Watch What Crappens - #3549 RHONY S16E3 Part One: The Lichey Plague Party

Episode Date: September 23, 2026

This is part one of a 2-part recapVulture’s Dame Brian Moylan joins Ronnie to discuss Erin awarding plague crowns on this week’s Real Housewives of New York. Well, that’s one way to fight the ��boring” allegations. Follow Brian on Insta @brianjmoylan, read his fab Vutlure articles https://www.vulture.com/author/brian-moylan/ and subscribe to his substack https://rhodetoriches.substack.com/ ! We’re back on tour Oct 3! Get our In the Mix tickets for your city at watchwhatcrappens.com. To watch this recap on video, listen to our bonus episodes, sign up for our free weekly newsletter and get ad free listening, go to Patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens.Find bonus episodes at patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens and follow us on Instagram @watchwhatcrappens @ronniekaram @benmandelker Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello and welcome to Watch What Crapins. I'm Ronnie, and today, for this very special Real Housewives of New York recap, I'm with the gorgeous and talented Brian Jehosephat Moylan. Hello, Dave. That's me. That's exactly my middle name. I don't know how you knew that. I try to keep it a secret.

The Brian J. I'm always trying to figure out what the J is. Jeremy. It's just, boring. Well, let's stick with a host of that. It's a holy episode today. Yeah, exactly. Much more exciting than James.

You can find Brian, of course, on Vulture. It's one of our premier eminent culture critics here in the world, well, in the regular world and also Bravo world. And also, he has a substack that's really good if you want to read some real housewives of Rhode Island recaps. And, of course, yield Instagram. and a new book coming out soon. I don't know if we're allowed to talk about that yet. Well, we can, it's coming out. We have a year.

We have a while. So I'll be back to share all the details. Okay. Okay. Well, one's coming down the pike. One's in the oven. Yeah. Yeah.

So how are you feeling about Real Housewives of New York this year? I am feeling very good. And I will tell you why. And I was thinking about this. And I feel like a lot of times when we have new women who come on the show, they show up and they want to fight. It's like we're house-fights fans and we know what the audience wants and we are going to make drama and we're going to be crazy and whatever. And I really appreciate that. Our three new girls haven't done that.

Like they're just showing up. They're being themselves. They're taking time to get to know everybody and they're going to decide who they want to fight rather than. than just starting, you know, like, remember Bryn the first episode of the reboot? She's like, oh, she didn't serve cheese. That's so weird. And like, trying to make shit happen.

It's like, don't try to make shit happen. Just let the shit happen. And so I think that that's been really good. And so far, I like the new girls. I like the old girls. I think Carol came back at just the right moment. So I'm feeling good. about the season. How are you feeling about the season?

I'm with you. I'm enjoying it so far. I'm a little I don't know, gun-shy, post-traumatized to where I'm not going to jump on the bandwagon just yet, because I think everyone's like, oh my God, it's amazing again. And they're back in there. It's back. It's back. Yeah, no. I'm waiting. Yeah, I'm waiting. I give, anytime a new housewife starts, I give them like five episodes to settle in.

And so I feel the same way about this season. It's like, give it a little bit of time to see where it lands. But I'm seeing lots of promise. I'm seeing lots of good signs. Good signs. And I'm appreciating watching it. Like, I am enjoying it. I'm even enjoying Aaron's terrible ass because she is really terrible.

And, you know, some people take a lot from the audience and then they come back and they try to fix themselves, la Si. Sy has come back with a different personality. I think this is her third go at it. And, you know, boring. Like, I'm not really into that because, like you said, I like them to just naturally be kind of crazy and then fight when it comes naturally.

So I, you know, I think Cy and Aaron were the ones who started that whole, oh, she has a cheese boy. That's a disgusting cheese boy. Did you hear what she said about your cheeseborn? sexy. So that was a disaster. And then she came back the next year and tried something else. And this year she's trying something else. So I'm not sure. But Aaron is just still horrible. Like she's like, you know what? You think I'm horrible? And I'm going to mean 10 times more horrible. What do you think about that? And I appreciate that. That's because that's just who Aaron is. And that's why Aaron is a great housewife. And I know people don't like her. But it's like Aaron never. It's like Ramona Singer. She never thinks she did anything wrong because she thinks so highly of herself and that she's so great that, you know, oh, the fans can't be possibly mad at me. You know, like she's always saying like, oh, everyone's going to be in love with me.

It's like, no, you have no idea who you really are. You have no idea how you come across, whatever. And as for sigh, I think that deep down inside, sigh is mean, but funny. And it's like if she just let herself be mean and funny, we would love her. Like people would go crazy for it. But yeah, she feels like she needs to hide it. It's like, no, bitch, don't hide. Just be mean, but be funny.

Just be mean. Yeah. If you're naturally mean, be mean. It's when you're trying to be mean to get a scene that really is annoying. And I definitely agree with that part because some of the housewives that get on my nerves the most are just constantly trying. Like, Giselle is constantly trying. trying to start a fight, you know? Yeah.

She looks at that as her job. And in a way, I can see that because you do need somebody moving that stuff forward, but not in such an unnatural way. It's like, come on, let's get some art about this, you know. And so this one's great because you have people like Haley coming on who is just naturally kooky. Like, I don't think she's even putting that on. I think she's really deeply fucked up and disturbed.

And, you know, God knows what she's done to her. herself, she's seen herself in the, you know, tabloids and stuff. Oh my God. Yeah. She's a kook, you know, and she's slowly being pushed over the edge, which I appreciate. I cannot believe that Haley is 39 years old. Yeah. And I don't know that she looks like, you know, it's one of those things. I don't look, I don't know that she looks old. She just doesn't. No. I think it's just when you have so much surgery, you just naturally look 60, even if you do it when you're 20. Like some of those love Island kids, I'm like, are you 60?

Like, are you going to your child's college graduation? Like, where are you going? Yeah, it's like too much. But yeah, no, I'm enjoying Haley a lot. I like Daisy. She seems like someone I really want to be friends with. Erica, jury's still out a little, but we'll see. Erica, I can't tell you.

At first, I was like, why? Because she's just like, yeah, I really like that too. And I was like, no, no. one season. But then this week we see her getting, we see her simmering this week, you know, where she's not just all smiles. And you start seeing a little crack there, mostly around her husband. And she's telling us like, oh, my husband is so amazing. And we got married at the pyramids. And we did all this stuff. But then when you see her with her husband, I'm like, you're going to kill your husband, right? Like, is that what's going to your mind? Are you? Yeah. She is after

49% of built rewards. That's what she is after. It's good advertising, though. I was like, I could get points for my mortgage. Same. I was like, I need to look into her. Because I was like, why is this guy here? We have seen men worth a lot less be like, I don't want anything to do with this platform. So that this guy who seems both cute and funny and a billionaire is showing up to be on the show. Don't like great. Let's have them. And not only showing up, but kind of winking at the camera. It's kind of, it was giving me Tinsley's boyfriend.

Remember when Tinsley had the coupon king? Yes. I was thinking of him just because it's a built rewards thing. But Scott, the coupon king, wishes he was the built rewards guy. Yeah, I do too. I think getting married in Egypt is fun. It just seems like such hard. It looks so dusty.

Who wants all that dust at their wedding? Just all your guests sneezing. Getting married at the pyramids. What a terrible thing. Seriously. I was like, can we get like a Marriott in Hawaii with some merit conditioning? That sounds fine. That sounds glamorous.

Yeah. Okay. So here we are. Episode 1603, a Cedar in Brooklyn. This show really did. kind of win me over for the season when Aaron decided to award people plagues. I thought that was just so Aaron to be like the arbiter of plagues while she's trying to have a fun, sassy season.

Aaron has been handing out plagues her entire life. Actually, this has always been Aaron's role in Passover. And they were like, now for the name of the plagues, Aaron. All the other housewives have games like, oh my God, have you ever had a three. some and Aaron's like, I've got a game. Which plague are you? Yeah. Which plague do you trust the least?

Lies. So now we go, which I didn't even know Lice was a plague. I guess you learned things. Yeah, the things we learned from Housewives, lice, a plague. what do you mean my house isn't like hurricane Katrina do you want me to show you pictures of her and king Katrina the worst the worst I will say though when Jessel was like oh maybe it's insurance fraud

I was like okay that's a step too far especially because we know if a housewife is going to attempt insurance fraud she's going to stage a break in so I don't know that this this fake this Flood is what Aaron needed. Was flood one of the plagues? Is flood a plague? Is that the plague that has been visited about Aaron? I feel like if lice is a plague, then flood can be a plague. Yeah.

I mean, Noah got flooded. That's true. Well, yeah, the world got flooded. And they had to take two animals on each of the boat or whatever, but I don't know if that was considered a plague. I know that Aaron is considered a plague and she got flooded. So do plagues plague other plagues? Like, do the frogs fall on the locusts? Frogs and locusts are notoriously hate each other.

They are, yeah, they're like the Melissa and Teresa of the animal world. So we start with pickleball, the dreaded pickleball. I'm so happy for paddleball to come around and try and kick pickleball's ass. I really think pickleball has had too long on the national stage. Isn't paddle or whatever it is just pickleball with a different name? Isn't it the same thing with two different names? Isn't it like soccer and football? It's a mix between pickleball and racquetball.

And I guess tennis in a way. Because there's glass walls and then you have to hit or you can hit the ball up against the glass wall as well as over the net. Got it. It's very different. I'm sick of Housewives pickle balls. It's like the new vaginal rejuvenation. Like every housewife has to go and do it, and I'm sick of seeing it. Yeah, me too.

So the instructor teaches him, whatever, who cares? And it's Haley and Jessel. And Jessel, it's like an idiot. I don't know why you would ask Jessel to play anything ever. I don't think she can play. No, I wouldn't ask Jessel to play checkers. I wouldn't ask Jessel to play music. Like, I wouldn't even want to want to.

watch her try to turn on the Amazon thing. No, I would not ask Justtle to play hooky, for sure. So they play for a bit. We find out that Haley's been a tennis player her whole life because she grew up at the country club. And from there, I played in high school, and I was captain of the tennis team. And then I was offered a scholarship, but then I got really into weed. And so that didn't go over well with the tennis.

She lost everything to eat. If this was a different time, that would have been like, this is a hardcore drug addict story. No, this would have been like a dare to keep kids off drugs, PSA commercial starring Haley Glassman. This is your brain on drugs any questions. Yeah, and Ed Cracken on a tennis court. You know, your tennis brain, it's done. So she told us the whole John Gadsland story, which I remember when it happened, because I was a member of the tabloid press at the time.

And I remember knowing. All right. Then that she didn't break up the marriage, but she was the girlfriend right after the breakup. So it's- Okay, so she's telling the truth. Yeah. And, and yes. And so I think that's for real.

So it was surprising to me when Aaron was like, you broke up a marriage. It's like, oh, Aaron, shut the fuck up. Just misinterpreting things willfully, once again, for your own ends. Yeah. And don't you think she's been through enough? I mean, she was with John Gosling. I know. And only because her mom wanted her to be.

I mean, that's like so many horrible things wrapped into one. What do people listen to their mothers? Like, you should date so-and-so. Do mothers ever pick well? I can't imagine. If my mother was picking someone for me to date, it would probably be a priest. So. My mom would pick a priest and then judge the fuck out of the priest for being gay.

Probably at the same time. That's my mother the same. She'd be like, you two can date each other because I know that man can't have sex with you and you can't get married. And so the church says no. So celibacy all around. Yay. Everybody.

It's time for a commercial. It's time for a crappence commercial. Years ago, my mom tried. She was like, I'm going to be a good gay mother, you know, because she was mortified. She was a really Christian lady. And so it took them, it took my parents a long time. And they had a restaurant one time in Austin. And my mom was like, I'm going to try and be a good gay mom and hook Ronnie up.

So she's like, come to dinner. I have this guy to introduce you to. And I said, where did you meet him? And she said, I do charity at the drug and rehab alcohol center. And I was like, oh, that's nice. And he's like, yeah, I've been out for three days. Yeah. He just like, bless his heart.

I mean, he was nice and everything. But I was like, maybe, you know, three days out from a heroin addiction. I mean, maybe just take some more time, you know? But I was like, mom, geez. She's like, well, you've been stealing my cigarette since you were 12. Who are you to talk about addiction? I was like, I'm not judging the addiction. I'm just saying.

Like, if we're going to start playing mismatchmaker, I don't know. let's make some kind of an effort. Don't just pick up the first person you see at the charity. Exactly. Like, come on. There wasn't a priest that she could introduce you to? Just go with him. He's got eight children, honey.

You know he's good with kids. Like, what the fuck, Mom? I am very skeptical of Haley's mom. Yes. So, first of all, this is a major red flag. for me and you hear on housewives all the time my mom and I are best friends like no that's never the way it should be like whenever you hear that run run for the hills like that's not you should not have a best friend relationship your mother should be your mother and

you should have other friends that's the way the world works so period yeah and then it is a sign that you that nobody else wants to talk to you i think Yes, right. It's like, oh, I can't make friends. So it's like bringing your mom to prom, right? It's like, oh, I have no friends. So now I have to go with my mom. That's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, leave a little space for the Lord.

Would you like to meet my friend the priest? But when Haley's mom calls and Haley's like, I'm in a confessional. And the mom is just talking about like the most mundane shit, just like talking, talking, talking, and Haley's like, I have to go, I have to go, I have to go. And she doesn't listen. I was like, oh, my God, she's been dealing with this her whole life, just her mother talking at her and she can't get it word and edgewise. It's like, no wonder she's dating John Gosselin and trying to go on a reality show.

Like, this woman just wants attention from somebody in her life. Yeah, she's trying to get away from her tap dancing, tap dancing monster of a mother. And her mom talking all the time about tap dancing. That's another thing that, and I'm a tap dancer from back in the day. I'm a tap dancer from back in the day. You are? Yes. Oh, my God.

And so I grew up in the great state of Connecticut, and, you know, there were never enough boy tap dancers. And so we would get like, there was a group of us that we'd get shuttled around to like different kind of regional community theater, whatever, needed tap dancing. And one of the other gentlemen who was a tap dancer at the time was James Vanderbeek, R-A-P. So James Vanderbeek and I used to go and like tap in fucking random-ass musicals. No way. Yeah. That's crazy. I was like a community theater kid tap dancer and I used to take tap classes and I was the only boy.

And so I got to play all the boy roles. I mean, there are huge ones. I mean, I was Santa Claus and I was a snowman. I mean, but that was one year. I got two lead roles just from being a guy. That was amazing. And then a couple of years ago, I saw James, Vanderbeek in the parking lot of the UPS and his kids were all in the car and I was passing the car and I was like I've never seen wider children. They're all like white blonde hair. And I was like, are you guys okay? Because they were just in the car alone. They were like, yeah, mister, we're fine. And their dad came out and it was James Vanderbik wondering why that guy in tap shoes was talking to his children. He's like, I cracked a window for them. They're fine.

Pretty much. So, yeah, the mom's like, yeah, oh, anyway, honey, and I was wondering if I should get bangs back. Maybe I should, oh, God, I got to get back into tap dancing. I got to get back into tap dancing. She's like, Mom, I got to go, mom. I got to go, okay? I'm feeling things too. Oh, well, you feel things, honey, but bangs and tap dancing.

Okay, well, just call me back and you're ready to hear him outboard, bangs and tap dancing. Should we get bangs into tap dancing? Well, I think it's passed me by. You still have hair. You can do bangs. I'll get bangs. You can do tap dancing. And together we'll make Haley's mother proud.

Yeah. Oh, God. The other thing I want to know about is Haley's husband, Ruben, who named after the sandwich. Where is Ruben? What does Ruben do? Is Ruben as gay as Haley? why she doesn't seem excited about this marriage. Why is it still happening?

I need to know everything about the marriage. Well, my husband Tuna used to know him. They used to hang out, which is the way that I know who he is. Okay. Basically, from what I've read, from very, very good sources, Reddit, is that he's a jeweler in the Hamptons, I think. his family owns like a jewelry company. And he doesn't want to be on TV because he doesn't like want to ruin the family jewelry

reputation, I guess. And I've seen this picture. And he does, I mean, if you told me that he was getting bangs and tap dancing, I would believe you. So got it. Well, and you know, your husband does know him. My husband, too, now. Yeah. I don't know much about him.

I think the love story is pretty sad because she's saying, yeah, well, my mom got me with John Gosselin, and everybody hated me in America. I was saying, I'm like a horrible human being. And then I was broken, and I just wanted someone, anyone, to take care of me. And so he did. And so I'm still what? Do I love him? I mean, but he's there. And he takes care of me.

So I don't know how their relationship is now, but it's not going to be great after he sees this on TV. Like, who wants their spouse talking about them like that? No. And also, I feel like I can't think of one instance where we've had someone whose spouse refused to be on television and it ended well, right? Are there any other spouses that haven't been on housewives at all?

Like, even Tom Girardi would show up once a season to scam somebody and be mean to Erica on camera, you know, like... Oh, he loved it. Yeah, he was like, oh, I get to publicly be mean to my wife. Great. Go to your room, Erica! Yeah, he loved being on TV. It's like, oh, hey, nice to meet you.

This is the mayor of Pasadena. Remember, they went and met the mayor of Pasadena. Yeah, the chief of police. Yeah, the chief of police. Yeah. And Erica's like, oh, I eat cake. I'm not just a, I'm not a stuck-up bitch. A cake.

And then you see her eat like one tiny little sliver of the cake. It's like, yeah, I did it in front of the mayor. And then Tom says, stop eating cake, Erica. Go back to her room. Fucking Tom. Yeah. So, yeah, she's talking about this relationship. And Ruben stepped in to save her.

And she just ran into him in the vineyard and he was like, oh, give me a call. And my mom was like, make me proud. Make me proud, honey. That was like your mom introducing you to a junkie. Make me proud, Ronnie. Yeah, don't fuck this one up, Ronnie. And she's like, like, she meant like don't be an impolite daughter. Don't let me down.

And Jocelyn's like, oh, my God. Well, do you think it's because your mother wanted you to marry into a wealthy situation? She's like, well, she wanted me to be with someone safe and he was safe. well, you know, love story. There you go. Love story. Wrap it up. And it sounds like Haley was in a fairly wealthy situation anyway.

The father's a plastic surgeon. They had a house of Martha's Vineyard. You know. Yeah. How badly could it go? I don't know. I don't know. But those parents spend many.

I'll tell you that. Just parents in general. Never think it's enough. And also the economy keeps changing. I mean, look how much. potato cost these days? I can't even afford potatoes. I'm

frying onions over here. French fried onions. I saw a news headline that was like Trump says if you can't afford beef, you need to change your diet. I thought that is so funny. I was like, really, to what? There's not there. It's all expensive.

A potato's $10. I know. I got a large fry at McDonald's. It was $73. So Haley tells us that this is how she got into PR somehow. And she was mostly taking clippings of herself. I didn't know that she had a job or that she was in PR. I didn't either. And on Housewives, I don't believe the first thing you tell me anyway.

I kind of have to wait and see. Remember what Emily Simpson was both a lawyer and a party planner? Now she is a professional exerciser. Yeah. Now she's neither a party planner nor a lawyer. She doesn't even mention the lawyer thing anymore. She used to be like, oh, you can't argue with me. I'm a lawyer.

But now she doesn't even say that. No, she has nothing. She just argues with her husband and exercises. That's kind of one of my favorite things right now in Orange County. And I can't believe I'm saying it because it involves Emily. But just watching the arguments with her. Shane and him calling her out every second. It's like you're calling me a bad mother.

No, I'm just calling you a bad mother. Damn it. I will say, like, Shane is terrible, but Shane is Shane. You know, he is not changing for nobody and calls it like it is. So. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you, Shane.

Thank you, Shane. Thank you for your service, Shane. So that's that scene. Jessel's judging her with Jessel face. all this information. Jusel's like, oh, well, totally understandable. Now I understand all of it. It's getting that disgusted look on her face.

And then we're at the Washington Square Arch. And Daisy and Carol are talking about Jusel bringing up the Carolyn and the Kennedy curse. What did you think of this? The internet was pretty horrified with Jusel. I, yeah, I was pretty horrified with Jussel, too. It just seemed very insensitive, especially because Daisy kind of brings it up when it happens, which I get because, you know, it was very Zike I see at the time. But, and Daisy, I think, approached it the right way and was like, are you sick of people asking you questions about it? And Carol goes, yes, actually, I am.

And Daisy gets her like three questions in and then wants to move on. But Jessel, you know, keeps at it. It's like, didn't you just hear this woman say that she's sick of talking about it? And also, yeah, it was so. strange. And for it to be like, oh, it's Carolyn Beset's summer. It's Carolyn beset summer. It's like, this woman isn't a trend to Carol. Like, this is a real person to Carol. And you're like boiling down her relationship with a real person into what kind of clothes people are wearing. Like, it just seems crazy. Yeah. I loved it so much. Because I felt like,

like, say, like, this is what Housewives is. and it's such a housewife's saying, again, this is something Sonia Morgan would do, it's something Ramona Singer would do. It's like you can't read the room, you don't have any sense of tact, and so you're just like being yourself. And so I get, yeah, so I loved it that we got to watch it,

but also I would be horrified. And I would never. Yeah. I think I just loved it because, at first I think she was talking about the TV show, right? because they were talking about this TV show on that came on. And Ryan Murphy, anybody who watches those shows, knows that he does not actually pay attention to the real life.

Like, right now he's got Lizzie Borden is like a suffragerette who had bangs and was tap dancing. Like, he doesn't care. He just makes stuff up. Yeah. He just put stuff in there. And so he apparently made Carolyn Bissette, like not a nice character from everything I'm reading. And so I think she was just saying everybody's wanting to know, was she a bitch? Like on the TV show, they make her seem like a bitch.

So was she a bitch? So that's kind of how I took it. And I get that that's Carol's real friend from a long time. But go be mad at Ryan Murphy. You know, why are we dragging Jessel across the coals? Go yell at him. And I understand that question where she was like, oh, asked the question, was she a bitch? And it was, yes, because I haven't watched the show.

But yeah, if they were depicting her to be a bitch, and then Carol was friends with her, should be like, is that accurate? But there's still a nicer way to ask that question, I think. But I do think that that's a very fair question. But also, Carol was like, I haven't watched it. So how would Carol know whether or not it's real? So, yeah, I see. But also, I don't believe Carol hasn't watched it.

Do you believe that Carol hasn't watched it? I feel like Carol, that's a good question. I feel like Carol watched the first episode and is, lying about. Wait a minute, I'm not even in this. Yeah, I'm taking a stance that I am not watching this, but also you have to be morbidly curious to at least watch a little bit and see, you know,

what they're saying about people in your life. Like I could imagine if they made a story about my friends from my 20s and I didn't watch. It would be called Gay Rave, the Brian Moylan story. It would just be a bunch of, of strung out twinks, missing the Fire Island fairy. That would be the whole show. Yeah.

I'd just be running behind you going, do I look fat? Do I look fat? Do I look fat? Do I look fat? Do I look fat? Do I look fat? It's like my whole 20s. Yeah, I don't know.

I don't think you're allowed to be so offended when your friend is that famous, you know? Yeah. I mean, you're allowed to be so offended, but I just wasn't. I thought it was great. So, I don't think you can be offended that people ask, but I think you can be offended about the way that they ask. And I think Jessel kind of. Yeah, but that's like so Jessel is she's always, it's like, Tribeca's up and coming. Like she's trying so hard to be cool, but she is in her core like a nerdy, awkward person.

And so that disconnect, I think is what drives Jessel. And I think that's what makes her fascinating to watch. Yeah. So Daisy and Carol are talking about that whole thing. And Carol's like, oh, way, by the way, I just went to fill up my tank. It was $112. The economy, am I right? That's not what it was in the 80s. I'll tell you that much. Carol is giving her return is giving a little kids get off my lawn. It's like, why are they taking pictures in front of her house? Gas is sewing. expensive. Oh, when I was here, we used to take the subway and there was graffiti. You know, like, yeah, it's like, it's like, Vicky is that ultimate girl's trip hobbling around with a broken knee and looking like too old to do this. And Carol, though physically active, is also giving like a, yeah, weird old lady vibes. Yeah. And as someone who gives those vibes myself these days,

I totally get it, you know, because I'm the same way. I'm like, what time did we say we're going to mean? Is this the day we're meeting? What is the hour we're going to be? I've been doing that all fucking morning. I'm like that now. But as someone who's maybe going through it, I do worry that there's like some sundowning about to happen. You know, every time it gets to be night, I'm like, check on Carol.

You know, somebody like, wait a minute, why aren't I being played by Kyah Gerber? I saw she has this hot gay realtor friend who I follow on Instagram because he's hot gay and a realtor. But he makes these videos with Carol and he went to get with Carol to get her new iPhone. And it was like Carol at the Apple store tried to get a new phone. And it was like taking her grandma to get her new iPhone. Just like, but can we make the screen bigger? What does this button do? You know, like it was just.

hilarious. Do you have me with a keyboard on it with buttons? I like the feel of the buttons. Can you make this a blackberry? Wait a minute. You can see the internet on this thing. Carol's new boyfriend is Todd Bronwyn's ex. They're just like on their Palm pilots together.

Just having a great time. What is an iPhone duo? I just need one phone. Just give me one phone. Come down, Todd. Commercials. Here comes one right now. So Carol's talking about how she's writing her new substack.

Which I was impressed by. I was impressed that it wasn't like a live journal. Same. At least she's hip to the current. media landscape. And I will say, I subscribe to Carol Substack, worth it. Very good. Very into it.

Is it? Is it good? What kind of stuff does she write about? She writes about just kind of like, she'll tell like random stories from, like, once she told this story about getting pulled over in L.A., and it was kind of about nothing, but very well written and very funny and very Carol. So you never know quite what it's going to be. And then she wrote about love story.

She wrote about the Kennedy. You know, she'll write about topical kind of thing. She wrote about Roney. She wrote about BravoCon, things like that. So just kind of like random Carol musings, but she's a good enough writer that she pulls it off. Whether or not she's using a ghostwriter for the substack, we could say.

Aviva can say. Yeah. I can't. It's Aviva. I would subscribe to Aviva's leg. Is that a substack yet? I mean, I could make it a substack. Do it.

How has Aviva never been back? Like, she's never been on a girl's trip. She's never made a cameo. She's never been at a party. They really hated a Viva. Like, they don't bring a Viva back for anything. No. And they even brought that chick back from Orange County, like the one with the boobs and the machine guns.

What was her name? The Bible. Peggy. Yeah, they even brought Peggy Townis back. You can't give Aviva a little love. She threw her leg. Come on. I know.

We see more of Fay Resnick than we see of Aviva. Yeah. And has Faye earned it? Not really. What has Faye done lately for me? Faye, every season, Faye, like, cranes her head out from the end of the table to say something really bitchy and defensive, Kyle Richards, and then, like, goes back in her seat for another year to come back and do the

thing over again. That's all Faye ever does. It's just like, her around to be like, don't say that about my friend. And then it's back down. I used to love where every season she would have come in, she did something at Kyle's house. Like, Kyle was like, oh my God, Faye just redid my closet. And then we go into the closet and they're like target hangers. And it's just so cheaply done. You know, it's like, oh, of course Faye did this. Of course. I miss the bad Faye. decorating. Oh, like, can we get Faye on a season of trading spaces? Like, that would be great, like putting hay on the wall. You know what I mean? Like, that would be some fucking, like, Fay-Resic bullshit that I would love to see. She could be the new Hildy or whatever, the lady who

just always traumatized everybody. Yes, correct. That was her name, right, Hildy. Okay, so Carol is talking about how I'm traumatized because, you know, I've been writing about my friendship. with Carolyn and I just don't really talk about it. Since when don't you talk about it? You've been here a long time talking about it. I'm just pointing that out. Yeah, but I don't really. And then I'm just traumatized because now there's a TV show and there's just all these young people who want to date me because they were auditioning to play my husband.

But we did see an ultimate girl's trip this week at Hot Adam, the chef. Remember how hot Adam was? Adam was hot. Adam was hot. Yeah, Carol. He was hot. We need another Adam. Pull us out some, you know, hot young thing.

Yeah, I think she will. That's what I want to see. Yeah, because I think she still dates really young because when she was saying she was dating the actors who were auditioning to play her husband. I mean, they're not auditioning to play her husband as if he were living in the current times, obviously. So that was, you know, and Carol's like, still got it. That's my point. Last good summer, last good summer. One good summer.

Clawing towards summer. She's like, you know, the other night I was there, and then there's like three girls, and they're in front of my building taking selfies of them in front of the door, and I said, this is ghoulish. What are you doing? These were real people. Wait until you see people in front of like the George Washington statue. I mean, it is just disrespectful.

Most of what people do. They go take pictures in front of you. You die and then, you know, you become a character and people take pictures. Has she been to ground zero in the past 25 years? She walks around the wax museum, like putting her arms up. Stop! Stop! You're exploiting Marilyn Monroe.

I will say. My house in London is on the Jack the Ripper tour, and we get Jack the Ripper tour constantly all the time. Every day in like different languages, multiple tours a day. People come in to take pictures of Jack the Ripper who they never even caught. So, you know, hey, get ready, Carolyn Bissette's house. Get ready at Carolyn Bissette's house. How do you feel that the Jack the Ripper audience is? Like, would you judge them, just from seeing them on the tour, would you say they're like hot people, like cosmopolitan?

No. It's a lot of American tourists and not like hot, cute ones. Just kind of like weird, dumpy kind of middle American ones. And then like around Halloween, October is Jack the Rpertour like Bonanza. And so then we really get all. all the people, all the people. This is where we got, so it's where someone got ripped apart.

Oh, get my picture. Get my picture. Yeah. Oh, there was one tour guide who had like a portable, uh, projector. And he would project pictures of like the murders and shit

on the walls. Ew. Yeah, it was grizzly. Oh, that is really grisly. Carol should start doing that in like a less grisly way and be like, I used to go to dinner here with John John and just turn on a projector and he'd be like sitting there sipping tea or something. Carol has like an AI.

She's like a AIing John John into all of her photos. Martha Stewart could find it. Carol, John John and Sonia Morgan partying together with Madonna on a yacht and Stott with an up to. And then just Martha Stewart on the side. I told him they're not calling that plane. I told him. I told him. She was asking advice on my magazine.

I cannot believe we have Martha Stewart on Housewives. Like, it's, I, can we get Martha to be a friend of? Andy, you got the money. Make this happen for us, please. Make this happen for all the money. Yeah, it should be Martha Stewart. And I feel bad for Daisy because it's not fair. Like, Daisy's doing an okay job.

She didn't really do anything wrong, but I kind of don't like her for not being Martha. And that's not fair, you know? Like employees have their right to go make their stake too. I just don't show me Martha and then focus on the hairdresser. I just don't want that, especially when Martha was so good at it. Martha was so good at it. And that's the thing is she would be New York's Kathy Hilton. Like that's what we want.

And I think we should have it. And I think that people would be super into it. And from what little I know of Martha, it seems maybe like something she would enjoy. I remember Martha's mini series. They came out with a couple mini series at the same time back in like, I don't know, I was in high school. So it was like 30,000 years ago. And Civil Shepherd played her in one of them.

And it was so good. I can still see the cover of TV Guide with Sybil Shepard as Martha Stewart, like, in my brain. Like, I was so good. And I was shocked because I always thought Martha Stewart was like, oh, you know, today we're going to make a little bread. It's going to be delicious. Make sure your kids are around to smell the freshness. And she was really hardcore in real life. I remember one of the scenes her husband was cheating on.

I guess her husband got caught cheating on her. And then we're always fighting and stuff. And then Sybil Shepard's like driving down the road and trying to run down the mistress. I was like, ooh. And that's when I became a fan. I was like, yes. She and her daughter also have what I believe is a very complicated relationship. Yeah.

You gotta imagine. Did you imagine Martha Stewart being your mom? Geez. Just calling to talk to you about bangs and tap dancing on the phone while you're trying to do your confessional. Get Martha Stewart's daughter on here. Okay. Next season, we want Daisy. We want the daughter.

Martha Stewart friend of us. Um, okay, casting complete. Yeah. So Carol's saying, Oh, it was just so terrible. She was talking about Carolyn, but said, Summer and the Kennedy curse

and now everybody died. And it's disgusting, Jessel, people. I mean, that family's curse. You've got one of them dying, then the other one dying, then the other one dying of drugs, and the other one, you know,

falling off that ferris wheel or whatever. I mean, it's a curse, all of them, every single one of them. Yeah, it was pretty hard. And I didn't know what this is. say it's excruciating. Everyone's American love story is my American horror story.

Oh my God. The only thing more scripted than that was when Jessel sits down for that lunch with Aaron and she takes out her no cards and she's like, you are a one woman Ponzi scheme. Next card. You are a

bootleg houdini next card you think you're zendaya but you're actually blossom storm out ding ding ding ding ding i mean there has to be one in there that's a winner and i died when she said that one you think you're zendaya but you're really blossom because you know written or not you know that she wrote that one she doesn't It's like she doesn't have a team of gays working there writing her witty things because that is that one is straight out of Jessel's mind. You think you're the entire, but you're blossom. You know, she was like, Pavit, Pavit, tell me, what can I say against Aaron? And Pavit was like, Claude. Give me mean jokes to say to Aaron. And it was like, here, Jessel, here are Claude's jokes for what you can say. Tell her. she thinks she said Daya, but she is actually blossom. That shit was funny, that part.

So Carol, and Carol really needs to have out her MacBook right now when she says stuff like that. Everyone's American love story, hmm, is my American horror story? Close laptop. She's sitting on her counter with her legs crossed. Well, I guess it's time to focus on what we're really here for. Boys! So she's mad at Jessel, obviously. And Daisy's like, and then, yeah, and what was she saying about my tutor?

She's like, oh, God, we didn't even talk about your tutor. Yeah, I mean, she was like, well, what are you doing? You flirting back with your tutor? And I'm like, fuck you, okay? I'm cooking dinner for my son, and he's tutoring my son in the living room and sending me love messages. What's not to love? Like, what am I supposed to feel guilty about? No, Daisy, no. No, that one, that one is weird. Texting back the tutor who's in love with you. That is kind of weird. Stop that. Yeah, that is, I will say, if I were in Daisy's position and I had a son and that son had a hot tutor, I would 100% be flirting with the hot tutor.

However, if the hot tutor was like, I'm in love with you, I would no longer have that hot tutor. that would that's not doesn't seem appropriate just like tutor fleeting etiquette you know we need a picture of the tutor we I'm a visual learner I need to see if he's hot that it's acceptable if he's some like nerdy fucking pimply face Columbia graduate then I then I then no Daisy don't be messing with this well I'm sure he's hot I'm sure he's really hot because I don't think she would be as excited if it was some like you know you know, like snotty video game zitty kid. She'd be like, ew, the tutor is flirting with me, honey. Look what the tutor sent me. So I'm sure he's hot. She's like, oh my God, there's a hot tutor flirting with me. Like, I get the, you know, I get the impulse.

But like, girl, you're married and on TV. And you're, I don't know, your husband's, you and your husband are always fighting all the time anyway. Why are you handing them this tutor ammo? It's a lot of ammo. Yes, it'd be one thing if she were just floating with the shooter. It's another thing that she's flirting with the shooter and then saying on television, my husband's boring and whenever we get in a fight, I go on Raya. Like, you know?

And, well, and she was also like, when we get a fight, he goes on Craigslist to find an apartment. I go on Raya. Bitch, he is not finding an apartment. You are leaving that rent control apartment that he is never leaving for the rest of his life. Yeah. He wouldn't be going on Craigslist to look for himself. He would be going on my. realtor or something. He's going on Craigslist to look for you. Yeah, exactly. He's finding you

any place. And he's keeping the kid in that rent control department and you're going to be living in Martha Stewart's basement. Yeah. Oh, bless her heart. So, um, Daisy is going to have a cedar dinner and she's going to make matzo ball soup and salad and brisket. She's like, surely you've been to a cedar being in New York, Carol, right? She's like, well, just one. It's like the equivalent of of like Italians and Sundays, right? It's like Sunday dinner. She's like, no. Just come.

Just come. You're going to love it. What Carol didn't tell us was that the one Sater she went to was Jeffrey Epstein. No, I'm just kidding. I'm kidding. I'm joking. I'm kidding. You never know the way this one's going.

I'm just so sick of people talking about my most popular project, the Epstein list. Oh, man. Some people's Epstein list is my Epstein horror story. So now we go to... You think you're Emily's list, but you're Epstein's list. Why is Angie allowed to have a list and nobody else is? So we go to Daisy's apartment, and she's making a cheese. board and stuff. And Jessel comes over and Erica. And it's a small place. And Jessel is just such an

asshole in every single scene. She walks in and she's like, hi. Wow, what a, what a chic little apartment. Ew, is that popcorn on your ceilings? Ooh. No, she said, and I will never forget this, I love your art. It's like, what can I say that it's like when you go see your friends play and it was terrible and you need to think of like oh my god it's like oh your costumes were amazing you know what i mean it's like such a fucking like bullshity cop that i love you got started on time that was amazing you started right at eight o'clock good for you wow yeah great i loved it well it was that oh i love your art art art love your art love your art That's the only thing in here I can like.

Well, have you ever seen an apartment with popcorn ceilings, Jessel? She's like, maybe in the 80s. I don't know, like, who Jessel thinks we think she is, but we definitely think that Jessel is somebody who has seen a popcorn ceiling or two. You know what I mean? Or will. in the very near future. Because I, you know, she's a third season housewife on not a very highly rated show.

And then Pavitt's just doing like food influencing. And even she's complaining about that. Like he's just like, please let him do something else, Lord. Please, anything else. So I don't know. Don't judge popcorn ceilings. Okay. Because very soon you could be stared at from above by a popcorn ceiling.

That's what I always said. Exactly. Congratulations. Congratulations, you've reached the end of part one, of a two-part recap. For part two, go look for the recap that says, part two. See you over there, suckers. Watch what crappins would like to thank its premium sponsors. Ain't no thing like Allison King.

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