Watch What Crappens - Below Deck: There's Something About Kevin

Episode Date: October 15, 2019

This episode is available in video form on Patreon as part of Crappens On Demand There's an engagement on this week's Below Deck, and Kevin gets to mansplain a bunch of stuff. Also the crazy lady who has foodgasms returns to creep everyone out. For this week's upcoming premium bonus Airport Snaps, where we mock passers by at the Atlanta airport food court, become a member over at Patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens. ***New Limited Edition Shirts! "Shannon Bowldor" merch available at crappensmerch.com! **Crappens Live is coming to Atlanta (early and late show), Chapel Hill, Richmond, Tampa, Ft Lauderdale, Indianapolis, Chicago (early and late show), NYC, St Louis, Philadelphia, Denver, Seattle, Los Angeles (The Crappies), Detroit, Columbus, Austin (late show added!) and Houston! Find ticket links at watchwhatcrappens.com See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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We love you guys! Hello and welcome to Watch Well Crappin' So podcasts about all that crap we just love to talk about on Geo Brawves as usual. I'm Ronnie Carrum, hi! You can find me here and I guess when the bachelor comes back over on Rosepraix Bachelor Rost but for now we're sleeping like babies. And here I am with Ben Mandelker of the Real Housewares of Kitson Island which is a cartoon you can find on YouTube. Well, man, how are you doing? Oh, I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. You know why?

Why? New Orleans. We're going to New Orleans. It's official. Finally, oh, five. We are going to New Orleans. People have been like, when are you going to New Orleans? We are going, and I'm so excited. It's such an amazing city with the most amazing food. And I'm so excited to go to New Orleans with you, Rhondle. I'm so excited.

Yeah, we are going to have some great times there. When are we going? So our New Orleans show is going to be on February 7th, which is coming up. So that's February 7th. The presale is happening right now, and then the tickets go on sale to the public on Friday. So that's Friday, February 7th, but whoa, wait, there's more. We got two other shows. We're going back to Kansas City on February 21st, and we are going to Omaha, Nebraska for the first time on February 22nd. So that's already a very exciting February. Again, the usual stuff.

Pre-sales on Patreon right now, go to watchcraftens.com for the pre-sales links and then tickets on sale at the public on Friday. It's gonna be amazing. We are gonna have a great, great time. It all through those cities. Yes. It's gonna be the best. And then next, this week, we're going to Richmond, Virginia and Tampa, Florida. We're going to Chapel Hill, North Carolina

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for two shows when I sold out, and then the very next morning we're going to Houston. That's in January. So just go to watch itcrapins.com to find our ticket links, our merch links, the Shannon Bull Door shirts are doing great, so go get some of those or twerk. Or when life gives you tacos, make tacos salad, or dork, twerk, twork, dork, dork!

Go get them all over there. You can now get water bottles, coffee mugs. You don't only have to get shirts now. So check them out, everybody. Well! Yeah, it's awesome. It really is. So, oh, everything's very exciting. And more exciting. What's walking about below deck today, okay? Previously on below deck. Jesus, Mr. Dolpson. Jesus. We open with poop sounds. Peep sounds.

Peep sounds of below deck. Here we go. Oh, and by the way, just so you know, this is a video today. This is a crapens video on demand feature on Patreon. So if you want this or our new bonus episode, making fun of people from the Atlanta Airport, those are all features of our Patreon and thanks to everyone who supports us there.

Okay, now, Blondec. So this week opens up with Kevin, the chef still shitting. Shitting his brains out on the toilet and you just hear like, I'm going, Jesus, Mr. Dolbson. And you just see Kate go ill. She's like Mr. Dolbson and you just see Kate go ill. She's like ill. So it's 240 pm and it's 94 degrees and there's a picnic on a beach and Tanner is talking to Courtney who he's working with over there and he's like, I would love to just set up

a hammock over here, huh? And she's like, I have a tactic out here. He's like, what part don't you like? You don't like to eat and she's like the work. Yeah, I love that she just hates everything. She's hilarious to me. I feel like I should really hate her, but the more she complains, the more I just laugh. You know, because the guests are like, this is so nice.

This is so pretty. Oh my God, it's so beautiful here. And then you just year ago. Yeah. And he's like, this works places to work. I mean, look, look where we are. We're barefoot. She's like, exactly, and sweaty.

Yeah. I enjoy eating truffle pasta, drinking rizae. I mean, I need money, but I don't like to work in general. I'm like, lady, I understand you don't like to work. Most of us don't like to work. But why would you choose such a rigorous job? I mean, like, drive Uber, drive Uber. I just wrote there's nothing worth than a high-falutin made.

So you definitely got like switched into that body in a 80s comedy. Like, that's what happened. She's like, this is not her life. Yeah, it's like, Sally Long from Cheers, you know. She was gonna marry Rich Guy, but it didn't work out. Now, here she is running a goddamn bar. Yeah, exactly. So Kevin comes out of the bathroom finally four hours later and Kate is just standing there like ready to just like relish in his pain and she's like, oh Kevin,

regarding your stump issues, do you want things to go faster or slower and hear two options for your terrible stomach? And he goes, very slow, she goes, oh awkward. Well, you know, if you don't want it to go very slow, she goes, oh, awkward. Well, you know, if you don't want it to go very sur, we could also have this option, we could do it family style. That's when your shits are extremely lazy and don't know how to properly compose themselves.

So everyone else has to do more work around your shitting. How's that? Juan Kevin, would you like us to put a shit menu up on the cupboard so we can see what exactly you're shitting out this afternoon, would that make your service better for you? Would you like that? put a shit menu up on the cover so we can see what exactly you're shitting out this afternoon without making your service better for you that would you like that I can do that. And it makes me feel sick. He's a shift on the dairist. It's a shit show. And then they do a close-up of chocolate pudding as a grand finale of the shit montage.

You know, I would be very scared if I were Kevin because Kate spends this entire episode Speaking in her upper register, which means that she is sort of like building up Heat ammunition and she's gonna like destroy him over the next several episodes because everything she's like Would you care do you want me to get this for you Kevin? Okay, I can do that for you Kevin. Okay, Kevin So the guests are getting on the tender to come home and Tanner is pushing it. And Courtney is like, I have to get out and help you out. Yeah.

And so Kevin, Kate and me and my mom was like, they have the double dinner tonight because the proposal is happening on the upper deck and then regular dinner downstairs. And so she has to do all this stuff. And she's like, if I weren't so busy, I'd be freaking out. But I'm busy. I'm busy. So I asked Michael if we should do a run through. I mean, maybe he wants to practice it. Do you think I should? So she goes to Michael, but on her way out, Kevin's like, keep Kai. We're still on for eight for dinner, right? She's like, yep, eight o'clock is when you can

ineligently heat piles of food on platters like you're serving cattle. That's right, okay, I'm gonna go talk to Michael. Yes, so probably around 740, you'll probably wanna go into the bathroom and shit your brains out some more. Great, and just remember to wash your hands this time, that'd be wonderful.

Like most professional chefs do. And he's like, there's almost so many challenges. And then it cuts to courtly embed just looking at her mirror and in her camera with her bangs going, oh, this is exhausting. My Instagram won't load. So, and I and an astronaut are talking out there. And astronauts are like, all right, now what we're gonna do is we're gonna come out and play and bring everything in, all right. And then they're gonna party.

And Tanner starts dancing. And it's officially his thing. Making, not anagrams, what are they called? Acronyms. He's gonna be making acronyms a lot and dancing on the camera a lot. Okay. I'm saying Jimmy cricket and thanks Jimmy Cricket, yes. Yeah, so Kate So Kate checks it on Michael the primary to she's like so your plan for tonight Have you practiced at all? Do you know what you're doing? Do you know you're staging your blocking?

Have you know how to cheat towards the camera for this moment? Do you want to practice proposing on me? He's like, I got it. She's like, Oh, okay. Oh, so you got it. So if perhaps A2 comes and interrupts you during the meal, you'll know what to do. Great. Okay. I'm sure that won't happen at all. He chartered a mega yacht for this girl. Okay. Just to propose. I mean, he should be able to throw the ring at her face and have her say yes. I just like that. You can imagine Kate sitting in her bed eating the Cheetos and just imagining him throwing her ring at the girl's face and going, yes, honey.

Well, when you get to our age, that's pretty much how you do it. Like you're marrying me, all right? He just has to say, you're on a yacht, yes or no? Yes. Do you know any other people on Tinder that are going to take you on a yacht? Okay. I thought so now. Let's go. So Abby is in the closet because at oh, she's in the closet. Sorry guys. Be below deck. So she's like, you know, it's so weird. Like on the cell bow, I put on shorts and on a yacht, you have to like put on like white things at one time and then you have to change to like white things and then like sometimes I wear my glasses and then sometimes I don't. And then when the sun goes down, I'm like, what the

fuck can I just chill? No, you can't do that, Abby. So then meanwhile upstairs, Kevin is using the Suvi machine, which got me very nervous because years of watching Top Chef has taught me that when people sous vide things on Bravo, food will be terrible. I will always remember Carla, Carla in the finals of Top Chef, and Casey telling her to sous vide the steak and Carla losing. Okay, I will always remember that. So, sous vide is disgusting. I hate sous vide. I hate that technique of cooking. It's always gross. The meat comes out like gross jelly. Yeah. I don't know. I actually don't. I hate that technique of cooking. It's always gross. The meat comes out like gross jelly.

Yeah, I don't know if I actually don't actually don't think I've ever had sous vide meat before so I can't judge it like that And you know, I love judging food so I can't just yet, but I will say Yeah, I will say I just always feel like it's bad news on bravo to sous vide things and this in this situation was even worse because this sous vide machine kept on beeping and Mr. Dolpsin didn't know how to shut it off so like in the kitchen it's like in case just like I'm gonna turn that off and I have he's like Jesus Christ I don't know how to turn this machine old from source Simone if it's knowing you so no I can't hear it what you can't hear it what are you talking about?

and it's lobster and he's like the CV cooks everything at an even temperature so it's perfect tonight we're having Wagyu lobster it's very good spear classic elegance time and it's been all over the place with this crew. So this service needs to be on point Shut up, baby. It's like his eyes get half closed and kind of snarls us nose a little bit. I know He is like he is like a real stickler about timing, which I guess makes sense for most chefs, but he's not Hit he is a stickler for his timing. He's not a stickler for like when the guests are ready. So he has a real pull up his very clean and empty asshole at the moment.

Gross. I had to paint a picture, okay? So Sunset everybody is getting dinner ready and Brian passes by Courtney and he's like, of course she looks stunning in your black coat and she just kind of looks at him and ignores him. And Tanner, Tanner's like, that was brutal. That was brutal. You know what I'm saying? Jimmie cricket, she really tuned you down with, yeah. So, so now it's like eight o'clock, which is when they're supposed to be a dinner,

but instead everyone's like sitting up, I think, I think is this when everyone's sitting up on the bunny pad or whatever? I'm not sure. So Kate's getting the two top ready. She's got like, oh yeah, one of those Bluetooth lights, I guess, on the hot tub that's gonna change colors. She's got the little remote ready to go and Tanner says, Stanwha Thurne, he's like, hey, Kate, you wanna practice getting married? She's like, oh, thanks.

I tried it with the guy, but he didn't wanna do it. He's like, whoa, you know what what are you going to sing though to me? She goes, of course, I wouldn't deny you. I would say yes, and I would cancel later. Okay. Like anything with anyone with manners. All right. I'm sorry, I just, I'm not really interested in getting faking gays to someone with a voice of Fred Flintstone in the body of a used car dealership and flatable thing. always the frightful and stoned in the body of a used card dealership and flatable thing. So then the band arrives or the player whatever they have come violent the violinist that he will arrives and I didn't write it down I was like

surely I'll just remember a girl with a violin but I didn't so the Beatles arrived yeah he we Lewis in the news get off the be grave. I just on violin. She's playing a heart of rock and roll. So Kevin's like, all right, Kate. I just have to say I'm happy. I feel like I really accepted you with that. He would lose the news reference because I referenced it in the Atlanta Airport on Sunday. And I feel like it warmed your way into your brain and then like emerged right today. Yeah, because then it goes through my own memories of like that being my first concert. And was that my first concert or was it Amy Grant? I don't even remember anymore. That was like the rest of my afternoon.

I was like, how do I forget what my first concert was? See how it's been in there, man. Thanks. You're welcome. So Mike is getting ready, looks terrified in the ring. It looks really nervous in the mirror looking at the ring. And then Kevin's like, I can go in five minutes and she's like, could you just pause it five minutes because I'm afraid in three minutes, you're going to be like, I can go in two minutes. And she's like trying to be funny with him and he's not having it. He's like, come on, get dinner plates. It's just, um, okay, what's happy being I'll get you plates if you make it stop is making me insane. It's torture. Yeah. You know, Kevin's over here spiraling out and like shitting himself in the galley, like literally shitting himself. It's like non-stop. I mean, really, this is not going to end well. And

I'm going to make sure it ends even worse for him. We need to talk about Kevin, okay? Yes, he's losing his mind. So Kevin is like very obsessed with putting bread in the oven at this point. He's like, I need to put the bread in the oven. I need to put the bread in the oven. Five minutes of bread in the oven. Tom can put the bread in the oven. I can do it now. Can put the bread in the oven.

Can put the bread in the oven. Kate, bread needs to go in the oven. She's like, no. And she goes, she goes, I don't know why Kevin's being so bejiggy about guests not coming to the table. I mean, try to guess for never on time because they're on vacation. And yes, I did say the word bejiggy-ty. When he goes, can I get to set bread in? She goes, but I'll see any guests.

And he goes, come on, she's like, do not yell at me. Okay. And he's like, go to get the bread and the oven. Go to get the bread and the oven. Go to get the bread and the oven. Go to get the bread and the oven. It's like, dude, chill out. Just leave the bread near the oven. Let it like pre-warme up in the residual heat. Like relax, just the bread. So she takes the couple up to their own dinner

and the girl goes, is this real pinch Pinch, pinch, pinch, pinch. Oh God, here we go. She's never been in such a high altitude. So, yeah, by the way, I'm going up there. What the heck is this, Michael? It gives Captain Leo thumbs up. Did you see that?

He gives Captain Leo thumbs up and Captain Leo's like, hey, thumbs up back at you. I don't know what I'm coming up to. Maybe I'm thumping up to the fact that I have clean windows for once in my life. No dirty ass windows, like them thumb up you God dammit Kevin goes, okay, can I put the bread in and she is if you want to completely blow it Hey Kevin as much as I love you keep asking me about the bread

It's getting almost as annoying as your sous vide machine. So maybe you can shut both of them off that be great So downstairs on the crew mass everyone's laughing that Courtney was so miserable on the excursion. And Tanner's like, yeah she said, uh, I got to walk on trash the whole time. They're all cracking up. And Ashton says, I don't know, but that knocked a dandy pig for me in my head like that. And Brandon's like, it's okay, I like her. I mean, mean she believes me off but I still like her and Ash in says I don't know I'll just get giggles I need to teach you guys dickwik and some guy yeah and then they have like a battle of South African smoking laughs they're like so now dinner is being served and everyone's Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi. Oh. So now dinner is being served. And everyone's like very happy.

And upstairs, upstairs, like Michael is just smiling at Samantha. And she's like, what is it? He goes, you'll find out later. I'm like, dude, don't blow your own surprise. Don't tease your engagement. Just smile and say, you let she looks pretty. And look at my unlike Katy Perry

So she'll be happy. Yeah, so then Kate let someone go to bed and stuff and she's like you know I know it's only night one, but I really love Simone Kate. They've shown no attitude yet I Might even cherish you do with them maybe So Mike finally starts this thing. He's like, every day you've been helping me and putting up with all the moves and the startups. Would you be willing to do all that the rest of our lives and cake comes up and starts clearing dishes? Oh, excuse me. Oh, I guess, oh, my interrupting, I guess maybe if we rehearsed this earlier, this wouldn't

have happened. Oh, well, anyway, let me just go downstairs. By the way, also, your color stuck behind your lapel for this big moment in your life, that's being captured on camera. Oh, well, I guess another thing we could have rehearsed, I've seen your shirt. Yeah, you've got lipstick on your teeth. Okay, carry on. Yeah.

Oh, carry on. And the girl looking mad. Don't worry. They cut to the girl looking really mad They kind of recomposed themselves and Kate goes whoopsies my bad That was my version of cheering up at this beautiful moment. That's really not that beautiful So it's like I don't want to do my life without you. It's like, oh my God, I am pinching myself. He proposes and, you know, what do you say?

He proposes and Kate Nash to watch and Kate's watching like this off the edge. Yeah, she just like, what can I clear the table? I'll be honest, it wasn't my best table escape. What can I clear the table? I'll be honest it wasn't my best table escape. So then Kate goes down to the gallery to give the report. She's like, well, they're engaged. And she was crying, borderline sobbing was pathetic. So then Abby and Ashton are talking

while they cover furniture for the night. And he's like, you eat someone. And she says, he's complicated. I'm like an open relationship. But this caption agrees, so I work for it. And like, I mean, look, if I wanted to hook up with someone, I totally hook up so like, I can't be mad at him if he hooks up with somebody because that wouldn't be cool, right? Yeah, she's like, boom, no. Yeah. And he goes, I think I'm in love with him. Okay, well, that sounds really like a great

foundation for the relationship. Yeah, that's she should ride her own vows. She's like, I think I'm in love with them, but like them, what if somebody else comes along? It's like, yo, lo. So then, uh, Captain Lee, uh, is like very touched by this proposal on the boat. He's like, this is a major event in two people's lives. I mean, this puts a smile on my face to witness something like that Just like warm and fuzzy like a little puppy dog So I'm like like a puppy dog who knows how to work who does a job because let me tell you something that puppy dog

Didn't know what he's doing. He get a one-way ticket to the retouch if you know what I'm saying You know what I'm saying get a one-way trick it and an emotional support animal letter to get on a plane Got it. I'm puppies and an emotional support animal letter to get on a plane. Got the ampuppies. So they come downstairs the couple and they show off the ring and everyone's hugs. It's like really nice. And then of course, time Courtney smiles. She's like, that's a good ring. Real good and kick us.

Told you. Told you. So then of course, then the girl, like Michael and Samantha, they both go on to FaceTime and show their dog the ring. And I know that like, when I made fun of this last week, you felt very sensitive, so I won't make fun of it this week. But everyone knows what's going on in your head.

I'm like, he's an idiot. You know, I'm like, Buehler, hi, how are you doing? Like, that's how I FaceTime my dog. I'm like, what's going on? Everybody being nice here. If you played, did you make your bed? I hope you peeped that side. Don't be disrespectful.

You know, I'm like a normal parent, but this goes like It's just how people talk to their dogs on FaceTime. Yeah, you're not nearly it Is this the best use of Wi-Fi really Really? Is this like the history of humankind leading from the first wheel to the heights of technology where we can have Wi-Fi and connectivity in the middle of Thailand that can take you all the way to wherever they are, Tarzana. And this is how we're going to take advantage

of mankind's accomplishments, really. So there's this bedtime and Ashton and Kevin are talking we're going to take advantage of like mankind's accomplishments really. So then it's bedtime and Ashton and Kevin are talking and Ashton's like, you been at BRU and he's like, well, I haven't been on a toilet for eight hours. Like school. I think that should go on his resume. I cooked up the pudding blue. I knew how to sous vide some steak and I haven't been on the toilet in a day and hours so high on me. And it's the last day of charter waking up time. The girl's like, I bought bacon and eggs. And Michael says, well, just ask chef and she's

like, ah, pinching myself. Oh my god, what is this life? This time when I pinch myself at a heart because I have a ring on and it's great. How are you pinching yourself? My fictional scenario. So then they're all sitting on the deck waiting for breakfast and one of the guys they're with goes, God, she thinks it was a long time waiting for the proposal. Wait until she sees how long this engagement is going to be. And then Michael looks like Tara, like mortified and the girl's so mad. Yeah, she's mad because she's like, I actually don't really follow that,

but I feel like I should be mad right now. So then Ashen goes in and she checks in on Capitol. He's like, good morning, Sue, how are you? And he's like, well, I checked the opets this morning and I wasn't in them. Guess that means it's gonna be a good day. Gonna keep all the tickets in the drawer. If you know what I'm saying, no one going home, good day.

So then we get that 24 thing while everyone's cooking cooking cleaning cleaning and then we just see Courtney ironing something and she goes Oh my god, I'm so good at ironing. Oh, I thought she said I'm so bad at ironing Oh, she said I'm so good at ironing because I guess she's like learned how to iron something finally. Oh So now it's time for docking, docking drama. So they're bringing the yacht to the dock. And for some reason Abby has a line that's more difficult because of some angle or wind or whatever. And Ashen is saying, it's going to be a little harder.

By the way, I spent so much time, yesterday, working on my South African accent. And now I'm just back to Australia. So frustrating. So she's like Abby tosses her line to the dock for the guy to catch it and to tie it onto the thing and she misses and captain leaves like, what's going on here?

Somebody tacked me. Yeah, and she's like, I don't know, I'm just a sailor. I mean, if you don't think I can do it, I won't be offended. He's like, I believe in you, you believe in a sailor. I mean, if you don't think I can do it, I won't be offended. He's like, I believe in you. You believe in yourself. So it's like, toss. Wait a minute!

Second try. God damn it! Third try. I will listen. This is like, uh, uh, this is like a plane landing, all right? Sometimes things go good, sometimes things go bad, but hey, no one got sucked out of a window. I'll take it.

I'll take it. Uh, so yeah, the big drama. I like how they have this drama. After two throws, the rope, the guy doesn't catch it and we go to commercial. It's like, will the rope reach the guy on the third try? And it does. I like they just have a rope toss cliffhanger.

So now it's time for the guest to leave. So Michael leaves makes a nice little speech and then almost forget to tip them and they all laugh as if they don't hate his guts. Yeah, we know what you tried to do there. And Courtney is walking around after that. Oh my God, where's my phone? Where's my soul?

Yeah. And then Abby and Brian are talking and she's like, you seem like really even temporaries. Like, yeah, I used to be very, I used to, you know, things don't really bother me anymore. I used to be very temperamental, I used to live in a car by the beach and I was, you know, it was very hot for me. It was very moody all the time. And she's like, yeah, I was homeless in college and I would go to school and then like come back and sleep on a bench and then wake up and go to school.

And I guess I don't really have anything to say about that. I said that they both had very rough lives. They really find a lot of people who have rough backgrounds for this show. They either have like a child with someone that they just broke up with or they spent like a good portion of their life living in a van or on a bench. Yeah. And Abby says, you know, she's always had to work hard. And I was homeless but I graduated from the Victorian and I got a scholarship to law hard. And I was homeless, but I graduated Vada Dictorian. And I got a scholarship to law school.

So I think that makes me kind of badass, which it totally does. So then at the meeting, they have their meeting, their tip meeting. And the captain's like, hey, your first charter is Bose and Ashton, you did well. And Kevin's like, yeah, we all put our best foot forward. I think put on service, there's still some kinks. And Kevin's like yeah, we all put our best foot forward. I think put on service there's still some kinks and Kate's just like,

how much of a Kate face can I make right now? I'm just going to look at you with as straight a face as possible. And maybe you'll be able to detect my incredible rage through my purse lips and half closed eyelids as I look at you. Yeah, mine looks like a butter scotch in her mouth whenever she gets some adjuice. Hmm. Okay, there we go. Okay, so yeah, so there's some kinks.

All right, I can show you some kinks. We'll see what real kinks are. The captain's like, well, you know, sometimes you do good, sometimes you do great, and from here on, we do greater and greater things, Bill King's are. Okay. And the captain's like, well, sometimes you do good, sometimes you do great. From here on, we do greater and greater things, and that's it. All right. So here's 617 grand, everyone. Yeah. I got a nice big tip.

And then Kevin's like, hi, I want to sit down with the girls and go with the service. And she's like, oh, yeah, okay. Yeah, that'd be great. I can see you have a very particular way of doing things. So we should do that. And in case you couldn't tell, that wasn't insult to you, okay. Yeah, that'd be great. I can see you have a very particular way of doing things. So we should do that. And in case you couldn't tell, that wasn't insult to you, yes. Yeah, for this meeting,

would you just like me to heap the girls on a table family style, and then you can talk to them in an unorganized fashion? Would that be good for you? Should we just like line up outside the bathroom door and you just talk through it while you're shooting your brains out? Because you don't have good sanitation.

Do you want me to do that? Or hygiene, I should say? So Kate's reaction, of course, at being called out in front of the staff and the captain, I am pissed. You can tell, because I almost raised my voice. So guess what, Kevin? You're gonna have a full day of me talking to you

in a chirpy, cheerful sounding voice, which is the exact opposite of how I feel every time I talk to you. The boys are jumping off the bat, I'm getting ready for not a party in and everybody's getting ready and Brian's like, we're getting missy the night. And the music just stops while Kevin takes a sip out of a corona and hits his tooth. He's like, I don't fucking hurt.

Yeah. So they, something they, they're violent of ants, they go out in Fouquet. And, or actually someone said it's actually pronounced Fouquet. So who knows? I've already changed my pronunciation once.

Get off my ass. You're stuck with Fouquet. They're going out to a beach, a beach town in an region of Thailand. And so they sit down at this table and Courtney is like, this is the most uncomfortable seat. Get a new one. And Brian's like, Courtney, would you like me to pour your beer for you?

I'm trying here. I'm really trying. And Kevin goes, try it. That's the word you're trying. Yeah. And he's like, well, she can be tough to read that one. But honestly, that's kind of what I like. Especially since I actually don't know how to read. So, Courtney is like eating some pad Thai and Ashen. The thing that we haven't truly articulated here is that both Ashen and Brian are trying to get into Courtney's pants.

And they're being really ski-be-co-workers in the process. So Courtney's eating some paddye and Ashton's like, so Courtney, you seem to look pale tall with chili in it. I like that. You like it hot. I like it, huh? And she's like, Brian's like looking at him like, Brian gets so mad. Yeah, because Brian said that he likes her

I don't think Ashden didn't say I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. No, Ashden's sort of Brian. Brian. Good. Yeah, Brian basically said that he liked her first and the national in that earlier scene, Ashden's like, well, I like her too. And then now it's just like it's just no good a classic cockblocking and Brian's like, but of course it's his boss, so we can't really get too mad, you know? I mean, this is boss. So his boss shouldn't be trying to fucking employ, but whatever.

I guess some of your rules are different on this show. So, um, yeah, Brian's mad and then, uh, can it also trying to hit on Kate. Yeah. And Tana's trying to hit on Kate. She's talking to Abby and she's like, you know, Abby, like I know you're from the Northwest or the Northeast or whatever, but if you were in Cali, I think it'd be a surfer girl and Abby goes, but I hate salt. I hate being salty. And she's like, but you're a sailor. She goes, yeah.

Well, good thing that law degree didn't work out for her. Yeah, so Tanner's like, yeah, I like all the women, you know, because they already dealt with all the bullshit. So who has come out to play and you know you're in for a good time, huh? Hey Kate, how's that paddye? You like the peanut sauce? You like the peanut sauce? She's like, hmm. Probably the worst line someone's ever used on me. It's like, you know what? Paddye to me. It's like eating peanut butter with noodles. And she goes, yeah, I think it's supposed to be like that. Oh, really? She goes, yeah.

I can't wait for him to tell me about how using forks and knives is really fun for him. That's gonna be great. I can't wait for him to hit on me with that. Wait till he talks about liking mayonnaise on hamburgers. Hey, Kate, how's that plate working out for you really holding up those noodles? Huh? It's really good how those plates work, huh? Yeah. So later they're in a club and there's one of those ladies like hanging upside down from a ribbon

and Kate's just looking up at her like, huh? I wrote that down also. Just Kate looking at an aerialist with like one part envy and one part to stain. Really? Oh, hanging from some cloth. That really qualifies you for a lot of things in life. Huh. Oh, so Ashton is like, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, and Ashton is the first one to say, I think they put something different in the Volta E. I think Courtney is just watching them. She's watching Simone and Ashton dance and she's like, she's doing like, she's doing one of my favorite things,

which is an exaggerated, uh, yarn that you only, the type of yarn you only do when you're in a club that like a big yon, be like, I don't know if anyone's watching me right now, but they should all know I'm bored and I want to go home and I want them to feel self-conscious about their dancing. So I'm just going to do a big just want a glass of wine and a conversation. Like with who? You don't even converse with anybody. So then someone comes over to take a selfie

and she's in the middle of the selfie and she goes, I'm not photogenic. I don't want to be involved. I miss that. Not photogenic, okay. I don't want to be involved. I just want to be on a TV show where my face is on TV. It's time for commercial. It's time for commercial.

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You can listen ad-free on the Amazon Music or Wondery app. Rapin's commercial. And she's like, I don't really like random people sweating on me, so thanks. So I'm asked in dancing with all these girls and doing his normal like, you're beautiful. Hi, anyone ever tell you? You're gorgeous. Yeah, it's like, you're absolutely beautiful.

And the woman's like, you don't know how to answer that that's okay I'm gonna grind on you instead. She's like So Tanner's like look you're obviously into action just go for it So she goes over to him and she's like to Abby Who did I say? You just didn't say anyone. I was just clarifying that Tanner was telling to Abby because Abby is subtle Abby basically says you know, I didn't think Ashton was hot. But for some reason, 10 minutes ago, he started to become hot. I'm like, yeah, because you're drunk again.

So he talked to her and the going over there. So she's like, him being my boss doesn't affect whether or not I'll have sex with them. I mean, I have sex with my boss all the time in Greece. Yalow. So she joins us. So what? I just made a stupid pun I said me canose to So she joins him on the dance floor drinking a whole bottle of grey goose to herself and

Yeah, that's always a good luck She's like hey, I like you you feel me you feel me and he's like this is one of the best bad ideas ever He's like it's like good idea, bad idea, great idea. I'm like no terrible idea, terrible terrible idea. It's your employee. So they go get in the vans and Aschins getting a piggyback from Abby and Tanner is trying to sit with Kate and Kate's like this. When he gets in the car she's turned her way from him like, oh don't touch me. And Courtney's like this. She's like this. When he gets in the car, she's turned her way from him. Like, oh, don't touch me. And Courtney's like, get in the back, Tanner. There's seats in the back.

He goes, jimmy cricket. So they're in the van. Oh, by the way, I want to give a shout out to one of our listeners who came to our Atlanta show. So, you know, a lot of times people come to our shows with fun t-shirts or they come and costume and someone came with a Kate Chastain scarf. And that was just excellent.

Excellent. Great cosplay there. So anyway, so they're in the van going back and of course Courtney is like, I hate vans. And Brian is in the back seat and he's wasted. And so he's like trying to hit on Courtney. He goes, he's like, cool, you're so pretty. Please laugh more. Please laugh more. You're please laugh more.

And she goes, be funnier then, which by the way, is a bitchy response, but also a totally appropriate and great response. Yes. Like, it's so condescending. Yeah, you don't, you don't say that to girls. Like, you'd be so pretty if you just smiled more. Shut up. Who says that?

It's like, just like, I know. I understand. I understand. I understand if it, if it looks like someone's in a bad mood You might say you might try to say something to cheer them up But like that thing at that way is so patronizing condescending and she's like I do smile though Just not when you tell me to smile so I was like you know what like That's like it was just like I was like like the fact that women have to deal with us all the time I was like

So back on the boat So back on the boat Ashton is wasted and he's like all right, I'm sleeping on the bunny face So anybody wants to concur with me sleeping on the bunny day the night and all the deck hands go out there and sleep together But the only ones who end up staying there are ashton and free No, I made ashton and Abby. Yeah, I mean, Ashton and Abby. Yeah, well, no, Tanner also was up there,

I think, for a long time. And for me, what was funny was, I felt like that was Ashton's way of saying, like, I want to be in a sexual situation with Abby, but I don't want to actually say I want that, so that way it could be like, oh, it just sort of happened. But what was funny is that when he said that, like, everyone went up there,

I feel like it was directed solely towards Abby, but then like Tanner was up there and Brian too. They all cuddled. Yeah. So then Courtney and Simone are eating and Courtney's like, never in my life have I gone up to a man and said, whoa, you're pretty, please smile. Yeah.

Yeah, exactly. Because it's true. Could you imagine like, I'm like getting myself angry. I'm just gonna drink my coffee and settle down. Yeah, I don't think this one needs to have like, I'm like, getting myself angry. I'm just going to drink my coffee and like settle down. Yeah, I don't think this one needs to have anger. Like it's there's no anger. It's like, I'll tell it all obvious. It's like it's it's right there. It's a good boy thing. It's right there. So Ashley and Abby stay on the bunny pad and they wake up all. He's like, I think it would have been less

awkward if we'd actually fucked. It was gonna be a weird day. Yeah. And Kate is hungover, and she's like, face first on the couch, just like, wishing she had her scarf to come for her. I don't know what my scarf is, and I really need it right now. I think the vodka in Thailand is different. This is like 18-year-old Kate just learning how to party for the first time, not a good luck. Yeah

So then downstairs or I don't know where it is but Kevin Kevin reveals a very original Twist he has a daughter and she's six and he in the he and the baby mama Separated not long after she was born. Who would have thought who would have thought? I know if it belowck classic classic character. So so his daughter lives in Melbourne and cake goes oh Melbourne you're so lucky you're so lucky which was I feel like her way of saying like you're a terrible father and you should be a Melbourne right now I couldn't tell. Oh I thought it was her saying you're so lucky your daughter's not here right now with you she lives someplace else but he's, her name is Billy Kay and she's like,

Hi, I love girls with boys names. And he's like, it's all for me to be away from a dola da. And some of us always all head kids and Kate goes, hi, don't. And they all laugh and Kevin's like, okay, Kate, I'm going to kill this lady. I hate this. Hey, can I put the bread in the oven yet? Like, you know, already happened last night.

What? I missed the bread in the oven. So Brian passes by Simone and he's like, I behaved last night, right? And she's like, well, apparently I have some issues in the call on the robber back. Come on. Yeah.

Yeah. There's two things that I love. Eye-earning and telling you that you definitely missed up in the van. He's like, oh shit. So yeah, so meanwhile downstairs, Abby and Ashton are in the crew mess and they're sort of like laughing about last night and she's like, you were really trying to get it in last night. You were really trying to get it in.

Even though it looked like she was the one trying to get it. Either way, they were just drunk and horny. So everything's fine. They have sort of settled it. Everything's like fine. Yeah, so then Courtney is handing a uniform off to Brian. And he's like, hey, Lisa and cool. And they can just wanted to talk to you

and she just passes by her and starts going down those little stairs. Yeah. And he's like, I hope I didn't offend you. It was a bit awkward. And I don't think I did anything wrong. She goes, you were just annoying me. So, and he's like, I hope I didn't offend you. It was a bit awkward. And I don't think I did anything wrong. She goes, um, you were just annoying me. So I was like, well, I apologize.

She goes, um, thanks for apologizing. It's fine. I'm sorry. It's fine. I'll forgive you, but I'm not going to forget. OK. You're basically like a really uncomfortable chair and Foucait. Oh my god.

I just, I just rhymed. I hate rhyming. So Simone is doing laundry, talking to Ashton, they're having their little like get to know me conversation. Yeah. And, uh, she's just basically saying, uh, started as a yacht. Her sister on trying to do anything not to get ink to get income without non-tph. And she tells us, I speak five languages, but I've never left South Africa. So I did research on where wealthy people speak five languages. And I think you're saying love that.

Love it. Love it. Same much. So now we have our preference sheet meeting and our guests, our return guests, it's Helen Hally and Richard Fiori. Helen is the one famously from last season who's on that weird charter. We're no one seemed to know each other and she she was like, all goth and hitting on Adrian. And was like, please show me, how do you sharpen your knives?

How do you open your refrigerator? Wow, that's amazing. Wait this food. Oh, wow, this is so good, ma. So Kate loves them because they're crazy people. And she loves crazy people. So they want to have, they want to do a few things, they want to go fishing and if they catch anything, they want to be cooked and they want

to have a big seafood extravaganza and they want to do some excursions, etc. But the key is seafood extravaganza because it looks like that's going to be something that have like an issue for next week. And Kevin's like, I'm nervous about this child. So this has been lacking. Okay, you're too much too soon. Captain, you took a long time. I'm sorry your bread did not get to go in the oven at 7.57 pm and went in at 803 instead. Okay, but you need to really calm those bread jets.

So then we get my favorite scene. Tanner-5. Oh my God, I'm so scared. I could not believe it. I could not believe it. I started laughing. I was like, I- Tangerine's. Oh my god, I- Oh my god, I- Tangerine's. Tangerine's. I could not believe it. I could not believe it. I started laughing. I was like, I could not stop laughing.

Basically, Tanger's mom is antibby. Like, we figured it out. It's all connected. She's so funny, Tangerine. She's so funny, Tangerine. She's so funny, Tangerine. She's so funny, Tangerine. She's so funny, Tangerine.

I love you so much, Tangerine. She's so funny, Tangerine. She's so funny, Tangerine. She's so funny, Tangerine. I love you so much, Tangerine. She's so funny, Tangerine. I love you so much, Tangerine. I love you so much, Tangerine. I love you so much, Tangerine. I love you so much, Tangerine. I love you so much, yeah, mom. It's good. I got hammers last night. That sounds good. Hannah

That's what's on Tana. He's like 100% mad. Love you. She's like love you Tana. Tana. Well, there are any hookers there Tana. Yeah, mom, do I, I don't know if I saw any hookers, but definitely my boss. She's like a hot, she's a hot lady. Oh, that's great, Tana. You're doing great, Tana. Yeah, so funny. It're doing great, Tana. So funny. It's just like a cally and his mom thing from last year. And as they hang up, she goes, don't get any one pregnant, Tana. Love you so much, Tana. And he goes, Jimmy Nick Rickett. Something Courtney is reading over the preference sheet. She goes, I want to see food extravaganza. No, bear.

She is, she really is being tortured. She, I mean, she is, I don't know. She, I feel like she's in a, in a milk commercial, you know, like, remember the milk commercial where like, I feel like remember there was a milk commercial with a guy who, uh, he, he tried, like, he, there's milk commercial with a guy who he tried, like, there's like a sweepstakes and he knows the answer. It's like Alexander Hamilton, Hamilton, Hamilton, and he like, can't call in an answer because he's got peanut butter in his mouth and he doesn't have any milk.

I feel like she's going through that experience. Like, she needs her milk. And I don't know, this metaphor may have really not made a sense, but when I started it, it made so much sense. And then by the time I ended it, I was following you, so I'm like, that's an interesting way to look at that, because I just look at this girl like, man, this girl's a dick. You know what? Okay, wait, it's like the milk commercial where the guy, there's like an awful guy and he gets run over by a car. And then he winds up in this like place, that's like heaven, and there's like cookies everywhere.

And he's like eating all these big cookies and he opens up the fridge, have some milk and all the milk cartons are empty and it turns out he's in hell because there's no milk. That's what that's the milk commercial she's in. She's in her own milk hell. Mailed it.

I'll just stop. I'm gonna stop. I can't save it. I can't. You nailed it, babe. Sort of. You didn't break all of you. Thank you, callies mom. I needed't. You nailed it, babe. Sort of. Great.

Thank you, callies, mom. I needed that. Yeah, so everybody starts getting ready for this little din din. And now we get the main drama of the show. Has anyone seen my walkie? Abby just lost her radio. It's in your hair Senior hair looking your hair Yeah, so she's lost her walkie no one can find it and they're doing provisions and working I'm happy is still searching for that damn walkie Simone is ironing and she's like I love oiling I will never be taller than ving. I just love ironing.

I was like, God, I love her attitude. Yeah, it's the most about so far. Yeah. So Kevin and Kate are talking and he's like, Kate, can we have a meeting? She's like, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Okay, mm-hmm. She's doing that thing.

Sure, I'd love to hear your ridiculous ideas that we won't follow, but yeah, sure. Let's wait 10 minutes. Sure, let's do this. And it goes to my standards are quite high, all right. And the service isn't matching what I'm putting out. You know, the breakfast setup, that's not going to come out to primary wakes up. Now, this is your side of the galley.

And when I'm ready, I'm ready. And I'll communicate when I'm ready, but that means I'm ready. And then the launch menu goes up here. So you can look at that whenever you're doing laundry or whatever you're doing. And she's like, mm-hmm. Does every minute listening to this to this one's listening. So we can joke about this later. That's why we're listening, right?

And she tells us what he's doing is asserting his power. Last time I checked the chief's do is in charge of service. So you have one job. Cook. Okay. I got the rest. If you're holding the bag of cheetos, that means you're the head of service. And last time I checked, it's in my hand. That's me. That's me. That's me.

So now, Captain Lee, Captain Lee like walks into a room and there's like a walkie-talkie just like sitting there on a couch, like possibly plays there by production. And he's like, all right, all right. So he brings it up to the wheelhouse. He's like, who currently does not have a radio? Who currently does not have a radio? So of course it's Abby and so now they're now the entire dekru is in trouble and they all get called up to the wheelhouse. All right, I would like to start this meeting without the use of pacifiers because I'm not goddamn babysitting. I hope I made that clear. because I'm not goddamn babysitting. I hope I made that clear. Here, I have a new analogy to start this to show how angry I am. I am going to come apart like a cheap suit over somebody who doesn't have their radio. Did everyone hear that one?

Because I thought about that last night and it worked out really well, I think. I'm coming out like I'm coming off like a dress it up at a whirlpool of real housewives is about to get into. Anybody got me? Anybody found on their hand? I'm I'm I'm falling apart like a word that you spelled out in your alphabet soup and you just put your spoon in it now with all words have drifted to different parts of the bowl.

How about that? This pisses me off to no end. This was up here in the wheelhouse. You should fucking sleep with it. It should be a priority. So I'm going to give you an unbilical cord. Now, somebody get the skin, somebody sew this to Abby's skin. That's it.

Someone grabbed it on there. Listen, I hope we don't have to have this conversation again because trust me, when I tell you it will not be as pretty as the one we're having right now, because I actually am wearing makeup, believe it or not. I'm trying to make up. I don't know if you can see to my are my eyes popping a little bit more now I'm separated by eyelashes for this meeting and it won't happen for the next I contoured for this meeting but next time you're gonna see the full roundness of my face. So 10 minutes so

so time kids who ever still changing step it up. I see people walking this way in one's moment about food already. So the guest are coming and this lady Mrs. Hoey is, uh, what's her name? Well, Helen's the main one, but then she has a friend named Brandy. Girl. Okay, she has

a friend in a purple dress, who I'm calling purple. And then she has Brandy in a purple dress who I'm calling purple and then she has Brandy who's the drunk lady and she's not she cannot be just drunk I'm sorry they're walking up to the boat and she's like why are you stumbling Brandy don't fall into the ocean and how it's like oh hi guys good to see you my god hi god. Hi. Hi obsessed. Oh, hi. So they're like piling into the boat and Brandy can barely stand up They're like holding her up and they're getting up and she's like this is not the boat is it? I'm like no Brandy there just you're just cool. You're this is your new office. What it well says this So okay, it's like let me give you a tour. So they're walking around. She's like this is the white room

There's where the couch is and then purple dress goes Are you the captain? No, I'm the chief steward, she goes, the chief steward, she went, yeah, she's that. Take a good look at my face because the last thing you're gonna see before you die. So Brandy's like falling over. This other woman is like also pretty drunk and she probably would have gotten the drunk at it if Brandy had been so crazy. So then Brandy starts like hyperventilate or something. She's like, I just want to go to a room. I just want to go to a room. Yeah.

A purple, purple ghost. That Brandy girls a mess. He won't bite at her. Yeah. purple purple ghost that Randy girls a mess who invited her Yeah, and Kate does that thing she like Kate just walked out of some room and she just bulge her eyes like Like she's like I can't say have right now because they might hear me so I'll just bulge my eyes on my eyes say have for me And that's pretty much the end of the low day But the last image is you see Kate walk into room and she's, um, would you like a bottle of water or anything? And it cuts to the someone brandy, like lying dead. And her hair is like getting sucked up by a fan. She's like, it's like, you want some water?

I'll get you some water. Just like being so chipper and nice as if this woman just like, a little part and she's like literally like dead a skeleton dead on the couch Yeah, she's like I've seen people way said but not this way said I mean did anyone finish the tour? I Didn't get to show them the lapis lazuli in the bathroom and that brings us to the end everybody our recap week It will be a little funky again because we are traveling to a new place traveling to Chapel Hill and Richmond. So we put our live show recap of New York Monday.

So there's that. And this week, Real Housewives of Orange County and Real Housewives of Dallas will be done at live shows in Chapel Hill and Richmond. So we'll see you guys over there, be patient. If you need more talking, go do premium bonus episodes. We've got 260 of them to go listen to and they're really fun. And if you want to see this on video, it's on crap. It's on demand on Patreon. Thank you video people. And everybody we love you very much. We will talk to you later in the week. Bye everyone! and add free with Wondry Plus in Apple Podcast. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at Wondry.com slash survey.