Watch What Crappens - #49: That's So Persian!

Episode Date: December 5, 2012

That's So Persian! See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

From Wondery and Audible comes Class of 88, a new podcast hosted by Will Smith. Before 1988, a lot of people didn't take hip-hop seriously. But hip-hop today touches everything from film to fashion to sports. So what changed? Follow Class of 88 wherever you get your podcasts. موسیقی Hey everyone, it's Watch What Crappens, a weekly podcast about all that stuff that we love on Bravo. I'm Ben Mandelker from bsideblog.com and you can find me at bsideblog on Twitter. And joining me as always are Matt Whitfield from Yahoo TV. Hey, Matt. Hey, Ben.

Happy birthday. Oh, thank you very much. Thank you. Are you 29 again? 29 again, as I will be for the next foreseeable future. And Matt is at Life on the M-List. And we also have Ronnie Karam from TVgasm. Hey, Ronnie. Hello from TV. Gazan. Hey Ronnie.

Hello everybody. Hi, Ronnie is at TV Gazan. And this podcast is at what crap ends on Twitter. And you should really follow us because it's just, it's important to end on, on Facebook. You should follow us too.

We're a facebook.com slash watch what crap ends. And you should follow us not because we need followers, but there's actually a lot of fun stuff that goes on on our Facebook page major shout out to all the people that participate on our Facebook page you guys are fucking hilarious yeah you really are and it's like people are really active and people post news stories

and there's just a lot of fun stuff that goes on there more than you might even believe so you should really follow us and add us as friends and stuff. But wow, we have so much fun stuff to talk about today because there are like seven new shows to talk about. So is everyone ready?

Is everyone ready to go down this wild ride? Let's do it. I have my, I have my diamond water. I am ready. The enthusiasm is off the walls. So I don't know why don't we start with um what we've done the past few weeks which is million dollar decorators slash top chefs just sort of get that out of the way because otherwise we're gonna forget about these these poor little

shows um even though top chef is a huge franchise um did everyone watch this week oh yeah i did we're watching all this shit don't you worry i watch it when i eat lunch so i can binge while i watch it i have to be eating while i watch top chef it's like the ultimate rule because like if i don't have food near me and i'm watching top chef it's like i'm gonna drive through to astro burger in the middle of the night and get like five veggie burgers you know i would still do that even if i do eat during top chef so it's a real problem for me i have some issues but um gosh can we let's what happened this week two people got eliminated right oh oh our dear hispanic

looking carla got eliminated right carla is no more she really had high hopes for her bitchery i'm so sad that that's done i know me too Me too. This is, I think, two episodes in a row where the winner of the previous episode was sent home, right? Yeah. A little Japanese girl went home and now Carla. Yeah. It's again where I'm always rooting for the women on this show because this is such a dick-dominated business. And I really hate seeing the women go home but man when you can't cook a pigeon I mean you know if you start out poor the first thing you should learn to cook is pigeons and rats

yeah there's no excuse are you speaking from experience yes okay who's the other guy someone else was eliminated with Carl I can't remember who it was you know who it should be hugh atchison he's too much in a bad way his universe guys don't like him because he rolls his eyes a lot he's an asshole and he's also not on the same level like in the same league as the other top chefs there and i'm like you need to peace out boy know your role i know we're never getting served at his restaurants ever like taylor swift. We are never, ever getting served. Getting back together with his restaurants. This is like exhausting. Talking about Hugh H.

No. Atchison. H. Wait, who was the other person who got eliminated? I can't remember who it was for the life of me. My guess is a random white guy who wasn't going to play a factor. I wish it was CJ who got sent to him. The tall guy.

I never thought he was good the first time around. CJ was never an all-star, people. Hello. Yeah, he was never good. He should have been sent home, I think. I met him, by the way, outside of one of those bars on Abbott Kinney in Venice. Totally sweet.

And then the drunk girl that I was with only wanted to ask him about his one ball. Yeah, well, he's got that snotty voice, you know, like that Connecticut people voice. And he was really good friends with that bunny foo-foo-faced Casey girl with the butt tee. Oh, the one Casey was like, well, I guess I have to have me on because I guess I'm like the hot one or something. Oh, yes. It's so gross.

It's like, you look like a tennis mom. Please be quiet. And she was really super snotty, and she had that Connecticut voice as well. And she made carla beaker carla the one with the muppet face yeah she made her lose because she made her sous vide some stuff in the finale remember that she like bullied yeah she screwed carla over and then that's what um her little best friend lost almost lost doing this week sous vide well you know what and then you know what also casey got really mad at all the people on the internet who like blamed her for carla losing and she's like it wasn't my fault carla had a decision but you know what? And then, you know what? Also, Casey got really mad at all the people on the internet who, like, blamed her for Carla losing.

And she's like, it wasn't my fault. Carla had a decision. But you know what? Here's the truth. Anyone who sous vides anything on Top Chef always is in the bottom or goes home. You're a moron if you even attempt it. Hello, people. Watch the previous seasons.

Don't sous vide anything. Yes. I don't want to eat some piece of meat cooked in a Ziploc bag. That's disgusting. Cook your food yourself. Yeah. Oh, you know what? The other person who went home was the girl who tried to make the salad,

like the famous salad, and she overdressed it. That's what it was. I mean, it is a problem. If you overdress it, I mean, you gotta send it back. Yeah, you gotta send it back. And there was that cool, they had to butcher something for the quick fire. That was fun. That was fun to watch. This show doesn't really get juicy

until they all turn hateful. Well, they are. They've turned against the hateful chef, which he totally deserves it. But, you know, it's not going to be fun until somebody breaks something. The little Oklahoma, like, garden gnome guy hates the guy from Texas. I think we have to root for garden gnome now, right? Like, I mean, that's kind of where my allegiance is at this point. I sort of like the asshole guy, I to say you know i liked i like the

japanese girl and she's gone so really the season's over for me she was she was so like sweet and polite speaking of the end of seasons um are we going to talk about flipping out for a second because that shit got crazy sure yeah i watched i don't watch flipping out really but i did watch the scene with him uh saying goodbye to his cat who he had to put down yeah i mean it was kind of sad hilarious yet sad i have not had a laugh like that i'm not a cat person i'm a dog person um i love ronnie's dog soup's cute um but you know that cat was with Jeff for a long time. Yeah, that was, you know what? Fuck Jeff Lewis. That guy is such a mean, horrible human being. He doesn't do anything for anybody but himself.

And all he does is treat everybody like shit. And everybody thinks it's so funny because he occasionally has a good one-liner. Fuck that guy. Fuck his cat. Let me ask you this. Are you suggesting that the cat committed suicide to get away from Jeff? Because that's viable. Well, I sure wouldn't blame it. The man's horrible. Probably choked on some of his wig hair.

What was the name of the cat again? Does anyone remember? Monkey. Oh, monkey. Okay, so that's a pet peeve of mine, by the way. I have a pet peeve of when people name their pets after other animals like when you see a dog named bear or a cat named monkey it's like that's ridiculous i have a problem with that i also have a problem with moms that name all of their children with the same letter of the alphabet like like you all have a j you all have a j name like i'm kind of over that but imagine if you named your child like giraffe or lion like it just wouldn't make sense. Why would you ever – if you wanted a monkey, buy a monkey.

Don't call your cat a monkey. Your cat's a cat. That's probably why the cat died because it was having an identity crisis. You guys, that was a very proud cat. It was a very proud cat. Very proud cat. Very proud. Now the other thing that was exciting in Animal News was that we got to see Martin Lawrence Ballard.

Was he riding an elephant or just petting an elephant? I think just petting it. He was just petting it, but he wanted to ride it. Oh, what a wonderful elephant. Oh, elephants are so wonderful. What a proud animal. My God, something happened when I did him. voice messed up he's killing me this man is killing me but lawrence ballard get off my throat well so here's the thing so on million dollar

decorators um which should really just be called martin lawrence ballard yes he and and um the other one the the fun one that we all like, whose name I can't remember. They went to India to find... Inja. Inja. Inja to look at cobras on glasses. And there was something so wonderfully perfect about putting Martin Lawrence Ballard in the third world. He was so flabbergasted by everything that went by him.

Which should not come as a surprise because... Well, does because he does shop you know i am obsessed with looking at all of their all of the uh decorators on mdd have um these special tag sales on one king's lane which i'm like totally obsessed with and i was assuming that they would scour the third world for all of these obj dar which is the apostrophe art and then when you see martin lawrence billard like freak out and not be able to handle the third world i've decided that really all of the crap that they're selling on one king's lane is like knock off like sale items from pure one that they're just marking up like five thousand%. I think that he basically got to the airport in Jaipur and found

a bunch of tchotchkes and was like, I like these, let's go. He wanted to get out of there immediately. Inja. Inja. Listen, I could watch him and the other lady. Does anyone remember her name? Am I crazy? Are you talking about Mary MacDonald or are you talking about Catherine Ireland?

Mary MacDonald, I'm sorry. I could watch them in the third world all day long. Oh, I mean, I don't know. I just love that this show got rid of the lame dude from season one. And it's really all about MLB, Double M, and Catherine Ireland. I don't care about Jeffrey Allen Marks and his creepy Abercrombie model from the 90s boyfriend. Well, obviously no one cares about them because they were in the episode they weren't even were they in the episode at all i

don't think they were even in it and and and two weeks ago they were in for just a pod buster so they are clearly on the outs because exactly they need to be booted to the side but you know what's amazing to me about this show is that they make everything so exciting. Maybe I'm just like a sucker for like a tense score, but like, they'll be like, well, we have to move in, we have to move in a stool and I don't know where the stool is. And the music's like,

I'm like, oh my God, what's going to happen? I know they make it seem like it's a dinner party on the Beverly Hills Housewives, which is like in a whole other league. But this is like, nope, you need to just rehang that painting by 4 PM. No, it's,

it's like, that's all it could be. The episodes to me are like, they're directed by Yon DeBont. Like this is like speed for me and not the drug I'm talking about. Like I'm expecting Keanu Reeves to come bursting in with a little Ottoman or something like that. Like I am so nervous by the time the show gets the end.

Yeah. One more reason why it is secretly the jewel and bravo's jewel case it is my favorite show it's a jewel that i found in jaipur when i was there with my lord's blood and mary mcdonald have we just totally lost ronnie at this point there he is he's chuckling backseat on this because it's the only voice that i can kind of do i cannot hang with you guys with the others but for some reason i can kind of get an mlb do do do some do some mlb this might be like my candy impersonation i've been the one that's been saying inja inja inja i have to admit i didn't even know that show was on i didn't watch it and i thought maybe it was canceled already

because it's so boring and horrible oh Oh, I apologize that I didn't know what was happening quite yet. Maybe you should spend less time in Fresh and Easy perusing the seasonal offerings and watch your DVR. All I could think about were chocolates. All I could think about were the Cadbury eggs that were soon going on sale after Christmas.

I can't wait to take the clearance rack in Fresh and Easy for some old chocolate Santa Claus's. So, next week, I saw the preview for next week, and some guy was like, it feels like you're kicking me out. Is that his boyfriend?

I don't know, but from what I could gather, it looks like Martin Lawrence Ballard and his boyfriend live in a treehouse. Am I wrong? No, it definitely, there might be a rope swing. Which, by the way no it definitely there might be a rope swing which by the way marmos ballard on a rope swing is a great image i know i mean it is i mean get ready somewhere in that house oh yes there certainly is um and it costs fifty thousand dollars minimum all right so why don't we move on to the main event of the week which is uh that we had

the season premiere of shahs of sunset and we have a lot to talk about so our our dear our dearest matt actually got to go to the real premiere of it so tell us about it what happened okay so it was at the sls hotel oh no way first before you start this, how dare you not get us invites? We're sitting alone with mustaches on straws like crazy people. Crazy Bravo. Bravo sent us mustaches. Drinking alone. And here you're tweeting. You're like, hi, I just got dissed by MJ. Whatever. We're supposed to be friends. We're the three gay skateers. You're supposed to call us and bring us there. That's enough. to be friends. We're the three gay skateers. You're supposed to call us and bring us there. That's enough.

It was a last minute invitation from a former boss slash co-worker. And so anyway, I found out at the very last minute and I couldn't get a plus one or two because I did ask. So just cool your jets. I'm not upset.

It was terrifying. By the way, I'm not upset. And sidebar, it was terrifying. By the way, I'm not upset because, you know what, before we get into your great story, I'm going to tell you what happened over here. And I'll tell you, Bravo sent us little things to have a Shaz the Sunset premiere party. They sent us straws with mustaches on top. They sent us plastic champagne flutes. They sent us Christmas lights, which we didn't plug in, uh, a little lantern and a votive candle and a book on Persian cooking. And I made two Persian dips and I drank Prosecco alone because no one else out of the four

of us wanted to drink and we watched the show. So to me, I had a fantastic time. Now it goes, now see if you can talk about that. That's a little different than me being at the SLS with two open bars, a Persian techno DJ, um, a ton of like glamorous seats and a big screen screening. Ryan Seacrest, the producer, was there, introduced the show, hobnobbing with all of these Persian ladies in skimpy sequined mini dresses, and then me standing in the corner tweeting and texting. Which, by the way, you could get the same experience minus Ryan Seacrest if you just go to trader joe's and west hollywood and westwood you know no doubt about it definitely westwood definitely westwood but so go on so tell us no i mean it was fun i showed up at the sls

um it felt very glamorous it was a lot of the decor was very it was a persian party and it felt glamorous can you explain that i know i mean that does sound a little crazy but it did feel glamorous because people were super dressed up i was wearing like a black long sleeve t-shirt and gray pants and everybody else was kind of like in BCBG like mini dresses. So I was kind of feeling a little awkward. But when I feel awkward, I hit the open bar, which there were two of. It was awesome. No, but it was cool. Like I got to meet Ryan Seacrest. I got to see a lot of the cast members. The only one. Okay. Yes. Questions.

Feel free to interrupt me. Yes. I want to know how was Ryan Seacrest. And you said that MJ dissed you. I want to know what that story is. I just want to get right to that. Okay. MJ, I asked her for a photo because she was taking some photos with a lot of like clearly homosexual Persians that may have been in the closet and i

was like okay well i can get in on this and i didn't even embarrass her by being like bitch you live across the street from me and ben like we know your ghetto like i didn't even go there right like that could have been my in but i was just like hey will you take a picture and she was like yeah totally not a problem or whatever and then she was looking at everybody's phones when they were taking photos of her because she needed to see how her boobs and her fat rolls were looking they look fat mj spoiler alert why you gotta look at the phone don't you got a mirror at home bitch saying nothing that her mom wouldn't say go on um p.s the mom was there the mom was there and they were not talking at the party were you sure it wasn't doris roberts because they're very easy to confuse

ben i'm not shitting you i'm standing there early romano there was are you sure you wasn't Doris Roberts? Because they're very easy to confuse. Ben, I'm not shitting you. I'm standing there early. Was Ray Romano there? Are you sure you're at the same party? Are you sure you weren't at the Everybody Loves Raymond reunion party? Okay, this is so crazy that you just said that. I'm talking to Kathy and Jimmy. I am drinking my Greyhound, and I'm sitting there, and then this woman walks by, and I'm like,

Why is Doris Roberts here? What the fuck is happening? Anyway, it's MJ's mom. They're all there except for reza because he was taping watch what happens with kim and andy that night i stayed at the party for two hours i watched the show i had some drinks mj was a bitch to me ryan c chris could not have been nicer what did mj do to diss you though so she looked at the picture of herself on your phone no no she was looking at like everybody else's pictures on their phones and going like let's delete that i don't

look so good and i was like bitch you don't look good in any of them. Wait, so that was the diss? No, and then I kept going. No, she was like, hold on, and I'll come back to you. And then I went up and I was like, hey, you said you'd take a photo with me. And she was like, oh, I'm busy right now. And then turned her back and walked away to the bar. Well, they did just open up the fondue at that point, I'm sure.

No, I told you. I mean, I was putting on alert. The pomegranate fondue is now open. Ben, your two Persian dips were the most Persian food that night because at this party, there was a cheese plate and sliders being passed around. Oh, no.

Girlfriend loves a platter of sliders. How Persian is a fucking mini cheeseburger? Well, was it made with lamb and... No, there was no kabob-y, lamb-y shit happening. It was a fucking cheeseburger. was it made with lamb and no there was no kabobby lamby shit happening it was a fucking cheeseburger well visit little armania there's a fat burger and a denny's i mean what do you expect wow well it still sounds like a fun time even it was fun because lily was there and she made a grand entrance well as you did on the show why don't we just get right into the show huh

okay let's do it so uh this was we had the arrival of lily who so here's what you need to know about lily she's got two huge boobs she's got a dog that runs around in circles in a permanent seizure okay pause yes how retarded is that dog um coconut i like to use coconut's name because coconut even though coconut's way in the circles he is proud. He is a proud dog. Do you know how many healthy dogs they kill off in those shelters? I mean, watch any, just Google PETA murder on YouTube and look at all the healthy animals that get thrown into dumpsters. Why do people keep these retarded ass dogs?

I go to the dog park and people are like saving their three-legged pit bull. I'm like, first of all, it's a death trap. It's a death machine. And second of all, it's got three legs. Go get yourself a new dog. There's like 50,000 dead dogs today. Get rid of that retarded dog. I kind of love that dog that runs in circles.

I had drink coming out of my nose. I loved it. I loved this dog that was going around in circles so now lily to me by the way um when we first saw her her hair was sort of like up in this weird sort of like bun type thing her boobs are out and she's wearing these her legs look like they're about eight feet tall she is super tall in real life even without the seven inch uh uh stilettos to me she kind of looked like a cartoon spider you you know? I don't mean that in a bad way. She just looked like – she was like – her limbs were long and she had this big bulbous black thing on top of her head. She sort of looked like a leggy spider, like maybe from a fun life. Nobody gives better confessional fashion than Lily and Asa.

I mean they are going to be duking it out all season long for craziest confessional ensemble. I can't even get into Asa just yet. Okay, we won't even cross that bridge yet but but so but i will say this about lily though so she comes on and you know occasionally she has like a pulp fiction uma thurman bob going on which i thought was very strange but then you know i was sort of waiting to to hate on her real bad me too slash love her but i have to say at at the climax of the episode, it was that everyone got together for a dinner for Asa, which, again, we will get to that. And there was this guy named Omid. Is that his name? Omid.

Omid, who – Wait, is that Omid or Madison Hildebrand? No, Madison. Omid is – Yeah, very good. All my neighbors are like, there's a bird being tortured in the party. We'll get to the dinner party in a second, but the point is this. Omid was rude.

Omid was rude, but Lily redeemed herself. I think all of us thought that she was going to be awful and terrible and she was going to fight with Gigi the entire season, which is probably going to happen. But the point is this. Lily is secretly amazing. Lily, you know what? Lily, because Omid said, made a comment that suggested that he would beat up the woman. And Lily, and again, we'll get to Omid more. But Lily really, you know, stepped up to him and was like, you were not allowed to say that.

Like, you should be ashamed. You know, she was really good. She can actually string a sentence together with like proper words and she stood up for herself in a way that i thought was impressive i was actually impressed by her for now um i was also i also liked how gg when she first saw lily she was like oh i like a girl with style whatever or something like that uh and then we all at our at this very exclusive viewing party we're all like yeah you'll like her until you realize that everyone else likes her more than you. Until you realize that you've got

mosquito bites on your chest, you fucking rage head, cross-eyed idiot. And she has munchkin head. Do you guys think that she does have munchkin face? She has like under the rainbow face. You guys, another thing that I love is that MJ

instantly hated her because she was hot. I mean, I love bitter, fat people because I am that way. And I live in West Hollywood where everybody's gorgeous. So I'm giving people that look all day while I shove sliders down my face. So it was really nice to see that coming from MJ. It was comforting. It was. So, hey, so can we talk now?

Let's talk about who this Omid character is. Wait, wait, wait. Can we just go through quickly? First of all, does anybody miss Sammy? I don't. But he was at the party. Oh, yeah. And?

I have a feeling that he's going to be bumped into, like, friend of the way Camille Grammer is. That's just my two cents. I'm sure. I mean, how could you not bump into him? Well, she's got to have sex with somebody. Oh, that's true. Camille or MJ? Okay, before we get to the dinner party, let's just talk about then Mike.

Mike is boring and probably should not be on the cast. Discuss. Okay, Mike, who gets mad at Omid at this party, he's like, hey, this is a classy restaurant. Cut to Mike wearing a t-shirt, okay? Yeah, cut to Mike then also kind of getting aggressive with lily when lily's like i'm supposed to defend myself and then he's like don't you get loud and it's like you're the one now screaming in the restaurant on burton way cut to mike claiming that he's grown up and um he hasn't cut to cut to mike talking to some dude in County going, this guy lives the dream and the guy has like a cross-eyed, big-titted wife and they live in like a nasty fake McMansion in Orange County.

I would rather kill myself. Cut to Mike being in a store buying a tacky zebra and putting it in like white mesh to bring down to Orange County. Just the idea of him having to pick that thing out is hilarious enough for me. Cut to Mike talking to his mom on the phone because that's the only woman in his life that will ever put up with his bullshit. I can't cut to Mike anymore because there's nothing left to cut to. Okay, then let's cut to Asa. Cut to Mike at Shabbat dinner.

Cut to Mike on Yom Kippur. Mike is done. And you know what? Like last season, I thought he was sort of attractive. But whatever that was has, has sort of gone. Now he just looks more trollish than ever before. He does.

He looks like a bridge troll and he's got so many pairs. He's got so many pairs of fake Ash Chanel sunglasses that I just can't respect the guy. He's also looking more and more blocky. Like he's fully turning into a building block, you know? Yeah. There is such a thing as working out your face muscles too much there is and by the way i feel bad for any girl has to make out with him because he looks like he has stubble that is like could scour a cast iron

skillet it looks like he looks like he has beef breath but not dairy breath at the same time no never never or like we're on the atkins diet and all you eat is beef and dairy and then you get that dead, that dead breath. Yeah. And your tongue turns yellow. It's not cute. Been there.

I, I don't know about this. Lies. I listen, I had a bagel today. What can I say? Yeah. I missed that.

I had some carbs. Um, you know what I miss working out? Um, but that won't be happening anytime soon. Wait, so then we all need to talk. We need to talk about awesome. I've had some carbs. You know what I miss? Working out. But that won't be happening anytime soon. We need to talk about Asa. How does Asa have money to own that mansion in Venice?

Asa has done a complete turnabout. Last season, Asa's whole thing was she hates material things. She doesn't understand why people care about money so much. She's just in her hovel making stupid songs, drinking water with diamonds in it. And now, season two, we have Asa who has a mansion and buries $30,000 of gold coins in her steps. Oh, you don't do that?

You don't do that in your, like, foyer? Well, I bury Hanukkah money. So it looks like gold, but it's not. I looks like gold i tell people don't tell me that because i'm gonna come eat it off the floor oh um and then she also demands to be flown business class to new york for fashion week for some ridiculous thing actually it's a normal thing and she's ridiculous for asking to go business class as if she's freaking lady gaga well i'm also like michael costello the guy who never won project runway can afford 15 000 to fly asa to new york to a fashion show no one's gonna look at

yeah and to music that's gonna send them out of the building exactly like ramona singer wouldn't even sit through that fashion show and she sits through everything um the other thing with asa is so she's also become like a totally obnoxious person now, too. What are you talking about? Bite your tongue, bitch. No, she is awful. She became awful. Something happened to her. Something, it's when people are broke ass artists and they're weirdos

and they dress in nanny costumes, it's like, okay, at least they're poor. But when they're snobby and they're acting like they're too above everything and she's disgust that girl i can't even form a sentence right now like i don't know i just i guess i like her i feel like i relate to her she you know she has turned the corner when she i mean the whole so the whole reason why they had this dinner party was because she's like hey

everyone i want everyone here because i want to announce that i'm being flown to new york to sing at fashion week it was such an obnoxious thing, you know? I mean, she might as well just have a success party at this point. Yeah. I'm surprised Kenny didn't show up and snatch the mic. Well, you guys, can you believe that Chunk from Project Runway actually has a job

in a store? What's that about? And who's that girl who's obviously funding him who's like, I don't know if we have the budget for that. I don't know you. I don't know what you do. Who the hell are you? She's someone who actually has a brain. She is someone who has ears and eyes and can listen to awesome music and be like, hell no, we're not paying you $15,000. We're paying you $1,500 max.

And that's for your band. You could take the Greyhound. Yeah, exactly. Like anyone wants to hear like some rhythmic drumming on a tabla or something. It is just strange to me though that that house in Venice is at least worth $2.5 million. Yet she claims she only has $500 in her bank account. It's like, I love you, but I'm not going to cry for you. I'm sorry.

Yeah, it's called dig out one of the gold coins that you've got hidden under there. Don't you think now she probably has like a thousand homeless people like scratching at her front stoop right now. What a dumb. That's the best. She goes, don't tell anyone, but I've got $30,000 of gold down here.

Don't tell anyone. Okay. Except the entire country. Whatever. You know that she's just got those little Easter coins, those little chocolate things covered in gold tin. I don't believe that for a second. And they're probably already gone.

MJ already probably sniffed him out. Like a truffle. She's like a truffle snorting pig gosh i don't mean that she's like a pig but no you should because she dissed me so she is a trouble snorting pig yeah you're thin so you're not really allowed to make statements like that i on the other hand i'm allowed to call a bitch fat so if you need them just text it over to me and i'll make a truffle snorting pig joke. So can we talk about MJ and her mom? Yes. Did you guys see the picture that I posted on our Facebook page? Oh yeah, that was great.

That is the quote of the year. All you do is drink wine and cry, which is true. I mean she's just calling it as she sees it. That's just what Doris Roberts does. I love how Doris Roberts then started to get angry at her sister-in-law which is mj's aunt and like threw a fit at the dinner table and peaced out but as ronnie noticed at

the party she peaced out with her plate of food like mother like daughter with her food she's like i'm gonna be sitting on the pot with my food don't fuck with me to be fair though i mean obviously she's like the worst mother in the world but that was a perfectly nice dinner but mj was the one who made this a totally awkward thing she was like wow like you guys all have moms that support you my mom doesn't say anything but then it was funny that everyone was telling the mom like that you're like a terrible a terrible terrible mother yeah but she mj totally deserves it you know she's a fucking brat look what she does at a family dinner like who does that at dinner it's true why you know if you have problems with your mom do it in privately but don't make your whole family turn against her

you know jesus christ woman was anybody else hoping that mj's dogs were going to eat the mom's bird in the back of the white mercedes i don't know but you know what i'm going to do i'm going to like i'm going to like take a sledgehammer to every white Mercedes I see just to make MJ's mom drive all over the city back and forth to her apartment to make sure everything's okay. By the way, the valet at the party that I was at, I was the only car that was not a white Mercedes.

FYI. Oh my god, MJ's mom must have been so confused. It's like the Atlanta ladies and their white Range Rovers. Like, okay like that play that range rover of atlanta has leased out so many damn white white range over his rentals so then we also had uh reza so reza reza's whole thing this this episode was that he kept on saying he was obsessed with everything he's like oh my god i am obsessed with lily oh my god, I am obsessed with Lily. Oh my god, I am obsessed with Asa.

Lily's a Persian? Lily's a Persian Barbie. I'm obsessed with her. She's Persian. Oh, you know what Persian is? Persian is when you're late to things. Persian is when you can't breathe and the sun comes up. Persian is when you're hairy. Just because you talk really loud doesn't make it a joke at all. I know. It's like, white people love to drive cars that aren't white Mercedes, but Persians it a joke I know it's like white people

love to drive cars that aren't white Mercedes but Persians are like I gotta have me a white Mercedes that's so Persian that's so Persian I went to the refrigerator and I like I opened up the refrigerator and I was like oh my god this is so Persian Persians are like open the refrigerator and white people are like

don't open the refrigerator oh my god Persian everything in here is gold white people don't, don't open the refrigerator. Oh my god. Persian, everything in here is gold. White people don't have gold in their refrigerators. This is so Persian. I'm like, this rug, it's so long. It's like a Persian rug.

I'm like, where's the milk in the refrigerator? I can't believe I drank all the milk. Like, that is so Persian of me. White people always leave a little milk until it spoils. Not a Persian. We'll drink the whole thing. Persian people are like, I am going to drink all that milk. Oh my God, I can't believe you're trying to change the subject, Matt. That is like so white person.

This is so white people. Persians let each other talk until they're finished. Oh my God, all I was going to say is that he actually is now dating a white person. And to make it even worse, it's a ginger. Oh my God, I'm obsessed with gingers. That's so Persian. People don't like gingers. They make fun of them in England, but guess who

loves them? Persians! I'm like, give me that gingerbread cookie right now, but make sure it has some pomegranates in it so it's Persian. I want to do him in the asshole. I hate his language. I think he's so crass and embarrassing to gay people i really don't like that guy what about what lily was saying lily was saying some like wildly inappropriate stuff i thought like when uh she was like oh i have

somebody to set you up with i was just like just because you know one other gay person doesn't mean that he should date reza she's like he is, he is versatile. I'm like, that's very clinical. He's the bottom, so I know he'll be good for you. It's like, that is so gross. Both of you, shut up. I don't want to look at you. And also, while we're talking about Reza, I would like to say, because I never watch his show, of course I'm the one who's always bringing it up

actually, now that I think about it, but I was watching Watch What Crappens because that dum-dum was on there. Watch What Happens. Watch What Crappens is the best show. Oh yeah. I was watching Watch What Crappens because that dum-dum was on there. Watch What Happens. Watch What Crappens is the best show. Oh, yeah. I was watching Watch What Happens because Kim Zolciak was on there after her horrendous ass night on Atlanta, which we'll talk about later. Yeah.

But I wanted to see her. And RZA was on there. And he was such a rude piece of shit he was so rude to the bartender and i guess because he didn't know she was annoying she was annoying she's like an actual uh b-list or c-lister and you're being generous actual bartender ronnie she's she's g-list honey i'm sorry it doesn't matter he was so fucking rude like i don't appreciate people being rude to service people i am in the service industry and i demand respect for fake bartenders he was really rude she's on the new normal and he's like oh how's that doing and him and kim started cracking up they were laughing it's doing like 10 times what your

okay you need to be quiet because let me tell you a few things that you are wrong about. Number one, they were making fun of the new normal because Nene is on the show and the ratings are starting to sag. And that's why they were laughing about the show. Andy said that she's on the new normal. She said yes, and

he's like, oh, how's that doing? It's fucking rude. I don't figure. You know, she's there trying to make a damn living. She's in her 40s. She's still not rich. how's that doing? It's fucking rude. I don't care. You know, she's there trying to make a damn living. She's in her 40s. She's still not rich. She's bartending for Andy Cohen. Oh, my God. Why do we care about this woman, really?

I don't know. I don't know. Apparently, she's Ronnie's bestie. I would like to talk about something else that's gay and rude. I can tell you that much. I want to talk about Omid now. Can we talk about Omid? No, we can't talk about Omid yet.

Why not? Because I have one I want to talk about Omid now. Can we talk about Omid? No, we can't talk about Omid yet. Why not? Because I have one other thing to say about MJ. Okay, say something about MJ. Did you guys catch the part where Reza is sitting down and they're going over her Match.com profile that they're setting up for her, and he's going through a list of people she can and cannot date, and he's like, white guys, blonde guys, gingers.

He gets to Asians, and she goes, oh, hell no. Well, because she's afraid she might crush them. Because an Asian can't get his penis through one of her armpit folds, let alone her giant china flap. Oh my God. Wow. Okay. Now

we can talk about Omid. I am furious about the bartender. This is what you did. That's what you get for the rest furious about the bartender. This is what you did. Let's get for the rest of the podcast, jerk. Ronnie is fired up. Ronnie's bitter that he didn't get invited to the Shah's party that he did not miss anything at. I'm not bitter. I got to eat some delicious dip with Ben. I made some great dips.

Wait, no. I have to talk about this guy, Omid. So he comes on and I'm like, oh like oh wow they got another gay guy for the show like me too truly like what i thought and then like she's like oh yeah like omid's so funny and i'm like oh i was like that's fun she has a gay now and then somewhere like midway through the show i started to get the sneaking suspicion that she was actually supposed to be interested in omid and then it actually came to fruition like like he's supposed to be like a romantic foil to mike in some way can we agree that this guy's like crazy gay crazy gay that

guy is scarier than a dick and a butt um i also thought by the time they were drunk and being horrifying at the dinner party i've decided that gg and Omid are the Rihanna and Chris Brown of reality TV. Yeah, except they'll never have sex. That being said, I actually thought Omid was really hot. I think he's super hot, and I think that he probably has sex with girls by sticking his nose up their vagina, because his nose

is clearly bigger than his penis. Oh, wait. Now that brings us back to Asa, also known as Asshole, who is like, I just want to like congratulate you on not getting a nose job i love your big nose you know since this guy's gay he probably was horrified and spent the next three weeks like in a burka himself oh yeah you know i'm going to crunch trying to figure out how to nail file that shit down at home yeah you know that like asa gave him a major disorder about his face after that

well i think that also look i think that she was being a rude bitch but first of all she learned from the best i mean everyone tortured her all last year everywhere she showed up they made fun of her clothes they made fun of her hair they made fun of her terrible music all justified don't get me wrong she's coming out swinging now yeah yeah she knows that she's gonna keep around these people she's gonna have to be shallow. She's going to have to pretend she has more money than she does. She's just going to have to be as hideous a human being as possible. And she's doing it.

Yeah. I thought it was funny when she said, I cheers to you for not getting a nose job. No, it's funny, but awful. Like, she's like, wow, only an awful human being would say that to someone. Lebanese people, like, if we see each other, we'll make fun of each other's noses and body hair because we've got that in common. It's like the Jews make cheap jokes at each other. Right, Ben? Not really, actually.

Just kidding. We do. Yay. Horrible. Humanity is truly horrible, everybody. Gosh, you know, all of us people from the Levant, it's just bad news. Bad news. This is why we can't have peace in the least.

Too many barbs. Too many jokes about big noses over dinner. Can I tell you guys who the star of the episode was? Yes, please. Gigi's sister who regulated her dumb ass. Oh my god, that was amazing. Gigi's sister who secretly looks dumb ass? Oh my god, that was amazing. Gigi's sister who secretly looks like MJ? What is that about? Like, every time

she comes on the screen, I'm like, MJ? What's going on? Oh, wait, it's Gigi's sister. It's because you're thin now, so all the fat people look the same. They're all just blobs. They're all just blobs. I don't know. I think that she's gonna be a real drag on Gigi's extensions, which is clearly a brand that's meant to go huge. Global. Global on gg's extensions which is clearly a brand that's meant to go huge global

global gg's extensions get them now to make your hair look like the most glamorous munchkin in all of oz oh i love that gg was so confused about the fact that she had to work at a job the sister's like you haven't done anything she's like well but what do you mean like what am i supposed to do you said that i'm supposed to publicize stuff and she's like yeah and you haven't publicized anything but i don't i don't understand what do you mean what am i supposed to do publicize things but what no the sister got to after that went back and forth a thousand times and gg could not comprehend it the sister well, at least you could read the goddamn contract. And Gigi's like,

well... I don't read. I don't really read. That's my thing. Didn't Gigi threaten to cut her in the belly or some shit? Yeah. With a knife. She's nine months pregnant. That's what I say to pregnant women. She was saying this entire thing while wearing some floppy-ass

piece of fabric that was sort of draped around her like some tunic gone terribly wrong. I was laughing that she was doing her best to stay so calm this whole episode. And her sister was just pushing and pushing and pushing. She was just trying to embarrass her as badly as she could. Success. Success. She doesn't even have to push that hard for Gigi to embarrass herself. Gigi, by the way,

was supposed to tweet at us since we had our little Shaz the Sunset viewing party and she didn't. Slut! Slut whore. Yeah. You're sleeping with a gay man.

Your little raging midget face. You're no Rihanna. I'm trying to get a cast member on the show to talk with us. So let's keep one of them safe. You know what? The only cast member I would ever even want to talk to on that show is Sammy. Because you

know that he is bitter enough to tell us stuff after getting fired. The rest of them, what's MJ going to say? She's going to get on here and cry about her mom. Reza's going to be sweating all over our microphones. Oh, you guys, did you see that sweat of Reza's

when he met Lily? He was sweating out his butt. That was disgusting. It's so Persian! Like, white people sweat in their armpits, but Persians sweat in their ass. And then I sweat in my back through my blazer, so, you know, I sweat a lot. So Persian.

Persians would wear linen when they know they're gonna sweat out their butt! Well, anyway, I think Persians would wear linen when they know they're going to sweat out their butts. Well, anyway, I think we should move on that note, on the note of back sweat, because I'm starting to feel some back sweat. I'm starting to feel like he's turning into Fred Schneider. Rusty!

Persian people always have rusty roofs. On that note, why don't we move on to the real housewives what Matt because it was briefly mentioned for a second watch what happens before we move to the housewives I just have two comments because our listeners right now will know what I'm talking about if they

watched watch what happens live number one Andy Cohen's new haircut is horrifying you're in your 40s, dude. What are you doing? I think it looks kind of cute, I have to say. I think it looks cute. It makes him look extra cross-eyed.

First of all, that haircut is like kids have stopped getting that haircut. I mean, come on, stop it. And second of all, he's obviously just had plugs. You can see plugs fuzz on his face. Thank you. You need to give that shit a year. And by the way, right now I'm looking at a picture of Burt Reynolds. Don't even ask why. But he needs

to let that shit grow back in for a year and at least try to look natural. Don't get plugs and then claw your bangs. What the fuck is wrong with him? That guy needs better friends. That's true. We are smart enough to realize that his hair was like a centimeter tall and now all of a sudden it has like five inches.

It's four feet tall. It's just – maybe he got some GG extensions. Okay, second bullet point from Watch What Happens Live. Did you see when he, Andy Cohen, dissed Sharae, who is no longer a cast member? They were making a joke and then he was like, oh, is that going to be in the Sharae house? What was it called? Chateau Sharae. called chateau charrette did you see that diss i completely missed it yeah that was really bad well we have to talk about that watch what happens live because kim zolciak is such a horrible fucking human being and it's just not said enough and she comes on this show and not

only is she still horrible and lying out her ass like usual, they're calling on... I mean, she was basically called on her lies. He even did a segment about all of her lies. And she still continued to lie. And then Reza made a joke saying, well, if you were married to her husband, would you want to hang out with anybody? I'd stay home all the time!

And then he made that joke again later, like, forgetting that he had already made that joke. And then Kim later, way again later, like forgetting that he had already made that joke. And then Kim later, way later in the episode goes, someone said, Kim, why don't you want to hang out with the girls? And she's like, would you want to hang out with the girls if you had my husband at home? It's like, Jesus Christ, this woman can't even come up with a sentence. Get rid of her. Well, you know, I was actually surprised, you know, because we had talked about this on this podcast about how Kim was leaving the real house of Atlanta and the rumors that she was walking out.

I didn't realize that last night's episode was the Kim finale. I just thought it was a fight. I had no idea. Next week is the Kim finale, technically. Oh, yeah. But either way, I didn't know that that was what it was truly leading to. But I say good riddance. She's such a stupid bitch.

No. Well, I'm sorry to break it to you, but she's coming back. She's getting another season of Don't Be Tardy for the Wedding. It's getting a different title. But she still drives ratings. And clearly there is not bad blood between her and Andy. They are still buddies and she is still a Bravo star. She's disgusting. But she's not fun.

We talk about this every single time. She's not fun the way she used to be. Because it used to be that she would say all these dumb things all the time and it would just be kind of funny but now she's sort of like she says the dumb things and she's sort of like she has this whole attitude like i'm just over everything i'm such right she's only fun like most people are pleasant to watch she's only fun like most people are when they're smoking cigarettes and drinking yeah exactly like or misspelling cat kat you know stuff like that like but now she just acts like she is a superstar and she's not but you know what i take solace in knowing

if you do a google search for kim zolciak google brings up the first picture that google puts on like it's a little sidebar they're like sort of like fake wikipedia is like a crazy old picture of her from before all the plastic surgery and all the fillers with a bad wig. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. So while we're on Kim, did you guys see the gossip that was posted on our Facebook today by God dammit? I forgot. I need to get that, that open so I can not be a dick,

but, um, it was all about Kim Zolciak's husband. One of the, one of the girls is, uh, dads who is in jail for molesting. A 15 year old is being let out,

um, on like Christmas Day or something. Oh my god. I hope they're filming that for Kim season two. That'll be great. Oh yeah. She's going to be so terrified y'all. But then the comments on this article were really funny too because someone said oh wait that's

he's not the father of both the kids. He's just father of one of the kids. This is a bullshit article. But didn't Kim get impregnated by an old police officer? Which I didn't know that. I didn't know that she got impregnated by a much older police officer.

The only person who has not impregnated Kim is Omid. Everyone else has. So it's like nothing shocks me at this point. I hadn't heard that about a police officer. Yeah, that one of her kids was a police officer. One of her kids was fathered by a police officer and one of them was fathered by a child molester.

It's like she's got the criminal and the police involved. Next is right in the middle, the mailman. There's no doubt that both of her daughters are going to be removed immediately, and it's just going to be her, Croy, Cash, and whatever the other K baby is. Calamari. Calamari with a K.

I love her. Kilimanjaro. Kilimanjari. Oh, it's Croy Jr. Never mind. Anyway, those girls are doomed. They should just move out now. They should ask Bravo for a spinoff now. Yeah. So anyway, why don't we just go into Real Housewives of Atlanta since we're already talking. Yeah, do it. Do it up. Do it up. So this week's episode, the big thing was there was a fight because everyone had changed their plans around so that we could go to Anguilla because Cynthia wanted to do a couple's thing or something. And then all the women convened at this restaurant, even Nini, to accommodate Kim.

And then Kim was like, yeah, I can't do it with those dates after all. And they all got mad at her. And then they were like, well, Kim, why don't you want to go? And she's like, I can't fly. I can't travel. Well, I'm 37 weeks pregnant because I'm nine months pregnant, and I've got four weeks left to have a baby. It's like, what't fly i can't i can't travel and then she's like well i'm 37 weeks pregnant you know because i'm nine months pregnant and i've got four weeks left to have it's like what what are you talking about by the way so she first she says that she's eight months pregnant but then she said she's doing eight weeks so that was interesting well like phaedra ever had like

good math skills with regards to her baby the point yeah the thing is she's hired to do a job which is to hang out with these bitches and nene's on a sitcom and she's still showing up. It's like Sam can't even be bothered. She only wants to do her own show and her own scenes and blah, blah, blah, not interact with anybody. She's pulling a diva. I will say this. I understand that that is her job. You are supposed to show up.

You are supposed to go on these trips because you want everybody there to fight. As a viewer, I want to see everybody fighting on vacations and at dinner parties that is all i want from the housewives however if i were kim would i want to get on a plane and go anywhere with those women no did you see the shit show that africa became last year my god i would have gone insane well you're a housewife like that's what you do well i also liked how what they were all like i remember how much fun we had in africa i'm like what since when since when did you know why it was fun it was fun because marlo was there and i am missing marlo this year i'm not missing marlo i'm not missing her fuck off marlo supposed to come on our podcast show up an hour late

yeah no i'm much happier with the addition of pia. Portia, who, you know, she's working real hard on her charity for like 265 days a year. We don't only feed people on Thanksgiving, okay, you guys? We feed the people whenever they're hungry. And they're hungry every day, like 200 times a year. It's not easy, you guys. And I want to eat two yams today. One for each of my uteruses. That way I can get twins. Yes, because if you eat a yam, you get half a twin.

And if you eat two yams, you get a full set of twins. But both vaginas have to be working for it to work out. Yeah, we got some good yams for my vagina to work better because I want twins. Because I had twins in my family one time. And you got twins. And you know our twins are going to come out looking like your daddy. Well, baby, my brother's got twins and my aunt's got twins. So we're genetically, we have the twins genes.

No, he would never be able to say genetically ever. That's way too big a word. He's like, baby, my aunt had a twin once. So you know we got that covered. We'll have twins. Oh, we got twins in the family. And the thing is that when I have yams, sometimes I see double,

which I think means that the twins are on the way. I love when she's like, Doctor, could you tell me, I got one question. What would make it easier to have twins? Could you just split it in half? Is that how you do it so what was her thing she she um what was her thing with the fucking twins it was yams because that will make her more pregnant fertile fertile fertile what was the other thing what was the other thing it was

it was yams and something something in like africa i don't know i think it was i think it was just yams and then she was like she really felt that because there were some twins in her family and like and cordell had some twins that therefore you know it's a good shot that she would have twins too well baby one bad apple can't spoil the whole pot uh why do you have an apple in the pot aren't apples supposed to be in pie? You guys, she is so horrific. Like, I can't. I love her. I cannot wrap my brain around it.

She is so, she's the worst of all time. Yeah, every time she comes on screen, I say, You're just a big old heifer. Like that girl, squeak and color purple. I love her. I think she's a wonderful idiot. As opposed to like kenya who's just like a crazy bitch flirting with apollo and you know that was funny when they all

went when she and phedra and walter and apollo went go-karting and it only took about five seconds for poor walter to be discarded in the sidelines like everyone's like where's phedra's like where is that walter where did he go where where is he? Walter's, like, left in, like, holding balloons and something. Like, goodbye, Walter. We're never seeing you. You run into a truck pump company, okay? Well, how embarrassing was that? I mean, Kenya's, like, basically humping Apollo's leg right in front of Walter.

And, by the way, Apollo was loving it. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, he liked it. Yeah, that's not going to end well. I mean, has anybody even Googled to see if Phaedra is still with Apollo? Because that doesn't look like it's going to end so great. No, no, no.

Phaedra will, the claws will come out, and Phaedra will send Kenya packing. Phaedra is goody misty shoes. Phaedra doesn't have claws. Oh, no. They will come out. I guarantee Phaedra has been very, very sweet and fun lately. You know, walking around, going to stores with candy, with Kegel balls up her vagina. But Phaedra has been very, very sweet and fun lately. You know, walking around, going to stores with candy with Kegel balls up her vagina,

but Phaedra will become a bitch. Oh, yeah. Don't you worry. Well, I hope that she just stays the same kind of bitch she is now, because I think she's my favorite kind of bitch. She is. I love her. She and Candy together are the funniest thing ever. And you know what?

What a perfect... Speaking of Phaedra, what a perfect way to handle crazy bitch Cynthia, who nobody respects or likes. Nor should they. Nor should they, including us. But, you know, Phaedra could have been like, you know what? You're just a big old heifer. Nobody likes you. You can't model with an ass like that and your husband's a drunk and just been done with it but she didn't she brought flowers and she was like listen i said some stuff i was just frustrated i had a shitty day giant crocuses by the way you know yeah

cheap from the grocery willie watkins they were like doves were waiting to come flying out of that thing but but she's smart enough to know that she can give cynthia a big thing of flowers called croak and cynthia will never be the wiser you know i love phaedra i love her by the way one thing i was really happy about so um as an extension to the shazza sunset party uh ronnie and i also watched real housewives of atlanta together and when candy came on uh i tried to do the candy voice and failed but i'm also happy to report that ronnie failed too so it's not just me it's that she has the hardest voice you're working on it you're working on it so she sort of sounds

it sort of sounds like this but you know i can't be talking about this girl you guys guys, it is still Bill Cosby meets Kermit the Frog, and it is so offensive. Candy's got kegel balls up her vagina right now. I got my friend there. I got my friend there. See, I'm just sick of Candy. I mean, I know that Candy is dirty. I mean, I get it.

She has a sex show. She loves talking about sex, sex. But to me, she's so nice and innocent. And it just makes me so uncomfortable when she talks about sex. I don't like it. I just like the idea that she probably sounds like Jingle Bells when she walks around. Yeah, what if they're like the cheap brands so she can sell them and make a bigger profit? And they're just those little things from

Chinatown with a little dink balls in it. Yeah, it's like those little like cat toys have a little bell inside the plastic That's what she sounds like My god, I got my I got my I got my my oh my god i got i got my i got my i got my my someone find mama joss i got my cargo balls and the funny thing is she's a singer just imagine what that album sounds like it's like muppets take manhattan the soundtrack well i love in the opening credits when they like show her voice it's like candy bars and you just for like one second you go you know except in her nice voice not my strange punch to the face now you're you're getting there you're getting there give it a few more weeks i'm telling you i'm like i've actually literally sat listen to her say something and tried to mimic it exactly i just cannot make my voice do it

um let's see let's see what is what else happened in the episode is there anything else or should we very too exciting or should we go on to uh i think atlanta sucks i'm sorry well did well i guess we did talk about kim what else happened on atlanta really all just attacked her kim sat on a box the box broke no big surprise she ate some pizza no big surprise she talked about chick-fil-a no big surprise she talked about getting kicked out of her house no big surprise moved into the old house then she complained that there's stuff everywhere and she acted as if she had like some busy like charity function that was going to happen at her house but of course no um sweetie almost jumped in front of a moving bus sweetie's bangs got lower and chunkier and looked worse worse than ever before um ariana did not get thrown into a pool for once

riel riel had a few moments of like like wise she had of course real smarter than her mom so she said some smart things but that's basically it nini acted like a diva bitch uh nini said some funny nini said some funny things but generally there was nothing going on there's no i love nini nini's so funny to me this year. Well, that brings me back to Watch What Happens Live, because Andy asked Kim if she watched the hairdresser special with Lawrence and What's-His-Buns, and she was all offended that they were being mean to her.

And, you know, Kim is just so offended by everyone sliding her and suggesting that she stole her baby name. And Persian Butt was like, hey, but what about the gays in Atlanta? They're not like Persian gays. They wear high heels. And this guy was wearing, like, Glenda the Good Witch striped

Gautier shoes or some shit. What the hell? Okay, that's enough of Reza, but Reza, just shut up. Stop it. Here's the thing. One of these days, well, no, this probably won't happen. I was going to say, Kim will realize one of these days that she's got, like, a gag order against her mom, against her parents. She's pushed away all these people. She's moved away from everything. Maybe she might realize that she's the problem, not all these other people.

But I don't know. No, no. Sociopaths don't generally do that. Now, here's the thing. I want to move on to another Real Housewives show. And you would think Beverly Hills would be next. But I really would like to speak about Miami because there were too many amazing accents going on in the last episode. With all the moms in town from all the boats they came off of. My head nearly exploded.

It was like Fleet Week in Miami. It was like I've never seen so many amazing, wonderful accents on a Real Housewives episode. We had Russian. We had French. We had French. We had Polish. Cuban. Cuban. It was like – it was the best.

I mean I will cut right to it. These parents that all came in for like this Seder at Lenny's, when they all started talking politics, when Lenny's mom started – I don't know about Obama. I don't like what he stands for Obama. You should only have to share if you want to share. You only share what you want to share. That is how it works. That is how it goes.

And then Elsa's like, he's an animal. He's an animal. And then Karen's mom is like, I hate Obama. I hate him so much. I hate Obama. I hate him so much. I hate him. And Thomas is like, sit down, shut up, all you aspects. And then Joanna's mom is like, I do not like to talk about politics. This is very uncomfortable.

Let us only talk about positive things. No, we talk about politics. We talk about Obama. Oh, look at your house. Let me look at this house here. Oh, did you clean it? Oh, is this closet locked? Oh, what kind of food? Nothing in the refrigerator? I hate cedars so much. Where is the vanilla ice cream for your father? Oh my God.

I hate her. Oh my God. Slash love her. There were so many amazing things. All those parents. I mean, I swear to God, the old people are the best part about Bravo. I think I wrote this. You did.

You talk about it constantly and it's really true. But like the parents on this episode of miami stole the fucking show listen bravo is trying to skew younger by doing these these shows with like like star up silicon valley and everything don't they realize don't they realize who gay people love they love the golden girls okay that's what should be on here old people i used to be afraid of death and now i'm actually excited to die because i want to meet Bea Arthur so bad. That'd be great. I got to meet Rue McClanahan once, and that was a joy for me. Bea Arthur and I share the same birthday.

Sidebar. You know whose birthday I share today? Tyra Banks. Tyra Banks, Jay-Z, Marissa Tomei, and Wink Martindale. From Wondery, this is Black History For Real. I'm Francesca Ramsey and I'm Conscious Lee what do most people think about when they hear the words Black History Rosa Parks Reconstruction MLK February Black History Month exactly exactly there are so many stories of Black History that we just are not really talking about or thinking about, especially outside of February.

And we are about to flip the script on all of that. Because on this show, you're going to hear a little less. In August 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. And a little bit more. She is a heroine to some as a fighter for Black rights. She is a villain to others. Follow Black History for Real on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen everywhere on February 5th, or you can listen early and ad-free on Wondery Plus starting January 29th.

Join Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Black is beautiful. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, played by HBO's Industries' Myhala Herald, a brilliant scholarship student who has to quickly adapt to her newfound eat-or-be-eaten world. Ava's ambitions take hold and her small-town values break in hopes of becoming the first scholarship student to make The List, Bishop Gray's all-coveted academic top ten,

curated by the headmaster himself. But after realizing she has no chance at The List on her own, Bishop Grey's all-coveted academic top 10, curated by the headmaster himself. But after realizing she has no chance at the list on her own, she reluctantly accepts an invitation to a secret underground society that pulls the strings on campus life and academic success. If she bends to their will, she'll have everything she's ever dreamed of. But at what cost? Academy takes you into the world of a cutthroat private school where power, money, and sex collide in a game of life and death.

Follow Academy on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Academy early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus. Wow. I have Leonard Bernstein, so mine outclasses all of yours put together. I think I have Jeff Bridges, too. And I think there's someone really bizarre on my birthday. By the way, my mom shares a birthday, I think, with Sharon Stone and Osama bin Laden. I think I have Abraham Lincoln and Bea Arthur. Oh, well, that's very regal. That's very regal. I'm looking up December 4th now in the background. So I'm trying to think what else happened in Miami. I mean, it wasn't a very active episode. There wasn't a lot that happened.

It was just a lot of funny accents going on. Well, Lisa, you know, one thing that kind of cracks me up is that Lisa's so confused as to why she can't have a baby, but she's like a toxic dump site. I mean, there's not one part of her that's natural. Like, that girl would never pass an organic test. She looks like a bouncy house that's like running out of air. I'm starting to feel really bad for her, though, because, I mean, everything now

is about like, yeah, I think my marriage is going to fall apart if I can't pop a baby out. And I'm like, I feel like that probably does happen. I'm sorry to get dark, but I feel like that probably happens in real life. And I'm just like, ugh, Lenny is disgusting. Yeah, but if you just that probably happens in real life. And I'm just like, oh, Lenny is disgusting. Yeah, but if you just marry some old rich guy because he's rich and he's only marrying you because you're fucking hot and he can like put big old triple F's inside of you.

That's not really a relationship that's based on. That should last. Okay. Yeah, exactly. Very good point. I don't need to see those two at a PTA meeting. How about she eats something so her so her freaking uterus can come out of being a dried state and can come back to life i mean she's like rail thin that's probably why she can't have a baby that's a good i think she's i think she probably just caught something

off the pole you know i had a friend who used to tell me when i lived in new york he used to tell me that germs die on the metal when you're holding the subway, you know, the subway thing, whatever. You know what I'm saying. Like when you're standing on the subway holding the bar. And I'm like, that's disgusting. It's winter and everybody's sick and I'm going to get sick. And she's like, no, you're not going to get sick. The germs kill, the germs kill, the germs are killed on the metal.

And I walked around forever thinking that. And I have a feeling that a bunch of strippers have been told that and probably killed their baby makers. Or maybe it was all just that friction that was going on on the pole, you know? Maybe she lit a fire up in there by accident. She blew up her pole. Yeah, it was burned. Gross. What did Leah do this week?

Did Leah do anything? That is pretty gross. You're like, oh, that's hilarious. Her baby was burned inside the womb. Next! Well, I mean, if it were to be born, Gigi would just cut it with a knife. Well, also in the episode, Marisol had to sit down with Elaine, who was still furious that her gig at the Hard Rock was somehow sabotaged. who was still furious that her gig at the hard rock was somehow her hostess and gig at the hard rock that has since been shut for like a,

like violation of like dirty food codes or something. Violation of like bad drag queening. So I don't really know if they settled their score, but they made some sort of progress, I think. And then Leah, did Leah do anything? Did Leah do anything?ah well her son had a

birthday party and she invited some people over and at that point they started to talk a lot of shit about mary saul but then leah actually was like actually we should not be having this conversation because mary saul isn't here to defend herself she's like i'm gonna shut this conversation down you know what i really don't understand how people people are villainizing. Is that even a word? It doesn't sound right. But how are they turning her into a villain? She doesn't do anything. Who's turning Leah into a villain?

No, Mary Saul. Mary Saul is, yeah. Everyone's turning her into some big villain. I just don't see it. I do not see it. Yeah, I refuse to make Leah a villain. And this is very tricky because I cannot get on Team Elaine. No, I can't either. But Team Elaine is the same as team leah and i have i have a very difficult time with that so

i just pretend like i don't know that we discussed that last week ben uh ronnie and i are obsessed obviously with leah but the elaine thing brings her like stock down yeah but you know it doesn't bring her down that much because leah's still fantastic well you don't start you don't start really reevaluating stuff in your life until you see yourself look like an asshole on TV and get mean tweets from people who hate you. And I have a feeling that Leah is getting a lot of that this season just because of who she's associating with. I mean, so far she's been with Joe What's His Buns. That big. And now she doesn't care, though. She was on she was on our podcast and she's like, yeah, everyone seems to hate me.

How fun is that? Well, I think she cares because if we say, you know, we love you and she's like, well, at least someone does. Wow! Well, that means that she's offended that people, you know, she's hurt that people don't. Yeah, of course, as anyone is. But she's not, I don't sense that she's doing the Jill Zarin thing where she's changing her personality.

No, no, no, no, no, no. I don't either. I would never say that. I like Leah. Jill Zarin's a horrible fucking human being. Speaking of Jill Zarin thing where she's changing her. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I don't either. I would never say that. I likely, uh, Jill Zarin's a horrible fucking human thing. Speaking of Gerald, Jill Zarin, Jill, hi,

honey, I've tagged you in this podcast. You listening? Shut up. So I was on Twitter, um, cause we were live tweeting the shots of sunset or whatever. And after I was reading them and laughing at us because I'm,

um, really into myself like that. And Jill Zarin, I know totally. And I still have Jill Zarin, I know totally. And I still have Jill Zarin. I still follow that idiot. And she's writing, I mean, she is still tweeting famous people. She's like, hey, Reza, when are we

going to hang out, hon, here in LA? Or should I come to New York? Or, oh, hey, what's up, you know, President Obama? Love seeing you on TV. Who are you tweeting, Jill Zarin? No one is tweeting you back. Just stop it.

You know, and then when I tweeted her about, like, hanging out when I was in New York, nothing. Radio silence. So there. That shows why I made a mistake there. She's a horrible, horrible human being. You know why God won't get you pregnant, Lisa? Because he's afraid that something might come out of you that resembles a Jill's errand. He's just going to stop

letting anybody get pregnant. The world is done. I hope that whatever comes out of Lisa looks like her mother-in-law. That would be amazing. The Russian Julia Child. I am king! This is how we make Russian meatball.

Very simple. You be a good you'll be a good wife and that is all that is all you do let me enter through this use my key to enter into the house i don't even know what i'm saying i'm just like trilling over here i'm not even making jokes i'm just making just saying sentences here i am in the kitchen i am a religious lenny's mother i don't know should we move on to biblio hills no there's two other things we have to talk about. Did you guys think about, what did you think about Joanna's like moment with her mom in the kitchen

where we learned more about Joanna and the fact that maybe she's such a hard bitch because she had to take care of her mom who was reeling from a divorce. I mean, I kind of actually like had a moment right there. I actually like Joanna's mom. I thought it was a nice moment. Joanna still is a whiny right there. I actually like Joanna's mom. I thought it was a nice moment. Joanna still is a whiny bitch.

Yeah, I like Joanna's mom, but she did unleash a sickness upon the world and she should be murdered for it. You should never forgive somebody for something like that. Second of all, like don't 50 percent of marriages end in divorce. And you know what? Those people are not all little Joannas running around acting like assholes. So I don't buy it. And third of all, I want to sleep with like assholes. So I don't buy it. And third of all, I want to sleep with romaine lettuce.

I'm not going to lie. I want it bad. Isn't it weird that romaine lettuce cuddled up against Joanna's mom? I wanted him to cuddle up against me. You know what I noticed this week, which I put on my blog, is that romaine lettuce looks like the autopilot from Airplane. The inflatable autopilot, if you think about it and if you don't know the reference go to bsideblog.com and look at my Real Housewives of Miami photo cap and you can find the picture where I put them side by side yeah or just come find

them on the Facebook page I'll put it on Facebook page yeah Ben and I both write Real Housewives recaps and I do re-dubs and all sorts of fun stuff and we put them all on the Facebook page at Facebook. Watch what happens. Come on, guys.

Come on over. So what was the other thing? Do you want to talk about – I just wanted to quickly talk about Adriana for a second. I mean that she was – I mean one of these recurring themes here is that she has commitment issues, and I'm wondering if you guys think that her man is cheating on her or if she's gonna like getting like what's gonna happen with her relationship dude she better lock that down she's been wasting too much time you see she he comes from good parents all right those are two classy motherfuckers okay and she should be so lucky to have a guy like that even though he has this ridiculous plan to have a yacht she needs to to get with Frederick and his family because...

I agree. You know what? I have trust issues as well. I probably will never fall in true love because I cannot trust anybody because I've been fucked over too hard to really truly ever trust anybody. That's so Persian. That's so Persian. But the thing is

I'm dreaming of finding someone who's such a pussy that they give me whatever I want. I can yell at them and berate them all day long and not even have sex with them if I don't want to. I don't understand what she's waiting for. To me, that's like the dream relationship. You sound like Lisa Vanderpump. Because otherwise, she could be stuck with someone like Dr. Karen DeSierra's boyfriend, Rodolfo or whatever, who is like – Who is clearly cheating on her.

Clearly cheating on her. I guess we'll find out more this week. But yeah, she gave it – Frederick's parents were awesome. And they were loving too and classy. They were way – What were they even doing on Bravo? They like –

Oh, do you remember when we met Jacques Cousteau and went to Easter at his home? And we ate brie. Oh, yeah. And listened to Gerard Depardieu tell stories about Catherine Deneuve and François Mitterrand. And then we had escargot and croissant.

Yeah, they're classy. And she just better hope that those parents don't get to know her too well, because she's kind of horrible. I would not want my son marrying her. Listen, these people have been married for 50 years and clearly been living this wonderful, elegant life. And the way they—the coronation of their 50 years is that they spend the night with the tackiest people in Miami. And then she puts on, like, a Cher outfit with, like, wings and boa accoutrement I mean it was just like she had to bring some

what did she say? it was a carnival outfit Brazilian flavor and it's like they don't want that no one wants that no one likes that flavor put it away just get rid of it he has to live up to my standards standards

well you know he has to live up to my standards. Standards. Well, you know, he has to live up to my standards. My standards. Standards. Standards. I am Brazilian. Pow. I like pow. I always like Brazilian people saying things like pow.

I'm going to Sao Paulo. My standards. I want to celebrate their 50th anniversary with some young slut and their son anyway. Why don't they go somewhere fun? Go to Disneyland at least. Go to Ojai. Sit down, shut up, and be married already. Sit down and shut up!

I really don't want to hear any more of your marriage. Soap your vagina and shut up! Shut up! You cannot speak! You are a woman! Your boobies invalidate everything you have to say! Sit down! Shut up! I've really had too much of this! No more! No more of this wedding!

I've had too much! Sit down! Shut up! I leave! Who invited you anyway? Who told you to get married for 50 years? Who told you? This is my party! My anniversary! You really do that so well. I mean, please stop bothering with candy and just stick with this.

Yeah, just do him as candy. I have Kegel balls up in my vagina right now. Shut up or they will fall on the floor and slime will be everywhere. Shut up. Let me tell you something. I really do not want to talk to you about my Kegel balls. They are up there, so be quiet. Who told you to say anything about my Kegel balls? This is up there, so be quiet. Who told you to say anything about my Kegel balls?

This is my ball. My vagina. How fun is that? Oh, I love the Kegel balls. By the way, did you guys see? We got a lot of comments on FB from people bitching about that comedian chick who was doing Leo on Watch What Happens. What is her name? You know her, right?

She came on Housewife Holden, and she's been meaning to come on this show, by the way. wasn't on that damn she was filling in for me the day i was i there that day uh yeah i think you were she's super what's her name amy phillips she's sweet amy phillips right oh amy does the amazing ramona singer yeah yeah she's very very talented and she's been doing leah black and i you know people were saying on the page like you guys need to be doing Leah Black but I think she does a very very funny Leah Black they were playing a game and again I'm

admitting I watched fucking WW HL or whatever but she was the bartender and Leah was one of the guests and the game was does Leah know the celebrity or not and so he was just naming random celebrities and she's like sure i know him but the fake leah would answer first and she was very very funny she's like of

course i know him i got him off a murder rap love him we just need to start up a puppet show you know we start a puppet show we have a leah puppet we'll have a thomas puppet we'll have a we'll have an elsa puppet we can have a puppet for i don't know we have a weird candy puppet too i don't know we have to have a karen sierra i hate her you have to well and and the mother what's mom lucero lucero loose i hate puppies well i love the thing about karen that's so bad it's normally i hate the parents of people like this, but I love her mom. I hate. I hate. I hate him. I hate him so much. I hate.

I hate him. You know what's really sexy? On a date, why don't you clean the crap out of my teeth? Yeah. Yeah. Well, she does that because he doesn't like her talking gossip. Like, he's asked her many times to shut the f up about these women he doesn't want to hear about the women he doesn't

care about all the gossip and she's like okay honey okay okay just sit down just sit down all these women are so mean to me honey and it's like he's said millions of times he doesn't want to fucking hear it woman oh what let me i just want to give you a cleaning don't worry i'm not going to talk about anything you don't want to hear me i just want to give you a cleaning don't worry i'm not going to talk about anything you don't want to hear about i just want to give you a clinic oh these women are so mean to me does that sir does this sir let's have a baby and freeze it how do you feel about freezing a baby huh no see she's smart she knows that he's gonna run away so she's like you can't run away because i have your teeth under a very sharp thing so do you want to freeze babies with me or not?

We can't freeze an egg, but we can freeze an embryo. Stick right now in me and let's freeze it. You know, I still want to keep things casual, but I was thinking we could have a baby and freeze it. That's it. Just a baby. Yeah, just totally casual. Just a baby. Just a baby.

You've had so much plastic surgery that you have a turtle nose. How old? I mean, that's like rings on a tree to tell how old your ass is. There is no way that you've even got anything to freeze up there. That'll be the most useless popsicle ever. Oh, man. No one likes a useless popsicle.

Go adopt somebody. Go adopt a three-legged dog like all the other idiots. No, she has that weird parrot. She doesn't need a dog. She has a parrot. I think it's a macaw parrot, but it may be one of them. Have you guys seen that there's this brand of, not brand, but there's a type of parrot that's like, it doesn't fly and it's like endangered.

And there's like not a lot of them. And I think she has one of them. Do you know what I'm talking about? She probably clipped its wing so she could talk to it and it couldn't get away. No, there's like an idiosyncratic type of parrot. I don't know. I think that's what she has. I'm lonely parrot. I'm sorry you want to fly away, but you're going to have to listen to me talk about how I want to have babies. Why the parrot want to

fly away? Why you want to fly away? Why the parrot? Marisol, why the parrot? Who the hell is this parrot? Who the hell are you, parrot? Marisol. I am told for this parrot. Hey, parrot? Marisol. I am too old for this parrot. Hey, hey, Marisol. Who the hell is he thingies? Hey, hey, Marisol. Marisol.

That parrot is an animal. All right. We have to move on to Beverly Hills because we are going to sit and do these impersonations for hours on end. Beverly Hills was dollsville except for – What are you talking about? Did you see? I said, except. I said, except.

I said, except. I wrote one of the most bitter Beverly Hills recaps that I've ever written. And that's saying something, because I'm a horrible human being. And for me to get that dark to where it's only episode four or five and someone's already saying, like, that's a little bit too dark for me. I was pissed off. Can I just say the first 15 minutes were interesting and then the rest was dull i just want to say this like can somebody okay ronnie can you please do a shut up mountain for kyle because i fucking hate kyle

oh my god well kyle shut the fuck up shut the fuck up i cannot can you guys fucking believe that she just said shut the fuck up the fucking table can you believe that what the fuck up I cannot can you guys fucking believe that she just said shut the fuck up the fucking table can you believe that what the fuck is wrong with her who fucking talks to other women like like Kyle said fuck 20 times they're exploding around today of all the women just saying shut the fuck up over and over again and one of our

one of our readers was like oh and this is the woman who keeps defending her piece of skank trash niece Parisis hilton who has her dirty racist uh sailor mouth i mean what a fucking i'm not trying to like i i have a sailor mouth too but i'm just gonna say this she is the biggest fucking hypocrite ever and yeah but we're not hypocrites about it we admit what we are no we admit it we admit that we're horrible bitches but here's the thing kyle is now the worst she is i don't know i used to like her adrian's the worst for me right

now well again you know what i think that kyle is even worse than adrian because kyle is a faker at least adrian is like an outward bitch like yeah next week she's threatening to sue brandy for slander i mean come on well so no here's the thing i mean all these women are idiots i think lisa was the only one who had a head on our shoulders because you know you know i'm team brandy but even even brandy was was out of line because okay let me let me state my case here brandy saying shut the fuck up she really should not have said that she could have said can you please like it's it's not it's not anything can you please stay out of it there's a polite way to do that and that's that's what lisa was trying to get her to say and thank god lisa was able to get her say it but she was like refusing to even like listen to the fact that that was

actually an adult way to handle the situation brandy is a trailer trash hope and you are expecting too much from her and the truth is this i hate to say it but taylor kind of had a point also when brandy was uh when brandy announced that she had a book deal, and then she was like, wow, it's funny that women can't be happy for other women. And Taylor's like, do you remember what you said about my book? There's a big difference there. I'm sorry. That's a huge difference. How dare you, Benjamin? No, no. I will tell you why. I'm not saying that Brandy's book – Ben, it's two against one right now, buddy. Good luck.

Well, oh, well, you know who's also in the majority at that table? Kyle and her friend. So I guess that's what that means also. Well, guess... Here's why I think it's different, because I'm not saying that Brandy's book is different than Taylor, what Taylor was doing, for sure. But I'm just saying, Brandy can't

do this bullshit of like, it's funny how women just can't be happy for other women. It's like, you know, that's kind of that's eddie sybrian cheated on eddie sybrian cheated on her she's been eddie sybrian has cheated on her a long time ago and has moved on to leanne rhymes three years ago taylor's book came out less than six months after her husband killed himself because no no no but i'm not arguing about the book i'm just saying the point when she said like when she says it's funny how like why can't women just be happy for other women because you could have that point absolutely you're absolutely right but the thing is and again brandy's brandy's just horrible and that's who she is it's like i don't

you know i don't hate the dog for having three legs it's who he is i just think it needs to be put down like i don't hate it but you know brandt the other ladies they're horrible like taylor here's the difference with taylor okay and i'm i'm sorry people that you're gonna probably hate this because this is not very nice but taylor armstrong was a con woman she changed her name she conned people out of a shitload of money with her husband as her partner. She starts needing a storyline. She starts telling people that her husband is beating her when there's no proof of that. He has no idea that she's telling anybody this. There's no proof of it. She, instead of getting a real doctor and going to a shrink, they bring this idiot in

from Bravo who's been everything like from a psychiatrist to a dog groomer on this channel. He's not a real doctor. It's Tabitha Coffey in disguise. They start spreading all this shit that he's abusive. Russell doesn't know that this stuff is being said. This is stuff that was cut out of the season, by the way, where she's accusing him of all this stuff. Russell never had any idea of this.

Taylor starts writing a book about how Russell is abusing her. Russell still has no idea about this. Russell's fine with, I mean, Taylor is fine with Russell until they threaten to fire Taylor off the show because she's getting her husband Russell to sue everybody for slander, for talking shit about her, if you'll remember that. Remember that when she was

threatening to sue everybody and blaming Russell? Well, who do you think was doing it? It was her. So they're saying, listen, you cannot have your husband around if he's going to sue people. He cannot film on the show anymore. So she gets left out of the big Hawaii trip. And so what does she do? She fucking dumps her husband and tells everybody that he's abusing her. And what does he do? He kills himself. So fuck you, Taylor. It's not really the same thing. You're a liar.

You're a compulsive fucking liar who's making money off somebody who probably never even touched you and ruining the reputation of a man who's got an innocent child there. And you're taking this child at book signings about how this man, you know, first it was, oh, he made a pizza. Take a break. Ronnie, you're having a Suzanne Sugarbaker meltdown right now. This woman is too fucking much. So for her to throw judgment anybody else listen honey you already did your damage and he's um hung up his towel so just shut the fuck up already and stop judging everybody

else the only should have told you to shut the fuck up the only judgment i want to hear is from yolanda why can't you women speak normal why what's wrong with you women why why can't we just like sit and speak privately and speak normally i don't understand these things hey motherfucking i'm going to inject lamb into my spine fucker i love you londa what do we think about um all of these people i mean this was kind of like obviously kim put this weekend together and it was kind of weekend it was kind of to celebrate her sobriety and then these women get shit faced well was it they said sobriety party at the end but was it a sobriety party i don't know i mean i know it is hilarious they're going to ohai it's like a place to

celebrate you know really relax and get calm and like chill out and maybe you know go for a jog with yolanda at 5 a.m but But, I mean, these women were like, okay, Kim, go to bed. We're going to get drunk, you sucka. And what a way to celebrate someone's sobriety by saying things like, well, the sober person had to leave, which is too bad because, you know,

it's always more fun to not be sober. That's really great. Way to tell that. Which is another reason why Kyle is awful and a lot of kim's problems come from kyle and her shitty shitty sisterly ways i mean i'm sorry but like if you were there and kim who is clearly a fragile pony fresh from rehab probably needs some support and she probably needs to play some fucking part cheesy by the fire and kyle is drinking like a goddamn fish and flipping around and showing her hoo-ha by doing

gymnastics and not giving a shit about her sister no wonder kim is fucked up and it's kyle's fucking fault and it's another reason why she's a hypocritical fucking bitch yeah she's pretty horrible a lot of rants tonight on the podcast yeah you see i started it once you open up once you let yourself get that mad at a housewife, it's off. And I blame Jill Zarin because she's the first one who sent me off like that. It's true. No, you were angry from the get-go. Didn't you have a rant right off the bat of the podcast?

Probably, but look at all these fucking housewife shows I have to watch to do this show. I mean, with all this bravo, like the other night when we were together, we watched Shaw's, which just you guys know that that show puts me out. I just hate that fucking show. I hate those people. So we watched that one. Then we watched Atlanta, which I actually do love Atlanta. we watch shaw's which just you guys know that that show puts me out i just hate that i hate those people so we watch that one then we watch atlanta which i actually do love atlanta but then andy cohen's face pops up and it's like you know what i'm gonna pull a russell if i have to watch any more of these shows right in a row i need a break between these shows i could watch them one after the other me too but i do want to i want the beverly hills season to to pick up a little

bit it sounds like next week it will when paul calls brandy a bitch which is real classy paul is disgusting and the fucked up thing is it's like paul is there defending his indefensible wife adrian and calling other women bitches which is so disgusting that he's doing that and the funny thing at the end of this he gets nothing because because then Adrian turns and stabs him in the face. And their whole divorce is going to shit, and she is dragging him through the mud. And he is sitting here for the next five months of this shit airing, and he is going to be defending this woman who fucks him over. Shouldn't happen to a nicer person. Oh, and when they were at that dinner talking about – and Adrian is so stupid.

That's something that people are really pointing out today today i mean this woman really is a bimbo and it was so funny because she's like what did i say what did i do and yolanda's also edith bunker by the way yeah yolanda's like what is it with these women how do they talk to each other women should not talk to women like this and she's like yeah who talks to another woman like that hey guys who talks to another woman like that hey guys i got a question who talks to another woman like that it's like oh now you've found somebody else to explain that to you so you can repeat it over and over again and you're meanwhile you're totally fine with your husband using the c word and the f word on women there's no problem with that and what about uh kyle at the end of the day at the end of the episode when everyone's getting along kyle and the limo is like

decides to just dredge up that whole stupid shot yeah was brandy not completely correct where she was like um kyle is this really the appropriate place to do that you dumb fuck yeah and you know they should know that like the thing is when when brandy gets riled up she can't let go of something and she you know when when she's when she's not talking about something, you should just let sleeping dogs lie because then they started to go at it again. And it was all because of Kyle. Kyle decided to bring it up. Well, she is. Brandy is just like a petulant little child. And Lisa's like,

I'm not going to let you draw on the tablecloth unless you say you're sorry for saying the F word. And Brandy is like a little child, but they're all terrible. I mean, Kyle told Camille in the first season that she was a fucking liar, and she said that at the dinner table, as I recall. Yeah, it's like, we have, like, people's

expectations are a little bit out of control if they think that they can put Brandy anywhere without her saying the F word, so guess what, people? It's gonna be said. The only good person on the show is Lisa, obviously, and I will tell you, laughed my ass off when she was doing her American accent. Yeah, and she did a great Kim accent. She did a phenomenal Kim accent.

Yeah. I can't come because I'm late. I got things to do. Well, what about Brandy telling Kim on the way to the bathroom, all these people want you to fail. Jesus! It's true. What the hell? Look, it's a

it's an effed up thing to say, but she's saying exactly what I'm thinking because it's like, yeah, your own sister wants you to fail. Yeah, she does. Yeah. Well, I love that they're showing clips for next week. And Kim's at least is like, oh, so what's it like being sober? That must suck. And Kim's like, well, you know, just because I'm sober doesn't mean I don't still hate certain people or whatever.

And Kyle's like, I feel like you're talking about me. Yeah. Yeah. She's like, you know, as a as a as an activity to bring the friends together. I thought it was great, you know, to help my relationship with my sister. No, not so much. Not so much. People who liked each other still like each other.

People who didn't like each other still don't. And yes, I mean, Kyle. I blame Maurice. Oh, God, Maurice. Like, right when she says I just finished the redo, so that's why the preview is, like, in my head. But when she's saying,

Kim, that's not fair, whatever. Mauricio is, like, putting his arm around her. It's like, oh, these men protecting their horrible women, you know? It's like, they're protecting their investment. It's like, they're putting siding on their house just stop it you bought an ugly house just by sidings and by siding you mean tits yes exactly uh camille grammar really got out she she got out all right with this you know because she can just disappear after all this is i miss me some camille well i don't she was horrible i'm excited that we get to see more of her boyfriend

next week, because he's hot. Oh, and then she's going to stick her, like, snake tongue down his throat. Ugh, she is kind of a bony mess. Yeah, just remember what it means. After I said ten seconds ago that I loved her. Just remember how horrible she was, you know? And remember that people don't change. She's just being

quiet because she's on TV now, but I don't buy a woman. Do we have any other strong thoughts because we are going quite long? No, I think that I've probably alienated everyone who liked me, and I think that that's a happy way to end. I just think that we should celebrate your birthday, Ben, by all of us going to a spa

and then we can all finger ourselves with some mud. I'm sorry to tell you this, but I'm way ahead of you on that front. That's happening right now. I got some mud and some kegel balls. You guys, Kim was getting a little bit too frisky with that mud.

It was disturbing. It gave her more pleasure than the gay bulldog. I don't like Kim being around mushy things, just in general. Whether it's mud or anything else. Those are two things that shouldn't match. Tossing a chicken salad with her man hands and fake diamond rings. God bless her.

God bless her. She does make the world go round. And by the way, she was wearing some glasses during one scene. I thought she looked fantastic in them. Is that just me? Did you guys notice that? No, she looked great in those glasses. And she also looked great in her green quasi-cheetah

muumuu. Yeah, yeah. You know what we need to do is pray and thank God for each other because that's what peaceful people do. Cut to her horrible sister rolling her eyes going, what the fuck is wrong with my dumb, drunk, whore sister?

I mean, seriously, Kyle is horrible. Well, people always turn to God when they're in jail. It's like, you know, shut up. You can be sober and we don't have to pray about it, okay? Thanks. Yeah, yeah. All right, well, I'm going to go off. And this has been a wonderful way for me to spend an hour and a half of my birthday

talking about these crazy bitches. And I've been enjoying it thoroughly. But I don't know how much longer i can take so don't don't rustle yourself okay guys love you all right everyone uh remember uh matt said life on the m list ronnie's at tvgasm i'm at b-side. The podcast is at What Crappens. And we're also on Facebook. Facebook.com slash Watch What Crappens. And leave us a review on iTunes. You should subscribe to us on iTunes and listen to us on Stitcher, too.

Anywhere you can listen to us, just listen and tell all your friends. Because we need validation. Very, very badly. We have fragile egos and we need all the help we can get. So thanks for listening, everyone. And we'll talk next week. We'll see you next time, guys.

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