Watch What Crappens - #79: Mexican Strippers and Shabbat Drama

Episode Date: June 12, 2013

This week on "Watch What Crappens," Lisa Timmons (socialitelife.com) steps in for Ronnie Karam and gets in the trenches with Matt Whitfield (Yahoo!) and Ben Mandelker (bsideblog.com) as they dissect all the Puerto Vallarta madness on "Real Housewives of Orange County." Then it's off to "Real Housewives of New Jersey" to talk about crumbling bathroom fixtures, and then we say "Shalom!" to the "Princesses: Long Island." No one is spared. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

From Wondery and Audible comes Class of 88, a new podcast hosted by Will Smith. Before 1988, a lot of people didn't take hip-hop seriously. But hip-hop today touches everything from film to fashion to sports. So what changed? Follow Class of 88 wherever you get your podcasts. hey everyone welcome to watch what crap and the podcast dedicated to all that crap we love on bravo my name is matt woodfield and joining me as always at is ben mandelker ben say hello hi and joining the two of us today in Ronnie's absence is the amazing Lisa Timmons. Welcome, Lisa.

Thank you, Matt. Hello, Lisa. Reunited, and it feels so good. The last time the three of us all podcasted together was the night that Whitney Houston died. Oh my gosh. Why are you laughing, Ben? Lisa and I are still traumatized. My candles still burn.

It's a nervous laugh. It's a nervous laugh. Just to think about what has happened to Bobby X Tina in the months since Whitney's death. Just that alone. Just that alone. She had an awkward interview with Oprah in her kitchen, so we know that happened. Well, to be fair, who hasn't had an awkward interview with oprah in their kitchen remember j-lo and ben affleck super awkward so awkward um so anyway um lisa so the lisa is from

banter with ben and lisa the other podcast that's where i was born and bread and bread that's where she hails from and are you guys are you guys podcasting with ronnie this week yeah so actually no look at this we're doing all sorts of crossovers i love it yeah so it's getting us into practice it's i love the idea that the podcast will just be thematic even though it's the same people that's the only thing that makes it different it's like that time of you listening out there sorry i'm totally interrupting you but that's what you typically do to me so please you interrupt me a good amount of times mad at this point boys there's plenty of me to go around you love it when we fight over you don't you don't you i don't know lisa you've been working out i don't know if there's plenty of you

to go around anymore oh that's right but where it counts where it counts oh where it counts. Oh, okay. Where it counts. Okay, so you guys who are listening, apparently Ronnie is going to appear on Benter with Ben and Lisa this week. And next week I will appear on that show. And this week you are all treated to Lisa in Ronnie's absence. So welcome to the party. It's like a big key party. Thanks, guys. It's always fun. It's my favorite sausage fest.

Speaking of sausage, I'm not kidding you, I'm sitting inside At this house that I'm renting in Palm Springs And my friends just all ripped off their swimsuits Outside of the sliding glass door And showed me the goods before they jumped in the pool So I imagine your pearls Your pearls are very clutched So stop bragging, alright

Normally my pearls would be clutched. So stop bragging, all right? Normally my pearls would be clutched, but I am about two bottles of Pinot Grigio in, and it's all good. And I've had a coffee, so we're all really, we have some things going through our systems.

So before we jump in, if you've had a Greek yogurt, we're ready to go. She's a cultured lady. You know what? I don't want to have to take that Boniva any earlier than I need to. Sally Field shouldn't even be taking it. She is a strong little lady.

She's starting too early. Well, she has this one life and this one body, and she's going to take it if she wants to. I'm not going to fight Sally Field, I'll tell you. Wait a second. I like that I'm the dork all of a sudden. You're not. It's the Greek yogurt talk. I know. It's the agency.

Oh, my God. Okay, before we jump into the craziness on The Real Housewives of New Jersey, The Real Housewives of Orange County, and our super obsession Long Island Princesses – or excuse me, princesses Long Island. You guys should definitely get involved with us on Facebook. We are at facebook.com forward slash watch what crappens. You can follow us on Twitter at what crappens. You can follow me, Matt Woodfield, at Life on the M List on both Instagram and Twitter. You can follow Lisa on Twitter and Instagram at TimmonsLisa.

And of course, you can follow Ben on Twitter and Instagram at TimmonsLisa. And of course you can follow Ben at B-Side Blog. And maybe we'll even be nice and say Ronnie is available on the Twitter at TVGasm. And I would also like to say I switched my name on Vine from Ben Mandelker to B-Side Blog so it could be a little bit more...

Oh, thank you. Thank you. But I will apologize in advance. I have not done a goddamn Vine video since you've asked me to, to finish up with the Can't Film Festival. Oh, yeah. So, Lisa, in case you didn't know what's going on, we are doing this thing where we're making a movie, Matt, Ronnie, and I. I filmed the first six seconds on Vine.

Then Ronnie did the second six seconds. And Matt's supposed to finish it off with Act Three. And he has not done it. But it's supposed to be a weekly thing. And we call it the Can't festival that's adorable but um matt is matt immediately after this i want you to find it takes six seconds living in the spirit of the film festival i will tell you this i will tell you this we have a few barbie dolls and we have a swimming pool with a waterfall in it and i feel like the barbies and the waterfall are going to be happening

with a vine in a few hours oh my god it's gonna be this is writing itself it and I feel like the Barbies and the waterfall are going to be happening with the vine in a few hours. This is writing itself. It's going to feel like we're right at Andalas of Puerto Vallarta. Oh my god. Can the three of us go on vacay to Andalas in Puerto Vallarta? Just make sure you have plenty of traveler's insurance. I will buy it

from Vicky. Are you kidding? Alternatively, we can go to Acapulco and I don't mean in Mexico I mean the restaurant Acapulco which I'm sure is just as good I love that one on Los Feliz we could do a bar crawl from Acapulco to El Torito and back

take the red line back to Ben's place so classy stop off at Baja Fresh before we jump in Ben did you have a piece of information from the neighborhood because obviously Back to Ben's place. So classy. Stop off at Baja Fresh. Okay, before we jump in, Ben, did you have a piece of information from the neighborhood? Because obviously I'm on vacay. What is happening on Fuller Avenue right now?

Okay, this actually happened on Fairfax. Fairfax and Sunset. Well, Ronnie lives on Fairfax, so that's fine. This is Ronnie's neighborhood. I was driving just now. I went to the coffee shop, which is where I got my coffee. Wait, do you go to the coffee bean at Fairfax and Sunset? Sometimes, but in this case, I went to the coffee commissary because I was being a good little screenwriter and I was doing some work and I like to work at that one.

Is the commissary the one on La Brea? No, that's Tiago. That's the fancy new one, right? It's not new, but it's getting fancier and they have the strongest brew. Oh my God. If he had drunk coffee from there, I would notice it through the podcast. one right uh it's not new but it's getting fancier and they have the strongest brew like if i oh my god if he had drunk coffee from there i would notice it through the podcast yeah it would be like quivering i uh i have like train spotting moments when i have tiago's ice brew i'm like so let's talk about bravo okay bravo's great yeah i'm gonna calm state but anyway so i was

dropping down fairfax i'm stopped at the light. And this double-decker tour bus is making a turn from Fairfax onto Sunset. And as it turns, it's – what do you call it? It's wrapped. The bus is wrapped in a billboard. And I see Reza and Mike. Reza and Mike from Shaw's at Sunset. And they're standing there with their arms crossed on the side of this bus.

And it says Shaw's Realty. And it was an ad for their new real estate group. Oh, gross. Because, you know, multi-millionaires like to pick their freaking agents off buses. I know. With a guy in the back who says, accidentes! I know. Two exclamation points. Well, actually, there was a guy in the back of the bus, and it was, like, Mike's brother,

like, who's been featured here and there, and he... Oh, the dentist guy, right? Yeah, I don't know i don't know i think this is not that lisa's not his biggest fan but whoever it was he was like some like third guy gets like the rear end and not even mj gets like the rear end of the double decker bus how would mj be average oh i keep forgetting she has a job so did they did they her ass, or is she really part of the ad? Well, I think that she's probably – I can't even imagine what vehicle she's been plastered on at this point. I mean, what size – I mean, if she can't fit on the side of a double-decker bus, what kind of – I mean, will she fit on the Titanic? I would love to actually see her on the side of a Mini Cooper.

I feel like it's not about the size. You might get one butt cheek. That's about feel like i feel like it's not about one butt cheek that's about it i feel like it's not about the size i feel like it's about the prestige and i feel like mj is currently wrapped around one of those little hot dog stands that's outside of clubs mexican people wheel out it's totally on the bacon wrapped hot dog cart that are outside of every bad like concert that you've ever been to in LRA. It's like, need a new home? Or a hot dog? Call MJ. I'm inspired to take an ad out on the side of a roach coach.

The sad thing is, I think we could afford it. I think we could. Oh yeah, you're right. We'd have to pool our resources. We'll dip into the petty cash. That being said, you haven't lived until you've seen an oversized Reza that's two stories tall on a deck in motion. That was, honestly, it was scary. It's a Persian! I'm just going down Sunset Boulevard.

Homegirl's got to get on a double-decker bus. I'm suddenly craving some dry cookies. And an armpit. So wait wait so when is that coming back i don't know and i wouldn't be surprised there's like a winter show it's a winter show i wouldn't be surprised there was a whole episode dedicated to them you know having their billboard on a bus and it's all this stupid stuff and they're probably i'm sure i'm sure that's happening. They actually film. You know what? The ad probably went live recently because they film in the summer and they air it in the winter.

So I'm sure they're filming right now and I'm sure, like Ben said, there's an entire episode dedicated to them going on a photo shoot to be plastered on the side of a bus because that means you've made it in Los Angeles. Well, guess what, guys? You heard it here first.

You heard it here first. You heard it here first. Spoiler alert, there's going to be an episode about putting a billboard on a bus. Lisa, I thought you were about to really break some news, but you were just reiterating the fact that we mentioned

that they may have an episode dedicated to that. About some marketing. That's as newsy as I get. Well, listen, the truth is this. You're not a reality show until you've had an unnecessary photo shoot and a fashion show absolutely preferably at preferably at a pool party married to medicine we're looking at you bitches you know what i feel like i saw i

feel like i saw a a bravo star this weekend because it was Gay Pride here in L.A. Let me guess. Let me guess. Was it Madison from Million Dollar Listing in L.A.? No, it wasn't. Let me tell you something. Because he's a hoe, and I'm surprised that you didn't see him in a Speedo on a float. I thought so. Well, so this weekend I sort of threw myself into Gay Pride, which is not usually what I do.

Oh, my God. Excuse me. Let's put you on pause for a second so lisa and i can discuss your obsession with your new like hot body and your selfies and your bulging biceps okay he always has been taking those what the fuck are you talking about okay i am i feel like i feel like they're creeping in a little bit more because i commented you know i was praising ben a few weeks ago i was like oh your guns are back girl and now like I'm seeing a lot more of them on the fucking Instagram. Listen, Matt, I wish I could give you credit for that.

But the truth is this. You had nothing to do with it. It was just my pure egotism going wild this weekend. To be fair, it is warmer. It's tank top season. And you're comfortable in a tank top now, huh, Ben? Well, only a little bit. So here's the thing.

I'm wearing a really scandalous swimsuit right now that should not be let outside in public. I'm just saying. I'm wearing Phaedra's swimsuit right now. That is more fabric than that is currently on my body. Below the waist. Below the waist. I will say the pictures on Instagram this weekend were just flagrantly ridiculous. But I'm going to stand behind them

because my fitness goal for the past four months or five months, and I told this to Lisa, I said my fitness goal was to look good in a tank top for Gay Pride weekend. So now that Gay Pride weekend is... Success. Success. I can't even speak anymore. I'm drinking. It's okay.

Don't worry. You have a good excuse. I can tell you this much. The weekend has come and gone. I pranced around in a tank top, but I can tell you I'm going to be covered up like a true Persian. No shoulders from here on out until the rest of me catches up. You're like, can I get a man burka? I'm going to wrap myself up in a realty ad so that way no one can see anything around me. I only went to Cub scout on friday night

at the eagle with some friends for gay pride i didn't really participate in the santa monica shenanigans what did i miss and what happened to you wearing a tank top out in public did like did you lose your v-card again or not no what happened was so on saturday the story of heartbreak that also breaks my heart what was my story of heartbreak it involves some musical sisters wait are you kidding i saw the photos of the pointer sisters on that stage and it looked tragic wait no i okay i had no idea that the pointer sisters were even performing until yesterday you realize that there's only two of them left i know yes i know so i didn't know the remaining pointer sisters i didn't know they were even performing until yesterday matt i ran into our mutual friend greg and speak by one which

greg greg nelson yeah speaking of biceps like he puts us all to shame so he's hot he's hot so anyway greg was like he's like oh i didn't do gay pride that that's ridiculous however i did see the pointer sisters i was, what are you talking about? I missed the Pointer Sisters. I can't believe it. I was gallivanting around like a nymph. Like a wood sprite. Like a wood sprite. That is how one ends up missing Pointer Sisters.

Not realizing that I could have been doing the Neutron dance all this time. You could have. I'm so excited. I can't hide it guys i can't i want i wanted to jump but i but i could are you not gonna are you not gonna fit my favorite song into this little ditty of yours i don't know it depends is this an automatic process that is my that's my favorite too is that your favorite yes obvi that's my favorite my favorite my favorite then they're all tied for me i love

them all the neutron dance might be my favorite because neutrons dancing i mean it's kind of awesome well that's really nerdy it's one of those scientific i know and i called him a dork earlier and i have no room listen no i i appreciate i appreciate any pop song that works in quantum you know physics and chemistry into its, into its main premise. Totally. I, so I feel like if I, if I think of the Bravo star that I saw,

it was like so minor, such a minor, minor Bravo, Bravo star, Martin Lawrence, Ballard. So no, neither one.

I saw one of the guys from the A-list New York, but I don't even remember his name because I would logo bitch. Not, I know, I know, but that's what I'm saying. I'm getting in the area of it. I feel like I saw someone.

So I went to this stupid, I went to this gay pool party. It turns out it was just some gay guy. Logo, Bravo, homo, whatever. I got them all mixed up. I don't know what's what. You know what? If it comes to me, it comes to me. Ben's like, they all look the same to me.

They do. They do. Lisa, do you have some gossip about uh kenya moore um i have a little bit of gossip about kenya moore i was perusing the daily mail which i do pretty much every morning over a cup of coffee because i like to stay informed about current events we're learning so much today people and the headline was about kenya b kenya moore being evicted from her mansion for paying failing to pay four thousand dollars worth of rent but my my favorite favorite part was the quote uh or i'm sorry it's not the quote but what the daily mail wrote which is the former oh they corrected it

damn it they originally had it the former miss america winner has apparently been quote unquote the neighbor from hell and at one point shocking i love it oh no no here we go i'm sorry i'm sorry this is the part that i love they wrote after winning the miss america pageant in 1993 more leveraged her popularity into a relatively successful television and film career i was like everything about that line is so dismissive of her and i'm like i'm thinking that that phaedra must have written this or it's just or just a british person because that's exactly the british people operate just a very seething line about their career you know how you're writing an article and you you you don't want to refer to somebody as the same thing over and over so like oh the former miss usa winner i'm they must have

thought in the next paragraph oh the former miss america pageant they're like that shit's all the same usa america it's the same absolutely they're like we don't have miss uk and miss england it's all the damn same meanwhile you know kenya's bragging me like yeah they know about me in england they're right about me in England. Which is shocking, by the way. But yeah, I thought that was pretty funny. Well, you know, Kenya never fails to provide an endless font of comedy and ridiculousness. Much like me at this very moment.

At this very, very moment. At this very, very moment. Oh, by the way, I just remembered. Oh, it's not a Bravo star. I had a really good celebrity sighting over the weekend I just realized Well, Lisa already knows about this, but Matt, you're going to like this one Give me a hint This is so exciting for me, I can't even be bothered

To give you a hint Oh, yes, yes, yes I'm just going to go and tell you I was at Runyon Canyon You mean my backyard Well, a little bit more your backyard And i encountered terrell owens shirtless ben did you i mean i can't say the word come but did you come everywhere as close as i could without doing it were you wearing the big question were you wearing a tank top wait The bigger question is, were you schlepping those groceries for another photo while it was happening?

I was. My favorite photo ever is you. By the way, can we cut the cumming thing? That was gross. No, it's too late. We already. What are you talking about? We had a conversation about pre-C two weeks ago.

People will be okay. Yeah, but I don't like saying that. I like you and Ronnie being the dirty, gross ones. Well, it's too late, Matt. You already did it. You're drunken in Palm Springs. So this is what happens. And I don't Ronnie being the dirty, gross ones. Well, it's too late, Matt. You already did it. You're drunken in Palm Springs, so this is what happens. And I don't want to go back and edit it.

So is Terrell Owens short in real life, or is he tall? This man had one of the best bodies I've ever seen in my life. Oh my god, I love that you are still verklempt. No. You're still verklempt. You didn't even answer the question. How tall is he? I think he's like 6'2". And let me tell you how hot he is before I even get to how tall he is.

He was like 6'2", pure muscle, and to how tall he is he was like six two pure muscle and on top of that he was like smiling for some reason and you know trell owens has like an amazing smile this was like this i'm telling you last year i got to i got to meet chad out your so 2012 was my was chad just in go and 2013 is trell owens and uh so 2013 um 2014 i don't even know which black athlete it's gonna be maybe victor cruz maybe 2013, 2014, I don't even know which black athlete it's going to be. Maybe Victor Cruz, maybe Dwight Howard.

I don't know. Everything's going so well. Oh, and he just did the diving show recently. He was very cute on that. He did. He did. He did with Kim

and Kyle Richards. Yes, Bravo tie-in. We did it, guys. We made it relevant. That was a Bravo show, wasn't it? It was on Fox. Oh, sorry.

Bravo doesn't really... They're so similar bravo doesn't really do sports um why don't we uh speaking of kelly and day things why don't we get right into some of our shows should we do it can we talk about let's start with oh we have to start with oc i mean i agree as best episode of the It was hilarious. I was cracking up the entire time. I completely forgot that Alexis was still on the show. Okay, that's exactly where I wanted to start because I was like, can we just get Alexis out of the way and talk about her wearing that dead animal coat to dinner for four seconds before we get back to the amazingness of Puerto Vallarta? seconds before we get back to the amazingness of Puerto Vallarta. Well,

the thing I loved about that scene was when they came into what appears to be some kind of upscale ish chain, Italian restaurant, her little banter with the guy that made her do like, to me, it seemed like a low rent version of that scene in Goodfellas where Ray Leota is like leading her through this play, this great table. I mean, they just, Oh, ha little banter. How are the kids? in Goodfellas where Ray Liotta is leading her through this play. It's all one shot. This great table. I mean, they just, oh,

little banter. How are the kids? How's the wife? How's the chin? And they go sit down. I'm like, how's the chin? Did you just say, how's the chin? I did. I was going to say, I think Ronnie's just been replaced. I know. I'm sorry, Ronnie. No, no, no. Bite your tongue.

So what I loved about that maitre d' was he was like that uber Italian maitre d' from the Simpsons whenever they go to an Italian restaurant. And he's like, ah, mamma mia, meet the bolla. Yes, it was. And you're like, this is the fucking Orange County. What is happening? When you hear your family.

It was probably an Olive Garden with a fresh awning out. I think you're right. It was Olive Garden's new concept. It was called Rigatoni Field. And the only difference is the salad and breadsticks are not bottomless. Because that makes it classier. A taste of Tuscany.

If you got to pay for each one of them. So you know what I loved about that scene? It was a very small thing. I think only I noticed it. But when this crazy maitre d' brought them to their table alexis did this cute seal of voices she goes thank you i was like i don't know why for some reason that like exemplified everything about alexis like cute and vapid and dumb and uh there's really nothing else beyond that as soon as they sat down here's what i love as soon as

they sat down alexis and jim had to justify exactly why this scene would even be in the episode she was so she was immediately like so honey oh great romantic night about those ladies i wonder what they're doing in puerto vallarte lydia texted me blah blah and the minute he shoots that down like i don't want to talk about them anymore they had like nothing to talk about so how those trampolines i have an important question how the hell i mean she makes you know she was such like comic gold last season when she thought she was becoming the next katie cure however what why did bravo even bother to bring them back this season i mean they are pointless i think i can't tell you know what i think that they wanted to have somebody who was definitely not a full-fledged

cast member because lydia is clearly replacing her yeah i i i but yeah i don't know why either well because there was some there was a lot of drama with alexis and obviously she and tamra got in that big fight and um i think there's still potential for a lot of comedy gold as she uh goes on the journey of being a thespian so to be fair he is really really dumb that is true oh my god we have to bring this up again but when they were doing the acting class and they asked her like what's the most recent movie you've seen and somebody in the class was like serpico and then they pointed to her and she was like a fucking mary kate and ashley movie i i was just fun i can't i can't get over it i can't get over it no i i think alexis has a role in this show and even if it's very small i think i think she should be there but that being

said lydia you know what i like about lydia i like everything about i like everything about i like oh uh i met someone who's friends with her this weekend. I think maybe that was my Bravo tie-in. Really sad. That's my tie-in, that I met someone who's friends with her. But hopefully he can, like, broker some sort of meeting with Lydia. But here's the thing. I like Lydia.

I think she's funny. I think she's sweet. I think she's smart. She even had a line where she said that something was a more cohesive something with her. Let me tell you, when she used the word purgatory in the correct sense, I was like, I'm on board. Except for maybe Heather, who even though she could use the word purgatory, Heather is such a grumpy Gus, right?

I can't deal with her. You are being really generous because, again, I mean, Lisa, we talk about this every single week, but it is so effed up that in the opening sequence, Heather keeps saying like, oh, well, you think blondes have more fun. Wait, you haven't met me. And it's like this woman could not be more of a pain in the fucking ass. I know. She's like, okay, guys, let me take you to an empty bullring. To make their apology, she was, no lie, head to toe, in black, looking like freaking Mrs. Munster.

Yeah, Morticia Adams. Morticia Adams chastising them. Excuse me, excuse me. Please refer to her as guest star on Hot in Cleveland, not Heather DeBruyne. I know. For your consideration. See, I was trying to post this yesterday maybe i did speak up speak up matt you're getting quiet sorry i thought i was posting this on watch what crap happens yesterday but i

was on the cbs lot yesterday and it's where they were taping hot in cleveland and i was hoping to bump it hoping to bump into her because she's such a major thespian but it did not happen i mean obviously obviously she'll be asked back you know because this they'll have recurring references to the real housewives of tampa which is the fictional universe that she hails from but it did not happen. I mean, obviously she'll be asked back, you know, because they'll have recurring references to The Real Housewives of Tampa, which is the fictional universe that she hails from. Well, Matt, perhaps she simply stepped into the powder room and you left without giving her any warning.

I know. There. Yeah, Matt, maybe you should have waited around a little bit longer. How dare I go to the, what's the name of the bar Vicky loves? Andalais. Andalais.

I didn't go to the Andalais of Studio City last night. I'm sorry. Which, by the way, is also called Andalais, I'm sure. So, guys, I have to say, I typed down two quotes that were my favorite. Wait, excuse me. Are you taking more notes than Ben and myself? I took no notes. It was gay pride weekend.

I couldn't take notes. It's kind of a hobby of mine anyways. But Heather, these two overblown reactions. end i couldn't take notes it's kind of a hobby of mine anyways but um heather heather's these two re overblown reactions heather says she says something like even though tamra vicky and lydia basically left us on a street corner in mexico dot dot dot and gretchen says i am i truly am more devastated than anything you, she's not more devastated by the fact that her boyfriend Slade has a son that's dying of cancer.

No, this is more devastating. Well, I can understand because her friendship with Tamara is probably the most important relationship in her life at this moment. Undoubtedly. This was, to me, this was honestly one of my favorite episodes of OC in maybe two or three seasons.

Because it was full of fighting and none of it had any... Including bullfighting. Including bullfighting. All sorts of creatures. And yet none of it was really important fighting. It was all just like petty shit. And they were just going after it. And this sort of gets back to Lydia.

Which is that one thing that I really like about her is that she's sweet but she's smart and she does have a backbone and if someone sort of steps to her she does step back and i like were you guys weren't you so happy that she gave it to gretchen in the back of that limousine oh my god by the way that sounds a lot sexier than it was it was the antithesis of sexy but i like that she gave it to her oh you're absolutely right like the minute gretchen started talking some shit under her breath lydia's like no turn and face me yes tell me what the problem is yeah yeah she doesn't do passive aggressive and i like that i mean shows are all about like these different arcs and these crazy swings and who's our favorite to who we hate and i mean we've hated gretchen for a while now but like yes i last night everything changed because i was like i'm finally fully on board with lydia

like i kind of liked her but now i love her yeah and in a weird bizarro situation i now am so back to team vicky because i'm like she's the only one who wants to have fun and sleep around and i i am all for having fun and sleeping around i'm like back and forth forth on Vicky, which I do like when you're back and forth with people because on the one hand she does have the most fun and on the one hand she's also, she is, she makes some very good points, you know? She's the most, you know what, she's the most

polarizing one on there and they, she knows, they can't, I don't think they could do that show without her at this point. No way in hell. But that being said though, she's also a super bitch. I mean she started up with, she started up with Gretchen. Oh absolutely. We're not denying that Ben, we're not denying that way but that being said though she's also a super bitch i mean she started oh absolutely she started we're not denying that bad we're not denying yeah i'm saying it's like that's what makes her fun i mean i i recorded a vicky quote and uh may i may i just pull it up here let's see only if it is the one with her whipping out the ginormous dildo no no

it's not that let's see let's see if i can get this work lisa this is part of the fun of the podcast is that i record a quote on my phone and then i press play and my phone is like uh excuse me what was that what do you want me to do and so there's awkward silence but let's let's see if we can do this right here okay see He's never gonna hurt. Oh my god! I totally laughed. I laughed so hard when she said how, when she was so annoyed about Gretchen's concern about the matador. I know, but I'm surprised that you also didn't capture the other quote of her, because clearly Vicky's favorite word this season is stupid. I know.

She said it again last night. She was like, don't, stop being so stupid. Vicky's conf confessionals this season are comic gold shut up shut up you're stupid by the way i also recorded a quote from alexis that i forgot to bring up it was like this really strange moment that uh i felt needed needed to be documented something about the running faster, I bet. Give me that fourth baby. Oh yeah, give me that fourth baby. Give me that fourth baby.

I don't think she wants another baby. I just think she realizes that she has so little to offer this show that she better pretend like she wants something. She better put a pillow under that tank because that's the only way she's coming back for next season. Oh, and the bullfighting. Did you guys notice this? I thought this was really funny.

The bullfighting got very serious. All of a sudden, Tamara got really introspective when she was, like, naming the bull after Eddie's last game. I was like, this is so weird. It got really somber. And then they left. She was like, it's right after when Lydia's like, good job with the bachelorette party, Gretchen. I know.

Well, Tamara was like, you know, I grew up in a family where we didn't talk about our feelings about bullfighting. So it was very emotional. I'm calling that psychotherapy by Gretchen. Oh my God. Speaking by Gretchen. Oh my god. Speaking of Gretchen, how fucking funny was it when Gretchen is handing out the bags at the end of the night and Vicky's like, they cut to Vicky again in the confessional, the best thing ever, where she's like, I wonder if it's filled with Gretchen Christine Beauté products. And then cut to the women pulling out Gretchen Beauté's suntan lotion, eye cream, all this shit. And then it's back to the confessional and it's Vicky going, uh-huh.

I'm surprised that Gretchen didn't hand out a complimentary fleur-de-lis fresh from Marshall's. Fleur-de-lis bookends. And her dressed like a belly dancer. Yeah. By the way, the other thing I'd like to comment about the bull uh the bull fight was that they walked it was like a rickety stadium that clearly has not been used in about 15 years um have you been to puerto vallarta it's a rickety mess oh well i mean i just had to assume that because it was in mexico but but i but i but i love it a little mexican zing there but i love

that there's this one like malnourished bull that's wandering around this sad stadium sad arena any of us any of us could have taken that bull come on it was like an emaciated dying bull it was like please let me die in dignity and not in front of these four wenches it might have been gina kehoe in costume oh that's good oh wait we lost lisa by the way she's gonna but it's gonna try to connect her but uh in case anyone's really concerned maybe she was abducted in the mean streets of puerto vallarta by somebody who works at on delay i know they recruited her to dance on the bars and put on flashing uh flashing ears up top let's see if we can get her back on. Well, she'll come back on

in time. But you know, let's talk about that whole brouhaha, which is... Oh, wait, hold on. Lisa just texted me. She's trying to get back on. Guys, this is an emergency. Let's talk about the brouhaha of... Lisa, stop texting me. Like, was it a big

deal that they went to Andalais and left the ladies or not? And then they, you know, and then we have to talk about the bachelorette party. Yes. Wait, hold on one second. Oh, Lisa crashed. Lisa crashed, guys. So let me try to get her back on.

You guys who are listening, that doesn't mean she crashed her car. It means her computer crashed. Yeah. We're going to try to get her back into the mix here. I know this is very exciting for people, but I'm not like a newscaster. I'm not capable of continuing to tell the news while something's happening in my earpiece. Wait, are you not the Connie Chung to my Maury Povich? No, I wish.

I wish I was splayed out on a piano making a strange video for you, but no. Okay, we'll just have to wait for Lisa to come back. Okay, so let's talk about this. So they go off without her, and it was definitely passive-aggressive, and I think they should have waited for them. But that being said, why didn't Gretchen and Heather just text these women?

Okay, here's the thing. Heather is boring and sucks, and look, she wanted to leave and go to bed during the middle of her boring fucking dinner that she set up. So if Heather wanted to leave and be boring, fine the middle of her boring fucking dinner that she set up. So if Heather wanted to leave and be boring, fine. Gretchen is a fun party girl. Why didn't Gretchen just be like, fuck it, Heather, let's just go to Andalas.

Or if you want to go back to the hotel, welcome back. Hello, hello. We're talking about the politics of Puerto Vallarta in terms of who is more to blame. In terms of the girls leaving Heather and Gretchen, that's pretty fucked up, but why didn't Heather and Gretchen just text them? And Vicky mentioned Andalas only about 50 times

that night. Why didn't they just go to Andalas? Right. Lisa, my whole thing is this. Heather should have gone back to the hotel and Gretchen should have met up with them. The end. Yeah, exactly. Or you know what? Honestly, if you've gone on a trip all the way to Mexico to go party, fucking go party. Why can't you and Heather go out and have your own little fucking adventures? Because it was.

It turned into Gretchen trying to make it be about her. And it's like, look, the truth is it's about the 45-year year old who's getting married for the third time if you want to have a nice romantic dinner in a quiet a quiet setting go to antonio's in orange county yeah want to go party like some drunk sluts that are way too old to be wearing those outfits go to andalas with vicky gunvalson exactly now to be fair they totally could have just gotten a couple of cocktails and caught up with the girls. And I mean, it's not that fucking big of a town, I'm imagining. Yeah.

Hello, I've been there twice. You can like loop it. And you know, as long as you're wearing your chastity belt, you can make two loops in about two hours. Hold on. My landline is ringing and I'm going to, I have to shut it off. I don't know why anyone has a landline. I have a landline for my thing downstairs. And the only time i ever get called is during the podcast

oh my god you also have like an old school like boxy um things are really exciting over here what's that thing why i don't know what the thing is called his phone lights up wait what's that thing called an answering machine do you have what the thing is called? His phone lights up. Wait, what's that thing called? An answering machine. Do you have one of those? I do. I like to embrace 1995 technology. He sends me emails via printing press.

I have a dot matrix printer. No, I will say this. If I were Gretchen and Heather, I for sure would have been angry because we organized this and then they ditched us. Excuse me. I have to stop you. Wait. No, no, no. Don't stop me.

You do not stop me. You do not. I just did. I just did. Fine. Because here's the thing. What the fuck did Gretchen organize? She threw some penises in a bag.

Let me finish my sentence, good sir, which is that I would be annoyed for sure. But like if you were 17 years old, you would sit there and stew in the drama. But if you are of a certain age, you sort of get over it and figure it out. Or – and honestly, to bring it back to this gay pride weekend, everything is – so you go out. You go out. Everything is crazy. You're with a group of people. You get separated.

It's what happens. You know? And you text people. You have to fucking put on your big girl panties and figure it out. Yeah. They don't wear panties. They pee in beds without underwear on. I'm glad.

I'm glad. That's what I need. That was fucking hysterical. Oh, my God. Now that's Vicky's bed. She marked it. I know. She marked her territory.

And then I love later in the show when Vicky's like, come on, we've all done it. No, we haven't all done it. Yeah. She's like, I leaked. So what? I leaked. I feel like I wrote it down. What did she say?

The way she said it was really funny. Something like, everybody leaks sometimes. Nini leaks. Oh, that was good. That was really good. Look, I will probably end up pissing in the pool in this backyard right now, which is totally inappropriate. But it will blend in. Yeah, when you're drinking in the pool, who wants to really get out to pee when you're all wet?

Like, I'll probably do that, but I'm not going to pee on my friend's bed tonight. I don't know what was... I don't know what was more of an awful image. The sight of the splotch on Tamara's bed or the splotch on Vicky's butt. No, the splotch on Vicky's butt because the splotch on the bed was a little more

mysterious. No, it was not mysterious. When you saw it on her butt, when you were able to put two and two together, that's when it got – that's when shit got real. Yeah. I think that now takes over the famous image of Fergie peeing her pants on stage as my favorite urination moment in pop culture. My favorite female public urination. Yes. The urination sensation seen around culture. My favorite female public urination. Yes. Urination sensation seen around the world.

Okay, so then the next day... No, later that night, the girls come home because they're wearing... By the way, we have to talk about Lydia being a bit of a hypocrite because she can't look at other men's junk in Speedos with strippers dancing, but she's allowed to dance on a bar with two other.

Please stop using the word hypocrite. You're not even using it right. Please stop using the word hypocrite. Lydia figured out that these strippers were going to be fucking chubby and not cute. And she's like, Oh, now I can't see a penis.

She's like, Oh, it's the bussers from on delay. I don't know. I was just going to say, is it racist to say that? I think they picked him up at a parking lot on the way over. They're the ones, uh, their day job is to take care of an emaciated bull.

I was going to say, I thought at least the matador was like more in shape than these little chunky monkeys. The matador had a nice ass, let's be real. He did. He looked very good in his matador tracks. He put in those pants. They should have grabbed the matador and figured out what to do with him later i'm sure vicky woke up in a bed with the matador that just is going to be shown at the end of the season on lost footage although i just say about vicky i love how vicky acted like they weren't hot enough for her yeah i know there were some very unflattering

images trust me you are like a trip to the dentist for making one of these guys your boyfriend so calm down um wait so then later that night ben were you gonna talk about how they woke them up yeah and so yeah that was rude that was bad because it's like you know what you knew you're already on the bad side don't come in drunk and laugh your way through your apology but it was by it was by design on vicky's part because essentially she wanted to rub it in gretchen's face that look tamra actually has more fun with me than you her new bff bitch and i'll say this vicky had an ulterior motive the entire time and you know even though heather is very dour when they walked in there i thought

like heather stated her case well i thought you know considering this situation listen i i am defending rational thought and i thought she said listen i thought what you guys did was uncool which i think it was uncool what they did admittedly heather could have done things to fix it but i think heather stated her thing fine but then in comes gretchen being all pissy and like gretchen was hilarious like a 14 year old girl it was it was at that moment i just loved it was laughing gretchen's face you think this is funny you think this is funny yeah i thought that was really um that was really funny it was very it was funny here it was very funny it was like it was so not about anything that was actually going on at that moment it's it's like i know shit's not going great with Slade.

It never can be. Everything is riding on a successful bachelorette party for you. She's like, I skipped a weekend that I could have been touring TJ Maxx for new rooster art to come down here. I bet you both $5 out of our petty cash that she now thinks that she's going to start

up a new business. Our part of the Gretchen Christine product line is going to be gift bags for bachelorette parties bank on it bank on it yeah you're right oh gosh um uh so Gretchen was Gretchen was very very angry at these women oh oh here's what I wrote down I made sure to put this quote exactly because Tamara Tamara's another one who should never leave this show because she's such the master manipulator. The minute the heat starts getting on Tamra about going off with them when she gets. Then she starts her head starts to hang low like a puppy dog. I'm like the minute like she pulls out the suicide at 12 cards.

I know fucking nowhere. I'm like, damn, girl, you play that ace of spades pretty quickly here's the fucked up thing about it all of us that are watching this show at home are going like oh my god not again all of her castmates fall for it every fucking time and gretchen's like i never knew that about you i never knew that about you here's the quote tamra out of nowhere up until this point has been giggling and having a great time with vicky just like oh oh gretchen's overreacting and then she says to gretchen it could it was actually quieting down gretchen was getting calmed down and tamra says

she actually said something at the end of the night that really bothered me yeah yeah and that was my plan worked and i'm like oh my god and then all of a sudden here she is let me see i'm just like if you didn't catch every detail she's sitting there sunglasses in a white bikini with the word bachelorette across her breasts holding a cocktail and that's when she's confessing about her troubled suicidal childhood past like wow but i made i made definite note of that bikini top with fake rhinestones spelling out bachelorette you know we see bachelorette parties all over hollywood and west hollywood walking up and down the sunset strip and to me they always seem like yeah well no to me they always seem like they're like this because every time

what happens is you see like first you see uh the bachelorette walking down huffy and angry with a friend sort of muttering in her ear and then like about 20 feet behind you see three girls sort of like with their arms crossed and they look like they don't know what to do and then about 20 feet behind her you see like another woman like really angry and clearly that one got into a fight with the bachelorette and i just imagine that every bachelorette party is never fun. It's just a bunch of women getting angry at each other and then other women having to console them the entire time. Okay, let me tell you this. I actually threw a bachelorette party for one of my BFFs, Pam, last year.

We actually went to Cancun and did essentially what these girls did at Andalas, but in Cancun. And, yes, there was penises everywhere and earrings and light-up shit on our heads that we bought from creepy street vendors. The whole shebang. However, the night always ends in tears. What happened?

The words get said when tequila gets drunk. Yeah. And they're girls. You get a lot of girls in the room. And you put a gay man in the mix, and it's a whole other situation. I was going to say, put a gay man in the mix, and it's a whole other situation. I was going to say, as the only woman on the podcast, I've never been to any that end in tears. But here's the thing. I've always been to ones that were so big that we kind of splinter off. So the crying girls can go and do whatever the fuck they want.

I end up at the gay bar or the strip club every single time, and I don't know how. And I'll tell you what. Nobody's crying in there. No one. Unless you're at the Mexican strip club every single time and i don't know how and i'll tell you what nobody's crying i am there no one unless you're at the gay bar but those straight women are having a grand old time the only one who's crying is the poor bull who's like i just want some grass well you know who i felt the worst for was um they finally cut a reaction shot of him but when they're having that fight in the limo i was like there's that guy in the front who's just at the very end they cut a reaction shot of him but when they're having that fight in the limo i was like there's that guy in the front who's just at the very end they cut a reaction of him like looking super super awkward yeah okay is it too soon to say this but i mean the entire time i'm watching that i'm thinking

about that horrible tragedy that happened in the back of a bachelorette limousine a few weeks ago oh i didn't know about what happened i just i tend to tune out all Bachelorette Party news. You know what I imagined? In my head, Matt, I imagined that he was coordinating their kidnapping and that when the fighting really started to escalate, he's texting very quietly, abort, abort, not open. That would have been amazing if it ended up becoming the real off-tribs of Mexico City prison. He's like, listen, I'm just going to behead myself. I'm just going to change the plans. You guys keep your heads. I'm just going to behead myself. I'm just going to change the plans. You guys keep your heads. I'm just going to cut my own head. I'm going to slit my own throat.

You bitches aren't worth it. I'm pretty confident nobody's paying to get your asses back. Ben, did you just suggest that the driver was going to behead himself to get away from the women?

No, not the driver. The tour guide. Oh, the tour guide. Whatever. Because that would be ridiculous. Yeah. Well, because then they'd all crash i mean let's let's be honest i know let's be real that was just i love that lydia we mentioned this before i love that lydia confronted gretchen in that limo so that was another big fight but we already talked about that and then and then they had um we have to talk about the strippers we have to talk about the gifts we have before that

the cocktail party where where vicky started up with Gretchen. We didn't really talk about that, did we? Or did we? We need to talk about Vicky and Gretchen screaming at each other, sitting in the chaise lounges with statement dangling earrings. Okay, let me tell you something. So one of my favorite parts is Vicky. I have a question for Lisa. Lisa, do you wear chandelier earrings?

You know what? I don't. The problem is that i have been wearing earrings since i was three months old so i even forget i have them i wear little hoops do you ever look at those women and go oh my god how are their earlobes not nine feet long well i worry about that because i have a great aunt and i'm like that's the part that is honestly you have hit the nail on the head on the part of my body that I'm most concerned about aging well. Because who wants to have big old floppy earlobes?

My grandmother, rest in peace. She, as she got older, you know, some people like old men, sometimes their noses get bigger. My grandmother's earlobes grew and grew. You know what they need? They need an ear bra. They do. It's terrifying because now they're going to – well, I'm just waiting to hopefully when I reach that age, there will be something that can – the laser that can shoot at my earlobes. And they'll be perky and as cute as when I was three months old.

That's not messed up at all. I want body parts of a three month old. Listen, I think we should care about my breasts. I don't care about anything else. It could all go to hell, but I want to have nice earlobes. I think we should all dress like Vicky because if there's anything we learned

about Vicky during this fight, it's that she should be viewed as a mentor, viewed as a mentor. And she should always wear a dramatic floppy hat. That's what i loved when she's lying was actually quite i did love that hat i'm not even i i love when she's gone with the wind fabulous there i said it i love when she was lying there on that chair in her floppy hat with big sunglasses and lipstick smeared on like she was some crazy prozac addict and she's like

i should be viewed as a mentor well i have I have to tell you, after this season, the person that she looks like to me is, do you remember when Ron Perlman was in that Beauty and the Beast soap opera? You're terrible. Ron Perlman in Beauty and the Beast meets Joan Van Ark. That was meant to Ron Perlman. Yeah. Exactly. But, yeah, she, whenever she's partying, her hair gets so crazy. that was mean to Ron Perlman yeah exactly but yeah she whenever she's partying her hair gets so

crazy she always looks like she's been gangbanged by like a stable of horses well why do you think she has to piddle so frequently well that's why she walks like that too although weirdly you guys are fucked up I know I'm the worst but I have to say weirdly when

she came out in her little cover-up, I thought her legs looked really good. Oh, okay. Who'd give her that? Who'd give her that? So I love that she starts up with Gretchen. Oh, she starts saying, oh, Gretchen, start drinking because once you start drinking, you'll be fun. And then once you're fun, we'll all have fun. Which, by the way, fair enough.

Fair enough. Point well taken, except for by G gretchen who did not like it um so anyway then we get to our the party at night where gretchen they all decide to be fake to each other they have these like three fights in the day and then at night they're all sweet to each other like oh my god gretchen you did such a good job you're such a great job i'm telling you a hot a hot shower and a nap will do you good. It's true. It's true. You will forgive a lot. By the way, did anyone notice that at that bachelor party that the chef served them shrimp fresh from the Mexican waters?

I thought Gretchen was going to keel over when she saw it. I was laughing my ass off. I was laughing my ass off. I'm like, don't they know that Gretchen does not eat Mexican shrimp? Even though all the shrimp from Trader Joe's is imported from Mexico, by the way. But she will allow a Mexican stripper to jam her face into his junk. Yes. Because you know he's the fisherman who got the shrimp, right?

He caught it with his shrimp. I'm sure his taint is dirtier than those shrimp. I'm sure his thong is made from shrimp nets oh she was all right with it already he wanted to whip it out i think it was the only thing that was keeping it from being whipped out was bravo producers can i say something really disgusting so did you notice by the way like they were they were blurring some of it but like at the end then they just blurred like the tip yeah yeah it was so i'm like look you could see the whole thing wait you don't like could it have been to find a decent looking goddamn stripper well they're all at on delays looking g-string my god i mean like how i'm green it's too tacky

listen these strippers have they have their own client base and they're like uh we can't be seen grinding up on vicky gunvalson okay vicky's like oh they have semen on their chest the strippers are like oh they got p on their vag they're like oh this is ron carlman from beauty and the beast oh man uh so was there anything else can we talk about the gifts for a second? Yes. I want to talk about the gifts that she received. Obviously, Heather had to show that she's wild and crazy by giving Tamara a faux diamond studded whip.

Because I'm sure she really has one of those. Yeah. She is so not fun and she is so trying way too hard. I know. Well, let's get back to the original sense of what a bachelorette party ostensibly is supposed to be for that I can't get over. It's supposed to, like, all these penises and all this shit, it's supposed to make you embarrassed because this is your first husband. This is supposed to, like, the origin of this shit is that you've never had sex before. the origin of this shit is that you've never had sex before it's so laughable that they're even remotely blushing considering all the penises that these women have encountered in the course

of their lives that the fact that they're encountered encountered why don't you just say ingested tamra has ingested more tamra has ingested more penis than the bathroom stall at the abbey i'm surprised she hasn't puked up a baby at this point. Oh, my God. And by the way, the jokes about the pregnancy test, like they're gotten pregnant. Ha ha ha. It's all fun and games until you realize these idiots packed a pregnancy test for that gag or someone really was concerned that they might get pregnant on this trip.

Excuse me. It's not my camera. What was that? Sorry. what was that sorry that was that was alexis saying excuse me tamra is still not able to she can't have a baby at that age can she well god no it would have to fight its way out it's like buster blues i was gonna say it's probably like the girl at the end of that movie the descent like crawling out of that cave oh my god we just i'm sorry brief aside that is like one of my favorite horror movies of all time

that it's the best horror movie ever because it's it's it's such an underrated gem we will discuss this later offline well you know i think it i think it's your beasts to slay on this podcast i think it was i think it was a a wonderful reference to make because when i think of tamra's vagina i think of caves and spelunking and monsters and and straight to dvd sequels by the way exactly you know what i also loved uh i loved in the show um the line between what penises get blurred out and which ones do not so if it's cartoony and has a smiley face and googly eyes not blurred out but if it's a giant six foot long dong that comes out of a box blurred out massively. Well, if it's about to go into Eddie's butt, then.

I was wondering if you just put a smiley face on that dildo, would it lose its blur? You put a smiley face on anything and it comes into crystal clear focus. Andy Cohen's like, hey, that's cute. And then didn't you think it was kind of rude? Like then they cut to Tamara going, Vicky says, oh, well, Brianna picked it out for you. And then they cut to Tamara and like the confessional going,

like mother, like daughter. I was like, what does that mean? I know, you know, Brianna's at home going, ugh, leave me out of this. Exactly, like I'm not paid enough to do this bullshit. She's sitting there dusting off the Kelly Anderson. I'm here with real people problems. Leave me alone.

I know. I know. All right. So was there anything else about OC? Because we should probably move on to another show since we've been – We've got to move on. But the thing that we want to talk about most is Princesses colon Long Island. But before we get there, let's just briefly do New Jersey because it was so boring yet there were three hilarious moments.

Oh, wait. Okay. I'm going to say something. I'm going to say something. I'm going to say something. Okay. By the way, we got some flack a little bit because last week we were talking. We made some perhaps tasteless jokes about Jacqueline's. Not me.

Well, to be fair, Ronnie went on a rant about Jacqueline's son and the autism, and I may have piled on this a little bit. And in all fairness, we were really making fun of Jacqueline, but we did offend some people and we're sorry we really didn't mean to offend in all fairness i wasn't on that podcast so i'm sorry guys these people are so uncouth but but to show that i did have a heart i'm not gonna lie i got a little choked up when nicholas said i i love you too jacklyn i'm I'm not going to lie. I mean, look, this is what we were getting at last week. Jacqueline is a camera whore. And this is like her story arc for the season. And it's kind of disgusting that she's putting this at the forefront.

However, when we step back, though, we all do believe, Ashley aside, that Jacqueline seems to be a good mother with her children that she's had with Chris. Obviously, this is causing a lot of strain on their relationship. It's causing a lot of stress in her life and with her friends. It was a nice moment. She's trying to do the best she can. I feel you guys, though, because I know what you're talking about. Using the child as a trophy is bullshit. And exactly like you said, Ashley aside, Ashley aside.

Right, because we know Jacqueline is capable of horribleness. Yeah. Jacqueline's like, you know, Ashley's calling and going, I love you, Mom. And she's like, ugh, click. Oh, there's Ashley high on the gas fumes again in her apartment. Call your father in Texas. She's like, ugh, did you get on a plane unsuccessfully again? Okay,

you know what, Lisa? You're hitting the nail on the head. We can't let Jacqueline go unscathed. She is a terrible person. Yeah, exactly. It's like, if you're looking at this from the context of just this season without understanding Jacqueline's arc as a mother, then it's very different. But you know what?

The kid, we'll leave the kid out of it. I know exactly what you're talking about. Yeah, we don't, we don't mean to make light of it. There's plenty of horrible children without autism to rag on. Exactly. I mean,

we've got tons to work with here. So we can start with like, let's not limit ourselves. We can start with Gia and Melania, for instance. Those kids all seem to hate each other. I love it. Gia is such a pill.

She's so awful. Melania, as we mentioned last week, we have yet to see her stick her dirty little ass into a salad display at the supermarket. But it will happen again. We are sure. She loves to rub her body on prepackaged foods. She loves to sully fresh produce. That's for sure. You know what, guys?

I'm thinking it's a cultural thing that I don't understand. It's an Italian thing. You know, like, if you're in Orange County, you pee on the bed to mark your territory. And if you're in New Jersey, you stick your ass in the prepackaged salad aisle. So the big thing this week was that um teresa's house is falling apart oh my god how hilarious was that that was hilarious was that that that basin that wash basin or whatever you call it a sink i was trying to be fancy for a second i think it's probably because i'm drinking pinot grigio you're a a fancy guy. We don't hold it against you.

That wash basin was plywood with fake jewel rock glued to it by Joe Gorga. Now, if that is an advertisement for the Joe Gorga construction company, no wonder why all these motherfuckers are filing for bankruptcy. I know. all these motherfuckers are filing for bankruptcy i know well i love that his defense was hey you want all the bells and whistles of a thing that doesn't fall apart then you're gonna have to pay for it yeah then buy the real sick buy the real sick i love that woman that realtor jen dalton i think that was her name right jen dalton or something like that i love clearly making a play to get on this cast well she's clearly gonna be like the the friend of of the season and she wants she's the she's the kim the new kim d she she has the voice of someone who's been around the block she's like i can't i can't sell this up this apartment for 3.8 you need to have a pool in the back

which by the way this woman style diddy she wants to maybe buy the house she didn't even say style diddy she goes this woman has a baby with Diddy. I'm sorry. Does any woman want that to be her title? Diddy my baby daddy. That didn't set women's rights back 50 years. That's the equivalent. In Jersey, that's the equivalent of having the royal collar or whatever it is, the herald or like the Duke and Grand Duchess of whatever sandwich. The sixth baby mama of baby.

By the way, can I say something? The cutaway shots on Jersey, I don't know if it's this year or not. Hey, Ben, wait a second. You're allowed to say whatever you want. This is your podcast. Really? Thanks, guys. So, the cutaway shots of Jersey, whenever they're transitioning, they show these aerial shots of the neighborhoods of Jersey.

And I don't know what neighborhoods. Maybe they're flying over Camden, New Jersey, a.k.a. the most dangerous neighborhood in the country. But it's like the most run-down neighborhoods of, like, dead trees and shabby homes. I'm like, oh, this is real scenic. They showed the projects. Yeah, this is worse than Freeport, Long Island, which, as we know, is like you just don't even go there. Well, I mean, I'm going to take your word for it. I don't know, Ben.

I feel like I hear that there's a lot of princesses, a lot of royalty. You guys, can we spend like three more minutes on Jersey because it sucks because we need to get to princesses ASAP. OK, so basically, Teresa and Carolyn had talked things out and it was actually like to be honest considering these two it was a fairly civilized conversation Ben hello do you realize it's civilized because Caroline is like if I'm going to stay on this show I have to be able to talk to Teresa yeah no I know I agree

exactly I agree with you this whole season of Jersey and granted it's only been two or three episodes has all been so scripted this has been the most fake season of any housewives i've ever seen i'm completely hating it and i fucking cannot stand caroline trying to pretend that she deserves a daytime talk show because she's a goddamn therapist guess what caroline you do have too many roles and you're a pain in the ass and nobody gives a fuck and your husband's cheating

on you and your daughter's an asshole and your sons are creeps here we go um i uh i i love personally that teresa once again announced that she holds no grudges and uh she doesn't she doesn't like to live in the past okay by the way anytime that is said on the real housewives means they are still holding a grudge and they don't live in and they currently do live in the i love yeah it's the i hold no grudges but j but Jacqueline should apologize to me. I know. They're all idiots. Yeah, but they were – they are so boring.

I agree with you with the Caroline thing. I used to think she was interesting, but it's like, ugh, she has the same spiel every time where she's like, let me talk. Let me talk. Let me talk. Let me talk. It's like, ugh, shut up. Let me tell you something about my family. I also think it's hilarious. Like, I'm sorry, but every time she tries to have this conversation with – I cannot speak.

I'm like mumbling. Every time she tries to have this conversation with Teresa, Teresa always kind of roadblocks her by going, what about your sister Dina? You know what? I thought that was – I have to say that's the smartest thing I've heard come out of Teresa's mouth. And I agree with her. It's like, you know what? You're not my freaking umpire. Yeah.

This is my family. Get the fuck out of it can we also talk about brother Joe should get some balls and talk to her to his sister himself exactly exactly um also I'd like to mention uh Caroline's sister Franny who basically is like oh yeah yeah she's the only one who had an interesting moment I love that she looks exactly like Caroline and dina mixed together like exactly it looks like my tax lady with penny marshall having a baby she looks like uh the travel agent who told everyone that on delays was the hot spot to be she looks like suzanne summers and cousin it had a baby she looks like uh dearly departed bonnie franklin met a bad uh bleach job which would be the same as saying caroline manzo who met a bad beach job um yeah she didn't really

do anything i just thought she looks funny um let's see last i guess my last thought is uh we talk a lot about how melissa you know melissa's not great the whole idea that she would make Joe sell this huge multimillion dollar home, his dream home. That he built with his hands. And by built with his hands, I mean he glued plywood together. Yeah. He had the hot glue gun out for like hours and hours and hours. He was macraming. Yeah.

There was a lot of bedazzling that happened. He bedazzled some shingles and macrame, those floorboards. There's some bumpets in the attic. The house is fine. Load-bearing bumpets. Did you just say load-bearing bumpets? Yeah. That is our new band.

Just letting you know that's our new band name. Load-bearing bumpets. But still, I mean, honestly, the fact that she would make him go through this whole rigmarole, although, okay, we know it's really just for the show that does lend credence to teresa saying that uh melissa is a sort of a terrible woman but i mentioned this last week and we can see that the tide is turning first of all everybody hated caroline last season that is not changing anytime soon but the tide is going to be turning and people are going to start hating melissa in the next three weeks and teresa is going to start getting more fans.

It's just it's fucked up. But it's the cyclical nature of this demented shit we love. You know who deserves more fans? It's Kathy. Kathy. Because Kathy is the best. She's who I thought you were talking about at first. I got excited prematurely.

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You can binge all episodes of Academy early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus. From Wondery, this is Black History For Real. I'm Francesca Ramsey and I'm Consciously what do most people think about when they hear the words Black History Rosa Parks Reconstruction MLK February Black History Month exactly exactly there are so many stories of Black History that we just are not really talking about or thinking about, especially outside of February. And we are about to flip the script on all of that. Because on this show, you're going to hear a little less. In August 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue.

And a little bit more. She is a heroine to some as a fighter for black rights. She is a villain to others. Follow Black History for Real on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen everywhere on February 5th, or you can listen early and ad free on Wondery Plus starting January 29th. Join Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple podcasts. Black is beautiful. The only interesting moment, I think it was even just an interstitial, where she was like, if a girl comes to me with a strap on, then might as well just be with a guy.

Wait, Rosie, that's Rosie who said that. That's Rosie. I love Rosie. I love Rosie, too. We talked a lot about pre-C a few weeks ago. It was very educational, but now we're talking about pre-E, pre-excitement. By the way, Matt. Oh, that's cute. I've got bad news for you, Matt. I know you think that Kathy's son

Joey is hot, but he's getting fat. He's going to be Vito in a year. I was watching it in the middle of the night and I almost wanted to text you like, Ben, is it just me or is her son getting a little chunk? He's been trying too many of Kathy's cannoli kits.

Too many of her cannolis made of cannolis. And to be fair, if I lived in that house, I would be 9,000 pounds. I'd be that person where you'd have to break down the wall and get a forklift to pull me out to take me on Maury Povich. Oh, I would love to eat Kathy's food. Ben, would you rather be able to be all hot with your guns in a tank top or would you rather have kathy be your mom making cannolis for you all day i think it's a toss-up i don't know i gotta go tank top i gotta go tank top with a tank top and guns you get sex with a lot of cannolis you get nothing you get sadness might as well be living at caroline man you get

self-loathing i know you know you do? You get a future where you're making mozzarella in the kitchen sink with Lauren Manzo. Oh, kill me now. Kill me now. By the way, I will say the only part of New Jersey. Let's talk to Kathy for one more second. How disgusting is Richie going to their daughter's college and acting like a dirty pervert with his tinted glasses and his jacked up jeff goldblum face i'm sorry he is gross kathy should divorce him discuss this is this is the number one reason why people should aspire for something greater than a commuter college because otherwise your

pervy dad will show up and embarrass you in front of all your friends you need at least four hours of a buffer yeah just get out of the way. Like, this is unacceptable. Aspire for greater things. Actually, didn't she try? Okay, I don't want to be mean or anything, but wasn't she looking at like. Too late. I know. Wasn't last season, last season Victoria was looking at like University of Maryland, right?

Yes, she was. And now where is she ending up? She's at like some some cat regional community catholic school in new jersey oh man i well i have concerns about that combination of things because these ladies have those apron stings really tight around those kids kids necks yeah the way i did i did think it was funny though when they walked past and it was like all these nuns and crosses and ritchie was like Jesus Christ. Yeah, the school, it's going to cause the

school, they're going to lose all their alumni funding after they see Richie there. All the... Oh, who, excuse me, who are their alumni? Like Shana from Vanderpump Rules? Listen, they, I'm just sad because they're going to lose all their funding just before they're about to get accredited. Sad face. Alright, let's do Princess of Long Island. And by the way way i'm so sad that it's not

long island princesses because we could call them lips i know that would have been great so princesses of long island like where do we even start ben seriously we start on northern boulevard which is the main thoroughfare first episode already yeah we did that last week so so good so we have already deemed this show our new favorite people get on board i i i Did you guys do the first episode already? Yeah, we did that last week. So good. We have already deemed this show our new favorite of all time. People get on board. I sense some haterade for this show from people, not people, some of our listeners and people I've met around. People don't like these girls. Ben, what makes the show even better?

I know. I think what's so fascinating to me about this show is that they are ultimately good girls. Like, they're just like these girls that are trying to be bad. Like, they get a coach to go to the Hamptons, a party bus, and they're sitting there, like, drinking their wine politely. Their parents are waving goodbye to them, like, have fun. Have a great time. Right. And them going wild is maybe having, like, a half a glass of Manischewitz.

Oh, well, they're having a fight over Shabbat dinner. That's like— They're all gone wild. I mean, why isn't Joe Francis producing this shit? All right, why don't we—so let's back up. I start off by saying that if it weren't for Bravo, I would not know how to form stereotypes about groups of people about whom I previously knew little or next to nothing. Yes.

I'm glad my people now can be made to look like awful, awful stereotypes. You should know that this is what I now believe that Shabbat dinner is like every week. It is. I think it is. I'm Jewish and even I'm thinking this way.

Somebody's stealing their boyfriend in high school. Somebody's wearing some sort of headdress from Claire's. Oh, I know. I kept thinking to myself the whole time, how angry could you possibly look with a headband? I'm sorry. That is the quote of the week. So to our dear listeners that post that on Facebook, that is one of the quotes of the week. Emily Burbano, get to it. So let's start at the beginning of the episode. So it starts where we meet Casey, who we didn't meet the first week.

And so – Casey, who I predict will be on the Gallery Girls spinoff. Yeah, we can only hope. So Casey and Ashley and Chanel. Ashley, Chanel. yeah uh we can only hope so so casey and ashley and um chanel actually chanel chanel who's clearly clearly being made into the carrie bradshaw yeah wait and even before so they're gonna go out to the city to a club but even before that so chanel has to go to ashley's house to pick her up which means that she then goes to the living room and talks to Ashley's parents. Wait. We have to talk about Ashley's mother. Oh, Eileen. With the tiniest nose in the world.

Listen, God bless her. What is up with that look? Okay. First of all, God bless her for not getting plastic surgery. Good for her. That's what I say. Good for her. Second of all, the hair.

The hair. The hair. Here's the thing. It was a little rough. It was a little Cousin It-ish. I feel like Ashley, it's really funny how it even came up in the club about, oh, you look so young. I don't think she looks about 100 years old to me. I know.

Exactly. Because then when they did her confessionals, I was like, for 29 or 30, her crow's feet are so fucking deep. She just looks old to me. And she acts old. she like she she's so like high maintenance like a little like my great aunt like she's my great aunt isn't even that high maintenance she seems like a little old lady and i didn't know that is like smurf like an ethnic thing and jewish is religion i'm like confused she sort of looks like she looks sort of like a she she has elements has elements of Linda hunt about her,

you know, and that is not a compliment for those of you. That's not something that's not a good look for a 20, 29 year old. But what I love is that like, first of all, the living room at her parents' place, there's not a lot of good taste going on in her parents.

I'm going to be honest with you. Like Ben, I grew up in a super Jewish neighborhood. I went to so many barn bat mitzvahs. But I will tell you this, and I don't know what it is about your people. The houses all have decor from 1986 to this day. I know. I do not understand, like, cube tables.

I do not understand, like, light gray leather. Circular windows. Yes. Circular windows and lots of gold trim. Like, I do not get it for the life of me. But Ashley's living room was very silvery. windows yes circular windows and lots of gold trim like i do not get it for the life but but ashley's living room was very silvery in fact it looked like there were design cues taken out of sleeper by woody allen it was just it was very it was like very 1986 futuristic and i love that

like her dad who's going through some awful midlife crisis where he's become a homosexual and he's only dying his mustache but you know what though in a weird way i like him because he just sits there and just smiles because you know you could see he like loves his daughter like he loves her he has created a monster yeah and he just smiles she's like oh my god dad oh my god dad can you get me a brush it's in the okay in the third drawer down get me the brush oh God. And how she talks about how she wants to marry a man exactly like her dad,

but how is she going to find that because he's perfect? I'm just like, this is awesome. You are never leaving. We need to have a crossover between princesses and shahs and she can get with Mike

and then everything will be set. They could have tiny little round children who can then billboards on the side of buses she kind of does she has like a humpty dumpty shape she's just odd she's just an odd looking little she looks like a like a snooki she looks she is she looks like a video game character like the type like if you're on like a journey all of a sudden everything sort of pauses and she comes out and then she has a dialogue box that's like oh mario so glad you're here there's been a problem in the mushroom forest please help us and then you know it's like honestly i really am the last person to be talking about a woman's appearance too badly because you know i have a feminine i have a

couple of feminist bones in my body but when you just have such a horrible personality, it's really hard to be, you know, a member of the sisterhood. Well, so I love that they go to this club in the city and they meet Casey. And I love that Ashley is like, oh, my God. Oh, my God. I love you. I love you so much. Oh, my God. And people think I'm exaggerating her accent. I am you. I love you so much. Oh my god. And people think I'm exaggerating

her accent. I am not. You're not even doing it half the justice that it deserves. By the way, when they showed up at the club and they figured out that it was gay night, I was like really thinking that we were going to see an appearance by Amanda's boyfriend

Jeff. Oh my god, Jeff. Oh my god. Hey, Babs. Oh, my God, Jeff. Oh, my God. You're looking great. Hey, Babs. Dine store Daniel Day-Lewis. Hey, Babs. I really don't believe that he's straight. No, I...

He is gayer than Ashley's dad. Oh, my God. When he's pretending to be attracted to her mother, that's, like, the most embarrassing thing in the world. Oh, you mean Babs, who works at Warehouse, the hottest boutique in all of Great Neck? Okay, can I ask you a question? I don't understand this about, like, the Long Island situation, but, like, if you have money and you can afford to buy nice clothes, why would you go to one of these trashy-ass boutiques when you could be—

Like, they always say shit like this on all of these shows. They're like, oh, we just got a new shipment of Cavalli. They're probably getting it for free. No way. Cavalli is not giving these dumb hookers free no kavali's boutique the shitty little strip mall boutique well also babs babs works in this one babs works but they're they're all the all of these shows like even posh is a shitty strip mall boutique they make them seem so glamorous it's like you could go to your fucking local nordstrom's and it would be way nicer. Do you think Nordstrom's going to let that shit be on the air?

The truth is this. What you're asking gets tapped into a deeper thing, which is these women have access to the same magazines and TV shows that we all do. They can see good style, and yet they choose not to adopt it. So to ask why they go to the boutiques versus like a nice store, it's because they're messed up. They have malfunctioning brains. Every time I ask a question where I'm looking

for some sense of logic, just tell me to shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up, Matt. By the way, you should just tell me I'm stupid the way Vicky tells Gretchen she's stupid. You're stupid. You're stupid. By the way, I actually kind of like Babs' daughter. What's name babs's daughter wait long island jewish lady gaga yes i kind of like her i think her name is amanda amanda even though she's dating a gay guy i like her i think she's funny i think she's cool my favorite how hilarious when those two

are telling their story of meeting each other like it's fucking something because it's all about him going shopping for like a nice outfit so he can catch her eye. The Long Island Railroad. The outfit at a shitty boutique strip mall. Yeah, exactly. And then, oh, we started talking about our iPhones.

It's like you people are not he's not straight. I was just going to say, any straight man that knows that a white iPhone even exists Is gay Let me tell you something That story about me and the Long Island Railroad And bonding over a white iPhone Not a dry eye in all of Long Island

I guarantee That's like the Long Island love story right there Oh my god did you hear about Jeff and Amanda He got an outfit and met her on Long Island, the LIRR. Yeah. It's like a Sandra Bullock movie. Did you hear? He got his new outfit on Northern Boulevard

right next to Leonard's. Yeah. Right behind the Seven Seas Diner. Oh my gosh. I've spent formative years of my life in Great Neck, by the way. I'm obsessed with this show. I'm obsessed with the fact that everyone keeps talking about what a hot slut that Erica was in high school. Erica was the hottest. Oh, my God.

Okay, so since she was a hot slut in high school, who knocked all of her goddamn teeth out? Too many hot times. Jealous bitches. Jealous bitches. Too many hot times at andele on spring break i'm telling you she has meth mouth people she has meth mouth because something is jacking that shit up we have a i posted another reason to join the facebook page i posted a before and after of erica's face i saw that and i only understood it after i watched the episode and i i was so

happy that you posted that listen i i feel bad because if she was like the hottest thing of the entire North Shore and now she's become what she has now, that's hard. That's a difficult thing to – that's a rough path. I have to tell you. I have to be honest. I saw the pictures of her. Like that – she was really stunning. But she just ran that train into the ground.

But you know what she did? She committed a cardinal sin that, like, Jewish girls from Long Island love to do. Can I guess what the cardinal sin is? Yes. A gallon of Carlo Rossi every night. I don't know what that is, but is that the stuff that makes your hair that the stuff isn't that jugs of wine isn't that like a jug of wine with a little handle oh yes yes you're right i'm sorry clearly i i don't even browse the jugs of wine well i mean don't you aren't you gonna say that the alcohol and the

cigarettes are causing her to look twice her age because my god she looks like too much matzah no what i was gonna say was really um she does the thing that a lot of jewish girls love to do which is they put some shit in their hair that makes it look like they're just out of the shower. And it has this like, cause these like dark, shiny curls, which is like a very, and listen, I'm Jewish. I can say this. I'm taking Jewish immunity on this by saying this. That's why I'm saying Jewish girls love this look. And it is the worst look.

It is the worst. It's like, it's like, imagine staring at someone who's just been out of the look and it is the worst look. It is the worst. It's like imagine staring at someone who's just been out of the shower and they just never dry up. It's awful. It's called gel. It's hair gel. That's what you do. Latin girls do it too. It's called LA looks. Don't hate. Lisa's got

the Latin side covered. I got the Jews. You know how I know? Because when I had to be an extra and I had to play a chola the what i did was i came out with my wet hair can you start every sentence that way i've been arrested twice on the shield i use that story all the time i'm surprised i haven't like bored you with it but i came out of the shower you put the gel in your hair and it's called crispy curly it's the crispy curly versus the soft curly and i just that's what i did you either put the mousse in it when it's still wet

or gel it is kind of greasy but the mood like that's what that is well that's i don't know that that's her biggest sin but you know what i think is really funny is every single person has said about her in high school hair erica was so hot and by the way none of them are clarifying none of them are saying anything about present day exactly awkwardly after that and you're like uh clarifying her status as of today so no they're kind of like draw your own conclusions so so then we have so then we have casey who – Casey is really cute, although she sort of looks like the blonde version of Beaker from The Muppets, okay? Excuse me. I hate her.

So she's there. Casey had the love of her life stolen by Erica back in the day. That she came together with so meaningfully at the age of 15. Yeah. She had already bought the prom dress from Warehouse in Great Neck, the hottest boutique in all of the North Shore. Okay. I've never had another girl steal my boyfriend two weeks before prom. Maybe one of you has.

But can somebody just tell me, like, this girl is 30 years old. Get over it. She was 15 then. If you're not over it by now, you should go outside and kill yourself. So I love that she complains about it still to her mom, who I think may or may not be Emmylou Harris. I have not decided.

She does have some fabulous really thick, luptuous air. And I loved her. The eyewear was phenomenal. I loved her mom. I loved that. They both actually seem to have common sense. But you know what? Here's what's happening. Erica's blah blah blah. Casey's blah, blah, blah.

Is that her name? No, Casey's blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But all I hear is, you stole my boyfriend and that's why my daddy left my mommy. I mean, excuse me, but how? She took that right out of the Tammy Sue Tamra playbook. This sounds like a job for psychotherapy by Gretchen. I know. Maybe what you need is a bag of Gretchen Christine Butte tape.

This is where we need Ronnie because Ronnie does a great Gretchen impersonation. She does. I can't do any impersonations to save my life. So anyway, so is it bad that I keep on wanting to call Chanel Shalom? No. I think that we're going to call her Shalom. Let's just call her Shalom. I think she was referred to as a quote unquote

super Jew earlier so I think it's fair enough to oh wait what was it I couldn't get this out of my brain I think it's the promo for next week's which was Shabbat Shalom go fuck yourself I'm like oh my god these women are so crazy

that's said at every Shabbat dinner by the way that's how you mark the end of the dinner so I'm not Jewish but I'm like, oh my god, these women are so crazy. That's said at every Shabbat dinner, by the way. That's how you mark the end of the dinner. No, I'm not Jewish, but I'm pretty confident that none of this is very orthodox behavior. Is that right? It's not. So poor Shalom, she's organized – she's rented a house in the Hamptons. In other news, all the house values in the Hamptons have dropped about $400,000. She's rented a house in the Hamptons and she wants to do

a Shabbat dinner and I have to say I think it's nice I think you know Shalom she's nice we like her I think so far right? She's nice but you know what she's the Countess Luanne of the group because she knows full well what she's doing and she's also a disaster she is the one who went to the club and was like where are the single boys

where are the single boys we Where are the single boys? We need a nice single boy. Right, because guess what brings all the boys to the yard? Screaming, where are all the single boys wearing a horrible outfit in a gay club? They're like, my score friend here needs to get laid. Oh my god, I love this show. She is a disaster of epic proportions, but she is the glue that is going to keep this shit together. She's sort of like blissfully unaware.

No, she's not blissfully unaware. This bitch is ready to play ball. No, no, I mean like she's blissfully unaware of how much she's a disaster in terms of her outfit that look like they're sort of like made of tinfoil, you know? Yeah. You know what? I was just thinking about where they would have some real success for that little short one would be the Shire. Thinking about where they would have some real success for that little short one would be the Shire. She could fucking nab herself a Hobbit husband.

You know, the ring, the ring. Get the ring. She's like, I want that ring. I want a husband who can get me a ring. I'm sorry. A nice little short Hobbit man with big feet and a cute little clean house. She'd be very happy. One set of heels to rule them all Oh god

But yeah so they're at the Gate club she's desperately trying to get Her friend hooked up and it's just not happening I almost made a really good Lord of the Rings reference but now I'm thinking it might just be the saddest thing I would Ever say which is instead of The eye of Sauron it's the eye of Sauron, it's the eye of Syosset.

I don't know any of the things you just said because you're Jewish and a nerd. So please decode that. I only know half of what you said. Because I'm only nerd. Syosset's a town on long island soren's a bad guy in the lord lord of the rings which is not related to lord and taylor which is also very big in long island the lord of the taylor you know i think to me the most compelling thing about this show is usually what we see on these

shows is sort of like a layered below several layers we see that people are acting out their high school issues. Here it's just overt. Yeah. It's overtly like high school. We are still – Like bringing that up. We're still working it out. So basically – so Shalom organizes this trip.

She gets a party bus. She tells Casey ahead of time just so you know Erica is going to be there and Casey is like, OK, I can deal with it. So she gets – so Shalom gets a party bus. She picks up Ashley. And there's like five parents out there waving the kids off to summer camp. Farewell, Ashley. Have a good time. And they're like, the girls are starting to cry.

You're killing me, Ashley. You're killing me, Ashley. The girls are starting to cry. They're like, oh, my God. I don't know if I could do this. It's like my first Shabazz without the family. There's a stripper pole in the bus, and they're crying to say goodbye to their parents. They are on their, like, getting their version of trash, which is that, like, basically Erica has a full glass of Chardonnay.

And they're like, oh, my God, Erica, what's wrong with you? Someone brought 50 shades of gray and then there was if i remember correctly there was a there was a sad attempt to twirl around on that stripper's pole correct and then it just erica i'm sure she got like some pole burn on her arms and then she mentioned uh one of them mentioned masturbation. And then Ashley – Erica did. Erica's like, yeah, I masturbate every day of my life. And then all the girls are like, oh, my god.

I can't believe you said that. I can't believe you've had an orgasm. No, then they cut to Ashley who just goes – they just cut to Ashley who just goes, ew. She's like, so when you masturbate, do you think about your dad or no? She's like, my parents won't let you masturbate do you think about your dad or no she's like my parents won't let me masturbate i can only masturbate and she and i can only masturbate in heels oh oh you know who we haven't discussed who i actually really love in terms of like joey what she brings to the day thank you joey you know who joey is joey's the dad from everybody Hates Chris because she's like, oh, that's a $35 glass of wine.

Oh, that's a $5 cup of noodles. Oh, all this money, all this money. Turn off the air conditioner. Turn off the lights. Well, she is from the South Shore, so she knows the value of a dollar. She's everyone's favorite. She's America's sweetheart.

She's the new Sandra Bullock. She should star in The Heat with Melissa McCarthy. She's the only one in the history of reality tv that confronts the girl who slept with her ex and it's like oh yeah it's cool it's hilarious oh yes hilarious such forthright passive-aggressive laughter no you took his v-card right like that shit is not going to be brought back up in a few weeks never never not over a glass of Manischewitz whatsoever. So they get to the house. They're there.

Everything's— I just have to interject. I like how they act like Joey basically lives in Section 8 housing. She does. Like, Jesus Christ. Her Section 8 housing is probably more updated than their fucking 1980s shithole houses. They act like there's crack babies shooting at each other on her front lawn. Well, there may be.

To clarify, there are couches on their front stoops. That's true. Well, you know, there are two types of people in Long Island. Those who live north of the Long Island Expressway and those who live south of the LIE. And Joey clearly is from the south. I'm listening so much. I don't even know if that's true, but I just assume it's true.

So anyway, casey gets there and is immediately a bitch to erica like total total erica is asking her like can i get you a glass of wine and the bitch does not even look at her i'm sorry but you are 30 years old yeah i know that erica's scary to look at but you do have to make eye contact once in a while and smile to look at but she seems like a good time and like come on whose boyfriend didn't she fuck and like seriously exactly actually erica is probably the rabbi yes i think you're right she is the vicky gungleson of this cast and she wakes up with a different man in bed and she likes to drink and she likes to party and that makes me like her and here's what here's what casey's problem is all she has to do is look at erica and realize oh wow i won this i i won i won in life this high

school shit runs so deep with these girls it's so crazy oh by the way one quote that i got from casey that made me laugh out loud was i think she said something like i just want to immerse myself in my art because I think that she was talking about how it helped her through some shit, and I was like, oh yes, my boyfriend was stolen from me when I was 15, so I started drawing pictures of naked men. Yeah, I'm sorry. All it was was

neon pink nutsacks. Oh, new band name. Sorry, I think it just bumped me out of whatever we had before. Load-bearing bumpets, I believe, was the previous bad name. Opening for neon pink nut sacks. But I love, she's the city girl. Yeah.

On to the big apple. She's sophisticated. She knows how to wear a headband. It's so hard to pin her down because she's always in New York. She's always 30 minutes away. She's so sophisticated. Do they really call her sophisticated? They don't, but they imply.

They're like, oh, Casey's always in the city. She's always doing something fun. It's so hard to get a hold of her with her headbands. With her headbands and her cocktail waitressing at One Oak. Oh, I also wrote a quote down that I thought was great with Chanel. I changed it to make it more appropriate where she says, traditionally, you're not supposed to labor on Shabbat. So I hired a chef. And then I just added, to make sure God doesn't get angry.

Because I'm assuming that's the big loophole that you can use. Let him take God's wrath, but not me. I'm just going to pay someone to fucking do it for me. I'm sure that's fine. He wasn't a Jew. He was a ginger. Oh, then he's fine. So anyways, they're sitting at the table, and Erica is prattling on about meditation.

She's saying the stupidest thing. She's like, you know what I find I like to do? I like to meditate. I like to meditate. It clears my mind. Meanwhile, she's eating like a truck driver while she's saying the stupidest thing. She's like, you know what I find I like to do? I like to meditate. I like to meditate. It clears my mind. Meanwhile, she's eating like a truck driver while she's saying this. She has three loaves of challah

already in her stomach at that point. And at that point, Casey just says, she just turns and is like, can you just please shut up for one minute? Just for like five minutes. Now, admittedly, she wasn't wrong. But she was rude. But she's just for like five minutes now admittedly she wasn't wrong but she was rude she's just so like she's having images of like hope floats where the the dad won't come back and she wants him to come back and like oh erica somehow caused all this shit she was

i don't know what kind of households you guys grew up in but like in my household like you could call somebody a fucking whore and that would just like that's fine but if you tell somebody to shut up nothing is worse than saying shut up to somebody yeah you don't do you don't do any in my household you don't do any of the things that you see in reality tv i'll tell you that much my parents would not stand for it we have an anything goes type situation over here i'm totally kidding it's like the musical. Everyone dresses like sailors. Oh, my God.

The only thing missing from the dinner was some baby octopus being planted in people's mouths. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. I heard. To hatch babies. To hatch babies all in my mouth. I read it in the news. They were eating it. And then Jeff's like, well, I guess I won't be ordering the octopus.

He's like, what happens if I put a penis in my mouth? Oh, shit. All those baby penises. All this time, I did. Hey, guys, I just realized all this time I was putting octopus in my mouth, and I was giving birth to all these little, like, a big stream of little baby octopuses, but I realized it was a penis. Oh my god, isn't that funny?

I never knew an octopus looked just like a penis. Actually, there was eight tentacles. It was actually eight penises in my mouth. I thought I was getting gangbanged, but it was just an octopus. Wait, do octopi have eight tentacles or is that spiders with eight legs?

They both do. They both do? Are they from the same family of penis appendages? I think they... This is the time... I just want something to date, guys. This is your science minute. And you're fucking Mr. Wizard.

This is the neutron dance. It's happening right now. Mr. Jizzard, what? And by the way, now the neutron dance has to be the intro and outro music to the episode it will be it will be agreed agreed so so anyway um so erica storms off like no one tells me to shut up no one i am the hottest girl from the north shore no one tells me to shut up and then she walks up she calls her boyfriend she smokes a pack of cigarettes and drinks a jug of wine so my favorite thing my favorite thing that's speaking of an octopus she did those all with her hands like she did all those things at the same time

yeah she's a talented lady she's a talented lady especially with her hands in her mouth two things that i love about two things i love that erica okay when she when she cry talks she does that sort of hiccup thing in the middle she's like so she's talking to me she was like she was like saying to me to shut up but no one tells me to shut up but on top of that one thing i love that erica is that she talks like a like a bird and that her head is constantly like lurching forward like her head and her shoulders she does have a very bizarre way of speaking i've noticed like she's got like a lot of tics yeah she's like it's it's an aggressive it's it's aggressive i can understand casey's kind of like a peck it looks like she's going

for some feed on the ground exactly don't get me wrong I think that she's amazing I want her to like the show needs to revolve around her crazy ass yeah I think it will but meanwhile Casey is in the dining room with her fingers on her temples acting like she was just confronted with like someone who

molested her at five she's basically having a rape shower yeah I can't be in the same room confronted with like someone who molested her at five she's basically having a rape shower yeah did you just say that her she's sorry it's a moment like those she's like she's like trying to get the headband to go over her eyes so she doesn't have to see you guys she's not having a rape shower she's still waiting to lose her virginity after that guy left her for erica she's having a man of shadow that's really why she's so bitter to lose her virginity after that guy left her for erica yeah she's having a man of shadow that's really why she's so bitter to this day she still hasn't gotten fucked no she it's not too late she can experiment with a stale loaf of challah okay on that note we

need to wrap this shit up this i think i think this is our longest one i think this is our longest 50 shades of hey hey this this was crazy, Matt. Thank you for taking this much time out of your, uh, out of your vacation in Palm Springs to talk Bravo with us. It was such a pleasure. Lisa, thank you so much for joining us this week. Oh, thank you for having me. Matt, you rallied like, I appreciate it. Like a, like a, like a bull, like a bull in a forsaken

bullfighting arena. Named Navarro. Navarro. Navarro the bull who has just been put down. Not because he's emaciated, but because he lost the will to live after that experience.

The bull hanged himself. Just like Taylor Armstrong's husband Oh Too soon, too soon That bull got into a lot of financial troubles Not soon enough That bull was playing craps outside of Andalas And rang up some real gambling debts Okay, well everybody

Thank you for tuning in this week It's been an amazing episode If you're still sticking around, we can't thank you enough. Please also join us on our Facebook page. We're at facebook.com forward slash watch what crappens. You can find us on Twitter at what crappens. You can find me, Matt, at

life on the M list on Twitter and on Instagram. You can find Lisa at Timmons Lisa on Instagram and Twitter. And of course, you can find Ben at B-side blog on all of the above, including Vine, and I promise to get my ass on Vine to finish that goddamn video this week. Yes, and on top of that, for people who

really enjoyed this podcast, you can get more of it basically later this week when Lisa and I will be doing banter with Ben and Lisa, but with Ronnie instead, and we'll have Matt next week. So, great times, guys. This was so much fun. Thank you all for tuning in and definitely join us on Facebook. It's a ton of fun. And if you have a second, we haven't had a lot of new, uh, comments

on our iTunes page. So please download us on iTunes. Please leave a comment there. We need five stars and, um, you know, without your love and support, we consider cutting ourselves just like Demi Lovato. Just like that. Just like that. All right. Bye, everyone. Bye, guys. Bye. Bye. Hello.

I'm Chanel, a.k.a. Coco, from Great Neck, Long Island, and also as seen as Princesses, Long Island. Summer is here. Summer's finally here. School's out. Warm weather. It just puts you in a good mood to go sit out at your parents' pool. And if you're lucky, you can sit with your best friend Erica,

who is like the most popular girl in all of Great Neck. I'm talking about the most popular girl in all the North Shore. You go to the Seven Seas Diner off Northern Boulevard, and everyone's like, oh my god, there's Erica. Anyway, it's like when you get an unexpected gift, like Erica showing up at your house. You feel great, and nothing is better than a surprise. So make someone you love feel great by surprising them with either Manischewitz, or even better, berries from Shari's Berries. You guys, these berries, these berries are totally kosher, and if they're not, just lie to your friend.

And if she goes to hell because you lied to her, that's not your problem, because your dad was the one who told you to lie in the first place. So just lie to her, give her the berries. Even if she ends up in hell, she's going to end up in hell with delicious berry juice covered in dripping chocolate going down her throat. So send giant drip strawberries from Sherry's Berries for only $19.99. That's a 40% savings. I don't need discounts because I'm rich and I'm in love with my father who's very hairy and has a very good job. So I'm never leaving him. So I could pay the full price. But for you people with couches on your porch, you might want to call because there's a 40% savings. So go to berries.com, click on the microphone and type in watch. Go to berries.com, click on the microphone and type in watch. And

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oh my god it's the perfect anniversary gift or birthday well no one sent me them because um my father forgot but i'm still in love with him anyway and i went to sherry's berries and it was dark because there was a blackout and i didn't care. And I stood there and I screamed until someone gave me my berries. And I said, listen, I'm typing watch. I'm clicking the microphone and I'm typing in watch. Here's the only way to get this special offer from Sherry's Berries. Visit berries.com. That's B-E-R-R-I-E-S.com. Click on the microphone in the top right corner and type in watch. That's W A T C H. You've got to see these enormous berries for yourself. So go to berries.com.

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