Watch What Crappens - BelowDeckMed: Cold Brü

Episode Date: October 6, 2020

With the Below Deck Mediterranean season drawing to a close, Jessica and Rob's romance reaches new lows of annoyingness. Will they go to Bali together? Will he endeavor to do a sea crossing instead? And does anyone care? Well, we can definitely answer that last question. Come listen!Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappensFind bonus episodes at patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens and follow us on Instagram @watchwhatcrappens @ronniekaram @benmandelker Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Watch what crappins. Watch what crappins. Who cares what happens when there's so much that crap ends? Hello and welcome to Watcher Crappins, a podcast about all that crap on Bravo that we just love to watch. I'm Ben Mandelker of the Game Brain podcast, and joining me is a hilarious, hilarious man. Someone who I believe would never take a crossing over me. It's Ronnie Karam. What's going on, Ronnie?

Well, hello. I would never choose a crossing over you. I mean, what the hell? I don't want some ton license or whatever it is. Yeah, who wants that stupid? That's a bunch of bullshit. Bullshit. So we're talking below deck med today.

Very exciting. And I guess before we jump into it, just a reminder, you can get masks to ward off this pandemic at crappinsmerch.com. And you can also support us on Patreon by going to patreon.com slash watch what crappins. And you get access to fun stuff like our Discord channel. which has been really wonderful. A lot of discussion about recipes on there lately,

which I, of course, love. And then, of course, crap is on demand and bonus episodes. So lots of good stuff. Get involved. Be involved, okay? Get involved, okay? So today, below-deck Mediterranean opens with one of my favorite musicals. Les Miserables with One Day More,

another day, another destiny. Because Tom's in the kitchen, and he's like, One day more. And I was like, oh, Tom, you've never been so majestic. I dreamed a dream. I dreamed a dream. I wouldn't have a slice of cucumber every single fucking day on this boat.

I dreamed a dream. You didn't just shove my potatoes down the bin, you stupid moron, get out of my kitchen. Master of the galley. La la la la la la. Get out of my fucking galley. I'm the mass of the galley. So Bugs is on Alex's lap. and the mess. And there's a big plate of spaghetti on the table, which I thought was really funny, because last week, Malia told Tom,

oh my God, Tom, baby, you do so much. I mean, Kika would just send down a bowl of spaghetti for crew meal. So I guess Tom was like, seems like a good idea to me. I shall next be sending down a bowl of spaghetti for crew meal. Yeah. And then, meanwhile, there's been drummer, because in case everyone forgot, um, the last episode, ended with Jess catching Aisha, her hand grazing Rob's butt. And so Jess has just been like, you know, huffing through the boat saying like, I'm going to punch her in her face. And Rob's like, she did what now? Just try me. Just try me.

Love you. That wasn't super cool. I'm not playing that shit, Rob. Oh, fucking killer. You know what, clearly I'm not crazy because I thought Aisha was into Rob and Rob is into Aisha and this just confirmed my suspicions. Okay, so they show a picture of, of course, big white circle, circling the bot, the butt grab. And she does kind of put her hand down there, but the lady standing next to her also puts her hand on Aisha's butt because there's nowhere else

to fit her hand. So are we going to bring this lady up on charges? Come on. Yeah, I know. Exactly. So either way, Aisha and Rob leave with the guests to head on to land, to go touring around and everything. And so Aisha and Rob are on the boat together. And she's like, oh, I saw the cute note you left her in the laundry room oh and he goes my future husband leaves me notes in the laundry also he goes thank you it was some huge compliment of single letter yeah and he's like he looks for each other all the time yeah and she's like oh good boy that's sweet i'm very confused i had no idea aisha grabbed my ass i didn't feel it i have quite a sensitive bum i have a quite sensitive modeled spin because I was a model.

Being a model, I would have felt a hand on my bum. You have to be very aware of your body when you're a model, which is what I am. So they get to town and it's just like, The town is your oyster! And they go to start looking around. And, you know, back at the boat, this is a very cleaning, heavy episode. I had to stop myself a couple of times just to write like you're literally writing. down that they're cleaning. Stop. Stop taking, no, stop it. But we go back and bugs is making beds

and Jess is squidging. And then back in town, Rob was like, oh, my shorts, they're hell are tight right now. Would anyone like to look at my crotch, which I'm pulling right now? Anyone? Anyone? Model. And so then he started talking to Hannah, the primary, and he's like, so what's your ethnicity? And she's like, um, Japanese. He goes, oh, I've been to Japan. I, I lived in Japan. I lived right next to Tokyo Hotel. Modeling. And she's like, oh, are you on Instagram?

Yes. Model-model-model- model-model-model. In. Model.org. So Bugs checks on Jess. She's like, Jess, are you good?

She's like, great. Ready to get the fuck out of here. I really don't like watching Aisha grab broad ass, I'll look the fucking life out of that girl. Yeah. Jess is not someone you want to fuck around with, I feel like with a man. With, like, her man. And Bugs is like, oh, my gosh, geez.

When she gets, like, when Buggsy gets alarmed about Jess, she starts calling her gist instead. Jeez! She grabbed his ass. When did she do that, geez? She's like, well, if she's going to be fucking disrespectful, I'm not going to play that shit. So I'm trying to be calm because I'll fuck her up. You think I'm kidding? You think I'm kidding?

Huh? Do I look like I'm kidding? Do I look like I'm kidding? Well, you are juggling some balls while you're talking right now. Oh, sorry. I used to work in a circus. So back in town. Wait, can I just say also there was a moment with Malia and Tom,

where Malia once again gets her weird British sort of affectation, and she goes up to him in the kitchen and she's like, Are you going to go for a snooze, Tom? and he's like, perhaps. And so then she hugs him from behind. He goes, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, you can't hug me. You can't hug me. Stinker.

You're a stinker. You're a stinker. You are. So back in town, they're at a bathing suit shop or whatever, and Aisha and Rob C, a gelato place. So she's like, Gillado, I'm keen on that. Can I get one, please?

Can I get one cup? of after it, please. Which somehow, like, he's the only person who can make gelato seem unappetizing. I'd like a cup of after eight. You know, I used to eat a lot of gelato because of modeling.

I was a gelato model back in the day. They used to call me banana split. A rival from Benin Jerry's modeling campaign used to just call me not ice cream. They would say, hello. Not

ice cream. It really hurt. It really got me in my feelings. There was a period of time in 2013 where Hagenas thought they could get into menswear, so I was the model, the face of Haghendars Andes, and fortunately never took off

but I do have a lifetime supply of Hargandars. I'll always have access to you because of modeling. So Aisha gets her ice cream cone and she's like, That's insane. Lick it! Lick there! And last week last week I said she was licking his turkey stick.

I thought they were carrying around like big old turkey legs or something like the Renfair. But no, I'm glad to see that it was just an ice cream count. It tastes like condensed meal. It's so good. Did you just call yourself dense? Ha, ha, ha.

Oh, I love that. That's my favorite kind of comedy. Favorite kind of comedy. saying like condensed sounds like dense. Well, you're on the right show then. Because we do it all the time. All the time. All the time.

I'm like condensed milk. So Asia is basically like, it's really cool because I get to actually hang out with Rob and talk to him normally because normally Jess is always watching and so she can't really be herself around Rob. But now that they're alone, she can get to know Rob on a friend level. Yeah, and have sparkling conversation like this. What's your favorite food in the world?

Meat? And he's like, yes. Great talk, guys. It's more of a category, but that's fine. So Malia and Bugs are in the kitchen, and Mali is like, what is even going on right now? Not baby. And Bugs, he's like, apparently he grabbed Rob's bum and she saw, and she just said, oh, fuck her up. And I feel slightly afraid.

Yeah. Yeah. And basically, Bugs. He's like, I need jeez to be in a happy place, otherwise it's going to affect the whole crew. So Malia then goes and tells Tom, and he's like, oh dear, oh dear. I don't know why I wrote that down.

I guess I think it's just funny that Tom might be like, oh dear, when he is the one who creates actually the most drama on the boat these days. Yeah, but he's on very good behavior today, Tom. He's like, I cannot believe how I've acted in the past. I had to say to myself, was this how a chef for the Queen Mother would act? No. So here I am. Anything you'd like Queen Mother?

Yeah, pretty much. So then there's like a scene of like Malia and Alex rolling up a slide and then Bugsy is like... Alex, Alex, Bugsy, are these your cherries you left on the table? Shall I bring them up to you? Fun banter. Yeah, we get some cherry banter. and I have to say this is a part of the season where I was like, okay, wrap it up. Wrap it up.

That's treated like a slide and wrap it up. Time to wrap it up, guys. Well, no one's ever cared about Bugsy and Alex, and I fully believe, I blame Pete for this because I feel like the Bugsy and Alex content was shoehorned into this to make up for the void of Pete being fired midway through because truly no one cares about Bugsy and Alex and their low-grade romance. Yeah. And so then we go back to, well, then Bugs goes down to Jess, and she's like,

geez, how you seem heated? You maybe need to talk a doubt without fucking someone up, as you would say. So I'll send you one break. She's like, yeah, I'm fucking furious. I'm going to fucking murder someone right now. Ow! I just got my hand stuck in the door again. So Aisha loses the guests.

Which is funny. It's like, should we go find them? So Bugs is talking to Jess again. She's like, yeah, go on break so we don't get jiu-jitsu. And she's like, oh, that would be Moy Thai. I got into Moytai to release my aggressor, like, without going to jail. And then, which, by the way, I'm not sure getting into Mouetai prevents you from going to jail, but, you know, here's the dreaming. No kidding.

Yeah, now you don't just slap someone. You kill them. Yeah, exactly. So then Bugsie goes to dock to get new provisions. She gets some wireless headphones. But not any fresh halibut, huh? You have room to get some headphones. You get a headphone.

How about it a halibut that doesn't come served in ice? I said I wanted on eyes. Not in eyes. Has it so hard to get a bloody fresh fish around here. I quit, mother. I'll bet you took the temperature on the bloody headphones, didn't you? Didn't she? Let me guess.

They brought those headphones in a hot car, didn't they? Didn't they? So Pete takes her in the tender over to the dock to get the wireless headphones, and it's the poor fish lady. It's not the fish lady again? I mean, what is she just working like an Amazon warehouse of shit that they send over? I'm just like questioning, you know, everything makes sense. Like now the issue with the fish makes sense because they are getting their provisions from like a best buy grocery. restore.

That's not a good place for fresh fish. Yeah, she's like, enjoy these. You would hear very well out of these lobster tails. This is trying to unload all this stuff they sent back. So the captain helps someone unload the boat, which I don't know why I wrote that now. She said, gosh, what do you think I'm here for? Come on the way. So then Aisha is talking to Rob on the way back, and she's like, so you've been bordling for nine years?

And it's like, yes, my mother found it for me. Yeah. Because basically his mother found it for him, I guess, when he was like one or something. And she goes like, oh, when she saw your bone structure? He's like, yes, when I got trapped in her vagina. Like, oh, let's work on the comic timing a little bit, Rob. She did a cagull right there and squeezed your cheeks. Oh.

And she tells us, he has a tortured soul. He reminds me with the scissors hands a little. But you know, without the scissors or the style or the potential sex appeal. I'd be like Rob, like, here's why Rob annoys me, because he is so, like, he is so deliberately affected to be the tortured soul. He's one of those people that's, like, like, I don't think he's, I guess he's sort of tortured. He definitely has trauma in his past. but like when he talks about being guarded or like he's in his head or his heart

he doesn't open himself up very much it kind of feels like it's a persona he's adopted because it makes him seem more mysterious and like at the end it's like you're a model fuck boy basically like he's modeling compassionate language would you say I'm now a compassionate language model I'm in my head I'm in my head

when I was a child I used to watch that show Herman's head over and over again I thought who's in my head. Are there four wacky strangers in there? Do you remember that show? Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. I don't like people who use that, that, like, compassion language. It bothers me, because I feel like people who talk like that have gotten in so much trouble that they've learned to talk in a certain way so that they get in less trouble. Like, you're being a dickhole in a relationship. So instead of saying, like, fuck you, you say, well, you've heard me deeply,

and I'm in my head about it. And it just buggy. me. It's like it confuses everything. You know, just say, just speak. Well, it's sort of like it, um, it like neutralizes anything that you would try to say because like now they're like a delicate husk and you can't, you can't like anything that you would say like any like val any valid point that you would have gets neutralized by this, oh, but I'm in my head. I'm hurt. I'm vulnerable. And then all of a sudden you can't say what you wanted to say because then they're, they may crumble into a thousand

pieces and it's kind of just like some fuckery. Yeah. So then speaking of fuckery, the captain is looking at the headphones. She's like, what are these for? And Bugs puts one on and starts dancing around. She's like, there's nothing on there. What are you dancing to your own tune? That's funny.

Hey, you know, I actually have my own tune. It goes like this. Do do, do, do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do. Oh, wait. I just started doing electric slide. Wait, I have my own tune. It goes like this. Do do do do do do do.

Oh, Star Wars. Wait, wait. New tune coming in. It goes, do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do. Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do. Do do do do do do do do do do do do. Oh wait. That's growing pains.

Okay. Here I got I got I got my own tune. Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do. Mary time law, that's why you're fired. Mary time law. That's why you fired. Do do do do do do do do do do do do do. Oh wait, perfect strangers.

God. Now this one's not a tune, but I like big butts and I cannot lie. Can I have that one? So the guests are coming back. And Sandy's like, oh, party's over. Everyone's coming back. And so the women are, the guests are all ready for the tender, et cetera, and they're standing. And Rob has his backpack on, and they're joking that he looks like he's wearing Lederhosen with it.

And so they're like, like, Rob, Rob, you should yodel or whatever. And he's like, all right, I can do a little yodeling. Yodel, yodel, yodel, yodel, yodel, yodel. They're like, oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Are you a bottle?

So back on the boat, Tom wants to take an app. So it's like, I'm going down. So I'm going to write my name on the board. I'm going down. Don't bother me with any of your fuckery. Love Tom. I pre-sliced all the cucumbers, and I've put out an avocado just in case you idiots. Can't do it to yourself.

And this is when he says, I want to get my shit together. I'm not proud of how I have acted, mother. And then clips of him just acting like a fucking crazy man. Yeah. Yeah, he's just saying like, you know, we all have bad days, especially when the people around us can't be relied on to do simple tasks. We have very bad days. But I kind of realized that I wouldn't want Malia to see any negative spin-off from me having a bad day. I'd like to reserve that for when we get home and we don't have cameras on ourselves. And troubles are brewing because back on the Tinder, the guests are like, we want snacks. I'm starving. I'm so starving. I've never seen thin people who like eat this much. Normally, I'm used to Bravo where all the thin people are like, I'm not eating, man, are you crazy?

I'm not eating. Right. I'm never eating. But these thin people keep it off and they just go all day. I'm jealous. All day. All day eating. So Tom has just gone down for a snack and now they have to like wake him up.

It's like, oh, no. They have to wake up Tom. And so, of course, like Bugsie goes and he's like, Tom, they want snacks. like, oh, fuck me. Fuck me. What? So they return, and Malia's like, um, are you guys ready for sun and water stuff?

And Z's like, um, snacks. I need snacks. Oh, how are your hunger levels? High. They're high. I need snacks. Like, feed C, feed her. Feed her quickly.

She wants to seize her salads. So Tom's like, it's so fucking shit. Don't make a salad. How, who would have thought that I have to feed these guests when they come back approximately about lunchtime after walking around all day. What the fuck is wrong with these people? And Malia's like, Impeccable timing, honey, baby.

And he's like, I've got a solid five minutes in. And so she squeezes each of his little butt cheeks. I guess just seeing, just testing the Jess anger to see like how flirty this really is. She's like, how bad is this squeezing a butt cheek? Hmm. Not really seeing it. Commercials.

Here comes one right now. So they put out water toys and Bugs runs the food. And she's like, is that bacon on there? Because I don't eat bacon. And... Darn, durn. Bacon drama. So Bugsie actually takes on this for herself because she's like...

It's like, well, it's my fault that I didn't tell Tom that she doesn't eat bacon or beef. But... I'm like, well, no, but it's also Tom is the chef and he has to know. He knows he was supposed to study these preferences. So it's not your fault, Bugsie. And she's like, sorry, Tom. And Tom is not delivering today, you know? I mean, I know we call Tom an asshole all the time, but it's because he's an asshole.

So you have to be an asshole, Tom. You can't just be an asshole for like three weeks and then come on here and start being all nice. Like what the hell? This is like the home stretch. I need to see you throw a pan, Tom. Well, he's not like that he's being nice. It's more that he's just being like, like indoor voice asshole. because when Buggie's like,

she doesn't eat bacon, Tom's like, well, why didn't she say it before? Why don't she say it before? I mean, what am I supposed to do? Just read minds? Is that what I'm supposed to do? Like some tarot card reader on the side of the street in rags,

asking for $5 to read your mind? Is that what I'm supposed to do, mother? Be an average mind reader. You know what I say to that? 24601! That's how many seconds that do I get off the stupid boat. And they give him even the chance

to fuck up nachos, and he doesn't even fuck up the nachos? Come on, Tom. I need some delivery. from Tom today, okay? The nachos did look weird to me when he was making them. I was like, what is that? And then he puts them up there, and then they're like, did he use barata on the nachos? And then they're like, but it tastes great. And I was like, damn it.

I know. What a way to end this season. Come on, guys. So they decided to have a sunset cruise, and Tom asked that they're happy. And she's like, super. And I was like, okay, well, thanks for wasting my time show. So now, uh, Jess and Aisha are in the galley. And she's like, hey, girlfriend. How was you break? And Jess just is like, oh, like not speaking, but like making loud noises to show she's capable of making noise. But she just won't form that noise into words to address Aisha's question.

So Aisha just kind of ignores it and goes about her business. And Jess is like, um, hey, I just want to get something off my chest for a second. Um, don't, don't, don't, we go to commercial. And then we come back and she's like, earlier when you guys like took group, photos, your hand went from his backpack to grabbing his ass. What? Are you serious? I don't remember touching his ass.

And she's like, oh, she says, I'm sorry. It was just me being stupid. Just, I agree. I think it's a mad disrespectful, sorry. Sorry. And then she's like, well, you know what? He's wearing a pink, big backpack. And there's the only one place I've got.

to put for my hand to rest on it. It's not like he has a particularly majestic butt. It's not like I'm getting off on it. Like when I stick my finger up, me bomb. Ooh, yeah. Yeah, but it just really upset me. Like, in your position, you know, like, someone's in a relationship.

Like, it's disrespectful. Yeah, and she's like, well, to you, I mean, in my group of friends, it's not really. I just don't think about it, I guess, because we're all pretty chill people who are like, more or less pretty cool. you know what I'm saying, sorry.

And then we see clips of last season with everybody, like, touching each other's dicks and stuff. Yeah, like, looking at each of those. And then we cut back and she's like, well, it bothers you, so I won't do it anymore. It's like, yeah. She's like, but, like, for me, if someone touched my boyfriend's ass, I literally couldn't give two shit.

And she's like, um, yeah, well, I'm not that type. Yeah. Well, and you've told me, so now I won't do it again. And she's like, well, when I'm in a relationship, it's not a free-for-all for everyone to grab something. And Jess, like, stumps off, like, bitch, back the fuck up anyway. Oh, my God, I'm just so high school. Very territorial. I'm going to cut that girl's ass.

Shut up. Go clean the toilet. I know. It's like being, like, so territorial over, like, a piece of garbage floating in the sea. Yeah. It's like fighting over a straw on a turtle. nose. Like, guys. So all the ladies are in love with Alex and they're talking about how cut he is. And Emily is like, um, Alex, if you could keep working, that would be great. And

then it cuts to the captain watching and she's like, God, I love her. So proud of her. God, so proud of her. Do do, do, do to do do do do to do. Oh, Mr. Belvedere. So one of the ladies comes into the galley to ask for more champagne, and Tom still doesn't get mad. This show's just taunting me at this way. I know. What a letdown. What a letdown. And then Malia, like, checks in on Tom, like, in his, and he's still, like, napping, I guess, in another scene, and Malia checks in to make sure he's okay, and he's like, ha, blah, blah, it's like being, like, aggressive snuggling, and he's like, you are salty. You are very salty, you little wanker, Oh, salty wanka.

Salty stinker. She's like, oh, well, we just have one dinner left, and I want the best for Tom. I mean, I've got my job and my heart on my shoulder. Shut up with this. Shut up with this. I'm still sticking it from you. Yeah, you've got epaulets on your shoulder, which means focus on your job. Yes.

So Alex and... Why did I write Alex and Hannah? Who's he talking to? Hannah's the primary. Well, there's like some kneeboarding. It's like, oh, Hannah and Z. You're going to go kneeboarding. and it's kneeboarding fun kneeboarding

that's a fun thing to do yeah and then Asia asked Jess to help her make a greyhound and she's like what is that I am and then Bugs calls her sister Stephanie and she tells us how she got her two siblings

into it because she's the older siblings so everybody just wants to be like her and then I'm like you know what I'm feeling right now that your brother's hot so yeah she got a hot brother yeah hot hot brother so Bugsy feels like in a way Jess is like a little sister to her or something and I'm like well just so you know

maybe you should check it on your little sister then because uh Jess has been doing shots this entire afternoon because it keeps cutting to her doing shots alone in the galley you may want to check it on your your little sister yeah um before Mary time log gets on board so uh Jess is smoking on the front of the day in the smoking spot and uh Rob comes over and she's like did you go to good knob he's like yes well I was in my head too much of course I napped inside my head. It was strange. I had to crawl up into my own ear and then go to sleep,

but it was too difficult in my own head where I was modeling. He's like, what's wrong? He's like, this shift in energy, it's hurting me. Why does it keep happening? It makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong. Well, you are doing something wrong. I guarantee it. So Jess is like, well, every situation is always being turned back into it's hurting you.

It's hurting you. So instead of acknowledging me and my hurt, you just don't want to let it go. Well, in past relationships, I've been monitored the whole time because people don't trust who I am. They just say, walk, walk, chin up, now look deeply into me.

And I do it, click, click, click, click. Every relationship. And what's going to happen when we're out of here and we're out and about and someone talks to me? What are you going to do? Get mad. And she's like, yes. I'm looking forward to that.

Every relationship, people don't trust me. I mean, it's almost as if they act as if I'm just some model slash fuckboy who flirts with every woman he can because it fills a void in him psychologically. And when he's called out on it, he then says that he's guarded and hurt and in his own head. Why? Why do people not trust me? Well, like a bitch just literally grabbed your ass and you can't just say, you were right, babe. Like, she was flirting with me. Instead, you're acting like it's not a big deal.

And he's like, oh, I can't do jealous. Well, then maybe you're good for Aisha because she said that if you were her boyfriend, she wouldn't even care if I grabbed her ass. Can I not be friendly with Aisha? Yeah, you can be friendly with her. Yeah, and that's why she feels free to grab your ass. I don't want to question things anymore.

I want to be able to share an ice cream cone or specifically a gelato cone with someone like Aisha and not have you getting mad. Oh, by the way, I did do that. I licked an ice cream cone that Aisha gave me. She'd kill him. So Bugs sees that Jess has not been doing anything. She hasn't even started clearing the table or anything.

And so she's super frustrated. She's like, she's supposed to be working. I just thought there might be a little glimmer of hope in the last charter, but I guess not. Gis, just, just, boogs. Just, just, geez. And then Jess and Robbers, like, having their stupid fight. And then, like, Alex and the guests, like, walking by and like catch them while they're in their fight.

So it's like, commercial. And they're like, hi, guys. And they start taking selfies and stuff. Yeah. And then when it comes back from the commercial, Rob's like, I just want to be fun and free. Like, Rob, you have never been fun and free. Like those are two words that have never come to mind in describing you.

Just is like, yeah, so you and her would be a great match sign. Make me in the taunting room, geez. And then the girls are taking selfies. And Jess is like, Jesus, fuck. cry so one fucking spot i can't i can fucking like be myself oh yeah so she goes to her room and slams the door to cry the guest invaded her like sulking area her sulking corner smoking and sulking corner yeah so now she's like crying in her cabin now and then the girls all line up to uh jump in the water they're gonna do like a big photo we're all four of them like jump in at the same time and they're like Alex's like

all right one two and then like one girl backs out and then the other ones get like confused and it's just like this terrible, totally unsynchronized jump in the water. Yeah. And then bugs, you know, pulls Jess aside for a talk. And the captain comes out and sees the guys doing the slide. And she goes, are you just putting out the slide now? He's like, we're taking it down, actually. So.

Oh, okay. Okay. That reminds me of this one song. It goes, do, do, do, do, do do do do. Oh, Tom Steiner. Yeah. It's an actual do-to-so song. Bugs basically gives just the lecture.

She's like, Now listen, I know my Barrette say love and fun, but I'll get one that says work if it helps you remember that you're here to work now. Do your work, girl. Yeah, I want to have a good final charter. How else we get a good tip. So I want you to just jump straight on cabins.

If someone says, I need a potato, you say, I'm going to the cabins. If someone says, I need a nail clipper, you say I will get you that right after you go to cabins. I want everything to be in the cabins. Now, I just want to end on a strong note. And Jessica goes, well, good. I mean, as long as the communication is good.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, ma'am. This is not a moment where you're, like, supposed to have an opinion about something. You're doing a shitty job, do a better job, and stop walking around whining about some fucking man, okay? That's exactly right. Go do your job.

So then Rob was talking about he goes to talk to the captain, And he's like, I just feel, I feel untreated. I feel the jealous side of things. Well, we have one more night, which means that you have like basically 18 hours to get your shit together. You know what I mean? So like, I don't know why you're talking to me right now. I mean, I guess everything's just sort of magnified since you're in this enclosed environment that you're about to be out of for 18 more hours in 18 hours. So just really, bro?

Yeah. You can't hold on. She's like, he says, well, it's making me feel like I'm doing something wrong. She's like, well, are you? Only you can answer that. Now, let me tell you, if you went to interrupt your captain while she was eating Cheerios, would you be doing something wrong? Yes or no?

I guess so. Good answer. Okay. You want to do a sea crossing? Yeah. You're the kind of help I need. You want to do a sea crossing, yes or no? If my captain is in her own head while she's eating those.

Cheerios. Is it still the same answer? Do do do do do do do do do. And you shake it all about? Finally, someone understands my song. Thank you, Rob. All right. Thank you. Do, do, do, do. Sorry, that was a, that was zombie by the cranberries.

You know that song that goes, in my head, in my head. Yes, I do. How did you know my song? So she tells him that there's a crossing that he can do and basically telling him like, this girl's making you crazy. Fuck Bali and just do the sea crossing, you know, and get like concentrated on your career. And she's like, you know, couples let their energy get in the way and that can affect the team. So I'm breaking up this couple.

Yeah. Just watch me. So now this is the moment where the girls jump off and they have their bad photo. Sorry everyone who was really concerned about the timing about that. And then the ladies afterwards are like, we want three espressoes and a margarita. And we want it skinny. We don't want it skinny. We want it fat.

We want it fat. So then someone, I forget who they tell this to you, but then they go tell Tom and Tom's. Oh, no, they tell it to Tom. He's like, oh, oh, that's funny, mother. That's very funny. A non-skitty. A fat margarita. A fat margarita.

Okay, two espresso and one full fat margarita. Okay. She doesn't want it skinny because she wants to poke up. Oh, mother, mother. Wait till you hear about this. There's a full-fat Margarita. This is all turned around. Oh, we're real Graham Norton over here.

So then Aisha's on the phone with one of her friends from home. She's like, Oh, when people great drama, she said, I touched his eyes. I was like, what? I don't even remember doing it. She said it's disrespectful. It's suffoked. And then her friend's just like, like, she's a weirdo. Yeah.

So Rob goes to Malia because he didn't get enough emotional support, I guess, from the captain. This guy. It's like, oh, my God. So he goes, start a journal. You know what I mean? Like, I do not want to hear this at work. So he goes up to Malia and he's like, we had quite an argument, Jess and myself. She's like, I don't even understand.

Like, how many arguments is this? Well, it will be okay in Bali. Have you and Tom ever fought? Oh, you know, just like. like once or twice, just like drunk of things, you know, where he called me a little imbecile and tried to throw me in the bin and said, you're just like a potato now, right? And I was just like, Tom, you're drunk. But otherwise, no. And you know what, to be honest, if she asks this way when people are watching, I mean, how is she acting when no one is watching? You mean like when she's in my head?

Please don't sing Captain Sandy's song. She's been singing that all day long. It's been making me crazy. in more her Zombie Zombie Modeling Ling Ling That's the lyric right Well you know

She may have been difficult But she's also shown me a good woman as well She's like Oh God, whatever Busy Too busy to listen to this She showed me a good woman And I've already texted her

To see if she wants to hang out So now it's time to change into blacks Chained to Blacks And Bugsy comes in With her espressoes And Mardi Knock, knock, ladies, hello, I've got your espresso and full fat margaritas. So, uh, on their, on the little boat.

They're going like a sunset cruise. Yeah, they're on the sunset cruise, yeah. And so the ladies are all talking about Alex. And they're like, um, Alex, who are you dating? He's like, no one. Emily says, well, he's trying to. He's really into cougars. Rude.

And that's rude. I know, ma'am. He's like, And he says that he's been courting, Malia's like, well, he's been courting Bugsie for the last two weeks. And the Hannah, the primary is like, well, you just made half the girls here really upset. Parkour! Yeah, you know, if that doesn't work out, I'm going to marry your milk. So then Bugs is setting the table, and Tom is like, I'm so pumped and relieved to think it's the final dinner.

I'm coming out, organs blazing. Yeah. Gross. No, he said all guns blazing, not organs. But I thought he said organs at first, too. No, don't worry. It sounded like he said organs. Oh.

So he's like, he's like, I'm going to make waggy fillet. I'm going to make a slowly cooked steak, braised something or another that I can't understand. And you know what? You can't fail with it. You absolutely can't. It's like my mother said, you can't fail with this. So don't fuck it up again, you dummy.

That's exactly how I feel about this dinner. Who doesn't love cheeks? So, welcome back. This is so boring. That's my note. So Rob is talking to David, the first mate. I know. David gets a first mate scene.

Yeah. And David's like, so I'm going to do the crossing. Are you going to do the crossing as well? And Rob's like, nor decided. I was going to go to ballet. But if I do the crossing, is that sea time enough for the license? And what do you think about being in one's head? And are you a hugger?

Can one do a crossing while being in their own head? Is that possible? Could you imagine being stuck at sea for days at a time with no one else to talk to but Rob? It's like a downer in an Oscar movie. It's like you wake up every day and there's Rob. The ocean's so vast. We haven't seen land in days and days. I can't help but feel like the land is in my head.

Oh, it's in my head. David, when you asked me to put down the anchor like that in the middle of the ocean, it hurt. It hurt me deeply. when those dolphins were following our boat and then they stopped following that hurt so he can get his 200-ton license and david's like well i need to check insurance and payment i need to know for certain because i don't want to get people to jump through hoops if you are not going to do the crossing and then they cut to Alex in the interview and he's like yeah you know what he should probably go to like indonesia some shit to meditate and serious and the producers

Like, uh, Bali isn't Indonesia. He's like, well, you sound like an asshole, Alec. Yeah, yeah. So then we, uh, it's nighttime and bugs is telling Jess to go into laundry. And then, so Jess is in the laundry room and but Rob is there also and they're like, there's like awkward silence. So Jess is like, mm, you good? He's like, what's that? You good?

So getting ready. That's like their interaction. Yeah. So the guests are taking forever to get ready for dinner. And Tom's like, waiting, waiting, waiting. Half the job is waiting. Garnishes potatoes. Stupid fat margarita.

God damn it. Don't the stupid fat margarita gets a wolf. What is this, what's even the point of waiting? If you know that half it's just going to go into bin anyway, these stupid idiots, what's going to happen next? I'll tell you what's going to happen next. They're going to send back all that food and say, could you fry this a little bit? Could you fry it? Pouching and fried. Pouching and fried. Can you believe these things? There's a world that we live in. It's crazy.

So Aisha passes Rob and she's like, hello. Hello, Robert. He's like, I apologize. For whatever happened before, I'm being sad right now. Will you offer to hug me? She's like, yeah, I didn't know that was the thing. I'm sorry though. He's like, I'm sorry too. I'm sadly hitting this shambi up against and still no hug. Who must I go to to get out of my head? this is going to be a long crossing but at least Jill Hennessy will be at the end of it's like no that's crossing Jordan that's a different different show entirely oh dear if only we could bring some law and order into this situation

no also that's a different Jill Hennessy show it doesn't work that way well so it's 9.17 p.m. and the ladies still aren't there but hey here they come everything's okay guys. So the ladies are like, so do you guys have like a peek and pit? What does that mean? She said, do you guys have a peek and a pit? It's like the rose and the thorn game. Oh, so one lady is like, a peak and a pit. A peak and a pit. A peak and a pit. A peek and a pit. So one lady is like, well, I'll tell you my peak or maybe it's my pit. I just can't tell. I could not be more mom. I'm so mom. And they're like, yeah, we know. Boring face.

And I was like, I know what your pit is. Alex's going for Bugsy. So then Rob offers to help with Turn Down. And he's like, I like doing the diamond. So we see him in there folding the toilet paper into a little diamond. Like, now if I were to tell you I was in my head, would you hug me, toilet paper diamond? No. I guess I'll just go on with it then.

Isn't it ironic? Here I am in my head while I'm actually sitting in. the head. Hopefully, I'll go on the crossing and get our head. I wonder if there'll be room for my Jill Hennessy poster when I go on this crossing. He just has like a low-level obsession with Jill Hennessy from... He's like, I first fell in love with Jewel Hennessy in 2005 when she was last on television. So then the food is delivered

And one of the girls was like Oh my God, it's Aisha! And she's like, hi, girlfriend! Oh, what another thing that's happening is that Tom is plating snapper. And so he's like, Malia, will you come here and help plate this for me? So she's like ladling on stuff, like some sort of sauce or dressing onto the snapper or whatever. And which again, it's like, remember she wasn't supposed to be in the galley? but the food goes up

Hi girlfriend And everyone loves it And they're loving this experience Everyone's just like having the best time Except for Z who just looks like bored to death on this at this table And then Sandy's just watching Tom and Malia in the kitchen

Because Malia again was helping out And Sandy's like Oh hey You make a nice little stew chef Malia You really do You know what In spite of everything yesterday Malia still doing her jab on deck

She's killing it. It reminds me of that one song. It sort of goes a little bit like this. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. Oh, wait, that, that's just Morse code. So Malia wants to be a captain, and she has a lot to learn, and I'm going to help her. So then the main is being delivered, and the music. stops and she's like, is this beef?

I don't eat beef. Don, don't, done, done. So Aisha brings the beef down to Tom and she's like, oh, Z doesn't eat beef. He goes, oh, shit. Oh, I think I got a piece of chicken back here

behind all the sliced cucumbers and know what I need to serve. That's okay, honey. Honey, it's okay, honey. He's like, I don't need to make excuses for it. I can only strike. to do my best.

Hopefully she won't hold it against me. And if she does, I'm going to stand in front of the castle and start myself on fire. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, wow. Love that song. Game of chicken bones. Love that. What a great show.

Look at him coming through with that chicken at the last second. So Z loves her chicken Do do do do Can I get an amen Anyone? Like literally a VHS of amen That's going on my head right now Tom's like well you just sort of take it for granted When they eat dairy after saying they don't eat dairy

And then when they eat gluten after they don't eat gluten I mean I shouldn't have taken it for granted Even though she's an income poop That changes the mind every two seconds And has no allergies to everything God damn it, mother! You know it's like when your mother says that she's proud of you But you can see the rage in her eyes

that she's actually so massively disappointed and wish you weren't even bored in the first place where our holocaust him to lies. That's what life is. One big, giant lie. And you know what? I won't have it anymore. I won't have it anymore. Here's your flat. So Aisha is like, he apologizes profusely. And so he's like, tell him to get his act together.

Just kidding. Yeah. Oh, I thought it was serious. Sorry, Aisha. I want you to tell the chef that he did such a terribly amazing job. I feel free.

So then they're getting the headphones prepared. Rob is helping like unfurl the headphone chords or whatever. And he's with Jess. And he's like, story of my life, recoiling hoses. If that is the story of your life, then I'm very sad for your biographer. Wild, wild hoses. So Jess is like, you get so frustrated and he's like, oh, I have a lot of patience. When you want to, what does that mean? It means you have a lot of patience when he want to.

Fine. That's fine for fuck's sake. Oh God. They're so terrible. They're terrible. Make it stop. So now the guests are ready to party and here's the bane of my existence, the silent disco. So they're getting ready for silent disco time. But first, Malia and Tom are kissing. And Leah's like, it's okay. And he goes, Tom's like, well, these sort of things really get me down, you know? That's get me down. But I don't, when I serve steak to someone who doesn't want to eat steak,

it just reminds me of being a little child and serving my mother of my first batch of homemade yogurt. And she says, I don't eat dairy. And she threw it in my face. And I had to wear that yogurt to school for three full days before I learned my lesson, mummy. Honey, you're fine. It's not like it was an allergy or something. Okay, this show needs to stop with couples because I cannot watch fucking terrible couples.

There's three terrible couples. Three. I can't. I know. Terrible. Terrible, terrible. Oh, my God. Speaking of terrible couples, so now Jess is, she's told she can go to bed.

So she, like, goes into her bedroom, but, like, sighs her way. And she's like, oh. I'm like, just go into your bunk at this point. We don't even care about the size. So then they do the silent disson. go and Aisha is not silent at all the whole time. She's like, oh, for! Yeah, this is so funny.

They basically just kept the mic on her. So you just hear her, like, panting and, like, laughing a little bit. She's like, huh. Oh. Oh. It's good. I love this song.

And I love her. She doesn't care. this chart, like that this whole thing sucks for her because she's just going to have fun anyway. Like, she parties. She has fun. And she's like, I'll never have to clean a toilet again after this. And she's like taking selfies of herself because like there's no friends to take selfies with. I know. She basically was like me when I went to club med in 2010. And I was like, well, I'm just going to pretend like I've got friends here because it's just me right now. Yeah. So, because I was with my family and everyone went to sleep. When every day feels like a

Silent disco. Silent disco. I wake up and you're not by my side. So it's morning and Rob gets out of bed. And Jess is like, why are you getting up? I'm like, it's morning. That's what happens. It's part of the process when you wake up

and have a job to do. And he goes, Because I'm getting tested every five minutes. I'm not testing you every five minutes. It's like, Just drop it, okay? I'm in my head, and that's where I'll be modeling. We're making a conscious effort to hurt one another.

She's like, yeah? Well, that's what you continue to do. I'm not doing this shit. Like, you're fucking my heart. Like, you're going to blow shit out of proportion. Jess, you stomped around the whole boat yesterday, threatened to kill somebody, and then, like, was horrible to him all day. Give me a break, lady.

Yeah, I mean, there's no beginning and there's no end to it. it. She was ridiculous about it. She was super ridiculous. And he was like, that's ridiculous. And so then you're like, okay, I'm sort of on Rob's side because she's being crazy. But then he draws it out. He's like, I'm in my head. I'm so hurt. So she's like, well, can't I express my hurt? And then now he starts giving her the silent treatment. And then now she goes from being hurt to being like, but what about me? What about me? And it's just like, they're so awful. They're horrible. He's like, I'm triggered. I have been triggered. And I cut off completely. And I told you I would give this one shot, but I'm better alone, and I don't want to run away from this, but, and she's like,

at this point, I'm scared to love you anymore. He's like, well, that's on you. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do to do. Sorry, guys, thought this moment called for a little Bonnie Ray. I can't make you love me if you don't. Also, there's a little bit of spill upstairs rap, so could you get to that? I'm guarded. I set traps, and, once you trigger that trap, you're out. It's a sad way to live, but that's what it is. I'm like, leave that. I don't have a fuck.

Truly like the worst version of Saw we've ever seen. It's like, guess what, guys? Jigsaw is just like some codependent guy who used to be a model. I set traps. You got trapped. Now you're going to have to listen to Rob complain about being in his head or Jessica complained about being hurt by something. You have to kill someone or else you have to hear about my modeling days for the next three hours.

So he marches over to David's, well, march. I mean, he shuffles over to David's door and it's like, knock, knock. David, I think I'm in. And then Jess is like, crying in the bathroom. Oh, my God. I'm in for the crossing. Oh, gosh. Please go on your crossing.

Please cross. Cross away from here. Well, that brings us to the end of Blow Dick, Mediterranean, everybody. Hon'I, Hon'I, Hon'I, Hon'I. Well, next week is the season finale, and then we'll have some reunions. And then, Rick, Classic Blowdeck is back, actually pretty soon in about a month. So back to Captain Lee without Kate, which is going to be a little weird. But, you know what?

We will go on. We will go forward. We will just keep on, keeping on, okay? Thanks for being here, everybody. We'll talk to you next time. Bye, everyone. Watch what crappins would like to thank its premium sponsors. Ain't no thing like Allison King.

Ashley Savoni, she don't take no baloney. Dana C. Dana do. She's not just a Sheila. She's a Daniela. Itchels. Let's run some errands with Emily Arons. Aaron McNicholas.

She don't miss no trickulis. Hava Nigelah Weber. Jamie, she has no less namey. Sipped some scotch with Jessica Trotch. Just saying, okay? Higher than high res. She's Lauren Perez. Megan Berg, you can't have a burger without the burg.

You don't touch the Nikki Morgan letters. One day you're Rachel's in, the next day you're out. He makes us squee, Richie Dee. There ain't no problem that Sarah Solvia can't solve you. Shannon better than Kyle Richards. The Bay Area Betches. Betches. And our super premium sponsors. Nancy's Cis and Assisto.

Let's rev our pistons for Amanda and Kristen. Better than Tabuli. It's Annie and Julie. Let's give them a kiss. It's Austin and Marissa. Somebody get us 10 Cs of Betsy MD. We're taking the gold with Brenda Silva. Erica, 500 days of summers. We will, we will. Joanna Rockland, you? The Incredible Edible Matthews Sisters.

The Windham beneath our wings, it's Joe Windham. Let's go on a bender with Lauren Fender. Lordis, the Lotus of the Rings. No one makes us feel well like Megan Capp Sewell. Mina Coochic-Cucci. Give him hell, Miss Noel. Sarah Greenwood, she only uses her power for good. Shannon, out of a canon, Anthony.

Let's get racy with Miss Stacy. Let's take off with Tamla Plan. She ain't no shrinking Violet Coutar. We love you guys.