Watch What Crappens - #345: 'Below Deck' Just Got Liza'd!!

Episode Date: November 11, 2016

PARALYZED! Liza Sandler from "Secrets & Wives" turned up on this week's episode of "Below Deck," and we couldn't have been happier! Come join us as we dissect everything from Sierra's use of the word "queen" to the dramatic turn of events caused by sea urchin! Plus, we take on the RHONJ reunion and the Married to Medicine premiere! 00:00:00 - Intro 00:04:43 - Crappens Mailbag 00:18:51 - Below Deck 01:02:02 - Real Housewives of New Jersey Reunion Part I 01:43:52 - Married to Medicine Subscribe at https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/watch-what-crappens/id498130432?mt=2 Support us at patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens Follow us at facebook.com/watchwhatcrappens Visit us at watchwhatcrappens.com See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

From Wondery and Audible comes Class of 88, a new podcast hosted by Will Smith. Before 1988, a lot of people didn't take hip-hop seriously. But hip-hop today touches everything from film to fashion to sports. So what changed? Follow Class of 88 wherever you get your podcasts. Watch what crap is. Watch what crap is. Who cares what happens when there's so much that crap happens? What happens? What happens?

Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, Who cares what happens when there's so much that happens? Who cares what happens when there's so much that happens? Who cares what happens when there's so much that happens? Hey everyone, welcome to Watch What Crappens, a podcast about all that crap on Bravo that we just love to watch. I'm Ben Mandelker from bsudblog.com and the Banter Blender podcast. And joining me, as usual, is my trusty and wonderful, lovely, humorous, happy, personable co-host,

Ronnie Karam from TrashTalkTV.com and the Rose Briggs Bachelor podcast. Personable? You are personable. Is that where we're stooping to Ben you can go on to watchyourcrappins.com to find all our social media links

you can go to facebook.com forward slash watchyourcrappins to come to our facebook page which is about to hit 8000 likes super cool and if you go on to patreon.com forward slash watchyourcrappins you can support us there which is really awesome because people who donate there

get access to at the very least a weekly bonus episode where we talk about all sorts of things this week I don't remember what we talked about but starting next week we are going to be recapping married to medicine Houston on our bonus

episode we just don't have any room left on the regular episodes to cover We are going to be recapping Married to Medicine Houston on our bonus episode. We just don't have any room left on the regular episodes to cover everything. So we have to move some of these shows on to the bonus episode because there's just not enough time. So look forward to that. Go to patreon.com forward slash watch what happens to get involved with that. And there are many other rewards on depending on what tier you donate at no yeah so uh ronnie anything new happened since we last talked well the world changed oh you know you're right the world did change the world absolutely went crazy on our bonus episode we i think for me i don't

even know when we were talking about it but the election was that day, and we ended with, oh, my God, there's no way he can win. Don't worry. Okay, bye. Yeah, I was like, oh, my God, what such a wonderful day. I voted, yada, yada, yada. Everything's great. Yeah, crazy times, guys. Crazy, crazy times.

Very crazy times. I don't love leaving my house. I'm going to shut in, like that new horror movie coming out. I just saw the commercials for that. I'm like, really? You have a ghost baby keeping your mouth closed at night? I'm terrified. Anyway, I'm a shut-in.

So I don't really see what's happening on the streets. I mean, I have the homeless lady peeing at me and putting pancakes in my basket. But otherwise, I have no idea. And she was doing that before Trump. So reading on the news that the world was going crazy, I'm like, wow, good time to be inside and to have a cable subscription. Hello, Bravo. Yeah, seriously. Some gay was already bashed by Trump supporters in Santa Monica.

So the other side are bashing other people and beating them up and spray painting horrible things on monuments. It's like, oh my god. The world, both sides, I don't care what side you're on, calm the hell down. Be nice to each other. I mean, come on now. Yeah, everyone should focus their rage on the targets that deserve it the most. Celebrities on Bravo. Real housewives, okay?

Real housewives. The one thing that can bring us together are. Real housewives, okay? Real housewives. The one thing that can bring us together are the real housewives. Yes, and they are doing it. They certainly, certainly are. Plus their little hearts. Do you guys think the world's going to suddenly change and Siggy's not going to be rubbing Joshy's ass? It's not going to happen, don't worry. We're going to have certain things that are going to stay okay.

Okay? Yeah. Like Siggy. So speaking of which, on today's episode, we're going to talk about Below Deck. We're going to talk about the Real Housewives of New Jersey reunion. And we will talk about the Merit to Medicine premiere. She's still got a meeting too, bitch. That was a line I saw on Below Deck last night from last week that I totally didn't even hear.

A meat and two veg. A meat and two veg. Not sure what the veg is, but I love Kyle on Below Deck. Yeah, he is turning out to be quite the interesting man. So before we get to any of that, why don't we open up the Krappen's mailbag? Open her up. Oh. So nice to hear that theme song.

We didn't have it last week, and I left feeling like something was missing. That really was the biggest omen with this election, that the Krappen's theme song went silent for a week. We should have known. Things were about to go topsy-turvy and they did and blame the mailbag theme listen we're all looking for things to blame i think the mailbag theme is a perfectly good target i just go back to steel magnolias you want to hit somebody? Here, hit Weezer. So, wait a second. Oh, you know, I just pulled up the Krappen's mailbag thing, but I pulled up the wrong one. Oh, my God. Talk about bad omens. Oh, for crying out loud, man.

I know. Now I got to dig through. I got to find it because it didn't show up. Oh, my goodness. I can open my regular mail, which is bills from credit cards. And then also other credit cards are like, you want a credit card? No, I don't, actually. And how dare you even offer me one? Don't you guys have like a credit check system? No, I can't have no credit card.

It'll be like 90% interest. Hell, you emailing. Yeah. So, okay. I got the proper mailbag open with quad at the top of it. We'll just go down this. BetsyMD says, Ariana's face. How could she?

I thought she was the one keeping it real. Did Ariana's face change? I didn't think so. I think Ariana's face is the same. Yeah. I really, I don't know. I mean, if she did it, then yeah. Then it's shocking. Maybe she got really uh i don't know i mean if she did it then yeah then it's it's shocking maybe she got some i don't know i'll bet cmd we will go look back at ariana's face and make sure that she is indeed keeping it real but she looked i think i think she looks the same the weirdest

thing to me about ariana was she's officially a lesbian now with tom's new hair which is so cute but also that she was wearing a lady's dress that she was like going to the oscars like you know this is an okay magazine party right i can't walk in my dress it's like that's right oh but yeah i think her face is the same but i don't know who knows maybe she's just getting into character for some sketch comedy which she takes very seriously takes it very very seriously. Takes it very, very seriously. I take my face game very seriously. Well, I think this might also pertain to faces, etc.

This is from Kate A., who says, Taking a break from mourning the Cheeto apocalypse that has descended upon our country to ask the following very important questions of you two gentlemen. On last week's Below Deck, the episode that ended with Kyle coming out. Did you notice Sierra during one of the getting ready work montages,

holding her iron and grinning stupidly at nothing, then grinning even wider as she starts to iron as if she's really pleased with herself for finally figuring out how to work it. It just seemed like a perfectly gifable moment. Also reactions to the revelation that the one and only Martin Lawrence Ballard recently helped Kendall Jenner decorate her house, a task which included choosing a couch that looks like the intestines

of a Smurf. There's a link to a photo for evidence. So, first, I did not notice Sierra holding an iron and smiling at nothing and then ironing with a sense of pride, but it seems totally believable. Sierra stares at everything like she has no idea where she is.

She's got this big stupid smile on her face like, duh. That's what her face is saying to people who only lip read. Duh. I do like, though, that she's starting to get more and more bitchy with the kyle situation that's that's a really great turn for her character yeah it really is a little homophobia sprinkled in there on the dumb girl yeah that the homophobia was was not something that i saw coming i wonder what sort of juice gets rid of that um but we've all we've all been in the place where we figure out how to work in iron i mean it took me a while i ain't gonna lie i ironed and it was very difficult for a very long time and now

i've learned how to take it to sunny clina to get it done for me so you know hugs i had the same smile on my face when i found sunny clina i have to do some ironing later today and i'm not looking forward to it but i'm gonna i'm gonna use sierra as some inspiration that if she can do it then i can do it although i'm not convinced that she can really do it i'm not convinced either i'll wait to see the end of the season sheet reveals yeah i was gonna say the issue with sierra seems to be less about can she iron it's more that can she turn the iron off afterwards and put the iron upright so it's not just sitting there on top of a sheet.

Yes. Can she not burn the boat down? Yes. And Martin Lawrence Ballard, I did not see that he bought a Smurf couch for Kendall Jenner, but God bless him. I hope that the commission he got on that will be enough for him to buy many wrapped peppers in the shadows of old fresh newsies.

Those two shopping together is a terrifying thought because those are some rubbery ass faces walking into furniture stores together. That's like one of the that's a pair that everybody's fighting for the other people to get the commission. You take them. They they actually are starting to resemble Cherry from PB's Playhouse. Speaking of chairs. The chair? The talking chair, Cherry. Martin Lawrence

Cherry. Cherry Lawrence. What if that was the goal? Just like a big, easy chair face. I think... What are you going for with your face, Barker Lounger? I just want my face to be comfortable enough to lounge on. I just wanted to remind myself of lounging by the rivers in Inja. Inja.

What else is in that mailbag, Beans? Bob Houlihan. Hi, Bob. I don't know if Bob Houlihan's written in before. Welcome to the family, you little Bob. Yeah. Hi, Bob. I don't know if Bob Houlihan's written before. Welcome to the family, you little Bob. Yeah, you little Bob. He says, Bobby Bob Bob, he says,

Ben and Ronnie, I love you both, and you're both adorable and hilarious. Aw, thanks, Bob Houlihan. He says, What? Thanks, Bob. I thought you said, Big Bob's. I was like, okay. Then he says, can you please get into an argument as Gina and Gamble? That's it.

Just an argument. Okay, who do you want to be? I'll be Gamble. I'm going to fight about something. What do you want to fight about? I don't need friends who fight. Here's the last thing I need. A friend who fights. I haven't got time. I'm a brand.

I just feel a little sad and left out that, you know, you're a brand. And, you know, I thought I was more of the brand leader here. So, you know, I don't know. Snap the fuck out of it. Snap the fuck out of it. out of it. Snip the fuck out of it. I just feel like as a feminist, you shouldn't be yelling those things at me. Oh, Wolfie. Wolfie's here. This is a terrible fight. I'm sorry.

But it makes as much sense as the fights on that show. Shut the fuck up. It's hard to do the same accent screaming as Gina. I know. know yeah because gina screaming has a totally different voice it's like you know when a rabbit is scared you've ever heard a scared rabbit they make a noise that you would not think a rabbit could make that's what gina does

you know i've had i had rabbits as a kid of course uh was this was this before or after uh your uncle's like beheaded many snakes seriously i know i know i sound like a crazy person but me and my sister used to have rabbits as pets and my point is um i never heard them scream which means I'm a good pet owner. I've never terrified a rabbit, Ben. I don't know what kind of psycho life you've led. Well, I feel like I once saw a rabbit. When a rabbit gets attacked, because I used to live in the woods, my house was in the woods, and animals get attacked at night. And I'll tell you, when a rabbit gets attacked, it lets out a caterwaul unlike any other.

It's really intense. It's like, get the fuck out of here. It's amazing. The rabbit is just always trying to shame its predator. Like, no, you're not going to do that to me, okay? Get the fuck out of here. You're not going to do that to me. It all.

Just a little trail of round poopoos being dropped by the dead rabbit. You'd be surprised at how many owls will listen if you tell it to get fucked. Rabbit's like, Get fucked! Get fucked, owl! The owl's like,

Ooh, sorry. Gamble could never be a rabbit because she'd always be flirting with the wrong people she'd be like oh god another dead rabbit when will they learn i i i really and i mean this in like the nicest way it's nothing to say that she's ugly or anything but i actually feel like sometimes gamble looks a little bit like a frog like like a cute like a cartoon frog you know how cartoon frogs are super cute that's what she looks like because she sort of just sits there and her eyes go back and forth i could totally sit imagine gamble on a lily pad be like and then like eating a fly that passes by oh that one was good gina's just sitting on the bank as a bag uh a uh rabbit it's a bag that's a gina bag we're taking this show at this point we're like what if gina was

a shopping bag she's like a blooming dallas one i'm a big brown bag sitting there just sitting here waiting to be filled i don't know why that's made me laugh so much. Like, we do a lot of these scenarios, and, like, for it to make a turn, like, yeah, gambles a frog, and Gina's just a bag on the side of the pond. All right, let me tell you what you can ask me. Someone's going to need to give me 10 cents first.

Let me tell you something. You better not put a gallon of milk in me, otherwise you might break me. All right? Why does this bag smell like Aquaman? I don't want to carry my groceries in this thing. I'll tell you what this bag smells like. Fearlessness, like my perfume. Improvito.

Not to be confused with the amoeba you might get in the pond that Campbell's sitting in. You're like a brand. There's Kylie, Madonna, Gina, grocery bags. You know, I used to be into plastic bags, but then I found the Gina bag, and everything's changed. It holds so little,

but I like it anyway. Would you like paper or plastic, ma'am? Either way, they're going to choose me. I'm sorry. I just was shopping here. I just bought some groceries, and I'm very concerned.

My bag just called me the C word. Can I return it? No, I didn sorry. I just was shopping here. I just bought some groceries and I'm very concerned. My bag just called me the C word. Can I return it? No, I didn't. No, I didn't. Come on, let's get back to your kitchen. It's the Gina denial. You can't prove it. You can't prove it.

You can't prove it. And then they cut to the bag being like, what a poop. She's like, wait, Link, I never said poop. You know, I was trying to put like some crust in my bag, and it rejected it. It said I was being an Eddie expert about packing. I like things with double letters. Eddie expert. Goody Gina.

You know, not many people know this, but Lionel Richie uses the Gina bag. Oh, good. All right. What else is in there, Bean? I think we should just stop the mailbag at this point and resume it next week. Does that sound good to you? The country is in such distress that we are cutting off mail service. I also, by the way, just wait.

mail service okay i also but i just wait i have to say i love the idea that a paper bag and the frog are sort of having a conversation from across the water like gina's there on the beach gambles on a lily pad and somehow they are like friends it's like that old children's book frog and toad this is like frog and bag frog and peg the story of jayna and gamble oh i love it i love it all right let's close it up before before it gets too crazy thank you to our super sponsor miss madonna j hines madonna with a sexy j and also a special happy birthday shout out to tracy swasey tracy swasey's birthday is coming up or is it today i believe it's coming up this weekend happy birthday we love you girl he's swasey we met tracy swasey

when we did crap by crap west we sure did we had some drinks with tracy swasey in austin texas at the key bar y'all yeah 100 degree weather it was great i've sweated all over tracy so yeah we were sweating we were sweating all over everyone and we met many of our other listeners um so that was an awesome we have to do crap by crap west again tracy swasey got so many hugs at that crap by craft west she left smelling like my my scent fearful fearless um yeah and then kazar got us little pins and um uh cat shilly i believe got us a book that's a david david david david all right david is not today okay chairman adore not today. Okay, Sherman, be door. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow.

Wow. Okay. What do you want to start with? Personally, I would prefer to start with Below Deck. I know we have a reunion, but, you know, I like Below Deck more than New Jersey these days. What do you think? Okay. I'll go with that.

Especially since Below Deck had a very special guest star this week. Yes, they sure did. But we can't say. We won't say. We won't say. But it felt like a small love letter from Bravo to watch what crap happens. That's what I'll say. Also kind of an explanation on why that show got canceled.

Yes, it was sort of like the opposite of an origin story. It was like the dead story finale. Yes. Yeah. Why the show died? But we'll get there. Yeah. So below deck.

Yes. This is where I just started with two veg. One meat and two veg. One meat and two veg. I like my ladies like I like my cruditate plates. One meat and two veg one meat and two veg i like my ladies like i like my cruditate plates one meat and two veg and then we got kate uh rolling on the floor laughing going i think that should be a kate on the floor laughing yeah so the show started off. It's morning. Everyone's getting ready.

Kyle was wiping down skuppers like he'll be doing for the rest of his life. I'm still doing Australian. Skuppel. Skuppel. Still doing skuppel. So empowered by his conversation with Kate and Ben the previous night, Kyle decided to come out as a trans-loving man to the other deckhands. And I like the way he described it.

He goes, I've got quite a bit of an open sexuality, me. I like that he told Kate. And Kate's big moment was laughing, but still staring at her iPad. And then he's like, okay, that was approval. And then he's just like that was approval and then he's just like oh i love meat and veg meat and veg he's just putting it all over the world man i know that is the happiest out of the closet uh little kid i've ever seen i know although he put himself back

in a little bit he's like but i'm not into dudes i'm not into dudes but i'm not gay bro i'm like but you mentioned like five more times over the course of the episode, like when you've slept with men, etc. I'm like, I'm on the Q2. Okay. Q2. I'm not algebra Q2. I'm just the Q2. So Lauren says that Ben, that the news came out of nowhere.

And literally he came out of nowhere. Lauren goes, are you kidding? He's he's like no swear on my daughter she's like oh all right well done she's like can we drink a fireball now i feel like swearing on your child is something that happened a lot this week on bravo a lot of people swearing on their children yes look that a it doesn't really make you more believable because, like, I don't know. That girl came out of a bin shed in Soho, as we've learned. Also, you shouldn't be swearing on your child about, I don't know, liking transgender dick. It just seems out of place. It seems like they're bigger fish to fry, no pun intended, when it comes to swearing on your children.

to fry, no pun intended, when it comes to swearing on your children. So they're trying not... I thought it was very sad when he was saying, I don't tell people normally on the boat, especially for share bunk.

And then he starts... We're not at the part yet where Kyle made me sad and huggy. Never mind. I'm not sad and huggy right now we'll get there you're not there instead we are in lightly restrained romance like fresh out of remains of the

day where we are talking with where Kate is asking Ben about M's rabbit and she's like so Ben how was your date he's like lovely oh okay he's like I don't want to tell Kate's like, lovely. I'm like, oh, okay. He's like, I don't want to tell Kate too much because I think I really like her

and I don't want her to know that sometimes I do feel that there is a time and a place for Dale. I'm not ready to share all Dale conversations with my honey. Kyle was, this show cuts back and forth a lot,

but they cut to Kyle talking about how people are reacting to him coming out of the closet to everybody he passes. And he's like, my name is Kyle Dixon. I don't give a fuck what people think. What does that mean? Is it like you're Kyle Dixon and that's not a big name, so you shouldn't care what people think like what does that mean is it like that you're kyle dixon and like that's not a big name so you shouldn't care what people think or that you're you have dick in your name so you don't care what people think what are you talking about he is literally starring in his own like

adorable british countryside movie you know like the man who went up the mountain and he came down on gentlemen or something like that you know remember that one or all those movies that come out like it went up a mountain and came back down ashley yeah it came back down ashley but he is like one of those quirky you know those quirky british movies where in the end someone proclaims something like my name's my name's carl anthony dixon and i don't care what you think of me even though i'm speaking an australian accent still it's like violin girl pop yeah and then everyone in like the pub like cheers like yeah kyle kyle it's like you know it's like billy elliott part three or something when the real life version is like he's just an alcoholic so uh meanwhile emily tells sierra that Sierra that Kyle is dating a trans woman. And Sierra's like, I'm a little confused and a little hurt.

I'm like, what do you have to be hurt about? Confused? Sure. Hurt? There's no reason for you to be hurt, lady. I mean, first he has a child and now he dates transgender people. I love how she puts those into the same basket. I know.

A father into transgender people? I mean, what's next? Yeah, her implication was, I mean, I don't know why she was hurt. Maybe it's that she's been through this entire annoying saga, kind of like for nothing. Or maybe she's hurt because she just burned herself on an iron when she was talking. Yeah, she's literally getting burn bubbles on her hands right now yeah she makes no sense and i love it and for all we know kyle could have already told her and she just didn't understand what he was saying because that girl's so dumb he had mentioned he had a girl like five times

and finally she's like why are we going to the bank we'll send the door some money she's like, why are we going to the bank? And he's like, we'll send the door some money. And she's like, what? You have a door? Let's be fair. When Emily told Ciara that Kyle likes trans women, she totally was like, why does he like women from Transylvania? I don't get that. Do I look Romanian? He's like, I like Transformers. But I mean, by the third film, it was really, you know, it's really already playing its hand.

But I watched them all because I'm a completionist. What can I say? She does not know the word completion. I think we in both of our examples, we just made Sierra too intelligent. I do love the idea, though, of Sierra being a Transformers completionist. Well, you know, I think that Bumblebee has a great arc. Well, you know, I think that Bumblebee has a great arc. So we get the captain meeting, who's telling them all about the new guests.

The goddamn primary. All right, today we're going to talk about secondary? Nope, primary. That's right. Anything else would be unacceptable. He's like, look, everybody. This lady says that she's a stylist. Huh, must mean she married well. Anything else would be unacceptable. He's like, look, look, everybody here. This lady says that she's a stylist.

Must mean she married well. It's like so blatantly sexist. And Kate was like rolling on the ground, laughing her ass off. She was like, huh? She's like, if Captain Lee watch any other shows in Bravo, he would know that she actually just merely divorced well. Yeah, I thought that is the most sexist thing to say but also so true. You can call it. And the man

has the bangs. The guy's got authoritative bangs right now. The bangs don't lie. But the big news is this personal shopper is a co-primary and the big news is that this personal shopper is a co-primary, and the other primary is Liza Sandler from Secrets and Wives!

It's me, Liza! We're going on about! I'm paralyzed. I think that Captain Lee just got LIZARD! You got Liza'd. You just got Liza'd! For those of you... That was unacceptable. I just got Lysered

I don't want to get any more God damn Lysers up in here So for those of you who Missed this wonderful show I can't imagine why anyone would There was a show on Bravo about Maybe a year and a half ago Was it a year and a half ago or two years ago

Called Secrets and Wives Secrets and Lies Is the movie was a year and a half ago two years ago called secrets and uh why no yeah secrets and wives secrets and lies secrets and wives secrets and lies is the movie secrets and wives like you guys the bravo meeting went something like this guys we need something lower rent than real housewives in new jersey yeah well basically bravo has now tried twice to crack long island as a reality show format and um the first time, of course, was Princesses Long Island, which we loved.

Second time was Secrets and Wives, which we also loved. Unfortunately, especially with the latter show, no one really watched it. But Liza Sandler was the star of that show. And she spent a lot of time talking about how she was getting divorced, etc. And she would crack really stupid jokes. And then her friend Andy would be like,

Huh, you just got lized. You got lized. That guy got lized. We said he just got lized, I think, for a full year. For a full year. Because she basically is like the Ashton Kutcher of Nassau County.

She's like the not thought out at all. Like Ashton Kutcher at least plans puns like she would just like get out of the car and be like it's me you got licensed that wasn't even a drip that wasn't a trick you got out of your car she makes kelly dodd's nose flicking look like high level prankster ship practical joking like would you like a glass of wine yes you're gonna lie but also more importantly uh on the very first episode she got like a call from her ex and he really annoyed her and she was so rattled she was like i can't talk i'm paralyzed i don't know if i could do lies i feel like i'm doing ciggy now when i do lizer i know it's a it's an awkward episode for her to be on because we have jersey coming up I know by the time we get Lyser back we have to switch back to Ziggy the point is this we love Lyser

we love Secrets and Wives and when I saw that she was gonna be the primary on this I was so happy it made me I was like they're gone but they're not forgotten it just made so much sense because she's coming on the week that drag uh he just kyle just talked about which dragon being dragon transgender are different things obviously but no one on this boat knows that so we'll pretend not to know it too but they had it um they had that discussion last week now these guys want to do a drag show also these guys are always on the hunt for blow jobs like on secrets and wives they went to fire, and they're like, girl, we're going to show you where the guys give each other blowjobs in the bushes. And she's like, oh, I don't want to see that.

Oh, they're doing it. They're doing it. He's getting Liza'd in the mouth. Paralyzed. Paralyzed. Liza on his face. Liza on his face lies on his face so um uh but we like these gays actually you know a lot of times we we don't always love the the gays that bravo gives us but i think we actually really like these gays right

yeah yeah i like these gays yeah because they were funny smart and successful and also they know how to i don't know are they oh i don't think they have an open relationship dark married or something but my god their friends are so hot yeah like actually anybody anybody didn't one of them talk like this i remember that one of them back on secrets and wives talk like that he's like hey girl no that was susan oh yeah you're right hey girl hey jonathan get your get your thumb out of eliza's butt i'm gonna go hang out with the gays over there hey anybody who looks like eddie cibrian can be a friend they both look kind of like eddie cibrian both the

cute guys that they brought yeah anyway no one cares they are going to be the i mean no one cares what i'm saying but they're going to be the guest so ben and uh all right nico kelly talk oh yeah so kelly has this little talk with nico nico you know you know someone respects you when they're leaning back with their arm behind their head yeah you always know that's going to be a good boss employee discussion yeah but kelly's like you know it's you know when you said that in front of the captain about the pool not being tied properly to the whatever, you know, man, maybe you shouldn't do that right in front of the captain.

Maybe we talk about it privately with the captain. He's like, what? What did I do? Niko's really going downhill. I really liked him in the beginning of the season, but now he's going downhill a lot. I also want to point out, before the Nico and Kelly fight or moment,

Sierra asked Kyle to move a box, and he's like, I mean, that's basically what he did. He just made that noise. Pretty much, he's like, I have to carry some diet cucks can i help you she's like sure you can take that box and he's like oh and then he gets it and he walks off and he goes fuck off yeah i was like once again cardboard box drama rears its ugly

head on below deck yes everything on below deck needs to be delivered in a Gina because these people cannot be fighting about boxes every damn season. You know what you need? You need one of me on there. I'll hold your dehydrator. Someone better put them diet cakes in a Gina before hell breaks loose.

You better put your bottles of fireball in me. That way they won't spill all over the place, huh? So basically, Nico is like, Kelly shouldn't be talking to me. If I was Kelly, I would defend my debt crew no matter what. That's why you will never be a Kelly, Nico,

with your stupid, terrible gray shading. Go back home with your tramp stamp on your arm, loser. Don't you mess with my Kelly. Yeah, don't mess with Kelly. He's ours. Yes. We will stand up for him.

Until I get a comparable dick pic on the internet from you. And I don't think that's going to happen anytime soon. Doubt it. Doubt it. I think this is the moment when you start to feel all nice and huggy, right? With Kelly? No, with Kyle. Because I think Kyle starts to now talk about how he fits in because – you when you started to feel all nice and huggy right with kelly no with kyle because i think

kyle starts to now talk about how he fits in because oh well ben ben is in the kitchen and kyle's just in there i don't know doing whatever and ben's like sir what about this he's like great tits wait what what did he say here because my note i was eating pizza while i was watching the show because we're taking less notes this week but um did he say how's her tits or something what did he say he was asking about you like uh kyle was saying that ashley is taking hormones and and now her tits are growing but then why did ben say is that ironic it's like what okay well? Okay, well, anyway, I don't know what it was, but Kyle, he's like, Zoe's got boobs, eh?

And he's like, actually, she's a girl because she's got the name now. He's like, oh, alright. So she's a girl because she's got a girl name, but she hasn't had an operation. What about her boobs? Do they just grow in? And what about the dinky-donk-donk?

Does it fall off? Does she cut it with scissors? How does it work? You know, my only previous experience with a trans lady was watching The Crying Game, and I don't know if you know that, but the trans lady in that was named Dill, and I have a theory about Dill. It's only good at certain

times and places. The only trans thing i've ever done is peed on the transatlantic flight so this is awkward ben's like this is so awkward and i was like yeah because you keep asking about like removable parts on the guy's girlfriend leave him alone look it up on the internet you've got wi-fi yeah but then i think kyle says something about fitting in now, right? Where he was just like... Yeah, he's basically like, the only reason I'm so open

is because Kite. And now that Kite did it, I can do it. I'm like, actually Kate came out as a lesbian. Which is... There's different things. But I like that he's inspired. And he's like, I never felt it fit in when I was a kid. I was shit everything uh but

then i put on a dress in the wig and people left and i was like great and actually made me feel like a person oh so sad but also so nice yeah it was very sweet very sweet of kyle he keeps on unfolding all these interesting layers yeah it's like you can start dating new people dressing and drag or i don't know get a skill i don't know pride comes from different places you know so uh meanwhile kate and roe are trying to facetime and it's like not working and you know roe wants a lot of attention and kate was hoping that after Ro had visited, Ro would understand how busy Kate is almost 24-7. But Ro doesn't. Unfortunately, when Ro visited, they were fucking in bathrooms and getting wasted at the resort. So she didn't see how hard she worked.

It was like a really fun party when she was there. Yeah, that's true. So ultimately, Kate, I love how Kate's like, unless you've worked on a yacht, you just don't get it. And I was like, you know, I feel like that's her motto for so many things in life. It's like, so Kate, did you like the Little Mermaid? No. You know, unless you've worked on a yacht, you just don't get it. Do you want salmon for dinner?

No. But, you know, I mean, once you've worked on a yacht, you'd get it then. Oh, my God. Your skin looks so good. Do you exfoliate? Well, if you don't work on a yacht, you'd get it then. Oh, my God. Your skin looks so good. Do you exfoliate? Well, if you don't work on a yacht, you don't get it. And she could get out of anything. I'm just asking about your moisturizer, damn it.

She could get out of anything. Like, Kate, you didn't pay your rent. Well, you know, unless you've worked on a yacht, you just don't get it, landlord. This is a very romantic scene. I'm about to talk about Ben and emily oh my god these two this it why did you say remains of the day you know remains of the day is still stuck in my head who was in that movie we don't we don't need it was a torrid romance between emma thompson and anthony hopkins but they could not they could not speak of their romance i think they had like one

fleeting kiss somewhere in the movie and then they spent the rest of the time being like, we mustn't. But we must. But we mustn't. But we must. Let's let some doves out of the barn. So it was basically that. It was Ben's like, how are you doing today, darling? She's like, you think too much, Ben?

He's like, yeah, so do you. You think too much, too. She's like, hey. Toddy. Duddy. Duddy. It's like, why? Why was the scene in here? Duddy Ben thinks I think too much, Duddy.

Oh, rabbit. Rabbit. Have you ever heard of rabbit scream, rabbit? No, Duddy. have you ever heard of rabbit scream rabbit no daddy oh so next up is we have you got liza it's time to get on the boat yeah liza comes on and the gays are like we love drag yeah and uh basically they just come on they don't really have a whole lot to say lisa she's like look here we are it's a boat look it's a boat look at that we're on the water right now wow guys thanks for showing us around at 4 p.m today i'd like to scatter the

ashes of my chandelier on the water. You guys got light bulbs? We're going to throw them overboard. And it's going to represent that I'm renewed in life. Now, by the way, I want all the stews to wear blazers on behalf of Gail. And they're looking at the staff and I don't...

Oh, I think this is later when she says this, but at some point she's like, corn? I want to eat his corn. Yeah. Geez. Typical Liza. It's like, guys, my vagina's working. I love guys.

I love men. We get it, Liza. We get it. Your name's Nico? Well, I think you might find me to be a freak-o in bed. You got Liza'd! I'd like to put some me in his co that doesn't make sense you're just being nonsensical now liza so inside the boat kate and kyle are talk or yeah they're talking and kate is

holding this gigantic carrot she's basically like waving basically waving an ashley in his face and she's like now isn't this weird? Because we were just talking about how you are in love with drag queens. And now we have drag queens. It's almost as if there were producers who were just figuring this all out for us. It's like, please don't wave Ryan in my face. I'm not a guy. So, yeah.

So the gays, they are really into their drag. They want to do a drag show and Kyle's going to be one of their drag stars, etc. And as Kay put it, gayest char season ever. So then it's like,

then we have a montage of all our favorite things, you know, anchor drama, critter pool, beach picnic, et cetera, et cetera. And they're getting ready for the beach picnic and the guests are getting ready to go on it. And she's like, my boobs are so big. I just want to put you right under my boobs. I miss that. Hey, Nico, you want to put my shore under my boobs?

You got Liza. I don't have strong enough for a man, but made for boobs. Hey, Nico, looks like you're six degrees away from Liza. Six degrees to the end of his... You're six degrees away from Liza-ration. So Captain is like his usual daily beating of Kelly. He's like, his little alarm goes off. It's like,

my alarm went off. All right, Kelly, get in here. So Kelly comes in and he's like, now look at him out there. That one's putting deodorant under her tits and the other ones are just sitting around literally waiting for something to happen. And Kelly's like,

yes, the tit thing was disturbing. Also, I have things planned. I'm just waiting for Sierra. And he kelly's like um yes the tip thing was disturbing also i have things planned i'm just waiting for sierra and he's like ah well i really appreciate the charge he's taking on his job i hope it continues in this fashion and he doesn't regress yeah i was like wow that was a that was quite the turnaround uh captain lee yeah he's, he's just feeling generous today. I just got my bangs combed. He's like, well, I just got Lysered and I realize there's so much fun to be had in life now. As long

as he keeps that Lysa person out of here, he's good by me. So over on the beach, Kate is making a tablescape for the picnic and i'd like to announce that uh there were no pebbles but it was leaves shells and dead starfish starfish it was like a little nod to amy it was so nice kate that was so nice of you to do uh so kyle is getting bitchy with sierra over no no one really understands why this fight is

yep there's a weird there's weird things happening because basically um like sierra's waiting for ben who's just making a vatican and then the guests are waiting to go over and but then uh ben's like you don't have to wait for me it's's like this whole weird planning thing. But essentially, Sierra is dropping the ball. I mean, I guess. But the fact that Sierra can actually figure out how to hold a ball should impress everybody. And we should stop yelling at her. It's like when a seal bounces a ball on its nose. We should be really appreciative of the fact that a seal can do that in the first place.

Yes. I mean, if we really wanted to get critical, we could be like, hey, Seal, do you know how to carry Diet Coke into the pantry? I didn't think so. Let's give Sierra a little credit here, guys. So they're both bitching about each other to everybody on the boat, and people are really sick of it. But I like how Kyle is complaining about her. He's like, I just can't take it. There are people doing brain surgery right now.

Okay. Yeah. And it's definitely not Sierra. But yeah, so they were like mad. There's like something happened where Kyle said something that Kelly and Sierra felt undermined. And then they were just like, that just like set them both off. Like Sierra's like, why did they have to do that? It doesn't involve valve kelly i'm like since when does sierra care about like

you know chain of command this is like brand new so she's barely she barely can focus on the ironing let alone figure out who should be involved in what conversation it's like i don't know why people are yelling at me i carry diet cokes okay well done go take a nap she also carries dog bowls because at one point, this is so stupid. This is so not a point, but Emily asked Sierra. Sierra's about to go off to the picnic,

and Emily's like, do you have a dog bowl? I just started laughing because it was so British. I can't even express. My impersonation really obviously does no justice. It was just like, I just sounded like a children's choir. But essentially, it was so British.

I was like, I have to write this down. So they're planning Liza's birthday. And one of the gays is showing the closet full of wigs. And he's like, this is my ancestry closet. What? So dinner. Okay. I knew that Ben was going to be mad because there were dogs at the table

at this dinner who does that are you at dinner or at the picnic oh i'm at dinner nothing happened at the picnic uh yeah oh okay go ahead i didn't write it down oh darling darling of course everything happened at the picnic well not. I was thinking during this scene, will pepperoni pizza ever get old to me? And the answer was no. So that's my recap of the scene. Well, I mean, first and foremost, Ben made Emily a plate of vegetables and fish. And she's like, oh, daddy. But more importantly, when the picnic was done, Kyle and Sierra were taking down the tent.

And, you know, they were just bickering because they're hitting each other right now and Sierra just calls Kyle a queen yes and that was more I mean I don't know but he was being so whiny he's like you're being such a whiny queen

well but she didn't say it like that. She just was like, and the thing that's funny is that if it were Kate, Kate would have been like, stop being such a queen. But Sierra was like, you're,

I can't even describe it, but like the way she said queen was like much, it was like nastier than if someone was just like dismissive. And it was definitely a moment where I was like, whoa, did Sierra just say queen? Wow, that wow that's shocking well to make it fair she also did say all the

guys on this boat are like women on their periods so at least she can be you know sexist at the same time she's being mildly homophobic yeah exactly she's fair okay she spreads it across evenly yeah um so now so now um back in the kitchen um the simmering uh remains the day romance continues ben's like these trousers are a different fit and rabbit was like the darker than the ones yesterday he's like you notice everything don't you m's i do i notice everything, don't you, Ems? I do. I notice everything. Daddy says that. Daddy always wears different trousers. I've never seen Daddy in the same trousers two days in a row.

It's meant to be. There's a time and a place for different trousers. That's what I always say There's a Place for Trousers Daddy he sang the trouser song for me daddy Oh rabbit it's love

A time for trousers and a time for dill But never the same time am I right So is this The next thing i have oh well never mind it's not the next thing i'd scroll down too much what's your next thing i have liza birthday planning and then dinner and dogs at table uh well so now now it's now it's time for dinner and and um uh lizer of course like is flirting with nico and she's like you dress up nicely you got lized i complimented you he's like do you have everything you need and she's like i'll tell you what i need rhymes with enos

calm down liza he's literally hosing her down right now with a hose well that was later yes um so uh so now so yeah nothing really happens at dinner except lies are just like again making eyes at nico and then um the next morning it's breakfast time we learned that ben's brother's gonna come visit uh the gay is getting dragged go swimming it's like one of these things like everything's like cutting back and forth and this is where lizer comes out of the He's like, I need to be hosed off, Nico. Hose me off before you get Lysered again. So he hoses her off, and she is in a bikini.

And she has two full jack-o'-lanterns on her chest. Those things are gigantic. If one of them had a smiley face cut into it, I would not be surprised. Those were gigantic fall pumpkins. And she's, like, lifting up her arm and trying to be as sexy as he can. And he's just hosing her down like gross. She's literally licking her lips, trying to be as seductive as possible. And it was just a very sad display.

Yeah. It's like, I could use some help. Get a back brace. Okay. I'm paralyzed with seduction literally paralyzed can't move my back i can't move my back you just wheel me up to the aft deck so ben has been making conch and uh emily it's overcooked and and k Kate calls it, Kate says, it tastes like conch-flavored chewing gum. Which is disgusting. Conch loops.

And so he's like, well, what do you think, little rabbit, darling? Because I ain't rabbit, but... He's like, well, the taste is quite delicious. He says, but should I serve it? Well, I'd be okay with it. Kate's like, i do not appreciate him going around my head to talk to a rabbit

yeah i love it i love when when uh kate got pissed about that her answer is wrong it is not good kunk um and then of course it's not good yeahch. And then, of course, it's not good. Yeah, it's like chewing. They complain about it, which, you know. These people complaining about conch is hilarious because I'm like, have these people eaten conch? Or is she just like, what is this? I like this, but I'll tell you where I want to put it. Liza'd. I like the fact that Liza got Liza'd by the conch.

This is delicious. Well, guess what? It's wrong. I wanted to get conked on this trip, but Liza'd. Hey, chew on this! Conk! Liza'd! Um, yeah, so then Kyle is... Is this where Kyle tastes the sea urchin? So Ben's now making what looks like, I don't know,

cat, cat poop with Chipotle sauce on it. Yeah. But it's sea urchin. And Kyle's like, sure. To see. I'm a bit like it.

He takes, he takes, he takes a bite and immediately he's like, I'm feeling funny. And he's having an allergic reaction. Meanwhile, Kate's like upstairs doing like a tablescape immediately he's like, I'm feeling funny. And he's having an allergic reaction. Meanwhile, Kate's upstairs doing a tablescape, which is like a Michaels store exploded on the table. Because she's like, well, it's going to be a drag show tonight, so I'll just put sequins and sparkles on everything and pink frill. Well, you know what I was thinking?

What about an empty birdcage? I'm trying to think of things I see at Michaels. Oh, I thought that was a reference to the movie No it was I guess it could be But when she's What are things you buy at like Michael's I like when people buy those sticks And planters

Here's dinner it's giant plastic sticks In a planter Here's some fake Fall leaves even though it's february and we're on the water um so i just wrote oh my god the patterns at this table you know how people think oh that girl needs a gay friend to help her dress no it's the other way around the gays i'm starting to realize the gays have been blessed by having girlfriends our whole lives because these guys i mean you can't trust lives that address you these guys look crazy they look like gay uh wrapping paper yeah it looked nice yeah it was there was like a lot of patterns a lot of colors it was

sort of like like a like a reza farahan chevron explosion it was straight lines it was like a Reza Farahan Chevron explosion. Both straight lines. It was like a community theater version of Reza's life story. It was bad patterns in every size. Yeah, it was like someone made bad art with street signs. Yeah.

Sale fair. They do the drag show, right? They do it. Girl, you are speeding right on through this. Don't tell me damn shows today. Fine, they do the drag show right they do it girl you are speeding right on through this damn shows today fine they did a drag show it's over well i mean literally it was two dudes with facial hair dancing around does something else happen yes okay go ahead go ahead um so uh so while this is all happening so kyle is like is like literally like passed out downstairs and uh i love kate because kate's just like well the show must go on we're gonna be

having a drag performance whether we like it or not and she literally gets on him he is passed out from the drugs like the antihistamine and the benadryl and she is just doing drag makeup on him she's like he's supposed to be dragged, not drugged. You know? I like when she vacuumed him. Yeah. So then, but luckily the show does go on. It was kind of like an amazing disaster that they, that they, that they pulled, that they, they avoided.

I mean, he was literally drugged up from sea urchin coma. I mean, he was literally drugged up from sea urchin coma, and they kind of, like, propped him up, like, Weekend at Bernie's style, put drag makeup on him, got him up on the deck, and had him dance for a little bit. And Lizer was just like, oh, amazing. I got Lizer! So then it's the – so anyway so there was that and then then the next morning they head out and uh the tip meeting it should be noted that lizer and company gave a shitty tip shocker what a shocker of an episode lies is cheap never saw that one coming yeah um so uh so then so they then they start cleaning up and ben's brother brother arrives, James, who sounds like this also. It's Ben and James.

They both talk the same. Except the brother has pants pulled up to way above his muffin top, like the dad waistline. Yeah, he had... Like dockers, and he's like, he's like me, but in dockers. Yeah, he was a full-on like member of the bubble butt aristocracy he just came in just with like all like to me it was hilarious because ben made such a fuss in below deck med by like i'm not that man i'm not that man from the aristocracy and then all of a sudden his brother comes up looking like so so waspy um carrying like a whole bunch of plastic sticks

from michael's up his ass and that guy whole bunch of plastic sticks from Michaels up his ass. And that guy literally walked like he had a stick up his ass. Yeah. But I love Rabbit was like, well, I think that Ben is more manly and James is just more, well, groomed. I was like, are you saying he's gay? You're saying he's gay. Is that what you're saying? I'm not getting I'm not saying I'm getting a crush on the brother.

But I must say I love pants pulled up to the man boob. It's quite nice. So then Ben and James walk off to have some bro time, and they're like, oh, yes, this yacht is more impressive than the family dinghy. And then they go and have dinner, and they just start reminiscing about fish and chips. Well, the thing is with fish and chips

They need to have a good fry on them Just like Do you remember when daddy made us fish and chips And he would say These are the freshest fish and chips ever And you tasted it And you said Did this come out of a freezer

And dad got so upset It's like I always had a wicked palate Did this come out of a freezer? And Dad got so upset! Seems like I always had a wicked palate. These two wild and crazy guys. Have I told you my feelings on Doodle lately? They've changed. Do you remember when I first learned how to pronounce Worcestershire? What a day!

High-fiving. Wowee. Look at how poor I am, right? I'm not rich at all. When they all met the brother, by the way, Sierra was in love. Her face, she was just like, da, da, oh, da, da, da.

It's like, keep in your pants, zero, okay? She fully burned her arm all over again with the iron. So Kyle. The brother gave them cigars, and he's like, here they are, straight hand-rolled from the Grand Cayman Islands. Okay, that's so from a gift shop. Okay, fancy. Okay, fancy, dockers. They're like, these are just stuffed grape leaves.

We know you went to the Greek restaurant. He went all the way to the Cayman Islands for candomas. So turn on. So Kyle asks Kate if he can sleep in the master bedroom that night so he can basically jerk off. Yeah, not even basically. He's like, I need to jet my jerker. Can I sleep up there?

It's going to be the night of a million wanks. So while he's up there preparing for the night of a million winks uh nico and lauren come in because they have just turned into just like two like drunken disasters when it's like when when when the guests aren't there and they come over and they're drinking and they're partying and i liked how the the editors were cross-cutting between Ben and James drinking versus the deckhands drinking. And it was funny because the implication seemed to be that the deckhands were just spring breakers.

They were just chugging fireball out of the bottle and just being disasters. And then Ben and James looked like they were just having a very polite catch-up. But then the irony is that when Ben and James are walking back to the yacht, Ben just takes off his pants and just starts walking without pants to the yacht. And his father's like, I love when you do that. And he's like, Ben just walking up the dock naked was so funny to me.

And he just left them there. He didn't even bring them home. He just left them on the dock. And then he took off there. He didn't even bring them home. Yeah, he didn't. And then he, like, took off his shirt, and then he sort of, like, turned the shirt into some sort of diaper. It was like, he was, like, obliterated. But then so was Lauren. Lauren, like, spilled fireball on the guest sheets. And I was, like, I was actually getting mad

because Kyle just wanted to have his master bedroom so he could jerk off. And these two guys were wasted and jumping on the bed. I was like, get out of there. Let him have his moment. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, played by HBO's Industries' Myhala Herald, a brilliant scholarship student who has to quickly adapt to her newfound eat-or-be-eaten world.

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by joining Wondery Plus. the words black history. Rosa Parks, reconstruction, MLK, February, black history month. Exactly, exactly. There are so many stories of black history that we just are not really talking about or thinking about, especially outside of February. And we are about to flip the script on all of that. Because on this show, you're going to hear a little less. In August 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. And a little bit more. She is a heroine to some. As a fighter for black rights, she is a villain to others. Follow Black History for Real on the Wondery app

or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen everywhere on February 5th, or you can listen early and ad-free on Wondery Plus starting January 29th. Join Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Black is beautiful. Only Kyle could make jerking off like this discussion.

Like, the guy really deserves a chance to just jerk off. Come on, guys. Come on, guys. You're literally cock-blocking him from himself. Stop. So then Drunken Ben walks in and then they're all talking

and then Drunken Ben goes into the bathroom and then they're all talking then drunken ben goes into the bathroom and then lauren goes into the bathroom to be with ben i guess maybe she was gonna like you know blow him or something she's like no i just have to go to the bathroom and then nico goes in so we don't really know what's going on but within seconds we hear a crack and some gasps and we see that a panel has come off the side of the wall sorry to interrupt your sexual assault lauren yeah it's like maybe if i get him drunk enough it's like she's literally pouring fireball down his throat well i was just sad because now kyle never is going to get to be able to jerk off in the master bedroom i have a feeling kyle just jerks off whenever he wants to. Yeah. Like he would jerk off on the deck,

cleaning the guppa or whatever. Skoppa. He probably jerked off into that cardboard box. He had to take upstairs. So that's pretty much how it ends. We all know they're fucked now because Kate's like, I just hope this isn't another pizza on the deck moment, which of course it is.

And next week, this isn't your personal goddamn party boat. And they all got quarantined down to the quarters, the servants' quarters. I'm excited. And then they all turn against Kate. Good luck with that. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

How about this? How about next time you don't pull a wall off the wall and then kate won't yell at you how about that next time sirs and lady yes yes sirs and ma'ams how about that how about next time someone says they want to jerk off you don't go into their room and then drink fireball how about that oh bye below dick. We'll see you next week, you little below dick dick.

Good to see you again, Liza. I was paralyzed. Paralyzed. Do you know that, by the way, when I do the paralyzed voice, I actually do something with my hands. I do the full hand thing too, which is funny because no one can see me.

But every time I go paralyzed, I put my hands up in front of my chest and spread out my fingers. Oh yes, I'm very expressive over here. I'll whip out some wigs. You gotta give 110% on Watcher Crabbins. You know?

Okay, what show do you want to do next, Ben? Why don't we go on to Real Housewives of New Jersey? Reunions! Reunions! Reunions. So, here we are. We made it. Dolores.

Hey, Dolores. Hi, Siggy. Hi, Jacqueline. Hi, Melissa. Hi, Therese. Yeah. He's like, Dolores, because it's only a reunion if andy's asking about everybody's surgery you had butt implants sweetie you gotta show us and so she shows off her butt did nobody see the

episode where she was at the gym it was just last week and she had butt implants those things were huge i did not notice that but i he's like, wow, nice. I'm like, you're disgusting right now. I know. As much as we talk about sex, he's like, yeah, you better show us your butt, sweetie. Yeah, those are obviously butt implants. And I really had a problem with her having an exercise class with butt implants. Is that weird?

I feel like it's cheating. Yeah, it is a little bit cheating. But, you know, I guess you got to do what you got to do. Hey, you know, if I've got to bring him in, Mads wants me to bring him in. So I got an idea. I'm going to put some butt implants, you know, because now that I don't have boo anymore, my kitchen's done and Frankie's moving out. I got to do something with my life. But butt implants and people are like, you know what?

Women like to come to the gym at 9 p.m. on Saturday and be like, butt implants, you know? Yeah, it was just so weird. Like I used to have this butt and Frank loved my butt. And then I had this other guy after Frank and then I still had the same butt. And then, you know, now I'm back here in this other house with a new kitchen. I have the same butt. And I was like, I don't even want to have the same butt. Like I need to feel different.

You know, I'm sick of all these ands. I want more butts. Okay? So I was thinking, if I want more buttss, I'll literally just get buts. To some people, it's a new but, but to me it's like a welcome mat into my own home. And now I feel at home with my but. Well, you know, it's funny because my first home had a welcome

mat, but I didn't really like that mat. Then my second home with my new fiance, he was like, he was going to get me a mat. He never got me a mat ever before. I was like, wow, I really missed that first mat. So I went back and I was like, this is a nice mat, but I think I need a new one. So I was like, Frank, where can I get a mat? He's like, okay, I'll get a mat for you. I back and I was like, this is a nice match, but I think I need a new one. So I was like, Frank, where can I get a match? He's like, okay, I'll get a match for you. I thought, okay, great.

But now I'm getting my own match now. Frank, I told Frank I was buying my own match. She's all signed. So Siggy has a fan, which just makes me love her because I love people who are prepared because you know my ass needs a fan. Yeah. Just in some hot ass place. Jacqueline is talking about being, he's like, welcome back Jacqueline.

She's like, Oh, it's like being in my second home that I could be evicted from at any moment. Just like, yeah. He asked someone, I don't remember who,

but he's like, and he was like, what percentage of that hair is your hair? I'm like, you are like the hard ending questions from Andy Cohen. And by the way, Andy, you got to lay up. Oh, go ahead. I And by the way, Andy, you got to lay off.

Oh, go ahead. I was going to say, Andy, you have to lay off the cigarettes. You're losing your voice. Yeah, he's got to. I think he's a stoner. Yeah, it is. I feel like he wouldn't be a cigarette smoker. I think he would be for sure.

Really? Yeah. His voice sounds so gravely. Cigarettes are so over, you guys. I'm only holding on to cigarettes because it's like irony. Okay. It's my ironic cigarette. i'm like it's my ironic cigarette i'm like a hipster yeah i think they're over for the rest of the world remember

candy cigarettes i don't think they even make those anymore no you can't do that you can't be like here kid here's like smoking but yeah i remember when i was a kid i used to really enjoy those because you pretend that you're smoking you're like look isn't this funny i'm smoking of course i do that with straws too yeah i was so obviously gay i'd be like sitting there with like a straw smoking it like cruella deville oh yeah really long when i started smoking i was like 13 or 14 i would steal my mom's benson and hedges and um i got one of those really long things at the gas station and i would smoke it like that i mean mean, queen. I was a total queen. Nobody was shocked

except my parents for whatever reason. Okay. So let's see. Tree is, he asked about Joe in prison. She's like, Joe's doing great at camps. He's getting his GED in there.

He wants to go to college now because, you know, he'll get a lot of fresh pussy and stuff. Yeah, that sounds great. Joe going to college with a bunch of 20 year old women Sounds like a good idea Teresa Maybe it'll be University of Florence Or Rome or Sicily

But I don't know what other school he's going to be at In America Learn a trade I would suggest somewhere like IT itt technical chubb university so andy's like whoa theresa it was two years ago that we sat on these couches and i didn't know if you'd be back god they didn't electrocute the bitch, okay? I know. She went to Martha Stewart Poncho jail for a couple of weeks. Yeah. And like, yeah, and stop

acting like it's this some big dramatic moment that, you know, lover's about to be torn apart. It's just a freaking reunion show that you filmed, and now it's two years later. That's all. Thanks for the way I'm feeling, Andy, but certain people make it nasty.

Yeah. And Jacqueline's like, yeah., but certain people make it nasty. Yeah. And Jacqueline's like, yeah. I'm like, here we go. Yeah. I can't even believe you're here, Jacqueline. Don't you want to run away? Run away? You want to run, Jacqueline?

Yeah. And then so they start bickering. And then Jacqueline's like, she says that Jacqueline's talking about her relationship with Siggy and Dolores, and she says that with them they're able to laugh and give each other constructive criticism, and she's like, that's funny, constructive chrism. She's like, construction.

I never seen them play with construction papers. They never did that. It's like, Teresa, what are you fighting about? Just calm down over there you'll have your moment yeah exactly came out swinging so then we get the obligatory kitchen montage oh geez and i like andy set it up by saying this year we saw dolores go from kept woman to kept woman with a new kitchen kept woman with a granite countertop in her house and when she got to the

part where she's like i'll pay for dinner frank and they showed they showed her face on the bottom of the screen watching the clip and she's crying like wow that time you paid for dinner in a strip mall wow you're really growing gloria steiner must be patting herself on the back right now. That was some of the most emotional shrimp scamp you had ever had in my life. That was the saddest Diet Coke refill I've ever ordered. That garden

salad? Perfection. Unlimited breadsticks? Yes. Unlimited power of a woman? Possibly. possibly we'll see i don't know see how let's see how it goes with maz the way they graded that parmesan was unparalleled in anything i've seen in bergen county and he's like so you and frank whoa the sexual chemistry there like whoa it's getting hot in here. Let's take off all our clothes, girl.

She's like, well, you know, it's not like that with Frank. It's not like that with me and Frank because, you know, like he's with somebody else. And Tree goes, yeah, well, he's had a penis in another vagina. Like I wouldn't even be able to look at him the same. What are you talking about? Joe's dick is in somebody's butt crack right now in prison. And you know it.

But to be fair, this is the same woman who refuses to move into someone else's home because she doesn't want a used home. She likes things pristine because she cleanses her floors. So the question is about Dolores' hot son, Frankie. And then it becomes this whole nobody's gay in Jersey. Teresa's like, my husband's not getting in at the cracker. And then Dolores is like, my son is single because he's just so busy. He's got so many things to do. Like, he chooses money over girls.

I got him a job at a car dealership. Now he's selling cars. He's making a lot of money. Like, he doesn't need a girl. He's too so busy. He's got so many things to do. Like he chooses money over girls. I got him a job at a car dealership. Now he's selling cars. He's making a lot of money. Like he doesn't need a girl. He's too busy for girls. Like no young man with a penis is too busy for a girl. Yeah, that was a little suspicious, I have to say. I'm like, I've been down that path.

I can look at Mount Rushmore right now, and I guarantee you they were all getting blowjobs when they were young. And they were very busy men. Yeah, and I like how Siggy dinged her own son. She's like, you know, Joshua's not as good-looking as Frankie, but... And then everyone's like, oh, that's not nice, but then Dora's like, yeah,

but Joshua has much more game. I was like, wow, you women are just mortifying them right now. I mean, he doesn't have... I mean, you know, like, wow, you women are just mortifying them right now. I mean, he doesn't have a great, I mean, you know, like Frankie doesn't have time for game, you know, he's like selling cars, you know, like the other day I was like, Maz, you need a new car, you gotta go see Frankie at the car dealership. And Maz was like, no, you gotta come to the gym. And I was like, well, but you know, boo, you know, so like countertops and you know, it's like, you know, we're all getting along. I like when Andy dissed Melissa. He's like, well, the question from Bartholomew from Bermuda.

It seems like Melissa Gorga even works harder than you. Melissa's like, that's true. And I don't even work. She looks so mad. So then they started talking about Andy's butt, which was weird. Wait, whose butt were they talking about? I don't know. They were talking about somebody's butt. Yeah was weird. Wait, whose butt were they talking about? I don't know. They were talking about somebody's butt.

Yeah. At one point there was a, there was a butt situation, but, um, Dolores, uh, they were talking about Dolores and Dina not being close anymore.

Um, and that Dolores, um, is great friends with Caroline. And they were like, Oh, so Dolores, you're Andy's like,

you're great friends with Caroline. And Dolores is like, yeah, we went food shopping on Sunday. And then, um, and then they were probably just went food shopping on Sunday. And then they were talking. She probably just saw her there. Yeah. And then they asked, like, and then we learned that Dina moved to California.

And then Teresa was like, yeah, yeah, she was over at my place two weeks ago. I talked to her all the time. I'm like, what's up with all this, like, manzo bragging right now? Yeah, well, I went grocery shopping with Caroline. Yeah, well, I called Dina on the phone. the phone yeah well because she's got a spin-off you know they all will kiss her ass jacqueline will be nice just so she can be on camera for another you know 10 seconds or however much longer this is gonna last although that show has been on a pretty long time what aren't they in like season four or something man's head with children yeah especially considering it's a terrible show and no one watches it yeah but you know they don't care so then it turns into this

dina fight like who's friends with dina and you know who's still friends with her and who does dina really hate now because dina hates somebody new in some passive aggressive way every year yeah so now she hates delores she just dropped her and dolores is like i don't really know i don't need to beg to be a friend but i don't know why she dumped me like i really have no idea maybe she liked my old countertops i don't know you know like i always tell frank out with the formica and with the granite if you'll allow it well i liked also why dolores like i don't know why she dropped me i'm like because you went food shopping with caroline she hates caroline that's why yes and she also and she's a side taker she's very much a my side your side person yeah and jacqueline obviously isn't talking to dina either

but she's like uh because the question is at at Poker Night, Chris made a joke that his family is as fucked up as yours or whatever. And Jacqueline's like, it was a joke. Me and Dina are close. Like, we text about retweeting each other's projects and products. By the way, Little Colonel is following me on Instagram. And it's really weird. Little Colonel occasionally comments on my photos. I'm like, is that chris is it albie jacqueline's like i'm so proud of him he's commenting on instagrams

so i just like the thought of like okay i will retweet your soap dish if you retweet my popcorn yeah okay okay sounds like a sounds like a a very uh mediocre product placement plan ladies seriously so then we get to see um a video package showing the destruction of theresa and jacqueline so um or maybe it was just sort of like theresa and jacqueline coming back together whatever it was just sort of like Teresa and Jacqueline coming back together. Whatever it was. We sure hoped Lucy and Ethel were going to be a duo again. They are not Lucy and Ethel. Stop saying that. Yeah, that really drives me nuts. Stop ruining the legacy of Lucille Ball with these two people.

Please stop it. They're like peanut butter and jelly, maybe. Something you slather on some bread but then sort of stop eating after a while yeah peanut butter and jelly actually go so well together I think they're like they're like a toilet no I don't know I don't know

I don't even want to go there they're just not a duo just stop it okay stop calling them Lucy and Ethel Andy yeah they're like purple and brown sort of like yeah they're like they're like purple and brown sort of like yeah i guess that could go together but why ah so let's see here okay so now it's this big stupid fight and theresa's like why are you picking up the phone to call my brother people People are picking up the... Who calls other people's brothers?

And she's right. Like the fights. Yeah. You think? I don't really think that's... I mean, he's a cast member on the show. Yeah, but Jacqueline's so mature. I don't think...

She was dredging shit up. It was petty. And Siggy was like, Jacqueline has a heart of gold, but her delivery is horrible. It's like a UPS man made out of gold. And he's so beautiful that it takes him forever to walk to your door to make a delivery. Terrible delivery, but golden UPS.

It's like you ordered something from FedEx and it doesn't show up. And you realize you used FedEx Ground instead. And you say, oh my God, the worst version ever. Jacqueline's a beautiful package, but you leave a little note on your door saying just leave it at the front door. So you don't have to answer the door and actually talk to it. You know what I mean? Jacqueline is like the package you've loved all your life. But then you find out it's coming with DHL and you say

who uses DHL and Liza's off stage like I love packages I'm paralyzed shipping makes me paralyzed I'm going on a yacht to deliver a package to Nico Nico's got a package oh my god lizering everything

so blah blah blah, blah, blah. Okay, so now they start regressing into the bankruptcy fight. Yeah. And she's like, what? And she's like, my real friend wouldn't say those things. She said bankruptcy. And she also said in debt and tax lien and rental and lease.

I'm like, you are too offended over stupid things please just be quiet it was a long time ago you guys don't even look the same as all these clips andy has like big curly hair yeah jackie has a different damn face she's still got her sleeping bag neck those poor archivists had to go through so many reunions to find these random clips that these women hold on to these like sentences and they're like oh fuck i gotta go back to like 2009 to find this moment when theresa like sneezed into something i'm so jealous of the intern who's in charge of the table flipping clip because it's always used they don't have to do shit yeah like just sitting around eating their little kernel waiting for somebody to ask for that theresa flipping a table clip they're always like

theresa well you don't even like chicken remember and they just cut to Teresa flipping a table clip. They're always like, Teresa, well, you don't even like chicken, remember? And they just cut to her flipping the table. So they talk about Jacqueline calling Joe and whatever. And now, was Jacqueline threatened by Melissa's newfound friendship with her sister-in-law, Teresa? And she's like, no, not at not at all like why would i care and she's like no because she called me and said wait who said that oh melissa she's like yes she is because she called me she was telling me that tree's just the same

old person and who gets a lexus when they get out of jail and you know etc etc like her husband's cheating i still think melissa's so shady i think melissa's shady but i think right now jacqueline is jacqueline is out of her mind and she was like you know like when when they were talking about like the i don't remember if it was right here or later when they flashed back to jacqueline looking at uh tree's new car jacqueline's like on the on the show she was like oh look a new Lexus but then on the reunion she was like no look how cool you bought like a car shut up Jacqueline

and then I love it now it's back now it's back oh girl speaking of UPS I'm so sorry oh my god everyone Ronnie's got a pack I got a package. And not only was it a package. I'm here.

But of course, my package of my new toilet seat comes while we're talking about New Jersey. And also, I was just about to compare Jacqueline and Teresa to a toilet and like a toilet plug-in thing. But I dropped it. And then my toilet seat came. So there you go. Yes, I ordered my toilet seats off amazon that's right judge away everybody i don't judge i'm i think it's lovely um so they're talking about the the funny thing is they're talking about this car situation and um and i love tree was like well what was i supposed to do i mean like we didn't have a car so of course i had to get a lexus and it's not that it's not that expensive or whatever and then and then he's like well you could get like a

ford or something she's like would you drive a ford i was like ouch i was like i thought you were like oh my god i cannot believe she just forged shamed america this is like the most controversial thing said in the whole yeah and and Andy's like, yeah, I would. If I owed a lot of money, I would get a Ford. Nah, not even. So Teresa has been tweeting with Danielle Staub, which everybody is freaked out about. And they're like, why would you want blah, blah, blah? Is this where we got the table flip or whatever?

I feel like the table flip was like every 10 minutes. Like for any example that they could apply the table flip to or whatever i feel like the table flip was like every 10 minutes like for any any example that they could use apply the table flip to like they would just bring it up yeah yelling prostitution horror or whatever and then she gets tricked into admitting because theresa's just so dumb like she can't even hide stuff and he's like so you want her to come back just i would love it i come back to attack jacqueline i was like that was the most bravo answer. I mean, it was bravo answer, but it was also the most honest answer

that we've ever heard on a reunion. Yeah, because normally they do that shit on the sly. And most of this fight is about them doing that on the sly over the years, like how they're trying to set each other up on camera. Yeah. Well, you know, Danielle

actually had a really good question. I thought she totally zinged Teresa. She was like – because she wrote in and she said, now that you want to – basically, now that you want to protect your children from what you've done and going to jail, et cetera, how do you make things right for how I want to protect my children from what happened in my past? I was like, Danielle's a got you yeah she goes well theresa she goes yeah but my kids saw that too yeah so she's like okay i called someone a prostitution whore in front of my children too

so why are her children traumatized because you were calling her the prostitution whore theresa yeah because she was like yeah that's because andy was like yeah you called her the prostitution whore, Teresa. Yeah, because she was like, yeah, that's because Andy was like, yeah, you called her a prostitution whore in front of her own children. She's like, yeah, well, you know, my children were there too. And everyone, they did one of those things, which is like, you know, a classic reunion thing where they just cut to all the different ladies just shaking their heads, being like, oh, whatever. So Dolores and Sig, what were you going to say? I was just going to say that it had been too long since Andy had skewed everyone out. So he was like, Dolores, I mean, Siggy, your boobs are so huge. Wait, those are, Siggy was talking about something.

And then Andy interrupts her to say, wait, those are your real boobs? You got a breast reduction? Whoa. Yeah, but there's tape all over them uh they were talking about how siggy and dolores met and dolores is like i had a purse party well you know i had some old purses that's a new purses and i was like i need a countertop to put the purses on i was like oh let's get some people in here but you know my first husband like he got me a lot of person then my fiance he never got me a never got me a purse. And I was like, you know what? I need to get my own purses from now on.

So then Boo, I was like, I had to get a purse for Boo, too. Everyone's got a purse. Frankie's got a purse. He's at the car dealership. They make fun of him all the time, but it's worth it. It's his mother's. It was my, like, I just got broken up with by my fiance, but I still miss Frank Purse Party. So Siggy, she's like, yeah, the first time I met her her she flashed her boobs at me and ciggy's like

yeah because i just had my implants removed he's like oh my god those are real who does that this is bravo please go get some boobs put in before you come back in here yeah and then they just never went back to like the how they met they just got totally sidetracked by what andy said that i was like so basically you got this is meaningless story. It's just you guys kept it in here because you wanted America to see Andy staring at Siggy's boobs. We got into some weird Siggy

moment where she's like, I told my mother I'm not going to Israel army. And then my mother, that was when I got here. I got a job at TGI Fridays. I got my first yellow Honda Prelude. And then I didn't like my name Siggy so I made it Sege on my license plate. I'm like how do you

even do that? She goes oh I just took a marker and put a marker over the A. She buys Sege. Like everything people everything that is done in New Jersey is illegal. Like Siggy's out there thinking it's cute changing her license plate with a Sharpie after shoplifting. Like, you could all be in prison.

I know. But I'll tell you one thing. My mother is an angel! So Siggy wants to send her son to, I guess, University of Miami. And she's, like, really insistent on it. And then they're like, but Sig, that's like a huge prize goal. And she's like, don't worry. He's a geek.

You know, he's a very ugly boy, but he's beautiful to me. But he's got great game and he's a geek. I'm not sure if he's even really sexually active. I mean, he doesn't even like me touching his butt. I mean, I don't know how many trash cans I have to drive over to get him excited. So Jacqueline's kid and stuff. and it's supposed to be the moment where jacqueline cries and she's like oh my god he swiped an ipad um but then it turns to ashley and tree's like oh yeah she's a kid and she's gonna be a mom but the other night she tweeted

pictures of me as an ape and i don't know what kind of mom does that i'm like you're a mom and we just saw you flip a table on somebody's head. And Jacqueline's like, well, that's a taste of your own medicine. And then they show the clip of Teresa basically being like, you're ugly. That girl's ugly. Her face is crazy. She looks like she's terrifying. Whatever she was saying about Jackie.

Yeah. Well, I mean, I don't know. I think Ashley is totally. I didn't know whether to be happy to see awful Ashley return from the dead or to be like, ugh, Ashley, no matter what, she's still just going to be an immature little bird. Ashley can act like she's totally changed and totally different. But fighting with older ladies is weird. And she's done it since her first season and at this point it's bizarre to keep going for theresa like get get a life girl get a hobby go back to buzz like

mother like daughter honestly yeah um they're both they're both just like pretty awful and then theresa was like well she was you know i'm not theresa jack was like well she was tweeting she tweeted at you because you know your daughter your daughter tweeted at me, and then, like, they showed the tweet that she sent out. It was like, can we all just get along? Jacqueline's like, that was so rude! Yeah, it's like, can we respect our elders, guys? And she's like, how dare she?

But Tree yelling, your kidneys will learn respect is hilarious, considering her children, you know, sitting on salmon in the salad aisle. Yeah. is hilarious considering her children yeah you know sitting fresh produce aisles yeah yeah sitting on salmon in the uh salad aisle yeah so then joe gorg comes out and you know of course i mean why should all the objectification happen to just the women here comes andy and by the way it's not like we don't do it too but andy was like joe so i saw like i you naked. Like you have a nice dick.

I like it. You have a nice dick. I just thought to myself, whoa, Joe Gorka has a pretty dick. I guess the reason why it's like gross to me that he keeps saying this is that it's always like the first go-to. I mean we often are like, oh, that guy is hot. She's hot. She's got huge boobs or whatever. But like it's always – he just always opens up with, wow, nice boobs.

Wow, nice rack. Nice dick. Nice butt. It's just – the priority that it takes is just like, ugh. Yeah, every time. So they ask about Frankie. Frankie's in pictures with the Monzo boys on the Insta. And they're like, whoa, this is what a crazy crew.

You guys hang out. It's the closet crew. So basically every closeted man on the block. Well, Dolores is saying like, yeah, no, the Manzo boys have been great. They've been like mentoring Frankie on business. I'm like, the Manzo boys are mentoring Frankie on business. Okay. Exactly how is that going to turn out for Frankie?

You have Yelp, right, Dolores? Yeah. Have you seen their resume? You do know they're like 33 without any holding down a job for more than six months, right? They start talking about the kids of the show and everybody how well they're doing raising their kids um and then they start fighting about melania for well i'm not fighting not fighting andy's like like so siggy like as a relationship expert like what do you think about melania is she out of control and so he's like baloney meloney. Melania is me. I am Melania.

I was like, I love that one-woman play. I am Melania. Act one. Daddy, you're so fat. The fat of daddy just makes me want to go and sit on a salad at A&P. You look like a pregnant lady. Daddy just makes me want to go and sit on a salad at A&P. You look like a pregnant lady. Now, let me drive my emotions away on a quad.

And then they showed how sweet Milani is with Nick when she's like, oh, hi, Nick. Can you feel pain? And then pulled out nails. I was like, oh my god, this is so nice. And then we went on to I think then was the Melissa montage, right? Oh, yeah. I'm a man. I'm a woman.

How are we ever gonna get along? The montage somehow was more boring than their story arc was this season i know and he's like andy's like joe amazing cock aside people on twitter are saying that you're sexist because you said crumb to cake and just like hey define sexist this is the only show that i would believe somebody means that literally yeah

no seriously what is that what is that sounds nice joe's like i was raised a certain way i'm a guy i used to like when i was growing up i used to get in the shower i'd leave my clothes on the ground my sister would come in i'd come out of the shower i'd be standing there naked she'd dry me, make sure my dickhead was nice and shiny, you know, by the time it was all dry. You know, I mean, what's the big deal? She'd put her finger up my butt and then, you know, blow dry me and then put me in a new outfit. I mean, what's so crazy about that? She's like, meh. Creepiest brother and sister couple on TV.

I just know those two are fucked. uh brother and sister couple on tv i just know those two effect we learned um a whole bunch of like uninteresting gossip that like melissa shoplifted when she was younger um derrick the mouth breather quit envy um who who would have thought that that wouldn't work out that that derrick the like the fanboy paparazzo, would not be a good store manager. Let's see. Why did Derek quit? She's like, I just thought he – I think that he noticed that things were getting a little weird. Like, okay.

So then the fighting comes about. Like no one was coming to the store. It wasn't actually a real store. Yeah. Our lease ran out, so he's gone. So the question now is, were you trying to sabotage the posh fashion show which is a classic and did you tell melissa that she couldn't go to posh or jacklyn yeah or jacklyn that's what i meant and i'm like why is this an issue of course of course she did like and she should like on top of the fact that posh is a competitor kim d has been gunning for melissa

all this time so yeah like if i had like a friend and i'm like you know i actually probably would not guilt anyone either way but like i don't put i would not be upset at melissa being like are you gonna go to that you know she's like a real bitch to me and she's my competitor like i'd prefer if you didn't go and like give her free publicity on the air like that's not a crazy thing and for and so for jack and be like you were trying to do it's like calm down jack then it all makes sense yeah she said if if if i could apportion it'll be filmed i'm like yeah yeah you're on a tv show that's how that works i mean that said melissa is a total robber she's never had a an original idea in her entire fucking life she did steal i mean everyone can have a store i guess but she did have a store and then purposely filmed

her opening when posh fashion week is a classic to real housewives of new jersey how dare you ma'am yeah you know that's like when everyone from the paris you know section of tj maxx comes to watch. Pups in Paris. Okay, so Melissa is like, no, I was just saying that you're bringing her back. Because of course, you're back and now Kim T is back in everybody else's business.

And Tria's like, she was saying stuff about my husband. Oh, Teresa. Jesus Christ. Everyone's saying stuff about my husband oh teresa jesus christ everyone's saying stuff about your husband it was in every magazine that your husband's cheating we saw you in a vineyard when he thought it was off mic talking to somebody and calling you a c word yeah come on so around here this is this was sort of an interesting thing where i was upset because jacqueline made me take teresa's side But basically the question someone posed, I'm not even sure if it was Andy, was what's the difference

between Jacqueline, you know, asking Teresa about the jail rumors and the tabloids a few years ago versus Siggy, who Teresa had just met. And Siggy was like, so what's up with the cheating rumors? And Teresa couldn't really answer properly in my mind uh she was just like well you know how long have I known you have a lot but like I actually get what she was trying to say or at least I believe I do I feel like what she was trying to say was look you invited me over and you were trying to act like you were concerned about me as a friend but you just wanted gossip and you just wanted the news and a also I'd also like to say i think that theresa believe it or not was in a different place like mentally back then but i think that like jacqueline was a little bit more self-interested whereas ciggy it's like well you know they don't know each other there's not

like it's like they're like ciggy was being nosy but it's also not like you know like like a good friend wouldn't ask those questions but someone knew they don't know any better he was trying to be positive i agree relation relationship whatever she was curious it was i think siggy's came from genuine curiosity like like how are you doing like you know you're they're putting this all out there like how are you doing and on top of that tree gave her an answer was like yeah well it's all fake and siggy took it whereas jacklyn when she was like there's nothing there jacklyn's like but but but i keep reading this and how do you think i feel and jacklyn made it all about herself and it was all about self-interest so long story short believe it or not i take theresa's side in this situation well just to add on to what you said

it wasn't uh it was because that was the season that jacqueline was still pretending to be friends with theresa and working behind theresa's back with caroline so theresa hadn't even heard all this stuff that jackie was talking about her that season and she didn't know that they were both ganging up to come after her yeah so jacqueline acted like she was having her over for some nice stuff and then tried to out her on camera with stuff that she knew she didn't want to talk about on camera. And then had Caroline show up to, you know, and Caroline openly hated her,

I believe at this point. Yeah. And I think that was, that was total sabotage. It was, that was a big thing too. It was like, she wanted to like sort of basically get her on whether,

you know, Caroline maintains that she just showed up and that was that. And even if you were to accept that as true, it still was Jacqueline putting her friend on camera and forcing her to talk about something she was really uncomfortable to talk about. Now, I remember at the time, and I still believe, you know, Teresa has never been really, I think, like upfront about the fraud situation. She's never really addressed it. And I remember at the time when that aired, I was so livid at Teresa because I felt like she was not being honest. And I still think that she was totally not upfront about that situation. They probably

could have avoided going to jail entirely if they had not been in such denial or been so shady. But Jacqueline also though was being gossipy and she was hiding it under the veneer of being a good friend and it was very self-interested and she was talking about how it affects her and how does it make

me feel when I read these things and you don't even tell me and we're supposed to be friends. it was very self-interested and she was talking about how it affects her and how does it make me feel when i read these things and you don't even tell me we're supposed to be friends it was very self-interested as opposed to someone like siggy coming in who really doesn't have an axe to grind and it's just like hey so what's going on yeah yeah she's like how can i help on totally different so then we move over and he's like look uh it's a gorga sandwich and i'm like wow it's like joe joe just got a boner right now he's like sitting in between his sister and his wife gross so she's like yeah this is what families are like you bond if you're both you know gonna make money on a tv show together i don't think these two ever would have spoken to each other again had it not been for this tv show. Yeah. Joe and Teresa.

Yeah, I agree. So they're talking about like, oh, it's a Jersey miserable, miserable miracle. And Tree starts. Basically, it's just this huge clip of them making up. So then Andy's like, so now that Melissa and you are friends again, is she going to go to visit Joe in jail? Oh, good. She's like, no, I don't think so. And Teresa's like, no, it's because he has a huge family.

And like what he does, like he has dinner and then he calls everyone. What the fuck kind of prison? What is prison like now? It sounds amazing. You just work out, go to dinner, call everybody you know. What kind of calling plans do they have in prison? I'm getting screwed, T-Mobile. I know.

And then at what point then did Joe Gorga talk about losing his virginity? Right then. They asked him about the picture of them dancing. Oh, about the prom picture where joe had a mustache and gorga's like yeah well i've had a mustache since the second grade now i got a beard and her name is melissa wow um yeah so then he talks about how he lost his virginity at nine years old and that theresa walked in on it just i mean so many family traumas happening then got in on it yeah uh he's like i became a man at nine years old that's what we do and they're like ha ha ha ha ha i'm like um

yeah in 2016 you would probably be tried as an adult for rape but okay so then andy brings up the christening uh he's like let me see if i get these people to fight once more um and and melissa because i guess there was there was a question about like well you guys are saying that melissa and theresa you guys are saying that nothing's gonna come in between you again but back then nothing came between you and you guys were just fighting anyway so then melissa and most and theresa basically said well it was more the issue was really more about theresa and her brother yada yada there's putting a nice spin on it, and Jacqueline's like, what about the sprinkle cookies? I'm like, shut up, Jacqueline.

And then Teresa, this is what cracks me up. Jacqueline is always bringing up the past and stuff, but Teresa, you can't ever even be on her side because she's such a liar. She's like, why? I didn't even throw the cookies away. I just took the blame because somebody else did it. And they wanted me to take the blame. I didn't read the fine print on the sugar cookies. I thought you could just put them in the trash and it would be okay.

But apparently you got to read. This is a lesson to all the little girls out there. Always read the instructions on everything you do, including sprinkle cookies. Yeah, and it kind of works. Like, Jacqueline is so obvious what she's doing, but it works because she's mad now. And then Melissa's like, well, even if you didn't like them, you should have just said thank you.

Like, they're going to actually talk about sprinkle cookies. And Tree gets mad and squeals. She's like, Arnie! People were talking about you at the party, at the family party. They were all talking about you. And then they wanted to throw your cookies away. By the way, apologies to our listeners.

We got some feedback that some of you who listen to the podcast on earphones. It's a little bit of a challenge when Ronnie does his Teresa squeak. Oh, sorry. I'll move further away from the mic. Usually when I'm yelling, I turn away from the mic and stuff, but... So then there's more bickering between now, Jacqueline and Melissa, and I couldn't even follow

what they were saying. They just kept on accusing each other of implying something. You imply! You! No, you imply! You imply! They just kept on saying imply over and over again. Yeah. You implued. I just wrote implued. Oh, then it becomes stri again. Yeah. I just wrote employed. Oh, then it becomes stripper. And you implied I was involved in

stripper gate and I wasn't. And Tree's like, oh, okay, you want to talk about stripper? Stripper. You're a stripper. What was your stripper name? Amber or Fruit Loops? Yeah. Give Andy a lap dance. Yeah. Oh, and she actually goes actually goes delores you know that jacqueline was a

stripper you know she was a stripper and delores is like look i've never gone to a strict club and seen jacqueline that's what i'll say yeah it's like oh that's a convenient way to wiggle out of that one yeah so basically you're saying jacqueline was a stripper because you're not flat out denying it yeah exactly so jacqueline oh good so we go to stripper gate again which i can't because it's like two seasons ago and it was even old then so let's just get past it shall we i i agree i agree and then like um somehow the stripper gate it like it takes us so far back that we're even going back to that reunion that happened that was taped during stripper gate when jacqueline didn't show up i

mean it was really really going back and then jacqueline was because they were saying she was in on it and because theresa was saying jacqueline was in on stripper gate and she felt so guilty that's why she didn't show up at the reunion and jacqueline's like no because my son had autism and was regressing and it was just like it was just blah. It was a bad, bad moment. Yes. But the new stuff that came out of this old fight was that Teresa is now saying that Jacqueline is the one who set up that fight because her argument always before was that she just got tricked into it. And it was Kim D.

Now is Jacqueline who was doing it on purpose. And then it became about uh who was setting teresa basically decided to double down on blaming everything on jacqueline she's like you know what why not let's let's just do this and she accused jacqueline of selling stories to the tabloids about uh about joe having a mistress uh and then and then teresa is like you know if if joe cheated on me i would find the hottest guy ever yeah like the lawyer we agree good job so uh see jacklyn's like whatever 21 counts of phony fraud which yeah you know it's funny and they and they were just they were just now just going at each other theresa was now trying to she was trying to drag delores into it being like delores hated you jacklyn and then they're just like fighting and

eventually eventually theresa theresa is just like you know what i pled guilty and you set me up and essentially now so now she's accusing her of sending her to jail basically she's saying it's all jacklyn's fault and abby's like wait what so it's her fault that you went to jail she's saying it's all Jacqueline's fault and Andy's like wait what so it's her fault that you went to jail she's like yeah she called the government yeah I don't believe that I love that in Teresa's mind you just like get the yellow pages out and look up the government

yeah hey I'd like to make her call the government please okay my name is a bitch and also she's phony frauds yeah I'm sure andqueline you know to be fair jacqueline's been awful this reunion but here she was just gobsmacked she's like what this is crazy and i liked she said one thing that was funny she was just like when she could compose herself like from the shock she was like well no wonder you're so angry at me.

And that was how it ends. Yep. Oh, Lord, y'all. And now we have Mary to Medicine. Mary to Medicine. It is back, everyone. Oh, my God. This show is so crazy.

It is. This is one of those shows where they yell and scream at each other so much, by the end of the season, it hurts in a way. It's like, oh god, it's painful to just watch them ruining each other. But man, getting back into it sure is fun. Yeah, it was, I mean, I don't know if I would say it was so much fun. I feel like

Marriage Medicine has fallen far from its days. Season one was brilliant. It has its moments. Last season got better as it went along. But this season had sort of a... To me, it was a little bit of a bizarre season premiere. There was a lot of attention on Lisa Nicole Cloud.

And I don't understand why she gets so much attention on this show because she's by far and away the most annoying person on the show and and her whole thing is that she wants to have a baby and pretty much the entire show was her being going around being like so i've decided to have another baby and everyone just be like huh you what until she gets to heavenly who just openly laughs in her face yeah i mean heavenly is so so, so hilarious. She goes to the doctor with her. She's like, this is a very serious appointment. I'm very serious about getting pregnant.

And Heavenly goes, you think we have any babies to get them? I need to take a day and work on my Heavenly before our next podcast. But I was laughing so, so hard at her because she's like, I thought it was a joke at the bonfire. You said you couldn't trust him and you're out of there. And then they show the clip of her being like, Darren has lied to me the last time I am out of there. And then at the strip club getting called, getting called out by the stripper because her husband was always in there and he's like a regular or whatever and he's so good and then Lisa looks furious that Heavenly's even brought it up

when she's trying to make a new storyline about having some raisin baby or whatever and she's like well we have decided to work through our communication issues it ain't communication you fucking hoes yeah I I just communication issues. It ain't communication, you fucking hoes. Yeah.

Yeah, I, um, I just, it was, I was kind of speechless about the entire thing. Like, first of all, you're of a certain age. Second of all, the doctors, all the, this is a show called Married to Medicine, and literally every doctor was weighing in at some point being like, you know that you might die, and you're gonna leave

behind two children. You realize this. She's like, yes, I would like to have another baby, please. Yes. Yeah, because she's actually got a disease that every time she has a baby, it's possible that her vein thrombosis could travel up to her brain and kill her or whatever. And they're all like, is it? Dr. Jackie's like, she brought heavenly to my office and i thought get this woman out of my office i love jackie but she's like you know that you could possibly die

right it's like yes i have thought of it and i have decided a baby is important to me yeah it's like but the thing that was also really annoying about it is that you know she's not going to get pregnant you know this is just a stupid storyline and we're gonna have to sit through it and then they're gonna pull out the old fake babies and be like okay let's make sure that you are still able to still remember what it's like to take care of a baby and it's gonna be the whole thing of the baby crying the baby robot crying in the middle of the night and having it's gonna be the whole thing that we saw two years ago on this show and many other shows yeah this show is always i mean these shows always have

this storyline of someone thinking that you're going to be able to have a baby when like i don't know their their ovaries are like falling out like little golden raisins singing songs like at the breakfast commercial and her husband looks more could not look more terrified of the prospect of another child with this woman yeah he's like i'll be home late for work i think yeah but jackie uh jackie cracks me up because jackie doesn't even pretend that this is new she's like you might remember the season i went through the delusional thought process of thinking that my vagina would produce children as well yes we remember girl yeah no lisa lisa is so ridiculous that in fact she decided to host a big party to celebrate that she's gonna try to have a baby this was like real housewives of

cheshire when don was like i got big news we're gonna try to have a baby it's like so you're announcing that you're gonna have sex great yes and. Yes. And Heavenly is like, a party? My mama didn't know I was pregnant until I was seven months. That's like a Phaedra right there. Phaedra's like, I had my child at three months. That's right. I had a three-month pregnancy. And do not look at the dates.

Thank you very much, Mother. I had my child in wedlock. So over at Dr. Simoneone's this is fishy they've so they're trying to sell one house and move into another or something and they're living apart but she's like let's please have a lot of happy family scenes together yeah like well i love her family i love her family her kids are like are like so sweet and Cecil's so nice I like them all I'm always a big Simone fan although she does go crazy and she went really crazy at the end of this episode

for truly no reason yeah she was over the top yeah Quad has adopted her brother and his family yes making them friends and her husband seems so psyched he's like this is gonna be great he's like i want a baby not your brother yes um what else was happening with these characters well uh what

you should have did was uh pay your taxes oh my god toya of course toya's husband is like uh we're like literally broke right now toya she's like that's why I always said what we should have did was made a list of the things that we want the responsibilities of the list stuff to do. And that's what I've always said to you. And he's like, you make zero fucking sense. I'm changing the pin. Eugene, Eugene, the pin's not working. Every time I stick a pin into the ATM machine, no money comes out. Eugene.

Well, Gene, the pin's not working. Every time I stick a pin into the ATM machine, no money comes out. Well, Gene. She's acting like she's so responsible and she can't believe that they're in this situation when she just made him rent to own that mansion because some basketball player owned it. I mean. Yeah. And meanwhile, she has, like, you know, helped. She has been the one, like, she's like, you need to do a brick and mortar for your for your nomad md thing i'm like this is the worst business idea nomad md was already pretty like shaky and now

that it's like some place where you get like your you know you get some sort of rejuvenation through iv rejuvenation i'm like you can't build you can't take this long to build a facility based off of a fad. Because the fad is now over. You're going to lose so much money. That huge infusion fad that was going on is now over. So, Simone and Heavenly, what were they talking about? Oh, they're driving together. Basically, people

are like, no, Heavenly, we won't have lunch with you, but you can drive with me while I'm doing errands. Yeah, basically. I'll do a scene in a car with you like even in everybody's car even her daughter's like that she's like mom get in the car we'll do our scene there uh so they're talking about the baby and uh do they go to the party Do they go to the party? Yeah, they go to the party right now. I think that Heavenly and her husband give Simone a ride to the party. So they get to this party.

It's a celebration. It must have been around Valentine's Day because it looked cold out and everyone was wearing red. And Lisa Nicole comes out with an item from the Lisa Nicole collection. It was beyond terrible. It had all the garish cutouts of a Real Housewives of Orange County dress, but had all this weird pom-pom stuff all over it. Yes, and strips of red fur.

It was a disaster. She liked to brag how any event she has is an advertisement for her clothes. I'm like, you are doing some terrible marketing right here. I mean, this is making me yearn for the days of Alexis Couture. They don't have access to the top runway models in the world or whatever. Usually models on this show, they find it at a mall. They're like, you want to be on a show?

And they're like, okay. But the models are classier than these clothes yeah i mean yeah i mean everything everything was it was both like terrible and yet great this is sort of what we look forward to with these atlanta shows you know like crappy models crappy attempts at like self-made fashion it's great jackie and her husband just laughed when they saw the models they just started cracking up yeah jackie and her husband are like doing their own low-rent version of yours mine or ours they're like she's like i want to live in a townhouse in the city and he's like i want to live in the suburbs and then they're just like then there's

like an awkward pause while they wait for like reza and the other one to show up taylor and they're like okay well i guess they're not gonna be here for this one okay i brought an ipad for them okay we've decided to rent something in seattle that's how that show would end yeah wait those weren't even the options yeah they actually kept taylor and reza away because they knew to destroy the casts you sent them to a different state quad came uh over to the party and she's like Miss Quad honey but she's like well Lisa Nicole is representing the Lisa Nicole collection very cheap

and very late well she doesn't lie and Lisa Nicole said hi Quad let us just move forward and let the past be in the past and she's like it don't need to be named. Disgust doesn't need to be labeled or attacked.

Head on, dead on. Consider it done. Over. Ran over a speed bump. Backed up over it. Still going slower. And new beginnings, honey. Like I always say, you can't take a potato chip out of a bird's mouth without a firing gun first.

say you can't take a potato chip out of a bird's mouth without firing a gun first. Roll out the red carpet because we are about to have an opening of a box of possibly crackers, maybe cookies. I don't care. I'm chewing politely either way, girl. Oh, girl, it's pumpkin season and I am firing

up the torch. It is raining cats and ribbons outside and I've decided to do the hair of a doll that's what i'm saying girl like what what are you talking about you can't chase a lizard up a palm tree without having a pair of scissors first i've missed quad i know but there's always whenever i do whenever we do a quad run I always get a sense of anxiety because I'm like, okay, how can I take – I've got to think of like three different nouns and pair them together. And I'm always like, I've got two nouns. I've got two nouns.

Where's the third one? And usually by the end of the sentence, I've just talked about something that's on my desk. I'm like, if you've got a quarter and a pen and a piece of paper, then I'll tell you what you've got. You've got a quarter and a pen and a piece of paper, then I'll tell you what you've got. You've got a dance party. You can put a Mr. Potato in a coffee head, but you can't write on a notebook with an iPhone. I'm setting my alarm because soon it's going to be laundromat card time. So Lisa, Nicole, everybody's there now so uh they basically just start fighting of course they are sitting outside all around this you know square patio furniture couch and it's so boring

and tori is like lisa nicole we shall amp it up and we need to teach you how to party. No one's dancing. No one's drinking. She's like, what is the problem? You can't have a party without drama. And Toya's like, you're supposed to appease your guests. Well, you said it was appease me. And Lisa Nicole's like, you should make the fun. If you would like it to be more fun, you should be the fun.

Be the change you would like to see. And then she decides to stop Toya being rude by standing up and giving a speech. She's like, I would like to say I am so thankful. This is a celebration of life. I could possibly die if I get pregnant. And Lord knows my husband sure isn't excited to be doing this, but here we are.

Party! Wow, inspirational speech, Lisa. Great times. Quad's like, you gotta get old ass alive. Number two, you gotta get the Roman pants. She goes, one, okay, this wasn't just nonsense my notes are crazy but quad's like if that's gonna happen one you got to get those old ass eggs to move

around and number two you got to get the sisterhood of the traveling roman pants to agree i was like was she referring to his mom jeans that he always wears? Oh, God. And then Toya. Yeah, no, sorry. Yeah. No, I was just... Simone, I just wrote, Simone wrote, how old is too old? Well, doesn't Toya start going in again being like...

Wasn't Toya the one who was like, was like well like what you should have did was not have a baby but work on your marriage because your man goes to strip clubs that's what you should have did oh god well it started getting ugly because lisa gives her speech about how she's gonna have a baby and then all of her friends are like ha ha ha boo you're not gonna have a baby what are you nuts you don't want a baby, everyone basically boos her speech, and so she starts getting really upset, and I think it was Toria who was like, I mean,

even the doctor said you're gonna be doornail dead, and Jackie's like, well, actually, what I said was, and then Simone goes, Quad needs a baby. We are talking about Lisa Nicole and this is when she just goes off

the rails and she's like Quad when are you gonna admit that you are the one who should be having a baby and look at your husband he wants a baby she was doing that thing where she's screaming and yelling about nothing like she was screaming about

something that was like not even anything that she's involved in and and it was not like why are you screaming right now why are you so impassioned it's not your argument and even if it was your argument why are you screaming this she's like he is 45 give that man a baby and quad's like i want to rip your face off right now And Quad's like, I want to rip your face off right now. Quad didn't even understand what this fight was. Because really, in a normal conversation, it would be, Lisa, Nicole, you're probably too old to have a baby. Please stop trying to come up with storylines that don't involve your husband dick and bimbos up in strip clubs. And while we're on the subject of babies, Quad, you know you want a baby.

You're already raising your brother's family. Why don't you give your damn husband a baby? I mean, come on. That's it. It's her choice. Her choice. It's her body. Her choice.

Oh, my God. But then Quad just starts going off because she doesn't understand. But Quad does understand if it's time to fight, she'll just start screaming and yelling whatever to you. And Simone goes, what are you? Why are you waiting? And she and she's like well because i have a company in a business and if there's a mountain to climb i'm taking a bicycle around a block and simone's like you don't have to be a millionaire you don't have to be a millionaire she's driving a porsche a porsche and she goes, and you know what? That Porsche is not enough.

If I had a Porsche on a bicycle, I would still ask for a boat to drive my Porsche to the dog park. And Simone's like, you're taking life for granted! You're taking it for granted! What the? And Grodd goes, I'm not love. I'm not love. I'm not love. What I not love. I'm not love. What I'm doing, it's preparing for life to come.

And believe me, baby, I'm about to take your face off. These people are nonsensical. And I was dying laughing. I was literally writing down everything Quad said. Well, what's funny about this show is how it can sort of just, like, you know, hum along, be kind of, like, boring, and nothing really is happening. And then out of nowhere, like, a huge fight will just erupt they will just like you don't even see the the seeds of the fight it just is something random about like you know it could be a fight about who took the last canapé from the from the waiter passing by you know like they'll

just start screaming there was some food here finally Finally I made the guy who bring me the canapé make a dance. Now this party's good. Turn it up. Thanks, Toya. Yeah. So next week it looks like Mariah is back.

I don't know if she's I thought she was a full time cast member again, but she wasn't in this episode. I guess we'll see. I wasn't paying enough attention to the opening credits to see if she was

actually in them. But it looks like the craziness will continue. Yes, Married to Medicine. And this week we get to see the excitement and the newness that is Married to Medicine Houston, which we will be covering on our bonus episodes, everybody. Start next week. Yes, sirree. All right, everyone.

Thanks for listening. Have a great weekend. And we will talk to you all later. Bye.