Watch What Crappens - #410 Dwell Hello Part 1: Live From the Netflix is a Joke Comedy Fest

Episode Date: May 9, 2024

This is part one of a two-parter*This week, Dwell Hello is live for the first time ever at the Netflix is a Joke Comedy Festival in Los Angeles. We cover House Hunters Agents Gone Wild S01E14 “Nudist Newcomers in Florida”, which we found on YouTubeTV. Hold on to your seats. It’s an hour and a half of pasty nudity jokes. Enjoy! Grab tickets for our European tour at watchwhatcrappens.com Watch this recap as a video and get our bonus episodes at Patreon.com/watchwhatcrappensFind bonus episodes at patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens and follow us on Instagram @watchwhatcrappens @ronniekaram @benmandelker Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Bingo The technical opening night of the brand new and gorgeous Cucabur Alouds! I know, welcome. Hollywood, California. John Wayne lived here. Yes.

John Wayne lived here in this mall. Fun fact. They built this mall because they were like, where did John Wayne live? Let's build something. Do you guys remember when there were giant elephants out here? That was cool.

Back when this place meant something. the giant elephants. You guys, this is so exciting to be here. Katie and Walter just opened this place. I'm so proud of you. This place is amazing. It's amazing. And being proud of you sounds condescending

like I had anything to fucking do with anything in your life. But I'm proud to know you, I guess, is better. This is just fucking amazing. The food is so good. There's drinks that are chocolate flavored. By the way, the artichoke bignets, once you have those archoque bignets

on the menu you will never, ever, ever consider the Sir Gochie's balls again. These are the new Sir Gochie's balls. I'm telling you this right now. It's time for those to die anyway. They had their day. They were first invented when John Wayne was born in this mall. But everywhere you go here has like Marilyn Monroe's face on it, you know?

I'm like, poor Marilyn Monroe. Did she really know she was going to be selling fucking waffles at the... At the old Cafe 101. Can we just leave Marilyn Monroe alone? Has she not gone through enough humiliation? Like she's had 10 TV movies for us to all understand all the pain she's gone through. And we're like, you know what? Let's have that bitch sell a tuna salad at the new hotel on Hollywood.

Wait, is that the developer of the mall who said that? That bitch, let's get a tin of mouths for Marilyn Monroe. That's John Wayne's great, great, great nephew who just opened the new ovation. I'm going to get my power cord vamp. Ben, your computer literally is going to stay on. Ben acts like our shows are 37 hours. He's like, where's my power cord? I'm going to put my power cord.

I do not trip over my power cord. I must have it. The show's 45 minutes, girl. Come on. I'm my mother's son. It's like, is there a power cord? Is there a power cord? I'm my mother's son, too,

which is why I bitch at you the whole time about it. I'm like, God damn it! I'm going to feed this. over you. Hey, I'm gonna feed this over you. And he does this so that, God, we're really turning into our parents. By the way, we're so...

He does this so that he can stare at my bottle the whole night and look at me, judgmentally, so that I don't spill on his fucking computer. But this is how he sets it up. I'm being manipulated. Yeah. So breaking his computer so he can guilt me for the rest of my fucking life about.

It's, you know, it's very exciting being part of the Netflix as a Joe Comedy Festival. especially since, you know, there are potentially, like, new, like, people here. And I'm just so glad you guys all came here to watch me plug in my laptop right now. You're stepping on my lap. Okay, here we go. I'm not stepping on it. It's too short.

You didn't measure this shit beforehand. Well, you know what? It's Marilyn Monroe's fault. God help us. Okay. Good enough. It's going to have to be like that. Okay.

So we know, normally we're a Bravo podcast. That's what we normally talk about. Yes. We love Bravo. And people come to our shows and live shows, you poor things get dragged. I mean, I'm assuming, are you a husband? I can't tell if you're a gay or a husband. Or are you both.

Or a gay husband. You're one of the two. You're here, so which is it? I know. You're so cute. I'm sorry for, I'm usually not that person who makes fun of the people on the front. I make front of the people in the back. You think they're fucking hiding from it.

All those people. You guys are me at drag shows. I'm like, they're going to come for me. I know it. I look like Harvey Weinstein. Every one of them is coming for me. God, those were the days when that meant something good. I can get a seat anywhere in this town.

Anyway, we, I'm just saying, you know? He was just saying that it capitalizes off of the likeness to Harvey Weinstein. I used to be able to. Doesn't work anymore Although he did just get off I was like there's hope for me yet There's hope for me yet Yeah boo is right

I didn't even know A cab driver told me I was like where where's the outrage I had to hear it from fucking Uber About Harvey You know my Uber driver here tonight He told me that his girlfriend Is a super big Bravo fan

She's like a huge fan Of sexy unique podcast who we love And then I liked her up She was definitely not following us I just need to repeat that so they understand Ben looked up the wife Of the cab driver Because I was like

To see if she was following him Because it could have been a magical moment Girl It could have been so magical Laura is somewhere just like Bid So normally it's Bravo And we know the husband's come here

and I was talking to my Uber driver today. Oh, no, the real estate guy I was with all day on my own house hunters episode. Ronnie is house hunting. So this guy, first of all, he's so hot. And actually, he's a friend of Katie's. He was supposed to be here, but he's not. So guess who's not buying a house for you?

Also, because I don't have millions of dollars. But also, because you didn't come to my show. But he is so cute. Have you ever looked over at someone and noticed their ears and got a halfie? Of course. I've never been attracted to ears before. His ears were this big.

Yeah. For those of you at home, it's slightly bigger than an Avion top. Yes. Slightly. They were the littlest ears I've ever seen in my life. I just want to say that Avion top sounds like slang from gay culture.

He's an avion top. Yeah. Because that's Scientology. He's pretty clear, but still a little milky. It's a little avion top. Have you know it's a little milky, right? Is that thick water? What do they call it when the water's a little milky?

Why don't we bring in Lala's water concierge or whatever? I need to be told. Okay, hot real estate guy ears. Anyway, I've never wanted to stick my penis in the ear and tell him. Because you know how when you're sitting in the car, you're looking at someone's side face? Right. Profile, if you will.

Yeah. Hot ears. See, we both were looking at profiles. So anyway, he was talking about A. because he's a straight guy, and that's what straight guys do. They're like, and the aliens,

their aliens are coming. Okay, so this guy, hold on, I'll get back to aliens. Straight guys are a thing, I'm telling you. They're hilarious. Get in a car with a straight guy ASAP. They're so funny. There's shit that comes out of their mouth.

And also, what's so funny is they think gay guys are so funny just because, you know, we're gay, I guess. And they're like, oh my God, you put penises inside of you. Hello, L. It's a thing. Which, like, I guess, It's kind of funny. You know.

I mean, we've laughed. There's avion tops out there. So, what was I talking about? Small ears that you want to put your penis into. Straight guys. Oh, okay. So it's weird for him to be around a gay guy too, right? So he's like, can I film this?

What? And I wanted to film you, just the presence of gayness. Yeah, I was talking about my mom taking a vegetable pill from Fox News because that's her thing. She's like, why do you eat salads? I was like, you're my mother aren't you supposed to be telling me to eat a fucking salad? She's like dry salad

Disgusting, who are you? And she says she doesn't eat one because she takes a vegetable pill Anyway, so I was telling him this story And he's like, can I film you? I was like, sure. So he whips out this like GoPro thing and like sticks it on the windshield

And I was like, do I masturbate now? Like He's like, my girlfriend's really into brink. Bravo. I'm all looking her up. Like, does she follow Ben? Does she follow Ben? By the way, a vegetable pill,

can't she just take V8? Justice for V8. I mean, that's another lie, but I fought for that one, so I can't judge. So, no, no, I can't. I have to tell you now. I apologize.

So then where, I know, I told him. I was like, if I just start going too long about anything stupid and having ADD, just stop me. And he's trying, and I'm like, no, you won't. You shut the fuck up. I thought you came to the conclusion.

I'm not finished talking about jerking off in this guy's car. Okay, so I'm in this dude's car, and he's taping it now, which is, like, hot, I guess. And he has these tiny ears. I'm sure I have a boner. Like, I cannot wait to see it. It was a police car. He's, like, performing for, like, the body cam. So we go look at places.

One's close to the center of town, you know, one's, like, too big but too small. None of them were $5, which was in my budget, which is very house hunters, you know? Yeah. So we leave and I'm like, hey, thanks so much for bringing me around today. And he goes, yeah. Oh, by the way, bro, thanks for the content. That is the most L.A. shit I've ever heard. Like, thank you.

You are my realtor for life. And I'm never buying anywhere because I want to stare at those ears for the next 20 years. Well, we are obviously, we're going to be talking about house hunters tonight. But we do know that like there are some people here who may have never seen our show live. when I was going to talk about aliens. They're aliens here tonight. Congratulations. Imagine if this is the first view of aliens

would be able to see of Earth as coming to a watch a crappin show. We would have to explain so much about Bravo to them. Well, I think the reason aliens are so fucking comfortable with showing up everywhere. Like, no one even cares. We all know they're out there now. They've been on the news.

They're like, oh, we've got UFOs, and we're like, we don't care. We've seen so many movies. And I think aliens are finally comfortable enough to come here because they've seen Bravo. They're like, acceptable. They've seen Teresa Judas. They were like, oh yeah, that's

the one that we beamed up and sent back. They're like, we don't need to hide anymore. They're starting to look just like us. Our probe never echoed until we put it into Teresa because her head has nothing in it. Or she has

very good digestion. We could never get anything through to space until they heard, bling, blink, blink, blink, blink. They took it as a signal and just showed up. But yeah, they probably couldn't understand what we're saying. You only hear, you know, like when you go to a foreign country and you don't really, well, like the other side of town,

like literally anywhere where someone doesn't speak gay. I'm like, what? What are you saying? You just hear their sounds, you know, like the gut are all, huh, huh, huh. So we were trying to think, like, how would we explain bravo? to these people, you know? So, like, you know, what are things we go?

Well, we figured that, like, the thing is that's really hard to explain it, but what you have to do is just translate it for people because there are a lot of people who don't understand and they don't understand really the language that we speak. So, for instance, if you were to hear, like, for instance, Carl from Summerhouse say something like, I'm just, like, really overwhelmed right now.

And, like, it's just like a lot. Like, it's just like, you look great, by the way. great by the way. That means I'm going to pretend to be a really good person and get you to give me the last years of your 30s and promise you marriage and a baby. Then I'm going to drag you on TV and tell everybody you're an abusive whore

and make you look stupid. And then I'm going to leave you and I'm never going to change my white jeans the whole fucking time. And you're paying for dinner. Do you have another example for the aliens? Well, while we're on the men of Bravo, you know, we had Scanderval last year,

which I feel like a lot of husbands entered Bravo because of Scanderva because their wives were like, you better sit your ass down and watch this shit. Skateway. I will catch you if you ever do this shit. But this year we have a big redemption arc for Tom Sandoval.

And we're hearing a lot of things like, every one of you is trying to capitalize off of my misery, dude. Which actually means I fucked your best friend while you were at your grandmother's funeral and it's your fault. That's what that means, yeah.

What are you booing us? We didn't do it? Yeah, everyone's like, it's not our fault. I'd fuck her in your house to at least invite you in. I'm just kidding. I don't know why I said that. Yeah. Sorry. Some things you just can't rewind, guys.

Let's just all take a moment and think about the hot ears again. Okay. Not everybody, though, is completely without subtext on the show. You know, there's Brittany. You don't have to guess a lot of what Brittany's thinking. Brittany from the Valley. First from Van Air Pump Rules and now the Valley. Brittany's very obvious. She's not coding anything.

She's just like, make me feel pretty. You don't make me feel pretty no more. All I want to do is feel pretty. You can take me on day night. You could take me to do anything fun. You could do that. you make me feel pretty. That means make me feel pretty.

Yeah. That's a real easy one for the aliens. Stop making me feel not pretty. Actually, I'm going to push back. I do think that Brittany has some subtext in what she says. So, for instance, if you hear Brittany say, like, well, Jacks and I are on a little bit of a dry spay,

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What that actually really means is, I got drunk and flurringed on a stink right. That was a real story from the show, by the way. That was actually a real thing. It was a real thing. There's Kyle. There's real housewives of Beverly Hills.

You know what? Oh, did you guys all watch Beverly Hills? Okay, so for people who don't watch it, if you ever hear Kyle Richards say, don't question my marriage and suggest that I'm a lesbian. What it really means is, please question my marriage. I'm so bored.

Please question my marriage. He's probably cheating on me. He's probably cheated or she. I'm not going to say he's cheated on me. He's probably cheated on me. Please keep me relevant. Ask me about a lesbian. I know a lesbian.

I know a lesbian. She sings country music. She knows Kesha. Please. Please. Please. Cisering? Cisoring?

Any questions? Any questions? Anybody? Plus her heart. Yeah, bless her heart. But today we're talking about our favorite show to talk about, which is house hunters. House hunters. So we got a million emails about today's episode that we're recapping,

which features nudist house hunting in the nude, naturally, as one does. Now, do people here, who here watches house hunters, who are seeing house hunters, you know, the whole thing? We've all been on JetBlue. We've all watched it. You get sucked into it every time. Oh, sorry. No, I was just going to say, I think this is. the first time we've seen people actually on the show naked, right?

First time you have. Now, here's the danger in this. You know, this is a different kind of house hunters, because it's agents gone wild. And so they have like a new font. And it's like, it's like house hunters, dang, don't, don't. But it's like gone wild.

And then it's like in pink neon. It's like purple. They put like a crown on one of the letters too. Yeah. It's like they could be gay. Like maybe they're gay, you know. One of them's a drag queen. I saw the drag queen was on social, you know, social.

Content. Thanks for the content. And it's like, oh my God, finally drag queen on house hunters. And someone was like, aren't you in Phoenix? Isn't it hot there? I was like, can you support the drag queen on the house hunter? So we all need to kick the drag queen in the ass? Like, let the woman live.

But anyway, this is a tricky one because it's agents gone wild and it's nudist, you know? And you're not supposed to make fun of people's like kinks and stuff. No. Unfortunately, my kink is making fun of your kink. So that brings us to a... It brings us to... It's an impasse. Thank you.

You know what, though? I support your kink. Thank you. And I feel like we should lean into your kink tonight. Well, you're going to tonight. Ben, what's like the nudist one? Isn't that just an hour of naked jokes? Is there something else you ordered, sir?

So this is all being recorded. So if you're listening to this after the fact, the episode that we're talking about is called nudist. newcomers in Florida, which is, I mean, that could just be on the state brochure, really. I don't want to see people naked in any state. Yeah. Especially fucking Florida, okay? How'd to say? I know. How do you think the alligators feel? They're like, you know what?

I think I'm just not going to eat today. And part of the reason I'm so against nudity is it's like projection, you know what I mean? First of all, it's biblical, and I was raised very Christian. And so the first thing I learned is like, he fucked over Adam. And all Adam really tried to do was make her out of his rib, which was pretty nice. Gave up a rib for her. And then she fucked him over by tricking him into eating fruit. Which, by the way, she should talk to my mother because my mom could use the help now that I think about it.

Vegetable pills. And then God was like, you're both dumb sluts. Put some clothes on already. So I've got part of that just bred into me. God is really surly. Have you read the Bible? You come from religion, too. I know it's a different one.

But at least in my religion, he turns nice at the end. Christianity, there's a whole chapter where God's like, whatever. You know, I didn't mean it. We're good. Judaism, you're just stuck with God being a dick. Like, that's it. God's going to take your ass down. So wrong that we suffer?

So wrong? We just, we suffered in biblical times. You suffered with, your content creator today. Oh, I suffered. So, yeah, part of it is like just projecting shame, which I get. But also, just to make it fair, I do do this at home. Like, I'm just, I didn't even have mirrors in my home until my current one.

When I lived here in L.A., I only had a mirror above in the bathroom, basically. So it was this big. I gained 150 pounds and never knew until I got on a plane. I literally had trouble. This is so gross. I'm so sorry. But I had a little trouble with my butt in the shower because one day I couldn't reach it as well

and I literally was like my arm's shrunk. I was like, how did this happen? It can happen, it can happen. I never knew because I don't look at that. Like why would I look at it? Like it's there, you know, I know it's there and stuff but I cover it, you know? I have decency.

That's my point. So when I yell at other people, just know I'm yelling at my mother. All right. It's usually the way it goes. Disclaimer over. Yeah. So, so this.

episode opens up. We love the narrator on House Hunters because she always sounds so disgusted with the people on her own show. We call her Linda. She doesn't really have a name. We just call her Linda because she feels like a Linda. She feels like a Linda. She feels like she just had to tell her friend

I'm sorry I have to leave. I've got to go talk about nude people in Florida right now. Because you know they have Linda in the voiceover booth for like 12 hours. And Linda doesn't know what the fuck she's talking about. And then they went to the east side and then they went to the center of town and then she's like well do i at least get to know who i'm

talking about and they're like here linda here's some pictures and she's like i can't get a third date and this fucker's buying a house with that slump jennifer and allen want a five thousand square foot home so she runs a pet store i didn't even know pet people were allowed to get married Isn't that an oxymoron? You know how many edits they have to do on fucking Linda's voiceovers? You can't fire, ma'am. Grandfathered in.

So she opens up this episode. Real estate agent and professional Carol Kane enthusiast, April Gertgenner. I'm sorry, can we take that from the top? No. Okay, go fuck yourself. April, Jenter, or Genter, who the fuck knows, has grown her business in Southwest Florida.

Lucky her. This room has the best view. Poor lady. This poor lady. Okay, so we find out that this lady has decided to sell to nudist because she just couldn't find that niche, you know? She couldn't find her way.

This is the truth. Nobody is nice to this woman. No one likes it. Nobody is nice to this woman. She had to go find the most outcasty, outcast people in Florida. And she is trying everything to be noticed. She has big, blonde, curly hair. Everything in her wardrobe is like lapis lazuli, like that kind, you know?

You know that blue, that lapis lazuli blue? She's like, that's my color. And no one pays attention to her the entire episode. The nudist are even mean to her, and they're supposed to be nice to everybody. That's like a girl, that's like a really big personality girl going into a gay bar and just being treated badly. Like, you're supposed to be our queens.

We would never. But the first thing we see of this poor April, we just see her just like kissing the air going, just kissing nothing. It's like she's Avita and she's on her balcony and then she realized she was in like Paramus. She's like, well, I found nudis. You know, there's no drop-down box

on the search engines for nudis. Is there a pull-up box? Because I'll take that. Put your pants on nudists. So we're, you know, because it's the beginning we're seeing like everything going on around of this nudist colony. So we're seeing like naked people jogging and naked people mowing their lawn. Naked people running from alligators.

Alligators being like, oh, never mind. I'm going back. Since we cover Bravo, we talk a lot about how dumb men are just because it's like the nature of what we do. But man, I've really, that's never like really been hit home until watching. this and watching men with their wieners flapping in the wind. Just flapping. Using things like lawnmowers. It's weird.

And leaf blowers. Like things that you just don't think about when your dick is out. I mean, like when your dick's in your pants, you're not thinking about it. But watching a floppy man out there. Yeah. And you see in the fuzz, you know, which you know what I mean. Like you can kind of see the outlet. You can see, there's like a lot of fupa.

But I would say that the actual dick shape, you don't see like the cone of the dick. That's not a cone. It's like, it's like watching Roger Ebert, rest in peace, mowing the lawn naked. Think about it. Yeah. I did.

That just sent me somewhere. It wasn't fun. And I'll say it's also like watching Gene Ciske. It's like literally watching Ciskel and Ebert mowing the lawn naked. All the types. Yeah, the ladies are doing smart things. They're like, I'll wash the car. Yeah.

But they do it in the most nudist way because they don't wash the tires. They just wash the top. You just keep seeing this lady who's doing this to wash her car. I'm like, okay. She's like getting her thinnest, like her best boob shot.

Yeah. And April just keeps driving by on a golf cart going, hi! Hi! They're just ignoring her. They're like, oh, they're that clothed idiot again.

So Linda says, April has sold millions of dollars worth of homes to lots of people who couldn't quite get on to HBO's real sex. Oh my God, that was another one. So, you know, I was talking about personal scars. That show was another personal scar. HBO's real sex, because that's like the only shit we could watch when we were teenagers that had boobs in it, you know?

You would turn it on and it was like some... You're like, yeah, it's going to be like sex. Found the straight guy's section. They're in the back, in the comic section in the back. talk about content real sex the original content she's sold millions of dollars worth of houses and then April's just like I sold that corner lot

how high I sold that corner lot high I sold that corner lot high everyone's just closing their shutters that lady still hasn't found a marshals it's like in the horror movie you know when like it's time for the ghost to come out everyone just is like hiding away So Linda's like, so when she met new empty nesters,

Nicolette and Dustin, she knew exactly what type of properties to show them just like how April knows exactly what type of Etsy shop she has to buy her, I wouldn't even write here. Did you get lost in an Etsy?

I was like, I wrote this, I watched this at like 3 a.m. last night. I'm like, what is happening with a sentence? She knew exactly what kind of properties to show you. them. So she starts getting real, like, she'll, like, emphasize one word if it has anything to do with nudity at all. She's like, and now April's not just taking them to a house. She's showing them. She's showing the show. It's like, all right, Linda. We hear you, girl. We hear you.

So then the lady who's looking at the place is Sheridan or Nicolette? Her name is Nicolette, not related to Sheridan. Could you imagine if it was Nicolette Sheridan? Empty. All of a sudden we're like, yes, iconic episode. Well, that's the thing. Nicolette Sheridan would never be a nudist. And that's the thing. When I say I don't believe in nudity, I don't believe in my nudity.

I don't believe in normal nudity. I believe in porn. Yes. I just wanted to make that clear. I don't think that, I think you all think I'm some kind of freak. I believe people should be naked for my entertainment. It's just when I don't have a boner and you're not hot.

I don't want you to be there. Does that make sense? Yeah. Okay, better. Thank you. I guess I left that part out. That's important. It's just like, here's the thing.

I already have a resting bitch face. Do you really need to see what my dick thinks? You don't. Trust me. It's not flattering. So we meet Nicolette. She's a red-headed lady, and she has this tattoo on her shoulder that's supposed to be of like a flower or something.

But it just kind of looks like a forest fire. It's just like circles, getting bigger and bigger and bigger. So already I was like, okay, so we have some judgment issues here. Okay, I'm open to it. She's also got kind of a mean edge to her where if she gets mad, she does this like squint thing with her eyes. And it's so hard to take her seriously

because she's like, has your mom ever been mad like straight out the shower? Like, you goddamn kids, you don't fuckers! You're just like, L-O-L, like it's not scary. Yeah. It was like that. I was like, you're not going to, you can't yell at your husband like this.

It's never going to work. Put on a robe, kick his ass, and then get naked again, you know? Yeah. So Linda says, Finding the perfect home for her clients won't be as laid back as their lifestyle. Laid. Laid.

They have sex a lot because they're naked. And she's like, I'm not sacrificing on my kitchen. I'll tell you that right now. I'm not sacrificing. It's like, and then April's like, we're so excited to finally be shedding our clothes every day. Now we're doing it on the weekends, but soon we're going to be naked all the time. If there ever was an advertisement for this community, it's Nicolette.

So we're, oh, we're in Pasco County, Florida. Ding, da, da, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na. So, um. No, no, no, no, no. So, um. That was my touch. Real estate lady is like, yeah, I began selling real estate. Hi.

In, uh, 2006. But it wasn't until 2007. I found my niche. By the way, I like how she's like, acts like there was so much time that passed. She's like, I started in 2006. It was a long road. It was a long road.

And then finally, in 2007, I found... It was rough. She's like, that's when I began selling nudist real estate in Pascoe County. And it's become the nudest capital of the world. I did that. I created this land and no one can wave back to me. $36 million.

Do you know how many robes that could have bought? So she's driving, this is where she's driving and going, hi, hi, I sold to that fupa. That one, oh, that fupa was a lot of back and forth. That one, let me tell you. So open house today, which I thought was funny, they keep closing up on this sign that's like, open house and they show the lady's boobs.

They're like, isn't that hilarious? Yes, Linda. You're nailing it, Linda. So the narrator is like, it wasn't long. until Rachel found her niche filling a gap. She also filled the gap for people wondering what would be like if we brought Perms back in 2024. So then we see pictures of her.

Now, this lady's a kook in so many different ways. And one of them is that she prints big signs that say sold. And then she poses with them like she's naked, but she's not naked, but she's in the nudist place. So she'll be in like an office casual rayon blazer, but then be wearing like a first. sale sign or like a sold sign like this. Like, sold.

Like, yeah. There's one where she looks like Robert plant in it. It's so bizarre. She has like this red suit and her hair's like different color but still curly. I'm like, are you going to sing Stairway to Heaven to me right now? So then we find out her

business model. She's like, I realized it was really important to build a website and then we see her marketing materials. What the fuck was this? You see? This literally made my space look like the most advanced website we ever had in humanity. So it's got, she's got a picture and she's, of course, in it with her sunglasses.

She's like, it's me. And like, hi. You know, it's like in high post. And then it's got candy hearts around it. Like it's Valentine's Day. So she's flirt, it's like a, it's a Valentine from the nudist seller, April. The nudist realtor. And wait, and her face, her picture, the border of her picture is Twizzlers.

And then she's wearing a mic headpiece, like one of those like headphones, but then like with an airline pilot's mic coming around to her. It's like she's in a helicopter, but you know they wouldn't let her on, right? She's probably at a museum. I got lost, where is she? But I have to tell you the whole thing. Candy hearts, Mike with a headpiece,

and then it says, if your heart is telling you it's time to look for a home, let schedule, a date. You slut? You can't do this. You got to be like tiny ears. Implly that you're hot and have to fuck. Don't actually do it. Don't actually tell them. Come fuck me. I'll find you out. April!

Keep it in your pants. And she then says, I felt it was important to have a face for the nudist culture. You look crazy and you bordered yourself Twizzlers. That's literally what she looks like. She's going like this. Like join the nudist revolution with our Twizzler borders.

She is super smart though because the sunglasses she's wearing are reflective and we know that's what people like to see, you know, themselves. I found that's the only way in L.A. I could get people to look me in the eye during conversation. Wear reflective sunglasses. Do you know how deep you can get

with people here when you just wear mirrors on your fucking eyes? So then she says that she got like a whole bunch of listings for all these nudists who were just looking for a realtor. And she says, you know, people do everything here just as you would do in any normal community. People just wash their car. People walk their dogs.

The only difference is that they're nude. I was like, oh, that's the only difference. Never mind. Never mind. Turns out a lot of nude people don't pick up their dog shit either. By the way. That is a real concern if I'm in a nudist colony. Because there's nothing between you and that poop.

It's bad enough when you step in it with a shoe. Just putting it out there. Oh, no, they still wear shoes. That's the one good thing. They'll mow some lawns or leaf blow some shit, but they do it in shoes. Well, actually, what was interesting about this episode was that you see all the nudists in the wild.

And a lot of them do, like, sort of like, partial nudity. So there is one shot where you saw a woman jogging, and she had a sports bra on, and then everything else was naked. And I guess that's some functionality there, I suppose. But just there was something odd about just jogging with just a sports bra on. Yeah.

And it just goes right by. It's blur. Well, some of us are just trying to save our nose. I don't even leave the window open without a sports bra on. You've ever tried to be on the freeway with your arm like this? My arm's like, like a little tiny flag on the side of a motorist. It's like,

Br-R-R-R-R-Barr-speaking of, I was going to say, some guy flies up on a motorist. This is really a crazy episode. A motorcycle. A motorcycle? Sir, you're in your 50. It's 110 degrees outside, and your ball sack is on a leather seat of a motorcycle?

Vibrating. So this episode started with me being like, I'm going to feel so ashamed of these naked people. Well, now I'm used to the naked people. I even did the rest of this recap in my underwear, and I'm not lying to you. I was like, well, why am I wearing fucking pants? Yeah, future customer.

I would have been naked, but I have a couch that other people sit on and I don't want them to, like, sit on my butt. You know what I mean? Does that make any sense? I don't want, like, my butt hole on their butts. It's important. You never know. I have manners.

You don't want to spread your butt onto someone else's butt. Yeah, but it started with, like, really enjoying the shame, but then I was like, oh, my God, my boobs are fine, you know, pshink. and I just like let him I was kind of like rested my fingers under the fold and so I was like this is good this naked thing I'm starting to like it

so I started getting used to it and stuff and then April shut up at your door in April she's like hi I was like setting my windows shut up yeah I went from shame to just worry for these people because I was like now these people have taken me into like liberation

and this man no one's telling this man to watch his balls Like, this is the idiot. So you ever fuck somebody and then the next day they cook the breakfast naked? That is so, first of all, for someone in food service, gross, okay? Gross. You see pubic hair on things when people aren't naked. You know what I mean?

It comes, it gets on things. It does. You guys know it. And working in a restaurant, you see it. I don't know where it comes from. I know it's disgusting you guys, but. We know where it comes from. Let's be honest.

But we don't know how it got there. It's in the air. But then someone will be like cooking the eggs and you're like, how are you walking around not looking like the mask, the mask guy, like on your, on your wiener? You know what I mean? Well, look. No, not the math.

Freddie Kruker, I meant. The mask guy. That was very rude. I'm sorry, I take it back, mask guy. Oh, I thought you're thinking about, I thought about like Jim Carrey. I was like, oh. No, I was talking about the share movie. I've heard of blue balls, but not green balls.

You know what? Everyone has their... You guys, I'm sober. This is what happens. Happens when you get sober. This fucking guy's looking at me like, really? It's all stuff. Listen.

I forgot I was going to say. Okay, so Linda, so this guy shows up with his ball vibrating on his hot motorcycle leather. And April's like, that's one of my customers right there. And Linda says, now April can offer her clients the inside coupon listings. Because when she visits, she seems to know almost everyone. Slut. And then she's like, hi. And we see this guy who's probably like 80 if he's a day,

this big papa, you know, on a golf cart. And he passes by and she goes, hi, and he went. And April is hanging on to this dream. She's like, when you're here in this community, no one is a stranger. Hello, there are everyone. Goodbye. He was so busy.

He couldn't have time. But we're friends. We're friends. We're just trust. We're friends. When you're driving through here and you're bringing customers, people just wave right at you.

They whip with their hands, their underarms, their necks, their muffin tops. You'll see a knee flapping now and then. It is the most touching place to be. You know, the best part about the nudist colony is that when the sun sets, you sit on your porch and you look at the pink sky

and you listen for the sound of balls flapping on a motorcycle. It's the most beautiful thing. So the impression I get now is you move there if you just need people to be nice to you, right? Because that's why she's there. And I support that, you know? Why wouldn't you want to go to a place where people are nice to you?

You know? It's not for me, personally. Trying to move back to this city. But not my style. But it's for some people, you know. So she's coming back. No, we're not talking about me. We're talking about a television show.

It's okay. You can talk about you. So she's coming back to this. She's at this place because people have to be nice to her. So then they cut to this guy. I mean, obviously naked, you're right. So he's got big, crazy, curly gray hair, and he's on a standing keyboard,

and he's standing in front of a garage just going like this with this keyboard. And I was like, oh, my God. This guy was beat up every day. Probably by me, let's be honest. Like, I didn't physically beat anybody up, but I have, I don't know, gotten close to people in crosswalks with my car,

on accident. So, maybe. So I feel like this guy, everyone's been mean to this poor guy and he's tried to bring his battery powered fucking Cassio everywhere he goes and people are like shut up! Shut the fuck up! And then he finally found this place and people

are like, don't be mean to naked people. And now he just gets away with this mediocre shit wherever he goes. That's what I'm saying. Don't enter places where you're not allowed to bully anybody. You should have the right to say shut the fuck up. I didn't pay to hear this. I kind of get the feeling like this entire nudist colony is just a bunch of

people who just love talking to other people on airplanes, you know? You ever considered a nudist colony? You all know the type. I once went on an airplane and this lovely little old lady got wasted and she was like a pathological liar and she... It was wild. She turned to me, she goes, George Clooney, I was at his wedding. I was like, oh, okay.

Very nice man. The nicest man you could imagine. The flight attendant felt so bad for me. He gave me a free drink. He's like, here, from one every on top to another. Now, Miss Morgan, please. People are trying to take a nap on the plane. So we see the block party.

So everybody wants to move to this place because it's like naked block parties, which... Yeah. Honestly, it's not even the naked... I'm past the naked part. Don't invite me to a party. You have to go outside.

It's too much going on here at this nudist colony. I'm just going to say this right now. They all line up their golf carts to do a little parade. A little nudist golf cart parade. They've got tinsel hanging on the golf carts. It's like myelar everywhere. It's literally like going to like a terrible, weirdly inverted like seventh grade dance. But with old people who are naked instead.

And April, it's like, people are just so nice to each other here. You know, most nudists are very gregarious and good with other people. They know how to deal with anybody because they've spent so much time in county jail. That's definitely a place to learn to be social with the locals. Hello there. This is a two-part recap, okay? This is the end of part one. So thank you so much for listening to this.

Just come back a little later for part two.