Watch What Crappens - BelowDeck: Tender Greens

Episode Date: September 8, 2017

Below Deck returns for a fifth season. Kate, Captain Lee and Niko are all back, and this time they’re accompanied by the dumbest crew yet. YAY! **This week’s premium bonus is a drunken four AM aftershow breakdown of Crappens Live. For bonus episodes and extras, become a premium subscriber at http://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Get ready for a double load of Queen of Hearts! It's me, jujubee, and I return to guide sexy singles through some ronchy blind dates. Cameras off! Voice only! Launching during Pride! Queen of Hearts takes Miami by storm, with Daeders' Cuppe from Tampa Bayes, Just Chaz, and Brittany Brave to name a few. Follow Queen of Hearts on Amazon Music or wherever you get your podcasts. For all of our bonus episodes and premium content, become a member over at patreon.com slash watch what crap ends

That's patreon.com slash watch what crap ends You can also find this on social media on Twitter. We're at what crap ends on Instagram and Facebook at watch what crap ends We'll see you there I've got a cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker cracker Watch what crap ends would like to think it's premium sponsors Kelly Grants Cindy Burgess Gerson just saying Kelly Barlow and Christy Dowerty we love you girls hello and welcome to the Watch what crap ends podcast the podcast about all that crap we love to talk about on Yale Braw the blood icon I'm Ronnie Karen from Trash Talk TV and the Rose on you, bro. The below deck corn. I'm Ronnie Karon from Trash Talk TV and the Rose Prick Spatula and Paradise podcast.

And here I am with my officially official wonderful internet husband and BFF Ben Mandelker of the B side blog and the banter blender podcast. Hello, being hello. Hello, I can't believe we've made it. We've made it to below deck day and I'm so happy because we can finally put a week of madness behind us because not only did we have our crazy live show, which is up and sorry again to everyone who's filed that was weird. Of course, the glitch, glitch on our most important show, but

not only was that over and that crazy experience, but in a pure coincidence, we were invited down to enjoy some drinks with Kelly Dodd at the Quiet Woman on Tuesday night, and that was pure madness and super fun, and now all our housewives and crap and stuff is over and it's back to being normal people. Well, yeah, if you can call it that. That was a bonk and I Kelly. We got to go and we got to go hang out with Kelly. So basically, I have a friend who is friends with Kelly and she had separately and it's like, I'm going to arrange a thing where we all go to the quiet woman.

So we went down there. We went to Kelly's house. Her house is enormous. I couldn't even believe how big it was. And when she took us on tour, we saw her. Her closet was like the size of literally my apartment, probably yours too, right? Maybe both combined. Bigger because it had like a

hallway and then a separate part yeah it had it had a balcony it had its own washer and dryer closet it was I never seen anything like it I know and as I told her the only thing that grosses me out of it about that is thinking that she's doing her own washer and her own She's like, of course. Yeah. Yeah. And so we went to the quiet woman, and then we wound up doing the Kelly Dodd facing against the window. And it was like really fun to do it for the photo. But afterwards, I was like, that was the most disgusting thing

I've done all year. Yeah. When we put our face on that window, I saw that there was already a big open mouth and a Carmichael nose thing from there, because like some girl with a lot of lips, macros had just done it. Yeah. But I didn't care, you know, anything for the Graham, anything for the Graham. It is worth it. That picture is worth every penny.

And someone in the comments said, please say that Kelly is taking that picture. And yes, Kelly was taking that picture. It was. I think it was actually her idea. In fact, leave it up to us to go meet Kelly and be like, can we get a picture of ourselves at the window that you flew on? Yeah, she was she was bonkers She was pretty much everything you'd expect but also really nice. So it was it was a good time Yeah, it's on the best way and the best way all the best sides and of course You know, what does that turn into? Me just getting as belligerent.

So we had so much fun and Ben drove. And on the way you were saying, I'll drive. And I was like, you really, you're going to deal with two me's on the way up there. And sure enough, on the way back Ben said, you're two peas in a pod. And I was like, I was out. That was a truth out.

Yeah, that was sorry, Ronnie. Yeah. That was a truth out. Yeah, that was sorry, Ronnie. I didn't mean to truth out you, but Kelly and Ronnie were two bees in the pod. Because at certain point, like, because here's what would happen. If you were going to talk to Kelly, you have a 30-second window before she just interrupts and goes on to her own tangent. So, you know, our friend Becky and I, we would try to tell some stories here and there. I'd be like, so I found this really cool watch and it was really funny because I've been looking for a watch and this one was really nice. She'd be like, hey guys, Siegel! I was like, I hate Siegel's!

Yeah, because you would start going on in one of your rants and then she was like, I know! I know! And then she would rant about something and you guys just kept ranting to each other. Well, with loud, belligerent people, you guys just kept ranting to each other. Well, with loud belligerent people, you have to match loudness or be louder. That's really the only way around it. It's how I was raised and it's how I continue my adult life.

And it's why I'm kept out of a lot of things. Well, I did what I relied on my paper coping mechanism, which was digging into some garlic bread. I was like, this is what I'm going to do. I mean, carbs. But no, it was like totally fine, obviously. Yeah. But you guys were like, you guys were communicating in some weird way.

It was so strange. The way I was exiting there watching, like you guys were just like, you guys were just like on the wavelength. I told her, if you're the president,'re gonna be like they go low I go lower. And they're saying don't you agree and I was like you go low Kelly. And she would just start laughing. I love that. I love that.

Yeah I love when we can meet people and just be honest you know. Yeah because she can take it because she was you know she would say like and so then I told her this and we'd be like, Kelly that is low and despicable. She's like, I know. I know. That's just like laughs and like pours up your champagne and glass. Yes, and thank you so much for driving all the time.

I owe you a big, old gas tank, but it really was fun to be able to get drunk. But on the way home, you know that coming down from being drunk, it's like, you know, I'm used to being in bed by the time that point hits where I'm like, okay, I'm going to bed crash. That's why I go drink five minutes from my house. Yeah, well, that was a hard part. It was like knowing I was like, I think I'm ready to like, like put a bow on this evening and they go home. It's like, no, we have to drive all the way up from, from Newport Beach. But we talked about Big Brother, like all the way back and that probably

server you up a lot too. It made me so grateful that I haven't wasted my time because I quit that a couple weeks ago because I can take it. And then you're telling me all the stupidity right in a row like that. I was like, well thanks for saving me that time. Yeah. So we'll talk about I we should we could probably like circle back to Big Brother on our next bonus episode. And we're, for those of you wondering about the Luan and Deco and one on one with Luan Delacepz, you know, where, where he has that promo up where he's like, we came all the way out to Sag Harbor to ask Luan how she feels about being hurt by Tom, to Agostino and a bottle of Rose, Sag Harbor.

Now, Tantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantantant what started as Regency News and then became Upper East Side News and then New York City News and then American News and then international news. This news is still breaking. I couldn't even shave for it. Yeah, he posted like a promo on his Instagram and Bethany Franklin comment. She was like, what is it? Like, Diane, so I got to say Harbor, huh? Which is actually funny in this dirty converse and his I mean it was it was priceless and of course Basically we'll talk about this more on the bonus episode next week But basically for those of you wondering it was just Luan going. Oh, no, I mean of course I had blinders on Andy But I have a new song the mattress collection and Candles and a new tote that says, you know,

I'm every woman or whatever. Poppies fault. Hashtag poppies fault. No, it makes sense because he didn't cheat. Now it makes sense why she did not retweet due to the dagousy note because she was on the verge of divorce. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

Do the la seps because they'll always be accountants on the inside. Is Queen Lat Latifa queen Andy Luan Tifa Antifa Antifa that's where I should call myself Antifa. I'm all about non-violence With Tom I love luxury and I hate fascism Would you believe it, Andy? Fascists. I wasn't violent in the restaurant.

I was just angry, so I pulled an antifa and grabbed Tom's face to look at me. It's like, wait a minute. I don't know much about politics, but uh, Andy Cohen, there are fine people on both sides the story. I'm friends with all of my ex-fascists. Oh, Lord. All right, so we're skipping the big news here. The big news. I'm friends with all my ex-fascists. Oh Lord. All right, so we're skipping the big news here.

The big news. Huge news. Big news. Not only is below deck back, but they have taken a page from their, you know, little sister show below deck meant, and just hired a ton of people who don't know what they're doing.

Yeah, like, well, the boat could crash, but we'll keep Cape Pist off, the captain's screaming, and we'll look at the Lafayette, but to idiots trying to figure out how to work an iron. Yeah, we're going to, this year, the producers were like, we don't really care of the lower sinks, you know, in fact, the owners told us we can scrap the boat, so we're just going to put a bunch of newbies on there and hope for the best. By the way, we should mention, by the way, the timing is not great. Well, it's not not great, but the show here at Premier Tuesday night in St. Martin and poor St. Martin just got ravaged by Irma. These hurricane situations are terrible.

So it's all the people who are in St. Martin and the Caribbean and Florida, et cetera. My God, Puerto Rico everywhere. Everywhere that's coming from Puerto Rico, so much of that was flattened. And it is weird when you're living in a 24 hour new cycle and you see this shit all day, think, and I'm always thinking, they're just trying to make it look bad. When they say there's a rain storm, but then it sprinkles.

No, it is not that. It is very, very, very fucking bad. And everybody who's dealing with that. Yeah, Barbuda, Barbuda just basically got totally flattened. So everyone just give to the Red Cross and, you know, and don't obviously are Houston friends. We said it last week. We'll say it again to our Houston listeners. We love you and everyone just go the Red Cross and support all our southern Texas Louisiana peeps and as well as now our Caribbean and Florida peeps. So, you know, we got to do what we can. As much as the news is making us think we hate our neighbors so much, those of us who really live in the real world know that that's not all the case. You know, go out there

and help your fucking neighbors. We all the same, okay When it's raining in your house is destroyed and everything's fucked, you know Your neighbor is all you can count on and remember that we're all just people in these times, so that's just a Precycling go. I've seen my neighbors. I've seen my neighbors here in Hollywood I'm like I got land that guy Girl sometimes you even got to help the ax murderer, you know I was telling you guys there's an ax murderer in my neighborhood, and they caught his ass the other day. And even people in the comment thread are like poor thing, he must have real mental issues.

And I'm like, you know, these tree hugging hippies, but at the same time, like, that's so nice. It is, it is nice. But he, like, when you told me about that on the drive back from Kelly Dodd's place It was one of the many topics, you know You know naturally after you hang out with Kelly Dodd You're gonna have to start talking about axe murderers You're like like I don't understand it. I was you're like I was on next door.com and one minute

They're saying there's an axe mid murder next they say there's a squirrel that's making noise And I thought you were being hyperbolic and then I got home and I was like oh there is a guy with an axe loose in Hollywood who like swacked this guy here's why you shouldn't have sympathy for this guy and his mental issues because he was shoplifting and a good smaritan was like offered to pay for his stuff so he wouldn't be accused of the crime and what the guy do he's swacked him with an axe in the face. Yeah and didn't they cut it didn't he cut off his hand or something? I actually don't know. I know there was a lot you know the neighborhood gossip because I've heard it gets bigger every day but at first I thought people were exaggerating and no they weren't. This video happened but

the same the same lady who told me the first time was like, did you hear he got someone's hand? He chopped her hand off and I was like, oh my god. No, it's terrible, but you know where they found him right outside of Ronnie's house, so that was good. But you probably would have been like, you know what? Shut the fuck up. Well, this acts. No, no, I would have been like an act. There's an avocado tree right there. Why would you get a fat guy when you can get like a month's worth of avocados? Get to get to walk a mulling, buddy. You know, sometimes you just have to, I've learned to aim my negativity at other things and it's helped me in my real life. You know, so maybe

I could help the ax killer. Yeah. Oh, I don't know. I'm from 711 worth a hand. It's like our M&Ms worth that much Yeah, oh, I feel bad for a guy from 7-11 worth of hand. It's like our M&M's worth that much. I mean, I've been on Weight Watchers. I know they feel that they're worth that much when you're on a diet or something. But this guy was already thin. I don't feel for him.

So that's just our way of saying that we're really excited that below deck is back. Yes, because if there's someone with an axe on below deck, you ain't getting away from them. Yeah, we're the ones who have access to grind around here. Yeah. Some of these people could have an axe. Let's some of these people are fucking nuts. They're like, hey, let's get someone like Rocky, but probably crazier, slightly trashier named after carbs, just to piss Kate off the whole time. Yeah.

And to Baker. Baker. So, yeah, the show opens with like, we sort of meet everyone all at once like they're all talking and, you know, Captain Lee is talking about how he has angst about the crew being so green and Nico's saying how he's he's more mature this year but his his freaks still like to come out and play and then we we start to meet some of the newbies and and Jenna's saying how she wants. Jenna's one of the new ones. She's the one who's got like that. She sure has like a sock

up up at face you know in like a really adorable way like Rachel Dratchi, Rachel Dratchi face long-time. It's like Rachel Drat with a consistent extremely high dose of aterol yeah her eyes are just popped open she does look like she's played by Rachel Drat that's so fun yeah yeah I just imagine what's your name Jen Jen and she's like I've heard new dumb girl but she's like ironically I've never been south of our land oh okay that's her first line in the show. Yeah.

I was like, this is my girl. Okay. She's already defining herself in her relation to Orlando. So that's already curious. She's already using ironic wrong. And nobody's shocked that you've never been south of Orlando. Okay. Nobody.

Nobody, Jen. Like like literally nobody Jen. She's like, I mean, I would have been, but South America has not represented at Epcot. How would she know that? She'd be like, what's the country with the giant chicken legs? I've been there at Epcot, ironically, ironically I've been there. She's like, well, one thing I do love is love is like how close China and Italy are to each other

You know you can just walk right over from country to country Now we get Matt chef who's like this really nice guy from Canada Right, I thought was I thought he was gay like I'm not even trying to be like that. I just assumed he was the gay cast member But no, he's not on the gears. You know, we're getting to the point in the world where every guy who's nice is like automatically assumed gay, which I think is something for the gay movement because it used to be like the bitch you went

is always the gay one. And now it's like, oh, someone who's really nice, which really goes to show how much we've worked on our attitude, Gays. Yeah, we did it. Thanks to all you nice Gaze who have helped us with her reputation out there in the world. Yeah, so yeah, Matt's the the the new chef and he's like nice and he's cute, really cute. And then we have Brianna who's like, I just really like the nomadic lifestyle, which makes me want to like hate her. I don't know why. I'm trying to do that. I'm trying to do that.

I'm trying to do that. I'm trying to do that. I'm trying to do that. I'm trying to do that. I'm trying to do that. I'm trying to do that. I'm trying to do that. I'm trying to do that.

I'm trying to do that. I'm trying to do that. I'm trying to the door. I feel like she's the type that would say this sort of shit and be like open and progressive, but she'd be the first one to move to Silverlake in a fancy house and kick out like some bodega because she doesn't like the look of it. Yes, exactly. She's like a total nimbity type, you know? She's one of those girls who doesn't ever take a shower because like she's saving water or like she's trying to just say in public that she's saving water. She's like, do you smell me? It's because I'm saving water.

Enjoy the drought. You pig. She shops in the annoying aisles at Whole Foods. Yes, she's in those like tincture aisles. Yeah, yes, there's aisles that no one uses except for her. The only aisles with help with customer service in the aisle. Yeah, she gets. She gets the she like buys that like weird Whole Foods man is. with help with customer service in the aisle. Yeah, she gets.

She gets. She, she like buys that like weird Whole Foods mayonnaise. That's like not as good as just like your standard hellmins with it. Vegan is. She just gets like a weird shit. Like, you know, there's certain shit you don't get at Whole Foods. Like certain basic shit that you don't do. And she gets it.

No, I'm probably gets like. She probably gets like recycled toilet paper. It's like brown. Although I have to say, I do get into their vegan blue cheese dressing because it's my only choice at the salad bar and it's delicious. I don't know how they do it. But the only reason I got through the tincture aisle is to like mock people and push them out of my way. She's probably there tincturing it up. So this girl named Baker is the Rocky. She's got like Rocky teeth Rocky smile But she says I'm a ghetto gypsy diva

I travel around in an RV And they talk like that. I go good a drug addict who's like staying away from the law I'm liking this girl already. Yeah a Baker. How can you not love a Baker? I know I actually was getting more Rocky vibes from from Brianna away from the law. I'm liking this girl already. A baker. How can you not love a baker? I know. I actually was getting more Rocky vibes from from Brianna, but maybe there's like a little bit of Rocky and everyone now. It's like that movie Lucy. She's everywhere. Well, Jen has the crazy eyes, right?

She's got the popping open eyes. Yeah. This girl has kind of the, I'm cool. I'm a hippie. I just like a coffee shops are Wall Street. Who knows where I'll be next? Yeah. And Brianna is the one who is like very, and Brianna is the whole food side of Rocky. So there you go. Rocky has now been spread across to be different women. But Brianna also looks like the first bitch from Top Chef, Tiffin. She does. And she has the same kind of like uppity, you know, silent vibe to her where I have a feeling she's become,

she's gonna become a huge bitch. And you know what, I'm here for you. I think so. I'm here for you, lady. Yeah, I'm also getting like a touch of Rachel Dullesall from her, just a touch. Well, she's got really tight curls. I'm not sure if that's a perm or if that's like curl curl. I can't tell you. Yeah, we'll have to let's eat

We'll circle back to that over the course of season. We'll check it out. We also get Bruno My dream since kid is getting up Portugal and on yacht And he's got a 16 pack and he says he's a matter He is gorgeous by the way Bruno is like So gorgeous. Yes Yes and equally as dumb which makes it perfect. Yeah it does. It makes me feel better when dumb people you know are I mean when gorgeous people are dumb. I'm like just please just be shirtless and walking around in circles all season and I'll be happy Bruno. I'll be happy. Please do not smart

now. He's like I know three languages. I'm like, you know how to say that'll cost you $20 in three different languages. Let's not sit here and pretend you're speaking DOS. Okay, Bruno. DOS. So then we meet Chris who I automatically really dislike. He's another decant and he's like, yeah, I did, I did yachting once before, but you know, someone stole my clothes and the police got involved yeah, I did yachting once before, but someone's still in my clothes, and the police got involved, so I just quit.

What sort of backstory is that? It's my second stab at yachting. And then, yeah, I'm just saying, you could just tell he's like a huge douche. Yeah, he is a huge douche, but he's like a born again Christian, he just escaped recently. So now he's just trying to fuck everything he can and like,

you know, live the life. And, you know, I'm here for that as well. I remember those times. I wish I was that hot when I was like, I'm gonna fuck the world. I feel like he's the sort of guy. If he weren't on Bravo, if we met him and he'd be like, so you guys do like a Bravo podcast.

So like, well, you guys, like you guys cover Kardashians and all that shit. Yeah, you like that stuff. Yeah Yeah, are you like obsessed like? Yeah, why don't we get that so much? Why don't everyone really say that all the time? That is something we get all the time. I know I really like I really I just really don't like their Kardashians show It's not about the Kardashians themselves. It's just, I don't like the show. I don't like the wits made and the stories they tell. Well, I get real people in life don't all know what Bravo is. You know, it's like we all have our things that we love.

And if they don't watch Bravo, I don't care. I get it. But that they really think that Bravo is Kardashians and fucking my 600 pound life. It's almost like they think of cable as this one big entity like we're not covering suits, okay? Yeah, we have some lines in life. I mean we are I mean they all all actually all the things you mentioned I think are under the calm cast umbrella, but still it's like constantly everyone always asks if we're doing the Kardashians. Yeah, no No, we're not the Kardashians. Yeah.

No, we're not. So, so then we get the opening credits and I'm pointing this out only because, you know, in the opening credits, they show all, all the, all the cast members. And when they, when they show Kate, our dear Kate, she's just sort of sitting there with this very serious face. And then she gives a smile like, hmm, like fine. I'll give you a little smile. She's like, huh, and then she let's go. It's like for a flash and then she's back down to like, straight face. It's like, it's Kate. Hello, Ellen. Yeah, I love that every time they show Kate's in

the beginning. She's just like, hmm, not she's already, she's already glouring at the inefficiency of the camera crew. Well, you know it's going to be good because the very first line of the like coming on Blow Deck and we already went through all that but I just saw the first line is Captain Lee going, I've never seen a bunch of blipin' idiots in my life like this. God damn it! He's like screaming and losing it.

It's like this is it. Yeah. So the first... Oh, sorry, babe. No, I was just going to point out that he, I feel like for the season premiere, he got his, his little stringy bangs extra combed forward for the episode, which I really appreciated. Well, Captain Lee always comes like it's the first day of school and he's five because his wife is always like, okay, time to, time to go to Fantastic Sam. So before season starts. All right, God, thanks for taking care of me the way you do. And he goes down there, she shows him a picture out of the kids magazine.

Like this time he's in that spiky hair. Yeah, yeah, spiky, that's right. Because I'm not taking no bull this time. I'll tell you that much. You go with your spiky. You mess with the bull bull you get the spikes. I want my bangs straight forward and string. Seeing Captain Lee, wow, bangs down spikes up. Yeah. Yeah. He's actually has sort of like the the the the yacht captain version of a cake gaustling at this point. I like it.

So after the credits Kate obviously first one she's back on the boat. She's like yawning. It's like hooking up with the next. I'm okay at first but before long I want to strangle it all over again. Yeah. Yeah. She's like, she's saying how she enjoys life now that she's not yawning all the time. So she's able to enjoy the yacht experience now. And then we have Captain Lee, who is already grumbling about what's going to be like his worst crew of all time. He's like, in the last five years, we got all these Hollywood types and Wall Street pricks, building these ginormous yachts, sucking up all the goddamn crew.

And then we got our crew people from Sizzler and Red Lobster. And no, it does not count. Has got experience because you fished a toy at the fish tank. Hollywood jackass them up your butt tight. And you know that he says this shit in traffic, you know? Yeah, you know, he's like, every golden Cadillac driving along the Florida streets. And he's like, God damn it. You Hollywood jackass.

Thumb up your butt tight. All these Hollywood types are buying extra cars and Florida and driving around because they got all this free time instead of working. His mother fucking god damn clicks. You know, his pistol never he sees orange juice in the store. These goddamn Hollywood jackass, some of their oranges used to be from Florida, not anymore. Trap a canna, more like Trap a cancha. Goddamn Hollywood types ring, you all are Trap a canna.

So Kate meets the chef and she's like, so you are. And he's like, I'm the chef. I'm the chef. I'm the chef. Yeah, I'm mad. I'm the chef and she's like, so you are and he's like, I'm the chef. I'm the chef. I'm mad. Yeah, I'm mad. I'm the chef. I've worked for many famous chefs, okay? And you know, I can get any chef job possible, but this is more intimate.

Originally from Canada, and she's like, wow, tall handsome Canada. And Canada's G-rated, so if he gets mad, he'll be like, I'm gonna hug you less hard. Which is so true about Canada. Yeah, and something I hope that they never change. Yes. And so then Kate and Matt are joking about, like he's saying he's like, I think at this point he's saying he's staking potatoes or whatever,

but they're just talking about what she eats or what the crew is gonna eat and, you know, and like how annoying it would be if a crew member Uh would be gluten free be annoying for him to cook dinner for the crew and Kate goes well if there's a yoga mat You're probably screwed and then they cut to Brianna walking on to the on to the yacht with a yoga mat As she goes, hey, do you are So your piano She's like, are you my postmates? No, okay?

Are you grub hub? Oh, you're oh, you're stew. Oh, you're stew it is awesome And the chef's like yeah, I want a fucker Sorry, it's gonna take me a while to get everybody's voices. So I'm just gonna use the old voice until you know what? I'm he gonna use the old voices until the right now. He's old Adam. Yeah, latest data, which could not be as far there from the truth. But you know what? I'm actually getting from Brianna. I'm getting some Joan Osborne.

I'm just realizing she's a little Joan Osborne. Um, I'm still getting now that I said Tiffany from top chef. I'm only seeing Tiffany. And now it's making the mad. Yeah, I like getting mad at her now. But no, she's, but she's not a redhead. And Tiffany has sort of a square jaw. And Brianna has more like a round jaw, round face with like a pointy chin. I would look at that, but that would require a lot

of finger sliding. So I'm gonna look up Joan Osborne now, because I feel like Joan Osborne is really the, that's the comp that we're looking for. Okay, I'll interrupt Brianna while you're doing that. So Brianna is like, you know, I've never been the type to plan my 10 year goal. Well, that's because it's not a 10 year goal, Brianna. It's a five year goal. 10 years is too long. And it gives you too much excuse to fuck off for the first eight until you get your shit together. Okay. Her 10 year goal is to plan her 10-year goal. Pretty much.

She's like, I trust the universe to guide me and I'm like, here you are, as I made with a yoga mat. Well done. She's like, I backed through Central America by myself. That's called danger. Yeah, and you should always have a guy, okay? And she's like, I lived off the grid in Kauai for three months or whatever. I'm like, I hate you.

I'm like, does anybody live on the grid in Kauai? It sounds far. Exactly. There's like barely a grid. It's just sort of like a wobbly line at best. I've been to Kauai, okay. So Kate starts taking her through the boat. Yeah, I want to go ahead.

I'd just say one other thing was that Brianna said that she doesn't love the made aspect of yachting, which makes me think that she's going to spend most of the season crying into an iron. Yeah, well, trust me, there are plenty of maids who don't do toilets. I'm like really bitch. Or like when it made, it's like I don't do windows.

Really? Yeah, do you understand that I can I'm like really bitch or like what it means like I don't do windows Really Yeah, you understand that I can yelp a maid as well, don't you? Yeah, so anyway, so yeah, I have a maid I tell this to fuel her and he's like I literally cannot do windows like My paws don't work like that. I'm like I'm yapping you You're well your help review world is over I'm yapping you. Your help review world is over. Be alert. So Briana's like, Kate is like,

Oh, well, you look horrified. So let me take you through the boat. Here's your friend, the toilet. Here's your friend, the other toilet. Here's your friend behind the toilet. Here's the sheets, the iron. And she's like, I don't like made things. And she goes, but if I can be the 1% on a yacht, you're not the 1%

Okay, the main at a castle is not the queen. Yeah, it doesn't work that way, but I like your positive attitude Even though it's going to lead you to destruction and despair in the future enjoy your 20s Exactly, so then dreamy Bruno comes on next and he's like, oh, my dream is always to make it on yacht I've been on kuship I've been on canoe and now yacht and then But he's still doesn't know what starboard is because they're like can you go to the forward forward cabin and the starboard side? I know starboard starboard for starboard is the word Starboard was a thing. I know because I used to work on a dinner cruise in New York City Okay, the spirit cruise lines right thanks songs and then we crashed the boat into the dock

So yeah, it's been there that was I went to a prom on this on on that boat But here's the thing I don't work on yacht so I can say a starboard because I don't know what I'm talking about Starboard starboard sounds exciting Yeah, I feel like Bruno probably thinks it's called Starboard and that's how he's labeled it in the set and it's always gonna be because she's like, okay there, Bruno, Bruno's your name really? Okay, Bruno. Starbird4.

Star, and he's like, okay, Starbird, Starboard. Starboard. It is a spell. Starboard. No, it's a Starbird. Oh, it's really spelled Starboard. I was spelled Starboard. You know what now that I'm staring at this goddamn word been I don't know because you know I act like I know everything but then I know I think you're right.

It's not starboard like like a starboard. Yeah, it's like these like somewhere in between these people. But when I look at it, it says starboard chicken. And no, it's spelled starboard. That's why I said starboard. Because I'm reading notes. So I'm like, very literal. I am like, it's spelled starboard. Starboard starboard. That's how you say it. Starboard. Starboard. Oh my God. Kate is going to kill it. But it's spelled starboard. It's spelled starboard. Oh my God, you see that's who I am.

It was the first draft of the weekend song. I'm a mother fucking starboard. This is how I am in life, too. I'm like, that's not a say it. And then I'm right. I'm right. And then it's like you Google it. And I'm wrong.

Sorry. Well, while we both were, we both were wrong. Cause I said it wrong. And you spelled it wrong. And for those of you waiting, we'll apologize for For co-sleeping on the next real house as a foreign county recap. Okay. We'll just we'll just dole out these apologies slowly, but surely What the co-sleeping apology? Oh because oh because apparently it's when it's when a child sleeps in the bassinet, right?

Yeah, we'll hold it. We'll hold it. Yeah, we'll hold it. But moms are like these guys are idiots, but we still like them. Yeah, we don't know. We still don't know how the dino works people. But wait, no, I just want to say we weren't making fun of the act of co-sleeping. We're just making fun of the term co-sleeping because it's really just stupid. You could just say, yeah, my baby's sleeping in a bassinet. Next to me.

Well, like Bruno, I wander around just going starboard starboard starboard starboard starboard starboard He's just wandering around there. He's like I speak three languages, but this this word is not in any, you know so then Then the cat we see the captain looking out at the a resume of Jen Howell who's One of the other news to you. And he's like, Oh, God, I like big boats and I cannot lie. What, why would she have to lie about that? Like, no, it's a song. I was drinking sorry. Oh, sorry. Yeah, those goddamn Hollywood types. I drank

midgigle. So Jen comes on and she's like, as long as I can remember, I have those goddamn Hollywood types. I drank a mid giggle. So Jen comes on and she's like as long as I can remember I've had a strange obsession with boats one time I dated a guy because of his boat. It's like an orgasm That's how real it is One time I had a screensaver and I had a boat on it screensaver and it had a boat on it. That's literally what like the evidence that her obsession both does she have a screensaver with a boat on it. A boat is like an orgasm sweeping up. She's like, one time I was working on a catamaran and I found out I was

pregnant because the boat was an orgasm and then a baby. Childbirth, coast leaping is a boat. Oh my God. I have never masturbated as much as when I watched Titanic. Yeah, it's a pleasure. So you have a baby. Is it hard to leave for six weeks?

Because we can send you back earlier if you want. She's like, yeah, but yay, babies are hard. So Bruno's like, of course, and like the captain's room taking a bubble bath or something. It's like Bruno. Can you move forward to the other cabin? They went on the starboard side, not the captain's palace. Please thank you Bruno. So then Nico comes on board.

This is the only one with Lou fa. So then Nico comes on board. This is the only one with Lufa. So then Nico comes on board and he's gonna be lead deck hands. So there's a parent, there's like no boasts and it seems like it's, but there's a lead deck hand, which is Nico. And he just comes on. He's like, I'm Nico. And then next comes Chris, but he keeps on introducing himself as, hey,'m Chris Brown I'm Chris Brown and I was like whoo Chris Brown Because you know Chris Brown and you know, that's probably like his thing

He likes to choose himself as Chris Brown, so people say like oh, that's funny because you're not Chris Brown Yeah, oh that's funny because like he's kind of abusive right or whatever the thing is you know like why would you why would you associate That closely Yeah, he's like you know, like, why would you, why would you associate that closely? Yeah. He's like, you know, my name is basically unlikable too, right? Yeah. He's like, uh, my name's, uh, Ronnie, but you can call me OJ. Okay. Hi, I'm Ben, but you can call me Amy Fisher. Raising kids can be one of the greatest rewards of a parent's life. But come on. Some days parenting is unbearable. Raising kids can be one of the greatest rewards of a parent's life.

But come on, someday, parenting is unbearable. I love my kid, but is a new parenting podcast from Wondry that shares a refreshingly honest and insightful take on parenting. Hosted by myself, Megan Galey, Chris Garcia, and Kurt Brown all are, we will be your resident not so expert experts. Each week we'll share a parenting story that'll have you laughing, nodding, and thinking, oh yeah, I have absolutely been there. We'll talk about what went right and wrong, what would we do differently?

And the next time you step on yet another stray Lego in the middle of the night, you'll feel less alone. So if you like to laugh with us as we talk about the hardest job in the world, listen to, I love my kid, but wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen ad free on the Amazon Music or Wondery app. Exactly. My name is Ronnie, but you can call me Mrs. Bobbitt. Wait a minute.

This is Ronyan Ben, but you can call us Lyle and Eric. So the captain is holding the pose in the boson title because you know, he wants people to earn it. So he's like, well, we're going to run without a boson. But Nico did a good job. Lassies and I'll have to rely on him, but he's not ready yet. All right. We'll see if he's gonna be ready by the time this god damn Stinking non-Hollywood second god damn thumb up your butt boats ready that duck Well, I'll be the judge of that spucky hair. I got a spucky hair Nico. You recognize me Yeah, that's right. I look like the top top of tomato what do you got problem with that?

Hey I'm Chris Brown, hey I'm Chris Brown, and she's like hello. I'm Kate Chastain, and he's like Like that may will always be scarier. Okay, I want to strike some fear into the hearts So Niko says hi to the girls and beard of the hearts. So Nico says hi to the girls and Brianna and Nico know each other because they met in Barcelona and he apparently got drunk and like super flirty with her. So she's you know like you know because you don't really have any personality by the way. Well we made out a little like we got flirtatious and drunk but he was weird. You're calling him weird as you unpack your yellow from sweat pillow that you're using on top of your bunk. Okay. So let's stop trying to make Nico the gross one, ma'am.

I know. Like get a new get a new pillow for the yacht. I mean, we I don't hold it against you that you have a yellow pillow because it happens to all of us. At least it happens to me. I'm sort of looking at mine right now. But I but I have the good graces to change it out once in a while. So that way it's fresh. Yeah, it happens to all of us, but I recognize the pillow pattern from Ross because that's where I get my pillows. You're paying $10. You can get a new pillow, everyone. Just get a new pillow.

You're on a yacht. Okay. You're on a yacht. You're not in a hostel and then you've got Matt McKitchen and he's like, oh, God, we've got cockroaches and Kate's like, kill it. No, I can't do that. It's a baby. She's like, oh geez He's so Canadian

So Canadian So um, let's see I said Chris Brown and Bruno both new. Yes. I don't know why I felt the need to write that down Like I would tell because like Bruno's like No, flossing his teeth are like the anchor right that down. You're like, they're new. Like, how would you tell? Because like Bruno's like, flossing his teeth like the anchor, you know? I, he's like, is this for? No, Bruno. So Kate calls the steers together.

And she's like, okay, let's look at these resumes. How is your service? They're like, nope, nope. Okay. So you studied culinary arts, Brianna. How is your service? They're like, nope. Nope. OK. So you studied culinary arts, Brianna. And Brianna's like, yeah, for like five minutes. And then I was like, this isn't art. It's like, I know how to make a sandwich.

She's like, OK. To be fair, that was bartending that she gave up on. And culinary arts, she just merely studied in high school. OK. Professor in every high school, culinary art. Yeah. She's like, I she just merely studied in high school. Okay. Professor in every high school culinary art. She's like, I should study culinary arts in high school. And then she went to bartending school, but she never really followed up and getting a job in bartending.

Not only that, she goes so bartending and she goes, oh, that really needs to be updated that resume. You just used it to get on a national TV show. This is clear. This was like some like eighth grade class where you had to make your own resume for the first time. Yeah, it's like the first time I went to an audition after a long time and under special skills, I had rollerblading. I was like, God, it's no, they were like, so you rollerblade. I was like, almost 40.

I was like, who are we kidding? blade. Almost like almost 40. I was like, who are we kidding? I'm sweating because I walked from the folding chairs to this room right here, like five feet away. So she goes, so then guys know how to make coffees, lattes, and she goes, I can work a curic. So then we go over, we hear more about Chris and his crazy Christian situation and basically he was celibate for 26 years and Now he has decided that he wants to not not live that lifestyle So he likes to drink and have sex, but what's a note which is fine But what's annoying is that he's now this guy like I love to drink. Yeah guys. Let's drink you guys like to drink You like to drink I like to drink too, which is what we did in like that's what you do in high school

Like when you're when you're 18 and after you've gotten drunk for the first time, you're like, guys, let's go somewhere to drink. Once you go drink, let's drink. Do you like to drink? I like to drink too. Oh my God, we both love to drink. Who's up for some sex before marriage, bra?

Yeah, rebels. Rebels. Rebels. He's like four things Chris Brown loves the most. Women, alcohol, snowboarding and travel and yacht and covers three. So let's give this a go. Um, Bruno's like, do you know how to tie any knots? And he goes, well, I pulled up some YouTube vids and I tied my headphones into a knot and then I went back to masturbating. Cause I'm not Christian anymore. And then I had some alcohol. Yeah.

Bruno's like, I pull up, I pull up YouTube video too, but like, I'm still waiting for Joan Van Arck to show me how to make knots. Joan Van Arck. I love that Bruno would have like an obsession with Joan Van Arck. Well, she was on not landing, right? Yes. Okay. He's really sure. He's really developed like an obsession now with Joan Van Arc. Well, she was on not landing, right? Yes. Okay. He's really sure.

He's really developed like an obsession now with Joan Van Arc. She thought me so much. How to not take rap from other ladies on the street. But she not teach me not yet. I do know I haven't learned how to land yet either. Think God, this isn't a plane. But tomorrow I'm learning about falconing. And my toothpaste is Chris.

Does it count? Does it count? We say gata Dallas, yeah. So Rocky, when I couldn't remember Baker's name, I just wrote Rocky, but Baker is like, I'm Southern. Classy, I'm the, you know, Southern people have all these classy ladies,

but I'm different from them. I like to say, I'm instead of a debut taught, I'm a debut not. But I was like, not, not, not. I'm like, those don't really rhyme properly, but okay. She's like, I take my RV to burning man Of course you don't come back of course you I know leave it don't brag about that don't brag about that Leave it there with your low water pressure

And then you probably go to what's it called Coachella and put on like an Indian feather But I call it no cello which would rhyme so it probably wouldn't work with her whole scheme of things. I call it Coach Akaka. I call it Coach Akaka, not classier like a Southern lady, okay? And did I get a stage coach, or is I call it stage well? Mm-hmm. So Kate's asking Brianna about her relationships or whatever, and she's like, or this girl, probably probably baker and she's like, I'm single

Arthee traveling and Kate's like, well my last last last relationship was brief It was not that cool, okay. I realized if I'm attracted to someone. It's probably bad news Then we so I think then we have a crew meeting right and this was this is very important because the crew meeting on the first episode of the season is the only time we get to meet the real people who were on the yacht aka in this case garrith and daryon who are the first officer and the engineer I just always feel like they need to have a moment like that. I think it was last year.

It was like Larry and Barry, but this year it's Gareth and Darian, who's excited like they're in some British gay comedy. Yeah, but these guys do both have two ours in their name. So I guess that's close, but I like Darian. I like Barry and Larry. And he's like, all right, here's the rule. Here's the number one rule on any ship of mine.

You'll work hard. All right. You had to green crew, but once you're showing something and you screw up, it's not a good thing. You see the fear and garrison durian's eyes? That's because it's the fear of messing up because they work so goddamn hard. They're not like how the wood types like you guys, okay?

They have a lot of ours in their name because if you fuck up around here, you're gonna run run run run run right Garith and Darian and the first person who calls Garith Garrett. I'm gonna send you a one-way ticket home And you'll never ever leave off that at you again, huh? Yeah, you mess up here. You went a plane ticket Bruno's like yay, blame. He's like, that's not a good kind kid. All right. It's not a lottery. Bruno's like, he's like my grandpa. He even has this jewelry that says stuff.

Okay, Bruno. So then Kate is, then we have like a little montage of Kate with chefs of her past, because I think she's talking about how nice it seems to be that Matt seems, seems to be a, a normal chef. She's like, I'm always stuck with a crazy chef. And they show like Kate versus Leon, Kate versus Ben. I think it was just just the two of them, but it was great. And they also show her saying, um, so do you drink a lot like most chefs and he's like, oh, no,

just trying to slow down There are bad signs about this chef all over the place I Think the worst sign is that he was unwilling to kill a cockroach That's the worst sign. I think the worst sign is saying I'm sobering up on the job Like nobody wants to be around somebody while they're sobering up. Okay. I'll be around a super person That's fine, but not while you're trying, we all know what it's like. Yeah, we, well, so we can see that the stress level

is rising in Kate because she's now put on her light cardigan. She's like, all right, time to put on the light cardigan because I'm about to become, she gets colder as, as she gets stressed. Most people get, most people start to sweat, she just starts to get colder and colder. So now she has the light card to get on. And so now we start going in these really quick scenes

where I write down everything, but I don't need to, but I have to say, Jen slides every time I write something with Jen Dan. She goes, being a mom, I don't get a mom break, but my mom retired so I could live my dream. I'm like, God, damn, your mom finally got you out of the house and you had a baby that you made her take care of.

That is so uncool. And also she does. They were dad who retired, but yeah. Also, she doesn't know how to put a pillow on a bed. She's like, I don't know where this goes. She's like trying to stand it up on its end. Well, it's stand up. But then for some reason Kate is showing Jen how to make a diamond head on the toilet paper.

And I reround that like three times because I want to learn how to do that. I swear, Kate, you should come out with like a, like how to clean your room book. No, Kate has a book, but Kate needs like a, here's how to keep your apartment looking like a first-do came through. You can call it the first-do came through. Listen, it's on us. First do came through. I'm like that. So more warning signs about the chef. She's like, so I like the chef.

Kate just keeps coming up with questions to ask the chef to try and catch him. Because she keeps coming back in. She's like, so meal plans. And he's like, well, I'm a planning breakfast because I planned that the night before. And she's like, well, Matt is enthusiastic and organized and nice. Too good to be true. Yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes, absolutely. And I love it. I love that you have the instinct to know that no one that together is ever together So I'm gonna have to be slightly messy to be together. I think even Leon on his first episode seemed like he had a shit together I think everyone was excited about Leon, you know, just as a switch up from Ben. So who knows? Yeah, so the toilet paper triangle. She's like, so you know the triangle and they're like, wow, a triangle folding. And Jen goes, I feel like I've seen this before.

Jen has a very specific dead zone talent. She recognizes origami folds on toilet paper. It's like literally a triangle. Wait a second. I'm looking at this triangle and I'm remembering something. Ah, you're gonna have to do this again tomorrow. He warned. She's the kind of psychic who just realizes what's going on right in front of her right now. I feel like I've seen it before. You're seeing it now. Exactly! Oh my god. This one. It's like it's made of an napkin. Yeah, I'm making a swan napkin. Oh my God. So the captain's like, Nico, okay, get the hell up those goddamn Hollywood stairs. All right. Today's guests are from a trampoline park with we know are the classiest types

ever bowling knows yeah exactly and you're saying these are meat and potatoes kind of guys and the chef goes well I'm a meat and potatoes kind of chef so let's do this and I was like oh everything is just warning to danger. Okay, it's just like if I could cross my arms any tighter, I would. I've known she's like, Tato's guys and they're never good. She's fully in a straight jack up pose now for arms just so crossed. And usually meeting potatoes guys are the kind who ruin a stake. They're like, just in the macro wave.

Exactly. You know what a meeting place guy is? It's three drummers, husband on Pioneer Woman, you know what a meat and piss guy is it's Three drummers husband on pioneer woman, you know kind of the kind of guy who thinks like making wings With a slightly Asian touch is crazy He's like we're gonna pit some salsa in there. Wow Like the sort of guy where she has to sneak off with her lady friends just to have to coach you salad. She's like well I'm making read. I'm making him a steak with potatoes, but I'm going to do something wild. I'm having a coach you salad with my girlfriends, which is a thing that happened on that episode.

That's a tip. You know, boys, they just like their meat and potatoes. Like those are usually the kind of guys you don't want cooking for you. Basically. Yeah. So the captain's like, guess what? The guests don't give a crap about whether or not your crew's green. Okay. Now you can't show the, you can't show the crew your nerves. But right now the pucker effect is so strong, you couldn't drive a straight pin up my ass with a 10 pound sledge the the the the the the the the the the the the the

the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the

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the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the old man Ralph Wiggum here. Just picking his nose. God damn it. So Nico's teaching ropes, which is that's that. He's like, he's like, okay, this is how you pull up a rope. Bruno's like, bubbles? No, rope.

Yeah. No one knows. I mean, I'm worried more for Nico because Kate, like, even Cinderella learned how to clean a toy like, you know what I mean. But like, this stuff is important, tying the knots and stuff like that. He's like, yeah, okay. If I say make it off, that means one loop around, then you make a figure eight. He's like, this vanishing or the English eight?

Just an eight. Okay. Like we're not writing down a Yiddish. Okay. And Chris goes, my last job was polishing a hole for eight hours But there's more to being a deck hand than polishing and I don't want to be responsible for a harm to a human Like leave it leave it to an escape to born again to get a job polishing holes First step out like where were you?

Yeah, so now it's like dinner time and the girls propose the idea of mixed dorms because they need more closet space and the men don't use a lot of closet space. So this is going to obviously do disaster having, having coed yacht rooms. But that's basically all that happens there. And now it's the next one. I want more time in the bathroom and the first thing Chris does is he's like, I don't wear underwear, so I have to change in the bathroom. Oh God. We're

underwear. We're told the police got involved. I had to quit yawning for a little bit. Never found those for the limbs again. Oh, so then next day, everyone starts getting to work cleaning, cleaning, cleaning, now the chef is cutting onions and it looks very slow and amateurish to me. I'm not picking on the chef on purpose. I'm just trying to figure out what's wrong with him and so far it seems like everything.

It's nice skills. I can cut it in better and I learned it from Ann Barrell on the TV dude. Like come on. Yeah. Yeah. And you can tell, again, Kate's stress level has risen to a new tier because she has actually abandoned the light card again for a mock neck sweater instead, a full sweater. Oh, girl. Don't make Kate pull out the mock. Yeah, the mock neck.

It's dangerous. It's too soon for me to mock, but that doesn't mean my almost turtletleneck can't. Okay, yeah. So the guests, the guests start to arrive. Oh, this is, by the way, importantly, before the guests arrive, Nico teaches Bruno how to latch cushions onto the boat

to make sure they don't fly away, which is important. It's an important detail to remember. Yes. They're like, what? No one told me. Yes, they did, sir. So it's a car ride, everybody up to the main Yes. They're like, what? No one told me. Yes, they did, sir. So it's a car ride. Everybody up to the main deck.

We're gonna greet the adrenaline junkies. Yeah. So these people come on to the boat and the whole crew introduces themselves and the guy, the main, the primary, he's like, oh, Matt, Matt, why isn't Matt wearing pants? Why is he wearing shorts? I'm like, you read a trampoline, Parks, or just relax.

Exactly. Mr. Chef, he's a chef. Yeah. Okay. Listen, trampoline jerk. Let him wear shorts. You're in the Caribbean. Congratulations, adrenaline chunky. Who owns a trampoline park? It's like, yeah, the adrenaline jumping on a trampoline indoors. Yeah, congrats on all that adrenaline on a yacht. Yeah, that's, uh, that's the next extreme sport. Yeah, yeah, the extreme, the trampoline indoors. So they get the tour and Kate's like, yes, decent, isn't it? And he's like, Dave, I'm going to be shitting on the fancy toilet. If that's okay. My favorite part in all of this is Jen trying to understand what the washing machine is. She's like, what is this? She's like swinging the doors around.

How many times do you think Jen has accidentally flushed that fancy toilet because it doesn't have a normal flusher thing. It has like a light and you're supposed to step on the light and that causes it to like, it has projects a beam of light. And to step on the light and that causes it to like it has it projects a beam of light And you basically interrupt the beam of light so it flushes and you know Jen's like a cat She's trying to capture that light like non-stop to bring her paws on it So so now it's like, okay, it's the first official doc drama of the season. It's like, okay, time to leave the doc, time to leave the

doc. Get the founders, get the founders, leave the doc, leave the doc. It's like, dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun. And then they just like leave the doc. I liked that one part, the guys like, yeah, if you jump in or they said, you want to jump off the boat or something and the husband's like, yeah, the higher the better. And the wife goes, yeah, the higher, the more dangerous the better. He has that tattooed on his back. And I'm like, leave it up to a guy from a trampoline park to have that long of a fucking tattoo.

No, the higher, the more dangerous the better. Yeah, he's like, make it a really long sit in so people know I'm dangerous. A really long sentence that isn't profound in any way. So next, next, I'm sorry, because this is this is snacks out on the deck. This is the next bad sign. Chips and charge salsa. Oh, yes.

Yes, I noticed that. I was like, what's sort of what sort of like lame ass chip and dip is going out to the first primary guess. I mean, I know that they have a trampoline park and this is probably a step up from them, but like chips and salsa. That was straight up paste bachani sauce type sauce. It was. It was. And it wasn't even other you buy. It was pace. That was like, there should have been like a variety. There should have been like salsa and guacamole and like maybe even like a fancy homemade case. So I don't know. I'm just being allowed. Yeah. And those chips had the texture of like uh, uh, tostitos, you know, like, like, I didn't even get one. So like the $2 Santa Maria chips.

So what I don't even think, I don't even think they had a brand. I think they were generic. Come on, Canada. I think they stole them out. I think that he like went and sold them out of the production, the production office. I think he went in and took like some something from like whatever they have in the production pantry Yeah, it's like also I've got two pieces of orbit's left become yeah, so So then Chris and Bruno now that they've just embarked they have the fender and they're walking around with it It was like it's it to me, it's, it looked like, like two guys in a horse costume, but without the costume on, because they were walking around with this thing, they're like,

here we come. Okay, excuse me, Captain Lee, you mind if we squeeze by you and he's like, they're steering the ship and he's like, right now, yeah, Hollywood tights. And then when Hollywood, a big old truck will move out of your way, but not this time. They're like, what do we do? And Chris is like, Chris Brown is like, hit it. Like, oh, geez. Leave it up to Chris.

Leave it up to Chris Brown. Chris Brown to say hit it. So as they start to zip off out of, out of port, of course, the couch cushions that Bruno is supposed to secure, they just go flying right off the yacht. The captain goes, Jesus Christ, idiots. Hey, the cushions are over the side. Could you snack those cushions? So while they're trying to rescue the cushions, upstairs of Brianna is making a table scape, and she was doing using starfish, which I thought was a nice little gesture to Amy. Starfish.

Starfish. Come back. Yeah, she was doing a table scape. It was very like Thanksgivingy. And me cause like, okay, member, I told you clipping on here's how to clip on cushions. And he's like, where'd they go? Where'd they go? And he's like looking over the side because they didn't hear

all this going on because I don't think they had their radios on downstairs while he in Chris Brown doing. I'm doing. Like cavemen. They're sitting there eating their salad with their fingers with their mouth open and let us is flying out of their mouth. You know what casting great work. Yeah. I mean that with all my heart. I don't know. There's something about the whole, you just could tell that Nico and Kate were just like, oh my god, these idiots. Because Kate's then bossing around Jen. And she's like, yeah, could you get the Arning board

from Captain Lee's cabin? It's the good one. And Jen's like, OK. And she gets this fancy Arning board and probably just drops it on the floor. Not Captain Lee's good ironing board. And she's like, where's Captain's, where's the Captain's cabin, where's the Captain's cabin, where's the Captain's cabin.

You could tell this is a bad crew when we get to see Darian for the second time in a season because Darian's like, oh, it's up that way. It's like you shouldn't be back here. I'm not supposed to be on TV right now. I had my moment. I'm getting paid for this, right? So get out. Down at lunch.

The chef is making Caesar salad. And he's like, I love Caesar because I make the dressing. Wow. That's crazy. You know how to whisk a few ingredients. He's like, if they don't want fancy, why give it to him? You know, just some homemade Caesar. And then sure enough upstairs, they're like,

mountain dew and white wine. licious. Yeah, I was just about to make fun of Matt for making a Caesar salad. Not only was it a Caesar salad, but it looked very old fashioned. It looked very thick. It's very thick.

70s, right? It was like church middles and all this stuff on it. It just looked like something from an old cookbook. And I was like, oh, here we go. And he serves them and they're like, this is fabulous. I was like, okay, I mean, I'm not going to discredit that because a homemade Caesar salad is really delicious. I'm not going to say that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just, you know know the first episode has been chips and salsa. Now you're like homemade Caesar salad. Yes, he has that like that Canadian accent. So he's like, I'm going to make them a Caesar salad. Very sweetly. The best damn Caesar salad they ever had. So it's the first service in case like, okay, Jen, we're going to serve the ladies and then we're going to serve the men. And she's like, okay. So Jen walks straight to a man. So she's like, if she doesn't get ladies first, we might be in trouble.

Jen's like, here's your Caesar salad. And kids like that was a sequel. You just serve that too. Who am I to judge if someone identifies as a sequel that's up to them? Jen, you just served that to a buoy. I'm sorry. I loved your work in dark crystal. So this three hours could be three hours long, by the way. So we have more to you guys of that at the beginning.

But then meanwhile, I mean, the deck hands are no better because now they're trying to lower the tender. I think it was the tender. They're trying to lower it into the water. And basically, you guys like, he's like, okay, all you have to do is don't stand under it and we'll just use these ropes to guide it over the side. So first they all, like, they're all like under it, you know, and then like no, no, like use the ropes and bring us like I try not to be under. And then they're like the thing is like swirling

around. And like, Niko's like, um, can you please casually help me? These idiots don't understand a simple act of making sure we're pulling the ropes at the same with the same pressure. Yeah. And the captain, I think like, is it banged're pulling the ropes at the same with the same pressure. Yeah, and the captain, I think, like, is it banging the side of the yacht, by the way? He's like, well, you know, Bruno, if you and I keep the same amount of tension, it keeps the tension.

He's like, oh, tension, that's bad, right? Later, later, later, Bruno. And he's like, look, the first time I worked on the yacht was back in the 80s. You know, people were the leg warmers and sweat bands. I was so green kermit looked anorexic. I can show a new crew how to do it once. So after like after they like managed to bang the tender into the side of the yacht and captain Lee comes to see it and they get it down the water then it's just like then it's like time for like water sports with the with the

guests. So Bruno is like, he's like helping a guy get into a helmet and he's like, look, I don't know how to make, I don't know what's the rest I'm giving him. He's like, I don't know how to make Taya nots and stuff, but I can put on him, I can make people happy. I can connect with them. I'm like, well, if his helmet comes off while he is with just skiing and he dies that's going to be a problem. Yeah. He's like, don't make it uncomfortable. If it's uncomfortable, but like this loosen it, I'm like, you're going to kill him, Bruno. By the way, so I have this really amazing TV. It's a Samsung and it's HD. It is gourd. This is not an ad, by the way. But it's, but it's like, it's so crystal clear,

everything's crystal clear on it, you can see everything. Bruno has flawless skin. I like positive at one point. I was like, there is not a single flaw on his skin. Who is this man? Who is this man? Yeah, he's perfect in every way. Just don't ask him to do things because we're all going to die.

I know, but like, I don't like being, I don't like feeling body shame when I watch Below Deck and I was just like, he's perfect. I oddly enough only feel body shame when I see people who were like skinny fat and still don't work out because Bruno is that kind of goal. It's like having a goal.

I wanna be Barbie, like I'm not a girl, I'm not blonde, I'm not thin, I'm not young. Like it's just like a goal I'm never gonna have. You know what I mean? Bruno is a goal I'm not a girl. I'm not blonde. I'm not thin. I'm not young. Like, it's just like a goal I'm never going to have. You know what I mean? Bruno is a goal. I'm never going to have. Even if I work out that much, there's no way any abs are going to show through the skin sleeping bag I wear every day from being chubby my whole life. Like, I don't feel same. I just feel like, aw, you could have been reading. So then we see Jen doing laundry, which is fine. And then Kate, this is important. We get to see Kate laying down her very first crystal pebble

table scape of the season, which I appreciated. She did it nice and slow for you too. Yeah, I feel like I actually feel like that. I think that was deliberate. She was like, yeah, it, like out of the bag and So at this point now Bruno starts become hilarious. He's now he's starting to speak him a child. He's like I so hungry. I can't feel my legs. Oh Steve you know, this moving like there's so much information that you know questions can be attached to both

Crazy. Oh my god. How am I going to live like this like he's just so tired He's putting his hands on his face and just shaking his head back and forth like oh no You know captain Sandy was watching at home shaking your TV like let the boy nap let him nap Yeah, that's why I insist on guess what? Nobody loves that banana. I love that. Banana. Um, so Jen takes a drink order.

It's like chapter nine. Jen takes it. It's, it's, yeah. And it's like, what do you even watch in this? Cause the guests are such douchebags too. One of the guests goes, so is your bucket list shrinking or growing? And he's like, growing.

I definitely like to do Kilimanjaro next. OK. OK, for the trampoline park to Kilimanjaro, you go, boy. You know, you can't balance off a trampoline to the top of Kilimanjaro, right? So, um, so a guest she asks for a gin martini with olives, which is a pretty basic request, especially as below deck requests go, that's basic. I mean, everyone should be happy. It was not an espresso martini. So, Jen's like, got it. You want a diet Pepsi? No, gin, martini with olives.

Got it. Bloody Mary, maybe the absent. No, gin, martini with olives. Okay. That's me. Now she wants a cotton gin, which is weird. I don't know. You could drink one of those. No, no, no. She wants a me and tonic martini with olives. She wants to play gin, run me with olives. Can you do that? So me and tonic. Yeah. So Jen goes, she delivers the order. She's like, gin and tonic with olives, please. And Kate is like so dead at this point. Like her brain did it. She's doing all this work. She's like, okay, so she makes this gin and tonic with olives. And she's even Kate afterwards is like, there are certain things that don't go together, you know? Like gin and tonic with limes, martini with olives, not gin and tonic

with olives, you know? She's like, I should have known that, but this isn't Sesame Street. So Jen serves up this drink and the lady's like, this isn't a martini. Yeah, you know, martini is just like gin and vermouth. Yeah. Yeah. I think I'm going to really like this season of Kate because this is forcing Kate to like go into mommy mode. You know, like people who were if you who were like, I don't want to be a parent. And then they end up with like a teenager in need, like, who got kicked out of the house. They ended up raising somebody anyway. I don't know what kind of fucked up lifetime movie that I'm watching, but you know what I mean?

She's like, she's gonna have to baby these guests the whole time, because once she comes and she's like, no, she said she wanted a martini and she goes, oh, well that's a gin and tonic. Hey, a martini, let's go to the other far and find dollars. Make sure to get the skinny jar. And you just see her face like, what is this bitch going to bring back?

And Darian pretty like in here for steps. Oh, no, she lost again. But, but by the way, Jim, the captain's cabin yet, I don't know. Jen, meanwhile, when she's served up that gin and ton, she's like, Oh, I didn't make the drink. I just passed it along. I was like, listen, first of all, you get, you told Kate a gin and tonic, you can't absorb yourself of that. And that's also like, I hate that

when a waiter does that. Like, oh, sorry, I didn't just say, I'm sorry and take it back. Like don't like try to get yourself off the hook. Well, also I just passed it along. You took the order. You dumb dumb. And then you brought it back up. It's not knowing what a martini is. Yeah, she's just like, I'm just trying to find the lobby of this hotel. Yeah, and you know that the editors are actually being nice to these

people because there's a point later on the beach party where Kate's like, I'm leaving by to leave them there. And Jen is just trying to figure out how to get a cork out of a bottle. Yeah. Well, you know, like the producers were basically saying to themselves, okay, Kate was too nice last season because she was happy in this weird romance. She was in. So this season, let's just try to piss her off in every shape and matter and form whatever the phrases I can't say. Let's just do everything we can to piss her off. Mattershape form form shape form. What's that phrase? Wayshape and form. I don't what's that phrase? Wave shape and form.

I don't know. Why are you asking me? I still support. I'll support one. I'm stubborn. So the stakes come out. And I was like, OK, here's where the problem is, he's going to make some shitty ass stakes, especially

because he had to wait so long for the service. But nope, everyone like the stakes. Yep. And that already proves that theory wrong bit. So they don't guys don't even know how to make stakes because usually they don't. But he made the stakes. So then downstairs Bruno is trying to work on like a very simple knot. He's like, I can't he's like, I'm tired. I'm tired. It's so hard. I'm tired.

I like the next day. Well, the captain has a Nico discussion. Nico has had a really rough year. His brother passed away so sad. So I got to read. Yeah, me too. And I hate being sad. So Nico and Nico and Nico and he goes. Nico is so sweet. Nico is like I still try to call his phone and he doesn't pick up. I'm like I'm literally crying Nico How do you make me cry on the heels of the gin and tonic with olives? I know that's really so sad. So anyway the next morning. Yeah, breakfast the next morning when they show the clips of people waking up Kate's hair is just like she just has this look and it's right in the night vision cam. She's like just has this look and it's right in the night vision cam she's like that's her look when she gets off it's so funny she's like oh my goodness so they all are in like in the galley getting ready and then Jen shows up and kiss like oh Jen you look so cute in that uniform, but unfortunately,

if they're wrong, uniform. So could you be a darling and go downstairs and you think she's like a Disney sidekick. Oh, and Jen has that like that Rachel Dratch wide open eyes look like, huh? Yeah. She's basically Nathan Lane played by Rachel Dratch. In a Disney movie. Oh, and Kate's like, well, Brianna may not be the brightest bulb on the tree, but she knows what you uniformed to wear. So there's a start.

So then the guys are jumping off the boat. And they're like extreme, extreme. Yeah. Um, and then it's decided they're going to be doing a beach picnic. And Brianna's excited. She's like, I'm so excited. I love, I love doing a beach picnic. I'm like, well, uh, you'll be changing your tune on that pretty soon. I'm sure I've never even done a beach picnic.

And I'm exhausted every time they have to do one beach picnics. Really? Oh my god. I know, Maddo lifestyle lifestyle breaking news breaking news from the watcher crap is universe just got a notification the one and only Heidi Dylan just started following us on Twitter everyone Heidi Dylan oh she knows we're not in the zip code right we can't rank all her anymore Heidi sorry anyway back to below deck.

So now we are getting ready for the barbecue. And there's a runoff. Yeah, they're showing the canopy tent thing. And Bruno's like, what is this again? And the go canopy. And he goes, oh, canopy. And they some there's some tidling, everything that Bruno says, which is a dream come true.

I love what they do. Oh my goodness. There was also, oh yeah. So then, so then they're showing all these things like getting ready. And now we saw the first, first inkling of Matt being a crazy person because he starts, he takes this jar of pickles and he pours them out

into like a dish, but this one pickle won't come out and he goes, this motherfucker, and they just cut away. Did you see that? I didn't see him say motherfucker, but I did write down another sign, pickles in a bowl, because they could have showed anything else, but they're like, look, jared pickles. As if any chef is gonna make fresh pickles, you know?

But I thought that was probably their like, actually. Actually, yeah. I mean, pickling is, you know, probably pickles is probably Brianna. She probably has a pickling cookbook because it's like the trendy thing to do. I mean, and by the way, I, I, I pickled some, I pick a lotions. I'm not, I'm not above it.

Well, she probably pickles things because she's traveling all the time, you know, so probably pickle easy things like a pickle tuna sandwich. You never know when you're going to get hungry. She probably the type of person that says I love pickling cabbage, but then turns your nose up at kimchi. Like, Kim Chi. So they, um, that, that, that old food network bonus episode will never leave us.

I never even, who won by the way food networks start this season because I sort of, I, after um, July 4th, when I went to Orlando, I just felt like I never had time to watch it after that Do you know who won? You know some things this summer. I was like you're too stupid I would just say that to the TV intern. I couldn't after the last episode We covered where the lady made a potato salad with a can of potatoes and then crinkled up or crumbled up potato chips. I could just like that. Yeah, no more. Oh, you know who won? Oh, I'm happy about this. The guy who won was, I think it was that, um, that really dry gay guy with a crazy blazer. No, that guy wasn't dry. He was like, well, slap my bank. Call me, Matini. No, yeah, he wasn't dry. He was like, well, slap my button, call me Bittuti.

No, yeah, he wasn't dry. I meant more just like his voice would be sort of, you're right, his comedy just made sings out of every single thing. He'd be like, this is morning and mornings all about woods and matches and grass growing on the sunshine, honey. I'm like, what?

Yeah. OK, I'm happy with that. I like him. OK, honey. I was like, what? Yeah. Okay, I'm happy with that. I liked him. Okay, good. I support that. I'm just glad that helmet hair got eliminated because he was really terrible.

Yeah, there were so many terrible people. But anyway, the barbecue on the beach is happening and another sign, this chef, you know, premade burgers. Which, what else are you going to do? You can't grill on the beach, right? So of course he is, but- Can they take a little hebachi? I don't know.

I don't know, but that made me like that's gonna be like two, like, blueberry and- Wait a second. Luke Warren by the time they get there, right? Wait a second. I could have sworn in seasons past we've seen Ben grilling on the beach before. I don't know, but this-

Maybe that beach already had- I'm just worried for the- I agree, because I did not like the ratio of cheese on those burgers. I didn't know, but maybe that beach already worried me for that I agree because I did not like the ratio of cheese on those burgers I didn't But look sliders. Yeah, so let's see beach so then they're trying to do a Sorry, so while that's happening they're putting up the slide because it's gonna be sliding and Bruno has to do something and Bruno you know? Bruno reminded me of it in this point, like a video game, like an old Nintendo game,

where you don't really know how to control the characters yet. So like when you move to the right, your guy goes too far out of the right and then you know, he'll let you go too far out of the left and like he accidentally jumps when he not supposed to jump. So it's like, okay, Bruno, come on, you gotta jump down and there's like, huh? And like, Bruno, jump in the water, jump in the water.

So Bruno jumps in the water, which was hot when he came out, like with his shirt sticking to him. And then you like climbs onto the slide, like, okay. Hook at Bruno, hook at, he's like, huh, like, you're not jumping the water, jump the water, so Bruno jumps in the water, which was hot when he came out, like with his shirt sticking to him. And then he like climbs onto the slide, like, okay, hook it, Bruno, hook it. He's like, what? Huh? What? Okay, Bruno, hook it, Bruno, oh no, don't get it by the water. Up, up, Bruno, no, no, no, no, up, up, up.

Goddamn, I can't control this Bruno. And then he jumps off of it, and he goes going, stay, stay, stay. And now look, we have to stress stress this is not the boat out at sea Okay, it's right next to the it's right next to the yacht. Yeah, he's working on it And he goes like stay stay. He's swimming really hard I've been as like it is hard to understand like so much He's so hard to why would you make kind of pee?

This is too much. It's too much. Oh tired not tired. Bruno tired. Then they said Brianna jumping onto the tinder and falling and then they yes she faced plant tender the tender not the tinder. Oh the tender. Yeah, you still yell at us. Oh yeah, not the dating site like whatever. Yeah, but she well tender Never mind never running just give it up. I'm telling you. It's not the dating side. That's what that's what I think Hannah and Kate both separately have Yelded us about calling it the tinder instead of the tender. Well, let's just a starboard. It's called the dinghy Let's call the dinghy. We'll say starboard enough that over overshadows. Starboard. I still call it driving the boat. Okay. There's only so much I'm willing to learn for a TV show. Oh, this boat

is going like 15 knots. Oh, no, not. I can't do one. It's damn it. I should watch this YouTube video So they show her falling three times which is gonna which is a good sign for the editor's this season universe was guiding her You know, yeah, so Kate finally on the beach is like okay. I'm gonna leave the crew with you guys You're gonna see that bloody idiot over there is for you and the girl over there who can't work a quirk's group. Good luck. Bye. And then you just see like a dust cloud in the shape of Kate because she gets out of there

so fast. She's like flings herself onto the dinghy. She does. And she's like, Nico and I have had our issues, but trauma bonds people. So. issues, but trauma bonds people. Next next week, the island burns down under the care of all the new newbies. Good Lord. I cannot wait to see if they even make it out alive. You know, how many are going to make it out alive?

But they sure did. And thank God, because those people who are relying on that trampoline park are going to get their owners back. So good, so fun. I hope Shannon MDoor liked it because as she said on on our live show, she goes, I don't know about you guys, but I'm watching that below deck. I've always wondered what people are talking about when they're cleaning my fancy toilet. Do I like my, do I like my deck above below below? Do I like my do I like my attack above below below below?

Do I like my toilet paper shaped into a diamond with other people's fingerprints all over them? No No, I never did think about that before but if you use that that is like putting someone else's fingerprint on your butt So maybe like avoid the diamond part Yeah, I think they still have a worse Well, it's like when Matt like we tested the chicken by putting his finger on it, you know and the frying pan Oh, yeah, and he pulls everything out with his hands the stakes the hamburgers everything you know, though I don't mind. I don't mind. I mind it bugs me because after it's cooked That's not the time to be touching with your hands. Like get some tongs. You have tongs, sir. There's a lot of hands in a time for enough. Yes, but restaurant inspectors would mind. They would mind that very much.

They would also mind the cockroaches that you don't want to kill. Also, galsamans would mind. so let's keep it together. Well that brings us to the end of our first below deck. It looks like it has a great season. Everybody thanks so much for supporting us. We are going to get out of here. Yeah, like we isn't as weird as like nothing we have to advertise or say. Yeah, what the hell. Thanks a lot. I'm like is there something we have to remind people to do? I don't think so. I think we just have to say bye now. So everybody. Bye everyone. Remember Luan next week. Okay. Bye. Bye. Hey, Prime members, you can listen to Watcher Crappens Add Free on Amazon Music, download the Amazon Music app today. Or you can listen Add Free with Wondry Plus in Apple Podcasts before you go tell us about

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