Watch What Crappens - #346: Dog and Phony Show

Starting point is 00:00:00 From Wondery and Audible comes Class of 88, a new podcast hosted by Will Smith. Before 1988, a lot of people didn't take hip-hop seriously. But hip-hop today touches everything from film to fashion to sports. So what changed? Follow Class of 88 wherever you get your podcasts. Watch what crap is. Watch what crap is. Who cares what happens when there's so much that crap happens? What happens? What happens?

Starting point is 00:00:46 Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, Who cares what happens when there's so much that crappens? There's so much that crappens Oh, I mean, there's so much that crappens Who cares what happens when there's so much that crappens? Hey everyone, welcome to Watch What Crappens, a podcast about all that crap on Bravo that we just love to watch and talk about and laugh at and just have fun with. I'm Ben Mandelker from bsideblog.com and the Banter Blender podcast, and with me, as usual, is the absolutely wonderful and ravishing and hilarious

Starting point is 00:01:12 and stupendously brilliant and kind and sweet Ronnie Karam from TrashTalkTV.com and the Rose Pricks Bachelor podcast. What's up, Ronnie? Ben! Yes. Love ya.

Starting point is 00:01:28 Flattery will get to me everywhere, will it not? Yes. I feel so calm and peaceful and hugged. Yes. Well, you should feel calm and peaceful and hugged. Welcome, everyone. Welcome, Ronnie. We are here at the start of a brand new week on Watcher Crappens.

Starting point is 00:01:44 If this is your first time here, then guess what? There's fun things ahead of you. Please go to WatchWhatCrappens.com and you can find all our social media links to things like Snapchat and Instagram and Twitter. You can go to Facebook.com forward slash Watch What Crappens, where you can join in on the conversation. I think we're like 7,900 likes. Super exciting. Tons of people there making funny jokes, posting great links. And we do the show threads every day.

Starting point is 00:02:14 And so you can join in the conversation as the shows are happening. It's a really great community. If you're already part of it, then thank you. If you're not, then go join. And of course, subscribe on iTunes. Just look us up on iTunes. It's pretty simple. And on Patreon,

Starting point is 00:02:29 you can go to patreon.com forward slash watch for crap ins. And that's a way for you to support the podcast. And people who support the podcast get rewards depending on the tier that they donate at. For instance, we have some amazing super premium and premium sponsors.

Starting point is 00:02:46 Ronnie, you want to give the shout out? Yes. Thank you to Christy Dougherty and Mia Hansen Aloha Badge for being sponsors. And our super sponsor, Madonna Madge with the 60 J. Yes. These ladies are three of the ladies who keep our lights on. So that's... Our sugar mamas, y'all.

Starting point is 00:03:10 Also, next week, we are doing our Google Hangout, which is our video chat party hangout, and that is going to be Tuesday the 29th. Which is actually not next week. Tuesday the 29th. Next week, just remember that the week after will be the hangout.

Starting point is 00:03:28 That's coming up and we just finished an episode over an hour long, a bonus episode that we're going to be covering Married to Medicine Houston over on the bonus episodes

Starting point is 00:03:39 because we are so full with all these Bravo shows at the moment. So if you are into married to medicine houston and you should be because it looks like it's going to be a maze go on over to patreon.com slash watch what crap ends for the ponies yes that was a fun recap of marriage medicine houston and i hope that people watch that show because it was better than i ever thought it could possibly be. Yeah, me too. So we have a big old show, as is going to be the case for the next several weeks, because

Starting point is 00:04:09 there's so much stuff on Bravo. Today we're going to talk about the Real Housewives of Orange County reunion part deux. We are talking about Vanderpump Rules. We are talking about Real Housewives of Atlanta. A lot of funny stuff. What do you say we start with some Vanderpump Rules? How's that sound to you? I would love it.

Starting point is 00:04:32 Yes, sir. Well, Vanderpump Rules. I mean, this show. This show. This. Now, we love this show. And that concludes our recap of Vanderpump Rules. This show.

Starting point is 00:04:48 The way that this show finds a way to be so effing hilarious every single time. I was actually watching it live because I watched it last night. And there was one point where I tried to rewind because so much funny shit was happening at one time. And I realized I couldn't do that when it's live. So it went weird. point where i tried to rewind because so much funny shit was happening at one time and i realized i couldn't do that when it's live so it went weird and i missed like two minutes and i was so upset about it because it was during all of the crazy stuff that was happening at that stupid save the yulin dogs forever well they're like fighting about stupid shit while little puppies are behind their heads so you're gonna have to tell me about two minutes of it towards the end yeah i i am more than happy to do that because i

Starting point is 00:05:27 took tons of notes that probably don't even need to be taken i was like look at that candlestick um well the the we love talking about the music on this show because it never makes any fucking fucking sense the first song is whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa it's another lyrical masterpiece yes and um it was basically to set the stage to watch various cast members climb the staircase above sir talisa's office uh which really you know know, I mean, you know, I know they really did not like when Lala said they aren't working on their summer bods, but watching them all pant as they got to the top of that staircase kind of kind of lent credence to some of what Lala was saying. They're like, if you're not going to be nice to Lala, we're going to film a scene where

Starting point is 00:06:21 you have to walk up a flight of stairs. We should have learned laughter laughter laughter so they're having Lisa's getting ready for her world dog day

Starting point is 00:06:38 darling for the anti-meat trade and this is also by the way constitutes um another like audition process for a jiggy replacement where we met not not not one but two different dogs that lisa was trying to make us fall in love with darling it's nappy and harris is it harris or harrison i think harrison i was like that is not a very catchy name nappy and harrison can you just keep naming them Jiggy?

Starting point is 00:07:05 It's not like this is a young, healthy version of Jiggy, okay? It looks exactly like Jiggy, but it's got its hair. It doesn't have alopecia. And, of course, it's living, I think. I kind of feel like Nappy and Harrison sound like a band from the 70s. It was, darling. That's where I met Muhammad. They were the original founding members of Air.

Starting point is 00:07:28 Nappy! Oh, my God. Those dogs. So this jiggy twin looks like it's been drugged out. When she's holding it, its head is resting backwards. And I think, was this someone missing an eye? One of them's missing an eye. was this someone missing an eye one of them's missing nappy was missing an eye nappy oh my god i don't i don't know but i just love that i just love that she's already trying to replace jiggy it's like having uh it's like all these different saddam hussein's what hussein's wandering around so you don't know which one you're blowing up. It's like basically a classic

Starting point is 00:08:06 comedy trope where someone kills the cat or the dog that they're taking care of. They get a new one and paint a spot on it to make it look like the original. It's like we all saw Meet the Parents. It's like Weekend at Jiggy's. By the way, I want to take this, since we're

Starting point is 00:08:21 talking about things that are unpleasant to us, I want to talk this, since we're talking about, you know, things that are unpleasant to us, I want to talk about something that has actually been bothering me for probably about two seasons, maybe three seasons. It's Katie's nose ring. Okay, she has one of those, what do they call it, like a septum ring or something like that, where it goes in her nostrils. It's not that she has one of those, because I've seen people with those before it's fine but her nose ring is so small that time and time again it looks like a snot drip dangling there is that me yeah well you know that's one of those girls with like not a bat in the cave but it's like a bat is kind of just hanging out on a tree outside the cave it's a bat on a branch she's got a bat she's got a bat branch

Starting point is 00:09:05 she's been in a relationship too long she really needs to be put on her toes you know like she's just got a guy who will accept anything she needs somebody who's like your hair looks stupid and that nose ring is basically like a hanging booger tree please get rid of it it's like it's and it's an easy fix just like get the ring just slightly larger because it's small enough that you don't really see it but it's it has enough of a presence the ring just slightly larger. Because it's small enough that you don't really see it. But it has enough of a presence that it catches the light. So it looks like there's something glistening under her nose. So I always think she needs to wipe her nose.

Starting point is 00:09:35 And it's like, oh, no. It's that little, tiny, tiny, tiny nose ring. I'm like, just make it a little bit bigger so we can see it's a ring. And then we won't think of snot dangling from your nose. How about just get rid of it? Like, you're not a rebel and you're not a hipster, okay? You a waitress in West Hollywood. Like, you have a hair blog.

Starting point is 00:09:52 Okay? There's that, too. So they're all up there for, well, dog day planning celebration. And they're all talking, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then Lisa makes a reference to Kristen because they're saying that Kristen's coming. She got an invite. And because of the charity, Lisa goes, well, I hear that Kristen's very giving. And then looks at Brittany to be like, that was a reference to Cunnilingus, which happened to you from Kristen. I hear that Kristen is wonderful to pussies.

Starting point is 00:10:23 Let's hope she can pull something out for the dogs as well. And Brittany's like, hey, I'm beer slaying. She's like, I am mortified. Jax is spreading a rumor. I could punch Jax in his face, but, you know, rubber and glue and all that. She's going to come back and punch me in my own damn face. What am I, an idiot? No, I'm not.

Starting point is 00:10:43 By the way, I just want to apologize to the listeners for the drilling outside. I have closed every window and door. It's just, there's like perpetual drilling. I think they've like unearthed Al Capone's second tomb or something like that outside my window. It's never going away. I really apologize.

Starting point is 00:10:56 Original chicky tomb. It's the tomb from where Harrison was removed from. So Brittany and Sheena, after the meeting, Brittany's like, I cannot believe that Jax would be telling these rumors about me. How could you not have my back? Listen, bitch, you met this guy on Instagram after watching this show. You know he's a compulsive lying cheater. So let's please not pretend that you thought jacks was gonna have your back ever yeah and next time stop listening to rumors that say that jacks is a good guy all

Starting point is 00:11:29 right rumors are bad and you should know better yes you're on tv you won so just deal with it until you have a regular contract then dub jacks is britney in the opening she's not right well she's in the opening like photo of the entire cast um and by the way i was wrong uh last week i said that it was not guillermo in that photo but then uh guillermo himself liked something on my instagram randomly yes that was a name drop a guillermo name drop um and so that made me look at his instagram and i realized I was way wrong. It was Guillermo all along. I think Peter's new mom face confused you. I know. I was like, is that Mary Lou Retton back there?

Starting point is 00:12:15 So Jackson Shina says about Jackson I thought he would be more respectful with you. And Brittany's like, well, what were they saying? Like, oh, Sheena goes, I thought he'd be respectful with you. What is he going to, like, tweet about it next?

Starting point is 00:12:34 Yes, Sheena. Good one, Sheena. Good social media zinger. I'm aware of Twitter. Sheena unlikes this post. I like that post. And then I liked it. So he would see the heart and I'll see it.

Starting point is 00:12:48 So it's up here, girl. You got me. Thank you. Sheeners. So Brittany's like, well, I need space.

Starting point is 00:12:56 I'm going to just stay at your house tonight. I could use the comfort of multiple Sheena staring at me. And that leaving. Sheena, you know, you know, she has always like endless font of entertainment. And at one point, I don't remember what happened in the episode,

Starting point is 00:13:10 but there was like a throwaway, like shot of Sheena at the hostess desk. It was like, you know, one of those things where there was like establishing the tone of a restaurant, a busy restaurant. And Sheena did something that was so Sheena to me that I had to record a

Starting point is 00:13:22 soundbite. But so let me just play it for you because it actually made me crack up and it made me laugh. The more I listened to it, the more I laughed. So let me set the stage. Sheena's at the hostess desk and Diana walks up to her.

Starting point is 00:13:34 Okay, ready? Hey, girl. Hi. How are you? Good. Good. Hey, girl. Hi. How are you good good good good she's actually become her own foley she's just a beep

Starting point is 00:13:54 wait hey girl hi how are you? Good. Boop. She is beeping. Good. And let's not overlook the hi either. Hey, girl. Hi. That is totally a Ben beep in traffic. Like, when Ben gets mad, when you get mad in traffic, you don't do, like, the brrrr. You go, boop.

Starting point is 00:14:20 Well, I have different layers of beeping depending on the infraction. A lot of times I find that usually people just need a Sheena beep. Hey, girl. Hi. How are you? Good. That's when you cut Ben off in traffic. You hear this Sheena's Toyota Camry beep.

Starting point is 00:14:41 I don't know where my keys are, by the way. Maybe someone later on can help me find them. Oh, my God. So next up is Voda Spa, which is here in – Yeah, that's right. I've always wondered what it looked like on the inside. Well, it's not really West Hollywood, is it? It's like kind of east-ish.

Starting point is 00:14:56 No, it's on Santa – A little over the east. It's on Santa Monica Boulevard. It's on that like elongated part of West Hollywood. It is full east. It's east West Hollywood. and it's on that it's on that like that elongated part of west hollywood that's on sam it's it is fully we ho it's east it's east west hollywood here is my relationship with the photo spa okay guys when i worked at the moroccan restaurant a long time ago the chef adele created the menu for vote vote a spa okay so he's like the real life chef Penny. Wow. Crazy in Moroccan and will throw pans at heads.

Starting point is 00:15:26 So he's like, you ever want to go to the Vodafone, man? You just let me know. I can get you in there. I made the chicken salad and the quinoa, whatever. No, I don't. I went by there one time when they first opened and it was just these hairy Russian guys that I know will just be like, that's the sound they make. Because this is a Russian neighborhood. It's like all the old Russian dudes

Starting point is 00:15:47 spitting on the street and giving dirty looks to me as I pass. So you heard it here first. The menu for Vodospa was created by Adele. Yeah, guys. We're in. We're in at Vodospa. I set fire to the quinoa.

Starting point is 00:16:05 Okay, so the Toms go to the spa. So this is like a cross-cut thing. So basically the Toms go to the spa, and then Katie's at home with Stassi. I think Katie goes to visit Stassi, and she brings Stassi some princess water, which I assume is from the same line as Asa's diamond water. But either way, I was like i was like insufferable

Starting point is 00:16:26 there's something katie is like really annoying me this season just because she's doing all those insufferable kind of annoying pinteresty things like she's like the annoying side of pinterest and she's like fully embracing it now that she's a bride to be yes katie's always too much but with stassi in her life she's like 20 times as bad i do love watching tom and tom together i think they're so cute they are cute i don't know if they have drunk makeout sessions i don't know what it is with them they're adorable i love that tom still says he's a model and refuses to lose like the two pounds that he has covering him but he's insecure about it and like sucks in the whole time like i just love everything about them okay even your lesbian hair tom number one yeah tom you know tom number one is i feel like is a good egg i like to

Starting point is 00:17:09 i like them both uh and they have a cute relationship and they're just there getting massaged and meanwhile as stassi's place they're like hanging out and they're like debating whether or not to drink a beer and stassi's like well i'm not gonna drink a beer because i'm working my summer bod i was like lala did a number on you. I see what happened there. Lala's the new queen. Lala's the new queen. I know. I know that that's supposed to be like bitchy and mean of you, Stassi, but it's just sad. It's like, she had a point.

Starting point is 00:17:33 And also, Katie is wearing some kind of cape. The cape's lame satyr. Say it again? The cape's lame satyr yeah let's say it again the caped lame satyr she's wearing a cape and on the back it's like this navajo it's more of a poncho than a cape yes it's like a poncho she stole out of the indian casino she went to like to see the navajo gallagher she went to like to see the navajo gallagher sorry instead of watermelon like this guy totally smashed a fry a fry bread it was like everybody was like well like hilarious but gross you know what i mean we're going down a bad path right now

Starting point is 00:18:16 we're going down a very bad path apologies i opened the door for that one i just was so excited to make a silly illusion and i i I opened the door. Let's just not. Not during this time when there's pipeline issues. No. Okay. Oh, okay. I wasn't even thinking of that. The point is we were about to put our feet in our mouths in a bad

Starting point is 00:18:36 way when all we want to do is make fun of stupid people on Vanderpump Rules. Yes. It's no one's... It's not the pipeline's... Like, you can't blame the pipeline for katie's poncho okay that solely rests on katie's shoulders i think that actually the protesters saw katie with her poncho they'd be like you know what let's just have a pipeline we've lost everything just start making cul-de-sacs like we need to like up our game because now it's spilling over

Starting point is 00:18:59 into you know west hollywood i did not say spilling over on purpose okay katie katie is like oh my god i'm doing this thing for lisa because i'm her assistant now and it's like a dog carnival and i'm in charge of tickets oh my god she literally is acting like she just landed a spot on the apprentice i'm not even saying that because we're talking about in a post and we're in a trump's america now she literally is acting like i mean she has like an mba yeah like i'm getting a bucket and raffle tickets it's like so much responsibility but i'm learning so much like well did you know that staples sells both those things i mean i thought it was just staples the whole world has changed yeah i thought it was just like, you could get staples,

Starting point is 00:19:46 you can listen to Mavis staples, and you can get like certain staples of your diet there. But wow, you can get like so much more. I was like, possibly fruit, vegetables, bread, and meat.

Starting point is 00:19:55 Tequila. Very. Tequila. Tequila. So Stassi is like, I worked for Lisa for like four hours one time, and it was the biggest nightmare I've ever, ever faced. And then they show a clip of her working for Lisa, and Lisa's like, darling, could you get the makeup?

Starting point is 00:20:16 Darling, could you possibly open that door? I'm like, only Stassi would find this to be the most stressful job in the world. She's like, ugh. It's like, this is worse than when I was on the amazing race family edition. Um, so, so basically the point of the scene is like,

Starting point is 00:20:37 it's supposed to become like a funny scene because Tom's telling Tom like, yeah, for, for the wedding, Bubba and I don't really have a budget. I think it's going to be like, you know, $500 total. And then Kitty's like,

Starting point is 00:20:44 I want to spend $50,000 on flowers alone. Tom's like, mmm, God, I don't really know. Oh, the wedding. He's like, I'm indecisive. And Katie's like, this is gonna be amazing. She goes,

Starting point is 00:20:59 I know that everyone's like, waiting to find out if they're my bridesmaid. And Stassi's like, yeah, I thought you were coming over to ask me to be maid of honor. She's like, yeah, but I hope it's not like the Hunger Games where everyone's like vying for one spot. Bitch, take a seat. Yes, please. When the season is about how fat you people have gotten and you're still wearing a Navajo poncho, probably not the time to be bringing up the Hunger Games.

Starting point is 00:21:25 Maybe go back to Lord of the Flies. Oh my goodness. This girl, this girl. People vying to be your bridesmaid, please. Like, everyone wants to be Tequila Katie's bridesmaid. They're like, back at, they're like, goddammit. They're like, back, I can't stop now. I hate this show sometimes. They're like, back, they're like, God damn it. They're like back, I can't stop now. I hate this show sometimes.

Starting point is 00:21:46 They're like back at like, sir. And they're like, it's busy, it's restaurant time. It's a busy restaurant. And the music's like, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. It has a closeup of James plugging in a MacBook. Whoa. I want everyone to hear some big. This is like an action show

Starting point is 00:22:06 time for some fresh new beats hey girl hi how are you good so James and Sheena are talking and he's like love can I speak with you outside love

Starting point is 00:22:22 would that be alright she's like hi okay good love, can I speak with you outside, love? Would that be all right? She's like, ah. Hi. Okay. Good. Bye. So, how are you?

Starting point is 00:22:32 She goes, good. My new nose is good, too. Good. Good. Yeah. And he's, like, trying to do his apology thing, and she's like, you're always like, and this is what you always do,

Starting point is 00:22:43 you always apologize, and he's like, well, I'm sorry. I've always been a truth-teller. I don't even know what that accent was it was just like i'm still in the australia melbourne transition like i'm having a lot of difficulty oh he is uh james was like well yes love but i'm very sorry and then he tells us well of course i need to say sorry but but is her nose new? I think it is. Does Katie look like a sitcom? What was I saying? What did he say about Katie? He's like, does Katie look like a bouncy house that is

Starting point is 00:23:12 past its limit? Yes, she does. I'm a true teller. Sorry that I can insult you way better than you can insult me. She's like, you're condescending. Alright, my bad. That's my bad, sorry then You've heard about my father, right?

Starting point is 00:23:30 I'm sorry, what am I condescending? I either send things or I don't send them But I don't condescend them She's like, James Kennedy Oh wow, it's like the opening act Here we go again, James Kennedy Apology to her, okay He's like the most ingenious ever.

Starting point is 00:23:48 I think I'll have one of each of the James apology tours. Cocktails. He's like game milk. He's like game milk, like homo genius. Okay. So

Starting point is 00:24:02 at this point we're just speaking gobbledygook James was wearing something with pleather sleeves Okay, that's all, we can move on now So then we go to Stout One of my favorite burger places Where Lala is there with Mama I just wanted to come someplace

Starting point is 00:24:18 Named after Kitty, Mom so so um they're like talking and like i was like i just need my mama and mama's like that's what mamas do they come and see their babies i laughed so hard when she said that because you loved when she was like i need my mama i need my mom and she really did in this she's like i wish i didn't have to be so reliant on my mama and her mom's like but i'm your mama she's like i know mama i love my mama your mama needs her baby i just want to be my baby for my mama she goes mom i feel like i'm becoming a vicious person around these people mama and she goes and that's not you i'm coming to the realization that you probably shouldn't drink and she's like waiter can i't drink. And she's like, waiter, can I have a drink? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:25:05 She's like, you know what, mama? It's just a two drink limit now for Lala. Okay, just two drinks. And as the waiter comes and gives her a giant goblet of white wine. Yeah. So they're talking basically. She doesn't like that she's having to be so nasty with these women. But, you know, it's because of them.

Starting point is 00:25:24 And her mom goes, I think it takes you back to when you were bullied. She's like, yeah, that's why I had acrylic nails and roots in the fourth grade. I was very confused with the situation. And next thing we knew, she was saying that she lost her virginity while listening to Lil Wayne, Lollipop. And I just was like,

Starting point is 00:25:44 you know, Lola's been a lost cause for a while, but I loveipop and i just was like you know lala's been a lost cause for a while but i love her i know and also i know we love mama but let's let's look at the evidence just in two sentences i was bullied and so i got acrylic nails and roots in the fourth grade okay did your mom have three jobs was she not there washing that shit out your hair and off your nails and then she goes mama knows everything especially that i lost my virginity with a red condom to the lollipop song where was your mother like where was she and why are we hugging her and why is the color of the condom really like why is that relevant as if like you said it was a blue condom it would somehow be like less embarrassing she even knows the color of the condom i just see my mama's condom

Starting point is 00:26:32 her mom's like oh my god you have a tender heart she's like i know mama she goes mama you've got lala's back for life i love also when lala was like crying at the table the waitress comes over she's like um so would you like a burger i just love when crying people get interrupted by waitresses wasn't this the waiter that she's like she goes uh would you guys like something to drink she's like i would like like mama or whatever she ordered like i would like the drink called mama and the waiter's like, yes! Okay! Great! It's like, okay, waitress, you're too supportive.

Starting point is 00:27:09 Please leave. You're not really in this scene. I need my mama. Not my waitress. I need my mama. So then we go over to Carter and Kristen having dinner. And this just gave us an excuse to hear Kristen make one of her many proclamations in life as in my relationship with carter is the best i've ever had seriously seriously it's the best it's so fucking good i'm

Starting point is 00:27:30 a fucking catch so uh how is your food you guys fucking fantastic and nothing fucking fantastic let's admit it everybody everybody admit it fucking fantastic okay i'm a catch like sorry it's just like the best fucking relationship I've ever had. Nothing ever signals disaster on the horizon to when Kristen says something is the best ever. She goes, yeah, like, he has a job and he doesn't fight with me and his name isn't James Kennedy. Also, he's a photographer assistant and makes less than minimum wage. And he reminds me of Tom, who I still love. I'm still paying this dinner, but it's fucking worth it because it's the best fucking dinner I ever fucking had.

Starting point is 00:28:12 The best fucking guy's ever been created on the earth. This Stouffer's mac and cheese is honestly the best one I've ever defrosted. Seriously? Seriously. So then we go over to the restaurant and they brought back my favorite set piece, which is the work freezer in the back. Yes. I love when they do scenes in front of this because, you know, they're just some little camera screwed into the wall opposite that fridge. And they're always like, okay, have a fight in front of the fridge.

Starting point is 00:28:41 Yeah. Lisa's like, darling, Sheenaena can we speak by the fridge now i would like to know what went down although i know exactly what went down her name was kristen she was like good good good so then it cuts to gossip the whole village of the restaurant gossiping it's all Good. Good. Good. So then it cuts to gossip. The whole village of the restaurant gossiping. It's all the people we haven't seen. The little Gays and guys like, oh, my God, you want to play? Watch us hop on.

Starting point is 00:29:14 Everybody's talking about Chris going down. We saw Christina for the first time this season. This actually kind of felt very staged to me. Like, it did not seem like anyone was gossip. It felt like the producers were like, okay, go say this to this person. But everyone, even the line cooks in the back were talking about it. And at one point, Brittany goes up to customers and she's like,

Starting point is 00:29:32 you guys need anything? And I was like, I'm surprised these customers aren't asking her about it at this point. How can you please sit on our face? You got Jax! Oh, I got Jaxed. so while all these rumors are going around jacks is there at the bar with tom and he's like is this going to be the topic of conversation all summer long i'm like dude you're the one who's told everyone yeah but like i was telling them so they'd have conversations with me like no one even talked to me about it they're just

Starting point is 00:30:03 talking to each other. Jax really had a gross episode. Jax isn't one of those people that improves with life. He just gets worse and worse. He really, really does. He's like, it has to get so moldy and stinky to be good, but then it just turns to a point where you're like, no, you're done.

Starting point is 00:30:23 Yeah. And he's just gross and condescending know sort of misogynist too so that when when britney confronts him it's it's amazing that he doesn't understand what she's trying to say because she's like stop spreading rumors about me jx and he's like you got to get over it though this is sir this is la people just gonna you know, listen. Everyone knows that at Sir, your boyfriend is going to start a rumor about you, and you just have to accept it. Yeah. It's like, it's L.A. Get over it.

Starting point is 00:30:52 This is what happens in L.A. In Kentucky, they may have values, okay, but we're in L.A. now. And you're going to have rumors about you. Yeah, Carter is telling Kristen. He's like, oh, Jackson Belich's. I was there. That didn't happen. What? kristin he's like oh jackson bellish is i was there that didn't happen uh what carter just gonna lie for to get his damn dinner paid because yeah none of that even makes sense

Starting point is 00:31:10 and then kristin follows that up she's like yeah i mean like i was super fucked i don't remember i mean i don't really know like i i think like 100 i did not go down on britney but like what's 100 i don't know i hate math don't like it seriously seriously math yeah she's obviously lying at this point and then meanwhile jacks and he's again he's being so condescending to poor sweet britney he's like you're making it more than it is like you literally made it into something like you it was nothing and you made it into something you made it more into more than it is which was nothing yes yeah he's ridiculous so um what happened after oh then so then she's mad

Starting point is 00:31:53 she's she's like i can't believe you'd hurt my feelings and just saying you're sorry you hurt my feelings ain't saying sorry you lied and then telling people you lied or whatever and she leaves all furious and then as she leaves she reveals james who now is suddenly next to the bar they keep changing his little spot and he's standing behind there's no music playing and he's bopping his head holding a headphone like yeah that's right good here comes here i come coachella dj james kennedy in the in the sir tent. There's no music. So then Lisa goes and gives Brittany a pep talk. They're in like a different room now.

Starting point is 00:32:32 And Lisa's like, darling, there always could be rumors. And this is what it's like living with Jax. You know, like you should be working with him. He's going to use a troublemaker. And you know that. So how was it anyway? Did she have sharp teeth? Anyway,

Starting point is 00:32:48 what are this wall of flowers? She's like, did your vagina smell like Kristen's black jack's breath? Lisa, stop getting into all of this. It's like, darling, will you water

Starting point is 00:33:04 this wall of roses? That woman from yours, mine, or ours installed it, and I never even asked for it in the first place. Yeah, that's a Reza design right there. She's like, I was sad about not being able to see a garden, so they've installed a wall of roses. Now get the ladder and pour water in it. I don't know how to do they uh

Starting point is 00:33:25 how is britney getting back at jacks for staying staying at uh sheena's house like you're basically giving him license to fuck whoever he wants when he comes home and get wasted like how is this hurting him make him stay at sheena's that's the real punishment yeah exactly stassi would kick him out i think stassi did kick him out back in season one. I hope. Yes. So Brittany, Sheena, Shay. So Brittany and Sheena, I mean, Shay and Sheena are in bed and Brittany wakes up because, you know, who can sleep with all those printed canvas Sheenas staring at you? Sheena sees Brittany and she immediately just assumes that she's coming to be waited on she's like i think i'll have one of the breakfast croissants you know i can't seem to make that joke properly today i've now messed it up twice i'll try each of the prime breakfast croissants i think i'll have each one i can't do it i can't do it i cannot do that joke anymore

Starting point is 00:34:21 it is cursed well britney's like welcome morning and they're in bed still there shane's like she is like i cannot wait to steal all this bitch's money and run away forever i know the pin is written down here someplace uh and britney's like okay well i guess i'll go home now they're okay bye good scene yeah i know it was like a really so then britney goes home to jack's and he's like sleeping in a blazer or something i don't understand sleeping in a button-down black shirt i'm guessing he just came home from shirt or from work wasted and jerked off and went to bed yeah gross and he basically he was grumpy because she was like i don't even remember how the fights are but next you know he was like tossing and turning and throwing the duvet around

Starting point is 00:35:16 he was having pretty much a full-on duvet fit well she's coming in and she's like i'm gonna go back and jack's is gonna be like what is this Pottery Barn furniture without the woman I'm going to spend the rest of my life with? He's going to be there with roses and he's going to say sorry. She walks in. He's still in bed in his work clothes. She's like, hello. Hello. And he's like, oh, hello.

Starting point is 00:35:41 I'm here. And he goes, I'm glad you're here. I'm sleeping. she's like hello i'm here and he goes i'm glad you're here i'm sleeping that is so rude so then he starts having a fit because he's like i just got my girlfriend cheating and i'm the jerk yeah if this is true it's kind of you know his point is valid but he's like what am i a liar just because i lied so now everything i'm gonna say is a lie just because everything i said before is a lie like how much sense does that make

Starting point is 00:36:10 i know he was he the the funny thing about jacks is he was his whole thing was like oh you i forgot what you were saying it's like you believe her and her and him and him and her and her and her and me and like i'm the liar now it's like yeah actually yes you that's actually what you do every single season it's like he's like so i'm gonna come in and make that shit up yeah you've actually done it every single season you've literally made up stories you've fabricated lies and you hold on to your lies for like months and months and then finally you say yeah i made it up so yes you did lie yes you're the liar. And then Brittany really sticks it to him again. She's like, well, I will sleep on the couch.

Starting point is 00:36:47 I'm like, okay, there's another way to not punish Jax. Make his ass get up and sleep on the couch. This is why Jax is going to marry this hoe. Yeah, exactly. And everyone knows sleeping on Jax's couch is the real punishment because we don't know what sort of microbes are there. I'm so mad at you. I'm getting you some blowing hookers. And we'll see how happy

Starting point is 00:37:05 you are. I am so angry I am going to do all your laundry and cook you a meal. I will be putting a damn payment on a new Dodge Charger for you today, mister. I hope you are happy with yourself.

Starting point is 00:37:22 Actually, yeah. That would be great. This makes me angrier than having to water Lisa's flower wall. So, um, so meanwhile, over at Katie's apartment, Katie's sitting there with Tom, and she's being so insufferable, again,

Starting point is 00:37:38 with her wedding crafting. She's like, I'm gonna take a pillow, and then put an invitation on it, and then wrap it with twine, and then we're gonna put in a little box, and we're gonna put a little bit of, like, you know, make it and then wrap it with twine and then we're gonna put in a little box and we're gonna put a little bit of like you know make it look like a little bird's nest and we're gonna wrap it up and we're gonna put in like a hurricane candle a hurricane lantern and then we're gonna wrap that up in another box and we're gonna put a little bird on it and tom's like oh my god shoot me now burlap flowers on a chalkboard thing with a little balloon and inside there will be a fabric that says will you be my bridesmaid like

Starting point is 00:38:05 what it's like a jenga like how are people supposed to get into this thing it's gonna look like a bomb at an airport just send them a car send an e-bike yeah exactly and by the way you're not handing out nobel prizes okay just relax it's called send an email she's like i know that i know that tom's like a cheapskate and that's like what he's known for but you know i don't want to cut corners i mean chalkboard paint is a very important part of this process i also feel like now this is gonna sound snobby but you can't be like all precious and do these like over-the-top invitations to be a bridesmaid and all this and then have a wednesday wedding no that was so sad they call the venue she's like it's like it's called the

Starting point is 00:38:50 20 mile house and it's like r but it's like gonna be magnanimous it's like what is it me there's the 20 mile does the 20 mile house sound like it's a rehab facility or is that just me it's like a plane that never got off the ground like the 20 mile club it's not high i'm not opposed to a wednesday wedding uh because i understand you gotta like you know it's like these venues are expensive but also i'm also not opposed to like like not punching up for your venue. Wednesday weddings are really inconvenient for a lot of people.

Starting point is 00:39:31 That's a destination wedding. It's like they all have to go out of town and get a place to stay on a Wednesday. That's a point sometimes to weed people out. So if that was the plan, then yes. Okay, fine. I don't know. You don't have to compete with every single, like, you could have it, do something local that's pretty, that's within your budget, girl.

Starting point is 00:39:52 Yeah. It's called the Hilton. This is embarrassing. But, of course, it's Vanderpump Rules. Yeah. Sheena's like, how could you do this in the same decade as my wedding? How could you do this in the same decade as my wedding? How could you do this in the same state as my wedding? James is over at this new place we haven't seen yet doing yoga on the tiny balcony, which was, I mean, hilarious.

Starting point is 00:40:17 Come on. And then there's a knock at the door. So he gets on the hoverboard to go all the way to the door. It sounds like a studio apartment. Yeah, it was like a studio apartment on Doheny. like just up the street from the four seasons i'm like look just because you're on like a swanky street you're still like sleeping on an air mattress behind a screen okay oh there's like asian screen thing room divider screens awkward and he's like this is my zen area all right i'll have a roommate named poa i mean paul paul and then he tells us i met this guy named paul he's a super stoner old guy he likes to play

Starting point is 00:40:54 pool with us and he has a dope penthouse and yeah i'll just sleep on the floor behind the screen he's taking over the whole place it's like his macbook like dvds of old garage band loops i still you know i the image of him going from like the screen door to the front door on a hoverboard is that someone has to make a gif of that so james uh lala shows up yeah lala is there and james is updating us on how successful he's been. Meanwhile, sleeping on the floor behind a screen. LOL. He's like, since last summer, I released Pump Sessions and the song I'm Feeling You.

Starting point is 00:41:38 And I don't want to brag, but I'm winning. Pretty much. I'm winning. And then Lala's like, yeah, what about that video you made? Because that was huge. That was like a music video. And he's like, actually, that's paint and glitter. And then they pour it on me, and then it's reversed.

Starting point is 00:41:55 It's this really amazing new cinematic technique where they can reverse time. And what they did was they made the paint look like it was rising up off of me. Like really artistic and major. You know like it was rising up off of me like really artistic and major you know it was really amazing like i've submitted to sundance music video festival yeah he goes i honestly feel like i could play coachella yeah uh you could play coachella you just wouldn't be actually at the festival you'd just be in the parking lot selling handing out cds um and lala is basically like yeah james is a fucking idiot but like he's nice to me so i'll always love him oh thanks so they talk about the party that they just yelled at everybody out

Starting point is 00:42:41 drunkenly right and then cried to respective people after. They're like, it was their fault somehow. So now they're trying to piece together what happened and Lala goes, yeah, and then there was Katie trying not to be fat. Like, so rude. And Lala's like, oh my god, I'm being vicious

Starting point is 00:43:00 again. I need my mama. I was just at lunch with my mama. Trying not to be vicious like um they also by the way started seeing they just they start we're collaborating again on a second song which made me very happy because i think we all love the first one right oh yeah no well no not well that No, well, no. That one, obviously. I'm feeling you. And this one is like, You can't put this heart on a leash. This heart. It's not on a leash. But it's in a dog park.

Starting point is 00:43:35 So the fence will stop it from running into the street. Well, dog day. He's like, would you like to take a nap? All right, let me move this screen for you. Good performance. Would you like to take a nap all right let me move this screen for you good performance would you like to step into my bedroom all right i'm being australian again um so now it's a world dog day over in that weho park and lisa's putting on a world dog day festival fundraiser and katie's there and she's all excited she's gonna learn so much from lisa

Starting point is 00:44:05 and he's like all right here's a bucket and some raffle tickets go learning so much your job is to follow katie around saying bubby so james is the dj i just wrote james is dj lols yes that Yes It was already hilarious As we all know the road to Coachella Starts at a WeHo park I stopped a dog From being eaten as a taco And then I won a Grammy So Paul McCartney is so impressed with me

Starting point is 00:44:40 If he If he only knew how many dog charities I DJed at while sort of also getting around raffle tickets i think you'd be very happy turns out that david giffin doesn't like dog meat tacos either score winning so um chad the one of the managers at somewhere pump or sir he comes up to lisa he's like well i've got some news about James. Looks like he got into a little bit of an altercation last night and someone put him in a headlock. And Lisa's like, oh, not a headlock. If this is true, I shall fire James.

Starting point is 00:45:17 After five more times, after five more strikes, then I shall fire him. It's the longest game of bowling ever so then unlimited strikes um i have to say chad rar where where did chad come from and when will he be coming back rar chad there's a lot of rar in the in the in the server universe of pump and sir i have to say there's a lot of Rar that we don't even see. There's one, though. He was different. He was, like, big.

Starting point is 00:45:47 He was, like, a big bear kind of guy. I mean, that's all I have to say. I'm still partial to, I believe his name is Anthony, the other bartender that we rarely get to see, but who was dragged into the drama during Gay Pride last year. Oh, young Eddie Cibrian. Yeah. So then I think it was lisa that then who goes and finds james and is like james i heard you in trouble and he's like he's like yeah i was there with my friends and they got they're you know they're jealous of me everyone's jealous of me

Starting point is 00:46:15 right now so like i'm you know because i'm the one who's up on the stage you know it's like yes darling i know everyone's jealous the point is you're precarious. Like, what? Yeah. I actually, I'm sorry, I actually jumped the gun. Before any of this happened, James was once again boasting about his career trajectory, and he goes, listen, I'm young, I'm good looking,

Starting point is 00:46:43 I'm fucking DJing in Los Angeles, I'm fucking killing the game los angeles i'm fucking killing the game and then they cut to him being like we're the owner of the toyota please come to the dj booth i found your keys it's got a mickey mouse key on it toyota i've got your keys academy is a new scripted podcast that follows ava richards played by hbo's industries my holla herald a brilliant scholarship student who has to quickly adapt to her newfound eat-or-be-eaten world. Ava's ambitions take hold and her small-town values break

Starting point is 00:47:11 in hopes of becoming the first scholarship student to make The List, Bishop Gray's all-coveted academic top ten, curated by the headmaster himself. But after realizing she has no chance at The List on her own, she reluctantly accepts an invitation to a secret underground society that pulls the strings on campus life and academic success. If she bends to their will, she'll have everything she's ever dreamed of. But at what cost?

Starting point is 00:47:36 Academy takes you into the world of a cutthroat private school where power, money, and sex collide in a game of life and death. Follow Academy on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Academy early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus. From Wondery, this is Black History For Real. I'm Francesca Ramsey. And I'm Conscious Lee. What do most people think about when they hear the words Black History? Rosa Parks, Reconstruction, MLK, February, Black History Month. Exactly, exactly.

Starting point is 00:48:16 There are so many stories of Black History that we just are not really talking about or thinking about, especially outside of February. And we are about to flip the script on all of that. Because on this show, you're going to hear a little less. In August 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. And a little bit more. She is a heroine to some as a fighter for black rights. She is a villain to others.

Starting point is 00:48:40 Follow Black History for Real on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen everywhere on February 5th, or you can listen early and ad-free on Wondery Plus starting January 29th. Join Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Hello, Toyota. All right. Okay. That was so good.

Starting point is 00:49:02 And it's actually funny because, you know, we actually have a new song from DJ James Kennedy. I don't know if you know this, but he was spinning records at that event, and we actually got a hold of the song he was playing at the event. I'm so excited to hear it. Yeah, it's a great one. So this is the premiere of DJ James Kennedy's new song. It's called I've Got Your Keys. All right? So let's listen.

Starting point is 00:49:29 Kristen, I'm young. I'm good looking. I'm fucking DJing in Los Angeles. I'm fucking killing the game. I've been the owner of the Toyota. Please come to the DJ booth. I found your keys.'ve found your keys, I've found your keys It's got a Mickey Mouse key on it, I've got your keys

Starting point is 00:49:52 Coachella, here I come, DJ James Kennedy Killing the game in Los Angeles, everywhere I go I've got your keys. I've got your keys. Owner of the Toyota. I've got your keys. I've got your keys. I've got your keys. Owner of the Toyota. I've got your keys. Oh, I love the tag. I've got your keys. I've got your keys. That is why he is winning the game.

Starting point is 00:50:34 Okay. Taking over the game. Completely changing the game. It was Monopoly before. Now it's just Soriopoly. It's like putting new labels on old games. Go, James. That was a good song.

Starting point is 00:50:49 Really catchy. I think he is going to go to Coachella. I think, you know, it speaks to universal things. Like, it's not just that he found keys to a Toyota. It's that he's learned things. Like, the keys are a symbol of what he has learned in life. And he's asking people to come and take his knowledge. It's great. He's got keys, but no car to put them in.

Starting point is 00:51:09 It's like a very deep statement if you start thinking about it in different ways. Yeah, owner of the Toyota. I've got keys, but I don't have the Toyota or the owner. And once I find him or her, where will we go? Ghostbusters really spoke to him you know with the key master situation it really was like it got to him on a deep level the male version yeah that's right now

Starting point is 00:51:37 we can say it now we can say it um so this is the part where i was trying to rewind it because i was laughing so fucking hard i tried to rewind it because I was laughing so fucking hard. I tried to rewind it and then I fucked myself over for the next two minutes. I just put skip to snack machine. Of course, it's a Katie scene. Yeah. I don't know what that means. So there was a little bit of hubbub as like the various stars showed up.

Starting point is 00:52:00 So it's like Lance Bass and Kyle Richards and Leona Lewis. And then this is actually where... You might know Leona. I did a dog project with her once. It's like, yeah, okay. I literally made little slums and called them the dog projects. Leona and Lance. And it's like Lance Bass, a person on a television.

Starting point is 00:52:25 Yeah. So this is actually when Lisa confronted James. And that's when he's like, people are coming out to get me, Lisa. Everyone sees I'm doing well and they want to poison it, Lisa. It's not fair, Lisa. Oh, precariousness. I wrote that Tom looks very dramatic here. They had a shot of Tom where he's like

Starting point is 00:52:46 Like seriously Whatever Kristen They had a shot of him and then right behind him Is this little tiny head of a white poodle on a poster This show is hilarious There was also an extended shot Of like a dog licking Tom on the teeth Yes and he was just

Starting point is 00:53:02 Standing there and then Ariana's like This is like a threesome. It was like, she was mining inspiration for her next sketch comedy show. She takes it very seriously. So then there were a lot of things happening. Like Jax and Brittany were like bickering because they have unresolved issues.

Starting point is 00:53:23 And then Stassi and kristin like come to greet lisa who's sitting there with yoice yoice from season four of beverly hills and um they're like hi lisa we just want to say thanks for having us and lisa's just like okay well these bitches are here so i'm gonna make lisa i'm gonna make kristin squirmirm so Lisa's pretty much like so how was it eating out Britney did it taste like Cheetos darling you have a breath that I read oh your vagina you smell like Britney's vagina please don't breathe on me here's an orbit and Kristen's like seriously seriously I'm speechless I have no words she's like i'm mortified it's like oh this is what mortifies you okay we finally found it uh you just fucked james last season on the front of

Starting point is 00:54:12 his mercedes outside your apartment okay this is embarrassing like what so then lisa makes a speech down the dog meat up with gochi's balls and um after the whole event is over everyone like goes back to i think stassi's apartment whatever it's like an f it's like an after party and they're all sitting there and um kristen like pulls jacks out to the balcony i'm just gonna give him a lecture teach him what's what you know seriously seriously and it's again another thing like don't go spreading rumors yada yada yada and what's funny is that like carter was standing there and why didn't carter say like dude i was there you're totally lying which makes me actually think that jack's maybe telling the truth i don't think that

Starting point is 00:54:56 carter i don't know i don't know what carter's i think carter's just collecting whatever's on the craft services table at this point yeah Yeah. Why? Someone dating Kristen. The only question is why? Yeah. Really? For anything. That's whenever. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:55:11 Did you notice that Stassi was stoned as hell this entire episode? I was dying. I just kept writing Stassi's still stoned because they show her walking through the dog festival. And she's like, you know what, guys? Like, there's like dogs and there's festivals. You what i mean like yeah deep stassi like everything that came out of her mouth that's like you are so fucking high right now and it's just good old-fashioned marijuana high it's not meth-y like these other these other crazy yeah it's like classic um so i'm so sorry i'm getting to the uh the kristin thing but just from I can do it only from memory

Starting point is 00:55:46 but she's like Jax like basically like what I'm saying is like winning lying like winning what and he's like whatever okay I said okay Kristen I said okay like I don't know why you're fighting with me and she's like yeah

Starting point is 00:56:02 well like maybe you shouldn't be and he's like that doesn't even make any sense. She's like, yeah, stop hurting the people who love you, Jax. Who loves Jax? Brittany. Brittany. And then Jax is like, fine. I'm going to let go of the fact that you went down on my girlfriend.

Starting point is 00:56:20 I'm just going to let that go. I didn't possibly. I possibly didn't even do that like i'm trying to figure out where i am because i have a ton of stuff on my nose oh oh i think i think we just skipped it's okay we can skip it like honestly how long does a recap need to be i know seriously seriously i do love i do have to say one thing there's like a little puppy pit and they're playing with puppies and stoned ass stassi's like yeah like i love dogs like really she goes yeah i have two and like i want another one but i can't be that chick with three dogs who

Starting point is 00:56:59 lives alone i'm like i think that usually applies to cat ladies not dog ladies I just like that she's drawing a line like she's that chick with two dogs who lives alone and that's okay but three that's just sad it was a shocking episode in that any of these people drew lines for the first time ever like

Starting point is 00:57:21 this is where I'm going to create a boundary in my life this show is hilarious thank you for being such a beautiful show okay thank you show okay um pump vanderpump rules brilliant show you know what time it is kristen o'clock and a clock even a clock is wrong twice a week no it's twice a day Kristen seriously even clocks are wrong sometimes so it's time to talk about

Starting point is 00:57:58 the Real Housewives of Orange County reunion part 2 wow the madness continues that's my opinion um real housewives i'm loving the way that they change it up and they're like okay we're on break and so now we're gonna show backstage at the reunion show you what everybody's doing and tamra's sitting on the couch and she's like yeah i mean i'm ready for this eddie was like you got this bad okay glad glad you took the time out to show us that one brabs yeah i know makes it more real

Starting point is 00:58:33 yeah and then they showed that this one's on a big set i guess hotels have stopped letting them in they're at the backs they're in like the the uh the sound stages of the chilis of manhattan beach yes and andy's like huh welcome back from wet dreams to urine streams from cow pies that have nipples that are too high to cow pies that have low nipples boobs butts pee. Here's a Vicky montage. I was like, okay, Andy Cohen, as always, striving for new highs. So let's see here. He asked Vicky, well, you know, Rhonda from Reno or whoever asked Vicky, didn't you learn your lesson after that last, quote unquote, accidental topless Instagram where you showed your nipple? And she's like, oh, well, you know, like it didn't it didn't bother me, but I'm not going to tell you whether or not my nipples got fixed.

Starting point is 00:59:38 But you did call the FBI. Can we talk about that? Like, how is that skipped over? He's like, FBI, someone put my nipples on the TV. And, you know, I mean, I showed them and stuff. But still, it was on the Insta, FBI. I think, actually, though, the FBI thing, which I'm not sure if we even have discussed that yet on this. Have we discussed it? I don't think we have.

Starting point is 00:59:58 That came out, I think, after the reunion was taped. But in case, if we have talked about it, I apologize. But if anyone missed it, the story is that, remember when Vicky, well, of course you remember when Vicky took her top off because we were just talking about it here in Ireland. And so this picture leaked of her boobs fully out. And everyone can realize from the angle, et cetera, it clearly came from Tamara's phone.

Starting point is 01:00:23 And so everyone's like, okay, Tamara obviously leaked that to the internet internet and then it has come out that the way she leaked it to the internet is that she sent it to like a like a 15 year old girl maybe like one of her kids friends or something like that and told the girl to like put it out on the internet the problem is you can't send photos of boobies to kids that are under 18 so now tamra's in trouble with the fbi for uh sort of like child porn sort of like it's like light child porn oh my god it's kind of brilliant well tamra is known for working behind the scenes with people on social media i mean she will private message a bitch and be like here's what's happening yeah and we know that she does this we've gotten lots of screenshots of her doing this but that she was it's that's how pathetic

Starting point is 01:01:08 tamra is sometimes like she's gonna get vicky she's gonna mock vicky for having her nipples out when vicky was the one who put her nipples out like who cares why is this such a big deal it's like that's the way you're gonna get vicky oh also tamra tamra if you're gonna be trying to pull levers behind the scene i mean what are we we chop liver i mean come on now come on give us a scoop here tamra well she only needs to listen to five minutes and i'm like what a horrible human being but she uh she did get a smart moment in here because vicky's like um well i don't want to talk about whether i've had nipple n. I'm not going to talk about it. Like if they were fixed. It's just that one kept popping up.

Starting point is 01:01:48 And then, you know, I didn't like it. But I'm not going to talk about it. And Tamara goes, so is it better now? And she goes, yes. And Tamara started laughing because she basically just got her to admit that she did have the surgery. Yeah. Listen, I'm sorry. My boobs look like Brainy Smurf after he got kicked out of the house.

Starting point is 01:02:09 Do they still? No. Oh, okay. Did you have the surgery? Not going to talk about it. Okay, stupid. So the next question, does Shannon still lactate? She's like, well, does Shannon still lactate?

Starting point is 01:02:23 Yep. And she's like, ah! If you squeeze hard enough like David does regularly, ah! So happy with squeezing my dick! She's doing her fake we're so happy laugh while everyone else is just like, ugh. Disgusting. We're trying to be on your side here, okay? Yeah, they're like, Shannon, while you're doing your fake laugh, we're trying to be on your side here, okay? Yeah, they're like,

Starting point is 01:02:45 Shannon, while you're doing your fake laugh, we're just going to roll this footage of Grandma Donna. Her face just drops. David, David, they didn't tell me they would be doing this for David. This year, Shannon had a year of new beginnings. It's like the mother-in-law.

Starting point is 01:03:02 You guys are dicks. And then Shannon, it basically takes two years to get over impotility okay once you have had 3600 negative thoughts about your husband you are considered cured and now i'm so happy so happy just milk coming out of every nipple. So I have a question for you. Yeah. Does Auntie have massive amounts of ear hair coming out, or are those double earplugs?

Starting point is 01:03:35 Either way, it doesn't look good for you. Like, you need two earplugs? Just in case you're too stupid to listen from one coming from the right, there's also one on the left. I think it's probably to block out the noise of all those women screeching. Like when you see babies at concerts. Which is a horrific idea in the first place. We've actually had a Ben rant about that already one time.

Starting point is 01:04:02 I remember you like, oh my God, there was a baby at a concert with earplugs what terrible mothering and we had people like moms talking about whether it was good or not on the comments i don't even remember that but it was one of my favorite moments ever i believe it you know this is this is my time of year this is when but thanksgiving coming up next week this is when everyone starts talking about holiday travel and when they talk about holiday travel what do they they do? They trot out that video of me rolling my eyes at a baby on an airplane. I guarantee you're going to see it on CNN this week.

Starting point is 01:04:33 That is so funny, and that's true. That's like a CNN classic. It's me with my white shirt on and people writing comments being like, well, listen, Mr. Richie McRich pants. Why don't you take your own plane?

Starting point is 01:04:46 Just cause I'm wearing a shirt with a collar on it. So this, uh, Shannon thing there, they're talking about how difficult everything is for Shannon and the mother-in-law and this and that. And I put vowel renewal horrors. I don't know why,

Starting point is 01:05:01 but they're like, and then they renewed their vow and Vicki is rolling her eyes. Yeah. And Shannon goes, I can't put into words how emotional that foul renewal was david broke down in tears but they didn't show it like yeah it's a conspiracy to make david look heartless he's like wow i've really doubled down on this now there's no getting out ever again i had my window and instead i decided to renew it what was I thinking and then Andy calls out that he's basically just stoking the Shannon and Vicky fight here and he's like in your blog Shannon said she can't um analogize Vicky's relationship or something

Starting point is 01:05:37 and just watching Vicky trying to figure out what analogize means and she's like yeah but the point is we both apologize because we both had infidelities it's like not the right word yeah she's like but we both had infidelities and shannon's like i did not cheat on david he cheated on me if you cheated on your husband then that's on you and she's like well but the point is when we both had affairs i tried you know i tried the last marriage renewal just to you know you know try to convince people that it was working and then we got in the hotel room and dan said that was good tv and i was like this wasn't for tv it just happened to be that we did this while we were shooting you know so it would all

Starting point is 01:06:12 be free we wouldn't have to pay for the catering or whatever but it's that's just for tv and shannon's like are we still talking about me yeah vicky's like vicky's like ideas for love not for tv and that was good TV. But I loved also how Vicky totally commandeered it and then made Shannon seem crazy for being mad that Vicky commandeered it because it was like, so, Shannon, Valorant rules are the kiss of death. And Shannon's like, well, you know. And then Vicky's like, well, yeah, you know. Well, we did it.

Starting point is 01:06:40 It was a kiss of death for us. And Shannon's like, well, that was a different situation. She's like, I'm not trying to compare mine to yours shannon i'm not i'm just trying to talk about myself it's like no vicky we were talking about shannon stop you can't do the whole like it's not about you shannon it's like actually the question was specifically about shannon i'm not i'm not like trying to compare our viral duels all i'm trying to say is that my husband said it was good tv and your husband didn't say it was good TV, meaning mine was good TV and yours wasn't good TV.

Starting point is 01:07:09 You know, that's pairing. I'm just thinking mine was better. Well, I don't let David watch TV anymore. No TV, no Gmail, no strawberries. Three things that are off limits. Why does every female detective have to be so gorgeous? I'll tell you one thing. No more Angie Harmon for him.

Starting point is 01:07:25 If I had to kick Mark Hellenberger out of our bedroom one more time, finally I just got rid of the TV. I'll tell you, next time Maria Bella shows up on TV, she's not going to be on David's. No siree, ma'am. The only thing I'll let David watch is the two ladies' detective agency.

Starting point is 01:07:44 David? David? Why are you watching Murder, watching murder she wrote do you have a thing for angela lansbury david david dear is the only thing you let me watch he actually has angela lansbury eyes he does he actually has angela lansbury face yes now that angela lansbury is a little more confused about things totally on the same page um so then there was talk about sex tapes no one needs to discuss this ever okay except that megan's like well yeah i think we've made one do you think you don't remember and what did jim even

Starting point is 01:08:21 do in that tape megan it does not count when you send a video of you pricking yourself with a needle to Jimmy. That's not a sex tape. We talked about what sex we wanted our twins to be one time on FaceTime. Does that count? I think that counts. We were sniffing candles, and that was pretty sexy. I think that's a sex tape. Andy says that he has one somewhere.

Starting point is 01:08:43 He's like, yeah, but it's on VHS. It's like 15 years old i mean it's not gonna come out yeah let's give it like three weeks yeah that's fun that's the reason reza sex tape never came out like who wants a sex tape with reza in public maybe they had a sex tape together hmm let's start that rumor oh lord you've just disturbed i I'm sorry. I've stopped. I have nothing more to say. That's okay. While you try to erase that image, I will move forward. So we're talking about Grandma Donna, and Shannon says, you know, the worst thing that I ever did to her was get drunk once.

Starting point is 01:09:16 And, you know, she just never helps out with dishes. And it was the end of the meal, and she said, well, I think I'm going to go home now. And I said, like you always do, get off my property! That's all. And I sent her a very lovely shoebox greeting afterwards. You're as good for as much as your son is! Get out!

Starting point is 01:09:35 That's all I said. I don't know, David? David, was I so wrong? David? I put some eye drops in her soup one time, and she shit for nine weeks. That's the worst thing I ever did I just don't understand this woman all I did was take one of Dr. Moon's little tests up her butt

Starting point is 01:09:52 and she's been mad ever since well so I pulled a gun on her I thought she was a robber it was Christmas I like how Andy framed it when he's like I want to talk about your children's rock show. Do you think your mother-in-law was being premeditated?

Starting point is 01:10:12 And she's like, yes. And they didn't show on camera David sobbing. Everything's off camera and they didn't show my kids saying to she they didn't show Mama Donna going up to each of my kids saying no matter what happens tonight, I love you. What is she, ISIS? She walked up to every person at that party and said, you better volunteer to do dishes. I mean, come on. So the next question was calling Tamara out on being a batch stirrer. It's like, Tamara, you went straight to Shannon to tell her about the mother-in-law.

Starting point is 01:10:54 And that is classic Tamara shit stirring. And she's like, well, we were all at the table batch. And the mom was being a liar. So I didn't think it would be a shocker. Because we were talking about how much of a liar the mother-in-law is. I don't see what I did. As usual. Yes, exactly.

Starting point is 01:11:11 She's innocent, Tamara. Heather trying to stick up for the worst. She's like, well, I think her point was. And Shannon's like, yeah, claw hands, claw hands. And Shannon's like, I wouldn't have it any other way. That's what friends do. Friends stick up for each other, unlike family, which should never stick up for each other or be there for each other. Damn it.

Starting point is 01:11:34 And then they're talking about the affair, right? And somewhere in here, Vicky starts talking about how, like, you know know when you have an affair i'm trying to remember why i understand the question the question was uh vicky do you feel bad when do you feel bad about saying that you feel sorry for david because he's going to be paying forever yes and she's like she and she basically is like you know like she he is gonna be paying forever because as the woman you know the woman's always thinking, like, what didn't I have as a woman that made him leave me? What did I do? Why was I so overbearing that time?

Starting point is 01:12:13 Why am I so annoying? Why do I always have to insist on hospital grade air? Was that what pushed him away? And Shannon is like looking at her. Oh, you know, it's just theoretical thoughts, you know. Yeah. It's not that big of a deal like some ladies have nipples pointing different ways you're like was it my nipples

Starting point is 01:12:28 or was it my horrible personality and my fake illnesses was it because i forced my husband to stick his thumb up my ass for phantom enemas i don't know just thinking out loud and now we have a special look at disney's moana uh well shannon though i have to say shannon's like she got very dispensed she's like well i know i'm not the reason why he had the fair he's the reason it was you well i wasn't happy either i wasn't happy in the marriage it's not like i was having a great marriage but he's the one who chose to have an affair i could have just been there unhappy and sexless that's fine by me shannon you're not making a good argument i mean was i supposed to be happy in a relationship where we would have dinner parties and only get two bottles of wine no no no could i be happy in a relationship where

Starting point is 01:13:20 my mashed potatoes don't cook right i have to put put them in the microwave? No. No. No. No. When Andy was saying, so what about the lady that he had an affair with? You still know her, right? Because there is that big story last year where this lady has seats and, you know, premium seats or whatever at the football stadium in front of Shannon. And Shannon went off on her. She passed by her. And Shannon tells the story because I don't think they were shooting at this time were they no i don't know if we've told this before or not but she was she was talking about how she saw the woman at the

Starting point is 01:13:54 football field and she turned to the megatron and was like that's her i mean i just happened to bump into her and i looked up and i saw her face and I was like, would you please mind leaving the stadium? And she said, fuck you, Shannon. And I got out my megaphone and said, here's the slot. That's all. And then I told Mama Donna very politely, please leave my fucking house. I don't know why she's so mad at me. And he said, do you still have to see her? And she's like,

Starting point is 01:14:26 well, she had the nerve to keep her football match tickets. Like, uh... I just thought I had to be happy for a moment. Every time I see her, I just see the back of her head and say, Ah!

Starting point is 01:14:42 Ah! Ha! Here lies all my negative feelings dad because david made me happy again because we're so happy one thing one great thing about you not changing your slutty football ticket seats is that David is still behind you. It's over. Hey, I don't know if we're in a football seat. Maybe you'd like to have some peanuts. I bet you'd like that because you're such an elephant. You got shattened. My friend Brian let Beeler in right now. like that because you're such an elephant. Ah!

Starting point is 01:15:25 You got shattened. My friend Brian let Bueller in right now. He had Bueller. He's taking a prayer walk. And Bueller just came up and kissed me like with a worried his ears are back. He's all worried. I love that every time that poor guy comes over, it's like,

Starting point is 01:15:40 I'll tell you who's not worried me miss shannon madora happy marriage happy no negative thoughts whatsoever oh god so what if what was he what was andy saying he said heather i wrote heather said shah had family dinners and then heather says i did not what was that about uh it wasn't about heather it was about did david bring his mistress to dinner with his mom and then vicky's like yeah you know i said it's just a rumor i didn't say i believed it it's just a rumor that i heard yeah she's like i was the one who said it but i can't say I believed it. It's just a rumor that I heard. Yeah, she's like, I was the one who said it. But I can't help what I hear. And Shannon's like, well, I don't repeat rumors. Not at all.

Starting point is 01:16:29 Not even the rumor I heard that David's mistress is a giant whore. Ha! Ha! And then Shannon literally went into her. We're so happy. Talking about it. And he's like, so you guys are good? She's like, great.

Starting point is 01:16:50 So everything's okay? Wonderful. So you're still together? Are you kidding me? Together. She goes, I feel really comfortable in our marriage. Good. Like it's a sweater.

Starting point is 01:17:05 Okay. So Andy, then they go into the different phrases. Are you kidding me montage? Which is pretty funny, actually. Are you kidding me? And some of them didn't really happen. I mean, Kelly does keep saying, of course. I like that Tamara's was God slash Jesus.

Starting point is 01:17:21 Yeah. I thought that some of them. Yeah. God slash Jesus. I thought some of them were a little bit of a stretch like they were just like normal phrases that people say like i don't think it's a crazy thing for heather to say by the way like that's something that by the way that's something that people say they say it so much that people say btw yeah which is longer it's like more syllables like just say by the way bt dubs you can say bt dubs and megan's

Starting point is 01:17:45 was sperm and then when it came back from the montage she goes that's actually not accurate i was talking about my hair i was saying perm um i want to have curls they had to make up something for poor megan because she didn't have i know they did after two years and they're what about candles they were too bored to even look through a lot of footage they're just like um here's like 10 minutes of something let's just she okay she said this word four times let's just put this at the end of the package so uh andy's like well while heather dubrow attempted to finish her mall house she took jewish guilt to a new level yeah and then it was like the same heather montage that she's had for the past three years. Terry, why aren't you working more?

Starting point is 01:18:29 No onion rings. And then when they come out of it, it was like, so Heather, like, so how expensive is your house anyway? She's like, you know what? It's not relevant. The numbers are the money's not relevant. I was like, oh, Heather, you sound really bad right now. I know. She is. It, you sound really bad right now. I know. She goes, it's appropriate for the community.

Starting point is 01:18:47 Okay. So was it like an Olive Garden? I don't know. It's Orange County. He goes, so Kelly, how much do you think it costs? Just trying to start a fight over the dumbest things. And Kelly goes, I mean, $20 million plus. And then Heather just sees her with her gerbil face.

Starting point is 01:19:04 She's like, how dare you? How dare you be so accurate? And then I liked when he said, Bertha from Bristow County wants to know, you're always giving Terry shit about not being there for the kids. But what about you? You're on Evine all the time. And she's like,

Starting point is 01:19:22 listen, here's how I am as a mother maybe i'm not always there but when i'm there i'm there okay oh that solves everything way to be so committed to your half-assed motherhood i tell them to stare at that picture of the tree for long enough to remember what i was really like as a mother and then i come home and they're like there you're back um i also i may leave but the pizza oven doesn't travel okay um i uh i also really enjoyed the contrast in how heather they're like well so heather why when we can see your house she's like listen it's just not done enough it's just not done enough to be done which makes sense and i was like this is a really funny contrast to kenya who's like all right well there's a light bulb

Starting point is 01:20:09 installed so let's have a housewarming party yeah well kenya is trying to prove to sheree that she has a house so she's making them shoot it on the first episode just to say she beat sheree yeah and heather is refusing to show her house until they get another season and she can actually have it shot on camera. She's not going to just walk into her new home without a whole thing that's been paid for by us. Taxpayers. Just kidding.

Starting point is 01:20:36 I mean, by Bravo. That's what I mean. So then Brianna comes out, the voice of reason. Every year, the reunion has like five minutes of calm because Brianna comes out and the voice of reason. Every year, the reunion has five minutes of calm because Brianna comes out and speaks like a normal person. I don't even know what to do with her.

Starting point is 01:20:51 She comes out and then we get another segment for Vicky and this time it's like, hey, Vicky is single and loving it slash hating it. We learn that Brianna and Vicky love the new boyfriend, Steve. Everyone loves Steve the cop. Basically because he doesn't watch the show.

Starting point is 01:21:07 So he has no idea what he's in store for. And then, oh, and then, oh, this is what I loved. So there was some talk about like, you know, when Vicky got those flowers in Ireland, Heather made a joke in her blog, which is what everyone was thinking, that Vicky sent the flowers to herself. And Vicky was like, you diminished the joy and the love of the moment i was like calm down you diminished it yourself when you said like oh oh well you know like she was totally flippant about the entire thing anyway so shush vicky yeah how about you diminished it when you tried to sit on the face

Starting point is 01:21:38 of every bus boy in every pub in ireland yeah how about that um we learned that brianna has lupus which is you know unfortunate but so so like be strong brianna um and then there was also uh talk about um the house and brianna basically was like yeah my mom helped me out but i've been like working really hard to pay it off yada yada yada um so shannon pretty much had to eat crow because shannon was the one who was like well i think it was a condition for her to come back from oklahoma that's what i think well she also did that thing that wins every argument where you say um i'm a nurse and my husband is a marine it's like oh shit girl a nurse and and you fighting for the country like no one's gonna win yeah it's she's pretty invincible she's like now add lupus and

Starting point is 01:22:27 try to fight with me yeah anybody okay i'll be backstage bye um and then of course this has probably made you super happy probably when they started talking about the cancer website vicky hilarious so now vicky has announced that she has cut all ties with kill all cancer so that now goes now it's no longer cack it's cat cack cut all ties with a kill all cancer cat cack you know i like a winning battle and this i just couldn't win so it's cack can't kill all cancer and and they're trying to come down and vicky and she's like you know what hindsight shouldn't have done it i'm like that'll just be your tagline next season like she'll just come up on with holding the orange being like hindsight shouldn't have done it just gonna get that out of the way

Starting point is 01:23:15 the top of the season the point of whether or whether whether or not brooks had cancer is the point yes it is you're starting a fucking cancer charity okay and yes of course it made me happy because you know i i love it you told or i told you so but not only was this just some tax fucking shelter for vicky it was such an obvious scam to sign up for insurance and megan was like i googled it like it It was totally just to sign up for insurance. And she goes, well, you got to get information from people. Because if you don't get their information, how do they sign up for CAC? I mean, how are you going to kill all cancer?

Starting point is 01:23:54 This was for health insurance. It was for cul-de-sac insurance. It was for going to the mall. What if you left your keys in a jelly bean store and someone stole them insurance? She starts naming all this insurance. megan's like that's my point you're trying to sell like auto insurance with a cancer website you hack and she's like well that's not the point you know brooks isn't the boy the point is i don't do things with them anymore i don't even know why i just didn't i don't want to do any more commercials holding a purse

Starting point is 01:24:20 i think that vicky has finally learned her lesson. Just stop talking about cancer. Typical Vicky uses the cancer thing to get people to sign up with Coto Insurance. I mean, Vicky. Well, you know, I don't have President Palmer, so I got to do the best with what I can have. Vicky care. I have Jack Bauer You know you can't go saving the world If you don't have insurance

Starting point is 01:24:50 So I just want everyone to know that Cotoracasa Insurance backs Jack Bauer Okay everybody I started a site for 24 If you want 24 to come back Come order insurance Those things do not have anything to do.

Starting point is 01:25:08 I would totally do that. You want to protest Trump? Sign up for health insurance with Vicky Care. Okay? I would totally sign up for Vicky's insurance if it meant 24 would be coming back. And actually, as luck would have it, 24 is coming back next year, so great. Yeah, but it's like a young Jack Bauer. That's fine. That's fine. I'm okay with young

Starting point is 01:25:23 Jack Bauer. Young black Jack Bauer. Jack Bauer has moved on to being the president now anyway. On the other show. Oh, wow. My insurance policies are getting to new heights. It's like plausible geniability with Kiefer Sutherland. What's the show called? Like Lone Survivor or something like that.

Starting point is 01:25:42 Or Plausible Survivor or Survivor of the survivor of the kefirist kefir sutherland still surviving still standing i am so excited off topic i'm so excited for the new 25 i am like people may not know this about me because you know you hear me talk about Real Housewives all the time or comedies or like, I never really talk about dramas that I'm into. I love 24. I've seen every single episode. I am a devotee and I'm really always happy when they bring it back. Kiefer's still alive-er-land. I would love to see actually 24 as done by the housewives. We'll put that in the mailbag. Previously on Real Housewives of Orange County. I think we have a mole.

Starting point is 01:26:43 It's like Tamara, like look, Tamara sitting at a computer screen looking around everywhere. Like I'm have a mole. It's like Tamara, like look, Tamara's sitting at a computer screen looking around everywhere. Like I'm not a mole. I don't tell anyone anything. They're all the mole. Shannon is totally fighting to be the mole. Shannon is totally like the office bureaucrat who runs everything saying, listen here, I've had enough of these tactics, Jack Bauer. You come back here and you sit at your desk and I'm going to get this information out of him the legal way because we don't torture around here.

Starting point is 01:27:08 For the first six episodes, we always think it's like a Middle Eastern terrorist, but then we find out at the end it's always white people at Radar Online who are causing all the problems. Oh, and Kelly Dodd. I don't know what role she'll play, but it'll be fabulous.

Starting point is 01:27:22 They'll be like, we found out you're the mole. You're a mole why don't you shame your mole most disgusting nobody can even look at your mole kelly dot is like that random innocent civilian who gets drawn into it like she has like a kid and she's like wrong time wrong place and like jack bauer has to save her and then he's like stuck with her the whole season like kelly you have to trust me. I don't have to trust you. I don't have time to tell you what's going on. Yes, you do.

Starting point is 01:27:47 Tell me right now. I don't have time to tell you right now. You just have to trust me. Do you trust me? No. Kelly is basically the leopard storyline from season two. And she's also the nuclear bomb. That went off in Valencia or whatever.

Starting point is 01:28:04 Well, they remember that. they're like a nuclear bomb was detonated in los angeles don't worry not hollywood it was like the valley like everyone's still alive um no but there was actually a nuclear bomb that went off before right in season two because when kim was tied up and the mountain lion was threatening her like an episode before george mason flew a bomb out into the desert. So I sort of see I see Kelly as being the person that they push off a plane. And when she lands, she causes a massive nuclear explosion and then turns into a cat and terrorizes a young woman. She's just terrorizing the daughter in the desert. She's like, you're ugly.

Starting point is 01:28:42 Yeah. Save save Kim. the daughter in the desert. She's like, you're ugly. Shave. Shave, Kim. So, speaking of Kelly, Vicky and Kelly in the break agree not to turn on each other, which is good for them. Well, not really agreed.

Starting point is 01:28:55 Vicky whispers. Vicky will never learn that her mic is always on, okay? It's a break, and they're all rearranging, and she goes, don't you dare turn on me. I did not turn on you. You do not turn on me. She's like, what? God, what did I do? She's like, just don't you dare turn on me i did not turn on you you do not turn on me she's like what god what i do just don't do it fine fine and then they have they're having this weird big cancer fight and then andy's like okay great to see you brianna she did nothing she's like okay bye yeah so then we have the kelly

Starting point is 01:29:27 like unhinged montage and then andy after right after the montage andy does that concerned voice he turns to kelly it's like is that hard for you to watch and she's like no he's like shouldn't have been no why because why? He goes, don't you have, like, don't you feel shame when you see yourself acting like that? She goes, ha, no shame in my game. I mean, at the time, maybe, but not now. You know, I mean, she's, I mean, Kelly is crazy. I actually, believe it or not, I know what she's saying. I almost respect her for being like that, to be like, these women are fucking bitches to me.

Starting point is 01:30:03 Even though I'm a disaster, they're still bitches to me. And and i felt bad before but now i don't feel bad yeah so yeah they deserve to be called the c word or whatever which they kind of did i mean it's not like she just came out of nowhere i mean she's totally classless and i mean she's embarrassing to to all humankind and yet what she says makes sense she also shuts them right up she does i mean she has been the only one to shut everyone they try and come up with this stuff that they've all planned together and they keep unleashing it on her and she's like literally not caring this part was so good because he goes well kelly you said your husband is a drunk but what about you don't you have a drinking problem and she goes look i don't have an alcoholic problem

Starting point is 01:30:45 okay but i did go to the aa classes and then like i learned that i don't have alcoholic problems and he goes well then why were you in alcohol why were you in aa class which it's not a class yes well no actual this but yeah go on i mean it's a meeting i get it it's just you do have to take classes too when you get a dui or whatever Well, no actual, but, you know, go on. It's a meeting. I get it. It's just her language is hilarious. You do have to take classes, too, when you get a DUI or whatever. Oh, well, aren't those, oh, they're alcohol classes? Yeah, they're classes and you have to go to AA. Oh, okay.

Starting point is 01:31:15 So then, my bad. But she's like, well, look, I went to classes. And he goes, then why did you have to go to AA if you're not an alcoholic? She goes, because it was a court order, okay? And he goes then why did you have to go to a.a if you're not an alcoholic she goes because it was a court order okay and he goes why who ordered why would they order that if you're not an alcoholic and she goes because one time on fourth of july i hit my husband because he was gonna get in a fight with someone and then i told him no and then i hit him so he wouldn't hit the other person and you know when someone gets hit someone has to go to jail so you know i was like i was like there are chunks of the story that are

Starting point is 01:31:54 missing it doesn't work that way and why was your husband why was your husband about to get into a bunch of fight with people on july 4th okay and why were you hitting your husband and hitting him so hard that you had to go to jail i just you've clearly skipped over some very important details and i can't believe well maybe she does in part three but the fact that shannon didn't jump all over that because they're bringing up that there was a domestic violence call against david which there was i mean it's on record this is exactly what that was she hit her husband it was a domestic violence call and you cannot drop domestic violence charges they don't let you yeah so it's kind of the same thing and it's very funny to watch her tap dance around it like an elephant and nobody to call her on it yeah but you know

Starting point is 01:32:41 cheers to you bitch yeah i yeah i don't know kelly's reasoning was was so wonderfully bizarre that i couldn't help but love it she's like yeah i mean i went to a classes and like i know i'm not an alcoholic because guess what they told me where every diner and hotel was between here and san Francisco. Like, no, that's AAA. I mean, they towed my car. Okay. I've been there. They gave me a new battery.

Starting point is 01:33:11 They don't give those to alcoholics. So this kept just growing in beauty. I mean, this was just a beautiful scene. She starts yelling at Heatherather's like well it puts in her fucking gerbil eye point of view into it and kelly goes hey heather didn't you say that if i'm not fired you'll refuse to shoot and then it shows heather at the sushi restaurant freaking out and getting up and going backstage or the kitchen wherever she was going off camera and being like this is it are you fucking kidding me this is disgusting i will not be a part of this with her c words and her base behavior it was amazing and to be fair heather did not threaten to have kelly fired kelly heather

Starting point is 01:34:00 was basically like fire me like i don't care i'm, I'm not doing this. You have to fire me, you know? Yeah, I dare you to fire me. So she's yelling at everybody in the back. And then they cut back and Heather is semi-mortified. And Kelly goes, what are you, the boss? And Heather goes, look, all I'm saying is I saw your behavior and I was horrified. And she's like, whoa, oh, really? Because you're the boss?

Starting point is 01:34:23 Are you the boss? Heather, are you the boss it was right now heather heather heather literally could not say a single word without kelly turning it into some sort of like debate point because heather was like listen we were eating oh eating in a restaurant in a restaurant because at night at night so then kevin heather tried to make it this big please she's like well we were in a japanese restaurant with paper thin walls and last time i was at this restaurant it was the last time i saw my brother-in-law alive and that to be in that situation with someone screaming the c word i had a visceral reaction i took off my mic

Starting point is 01:35:07 i was like listen terrible what happened what happened to your brother-in-law but don't drag him into this don't drag the memory of this poor man into this it's terrible that that he is past but like and all and she kept on like trying to change it because it was like well my brother-in-law this is the last place I ever saw him. And the walls were so thin. How could you make a mallhouse with such thin walls? Did he die because you told him to? Because you're the boss.

Starting point is 01:35:34 Did you tell him to die? What happened? And then, and then, and the best thing is, the best part is that when Heather does this thing, when she explains, because, I mean, I understand, believe it or not, I understood what Heather was really trying to say, which was, like, she was just mortified. The whole thing's mortifying. And she has this, like, monologue. And Kelly's looking at her. And she's nodding. And Kelly's, like, really taking it in.

Starting point is 01:35:59 And then Heather, like, finishes. And then Kelly's like, well, you cuss. You're the one who cusses. I was like, oh, she didn't take any of that in, did she? Yeah, you have a problem with me, but you don't have a problem being around Tamara and Shannon, who cuss all the time. And she's like, don't you understand having a daughter? She's like, you have a daughter. And cussing.

Starting point is 01:36:23 And I like when she she goes you think you're better than me and heather goes i'm not better than you we are this show is better than you it's like you know you're on real housewives right you can't cuss around rice paper walls villagers made that so andy but you can't stand your behavior at sushi oh my god this was this whole thing was just so stupid they were trying to bust kelly and like even even when they actually did have some really good points they just could not bust her because she just like refused to like understand logic yeah andy's like well what about your kid are you gonna be proud to show your kid how you were acting in all these scenes and she goes yes my kid is proud she's proud of her hispanic

Starting point is 01:37:11 mother like you are nuts yeah she's officially officially nuts so what does megan think of kelly so she tries to uh who cares this megan so heather but kelly's pattern blah blah blah well so what so at one point they're like you know they're like do you but you stand but kelly do you stand behind using the c which is a gas and then she's like yeah because of what happened in ireland and heather's like a 30 minute bus ride does not change for months of hideous behavior and then kelly just goes you're hideous oh my, my God. Her comebacks are so, like, childish. And on different shows, I'd be like, ugh, they're so childish. But here, I'm just like, she's such a hilarious, like, foil to these women.

Starting point is 01:37:58 It's just, they can't get through to her. And she did say, well, the only one i really do apologize to is tamron because i said that thing you know like that she's a bad daughter and handy goes yeah i mean you were you said something about her daughter and she goes no i didn't i didn't say anything about her daughter and then they show her saying what she said and stalking off and then they cut back and she's like i didn't say anything about her daughter okay i? I said that she was a bad mother, and no wonder her daughter doesn't talk to her. It's not saying something bad about the daughter. And Andy's like, oh, okay, noted.

Starting point is 01:38:31 Yeah. I actually understand her point, is that it sounds like she's talking about the daughter, but it's more of a commentary on Tamara than it is on the daughter. But either way, you probably should not have brought it up. So, yeah, but by the way,

Starting point is 01:38:44 so when Megan was trying to weigh in, that's about her thoughts with Kelly. And then Heather interrupted and was like, your pattern is to always be apologizing. And then Kelly's like, and your pattern is to interrupt. That was so good. And Heather's like, well, i said something about your mothering skills and i was drinking and that doesn't exonerate me but i am sorry and that's the difference between you and me it's i learned from my mistakes you are a great mom like heather's yelling like she's telling her off and then kelly's just like you know how she does that thing where she sticks up her upper row of teeth and then like puts her

Starting point is 01:39:29 lip under it and just looks at her like yeah uh-huh yeah so then uh by the way unsung hero of the episode was lauren from hollywood who wrote in and said so tamra you called alexis a bad mom you called lizzie a bad mom and you called slade a deadbeat dad so what's the deal and so tamra always has this false accountability which is actually not that different from kelly's um but she was like yeah yeah i said that it doesn't make it right but i said it i'm just saying at this point in my life for her to say that it just it hurts so much oh you know you got caught You know, it's like Emma, you got caught. You've been caught. You're a hypocrite.

Starting point is 01:40:07 You're a hypocrite. It doesn't make what Kelly said is right, but it just means, you know, you came on hard as if like Kelly said something that was so like off limits that no one has crossed that line before. And how dare Kelly, unless now all ostracize her for crossing that line when the truth is you've done it three times over yes and um she was also saying that about slade when his kid was in the hospital with cancer i mean tamra's like the lowest and exactly and we talked and we talked about it on previous episodes but like she's been nailing vicky to the cross about spreading gossip about Eddie when Tamara is the one who fully went out of her way for seasons on end to destroy Gretchen and say how she was cheating on Jeff while he was dying and yada, yada, yada. So, I mean, Tamara, this is what you're good for. This is your role on the show is to be like this. So I get it.

Starting point is 01:41:03 So I'm actually not mad at you. But at the same time, you got to like ease up on the sanctimonious stuff. Yeah, because Tamara's even losing on the villainy stuff. I mean, Kelly fights dirty just like Tamara. Kelly has no problem just yelling nonsensical shit, just like Tamara. And she's putting Tamara in her place. I mean, Tamara has a look of pure possum worry like when they can't get the trash lid open on the dumpster like they look scared she looks like

Starting point is 01:41:30 that she's like furious she wants to get to those diet coke cans but she cannot get in she's about to explode and i am loving watching her self-destruct well um so then so then they're talking about ireland and they're talking about Ireland, and they're talking about what happened after Kelly said those things. And then Kelly's like, she pushed me hard. And Tim was like, you didn't move. And they had this gigantic fight with all of them. It was a push. It was a minor push.

Starting point is 01:41:54 It was like, you're buying an escalator. You're propped up. It didn't really even hurt. It was just like a fingernail. It was just a touch. Like a mannequin fell over. It was behind a bus. It didn't count bats.

Starting point is 01:42:03 And Andy was just like, stop, stop, stop, stop. Kelly's like, yeah, you're hairy. And he's like, Kelly, stop. It's like, you're dumb. You're like redinky. You're retarded. Kelly, just please stop. Yes.

Starting point is 01:42:19 Just stop. You're fat. Okay, Kelly, be quiet. Yeah. I love when Andy's like's like stop stop stop because i both get his annoyance and his frustration and then i get angry at him because he's the one who is sitting there smiling when they're fighting until he decides he's like done for the day and then he's like shut up yeah he's like so you're drunk whores who abuse your children and deserve

Starting point is 01:42:40 to get cheated on why is everybody so mad yeah so you guys have been in a really great place at the end of the season so let's remind everyone why you guys hated each other for four years okay great oh you're fighting again sorry about that stop stop fighting okay enough um so now the funny thing is after all this pushing whatever and this whole argument that were crazy bickering then all of a sudden kelly becomes really conciliatory to tamra and um and then she was like you know tamra she's the only one who apologized to me. And I really appreciate that. Like, what? What's happening?

Starting point is 01:43:14 And Andy asks a question. So, Kelly, you called Vicky the Buddha of the OC. Is that, do you still feel that way? And Shannon goes, well, she's buddha in my part of oc and vicky's like good i'm glad i don't want to be in your part of orange county you know i'm like the regular buddha who only talks to people who want to be around him i'm not like you know like some gross buddha who's gonna be in a gross neighborhood buddha is like the epitome of non-judgment.

Starting point is 01:43:46 Fuck you, Buddha. Hey, if you were Buddha, I'd say you're dumb. I'm like the cat in the Chinese restaurant that has the little hand that just waves. Always, always. Just waving. Just being nice. I just want to be nice. I just want to have friends.

Starting point is 01:44:00 The question is, Kelly, another new question. Andy's like, so Kelly, you've been caught fat shaming some rando on instagram who does that she's like well i mean it's like i didn't even know her but she was being mean and it wasn't fat shaming and shannon's like oh yeah what about when you fat shamed me she's like you're the one who should be ashamed for being fat why is it me wasn't my fault how could you yeah and and and And Shannon's like, yeah, you sent a photo of me saying eat up. I'm like, no, it's keep eating. Keep eating! Keep eating! You told me

Starting point is 01:44:31 you sent a photo to Tim and said keep eating! And Kelly's like, yeah, well, because I don't really like you, that's why. I wasn't fat shaming you. I was just hating you. And if you didn't like that picture, then why did you keep eating?

Starting point is 01:44:48 It's just some advice. Gosh. Gosh. Gosh. Oh, gosh. I was like, Shannon, what was your intent with that picture?

Starting point is 01:44:58 I don't like you. Oh, well, all right. I mean, like, what can you say to that? And next week,

Starting point is 01:45:07 I just wrote next week, Tamara, shut up, all right. I mean, like, what can you say to that? And next week, I just wrote next week, Tamara. Shut up, old lady. Like, LOL. Yeah, next week will be good. Next week, I think they're going to probably get really into Ireland. And then the stuff about David beating Shannon. It's going to be. It's amazing. Love you, Orange County.

Starting point is 01:45:23 Love you, Orange County. Well, guess what? This episode is not ending anytime soon because we now have Real Housewives of Atlanta to discuss. Oh, my Lord. So, Atlanta, we're not doing a full recap this week because, I mean, come on. All your heads are going to explode. Yes. And we've been recapping for three and a half hours.

Starting point is 01:45:44 And, I mean, we're been recapping for three and a half hours And we were going to recap, for sure But it's also, as we always say with this show This show is just more of a comedy show There's not too much real drama that happens So it's sort of like making jokes on the joke But that being said, there's a lot of funny stuff worth noting Oh my god, well we open the episode with Sheree still at Moor Manor Seeing Portia and Phaedra enter, going...

Starting point is 01:46:08 It was like someone was fingering an owl. It was like a bobblehead in slow motion. It was like a time-lapse video of a bobblehead. It was just like She tells Portia, she's like Because Sharae, when Sharae's excited she goes into her She's like, I didn't know you were coming You got a little trick? You got a little trick card? You got a little trick?

Starting point is 01:46:44 Isn't it beautiful or Cynthia's like isn't the house beautiful and Portia just looks around like mm-hmm um yes well very nice and Portia goes I don't know I couldn't see because there was dust in my eyes

Starting point is 01:46:59 but it has walls and floors and there's people walking around. So Kenya tries to basically cause a confrontation with Portia. And she's basically like, so it's my house. Okay, I'll leave. Kenya's like, oh, fuck. That was basically the conversation. Portia was not going to even let her have it.

Starting point is 01:47:31 She's like, hey, Matt, my scene kind of blew up in my face. Can you just come over here so I have a second storyline here? Thanks, bye. Yeah, please come over and kick down one of these doors. Just please come over as soon as you can. Which would make sense because Phaedra, as they're walking up the driveway, Phaedra's like, this is a great place to have a horror movie. Phaedra as they're walking up the driveway. Phaedra's like, this is a great place to have a horror movie. I like that Portia was like,

Starting point is 01:47:49 she must have been a bouncer. No, I think Phaedra said this. Two P names, sorry. But I think Phaedra was like, well, she must have been a bouncer in another life because at a Kenya more event, someone's always being thrown out. Yes. And then there's your montage of all the times kenny

Starting point is 01:48:06 has kicked people out over the past few seasons and it was like a lot it was more than heather being saying and by the way um but my actually my favorite line around here is because when porsche and phaedra were leaving charre slipped out also and it was like where's charre and kenny's like i don't know if it's curfew time at the shelter she's been staying at or i was like wow you know she's had a lot of those lines about living in boxes whatever that one was by far the one that made me laugh out loud the most and sure he goes outside and poor portia and phedra are trying to make it up that driveway in those stiletto heels like oh oh trying to make it up there and in those stiletto heels. Trying to make it up there. And they finally get to the top of the hill

Starting point is 01:48:47 and they're feeling so awkward. And Sheree comes outside and she's like, Freaking frat! You got a funicular? You got a funicular? That's when Phaedra's like, No way, honey. I'm going to run like it's friday the 13th

Starting point is 01:49:05 so um so matt comes over like quote unquote unexpected and he's like i miss you and they like matt and kenya have like a tender moment and they're gonna try again and she's like i was scared matt you knocked down a door and he's like i know babe um she's like, I was scared, Matt. You knocked down a door. And he's like, I know, babe. She's like, I already put this on Instagram, Matt. I'm not sure how we're supposed to go from here. Everyone already knows. And he's like, sorry, I did wrong. But that's what happened. You say some things.

Starting point is 01:49:36 You don't even know you being loud or angry. And then you lose your queen. I was like, you kicked down the door and you broke her sunglasses. I have Instagram, sir. then you lose your queen i was like you kicked down the door and you broke her sunglasses i have instagram sir so meanwhile um in a far more depressing corner of atlanta a few days later cynthia's in her kitchen looking sad she's like making like toast or something and uh her beautiful daughter noelle is there and and we learned that um peter's been in town all week and yet he hasn't called cynthia's lawyer yet i was like this is shocking i cannot believe that peter could be lazy and irresponsible no kidding i feel like noelle was talking to all of us as we sat watching the cynthia scene

Starting point is 01:50:17 where she just looks at everybody and says do you have low self-esteem because i felt like that as i was watching this i'm like have i not learned to fast forward through these fucking scenes i just like that this was somehow like a shocking revelation to cynthia like you realize that you're a supermodel and you married peter okay have you never thought about your self-esteem once never cynthia actually goes i think my mistake was letting this marriage go on for too long it's like you've been married like two weeks i know your mistake was leaving your first husband leon get back together with him immediately beautiful people need to stick together yes and then that she's crying

Starting point is 01:50:55 and hugging noel and then they they do a close-up on a framed cover of sheen with uh with cynthia and peter lol i know so then over at the Candy Factory, it was our first time at the Candy Factory this season. And well, you know, Candy, she never found an opportunity that she couldn't turn into a business enterprise. And I don't say that cynically because she usually does a really good job

Starting point is 01:51:17 when she does that. So now she's basically turning Ace into something and she's creating a product line for Ace called Raising Ace, which normally I would be like, I feel like it'll go well, something and she's uh creating a product line for ace called raising ace which you know normally i would be like i feel like it'll go well but i also feel like todd ruins all of her business plans and he's like showing off logos and i'm thinking this is not going to go well the reason why i say that is because then the powerpoint presentation moves on to the old lady gang

Starting point is 01:51:40 restaurant which is still in the works or as it's known as olg that's what i want to go a restaurant called old old delicious yeah um okay two things of course according to baby clothes todd has already bought them all he's like he's their first model second of all candy's website must just it's gonna get her arrested okay you can't sell baby clothes and dildos yeah like i hope you've got this separated i think that's a very good point and furthermore i still would like to see a mother's love so please resurrect that thank you i'm not even mama mama joyce comes in here and just goes about ripping everybody that Candy wants her to rip, which is beautiful. She says that Phaedra should be in jail in a cell next to Apollo. And her reasoning – now, I wrote this down as a quote because it didn't totally make sense to me.

Starting point is 01:52:39 Maybe you can make sense of it. And I'm not even sure if I quoted it correctly. you can make sense of it and i'm not even sure if i quoted it correctly but mama joy says you see her leaving every day with a briefcase but you don't know where you can call him at his office hello that's exactly what i wrote mine is a little longer she goes people don't know the debts phadra will go she could she she should be in a cell with apollo every day she carries a briefcase but you don't know where you can call him in his office she starts she just like takes a pause and then she goes hello i think i actually just figured it out while while you're saying it because it was just sort of out of context she basically was saying like here she is she's a professional woman she's

Starting point is 01:53:23 a lawyer she's's smart and everything. And then she's playing dumb. Like, oh, I don't know where Apollo – I don't know Apollo's office number. Like, you can't – it's like what Bethany would say. You can't be smart and stupid at the same time. Be smart. You can't be stupid at the same time. Like, it's like one or the other.

Starting point is 01:53:35 Like, literally, I can't. Like, literally, like Apollo, like, what are you? Like, are you like a god? Are you like in a chariot? Like, literally, like, what's up with the chariot? Like, it's showtime. It's showtime now and you're in jail. Like, there's a show in jail.

Starting point is 01:53:42 Like, literally, I can't. Like, my wall's up. Wall's up. What are you, a late-night conversationist? What are you, a showtime it's showtime now and you're in jail like there's a show in jail like literally i can't like my walls up what are you a late night conversationist what are you a late night talent show like seriously what are you am i supposed to take you seriously like i'm not rubbing your hump like seriously um like why is there a hook around me like literally why the time i'm at the stage like well like i don't get this hook like i i'm not hooking and like i feel like a hooker like i'm like a prostitute like literally like put me in jail with the power like i'm a prostitute like i'm a whore like literally my walls upitute I was taking this as Mama Joyce

Starting point is 01:54:09 saying she's acting like a lawyer but you don't know where to call her at the office meaning she's just faking it like being a lawyer but then I thought well didn't you just film a scene in her office last season we saw it so I'm not really sure I think there's also a third meaning to it which

Starting point is 01:54:25 is that mama joyce just makes no sense yes and i love that they put her in like a ball gown and have her doing testimonials this year so good what was that crazy thing she said to todd across the dinner table once i remember she like what was it when she was really angry at todd she like looked him in the eye and was like i'm telling you but she said something that was so good never mind she is so full of shit and crazy and wonderful and i'm loving that she turned out to She looked him in the eye and was like, I'm telling you. But she said something that was so good. Never mind. She is so full of shit and crazy and wonderful. And I'm loving that she turned out to be such a rotten bitch on this show. Because every time they show her, I'm like, yeah, she's back. When she was like, word on the street.

Starting point is 01:54:58 Yeah, I love when she does word on the street. He's like, mom, stop with the word on the street, mom. I'm surprised that What's-Her-Face didn't show up from Potomac and be like, I'm word on the street. And Todd's like, Mama Joyce, I'm just glad that I'm not the word on the street this time. I mean, maybe Mama Joyce got it right. You never know. I'm like, Todd, please take that quilted baby ass jacket and put it on the website. I'm sick of looking at it.

Starting point is 01:55:25 Stop ruining the merchandise. So then Phaedra and Kenya go and get lunch. And, like, they're talking about, like, guys and everything and how, like, now that Kenya's back with Matt, they're having lots of sex. And Phaedra just goes, I'm a Metamucil, honey. You're on penis. goes i'm a metamucil honey you're on penis and kenya kenya actually outgrossed phedra which is very rare she's like well they do say that protein is good for your hair and your skin gross i mean that's even worse than something phedra

Starting point is 01:55:58 would say that's huge i mean i've heard of like putting egg yolk in your hair to make it stick. And Kenya goes, well, what about you? I know that you're not sitting on it. And Phaedra's like, well, it's been two years. And I just want to make sure that I'm in a good place and properly divorced. And Kenya's like, girl, please. Any part of time we're living in, you know that Phaedra is getting some from somebody. Okay?

Starting point is 01:56:26 Absolutely. Which is true. Ridiculous. So then Portia and Sheree then go to have lunch. And my only takeaway from this was that Portia is like, you know, she's trying to show people that she's like a new person, and she's like, I'm a very pleasant individual. I'm like, well, I don't know about pleasant, but loud, that works. I cannot speculate why she behaves

Starting point is 01:56:52 the way she does, but I'm pleasant. And then Sheree's like, they label me too. When you're a black woman, people label you. Why we gotta be bitches? I'm like, you're literally both bitches. This has nothing to do with you being black women, okay? You're both awful and crazy.

Starting point is 01:57:09 And I wouldn't have it any other way. And then they cut to her going, who's going to check me, boo? Yeah. The funny thing is I don't actually think Portia's a bitch. I think she can go crazy. She has a short temper, but I don't think she's a bitch. I actually really like Portia so much. I don't think she's a bitch.

Starting point is 01:57:24 But, yeah, when she goes crazy, I mean, she's violent as hell. But she's very lovely in her violence. What is it? And I like they're talking about Chateau Charest, and she's like, why don't you move in yet? And Charest is like, well, I don't want any old furniture. I want all new furniture. And Portia goes, I'd be in there with a mattress and the Comcast. I would be too.

Starting point is 01:57:49 So I hope that Portia never draws blood because I really want her to stay on the show for the rest of time. I know. So now here's Exhibit A as to why Todd is going to be the new Peter. Why he's going to basically take all of Candy's money and just shove it down the drain. Because we then go to the restaurant space for OLG, which is where the, it's like nothing is done, which is fine, but it is huge.

Starting point is 01:58:17 I mean, like, what is he thinking with such a huge space? I mean, there's like two floors. Upstairs alone is 70 seats. And then there's like a performance space for mean there's like there's like two floors upstairs alone is 70 seats and then there's like a performance space for jazz and the whole it's like it is so enormous i'm like this all i'm just seeing is just like bankruptcy coming around the corner i am definitely seeing a divorce proceeding like you're seeing all the clips that are going to be used in this divorce

Starting point is 01:58:42 because poor candy i mean she even says at one point's like, this is why I don't like having other people involved with my business. And then they show her crying about a mother's love and stuff. And yeah, Todd is just. No, not his love. Do they have a successful one? What? Successful what? Like, do they have a successful business at this point?

Starting point is 01:59:04 Because we haven't heard it about Candy Coated Nights, but I would assume dildos would sell well. one what successful what like do they have a successful business at this point because honestly we haven't heard it about candy coated nights but i would assume dildos would sell well i mean well all her businesses before todd i believe were very successful i think candy coated nights like and her like sex stuff was doing very well and i think that her like her little store did well but it feels like ever since todd's come around all their entrepreneurial endeavors have really not panned out very well. Because the thing is that like, I actually think that Candy has an instinct and I think that Todd does not. And he's like a typical like dude who comes in and is like, okay, I'm going to show you how to do this now. Cause now I've married into you. And it's like, you know, if you're going to like, the space is so big on an untested brand. I mean,

Starting point is 01:59:44 I know Candy's famous, but wow. I mean, listen, I hope I'm eating my words. I'm hoping I'm eating Aunt Nora's food. But that seems... We've seen enough reality shows about restaurants, and we've seen enough things on Food Network, and we've seen enough things in life to know, and we've seen enough restaurants here in Los Angeles

Starting point is 02:00:02 to know that even the biggest celebrity concepts like crumble under a venue that's too big yeah planet hollywood much people um i did love seeing the actual old lady game they came over to look at this unfinished restaurant and uh birth is like i want some of those grits like they show them walking through the mud basically to get in here and it's raining and uh todd todd and candy are giving them a tour and he goes we're gonna put up some photos and bertha goes where are you gonna get photos and he goes from you and she goes figures she's like furious bertha just came in furious and yeah oh and nora's talking about nora's talking about how like they're talking about like yeah and then like you guys can come out and sign autographs and nora's like oh that sounds like fun and they're like yeah so and bertha like what are

Starting point is 02:00:55 you gonna do and she's like nothing and he goes you can make cake and And she goes, I'll be damned. And, of course, they show Mama Joyce being totally shady in her testimonial about Todd. She's like, Todd doesn't know anything about this venture. Here's what I know. It cost a lot of money. And then she goes, a lot of money. of money and then she goes a lot of money just like screaming to herself joyce yeah never changed joy never changed but it is a lot of money i mean look did we learn nothing from peter did we learn nothing from peter and then the other ants like do we get paid by the hour and they're like oh well we never actually talked about how much you would make.

Starting point is 02:01:46 But I'm sure that maybe minimum wage or – Like they couldn't answer because they were thinking they were just going to come in for free, obviously. Yeah, basically. They were like, well, first let's get the restaurant up on speed. Then we'll talk money. I was like, ooh, that's shady. Here comes the lawsuit. Yes, and also Bertha just – you know that's why she's playing so hard

Starting point is 02:02:05 they just she just wants them to say okay here's some money so they basically agree that they are going to be getting paid something but they don't know how much so in the car they just show the car driving away with the old lady gang and bertha goes yes we We getting paid! Yes! And all the ladies are like high-fiving in the car. They're the best. So then it's a scene of waxing. So Kenya is going to go get waxed with Cynthia and Candy. And they get like a sugar wax.

Starting point is 02:02:41 And some of them are tasting it, whatever. So afterwards, Kenya is now like feeling a little huffy because she heard that charie was talking shit about more manner i'm like yeah no shit you invited a whole bunch of bitches into your unfinished house and then guess what they bitched about your house that's what happened stop taking it so personally you would do the same thing yeah but especially like he's talked about her living in a ditch, I think, already 30 times and it's only episode two. But, of course, Kenya, though, she does come for Sheree in a pretty hilarious way. She says, at least my name's on my home. Your mother's name is on Chateau Thelma.

Starting point is 02:03:16 Yeah. Well, have fun over there at Chateau Thelma. It's time for She Ain't Shit by Sharae to get checked. She Ain't Shit by Sharae. So now we cut over to Cynthia and it's like... Cynthia and... It's like this sad R&B music.

Starting point is 02:03:37 I'm like, oh good. Cynthia's in braids again. Everybody get ready to sob. That's like Cynthia's sad hair. She's like, it's a dramatic scene which will explain my braids. Thank you. Yes.

Starting point is 02:03:47 And she was meeting Peter at a place called Drip. I was like, yeah, that's appropriate. Also, a coffee place that actually functions. That is so cool. I know. So then they have this conversation. I hate these conversations. Aside from the fact that they're boring is that peter he's always like he just he

Starting point is 02:04:05 makes he's just so gross because he's like slick i mean that doesn't work on me but basically he knows what he's gonna do to like curry favor and sympathy he's like you know what i went to the hospital the other day because i was having a heart attack but it wasn't a heart attack i just you know had a mosquito bite in my heart area but my heart was hollow but anyway i don't have an emergency contact anymore it's like shut up peter and she's like peter yeah be quiet yeah she's like you could still call me i'm like okay you were married to a man who didn't even have an ice number you know what i mean like he never even put his emergency contact i'm sure they'll call the people who are still paying for your damn health insurance i know you're not doing it yeah exactly exactly he's such a pig someone on our facebook put peter's really upping

Starting point is 02:04:51 the housewives game coming up with fake heart attacks it's like the new fake cancer i could have had a heart attack at least the arc only lasted 15 seconds that's the whole season so he calls the lawyer. He makes a big deal out of calling the lawyer on speaker to say, Hey, listen, it's me, Peter. I'm just here to tell you, send me the papers. I'll sign anything you want. I can sign them in Charlotte, whatever Cynthia wants.

Starting point is 02:05:16 It's all for Cynthia. Uh-huh. Okay. Yeah, exactly. Shut up. You're such a martyr for willing to call the divorce attorney right there on camera. Shut up, Peter. It's because you know she's still paying for his bar, restaurants, and giving him alimony, etc., etc.

Starting point is 02:05:36 I'm sure he's not just walking away for free. Exactly. So then the show sort of climaxed with something. I really applaud the producers because, um, they decided to try something different. They were like, wouldn't it be funny if we put all these ding dongs into an escape the room challenge. So they went to a mall and they were put in there,

Starting point is 02:05:57 you know, an escape room, which for those of you who don't know what those, those are, it's this new thing where you get locked into a room and the only way out is to solve all these puzzles it's a really fun thing to do you're usually in there for an hour but they only gave these women in the 30 minute rooms so i guess those are the ones for the kids or something so um uh so it started off with some awkwardness because phaedra got there

Starting point is 02:06:19 first and then candy and then they were just like sitting there awkwardly yeah they were just sitting there texting yes Yes. I liked also, by the way, Phaedra was really feeling confident about her skills in the escape room. She's like, if it calls for intellectual acumen, I will be fine. It's like, I've already seen five different things I could sue somebody

Starting point is 02:06:38 over. Yeah. And then so then Sheree, everyone just winds up showing up and they split into teams. And Sheree is like, well, I'm happy I'm not on Kenya's team because she knows nothing about unlocking doors because her house has none. Portia put herself on Team Kenya. It's like she forced them to work together because she's like, I just want Kenya to see that I'm pleasant. So she goes into this thing with her.

Starting point is 02:07:05 What did Kenya say? Oh, yeah. She said that thing about Sheree. But she goes, I don't understand how this mystery room has anything to do with Portia and her anger management. But okay, I'll come. I think that being trapped in a room with Portia and getting out alive says a lot about her anger management. What is so beautiful is that neither team could even get out of the first damn room. They could.

Starting point is 02:07:30 I mean, they were that stupid. Like, you can call the person to come help you, and then they help you and give you a clue. And then you can, you know, start figuring out the other clues. They couldn't even get the first clue. They were let out of the game in, like, the first room. I just love the image of Cynthia Bailey investigating a clue with a magnifying glass. It was like somewhere Sherlock Holmes' ghost was like, you know what, Moriarty? Just take her.

Starting point is 02:07:54 So after this, Portia's like, no one fought. And so she thinks she's totally out of jail now. Everyone's going to be totally fine with her because they all lost this thing together. Congratulations, you made it 30 minutes without fighting. Yeah, Porsche's view on life. I don't need to understand it. So then Kenya acts like she's being nice to Sheree because

Starting point is 02:08:16 I don't know, I think she thought it was Mama Joyce because Sheree has her Mama Joyce hair. It really does make her look like Mama Joyce. Yeah, it's a terrible, terrible wig. So she goes after her and she goes, Hey, Sheree, I was just thinking we should be on a team. You know, we should start a

Starting point is 02:08:32 team to work together and we should call it Chateau Sheree and More Manor. And Sheree goes, Oh, I could do that? That's what we should have been doing the whole time? And she goes, I was kidding. It was so obnoxious. And poor Sheree, she was like, oh.

Starting point is 02:08:49 Yeah, that was a total Kelly. It's like, that doesn't even make any sense. And then it just, it escalated into the most crazy argument. This is what I always say about the show. I mean, they had an argument that was so, so funny. Like my boyfriend, when it was over, he was laughing for five minutes straight. He could not stop laughing. But it's also the stupid...

Starting point is 02:09:09 The fact that this is the dramatic climax, there's a fight about this, about trim and baseboards. It's crazy. Baseboard fight. So good. This is my... This is the Housewives show that always makes me laugh the most. It's my favorite one. I would watch it. I would watch every single episode whether we did this or not you know i just think it's so funny

Starting point is 02:09:28 so they start this big fight and ray is kind of thrown off guard and kenya kenya goes well i spoke with lena and she told me all this that you were saying all this stuff about my house and she goes she goes she said that you said my house needed work. And Sheree goes, I felt like it needed work. It needs work. It needs work. She's like, it does need work. There was a bucket under the sink. There were, like, things falling off the wall.

Starting point is 02:09:53 There were exposed wires. So weird. And Kenya goes, yeah, but Sheree said we've been playing with each other, throwing shade for all these years, like for two years now. I don't understand why now you're so mad. she goes yeah but you made a list and i wouldn't throw shade directly at you charade that's the different and she goes well um baseboards well i love this they start fighting and then charade at one point is like you know if i would live in a house with this if i was i live in a house with no this no this no this and if i had if i lived in a house with no trim and then kenny goes i don't do trim and then sheree just like stops the argument goes oh

Starting point is 02:10:30 well you need to do trim she's like you need trim you need you need it and she goes well i don't do trim and no bitch is gonna tell me how to do trim no bitch is gonna tell me how to do trim and then sure they just cut to charaine in her interview going hell nah nah nah nah nah nah nah and they are like just streaming their way out of the escape room mall and she's and then and sheree's like you want to be all this and that but you shop at Ikea and your shit's not finished? She's like, I'm not playing these games with you, Sheree. And Sheree's like, yes, you are. And she starts walking out.

Starting point is 02:11:15 She goes, I already have trouble with violent men. I don't need another one. So Popeye can pop off somewhere else. And Sheree goes, there you go. Leave with your Ikea furniture. You shop at Ikea? How's the L tool? Hey, it's a bitch, ain't it? Why don't you run off with your unfinished house?

Starting point is 02:11:34 And Carol twirls off, and she goes, girl. She goes, bitch, twirl on the motherfucking baseboards. So good having Sheree back you know you really no one really can hold a candle to sheree i mean nini nini sure the only one who could really go up well no claudia jordan took on nini for sure but in general like the the the level of like i don't know what i'm saying but the point is that sheree and nini are at their own at their own own level of this show this has got to be killing nini to watch this and see that it's so funny and that sheree of all people has come back from the dead and is totally leading this show with no problem because nini overplayed that hand man she wanted so she was the highest paid

Starting point is 02:12:22 housewife then she got so d DV they couldn't even take her. Then she supposedly quit. Then she came back for like a second and totally failed. And then she got in trouble with the tax people because she isn't paying her damn taxes. Oh, really? Yes. And now she's desperate for money because, I mean, she hasn't paid her taxes in years. And she even put out a tweet where she was trying to make light of it.

Starting point is 02:12:45 She's like, oh, here I am, one of those stupid celebrities not paying their taxes, guys. But now she's desperate for the money. And her work has dried up. And now she has to sit here and watch Sharae win. People forget that, like, remember after season one, all this shit came out about Greg. And how he was, like, the shady landlord. And he had all these financial issues. So, no surprise there.

Starting point is 02:13:07 As Phaedra would say. I can't even do it. Phaedra, this lemonade better than Chick-fil-A. Hey, girl. Hi. How are you? Good. Good.

Starting point is 02:13:29 Good. All right, everyone. Well, we've been talking for about 35 hours now, so let's wrap this up. Thank you for listening. Thank you for supporting us. Remember, if you want to hear about Marriage and Medicine Houston, that's on our bonus episode, so go to patreon right now and uh and sign up if you haven't already and then later this week we will be talking about real households in new jersey and we'll talk about marriage and medicine and of course below deck so uh and by the way happy

Starting point is 02:13:57 birthday captain lee it's his birthday today oh well happy birthday captain lee i'm sick of these goddamn birthdays breaking all the goddamn rules always supposed to be doing on a typical day rules not appropriate and appropriate all right everyone thanks so so much and we'll talk to you later bye hey prime members you can listen to watch What Crappens ad-free on Amazon Music. Download the Amazon Music app today. Or you can listen ad-free with Wondery Plus in Apple Podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at wondery.com.

Watch What Crappens - #346: Dog and Phony Show

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