Watch What Crappens - #74: This Isn't About You. It's About Hot in Cleveland!

Episode Date: May 8, 2013

On this week's Watch What Crappens, Matt Whitfield (Yahoo), Ben Mandelker, (bsideblog) and Ronnie Karam (TVgasm) talk crap about the Real Housewives of Orange County's Heather going to dark side and the new wacky grandma on the scene. Then it's off to Married to Medicine to try and figure out how you're supposed to solve problems without alcohol. And don't worry, we didn't forget about NeNe's appearance on Watch What Happens or Bravo's new relationship dramz, Newlyweds. Come on in! See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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juicy, mouth-watering. Hey, do they have Milk Duds who knows you'll have just you'll just have to go to berries.com you guys getting a good shave can be a real pain in the ass when you have to search through 50 different brands and models matching new blazed old handles that stop being compatible paying for bullshit features where your razor doubles as a flashlight or a vibrator or a toothpick who Who wants to pay $20 for some new razors? Join the society of smarter men. Go to dollarshaveclub.com forward slash bravo to get high quality razors delivered to your door for just a couple of bucks a month. That is dollarshave.

God damn. You know what? I need to shave. I can't even talk right because I'm so hairy right now, you guys. I need to go to dollarshaveclub.com forward slash bravo to get some high quality razors. They've made it simple. High quality razors, 100% guaranteed, sent on schedule so you never have to think about it again. Every month you get a new pack and every week you change your blade. Dollarshaveclub.com has made it easy to get a good shave and to save some money while you're doing it. I get a fresh blade every week and it feels fantastic. No, I have not used this week's yet, but I'm going to do it right after this so I don't feel like such a damn slob. Next time you find yourself looking for that dirty, rusty razor, remember, either Bueller ate it or the dollarshaveclub.com is about to show up with one.

Go to dollarshaveclub.com forward slash bravo. Great razors delivered to your door. Save money and shave well, you guys. DollarShaveClub.com. Do not listen to our podcast again while you have a hairy face or hairy nuts or a hairy back, you guys. DollarShaveClub.com forward slash bravo. Bravo. AVO. as you came love is a losing game Trenta is also the name of a character on Marriage Medicine

who never made it to air but just so you know so everyone please not only follow us on Twitter and Instagram and by the way thank you for all our new followers but come to our Facebook page please not only follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and by the way, thank you for all our new followers, but come to our Facebook page, facebook.com forward slash watch what crappens.

We say this every week, and we really mean it. The page is out of control. Everyone who is posting things is hilarious. There are some really funny listeners that we have, and I'm truly laughing here in my apartment. And it's not just because of the coffee. Do you like your coffee like your men? Extra dark and black? Yes, actually. It's true. Black and strong.

I have to give a shout out to one of our listeners. Therese Erdelin. I don't know if I said your name properly. We butcher all of their names, so it really doesn't matter. I have to say, she has been cracking me up with her comments on the page. I mean, really cracking me up. She writes little funny remarks, and they are so on point.

How about my boy, Roland Poland, who has a boyfriend, I found out, because I asked him directly through the message boards. And you're going to say that in front of Jesusesus i don't oh jesus and i are talking don't you worry but now jesus knows that you're talking to roland poland too no roland poland shut it down roland poland was like no i got a boyfriend of eight years it's not about what roland poland did it's about what you did you cheated on jesus i would never do that i would never do that to a 20-year-old that lives millions of miles away from me. You commit. Once you flirt, you commit to that flirtation.

No one else. Look, OkCupid is not working. I got to turn to other devices. Like our Facebook page. Well, you should turn to something that you have to actually pay for. OkCupid is where all the poor people go. Trust me. That's where I'm on.

You need to go on something expensive. Excuse me. Mymatch.com, Cupid's where all the poor people go. Trust me, that's where I'm on. You need to go on something expensive. Excuse me. Mymatch.com, which I pay for, is ending this week, and it accidentally updated itself and made me pay another $60 for three months, and it was worthless because I don't want to date old dudes that live in Palm Springs. No, you definitely don't. You probably don't want to date young dudes

in Palm Springs either. No, and I wouldn't even date Vicky's disgusting boyfriend, Brooks. Oh, what about her? That's what the majority of the people on Match.com look like. They all look like Brooks. Another thing about our Facebook page is that we are getting obsessed

with finding tacky home decor and assigning it to the housewives. And for about a few weeks now, people have been posting images of fleur-de-lis and fat butler sculptures that one might find in Gretchen Rossi's apartment. And I had the distinct pleasure this weekend of going to both Marshall's and Steinmart up in Valencia, California. What the hell is Steinmart? I didn't know either. But apparently, Stein Mart is like a northeast version of one of these stores. It's like apparently, according to our friend Lisa Timmons, it's sort of on par with Tuesday

Mornings. Oh, I've heard of Tuesday Mornings. Tuesday Mornings is great. Yeah. So we actually went in there and Stein Mart was fantastic. And I was just so happy that I could participate and take pictures of some classic Tamara Barney, Jacqueline Lareda, Gretchen Rossi home decor essentials. The stuff you posted was hilarious, but I will say this. Nothing in the world was funnier than the breakdown that you did of Gretchen Rossi's house room by room with bullets and captions.

I mean I – to this day, I am pissing my pants. And the readers should know, the listeners should know, these albums are ever-evolving. We are going to continue to put more photos into these albums. All of us will contribute to it. What did you think of the retro Facebook covers that I put up? I mean, what about the ode to Lynn Curtin with her bedazzled cuffline? You know, I love that, Matt, but I would like to pick a bone with you.

Uh-oh. Are you going to give me shit for posting the sheer genius logo? No, never for that. I'm going to give you shit for posting Bethany's stupid thing. Okay, it's one thing to post Bethany up there on the cover, but it was actually like a promotional thing that you put up there it was like tune in in september i i just could not get behind that matt i could not get behind us endorsing people to tune into her talk show in september we're watching it guess what because that's not on bravo but we're adding it to our slate of must watches here's the thing if you're gonna put up a photo of bethany i want it to be one of those ones where she's doing weird googly

eyes or something like that but this one was ones where she's doing weird googly eyes or something like that but this one was like when she was doing the lydia before lydia came to town oh yeah the pre-lydia um but other than that i've loved all your cover photos matt great great curation so this cover photo that's on now a quad did did you make that? No, I stole it from Bravo. Okay, that's a good one, too. That's actually a great one. Ronnie, I can't do, like, lettering like that. Are you kidding?

I thought you had done it, Ronnie. No! That low-down dirt is scoundrel, honey! Well, the best part is that actually the dirt part of dirty is covered up by our logo, so it looks like it just says, A low-down e-scoundrel. I know so it looks like it just says, Hello, Downy Scoundrel. No, it's like she joined the Real Housewives of Miami. I hate him.

Or we've got so many gay listeners, maybe it just looks like a low-down Y scoundrel. It's like just somebody who hangs out at the Y all day. Stealing from the lockers. We would all know. Oh, we would know. Stealing glimpses from the locker room oh my goodness so do we have any good gossip this week

yeah alright can you share some of it would that be too much to ask well I did want to say one thing about the Bethany show I think we should all support it because you know it's going to piss stupid Jill Zarin off and she'll go spatting off at the mouth. Jill Zarin who now has some sort of jewelry line. Which was another cover photo I posted but she has a jewelry line.

I thought that she was just making those like fake Spanx knockoffs for Macy's but she actually has a tacky ass jewelry line as well. But I agree with what Ronnie said. Anything that pisses Jill Zarin off, we're supporting. Yeah, totally. You could see the hot glue gun glue coming through those fake jewels on that. I mean that's some ugly-ass jewelry. You know, at my taste level when it comes to jewelry – it's not so much my taste level. But my ability to discern good jewelry from bad jewelry is really at a Gretchen Rossi level.

So I'm sorry to say – You're not a category expert. I don't know. I don't know what's – I think I know it's good jewelry. But if I saw bad jewelry, I might not know that it's bad. So I really can't comment. And by the way, speaking of jewelry, I'm sorry to cut you off, Ronnie. But someone posted this.

I've got to find this. I've got to find this. Where is it? Okay. You know what? You talk. I'm going to find it. It's on our Facebook page. Where is it? Okay. You know what? You talk. I'm going to find it. It's on our Facebook page.

You guys keep talking. Oh, wait. I found it. Okay. Okay. This is from Kathleen Donahue Becker. She posted it on our page. A screenshot from Gretchen Rossi from her Twitter.

And someone has asked Gretchen, you wear the best jewelry and accessories in your RHOC interviews. Very good shop. And Gretchen responds, thanks. A lot at TJ Maxx. Oh, my God. Second week in a row. Hey, stop it. Even the dogs agree.

Gretchen Ross has terrible jewelry tastes. The post office guy had the nerve to come while we were doing our podcast. Dogs cannot just not bark. I love that the post office guy is called the post office guy and not the mailman. Yeah. It's called respect. Don't be racist. No, it's because it's not the mailman.

It's actually someone who just works in the post office and is just coming by to say hi. Well, Ronnie actually does live two doors up from the post office that's true and you live near the scary russian post office yeah true you know you can just say the russian post office because there's no such scary as implied right there's no such thing as the fun and sweet and charming russian post office i used to live that's gonna make our quotes of the week. I used to live by the Armenian post office, and trust me, the Russian one is way, way easier to do. They're not like, I need to

insure this for $18 million. They're like, it's a $5 box. It goes anywhere for $5. You can't insure it for $15 million. Yeah, and by the way, we continue to love the quotes of the week from, I think her name is Emmy. I said last week it was Emily.

I'm looking her up now. So many people write on our Facebook page that it takes – Oh, my god. People – OK. Now that we're starting to talk about our users in the podcast, now we're starting to get some hate mail up on the Facebook page where you're like, you mispronounced my name or you forgot to mention me. You mentioned everybody but me. Well, you guys really do suck at names, both of you. There is this girl, Emmy.

I'm trying to find. I mean, there's so many things that people have posted. Oh, gosh. I don't know. While you're searching for that, I will say. Emmy McAdams-Burbano, who has a great name. I think that's her. If not, I just gave a shout out to some random other Emmy.

That is a housewife name. I know. Burbano. She has to join. She has to join she has to join oc um she posted like her favorite quotes of the week and um i have to say she does a great job it is hilarious and then this other girl was like no you're referring to me and her name is like lindsey or lily or something like that no i was referring to emmy and good job emmy good job both of you guys okay so here's the first

piece um kyle richards wants to have another baby gross stop it have you seen your hands you're older than a tree stop it so she needs to stop and i was reading on this isn't really gossip but i wanted to share it with you anyway i was reading the facebook the other day, and Leah Black was on there. And I guess she started doing this advice to fans thing. And so, because I've seen her giving a lot of advice, so I screenshotted this one so I could read it to you guys. I'm doing your 30-day cleanse, and so far so good. I'm trying to lose about 20 pounds before my class reunion. So far I lost four.

Any advice besides lipo? That's just a big shit yeah yes i think you are awesome you and tamra are my favorite housewives off facebook spelling yes i've done my own version of body wraps epsom salt and water makes a base type substance apply and wrap and saran wrap and it'll help get rid of some of the surface water retention. Or you could purchase for ten dollars plastic pants and tops at Target or Kmart type places and wear over your leggings around the house. And then when you're done with them just tear them off. If you don't like your body get a sledgehammer and tear it down. Start all over.

And if that doesn't work, just go to the plastic surgeon and get your lipo in it and invoice them later. And remember, have fun. Calm down. Get Frida. Frida's my personal trainer. I'm always racing around after her. I pay her by giving her pigtails every morning braiding her hair i miss leah i can't wait for miami to come back i want it back so badly

um yeah they're apparently already going crazy over there in miyajami they're already like getting the cops are already involved i believe oh really well Well, you know, Joe Francis was just convicted for like... Like taxes? No, no. Like beating a girl and abducting her two friends to his mansion. So I don't know if we're going to see him on the next season. But my first thought was Lee

being like, well, I just like interesting people. You know, convicts, people who abduct people and punch them in the face. They're fun. I see no problem with it. So he went to jail. Big deal. Donate money to my husband and we'll represent him.

How fun is that? I love Leah. Leah, if you're listening, we love you. And don't take this as criticism of you. We love you. Right, Matt? Right, Matt? Right, Matt? Of course.

I'm obsessed with Miami and I love that these women are willing to go the extra mile and all while they're getting paid about one-tenth of NeNe Leakes' salary. Yes. And they're ten times more entertaining. Speaking of salaries, there was another report that came out yesterday. A few weeks ago it was announced that Nene is making a million dollars for the next season of Atlanta, which in a weird way she deserves because Atlanta gets such higher ratings than the rest of these shows on Bravo and all of the Housewives franchises. But it was also released some of the other ladies' salaries, which I thought was really, really interesting. I was happy to see that The Countess pulls in about five hundred thousand dollars per season along with ramona and i was convinced that ramona was going to like demand some way that she make more money than the countess but they do treat um the ogs uh apparently with more respect and with bigger

bucks so luann and ramona bring down about 500K, as does Vicky. Teresa, though, from New Jersey, because she's such a crazy pants, she brings down about 650,000. Do you think that that kind of makes sense, that Teresa makes more than some of the original gangstas? Yeah, people really like her. I mean, yeah, it's weird that people like her. Well, people like her maybe for different reasons. And I have to say, this horrifies me to to confess this i had a dream on sunday that i was related to theresa and that i went to her house for thanksgiving and caroline was there and there was a huge brawl and it was horrifying to be part of it oh no did someone

terrible did someone tell caroline that her bra doesn't fit like in the preview for Real Housewives of New Jersey because that's that was not cute no no one did do you guys want to go over the jersey preview now or do you want to wait till later oh yeah let's do it now okay so there's a new preview for jersey it's a couple of minutes long and I have to warn you a lot of it is visual so I'm going to I watched the first 30 seconds um and I i'll tell you even before it starts that there's a part where you hear you hear the little uh little melania they're all in a limo and she's playing on a pole in the middle of the limo and she goes look i'm melissa on the pole the fact that the producers are now feeding lines to the children that are despicable. I mean, I died.

These people are all a lost cause. And unfortunately, in 30 million years from now, this is going to be the one relic of our civilization that will somehow survive. And they're going to all think we're like the Manzos and the Luritas and the Gorgas and the Judices. It's terrible. Okay. So here it is. I'm going to be fair since you guys can't see it either. I'm going to not watch it. I'm just going to play the soundorgas. And the Jew Dices. It's terrible. Okay, so here it is. I'm going to be fair since you guys can't see it either. I'm going to not watch it.

I'm just going to play the sound, okay? Okay. This season on The Real Housewives of New Jersey. Can you hear it okay? Such a pussy. Such a pussy. All right, we got one. One, you have to get up.

This makes no sense and it makes so much sense. It's better without the visuals. It's better. I swear to God, this is amazing. I'm going to take all the socks out of his room. Oh my God. Good morning. I'm going to take all the socks out of his room. Oh my God. Good morning.

Oh no, wait a minute. What? This is the smart way. I'm Melissa. I love you. It's family. We got to stay together. Oh, it's so strange. I can't regret things that I've done.

Loyalty, respect, love, trust. Can I ask you something? Were you abused? I don't like being a somatic. I can't change. This is just a hard thing to talk about. Did you ever think we'd be here two years later? Come on.

After this, we're never fighting again. Okay. We have to meet each other halfway, if we're ever to make this work. I don't want to get my balls broke. Just shut the f*** up. I'm worried about you and dad. You can't wish and fix everybody's problems away. Somebody said that you've been cheating on your husband.

Somebody said that. That's what I want to f***ing see. You know, Teresa said, you know, you don't know the real Melissa. You know what? Maybe I don't. I gave her a taste of her own medicine. Are you kidding me? My parents come to the house and they look at you like you're the devil. I'm kind of in a stress because of Jacqueline.

I'll take that. Hi. Are you talking to me because you're guilty? Snatch that phone, Jackie. Snatch that phone. Really, the voices of angels. Rosie. Someone starting a weed whacker? Or... To learn more about the Real Housewives, go to BravoTV.com. So there you have it. So I predict there's going to be a big fight about egg salad. Oh, well, if someone even tries to touch Lauren's egg salad, I mean, of course there'll be a fight.

A monumental brawl. It'll be like when you're playing a video game and you reach the boss, you know? Or you reach Bowser, and it's Bowser protecting the princess, except the princess is played by Egg Salad. Listen, I have to say, I previously had seen that trailer, and it was a great trailer to watch, but hearing just the audio really highlighted how dumb these people are and how strange they sound. And I love that the editors, it's like the only sentence they even put in of Midget Joe is, I have done dat.

It was just like, there were parts where it did sound like Jurassic Park. Because it was like, you hear Teresa's high-pitched squeaking, which is like a velociraptor. And then you hear Rosie's grunting, which is like the T-Rex. I mean, all that's missing is Sir Richard Attenborough. You are wrong because the other thing that's missing is no Kim D or Kim G. Oh, don't you worry.

There will be Kim D. There was the big Posh fight, right? Posh 2? Yeah, I think there's Poo-Hoo-Loo. Posh 2, Electric Poo-Hoo-Loo did go down. But like, I think there's Poo-Hoo-Loo. Posh 2, Electric Poo-Hoo-Loo did go down, but I'm sorry. She actually does look like a T-Rex meets Triceratops. I don't even know what the difference between those.

She's like the Dilapidosaurus. She looks like Sally Kellerman after swallowing a meathead. She has the big things that come out of her cheeks, which is what happens every time you go into the posh salon. Get a sink thrown in your face. You know, before I said that this is the show that's going to wind up in the time capsule

that civilizations 30 million years from now are going to base our lives on. And the sad thing is that when they make their own version of Jurassic Park then, they're going to clone these families and put them in a park somewhere. And tourists are going to come and look at them in jeeps they should it'll be like it'll be uh Teresa's husband trying to shove his dick in your face which I think was something that happened in that preview they were talking about jerking off the kids talking about strippers all I can think about is this season is going to be airing when I'm home in Texas for the

summer and I cannot wait to watch this with my drunk mother playing canasta behind me, having a fit. I'm having audio issues. Is anyone else having audio issues? Is that just me? No, I just hear you coughing, and that's pretty much it. Okay, good. Yeah, you're just coughing and pretending I'm not even here. Well, no, the thing is I'm talking because I'm not hearing anyone, so I think

I have the floor. But then it occurs to me, maybe I'm just talking over everyone. Ben, you always have the floor. Come on, girl. Matt, you are so generous. Yeah, we're going to put your face on the floor just so we can walk around on it. I just want to make sure for the listeners at home,

if it sounds crazy because I'm just talking non-stop, it's because I think I have the floor, even if I don't. Real Housewives. I'm Googling Real Housewives. Kenya Moore, returning to Real Housewives of Atlanta, if the money's right. Shut up. If the money's right. I think her quote is $2, so yeah.

Totally. She'll do it for like YouTube advertising dollars. She's cheap ass. What did you guys hear about this new lady that's joining Beverly Hills? I don't think that the ink has dried on the Lisa Renna rumors, but there's some chick named Carlton Gebbia. Her name is Carlton? Her name is Carlton and is not Alfonso Ribeiro. Yeah, she's named after a butler.

Are we sure it's not Alfonso Ribeiro in a wig? Isn't Carlton a butler from a TV show? No, Carlton is Alfonso Ribeiro in a wig. Isn't Carlton a butler from a TV show? No, Carlton is Alfonso Ribeiro. Jeffrey is the butler. Oh. Well, Carlton. Ben would know. I would know.

I pay attention to these things. Well, Perez is reporting that Lisa Rinna is not joining Beverly Hills. Hmm. Like, we trust that great ape. Yeah. Yeah. let's show him yeah i was actually reading that news about this carlton chick on some lame website i don't remember which one i'm the only reason it was lame is because the commenters were like oh she's english don't get along she'll get along great with lisa i mean like a hundred commenters sign on to say that the

english famously always get along with everyone Especially themselves Yeah they've both got funny accents They're gonna love each other Fucking idiots I hope that she's cockney I will need to put on my What do you call that

The thing on the TV where it spells the words out Closed captions Those things Should we get to the shows I think the gossip is spells the word. Closed captions. Those things. Those things. Should we get to the shows? Yeah, because this news sucks. The gossip sucks. There's nothing going on. The gossip sucks this week.

I hate it. I did go see Kathy Griffin at the Dolby Theater on Saturday night. How was it? It was fantastic as usual. She did talk about Bravo canceling her talk show, Kathy. She said that they wouldn't actually say that it was canceled. The terminology

they use is, we're choosing not to bring it back because the word canceled is too negative apparently for even the evil monsters that run Bravo. But that she had a great time doing it. What else did she say? She definitely talked about I thought she was going to talk a lot about

atlanta but she didn't even go there she was really just talking about vicky gunvalson's face okay um and that's all i need to say because that's vicky's face is just wow was her was was her take on it better or worse than slade's because slade slade is he was pretty funny i mean i'm i'm shocked his stand-up career hasn't taken off. You're really surprised. I actually never thought that Vicky looked like Miss Piggy, and I think she actually looks worse now, so

I don't know. Anyway, Kathy was great. She really didn't dive too deep into the Bravo stuff, which was surprising. She never looked like Miss Piggy. She always looked like Snuffleupagus with a shaved face. And there's my quote of the week. Emmy, write that down. Emmy Barbato.

She has the same eyes. I always try and look at the eyes, but she's got those kind of same tired, sad eyes. Have you guys seen Amy Phillips doing Vicky yet? No, I haven't looked at that video yet. That's really, that's actually really really funny because she just does her like as a total downer and she's like i used to be like and now i'm just like woohoo which is so true because that's that's all i can see now she's she's under construction oh my god

that's all i can see now when i listen to uh when I listen to her on TV because she's just always talking like this now. Oh. Her spark will come back. Her spark. Well, why don't we talk about OC since we're already talking about Vicky? Okay. Woo-hoo. Woo-hoo.

Woo-hoo. Woo-hoo. Oh, wow. It's like the river to Lake Havasu has just dried up. You start. It's like all the footballs Havasu has just dried up. You start. It's like all the footballs are just careening past Vicky's face instead of hitting it. You guys start. Is this where we talk about how much I hate Heather?

You know, why don't we start there? I was just going to go in order of the show. Okay, you do that. You do that. No, no, no. Typically, I'm the taskmaster who demands that we go and order on my notes. But because you did notes this week, I'm going to let you control it. No, I actually think we should start with Heather because I think that was the biggest takeaway of this episode.

And then we'll go and order. Okay. Well, my big takeaway was they went to a fake restaurant that was really a CPK that they switched the name on the outside of the building of. Which is also what all the restaurants in Orange County are. There were former CPKs that then lost their franchise, but they were too cheap to change the signs. They sort of changed like one word in it, like California pizza klatch with a K.

Right. I mean, that was a CPK. And they showed the outside signage and it was not CPK, but that was CPK. Most likely. Well, as Tamara said, said you know if you want the good restaurants you gotta go to new york oh like she would know she's such a tammy sue is such a classy bitch i love what the the actual quote was if you want to be flat-chested and have good restaurants go back to new york and she said it as if like good restaurants was a pejorative thing

like that like oh yeah you know what You want your fucking good restaurants? Whatever. Go back to crazy town. Yeah. Like, we don't care about food here. Yeah. Like, crazy. We just care about fitness. Cut fitness. Yeah. So anyway, you were saying, Matt, about Heather.

That I have always hated Heather. And last season when she joined Real Housewives of Orange County, you had her back. I did. Ronnie actually kind of fell in the middle slash was a little bit more on my side, but if anything, last night, everybody should be on board with the fact that Heather is so evil and so stupid and just such

a pain in the fucking ass. This isn't about you. This is about hot in Cleveland. That was the best quote of that whole episode. I was dying. I know. That almost supplanted, this isn't about you. This is about the children who don't have any legs.

Which is like, I mean, come on. It's like talking about the same thing. It's on par with Hot in Cleveland. Yeah. I even watched Hot in Cleveland. It's on something. I don't know. TV Land.

TV Land. Oh, it's on demand. You can watch TV Land on demand. And I watched the first season and loved it. And then I don't know what happened to. TV Land. Oh, it's on demand. You can watch TV Land on demand. And I watched the first season and loved it. And then I don't know what happened to that show, but it was bad. It was really, really bad. I couldn't even get to the part where Heather was on. And even Valerie Bertinelli knows it bad.

She's even getting fat again. Here's a bold statement. Are you ready for this? This is fucking – this is bad. I love any bold statement relating to Hot in Cleveland. Yeah, me too. fucking this is bad i love any bold statement relating to hot in cleveland yeah me too i would in a split second trade betty white in for room mcclanahan or b arthur oh you know how dare you how dare you sir maybe b arthur well i have you know what i would do i would trade in jane leaves

for room mcclanahan um i would trade in valerieinelli for, I don't know, maybe Bea Arthur. And I'd trade in Wendy Malick for... How about Estelle Getty? And then you'd have all four of them. That'd be a perfect show. They should do that. Maybe get some cheesecake? Set it in Miami. Take it to say hot in Miami.

You guys, you can't do that because those ladies are dead. That is going to be the worst show ever. You're going to be like, we're not there. Wouldn't it be awesome if they brought the show back and they did zombie Golden Girls? Oh, my God. And it's just all holograms of them as zombies. It's like cheesecake made out of babies.

Listen, by the way, I just want to go back to the fact that Ronnie watched Hot in Cleveland on demand because I love using the word demand with Hot in Cleveland. Because that's the only time that show has ever been in demand. Well, let me promise you that the first season is hilarious. And maybe it's because I really was missing – Ronnie, Ronnie, don't you watch the majority – Maybe it's because I was missing the building girls. You watch the majority of TV High. So, I mean, you need to make that clear.

I don't. That show cannot be good if you're not stoned. Yeah. Well, I don't know. I was stoned last night and it wasn't good. So apparently something else has changed. Are you about to go on a tangent and say, well, you know what? They switched writers in season three.

I think they did. No, I think they did in season two because when I was in Texas, I showed showed it to my parents and started with season two and they were like uh thanks for the advice that's terrible turn on the housewives my favorite part about hot in cleveland is that on happy endings max wrote a tv spec of hot in cleveland that's my favorite hilarious my other problem is that the betty white character's name is el, and as everybody knows, the only person on TV named Elka is Elka from the real world Boston. Yes. Season seven, I want to say, which was after Seattle or was that – no, Boston was six, which was after Miami and before Seattle. So that's the only Elka in my life.

Boston, yeah. Yes. I agree, Matt. We are totally on that same wavelength. And I love that half of our listeners right now are going like, oh my god. I love that these guys love vintage real world. I love that the other half are maybe like, wait, there was a real world before Las Vegas? Before Trishel came to town and spread her pussy juice all over?

And then there's another portion that's just like, what is the real world? And wait, I'm going back. Did you just say Trishel spread her pussy juice everywhere? I'm trying to outquote you bitches. I think that is going on Emmy's board. Emmy Barbano. I called her Barbudo or Barbado before. She's Emmy Barbano, I think.

Either way, we'll just call her Emmy. Emmy Rossum. Emmy Rossum Barbado. So getting back to Heather, though. So they went to this restaurant To celebrate her landing Don't get it twisted She landed a role on Hot in Cleveland

Which is the funniest thing to say You guys I landed a role on Hot in Cleveland Did you see the way that she said it When the guy called her when she was out shopping She was like do I have to try out for it It's just kind of like the same way She was about being on

the cover of lydia's magazine she's like i'm only doing it if i get the cover i'm only going to take this role if i don't have to audition for it guess what bitch you are not an oscar or emmy winning actress she's only going to take hot in cleveland if they film it in her house and don't touch any of her cakes oh actually anyway get away from that cake bow actually i think she was shocked that she didn't have to audition. I think she was saying like, oh, so did you get me an audition? He was like, no, they just offered it to you. And she's like, oh, my God, they must have seen me on that Jenny McCarthy show.

Like, you know, this has nothing to do with desperate ratings grab from a show that only has people watching it in like old folks homes and like my house. I think she was just shocked that they were offering her a role and not a job as a pa she's like i sent them samples of my sandwiches i totally thought they were gonna hire me for crafts this is amazing so anyway in all fairness even though we shit on hot in cleveland it's actually if you're an actor or an actress it's a big deal to get a to get a guest gig on a TV show. So that was a big deal. Are you dating somebody now that just got a guesting

role on one of these shows and you're trying to impress him? If I were, do you think I'd be so quiet about it? I'd be like, hey guys, I'm dating someone who's a little bit famous. That's right, and you would post it all over your Instagram. I'd be like, oh, look at me and my sort of famous boyfriend. No, obviously I'm not. I'm not dating

anyone single. I'm like the single girl. I'm like Caroline. Caroline, what's her face? Caroline the City. What am I talking about? I am going crazy. This is what happens to me on coffee. You are nothing like Leah Thompson in the mid to late 90s.

Whoa, what did I miss? I went to get some green tea. What happened was the coffee kicked in all of a sudden and I took it to a very strange place very quickly. And you sound like you're about to cry, which is making me very nervous. I am about to cry. No, so anyway, so they go out to dinner,

Heather and Terry and the kids. No, three of the children who then brought their nasty-ass homework and spread it all over the dining room table. That does not fly in my house. Yeah, and by the way, thank you. I think it was Nicole. Nicole Johanrand, one of our favorite listeners.

Please refer to her as NJR. NJR, who says, wow. Her name is Nicole Johanrand. She says, wow. Bringing your kids to a restaurant to do their homework, fighting in front of them, all while being filmed by a camera crew. Parents of the year. Could not agree more. My parents did that.

We did our homework in restaurants. My parents fought with each other. We even got beat in the restaurant. What's the point? But did your parents allow it to be filmed? No, but those whores would have allowed it if there had been cameras back then. So let's back up.

In the 1840s. Yeah, we used to have to draw each other so the point is this so the kids are doing homework at the table fine so then um heather's like well i gotta go do this shoot for hot in cleveland which means it's gonna be five days away so terry you're gonna have to take them to school and he like rolls his eyes which i thought was hilarious and then he that's not really what pissed her off. What pisses Heather off is that he says to the daughter jokingly, hey, kids, how about you guys stay up late and then we don't go to school the next day? And Heather was like, that's not funny.

That's not funny. I'm like – Nothing is funny in Heather's world because she is boring. funny in heather's world because she is boring you know why nothing is funny to her because she bases humor on her experience on the jenny mccarthy show to her that's funny right and guess what and they didn't allow her to do math problems on the jenny mccarthy show therefore it's not funny when you um suggest that she is not as strong in math as you are yeah i'm like heather if you were good at math um why aren't you a mathematician oh snap why aren't you a math teacher like toya from marriage medicine who knew oh my god it kills me

that heather's little saying in the beginning is you think blondes have more fun whoever says blondes have more fun apparently hasn't met me because that's what i think of when i think of you is fun lots yeah i think about you know letting those jokes roll off your back yeah i think about nagging my husband at you know constantly uh making lobster and uh not letting my children stay up late because that sounds like a hell of a lot of fun yeah and i love she says the thing about uh i don't know what it was like everything she was pissed off about and then she kept on saying, that was so rude. That was so rude. Well, you know what?

Maybe if you let him have an onion ring once in a while, maybe he wouldn't be as rude. No kidding. And then she goes – Go ahead. No, go ahead. No, you go ahead. Oh, no. You.

Please. Go ahead. Yes. No, I'm good. I was just going to say in her defense, her husband is fucking with her all the time, which'm good. I was just going to say, in her defense, her husband is fucking with her all the time, which I love. He knows that he's pissing her off. It's not like he's, he acts like he's completely,

he's like, what, babe? I am sorry, babe. Listen, I lay down my life to you. I, my heart is on the table right now. That's how much I apologize. I'm a Cleveland motherfucker. What was that terry what no babe did i hurt your feelings i'm sorry babe and over and over it goes so she kind of i see

where she's coming from but it's you know it's really fun to watch her get tortured and i can't wait till they get divorced yay four children without a without a together home what i liked though is that then she turns to us and she says quote this is about me and hot in Cleveland and I don't ask a lot for myself you know but for this I'm like you don't ask a lot from yourself

how about you ask for a cake that doesn't get eaten you ask for no onion rings you ask for a giant chateau on a cliff you ask for like his and her bathrooms you ask for a whole new house to be built because the new baby has to be downstairs and can't be upstairs. You ask for every single

thing all the time and he provides it all. No kidding. You ask for everything. You've got an elevator in your house and your face looks like your favorite gerbil. Don't tell me you don't ask for anything. You guys, the more they show her face, I cannot stop thinking about how much she looks like a deranged gerbil.

Her eyes won't close properly. They just stay really wide open, but they're real beady and rat-like. I think she looks like the Cheshire Cat. No, because she has kind of pretty eyes. An animania. Mixed with, like, a heart. She has a very heart-shaped face. Actually, I could just picture her coming out of the WB water tank, and it was kind of cute.

You made me like, you gave me a soft spot for her. And by that, i take it back so um the point is this heather is being very grating she's becoming like um the mom or the wife and everybody loves raymond you know around season four when she stopped being funny and just started to become like an awful nag that made us hate women. Don't get me started on Patty Heaton. I won't. The one who has no belly button. She who has no belly button. She who is still freaking working.

What the hell? And a crazy conservative. Oh, she is? Oh, yeah. That's why I'm not a big fan. Really? Why? You don't like conservatives? She hates us. And she has no belly button. She can't be complaining that gay marriage is unnatural when you have

erased your belly button. By plastic surgery. Let's be fair here. It's not only Republicans who hate us. A lot of people hate us. Come on. To be honest with you, after watching the first episode of Newlyweds, which we'll get to, I hate us too because, again, more horrible gay people on reality TV. Exactly.

Exactly. Bravo is furthering the conservative cause. So I hate that. But let's talk about horrible straight people here. So why don't we go to the beginning of the episode. Wait, wait. I have to say one last thing about Heather. I'm sorry to interrupt.

No, no. Please. I just have to say that one of the funniest things ever during their little fight was, I don't know if this is when they got to the restaurant or when they were on their way, but you know, she was like, I have been busy all day. And he goes, yeah, what at the pumpkin patch? And

you know what? She got really pissed. But you know what though? She just shouldn't be pissed because when we saw a nanny at the pumpkin patch at a nanny and spent half her time on a cell phone and her kids are crying like, mommy, mommy, mommy. And she just barely seems to care. You know what? I'm starting to think that Heather is a bad mom.

Based on what I saw of her at the synagogue and her crying baby and then the way like her baby is screaming in the backseat and now at the pumpkin patch, she's a bad mom. I'm putting it out there. She's a bad mom. Happy Mother's Day, bad mom. You know what we should do? Bad mom. You know what we should do? Bad mom. We should, on our Facebook page, you guys, in honor of the upcoming holiday being Mother's Day on Sunday the 12th, let's put together our list of the top ten worst housewives' mothers. Wait, but we love all the – oh, I mean the housewives that are mothers.

Because all the moms – The housewives that are mothers that are terrible. Because all the moms are great. Did you just stand outside to take a smoke? No, I didn't. You're like peeing out your window while you're answering that. I was pouring my Brita into a cup. I was pouring myself some water. With caffeine in it?

Water. Water. Water. Water. That goes really good with Shari's Barry. Shari's Barry. I'm so embarrassed that you guys heard me pouring my Brita. It sounded like me peeing. Okay, Heather's horrible. Let's move on, what else happened? So, let's go back to the beginning of the episode We saw Alexis and Jim

At the end of the night, Alexis was taking off her makeup And I was shocked, I was like, I can't believe Alexis Is letting us see her take off her makeup But then, she didn't take it all off I was like, uh There's like a whole other layer under there Like she takes it off and then there's the base makeup And then there's the base of the base.

It was like one of those like those like HGTV shows or something where they're like scraping away the layers and then they discover another painting underneath behind the wall. And then Genevieve pops out and goes, wait, we're still remodeling. No, that little that little new girl on there, that little girl who does the rehab. Hey, I'm doing the dollar house now. I'm going to make this place look new. Just because for the love of it, guys. So Alexis was complaining about the party again, Tamara and everything. And she was like, Jim was like, you shouldn't have gone.

And she's like, well, now I know I shouldn't have gone. She's like, if I could have gone back in time and told my present self about my past self. I mean, my past self about my present self, I mean – she's so stupid. Like the way she – I'm pretty inarticulate, OK? But she makes me look like a wordsmith. You are not inarticulate. No, I'm very inarticulate especially when I'm on caffeine. Ben, you used the word pejorative earlier. I think that you're an all-star yeah you know but i ramble i use big words in a

rambling fashion it's just the truth i know it's my challenge ben on coffee is crazier than the three of us drunk i'm not even i'm not even kidding welcome this is what my friends always say i'm finally letting you guys into this i am crazy on coffee Tiago on Hollywood and La Brea That coffee shop I'm telling you they serve up crack That's where I go Wait that's right in my neighborhood Oh we're neighbors yes I'll go there Someone put a really good Alexis quote on our Facebook

But I can't find it My favorite quote was when She's like you know the bible tells us To turn the cheek And she goes how many cheeks is too many turns? Like, that makes no sense. She is such a dumbass. This is how used to it.

This is how used to that dumbass I get. Because I listened to her say that. And she said, you know, screw me once. Oh, no. It wasn't that saying. It's when she goes, screw me once. Shame on you. If you screw me twice, shame on me. If you screw me twice, shame on me.

Shame on you. Whoa, she said it right. That's like she's at least smarter than one of our presidents, so that's good. Things that I cannot unsee, Jim in flannel pajama pants. Jim in anything, really. You just can't unsee Jim Bellino. Oh, we got your flannels, honey. We got your flannels. It's flannel in Orange, really. You just can't unsee Jim Bellino. He is. Oh, I got your flannels, honey. We got your flannels.

It's flannel in Orange fucking County. And I love that he keeps saying things like, I don't understand why you're putting yourself in that situation, Alexis. Why are you hanging out with those horrible women? Because my husband can't make a fucking living to save his life. And because my entrepreneur husband has like 20 different jobs that suck our bank account dry and someone has to pay the bills motherfucker exactly well actually the the really the the the thing that came out of this interaction for me was that you know she's saying here like saying how the bible says you should forgive and turn the other cheek whatever and

he's like you know i think you're taking the scripture a little bit too literally. I'm like, oh, wait a second. Wait a second. All of a sudden, Mr. Strict Interpretation now thinks that she's being too loose, like too strict. Like, OK, if you're suddenly down for loose interpretations, then now everything that you stand for is now falling apart. All this, like the wife should be doing this and the man should be doing that. Shut up, Jim Bellino. Yeah, he's like, yeah, put the Bible aside and i think that he's i think he's just eased up i think that now he has a grapefruit patch in his backyard i think that he has seen the light and he's just relaxing and his rules are are softening right now alexis he's a gardener he has a green thumbnail alexis is like first of

all we don't have grapefruits because those do not look like grapes and second of all why are lemons so huge? Jimbalino is learning what the first Christian who touched Jesus Christ's abs learned. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, played by HBO's Industries' Myhala Harold, a brilliant scholarship student who has to quickly adapt to her newfound eat-or-be-eaten world. Ava's ambitions take hold and her small-town values break in hopes of becoming the first scholarship student to make The List, Bishop Gray's all-coveted academic top 10, curated by the headmaster himself. But after realizing she

has no chance at The List on her own, she reluctantly accepts an invitation to a secret underground society that pulls the strings on campus life and academic success. If she bends to their will, she'll have everything she's ever dreamed of. But at what cost? Academy takes you into the world of a cutthroat private school where power, money, and sex

collide in a game of life and death. Follow Academy on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Academy early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Academy early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus. From Wondery, this is Black History For Real. I'm Francesca Ramsey.

And I'm Conscious Lee. What do most people think about when they hear the words Black History? Rosa Parks, Reconstruction, MLK, February, Black History Month. Exactly, exactly. There are so many stories of Black History that we just are not really talking about or thinking about, especially outside of February. And we are about to flip the script on all of that. Because on this show, you're going to hear a little less In August 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. And a little bit more.

She is a heroine to some. As a fighter for black rights, she is a villain to others. Follow Black History for Real on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen everywhere on February 5th or you can listen early

and ad-free on Wondery Plus starting January 29th. Join Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Black is beautiful. he has his chin in he's had a you know a year of chin maybe he just had a lot of anxiety about his you know his really bad face and now he feels more confident about it and he's eased up in life or maybe the trampolines just is a way that he just he just unwinds you know it's like i could be all stressed about this but i could go to sky zone and just bounce it out of me yeah alexis you want to try and learn how to jump on the trampoline again today? No? Okay, we'll do it another day. She's like, I don't go to the trampolines because they bully me. Those trampolines bully me.

I try to step on them and they, like, shoot me up in the air. I'm like, stop bullying me like that, okay? I'm just trying to walk here. She is so stupid. So someone has to die? Someone has to die on the trampoline for someone to realize what Sky Zone's all about? I'm sure plenty of people die at Sky Zone every day.

We need to make a musical for Alexis about how everybody's so mean to her. Mean! Everybody's so mean to me. We should do a musical, and the entire podcast will be a musical. I'm in. Housewives the musical.

No, sorry, our friend. You know, why the fuck? How dare you? Who does that? Every single time I podcast, this is the one hour of the week that my fucking landline rings. I'm so annoyed.

Who is it? Call them and tell them you're not buying it. Is it a booty call? Is it a booty call? I think it's my college calling for donations. Oh, fuck that. I still owe you people money.

Get out of here. Yeah, how about if I had money to give, I wouldn't be doing a podcast. No kidding. Oh my god, I'm totally trying to listen in on whoever is leaving a message on Ben's answering machine. Well, the answering machine is very quiet, so I don't know. We'll see. Okay, so going on from there the other big thing this episode was that we met lydia's mom and i just have to say by the way i think i love lydia i think lydia is awesome i think she's sweet i think she's funny i think she actually has a good

perspective on things i think her mom is kooky in a way that we haven't seen other real half-size moms. I just – and I love that Lydia's mom, shocker, smoked pot every single day growing up. And then Lydia says that's the reason why she turned to religion because she needed some instruction in her life. And I thought that was actually a really refreshing thing to hear. A lot of times you have people like Alexis who are saying they're just Christian just because they're following what their husbands are doing. I thought it was sort of an informed or

interesting way to turn to religion. That's what religion should be for, I think, to maybe provide something in your life. Oh my god, what is happening to Ben? Listen, let me have a moment of intellectual thought. Ben's coming down. The coffee's wearing off guys um i felt really bad for her because basically she said 30 times that her mom was a drug addict and

did like you know basically avoided her her whole life and then her mom is really terrible and just really desperate to obviously be on tv and trying to be as wacky as possible and putting glitter on people it's like bitch um you're you're pretending to be a hippie but then you're dropping three thousand dollars on clothes and you won't take a bag because that's wasteful fuck off and wear less patterns you're hurtful to look at i'm sorry ronnie but that is very real what is i'm a vegetarian who loves leather products um so walking contradictions in southern california just that's what happens you, Matt, but you do not pretend to be anything that you are not. That woman pretends to be like all hippie dippy. And like,

she does it as a fucking character. It's stupid. It's like, I pretend to be classy and I'm really white trash. Well, that's true. And it's, it's just fun to watch you fail as it,

as it was her, but well, it was definitely a show, but the show I enjoyed, and I felt like it's actually an aspect of California that is not covered on these shows, which are the crazy pot-smoking people out here.

That none of us are, of course. But you know, I think it's, I mean, that lady, like, she just gave me the heebies. I did not like her. I live right down the street from Whole Foods, as I've mentioned, so I'm always in there every day eating. And this is the Whole Foods asshole that I hate. It's these rich people who drive up in their Jag, but everything, you know, they refuse to wear hair product, and everything is just so la-di-da.

They're a hippie and they're a tree hugger. That's like their religion, you know? That's their gross newborn again or whatever the hell it is. I so sick of it everybody just stop it stop needing that right go back to please go back to driving suvs enough with these priuses and i love also she's like a bag is a tree a bag is a tree well what if what do you think you're smoking all the time granted not trees but they're plants like you're you're actually smoking part of nature yeah you're actually like furthering the cartels who are ruining the fucking world right now and chopping off heads of families and shit and what does she think what does she think her daughter's magazine

is made of what are those pages made of guess what get an online magazine she's she's fucking retarded and if i was a sales girl and she threw glitter in my face and then clapped while my eyes were closed i would see the bitch um unless it was mama elsa threw glitter in my face and then clapped while my eyes were closed, I would sue the bitch. Unless it was Mama Elsa throwing rice in my hair. Then I'd be like, I'm down with that. Yeah, because Mama Elsa is real. Yeah, she's real. Yeah, I like it.

What was that disgusting thing that Lydia ordered for breakfast? She was like, I'll have the gruel, but it had some creepy name like frog eyeball soup and it was like nasty runny oatmeal it was grossing me out it was gross she has to be careful because she she her teeth are those like electric chatter things that you wind up and crawling crawl across the table she's gonna she can only have liquids otherwise she'll like bite her tongue off she's like can i have soaked for a month thanks wait you broke up i broke up. I couldn't hear you. Oh, I'm like, can I have some oatmeal that's been soaked for a month? Thanks. And I'd like some hot tea with nonfat milk because, bitch, if you had, you know, 2% milk, that would be a serious problem for your 72-pound ass frame.

Mom, I want to answer you, but would you wind up my teeth in the back? Okay. It's like, you know, like a blue whale. Would you wind up my teeth in the back? Okay. It's like a blue whale. They've got the baleen whales have those giant things. The side is like a door for their teeth.

Oh, my God. No more coffee for you. What the hell are you talking about? You know, make my standard baleen whale a reference. Clearly, we were at the hour mark. It was time. It's time for that. There he goes with his whale references. I really like Lydia.

I like Lydia, too, and I like that she's just so openly two-faced like i love that she's sitting there talking with uh alexis's enemies like oh i can totally agree with that like if you're so christian then why are you talking about being bullied or whatever it was and it's like that's okay because you're just being honest it's like she's a two-face i love it bring it but you know what though i have to say in terms of her demeanor and her look um there's a weird part of me that feels like she should have been on the real housewives of new york city and like i could see her being on that show and getting eaten alive by ramona and luann and all those women and it would have been amazing oh they would have ripped her limb from limb and her face

would still be bobbing around and her mouth would still be chattering as Ramona was going to town. Oh, Ramona! Oh, Ramona! To the Hamptons! Oh my god.

Doing that playing tennis with Luann would be amazing. Oh, well you know that she's probably like secretly a great tennis player And Luann would first try to have her on her team And then Ramona would try to beat them both And then Luann would charge them all For the tennis court fees Because she needs the money To buy drugs for her daughter

The racist drug dealing daughter Who's also quasi an artist but not really. But let's talk about the hot son that's too young. And the person in the hedges that's still lying there from last season. Oh my god. This is getting real. It's getting real. So we're done with

Orange County, right? Ben has a whole other page of notes. No, no, no, no, no, no. Really, so there are two other things that happened. Gretchen starts crying because she feels bad because she wants to have a baby and get married but she can't talk about it because slade's son has a serious illness okay i know dr laura is a horrible human being and needs to be burned at the stake but if you've ever listened to her you have no pity for someone like gretchen who's sitting there crying because she doesn't get the full attention of her loser man because he's taking care of another child that he left in the dirt first of all why do you want to have a child with a man

that you know doesn't pay his goddamn child support and makes no effort to pay it do you think you're going to be any different honestly do you yeah exactly this just makes her look like more of an asshole than she already is which is already the biggest asshole of all time because at this stage she's been with this dude for four plus years she's clearly wasting her time she never should have dated him in the first place and guess what before your crotch dries up and before your eggs fall out and you know are getting scrambled and eaten by lydia's mother at brunch you need to move on and get with a real dude who can pay his bills who has a job and who will support you and give you cute babies unlike slade yeah you can afford better home decor than a bunch of rooster wall hangings all over your kitchen.

She's such a tacky hoe. I'm just surprised that she used to be with Jeff, that rich old dude that's dead. Why is she still with Slade? Isn't the point of being on one of these shows to marry rich so you don't have to do anything? Hello, Heather. Slade is her manager. Slade has convinced her that the reason she's making money is because he's booking all these gigs for her. It's always been that way.

He's, like, taking an interest in her career. And she credits him with all these businesses that she started because she wouldn't have been doing them without his business sense. And I feel sorry for his kid who has cancer and is dying, and I'm not even going to make fun of that because poor fucking kid. But her kid in the future who's dying of whatever horrible disease is totally going to get what she deserves because she should not be having a baby with that slime bag. Listen, here's the reason why

she can't do better than Slade. It's because anyone who is a worthwhile catch walks into her house and sees about five different signs that say coffee served here and walks immediately out. Totally. Everyone else has died from lead poisoning from those fucking coffee cups from Indonesia that she's been serving.

Or they look at her sectional couch that looks like a giant blood clot and just want to get the hell out of there. Or they get creeped out by her, like, fat chef man holding up a platter where you can put an envelope. Even though you could just as easily put it on the counter. Why do I have to let the chef hold my keys? Why can't we just put them in a bowl like everybody else? Yeah, and you know what?

She has a key hanger. So why does she need a butler to hold up a platter? What is she putting on that butler's tray? What does anyone put on that butler's tray? Your iPod? Oh, you know what? Good answer. I will say this.

I want to give Gretchen one smidgen of respect. No. Yes, please. No. The show's over. I thought she looked really good. Oh, well. What are you talking about?

Her body is hot, but her face is gross. Well, but look, she styled herself better. I thought the frames looked really good on her. She was wearing like a gray sort of turtleneck thing, and her hair was like not as voluminous. It was sort of almost flat. She looked, I thought, pretty good for Gretchen. That was ridiculous. Welcome back from the cancer war, honey.

I'm reading because I'm smart. They look good on her. I'm sorry. They look good. They were fake. Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. Yes, it does. I'm an equal opportunity. And it turns out a lot of people are a cancer. It just has to do with when you were born.

Don't worry, Slade. I'm not saying they made her look smarter. Because no matter what sort of college degrees or advanced degrees she could ever get, she still would have, you know what she would do to her diploma? She'd have her diploma framed in some sort of thing with three roosters and a thing that says coffee served here and five fleur-de-lis. Somebody is now going to go to Ross and or Marshall's and take pictures of their rack of fake reading glasses,

and that's where Gretchen got hers. Yeah. All right. So let's move on to Vicky. So Vicky, we saw Brooks for the first time this season. They met in a restaurant that was decked out for Christmas. And by the way, continuity error with the pumpkin patch that happened immediately following the scene. Producers,

be a little sharper than that. I mean, how do you go from Christmas garlands to a pumpkin patch, right? So anyway, I'm probably because all of the restaurants

in Orange County keep up their Christmas day for year rounds. I realized this immediately afterward. They were probably at like the cafeteria at the Christmas tree shop.

You know what? Orange County is one of those places where they probably do have, like, it's Christmas, 365 days a year shops with a cafe attached to it, and that's where they were having dinner. Yeah, and I have to say, this restaurant looked like it was straight out of 1962. It was so old-fashioned. And how awkward was it when Vicky walked

in and the maitre d' was like, I'm gonna tongue you. Yeah. Well, I mean going to tongue you. Yeah. Well, I mean, look, Brooks ordered a steak Diane. I mean, what decade is this? He is so sexist. It's like she wants a commitment and he's ordering a steak named after a woman. Can you find that odd? He totally did that on purpose.

He's like, well, I really like cheers, so I got a steak Diane. He's like, I am seeing other people. I'll have a Diane down my throat, please. He's like, I honestly, I'm dating a steak and the steak is Diane. It's real pink. I love the pink. That was disgusting.

I'm gonna stick the pink in my mouth. Can I have the meat taco Diane, please, pink? Imagine if everything he orders he just adds Diane to it. I'll have a solid Diane. Excuse me, that's my mother's name. Can we just not do this right now? He's like, can I please have an awesome blossom, Melissa?

Please make sure it's real open and separated so I can get in there with my fingers. I'll have a crab, please, Diane. I'll have an ex-B crab sweet, Diane. I'll have eggs Benedict, Diane. Anyway, meanwhile. Why quit smoking? Why even quit smoking? What's the point of quitting smoking?

Nothing changes. You get fatter. You get older. You still cough. What the fuck's the point? Did you buy? Have you seen those commercials, by the way? What's that almost dead actor who's still young and kind of hot and he has blue electronic cigarettes?

No, who is it? Oh, I hate those things. He's the guy – he was in that movie, that Sofia Coppola movie that took place in the Chateau Marmont the whole time. Bill Murray? The Chateau Marmont. Oh, Stephen Dorff. Yeah, Stephen Dorff. He has blue electronic cigarette commercials now.

He makes me actually want to smoke fake blue electronic cigarettes, even though I don't really smoke. Can I name drop? Can I do a classic Ben Mandelker name drop? Oh, here we go. And then after you do it, why don't you write a blog about it and then post it on our Facebook page that points to your blog. Okay. Here's my name drop. Ten years ago.

This is a multi-tiered name drop. Ten years ago, I went to the Playboy Mansion, and I wound up getting wedged at the bar in between Stephen Dorff and Tiffany. And it remains one of the highlights of my life. Oh, my God. Is that where you got Wurtz? Yes. Oh, my God. And I don't know which one he gave it to me.

What a night. Oh, and hey, Matthew, I'm going to continue posting things on our Facebook. How dare you? I was just hinting, hinting. So anyway, so Brooks basically told Vicky that he was seeing other ladies, and Vicky was like, I'm torn between my daughter and the love of my life, which is sort of sad that Brooks is the love of her life and not insurance. So that's anyway, I see.

OK, that conversation with Brooks. I mean, he was even more disgusting than I remember. He was really bad. But he did have a point that she's just letting her kids run her whole damn life and keep them out of the house. You know, so what about that confrontation with the son? Because you know how I feel about that. So what do you feel about her confrontation with her son-in-law? The son-in-law has got to learn his place.

As a Marine, he should know about rank and file. And he clearly does not. We've said it last week. They're getting free rent, basically. Maybe they're paying something. What are they paying? Like $500 per three months plus like a bag of cheetos or something for a wing in her mansion in kota dacasa i know yeah you know

what they they have to you know what would be awesome there should be a spinoff where they move in with gina and all of her ex-boyfriends slash husbands and matt yeah all the assholes Gina should have a spinoff called date my asshole and it would really be dating her actual asshole it's her trying she's like the million dollar matchmaker except she's trying to set up all her asshole children and her asshole ex and her asshole gay friends

and her actual asshole which she goes and gets bleached yeah and then what happens is after her assholes don't like the dates that she sets them up with she actually takes the side of the dates and then she goes and hangs out with the dates and says well i mean i don't know what's wrong with them i mean i think you're perfectly great and uh you know it's their fault and there should definitely there should be a judging panel featuring quinn and tammy knickerbocker there should be a judging panel featuring Quinn and Tammy Knickerbocker.

Absolutely. And one of Quinn's wigs. Yes, that will be the third judge and it will just be a wig that bops down on a table. Yes, yes. Oh, and by the way, speaking of which, if you go to our Facebook page, you can see a lovely photo of me standing in between Quinn and Gina Keough

in another wedging of my life. I don't know which wedging I liked more, being in between those two or Stephen Dorff. Hello, Stephen Dorff. Yeah, you're right. So that happened. And then the only other thing that happened on this episode was that there was a Wines by Wives scandal. Let's not even talk about this because I don't want to promote their wines.

Nobody gives a shit. Nobody should drink anything that Tamara promotes. to promote their their wines nobody gives a shit nobody should drink anything that tamra promotes yeah well i think all of our readers are smart enough not to buy the boxes of wine that that wines by wives promotes but uh who knows but i love that tamra's like vicky's not doing anything meanwhile in the background it's the business partner and eddie doing all the work and tamra's just bitching this this season is slowly turning into empty office spaces that i have known right that are all in an office park somewhere outside of koto takaza where um just people with meth wander around and vicky drives you know dodges in between them in her mercedes and who are these people who are these people that are that are involved in wines by wine so much that

they have to get get office space and what are they going to do with their office space? And what was up with his adult acne? It was gross. Eddie's? No, the business part. That guy. Listen, I'm not – His face was being eaten by, like, herpy monsters.

Well, that's – it was – he probably – He probably sat next to Stephen Dorff at the Playboy Mansion. Oh. I think that's what happens when you go into a business venture with Tamara Barney and Vicki Gunvalson, and you automatically get skin problems. Because it's either the combination of the stress or some sort of MRSA that they give you. I think he's probably

been drinking too much OC energy drink from the OC Angels. You know what? He needs a good doctor. He needs a good doctor. And on that note, shall we head to Atlanta and marry to... Yes, please! Okay. Yeah, let's – Yes, please. Okay. Yeah, let's power through this one. Okay.

Biggest bombshell of the night. Alluded to before. Toya is a former math teacher. That's all we need to say because that is just so, I don't know, pearls clutching that I'm done. I mean the biggest shock is that she didn't teach English. Like, hi, you have came to my class a little late. Listen, five plus three is 94, okay? That's what I know in Detroit.

Five? Hey. Hey. I'm going to, okay. You have five drug khazars, and you have 12 million dollar houses and you want to air them together what is the answer?

The only number that that chick knows is that they are building a 1.3 million dollar house. She loved to say that. Yeah. So they go to Toya and what's her name?

Eugene. They go to thisa and what's her name? Eugene. They go to this like a Spellman and I almost said it. Morehouse. Morehouse. But we should really be just calling it Hillman from. A different world. A different world. The Cosby spinoff. Yeah.

There's like a little reunion thing. And before the reunion starts, Toya's like, I want to talk about the Mariah situation a little bit more. And Eugene's like, I don't want to talk about this anymore. We've talked about it to death. And she starts to cry. And then he's like, oh, God. And then she's like, you're acting like you just want to have a good time. I'm like, yeah, bitch, you're at a social event. That's what you want to do.

You want to have a good time. Speaking of a different world, I'm sorry, but I'm kind of trapped in a different world right now. Carrie would be like the Marissa Tomei, the only white person in the entire cast of Black people. And then when the show is over, she'd be like, this show was canceled. It was withdrawn. This show is over. It's withdrawn.

I have the paperwork to show, to prove it. It is withdrawn. Can we just get to the lemon squeeze? Can we just get to Jackie's lemon squeeze? It was cancelled. Okay, so Jackie had a lemon squeeze where... She is an evil taskmaster.

I mean, I like her, but I hate her. Yeah. Oh, I love her. I like Jackie. But Ronnie, I'm sorry, if you went to a lemon squeeze, if I was like, we're going to a lemon squeeze and we're going to talk out our differences and you told me, or I told you that you couldn't have an alcoholic beverage in your hand, that would be a problem. Yeah, but Matt, if you had – OK. If the last time we had been out together, you broke a glass in someone's pool, pulled out their weave, kicked them in the balls, and then like called them the N-word, I would probably say, Matt, I would appreciate it if you didn't drink tonight. I was just actually thinking, wait, was that the last time you, Ben, and I went out for drinks?

I did all these things? Was I that messed up? I think that's what happened when you went to the Abbey that one time, right? Oh, let's not talk about it. I'm the reason why the Abbey now serves drinks in plastic cups. Yeah, Matt had a run-in with his own little toy over there. So here's the thing. So Jackie decides to have a lemon squeeze, which is basically like – it's like a powwow.

She wants everyone to talk things out. And she thinks because Jackie is actually a smart lady with class that things can be talked out, especially with the aid of a little rubber ducky. That's sort of like the conch except in ducky form. And that people will talk and out, especially with the aid of a little rubber ducky that's sort of like the conch, except in ducky form, and that people will talk and turn, etc. But we know this isn't going to work out because when Mariah shows up, she has a look on her face that...

What is the equivalent of the look? It's like five Heather Dubrowes mixed into one. I don't know. I can't even describe it. She's just not having it. She's not being part of it. She's not. And she wants a glass of wine, and Jackie's like, no.

And I love Toya who's like, this old ignorant heifer can't just sit here and drink some water with a lime? That was my favorite line of the night. I know. Why did she say lime when they were at a lemon squeeze? That really bothered me. Well, because when you take two lemons and you add them together because we're in math class, you add them together and become one lime. That's how it goes. It wasn't even really explained why it was called a lemon squeeze. She's like, well, in college, when sorority sisters, and we were sisters, when sorority sisters had a problem with each other, we would call it the lemon squeeze.

That makes no sense. Could you explain why it's called the lemon squeeze? Maybe they're turning lemons into lemonade, maybe? I think they're squeezing the sour out. You see, that would be a great explanation. And mixing a little sugar in. But no, she didn't go there. Well, you know what?

She knew it would be pointless to go there because she's speaking to morons basically well and she found that out about 10 minutes into the lemon so it was when she took off her fucking mic pack and was like i'm out of this shit well i love so in the beginning it started off civilized and i will not be here i will not do this to women i will not do this to strong women uh thanks women everywhere thank you thanks yeah right i mean i'm sorry you signed on to do a reality series on bravo what is your fucking problem she's one of those unfortunate souls who thinks that they can make a good impression on on viewers about women black women just like just like just like deshawn snow and we see how that turned out. Either way, so this lemon squeeze was after a rockin' good time in the beginning when Carrie clarified her role in kicking Mariah out. And she goes, I do not kick Mariah out of my party.

I asked my security man to make peace. nothing makes me happier in the land of bravo than people whipping out documents whether it be at a reunion special a la shahs of sunset and or um other housewives uh yeah she's denying that she took back the money off of paypal and she's like well here are the documents it was all all canceled it was all i spoke to duncan and it was all cancelled. It was withdrawn. I have had a personal struggle with PayPal for 20 years. A very private struggle. And I can tell you right now, I know when something's

been cancelled and withdrawn. And I love that Mariah is sitting there in the face of these documents like, oh no honey, no honey, no nothing was cancelled, nothing was cancelled at all. Oh no no honey no honey no nothing was canceled nothing was canceled at all no no no no that needs to be a remix on my new album um and then i have to say actually toya toya had the some of the best logic points which was that when mariah said that toya ruined little

lauren's outlook for the rest of her life. Toya was like, no, you ruined Lauren's outlook by not telling her who her daddy was from the beginning. She's right. She's right. I'm sorry. I am so team Toya. Even though she's a dumb, horrible math teacher with drag queen makeup and a feather in her hair, I am forever team Toya. Yeah, and I have to say, when Mariah's sitting here talking about, well, you've been talking all – I don't know what accent that was.

I'm sorry. When she starts talking about how Toya is talking, everyone's ear off at the salon. And Toya's like, I don't even go to the beauty salon. They got my hair all done. And by the way, we can tell. Your hair looks like a Springer Spaniel. Whatever. I like it.

Well, I don't like it. Okay, that's fine. But you know what? That's the moment right there. You sound like a puppet of Mariah, just like Quad. No, no. The point is this, though. Toya doesn't go to the salon.

And Mariah didn't even do any due diligence on the rumors that her sister told her. So who knows? And from what it sounds like, it sounds like Toya really was not making a malicious – was not maliciously spreading this gossip. Exactly, which is meaning the entire season is set up on some false idea that there was a serious bullshit fight happening when in fact it was nothing. And now we're spinning nine episodes out of it yay this is the point this is what happens on all these shows is what happened on beverly hills which is that someone says something it's misinterpreted it goes through the goes to the gossip ringer it goes to whatever the grapevine and uh and then at the end people hear something

and they take it on face value and they just attack and they don't like stop to think maybe this was misinterpreted or or pull this person aside and have their own personal lemon squeeze and say hey i heard you've been saying this and it really hurts me these women just go into attack mode it's done well what happened um and we know from one of our viewers well this is allegedly what happened was that production was the one who told What's Her Buns that What's Her Buns was in the hairdresser talking about her. And that's why she didn't know what the hell she was talking about because production was the one who told her. And they lied.

She was telling her own hairdresser that and didn't know the cameras were even rolling. And they went and blabbed to Mariah. That's some bullshit. That is not fair. And these ghetto bitches can get into enough fights on their own. You do not have to force them. I mean, the organic fights could have been better.

I say God bless them for forcing this fight, because I love the fight. And you know what? Mariah is dumb on two fronts. She's dumb because she shouldn't have lied to her daughter, and she's also dumb because if this is such a big secret, why are you telling people? And why are you telling people on a reality show?

That's your fault. I'm sorry. It really is. Yeah, I agree. And also her dad's, like, one of her dads is Indian. Like, it seems like it wouldn't be that hard to tell her. You know what I mean? Listen, I'd like to just echo what Quad said.

She should shut up. Ooh, honey! Ooh, let your top lip meet your bottom one. I'd like to just echo what Quad said. She should shut up. Oh, honey! Woo! Let your top lip meet your bottom one. That was an amazing line. I'm not going to lie. It was. You know what?

Quad is fantastic. Well, Quad, I love the glee that Quad gets when Mariah's talking shit about somebody. And Quad just laughs and laughs. You know, there's no like, girl, uh-huh. She just laughs at her. I think it's so funny. Are we in the hood or are we in Pups in Paris? Absolutely not!

Absolutely not! Let the good times roll, honey! Love her. Oh, Miss Quad is up here on the house. Yeah, I love her, but I do need her to fight with somebody. Kind of boring. Well, she started to pipe up a little bit at the lemon squeeze, but... Oh, yeah, there's more to come of this. She and Toya are still going to go at it.

And let me tell you something. When season two rolls around, I guarantee Quad wants to get in her own fight. So she wants to be in the previews. She will fight big time. Here's one question I have. What is with people who aren't like stars who go on these reality shows? Like the lady who was having a baby.

Why do you want to do that in front of me on TV? I do not want to see a baby being born on TV. Speaking of TV, are we not going to talk about her tattoo? Was it made for TV? What did it say? That was disgusting. It said made for TV

and it was on her belly. Maybe it was actually a... What do you call a tattoo that is above your vajay as opposed to a tramp stamp which is above your ass? Maybe like a... A vag badge? Vag badge? as opposed to a tramp stamp which is above your ass uh maybe like a badge badge badge badge um if that is not already a tumblr we need to make it happen tonight um anyway so this woman had a

badge badge that said made on tv or as seen on tv and the thing is with this belly expanding due to this like 50 pound baby she's about to birth the whole thing spread across her my god entire body and instead of being like a little vag badge it became like a mini series the size of roots yeah that poor girl looked like me after going home for two weeks and they were like extreme there were like extreme close-ups on her tummy and it was her stretch marks it's called get some palmer's cocoa butter girl it's called life is beautiful but not on my tv it's called don't get a tattoo on areas that will likely stretch out multiple times in your life yeah it's called use a comforter because you're on tv it's called why do you have a tattoo called made on tv in the first place

it's called why don't you go get in your jacuzzi and have Ricky Lake come over and do one of those birthing things in the water? It's called, why are you bringing more life into this sad, pathetic world? Just everybody stop. It's called, why are you making all the doulas barf? It's called, don't you realize that these people aren't really fucking doctors? They're reality TV stars that just put on lab coats. Oh my God. So I'm married to medicine. What else happened on that show anything uh that that was pretty much it um stupid mariah tried to slice an onion with a steak knife and

then complained about how hard it is to slice onions and the inner cook in me wanted to shake the tv these are i'm, but they are both going on the top ten list of worst moms, which we are going to be putting on our Facebook page. Yeah, Matt, you do that today, yeah? I'll do it tonight. Yay! Okay, so what else happened on this

stupid show? I'm done with it. That was it. It was just a lemon squeeze. Okay, now we have to talk about the biggest thing that happened to bravo since um gay people took it over nene leaks one-on-one interview on watch okay i'm gonna just say this we're gonna talk about this for 60 seconds because it was a waste of 60 minutes of my life how dare you? That she and Kim have kind of made up and that they wish each other well and that she – there was one other thing. Oh, and that she thinks that Brandi Glanville from Beverly Hills Housewives is a drunk hoe.

That's all she said in a matter of 60 fucking minutes of my life. It was an hour long and it was – I mean it was just a parade of Nene's like sickness. I mean we see it on the housewives you know we see that she's full of herself we see that she's a bully we see that she's vicious and mean we see that she's insecure and fame hunger like we see all that stuff in glimpses but to have it right there all to herself just being disgusting i mean that bitch did not say one thing that wasn't fucking disgusting the whole the not say one thing that wasn't fucking disgusting the whole time the only thing that was good is that bravo kind of did throw a few

zingers her way by showing clips before she got her teeth fixed when she was you know just she's like oh my god we look so much better now it's called because five years ago you were a trash hoe you are a trash hoe with bad teeth and a cheap-ass wig just like Kim. So don't even get it twisted, honey. You used to be a piece of crap. Look what can happen in five or six years. I mean they all look completely different. I know.

This is basically what we have to look forward to with all the girls on Married to Medicine. I can't wait to see what they do to their faces. Oh, my God. Well, Nene was going she everybody he asked her about she totally dissed which you know she said that orange county should be totally recast she has nothing in common with them she doesn't like any of them um she said yeah she said that brandy she likes brandy but that by the way drinks too much it makes an idiot of herself and she's grossed out that brandy says wrong things to people that she shouldn't be saying

which means brandy probably called her a moose or something wait i have to say something for her to say that the uh atlanta should be recast because she has nothing in common with all these girls orange county orange county oh never mind no that's even worse i mean she was she's recast atlanta her damn self she was talking about about Orange County and just like dissing all those women because they're blonde. And Andy even said, is it because they're just like white blonde girls? And she goes, no, I like white blonde people. Other people are white and blonde.

Look at Beverly Hills. Oh, that's right. Because every time she's put around white blonde people, she chokes them to death. Yeah. And she's like, look at Beverly Hills. And I have to say, by the way, I actually, I think, I'm sorry, Ronnie, but I just want to say I actually think Real Housewives of Orange County is really on point this season so far. It has that vibe. You know when these housewives, some seasons it just feels like it's plotting and some you're just sort of like along for the ride.

Orange County has always been amazing. Always has. The past two years it's a little up and down. This one feels like it's on point. So Nini does not know what she's talking about. Yeah, and I also agree with one of the listeners who put on the page that they liked that this Orange County in particular was a little more real. It showed them actually being wives and moms, which is weird. And I think they were referring to Heather.

But I agree with that. And anyway, Nini was just horrible, but really fun to watch. And she called Andy a shady queen. And, of course, she gets along best with Jeff from Flipping Out because he's also a horrible human being. A shady queen. Yeah, she called him a shady queen, yeah. So I thought it was pretty fun just to see how disgusting she is. And, of course, she says she's the king of everything.

And, you know, she deserves respect from these women because she's the original housewife, and she's the most popular out of everybody. Oh, my God. What else did she say that was good? Oh, the one that she wanted to get kicked off of Atlanta, she hinted at in the reunion, was Portia because she said that Portia wasn't being honest about her life and that she was always being fake for the cameras. But now that Portia got dumped and is getting divorced. And then what happened today? Portia now is demoted to friend of housewives. Yeah.

Yeah, we didn't even say that. The day after this airs. Yeah. Huh. Yeah, so she was talking about Portia that whole time. So don't mess with Mimi. Do some math on that, Toya. Yeah.

I guess the lesson is don't mess with the moose I don't like any of this I don't like that Nini gets her her own special because it gives her way too much importance these housewives have to know their place Ben here's the thing I think Nini was on a crusade this entire season

to make herself look good after coming back from being a crazy horrible monster monster in the previous season. And she thinks she did that. And yes, she is having success in Hollywood because, you know, Ryan Murphy has a hard on for her. But in reality, I don't think anybody likes her. Yes, she's getting paid, but nobody is like rooting for Nene. I don't think Housewives fans realize that she needs to be on the next season because she is like the framework. But nobody likes her ass. She is still horrible.

And everybody knows she's fake. This interview with Andy Cohen proved that she is a fake hypocritical bitch. Well, that stuff where she was going on about how people in Hollywood don't give her the respect she deserves. And just because she's a reality star, you know, she doesn't appreciate the attitude that some actresses give her. Because she was an actress way before the house was and then they show a clip of her playing like uh kind of an eddie murphy what was that flubber movie or whatever where he plays his whole nutty professor yeah nutty professor where he plays his whole family which he did brilliantly i that was so hilarious i still remember laughing at that and then then they show Nini doing it. It was embarrassing to watch.

Oh, yeah. She did it on The New Normal. She didn't even change her voice. If we're going to be honest, Nini in real life, Nini on Real Housewives of Atlanta, Nini on The New Normal, and Nini on Glee as Coach Ross is all the same person. Bitch, you don't have an array of characters. You just play your ghetto-ass self, and you think that that makes you famous. And guess what? You are lucky now, but in three years, you're going to be poor, broke, and alone.

Yeah, she can't even play herself. I mean, if she was playing NeNe on that show, I would think it's hilarious. But she can't even do that. I mean, she's just bad. She has no range. She has no range whatsoever. So stop pretending that you're fucking Meryl Streep. And then when you walk down Sunset Boulevard to go get a big old bacon-ass cheeseburger

at the Saddle Ranch, that people should stop and want to take your photo and say, oh, NeNe, you deserve an Emmy nom for a show that you should be lucky to be on because it's going to get canceled anyway. Okay, I'm done. I can't believe that she hasn't been excoriated for her performance on that show.

That's embarrassing. Can we talk for two seconds about Newlyweds? Because, look, we'll talk about it more next week. I think that we're all still diving into this. It's a new show that premiered. It was a 90-minute episode, which is a lot to ask. I'm going to go on record and say that I love it. I'm obsessed with it.

It is kind of my new Vanderpump Rules, Married to Medicine, up there maybe with Gallery Girls. I know that's a bold statement early on. I actually think the show is somewhat quality dare i say yeah there's there's gonna be plenty of fighting look marriage is all about fighting i get it um well i don't get it because i'm not married because i can't get married but anyway it's podcasting because we fight a lot and don't really hang out and sleep in separate beds but i just i think that this show has the potential to be something good for bravo Yeah, I have to say when I first saw the trailer about a month and a half ago, I was like, eh, whatever. But then I watched actually only the first 18 minutes of it because I didn't realize it was premiering last night.

One thing with Bravo is sometimes they show so many promos that you tune it out. I think a lot of people saw so many promos from the shot of sunset they assumed that they had watched the entire season of the goddamn show or it's more like they start the promos so early on that you just sort of perpetually think it's three weeks away and then it finally arrives and like whoa whoa whoa and so when i was watching oc last night i watched it a little bit delayed at around like 10 30 or whatever and uh i realized oh my gosh, this other show is premiering afterwards and I'd already missed it, whatever. So by the time I recorded

it, I watched it this morning and I only got 18 minutes through it. But I would have kept on going. I just had other obligations I had to get to. And I enjoyed it. I enjoyed it quite a bit. You all just need to finish it and we'll talk more about it next week. But for our users out there, if you guys watched it, please stick with with it i really think that it has the potential to be a good show i actually only hate the gay people surprise surprise that is so like my real life um and um i don't know they're kind of they they really are i mean not only are they scary it's not only just because they're flaming i mean they're stereotypical in the way that, like, one of them's calling the other one fat all the time. And the other one's, like, a twink.

Like, he's 16 years younger. Was formerly in a boy band. By the way, I have no problem with flamboyant gay dudes. Everybody can do their own thing. I'm not, like, super attracted to that. Anybody can be who they want to be. I'm all for that. I just hate that on these reality shows, everybody has to be so incredibly stereotypical.

You just said it, Ronnie. It just disgusts me. Well, the black people are too. I mean even the black couple are like that where it's like the woman is like – yeah, it's just – the whole thing is like a big stereotype. Oh, really? Oh, really? The funny thing I was about to say that some Bravo executive is probably gonna have to get fired because the black couple looks like they have like a smidgen of class. You know, I'm like, wow, you can't just show that on TV. That's that's crazy. Right. Why aren't they in Atlanta?

They have to be petty and uneducated. Well, I don't know, because their whole thing is that they're like super Christian. So they've never lived together. But, you know, because they're Christian, the woman has to listen to the man, and the man is the head of the household, and that's just how it goes. I know. It's like the black Alexis and Jim. But they're also like – Alexis. But they speak with proper English, and they have actual careers, legitimate careers, and they seem educated.

Well, that's true. What are you doing on Bravo? What are you doing on tv you're not allowed to be on tv you're not stereotypical enough yeah we we're only allowed to have representations from the black community that are like toya and mariah oh yeah and this bitch is such a good christian that she makes all of her bridesmaids lose weight or she won't let them be in the wedding what kind of an asshole does that um any smart woman who wants to have a cute wedding oh she's horrible those fat girls should have thrown a pie in her face eaten it back off of it and then left the restaurant those fat girls probably would have vomited it up and eaten it back up again and regurgitated over and over again i'm sorry you

cannot be telling your friends are too fat to be in your wedding that's horrible i've never been to a wedding where the bridesmaids weren't fat. You know what? They don't have anything to live for. Let them be fat. I've been a fat bridesmaid in a wedding. How dare you? That is a very good point. When the bouquet is tossed,

it's more fun to see fat girls fight for it. And also, they're supposed to be fat because the bride is supposed to be the thin, beautiful one. Right. It makes her look extra skinny. Yeah. Good point.

I take it back. That's why the bridesmaids are always in crappy dresses. Yeah. Maybe they wouldn't be so fat. Women are petty. Women are very, very petty. Yeah. Maybe they wouldn't be fat if their friend was always getting hot dates with jobs and stuff and making them feel jealous.

It's probably her fault they're fat. Yeah. dates with jobs and stuff and making them feel jealous it's probably her fault they're fat yeah a few other notes tina's lips are scarier than carrie's on married to medicine slash her husband now tarzu is hot in a weird creepy way and girl yeah the indian girl who is an indian pop star she is ridiculous excuse me she's a pop priestess but she's no asa she's that bitch is ridiculous and just trying to get attention on tv and putting glitter on her lawn and all that shit she's trying to and on her dog i felt bad for that golden retriever or not the golden the german shepherd i was like you need a snatch bite on her snatch that girl is so fame hungry she's hard to watch but i can't wait to watch her life

get ruined on national tv because that's kind of what this show promises which is amazing like they the whole beginning of the season previews are's why the season previews are amazing. I'm like you guys need to watch this shit because it's going to get good. Well, it is kind of funny that they say the first year of marriage is the hardest. It's like, oh, well, then it's really smart that you guys are putting it on reality TV because that never breaks up a marriage. Yeah, well, that's their point. And they say the first year of marriage is the hardest. Only 50 percent of marriages make it.

Who's going to make it out of the first year? You know, and I like that. They make it almost a game. Like, who's going to break up by the end of the season? It's so low down and dirty. It's the Hunger Games on Bravo. Well, I hope that Amy leaves. You know, the girl, Amy from Gallery Girls.

And actually, someone on our Facebook pointed this out, too. But that's all I could think when I saw her was, Amy! Yes. Facebook pointed this out too, but that's all I could think when I saw her was, Amy! Yes, sad, chubby white girl with blonde hair who drives a BMW X3, moves to Long Island. I mean, it was so – that's Amy in five years. And you know she's desperate because she worked in television production, so she knows exactly what she's in for. And yet she still wants to go through with this. Her husband grosses me out. Her husband grosses me out.

I mean, I look at him and I'm like, these dorky dudes who can't dance, can't dress themselves, are just – they have pool tables in their dining rooms. I don't know how straight women date. It just creeps me out. It's because they want a baby. Yeah, she's so sad and desperate. I mean, she looks like she does not want to be there. She's crying already every five seconds and not because she's happy. She's like – like she's obviously miserable. Her first testimonial, she's crying about her ex-boyfriend.

You know, the first episode, her husband to be is sitting in bed making these obsessive compulsive lists about shit that's making her. I mean, she's just settling. Her sister-in-law to be is like, um, yeah, I hate you. You know what, I think they should rename this show from Newlyweds the First Year to Obviously Miserable. I think they should name this show to This is Why Ronnie Will Be Masturbating

Until His Penis Stops Working and We'll Never Have a Relationship. Because that's pretty much my biggest fear in about an hour, is this show. Is having to watch it, is that your biggest fear? No, is being in that. I didn't see one of these relationships.

And these are all people who are just getting married now. I mean, this is supposed to be the best time of their lives. And every single one of them, I was like, I would blow my brains out before I subjected myself to this. I wouldn't be with that Indian girl. The guy guy all he does is sit on his computer and like pretend he's making up iphone games i wouldn't be married i wouldn't be amy i'd kill myself if i was her and then she's dating george costanza kill myself if i was him the black couple he's still wearing african shirts like he's wearing like african

shirts as done by american standard or urban outfitters he's horrible and bossy and mean that wife is making all her bridesmaids lose outfitters. He's horrible and bossy and mean. That wife is making all her bridesmaids lose weight. They're all fucking horrible, and they're in a couple. And if this does not sell you on the entire season, I don't know what will. Because that is just amazing TV. Yeah, I just can't wait to see them all be miserable. Who do you think is going to make it?

Let's make a prediction now. Who do you think will still be married by the end of the year black fat fat sad fat sad amy fat sad amy yeah she won't she because she wants a baby she's never letting that go yeah and he likes her boobs too much well yeah um i think it's going to be the black couple who's going to say i think i think tars and tina tars and tina are going to stay together i think the gays are doomed and the black couple is doomed wait question this is actually kind of a brilliant part about this show which is saying you you have to stay tuned to see who's going to break up i mean well do you think for real we should know we should just design a game we should design a game where money is on the line but that's a good idea well i'm not gonna put any money on the line until

i finish watching the first episode okay well we will reconvene on this and all of our other shows next week when we bring you guys our next episode. So thank you for tuning in. It has been another amazing week. Thank you for posting comments on our Facebook page. Join the action if you haven't done that already. We are at Facebook.com forward slash Watch What Crappens. You can find us on Twitter at What Crappens. You should also leave us um five star

reviews on itunes you did a good job last week but we need more so get to it follow ben on twitter and instagram at b-side blog follow me matt at life on the m list follow ronnie on twitter at tvgasm and also follow ronnie on instagram at ronnie carom yeah great yeah yeah good one guys good one okay thanks everybody we'll see you next time. Bye. Sorry I had to wrap that up fast, but I have to pee. Yeah, no. It was overdue.

Let's do it. Bye. The Snowman The wind is blowing But I can't weather the storm What do I care How much it may storm I've got my love to keep me warm I've got my love I've got my love I've got my love I've got my love

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