Watch What Crappens - #45: Forced Poetry, Poop Trees, and Boots in Ears

Episode Date: November 7, 2012

Forced Poetry, Poop Trees, and Boots in Ears See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

From Wondery and Audible comes Class of 88, a new podcast hosted by Will Smith. Before 1988, a lot of people didn't take hip-hop seriously. But hip-hop today touches everything from film to fashion to sports. So what changed? Follow Class of 88 wherever you get your podcasts. hey everyone it's watch what crap ends a weekly podcast about all that crap on bravo that we love i'm ben mandelker from b-side blog.com you can find me at bsideblog on Twitter. And joining me, as always, are Ronnie Karam from tvgasm.com. Hi, Ronnie. Well, hello, everybody.

Happy Election Day. I'm a proud American. Yee-haw! Ronnie is at tvgasm on Twitter. And also Matt Whitfield from Yahoo TV. Hi, Matt. She, she, she, darling. She, she, she, she, she.

He'll sucky, fucky, five dollar. That is at Life on the M List on Twitter. And then this podcast is at What Crappens on Twitter. You should really follow it because it's probably the most important thing you can do after this election. And then you can also follow us on Facebook, facebook.com slash Watch What Crappens. So you should really follow us on all social media because we will enrich your lives in ways that you can't even anticipate. Am I right? Yeah, you guys.

Your life is going to change if you follow us. It will change in so many majestic ways. And I don't know about you guys, my life has changed in the past weekend because we had all our favorite Real Housewives come back and we're ready to talk about them. We're ready to talk about Real Housewives of Beverly Hills,

Real Housewives of Atlanta, and our new favorite, our little underdog, Real Housewives of Miami. Speak for yourself. Oh, he's my favorite. Hey, he's my favorite show on the TV. What you say about me, eh? I-E-I-O-O I-E-I-O-O

I-E-I-O-O We had a reader send us feedback on Facebook, which is another reason why you should follow us, because you can send us feedback. And she requested that we pretty much stop doing the Leah Black impersonations. Which means, do it right now.

That's not going to happen! You know what we did with her account? We tore it down! She wants us to tear down the voices! I can't do that! Only Frida can do that! Sorry, complainer, but that's not happening. Yeah, sorry.

In a few months when that shows off the air, it'll go away i like i'm like yeah follow us on facebook and give us your feedback and we'll listen to it and then we'll make fun of you you have to only tell us that that you love us no but we we respond to criticism but in this case the leah black voices i can't guarantee that they're going away anytime soon I had to say that I found her in a pool and I kept her I braided her hair

I think it's all really funny personally what is wrong with this commenter the best part of this podcast is you guys sounding like Leah Black I do it in my real life now too and people just look at me like I'm fucking crazy. What, you'll be at, like, Whole Foods, and you'll just start whipping out Leo Black at the salad bar?

Because I know a bunch of the boys at Starbucks because I'm there every day. You know, I live right down the street from one. So I was in there, and I said, I'll tear it down. And they just looked at me like, wow. All right. Oh, I'm a truncheon. How fun is that? Invoice me later.

Oh, God. And they probably knew exactly what you were doing because it's West Hollywood. They didn't, actually. I'm actually pretty ashamed of my Starbucks people. Shame on you, Starbucks people. Shame for shame. Massive shame. Well, we've got so much to talk about tonight.

Let's just jump in with the Real Housewives of Bev Hills, y'all. It was so great to have it back. And I don't know about you guys, but I was personally happy enough with the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, y'all. It was so great to have it back, and I don't know about you guys, but I was personally happy enough with the opening montage of previously, last season on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, and I was like, gosh, it was such an amazing

season. The last season of Beverly Hills was kind of the best thing ever. Just the sheer number of amazing quotes, and then you, honestly, the season before it was like one of the best things ever. It's on a great run, and I hope this season can maintain it. I hope so,

but I have to say, like, I jotted notes throughout the entire episode, and middle like, middle of the way through, I just wrote in all capital letters, God damn it, I miss Camille Grammer. Yeah, well, now we have Yolanda. Yolanda who is a very romantic lady. She said so herself.

That's how you know she's romantic. I'm romantic. I force my husband to write me love letters. And then when I feel lonely, I pull out the love letters and I read them. Why do you have to turn her into, like, the fat evil girl from Willy Wonka? Because that's who she is. Why do you have to go there? My name is Yolanda.

I read love letters to myself that I make other people write for me. Because that's who she is. Why do you have to go there? My name is Yolanda. I read love letters to myself that I make other people write for me. Holy Yonda McSquint. She is glamorous and she is for reals money. That bitch got sun in her eyes and she looks like

a tired ass Brigitte Nelson or Nielsen after she came back from celebrity rehab and started drinking again and they found her on the street outside McDonald's.

Whatever. Anybody that's willing to, are smart enough to lock down David Foster, 60-time Grammy winner and billionaire, smart woman. And before that, she was with Mohammed. So she certainly knows

who to sidle. She knows a rich cock when she sees me. She knows her way around a non-working penis when she sees me. Yeah. She knows who she wants having love letters written sees one. Yeah, she knows who she wants having love letters written to her. Yeah, she knows who she doesn't want getting hard and putting it inside of her. Love letters.

It's like picking some old-ass man. Damn, girl. I bet, like, Mohamed's love letters, she'd, like, open it up in a marble column when Fallout or something. Ew. You remind me of the most supple flatbread in all of the Levant.

Yeah, I... She's an uptight bitch. Okay. And she's a little sensitive, too, by the way. She's very sensitive. Why do you say that? Because when Brandy made a course joke, when Brandy said, well, you know, everyone knows each other. Everyone slept with each other.

Yolanda then goes and says, she said that I've slept with everyone or something like that. It's like, get a clue, Yolanda. Yeah, and also Brandy didn't say that. She said, you know how it is. It's a small town. You've slept with everyone. You've this or that. And she's like, oh, she said she slept with everyone.

And technically she didn't. She said you've slept with everyone and technically she didn't she said you slept with everyone you dumb okay look there's no denying that yolanda is not the smartest one in the bunch but let's talk about brandy for a second i am glad that she is elevated to full-time status because she's a hot mess but at the same time she is so oc she belongs partying with gretchen and she belongs with gretchen and tamra with that shit bow in her hair and her trashy sundresses. She does not. She cannot hold a candle to Lisa Vanderpump.

Look, we went to Brandy's house this time. It's a shit shack. I know. I called it the set of Roseanne in my recap because I was like, I recognize that house. And Jackie was in it way too much, bothering the family. Yeah. Where's the cool to that? Where's the Afghan that's like draped over the couch?

Right. Or who should have been wearing the chicken t-shirt? Oh my god. Either way, I'm still happy she's there. It's a nice contrast to the wealthy people. Like Lisa Vanderpump, who, by the way, I love her new house. I think it's a major upgrade.

Even though it might be smaller. Well, I mean, it's smaller, but there's two freaking people in there, for Christ's sake. And Rosia, who now she can't run as fast from Lisa. She's always got bruises on her arm. You know that there has to be a spinoff of all these, like, cleaning ladies and, like, maids who now populate the show,

between Daisy and Rosia and whoever else. Adrian Malouf's chef, that evil... Oh, my gosh. Oh, horrible. Again, I would like to apologize on behalf of Bravo for everything they do to gay people. We do not endorse that here on the show. Yeah, why

couldn't they have just, like, plucked in a top chef, like, reject and just said, oh, that's Adrian's, you know, personal chef. Why not? Why do we have to have Bernie? You guys, why do I have to have the presidential election on mute right now? It is making me so nervous. And Roseanne, they're not even showing Roseanne on here.

That's who I voted for. They're not even showing her on here. And it's like nail biting watching this. Do we need to put down a rubber sheet in case you need to piss your pants? A rubber sheet that Brandy gave to Lisa. How tacky is this bitch? I know. Brandy is just that girl.

She was the first girl in junior high to give a blowjob. You know, she's just that girl. She just wanted somebody to call her. You know, it's not like she really even was craving a penis. She just wanted someone to be nice to her. I kind of want to hug her, and I also want to just wipe myself down with wet wipes every time she's on the screen.

Yeah, I sort of, you know, like, I don't love the whole thing of someone who it usually seems to be girls sorry to be sexist but it always seems to be girls who just love like any opportunity to present a gag dildo or a gag strap on or whatever like no pun intended with the gags but like it's like always like the sex toys you know it's like it's like okay we get it like it's funny sex is funny like okay yeah everyone fucks okay that's not really a personality trait that's just like it's like my personality traits pooping a lot like everybody does it who cares stop bragging yeah i don't poop a lot or have sex a lot

aren't they the same thing i oh that is not my fetish how fun is that? Oh, my God. There's a poop on my back. Bend. Disgusting. Dirty Sanchez. Joe Francis taught me.

We love you, Leah. She's cracking up. I'm sure if she heard this, she'd crack up. I don't seriously think that Leah Francis. Leah Black has Dirty Sanchez. Okay, so we're glad to see Brandi back. I do feel bad for her because she's insecure. It's like her first year. the sheep cracker i don't seriously think that leah francis leah leah black has 30 sanchez okay so we're glad to see brandy back i do feel bad for her because she's insecure it's like her first year she was upgraded nobody likes her i mean she's really as we already see from the previews lisa likes her but she's apparently going to be using her as her hitman

don't don't forget the best thing ever was in the last part of the reunion of season two where she called out Taylor and she got for real all up on Taylor like, oh, your husband's been in the ground for 2.2 seconds and you're already having a book deal, bitch. What? That was my favorite thing ever. Yeah. It's a great moment. Gosh, there's so much to talk about. My brain is actually the traffic jam in my brain because I'm like, I want to talk about this. Do you want me to roll through my list? Yeah, do the notes.

That'll be the easiest way to get through this because I am scatterbrained and excited. Well, we're still kind of at the beginning, but so Lisa then went over to visit Brandy, as we mentioned, in her shithole of a house, and at that point we should probably talk about how Lisa has decided not to invite Adrian

to the anniversary party of Villa Blanca and how that all went down. Yeah, let's talk about that. Yeah, this is a great story. Because Adrienne, come on now, Adrienne. Okay, first of all, this all happens when Taylor's like, oh, thank God, you guys, I gained 10 pounds. Because everyone was calling her a meth head, anorexic, lush last year. So now she makes sure to tell us all right at the beginning that she's gained 10 pounds,

which unless it's all in filler in her face, no, she hasn't. So she meets up with Adrienne in that store, and she's like, well, you know, Adrienne and I, we can really bond over shopping. Whoops, I accidentally told her about not being invited to that party. I sure feel terrible about it. And then the next thing you know, she's at the party laughing about Adrienne while her gay calls Adrienne a vicious, you know, calling her names and basically

insinuating. She's just horrible. Taylor is still fucking horrible. She's a horrible human being. And the fact that she's on the show and Camille isn't is a serious problem. No, you have to have Taylor because she's a train wreck to watch. But here's the thing, though, because when Adrienne was like, well, I just

think it's like, I can't believe the p it's like I can't believe the pettiness. I can't believe the pettiness. And Taylor's like, yeah, I know. I can't believe it either. Let's flashback to season two. And remember who did not invite Lisa Vanderpump but invited every single other person to her stupid charity event? Taylor. So don't act like you're above the pettiness when you did it last season.

Yeah, no kidding. I think that she thinks that we have short-term memories, but that's just her and kim because they're both alcoholics and also by the way i love how adrian's just like you know all this pettiness it's just so petty like i just thought we should we could be able to move on from it like oh yeah you you actually said that lisa vanderpump sold stories to tabloids and now lisa lisa's mad at you and now she's the petty one yeah right adrian's the horror adrian said horrible shit and she can't like fucking own it. And she didn't only say horrible shit. She waited until the reunion.

She had a meeting with the other ladies before the reunion, according to Brandy. To attack her. To gang up on her and attack her. And then even once she was smacked down, she just kept it up and kept it up and was nastier and nastier. up and was nastier and nastier. She's the one who got a stupid fucking little purse dog because Lisa's dog was so popular, which is a Jill Zarin move, which as far as I'm concerned,

that's as low as you go. Adrienne's pretty much proven herself. She's a horrible fucking human being, and I cannot wait till her lies about this Paul shit comes out. I cannot wait. Paul is a lucky man to get the hell away from her. Just based

on her taste in topiaries alone. And hair tinsel. The hair tinsel was gone. I was a little upset. Hair tinsel was gone, but in its place we had a massive, distorted, grotesque floral arrangement that arrived at Villa Blanca

to announce the 30th anniversary. It was like a floral arrangement of passive aggression. This giant thing came in with a little... It's like a giant poop cactus with crying tulips or some shit. Yeah, it looked like, honestly, it looked like the sort of the land that, like, Sonic the Hedgehog would be running through, you know? Okay, I don't know that our audience is going to get that. It was like a distorted Super Mario Brothers, like, hell landscape nightmare. Once again, you guys, everybody poops.

It was just big poop with some flowers stuck in it. It was honestly one of the ugliest arrangements I've ever seen. It wasn't even an arrangement. It was just like, was it an arrangement? What was it? It was just disgusting. It was some old warped logs. Yeah, it was giant poop logs in the shape of, fuck you, Lisa.

I'm going to embarrass you in front of your whole party. Which, of course, Lisa's not embarrassed because that just makes everyone say, oh, my God, why isn't Adrian here? And then Lisa says, oh, because she's an asshole, darling. The end. You know, like, well done, Adrian. Stupid. Right. And anytime Lisa says it with, you know, her accent and she's like, oh, because Adrian's an asshole.

You have to go with the accent. Accent always wins. Accent always wins. So authoritative. What do you think Adrian's motives were there? To be a bitch? To really try and bury the hatchet with Lisa? Or do you think she doesn't want to bury the hatchet?

No, no. It is classic passive aggression. That way if she's called on it, she can say, no, I was being nice. I was extending an olive branch. But the truth is, she's just showing everyone that she's not there and she's reminding Lisa and she's telling Lisa, I know about your party. It's total passive aggression. Yeah, but you know what?

If she was really sorry, there were months between the closing of filming or the ending of filming last season and the start of this season. It was not all continuous. She could have called Lisa and made amends and said she was sorry, but she wasn't sorry. She stuck to her guns. She's, as we'll see later in the season, because we've seen the preview, we know that she thinks that Lisa did it.

She accused her of her on national, or she's at least accusing her of that on national television. So what the fuck do you expect? I mean, why would you get invited to the party? Shut up, Adrian. And then that shitty arrangement arrives at like 8.30 at night at a cocktail party. For one, I don't know when the floral arrangements arrive after 5 p.m. unless you pay and you want to act like a super massive bitch, which is clearly what she was doing.

And, you know, here's the other thing. This is going to be—I think that she chose that ugly-ass thing on purpose because she knows what Villa Blanca looks like inside. It's all white with pink flowers. And she chose something that did not match whatsoever. She could have just sent, like, a nice, like, arrangement. She could have done anything. She sent a turd. If you guys have been to Villa Blanca, she could have gone to Z Gallery and gone to the sale bin there and picked up some like nasty

ass, like half-ass spray-painted cherubs because that restaurant is a shithole. And it would have been an improvement on that log. It was like someone took a gummy bear and like coated it in wood and like made it long and like distorted and put flowers on it.

Well, I think she was trying to manipulate Lisa into throwing it away on camera because it didn't go with the restaurant. And then she could say later, I sent you flowers and you threw them away in the trash. Oh, you're starting to sound like Jill Zarin. No, Jill doesn't talk like that. That's Adrian.

Is that Cindy Barshop? He's starting to sound like the little Mucinex thing. The little Mucinex booger that gets destroyed in the commercials. Shut up, Paul. That's Adrian. That's how she sounds to me. She's like an old man truck driver put into a weird melted Muppet body. Speaking of truck drivers, Kyle got a new Maserati from her husband, Mauricio.

What was that about? Are you guys hating Kyle? Because I kind of hate her right now. I hate her. now i hate her yeah she she turned the corner for me last season she was a bitch to her sister kim like really kim is a fucked up mess but kyle is just straight up mean to her and when that was going down last season i kind of checked out on kyle i loved her season one but now i'm just like stop flashing your money it's tacky not that they all aren't tacky and i love her daughter but like kyle is

just kind of boring and also i wouldn't i would not call her boring i mean the thing what i like about kyle is that she does these really bitchy things but then she does something that's very relatable i've always said this that that sort of redeems her a little bit and it's like that mixture of awful but also relatable that i think makes her interesting. Slash just like us. Just like us. But you know what I thought was really interesting was finally Kathy Hilton had to show up. She finally realized that she was not going to become famous on her own,

so she had to crawl onto her formerly less famous sister's show. And you could see she was sitting there with such a frosty smile. You could tell she hated the whole thing. And then she's giving parenting advice to this daughter going to prom. I know, which is hilarious. She's like, you better watch them or next thing you know she's going to be getting blowjobs and swallowing loads on the internet. Trust me, I know.

Yeah, Kathy, she looked miserable to me. She looked just frosty like you fucking bitch. But that's her shit, Kathy. Didn't you watch that thing, that celebrity or that apprentice? What was it, Martha Stewart's apprentice? She was awful.

It wasn't Martha Stewart's apprentice. I want to be a Hilton. And she'd sit there in a little chair. Yeah, like where you learn to be classy. And meanwhile, her daughter's getting stuck to tables from doing the splits on them. Ugh, gross. They're all gross. Kathy wanted to be the superstar, and fact that kyle has become the famous one of her generation

i think that really bothers kathy they are different generations by the way kathy is like like i want to say 11 years older than kim who's significantly older than kyle so she's like they're she's like kind of like their their other. They are stepsisters, I believe, too. Yeah, I don't think... They're half-sisters. They're half. I don't know the difference between half and steps, so just let's go with it. Half means that they share, I think, the same mother. And you can tell they have the same remnants of the same face.

They have the same car wreck personalities. I think Kathy is... I don't see why she would be mad. I mean, Kathy is legitimately filthy rich. Yeah. She is. She is. And I like, though, that Kyle is... I feel like every season...

I mean, how many birthday parties does this woman hold for her kids? I think they get, like, five birthday parties every season. Kyle secretly does have nine children, though. I know. It's true. She has a shit ton of kids. Yeah, she does. And they all look exactly the same.

They actually all have a bunch of kids. And I love that she had this, she's, you know, going to have this birthday party. And she asked Kim to come to it. And Kim's like, uh, she's like, uh, I don't know if I can, I don't know if I can make it. I don't know, because the kids are going to, I'm going to have the kids over. And the kids are doing stuff. And, you know, I got kids. And Carl's like, yeah, but I'm telling you to bring the kids.

Oh, you know, they want to do kid stuff. So she's like, yeah, but it is kid stuff. It's a kid's birthday party, Kim. Just bring the kids. Well, I don't know. It's a party. They get nervous. You know? It's a lot to commit to. Can we just take a break

for a second right here and just say who your favorite Beverly Hills housewife is? Because mine is fucking Kim. Oh, yeah, by far. She's wonderful. I love that whole conversation. That she has to herself, with herself. She's fucking nuts.

Actually, every line was really good with her. But the one where she was with her sisters and Kathy's like, oh, you know, you're going to have to get a boutonniere. And she's like, what's that? What'd she say? You're not serious? No, she goes like this. It's like, oh, I've got a boot and I've got an ear. I know, I've got a boot and I've got an ear.

But Kathy's like, you're crazy. And she's like, you're crazy. I love the boutonnieres they have at the Van Nuys. She said, you're not serious. And she said, you're not serious. I love the boutonnieres they have at the Van Nuys airport. She said, you're not serious. And she said, you're not serious. I love her. Oh, my God. Anytime you could reference the Van Nuys airport, I get the giggles.

I just love the airplanes there. They are great airplanes. It's a blackout. I don't know. I got to do my hair. It's a blackout. Oh, my God. Do you guys believe that Kim is sober?

Is she sober or not? I don't because she's still slurring. I mean, she's still the same. She's still crying over nothing. She's going to claim that that's the anxiety medication making her do all of those things, but I don't know that I believe it. Hey, listen, you can be addicted to Snickers bars. You're still called an addict, all right? And God bless her.

I think that some people are just born to be addicts, you know? Not everyone needs to live to be 90 years old and healthy. And, you know, Kim's had children. She looks thin. I mean, what else can you ask for? She's had a good career. Have a drink, girl. I'm also convinced that in order to keep, like, Kyle on the show, Kyle, Bravo keeps telling Kyle, like um you better make sure kim will come on the show

otherwise the two of you are getting the axe and it's just like i feel like kyle just keeps dragging her sister out there to be like embarrassed on tv and like beaten up and looking like shit but just just to keep kyle with a paycheck but yeah she's being embarrassed on tv and yet oddly enough kim is becoming like the best one ever yeah Yeah. I mean, just Kim's awkward opening. You cannot hate her. You know how they all pose? They make those poses for the opening. I did a thing where I was like, how many awkward poses can Kim make in two seconds? Because it's like

every angle she turns in is just horrible and awkward and hunchbacked and like, you know, she's trying to be so sexy. And then she tries to smile and you see her rotted teeth. It's not cute. I love her. I love her rotted teeth. It's not cute. I love her. I love her rotted teeth. I love her.

I don't know why she doesn't have a giant bow around her neck this season. That really pisses me off. I know. I really need that confessional ensemble to come back. At least an oversized boutonniere so she can talk about boutonnieres again. I got a bitch and I got a mirror. Oh, God. Sorry, I just did Leah voice by accident.

I was trying to do Kim voice, but I was burping at the same time I came out as Leah. I love how in the coming this season on Beverly Hills, they just cut to Kim and she's like, Yeah. Like, what, Kim? So, yeah, i love that um adrian is a total whore and it looks like they're going to make her pay this season because i don't see anyone yes anyone is going to be on her side everyone's going to be kissing lisa's ass this year all the husbands are fighting which i think is that that's a bad sign because it is because guess what they don't deserve as much screen time yeah but you know what?

Normally the husbands are the ones that are supposed to sit back and laugh at their dumb wives. But no, now they're in the mix of it. It's a disaster. I feel like it's going to be like on the OC when Sandy and Kirsten started to get divorced. And you're like, no, no, no, you're supposed to be the rocks. The men are the rocks. I need them to be stable. If they're fighting, I'm going to be totally unmoored.

I cannot get Peter Gallagher's eyebrows out of my head now. Thank you. You're welcome. Well, you know something that's super depressing, and I hate to be a downer about this season, but that fight where all the husbands are going at it, and it looks like all the women are going at it as well, is the white party. They're all wearing white, and doesn't that always

happen at the end of the season? No. No. It's like in the – I don't know. I love that Ronnie is so worried that we're going to have to – Ronnie is so concerned that we're going to have to wait like 18 weeks until we get to that fight. 24. I mean these are like real shows now. A minimum 24. Yeah. These are like real network shows now that just never end.

Listen, here's my experience with the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Both the previous two seasons, they had trailers for coming up on this season. And I have to say, both times, I was like, well, it doesn't look like there's going to be that much drama. I remember the first season being like, this doesn't look as good as any of the other stuff. Amazing, though. The stuff that comes out is out of control. It's ridiculous. Do you think that we like it so much because we live around here, or is it just the personalities are really that good?

Personalities are fantastic. I think it's the personalities. They seem like actual real people to me. They don't seem like a bunch of phonies. And I think that a lot of the Housewives shows, like the ones that are on right now, for example, Joanna Krupa is a total phony who makes up all of her scenes, does everything for TV. Mama Elsa is the best thing, but they set her up for everything, you know. Yeah. And these people seem like they're really filthy rich and they're shocked that they're actually having conflict.

You know, that's what always makes me laugh about this one is that they're always like, I can't believe that I'm fighting with somebody in public. I'm mortified. But, you know, what else are you going to do? I can't believe that I'm fighting with somebody in public. I'm mortified. But, you know, what else are you going to do? You're forced to be in a room and their ugly sides are all coming out and they're kind of mortified by it. You know, it's like they're mortified by their own fame.

And I love that. And they also think that they're like super classy because unlike New York City where the women in New York City are, you know, higher level than maybe an average person. But, you know, when it comes down to, like, the old money in New York City, it's like it gets so much bigger than what we see in the Real Housewives because they would never appear on TV. But in L.A. Right. But Vanderpump and Maloof are at the top of the pile in Beverly Hills. Exactly.

These are this is the top of the pile, which is why they really act like they are. They think that they're immensely classy and they really are not. Yeah. And then you have and then you have and then you have Faye Resnick walk in because we can't live without Faye goddamn Resnick. Yeah, and that's so LA too. Like you can be the richest bitch in the whole city and you still have to deal with fools because this town is a chain of fools. Like everybody in it is a fake asshole who came here because somebody in their childhood told them they were pretty once. Yeah, I mean honestly even just look at the trail of reality shows that swirls around all

these people okay you have let's start with brody jenner well i don't even know where to start yeah let's start with taylor who's friends with linda who used to be married to david foster who's married now to yolanda and david foster of course and linda linda is the the mother of Brody who was on the hills a lot and then now he's like the step brother to Kim Kardashian and then you know it's like it just it sprawls it's like a reality sprawl it's like that poop tree

that Adrienne gave Lisa it's like a big shit tree that goes from Laguna Beach to LA to Malibu and everywhere in between yeah Yeah, and then of course you have Yolanda who's with Mohammed and Mohammed was on Shazza Sunset. It really is. The poop tree is a perfect metaphor because you have

these little flowers and the little flowers are the reality shows that we get. That's the fun that we get. But it's based on a giant log of poop. Their lives are poop. Wealthy, but poop. Okay, speaking of Shazza Sunset sunset were you guys not super excited when they dropped that promo in i i love that fucking show i'm so excited for it december 2nd declared a

national holiday i will uh well it is it's my father's birthday and bernie spears's birthday so for me it is a national holiday which i guess means it's not a national holiday. It's a French holiday. Yay, vocabulary. Yay. We should go out and have some diamond water that night. I'm going to get some Persian food that night. I'm going to go to Westwood and go to some place called Scheherazade or whatever I think it's called. Get some rice with persimmons in it or pomegranate seeds.

I don't know. Or you could just be like MJ and order some sliders because she doesn't even eat Persian food. She just likes some sliders and some fries. I'm going to go across the street and stake out her door, and when the delivery comes, I'm going to steal it and bring it back up. I see her all the time now. Really? I've only seen her once.

That girl loves a tight, skinny, inappropriate jean. She really does. When I saw her coming out. With like a fat wedge heel. Like, you know girls that wear like those nude peep toes that are like from Aldo? They think they're like sexy, like expensive Louboutins, but they're really from Aldo and they're only like 60 bucks and they're nude. And they're peep toes and they put their foot in it and then they look like extra sausage casings. And then they wear like a bright, tight, blue, skinny jean that makes their ass look big it's just it's not good girls stop it yeah

stop doing that you guys stop it it's okay to be fat but that's why i got invented jogging pants um which is what i'm currently in by the way before anybody gets all incensed. I ain't no skinny jeans either. Okay, I feel like more happened on Beverly Hills. Yeah, go ahead and look at notes. I'm looking at my notes right here and we covered pretty much everything except my other favorite moment with Kyle's daughter, Porsche,

imitating Lisa and slash mocking her by saying bye darling on the phone. Hello darling. By the way, here's the reason why I will be a terrible parent. And because during that scene, Portia was like supposed to be talking on the phone and Kyle's holding up the phone and Portia's got her head turned away and like playing on the chair.

I'm like, speak into the goddamn phone. I have no goddamn manners. You're not facing the phone. The audio is not going to carry it. Well, your voice is already problematic. Oh, for those of you wondering,

Roseanne is pulling ahead in the presidential election. Pulling ahead. Okay, go on. This is America, guys. Let's have some patriotism. Go, Roseanne! Be the president! Yeehaw.

I want you to write me love letters every day so I can feel sexy and I am going to bring flowers to you with your coffee I want some romance in my goddamn life why don't I deserve somebody you know we all deserve that if that's what you want and you can get it get it well not when you make

somebody he's like oh she doesn't demand it she commands it okay stay behind the piano please don't talk because that was the dumbest thing i've heard all night and if you're that's like poetry rape you can't just force somebody to write you a love poem that's i mean what is even right he probably just like starts writing about the first thing he sees he's like the fly on the window could never leave a mark on that window like you've left on my heart. 60 Grammys, $1 billion.

Who gives a shit? $1 billion? He is the richest man in music. He's the richest man in music and he's very romantic with me. Oh my gosh, he does not sound like that. He reminds me of being back at the Dykes of Holland. Yeah, he doesn't like dirty, skanky, disgusting drunk women. No, he doesn't.

And I cannot believe that Brandy would say that I slept with everyone in the city. Or did she say that she slept with everyone? I do not know. I will say that I'm kind of maybe going to be a fan of hers later. Because I love in the coming this season on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills when she was like, who is this Adrienne Maloof woman?

Who is she? I mean, that was the best part of the preview when she was like, who the fuck does this bitch think she is? I was dying. Yeah, someone's going to finally go. Everyone kisses Adrienne's ass because she's the richest.

Right, but this woman will take, she will battle her, and it's going to be amazing. She also, by the way, I don't know if you noticed, she had a little bit of a Dana streak in her because she, like, bonded instantly with Kim over water. She was like, I think we're going to be best friends. I love you so much already. I just know it. Well, because Kim is drinking water. That's why. And Holy Anda thinks that she's all smart and

she's so good she's one of god's creatures i'm like bitch you got yourself a naked poster of yourself in your house i mean that is the worst having a picture of yourself is the worst but having a naked picture of yourself oh please like you don't have that on your iphone no i'm not that kind of a gay oh Oh, my God. Side note, one of my neighbors is really cute. So me and my other neighbor are always talking about him. And he saw him on some dirty site on the Internet and sent me pictures of him and his wiener. And I was like, who does that?

Who puts their wiener on the Internet? Can't do that. Where have you been? You guys, don't do that. And he shows his face, too oh no well is he hot oh yeah he's gorgeous yeah well send us the photos give myself give myself i'll forward i'll put the pictures up on the facebook page yeah please please make it our cover photo on facebook back Backslash watch what crappens. I know.

Suddenly it's going to be like 20,000 likes. Yeah. Okay. So do we have anything else? No. We need to head to Hotlanta. Okay. Let's go there right now.

All right. Hotlanta. So they've got some new desperation going on in Atlanta. I guess Sharae, the desperation is missing without Sharae or something. There's no children sleeping on the floor, on a mattress on in Atlanta. It's like, I guess Sheree, the desperation is missing without Sheree or something. There's no children sleeping on the floor, on a mattress on the floor. So they had to get some more desperate girls. And what is this? Who's that girl? Kendra?

Is that her name? Kenya. She's awful. Wait, why is she awful? Oh, I will tell you right now. For the first minute, I was like, oh, I sort of like her. And then all of a sudden I realized, wait a second, Ben. No, she's awful. She's a hideous

human being. She's absolutely terrible. When she went to, okay, first of all, she made me have sympathy for Cynthia. No, and this is where I'm going to fight you because anybody that makes Cynthia, I mean, she made herself look stupid, don't get me wrong, but anybody that also makes Cynthia look extra stupid, I'm all for them. Well, I mean, I see what you're't get me wrong but anybody that also like makes Cynthia look extra stupid I'm all for

them well I mean I see what you're saying there I do get that but the thing is Cynthia is the worst but the thing is she wasn't making Cynthia look stupid by sort of like by sort of schooling Cynthia with some logic like for instance the way Cynthia's daughter schooled her by wanting to go to school instead of

being homeschooled after Cynthia made this whole big thing about how she wants to homeschool the daughter and the daughter's like no I want to go to school instead of being homeschooled. After Cynthia made this whole big thing about how she wants to homeschool the daughter, the daughter's like, no, I want to go to school. You guys, how creepy is that? That she's homeschooling her daughter and she's like, oh, well, she's just not happy at school. Nobody likes her. She just doesn't feel like she can be who she wants to be. And then

the daughter walks in and she's gorgeous and she's smart and she's well-spoken. Like, what the hell kind of school are you sending her to? I think Mallory should swoop in and steal her. Yeah, I think so. Cynthia should not be teaching school. That's ridiculous.

She runs the Bailey Modeling Agency. Well, there are a lot of life lessons to be learned at the Bailey Modeling Agency. Which is, let me tell you a few of them. Number one, maybe you should get a lower back tramp stamp, and then you should shake your vagina cleavage on the runway. There.

We've had our day's lesson. Yeah. The end. You know who embarrassed themselves? Jet Magazine for associating themselves with the fucking Bailey agency. How ridiculous is that? It's a shame because I always thought Jet Magazine was so classy. Because I love Jet Magazine.

I always thought it was so classy. Didn't they used to have Felicia Rashad on the cover and now they have dirty vaginas hanging out of bikinis? Whenever I think of Jet Magazine, I just think of Billy Dee Williams. That's really all. With a jerry curl, right? Oh, by the way,

for those who are listening to this live, which is no one because this is taped in advance, Obama just went up to 228 electoral votes over one. He's 244. Yeah. Looks like he's taking it. Well, they just called Hawaii. They just called Hawaii for Obama. Now all the blue states are coming in.

So, yeah, now he's going to take it. Callie. Hello. A lot of yellows, though. Anyway, the point is this uh cynthia is dumb we all know that cynthia is dumb cynthia is dumb moving on okay the episode started though um with the star of the show whether you love her or hate her it is nini i'm a big ass bitch leaks and the beginning of the episode was kind of talking about her and

her ex, Greg. Will they get together? Are they going to, you know, stay divorced? What's going to happen? And Nini is also obviously on The New Normal on NBC, NBC Universal, which also owns Bravo. The synergy is ridiculous. Do you think Nini and Greg are back together? There's rumors that they never really were even apart.

You can follow this one in. Things that Ben does not care about and will never care about. Well, I think that you can really tell how vile NeNe Leakes is, that she's rich and famous now, and she still can't get dick other than Greg. I mean, God, no. That's how

vile of a woman she is. You know what? That is true, because Greg is not a hottie and NeNe is, like, rich and famous, and nobody still wants to put it in her. Yeah, I mean she's in a sitcom. She could be doing a PA right now. Like there is no reason she should not have some 20-year-old stud right now like everybody else in Hollywood. She should.

Like Candy, she did well. She got herself – although the guy is older than her, but she got herself a cute guy. He is only three years older than her. That is not like old. I said older. Isn't he someone that works on the show or something oh didn't you love how they like totally like swept that shit under the rug he was like totally a cameraman that was filming with him or a producer that was filming with him when they were in africa and uh you know she wanted that and he wanted her

and so they hooked up i mean back in the day when this shit used to happen like on the real world season one yes i'm taking it back to 91 right now. When Becky started to sleep with, you know, the guy that was a producer on real world one, they fired him from the show. Yeah. Well, you know, the difference is nobody cares. It's fine because now they also allow punches on the on real house. I was going to say the real housewives does not follow those rules. They do not follow real world rules. I mean, to say, the Real Housewives does not follow those rules. They do not follow

real world's rules. You can have violence. No, I mean, if anything, they're becoming Bad Girl Club. Thank you, Miami. Yeah, thank you. I was going to say,

I don't know. I think Candy is well... Well, are you guys happy about Candy? I like seeing her in love. I love seeing her. And now this brings me to my weekly attempt

to do her voice, which is always an utter failure. Oh, this is always a mess, Ben. Because I never practice. And then I try to do it live. And it's always horrific.

You know what, Candy, a.k.a. Ben, fly above all the haters and do your thing. Fly above. Here's the attempt. And over the course of the season, I'll try to get better and better and get it to a place where it's usable. So I don't like it. I can't even do it no that's it you're gonna do it like the like mammy i know every time ben starts my skin starts to crawl because i'm like oh my god somebody's calling the end in my head i hear exactly how it's supposed

to sound and then somewhere along the way it, it comes out all wrong. No, it comes out. I don't know. It's all wrong. Stop. I did want her to push Kim down the stairs. Kim is so fucking rude. She goes to Candy's new home, which is huge

and it's two homes, which is crazy. And she's going to redo her home and make it all nice. And Kim's like, oh, this is so ghetto. Only one gate opens. This is so ghetto. Oh, welcome to the hood, honey. She goes in.

She's on her phone texting the whole time, bitching as she goes through, criticizing every little thing. Meanwhile, this bitch is getting evicted. Okay? Yeah, I was about to say. She's not paying her bills. She's not getting evicted because she's paying the bills. It's because that evil decorator has her head on the chopping block.

No, because she wouldn't pay her. She refused to pay the decorator. No, because that woman wanted to be a full-time star of the Real Housewives and Kim put the kibosh on that and now she's going after Kim. This is one of Kim's redeeming qualities, which is that she did not pay for that hideous design job because no one should have to pay for what Kim's house looks like.

Oh, my God. And Kim, speaking of, the one not speaking to her parents since the wedding since she wouldn't let her mom pee in the house like a fucking little brat. Oh, her mom is horrible. I am Team Kim. Fuck that mother. So she doesn't even speak to her own parents anymore. They send a check to the baby for $25 like why does a baby

even need $25 and she's like well I guess that's okay they don't have much money fuck where did you get your money from your fucking coos shut up Kim that woman has done nothing but hoe around her entire life and live off

other men and the only reason she's popular on this show is because she's a fucking joke of a wig-wearing blowjob dude. Oh, you better watch your goddamn mouth. If anybody's going to start talking shit, why don't you be talking some shit on Croy and other men in the world who keep a pamper? Because guess what? You can't be hating on a woman that goes and gets her shit taken care of and gets those wigs and gets those diamonds and has somebody else fucking pay the bills because she's not paying them and I give her props. Wait, can I offer up a third alternative? Can we just hate all of them altogether?

Why does it have to be one or the other? They're all idiots and they're all trash. She's a horrible human being. And you know what was really sad? We didn't get to see Brielle or what's the other one? Brielle! Brielle! What's the other one? Adriana ariana uh whatever the forgotten one

the forgotten one who gets shoved into pools and stuffed with you know cheetos and stuff like that poor ariana she's she's the only one who seems sweet and like a good girl she brings out the best in her mother okay we need to talk about Phaedra and her dream in life to become the Vera Wang of funerals slash she's going to do pet funerals slash she told that sad veterinarian that her dog

was kind of like her child, but not really. That was some fucked up awkwardness because that woman really did think that her dog was her child. I totally forgot about that. You know, Phaedra did not make an impression on me this week. I totally forgot about that. There was not enough donkey booty.

You know what, though? I will say this. Again, you know I hate kids so much, but I did think it was really cute, that little scene where Aiden was riding in a car, like a little toy car with the other little kids and stuff. What is wrong with you, Ben? I don't know. I'm hungry. What can I say? It's election night. The country's changing. What can I do? I also love that

she was like, oh, I'm glad Apollo didn't see Aiden getting that gay pink little bicycle. Like, what? Is your felon of a husband going to beat up your two-year-old son because he may have a gay tendency? Listen, when you're born to Phaedra Parks, you're going to turn out gay. I'm sorry.

Your mom's a drag queen. And your dad's like a gay masturbation idol. And you're going to turn out like Lawrence and you're going to get your nails did and wear a man brooch and a houndstooth chapeau. Here's another reason why I don't like Kenya. She sits and talks to us and tells us who Lawrence is. I'm like, bitch, we've been watching the show for four years. We know exactly who Lawrence is. You don't have to tell us who she is.

He's a bigger star than Phaedra. Let's get real. What's wrong with Lawrence's neck? That it's got terrible accessories around it. No, he also had some scarring, like an additional gouge on his cheek. It looks like a bad Well, you know he's got a rough

side to him. Remember, he knew who Apollo was, you know? Remember that. Are you suggesting that he likes to get raped in prison? I'm saying that Lawrence probably runs with a rougher crowd than we might ever imagine. So, by rough crowd, you mean he

might hang out with Cynthia's husband, Peter, who has a restaurant in the ghetto So by rough crowd, you mean he might hang out with Cynthia's husband Peter, who has a restaurant in the ghetto. By rough crowd, he means that he's no stranger to having a fist in his stomach. He's no stranger to have some poop on his back. Did you guys,

by the way, think that it was a little bit of a slap in the face to our former lover Sheba Sharaarae Whitfield, that they would bring Lawrence out? Because Lawrence was Sharae's gay, and now they're trotting him back out. I think it was a slap in Sharae's face. I thought so, too. And I was like, you know, shame on Lawrence for not being more loyal to Sharae. Well, shame on Sharae for not figuring out that that now is not the time to be fucking with nini wrong time bad timing boo yep um i want to say one thing about who are we just talking about

before though okay look phadra hilarious i will always love phadra but she's actually gonna have real drama this year i've liked on the coming this season clips when, I mean, does this Kenya girl fall in love with Apollo? What was that? It looks like, well, Kenya is like crazy. She's crazy. I think that Obama may have just won the presidency. I'm not sure.

I'm showing him at 249. Oh, no, I'm sorry. He just won Iowa. Sorry. Just Iowa. I'm showing him at 249. This is no, I'm sorry. He just went to Iowa. Sorry. Just Iowa. I'm showing him at 249 and Mitch at 243. I know.

They're like, yep, this was really nerve-wracking last night. Glad I'm listening to this. I wonder if he's going to go down in fucking flames. What's going on with Matt? You just turned into Satan. It sounded like you were on a phone line.

We're sitting on a phone line. Like we're sitting on a conversation. It's like, just so you all know right now. Matt, make sure your snowball is on. It sounds like you're on a telephone. Well, while Matt fixes that, I want to talk about Kenya again. I'm sorry. I keep coming back to her because, you know, we keep getting sidetracked off her. She's the new one.

She is crazy. The way she acts at the Bailey agency was ridiculous. At first, I thought that she was just playing it up for the cameras, Joanna Krupa style. But then I started to really think that she was just a crazy bitch. Who, Kenya? Kenya. Yeah, Kenya's crazy. She comes off as crazy when she's talking about being a model and they show we're all chunky.

I'm like, come on now, girl. I have made ten films and they have all made me money. I'm like, honey. And then you looked at the box and it was starring Mario Van Peebles. Yeah, it's like Kellogg's, the movie. I was like, what?

With Keisha Knight Pulliam and Tempest Bledsoe as Tempest Bledsoe. I'm so far totally down with this movie. I think it's called The Cosby Show. I know, right? Yeah, she comes off as totally nuts. I think I'm going to like Candy.

I'm not really seeing where the drama is going to come in, except with this crazy-ass Kenya, right? She's crazy. She's in the middle of all the fights. Don't you think it's weird? I like Candy, but she was kind of giving me... From Wondery, this is Black History For Real. I'm Francesca Ramsey. And I'm Conscious Lee.

What do most people think about when they hear the words Black History? Rosa Parks, Reconstruction, MLK, February, Black History Month. Exactly, exactly. There are so many stories of Black History that we just are not really talking about or thinking about, especially outside of February. And we are about to flip the script on all of that. Because on this show, you're going to hear a little less. In August 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue.

And a little bit more. She is a heroine to some. As a fighter for black rights, she is a villain to others. Follow Black History for Real on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen everywhere on February 5th, or you can listen early and ad-free on Wondery Plus

starting January 29th. Join Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, played by HBO's industry's Myhala Herald, a brilliant scholarship student who has to quickly adapt to her newfound eat-or-be-eaten world. Ava's ambitions take hold and her small-town values break in hopes of becoming the first scholarship student to make The List, Bishop Gray's all-coveted academic top 10, curated by the headmaster himself.

But after realizing she has no chance at The List on her own, she reluctantly accepts an invitation to a secret underground society that pulls the strings on campus life and academic success. If she bends to their will, she'll have everything she's ever dreamed of. But at what cost? Academy takes you into the world of a cutthroat private school

where power, money, and sex collide in a game of life and death. Follow Academy on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Academy early and ad free right now by joining laundry plus what silence no i was just saying like it seemed weird to me that like candy um candy seems to be like flashing her dollar bills more now and it just seems like so not her oh whatever because you know what though she's i don't know i think she's allowed to lashing her dollar bills more now. And it just seems like so not her. Oh, whatever. Because you know what, though? She's, I don't know.

I think she's allowed to. Yeah, because Kandi Singh has always been like, I work for my money and I own it. It's like, okay. I shop at TJ Maxx, y'all. I save my money because I earn it. This money ain't given to me by some man. This is my money.

I made this money. Hey, Kandi, where'd you get your money? I made it. Like, all right, Kandi. Jeez, man. This is my money. I made this money. Hey, Candy, where'd you get your money? I made it! Like, alright, Candy. Jeez, babe. I so wish I could do my Candy voice. I just don't have one. One more try. I do not have one either. The only one I really had was Sheree. And Sheree is gone.

So funny. So funny. I loves me some charade do we have anything else to say about Atlanta yes we do go for it Ryan Murphy what do we think about meaning with Ryan

Murphy and all of that is that Ryan Murphy oh that was Ryan Murphy yeah yeah I've never seen him talk before I thought he was just some really flamey assistant no no that's ryan murphy they were just like well he sure didn't get anywhere from second dick that's how funny was it though when she was like let me call my bff tyler perry uh disconnected yeah that was great that was good but she laughed about it. That's good. She was dying inside, though.

Yeah, I don't know what to say about him. I will say that he's got a second season of a show that's actually good right now, which is very rare for him. But I'm watching American Horror Story, and that show is effing crazy. I wish there was a show called American Horror Story. I would watch that. You already are. Oh, Obama just won. It looks like Obama just won.

I think they're going crazy on TV. Yeah, they're going crazy. But CNN's being, I'm watching CNN and they're being very. Ohio is now officially Obama. Oh, it's yellow on CNN. CNN's being conservative. Fox News is calling Obama. Oh, it's yellow on CNN. CNN's being conservative. Fox News is calling Obama.

Obama's at 262 on Fox News. I hate that I'm on the news channel that's behind. They're being so conservative. Come on, CNN. Switch it over. All right. So wait. Let's go on to Miami because we're running out of time.

I've got to be real. Before you go to Miami, Atlanta kind of was boring to me. Yeah, it was totally boring. It was 100% boring. Okay, I'm glad I'm not the only one. I'm still totally invested, obvi. But I'm kind of like, whatever. By the way, people are screaming outside, so I think Obama won.

I'm sure the honks are going to start happening soon. I think that it was probably MJ getting her sliders on. Okay, now let's just hope that the Republicans take this time to stop hating gay people and trying to decide what women should do with their bodies. Okay? That's enough of that.

Okay, so what's up with a little housewife of Miami? This was a long time ago. I don't remember the show. Really, the big part about this show, there were two things that happened that were noteworthy. One was that Leah's dog got sick and Leah started to cry.

And I don't want to make fun of Leah because we love Leah. No, we love her, but he's no Meeloo. He's no Meeloo. He's not a proud dog. By the way, I've got to close my window soon because these people are screaming. I can hear them. It sounds like you're at the TV. It sounds like I'm at Obama headquarters.

No, Milou, yeah, I mean, this poor dog is nothing compared to Milou. So that happened, and then this weird guy who recites the vowels to sanctify places or to make them pure or whatever.

A-A-R-O-O. Those are vowels. I know. That's all he was doing. In case you didn't know. Yeah. That's just vowels, buddy. Do you got anything else?

Are you channeling a dead Muppet right now? I'm trying to teach this guy. Sesame Street. I'm so distracted by these people screaming right now i can barely even focus on what i'm like okay excuse me everyone can you hear it can you guys yes but you live a block away from me what the fuck is that it's people on i mj mj is running through the streets naked oh my god and laugh bread's going to put some pomegranates in there. She's going to stuff her face. Get your hummus on, girl.

She's in a shower of saffron rice right now. Yeah, she's running through the streets carrying a bowl of meat. She's making hummus angels. She just poured a vat of hummus on her face. Oh my god, a hummus. I want to make a hummus angel in the road. Okay, guys.

Mitt Romney won Missouri. So anyway. Sidebar. Sidebar. So actually, here's what I realized about Miami this week. Was that it was pretty much like the recap episode. When everyone told their side of the story of the big fight. And Adriana, the way she told her story was like, you know, I was just, you know, I was trying to get away.

And, you know, she pulled on my shoulder. And, you know, it was like she took a knife and stabbed me in the heart and then shot me in the head And you know I had to stop her and I said very politely And you know she came into my conversation with Karen and I did be very polite I was like could you please the conversation? I really do not I don't want to include you in this I like you too much for you to be in it What really happens are being but off? I like you too much for you to be in it.

What really happens is I'll be like, butt off, butt off, butt off. No, I'm sorry. I agree with every single thing that Adriana said and did over the past two weeks, and I hate Joanna, but when she started to say that, like, tapping me on the back of the shoulder was like shooting me in the head

and stabbing me in the face and in the heart, I was like, that's, you know, I like drama, but that's just a tad dramatic. It was like, it was a really... I was assaulted! Yeah. And then Joanna, of course, was like, you know, I just wanted to go and just, like, just see what was going on.

And then she kicked me in the nuts. Yeah, Joanna Krupa's ridiculous. Which she does have. And she did reach for her and try and yank her around as she was following her, berating her. She deserved to get smacked in the face. People did not like that last week when we or whoever

were saying that she deserved it. Yes, she did. I will say it again. She deserved to get punched twice in the head. Yes, she most certainly did. By the way, CNN has now finally officially projected that Obama has been re-elected. Way to go, CNN. You're really on it.

You're on the pulse. Is Wolf Blitzer standing somewhere? I like some Wolf Blitzer. I feel like MJ is going to run in the studio any second now and knock him over and shove hummus down his throat. I love that Watch What Crappens announced before CNN did. Oh my god, we're super famous.

Are there any states that haven't called it yet so that we can call it right now and say that we really did beat it i don't know they're showing like footage from africa right now on cnn people like dancing oh that's not offensive that's more offensive than you trying to sound like candy burris that's my candy oh my god why does she always have to be like a special needs fraggle? Because she sort of, if you listen, she sort of sounds like that. She kind of does sound like that. Why above all the haters is candy? My sister-in-law, by the way, says, thank God for gay rights. So thanks.

Thanks, Carrie. But anyway, speaking of gay rights, back to this. Real Housewives of Miami. I did. Who was it? Who was it? Leah, who was like, wow, I just can't believe how these two stories could be totally different. It's like, it's because they're both crazy bitches. And that's the problem. Yeah, exactly.

Like, could you imagine if they were testifying in a court of law? I mean, you have a mistrial every single time. So what do you think about this um party or the leah gala or whatever that they all went to and the black gala and they were sat next to tables next to each other and adriana just the whole time was like oh look at that stupid slut over there yeah that's right oh yeah look at that stupid whore um but let's be real that's like anytime i go to the abbey in West Hollywood. That's just how it is. That's how it is

in a gay man's world. And a gay man's world is the same thing as the Real Housewives of Miami. It's actually... It's very similar. It's 100% true. Do you not have a little dog? You have a little dog. He's not little. He's medium-sized.

He's kind of a thug actually okay i've gotten a drink thrown on me in a bar i've been pushed in a swimming pool like this is just how we roll this is you know this is exactly like real house was miami it's like everything that you'd find in a gay bar flashy clothes flashy people women who look like men men who look like women and gloria stefan and gloria playing on a loop. And Joe Francis just showing up without his shirt on. Exactly. Which I have no problem with. FYI, Joe, not a problem.

Meanwhile, I also liked how Alexia continues to absolutely hate Corrine. And like, well, Alexia was talking to someone and a friend comes over and she's like, well, this is what she does. She comes over, she wants to interrupt. That's okay. That's okay. That's what she was going to do. I was like, I love where evil Alexia came from. I mean, I love evil Alexia, but last season she was. She comes over. She wants to interrupt. That's okay. That's okay. That's what she was going to do. And she's like, I love where evil Alexia came from. I mean, I love evil Alexia.

But like last season, she was such a wallflower. She has reason to be evil now. She is just like a super like uber protective mommy. And like if you ruffle her feathers, she will fucking bite your face off. And they all know that Adriana is fucking crazy. And they just don't care. They're going to stand up for her anyway. Oh, regardless.

Regardless. They know she's nuts. No one's even pretending that that's not happening. So what else happened on this stupid show? What happened with Marta this go-round? I totally forget. Was she looking glassy-eyed in the back corner? She looked all abused. She kept staring at the floor

and avoiding everyone's gaze. It's really still so tough to be an actress in Miami. Yeah, it's really hard because I'm not as pretty as Joanna. She is 90 times prettier than Joanna. Daisy and I are going to have a one-woman show. Even though it's two women, it's just going to be one woman. And we're just going to be like, she's going to sit on my shoulders.

And we're going to read the back labels of mayonnaise. marta by the way i don't know i'm sorry i just might i just i was like i have to finish this somehow i'm just gonna just wait till the next word comes out of my mouth and that's gonna be a wrap on that weird weird tangents i'm not on my best tonight guys i'm not did marta pretend to know Spanish this time? Or was that the previous episode where she was like, oh, with Lisa. They do. Yeah. With, like, Lisa's, like, maid lady. And Marta was like, oh, yeah, I'm from Poland, but I'm pretending to speak Spanish.

Yeah. Another Polish immigrant trying to fill her plates. So do we have anything really more about Miami? Because I don't even remember any of it i think next week's gonna be good because i think that's when um elsa yelled gets yelled at yeah i i uh i remember there when i was watching mammy thinking like oh my god there's so much funny stuff but at this point i'm like my brain is fried i'm distracted with the tv and people screaming in the streets and mj pouring hum over everything. So I'm really useless.

I'm useless. Election is finally coming to an end. Thank God. It's been so obnoxious. Oh, I can't deal with all those Facebook posts. Enough people. Oh God, enough Facebook. Guess what?

No one cares. I've had to stop looking at Facebook. Do you know how much my porn consumption has gone up in this past three months? A lot. Through the roof, right? It's ridiculous. And I don't like babies, and I now miss seeing my friends' obnoxious baby photos on Facebook.

Bring those back. Get rid of this election shit. You guys start talking about how much your baby's pooping. I'd rather see your ugly baby that you think is cute doing something stupid that I don't care about. You know what this all tells me? I gotta get off Facebook. That's what I gotta do. Well, then you'll never know what's going on. I mean, Facebook is a necessary evil. It's the only way you know when

someone's got a birthday or blah, blah, blah. You gotta know. You gotta stay on Facebook until something better's there. Ugh. What a world. What a world, guys. What a world. Okay, before we go, I want to talk about Silicon Valley.

I actually really liked it. With Hermione and how she lives in Silicon Valley. I'm doing a really weird accent. I'm sorry. I don't even know what's going on. I'm just like, I can't do anything tonight. They are no gallery girls. Yeah, I thought

it was pretty awful. Maybe if they would put in some of the gallery girls, I'd watch it. First of all, they're trying to make these kids seem like they were somewhat cool, or like the San Francisco lifestyle is cool. Look, I have a lot of friends who live up there. San Francisco's awesome, but it's not a cool place. I'm sorry. It's just not.

There's good restaurants, and there's good shopping, and it's not cool. Yeah, it's like farm-to-table life up there. Cool places are LA, Vegas, Miami, New York City. I'm sorry. Those are the cool places, and that's it. And you forgot to mention Atlanta and Orange County.

Those are all the cool places. Orange County. Where all the housewives are. Ben was reeling off all the cities, and I was like, oh, they're secretly all the housewives. No, not Las Vegas. Not Franklin Lakes. I'm sorry. Franklin Lakes is the coolest.

I mean, Chateau. I mean, Cafes franklin lakes is the coolest i mean chateau i mean it's like the epicenter of fashion and beauty it is egg salad but um but i don't know myself without my rubber sheet i just thought like the people you know i like that there were two british people on there you know so i was when i was watching i was making british jokes and the stupid girl has union jackss on her pillow. She's very on the nose, but I don't know. Yeah, I mean, I'm going to watch it, but I am more excited for the return

of Top Chef Seattle. Oh, yes. Padma, Gale. Well, Padma dancing in that commercial is fucking hilarious. First of all. Using the moves she learned on Glitter. But I think that Silicon Valley is actually good, but I did worry because there was not anybody that I

was imitating. That's usually a sign. That's a sign of death. There's not really a camp factor. Listen, I watched it. Yeah, exactly. I watched the first half with Michelle Collins and Lisa Timmons. And if I'm watching with those two women

and we're not like still having the best time, cause you know, it's like, they're so funny and you can sort of like watch crap and still have like be cracking up. It's, you know,

it's a failure. That is the barometer. That is the pole. Yeah. I think it's super interesting to watch because I'm not familiar with that life at all. So I like seeing that. And I think that it's so funny that these are supposed to be these brilliant kids and their business ideas are like an app.

Okay. One of them is an app that tells you if you do good things and eat good things and you get points and you get more lifespan. So you're like trying to accumulate. It's a Tamaguchi for your goddamn phone. Yeah, for yourself. And that guy, by the way, has had crazy plastic surgery, which was shocking to me. Who, the British guy? The young guy?

Oh, wait, I thought you were talking about the gay guy. No, the gay guy's got a different one. He's got another health one that's a goal thing where you set a goal. It's like, you guys, they already have these apps. I mean, Jesus Jesus Christ come up with something original those are horrible horrible horrible ideas you get lifespan

so what God's going to check your iPhone to make sure that you don't have any points left before he takes you from cancer stupid and will they refund the app when people die yeah I just the whole thing was just like... Way too dark. Here's the thing. Bravo

needs to understand what it's good at and what people want from it, which is that we want to see middle-aged people who can be catty and tacky, okay? Like Martin, Lauren, and they can be... And if they're going to be young, they've got to be catty as all hell, like Gallery Girls, okay? Well, don't you think they should build more

than just that? No. That's all they need because that's why the Shaws of Sunset is coming back in December, which gives us our young tacky, and then our middle-aged tacky is the Million Dollar Decorators. And I could not be more excited for those two shows. Yeah.

And Shaws of Sunset, quite frankly, for TV, it's middle-aged tacky because they're all in their mid-30s. Yeah, they're like friends tacky. Well, they all say that they're 22, but they're really all 47. Yeah, like friends. Yeah. Yeah.

You know, by the way, they got rid of, Sammy is not on the cast anymore of Shaz the Sunset. Tear. Oh, tear. Maybe he's buried in Muhammad's backyard. Maybe he's doing stand-in work for Danny DeVito now. Maybe he's doing stand-in work for Danny DeVito now. Maybe he's doing stand-in work for Dom DeLuise. Oh, R.I.P. R.I.P.

Or Paul Provenzo. Oh, too soon. Paul Provenzo died? Wait, isn't Paul Provenzo the chef that looks like Dom DeLuise? Isn't Paul Provenzo the stand-up comedian? Oh, yeah, sorry. He's the comedian that has a show on Showtime. Never mind.

He's still alive. Don't anybody worry. He's not dead. But Sammy can still do stand-up work for him. See, we call a presidential election before CNN, but then we fuck up Paul Provenzo. Our credit is shot. Who are we? Could you imagine if Paul Provenzo actually listens to this?

He's like, oh, my God, I'm alive. If you're a straight man and you're listening to this show please leave a message on our facebook page and tell us um what you think oh wait you know we wait a second guys there's one thing we have not talked about whatsoever and we have to talk about it say it in leah's voice if you're gonna do it like that talk about it it's really important we talk about it the three of us over the weekend went and saw the Real Drunk Housewives of San Fernando Valley, which is playing here in Los Angeles. Oh, yeah. Yeah, we were, you know, our...

We got the VIP treatment. Yeah, we have to thank Natalie, who set it up for us. She's on our Facebook page. She invited us. We went. We had a really fun time. And not only that, you know who was in the audience? Well, you guys know. It was Vicki Gumbelson. She was us. We went. We had a really fun time. And not only that, you know who was in the audience? Well, you guys know.

It was Vicki Gumbelson. She was there. Yeah, little Vic was there. We were interacting with a housewife, the three of us, live. I got nervous, and I was like, I'm not talking to her. I did. I just said hi. And she said hi.

And then she posed with the poster of the show. Yeah, we were all... And then she posed for some other pictures. And then she posed for some other pictures. And then she posed... That's the kind of woman to go to the zoo just because she knows people are there who are going to take her picture. When the show goes off the air, she will be going to the

shopping mall and to the zoo every day to get her photo taken. She's going to do the selfish scene. Totally. She had a gay with her who dropping them all into the zoo every day to get her photo taken. Yeah. Totally. She, um, uh, she, uh, she had a gay with her who I thought was so cute.

And yeah, the, the Filipino sort of looking one. Oh, Ben. Yeah. I liked him. Um,

so if you're listening, Filipino man. Yeah. Thanks for the show. That was a really fun show. You guys. Thanks for having me. Vicky was cracking up like crazy. She was having a time of her life. yeah thanks for the show that was a really fun show you guys thanks for having me he was he was

cracking up like crazy she was having a time of her life i liked that girl ricky i think that she runs um a housewives uh blog or tumblr called housewives rag and she is the star of that fucking show yeah she was great yeah yeah so you guys can check it out just um google real real drunk housewives of the san fernando valley and it's playing in hollywood for the rest of the month i believe they keep getting extended over and over again so they'll probably be around for longer yeah and uh they serve to kate light and maybe you'll have a real a real housewife in your audience with you because i guess tamra went and saw a rehearsal and aviva left a recording that gets played in the middle at the end of the show

and if tamra had been there the night that we were there, I would have gotten into a fight with her. I'm not even fucking kidding. She would have thrown some wine in your face. There is no housewife I hate more than Tamara fucking skank bitch Barney. Larissa Pippen, I think, is my least favorite.

And Teresa. Wow, Larissa Pippen, she didn't really even have time to do that much bad stuff. Well, yeah, it's funny. We were having this conversation earlier. The reason why I hate Larsa Pippen, she didn't really even have time to do that much bad stuff. Well, yeah, it's funny. We were having this conversation earlier. The reason why I hate Larsa Pippen so much is that she's hateful and vile, but not even in an entertaining way. Like, there was nothing. She doesn't even make an impression.

So she's a waste of space, and she's vile. So she's like a terrible, terrible example of humanity. Yeah. I agree. Yeah. That's a great podcast on huh yeah i know it's like silence we all agree we hate her how fun is that how fun is that i'm gonna go to chicago and find larsa pippen and invoice her for the basketball and she left on my property i gave it to Frida and she made it into a helmet. How fun is that?

Now all her braids are ruined so I gotta curl her hair. Hey, you guys, when does Top Chef begin? Tomorrow. Tomorrow night. Yeah. Wednesday. For those of you who may be listening. Oh, yeah.

So tonight, if you're listening today on Wednesday. Yeah, then it's tonight. Okay, then let's definitely talk about that. Maybe we should do a separate one just for that. In Miami, I think this week is on Sunday, I believe. Oh, okay. Okay, well, you guys can find me, Ronnie, at TVGasm on Twitter. You can find Ben at B-Side Blog.

You can find Matt at Life on the M-List. I'm recapping this season of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills for TVgasm, so go there to read my recaps, or I will post them on the Facebook page. I'll also be doing coming next week redubs for the show all season long. So again, go to TVgasm or come to our Facebook page, watch what crappens

forward slash watch what crappens, or follow us on Twitter at what crappens. Okay, everybody. And I'll promise I'll work on my Candy Burris impersonation. By the end of the season, I want you to sound just like her. It'll get there. This is like, it's gonna get there.

Okay, you commit to Candy and I will commit to Phaedra. Alright. Oh my god, and I'm just gonna commit to still being like the bitch in the background. Yeah. How about you commit to getting your penis off the Internet? Because if I ever run across that, you're in big trouble with me, buddy.

How will you know? I don't put my face with it. Oh, okay. Then never mind. Keep it on. Okay, everybody. Thanks so much. Talk to you next time.

Bye-bye. Bye, guys. I said I didn't need you baby I said I'd get along I thought I could make it without you, baby But I guess I'm not that strong And I didn't know I could miss you so Until you were gone Until you were gone You are gone. Todd Glass, Liza Schleichinger. Schleichinger, I've been friends with her for 10 years.

One of the funniest people out there, and I still have a hard time with the last name, Liza. Our very own Owen Benjamin, that's me, takes you on a musical journey down internet rabbit holes and much more. You don't have to wait any longer. Just go to youtube.com slash waitforitcomedy. There's no need to wait for it anymore. Because it's here. And it's funny.

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