Watch What Crappens - #491 Jackie Schimmel Talks RHOP

Episode Date: July 4, 2017

Jackie Schimmel (@JackieSchimmel on Insta and Twitter) joins Ronnie while Ben is away to talk the Real Housewives of Potomac finale. We laugh, we cry, we do the ThaTha. Find Jackie on The Bitch Bible wherever you listen to podcasts! Subscribe at http://www.patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens for bonus episodes, ringtones, and live group video chat parties. Find all our links and episodes at watchwhatcrappens.com See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Get ready for a double load of Queen of Hearts! It's me, Jujubee, and I return to guide sexy singles through some ronchy blind dates. Cameras off! Voice only! Launching during Pride! Queen of Hearts takes Miami by storm, with Daeders' Cuppe from Tampa Bayes, Just Chaz, and Brittany Brave to name a few. Follow Queen of Hearts on Amazon Music or wherever you get your podcasts. Watch what crap ends would like to think it's premium sponsors. Just say in Kelly Barlow, Sidney Burgess Gerson, Mia Hanson Aloha, and Christy Dowerty, we love you girls. Hey guys, Ronnie here. Welcome to Watch With Crappens. Ben is out of town, so I took this

opportunity to cheat with one of my favorite people in the world, Ms. Jackie Shimmel. You can find Jackie at her podcast, The Bitch Bible, which is F. In Collarious. And she's also at Jackie Shimmel on Twitter and Instagram. Do not forget we have a live show. Our New York date sold out. So thank you for everybody who's coming to that. We're also going to be doing an L.A. Day over Labor Day weekend And since it's a holiday weekend It's our biggest house yet and we're going to be doing sort of an experience out of it We're going to do our show, but then we're going to find out some day activities to do

During that weekend too, so we can all hang out together So if you want to come have a kick ass holiday weekend do it with us you can find the ticket links at our website watch what crap ends calm Do that buy some tickets come see us. We are so excited and nervous and thrilled and we're loving doing all of this and loving meeting you guys in real life So come out and party with us everybody and And until then, this week we have two shows. It's this one with Jackie, Real Housewives of Potomac. And then Thursday we're going to cover Real Housewives of New York. I'm going to be doing that with Stephanie Wilder Taylor. And that's it. We're off the rest of the week. So enjoy this show, come buy your tickets, and have a kick ass party week. My little independent flowers. Love you guys. This is a very special episode because Ben,

as Ben does, went to take a vacation and some God-for-sake-in-place called Disneyland where he can't just be on the internet all day. So I decided to take a vacation where the internet is always shitty to my parents house in Austin So I'm laying in my in the guest room bed. There's like fake crystals hanging off a lamps There's like plastic fucking plants all over this room and I'm laying on my side I'm leaning on my elbow talking to my new friend. Miss Jackie Shumon of the bitch Bible. Hello, Jackie.

Oh my goodness. Hello. I love your description about where you are and how you're laying. Are you wearing any clothes or are you nude only because the cleaning lady's here and if there's like a fire or something or like I need to get some mic and I ex out the fridge. I don't want to terrify the poor woman. You know she doesn't get paid enough. Or around her. I doubt that's going to work. I've been trying for years. Amazing. I'm very excited to talk shit with you. I can't believe we didn't meet sooner. I'm kind of annoyed that we didn't meet sooner. Someone was trying to introduce us for years and we would kind of like email back and forth and you know, like podcast world, it's like whatever.

And then we met and I was, I know. I found like my sister. I know, I really, really loved you very instantly. And it could go one or two ways. So I'm very happy that, you know, we found love in a hopeless place. Yeah. Oh AKA my office. AKA your office with fluorescent lighting.

I can't believe you put up with that. You know, I'm going to send an email, a strongly worded email. It's like the most hideous room in the world. I look like fucking golem died through up on themselves and then like glued some sad, july hair onto my scalp. It's just the ugliest fucking place. You do. I'm trying to, I'm here with my visiting my family, you know, and I have nieces. And I'm trying to teach the importance of like lighting and angles, you know, like when they take pictures of me, they're little. So they're taking them from low. And I'm like,

I know that I look like an obese Hagrid monster to you. But if you just look at me, how tall people look at me, you'd see that, you know, I've still got some game left in me, you know, so I've got these little girl standing on stools. Oh, yeah, finding your light, bringing a fan. Hell yeah. Oh, so today you don't have any hair, but no, I don't have any hair. Sorry. It's okay. You know what? I hate myself for like being fat or like stuff that I could do something about. I'll give myself shit for, but like hair, like what are you gonna do, you know? Oh, I feel yes.

It's like I'm gonna be mad that I'm loving eats, like that doesn't even make sense, you know? You're stuck with that. Oh, I'm Jewish, believe me, I have the whole hair problem also. Sorry, now I'm like boguiding your plan, just go ahead. Look at that. No, you don't, it's all about you.

Okay. This is the real housewives of Calabasis, which I can't show them. So today we are skipping invite only Cabo because it turns out the entire world doesn't watch the same things we invent do. But it was the season finale of the real housewives of Potomac and we are not going to be skipping that, okay? Not on this show.

Hell no. Hell no. So have you been watching the whole season of of Potomac? Like are you a true watcher of Potomac? You know, shamefully yes. Um, publicly no. I mean, I like to tell people that I don't watch it just because I want to like, I want to have like some scribble of dignity, but the truth is I watch it every fucking week real time. And this is how I live off of Potomac. And just let me know if you feel the time. And this is how I live off of Tomic and just let me know

if you feel the same. And I have this theory that like 85% of people who watch it feel this way. I get so angry watching this real housewife franchise because it is so underwhelming in all capacities. I think that they are, it's like a half-chub real house life franchise. You know what I mean?

Like, it does the job on a boring Sunday night, but it is entirely underwhelming. The houses are underwhelming. The trips are ratchet, the hair extensions, the outfits, I take them all to, like, I don't like any of them, but I continue to watch, because it's like this weird, self-savavitar thing and then I feel better about my life.

Yeah, I kind of hate it just because I feel like they don't make enough effort with it because they're just like coasting because they put it on after Real Housewives of Atlanta. And so they're like, okay, we'll just coast on that audience. We don't have to do anything. And that's not fair, you know, I mean, this season they did try to like, amp it up by all getting new apartments or whatever. I can. Instead of her, her low rent house with the white stove and stuff, we made fun of just else white stove. I think every episode last season, because one of our friends Angie pointed out, she's like, that woman can pretend she's rich. All she she wants but she's got a white stove so this season yeah yeah and this season she's got like a new apartment with a black stove so I was like you know I feel like we're making a difference in the world but like who does she have to fuck to

get a stainless steel stove I mean what's going on here And you know she does have to fuck somebody to get that. And that's what makes me crazy about Giselle is that she is acting like she's been doing this independent woman thing, this whole season because she's jealous of money, so she's like, well, I'm not the kind of woman that has to rely on a man's money. I'm like, really?

So you got all of that from like working at water burger get the fuck out of here You got some man's money. I mean it was a horny preacher Celebrity preacher, but it's still some man's money. Oh, yeah Exactly just I'll come to fuck down Oh, and I think working for a man's money is a fucking job. Like, why do we have to be ashamed about that? You know, Monique's not, Monique's not like, yeah, I work for this money, you know, I have like a gigantic man on top of me every night.

It's like being crushed by trees every night, you know? Exactly, and he does it with honor. Exactly, hope pride, okay. So we opened this episode with the fight, the low rent fight from last week and someone's living room. I forget who's living room this even is. But they're in some, oh, this is thought, oh, that's right. Cause it's after the fan pain room.

Oh my God. I threw up all over myself. That champagne room. What did you think of the champagne room. Oh my God, I threw up all over myself. That's champagne room. What did you think of the champagne room first of all? I think, okay, I mean, I thought it was kind of nice. I think it's a little bizarre. It's like the only renovated room in the entire series. So I'll take it. I mean, that just shows how low the bar is because like I was kind of excited about it. And then I'm thinking is like this wouldn't hold up in real house was in New York. This shouldn't wouldn't hold up in Heather to Rose House, but it's just the bar is so low

that I got a little bit excited just to see like a scraped ceiling and like a fucking light fixture that isn't from 1984. So I'll give it a go. A ceiling without popcorn on it. Like you guys baby steps, you know? Right. One step for Bravo, but a giant leap for the cast of Real Housewives of Potomac.

Like the highlight of the season, I'm like, wow, and like that sad little party city, like print at home banner that she cuts with the scissors. And I was like getting excited. I'm like, whoa, guys, it's really popping off in Potomac. And then I'm like, fuck, I'm not big of a deal. Like this is, this is low bunch. I know. I'll take it. See, even took off the sides of the paper with the holes on it that like pull it through the 80s printer, you know, it's like making enough for Yes, way to go. Fatha, but I love that she had the champagne room, but it couldn't even fit all the people so she's like, okay, well that's a fan-paying room

Let's go back to the living room So here we are in the living room and now everybody has decided to dogpile on Karen because she's like secretly moved and now she's pretending that she it was never a secret. She's like, well, you all know that I moved to great falls or whatever the hell it is, gravity falls, whatever. And she's trying to pretend it was never a secret. And Ashley says, Well, Mary, you're not gonna be the grand dom of Potomac. So I will talk to the real people who bestowed that title upon me,

and not some idiot on the cap to the end of it, which disregarding the grand. How can you even say those things? How can you even speak like that, and call yourself a grand dom when you have a, like, Rockhell Welch, like that and call yourself a grand Don when you have a like rock hell welch paced on wig like she really really makes me so angry I do not understand the entitlement as she's waltzing around to talk about with our Kansas Tory

birch bag like she's fucking Kate Middleton I can't stand her. She makes me like cringed sweats on cringed sweats. And my kids are sweating to talking about this. Yeah, she she's got such dismay on her face that she's like puckering her lips all the time. And she's now got a permanent mustache from the shadow created by the line. Her brush lips. But yeah, I'm loving her like her double toned hair. It's ombre. So that is not ombre. It's ombre. Like the Mexican in the Mexican food term, you know. Like talking to those ombre. Perfect. With an age. So they're getting a minute there, like typical stupid fights where they know that it's the end of the show and they have to fight, but they don't really know

why they're fighting. And so Ashley's like, you better confine your own situation before you call me stupid. Everyone has a lot of questions. And she's like, well, I upgraded. I just upgraded. I didn't downgrade. I upgraded. It wasn't a side grade. It was an upgrade and that's basically the fight. Who do you, um, your favorite out of the cat just? Wondering. Well, like as a nice person or people to watch, I think Karen's probably the most fun to watch because I used to think that she was kidding.

I think Karen's probably the most fun to watch because I used to think that she was kidding. You know, I used to think she was putting on an act. Like, Jazeal will just stab someone right in their throat to kind of put on an act. You know, just to have anything to do. So I hate her. And I thought Karen was doing the same thing, but it turns out when we got that like secret

microcording of Karen in the hotel room when she thought the camera's left. And she's like, how dare she speak to me like that, that little piece of trash, and like she was going off in her hotel room. I realize that she's never been kidding, which makes me kind of like her the most. You know what, I hate to admit that, but I'm totally on board with you. I think Monique, even though she's like the only person with, I mean, with a house. She's not that interesting. Ashley, I respect the instigating that Ashley provides.

So I'm going to give her that. I'm going to give her a gold store for that. Karen is probably the most interesting. I mean, Sasa, love to hate her. Robin is like Squidward from SpongeBob. Like, I have nothing to say about Robin. Except she is very pretty. I'll give her that.

But she'll fucking boring. Yeah, she really is. So, I'm gonna give it to Karen. Also, Robin's one of those people that, you know, your girlfriends who call you to like bitch about their relationships and stuff. And sometimes it's okay, because you get to bitch about your relationship too. And then you give each other advice and stuff like that Robbins not that girl Robbins that bitch who's been calling you for 20 damn years about the same man and the same problems and like we

I made dinner for him and he didn't even say thank you. It's like You know Jesus rob no, I totally yeah, she's a broken record. It's like Is this Rob? No, I totally yeah, she's a broken record. It's like or on such a ball kill. She's a broke record. That's even worse. I mean, I get taking it from I get it from Monique's like, you know what? I've been crushed every day. My back hurts. My knees hurt. I've been tossed around like a, you know, like a midget and an Irish bar. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm in pain. I'm tired. I'm in pain.

But like come over to my house for some boob and crab cakes like I'm willing to put up with that, you know Rukator top shelf bar. I'm down for that. What is Robin providing like literally nothing? Robin's that girl who will come to your house and cry and then like take your flower your sugar sugar, a few eggs, like just just to just make dinner, you know. You're so right. Not worth it, Robin. Bring something to the table. Although I do like once or twice a year that Robin gets worked up by Jacelle. And so she's like, oh, right, I'll tell someone off. And then she goes and just starts telling someone off really angrily because Jacelle's making her do it. Yeah, last year was the black last year was the black Jewish storyline where they're like, you can't be black in Jewish. That doesn't even make sense. Oh my god. Yeah, that was pretty brutal.

That was brutal. I mean, we went off on this show. We have like this big race fight, and then at the end, I'm like, wait a minute, we're like at each other's through it's about real housewives of Potomac. Let's take a step back and remember that we love each other, okay? Well, that was a very polarizing statement because you can imagine like if someone else had said that, if someone said you can't be, you know, it's just, it's, it's very polarizing. Like, if imagine if I said that or you said that, you know, it's just, it's, uh, it's very polarizing.

Like, if, imagine if I said that or you said that, you know, we would be fucking ripped to shred. Exactly. Well, and then this year they dropped that because that was a little too much. And I like that that fight started in front of an outdoor air conditioning unit. That was like my favorite thing. You know, those big things outside in the, in the side yard or whatever. Of course. But this year they can't do that. So they're fighting about like whether Robin's husband is cheating or not, which is so stupid. Like, of course he is. And it's not even

cheating because they're not even married. They're fucking divorced. Like, what's the confusion here? I'm over it. They just need to share their apartment because they can't independently finance their own gigs. That is it. Yeah. He needs someone to clean and she needs someone to like complain about to her friends. Fuck her. Yeah. Do you think he can?

Once every four months. Um, I think that after she whips up, I'm assuming some type of a rice based on trade dish. And they have a couple glasses of cube buck chuck or franzia from the box. Maybe things flip and they get it on. Right. That's what I think. So this is basically this scene ends with the mystery because no one understands what Karen's doing.

Sasha's like they moved in the middle of the night. So they're all on this huge mystery of what's going on with Karen and why she's being so weird about her move, which actually turns out to be a real mystery by the end of the episode. But Karen's like, well, I'm thinking we're going to have a party for my anniversary and for our housewarming. I'm thinking of something exotic, so embrace the word girls, details are forthcoming, and maybe all of you will be invited. I don't know. Like, everyone's driven driving like thrilled to drive how many ever miles to go to your low-ranked party, Karen Yeah, please and Ashley tells her I hope I'm included on the email chain, which is such a dissent itself

I know I was still bummed that no one picked up on that shady comment because It was so genius, and I don't even think it was intentional. I think that was just completely, I mean, that's so Potomac, right? That is so Potomac because you know that Karen. So Potomac-y. You know that Karen was probably planning on faxing invitations to everybody. Oh, that bitch loves an e-vite. I think they only rely on e-vite. And it's like the one with the ads all over it. They won't even pay like the five cents for the bulk send or whatever. Oh, no, no, yeah, you got to watch an ad for like some insurance company before you get invited to our fucking. So then we get kind of the little clips of what everybody is doing in Patel

make Ashley spending her husband's money on a massage. Sasha's dressing her dog. Just as trying on a net jacket. A trench, a very, very rapy Megan's lot trench. And then she's dancing. I like that. I enjoy that personally. And the people in the store just like, oh my god, finally, someone to get this dress

out of here and she won't be. She's like, I've got to do a dance just in case anybody cares. No one does. Okay. So then we go over to Robin. So Robin has decided that, you know, it's a season finale, so she's going to pretend she hasn't had this conversation with one like nine million times. And to make it really romantic, she's going through boxes of shoes while she does it.

And you know what, here's something I was confused about. So apparently she was cleaning out their kids shoes, but then why is she fucking wiping them down with like a towel to glove if she's giving them away? I was very confused by that. Because giving away means sitting out on the lawn and waiting for people to, you know, give her offers. She's not giving that away. She is goodwill. That's so true. You know, I don't even know why I didn't put two and two together. Obviously. Yeah.

What would I do without you? Girl, that is goodwill. She is the Salvation Army, okay? There's going to be a Mews on Wheels passing by that house at any moment. Oh, God. Okay, so let's see here. She's like, I've talked to everybody about my situation except the person that matters most So

She's wiping down kid shoes and she's wearing Stretch pants that are slit all the way up the sides and then relay step which you know I guess that's an effort that she's making um I don't really know what to show showing a little leg yeah showing a little upper thigh or showing a little upper hip whatever a man is looking for so she's like I've decided to tell Juan about the dating assignment. So Juan comes in, he's like, so you're cleaning shoes. Awesome. Like he hates her. He can barely hide how much he hates her. It's like I put on makeup for this and what the fuck do you want? So he's, he said he got an opportunity to be on the winning side, but my mom was like screaming obscenities of the TV. So loudly,

while I was trying to watch a stamp show that I missed the line and I didn't want to rewind it. You know what he was talking about? Oh, he was the winning side. Yeah, I thought he said something like, was he talking about getting a job or something? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So he was offered a job to coach a women basketball league. Oh, okay. Oh wow. One is obsessed with being on things that nobody watches. It's weird. Oh, so I know, right? So that's going to happen in six months. Is that what the thing is? Oh, no, no, no. The six month thing was, you know i can't do it every time robins on the screen i kind of like you know get a refill whatever i'm drinking but apparently in six months uh... that's kind of their deadline to see whether they're gonna like be

together or start dating new people entirely so you know they make this pack to like get to know each other and spend more personal time together. And she like pops a boner because he's like, yeah, maybe we'll go out to dinner and she like fucking loses her shit. Like what, you live together, you're married. Like are you really that fucking excited?

This guy hates you. So that was kind of the six months ultimatum, if you will. I thought there were, okay, that's why I was asking because I missed that line. So I thought he said when he was getting a job that would start in six months, which was giving them that six months Thing because she's like well, I guess we should we could try for six months And so I thought yeah nice nice deadline. It's because he's leaving then or something but I just didn't hear and You know what this was much better than actually pressing

rewind. So thank you. You're welcome. There are dates. I feel like it's going to be like a sonic drive through because they'll both have to face forward and they'll have something in between them, which will like prevent him from touching her. Right, a divider and like something, yeah, at least some type of a distraction, so they don't have to rely on their stimulating conversation and mediocre personalities. Hey babe, remember that time you clean shoes? Yeah. That was fun. I heard I'm going to go ask for the bathroom key. Be back. Okay, so romantic. It's working. Okay, so now let's go see Karen's home. This is not Karen's new home.

I don't know who Karen is trying to trick, but... No fucking way. There is no fucking way. Ray was like, okay, I'm gonna buy this house. This giant mansion. There's no possible way. Ray was like, okay, I'm gonna buy this house. This giant mansion. There's no possible way. She went from like a corded phone on the wall, like a microwave oven from the 80s, a white stove, a facts machine to this. There's no way. No, well it is a rental. I don't

even believe it's a rental to you because they explained by the end uh... and it's just like a little tiny thing where monique is telling who like robin or someone uh... you know they were leasing to maybe possibly by yeah like a red tone like one of those furniture places uh... i don't think that's the case i don't think that's the case either and i the only thing i keep thinking about

is that you know i don't know Potomac real estate market over there. But if it's not in Potomac and whatever great fault is, which sounds like it's not so nice, maybe she was able to get the best house on the block, but they're underneath a freeway or something. So maybe there's like some type of a real estate market, like contingency so that she can get a really big house at a really shitty area. You know what I mean? Oh, that's true. Maybe there's like a 7-11 right behind it

that you can see from the backyard or something. Well, the house, when you look at it from the, you know, there's a shot where they show you the house and close up, it looks kind of grand, but when you kind of like, you go out of frame and you see there's a house right next to it, it looks a of grand, but when you kind of like, you go out of frame and you see there's a house right next to it, it looks a little prison yard-y, landscaping-wise in the front and the back. I also noticed that they were doing a shot of the house like from below, like I'm trying

to teach my nieces not to do with me, but they were like aiming the camera up from the curb on the street and like aiming up to make it like I guess bigger or whatever. There was something for me about it and then the scene where they're supposedly unpacking but they're not unpacking anything. I think they're just boxes there. I think that this is like a week-long rental so that she could film the finale at her house and then they're in some condo after this. And like, why were they in a tent? If it's this big, grand home with the chandeliers, like, why do you have a tent in the backyard?

Yeah, they're hiding something. There's something fucked up here. I agree with you. I'm going to go with, they're hiding the 7-11 neon glow from behind their house. I'm just going to pretend that that's true. I'm going to go with you on that. I agree.

Um, so they talk about this party they're gonna have and she's like, well, I've wanted it to be exotic. I'm thinking Indian, you know, and then people can dress in Indian garb as well. And he goes like, belly dancers or something. And she's like, like, Bollywood. And he looks so concerned. And she's like, Ray, Ray, your heart, Ray, does your arm hurt? What is it?

Should I call the doctor? And he's like, we're not Indian, we're African. I can get out my old Dishikki. Oh my God. And then from behind me, my mom goes, what's it Dishikki? She's like, wasted behind me playing Kanasta with my band. I was like, never, never you mind, mom. Raising kids can be one of the greatest rewards of a parent's life.

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I love all that mushy food. Little incursible. But you have to use the porta-podies because they can't clog up their rental toilet. You know that's true, too. There's probably like tape over the toilet because the water hasn't been turned on. Yeah. So that's the side that they're gonna compromise

and they're gonna do an African and Indian party at the same time. And she goes, it's fabulous, it's inclusive. Everything a hucoparty is known for. Inclusive. Oh my god, building bridges and Potomac, building bridges. I mean, the best, I mean, I know you're gonna get to it, but I just can't wait. When Monique walks in, like one of the village people. My mouth hit the floor, like I gasped, literally gasped. That was so funny. And I liked it. I liked it.

Shasha was like, I know she's trying to have fun, but she doesn't really fit in with all the pedomic people. I'm like, really, really? You think that she was really going for the whole fitting pedomic people. I'm like, really, really. You think that she was really going for the whole fitting and thing. She's wearing a huge head dress. Now, do we think that she intentionally wanted

to stand out and wear a different outfit and have some kind of a controversy? Or do we really think that she's maybe not that bright? And when they said Indian, she used the politically incorrect terminology. I think that she used the public. I think that she didn't even know, because Karen said, did you get my invitation? Did you see that it was Indian? Did you dress as a Native American Indian?

And she's like, yes. Yes. I had a flashback of Carol Radswell and Countess Llan when Carol was really obsessed that Countess Llan was referring to herself as an Indian and careful for your scalp, baby. That's all I could think about. And do you remember that was also when someone was explaining that she has a second set of teeth behind her teeth but they're all like I forgot about that. They're all pointing towards her throat. It's like they're laying down behind her mouth and I've always just thought of Luan peeling fruits, you know, because she's got those like, just kidding.

Pee. Getting home alive. I've never been able to get that out of my head when I see Luan. And she's like, well, you know, all I care about is being sexy from my man. Oh my god, that poor thing is going to lose a penis one day. She's going to orally Lorraine Bob at him with her second pair of teeth. On total accident.

Oh my god. So, Jacelle and Kevin go on a date, like I literally cannot care with Jacelle. It's so fake. Do you think this thing with Kevin is real or do you think she just needed something to do? She just needed something to do. I mean, it's so fake. Do you think this thing with Kevin is real or do you think she just needed something to do? She just needed something to do. I mean it's very forced. She's always smart enough to like, I mean, and I use that term pretty loosely. She's trying to have a storyline, you know,

and obviously this was her sadest attempt at it. I mean, she's not even hot. It was like there's no passion. She kind of gives me a sexual vibe. Yeah, I think she's probably just been hurt so much that she doesn't believe in love anymore, guys. Oh, I bet. One thing I will say for her is, in one scene this season, she was cooking. And her mom was like, what are you making?

She said popovers. These kids just need bread. So I looked up popovers and I made them and I've been making them like three times a week ever since. So I will say thank you just all for that because they're lovely. Oh, send me the recipe. I love a popover.

They're so easy and they're so good. And I have to mention that my dad and the background of this scene said, she's got the name of a biblical whore, but it spelled wrong. I was like, yeah, that's this show. God, the more you know, can I watch the show with your parents? They feel like I'm getting a such inside information. They're the worst. The best part is when I'm here during real housewives

of Orange County. I was playing Orange County, one of the reunions, one time where Vicki's like, I am not a boy! Or whatever, you know, Vicki's screaming at the reunion. And my mom was like, these women are disgusting monstrous horrors. But like the best. I was like, they're the best in the business, baby.

Okay, so Monika's to look at her new home in wherever in Potomac. And Chris is like, it's no kitchen. We're going to make food for babies in the kitchen. He didn't say anything interesting, but I just like how he talks. He's kind of sexy in a not sexy way. And I guess I don't have the AC turned on and there. So he's like, I'm not girl, well, the Bama style and put a fan in the window. And she's like, well, do you have a shark tank? I'd like that they added that in the end thing. They're like, she's already got a shark tank in her new, in her new kitchen. Oh, God. Nothing happened here, right?

Syri's survived. No, not really. Oh, so all the girls come over and Syri's is like, we need to have a bell. We need to do a thing, but the thing. So they go around like burning sage. I feel like Syri's hasn't really done that in her house because she's still there.

Oh yeah, definitely not. But you know, maybe that was Sasa and not Sheree's, you know. She comes out once in a blue moon. Sasa. It's so Sasa of her. I love this one that she kept going, whoa, what a house. Where's the champagne room? And so no one really reacted. So later, they're

like, Hey, here's tears to the new house. And she's like, now you need a champagne. Like you're not going to make champagne rooms happen, okay? Like just keep trying. I mean, I respect her for it at least. But I mean, she just, she does that a lot actually. She like repeats the same shit over and over and over, she's hoping that something's gonna stick and people are gonna lie from people and be like,

you go thaw thaw, but it never works out for her ever. Yeah, you know that every night while this air is while everybody else is fighting on Twitter, she just keeps searching for hashtags to see if anything's caught on. That pain. Yes, really. Sapa.

So awesome. Okay, so the girls go shopping at the Indian store. Let's see, did anything funny happen here? Robbins, we're going to the Indian themed African store. Text chain. They themed African store text chain They look over some By the way that they have that they have one of those I've never seen one of those my whole fucking life It's just casually in Potomac they have like an Indian like sorry store like an old strip bump

Mm-hmm I don't think that anybody knew it was there because they all act so shocked. Like every one of them said something when they came in. Like Robin said, Whoa, there's so many colors. You know. Wow, you're so observant, Robin. Ooh. I think that they were all probably thinking it was Native American Indians until they got to the store.

And they're like, wait a minute, there's a lot of glitter in here. So let's see, now they start the mystery. Robyn's like, what's going on with this party? Is Karen hiding something? And Thaitha's like, it's a victory. I've got it to the Bible of it. So let's see, now we get to the big. Oh yeah, is that your dog? Yeah, my dog's an asshole. Man, that dog is dramatic. I wasn't even a bark. That

was one of those like, yeah, he's really meeting and he's also mildly racist. So anytime, like somebody walks by the house, he freaks out. We're working on it. I'm sending him somewhere, but it's, you know, it's a white chihuahua. No, he's a shit zoo, but he hates people in hat. And he really only likes like white, um, white women with blonde hair. My dog loves women and hates men, especially old men. Like, my dog is Aegis. Good for him or her. It's a him. I respect that.

I used to have a female dog and she hated children. So I was kind of with both of my dogs, actually. Oh, so. Oh, my God, children are so annoying. I mean, only like 20% of them are cute and lovely. The rest of them, oh, put them on an island somewhere. That's gonna get me in trouble. I can attest to that as I was one of those horrible children that people wanted to put

on an island. Like people who knew me as a child still look at me when they see me again like, oh, hello, wow, you're still here, hey? You're still with us. On the same way, I was the worst. I hate, I'm like, oh, hello, wow, you're still here, eh? You're still with us. On the same way, I was the worst. I hate, I would have paid it to myself. I can't be my parents and shit me away or like leave me on someone's doorstep. I was a nightmare.

My parents literally did all those things and I just kept coming back. And look at us now. We're so lovely and gracious and elegant. I know. Thank God we were born in this time. You can just talk your own shit, just, you know, to a select amount of people and it all works out. My mom's like, this is so unfair.

My mom has been waiting for a apartment. To live in the mud, her whole life. And it just never happens. She's so pissed. We get celebrated for being obnoxious and irritating. It's like kind of the best thing ever. It's justice for annoying people like us. My mom is still convinced that I'm just saying I'm gay to piss her off. Because I never bring home boyfriends. I never do any of that. She's like, I told you he was fucking with us. I'm like, yeah, that would be pretty epic. Not gonna lie.

You don't know what it to Shiki is. I'm never bringing anybody to this house. Okay. Karen is putting her party makeup on. And she's like, my black prince turned me on. My mom's like, gross. From behind me. The guest arrived and there's no furniture in the house. And my dad goes, why are they playing Caribbean music? Oh, I'm I'm I'm I'm

I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm So Karen gives Ray her gift, which is her Budwapix.

And he goes, what's this? And she goes, it's your wife in your shirt. And he's like, where are the clothes? And then they show the picture. She's wearing black tights, a shirt, a mask, a wig. What more do you need, Ray? She's so surprised. She's not a handmade.

By the way, was that the most like ratchet like Bajor photo? She looks like one of those, you know, those Halloween costumes are called Leg Avenue. There's like a slutty, super woman, but it's all poly blend and it rips like midway through Halloween and just fucking the hankin' everywhere with her leg pop and like the fadorat, like she's fully covered.

It looks like she she took the photo on on Ashley's flip phone which we haven't even talked about yet. The bitch has a flip phone, unbelievable. And then she went to a FedEx office and she's like, can you blow this out and put it on a fucking like it was the craziest shit I've ever seen. I'm like, wow, you really spoil your man Karen. It reminded me of one of those like old people shake. They're, you know, those old people shakes that are, I don't know, they're filled with calcium or something. And there used

to be an old star who did them. And she would be kind of acting like she's tap dancing, like, warning a shuffle ball change. And then she drove her top hat up in the air and be like, I can do it because Calcium, it's like the same outfit she's using. It's like Liza Manelli in Sex and the City too. It's like Liza Manelli in everything ever since Liza Manelli was born. Liza Manelli loves a button down with some tights girl.

She's done. I sorry, I guess when I was a kid and I just remember I only love a button down with some tights, girl. He's done. I saw her in Vegas when I was a kid, and I just remember really long scarves, and they would turn on wind machines, and she would be like, my scarf was blowing. And it was just like all this weird scarf movement, and I loved it. She took me wrong. I love that too. Okay, let me see here. So, Jacelle and Cherisse,

who are the worst human beings on this show, or probably any brava show, always come up to every party just judging it. And Jacelle is the worst. Right, they're in a position to judge. Yeah. Jacelle is the worst about it, but they're grabbing like the Golden Geese decorations outside. She's like, what is this? Goose? What is this? What is this supposed to be? She says, she says, she says, she says, she says, she says, she says, she says, she says, she says, she says, she says, she says, she says,

she says, she says, she says, she says, she says, she says, she says, she says, she says, she says, she says, she says, she says,

she says, she says, she says, she says, she says, she says, she says, she says, she says,

she says, she says, she says, she says, she says, she says, she says, she says,

she says, she says, she says, she says, she says, she says, she to random people. She's like, have a good friend. Now, have you seen their furniture? Where is it? And why did they move so fast? And the lady's like, I don't know. Do you have any idea if they're going to be appetizers?

Because I'm literally starving to death. There's like no food. No food, no food. Yeah. No food, no booze. Yeah, and now they've changed to Cassio keyboard African music, I guess, like little don't take a don't the don't the don't and Monique enters in her village people outfit. Oh, that was aggressive. So we basically start cutting all over the place for the rest of this episode. And the ladies basically aren't believing Karen

But it really ends in a fairly benign way. I mean we've saying we've seen We've been watching Karen sobbing in the previews like oh someone confronted me at my African Indian party, but that didn't even happen. I mean that was we've got a surprise for you mom And then over it like the speaker phone put into a microphone you hear That really pissed me off. You know what it was just it was so overdone and I was really hoping that on the finale they were going to like bust something out It was promoted like all will be revealed had what Karen's move and blah blah blah So I was really excited about it and then to know that the crying scene is not because like

Her bankruptcy papers were exposed at her party, but it was her fucking mom wishing her happy birthday Like are you fucking kidding me? I know she was acting like her mom found a corded phone in like heaven or something. It's like, you know, she's still alive, right? And also she's like, whatever since the early onset, Alzheimer's, my mother suffered from, like she's 90. She is not early onset, Karen. That's like totally normal onset, you know, Exactly. But she keeps trying to pretend that she's some young wife. Even earlier in the show She was like to all the girls who marry old men do not let them Read, relocate you when you're not ready or downsize you when you're not ready. I was like you're like five years apart

They're like six months apart. I you're not ready. I was like, you're like five years apart. They're like six months apart. I was being generous. I was giving her credit for her new wigs that cover, you know, the half of her head that's usually hanging out. That's true. And I think the only other thing that really stood out at this end was when she and Ray gave each other speeches and then made out really hard in front of everybody.

My mom gave out a visual and then they cut to some lady just looking disgusted. It was pretty vile to watch. I mean, I don't love watching people make out to begin with. I mean, if they're hot and it's hot and whatever. But like, that was a little too much. It felt a little duck protest too much. Like they were putting on a show. The whole evening was a show to me. The tent, the dancers, the fire, the whole, the, the, the, the thrones, like the awkward thrones they're sitting in. What are you doing?

God. Well, there, like maybe if we gross them out enough, they won't, you know, see I'm not sure if they're going to be able to get the right to the right. Well, they're like maybe if we gross them out enough, they won't, you know, see the for rent sign on the lawn. That the goose is trying to

cover up. Exactly. And that brings us to the end of this. The reunion looks like, um, was it, is it Shaw Shaw? Who throws out the accusation that she heard that, um, Karen has a boyfriend, but that's just, I don't believe that. Well, yeah, I thought that was a liar. Like, she'll lie about anything she doesn't care. Remember last year at the end of the family, remember the year, last year at the end of the, uh,

reunion, she goes, and he's like, okay, everybody cheers to a great season. And she goes, wait a minute, I have an announcement to make this show ruined by marriage. Like, okay. Well, cheers. Okay, cheers. I'll drink to that. Nothing a new hoverboard count fix. Oh, saw, saw, poor, poor, saw, saw, saw. You know, they all look pretty good at the reunion. No, actually looks good. Oh, yeah, actually does look good. I think she maybe got, does she look like she got something

done her eyes look different, but good. No, I think that's just like a keratin treatment and like a good straightening on your head. Oh, oh, girl, you have so much to teach me. I have so much to teach you. No, she looks pretty good. I'm not really getting a lot of attention. I'm not getting a lot of attention. I'm not getting a lot of attention. I'm not getting a lot of attention. I'm not getting a lot of attention. I'm not getting a lot of attention. I'm not getting a lot of attention.

I'm not getting a lot of attention. I'm not getting a lot of attention. I'm not getting a lot of attention. I'm not getting a lot of attention. I'm not getting a lot of attention. I'm not getting a lot of attention. I'm not getting a lot of attention. She has no friends because anyone with with a pulse and like an eye one eye You don't even need to would look at her and be like what the fuck are you thinking with that unibub in your bandage dress Like you've got to be fucking kidding me right now and no one is saying that's her because nobody likes her

Yeah, Karen really loves a full body up to the jingle. I mean, up to the, what do you call that? The turkey jiggle under your neck, the waddle. The gov, oh yeah. The full neck up to the waddle swim suit dress. She's always loved it. Yes, thank you. It's not a good look. She's with us out every season.

So that brings us to the end of Petal, make. Thank you so much for coming in today and filling in with McGurough. Oh my God Anytime I had the best time with you. Let's do this all the time. Yes, please Get you a little USB mic at your house and we can just sit here and talk every day about something. Love it I'm bored. I have no friends Me either. Thank you so much. Tell everybody where you want them to find you. You can find me on my podcast called The Bitch Bible. It's out every Tuesday.

It's on iTunes so you can search it there or follow me at Jackie Shimmel at the NM E L on Instagram and Twitter and Grindr or whatever the fuck you can find me on them. Are you on Grindr? It's like one of those people just looking for friends. I actually do have a Grindr account because I thought it would just be interesting, but I'm not really looking for any friends. I like your style, girl. Jackie, thank you so much, we will talk to you next time. The only shows we're doing this week are this one. And then on Be Back Thursday with Real Housewives of New York

with Stephanie Wilder Taylor. So we will talk to you then everybody. Boy. Hey, prime members. You can listen to Watcher Crappens, Add Free on Amazon Music. Download the Amazon Music app today. Or you can listen to WatcherCrapins Add Free on Amazon Music, download the Amazon Music app today. Or, you can listen Add Free with Wondry Plus in Apple Podcasts, before you go tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at Wondry.com slash survey.