Watch What Crappens - BelowDeck: It's All Gravy (and Scallops)

Episode Date: November 23, 2017

Matt's still serving up mediocre food on "Below Deck," and if that's not bad enough, Jen dipped her fork in Kyle's gravy. WHAAAAA? Will she wind up locked in a bathroom? Who knows? Come listen to our very special Thanksgiving recap! See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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extras come over and be a premium member over at patreon dot com slash watch what crap ends that's patreon dot com slash watch what crap ends. Hey everyone welcome to watch what crap ends the podcast about all that crap we just love to watch on Bravo. I'm Ben Mandelker from BSIBlog.com and the Banta Blender podcast and joining me today on Thanksgiving, Turkey Day is person I am so incredibly thankful for. I just wish we could be together at a parade watching giant balloons slow by but we can't because we're in LA. It's Ronnie Carrham from trashtalktv.com and the Rosebrook Spatchup Podcast.

Hello! Whoa, hello my little turkey! Oh, you're my little turkey! I'm really obnoxious on Thanksgiving and just call everybody my little turkey. It's like some weird like mom thing I've still got going on. I'm just like, hey turkey!

Oh, you're a turkey. Turkey. I'm so sorry for manipulating you into taking a bass to wrap your bum, turkey. How is this Thanksgiving going for you, Ronnie? What are you doing for Thanksgiving today? I'm gonna have some family dinner with Leah Black. How fun is this turkey? Super fun. That's so cool. You have to tell her happy Thanksgiving for me.

Of course, what are you doing right now today with just Thanksgiving? I'm on the East Coast for basically an in-and-out trip with my blood friends family. So it's I'm looking forward to it because the menu is like never ending. There are, it's, it's, I, I will be a turkey when I come back. It is like every dish under the sun and I cannot wait.

It looks amazing. You'll be a little float. Yeah, I'll be a float, but I'm gonna try to do a friend's giving when I get back to LA because I love cooking for Thanksgiving and I haven't had a float, but I'm going to try to do a friends giving when I get back to L.A. because I love cooking for Thanksgiving and I haven't had a really a chance to, you know, I'm not doing the cooking this year and I like to cook. I like Thanksgiving cooking, so I'm going to do a friends giving. Yeah, I usually do Thanksgiving cooking every year and usually it's just for me and a

couple of friends. I don't do a huge thing because I love to sleep normally I just have a big dinner at my house go get wasted for a while in gay town because there's no one there and it feels so nice to like Spread out like an old person in the gay bars and then come home early and eat a lot more while I watch you know Elf or whatever. Well, I've had some really nice Thanksgiving's with you Ronnie. We had a Thanksgiving where we went to the San Gabriel Valley and went to like a Vietnamese restaurant with Jenny Fam and Richard Tamiyo. Yeah, that was very fun. That was so fun especially because we had already had like a Thanksgiving dinner. Like I had gone over to Lisa Timon's house and had full traditional like sort of Western American Thanksgiving,

turkey and everything, and then we met up and went out and had B&M's food, that was so fun. And then of course, the friends giving that we did over at Jessica's house with Trisha, that was honestly one of my favorite Thanksgiving's of all time. Oh my God, that was so fun. Trisha was like, I want turkey, the turkey is not right, I. Like honestly one of my favorite things to me all time. Oh my god. That was so fun

Turkey, the turkey not right. I and so she's like I'm hungry and Trisha's like five years old You know, yeah, so if Trisha hungry girl, you better get her ass down to that pike I was like you guys got french fries bring them on over. Thank you guys just saved Thanksgiving And it did and then we came back and like my baby had like cleaner face off. Yeah thanks. Yeah we ate it like eight through your nine because the turkey had some thawing issues that were unforeseen. That was great. So anyway thanks. That's what I'm thankful for. More memories with you Ronnie. Memories like the corners of my mind, which is round. That song has never really made any sense to me. Barbara Skryce and you got to am confusing woman.

Not thankful for her. I'm also thankful for Barbara, okay. That's my verging off of the gay path. I am thankful for our listeners. I really am because the listeners have kept us alive and a float. Without the listeners, I would probably still be driving Uber. I would definitely be living, counting every single dollar as it comes out. That's what my life was like. Every single, if I spent $3 on something that would go in my log for the week,

because I couldn't spend more than $100 a week. So, I am very thankful that you guys have allowed us to, you know, you've supported our podcast, you've come to our shows, you've bought our merchandise, and you've let Ron and I, you know, start living like, let's give us like some breathing room in our ability to live life. Yeah, no one think that we rich now. Don't get the wrong impression. Don't don't pull your money now.

Just kidding, you guys. Well, the thing is that like we would never have been able to do this five day week business without without the listeners supporting us and keeping this podcast life. We would not have been able to do these live shows because there's a certain amount of capital that we have to sort of, that goes into doing live shows and there's definitely capital that goes into doing the merchandise and that's not something that we would have had an option to do a few years ago.

We would not be able to throw that money in like on spec that we're beginning to return on investment because we couldn't we couldn't that is the money that we were using the EAR food off of. So like idiots, like stupid idiots. So thank you everyone. Yeah, thank you guys. We sure love you and we look forward to seeing a lot of you in the new year. We're going on touring around. We're gonna be going to Houston and March March 9th Yeah, so go get your tickets. Those just won on cell this week. Yeah, so get them and we're hoping to have a January and February show too So we'll announce that as soon as we can especially the January show But as always we always tell people follow us on Twitter and on Instagram

because that's the best way to make sure you're hearing the news about when we announce dates, et cetera. It's all gonna be right there. Juh, but today we have a very special episode that's all Thanksgiving related. For below deck, we've got a very special turkey day below deck coming at you right now Exactly so um this week on below deck it opens up You know just just think of them as being on the Mayflower and there's captain Lee

Standing at the helm of the Mayflower just staring despondently out on the ocean like do I have to stand this Mayflower one? God damn minute longer god just give me the scurvy already. Christopher Columbus is one of the laziest mother fuckers I've ever seen in my life. Hey Christopher called dumbass. Yeah you know what I can't wait to do I can't wait to get this Mayflower over to the planet's rock so we can start shaming Hester Pring already. to the Plymouths rack so we can start shaming Hester Prin already. Hey, get the queen on the phone, huh? It's my country now, lady.

Kate's all folding the blankets that are covered in, like, what they cover them with, like smallpox? Yeah, something like that. Oh, you guys are ready, we're ready, already we're into the dark shit. We're like into like, we basically turn the story of the Mayflower, which is general discovery times. And then they went and they found the cape of good hope. Like, I was much all on. You never realize how stupid you are about certain history events until you correlate them with Bravo says I just realized today. I had no nothing about Thanksgiving. I know Christopher Columbus We we found the oh shit. I mean we found the murkah. We killed a bunch of Indians with you know poised blankets or something and you know weapons

De Soto um De Soto found the Mississippi River and you know weapons to so do um... to so do found the mississippi river uh... ponce delay on was like i think you'd like found my ammy my ammy or something like that or at least some like lake in florida and then the question you found mannays because you have to have mannays for potato salad and that person is never celebrated on thanksgiving and that was um sir Francis

trick yeah he was he was traveling around the world and he found mayonnaise off the coast of Indonesia This somehow made me like the actual singer Drake even more Which makes no sense, but now I like Drake weird. Well, meanwhile in the galley or somewhere in the crew mass of the main flower Bruno's like the motion of the ocean makes me so sleepy what a surprise well you know it's just like the indian said i'd die or could you pass the seat attack please here's the blanket Bruno here's the blanket

eight-blink cimbers small. What was that shit? I called it Cite. It was hard tack. What was that? That was like that meat that was like that salty meat. Ask Bruno. Matt's like, I am going to make a salad with hard tack on it. I've got to make sure I'm actually calling it by the right name.

You know me. I'm like very meticulous. I hate getting things wrong. Do you remember when, okay, so I don't even know where we are at now. So have we even started with it yet? Yeah, no, Bruno actually said that. That was an actual quote. I just contextualized it in the Mayflower, but Bruno said the motion of the ocean makes him sleepy. Well, he was also telling them he's like, he's so wavy outside that I was on the toilet and I took a shit and I was like whoa It's like already my favorite below deck episode of the year I think that was like the first five seconds

It's very wavy but the captain knows he don't care how many waves they're on this one He's getting that boat off the dot because he's ladies are crazy It's still the cougars all over the place, or so we like to call them the pilgrims. Mm-hmm. Yeah. The pilgrims chartered a Mayflower. Basically, there's like one brick in there in the prime.

The prime. The one in the Bounties to America for the first time. The primary pilgrim, by the way, heart attack is a biscuit, so I don't even know what I'm talking about. Oh, stop talking about biscuits. It's, well, it's like a British biscuit. So it's like a cracker, you know, it's not a good old one. Oh my god.

It's not a British biscuit, a cookie. Kind of, but not quite. I feel like British people just, I mean, I know that they came up with these words first and then we stole them. So I'm not that ignorant. But I feel like they're always tricking me with their food. Like, do you want to biscuit? No, because it's like dry and I need a lot of butter or something to eat it with. And then they're like, no, it's a cookie. But what is it? Well, it's like, you want a pudding and then it's not putting it all. It's like some doughy bread, like some uncooked bread. Like, what the fuck? Give me pudding. Stop tricking me.

Yeah, I mean, they, yeah, they are very, and like, yeah, they are very tricky with that sort of shit. Yeah, they're putting, I don't understand they're putting that it has structure, I don't get that. Well, I don't think it's my- I'm a bit scared. Yeah, I didn't cook my popovers properly once. Like, I had too much batter, and so they were a little soggy in my English room.

I was like, ehm, it's pudding. It's like, that's what a pudding is. Yeah, it's like doughy, like uncooked dough. I don't know, I'm so ignorant, you guys. Okay, let's just move on. Yeah. Let's move on for my British baking ignorance. So, hey, I'm really gonna go nuts.

I have to move away from this and just accept that I will not be able to remember this salted meat that the pilgrims ate on boats. It's driving me nuts. It's driving me absolutely nuts. The stupid salted meat so the way they wouldn't get scurvy. I don't know. It sounds gross to me salted meat. So I'm just ignoring it and waiting for it to go away. So Matt is complaining to Bruno about Captain Lee about he's like, yeah, Captain Lee, he doesn't like my hard-tack sandwiches. It's really frustrating to me. Like, I mean, I'm used to Mayflower trips where like all the pilgrims stay on the boat for, you know, 24 days. I'm not used to these like two-day pilgrim charters.

And Bruno's like, I don't understand the big deal with me bringing my big balls to the Indian. How else are we going to pro create? With them. Bruno's wrestling is fair, I don't know why. Yeah, it's fine. So Kyle, meanwhile, he's, Kyle starts telling Nico, he's like, I really like that Jen Pilgrim. She's crazy, dude, but I like a crazy bird. That's kind of my style.

I like a woman, he knows how to pluck a chicken. I like a woman who's real pure Italian, I pluck of chicken. A lot of women is real pure botanical, a lot. Who really wears that buckle well? Um, Kate and Jen, Jen is like, I can't find a plug. I don't know what a plug is. I want to make orange juice, but there's no plug. And she's like, the plug is right there, Jen.

Yeah. Where it was ever since the Indians placed in there. Many, many centuries ago. Yeah, okay? Jen's like, I can't squeeze the art No, cuz they there was an order for bloody marries in the Moses and and kiss like hi Jen How's it going with the blood my most? Well, I can't squeeze the oranges just yet because it was plug won't work And there's no earth to plug it and kids like hmm did you try that plug? It was working yesterday, which is Kate's way of saying,

listen, you dumb bitch, you plug it in, it's not plugged in. She's like, oh, I tried it, but I guess I can try it again. She's like, never mind. Please go downstairs and start getting the laundry ready or whatever and Kate's like, look, I know people are shocked that I haven't flayed Jen and served her bones to the Indians yet. Shocked off her head and thrown it down a pyramid as they didn't the film apocalyptic,

but it's Thanksgiving. And training a new member would just be more work for me. So, so Jen goes downstairs, he had a dish towel, and then Kate's like, huh, and just plugs into juicer into like any old plug. And so then she's like over the radio. She goes, Jen, Jen, can you please come juice some more the juicer works when it's plugged in? Thanks, over and out. And Jen's giving out a tooth like she won the fight. She's like, Oh, that's why they're okay. I shall. I shall do it. And okay, if she's mad at me, I'm staying and

I am telling you, I'm not. I forgot the words to that song. I hate this boat. Everybody's mean at me. I'm staying and I am telling you. I'm not. I forgot the words to that song. Hey, there's both. Everybody's mean to me. She's wearing the scarlet juicer. So Jen comes back up and she's like, we just discussed that it worked. Why would you reiterate?

Why would you reiterate that over the radio? I'm like, that is your boss. You are so fresh. You are fresh, unlike all the salted meats in Steerage. And then I like kids response. Kids doesn't even bat an eye because when Jen's like, we discussed that it would work. Why do you reiterate that? And the kid just goes, because you weren't doing it. I mean, while I'll cut to the main pilgrim, the primary pilgrim.

Yeah, she's like, Hey, you know what it felt like after drinking too much. You remember when you had a baby and that baby's crying in the middle of the night, you just wanted to punch it in the face, but you couldn't get up. That's like what a hangover is like. Yeah. Okay, thanks. Thanks for trying to be pilgrim. Isn't that, it wasn't that the worst when you're home, go over, you got to get up. That's like what a hangover's like. Yeah. Okay. Thanks. Thanks. Thank you. It wasn't that it wasn't that the worst when you're home. We got to wake up for a baby. And then for some reason the editors cut to Baker making a ponytail. Like no one woke up for me, bra.

Hey, yeah. Your mind. I tell you this much. And I was a baby. I didn't see no mama. Yama. I came out of the womb and sunglasses and jams mom. So Jen goes into the kitchen and Brianna's there and Brianna's like, how are things going? You know, robot Brianna. She's playing Barbara Strysan's Thanksgiving Turkey song with just one chord on her ukulele. There has to be a Barbara Strysan Thanksgiving song, right? It's probably like, tookies in the middle of the table, carving some white meat, or some brown. I would like to think that Kate hates Barbara Streisand too. I'm going to just go out on a limb and assume that that's the truth.

I think she probably would. I don't just think. People who make people, people who love people, are not the likest people alive. They're actually the worst That would be what Kate would say With her head slightly cocked, you know People who love people are liars, okay, huh So the way we were oh, I don't think the way we were was ever very good How about you stop doing your hair the way we were and stop doing it the way the

world is right now. Okay. How about throwing that curling iron to a Indian who could probably use it more than you? How about that, Jen? The mirror has two faces and Jen is somehow looking at both of them. Neither one of them can understand the thing fucking Jenna's saying. Okay. Ha. So, Jenna's like talking shit about Kate in the house. Yeah, she's like, yeah, she's doing a bad man from last night. And she attacked me. And I'm like, dude, and Kate's standing right behind her. She's like, Ha. Surprise. Ha. She's like, hmm, Jen, could you find the oranges? It's just fun to watch her run. She never seems to find citrus. So, okay, it's like every day I work with Jen, I'm thankful that I'm one day closer to not working with Jen. So the captain's in the kitchen. He's like, man, it's got up here, you know, bunch of pranchos down there. I'm not quite understanding yet.

So I'm gonna stay in here and make sure you get those cornstarch grown right there, chef. And he's like, whoa, I'm starting brunch now. Eh? Keeshes. It's just like a, God. Jesus Christ. Keeshes.

Yeah, seriously, he's like, all right, I was thinking that maybe I might do a scramble. Maybe, maybe some cheese in there. Maybe some salt not sure what you run out at fucking captain crunch I mean Jesus crack Maybe see now that's a great idea right there captain crunch perfect. I'm a simple guy Don't talk back to me. So Nico's now saying Captain French as I call it me cereal Nico's now saying Captain French as I call it me cereal

Isn't it ironic that I have my own cereal and yet I still haven't been able to open it Ah the heart wants what the heart can open I thought I'll wait the case Have you ever noticed that whenever you pour a bowl of captain crunch crunch it always says back to you? Hey, clean those goddamn windows already. So the brunch pool to is Nico's now like I was pretty hard on each a but I respect the guy. He's an experienced guy And I learned a channel, you know, I learned to like channel some of his stuff not be such a dick Well, isn't that nice since he's gone now Yeah, good job good job, Nico. We'll be busy this a little bit later in this

episode. So, um, so, Jo, me about Jen's like, Hey, look, you think I could juggle these lines and then she just prompts it probably just like drops them all over the floor. Where did the lines go? I don't see what the lines are. They're right at your feet we ran out of limes gen the limes are in front of you I don't know the limes she's me the me and then the favorite part oh go ahead go ahead I was just gonna say it was a transitional moment they brought back the summer house yeah yeah song what's like yeah yeah and I'm starting to realize that like pretty much every royalty song was like mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm Del's new album. I don't like anything she's talking. This is a different kind of a Del. But I got to Ross so much that I'm like, I love a Del. Like I love the new album. It's brilliant because you just hear it so many fucking times.

Well, I'll tell you, I don't think it can even touch the Blow Deck transitional music because that that shit is fire. Oh man, I hope a Del takes on the Blow Deck oval. Oh, if she could, if she could apply some vocals to the below deck, Canon. Oh, that'd be awesome. She'll make every single below deck incidental sound like someone's getting broken up with. You know that Adele probably watches below deck. I actually fully believe she sits and watches below deck

because it seems to be the only show that like people, like if you ask any random person, do you watch Bravo? They almost always say oh No, I don't I will I do watch that yachting show I'm like yeah that one yeah that really has caught on the below deck so and how hard is it for people to remember? That's called below deck by the way Everyone's like that show where they're on the yachts below deck. It's like the easiest name to remember below deck I think people just sound they think they sound fancy

saying yacht. I think so. I'm like you can remember how to say Mr. Robot but you can't remember below deck. I actually can't. Every time I try to torment that show I'm like is it MR or Mr. Nice fell it wrong. I'm planning all the wrong Mr. Robot. So by the way, I was watching Mr. Robot and Mr. Mercedes and I was looking at my cue and I was like, why does everything have Mr. Why? It's Mr. Potato coming out with a show soon. Oh my God. The Mr. Potato head show where you have to watch 12 episodes to ever find out who killed

his wife or whatever. You should really see if there's a behind the music on Mr. Mr. You like, is it spelled Mr. M-I-S-T-E-R and then Mr. or Mr. then M-I-S-T-E-R? Or my skin is dry, I could use a Mr. Or you could just check your PBS app to see if there are any old episodes of Mr. R. Mr. R.

So back up at the, the, the spear to pig at the table that's being roasted over a fire. The pilgrims. A spit. Yeah, a spit. The pilgrims are praying. And they're like, gosh, we're praying again. And primary pilgrims like, there's no shaman Jesus. Wow, this pig is better than sex. Hey, I want to take Matt home with me. He's bearer. Why is it that every time she prays, she's got some perverted comment to follow that last week was thank you, Jesus. Hey, Nico, you want to take off your pants? Well, because she knows she's going to say something perverted, so she's going to say something devout beforehand to sort of like balance it out a little

bit. Yeah. So she's out to balance it out. I am Shirley the pilgrim. She's like, hi, I won't captain Lee up here for dinner. And he asked where why because it's a white party. I'm like, your pilgrims. Isn't every party a white party? It's like really what she's like leave the bucket hat at home if you know what I'm saying. So Kate's talking to Kyle. She loves Kyle. They're sitting in her bed just like chatting to play Mariffa Kill with Bruno.

It's the play Mariffa. I feel Bruno, Matt and Nico. And this is one of the reasons that Kyle will never be in Kate's bad spot the entire way. Like she'll always kind of forgive him. Cause he's like, I brought you some Doritos. I brought you some Doritos. Doritos.

Thanks. Have a seat. Yeah, her way of saying, she's like, oh, thank you. Which is really like, oh my god, I love you so much. She's like, huh, thanks.

That's Kate winning a car on the prices, right? Ah, thanks. So Kyle is, so Marifah Kill, Kyle's like, huh, thanks. That's Kate winning a car on the prices, right? Ah, thanks. So Kyle is so Marifakil. Kyle's like, oh, he killed Bruno and Kate goes, me too, because he's better looking than me. She goes, oh. I never knew how the person who started it can be the bitch you went and Shaq Mary kill.

Usually it's the person answering, but Kate went up to him every time. He's like, I'm married Matt, because I'm winning all, you mean? It can be the bitch you want in Shaq Mary Kill. Usually it's the person answering the gate one up to him every time. He's like, I'm gonna remet because I'm winning all your men. She goes, there wouldn't even be an argument, okay? There would hardly even be any conversation, right? Because Annie can cook and she just,

wait, she doesn't say anything. Well, I mean, I guess if you want wedge salads with Italian dressing in the rest of your life. Colorado's on Bang Nika just to see what the fuss is about. I was like, is there a fuss? Just keep your feet away from my shard and A. Okay. So Baker is like talking to Brie and Baker's like, yeah, man, Nika seems so much less stressed than calm now. Whoa.

Yeah, she's like, has the mood right? Brand of rollercoaster. Man, it's almost like you guys had sex on Plymouth Rock. Yeah, man. She's like, we're gonna spend two days in St. Martin. We are going towards say Martin, right? We are not headed towards Massachusetts, right? By my estimations, we should be arriving at India in three days.

So Kate seems to be the only one who knows her about to land on a continent that's already inhabited by people they want to massacre because she's like, oh, let's decorate for the Glo party. Let's break these glow sticks and just pour the juice everywhere. It makes me so happy and it's poison. It's poison. I know. I was like, why are you putting that on a dinner table? Meanwhile, over in the kitchen, culinary breakthroughs are happening, left and right. Mac goes, I love a cucumber, and it's good for you.

And the caption's just looking out. I'm like, God damn it. And Jeff goes, yeah, so Jeff goes, this is really stressful. Like he's just in here watching me, but I'm gonna show him. I'm going to prove myself. And then he turns on the water. He goes, oh, that burn. Maybe next season they should get the chef from who's on top chef.

Was it last? I think it was two seasons ago when we went to the one the California one. Remember that one guy who was like, I love cooking with celery. Yes, remember he's like, I like the Mirapua but only with celery And remember we have to do you have to put the carrots and onions there We had as food remember he made he served poached chicken with ridiculous and we're like The most boring gay guy ever remember he's like yellow pants the yellow paleo pants, and I'm a homosexual. And we were like, oh, yay, good, yay, yay, homosexual.

And he's like, I got salary. You remember like, good day, sir. No room for salary in the new world. That's why we left England to have new exciting adventures with cucumbers in Massachusetts. We've come here to trick these new Americans into thinking that putting is a delicious velvety chocolate dessert. Like celery, celery pudding. No, okay, get out. You know, all this talk about Matt's mediocre cooking has me thinking that maybe his experience cooking on the Mayflower would be much better

if instead of trying to cook everything himself, he just relied on Hella Fresh. Oh my gosh, I'm sure Hella Fresh could get there, they can get anywhere, okay? Yeah, they can go back into the Mayflower. I'm sure things would have been way more peaceful had the Mayflower landed to a fresh box of Hella Fresh waiting for them. Think of how this country would have been better. I think we probably wouldn't have any of the issues we had if those pilgrims had a box of Hello Fresh. Well, solidly.

I'll tell you what, we have Hello Fresh now and looking around the country, I think things are going great. Well, for those of you who don't know what Hello Fresh is, Hello Fresh is a meal kit delivery service that shops, plans and delivers your favorite step-by-step recipes and pre-measured ingredients so you can just cook, eat and enjoy. Oh heck yeah, we get these boxes, everything's color-coded, so you know what menu each item goes with, they're pre-portion, it's super easy to do, and it is delicious. Even Jen can do it. Jen, I hope you realize that there's a lot of convenience

with Hello Fresh. Perhaps you should know that you can pause your count for weeks at a time when you're out of town or just taking a super long break on the yacht. I'll tell you what, I don't know how to fiddle, faddle, or ram with things in the kitchen, but it was me and Mary Ann's anniversary, so I got to make an effort, I got hello fresh before you knew I had a crusted pork chop.

Never had anything so delicious. I haven't been ridden like that since. Chanto met that guy who wrote him. I'll tell you what, little bird. You know what, sometimes I get hello fresh fresh because the simplicity is lots of want pot recipes for serious, spedy cooking and minimal cleanup in each week. There's a 20 minute meal on the classic menu for when you really don't have more time than that and just hopefully no stew will stick her fork in your hell of fresh pucks and

ruin the whole thing. Okay girl, bird. Ohhhhhhh! Alright, to go to hell of fresh, go to hellofresh. fresh calm slash crap ends and then use the promo code crap ends It's not that hard go to hello fresh calm slash crap ends and use the promo code crap ends for $30 off your first week of hello fresh Whoa man, I have to tell you I've actually used Hello Frash. Actually, running I both have used Hello Frash and it's awesome.

I was like, I was trying to do a full baker for any time. I was like, you know, on our copy. It's like, now is the time when you should talk about your personal experiences. Like, I probably shouldn't do that in Baker Voice. Yeah, did you not hear my pork chop story, sir? How many times I have to tell you guys about pork chops? How many times and in fact I made pork chops this weekend And I did not do it the Hello Fresh way and guess what they were dry. Okay. I'm going back to have my Hello Fresh pork chop way Yeah, you said hold on a second fresh and then it wasn't yeah, so now it's hello fresh. Yeah, exactly Thanks a lot of friends. Seriously. Yeah guys go do it. Go do fresh. Yeah, exactly. Thanks a lot, Fred. Seriously, yeah, guys, go do it.

Go do it. It's awesome. So it's dinner time on the Mayflower. And so Captain Lee, he puts on his best white and purple-flowered shirt. Like we didn't see this last week on the date with Marianne. Like did someone at least wash that for him, God dammit? And they're like, hey, look at you, primary pilgrim.

You look great. She's like, hey look at you, primary pilgrim, you look right. She's like, award this for Captain Lee. I cleaned the buckle on it. The captain's like, let's go shake a tail feather, alright? Get this parody started. Very Goddammit. I'm gonna drink the fuck out of my pocket. I'm gonna get the fuck out of my pocket. I'm gonna get the fuck out of my pocket. I'm gonna get the fuck out of my pocket. I'm gonna get the fuck out of my pocket. I'm gonna get the fuck out of my pocket. I'm gonna get the fuck out of my pocket. I'm gonna get the fuck out of my pocket.

I'm gonna get the fuck out of my pocket. I'm gonna get the fuck out of my pocket. I'm gonna get the fuck out of my pocket. I'm gonna get the fuck out of my pocket. I'm gonna get the fuck out of my pocket. I'm gonna get the fuck out of my pocket. little carried away but it comes with the territories. What are your thoughts on witches anyway? We should burn with the steak, right? I think God damn it. It'll be the driest meal you ever had with this. And it can poop in the kitchen. I don't know. I got the

feeling that some of these ladies here in Mopus and witches will see, will see. Oh my God, watching primary pilgrim turn into a nightmare. This is great. This episode just so good. I actually feel like there was a lot of stuff that didn't make it to the show because they weren't main cast members. And I'm resentful because the meltdown slash ramifications of this drunk a night for that friend group,

we only got a climmer of it, but shit went down and we don't really know what happened, but they were really- I know, because Kate described it. We'll get there once you describe what happened, but I was like, wait a minute. Kate's giving a preview for a blockbuster movie, and we're only seeing a very sweet part of it. It was an episode of Summer House happened and we just only got to see like three seconds of it And like clearly there was like a Carl Carl Carl in situation Carl Carl Carl Carl Carl Carl. Oh, I saw that you Posted on because one of the twins had a picture on the red carpet with Carl for something and I was about to go Carl

Like I was about to comment Carl and you commented classic March. Yeah Because it was actually an album. It wasn't it wasn't in a vacuum. It's because it was an album of photos and the next photo was Carl and a workers twin with classic March and March senior. Oh I thought you were just like wow I love your picture classic March because let's say classic March to everything, man. Like if I met a restaurant and they're like, did you like that food? I'm like, yes, classic March. No, what? Classic March.

Classic March. Classic March. No, there was actually a photo of classic March. Well, that killed my fun. Thanks, Arnie. Just. Raising kids can be one of the greatest rewards of a parent's life.

But come on, someday, parenting is unbearable. I love my kid, but is a new parenting podcast from Wondry that shares a refreshingly honest and insightful take on parenting. Hosted by myself, Megan Galey, Chris Garcia, and Kurt Brown-Oller, we will be your resident not so expert experts. Each week we'll share a parenting story that'll have you laughing, nodding, and thinking. Oh yeah, I have absolutely been there.

We'll talk about what went right and wrong. What would we do differently? And the next time you step on yet another stray Lego in the middle of the night, you'll feel less alone. So if you like to laugh with us as we talk about the hardest job in the world, listen to, I love my kid, but wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen ad free on the Amazon Music or Wondery app. So Jen is like, these stairs kicked my butt.

Oh my god, did I tell you to kind of flirt with me and like, people have vibes. I'm like. I'm picking up but he's droppin'. Okay? He's not just a basic bitch. You know what Jen is like? I hope this is not too divisive. I know we have this. That's a pilgrim of you. That's a pilgrim. I know we have listeners from across the political spectrum. So I'm not trying to disrespect anyone. But like, you know, some of those, some of that footage from the like the crazy crazy Trump rallies, and then you see like a perfectly lovely looking blonde girl, and then she's like, die, juice, die, or something like that, you know? I feel like that's what Jen is probably. I'm not saying she's anti-Semitic, but I feel like she's one of those people that you're like, whoa my god She has crazy like crazy crazy like right wing hatred in her, you know

Jenna's that girl she's every character on lifetime. It's like oh You want to hang out be my friend and then they turn out to be like murderers and try and take over your entire life by the end I don't change everything but my curling iron. What do you think of that? I feel like she's like secretly a loyalist to King George and I'm like, why are you here with the pilgrims? I need to put my curling iron. What do you think of that? Easy. I feel like she's like secretly a loyalist to King George. And I'm like, why are you here with the pilgrims? So, so max. Because I don't know how to put in the car. So she's like,

I came on the bill because I was looking for pills. And then now all of a sudden, I'm like a pilgrim. So she goes, Yeah, I'm picking up like he's dropping. He's not a basic bitch. Baker goes, just get on that dude girl. Fuck y'all. Man. She starts like grind dancing by herself. Please make Baker a star on every season of the show. Please never get rid of Baker. So upstairs Matt is cooking scallops. Anytime anyone cooks scallops on Bravo, I crack up because I think of Jamie on top chef.

It's called top chef, not top scallop. Scallops are not a good sign. It's like when you're, you know, you renew your vows on Bravo scallops, not a good sign. I know, I love, love, love a scallop. I really do, but he served like a salad with scallops on top and like a lemon dress, lemon dressing. It looked very nice. It looked tasty. It looked delicious. It looked

like a perfectly good meal. But to get back to the ongoing criticism of Matt, it was not like elevated dining. It wasn't even like, you know, I know he likes to cook simple, rustic food, but like I think people want to give me the simple, rustic food, but like elevate it. And this was just like, um, going to like, he put it on a pile of icebergs. He literally elevated. He's like, I mean, it's in the name. It's an iceberg. It automatically has height.

But like, you know, it's like, wait a second, honey, this ain't the Titanic. It's the mice flower. It's like, damn it. I fucked up again. It's just like the sort of salad you get at like your like neighborhood bar and grill, you know, which doesn't mean it's like not delicious. It just was like Matt, it also doesn't mean it's good. You know, and then you've always got that one person scallops are controversial okay. Not everybody's gonna like them. There's that one girl is like I don't like scallops

These are gummy can someone else taste them and another and goes yeah, but you don't like fish It's just yeah, I don't like fish. Well, maybe you should have said that. I mean you're going on a luxury yacht a luxury a luxury schooner, okay across the Atlantic and across the Atlantic. And Brian Pell Grim's like, well, it's all about the dressing. Does not address her scallop issue. Yeah, primary pilgrim. And then one pilgrim is like,

we've had more salad in the last few days and I've had in the last month. I'm like, that's bad. If a lady ever says that to you, that's really bad news, because ladies inherently eat way more salad than men. So the lady is talking about having too much salad, then you know you've got a real problem.

I just like that every Southern person they show is like salad. Oh, more salad because girl, I am Southern and I think the same way. I would rather just not poop for 10 weeks in need of vegetable. I don't even care. I figure those bagels will figure their own way out of me. So then Matt served some mahi with some disparate rice, which I thought that actually looked very good. I thought that was like, that was a better example.

I was happy that it looks more elevated, but he just can't win because one that he was like, this smells fishy. No, I won't eat that. It's fishy. It's fish. Well, you still don't like fish. Yeah, that's true. I still don't like fish.

And we can tell they're not from LA because kids like well Would you like some fettuccine instead? Kids like would you like something made out of white flour with fatty fat fat on it? Okay Would you like me to fry that for you? Okay, I'll be right back. She likes some deep fried hard tack. Okay Would you just like me to bring you some boiled down Chris go that you drink out of a straw and finish with the French fry. Okay, I'll be right back. We have some reduced ocean water. You can have that.

Whose hands are a teaspoon of salt. By the way, I did have pasta on Friday night and it was delicious. Like my friends came over and they were like, do you guys want to order pasta? And I was like, yes, yes, and I had it. It was so good. So what did Kate say? She had a line and I only wrote down one part of it because so much was going on. But she's like, you know, some people come on and they want something super fancy and blah, blah,

blah, blah, blah, he's just not all that. I don't know. Yeah, I don't remember what it was. She said, sorry, I didn't write down the whole line. So then, so now the ladies go up to a disco party upstairs on the Mayflower, disco, disco Mayflower. And the primary pilgrim, Shelley is like, I feel like I'm at Studio 51.

And like the Studio 54. I was like, I love that she got Studio 54 in Area 51 confused. This is essentially with all that crazy alien badge flinging she was doing at the Capitol. Yeah, this really is Area 51. Hide it behind the fence and tell everyone to Mexico's closed. Yeah, I mean, I do feel like the area 51 comp is is appropriate.

Given that like no one should know about this dance party right now. No one. And then from the sea or from the heavens, God damn it. I'll never know. Just get it off my boat. Does it one point she got the karaoke match? She's like, this is for you big boy. And she puts her leg up on the table. And she's just like flashing her vaj in. And he's got his fingers on his temple just looking at her like, oh my god. God damn it, God bless. I hope she's into winning at this point. She's like, hey, good looking. What's he got cooking? Like, seriously, I'm very hungry still. So it's like, don't ask. I love the montage of Shelley getting drunk

or drunk or she's like, I'm gonna sing. Captain Lee, I love you. And I don't judge because I'm a Christian. I walk around with a vagina on my head. If you can't speak your mind, you're not an American. Oh, she just started going crazy. She's like, Ms. Barkley keeps falling out of my boobs. I've always been overdeveloped in the undertapped, I captain. And then she goes, now look at all these protests because you know she did start going into the Trump land. Because she goes, I'm not all these protests, because you know she did start going into the Trump land,

because I'm not gonna go out there and walk around with some vagina on my head. Oh, that's why she said that. Yeah, she's like, he can't speak your mind. You're not American, all right. The captain is very intelligent. The ladies are all one by one, like I'm getting the fuck out of the scene.

I love it, by the way, I love the juxtaposition of her being like, oh, walk around with a vagina on your head, referring to like, I guess I'm getting the fuck out of the scene. I love, by the way, I love the juxtaposition of her being like, oh, welcome around with a vagina on your head referring to like, I guess I'm assuming the pussy hats and then be like, hey, you can't speak your mind or not American, I'm like, you just shamed someone for like basically speaking their mind. With their pussy on their head,

how you want my pussy on your head, Captain? He's like, no, I got it, I have the news, I saw it. And another thing about the Anglican Church, okay? Right, wasn't that one the pilgrims hated? Don't they hate the Anglican Church? Is that what they were doing? Or don't even get me into the church for us? No, but they're not.

No pilgrims, they, cause they're like Protestant, right? They're Puritans and they hate the Anglican Church, right? Isn't that something? I don't remember my American history. I'm so sorry. I've been to the Mass of the Church for us. My papa was in a church where new Bronfels is like, well, we don't like the way they're doing things.

And then it broke up the church. It was like, where to go, Rebel? Where to go, you broke up your church. Congratulations. See, the thing is this, after you're like, over, I would say 10 years old, you stop learning about the Thanksgiving store. So it's been like a long time since I've refreshed myself on everything.

Well, God, when you're an adult, you learn the truth of it. It's horrifying, you know? Can't we just pretend we were really nice and we brought Turkey to Indians? Like, why do we have to make it this violent, awful story? Whoever rewrote history to make us the good guys cutting out like cute little turkey hats out of construction paper. Thank you. Because you make the holiday enjoyable.

Yeah. See, all I really remember is Chief Massasuit because I played Chief Massasuit in my first grade production of Thanksgiving story. So, yeah, that was probably the first and last time I ever had a significant role in the world of theater. But I had a little headdress and I welcomed my pastor at a peace bike. And I was also a white boy playing Native American. So really, yeah, seeing.

We brought them turkey hats. They brought us weed. But also to those of you who don't know much about history and you don't know the old version or the new version Let's just put it in a bravo housewise way for you to understand we didn't steal America. We branded it, okay? Well, the thing was it's not that we not that the pilgrims hated King George. They just didn't feel like King George had their back they just didn't feel like King George had their back. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha peeping rumors to my followers and the plug-ins were like, you know what, I can't be friends with you anymore. And the four Indians were like, why didn't you just bring me a casserole?

That's not like why they'd, that's not like why they'd, so I speared your babies. That's why it was a casserole, really. I have never found a friend as good as Chief Mesa Suit. Chief Mesa Suit has been there for me from the beginning. Have I mentioned that I'm playing at the Mohican Sun girls? It's getting, it's like I call back to our for me from the beginning. Have I mentioned that I'm playing at the Mohican Sun girls? It's getting, it's like a call back to our first recap of the week.

That's for you every episode listener. So, so speaking of things getting destroyed to make way for new better things. Let's talk about mileage and flow. Okay. Wait, before we do that, before we got off track here with this Shelley situation, but like the Shelley situation spiraled out of control. You started to see that and I was like, no, I want to make Thanksgiving jokes, but it really spiraled out of control. And she's just getting drunker and drunker and drunker and she's saying things to Captain Lee, like, I think you're very intelligent. And I love who you are as a person. I must be, I must be talking.

Cause you're li- And then she just gets crazy. And then her friends, this is, you started to say this, but her friends are like, okay, Shelley, like maybe it's time to go to sleep. And she's like, I'm the primer. You don't fuck with the primary stupid I also. There's a fine line between fun and sloppy and that she does

the splits and falls down on the ground and down in the galley that's just like I'm tired. So the she's they're trying to get her I thought they were putting her to bed which they weren't. Four things were trying to get her ready for the pajama party. I mean these girls are just so mortified They're like dragging this woman around. He's like But I'm gonna speak my mind to Jesus. One me to sit on your face. I love your cat and hat I thought this one. I thought these were my friends the betrayal the betrayal

Yeah, she was definitely going for a real house festival on this and on this. And they're like, That late love you, honey. We're not trying to hurt you. We'd love you. To death. To death, okay. So then Kate, she's like in her like, in her little pajama party robe. She like walks up to Shelley's like crying in the arms of Brianna.

And Kate like walks up like, oh, is everything okay? We ready for the pajama party. And then she was like, it doesn't matter because I'm the prom or an auto care. They were buying it me Kate. They're mad at me because of Captain. And they're jealous because they thought he lacked me.

And I don't care. I'm the prom or an cake ghost. That's, that's that's unforgettable it's like yes I'm sure they will regret it in the morning it's like that is slapping messy messy sloppy sloppy sloppy it's like all the stages of fun oh this drink is lovely oh just this half scallops in it oh this is fun oh my god best time of my life. I hate you. I die. Yeah. Yeah. Pretty much. So maybe I need to choose some new friends, friends who get me, friends who

understand that it's a job of part of time. Hi, you don't like fish. So I have to get a job. Yes. Kyle and Kyle. Yeah Because it's hilarious. Kyle is always like, who are they, Bob? He's probably naked under the covers. And he's like, are they a gene? Oi, come over here. Wait, boy, look. And she's like, it was one of those days. Kay was mean to me in the magically tolerable.

And then Bruno passes behind them. Whoa. And she's like, he gets me. I have a thing for his accent, but I can't understand how the shit that comes out of his mouth. And he's like, well, that's just concerned. He's like, he's like, it's disconcerning.

Who's he goes? It's like a piece of poop that's not resolved. He's like, what I said. All right, see you tomorrow, bed. Yeah, bed. So they seem to be, you know, on the path for romance, which is exciting. And then the next morning, Jen is on early duty. And it's 8 a.m. Kyle goes out onto the deck and to the ladies are awake and like, hey, could we get some coffee? Please, that be so wonderful. We got coffee and I was like, uh, the birds not awake yet.

Squares it. What we're going to do now? Hey, at the Mayflower's falling port now. So he goes downstairs. He's like, okay, the girls want some cool fee and stuff. So she's like, oh my god, I messed up. My life didn't go off. Oh my God, don't tell anyone. It's like every excuse ever. She's like, traffic. My life didn't go off. My dog ate my phone. My daughter. Oh, man, keep me there. Doing construction on the 405. Like, Jen, you're in bed. So she goes to like get the get that already and then Captain Lee calls Kate up to the gallean to get she's like, so why do you when you get that's undenough from last night? she goes hmm. I thought scallops are not for everyone and I thought there was no starch with the main which was strange

That's her way of saying The starter was shitty and the entree was unimpressive But I did like the main, it was okay. And he goes, well, it's better than usual, but I can't get the smell out of primary pilgrim out of my goddamn mind. I need a second opinion. So, well, I'll tell you this much.

He put in more effort. You know, had these guests had more discerning tastes or less wine, they might not have been so grateful. Well, a way to save thanks then, wine and no discernment. Shelly meanwhile, she's like, no way I'm so sorry but as Kate leaves she goes, okay, well there's just two more dinners, one more arrival and zero more chances for a new deck hand. And he's like, get out of here, you nuts.

I'm gonna get back to opening up this Captain Crunch box. God damn it. So there's more Kyle and Jen flirting. And then Shelley, I sort of thought at this point, she'll always gonna wake up and be like, oh man, I was crazy, I was out of my mind last night. But no, she wakes up and she comes to the breakfast table and she's like,

these girls aren't even my friends. Meanwhile, inside the kitchen, Kate's like, these girls aren't even my friends. Meanwhile, inside the kitchen, Kate's like, oh, jeez, Jen, big time drama, crying, screaming, vagina on heads. She's like, oh, I missed it. She's like, you know, I've trained plenty of steos, but with Jenna's different, she's an old dog. She's not in the learning stage of her life anymore. I mean, she hasn't changed her hair in 10 years, obviously. So rude. And then I like to also at the breakfast table, one of the ladies is like, hey, Shelley Pilgrim, do you know where Meredith and Suzie are? She goes, if they were smart,

they would have gotten off last night. was like what I'm every murder than Susie. I know she's the only one that lasts Because those were probably the ones that were like helping her to room and making her put off the jamas and telling her not to be such a drunk Out or maybe there were the ones who went up to the hot tub and we're like oh my god She's like out of control at this point. I'm not even gonna do the pajama party And she doesn't talk to anybody. And I like that they show the ladies, they're like, I do not need that drama in my life. Okay, Mary, Jay. And she's like, yes, I don't even know if I need to see

those Indians, you know, I mean, shit, I'll just root for the sports team. Lord knows which will be like within. Or you know, she'll have Pocahontas wrapped up, burnt over a fire, the steeler goddamn husband. I know, I love those, the two of men's like, Joanne and Trish on the side just muttering, being like, Mrs. Tension, you could cut this tension with a knife right now. I was like, what happened?

You're the cat through a frozen turkey, this bitch. Oh my God, I just love older ladies having a full on like, you know, petty fight on this boat. I don't know why we are not getting more of this. Yeah, they were so, so done with her. Yeah, so we get a little step with Nico and Brianna, who I guess thinks that they're really an item, which is hilarious because he broke up

with his girlfriend on text. Yeah. But he's like shaving and she goes, oh, it's almost over. It went by so quick. And he's like, well, you know, this has been a, Brianna's been a good escape,

but X-Gate had to write. But it's time to assess the situation. And he goes, we're going back to the real world. And she goes, um, this is the real world. Oh, great. Oh, great. No, it's not. Oh, great.

No, no, no. So now it's time to dock. And suddenly he's like, like, that's spring lane. Like it, tighten that Bruno, tighten it, like it, like, oh god, dude. Well done, everybody. Well done. Carol's like, you won't mean yo. So nobody got, nobody could understand what he was saying.

Springtime. So now it's time for all the ladies to leave. And I cracked up because as Shelley was leaving, you know, they always give like a little speech like everything was perfect. It was wonderful You didn't even try to push a liberal agenda. Thank you for doing that anyway. It was Matt your salad dressings off the chart of the chart dressings I mean and Matt's like, uh-huh see I did right. I did it well Ah another win for me. I'm like, she's munching your salad dressing, that's like the best that she could pull out.

She's like, as the primary pilgrim who's the first to land here in Indian land, I would now name to like this name. I would now like to name this country, Thousand Island. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Thanks to you, Mayet. You know, Matt, I came onto this boat saying,

I'm only ever going to a spa for wishbone. But now, I know I can make a slightly better salad dressing. Thank you, Matt. Thank you. Matt, your dressings tasted just as good as the time before gay marriage was legal. Thank you for that, Mayet.

They listened. Matt, thank you for that, man. He listens. Matt, thank you for making me feel like a green goddess myself. Matt, I don't know if you are to blame for the blue cheese I'm leaving this boat with, but whoever it was, thanks for the non-memory. Matt, all I have to say is I have never felt like royalty until you served up that wonderful Caesar dressin. Hey, Matt, I really love your balls, some giblets. Matt, thank you for honoring the heritage of my cousin, Maria, with that Italian dress. And now let's get on to

thousand island and get stuff. Hey, girls, it's like helicopters landing to pick them up and take them the hell away from this one. Yeah, they're like, girls, girls, Yeah, they're like girls, girls. See, they're like, we're going back to Spain. So the time for the tip meeting and everyone's like, oh, I think this is it. We're finally getting our $2500 tip. It's like, want, want, want, it's only $15,000. Blue, blue, or 15,000.

The tips was the total 15,000 and then the tip is 15,000. Blue, blue, or 15 hundred tips. Was the total 15,000 and then the tip is 1500. I don't know. It was 15 grand and Bruno was like, oh, thier. Captain was like, well, oh no, it was, yeah. That was a couple of years ago. If you have one mediocre player on a team, you have a mediocre team. And then the editors just cut to Matt. Be like, hmm. The only one that got a compliment. you have a mediocre team and then the the editors just cut to Matt be like hmm

The only one that got a compliment. I mean come on. I know that they don't think Matt's the greatest, but she loved Matt Matt's like well in honor of this great compliment. I got I'm gonna make a tuna salad for each one of you guys and maybe I'll put in some celery Call that to chat with. For a ton of stuff, man. I will give you some squeeze mayonnaise that you can keep in your room until you're ready to use it. Rar. I'm gonna change things up

instead of making tuna salad with some mayonnaise. I'm gonna use some digenase. Yeah, you're welcome. God dammit, this is spicy. What the hell is this? Now, the captain is calling them mediocre sir You would have gotten at least another five grand if you would just lie down that couch and let that woman just sit on your face That's all she wanted from this whole trip if anyone didn't give it up. It was you. Yeah

So now a couple things like well They tell me that there's not enough drama this season. So everyone just hash it out. You just yell at each other I'll be upstairs. So I'm locking the door. The one who figures out the code to get it out. They're the ones that win. All right, half on leaving you some knives and some baseball bats.

See ya. So Kate's like, well, I mean, the deck, the deck hands, they've sort of got their shit together. And we actually haven't had any complaints about service. So I think it's really just Matt's fault at this point. The captain's like alright you guys finish yet. I'm hoping we can finish this right but hope is a character on Marianne's daytime stories who's died horribly so many times that you just expected now alright. Okay well we'll get back to our meeting then. Marianne still said that NBC canceled hope and faith so many years ago. She just she she just loved that that quirky from Murphy Brown had a second act.

Poor court. She never could get her second act going. But I was her name, right? Corke. Her car. Yeah. What was her real name again? I forgot.

You see, poor thing. Park. What was her real name again? Um, I forgot, you see, fourth thing, park overall. No, that's right, because you're no park overall, Korki, just kidding. What if Korki is listening to this in her car and she's like, why are people still being mean to me? I mean, even on this podcast, I listen to she's like a two crap ins a two, Matt's like like someone that's for Caesar dressing. He's like, done! My wheelhouse. So, Faith Ford. Faith Ford. Yes. Gosh, what an American car.

So, yay, thanks. That's why we own American Albums. That's right, Indians. Hope and Faith was Faith Ford and... I wasn't even Faith Ford and Kelly Ripon. That's what I thought. Kelly Ripon was Faith Ford and I wasn't even Faith Ford and Kelly Rippen. That's what I thought Kelly Rippen Faith Ford. Hope and Faith neither of those things that show gave any money. So they're still having their meeting down the thing and Kyle who's been here for five minutes is like is what we need on the chart.

Shit, no, no, stop there. So when they woke up they got nothing. They got nothing. Do you get, do what, stop, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, to me, you just got here. Yeah, Doritos do not buy you a pass to be a terrible friend. Okay? So, Jen's like, uh, guess what, Matt? I think you did a great job. Oh, thanks, Jen. The fucking bar holder.

Yeah, exactly. The culinary, uh, math, the culinary palette of, I don't care. I'm not even gonna finish the end of this. I ain't one of your cupcakes. They were delicious. Those were quiche. Yeah, that. So, bring on as like, hey, Matt, my suggestion to you is take as much risk as possible. Shut up. Yeah, that's

he's like, I've got something up my sleeve. It rhymes with leaf, perky. He's like, I actually, it's like, you know those, he's like, I have one of those salad dressing samples, it's up my sleeve right now. It's gonna be a creamy Italian, not just your standard Italian. He's like, I have to prove myself to know when

an entire country is now named after more than my inventions, okay? Thanks. I'd be like, Mamanos, Mamanos, Mamanos's sweet. Good talk. Good talk. Good talk. So what are you doing here? She's like, I'm thankful for this boat. So Kate's like so a little bit later, Jen is ironing and Kate's like, um, so Jen, could you tell me about what went wrong on a breakfast and she's like well

There's crazy thing. It's like um, there was like there's the dishes maturity. So I had to clean the dishes And then a bat flew in and I was like oh my god There's a bat in the galley and I didn't know what to do and I was like I don't want to get babies I have a daughter and kids like mmm. No, I could tell she was lying Didn't you get the amber alert? I think she's lying because when she's lying she makes up lies about her daughter being kidnapped by terrorists So Jen subtle lies Like then the dog came in and ate my homework and that was trying to shove cupcake sell my throughout She's like, mm-hmm. No, no So the genie and gen goes, wait, gen goes.

Wait a second, why am I ironing Chris's shirt? And I was like Chris, I was like, oh, that's Chris Brown. And she was ironing Chris Brown's shirt. Why am I doing this? I'm surprised he didn't take it. I wonder what happened to that guy. He's like, back, I had some going to be sitting down and I'm getting some pussy, see ya.

And then he just like boats off into nowhere. It's like, where did you go? So now Nico, Nico Tex molissa, his ex girlfriend, we broke up with over text. He goes, the text goes, how are you? Haven't talked to you in a while. I was like, Oh, Nico, now we always have to preface this. We met Nico.. No, we don't got a preface this week. No, I'm not saying it. I'm prefacing it. I'm saying Niko, we know you are a sweet lovely dude. That is a shit text. You cannot send that text. That is the doucheous text.

You broke up with her and then like over text when she was there for you, etc. You wanted to get some of that buri-ass. You broke up with her, which I actually respected you broke up before you went much further with buri, and then you sent a text and you're like, hey, we haven't talked in a while. Nico, it's because he broke up with her. Don't act like, oh, it's weird. It's weird.

He's doing it a week before he goes home because he knows that that's his home pussy. It's like, oh my God, you're a don't you think? Don't do that, Nico. Don't do that. No, keep doing it. Because you know's gonna be like I think of you like Oh, I just needed to give him space. I knew it. I'm gonna say I have some self-respect Melissa. Yeah, I'm like I'm just saying Nico. We like you and we want you to do better

That's not doing better. I thought it was funny. It was like yeah, you go of course stay consistent So the captain is like all right now. Let's go over this preference sheet, right guys and the chef Why does the chef say how was pal pal? Oh Wow, wow the captain's like ah, so how was the pow wow? How was it like productive? We taught the Indians how to say mama? Mama, so Jim will stop trying to FaceTime them. We got a piece pipe and Jen tried to throw it in the washing machine. So have you ever seen a hat made out of feathers? I have now. So I would like to thank

Pau Pau's. Pau Pau's from the Pau Wow. Thank you. So the got the last charter guest is going to be a nightmare. He was on a previous season. He was the one who was like, okay, this is your tip. And every time something goes wrong, you're losing this much and this much and this much. He was, or something like that. He was the one who was like, do you guys have sea cucumber? We really love sea cucumber.

So this guy, he's bringing his top three employees and he wants a big extravagant meal. And the chef goes, can we please him? Like, what will it take? Should I get some peanut butter? Tell me the truth. And she's like, wow, he's difficult. But if you've given what he asked for, he's happy.

Like, out of the centa, if you happen to have that on hand, or the eye boogers out of a sea turtle. That would be helpful. That's that for breakfast. Or just something more elevated than a scallop. That's all he wants. So I don't want to scare him. That's basically, he's not going to know that either way. So, just let him curl up with that nice little blanket we made him.

So the cat in the chef alone, she's like, hey, I've got a great idea. Would you like to get out of uniform and just get away? You know, the crews of Noxious, almost as Noxious as your plain, plain white people food. We can go sit in the barn, plan things together. And the second plane is spelled PLA and E because it's like the food you get on a plane. And we're on a yacht. Okay, so we need to go up from like a beach troganoff, okay, to something on a yacht you would like. Okay. Mm-hmm. She's like, I

would, I really appreciate that songy route, but people really will crave more than amber waves of grain. Okay. I know it's Thanksgiving, you know, but it's not time to have food for Sarah Plain and Tall, okay? And yes, I understand she was a pioneer woman and not a pilgrim, but it's all the same. But they're before 2000. It's Melissa. She's all upset at home. Like I can't believe she just called me Sarah Plain and Tall. Wait, I don't remember the reference, which Melissa Gorgher, no. Because girlfriend.

Oh, I was like, wait a second. What is which Melissa Gorga? No. He goes girlfriend. Oh. I was like, wait a second. What is the Melissa Gorga reference? Because we've made a few Sarah Plain and Tall references over the years. I feel like everything Len Close has played. We've made references to you over the past few years. What's your damage, Es? So what I'm thinking about is like maybe a boiled bunny.

So Jen's like, I feel at frisky tonight, I'm having a great hair day, I'm ready to get fucked. So, Carlos wearing a t-shirt in the captain's house. Yeah, I think you're over dressed Kyle. Shake this head. I mean, look, I came with that white shirt with purple flowers, even though I smelled like last week, no one gave a crap, make an effort.

So the crew goes to the bar, it goes, well, all the Kaden Matt are at some place, like hammering out the menu. The rest of the crew is gonna go out to a bar and Bree's like, so, what is everyone getting into after this season? I mean, obviously I know at Nico and I are getting into a long-term relationship.

I mean, it's pretty obvious at this point. And then she gets the top chef. Flinging. Nico just looks down awkwardly. Like, oh my God. I love. I mean, it's pretty obvious at this point. And then she gets the top chef fling. Yeah, because this looks down awkwardly. Like, oh my God. I love that. She just looked at my phone. Swing.

Did you mean to embarrass yourself in front of your dish bag temp boyfriend? In front of everybody on the staff. Bruno, Bruno, who goes, oh, I know what I want to do. I want to get visa and then go to Los Angeles and become famous. I'm like, hmm, well, I haven't seen you around Los Angeles. So I guess I didn't work out. I guess I didn't.

Something got lost in translation there. Maybe it turns out you can't get a visa just from like putting your dick on Instagram. I don't know. Maybe I have to do more. You'd like to be like, what are your plans to do in America? I tired. He's like, I get visa. I'm sponsored post. They're like, no, it's not the same thing. Thanks for your dick to get spanned all over Instagram.

It's not the same thing as being sponsored, okay? Oh, I tired. I tired. I thought I get visa because I have green card. No, that's green card that that you're working with that's different I fucked the fat guy. They're like no the movie green card, okay? I'll I really need is you Ben. I saw Green Card in the theaters, okay. I did too. I was like, run Andy McDowell. Either run the hell away or let Jepard do,

just to suffocate you. I like that you mash up his first and last name. Jepard do. Jepard do. I once saw Jepard do a movie on an airplane. It was called Bogus and it was like, Haley Joel Osment, whose mom is Nancy Travis and she works in the circus and she dies in a car accident. So Haley Joel Ozzman, he

recedes into a fantasy world where he has an imaginary clown friend played by Gerard de Paradee. And while this is happening, he then winds up under the stewardship of Wuppie Goldberg, who's like a sassy social worker. Let's take care of the circus kid, who's like talking to movies. What the fuck? It was so terrible and fucked up and bizarre. I was like, how did this all get brought into it?

And I'll say the only scene I really remember well is Nancy Travis getting into the car accident Because she was like in an intersection and then like the camera zooms in on her like the Mack truck is about to hit her And when she sounds like the luckiest person in that movie Well at one point will be Goldberg like enters the fantasy realm and like climbs some ladder to be with bogus The bogus is the name of Gerard Deppard who's character and I'm like Is there supposed to be romantic tension between what be Goldberg and Gerard Deppard do right character. I'm like, is there supposed to be romantic tension between Mope Goldberg and Gerard Deppardu right now?

I don't know what's happening. This is crazy. I can't watch this anymore, but I watch the whole thing. And is anybody supposed to believe that anyone creatively visualizes Gerard Deppardu into their life? No, no one does. OK.

Maybe Catherine Heigel. So then they're eating and then like, the food is served and the fries come in one of those cute little fry basket things, those metal metallic ones and pretty good, I was like, whoa, I never see fry basket like that before. You like, wow, Jen's like, it's like a deep fry. I'm pretty good, I was like, it's real funny. Whoa, because like, wow, this was a super interesting having dinner with you guys. Brianna, you want to go for it? She's like, sure. Well, last time, I mean, the first time for the rest of our lives. So over at the employee meeting with Kate and the chef, she's

like, okay, sushi, fresh fish, wasabi ginger, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. She's basically named him 30 on trace that he has to make between now and four days from now. Yeah, he's like, well, I got this great stofers mac and cheese that I can totally defrost. It's almost as good as the real issue. Or we could do a beef tartar. He's like, sometimes if you put potatoes in the toaster oven for just long enough, it works. They taste like potatoes. She's like, mm-hmm.

Now, okay, now about instead of like a twice cooked baked potato, we do a thrice cook baked potato. Yeah, why don't we just stay away from baked potatoes and in general, like maybe can do those those potatoes that look like porcupines, that'd be nice. What are those? Like maybe maybe can do those like those those those those those chairs that look like porcupines that'd be nice. Then back at the other table, the Kyle's like, oh, I'm going to go to my food. Like everyone starts getting their food and Jen pets her fork and she's like, is that a Jewel? And like

tastes his sauce? And he's like, I'll go to meet that. I'm gonna need it. I can't eat that. That's the fucking disgusting. He goes, I'm into table manners. And this chick with a bedling manicure and comes right in this bed with a cloth. I'm writing the magic. Put her finger, put her fork right in my gravy. What the fuck are you doing?

And I was like, oh I forgot about the side of our Kyle. I was like, I didn't this happen with Sierra and then of course they show like Sierra burps at a table and she's like, you fucking ugly disgusting, you stupid bitch, ugly bitch, the bitch, the bitch, the bitch, and eating with her mouth open to close, she's fucking mad. She's like, what? A-ba-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a- So if you can't deal with her fork and your gravy then stop talking about putting your tongue in her throat Like get over a child honestly get her about to lick her giblets, okay? Like Jen is pretty awful, but you have to get over this. This is like I would I wouldn't I get crazy He goes crazy

Just cuz you're a shit stupid. It's don't mean I wouldn't bang her Also when you're back the conscious decision Don't mean I wouldn't bang her also when you're back the conscious decision to fuck with my feed you don't Like Kyle it's called ask for some more you okay like your steak is still Totally untouched just get more you of course of course Jan is like of course I'm the bad guy I was a fool to think I was gonna have a good night. I'm big girls like I was gonna have a good night. I'm bigger, it's like. Baker tells Guy I was just like, Hey, do you want to favor?

Y'all man, bro, don't say anything. You should go crazy. Guy I was like, I'm gonna say something. So maybe I'll Kate and Matt are finishing up and kids, I, oh, well this is the most productive meeting we've had all season. I guess we should've done this all along. See, it turns out if you plan, you can make good food

instead of trying to come up with it on the spot. Also, again, I plan Parmesan does not go out to Kilo. Just, I can't reiterate that enough. Have we learned that, Great. Did you know that the plug by the juicer works? Okay, well, at least we're that far. Okay, you're a keeper. And you got to hand it to Matt, because he really does take every ounce of abuse with a smile. He's like, great.

Well, he's a dirty neighbor. Yeah. Great helping. Thanks for my help. So the crews are gonna get drunk. They Kyle buys everyone tequila shots and he's like, all right, let's do it. One potato, two potato, three potato drink

and then he's like, wait, wait, wait. I need my salt. He's like, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, bed. She's like licking the salt off the margarita maker. Yeah. It's like, no, I can't eat more. I can't get. So they never really drunk.

They've got the tequila in them. And Jen just is going to get fucked up, right? And then out of nowhere Baker goes hey now we're working for mine or not hot So now this time everyone just has to go back to y'all and John's like I like a bathroom and big because like no come on Let's go do it on the y'all she's like Jen Jen and full victim, drunk victim mode. It's like, so I just have to hurt and get a UTI. You don't even care. It's real, all games. Like, come on, boo boo, come on.

Come on. And she goes, I'm gonna go this way. None of you care. And she goes, holler, check you later, you're a lady. It's true. And tankers, whatever, ho. Yeah, because you're fucking lady. I'm thinking whatever. Oh, I'll just you fucking moral. So me, so then I guess that's another turnoff word for Kyle.

Like something off his plate or say the word whore and you're done. Yeah, exactly. So now, Jen, of course, after talking about how she has the piece of ballet, she goes on to the yacht and the very first thing she does is she interrupts Nico pretty much cuddling with with Bri and she's like bigger is like when it was the UTI and I'm just like slamming into decadent vans and the they sub the captions are totally like Joe Flueger Flagga and she's slurring so much and bigger is like you're not worried about it, I'm gonna hop to the dazs. And Kyle's like, no, dinner oath. And then she won't, so he runs to Jan.

And he's like, oh, where you get, oh, where you get off-goom, someone, oh. How many of you attack? You didn't go to the open. And bring us like, Jan, you are fucking child. She's like, yeah, you're fucking you. He stands in between them. And she's like trying to go after Kyle.

And Kyle's trying to go after her, because you know, glassy. But Jen's the one who's really to range at this moment, because she's spouting things like, like, Baker, come in, name, and I call your name. I just wanna go to bed. So, Bruner goes, you speak low. You don't talk, you talk, don't scream, okay? You speak low. And she's like low you don't talk you talk don't scream okay you speak low and she's like

I don't need a sitter and She's Bruno's like no be quiet before I get tired and she's a back down and Bruno goes Jan I'm gonna lock you in bathroom if you still screaming at me and she's like fuck you if you're still screaming at me and she's like, fuck you. You will not lock me in the bathroom. You can't let me see things every day like the last word hard and makes it this total victim thing. You call me a horker because I have a daughter.

Like what? Did you call my daughter a hork? No. You will not lock me in the bathroom. And Shona Bruno is like, this is actually one thing I can do and he like grabs her to lock me in the bathroom and sure enough Bruno is like this is actually one thing I can do And he like rabs are to put her in the bathroom and it's like to be continued. I was like ooh She's a mess. She's a disaster and you know what I am thankful for her Yes me too. What a fun episode you guysed this strong is why we ended up winning this country

That's right everyone have a wonderful Thanksgiving. We are thankful for you We are thankful for everyone who was coming to our Houston show and thankful for the people who planned to buy tickets Which I hope is all of you You guys enjoy that food don't have any shame over it. Loosen that belt, lie down on that couch, like Juliet Angus would in her British Thanksgiving. And we will talk to you on Monday. See you later seconds. You got bass points?

Hey, prime members. You can listen to Watchercraftppens Add Free on Amazon Music, download the Amazon Music app today. Or, you can listen Add Free with Wondry Plus in Apple Podcasts before you go tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at Wondry.com slash survey.