Watch What Crappens - #347: Heavenly Blessings and Unturned Tables

Episode Date: November 17, 2016

Married to Medicine is at its nonsensical best, Real Housewives of New Jersey finishes their reunion up, and Below Deck celebrates the Year of the Bitch. Enjoy! Subscribe at http://www.patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens for bonus episodes, ringtones, and live group video chat parties. Timestamps: 0 Crappens Mailbag 19:10 Married to Medicine 1:02:03 RHONJ Reunion 3 1:29:00 See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

From Wondery and Audible comes Class of 88, a new podcast hosted by Will Smith. Before 1988, a lot of people didn't take hip-hop seriously. But hip-hop today touches everything from film to fashion to sports. So what changed? Follow Class of 88 wherever you get your podcasts. Watch what crappins would like to thank our special super premium sponsor, the gorgeous, sexy, and madge with the sexy J. We love you girls. happens when there's so much that happens. It's a watch what crappens. Oh, well, it must be the crappens.

Who cares what happens when there's so much that happens? Hello, and welcome to the Watch What Crappens podcast, the podcast about all that crap we love to talk about on Yale Braves. I'm Ronnie Kerm from Trash Talk TV and the Rose Pricks Bachelor podcast, and as usual,

I'm here with the gorgeous, talented, thin, and well-coiffed Ben Mandelker of the B-Side Blog and the Banter Blender. Hello, Ben. Hello, Ronnie. Thank you for saying I'm gorgeous and thin, because after watching Below Deck and all those gays, the third week of gays, I'm really spiraling. You know what? I don't need that in my life. Like, I just, I don't need that in my life Like I just I don't need to look like that

I've always wanted to be thinner But that is just too much upkeep It's like when you see homes that are You know, five million square feet Someone's gotta do the leaf blowing Well stated But we'll get to that later. I know I was jumping the gun, but top of mind.

Top of mind. Everybody, come over to watchwhatcrappens.com to find all of our links. Patreon.com slash watchwhatcrappens is where we keep all of our bonus episodes. Those are super fun. And we are covering Married to Medicine Houston over on the bonus side. So come on over to listen to that. Also, if you want to talk about these shows when they air with other listeners, go to Watch What Crappens on Facebook at facebook.com slash watchwhatcrappens.

And you can also comment on these very episodes that we are recording. Yes, very, very episodes. Oh, and by the way, our last episode, we had a quote unquote premiere of DJ James Kennedy's latest club banger called I've Got Your Keys. And if you enjoyed that,

guess what? You can just listen to just that song. We released it as like a little mini Watcher Crappens episode. If you subscribe on iTunes, it's already in your itunes library but if not go check it out and it's on our facebook page etc etc yeah if not go get it

yeah i mean you can download it directly you can actually download it from the art 19 player that we link to on our facebook page oh wow because i know you all want to download it hey we're number our episode number 346 from Tuesday is number six on iTunes. I'm just looking to see if your James song is up here. No way. I need to know. I know. That's so great.

Also, we have the same color scheme as Pumped, who we love. But has that always been the case? Have we always had the same? I keep seeing them, and I'm like, oh, my God, we're killing it, and it's Pumped. I mean, what the hell? Well we always had the same? I keep seeing them and I'm like, oh my god, we're killing it. And it's pumped. I mean, what the hell? Well, let's not get it twisted. We have the same color scheme as Bravo.

So that's probably why we're all linked together. Oh, that's true. Good point. Der. Der. But by the way, I just want to say our numbers have been going up every single month. And we are on track this month uh to do over half a million listens uh and downloads etc um who knows what thanksgiving things may get wonky but i have to

say thank you so much to everyone who is coming on board everyone who's subscribing everyone who's like joining this is amazing we have had like like our our increases month to month it's been like like like like we're adding like a hundred thousand new listening listens every month it's crazy and we have to say thank you watch what crap is the longest podcast on the internet and the slowest burn i mean talk about a long burn we're like a damn hbo so it's just gonna pay off in 10 more years. We're going to be like, we did it. It took us 10 years.

750,000 people. Love doing it. Something I'm so excited for every day, especially when I start my day with Married to Medicine. Chill, Miss Daffodil. I'm the funny honey. I believe the direct quote is. Me and Miss Chill, the daffodil has it, honey. Me and Miss Jill, the daffodil has it, honey. Oh, quad for life.

So we've got Married to Medicine today, the regular one, and Below Deck, and also the ending of Real Housewives of New Jersey, which I'm excited to talk about because I know that Ben is really feeling for Teresa on this one. Because this episode was all about how nothing is Teresa's fault. And I just felt you wanting to punch your brand new TV. I am actually floating on cloud nine right now because I just watched the Jersey reunion

and it means that it's over and we don't have to cover it for several more months yeah there's not even like a lost footage or anything they're like okay we did our best like does anybody really need to see someone grouting kitchen tiles no and you know the thing is that this season was an improvement over last season i do feel that way but the reunions were just it could have been one hour. It was miserable. Jacqueline! Just listening to Jacqueline squeal the whole time. Yeah.

That's the thing, because Jacqueline is one of the most annoying squealers, whiners, yellers. She just, she makes you want to turn into a misogynist, you know? And so to have to sit through that for two hours of her doing it, it's like, ugh. Well, it's also really good news for the listeners whose eardrums are being blown out by my theresa squeal because this is the last episode that'll be happening so don't worry all right well let's get into it before we get to the shows how about we open a little bag full of mail ben yeah Yeah. Alrighty.

The Krappen's mailbag is overflowing with submissions. So let's just see. Marg Knapp says, Can you do a couple of Real Housewives reactions to the new president? Heather Dubrow, Ramona Singer, Gina from Melbourne, please. Oh, my goodness. Sure. You know what?

It's crazy. It's crazy that we have a new president. Okay. I'm sorry. Whoa, whoa, whoa. This reminds me this one time when I was walking around the forest as a little girl. And I was like, you know what? I'm the president of the forest. And then Geraldine Parsons-Smith came in and said, no, you're not the president of the forest. That's thumper. You're came in and said no you're not the president of farce that's thumper you're not thumper you're just a thump sorry i'm sorry you

can never be president so to this day i will never run for president i'm sorry sorry i prefer to just call him trump because it's one name and it's his brand like gina the seat hey what you sent like Gina. Hey, what's your scent? Mine is wet cardboard. You know what I like about Donald Trump? He's fearless like my scent. A fearless Impovito. Hey, he's not like an amoeba, okay? Because an amoeba needs to be afraid of Impovito

which is the treatment that you use to get rid of the amoeba in your brain. It's also my scent. I have never had a president who grabbed me by the pussy. I mean that. I am drawing a line. You can fire me if you want. He's not gonna grab me

by the pussy. Am I happy that Donald Trump is president? No. Do I think it's good for America? No. But are David and I gonna get through it because we are so happily married yes it takes five to ten years to get over your president having an affair on his wife

here lies shannon bedore killed by america which is also lying here killed by donald trump did you get that david did you get my joke dav David? Get it, David. David, we're so happy. We're so happy. I'm crying jokes. No negative thoughts. Kelly, grab you by your pussy. Great comebacks. You're the president now.

I'm not the president. You know what they should call you? President Bossy Pants. How about that, President Trump? Let me see. I'm trying to figure out what should be next. I think some of these we did. The ones that have a heart we've already done, right? Yeah, ones that we've hearted, we've already read. There's one I know I want to answer. Go for it.

Emily Laird. She says, what is your favorite Ina Garten recipe and which housewife would you serve it to? So this is obviously one of my favorite topics of all time. It's very difficult for me to have to try to figure out what's my favorite Ina recipe. But the first thing that springs to mind, I've got two things that spring to mind. One is this sandwich that she, this recipe she has, which I believe is in the How Easy Is That cookbook. This recipe she has, which I believe is in the How Easy Is That cookbook. And it's basically tuna salad with hummus served open-faced on sourdough with, like, radishes on top. Now, I know you're thinking, tuna salad and hummus does not always seem like a natural combination. I am telling you, this sandwich is so divine.

I remember the first time I took a bite out of it, I thought it was probably the best sandwich I'd ever made for myself and possibly one of the best sandwiches I'd ever had. It is truly – it's an excellent tuna salad recipe and it's an excellent hummus recipe and you put them together. It is fabulous. And I would serve it to none of the housewives because they don't deserve it. None of them would eat it anyway. I mean unless Ina makes like a salmon salad that's the only thing they order the only show to order anything other than salmon salad is new jersey and they order crazy shit they're like i'd like a french fry sandwich with chicken parm on the like how do you stay so thin i know um i also want to add another recipe recently that i made back in april

she has a recipe perhaps also from How Easy Is That, which I think is also my favorite Aina cookbook, for leg of lamb. And I've never made leg of lamb before because leg of lamb is expensive. But I felt I just was like, you know what? Who cares? I'm going to do it. I became Siggy. And I went to a local butcher and I spent like $40, which actually I think is pretty cheap for a leg of lamb um and you just roast it and it's really simple it's really easy and it's like um you put like a bunch of tomatoes and things in the roasting pan it only takes like an hour and a half to roast and it was so delicious and so divine we were all eating it and we like could not believe we could

not believe this was something that came out of like the oven it was it was just spectacular something that came out of our own oven yeah um let me see do you think uh this is from defy little daff daff do you think ben and melissa have a chance at a relationship after below deck i think you mean ben and emily right yeah i well they're never going to be a one-named couple because no one can even remember their name unless you're referring to my cousin melissa and wondering if our relationship is going to be severed after below deck it should be odd i'll have to discuss with melissa at next week. Well, I think they are still together. The captain and Ben got in a text war this week, and I was really excited. Someone tweeted us, are you reading the text fighting between the captain and Ben?

And so I read it. And, you know, in Housewives things, we're used to reading things like, your husband is cheating and possibly a child molester, and you belong in prison. You know, like real fights. The captain and Ben fight is like, meh, you feeling defensive, Ben? He's like, well, I love to cook. Meh, I love to cook, darling.

I didn't mean disrespect. Ah, you could have fooled me. Well, now you're being disrespectful. This is unacceptable. It's like a rules fight on Twitter. Well, I'm sure the inciting incident was when Captain Lee says, you know what I like to do? I like to put dill on every single dish I eat. That's absolutely

ridiculous. Stay in your lane, Captain Know-It-All. Listen, I'm the captain of this ship. If I want to put a nerve on my goddamn plate, I'm going to put a nerve on my goddamn plate. You got that? Speaking of dill, how come nothing on this boat comes with a goddamn pickle a yacht full of cucumbers not one of you goddamn people can put one in a jar full of salt um so in that fight ben someone had brought up emily who

like who's gonna fight with emily anyway but they tried dragging emily into the fight and he was like emily is the best thing that's ever come out of the boat for me so i guess they're still together but they're never gonna be like a bemily you know what i mean ain't nobody remembers emily's name unless it's like rabin instead of... Benbit. Benbit. I guess Ben plus Bunny would be Bunny or Benny. Rabbit! Rabbit!

Catherine, we have to do this. We have to say this to Catherine because we were bad. And we should have read this last week, but we missed it. Catherine says, my birthday is on the 12th. Happy birthday, Catherine, belatedly. Five days later. Sorry. Catherine says, my birthday is on the 12th. Happy birthday, Catherine. Belatedly, five days later. Sorry. Happy day, baby.

Could Ben please do an old school Thomas Kramer sit down and shut up impression for me? It's still his best, in my opinion. Or I'll take Lydia from Orange County on a roller coaster. Well, you know what I say to that, Catherine? Sit down, shut up, or leave. And also, happy birthday! Happy birthday!

People think lunatics. For those people who don't understand that Lydia impersonation, it's because every time Lydia spoke in the testimonial in the diary room or whatever, she would shimmy. She always looked like she was going on a roller coaster.

It was one of our stray observations that sort of just stuck. It's something we said in her first episode, but then she shimmied, I think, every single time, even when she was crying about how she's a good Christian charity lady. Like, it doesn't work while you're shimmying, weirdo.

Do we want to do any more well i think we i think we've we've done enough for for this week right we have a lot of shows to recap let's wrap her up then let's wrap up the mailbag and the other questions we'll get to next week. So what would you like to start with today, my little friend? Your choice, because you are producing the episode, so you steer the ship. I say let's do Married to Medicine first,

because Married to Medicine came back last week, and we did talk about it but we did not get to talk about it enough so we're kind of rotating the shows that are going to get the longest recaps yeah and we both just had so much fun with married to medicine this week well did we i did i mean marriage medicine houston yes this i mean i have to say I did. I mean, Married to Medicine Houston, yes. I mean, I have to say, Married to Medicine, I don't know. I mean, it has these funny moments of ridiculousness, but I definitely struggle to get through this show. That's for sure.

I LOL, Ben. I cannot help it. And I don't even understand what the hell they're saying half the time because they're all lunatics. And they talk really high and really fast i mean this week opened i won't do a whole previously don't worry but they were showing scenes from last week and i didn't even notice that quad said i'm ready for fortnight to come okay shakespeare she knows she literally is ready for a night when they're all going to build a fort. She's like, tonight is fort night. Tell me how to stick a peg in the ground.

Well, I'm busy making grits for my sister-in-law. I could be making a pillow fort. Pillow fort? Couch fort. He's like, we didn't have this discussion about a couch fort beforehand, baby. Well, I should have discussed it with you, but I believe in forts.

I believe in a fortnight. She's always giving like some big speech. She's like, let me tell you something about that. Jane Austen, when those girls were playing the piano forte, they really knew what they were doing. Making a fort out of a piano. That's right. I'm still making my Jane Austen references wherever I can. And making fun of Quad blew out my internet.

The internet was like, do not mix Quad and Jane Austen, okay? Even I have limits as the internet. I can't believe I also can't remember Lizzie's last name. I always want to say Grubman, Lizzieubman but that's not her obviously that's another famous person yeah no uh last time i checked lizzie grubman did not play the piano forte and neither did lizzie bennett run over people in the hamptons with a car but didn't yeah lizzie grubman was a publicist who ran over people in the hamptons and then was like what and then later had a small arc on the city which was a publicist who ran over people on the hamptons and then was like what and then later had a small arc on the city which was a wonderful show on mtv i mean that's a girl they need to be

bringing to bravo someone who just runs over people and it's like what are people complaining about it's not like i did it hard i'm actually surprised that she has not been on bravo yet i bet she's probably pitched a show or shot a pilot called like it's lizzie world lizzie's world and we're just living in it the longest title ever well it's probably called like pr girls it's gonna be like the gallery girls spinoff it's like my name is lizzie grubman and yours isn't and everyone's living in my world and you're not like the worst title you can never find it anywhere on the TV Guide. I think it would be called, let's see, if it was a Bravo show, Lizzie Grubman show, it would be called, I honestly can't think of one. Lizzie with Possibilities. Is that a phrase?

Grub Miss. Grub Woman. It's Grub Time. I'm sorry. By the way, there was a show called power girls it was power girls where the r and power was capitalized so it's like pr and it was a 2005 mtv reality series about press maven lizzie grubman mentoring a team of young hopeful publicists as they work their way into the world. The stupid Lizzie Grubman, thinking that her brand was MTV when she's Bravo all along. Come on, bitch.

Yes, you're Bravo. Come on over to our side. We will welcome you. Open arms. Yeah, if you need an idea of a show, maybe you could teach defensive driving. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Lots of fun options for you. Bravo's been trying to crack the Long Island nut for a while now. I thinkzie grubman's our way in we're in lindsey lizzie why are we talking about lizzie grubman when we have married to medicine okay my fault sorry well we open married to medicine with heavenly getting screwed over by her husband who, who does not support her pretend jobs that she has because, you know, heavenly has got like 18 careers. She's got like nine different offices.

I think she, wasn't she opening like some strip mall, female empowerment, dental cleaning. I don't know. Well, maybe she is just inspired by the business maven that is lisa nicole cloud aka the ceo of lisa nicole cloud enterprises did you see that

lisa nicole enterprises i'm like bitch you're not in the forbes 500 like stop with this ridiculous like trumped up title okay lisa nicole cloud enterprises come on now it really is like she's playing dress up she does that well thank god she's not today because i can't take another red fur skin tight victoria's secret i'm not even victoria's secret like fredericks of hollywood dress from her it's like fredericks of hollywood meets figure skating from lilla hammer 1994 fredericks of the Valley. Fredericks of Lillehammer. Which is probably a wonderful restaurant. Fredericks of Azusa.

I like that Lisa Nicole is just being as fake as the doctors because the doctors on this show are like, yes, you have a sore throat and appendicitis? Okay then, I'll talk to you later, click. And then they go on with their scene. Vitamins, vitamins. And Lisa does that too. She's like, Yes, stocks,

trade, textiles. Could you please give me the sales figure for the month? Thank you. And you know that she's talking to the Skype test call. You know that's all she's doing. You hear the DING! Welcome the Skype test call. Okay. You know that's all she's doing. You hear the dink. Welcome to Skype.

Welcome to Skype testing services. After the beep, you may just leave a sample message. Yes, I would like to have the sample. I can't do her voice. You do her voice so well. I would love some samples. Yeah. Heavenly, as many fake jobs as she may have, I don't know how many are real.

I'm guessing she's really a dentist because we've seen her doing that before but she does not ever fake her opening she's just whoever she is every day and today she's on the phone going daddy which she calls her husband she's like daddy you know you were supposed to take those kids to school i gotta work i want to be able to do heavenly voice so bad but i just can't yeah she's like the candy burris you know because the whole reason for people who are new to the podcast the whole reason why when we do candy burris i go see no rad it's because candy she goes from like super high to low to high and growly all in like this in one and a half seconds.

And Heavenly sort of has that weird bubble frog voice thing. But she also has that squeaky... Because she's got the kind of Muppet thing that Candy gets. But she also has the Growly Mama Joyce thing. Exactly. So while we acknowledge that our Candy Burris and our Heavenly are totally inaccurate and they don't sound anything like them, we feel that hopefully they capture the essence of these strange noises. And as usual, the music is always consistently amazing on bravo and i just wrote down ridicu ridicu ridiculousness yes i wrote that down too i was like oh ronnie i'm like i know

ronnie will get this but just in case ridiculousness i just wonder when quad is going to get herself into the dj booth and uh record a public domain track of quad the daffodil i'm sorry jill the daffodil has a baby to the daffodil now jill the daffodil's honey play it again i have to hear it i have to hear it multiple times the daffodil has it honey maybe she'll definitely has it on it so now we get another fake doctor on the phone thing with jackie she's like oh no she wasn't on the phone she was talking to her secretary she's like keisha could you please bring me list reviewing the numbers for the month oh simone's here can't simone just come over simone enters like a sitcom character you know sitcom characters

the neighbors always just burst through the door as if that happens in real life. Could you imagine if someone burst through your door every single day? You would just have them shot at a certain point. But Simone, she walks in and she's like, Hey! You're like, what is she saying? She's having a parade, a one-woman parade coming down the hallway. Yeah, you hear her like five minutes before she comes in the room.

She's like, Y'all can go home now. Simone is here. Everybody can go home. The real doctor's here in the doctor's office. It's Simone. Simone is here. Page of Dr. Simone. It's me.

I'm like expecting one of those New Orleans parades behind her, like when scenes come marching in. Brrm, brrm, brrm, brrm. Little tubas and stuff people are just throwing beads at her head everywhere she walks in she's also got a yelling thing this year was that too loud in your ear i was trying to yell towards no no no that was was i being too loud i can't tell with my microphone no i'm just trying to face away from the microphone and yell directly into bueller's eyes it's like he doesn't even move. He just stares at me

like just as sad as before. Like an 80s song. When I yell into your eyes you were just as sad as before. Ridiculous. Ridiculous daffodil la la. So Simone comes in and she's like

Hey Keisha, you can go home home Dr. Simone's here bye Felicia like oh no can we I know that the white ladies are just getting into it by Felicia like five years later but come on you guys had this movie like a decade ago, at least. Yeah. She's still a mom, though. And moms have a right to be out of touch. Don't forget. Bye, Felicia! It's like that Kristen Wiig.

Do you remember that Kristen Wiig skit on SNL where the mom was trying to talk about pop culture? And she's like, what's that movie with Leandro DiCaprio? And she's like, no, mom. Bye, Felicia is becoming my new just saying. It needs to stop. Just saying. And I'd like to also add the Facebook status update

of, well, that just happened. So that just happened. That needs to stop also. You know what needs to happen? It's no one else saying that just happened. The stupid, understated, humble brag. Shut up. That just happened. Just saying.

Bye, Felicia. Bye. Bling. It's like auto-block. Hearing things that happened are Jackie. So Jackie, last episode, Simone just went crazy for no reason. She just started yelling about Quad. When is it your time to have a baby, Quad?

Just yelled and screamed, and no one really understood what was happening. But Jackie and Simone are best friends, so Jackie says everything in a very nice way. She's like, so, how about the other day? And Simone's like, I was shocked at some of the things that happened. She's like, like well now having a baby when you're an old lady is risky that was true but it's hard having people attack lisa nicole because don't forget that we just went through this a few years ago that was last season jackie that you thought you were going to be making babies yeah exactly and i don't even act

like that was a real thing that was clearly the producer said okay you need a storyline so why don't you pretend to have a baby yeah it's like the lazy season of storylines my my favorite thing about this conversation was simone now in like in like reasonable doctor voice was like you know you know i just you know i raised the question to quad about having a baby and it looked like it really hit a nerve. I'm like, no. Out of nowhere, you were like, why aren't you having a baby? Like, you screamed at her, and she was like, fuck you.

No, you didn't hit a nerve. She was responding to your madness. You hit your own nerve for some reason. Yes. No one understands still. All we do know is that Simone knows that Quad is ready in a fortnight. Okay? That's what we know. Let's see if we'll figure that out later.

Oh, there was a stage, baby. And all the men and women, merely players. So over at Lisa Nicole's house, she's sitting at her kitchen table desk. I like when people are like, I'm a professional. I'm at the kitchen table desk which i like when people are like i'm a professional i'm at the kitchen table it's like come on now lisa nicole enterprises has many remote offices including the kitchen the dining room upstairs and starbucks i have been working all day also i ate a hard-boiled egg. I am a woman. Hear me roar. I really appreciate that during the scene, Lisa Nicole was saying how, you know, she is a businesswoman and she can't just like stay at home and talk baby talk.

I'm like, you realize that's all you do is talk baby talk. You have baby voice. You realize this, yes? It doesn't matter where you go. You can't escape it. The juggle is real. See? You're even talking baby voice. You realize this, yes? It doesn't matter where you go. You can't escape it. The juggle is real. See? You're even talking baby terms.

I'll say this much. I am pop, pop, wah, wah, poopy, poopy in my diaper. For Q4, we really need to focus on pop, pop. Yes, ma'am. I do have your paperwork right here. Lisa Nicole Cloud, baby executive. Yes, revenues were down. Good meeting.

Good talk. We meet Aunt Daisy, who... I was like, was like oh good it's like a new mother figure like aunt daisy it's the nanny okay yeah and she just says call her aunt daisy because you know like what are you gonna call her like minimum wage workers too long just say aunt daisy so she comes over and she's like oh go ahead just to interrupt notice that like lisa nicole was very sure to get a nanny who is an old lady and not anyone young and attractive. Oh, yes. There is no adorable stripper nanny in this household.

Uh-uh. Of either sex. So Daisy takes care of the kids. And Lisa Nicole has a very weird way of standing up for herself. I mean, you're furious that someone said that you don't raise your own children. So the very next scene you shoot is your nanny raising your children. Like, who does that? I mean, I didn't disagree with her when she said, look, if you can afford a nanny, if you can afford this, you can afford that.

Yada, yada, yada. Then all the power to you. It's like, yes, absolutely. But then don't get mad that when people say, you know, you're relying on nannies, et cetera. Be like, yes, I am, and I'm privileged to have that opportunity. Yeah. Lisa Nicole.

I encourage women to have a nanny, an assistant, a driver, a chef, Siri. I don't care. You're blessed. You're blessed if you have it. I'm like, okay, just don't show this scene with a nanny. How about that? How about just pull a Heather Dub. I'm like, okay, just don't show this scene with an Annie. How about that?

How about just pull a Heather Dubrow and be like, here I am at the park with my babies! And people are like, oh look, she's a good mom. She's at the park with her kids on Instagram. That's how you do it, Lisa Nicole. Yeah, exactly. And stay away from restaurants that have rice paper walls. Or glasses of water.

Yeah. So now is Quad being Mr. Quad. I was going to say Mr. Mom, but it's Quad. I don't really know how to make that work. But Quad is doing the laundry, and she's just like, she's so sick of her sister-in-law and her brother. All she's doing is walking around cleaning with this fabulous outfit and her hair and makeup are all done. And she's taking stuff out of the laundry she's like i told y'all you can't just leave clothes in the drawer

and she's telling the lady i told you three days earlier i don't like trash i don't like dishes all over the household and she's like well, well, I didn't do that. You're sitting there in front of the desk. Just move it. I know. You're literally the only other person in the house right now. It definitely was not Chloe and Curry, whatever their names are. The dogs.

Pups and pears. So Quad gets snarky about her sister and is like, well, she needs to spend more time in the kitchen. I mean, it looks like she spent plenty of time in the the kitchen but rude because she's big and just had a baby i mean i don't know how long you're allowed to say baby wait i still say mine and i haven't even given birth yet but i am on my second dog well quad decides to teach um this this woman uh how like how to cook a little bit so she's like they're dealing with avocados and um quad's like trying to show her how to like a little bit. So she's like, they're dealing with avocados and Quad's trying to show her how to slice an avocado and she's like, I like them when

they're squishy, you know, like at Subway. And Quad just looks at her and goes, when you go to Subway, that has been pureed. Just seething with anger. But also still talking in an overly formal way. Quad has a lot of culinary juice today

it's like her running thing is her like culinary knowledge she's like that is pureed okay and then she's trying to teach her sister-in-law what a tomato is she's like now these are tomato heirlooms i'm like i missed that somehow. And the girl's like, I don't know about this. So she eats it and she's like, it's good. Now come back to me at a fortnight and we'll discuss it again.

Quad, introducing her family to vegetables, one tomato at a time. So now Toya and the new girl janiece janiece a janiece mousy lady yes who trains three and a half hours a day she's like you know i'm training i can't have a glass of wine girl i train two hours in the morning and an hour and a half at night and the word insecurity gets thrown out a lot in this episode i think three and a half at night and the word insecurity gets thrown out a lot in this episode i think three and a half hours a day of working out could probably uh lead you to be labeled with that yeah i think

so that might that might be part of it um sorry you go no no no i just hear a pause and i'm like and then like had nothing to say. Yeah. Well, so they're talking, and Toya's like, like, Janice and I, we're both from the Midwest. That's the Midwest way to do it. Like, we don't need to get an ambulance around us. We're not going to fight like it is. You know what a Midwestern is?

They're like, we do not hold back. Like, is that really what Midwesterners? I thought it was that Midwesterners sort of do hold back politely like good midwestern matt like like manners yeah i've literally never heard that uh-oh she's midwestern watch out they don't hold back yeah it's one of those tell it like it is midwesterners they're like oh good how are you good oh she sure told me like it is. She's good. So, Janice has a problem with Heavenly. Of course. Because the other night, Heavenly was basically being... Heavenly. You know, Heavenly was being Heavenly.

And Heavenly was like, let go of my husband. And Janice is like, actually, we worked together. Because Janice sort of swallows her words. I mean, I haven't tried to do Janice impersonation because I don't know her voice well enough, but she just she sort of swallows her words. Sounds like this a little bit. And and so she was upset that Heavenly thought that she worked for her husband instead of worked with the husband. And then when she when when they're talking about kids, the Janice's husband has four kids from previous relationship. And heaven was like,

Oh, so she has custody of the child of the week. And he's like, Oh, actually she's died. And she's like, Oh, sorry.

She's asking about custody arrangements. It's tacky, but like, is it really worth coming out, racing over to Toya's and be like, I don't, I don't like what she was doing. Insecure.

It's classic heavenly to piss people off in the first five minutes. That's just so Heavenly. You're married. I'll go from here. You can afford to get a car now. She'll just say the rudest fucking things. That's just Heavenly. But Janice is like,

I do not care how many jobs you have or how old you are or how many books you've written. You're insecure. I was like like i don't think that you can say a lot of things about what what heavenly was doing you call it nosy gauche tacky rude but i don't think insecure was one of it one of the things that that was really registering on my radar at that moment and then we get a clip tori is like well heavenly is heavenly and then they show just clips of Heavenly offending every single person she's ever met here in life. It's the rudest place. And Toria's like, no, I want to tell Heavenly you can't do this with these women. The walls go up.

Classic. We've got some classic Housewives things coming in. Walls up. Walls up. Literally, walls are up. So they are going to have a, they're all going to be getting together later so Janice can yell at Toria, basically. So now Dr. Simone, or Heavenly, yeah.

So Dr. Simone and Quad go to lunch and Quad just comes in when she's, Simone's like, hello, hello. And when Quad walks in, she's just like, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm- mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm talk. And basically, Simone's like, I would like it if you would try harder to have a husband. Because one in five couples your age can't. They try, but they can't. And Quad's like, well, I've never acted willy-nilly.

You know, I just want my coins to be in place. And she's like, but you have a husband. What is this? This show. Yeah. She's like, yes, I know. You could have a husband. What is this show? Yeah. She's like, yes, I know. You could have a husband just as easy as you could have a jack-in-the-box, okay? They both come popping out of a car, come 55 miles per hour, or out off a cliff.

What? A man can, no matter who your man is, he can always leave you in the middle of the night. Now, I'm not going to be there holding the bag, especially a baby bag. You can puree the avocado as much as you want, but a cat still can't come out of a toaster a baby may come out of you but a dish is still on the counter you know what they say a dish on the counter is worth a three roller coasters in a moon bag so this was an awkward lunch where nobody got anywhere. Because I don't even think these ladies really understand the script yet this year. They're like, wait, we started a huge fight, but we didn't really have anything to fight about.

Okay, let's just get some pasta. Okay. So Mariah's house. Mariah is going to try again to come back to this show. Yeah. Now Mariah is even more hobbled than usual she um she hurt her foot uh technically she says honey i thought i was starring in the movie atl with ti i was roller skating and lo and behold she broke her ankle in two places she starts third personing

herself yeah i'm surprised she already was not furious at everyone for like not visiting her at the hospital when she broke her ankle. I know. It's like, how many times? I mean, the last time was legit. I don't even want to make fun of her for that. But, you know, of course, it's like, Mariah's back, and she's a victim in some way again. And then she has the lamest cutdown. She's like, man, this cast is so heavy and useless.

It's like a big heavenly. I mean, it's a bit heavy. It's like, uh heavenly i mean it's a bit heavy it's like uh yeah so lisa nicole comes over because no one likes her either yeah and uh they they're telling us that they've just decided to get to know each other and you can tell that mariah is making an effort because lisa nicole's talk lisa nicole brings up having a baby and and Mariah's like, good for you. Yes. Lisa Nicole's like, I'm just going to keep talking about this until someone gives me some positive feedback, because no one has been on board. Yeah, so she got it and then moved directly into Toya.

And she's like, I had a very, very elegant cocktail party. Didn't you see my dress? It was red with poof balls on it. And out of nowhere, she started screaming nanny comments. Mariah's basically, well, Toya is as Toya does, as far as Gump would say. Basically, they're

going to have this party. Mariah's going to have a party because no one understands the magnitude these are mariah sentences i love her yeah she's gonna have a blue party because blue but blue is the color of royalty like blue blood i'm like actually no purple is the color of yeah it doesn't really work that way but that's fine fucking mariah yeah so um basically they're gonna have a big party okay yeah so then toya and heavenly are chatting on the phone about getting an invitation to this blue party and um and now they're talking about that and then the conversation gets to janiece

because of course toya is telling heavenly like you know like wow you know like uh janiece was janiece was saying these things and i made me feel real uncomfortable you know, like, well, you know, like, Janice was saying these things, and it made me feel real uncomfortable, you know? And she's talking about how, like, you know, like, making Janice sound like a crazy person, which is hilarious. Uncomfortable. I felt uncomfortable. I wanted

to get the drug, because I was in there, and get it tested for drugs. You know? Eugene. Test the blood. Did you notice that's how the scene started she's like Eugene Eugene I'm gonna call someone I don't want them to feel uncomfortable so Heavenly's like

why is this girl mad at me I don't do that girl and she's like girl I don't even know I'm gonna come get you and we'll have some drinks in the car what you should have did was not ask her about her children. That's what you should have did. Well, I do. Listen, Heavenly, I have came here to talk to you about your insecurity, okay?

And what you should have did is be more secure, okay? Because it's making me uncomfortable. Toya started this season on a roll, and she is continuing. Yeah, Toya's great. She's hilarious. So Cecil and Simone basically are just talking. Since Simone can never come up with a storyline either, and screaming at Quad last week for nothing didn't work,

she's like, but what about my drunk dad that's in and out of prison that I haven't talked to for four years? Oh, head on the desk. No one cares. Look, you haven't even talked to your damn father for four years. Oh, head on the desk. No one cares. Look, you haven't even talked to your damn father in four years. What the hell makes you think we want to sit in front of him?

Yeah, exactly. She's sort of dusting off the storyline from last season. She's like, you know, people weren't quite bored enough with it last year, so let's give it another try this time around. She was so upset about not seeing her father last year that she waited until shooting started to try again. Oh, reality show

love. So meanwhile, while she and Cecil are talking about that downer, Quad is over in the bedroom with Mr. Quad, and she's gotten him a beer, and now it's like an airing of grievances. So Quad is saying

how she feels overwhelmed, and she needs emotional support for things. I don't know why, but she needs emotional support. The husband knows the real way to know what Quad is thinking or what she's going to say. He starts the conversation by going, hey, baby, you going to wear that wig to Mariah's house? He's like, I don't know what wig I need. I need an extreme caution wig. Then Greg goes, yeah, don't get too close to that leak,

baby. And she's like, oh, Gregory, what are they talking about? I have no idea. I have no idea. What does that mean? So now we find out that Quad didn't even tell Gregory. She didn't even ask him if her family could move in.

She's just like, okay, move in. And he's like, these are things you should tell your husband. And she's like, well, I compromised. For example, part of me wanted to tell you about my family. And the other part of me didn't. So I compromised and just didn't say anything yeah yeah so her her issue the reason why she's not having a baby is because she's afraid that greg might just up and leave her and then she'll be on the hook for all the support like she won't be

able to to afford it etc and yet this is the same woman who has essentially iced greg out of of this whole living situation so it's like you can't be implying that you want him to be in like an active role and at the same time sort of like icing him out of course i'm drawing all these conclusions based off of one stupid scene where they're drinking beer in a bedroom but you know it's my right it's my right so over at mariah's house uh she's going around in some like pink pink doily outfit on her little scooter and she's like having a successful party is important because i spent my coins girl she's like she's got flowers she's putting flowers out yeah flowers so she um she wants to make everybody feel like they're all equals and friends again and she's going to prove this by sitting in a huge throne while everyone eats you know that that's putting people totally off right i mean that thing is

bigger than the table yeah i i did love when Mariah made fun of Quad, saying how, like, yes, Quad's going to come in here and her voice is going to change. I don't know which of the four Quads we get in the night, but I welcome all four, honey. Listen, her name's not Quad for no reason. Oh, that's true. Good point. Yes. Oh, my gosh. You see when the show goes deeper yeah we really think about it all

so tori and heavenly drink in the car and talk more about janiece and stuff and now heavenly's like well she's insecure she's just insecure because normally i don't care but she's this mad i gotta know i gotta know why this girl's so mad at me what if she spacks my drink or something janice i hope janice realizes that she has a losing battle ahead of her right she's going up against heavenly it's not that heavenly is like some like indomitable force but she's certainly better than janice so yes good luck with that lady heavenly's like that in the first five damn minutes imagine what she's like when you get to know her okay yeah heavenly yells so loudly that she's popped one

of her own eye veins listen you know you're in for a hellish fight if you're going up against someone in heavenly that's the only thing maya angelou ever got wrong she said people tell you who they are in the first five minutes and Heavenly's like hi I'm Heavenly Maya's like okay there's exceptions to everything you can't, Rana be careful remember last time you made a Maya Angelou joke oh I did that just for you

well that was the day she passed Rana, for those historians out there, Rana made a Maya Well, that was the day she passed. For those Watcher Crappens historians out there, Ronnie made a Maya Angelou joke the day that she died, and people got so mad at Ronnie. Well, to be fair, I did do that in the first

five minutes, which also explained pretty well who I am. So I was like, she got that one right. Maya Angelou is just insecure. Ghost my insecure so over back at mariah's house uh mariah is talking to this butler she this like cater waiter she put in a butler uniform basically justin and she's like justin you're taking care of me, ain't you? I need a gold veil. You're going to give me someone to run after my veil too, Justin?

And Justin's just like, okay, well, got the chafers lit. I can't hear you over the sound of me putting chargers down on the table. Mariah just starts a really long segment of nonsense she goes oh look it's Lisa outside and then Lisa comes in she goes I just said Lisa's outside yeah it was like she was upset that Lisa

did not like hear it and like come and hug her first because Lisa hugged the butler first and Mariah's like I said there is lisa q lisa coming to hug me first the gimp god i was just telling justin there's lisa and there's lisa such a weirdo then heavenly comes in she goes that's a butler heavenly it should be noted, was wearing black. So it was, you know, a point of controversy that she was wearing black to the blue party.

But I liked it. It made everyone look like a big bruise. Yes. And Mariah's like, you can wear blue now. You've lost 100 pounds. And then Quad comes in and hugs the butler, which I don't know why that made me laugh so hard. And Mariah's like, well, it is good to see Quad again. And I just want everything to go okay.

I can pull her wig down a bit, right? No shade. But that's what friends do to each other. Can I pull her wig down a half an inch before we get started? Denise arrives in a glitter pantsuit. Crop top pantsuit. Yeah, she, I wrote down somewhere what I thought she reminded me of. I have no idea where I put it.

But it was like some, it was some overly sequined pantsuit. She was like about to perform on a carnival cruise line. The Smurfcapades. Smurfcapades. So now, they usually try and come up with reasons that these people are friends. They'll be like, well well we met in aerobics three years ago and then became best friends they're not even trying now

Mariah's like well I included Janice because my doctor is her best friend so yeah that was a bit tenuous and this is also a time when I think all the women start to speak nonsense the most like this is when I recorded a I think all the women start to speak nonsense the most.

Like this is when I recorded a soundbite, you recorded two soundbites because there was something like they're just like they were just like overstimulated by each other's presence. They're just like. I mean, listen, I mean, here's here's quad. We'll start off with quads nonsense. Baby, I told you them pooch through honey hole or a bait novel. And then we have a quad again. And then there's more nonsense to come before we play the third clip.

There's still some stuff before the third clip. Mariah, they all gather for food. And Mariah's like, thank you for coming to my home. The most serene place I could invite you to. And Toria's like, brrrr. Toria just starts to snore immediately. From Wondery, this is Black History For for Real I'm Francesca Ramsey and I'm Conscious Lee what do most people think about when they hear the words Black History Rosa Parks Reconstruction

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I just don't understand. I mean, you wrote such a sweet and jolly text, and I don't get I mean you wrote such a sweet and jolly text and I don't get it because you're not sweet and jolly like you sent me a text it was like nothing happened and Mariah's like yes well that is true Toya we have been through a lot

and then it cuts to the season one pool party thing where they're pulling each other's hair and throwing glasses at each other yeah but now you're jolly you like i mean like i get it you've gained a lot of weight so you do so i look like santa claus but without the beard but like i don't get it you're just being nice now because you're handicapped well gene says be nice to handicapped people and mariah goes well in the scheme of things, what I've been through, you know, in my life, what we went through wasn't that serious.

And Toria goes, all day. Yeah, that was her new phrase. All of a sudden, for the rest of the episode, she's going, all day. All day. Do you want some potatoes? All day. Now, I know that's like slang. Not slang.

But I know it's like a phrase that people say. But she just all of a sudden, I know her was saying it. All day. Yeah, she says it now after everything that's her that's her new bye felicia yeah thank you toya for at least making an effort to move past the bye okay all day and this is when uh mariah is giving she's being positive no matter what anybody says to her and so that's when quad's like i love mariah east car saleswoman yeah so quad then quad and mariah are trying to be bitchy with each other but it's the middle of the day and it's a lovely lunch so they can't quite muster it so they start just having a nice fight uh go ahead and play the clip. They're having a passive-aggressive fight as they walk

their way to the table. You have a very great seat. You're sitting next to me. Am I something? Isn't that just something? I know I can. I know the time was here, honey. You said my tear got stuck and I did not like that.

Well, you'll be okay. I'm doing just fine. You seem to remember. I remember everything. Well, it's not the time. No, it's no big deal, girl. We're having a good time. Trust me, there ain't no shame. Last time I was here,

you said my tear got stuck and I did not like that. What? I like to have a rolling chair at all times. So Mariah, let's see. Tori is like, you got patrolled? And Mariah's like, I do not have tequila.

I'm sorry, Toria. And so Toria whips out a box of Patron from her purse. All day. All day? Yeah, she did do that. She goes, well, I'm glad you were prepared, Toria. She's like, all day. And then Heavenly goes, would you like me to bless the table and mariah

no we wouldn't all day so the the cater waiter butler guy justin brings salad he's like salad is served and mariah goes now what are we having Justin? And Quad goes, this is a crab stuffed shrimp with an arugula salad over grits. Quad Calicchio. She's like, look, I can recognize everything on this plate. Mariah's like, I hired somebody to announce the food, damn it. Why is everybody fucking with my lunch? She's like, actually actually it's just tuna salad on a roll yes but i think the tuna is clearly of the sakai salmon variety no no that

makes no sense after all of that she's like oh the grits that's what took her the longest jackie jackie's watching lisa marie drink and she goes when you're going to have a baby a woman has to prepare her body like like you would to have a gray garden jackie's new hair made her bitchy and i like it i know i like i actually really love her new hair um she's like lisa is pouring garbage into my flower bed i'm like bitch you're just assuming you're ever going into that flower bed. Because I'm telling you one thing, there ain't no daisies or tulips or roses popping out of that dirt. That's some soil to avoid. Yeah, that flower bed went fallow many years ago.

She's going to need some Miracle-Gro. So Toria brings up Janice immediately. Like, they don't even get to have a bite of her salad and she's like well what i should have did was talked about why janiece and heavenly are fighting what i should have did is say hey janiece so like you hate heavenly right huh talk about it and heavenly of course cannot even start this off well even though she knows it's she goes she starts she does start off well, even though she knows it's coming. She does start off well, and then she immediately gets, I mean, like, you're just waiting for her moment. You're just waiting for her just to mess it all up.

Yeah. Which is what you're about to say. I'm not secure. I'm not insecure. I really liked you. I gave you a compliment about how you had six kids, and then I found out later they weren't all yours. What kind of thing is that to say? I know.

It was, again, like she just can't help herself. She can't help just adding that last little bit there. And Janice is like, let me explain something to you. Which I love how she says explain because that's like El Paso talk right there. She's like, let me explain something to you. You said you work for your husband now listen with your husband you build a legacy an empire i'm like oh my god this one was gonna fit right in on this show i know exactly she's like listen i have taken inspiration from lisa nicole cloud enterprises have we gone over the numbers for the

month have we we're giving you way too way too impressive of a voice we're making her sound like she is some sort of orator when i i have to really work on my janiece impersonation but it was it was very much like this her voice like she sort of was like manly and she sort of couldn't get her one time but i know i sound nothing like her but in my brain i'm like doing such a spot-on impersonation. Oh, my girl. She was pointing hard, and then she stands up in her crop top. She's like, what do I have to be jealous of? She's got a little addy belly button, which is so cute. But she's like, look at this.

I work out three and a half hours a day. What have I got to be insecure about? I'm like, yeah, wait until you're not insecure. Yeah, exactly. You look like you're wearing a disco ball pantsuit that was rejected from the mary j blige collection okay that's a crop top to a lunch um you know but it was funny because janiece was saying like you were rude to me and heavenly heavenly does the classic reality show thing which is rather than address the issue she just tries to deflect it

and was like listen this is a conversation you should be having with me and not with toya it's not real women don't do that that's just a simple weak bitch thing to do and so of course like then it becomes about like who how should the conversation have been like let's talk about the conversation and then when she says a real weak bitch he's like you call me a bitch you call me a bitch i am wearing sequins and uh denise goes sometimes you got to go to the gutter to meet someone to meet somebody acting up and heavenly's like and that's where you're from the gutter i do not like to call bowling okay and that's a strike against you and i'm not gonna spare the rod with you you see what i did there meanwhile toya who instigated this whole fight but is still

pretending to be heavenly's best friend is like yes you don't let heavenly talk to you any kind of way it's like in toya is horrible so they basically scream yell fight and then they're like cheers everybody and enjoy their salad and heavenly actually does do a heavenly bible quote she goes we must remove the plank from our own lives before we can move the speck from others what i i don't know i i didn't i didn't know it was a real bible quote because i'm jewish i don't know if it's from new testament or not well who's got a damn plank in their in their eye what is she talking about i'm talking about plankton you know from the ocean don't look at some of the ocean you get plankton you're riding in

so toy is like so they have no more issues and lisa nicole's like, so there's no more issues? And Lisa Nicole's like, well, dot, dot, dot. There is a new issue of Lisa Nicole Cloud Magazine coming out. There's a new issue of ours tax and spend reports. Coming from my purse. Whoops, let me take this call. Ring, ring. Hello. TurboTax Quicken Loans. PowerPoint. Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. Ring, ring. Hello. TurboTax, Quicken Loans, PowerPoint.

Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. Microsoft Word, not compatible with Google Docs. Thank you for calling Lisa Nicole Cloud Enterprises. Click. Lisa Nicole is like my ninth grade self. When I first started writing plays, that goes back in like, uh,

in high school, I was, I took, I got interested in writing plays. I went to summer camp and went to like a summer camp for the odds. And I took a, like a, like a session in playwriting and I really enjoyed it.

And you know, when you're sort of a bad age, you just start writing about things you don't really know about. So you'd write these, I'd write these plays. It's like, okay, I'm off to go to work. And then you have a scene in the office it's like i need those quarterly reports right now

otherwise you're all fired business business business and you know like it doesn't have any ring of authenticity to it that's what lisa nicole cloud is she is my ninth grade playwright self thank you for coming to my play. The curtains are closing. I remember in my first play that I wrote, actually, as an example of, again, how you just don't understand the real world. I had a scene where a character, they decide to get someone drunk. And I remember talking to the camp counselor who was overseeing this. I was like, so what's a a reasonable amount of like shots that someone would drink to get like so drunk they pass out like 45 50 she was like ah how about seven tried it

oh i totally clouded it oh so talking about people just making things up as children to get attention let's go over to Real Housewives of New Jersey. Yay. And, you know, we have a great segue for that because as Marriage Medicine was ending, Quad was doing the classic Siggy thing, which is like, you know, Heavenly has a bad delivery. She just has a bad delivery, which was essentially the Siggy and Dolores line of the night. Yes. Pretty much. Regarding Jacqueline. I mean, it was the the Siggy and Dolores line of the night. Yes, pretty much. Regarding Jacqueline. I mean, it was the past two reunions, you know, whatever.

I would like to get my kitchen redone to feel like a new woman. Well, you know that there was Frank and then there was Maz and, you know, Boo and my first husband. Well, there's so much. and my first husband. Well, there's so much. So we opened the Real Housewives of New Jersey final reunion with everybody on break, just the way we opened Orange County this past week. Everybody's on break, and they're like,

Teresa, you hear Teresa in her dressing room. Someone's like, you really think that Jackie set you up with the FBI? And she's like, when you really got that gut feeling, like I had it in my gut. And then Chris is over in Jacqueline's dressing room like, that's a dangerous person right there. I used to say nothing surprised me, but I can't believe someone will go to that extreme. I can't even believe that she even thinks there's a kernel of truth to that.

Even a little kernel of truth. Little kernel of blood sprouts. So Cindy C., our beloved over on Twitter, sent us screenshots of when Kim G. was going off about how she's friends with this lawyer, Monica Chacon, who got kicked out of a Christmas party a few years ago. Monica was going after Teresa, and Kim was bragging that Monica is going to bring her down and it's going to be so hilarious and she's so glad that she's talking to jackie and monica chacon every day trying to bring trudy theresa down and now jacqueline's like what i have no idea i had nothing to do with bringing you down how quickly we all forget. Yeah. How quickly. But at that point, see, what I don't remember is the timeline of the Monica Chacon thing. Was that after Jacqueline and Teresa had their big blowout or was that the same season? It was the same season.

Yeah. That was the season where Jacqueline was kind of trying to pretend that she was friends with Teresa. Yeah. But she was really working against her the whole time yeah no uh Jacqueline's just like Jacqueline's like kind of like a piece of shit so and so is Teresa by the way don't forget the only husbands who would show up for this are Joe and Chris Joe Gorga and Chris why is Joe out the entire reunion it's weird yeah well I think that they just were like editing it in stream well i mean joe is essentially a cast member at this point you know um and there were there were

no other husbands to show up i mean what's frank gonna do frank's gonna show up and talk about how he paid for like cabinets i mean he has no he has no purpose to be on the reunion and siggy's husband showed up for one second to give their son like a car so you know there wasn't there was no that was the ex-husband that was the ex-husband i'm sorry the other husband like the one thing he did all season that he showed up for an event and she's like there's my husband the love that we have remember she started doing that she's like who's got a glass we could stop my husband's here yeah what an odd celebration for your husband to

join yeah uh so chris and joe only man let's see uh so they start talking about whether or not jacqueline is responsible for the fbi coming after and theresa goes i'll reframe it she was dabbling in it like speaking to people and then those certain people went to the feds which is true i mean theresa sounds like a goddamn blubbering idiot. Yeah. But she is sort of backpedaling, too. I mean, she made it sound like Jacqueline immediately went all John Grisham and found an FBI agent and informed them all. And then she's like, well, you know, she just gossiped.

She called the government. It's my favorite thing. She called the government. Oh, Teresa. So Melissa's like, you, it's a little different. It's my favorite thing. She called the governments. Oh, Teresa. So Melissa's like, you see, Jackie's an investigator. And Jackie's like, I'm a fact checker. Shut up. There's no such thing as facts on this show, by the way.

I don't think there's ever been a single fact that's been uttered on this show. No, we don't watch this for facts. So poor Siggy and Dolores have nothing going on. So Andy for facts yeah so poor siggy and dolores like have nothing going on so andy's like what do you seeking and dolores think about the fbi being called by jacqueline five years ago and then being called about called out about it on twitter whatever siggy's like i have no idea she's like i've been friends with jacqueline she didn't seem like that bad and theresa goes how long have you been friends huh Ziggy goes two years

I just all I see with Jacqueline is someone who wants help and Dolores is like I like my sink like I've got a great sink listen you know it's like Jacqueline's like a sink like sometimes you just gotta like turn her on sometimes you gotta put your hands in her but sometimes you gotta let her be

cause if you overuse her you know what you you're going to get a whole new countertop. It's not worth it. And you got to call Frank and Francis say, listen, you got to get this over. And I want my own Frank countertop, you know, and that's why I got to work with Maz,

you know, but they're like, I'm making it work. I'm making it work. It's like a spoon stuck in the garbage disposal. And you're like, oh my God, what am I going to do about that spoon?

What am I going to put my hand down there and lose my hand on my brand new kitchen? So you go, no, you call Frank and he's like, I'm not spending another damn dime on this kitchen you better stick your hand down there and i'm like you know what i'm not gonna i'm gonna get a new sink i'm gonna be an independent woman you're gonna pay for it and then he does now the sink's there i don't i don't even use spoons

anymore you know what i'm saying and he's like you know what like you know what though you know what though i never threw out the spoon i got a new countertop i never threw out the spoon and i wish we all would keep our spoons okay isn't that't that ironic? Alanis Morissette, she gets it. Thank you, Dolores. That's a fact. So Chris goes, I know the truth of what really happened. And Tree goes, then you were dabbling too. You was dabbling too, Chris.

You was dabbling, okay? I don't like you talking about my personal business so then chris goes into this this explanation which you know he's covering for jacqueline so big with this he's like the reality is we have a mutual friend and he called me up about a real estate dispute and he said they was going to go to the feds and i said look i don't want to be the middleman in this because i'm friends with Joe and Tree. And so I called Joe to be, you know, not the middleman. And I said, what's going to happen?

And Joe said that this guy can go fuck himself. So I called a friend and I said, Joe said you can go fuck yourself. And then I stayed out of it. So you basically totally helped cause shit in between Joe and this other guy. I mean, I kind of believe it. I believe that that's something that probably happened. It probably wasn't the only thing that happened, but I believe that that seemed like it was true. He's just so housewives when he's like, I refuse to get in the middle.

So I talked to one guy. Then I called the other guy. Then I called the other guy again. Yeah, they'll show you calling me a middler. A middler meddler. Exactly. Listen, this was on Tree and joe and they were idiots and they tried to defraud people regardless of what they say and they still don't real they they take responsibility with sort of like an asterisk okay but um i mean but you like sure maybe maybe jacklyn and chris had some role in some in some way of it getting to the to the government.

But ultimately, these guys were doing wrong and they were being very high profile. And, you know, yeah, it was come back and bite. It was dabbling. He was dabbling. And Tree's like, I did took responsibilities. And he's like, whatever. They go on about it a little bit more but theresa starts yelling about how she did take responsibility right after she just spent an hour going well my mistake was signing papers i didn't understand yeah okay yeah exactly i mean

if you think about just the implicit argument that like that jacqueline and chris are at fault because they allegedly alerted the government to the massive fraud we were committing and so they are at fault it's like well no like sure maybe if you're using like the logic of like the mafia like you don't rat on people but you guys are in mafia and you guys were defrauding people and you know what it lies on you like you're gonna yell it you're gonna yell at the person who called 9-1-1 on you you know what it lies on you like you're gonna yell it you're gonna yell at the person who called 9-1-1 on you you know like robbing a store doesn't make you still rob the store stupid and and and if you are also by the way maintaining oh we're just signing the wrong things then the implication that you're saying there was well we thought we weren't really doing anything

wrong so therefore it's not that wrong for Jacqueline and Chris to maybe talk about it. Like, oh yeah, they did this. It's weird. If it was allegedly something you did wrong, it shouldn't be surprising that people talked about it because then they wouldn't have thought you were doing something wrong. Does that make sense? Well, Teresa's full of shit. She did not just sign paperwork and then go to jail.

That's not what happened. They had all this shit going on, and they kept continuously lying to the judge like they would lie to the judge over and over the judge was like you guys you this did not have to be this difficult but you fucking lie and then you bring in more fake documents you fucking idiots you're both going to jail yeah they did it over and over they were just going to get like a slap on the wrist and they just were cocky and they and they keep blaming it on the lawyers. They do that because I think they don't want their children to lose faith in them. I think that's actually the real issue.

Too late. They're idiots. Too light stalling. Well, then this turns into Melissa and Jacqueline going at each other. And Melissa's like, well, I know that that's true because you would call me and say that Teresa's probably going to get more time and stuff like that. And Jacqueline's like, you mean when you were feeding me info? Melissa's like, what'd I say? What was this info?

She goes, you fed me. I lost track of the fight at this point. They were just like arguing about jail time and information and you're lying and spreading the lies, et cetera. I don't know. And I also don't think it's that crazy for Jacqueline to be like, you were feeding me information. I'm like, well, yeah, because they hated each other at the time. Like it doesn't – at that time, Melissa and Teresa hated each other. It's not surprising that Melissa would be talking shit.

But it's surprising if Jacqueline was talking shit because jacklyn ostensibly had a friendship with theresa that's the whole point of this that's why there's an issue yeah um but you know that's too much for this cast yeah i i hate that i am getting wrapped up i hate that i am like getting into this and trying to trying to like quote-unquote intellectualize it or trying to understand motivations or try to like prove the logic i don't know i this it drives me nuts and i hate i'm blaming you i'm gonna blame it all on facebook i'm blaming it all on facebook because facebook i feel like has put us on a mindset where we are constantly trying to like prove our points and take a stance i mean i spent like 15 minutes this morning trying to like find articles about uh someone posted like a i'm not

even getting into it but i was trying to find an article that would prove my point about like the awfulness of the alt-right and i was like why am i doing this this is i'm not doing this i'm not going to change anything i'm just wasting my time and i'm just going to add more gas into the fire of a stupid facebook thing i need to do better things and here i am basically doing the same thing going to the same going down the same path, except with New Jersey. Much less productive. Well, basically, when you put something on Facebook and start fights, they go something like this one

did. Jacqueline goes, Is your seat on fire? Liar! And then Tree goes, Nah, it's not on fire. By the way, I'm so glad I'm not Facebook friends with Jacqueline. She probably has the worst status updates and she probably gets into so many fights with people. Oh, she's like the Twitter queen.

Like she's the queen of being in fights on Twitter, I mean. Yeah, I feel like she probably has a lot of things in caps lock with exclamation points. Yeah, she's like definitely a caps emoji over user for sure. So then Tree's like, how many Xanax did you take? And Jacqueline goes, I'm anti-medicine because of my sick son i was like you oh my god using your sick son in fights is really fucking old at this point and it doesn't make any sense the thing that they that there's a big conspiracy about or possibly truth who knows depending on who you talk to is um what do you call that a vaccine giving you giving kids making sick making kids sick it's not just regular medicine you fucking moron

so anyway let's see so chris is now back in the fight she's so stupid i don't take medicine because of my sick son you idiot she's like some of her own medicine that's what i say boom burn i don't take polio pills because of it's like you're an idiot so and i can't even play polio they start chris starts back up again and he's like uh yeah you know what happened joe and gorga and the the Wakilis wanted to have a sit down. And I said, no, I'm friends with Joe and Tree. And then I became friends with Joe and Melissa. And look, all Jacqueline wants to do is to bring us all together.

Like I told Jacqueline, if you're going to become friends with the Gorgas, you're going to be fucked because they're eventually going to make up with theaices and they're gonna dump you i'm like that is not what happened that and that's also by the way that's not the way life works when people do eventually come back together they don't normally just like drop a friend you know like that's actually a really cynical view of life and i think it speaks more to the dysfunction in the manzo family and or whatever they are the loritas um and it just and it also says more about jacklyn's character that should be so easily dumped that should be used as a pawn that's not the way it works in the world what two people are fighting and there's someone who brings them together usually then all three move along happily the only reason why someone

gets dumped is if they are petty and they're looking for some sort of like uh something in return you know well she started it jacqueline was the one to turn on melissa jacqueline was the one to turn on melissa like if she was pissed off that melissa was friends with tree now or whatever fine but she was the one who dumped melissa and turned on melissa not the other way around and chris seems like he's sensible so why is he even making this argument it doesn't even make sense yeah uh yeah i mean chris has lost a lot of sensibility points uh this this year um but like as as melissa later said or tried to say that jackson essentially did a self-fulfilling prophecy you know jackson was afraid that melissa was going to drop her and so then she did what it would take to make that prophecy come true. I mean, it's just ridiculous.

And then just to show you the kind of logic we're working here, Andy goes, I feel like Joe Gorga really misses these guys. And Joe goes, this is my this is this is petty. OK, my family destroyed me. That was the problem for me. That was the problem. And then they show the christening. Yeah. They just, I mean, they just love it.

Basically, at this point, the producers are like, remember when the show was fun? Let's show another clip of when the show was fun. Here, let's show, like, Teresa flipping a table for the 10th time this reunion. Let's do that. Remember the good times? Yeah, Joe's like, this isn't worth it. And Andy goes, well, Chris, did you gamble away half a million dollars it's like what is this line of questioning i know and then they go to this and then and then it's like back to the stripper thing again and now theresa starts

backpedaling be like no i didn't say you were a stripper i said she would give other guys lap dances when we were out i'm like oh you can't even keep your story straight you know with from one minute to the next and just like his wife, Chris brings up his son whenever he needs to defend himself. I just find it so fucking offensive that they do it every time. He's like, if I'm lying, my son should never speak again. How about you just fucking stop? Just stop. Just stop bringing your son up every fucking time.

Stop. I don't think it was like that. I think it was just like a... i don't think that was a that was a uh exploiting autism moment but what i did get sick of was chris saying um doing the old thing which is like and as crazy as this may sound i think jacklyn she still cares about you so much that's all she wants i think deep down she still wants to be lucy and ethel like stop with the jacklyn cares so much she's this wounded wounded friend who's lashing out because her heart has been broken no she's just a bitch god lucy and ethel are just sick of everybody else being called lucy and ethel they're so sick of being lucy and ethel them damn selves i'm sure

like just god we played other roles okay what about rizzoli? What about Rizzoli and Isles? Rizzoli and Isles. That would make more sense. It's like it's still on, but you don't understand who watches it. You don't understand who watches it. And does anyone really even like it? But they sort of like each other, so why not? Why am I mad at Angie Harmon? Wow, second Angie Harmon reference in two episodes.

So let's see. They they go over theresa's stupid language this is like the new thing with with bravo like let's put in a segment where we make fun of how everyone talks and then i'm always like it's like what's my favorite segment like bravo so predictable but thank you yeah thanks for lightening it up before we went back to autism and throwing each other you know to the fbi wolves and she's like yeah well you know i had braces in the back of my teeth and that's why i can't talk says rights anymore and he's like you had a rough year theresa not only is joe in prison how do you feel about that by the way but he just called you a c word which wasn't this year i mean this show hasn't even shot for like two years but not to my face um

and then we get like a theresa's back home montage i'm like how many i feel like we've already seen like three of these montages in this reunion alone and i feel like like how many times do we have to revisit you know the triumumphant spirit of Teresa going to jail and coming back and keeping her family together during the hard times that she and Joe caused with their fraudulent behavior. That is basically the rest of this episode. And he's like, oh, Teresa, remember how you were in jail? What about Joe? He's in jail. She's like, man, I'm a single mom.

Shut up. I know. The rest of it. Like, like shut up i'm so glad this show is over and then andy of course can't help himself he's like yeah it must have been hard being in prison do you ever want to eat out another woman it's like thanks andy asking all the pressing questions oh god let's just be done with it i know so then so then this is where tree was again being like, you know what? I take responsibility, but what about the mortgage brokers and the bank people and the attorneys?

They put the stuff on the papers. Why don't they go to jail too? I'm not mad at Joe. He took responsibility, but none of the mortgage brokers, the banks, the attorneys. I'm like, okay, no, you can't do that. B, this just shows that you have terrible judgment. You basically surrounded yourself with shady-ass characters who, if they were all complicit in this scheme, then you guys were the fall guys, but it's still your fault because you were drawn into their plans. And B, I don't believe it. I think that you were just shady people. Yeah.

If it was one hearing and they went to jail, that would be okay. But it was like a year of them going to court and lying over and over and over and presenting false evidence over and over so fuck off i did love how this ended with ciggy going can't we just hug can you all do it for me can we all just give a group hug and then no one does it they just all ignore her i know um yeah poor ciggy she just wants a happy ending i also thought so during this this segment of like the plight of theresa um when they're talking about andy's like now i'm gonna ask you a question that i know you don't like and you walked off axis how out of it but like you know there's a chance that joe might get deported why does it pain you so much to think about Joe getting deported?

I'm like, are you an idiot? It's her husband. Like, why does it, why is it so hard to think about death sometimes? Huh? And then she's like,

well, uh, and he's like, because you don't want to put it out there. You don't want to give it life. She's like, yeah. She's like,

that's honestly the best answer you've given so far. I'm like, that's cause you said it. She just was like, uh, uh, and he's like that's honestly the best answer you've given so far i'm like that's because you said it she just was like uh uh and he's like thank you theresa judice for agreeing to my words you literally put the words in her mouth that's the best answer i've heard so far like it's this deep question that people are wondering why would a wife be upset when the husband gets deported and why does she not want to talk about it is because the crushing reality is too much to think about and she just really doesn't want to put it out there and one doesn't want to make a bigger

thing than it is and doesn't want her daughters to have to worry about that is that why the reason she got furious on access hollywood was because she told them in the pre-interview she wouldn't talk about it and then they tried to like do a gotcha thing where they made her talk about it and she was like fuck you and she left yeah like yeah come on it was just like such a stupid moment and andy's like thank you theresa it's like shut up andy i wish they did that i wish they did that like glisten thing that they were doing when they were having the theresa very important 18 part interview with theresa about prison and they'd be like but then they're still showing all the glitter from watch what crap ends it's like a wall of

that glitter like yeah very hard-hitting so then um then there's like a brief segment about kathy and rosie which is it's you know the usual stuff like that that to me like my aunt should have never said that comments which is i I'm sick of that, too. If I was the aunt, I would say, but Teresa got such pretty hair. She's such a good girl. You don't even make any sense. No, the aunt did not even say anything that bad. The aunt just said, well, if you do something wrong, I'm going to catch up with you.

Which is not saying anything. And on top of that, it probably was taken out of context. You know, like, I'm sure the aunt said, like,'t you know i don't think she's she uh she did this but if she did then you know if you do something bad it's come back to it's called being a good parent it's called disciplining your child that was a legit rich richie shit stirring moment where he's like so how do you feel about theresa and joe committing a crime and possibly going to prison. And she's like, when you do a bad thing, you have to pay for it. The end. But Teresa has latched

onto that, as if the woman literally accused Joe Giudice of being a child molester and was the one who single-handedly called up the government, is the one who banged down the door. It was just like this lovely old lady who just weighed in with this thought, and now it's like the biggest, you know, all time i mean get get like honestly get over it theresa

never don't come for mike don't come for my kathy and rosie family don't come for me yeah um but then we moved on to vermont nightmare in vermont which you know more of the usual stuff it's like so jacqueline why did you sit on robin and she's like well you know she more of the usual stuff. It's like, so, Jacqueline, why did you sit on Robin? And she's like, well, you know, all she wanted was attention. So I decided I was going to mock her. And then this is like on the heels of her saying, let's not talk about Robin. I don't want to give her any attention. It's like, well, you dumb fuck.

Don't give this. Either you don't give this woman attention or you do. Like, I'm just, you know, I'm just really riled up. I'm riled up. And she's making herself all innocent. She's like, well, I mean, I walk into that dinner and then there's people attacking. Whatever. And then they cut to the dinner and her finger and flicking Melissa's nose and yelling nose jobs over and over again.

Exactly. And once again, she's coming from Melissa's nose. And I actually, in the distorted logic of it all, I support Melissa when she says like, yes, I got a nose job. But it's like that's my secret to share. But she's right. She's right. I mean, you know, like it was – if you're calling someone a friend and if in a moment you're having an argument with someone else and you want your friend to support you and your friend is like not there at that moment, first thing you do is not to be like okay well fine guess what everyone here's all her secrets okay now our friendship is over like that is bullshit jacqueline and i i support melissa

and furthermore i really appreciated teresa who was who just basically looks at jacqueline goes look at a clown-looking face. Look at her clown-looking face. I was like, okay, Teresa, I appreciate that. Then it basically became another thing. Are you going to be friends again? Hey, Jacqueline, don't you remember? You said you're done with three, but when Joe went away

you were crying she's like I'm not a monster I have compassion and then Teresa's crying me it's like now Teresa's crying well this is classic Andy Cohen okay spend you know what it probably at that point had been like six hours of shooting of them screaming yelling for us it was like it was like an hour and a half, hour and 45 minutes of them tearing each other down. And then they're like, OK, but let's remember the good times. Now you guys can be friends again. I'm like, you're so it's so manipulative. It's actually so rude to these these these women who are too dumb to realize they're being manipulated and putting them through that roller coaster. The good thing that came out of it, though, for me was watching Tree at one point try to give a zinger to Jacqueline.

She's like, you know what? She's a wolf in lamb's clothing, but she's a wolf with rabies, which is almost to imply that like it's not bad enough that she's a wolf in lamb's clothing. But like she also has rabies though. Like it's kind of – like a wolf in lamb's clothing, that's kind of cool but but but she's got rabies so don't get fooled she's like a big foot and a justice sweater but with a cold okay theresa we'll put that on a bumper sticker okay your fortune is definitely gonna grow yeah she was really really proud of that singer but the rabies you it? Because it's rabies. You see?

She's like rabid. Oh, go ahead. I'm sorry, Annie. No, I just was going to say rabid. She's a rabid. That girl's a rabies. Let's say goodbye to Jersey. Bye, Jersey.

Bye, bitch. Yes. I'm just trying to see if I had any other straight observations that I really, really felt empowered to make before it's over. I don't know. They just were – as we were saying goodbye to it, they were saying goodbye. And it got to one of those fake places at the very end where Jacklin's like, I just want to be friends. And I just want to be civil. We see each just you know i just want to be like civil where we see each other it's not deep but we just could be civil and you're like yeah that's what i want

to but just don't hurt me and vice versa well i never did hurt you well yes you did no it's like oh my god you two are just awful people go throw yourselves down a staircase when andy's like yeah i mean you guys say you're just going to be civil but if if jacqueline ever had a problem and she needed to call theresa theresa would answer the phone right like yeah of course it's so stupid um and then it all ended with that group hug and andy cohen is sitting there like they're all hugging like none of no one's liking it andy's like like smirking at the camera and he's like nodding his head as if like he's getting the best blowjob in his life right at that moment yeah look at this yeah great season siggy's like how come there was no cellar segment

i brought the trash can lid that i drove over. I wanted to make amends. All right. Let's finish up with a little below deck, shall we be? Oh, yes, please. I love below deck. And this episode was so good to me. At least I loved it. I was so into it because this show, as we've mentioned before, it gets better as it goes along in the season because they get crazier and crazier. And what's even better is that at last Evil Kate has emerged.

And, of course, Evil Kate is actually rational Kate that we love. But to them, she's evil. And I'm like, you know, you people on this yacht, you had it easy all season long. She was in a great mood. She was super happy. But you wanted too much. You poked and prodded too much. And now Classicate is back

you dropped one too many pieces of tombstone on the deck floor and she's back ripped off one too many wall panels and now not only do they have evil kate but they have grouchy lee grouchier than ever before i mean they're fucked oh yeah he calls someone swinging dicks or something in this one i don't want any swinging dicks i better not see a swinging dick anywhere but i think i think the reason why this show always draws me in at this part of the season through i mean every season i'm into it but it's always gets so good it's because i really i feel like the relationships the way things unfold on the show are pretty are real you know like i think it's like the stuff that stage is probably with the

guests but i feel like the shit that they're going through the relationships as they evolve that's those are like real evolving relationships and interactions and i think that that comes through on camera and it translates and we are invested. We're invested when like Kelly is fucking up and Captain Lee is getting angry and angry and then like Nico's being like, man, we get mad. We're like, no, Nico, you've been a spoiled brat because we understand the context of all of it. We we get it. It makes sense. We we we know where all these emotions are coming from on all sides and we feel invested as opposed to as a counterpoint janiece on married to medicine heavenly is like tacky and rude to her and then janiece comes in and she's like she was rude and she's and then she's angry and then it becomes a

scene at a dinner and it feels like it is an over-the-top reaction that's really a little bit more for making a splash on tv than it is a real emotional reaction. That's it. Yeah. I'm with you. Well, we knew this one was going to start. I mean, we knew this was going to be good just because of how it opened, because it starts with Kim, with Kate coming into the master bedroom where Ben is just drunk, passed

out. She's like um excuse me ben i think you should wake up because we need to clean up after you and also the crew might be a little hungry by now and he's like you're not my boss make sure never to tell me what to do oh you tell them but and she finds the broken panel by the $10,000 bathroom. And she's like, Lauren, do you know who broke the panel in the $10,000 toilet bathroom? She's like, whoa, shit, no. And just runs away.

Lauren is such a pussy for acting like she's about to kick everybody's ass all the time. Yeah, Lauren and Nico have really dropped. You know, in my estimation, earlier in the season, I really loved them together. I thought they were so great. And now I, like, can't stand them. They are pieces of shit. Nico, this is all I can hear with Nico. He's got that face.

Yeah. Nico, as I tweeted earlier, Nico, um nico honestly is like where millennials get their reputation from like you can't i don't like the way you're talking to me like that that's so rude like i don't like being talked to like it's what about the respect it's like nico yeah you tore off a wall in a yacht next to a fancy toilet you don't get respect after that. I forgave my boss for talking to me like that. Kyle was trying to jerk off by himself, okay? So the captain here is like, I have my radio, and I hear chatter on it, and I know something's gone wrong.

So now what happened here? Did he say, Kate, what's been going on? My radio's chattering. And then she showed him the panel? Or did she just take him up there and was like, well, what's been going on? My radio's chattering. And then she showed him the panel? Or did she just take him up there and was like, well, here's the panel. No, she was there in the bathroom. And she asked for someone from a deckhand to come into the master bathroom. And it was sort of like a weird request.

Because there's no reason for a deckhand to go into the master bathroom. it was a it was sort of like a weird request because there's no reason for a deckhand to go into the master bathroom and captain lee heard it so captain lee uh headed into the bathroom where kate was so kate was like well look at this this is what happens when people go around my head to with panini toasters because that becomes the big fight or the big point of contention for the rest of it is nico's like kate is satan and she's the one who told the captain fuck her she's she's the root of all evil on this boat and i was like i don't remember that i mean i know it was in this episode but i'm a stoner and i couldn't remember that but also kate's your superior so even if she had ratted you out

that's the way it works because she's your superior and she has obligations to Captain Lee and not to you, Nico. And let me tell you something. The entire time when this was happening, I put on my liberal elite pants and I thought, this is probably what women in the workplace have to deal with all the time. It's not just Kate. Like she is doing her job. She wasn't even being bitchy about it. She was just being matter of fact. The boss came and immediately everyone was like, gosh, a bitch she went out of her way she's the worst

one of them all she's running this entire yacht i was like you know what i bet a lot of women have to deal with this all the time in offices around america and it's not right i tell you it's not right well i would be able to co-sign that except that nico's also doing the same thing to kelly i can't get on the i can't go on the feminism march on this one just because he's a disrespectful prick really to everyone who he works with. Well, no, I still stand by it because he's mad at Kelly because Kelly was yelling at him. But the fact that he has gone above and beyond and been like, Kate's the root of all evil on this boat when that's really not the case. The fact that Kate was unnecessarily drawn into it and like Kelly is doing something like tangibly like offensive to Nico and that he's yelling at Nico. That's something that like tangibly, you know, it's like he's yelling at me and therefore I don't like being yelled at and therefore I don't like Kelly right now.

That makes sense kate though he is pulling her into this scenario because he doesn't have much to go on with kate but he is willing to put that mental to draw those mental dots those lines between those mental dots whatever i'm trying to say and that to me is where where it's coming in there well i will not co-sign that but i will be sexist to you to equal it out and i will be sexist against the male the piece of meat with bad shading nico whose penis outline was showed this weekend with a boner and i have to say not impressive so there there's my little um turning someone into me just to keep it equal yeah but i did enjoy the free ballingness of it all because you know

ever since friggin tame gay adam came on the scene this is all we can talk about is free balling and i also really appreciate the editors of this show working as hard as they can to just get that boner because they have been trying all season to get nico popping out of bed with his boner they do it every season and they finally did it and you know it's episode 11 but you came through so thank you yeah and also thank you to the multiple people who have emailed us and tweeted us the actual boner pictures yeah we appreciate that i think was there was there a gif of it also because i feel like part of it is that you need to see it in motion you know i can make one i have the whole i mean i got it i made a little clip of it just so I could see, like, because everyone had different pictures.

So it's like, how big is the boner? How much of that is nuts? Some of it looked like a fold in his underwear. But if you just go frame by frame, frame by frame through there, you get the full boner. It's average. It's not bad. It's nothing to cry about, but it's nothing to wile about. He sort of looks like he has one of those boners that sticks up, like straight up, you know?

Well, I mean, it was in this. I'm just saying that the boner's not going to be a brand. The boner's not going to be a brand. I do want to talk briefly again about, you know, we're sitting here talking about how he was yelled at. His reaction to Kelly yelling at him was so like above and beyond entitled i mean this is a guy who was not taking any responsibility for the fact that they were totally wasted in the in the guest guest uh the master bedroom in that bathroom tore off a panel of the wall this is a guy earlier in the season was furious at trevor for getting too drunk and being unprofessional and yada yada yada

and kelly yells at him and deservedly so and and nico wants to be spoken to differently like i mean you got to get out of here you you lost that right to be spoken to with like kid gloves on well especially when it was the captain making all the you know he was the one who was getting them i mean he was the one who was bringing down the hammer sorry my english is leaving me but he like, this is not your personal fucking party palace. And how dare you do this? And I told you, if you do this one more time, you're confined. So you're confined.

You're confined to the crew area. Have fun. And then Nico yells at Kelly for that, which makes no sense. And then Kyle's like, it seems like a bit of double indemnity because you can't you can't have someone on trial for murder and they're not claiming the toilet right i'm being conformed into that like you obviously watch like one episode of law and order what you saying ain't double indemnity okay yeah yeah it was it's like you saw one madeline stowe movie and now he knows like everything works listen if ever go blind, don't give me that surgery because I don't want to see a

killer in my eyeballs. That's right. A little blink reference for you. A little 1994 movie starring Madeline Stowe. 97, whatever. The captain starts saying things like, this is when he says, I better not see a swinging dick anywhere. And Kate's like, whoa, I've never seen him like this i'm not sure if i'm

in the trouble group or not somewhere yeah i would have felt that way too like because she was there was she getting yelled at or was she just there to oversee it i think that captain lee was like i think kate's gonna really enjoy me yelling at people so i'm gonna let her have a front row seat i mean the deckhands are talking with ben and that's this is when nico's like kate can go fuck herself she told on us fuck her and ben's like no one even ripped the paddle off it just fell really because yeah from what i remember i know it was a whole week ago but i'm pretty sure you ripped it off when you went in there drunkenly stupid listen i think we all know what happened.

I, of course, did my own little forensic moment on it. I think that someone was on the toilet or sitting on the toilet, and they used the control as leverage to get up, and by doing that, they pulled off the panel. That's what I'm saying. Dun-dun. That was my law and order. Law and order, master bedroom en suite edition.

And Ben is laughing with the deck cams. That was my Law & Order Master Bedroom En-Suite edition. And Ben is laughing with the deck cams. He's like, Well, we'll just have to be good little children today. So, of course, I'm the captain here. There's a twist. Oh, well, I was going to say, there's a twist in all this,

which is that they're confined to crew quarters. And by the way, can I say something? As we we're discussing my new board game shipyard just arrived how appropriate talking about yachts when shipyard arrives um sorry coffee um but uh ben's brother is visiting and they were going to go out that night and get a little bit loose again perhaps with emily and um now it's like well what is Ben going to do but surely surely in his mind it was that they were allowed to leave the boat

but they just had to be back he got it all messed up and he's like well surely the captain didn't mean that by saying that we're going to be confined to crew quarters and we have to be at bed by 10 o'clock surely he meant we can go out until 1am yes surely he only meant we have to be in bed by 10 o'clock, surely he meant we can go out until 1am, yes? Surely he only meant we have to be at bed

if we're on the boat. I mean, I looked at my calendar and I saw that tonight is the time and the place for Dill. Nico's like, uh, wait, oh, this is Nico going off again about Kelly. He's like, I'm so sick of Kelly!

Like, first he was too too soft now he's too hard I just want to shove my finger up his ass you tell him Nico like what a weird he's like I really want to massage his prostate god is it getting hot in here or is it just me

so the captain here has been saying, like, well, of course I'm going out with my brother, darling. And the captain comes in and he's like, hey, just in case there's any confusion, I don't want any swinging dicks and you're going to bed by sundown, all right? And I mean, you're stuck in your quarters downstairs. And he's like, but my brother.

And he's like, well, I can't apply things selectively to you, Ben. He's like, well, can my brother come over? Yeah, to say bye. Which worked out great. Yeah, because then Bubble Butt Brother comes over and he's like, all right, now,

James, come downstairs. We're going to have some caviar. And so they just are sitting there eating caviar and getting drunk. And I found caviar is not affordable, but I found the best affordable caviar. They are being so rich. Like they're – like it's just – and the only reason why I mention that is because Ben broke down in tears on blow-deck med because he didn't want to be seen as that guy who went to boarding schools with the princes and, you know, is from the elite classes of England. And then here he is being like, all right, well, I'm punished, so I guess we'll have to do what all punished people do, is just sit and eat caviar downstairs. The poor people, caviar.

Oh, he's in trouble now. Someone's been a little naughty boy, darling. How classless are we having caviar without blinis? So now we have a guest meeting, and

guess who's back? Dean. But by the way, you forgot to mention how when this was happening, Captain Lee was sitting at the top of the staircase standing guard in his Tommy Bahama shirt, getting angrier and angrier that James was there. It was like 1115 and Captain Lee, with all the restraint that he's ever shown, walks down the quarters and goes, Ben, a word? I just loved the rage that was like he was throttling inside so get your goddamn brother out of the goddamn caviar pit and get him out of the burn already oh the captain was getting so pissed off that he actually got a spot of color in his hair it's like the opposite of how most movies work people go so crazy their hair turns gray and

he's going so crazy he's going to be like black haired By the time he leaves Somewhere that wonky psychic Was like I just got a vibe Captain Lee's sister died I don't even have a sister I was mad about something entirely different I do watch Sister Sister though Not going to lie

One of my favorite shows Wow Those twins They got some talent and i'll tell you one thing i never figured out who was who tr tamara i don't know and i don't care it's probably one of the mysteries of life here both t's are good in my book but i'll tell you one thing if you if tamara ever walks in here saying she's goddamn tia guess what she's getting a one-way ticket back to Twinville. That's what I say.

I like straight shooters on here. So today's guest is Dean, who's the most awful aging gay ever. He's in below-deck history of being one of the worst gays, and he's also on the planet as being one of the worst gays. Like, just terrible. He's like everything we're all horrified to become one day except for the rich part yeah his his big thing is that he shows up now once a season uh i think this is like his moment to be a star i think i think he's under the impression that like everyone loves him although kate seems to really love him but uh this time this time he didn't even try to to hide and he just was like you know what i'm just bringing a whole bunch of

hot gay young kids this is now the third week in a row where a whole bunch of like hot gay guys have been just like brought along like little pets and you know what i'm not mad at it oh these gays but you know these gays made me crazy in the way that like they're so hot like they're so hot when women on real housewives marry really rich people and then they become really snotty, like they actually did something to earn that money. I really fucking hate that. And when these guys were sitting down at dinner, the one in the Madonna hat was like, and he kept giving like looks about every little thing.

Like, you don't know what fucking caviar is. Madonna hat. You have never had it before. So why don't you just shut up and stop pretending like you actually did something for this money, other than swallow a half load. Yeah. My favorite one was the guy who looked like a

short, brown-haired version of Chris Hemsworth. He was my favorite. They were all the same, and I like that Dean had that little tiny one. He was like, Oh my God, god dean you're amazing wait hold on i'm gonna take an instagram of you sitting down at the dinner okay wait don't sit yet okay i'm taking it okay you can start to sit it's like oh disgusting you're all pieces of shit

get off my tv i i'm starting to resent the fact that they seem to be inviting just boatloads of gays onto these yachts, and we have yet to get the golden ticket. I wouldn't do that. I would be terrified. I would sew, like, ten beach towels together and just wear that. I'd be like that fat girl from the Instagram episode. I'm like, you look great in the pool. Oh, I mean, for sure, I would be dressed up like an an eskimo but i still want to go on a yacht could you imagine it must have smelled like butt on there and i don't mean from the gay sex i just

mean that many people on one boat like where is everybody pooping how many toilets are on that boat there was like 10 people i think that at this point the producers sort of know what's what what guests make for the best tv they're like okay we're either gonna have um a whole bunch of like basic bitches or we're gonna have a whole bunch of gay guys jump flirting around you know that's that's what we're gonna do flittering around um and i even hate the word basic bitch i actually really hate that phrase but sometimes you just gotta say it uh so they uh they start eating their first meal and this is where Dean is the most obnoxious. Dean's obnoxious all the time.

He's like a quad of yachting. He's just so fucking obnoxious when it comes to food. So Ben makes them eggs with caviar on top. And he goes, double eggs. It's like eggs on eggs. And then one of them's like yeah tragic story and they're like and they're like send it back dean send it back be naughty dean go ahead be dean we love it i'm like you guys do not love it you know you go home

every day like why did his penis taste like old spice and how many times do i have to like sit there and pretend i think it's funny when he's abusing the waiters in every applebee's we go to yeah so then they so this is like lunch and and ben is talking about how nervous he is because dean is such a difficult hey he's a demanding uh you know not customer but like diner and and the only time ben ever messes up when is when he's serving dean and of course kate is like smirking in the corner she's like well i like dean she's the he's the only one who keeps ben accountable you know so kate's just like sitting there like waiting for the disaster to happen so so dean is like um can i have a word with ben

please and ben comes out there and he's like you know ben when i saw you i was like pretty disappointed i was pretty nervous because i knew you'd, when I saw you, I was like pretty disappointed. I was pretty nervous because I knew you'd be cooking shit food for me. I was like, OK, well, that's that's nice. You entitled asshole. And then he's like, but this lunch was amazing. That's so Dean. He abuses everybody and acts like an asshole.

So when he says one decent thing, everyone's like, oh, Dean, you're so lovely. Yeah. It's like, oh, wow. wow like is this supposed to be like a seminal moment in ben's career like who the fuck cares if you think it's amazing just give him a good tip speak with your money darling now i don't know if this is actually from this episode or if it's just because it was another gay episode but i started laughing when the captain got on the radio and he's like all right ke, break out all the toys. LOL. So they do.

And the guys start going swimming. And they're all in these tiny little Speedos. And they're like, ah! Who was it, Kyle or Nico? One of them goes, those guys. I think it was Nico. He goes, those guys. It's like the cast of that movie, The 300. And then it cuts to one of the gay

guys going i always wanted a group douche that was the hot guy that i liked who said that oh to be fair i one of my favorite parts of that movie was when there was a group douche i was like i mean you know if you had maybe next time you should have been a little stinkier and then you would have been captured by the Gerard Butler army. They'd be like, you know what? We don't need to take over

this little town. So Kate goes downstairs. She's like, I'm going to be taking a break. So Emily, you're on. And she's like, all right,

Ben, if I were an animal, what kind of animal would I be? And he's like, a monskin. You like, a munchkin. He'd be a munchkin. She's just like waiting for him to say rabbit.

But if I were more, if I had long ears, what sort of rabbit would I be? I mean, animal? I think that you would probably be the most adorable horse with long ears. No. Say it, Ben. Say it. All right, you're a rabbit daddy he called me a rabbit

so uh the boys want to drink because they put forth like five minutes of energy and they're like i need to drink girl i'm like me too and so specifically they want a skinny girl margarita let's oh god just hand them a bottle like why does anybody even need to be on service just give them a bottle it's pre-mixed yeah so um there's no there's no um there's no what do you call them stew out there to to take a drink or i don't know where sierra is probably burning several sheets downstairs and emily is just in the kitchen and a little like wonderland moment chopping carrots or like you know have like thinking about scrumpets this is when she's having that flirty conversation we just had with ben yeah yeah no exactly and but she was still like she was like fiddling with something in the corner you know and this she was just in english fairyland and um

uh and so captain lee sees the gays are restless and he's like can we get a server can we get someone to serve them up here and radioing and emily's not listening and kate's sitting there like on her bed she's like just finally sat down to look at pinterest or something for like future ideas for things to do with pebbles and seashells on tablescapes. And Kate's like, fine. Well, the FaceTime isn't working anyway, so... So she goes upstairs and just does it, and she tells Ben, Emily, she says something

like, you know, like, I'm glad that you're happy, but you're distracting your girlfriend too much. And he's like, what are you talking about? Emily's the best second stew kate's ever had she runs this entire boat like no she doesn't i mean emily does seem very good comparatively yeah like come on yeah but like yeah she's not out there with the gaze like a good stew should be this is what kate did to herself okay kate started this and now kate has to live

with this do not hook people up because when they become couples they're a hundred times more obnoxious than they were single exactly and well the only reason why she did it was because kate was happy and you know kate just cannot be happy like's just not how – that's not how to be an effective stew. Like she needs to be like mildly perturbed at all times. Then she gets it done. But she was a little bit too happy earlier in the season. And what did she do when she was a little too happy? She put two people together and made them into assholes.

Yes, and she ruined her own life. So now there's a flower delivery from the little whatever you call it, the dinghy. What do they call it? The tender. So basically – tender or the tinder tinder i don't remember i think tinder so there's a flower delivery and there are these huge flowers because now ben has learned how to get flowers from kate so he orders like a tree worth of flowers and the captain was ridiculous captain could see it from it was on land that the captain could see it from the boat, this giant bouquet. He's like, watch the bow, please. God damn it, didn't you hear when I said

watch the bow, please? And Kelly's like, sorry, sir. Sorry, sir. Kelly crashed the tender into the yacht. The captain's like, God damn it! Captain. For the Captain Yells at Kelly segment of the day,

there's actually two today, but he goes, So, Kelly segment of the day. There's actually two today. But he goes, so, Kelly, who the fuck died? Was it your dignity? Because that I can understand. He's like, oh, those are flowers for Emily. And he's like, I could give a goddamn Fruit Loops shit face ding dong about the flowers. That would be further along here. I'm going to make some alterations.

Yeah, and poor Kelly is like, all I did was pick up these flowers. Like, I do feel bad for Kelly, but Kelly is a little too nice. You probably should have told Ben, no, I'm not getting those. But like, God, Kelly is getting it from all sides. The poor guy.

Someone should just go and massage that beautiful penis of his. And when they're giving Kelly shit, like from here, he doesn't look like he's doing that bad of a job. Yeah. Like, normally they make them look worse. So, I don't know. Yeah. But, um.

I don't know. Because he, I feel so bad for him. He's got, like, these deckhands that don't respect him because they're spoiled brats. He's got a captainly coming down from, like, every single thing. Like, you forgot to clean the windows again. You picked up some flowers instead. How are the flowers going to clean up the goddamn windows over there? And then, you know, crashing.

He's so flustered. He's like crashing the boat into the yacht. He's like can't do anything right. And, well, you know, just gets worse for Kelly on this episode. It would be better if you just took off your shirt. Okay. When in doubt, take off your shirt. It really would be better if you just took off your shirt okay when in doubt please do please do so emily has a talk with kate because she's like i have a feeling that kate isn't happy with me because earlier i said are you happy with me and she said no and then she threw a

pencil at my face she basically goes to have a talk with Kate, and Kate's like, what? Well, and basically – and by the way, this stems from the fact that Kate was like, so, Emily, I am really busy making Chinese New Year's decorations. So you're going to have to do some – you have to be on wait service. And Emily's like, oh, no, I think she's mad at me. That doesn't seem normal. Kate is making origami candles, which just sounds like she's possibly trying to kill us all. Does anyone else think Kate might be upset? Kate's like, I will burn down this boat. Yes, I will.

I'm a little concerned because normally for dinner service, Kate puts out pebbles and instead she's putting out little red lights. I don't understand it. I think she's furious at me. And when she asks her, Kate's like, well, I was frustrated because I was downstairs trying to jerk off to FaceTime and had to come up to poor skinny girl from the bottle. And I was mad, but I'm okay now.

She's like, don't feel better. Glad we had this talk. Yeah, but then Emily jumps on the Kate hate bandwagon and she basically telling Ben, you know, like, I think it's because she's upset because you and I are happy or something to that effect. She's like, yeah, everybody in America is really jealous of your hug relationship. Ben has his own fish to fry, though, or to boil in this case. He's making this dinner. And the first thing that he makes, I don't remember. Oh, it was like a Chinese thing with an Asian guacamole.

I'm so proud of Asian guacamole. I hope that was blended. It looked delicious, actually. And so that goes up with that. So everything's going well for Ben. He's making up for previous mistakes on previous charters. But then he did a very top chef thing which is that he pulled out this he pulled out this like soup he was making this seafood soup

which also looks quite delicious but he tried to cool it down by putting ice into it and he diluted it and it was all flavorless and all the guys like yeah it's flavorless i don't have any flavor right dean yeah there's no flavor no flavor right it looked like he was gonna barf i'm like i'm sure you swallowed worse and then dean's like guys, we should do a Vegas night. I'm never at my house there. We get it, Dean. They can't run away, Dean, okay? They already know you're a rich old queen.

They still hear, Dean. Stop trying, Dean. Yeah, seriously. So Ben is now just like, he's spiraling downward because he's under seasoned broth. Out of what? Out of over 100,000 dishes, I've never had one sent back. I was like, really? Because I remember someone requesting, didn't that vegetarian chick, the gluten-free vegetarian whatever, whatever, send something back? I believe she sent everything back. This has protein in it.

So things were going bad on that front. But then I believe then it's like the next day, right? And Kelly – oh, well, now there's a scuttlebutt because Kelly thinks he's going to get demoted. And everyone's talking about like, oh, Kelly's going to get demoted. But the next morning, Kelly gets called into Captain Lee's quarters. And Captain Lee's like, go get him, tiger. He's like,

whoa. Yeah, pretty much. Pretty much. Hey, guess what came in the mail today? Another chance. Here's a hug.

All right. Best luck. Best of luck to you. Next time you're in real trouble. You got a one way ticket to my heart, Kelly. Come sit on daddy's lap. Now let's talk about all the goddamn awful things that aren't happening

today. Great work, little boy. So Emily gets her birthday flowers and he's like, Ben's like, yeah, really? Like,

I love them, Ben. And they like do this, like closed mouth kissing things. And then they show right behind them the captain's like yeah he's just staring he's i want i just want to mention by the way that at the top of the episode emily's like it's my birthday in two days they're like oh she's like but don't do anything for me i'd rather not have anything for me like i don't do anything please

please ben don't do something for my birthday. Shut up, Emily. Girls get sick of flowers, by the way, really quickly. He cannot get her flowers again because she's going to be like, great. So you're going to get me flowers every time. She seems to like it, though. She's very down-nappy. She's like, oh, heavens. Here I got more flowers and they're my favorite kind. It's like she just lost her virginity.

She's like, these flowers are bigger than the last flowers. I might be pregnant. my favorite kind. You know, it's like she just lost her virginity. She's like, these flowers are bigger than the last flowers. Oh, I might be pregnant. Sierra also wrote her a very nice note in big font, big handwritten font. She writes like a five-year-old. Someone also tweeted us the whole letter. It's kind of cute.

Yeah, I started to read it and then I was like, it was like, I hope you have a beautiful birthday because you are a beautiful person on this special day. There's not enough juice that I couldn't juice for you, for you to feel more special. I'm sorry. I don't know how to spell, but at least these big bubble letters will make you feel better. Birthday, older, session, 240.

Burn sheets. Burn sheets. So let's see here. He just makes her put him in the walk-in. But only on this show would flowers become a drama. Yeah, because it looks— I can't walk in the walk-in, But only on this show would flowers become a drama. Yeah, because it looks... I can't walk in the walk-in, Ben, because there's this tree of flowers.

You're the one who taught me about flowers, don't I? I know. So Kelly is feeling great. He's feeling optimistic. He's saying, like, Captain Lee's in a great mood. Today's going to be a great day. I think everything's going to be A-OK. So they're going to take the gays to the baths.

Always a recipe for disaster if you know what I'm saying. But the baths are like a natural feature on the island. So Kelly and Nico take the tender, take the little – the intrepid. They take it over to the mainland. And as they're getting off the boat and they're taking all their like coolers all their snacks and stuff um to the little taxi thing we see kelly tell nico okay the keys are are at the top of one of these coolers and as soon as he says that i just tense up i'm like oh no this is gonna be terrible they don't mention like this show, they don't give you anything for no reason.

Everything that they put on screen has a purpose, whether it's the editors being like, hey, look at this stupid asshole or, uh-oh, something's about to go wrong. So when Kelly says the keys are in the cooler, I am like, uh-oh, they're going to lose the keys. This is going to be a major, major problem. I don't know what's going to happen, but I had my fingers over my eyes the rest of the episode the the plan was to just take them out they were gonna go swimming and then they were gonna come back but it's like a 45 minute drive or yeah drive it's like i will not do that it sounds like hell so instead you're gonna take us there then you're gonna come get us on another boat and we're gonna swim to the boat so instead you're gonna take us there then you're gonna come get us on another boat and we're gonna swim to the boat and then you're gonna take that boat back to the boat

like oh you're awful and i hope moby dick is still alive to take your stupid ass out of my face so then of course kelly gets back to the back to the car to drive to the boat to get the boat to pick up dean and they've lost the keys and he's like oh shit what do i do i'll call the captain yeah well basically the dilemma is that at the very last minute and i saw this happening i was like fuck they like kelly and nico swapped coolers and then the producers put up a time stamp that said 308 i was like uh-huh i've watched one too many amazing races to know how this is gonna end up once you start putting the time stamps that means it's about to get real bad and sure enough kelly when he swapped the the coolers he wound up getting nico's

um like uh walkie talkie and giving nico the keys and kelly gets back to this thing so kelly knows that if he takes the taxi back to nico and then takes the taxi back to the boat that in and of itself is an hour and a half and then he starts to go over to them and that's gonna take too long so the easiest thing is that he has to call up captain lee and say there was a mishap and captain lee has to take the little dinghy out to pick up uh the gaze and while he's saying this i'm just like my heart is breaking for poor kelly everything seemed like it was going well and this is the exact sort of like disaster thing and the funny thing is what i love about this show is that you feel that it's a disaster if you just told someone oh yeah there was this thing and then he left the key so someone else had to take a boat out it's like oh okay

but because we're so invested at this point you're like oh he has to tell captain lee you know and that you feel it i love it the captain is so pissed at this point he's leaning so far back in his chair i can't believe that shit doesn't fall over because in his testimonials he's always leaning back you know he's like, here's what I think. Could you get closer to the camera? What? At this point he's practically laying down. He's doing the pregnant

candy burra stance. It goes further and further back. And he's like, wow, there's never a dull moment when you got a bunch of idiots around. Talk about a dick swinging right in your face. What a goddamn jelly joke.

Yeah. Well, we will find out what happens next week, because it was a cliffhanger, but it does not look good for Kelly. Well, you can't fire someone for losing keys, can you? I hope not. I hope not, too. But, I mean, he's not going to fire Kelly because there's no one to take his place.

And there's only, like, one episode left or two episodes left. I think if anyone gets fired, it's going to end up being Nico or Lauren. It's going to be one of those things, like, with Rocky last season of, like, well, i want to fire fire him but we're just too shorthanded we only have one more charter left so we're just gonna ride it through and i'm just gonna yell at him the rest of the way or maybe they can fire ben and then bring the other chef back yeah leon they're good at switching out those lamp cheeks yeah it's like i brought my own cooler it's got some frozen swordfish from a few months ago they'll love it i brought my own dehydrator don't touch the box i've decided to serve avocado with skin on

i've decided to serve avocado pureed like at subway well that brings us to the end of watch what Crap Ends. Thank you, everybody, for listening. We will be back next week with Real Housewives of Orange. Wait, did we already finish Orange County? No, we saw part three, right? The Orange County actually had a good season, so it gets a third reunion installment because we get to talk about Ireland again. But we don't talk about New Jersey. So we'll be back to talk about, I guess, Tuesday will be OC, Atlanta, and Vanderpump Rules.

Yeah, so we will see you then. Bye, everybody. So long, everyone. Bye. Hey Prime members, you can listen to Watch What Crappens ad-free on Amazon Music. Download the Amazon Music app today. Or, you can listen ad-free with Wondery Plus in Apple Podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at wondery.com slash survey. Okay.