Watch What Crappens - #353: RHOBH Premiere - Panic at the Disco

Episode Date: December 9, 2016

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills is back! We've got over an hour of recapping coverage: from Dorit to Studio 54, Boy George to Erika's Chagall. We go deep into all of it. Afterwards, we turn our attention to "Ladies of London," which has more gift shop drama than you could even imagine. (And yes, we're very sad that we couldn't name this episode "Brexit Through The Gift Shop." Alas, RHOBH must be the lead story!) Here are the time codes: 00:00:00 - Intro 00:07:08 - Crappens Mailbag! 00:19:29 - Tipsy Elves! 00:21:04 - Real Housewives of Beverly Hills premiere! 01:27:23 - Ladies of London! Subscribe at https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/watch-what-crappens/id498130432?mt=2 Support us at patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens Follow us at facebook.com/watchwhatcrappens Visit us at watchwhatcrappens.com See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

From Wondery and Audible comes Class of 88, a new podcast hosted by Will Smith. Before 1988, a lot of people didn't take hip-hop seriously. But hip-hop today touches everything from film to fashion to sports. So what changed? Follow Class of 88 wherever you get your podcasts. Watch what crap is. Watch what crap is. Who cares what happens when there's so much that crap happens? What happens? What happens?

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I'm Ben Mandelker from bsideblog.com and the Banter Blender podcast. And joining me today, live and in person here at the Improv, the world famous Improv in Los Angeles, California, also known as Hollywood. It's Ronnie Karam from TrashTalkTV.com and the Rose Pricks Bachelor podcast. He's waving to the audience, not really in an Evita style, but just sort of, just generally waving. It's like a general parade float. Like,

I work at the car dealership. My dad made me get on this parade float. It's like a, it's a beauty queen thing. But we do have a little bit of an audience. We have Maria, our trusty producer, who's now waving back to us. They're just waving at each other.

There's a lot of like, nonverbal communication slash chemistry. Everything I needed. So this is a very exciting day for us because we're in person. But also because today we're going to be covering the season premiere of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, which is always a cause for celebration. And then we're going to talk about Ladies of London. This episode we

are not talking about below deck that's because that's going to be its own separate episode with kate chastain and hot hot kelly so possibly possibly possibly meaning possibly he'll be there not possibly that he's hot that's verified that he's hot yeah he's legit hot so we especially because it's just a phone conversation so anybody can be as hot as we need them to be on the phone that's what i always say which is why that industry's still doing so well that's why there's a movie called girl six um so anyway anyway um so keep an eye out on uh on your inboxes or your itunes or wherever you're listening for that episode to roll on through because that'll be fun.

It'll be like a recap sort of the finale slash conversation. Are they doing a reunion this year for Below Deck? No, because we had talked to Kate earlier about coming on again because she came on at the beginning of the season. And so we were talking about her coming on again at the end of the season and I was just waiting for reunions, you know, because I figured that's the best time when everyone's fighting. And then we could be like, LOL, Lauren's ball gown. But I just happened to see on Twitter that they're not doing a reunion this year.

So it's like, OK, let's do that. Yeah, that's kind of it's a little shocking, actually. So one of you guys on Twitter did it. They're like, hey, you guys should go on to talk, you know, be the heads of departments. Maybe we should verify. Maybe there is a reunion. Maybe the Twitter user was wrong. No, it was Kate who said there's no reunion.

She's like, there's no reunion, but you could buy my audio book. Well, guess what? The reunion is happening, and it's happening on Watch for Crappins, and it's only with two people, but it's still going to be a reunion. We'll still have the captain weigh in on things. Where's the goddamn reunion? You know what? I don't want to wear another goddamn name tag to another goddamn reunion, okay? Goddamn unacceptable.

Drag my dick through a mile of broken glass. So it's going to be a special treat for you below deck heads. Reunited, and it feels unacceptable. Reunited and it feels like there's a goddamn dirty window here. So anyway, bust out your favorite slide or critter free pool because the Watch What Crappens Below Deck reunion will be happening sometime very soon. Also, I'm going to advertise myself rondall carom that is my name dds uh every year i've been writing recaps every year for every episode rather every season for real housewives of beverly hills i'm doing it again

at trash talk tv and now there's an audiobook version so so get over there. It doesn't hurt what happens on the podcast. It's literally like some fat gay dude somewhere reading you a stupid recap. And that's me. So go listen to them. They're great. You can find it on iTunes. Just look up Trash Talk TV, Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. That's me, Rondall. Yeah.

And that's a great segue into our housekeeping segment, which is that you all should be, a great segue into our housekeeping segment, which is that you all should be, in addition to doing Rondall's recaps, you could also be subscribing. You could also be subscribing to Watcher Crappens on iTunes, which is great because

it helps us grow our podcast. And then when these shows are live, they just will magically appear in your iTunes, which is fun. You can go to WatcherCrappens.com to find out how to follow us on various social media, like at iTunes, which is fun. You can go to watchacrappens.com to find out how to follow us on various social media, like at Twitter, which is at what crappens. I mention that specifically because we've been

subtly shamed recently about how low our social numbers are. We are trying to dig our way out of that shame hole of low social. Follow us there. Of course, Facebook is... low social so um so follow us there um and of course facebook is a good way oh well ronnie ronnie well what ronnie can't wait for you just just you'll hear what he can't wait for very

shortly um but um facebook.com forward slash watch for crap ends where we have this big fun active community patreon.com slash watch for crap ends where you can um support the podcast which is really helps us helps us keep our own our own little lights on um and uh you get access to a bonus episode every week a monthly google hangout um and you can submit questions to the crabman's mailbag which is coming up shortly and there are other perks and bonuses um do we have a we we have uh oh we already mentioned our super premium subscriber on tuesday so yeah but we we thank everyone who um who is i'll just say it again chrissy daugherty there i said it i love you babe i let it out she got two mentions this week all right wrap it up that's it that's all i have to say you did it i was wrapped i was

already planning to wrap it up you see that's how controlling i am like wrap it up. That's it. That's all I have to say. You did it. I was already planning to wrap it up. You see, that's how controlling I am. Like, wrap it up and it's over. I'm like, this movie is going to end right now while the credits are rolling. He didn't realize the wrap was up. So that's it. So why don't we move on to our dear old favorite segment of all. What has it been?

The Krappen's Mailbag. I'm playing the music right now, but you can't hear it. I hear it in my head. Do you hear it in your head? Yeah. I hear it. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. Okay.

Well, just pretend you heard it. It's fine. We play it enough as it is. Oh, the audience wasn't hearing it? I thought you meant me because I can't wear the headphones. I played it right now and it. It's fine. We play it enough as it is. Oh, the audience wasn't hearing it? I thought you meant me because I can't wear the headphones. I played it right now and it didn't come through. But it's not a big deal. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, it's just like 10 seconds of church bells and dinosaurs. I thought you meant I couldn't read it because I refuse to wear headphones because I can't hear my own voice without cutting myself on my inner thighs. And that's why I talk really loud and Ben talks like he's on NPR. It's the live setup, okay? When we do the live setup, I do become more NPR-voiced. It's true.

I like it. I like it too. At the $19.99 level, you'll also get a sweater in the special DVD collection. I feel more controlled. I feel like I am able to get my words out better when we're in person.

I think when we're on Skype, something happens, and I become overstimulated and I start sputtering out sentences and stammering and I can't get the word flows right and I just sound crazy and say things like I like I listen to it back I hear myself I understand people I apologize but in person I feel cool as a cucumber I sound like my voicemail. Hi, it's Ronnie. The Memphis girl everything. I'm like, no, I'm going to gay bash my own voicemail, okay? Keep these headphones away from me.

So we have a very appropriate question. The first question here in the mailbag comes from Danielle Riley. He says, you guys were talking about rum chata the other day, and it reminded me of my favorite drink it's a shot of fireball whiskey and a shot of rum chata shake with ice it's delish anyways congrats on your sorority dude and by the way benjamin cohen chimes in and and he replied to it by saying pumpkin teeny one of vanilla vodka, half an ounce of rum chata, half an ounce of pumpkin spice liqueur, sprinkle with cinnamon, top with whipped cream. And then just like shut yourself in a closet and never emerge again.

Okay, here's my recipe. Just pass out. Yeah, here's my recipe. This is for Christmas at Home by Rondall. Put a straw in a sky bottle, lean back, okay the end well lola del rio also chimed in on this rum topic and she has a dissenting opinion she says y'all isn't right i i had a friend bring a bottle of that over for my birthday last year and let's say and i have no idea what she makes it with but it looked like coagulated jizz. Hashtag truth. But y'all do you. XOXOXO.

Well, guess what? We have the rum chata here as we speak because it's a special day. We've been told by, I've been told twice this week by two different people, Matt Woodfield and Marcos Loevanos, that rum chata is absolutely delicious in coffee. And we are both sitting here with iced coffee. Rondall, when he said he couldn't wait anymore, he could not wait to put the rum chata in his coffee. So he's done it. I'm going to put it in now.

And we're going to have a live. Because I wanted to. I mean, the rum chata is delicious. Never had it. It actually is delicious in coffee. But I was being rushy because I just wanted to drink my coffee. I was like, I don't want to finish it and then just be drinking that because then I'm an alcoholic, you know? Well, I've now added it in.

I don't know how much is appropriate amount. I put in what I think looks like a good douse. I'm now stirring it up. Have you taken a sip yet of it? Yeah, it's delicious. Okay, I'm going to try it. Ooh, that is tasty. It's lovely with coffee.

It really is. This is the kind of drunk I can be, where you can have it in the morning and not feel bad. You know I'm always on the search for a good home creamer, because I can't be doing the Starbucks, just because I have some self-respect. It's like every day, okay? But I can't find the perfect creamer. This is actually it. It is delicious.

And maybe it will get fucked up. Who knows? Who's going to get fucked up? It's going to get fucked up. Cow. Cow. Kim Richards is coming back to Beverly Hills, so it's an appropriate time to be getting fucked up at work.

You know, it is the holidays. It is the season for rum chata. Just like Jesus said, y'all. Yeah, it's Caribbean rum. He's like, they know not what rum chata just like jesus said y'all yeah it's caribbean rum he's like they know not what rum chata they drink okay so let's get on to our next question from the crappins mailbag from bob hoolahan he says ben and ronnie my little gay heart melts for you both because you're both adorable oh thanks um what do you think bethany dor, and Ramon's speech would be at the Countess' wedding?

Also, can you please wish my amazing sister, Megan D. Ramondi, good luck on her nursing school finals. Love you both. Well, I mean, Megan D. Ramondi, I mean, you're going to pass it. You're going to be amazing. You're certainly going to be better than Rachel from Marriage Medicine Houston. Oh, I think that dorinda will be like it's just that they just take the mic away from me she'll be like dinging something that's not dingable like she won't even pick up the glass she'll pick up like the flowers in the center

of the table and the specs Do you have the trolley? This is the time that me and John were in the Olive Garden Queens. And I remember introducing Luann and D'Agostino. There were a couple. I saw them. I was like, you're the one beneath my wings. Like, so you're just going to stand there and take credit for everything. Well, I mean, we sort of got a glimpse of it, actually, when she gave a toast at the engagement party. And she's like, listen, I just want to say something about these two okay there are two people there are two peas

in a pot you gotta have pots okay it's like a cure it's like life is a cure you gotta have a pie but sometimes a pot of coffee is what you want and it takes a pot with the beans you know and you gotta grow the beans and we're all growing the beans and the lans and the things. He doesn't want to order edamame before he gets into it. That's what I want. At least two both order edamame at the dinner. But it's a drought. You can't have too many beans. It's too many.

It's growing a lot of water. I think, I just like to think of Luan's actual vows. Because I think Luan's just going to be like, Can you believe it, girls? The vow is to be to the audience. Would you believe it? Tom just made a vow to me. I vow to remind everyone here that could you believe it?

Can you believe it, girls? Tom just rhymed love with above. Can you believe it, girls? Luckiest girl in the world. I feel like Bethany's speech would be like, yeah, okay, so what's the matter? What's going on? Like, I've got to give a speech now? Like, I'm supposed to give a speech at this war?

Like, she's terrible. She sleeps with everyone. He sleeps with everyone. They don't mind. They're more upset that he was caught in public than anything else. And I'm giving a speech? Okay, fine. Okay, also, happy love.

Happy life. You know, like, it doesn't work out for everyone. It didn't work out for me. I mean, like, it's the worst thing ever. But, like, you know what? Whatever you do, it's your brand. I mean, I don getting a speech. Okay, fine. Okay, also, happy love. Happy life. You know, like, it doesn't work out for everyone. It didn't work out for me. I mean, like, it's the worst thing ever. But, like, you know what? Whatever you do, it's your brand. I mean, I don't get it. Like, I wouldn't do it.

I wouldn't get married again. Like, I don't know. Like, you know, honestly, if you ask me about getting married, like, my mom's going to be up. Like, honestly, like, kill me now. Like, honestly, like, just, like, take me over to the cake, slit my throat, and put all the blood on the cake. And just make it a red cake. Okay, a red velvet cake. Red Bethany cake.

Like, literally, I can't. It's my brand. Ramona will be like i have pictures okay it's when tom was at this bar making out with this person and i saved the pictures on my phone because i just want the win to know at least you didn't find out about this on page six okay i remember when i married mario it was so beautiful it was in page six but in a good way okay all right no one will actually say anything about luann yeah i guess bethany will because she's like a stupid whore yeah well i can imagine ramona saying whoa this is crazy this wedding it reminds me of when i got

married to mario and everyone was there even geraldine parsons smith and she said this is the worst wedding i've ever been to in my life. Where are the cocktails? And I said, I can't help you with that. I've got to take pictures with Mario. And then she went, and she had a tantrum. And to this day, I said, I'd never invite Geraldine Parsons-Smith back to another wedding. But I think this is a great wedding, because I think it's wonderful that Sonya's here.

Here to support her ex-lover of 12 years, Tom D'Agostino. At least she didn't have to find out about this wedding on page six, okay? Okay? At my wedding, they wanted to throw rice at me and I was like, Cobbs, are you crazy? And so my father just threw a noodle at my head and that was it. And then a pigeon ate the noodle and just died on the spot. And I said, Dad, I can't believe you killed the pigeon. And he said, you know what? Go deal with it, Ramona. And that's what I've done. I just deal with it.

But if I see a dead pigeon, I deal with it, okay? My father wouldn't even walk me down the aisle. I was like, Dad, do you want to walk me down the aisle? And he said no. So he just stood in the back of the aisle and called me fat the whole time I walked down the aisle. It was so rude, okay? You know what I had to do? I had to go to the supermarket and get a little cart.

And I put a picture cut out of my dad in the cart. And I pushed the cart down the aisle. And I said, this is my dad walking me down the cart. But in reality, I was pushing him down the aisle. And it wasn't even him. It was just a cutout of him in a shopping cart, okay? And it was still mean to me. The cardboard cutout.

That's how I met Tom D'Agostino. Because I took it from his store. But then it turns out it wasn't even his store. It was mine the entire time. It met Tom D'Agostino because I took her from his store. But then it turns out it wasn't even his store. He was lying the entire time. It was another D'Agostino. What are they,

the Smiths of Manhattan? It's like crazy. And it took forever to go down the aisle because the wheels had locked up because we went out of the parking lot.

I'm sorry, but everyone had to wait. She got stuck. So stupid. All right, what else is in that mailbag um okay how they have those fucking things with the whole foods but they don't even give you enough distance to get to your car they like it's like 10 feet from the entrance and all

these old ladies are like god damn it captain leaves all the captain like, God damn it! Captain leaves. All the captain leaves. She's like, God damn it. We're not even out of the goddamn parking lot in this goddamn car. Caught up. Well, that's how bad people are in LA is stealing carts. Okay. So, here's one from Jackie Flavin.

Very simple. She says, smells like Chateau Charest. And she also says, love you guys. Oh my God, Chateau Charest and she also says love you guys oh my god Chateau Charest I think Chateau Charest always smells like toasted pop tarts and like

glue from a glue gun you know like when you have a glue gun heated and you can smell that burning rubber smell I feel like it smells like Benjamin Moore paints with um a lean cuisine that's been left out i think it smells like sandalwood and peach febreze and um not weed but like the vape weed you know there's a different smell for vape weed and caro's like i'm not smoking i'm not doing anything but it's like that slight vape weed i think it smells like sawdust and cranberry juice i think it smells like spilled dishwasher detergent i think it smells like spilled windex that has seeped into the detergent and also there is

perhaps like a dead bat upstairs i think it smells like musky mail because of like the one guy she keeps bringing over from Home Depot every morning to like fix the back door or whatever. And gum. Because I feel like Sharae always has gum. I feel like it smells like library and also also cilantro. And a little bit of burning hair, because you know she's always ironing a wig or something up there. Well, I guess I could go back to the same. Maybe that's why it smells like

the glue gun. It's like always something synthetic burning in that house. There's always something. No one knows what it is. She's like, you got a fire's like you got a fire hazard you got a fire hazard you got a glue gun you got a bug

that's right is there anything in there there's others but we'll get to next week well close your eyes man I'm gonna play that I'm gonna play it

but I'm not I'm gonna play it from here uh oh do you hear it everyone dong dong dong dong mm mm yeah I don't know if you could hear that but that's fine Oh. Do you hear it, everyone? Dun, dun, dun, dun. Mm-mm, yeah. I don't know if you could hear that, but that's fine.

Hey, guys. Just have to interrupt this podcast very briefly because, you know what? Everyone needs an ugly sweater this time of year. A Christmas sweater, perhaps. Or maybe a Hanukkah sweater. Either way, it's got to be ugly. Especially if you want bragging rights. Well, guess what?

There is Tipsy Elves. And they have hundreds of Christmas sweater designs, and they've got light sweaters, and they've got onesies, and they've got socks and underwear and all sorts of fun stuff. I recently got myself a very awesome sweater, which arrived last week, super comfy, and even more importantly, I got some really awesome Hanukkah socks that are yellow with light blue menorahs, and I've already received many compliments on them.

Why am I telling you this? Because they have, Tipsy Elves has all these new 2016 sweaters, and you won't find them anywhere else. They are all about fun, but they're serious on quality and construction. So here's the deal. Our listeners get 20% off tipsyelves.com. On anything you order, I mean, people, holidays are around the corner. 20% off, everyone. Shop now so you have the best selection to choose from and have it in time for your ugly Christmas sweater party.

Here's what you do. Go to tipsyelves.com. Enter our code CRAPPINS at checkout, at checkout, to get your 20% site-wide discount. Okay, that's 20%. That's like real, guys. So remember, go to tipsyelves.com and use the code CRAPPENS. tipsyelves.com, code CRAPPENS, tipsyelves.com, code CRAPPENS. Now let's get back to that podcast, why don't we? I'm so excited that Real Housewives of Beverly Health is back in our lives. Oh, wow, yeah. Now it's time to dive in.

Wow, I have a lot of notes. You probably have even more because you did a whole recap. I do, but don't even worry about it. I did a recap, and then I read it out loud, okay? No one needs to hear anything I have to say about this show, so I'm going sit here and nod okay you know that ain't gonna happen but it's it's not but that's okay so previously in ben's life um my favorite lisa vanderpump um opener was when she would say throw me to the wolves and i'll come back leading the pack or although i did like also i like dogs but just not bitches.

She always has the best ones. I'm not crazy about bitches. But this season is amazing. This season is just like, don't fuck with me. Really? That's a very controversial opinion because everyone on the internet is like, stupid, terrible. No, no, no.

They're misinformed. So her phrase, if you missed it, is, the crown is heavy, darling, so just leave it where it belongs. That's amazing. That's amazing. I just, the only thing that could make that better is Ken fleshrooming behind her wearing a crown. It's like, that's the queen. Don't even try and take the queen crown from Ken, okay?

It's a Burger King crown. Lisa does come back, like, ready to fight. But if you think about what the actual fight was in the first place it was so stupid that was like you're they were stupid for making it such a big deal but you're also stupid for now making another season about this stupid fight that was nothing in the first place well i think it's just going to be the first few episodes i hope transition like everyone's getting because i think i actually feel like probably all the women realize like this was so stupid it was basically yolanda's doing she's not even on the show anymore

so let's move on um true um but one thing i have to say about vanderpump and i won't do the whole coming this season on i think it's erica too she's like one thing i like all i wrote is that I don't give a fuck what's coming this season. I don't know what's happening. I don't give a fuck. One thing I like, all I wrote is that you know it's going to be a good season because Lisa asked the goat for its Instagram or something. It's like, okay, there's love this season.

I didn't realize Carlton was back. Okay, so... How anti-Semitic have you been? So, Erica's... I didn't really go down through all the sayings, but I just wrote the one that I'm using. I did. Do you want to go through all the sayings?

You can. I do because they're so obnoxious. Okay, EJ, Erica Jane wrote, I may be two people, but I'm not two-faced. I'm like, you have one face and it's stupid. Like, it doesn't do anything, okay? And you are kind of two-faced. You did, like, rat on everyone last season.

I just love that her, she has two personalities, but still one personality is like some hoe on YouTube. And then the other personality is still that hoe, but she wears like mom clothes at home. I'm like, you know that that's not a separate personality. That's like you changing to do a show. Yeah, exactly. The only other ones, the only other one I wrote was Dorit's. I know you probably wrote the other ones down.

Renna was, My advice to you is don't hustle the hustler. Own the hustler, baby. Own it. You know where I shop? Hustler store, because I'm a hustler. People vs. Larry Flint was basically a movie about me. Hustler.

There's a whole magazine about my personality, baby. And Eileen, I speak no evil, but I see and hear everything. That's stupid. You see nothing because you live in Malibu. You only come here when your ass is shooting something because it takes you an hour and a half. And you speak plenty of evil, okay? She doesn't really speak evil. She just sort of simpers evil.

She's just always in the corner, freshly wounded from some light offense. Yeah, some nothing. I think Eileen should be, I'm amazing on television, just not on this show. Because every time I see her,'m like you are playing like the quadruplet from days of our lives who's just like an obnoxious asshole on a real housewife show right now please be the other fabulous ones when you go home i feel like aileen's tagline should just be why would you say that she's perpetually offended if aileen wants to win me forever she'll just come on with her buck teeth and nun outfit

and really thick coke bottle glasses and say you are mean mean mean christian can i tell you something though even when eileen was at her worst which was last season i still really love eileen on this show i really do i i think she has a good a good personality for it i don't have hate i don't i don't i don't know i don't have hate i remember the't know. I don't have hate. I remember the hate. Like, I remember certain feelings. But I don't know. Let's start over, guys. Yeah. So we have Dorit who says,

When you've traveled the world, you can speak in whatever accent you want. I was like, oh, okay. I was like, you know, that's not really like a thing. Like, you know, to say the crown is heavy, like, keep it where or i may be too i may have two personalities but i'm not two-faced or i don't speak evil but i see everything it's like a it's like clever and it's like something about like it's like a little witty remark about your personality but to be like i travel everywhere so i can speak whatever accent i want i'm like that's not really an insight into anything that's just you being obnoxious she is obnoxious and i feel like she's flying around

all southwest rewards points like i don't even feel like she's getting first class tickets or anything i don't care what she says yeah listen you're a letter away from being a dorito okay and i thought i was so clever for like realizing that and then i went to twitter and then someone was like only refer to her as dorito i was like like, that's not going to be my joke. Oh, no. I was just like, no, because Doritos have taste. That was funny. This Dorit. Okay.

Here's why I really like Dorit. She thinks she's all fancy and everything. But her opening gown is like a gift. Like she's trying to be dressed up. Like, I am your gift. But she looks like the Barnes and Noble wrapping. Like she's still the same color it's like you got your mom the mary higgins clark collection on cassette tape and that's how they wrap are you

talking about what she's wearing like the opening credit yes that big green dress i like to call it i like to call it andy's mint chic she looks like she is wrapped up in an andy's mint wrapper like she should be served after dinner at a nice restaurant. She's like five cents when you're leaving Luby's. Actually, someone did tweet at us saying that they were getting a Shelley Long vibe. And I had to correct them. I was like, I do believe it was Seal Awards dress in Hello Again. I think that's pretty much a variation of what she's wearing. She looks like free rapping service, basically, to me.

She's like, i will rap i'm the gift bonds and noble rap me and her terrible i like that she has 20 accents every time she speaks this woman's an asshole and i cannot wait to see the shit she caused one of our friends texted me she's like have you seen the picture that this crazy bitch sent out she took a cast photo one of the she didn't take it but she took off from the internet one of the cast photos of all the ladies like the return of real housewives you know where they're all doing their shoulder thing and she photoshopped it and cut herself out and put her right in the middle like you know that everybody's gonna know that's

photoshopped who does that why would dorit ever be in the center of the cast you know what though by the way connecticut two for two with like these pretentious world traveling reality stars between her and luann connecticut really churns them out right oh that she is no luann no i know i'm so sorry how dare you so kyle's phrase was like i'm a dick I'm an expert in luxury but I can always spot a fake she's like like my store Kyle Biling too come and check these out

so speaking of Kyle the show opens with Kyle and she's wearing Birkenstocks and she's like Lisa I'm wearing Birkenstocks so this is going to be her season challenge of like how to get out of the Birkenstocks. And she's like, Lisa, I'm wearing Birkenstocks. I'm like, so this is going to be her season challenge of how to get out of the Birkenstocks. But she's also very careful to say, they're rose gold Birkenstocks, Lisa,

and I've got my rose gold iPhone. Whatever. A crock is a crock, and a Birkenstock is a Birkenstock, and a Teva is a Teva, and you can put lipstick on a pig, but it's still a shitty piece of footwear. It's still a rose gold Birkenstock goes a Birkenstock and a T visit Eva and you can put lipstick on a pig but it's still a shitty piece of footwear it's still a rose gold Birkenstock okay so she starts talking to Lisa now we know that their frenemies and she's always turning against Lisa and then Lisa gets very wounded you know at the end I heard that at the finale party they had a big finale party and one of our gay old people that we know there was saying that lisa left early because she was upset because kyle

said something in the premiere that she didn't like and i'm like well we saw the premiere so it had to be kyle saying like well is lisa gonna manipulate you know making a joke like is she gonna manipulate them to do that or something she made a joke. Like, is she going to manipulate them to do that? Or something. She made a joke. It's something that Lisa's like, I'm so disappointed, darling. So you know that they're going to have Lisa Vanderpump go back in there and shoot all of these things where she gets out her passive-aggressive anger in the diary room.

And then they're going to recut it for every Kyle scene ever. So I can't wait for you to get on it, editors. Yeah, editors. But she's competing, but she's in her Lisa closet that she tried to make. And I'm like, that looks like a dad office, like with purses in it. It does. It does. There should be like an exercise bike in there.

Oh, it was a gym actually at one point. Yeah. So Lisa is telling Kyle about Dorit and PK. PK is Dorit's husband and kyle's like oh you know i don't know them but i know of them because boy george told me about them and i was like only on this show would you get a sentence like that only from kyle would you get all that in one sentence she's like rose gold rose gold flashing her diamonds at the tv in front of a wall of purses talking about how she

knows boy george because celebrity apprentice it's like that shows officially it hasn't even jumped the shark it's just like sunk yeah like the shark has just sunk it's like belly up the shark yeah and it wasn't even like a great white shark it was like one of those tiny sharks and so like jumping it isn't even that spectacular. It's just, it's just like, it's just a Lusitania just sinking away without, without the credit of the Titanic. It's just like the lesser known shipwreck of the early 1900s. It's like by the time Kyle finally gets to do celebrity apprentice,

it's someone who used to be the governor when it was the president. Sorry, Kyle fail. That's true. Celebrity apprentice does actually have quite the track record. It's true. Celebrity Apprentice does actually have quite the track record with politicians. It really does. Celebrity politicians.

So then we go to Pasadena, where I don't give a fuck. Erica's talking with Tom. Tom Girardi. And her song is number eight on some chart that is tracking terrible dance music. Well, very blessed. I was number was number 14 and i'm number eight um oh no that's very exciting uh i guess she's on a bad color you know she really is selling

that the gays have fallen for erica they love her i mean i was in Palm Springs this weekend. I think they played stupid effing Painkiller 10 times. Yeah. Look, I can't listen to a song that's misspelled. It just makes me crazy. Yeah. Why are you even saying Painkiller? It's not called that. It's called Painkiller.

Like, I don't want to listen to it, and it's remixed. That's the straight version. Painkiller? You got a Painkiller? You got a Painkiller? You know, Erica, I've always felt like erica was actually pretty smart and i mean coming on this show is the smartest thing because i mean now people know about her her her like gay club dance music yeah i don't have hate for erica i just like she's one

of those people she's one of those la people it's like married to an old man now has all these paid for friends has a stupid video career. It's not that I hate her. It's like everything I hate about L.A., but I also love L.A. and love living here. And I'm just waiting for her to really break out. Like last year she didn't. She keeps saying she has an alter ego. She doesn't.

And she didn't really break out. It's just the gays are like, it's Gwen Stefani because gays have the memories of flies. I agree. And that's always been our constant note. I've never disliked Erica. I've liked her fine and up. She's amusing. She's entertaining.

But I always felt like she was holding back on us. And I felt like all that we... She kept on talking about how she was the sex kitten, but really all we saw of her was the exact opposite. And she seemed like she actually had a little bit of a stick up her ass on the show. And so for me, I just want to see her be more fun show more emotion and like just let down her walls a little bit and then i feel like i would be able to embrace her and actually so far i mean this premiere i think she actually was being a little bit more emotionally available she like reacted to something she did which part when eileen gave her a gift she was like oh my god

well that was the first time we've seen her legitimately happy. Exactly. Exactly. Someone who only lives for money and fame, you can't give them an actual thing that's going to make them happy except for money or fame. And she got more fame. She's like, I'm going to be on daytime. I'm going to rise to number seven before people know it. Yeah.

So basically, Erica is going to have a big birthday blowout for her 45th birthday um erica she goes you definitely bid 40s but you're 45 yes yes erica good job congratulations on doing very rudimentary math um so so um the for her birthday the the the presents are starting to roll in primarily from tom who who goes and buys her a chagall which is hilarious to me because in what world does a chagall ever exist amongst the real housewives where it's ever going to be appreciated also it's just like leaning up against the kitchen table and when she's done like pretending she's happy and he can tell she's totally not he just like leans it up against the counter it's like is that really a chagall because you might want to like at least have a maid in here holding it it's also

funny because she's like well he's a really big chagall fan and i think that basically like i mean i don't give a fuck i think that he just got it for himself i'm like wow you guys are so rich that you're like buying chagalls when for so rich that you're buying Chagalls. Normally you do that move when you buy someone. In my case, if I bought my boyfriend a board game, I'm buying it for myself. We're going to play this with me. But to do that with a Chagall, that's absurd. Yeah, because he's going to hang it in the library. And to Erica, it's like, what?

He's getting another naked woman to compete with me? Is this his idea of getting a younger model? She's like, he's getting another naked woman to compete with me is this his idea of getting a younger model you know she's like have you seen my printed canvases why would you mess those up with a chagall okay mikey took those mikey's like so where's its impressions you said it was an impressionist mikey would be like chagall everything chagall is like I love for a Chagall I'm having a Chagall moment he'd be like you Chagall but then as backup he then also got her this like $80,000 a Panther ring that was made with black jasper I have the other two this is just flooded a different color whatever it wasn't even a thing it was a

pamphlet of one he's's like, I ordered it. It was like, you got a ring that was based off of the Thundercat symbol. Congratulations. The children and Indonesia haven't finished gluing it together yet. It'll be here soon. I do like that. She is showing some growth this season by not wearing those terrible.

Like patterns. Whenever she was home last time, she would wear like, you would wear those really big flower, just terrible, and this year she's like, simple cream colored bob sweatshirt leggings. She's like, nice job. That's growth.

That's all I need from you, Erica. Then meanwhile, over at Pump, Lisa and Ken show up. Ken's got Jiggy, and Lisa is now trying to sell us on yet another new puppy dog. This one's name is Harrison. He's my new boyfriend.

We're having a little affair, Harrison. You know, if you're going to start replacing the old-ass dying popular dog because you know you're going to need a replacement, why don't you do the same thing for Ken? I feel like there should also be like some slightly younger version of ken with more hair on his belly or something just bring them all it's called the guy who did the farm aid songs what was his name the wet songs the farm aid songs what was his name willie nelson no he was gonna produce i'll look it up i'll look it up what if it was willie nelson can you look

it up the guy who did the british guy who did the farm aid and live aid stuff. He has a name, and he's very Ken-like. It would be a funnier joke if I could actually use his name. That's Ken's sparkling conversation. So I have to say, Harrison didn't have fur either. She's like, he's growing all his hair back. When we stole him from the Tucker truck in Yulin, he had little bald spots.

Now he's growing his hair back. Can you adopt a goddamn dog that ain't falling apart? How many healthy dogs have to die, people, okay? I'm a fixer. I call this dog Lala. It's woof woof. Be nice to Harrison. All the puppies in the pen were peeing on its head,

and I said, come to Mama Lala. Well, we had a rough adoption, because for the first week, he went off to Saudi Arabia to be on a yacht. He just doesn't want to be made fun of. So PK and, okay, let's talk about PK.

Dorit and PK. I mean, two stupid names. Sorry. Those are both stupid names. It's like they found each other based on their stupid names. He's basically British Michael Kors, if you ask me,

but not as funny. He does not even sound true Brit to me. I feel like he's from Reseda, and he's making that shit up. I'm not gonna believe it. I mean, he is pasty enough, but otherwise, I don't get it. And this is not even fat shaming, because I'm fat. So I don't even care that he's fat.

What's the difference? It's just some old man you're fucking for his money. I don't care if he's fat or thin. But I will say, all over LA and probably the world, are now those posters for seeing i think it's i don't know who's making it but it looks like a pixar kind of movie illumination studios who's that they do like uh minions i think yeah i don't care but they're they're uh their poster their billboards are all these like pigs singing and there's one that's like in this like see-through sparkle dress. Yes.

Like with a head thrown back and an Erika Jayne move on a chair. And it is the cutest poster. I love all of those billboards. So it's making me like PK, even though I think he's full of shit, because I want to see Sing. Well, I feel like PK is actively trying to assign the cast of Sing. He's like, oh, little piggy. I love what you're doing here with this like Jennifer Beifer beale moment on the chair you know like a pig doing flash dance i love it i want to see more of it i want to sign you right now on you and a duet

with boy george okay pig can you do that boy george loves you pig loves you loves you okay skunk okay here's what we want for you to do skunk all right All right. You and Susan What's-Her-Face from, you know, Britain's Got Talent. You guys are going to sing some Les Mis together. I love it already. Sign, seal, deliver. Get it to me right now. You're signed, skunk. He does that.

Usually it's the wives, the housewives who are being phony rich, like Dorit. He's like, I need 20,000 assistants and five maids and a fly. It's like, shut up. But he does it too and it makes them just double obnoxious everywhere he walks in he's like is that silver i've got silver you know else does boy george i helped him get it it's a call an award an award of britain the maid awarded him silver i flew their first class to find it out it's like shut up to work together he's also the sort of like uh like talent manager who says like who like sort of announces his importance by declaring like all right we have to work together

we have to do something together we have to get in the studio together it's like i'm a waiter i know let's get you in the studio you're gonna serve us some drinks it'll be great i love it i love what you're doing here um and get the fuck out of the studio like you're my manager i didn't ask you to come here i'm already paying you 15% You better get your Is that your mother in the studio? Get the fuck out of here I love it Great work

Greg Let's do that Let's record that Let's record that Alright The way you asked us The way you told us The specials right now

Star quality darling Come here Sit on Teddy's lap Alright Chef Penny This is what we're gonna do Alright We're gonna take your tuna tart out

Bring it to the studio Serve it to Boy George You two do something together Holiday album Chef Penny and Boy George Sing're gonna take your tuna tart out bring it to the studio serve it to boy george you should do something together holiday album chef penny and boy george sing the hits i love it we're doing it right now printing it is this an empanada these used to be goat cheese bowls what a transformation love it love it this is what we're doing okay we're releasing a two album christmas compilation called empanada transformation love it santa eats santa eats empanadas chef penny on backup got it he is so gross people who brag about their money that much always broke and i'm glad to know that his ass is

broke we already know that's been some of the gossip from the season oh good it was coming out when his biggest client is boy george but he's not rolling he's living in the guest house i mean that's i mean there's your clue right there so um lisa vanderpump actually loves dorit like she look she said that she's like i adore the wheat um and i was like lisa that's nice but now you've basically ensured that dorit is going to turn against you next season it's always like a it's like a one and a half season arc well she always does it though lisa like that's the thing i like about lisa she really did you know when she pulls out her victim like after everything we've done for you how could you i've been stabbed in the face like she does that with all of the only one she

hasn't i think done that with is yoice and you'll still see yoice at the pump or the whatever restaurant sitting with lisa and ken and having didn't like they're legit friends but lisa really does put forth that effort where she's like we're going to be a team and we'll take these bitches down and duree's like yes lisa i'll do it in her like whatever accent she's using that moment and then lisa just pours it on and i think she does it not because she really likes duree but so she can cry harder when Dorit eventually turns. She's like, ruin Eileen, then you'll try and ruin me. You won't win.

You'll get fired. Whatever. It's actually a brilliant tactic. It is. Knowing that someone's going to turn against you, so befriending them on spec. Yeah. That way you can be betrayed more. And who has, out of Lisa's minions, they all get fired.

I mean, Brandy got fired. Well, she got rehired because she was a minion. But then she got fired when she turned. When they turned against Lisa. Then Joyce was one of her minions. She never really did anything, but she got fired. Who else was made? Yolanda.

Yolanda was supposed to be friends with Lisa. Then she turned. She got fired. Teaming up with Lisa is a very dangerous move on this game. Well, luckily, I may not be teaming up with Lisa, but I am always team Lisa. Team Lisa, darling! So, Kyle and Mauricio join at Pump, and then there's, like, more chatter. And then we learn that Boy George actually lives with Dorit and PK.

And Dorit's like, he's, like, a really, really, really fun gay husband. And I'm like, now, are we talking about pk or are we talking about boys yeah exactly she's like he's like a sister well a husband a gay husband it's like so you've got two of those girl most of us can't even get one good for you yeah and lisa says i knew the other wife dorit is an Cue the ex-wife to come on. The other wife's name was Cheat. The other woman's name was Harvey Fierstein. Dorit's an upgrade.

Who was it? Freet. Cheat and Freet. He only marries women who are one O away from turning into a snack. Cheeto and Freeto. I knew. Co knew. I mean, who are one O away from turning into a snack. Cheeto and Frito. I knew corn knew. Sunchip.

His ex-wife, Popcorn. What a bitch. Cracker Jack. Fruit Roller. I'll tell you one thing. You know who I really hated was Chex Me. Cracker Jar. Oh, what a bitch.

Cheese Dude was awful. Oh, that Tostino pizza, right? Oh, I'll tell you one thing. Big upgrade from La Potato Chip. So much better than Ruff... Ruff-a. I'm out of chips. So stupid. I'll tell you one thing.

Oh my god, i got one laugh she's so much better than good old pring that's it um maurizio is getting more wonky eyed by the year like he's breaking down i think kyle has started doing home botox where his face can't even move she's like did dad's botox does it look good and because i'm like please stop hurting daddy maurizio move. She's like, did dad's Botox, does it look good? And the kids are like, please stop hurting daddy. Mauricio is like, it's like every season he has one more button that's undone and he's like a little heavier

and a little bit more chest hair. And he's got like a bigger and bigger Jewish star around his chest. I'm like, I don't approve of the direction you're going Mauricio. Did you notice when he was talking to someone i don't know no one pays attention to poor maurizio like he's like the richest man in the world at this point i mean in la terms you know and he's he shows up and they're talking he's like you know like when he

did that continue the same thing with camille they just keep talking he he was the camille in this one yeah he's like so you mean when you go to the yeah yeah he just mutters things and nods and i'm like oh your husband says supportive well i did enjoy when uh dorit and marisa were speaking hebrew and like after like the hebrew dorit's accent was just so wonky at that point. Now, she just had, like, too much stimulation. And then she's like, the waiter comes in, and she's like, could I get a little more water? Dorit, you have to just calm down, okay? Pick an accent. If you're going to do a fake accent, that's fine.

But you've got to choose just one. Exactly. She's playing, like, Evita in every country. Yeah. Like, they're all ridiculous. And also, Kyle, what was I going to say about Kyle? They were talking about Boy George. Oh, yeah, when he started speaking Yiddish.

What do you speak? Israeli? Hebrew. I think I wrote Israeli. I'm so stupid. Hebrew, okay. Yiddish. So she's like, well, come on.

You know, she's like, oh, I know Hebrew. Come on. You know, whatever. I'm like, is that even real? And then Mauricio just looked at her like, I didn't say the tour of it like i don't even know what you're saying he's like check it which means shut up check it and carl's like i know boy i love boy he's like i'm trying i love your hebrew impersonation there's a lot of wise that's what i was like There's a lot of whys.

That's what I was like. There's a lot of whys in here. Oh, yes. I'm so sorry. It wasn't about Boy George. I was blind. But she's like, oh, my God, do you know Italian or whatever she was speaking? And she's like, yes. Well, Kyle's like, what's your accent from?

Because you know Kyle just wants to rip this bitch apart already. And she's like, where's your accent from? And she's like, well, I speak like this because people don't understand where I'm from. But I speak like that because I have a bikini line in Italy. I'm like, what? How does that make any sense? Yeah, she was born in Connecticut,

then was like in Italy, working in Italy or something like that. But her parents are Israeli. She's ridiculous. She started a bikini company in italy now she has a fucking accent oh girl shush shut up so um so then they start talking about dubai they're reliving dubai and i love how doritos you know i don't like the idea of women treating each other terribly and bullying i'm like well you better get off the show dorit because that's what you've just signed up for she's gonna be the biggest awful horror show out this show, Dorit, because that's what you just signed up for. She's going to be the biggest awful horror show on this show.

You can already tell. She's going to be coming after everybody for no reason, bullying everybody, and I can't wait. Yeah, she's already had a lot of screen time for the first episode. Yes, and she came in looking like a rubber room. She came in with enough filler that she can take any punches you give her, and she's not going to give a shit. Yeah. that she can take any punches you give her and she's not going to give a shit. Yeah.

So then we go over to Lisa Rinna, who is literally owning it, baby, owning a new Tesla, baby. Harry Hamlin! Harry Hamlin got me a Tesla! And he's like, yeah, I got you the new one. I'll take the old one. Oh, yeah, look at you two.

So Rinna has announced that she's going to be focusing on her daughters now she doesn't have time for bullshit okay okay babies um uh eileen and rena have been completely traumatized by the last season i mean they came back shell-shocked because they shoot the whole season before they're watching it so they thought they were the heroes i think and i'm like finally we're bringing downump. And then they went on the internet and, you know, Twitter rips a bitch to shreds. I mean, there's just like little bones left.

I mean, Eileen can't even post like, went to the grocery store today and they're like, did you buy forgiveness? You fucking horrible human being. Like people are so, like they will take you down on Twitter and they're both shell shocked. Lisa Rinna's like, I'm here with a positive attitude.

Nothing can bring me down now because I'm just, you know, I'm all about forgiveness and my kids. I'm like, what happened to you? Why is everybody so terrified? They know. They know. They know. So meanwhile, Eileen goes and meets Erica for lunch, and they start talking about, like, getting older and whatnot. erica for lunch and they start talking about like getting older and whatnot and then erica out of nowhere goes well what no one knew was that your mom that you lost your mom at the reunion i'm like

this was so obviously like hey remember to to mention that i don't want to mention that like during the reunion the reason why i was acting crazy because my mom died but could you mention it for me please it was like so well rena had just mentioned her father dying and then we get to this scene and erica's like let's don't forget audience i leads dad is dead i'm like is this just are these are they just like killing their parents to look better on the house last because it's odd that both of them need a personality sweep and this year they're like my parent dad well they were basically saying both of them actually said said that losing their parents made them realize that this was all super trivial. Yeah, and yet here you are.

They died in vain. No, that's really mean, and it is really sad that they, obviously, that their parents died. And then we watched Lisa's father last year. I mean, it was so sad. Yeah, exactly. And also, by the way, Eileen, she's had a lot of tragedy in her life, so it's super sad. Yeah, but you're right that they totally talked about it first and she's like oh what about you your mom died because uh later in the episode eileen's like well you remember

erica jane when uh weren't you like she's asking the leading questions to give people their time and i'm like oh god you can already see the teams because you can tell you guys have talked on the phone i mean subtlety that's all i asked for a little subtlety yeah that's all we want um don't start working on teams it's a team sport but subtlety time and speaking of subtlety kyle comes and joins and uh kyle uh i guess there were oh yolanda's um erica jane had just spoken to yolandaanda and Yolanda's 75% better. I'm like... From Wondery, this is Black History For Real.

I'm Francesca Ramsey. And I'm Conscious Lee. What do most people think about when they hear the words Black History? Rosa Parks, Reconstruction, MLK, February, Black History Month. Exactly, exactly.

There are so many stories of black history that we just are not really talking about or thinking about, especially outside of February. And we are about to flip the script on all of that. Because on this show, you're going to hear a little less. In August 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. And a little bit more. She is a heroine to some. As a fighter for black rights, she is a villain to others. Follow Black History for Real on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts.

Listen everywhere on February 5th, or you can listen early and ad-free on Wondery Plus starting January 29th. Join Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Black is beautiful. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, played by HBO's Industries' Myhala Harold, a brilliant scholarship student who has to quickly adapt to her newfound eat-or-be-eaten world. Ava's ambitions take hold and her small-town values break

in hopes of becoming the first scholarship student to make The List, Bishop Gray's all-coveted academic top 10, curated by the headmaster himself. But after realizing she has no chance at The List on her own, she reluctantly accepts an invitation to a secret underground society that pulls the strings on campus life and academic success. If she bends to their will, she'll have everything she's ever dreamed of. But at what cost? Academy takes you into the world of a cutthroat private school

where power, money, and sex collide in a game of life and death. Follow Academy on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Academy early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus. I'm speechless. Just because it's just

the numbers that Yolanda pulls out. She's now 75% better. 75 today, 75. It's like the temperature of the pool. Yeah. The more famous that Gigi and Bella get the better Yolanda Yes, the more she doesn't have to lie in bed on a TV show. It's like suddenly she's fine Yeah, Kyle's TV show for TV land is Oh God even more depressing than Lyme disease How is this happening? And how is it John Wells? I mean John Wells made er. Yeah, isn't that surprising? It's like the guys obsessed with terrible surgery like he sees Kyle and it's like the guy's obsessed with terrible surgery it's like he sees kyle and he's like my hobby it's my hobby that being said if uh there is a staff writer uh

position open i am glad to throw my name into the ring kyle and john wells um so so um uh so actually though kyle was. This is what you were talking about before. Talking about, like, will Lisa Vanderpump come around to, you know, Rinna and Eileen? And Kyle makes a joke. She's like, well, I think that, like, Lisa Vanderpump's going to come around to Rinna sooner. Because, you know, Lisa's easy to manipulate. She's like, yeah. Opens her mouth. Yeah.

Also, I love that Eileen, bless her heart, she also gets so much shit about how she dresses on the show so today she i mean she definitely looked better than usual but i thought they looked kind of like sloppy old navy pants rolled up you know so good and it is good right there rum chata no no it is good but she she was walking i was like i know i get that she's trying like you know you don't hit a kid who's making an effort. You just pat them on the head and say, you know, thanks for trying. So I feel like that with her, but still kind of hideous.

And then when she comes in, Kyle's like, oh my God, I love your pants. She's like, I got them from your store. It's like, oh God, of course you did. Don't let Kyle rehab your outfits. Are you nuts? For some reason, it makes me think of that famous ghost

story slash movie with um what's her face from taxi where it's like a stranger like a stranger inside your house or whatever it was where it's like christine lottie no no the fear within i love me some fear within okay she's on um kimmy schmidt now kane carl kane um oh where it's like the call is coming from inside your house it's like so like i feel like aileen is having a fashion emergency it's coming from inside your store it's from aileen too it's like hiring drew barrymore to be a fireman. Like, she's the fire starter. And she can't even make popcorn properly without getting herself killed. Don't worry, she won't remember it tomorrow or the next day.

Guess what? Because 50 First Dates, you know. Just to make all those Drew Barrymore references. That's like the cast members on these shows. They just forget everything that happened the day before. Well, I love that during during this like at one point eileen says that no i'm fine with lisa vanderpump i'm fine you know she's never going to change and i'm fine with it you are not fine with that eileen that is the biggest lie you've ever told you will never be fine with it never also nothing happened like they're acting like lisa vanderpump's gonna be sending rosio after them with like baseball bats what did she do she manipulated lisa renner into saying munchhausens

which she didn't even do but yeah i mean i'm gonna give them that because i feel like they're down on the ground okay i'm gonna just be the rocky coach who's like wiping off the sweat and helping out you were right let's just say you were totally right lisa wanted you to bring up munchausen's you brought up munchausen you still brought it up like you're still the one who did it like i don't get it not only did you bring it up but it wasn't the biggest crime in the world like literally you mentioned munchausen's and that was it it was fine and then you went over to yolandaanda's and we're like Yolanda I'm so sorry I said this it was you know

what it was I shouldn't have said it it was hurtful and I you know there was chatter and I'm sorry there was chatter and I'm sorry that I engaged in the chatter and then Yolanda was like oh no my character assassinated it was just like who cares that you said Munchausen it's fine but I know it makes people

on the internet crazy that we like Lisa Vanderpump because people are just ready to turn. And as much as I like or hate anybody on these shows, I'm down for it. I mean, they are on The Housewives. I would love to see someone bring Lisa Vanderpump down into the mud. Do it! I'm fine with it. If you catch her on something and you bring her, I will be rooting for you and laughing my ass off.

Because I love Lisa in victim mode as well. I'm for it. I love the show. I'll eat my popcorn. It just hasn't happened yet. So let's just all stop acting like we got touched by the big man, okay? No one has touched you. Yeah, I actually, I do, I'm actually not someone who lives for someone being taken down, like going from good to bad.

I always get sort of sad because I have my favorites and I wanted her to stay in my favorites. But I also, Lisa's a special case for me. I just feel like she's just like great. And I don't want to see that tarnished. I just feel like she's older and richer than everybody. And she has more insurance. Like for me, she's just Kathy Bates in Fried Green Tomatoes, just running into that young bitch's car finally.

Well, that makes me want to root. Yeah, that makes me want to root for her. Kathy Bates wins. Even in that movie Misery, when she's cutting off Stephen King's leg in the bed or whatever, I'm like, you know, girl. Yeah. I'm like, yeah. With a hammer thing.

Yeah. Anyway, so now we have a Dorit moment where we get to learn more about her. And she's planning some travel where, again, her accent is crazy. She's like, we'll go New York to Milan and Milan to London. And then she starts talking about, like, we are constantly surrounded by celebrities all the time. I'm like, okay, so you got Boy George. I'm like, who who else is it like the it's the backup singer for mr mr um and one of the durans it's mr from mr mr we couldn't get

the other second mr but that's our goal gonna have a goo we always hang out with a thompson twin i just had tea with kasha goo goo She's talking about how she's so busy, we're just going to have to skip Andre. Andre Bocelli and wherever. Is he the neediest singer? He seems like somebody who shouldn't be so needy to be on The Housewives. I mean, how many times has he been on? Like, she was going to go see Andre, or is she just saying that you know what i just feel like there's so many better celebrity brags than andrea bocelli

i just why is he always on like he seems like an erica jane at this point who's just like i'll be on it it's like a card you the ship opening i'm there patting my vagina or whatever maybe they're just you're andre bocelli get some self-respect maybe they're just duping him. You're Andre Bocelli. Get some self-respect. Maybe they're just duping him. I mean, he's blind. Maybe he literally does not know what he's getting himself into. He thinks he's just going to a restaurant

and no one tells him that there's a camera. Like you were nominated for an Oscar. He's like, okay, where is it? They're like, okay, first thing,

happy birthday in Italian. The ceremony's gonna be held at Wally's in Beverly Hills and they're just handing him a bottle of rum chata. They're like, here's your Oscar. He's like, I would like to thank my agent. PK.

All right, Andra. Great work. All right. Have you met the pig from Sing? All right, great. You guys are going to meet at Wally's. You guys are going to have a private concert. Okay.

It's just going to be Taylor Dane, the pig, and you. is because I have a private concert. Okay. It's just going to be Tana Dane, the pig, and you. She was surrounded by three people

doing her makeup. Then she had an assistant. She's got three nannies. One who's a nursing nanny. One who's a regular nanny. And then they all have, there's like four backup nannies. I would like to give a tour

of the health. First of all, she has two kids named Jagger and Phoenix, which honestly like kill me. Jagger and Phoenix, which honestly kill me. Stupid names. Jagger is becoming the insufferable. A car you can't afford and an airport hub that has the worst chilies in America.

Congratulations, Dorit. So here's Dorit's staff. There's Peggy, who's Phoenix's nurse. There's Nayla or Nayla, Nayla, whatever, who's Jagger's main nanny. Tatiana, who's the backup nanny. Tatiana, who's the backup nanny. Isabel, who's the weekend nanny. I'm like, I feel like all these nannies are just, and nurses, are going to gather together for a heist movie that's directed by Amy Heckerling. I feel like we've just witnessed human trafficking.

Yeah. And I feel like Diane Keaton's going to be involved. It's going to be just some sort of heist where they just take out Dorit and Piquet's safe or whatever. And they like flee to... We never know what happens, but we can predict that Diane will be in a turtleneck and some handsome glasses. Yeah. They'll flee to NoHo and then Dorit and Piquet will... Well, I mean, we can't go up to NoHo, so I guess we just lost our money.

It's like, I'm sick of hearing no-ho, so I bought it. It's like, you do not own no-ho, stupid. Like, I've been honored with the key to the city by the president of no-ho. It's like, it's not a country, okay? It's a receipt from Ikea. Please sit down. Every time I drive down Lancashire Boulevard, the people are waving at me. No, they're just trying to hail a cab.

You're driving on the wrong side of the street. So then we get to see her. Then we get to see her. So are we driving down the wrong side of the street? Like, whoa! She's like Frank Drebin in The Police Squad. She's like, whoa! She's like Frank Drebin in The Police Squad.

Whenever I drive down the street, people jump out of my way into bushes onto babies. I'm here. It is me, Mayor Dorito. I've flown here from Beverly Hills. I have a special parking spot at Joe's Coffee in Lancashire. No, that's just where you crash your car into the front window. It's a handicapped spot. She's like, look, it's me sitting down from the side.

They drew a chair just for me. So stupid. Okay, so we get to meet boy finally boy george boy george celebrity apprentice boy george he walks in and i'm like oh my god gay person he's like what a dump let it go gay people let it go okay i don't want to hear any mommy dearest i don't want to hear any whatever that movie where Betty Davis came in and said, what a dump. Stop it. Your boy George, for Christ's sake.

Yeah. Yeah. So they're like, we learned that like boy George like hangs out and watches Game of Thrones in the bedroom with Dorit. And I thought she'd be like, yeah, he's just basically a part of the family. You know, we watched Game of Thrones, all three of us together in bed. And then, you know, invariably they like kick me out. and then i just have to wait outside for two hours and then i'm allowed back in you know it's great i feel like she would be the worst person to watch a game of thrones with because she'd be like me she'd be like what's her name what's her name who's that

is that was that she's right here what's the lady with the dragon well she'd be like i love her hair how do you think they do her hair do you think they oh that dress i love that how do you think they do that like shut up it's a plot point yeah she's like boy george gets salty with me like when he goes diva i mean no one does it like george i'm like stop asking who the characters are in game of thrones yeah just be quiet look it up on your cell phone it's like the only reason he ever gets mad and poor boy george literally who says that on your cell phone. It's like the only reason he ever gets mad. And poor boy George, literally. Who says that on a Housewives show?

They're like, poor you, literally. Didn't he get arrested for literally tying up an escort in London? To a radiator. To a radiator. And now he's on here. They're like, oh, isn't it wonderful having him here? I'm like, you better make sure your radiators have some sort of safety clasp on them. That's why they have so many nannies, just in case one gets lost. Boy George goes through a mood.

There's burns on the wrist of every nanny there. I just love how Dorit, in this world of total entitlement and luxury, she does that thing, that classic thing that all these women do on these shows. She likes to act like she's working really hard. She's like, I'm not exactly lounging in bed eating bonbons.

I'm like, you're right. You're like in the living room eating your bonbons. Because Boy George is in your bed watching Game of Thrones. She's like, I'm in bed feeding my husband and Boy George bonbons. Lots of bonbons. It's work. Por que, ok? Also, Boy is like, I've been on tour with an american band and they wanted new songs and i was like

but then i got paid to go to this party i mean they pay you just to show up and he's like sitting there eating their food in their kitchen i'm like he's like the gay fat kramer with like l'oreal face i will say for a boy that's actually a selling point yeah we'll say for a boy that that eye makeup is just, it's beautiful. It is. Well, as is his voice. As is his voice. Oh, yeah, he's super talented and everything.

But, I mean, current boy. Current boy. Still, the eye makeup is gorgeous. Maria, did you laugh over there? No, she cleared her throat. Oh. She's texting right now, get me the fuck out of this room. I thought we hit a note with Maria on the boy George front.

She's yawning. Literally, I'm not joking. So, speaking of gay things, we then go over to Erica's place where she's getting ready for her Studio 54 party. Wait, are we at Erica's house? Hold

on, hold on. Okay, Boy George, okay, what did you say he ended with? So happy for you,orge for jimmy kimmel live okay okay good you got another star in there before we come out okay continue sorry so erica has her glam squad and of course everything yeah snap circle snaps yeah mikey's like line those lips line those lips i'm like oh goodness. I literally got up to put french fries in the toaster. That's what I did during the scene. I was like, oh my goodness.

I like how Mikey has just turned into an all-purpose gay. He's a party planner. He's a makeup overseer. He's a waiter. He's a choreographer. Car detailer. He's a landscaper. He's like anything.

He's like, I got it, bitch. I'm doing it for you right now, bitch. Wow. I mean, like I used to like make fun of him, but I'm realizing he's so useful. I mean, he does everything. Swiffers don't change themselves, everything. I don't even believe, I believe they're like PK where they're just faking something. They're probably not even gay.

They look up gay things on the internet and they're like, yes, yes, girl, yes, everything. He's totally Kaiser So so saying it you know he walks out of there with that limp and he also becomes super straight he's like yeah okay i got my money i think they go home and they're like hey brah did you ever notice murder she wrote on netflix never noticed it yeah when's veronica mars coming brah oh wait hold on a second. Erica's calling. Hi, Beth! Hi, Beth! Yeah! It's everything! Okay, great.

Bye. Love you. Maynard. Like, seriously, you're everything. You're my life. You're my heart. You're my soul. Anyway, my fancy football lineup is totally fucked.

I hope that someone saves Matlock. I can't believe he's finally accused of murder. This is crazy. Yeah, so Mikey, he does everything. I wouldn't be surprised if Erica were like, I can't wait for the next Pixar movie. And he's like, hey, bitch, I just made one for you. Check it out.

He just photoshops her face onto everything. Under the lamp that bounces. I don't give a fuck. I'm going to step on the eye. He's like, congratulations on starring in Beauty and the Beast, bitch. Congratulations on that new Pixar movie,

Erica Story. My favorite one is Finding Erica. You give everyone a woody batch. Hot, dripping, socks batch.

I love that they made a movie about you called The Incredibles because that's what you are, batch. Erica's so full of it, too. She's like, I don't have a budget.

I could spend whatever I want on this party. Like, you liar. You had to get a budget for, like, the grass. Like, hey, what happened to her stripper assistant that she had? Remember Amber? She's like, I'm versus Amber. Amber's like, following her around. She's like, okay, we need to ask Tom

if we can have more money for the formica that's broken in the kitchen. And she had, last year, it was all about how she has to budget each little thing with some little whore she stole off of, you know, handed a legal pad to or whatever. And now she's like, I can do whatever I want.

No. I guarantee that Mikey probably just like had Amber put out to pasture. It was like in Silicon Valley when that guy got into the self-driving car and went up on a cargo ship in the middle of the ocean. That's where Amber is because Mikey shoved her away. He's like, no, I'm number one around here, bitch. Everything shot to the back of the head. Amber died smiling, trying to calculate the price of you know a new

painting painting the pool or whatever so with a studio 54 party um this gives everyone to talk about their memories of studio 54 and i love how lisa was like lisa vanderpump was like well the 80s were very important to me because that was the end of my single days you know i was in the poison arrow video and the very next day i started dating ken and ever since then i've been with him and in honor of that i have not changed my style since then i've locked in my style since the day after the poison arrow video lisa's like one of those kids in a good family just kidding yeah uh where you know how they mark the closet the side of the closet when you

grow and then you see all the marks growing like since she's an adult already you can just tell lisa's getting older by how much the triangle in the back of her head grows because she gets every year it's higher there's a hair traffic cone on the top of her head at all time like what are you hiding under there i feel like rocio is under there just holding it up like it's just a dog um can i have can i have pandora slippers like i'm i'm still holding it i'll wait and see how you do darling so um rena is shows up for the party in this great wig you know i have to say rena doesn't i like when she dresses up like a costume party remember last year for that was it like a Moulin Rouge thing and she slicked back her hair like Rinna does a good costume party yeah she really does this one I felt like she's about to start fucking with Kyle this

season because really a lot of that Lisa stuff look anything that happens on this show pad you can trace back to Kyle on in some way i love i love hate kyle but everything bad i feel like is kyle's fault in some way and i feel like rena gets it yeah like she's like how did kyle skate and she showed up in gold size kyle okay she wore a kyle style costume dress because you know kyle loves her type sequin whatever and she wore kyle gold hair before it started all going down the shower drain. She's going to take on, I think she's going to take on Kyle. And meanwhile, Kyle's dressed like, I mean, I was saying the Raven, but I'm trying to think of something different.

Like, I don't know, Miss Peacock. What are you wearing? Who did that in the 80s? I also like how Disco Mauricio is basically just Mauricio. Because again, like he already has his shirts all the way open and the chest hair coming out. He literally is wearing just normal clothing. He just automatically looks like he's from the 70s because that's how he looks these days. The only thing that has changed in these decades is that penises can be inverted now.

Seriously. It's not all a tuck job these days. Did you catch Mauricio's fucking jaw on the ground watching all the Erika Jayne sex bot tranny hoes? Like, yes, Maurizio. Oh, my God. You can't say that, Ronnie. What?

Tranny. But hoe is okay. And slut sex bot whore is fine. It's just tranny. Okay, possibly transgender. Well, because being a slut sex bot hoe is a choice. So is being transgender. Well, I mean, possibly transgender. Well, because being a slut sex bot hoe is a choice. So is being transgender. Well, I mean, going through.

Just like being a homosexual is a choice, Bean. Just kidding. I just want to start fights on the internet. So Kyle told a story, which I feel like spoke volumes about how she got to where she is. Her mother took her and Kim to Studio 54. This is when Kyle was 10 and kim was probably like 14 or whatever and like the mom would come in and kyle was like well you know i just i wasn't just the typical 10 year old my mom my mom just loved being going to studio 54 i'm like this is why you're fucked up this is a sad story i'm like you think that i mean it's like

funny that you went to studio 54 when you're 10 but it is sad she was pretty she was i mean your mom was so desperate for fame she was like i am gonna be a hanger on studio 54 and i'm bringing my daughters they don't have a sitter they're coming with and they're gonna get famous too and shit was going down at studio 54 okay there's like some direct you was like drugs and passing around. I don't want to know what those kids went through. It was a really sad story. And Kyle's like, yeah, but I know famous people. Andy Warhol.

I'm like, oh, my God. I just kept thinking child rape. That's all I could think. And I was like, this is the saddest story I've ever heard. And then Dorit's like, I thought she said, well, obviously, your mother's a reckless. And I was like, she doesn't know English. But someone english but someone was like no no she meant reckless yeah and then you see kyle's head vein like give it time give it time it's only episode one you know andy warhol was probably pissed he was like i'm here trying to enjoy an artistic drunken fun time at club at studio 54 and some mom is here with her daughters.

I don't know if he talks like that, but that's how I imagine. It's come full circle. And I think Big Kathy's probably really proud that Kim is still doing lines of coke with gay guys named Andy in their 40s or whatever. Nothing changes. So Erica makes her big appearance at the party.

And is it me? I mean, I always get in trouble for these things because I'm woefully uninformed on lots of fashion things. But Erica came in not looking very Studio 54 to me. She looked just like normal. Her hair was just straight. I don't mean normal for her. I wouldn't be surprised if her outfit was like a vintage Versace from 1974. But to me, it just didn't look like...

You're having a Studio 54 party, and that's how you're going to... Like, it did not look... Yeah, that was like some straight-up 2012 go-round slash BB, you know? She's like, you know those things on the couch? They're metal grommets? Is that... No, not grommets. I don't know.

They're the metal things that you nail in. Okay. Yeah, yeah. You know? What are those called? Rivets? Well, rivets is that no not grommet they're the metal things that you nail in okay yeah yeah you know what are those called rivets well rivets it was like big couch things all over her like you know outfit that was maybe i don't know it was probably at least 10 years away it was probably like some vintage outfit that cost ten thousand dollars oh i'm sure it was so i'm sure it was expensive i don't know that it did not speak of a studio 54 party scene well she don't know she don't know she was waiting table someplace you know kyle's like uh i know andy warhol she's like i gave up coffee bud look what i got for frederick's um so when

they arrive erica is playing her own music and every song played like 10 times she only played her own well that well and then they're like let's remix painkiller with something from the 70s to be fair is what we stopped playing painkiller what the producers were playing on the soundtrack it's not necessarily what was playing at the at the no it was playing because member lisa rena was like oh congratulations you made it baby like you married someone rich enough to give you all of this. She's, like, totally passive-aggressive. But, yeah, they made comments. Like, wow, she's playing her own fucking music at her party.

And then she got all these strippers. And they were of all different kinds. She's like, drag queens, transgender, regular. Is that a boy or a girl? You know, which is Erika Jayne. She's like, I'm so loose. But they all were dressed like Erika Jayne. They all looked just like Erika Jayne. It was like a Westworld, you know, which is Erika Jayne. She's like, I'm so loose. But they all were dressed like Erika Jayne. They all looked just like Erika Jayne.

It was like a Westworld, you know? It was like the sex robots on Westworld. Right, yeah. I was just like... Like pre-smartening up. Yeah, I was just... Again, for me, it was just another one of these moments where there was a disconnect for me between who Erika Jayne says she is and who she actually is.

I'm having a crazy Studio 54 party. It's outrageous. But you're – I don't know. She's not – she doesn't come off as – she just is so buttoned up to me. And it's just funny that she's just trying to present herself in this outrageous sex kitten Erika Jayne. But she just feels emotionally buttoned up. And so the entire time I'm sitting here, I'm like, hmm. It doesn't work because I think, and I really actually like her grumpy-ass old man husband.

I like Tom a lot. It's just her sex stuff doesn't work because we see who she fucks. Like, for example, there's disco balls everywhere. You know, like huge disco balls. There's like hundreds of disco balls. And Lisa Rinna's like, whoa, you got disco balls, baby. It's amazing.

And she's like, I love balls. I'm like, that's... No, she says, I love big balls. And I'm like, we know, Erica. Like, you're married to a 100-year-old man. He's probably tripping over those things. Stop making ball references. Like, it doesn't make you sexier to anybody

talking about your husband's big balls being represented at this party that don't even have any food. Yeah, no food. So Lisa and Eileen are there, Lisa Rinna, and they're saying they feel okay about tonight, like they're going to encounter a Vanderpump, you know? And Rinna's like, hey, baby,

I'd rather be better than bitter, baby. Own it. Rather be better than bitter. I like that. That was her little thing. But they're like traumatized. Are you going to talk to Vanderpump? What are you going to do?

Do you feel okay? Oh, I'm okay. How are you? I'm great. I can do this. I'm fine. I'm fine. What is she going to do?

Like what do they think she's going to do? Well, so Rinna and Vanderpump do wind. I'm fine. I'm fine. What is she going to do? Like, what do they think she's going to do? Well, so Rinna, Rinna and Vanderpump do wind up saying hello first. And you can just see Lisa Vanderpump wants to just tear her face off. Like she does not want to see Rinna. She hates Rinna.

And she is going to put Rinna through the pace. She's going to like, talk about like taking the piss out of the situation. She, I mean, we saw what happened with Brandy. She is going to like, be like, okay, you're being friendly to me now. Okay, for the next two years, I am going to just make little barbs and attacks at you. She does, but even with Brandy, Brandy's like, why won't you?

Let's just get over it. And she's like, all right, darling, we're friends again. And then Brandy slaps her. Or Brandy will hit her in the face with an olive branch or whatever. She's like, darling, I'm trying, but you won't let it, like, you won't let me. Like, she'll put you through the mom thing, but at the end of the day, your mom just wants a hug.

But like, Brandy also was like, well, I've said I'm sorry, and she never really did. And she said, well, we both did things that were wrong. And I was like, no, only you did. You really tried to throw up your ass. Like, you know, so Brand Randy, like Lisa Rinna, I think she seems to be like, okay, I understand what I got to do. I know. I got to do it.

And Vanderpump slams are so funny. Lisa Rinna's like, look at us wearing costumes. Wow. We really did it. We really went out. We went all the way or something. We went for it tonight. Yeah. We went for it tonight. Yeah, we went for it today.

And Lisa's like, you always go for it. It's not even anything mean. She just says it in that way. Well, yeah, you do. The swimming pool just turned into a sheet of ice. Everything she says, it doesn't even make sense. She's just like, oh, really? You are.

Look, a cake came out. You're a cake that came out, darling. What are you even saying right now? Yeah, Lisa Vanderpump is like, I might tug on your wig, your inner wig a little bit there. It might be well-deserved. Lisa was like, what, what, what, what, what, what? I'm owning it. And she's making everything a positive, Lisa.

I'm owning it. And she's making everything a positive. Lisa Vanderpump's like, well, you know, other things that I hope that die soon. Ken's sex drive. And your face. Or something.

And Lisa Rinna's like, here we go, we're joking around. Okay, you want to go there? Well, go there. Own it, baby. Game's on, baby. And then Eileen's like, oh my God, how god how was it oh well actually eileen tried to skate well not literally but because she does make a skating reference on the ice pool on the pool ice but uh she uh she sees rena over there and she's like well i'll just go stand next

to lisa rena so then there i've said something nice too you know so she walks up and vanderpump just turns her back to her and starts talking to somebody else at the bar and eileen looks at the camera like can you believe this bitch yes and yes we can we can and earned it was a great moment because yeah they were at the bar and eileen is just waiting like wants to talk to lisa in like a like not that she wants to have a conversation but she wants to act like oh we're moving forward we're being adults and this is just like no i am just not going to talk to you right now and so then eileen of course gets bruised by this but then she but she says that there is potential for a friendship with lisa because she goes i mean

look what happened after the vietnam war everyone's going to vietnam on vacation now i was like okay well i don't know you'll be able to go to vacation yeah we conceded defeat over and the best part of that lisa vanderpump was like well arlene is being very cold to me tonight i'm like great you guys both think you're being cold to each other this is what i don't like i really don't need to see a whole season of Lisa Vanderpump being like, I'm back stronger than ever! You're just crying louder. Like, you're not doing anything strong.

You're just pouting louder. Like, you're momming everybody. Really? Well, you kind of mentioned the fact that you didn't come home until 3 a.m. last night and didn't even call me, and I wasn't sitting up alone playing, you know, solitary in my room while your father snored. It's like, oh, mom sure told me.

Oh, yeah. Come on, lighten up everybody. So then Tom and Mauricio start talking about the benefits of a private plane. Mauricio's like, yeah, I'm gonna buy a plane, but I'm not sure what plane. It's sort of like, I don't know why it annoyed me I don't just cuz they're obviously just doing it on TV to swing their dicks yeah

you know it's like if you could get boners you wouldn't still be talking like that either one of you yeah as a surprise Tom Tom brought Erica's mom to the party and all the kids like oh my god and all the kids are like, oh my god. Yes! It's a mom! Your mom is everything! I like that her mom talks like this.

Yeah. And she's like, well, here I am. I was brought to Erica's party. Look at that. She's had me blocked on the caller ID ever since she left the house, but this is great. Yeah. Thanks. And then, meanwhile, everyone is starving, and they're all getting progressively more and more hangry um and they especially kyle yes they had some scene and it was just

subtitled with kyle like where's their food is there cake where's the food also i want to say something about erica's mom on a serious note didn't erica like live with her grandma i mean what the hell i thought her mom died and also i think that kyle and erica should be best friends because they both had crazy moms it seems like erica's mom did something that she was gone erica had mentioned in season one that erica was the asshole she was like i was just an asshole teenager and i did what i wanted and i ended up living with my grandma so it's kind of weird because then when she's talking about her mom at the party she's like oh my mom really knew how to have fun and like she was just i guess like a free spirit and she really celebrated creativity i was like it's like the saddest mom story night of all time one died two or god knows who that what those two were up to which is very sad it's like all these broken

housewives you know with all these sex bots dancing around them yeah and no food i know that's why there were so many pretty gay people there they're like is there gonna be food at this party no unfortunately great we'll be there yeah she's like nobody cares about food at my parties i'm like this is pasadena people care like people drive here to eat at the cheesecake factory exactly so meanwhile eileen is up to stupidity because, you know, in regards to this, like, cold shoulders, Eileen's like, it seems like maybe Lisa Vanderpump doesn't like me talking to her friend. I'm like, or she just doesn't like you anymore. Because of how crazy you were last season.

How about that, Eileen? Yeah. And you're not going to like Dorit anyway. You know? Like, Dorit's an asshole, and Eileen can see the assholes coming. She's not going to like Dorit. Yeah, she won't. But Dorit's so phony.

She's like, hello, team Crumpets, quesadilla. Do you understand what I'm saying, porqué? And they're like, no. But, okay, we can go to lunch or whatever. And Dorit tells us, she's like, well, I'm very close with Lisa Vindepimp. But, you know, I speak to this woman all alone. And I just don't see the monster there. I'm trying to look at the monster.

You know, we spoke for 30 seconds. I didn't see a single monster. And I'm very well trained with monsters and dragons because I watched Game of Thrones with boy George and my husband in bed. I can't name any of them. Who's the one with the blonde wig who says shame, shame? So then the episode ended with Lisa.

She wanted to leave and get some food, but she thought, no, I'll dance. No one's going to push me out of my group of friends. And so she went out to the dance floor. I'm back! And I'm stronger than ever and then they watch her we they have a shot of her walking alone by the pool like with all this weird confidence but she's kind of wobbly and then she goes on the dance floor and like

i don't know what was that move she's she's like and i'm doing some jitterbug with kyle i was like, you sure showed them, Vanderpump. I learned this move from the trailer for Sing. Wait for it. I've got a very confident bulk step up my sleeve, darling.

Boom, car, boom, boom, car. I had it through the grapevine or at least my ankles did, darling.

It's like you're a regular Rambo, Lisa. Nice revenge. Did somebody say electric slide? It's electric. I love slides. Like, that's not even a horse reference, Erica. Calm down.

And that was the season premiere of Beverly Hills. Beverly Hills! Let's move on to Ladies of London, which this week's episode began all depressing again, thanks to Marissa. I mean, when they did the previous thing on Ladies of London, No kidding. it was Marissa being like,

I can die. I can die. And it was like, Maybe I'll die. It was so heavy that they didn't even do the opening credits. They just showed Ladies of London, and the music was like... And I was just thinking, I know this is so cruel, and so I mean I would never want it to happen,

but I was sort of thinking in this very dark humor way, imagine if Marissa just died in this episode. It's just part of it. It's just part of it. She just died. People went to have tea and talk shit about each other, and Marissa died. Like, that's the TV guy. Marissa died.

They just go forward. The ladies go bowling, and Marissa dies. Previously, on Lays of London, Marissa died, and Caroline Fleming went to Denmark. I mean, obviously, we never would want that to happen, but I was just thinking, because when she says, like, I mean, I could die. I could die. And then I'm like, oh, guess what? She died.

She really died. She just died. That show is just so honest, London. They're like, we're from London. We don't hide these things. She's dead. Like, could you do a diary room with dead Marissa, please? She's still a character she signed the papers ever since she took that dreadful photo with the hot dog it was all downhill

from there oh i like that marissa's like i could die and then she doesn't she's like let's talk shit about people it's like did you learn nothing most people like the light flashes before your eyes i don't know like did you get a christmas passed or like what the hell happened she's like i'm not dad let's bring this bitch down but it was i mean it was it was bad though i mean it was worse than i think we thought it would be from last week she was like it was she was in the hospital for like a week um and uh we learned all sorts of fun stuff she's like they saw the extent of my placenta latinta in it's like what do you even talk i don't even know girl parts at all. Her placenta had moved into her bladder, which was fun.

Well, she did give birth to my goal weight. By the way, I think that's also a metaphor for something in this show. The placenta moving into the bladder. Maybe Annabelle's story arc. She lost 2.5 gallons of blood. And then they cut to Julie making pancakes. Also, I forgot that Marissa says things like she's English part of the time because she married an English guy.

She's like the Dorit of this show. Yeah, she has a smack of Dorit to her. Yeah, but she says that he goes, Get up. Are you in pain, darling? And she's like, That hot. I'm like you shut up you can still use your r's marissa that hot um she's like oh what's up so then we got a glimpse into the

life of julie you know when she has to go and she's like make pancakes and then take a bike to the station and get out of the station the best segment of the show. It was so good. Like, I can't even take it. I have to go. I get on my bike. A bike! And then there's traffic and there's boys. And it's like some frozen waffle. I'm like, your poor children are so, like, they have the worst nutrition.

It's not even unfrozen. You can see that it's still hard. She's like, hurry up, boys. We're taking over Mapperton. And I get on the bike, a bike! And then I wait for the train. Oh, I have to wait there, and there's so many people!

She's like putting her bike on the rack. She goes, And then I have to stand, and then I have to get on the train! It's like, Oh my God, calm down, lady. Just take a car at this point. Everything is about being a stupid American.

Even the plates, and even even the plates and all of her plates and coffee cups have like the brit flag yes no it's like that well i like how um so she gets picked up um at the train station up up by mapperton um uh by by luke and she has a big meeting at the gift shop because her arc this season is turning a profit for a gift shop i'm like this is actually my favorite arc that we've had on bravo because normally they're so ridiculous like i've got to launch a toaster i'm going to launch my new prosecco i mean those are sony arcs but like for once it's like a reasonable arc of like yeah i'm running a gift shop and i want to earn some money it's like okay i can get behind that can you imagine the nervous breakdown she's

gonna have when she has to like decide what names will get keychains on the spinning rack in her gift shop? I mean, she literally said, she goes, we're taking over the entire running of Maverton. It's terrifying. I don't know how many little license plates I should get with people's names on them. And her husband's like, sweetie, if we're completely honest, I don't think it's happening. She's like, hey, he doesn't have American optimism. This gift shop is going to change the world. She's ridiculous.

So then she actually goes to the gift shop. I'm like, this is a real thing. She goes to the gift shop, which is run by two old ladies. Who hate her guts. They hate her guts they hate her anthea is like the wise old one who's been there for like 4500 years and knows everything about the gift shop she knows where all the mugs are and then there's leslie who hates that their camera's there hates that there's american bossing her around it just hates anything and she just

anything that julie says she's like i don't like that the editors were says, she's like, I don't like that. The editors were so good. Julie's like, do you like this? This thing that says Mapperton? She's like, I don't like it. I don't like the color green, actually. And the editors are like, she's wearing a green shirt. And they put a little arrow. They actually stop the frame and point at her.

And then when Liz is like, I don't care for a branded tea table. And then they pause it like, what don't care for a branded tea table and then they like pause it like what we blurred out is a branded cartoon leslie's just hateful yeah and then she's like well listen up girls he luke doesn't think i can do this and we're gonna prove to him he doesn't think just some american just come in here and run a gift shop but we're gonna prove him wrong and leslie's like i'm gonna ruin this bitch this is truly like one of those quaint british indie movies and we every now and then we mentioned them like the englishman who went up the mountain and came down in the gift shop or something like that that's exactly what this is like we are going to teach the entire countryside

this gift shop can turn a profit and save an entire state the girl with the funny accent and vampire eyes is gonna show britain it's like a calm down over there and then she she says i think 10 times in this episode i don't want everybody to just think i'm a stupid american that ruined everything and then this part she goes i mean i don't want to be in a textbook for you know him marrying the girl that ruined mapperton it's like you aren't going to be in a textbook okay calm, calm down. I'm sure the history of Mapperton is not going to be part of Britain's common core for the next few years. They're like the lady who managed that hotel on a hill was sure an idiot. No one's going to teach their children that, okay?

I think we can pinpoint the turning moment for Brexit was when that stupid American took over the gift shop at Mapperton. Brapperton. A referendum to just annex Mapperton alone. How are we going to turn a profit now that we can't sell to the rest of the continent? And everything in that gift store, I mean, it smelled like old lady pee in there. It was just like pee.

It was like flowered plate, or would you like another flowered plate? Hey, how about a flowered plate? How many like another flowered plate hey how about a flowered plate how many dead cats were somehow like in the rafters how many people has leslie scared away in that gift shop you know people are like do you have a plate with flowers and she's like we don't believe in plates with flowers tourist we like our plates to be plain and white. And that's what you get. Meanwhile, it's in, like, an outhouse off to some corner of this gigantic estate. Think bigger.

Just think bigger. A gift shop? Like, you're not going to save a village. He's like, we're running an entire village. It's 200,000 people or whatever. I'm like, you need to, like, get a target in there. Do we think that they have an online portal? I'm going to look up right now.

The Mapperton Gift Shop. I don don't know she has the sandwich shop and then she has now she has her own online community which i mentioned where she's like would you like to get to know julie subscribe and then you know you just i guess you could we should go on there and just be like hey batch but um yeah i guess people pay to just like hang out with julie yeah i just i did love that i mean she did say oh great look at these look at these towels isn't this wonderful and they were like cute they had like maverick like a little map of maverick on it and leslie was like i think they're the worst thing i've ever seen in my life honestly i think we should just burn them in a fire i don't know why you called i don't know even why you have them here in mapperton i was really sad that we got that caroline uh stanbury lost her business because i love talking about her employees last year and this year they're like we

need employees i don't care who they are we need employees and they're like we found a hateful bitch named leslie in some corner of mapperton like bring it And you notice Anthea didn't say a thing the entire time. She just stood there with a little scarf around her neck, a little handkerchief, just staring, smiling politely. What does Leslie think? She and Leslie are going to have a ball. Every time Julie leaves, she's like, that bitch.

Unfortunately, trying hard won't save the village so uh meanwhile caroline fleming has gone to visit her friend kim and uh kim is this basically a model and caroline enters enters in and hugs kim who has a dog named lola and caroline's like, Darling, Lola just peed on the floor downstairs. How lucky are you to have urine near my feet? We see Julie about to have a nervous breakdown and cut to Caroline Fleming, who literally is the richest, most famous person. She's a princess or something.

And her friend's like, How are you? She's like, Uh, difficult. She she's hard pained she's alive i'm so tired i'm so exhausted i'm so emotionally drained and then she sits back on the couch in her praise the sun thing where she just like lies back and goes did you notice that she sat in the only sliver of sun she She squeezed all the way to the edge of the couch because it was coming in and it just squeezed right there. It's like, you are ridiculous.

I do hope this is not a seat reserved for Arun. So yeah, her friend looks just like Liz Hurley. And she's like, coincidentally, Arun used to be married to Liz. And she's like, yes, everyone thinks i look like his twin they say well did he just marry elizabeth again like uh you know that he's just marrying you because you hot he must like to be totally emotionally abusive this is like one of those real housewives of beverly hills stories where they're like oh it's so sad kim got an interview so i guess is kim gonna be a cast member i don't know what they're auditioning a lot of this is a lot and you know i support them all every i love everyone one one like give me a

kim give me a leslie give me an anthea give me an adelaide give me like a hundred adela's by the way we'll get to her in a moment but um i don't i don't remember why she said this i guess caroline's talking about how her dad her dad is sick as cancer is very sad but only caroline can turn this very sad thing into something that just makes me snicker with her like like over-the-top preciousness where she's like i've grown up crying alone shut up caroline you're a princess and that's now i leave a wave of crying busboys wherever i go it's like the origin story of some villain aren't my tears the most wonderful flavor like when she's describing her

friend and she's like she's deeply connected to her heart and soul and then it flashed it flashes back to this girl trying on her wedding dress and she's like i what music should i choose for my wedding every song makes me want to cry oh oh yeah she's really connected really deep when caroline's like i cannot bear that daddy's sick i cannot bad if he dies i cannot bad if he gets a cookie crumb into his grave he'll have to sleep with cookie crumbs forever i mean we haven't even consulted the statuette of our daddy's statue when he passes. So then we have, like, then it's like the commercial break. When we come back, we have, like, what is supposed to be the post-opening credits montage of everyone doing things. It's Caroline Stenberg washing a child and Sophie walking a dog and Marissa at home with a baby. And then ultimately we land on Caroline Fleming again.

And she has, now she's back in Denmark and she's with Juliet. And I love, you know, like, first of all, I'm like excited. I'm like,

great. This is going to be a Caroline Fleming heavy episode. So everything she does, I'm just like squealing with joy. But then she brings on like, I love when she brings Juliet because she loves to talk down to Juliet and Juliet loves to be talked down by her. So they're in the car, and Caroline Fleming's like, I'm so glad that you're here.

And I'm just imagining, she's like, I can't wait to see your reaction to all the O's that have slashes in them. You'll be so confused. I like how she says everything to Juliet, like, I'm so grateful that I could let you be a part of this, because Juliet works so hard on her little blog. I'm so

happy that I could show her at least a bit of respect and kindness. I'm sure she's not getting it on the internet, but here she is, thanks to me it's a lot to take in the poor girl but you know what I always try to help a commoner where I can

I'm so happy I could let you be in a car to drive to the hotel instead of walking somewhere Caroline Fleming literally says it means a lot to me to invite Juliet I'm like congratulations on fulfilling yourself by doing something for yourself and juliette's like oh yeah here we are again whoa yeah this is like

remember last time when we were here and like we were at your mansion like i'm here again my name's like yes you were one of the only ones that didn't have family members. Lucky enough to be slaughtered by my family members. Poor Juliet. And then that's when Caroline starts telling about, like, I lived a very unconventional life for someone as amazingly rich and powerful as I am. I didn't go and marry a prince like I was supposed to. I married a commoner. That's it.

Like a super wealthy one. I married a commoner. That's it. I'm like a super wealthy one. I had a love child. I got a divorce and had a love child. A lot of things were not looked on as appropriate. How lucky are you to have me to invite you into me? It's like, let us pray for father because I cannot bear it.

If we have another moment without praying for father, she's like, oh. And Juliet's like, let us pray for father because I cannot bear it. If we have another moment without praying for father, she's like, oh. And Juliet's like, just looking out the window like, where is the Comte cheese? And when they arrive at the hotel, there's all these tourists. It's a beautiful hotel. And there's all these tourists taking pictures. I'm like, I cannot believe Caroline Fleming didn't just jump in front of all these cameras. Like, they're all here for me, Juliet. I'm so terribly sorry, Juliet, that all the paparazzi have arrived.

I wanted to make this a casual experience for you, and unfortunately you just get to see me in all my fame and all my glory. I'm so sorry for you, but how lucky are you to be invited into my fame by me? So they get up to their hotel room and immediately Caroline Fleming starts remaking the bed and she's just going crazy. It's like, no, there's a crease. That can be, we cannot crease, cannot crease.

And Juliet's like, you're seriously, you're making a bed? I'm just like, yes, that's what I do. And I cut back to when she did it last time. I was like, well, I went to a boarding school where beds were perfect. a bed i'm just like yes that's what i do they cut back to when she did it last time it's like well i went to a boarding school where beds were perfect but last last time the bed was kind of messy but this time the bed wasn't but i loved how caroline something goes no you know just so when we come back tonight we are going to be really comfortable i'm like nothing says comfortable

like being in bed with someone who can't have a single crease like you're not gonna be able to move you're gonna be just like in corpse pose the entire night she says i'm very very vago it's like where did that when did you get that accent and she goes actually i'm a symmetrical perfectionist okay thanks for specifying i'm full of nonsense that's what that means so jules and her husband are walking the ground and she's like the girls are gonna come in two weeks they think we live in luxury i mean it's enormous i mean how much did you say this place cost luke and he's like about 200,000 200,000 pounds a year you know just to keep it going oh it's so much my so many keychains yeah and she's concerned because like luke's mom

knows this place inside out and she's like i don't know if I can be like your mom, which was great because then he gave us a flashback of Caprice talking to Luke's mom. I was like, oh, Caprice, you beautiful idiot. Yeah, and he's like, darling, it took my mother 30 years to learn the tourist spiel. And then they showed the mom doing the tourist spiel, and she's like, first you walk down the steps and you see the garden. Then you walk through the garden. And you walk other steps that actually take you down into a garden.

I'm like, what is so hard about this? And I like how Luke is like, listen, love, don't worry. There's plenty of fun to be had. You know, Emma can have her 18th birthday in the orangerie. I was like, I love this show. She needs to just turn it into a fake TMZ tour. No one wants to tour a bunch of damn plants, okay? Just be like, Julia Roberts lives there.

Justin Bieber took a naked picture over there. Just make it up. This is Padmore. Everyone's just going to say I'm a dumb American. Like, you're not helping. So then Caroline and Caroline Stanbury. It's a posh, posh life. It's a posh, posh life.

Chanel, Pindell, Cadell, Buffon. So Chanel, Caroline Stanbury and her sister Victoria, then they go and they take a meeting with Bianca Ladlo and interior designer to the stars because they need to set up uh her house in dubai um and i i just love caroline stanbury she's like you know when you come from an aristocratic family you settle into country life build a home and then look at each other for 27 years and then you die so i don't want to do that for myself. I want better for myself. And they're showing her all these, like, zillion dollar listings.

And it's like, six terraces I've got. And they're like, yes, and there's the multiple pools and a cinema and a dressing room. And she's like, Mariah Carey has that. It's like the only moment you ever see her truly happy is when she's ruining a bitch or looking at money yeah or when she feels like she could be mariah carey which is hilarious yeah all i want timing on that one all i want for christmas is you to shut up so she's pinching herself and i like that she brought her sister because she's like my sister and i are complete opposites she loves to raise children babies clean a home no not me so it's like you bring your like normal sister she's like look at my mansion in my pools and sister's like you're great

you're great so um meanwhile uh soph, Sophie meets up with Marissa. And Marissa is, you know, still bringing so much joy to the show. She's like, you know, a couple of weeks ago I thought I'd have a prolapsed vagina and my vagina would be on the floor. Oh, great. She's like, I met Sophie eight years ago at her wedding. And we'd like to, like, dance on tables and drink rosé. And I haven't been able to do that for the past year. I almost died.

I almost died. I can die. Sophie's like, wonderful. Thank you for having me over. I wonder if the people shooting this show sometimes just look at each other like, what are they going to do with this footage? Sophie's like, I can't believe you guys are pairing me with these awful Americans. I have to pretend to be friends with.

One's got a broken vagina and one's dealing with a gift shop. This is not my life. Oh, we go back to the sisters. It's cross-cut back and forth. I grew up with maids, butlers, gardeners, people with white gloves, candy makers, music drawers,

Wainwrights and wagon makers. Box, box stackers. Mac. All those box stackers. I mean, if I found a box that was out of place, I couldn't even play with it for one second before someone stacked it on something else. Bread stackers door stops door openers door closers car drivers it does explain her mothering though because she's like

our parents sent us to boarding school they believed that children were to be seen not heard do you remember that sister and the sister's like yes i would be so terrified to go to boarding school i didn't want to leave mummy and i would be barfing up the side of the car and mummy would just be yelling get over it you stupid hooker face but i would go and here we are that's why you can't touch your own children yeah she's like why are you talking to me clear the children clear the children clear um so sophie uh so sophie's um talking to marissa about this whole situation with julie and sophie feels that caroline was using her to have a go at julie i'm like oh well congratulations you figured that one out pretty quickly it's pretty obvious um so that

happened how are they talking about they had a flashback to jules right because oh marissa's like i got a rundown from Jula. And then they showed them at lunch, and Jules is like, I got called a bitch and a whore and a stupid American who can't run a village? No one's apologized. Well, so then after all this, it's basically like a nothing thing. So after this, then Caroline Stanbury and Adela go shopping for a Dubai wardrobe. Now, Adela, I'm starting to realize that I always thought that Caroline Stanbury was the queen bee,

but I think that Adela is the one who reigns above them all. She seems like she is the one who is calling all the shots, because she is so mean to Caroline here. I think she was the one who ruled, but now she's not rich. Like, Caroline's the richer one, so Caroline's taken over in a way. And Adele's like,

I'm showing I'm making riches, blouse! Like, she's even doing this when she's talking in the diary room. She's moving like this. But Adele comes in and she's like, you know, Caroline had awful style. I mean, literally awful style. But she copied all of us. And now she looks great.

One time I had a bag. It was a Christian Dior bag. And Caroline looked at it. And I could see her look at it. And the next time I saw her, she had the same bag. Isn't it wonderful that she learned by copying us because she has no taste for herself. And then she started right up with Caroline. She's like, have you sorted it

out with Sophie? You know, you really did throw her under the bus, darling, the way you did that. And Caroline's like, how dare you? She goes, you don't want me to scream at Jules? Well, I'm going to scream at Jules. It's such a childish fight. And Adele is like, you know, I think that you should reach out to Julie.

I think, you know, I had dinner with her and she's just a lovely girl, lovely American girl. I mean, she's worried about a gift shop for crying out loud. Just reach out to her. And Caroline's just like, I think you're pathetic. And then they show another clip of Jules. This time she's at lunch with Adela. And Adela's like, darling, how do you feel

after the party? Like, just being so dramatic. And Jules is like, I was told about the kind of person I am. I could have died. I almost died! Right there! I almost just fell over dead!

If Leslie were ever to find out that, I'd be considered a dangerous person. I would be banned from the gift shop for life. I don't want a textbook to say, oh, dangerous, she's dangerous. People need to feel safe at Mapperton. So Caroline starts getting like a child. I mean, Caroline is told off by moms all episode.

In this one, she's episode and this one she's like well she's pathetic and surely she has her own friends without trying to steal mine what a pathetic loser of a woman you know and adela's like you know you stop it i don't like that and i think she's a wonderful girl you should apologize and caroline starts yelling at her and she's like no don't give me those puppy dog eyes, Caroline. And Caroline goes, oh, these aren't puppy dog eyes. These are the eyes that think you're pathetic.

And she's like, oh, whatever. And she goes, I always stick up for the weaker person. Like, I'm sure. It's like the girl grinding up the dog food, you know? Yeah, exactly. So then over in Denmarkmark uh carolyn thumbing and juliet are getting dressed there's a big discussion of a jumpsuit or no jumpsuit

and she's like i like the jumpsuit and carolyn something's like i'm not sure about this then so she changes like five times and then juliet goes i like that one she says well it is your choice juliet i will wear whatever you'd like so she changes outfits 10 times and then she's like it's time to go Juliet chop chop car's leaving we've got to go and she's like I didn't even get to dress myself hurry up so the wind beneath your wings is leaving you little pigeon so I think this may have this little snippet may have been my favorite part of the entire episode they get get to this event. It's for Elle magazine.

It's like Elle Denmark. And it's like an award show. And there's a step and repeat. And Caroline Fleming and Juliet are standing on the step and repeat. And Juliet is standing to the left of Caroline Fleming. And Juliet's like, maybe it's better if I'm on this side. And she walks to the other side of Caroline Fleming. And she goes, is this your better side?

Is this your better side? And then Caroline Fleming looks at her and smiles and then walks to the other side of caroline fleming and she goes is this your better side is this your better side and then caroline fleming looks at her and smiles and then looks at the press and juliet's like oh okay and she goes back to the other side like caroline fleming does not say anything but she is so powerful that she can give that look that says bitch get back on my left side you listen with a smile jul like that juliet's like she's so famous i'm like well it's just a lady who tried to choke me to death with almond butter i don't know why everyone's on their knees but she's like royalty like she's like oprah i was like no she's not please everybody stop saying so and so is like oprah yeah. There's Oprah. And then we get a hint of how famous

she is because she knows Tori Spelling. It's like Tori and Dean. She's like, oh, hello, Tori. Yes. Tori Spelling is there for some reason, looking crazy with Dean. But the best part about Caroline Fleming is that she pretty much dismisses them. She does. She's like, alright, well, I'm sure

I will see you around. I have to go now. Bye. Yeah. Tori's like, well,, well, I'm sure I will see you around. I have to go now. Bye. Yeah. Tori's like, well, we should meet up later. And she's like, I would love that. Come along, Juliet. Yes. And then some reporters come and are asking Caroline how she's doing.

And she's like, not well in Danish. She was like, blaka, blaka, flaka, blaka, cha. But she's like, not well. Daddy is sick. He has cancer. He's very ill.

We're very concerned. And then afterwards she's like, I can't believe I said that. They caught me off guard. I was like, all they said was, how are you doing? She's like,

what have I done? And then the rest of the night, they show it like she's about to give some big speech. And she's like, guten tag, and a frog frog. And everyone's like, oh my god. And the subtitles are just like, welcome to the evening. And Julia's like, she's won something. Like she doesn't know the language. Julia is just like clapping.

She's like, Hans Christian Andersen. And then all of a sudden, it fades to black and goes to commercial. It was so weird. It was such a weird show. So they get in the car and I don't know where this took place actually, but Fleming is telling her. They caught me quite off guard with all those questions. Sometimes I just, I'm too honest with the press.

And they really caught me off guard. And she's like, look, it's our headlines. Oh, here it is. Caroline Fleming's father dying of cancer. There was a tear in her eye. Oh, this is so depressing. Like, you are such a bitch. I am too honest. I am too good at this.

I am too good and too sympathetic. Do not flop down on the bed, Juliet. She really is an asshole to do that to her dad. And by the way. He is dying of cancer. Do you think he wants all these people with iPhones clicking up at his bedroom? Let the man alone. I know.

But by the way, she did scold Juliet about lying on the bed. Did you see that? No, what'd she tell her? Well, they come into the hotel room after the whole night. And Juliet's like, oh, thank God. And she flops down on the bed, and Calum Fleming's like, no, no. I made that bed. The bed is not for flopping.

You only get in the bed when you're absolutely ready for it. I'm sorry. I'm too honest with you, Juliet. I know. These things are complicated. You're a simple person. That's what I love about you. She goes, why does life have to be so complicated?

And Juliet is staring at her like, shut up, bitch. She's like, can I talk? Can I get a sandwich from room service? I'm starving. No, darling, we do not do room service unless they have pumped cheese. So Sophie comes over to Caroline's rental house. And I'm like, what?

It's funny to think of Caroline with a rental. And she's like, I brought the children over for a play date. This is our new nanny. I was like, you people, really? You're bringing a nanny while you're both sitting there at the play date. I thought that was so funny. The kids go to play on the big toy. Sophie goes, I quite like it, this home.

I mean, it is small, but it's cozy. Children like being in small places. Who raises you people? You poor things. I'm sorry. I'm just like Caroline Fleming. I'm just too honest. Let me see what it says here.

Basically, they have a conversation. said in 20 years i've never been on the receiving end of caroline's annoyance and it sucks but then she's acting like because caroline starts yelling at her too she's like well i'm doing well i hope that you're feeling less emotional and sophie's like oh yes well i am feeling less emotional you know after the divorce and i'm starting to feel better like refusing to take the hint caroline's like yes because you were quite a mess the other day when you tried to ruin my life at that party with the whatever she's like oh god caroline's always good for a scold you know caroline's actually right in in this and what i love is that she just eviscerates Sophie. And so, you know, Sophie's like,

I just, I felt like I was thrown under the bus. And Caroline's like, well, you actually threw me under the bus for that dangerous comment. And Sophie's like, well, okay, I'm sorry. I said I'm sorry. She keeps throwing up her hands and saying like, I'm sorry. And Caroline's like, well, sorry is not good enough, alright? It's not good enough. First you go and you run your mouth, then you get

mad at me for saying this, and now I'm the bad guy. And don't you see what you've done here? You've mocked it all up, Sophie. Now we have Brexit because of you. Yeah. She really did start it, though, because Sophie told that girl she went speedwalking with Jules. And she's like, well, you know, she says you're loose-lipped and dangerous. So she doesn't want anything to do with you.

And, you know, Jules is a neurotic mess. Yes. And then Sophie calls Caroline crying, saying she felt like she was the one being put on the spot by them yeah which isn't cool like she's starting to yes sophie would sophie's apology would would work if she said listen i'm sorry i didn't realize it would turn into such a thing but the reason why it's not working with caroline's because she's saying oh you threw me under the bus it's like no you did it to yourself sophie and now she's saying it's no big deal she said i said i was sorry but it's no big deal i put my hands up and i say i'm sorry i put my hands up and i say i'm she just kept on doing that and caroline's like well now i can't trust my family

because now you give caroline an inch and she's just gonna come and like just take it down to place and second time in an episode, someone said, just because you're yelling doesn't mean you're winning. Because that's what Adela told her, too. She's like, you can throw a fit all you want in this store, but you're still wrong. They're all scolding her. And they're right. She is a total spoiled brat, and she does that.

But Sophie's really wrong in this situation. It just so happens that Caroline actually is almost 100% right in all these things. Like, honestly, I don't think she's ever been wrong. Well, she's like a total asshole. And I love that she... In the best way. She makes them cry. Like, she was wrong to mock poor Julie when, you know, she knows it's her boyfriend who's, like, trying to sell a yoga anything.

Oh, you mean for the New Year's thing? Yeah, because that's still what Jules is mad about. It was such a stupid... But she could just say, say like i didn't mean to hurt your feelings that would never be my thing but you know like she's an asshole in that way but these girls are really coming for her because earlier marissa had sophie over and was like um you know caroline you think you're her friend but is that a friend or is that a minion? Like, she was basically telling... I could die. I could die and you're being totally used.

Yeah. And then the whole thing ends because a kid, like, fell off the swing set and was like, Mommy! And so they had to go save the kid. And he's like, oh, you're all right. You're all right. Don't you worry, darling.

And Sophie told him, you just have to be really, really careful, okay? I was like, take your own advice, bitch. You about to go down. Yeah. And that's where it ended. And that's where we're going to end for today. So everyone, thank you so much for listening to this big, long episode.

Thank you, Maria, for sitting here. Thank you, Maria. And enduring it all. Thank you, Donut Place, for providing us with donuts, because we have donuts here, and thank you, Rumchata. That was beyond delicious, the Rumchata with coffee. That was good. Even alone. I drank another one alone,

and it's good, too. So, super fun times. We will be back before you even know it with some below deck goodness. Kelly added us on Skype, by the way. He sent us a message saying, I added you guys. So anyway,

it's going to be super fun. Thanks for listening, everyone. And we are going to talk to you all in the next episode. Bye! Hey, Prime members. You can listen to Watch What Crappens ad-free on Amazon Music. Download the Amazon Music app today. Or you can listen ad-free with Wondery Plus in Apple Podcasts.

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