Watch What Crappens - BelowDeckMed: Ghoulia Child

Episode Date: June 5, 2019

Below Deck is back for another insane season. Just when the crew decides to stop fighting and have a fun season, a new chef enters with Old El Paso chips and jarred salsa. Hide your steaks. To hear this week's bonus episode catching up with Southern Charm NOLA and Project Runway and to find Crappens on Demand video recaps, become a member over at Patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens. ***New Limited Edition Shirts! "Martini Medicine" "Team LVP" and "DooooooRINDA!" merch available at crappensmerch.com! **Crappens Live is coming to Milwaukee, Pittsburgh, Minneapolis, Baltimore, Nashville, Indianapolis, St. Louis and NYC! Find ticket links at watchwhatcrappens.com See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Amped, I am so excited to talk below deck med today I mean everyone is going nuts nuts I tell you well before we do it here's some quick shills everybody ready we're going to be in Milwaukee this Friday doing a southern charm recap so get your tickets for that we'll see you there and then on the 8th the day after, we're gonna be in Minneapolis at the Cedar Cultural Center and that sold out. And then next month, we're in Cleveland, Pittsburgh, and Baltimore, and then in September, Nashville, and then in November, Indianapolis, and New York City for two shows, one of which still has tickets, one to sold out. And then in December, we just announced a show in St. Louis

at the Del Mar Hall. So go get your tickets for that now. You can get ticket links at watch at crappens.com. Also, that's where you'll find merch links for our three new shirts. We have medicine, martini, Dorinda and TMLVP. You can get those for the next few weeks. And there's free shipping on orders of $45 or more for the next two weeks. So go over there and check it out. Oh, wow. We do two, we do like two video recaps a week on crap and it's on demand over on Patreon. So thanks to everybody who's joined up, we are really loving that doing those. This week we have Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and Summer House both are going to be up on crap and so on to man so go over there to get those

and that is the quickest chill of all time. Because the quickest chill of all time is happening to me. So you guys below deck med below deck is back oh god I love below deck, man below deck is back. Oh God, I love below deck. So below deck, man. Wow, they are like, you know what, Ben and Ronnie, they love doing crazy accents. Let's just let's just up the ante. So we have South African, the Russian. What would you say? You're talking about us in third person now. Well, I'm saying this is what the producers were thinking, because in my mind, the producers think of us first. So you got South African, you have Australian, New Zealand, Liverpool, Russian. I feel like there were some others in there,

Long Island, Kali, you know? And the Russian has actually a little confusing because she's not just Russian, she lived in Paris for a long time and she's like kind of a derit, I guess she'll take on the accent of where she lives because that is like half French and half Russian is very difficult, okay?

Yeah, this is going to take us probably a few weeks to get these, because it's very difficult. There's gonna. This is going to take us probably a few weeks to get these. Because there's a lot of bastardization. The problem is having to pivot from accent accent. You know, so at some point, I think everyone's just going to start sounding Australian coming out of my mouth, but I'm going to try my best. Yeah. Don't listen to this for realistic impersonations. Okay. If you're new to the show, this is not the show for you. So the episode opens up with Hannah. We see all these like shots of the South of France. And we hear Hannah going, the South of France is the playground for the wealthiest people in the

world. People who could probably afford 50 euros for their girlfriend to spend on cigarettes. Sandy's like, everyone knows, everyone shows off here. Look at my big boat, look at my big boat. Book a sweat, look at my big boat. Look at my brains, you know, look at my inflatable banana. God, I love that banana. Oh, and it's bigger than everyone else's. God, what a rush.

This is that quick crap thing where they're just like cutting everybody. The canas here, and this girl's here And Hannah's like I think last season was not my best season honey I'll need to put my head down concentrate on my job stay single and buy my in cigarettes gold dammit on I This season I'm just gonna keep my head down and do my work and stop waiting for that refund from my flight from Prague to come through because we all know that's not happening any time soon. Am I right? Am I right?

Am I right? Would it we learn last season, honey? Conrad is a liar, honey. Alright. So then Jawah was back and he's like coming back as Captain Sanders-Berson as a huge honour for me. I've given, I give Berson a whole lot of shit and I better be prepared to take it back. But you know, in Zim, what we always say is, you can't live the life as a person without being a boss and also I would like to touch your breasts. Thank you. He's like, you see how I asked there? That is because now I am polite, I'm the new 12. And I love this whole continuation of the 2019 Bravo man trying to pretend he's changed.

We've had Jacks, which I don't think anyone's fallen for that. We've had Carl who just couldn't get laid. I don't know how much he's gotten changed or how much he's changed, but we had Carl. And now here we've got to how. He's totally different now, guys. Rudemson. Totally different. And now we meet Mela, the chef, who at this point seems like she might have potential.

She's like, oh yes, I believe female chefs are underrated. I can't even do this French Russian thing. I can't even begin. Female chefs are underrated and I want to change this opinion. I want people to know that I have my opinion and I don't take shit. Also love their Monty. Love it. Love it. Peace. You know what I believe in the kitchen? Is you need to take your pace. Pick up this. I find my culinary inspiration comes from old El Paso.

It's based. That's it. It's like literally it, you know. And my first thought about her was terrible, ratty hair, so she's bad at grooming. She got thick hair. That hair is hard to. And also crazy eyes.

Wide open crazy eyes. Big, she has like, she actually can give Hannah Hannah Hannah face like that she has she doesn't have a face eyes like you know how to get mad and she just opens her eyes really big and then start squinting them really fast I think this chick might start doing that to me. Yeah and we know it's probably gonna happen because then we see a shot of me telling Hannah if you don't like it you can cook it yourself. Well, yeah, Annie went literally

to fucking chips from the back, but we'll get to that. Yeah, so Colin's like, Hi, it's me, Colin. I'm back to make that paper dog. I'm in France, and now I feel like I'm a Euro guru a guru Quasant! That was hilarious, Cal! That you're doing great! Cali! Cali, did you do the Quasant joke?

Did you do it? The dad and I loved it. Did you do it? Did you do it? It's good, right? My mom's just floating by on a little boat. She's a little dinger. She's giving notes.

I made some lasagna. Too much Quasant. I got you some lasagna from home if you need it. Then we've got Aisha who talks like she's laughing, which I love. I love people like her. She's like, I've got to work out. I think of someone in their theries, the body of someone in their twenties, and the mind of a boy going through PeeBaday! Oh God, I have the comprehension abilities of an Emberia, that's what I gotta say! And then Travis, he's like, because of things I do, people think? On the Niddyet.

So we've got two dope's this year, Travis and Jack. Yeah, and then Anastasia's just like I have an immigrant work ethic Which I just thought was funny And then and then we meet Jack who's like coming from the mid Navy to work and yet so different because nobody Everybody does a little few men walking around and I'm just gonna look at some paper up as an I used to shave one leg just what feel like I was in bed with a woman, but I don't have to do that anymore because No, I'm sort of lazy to women. It's pretty good. It's pretty good, mate.

And Sandy's like, all right, let's just say the last without the last the last two charter seasons have hardened me and then we get clips of just people being stupid. Yeah. It's like, nah, I'm not messing around this time. This is DJ Sandy. All right. DJ Sandy doesn't make you take nap. She wraps about you making naps, all right? That's right. This is the sandy remix and I'm harder now. In that clip, we see that montage of people doing stupid shit, we see Anastasia at one point crying go, I'm so sick of alcoholics. You're on the wrong network for that.

Honey, you're on the wrong side for that sister. Yeah. So then it's a French revierre this year. And we see Hannah arriving with her little suitcase. And it's like rolling on the ground, making that noise suitcases to do. It's going, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey I have to learn French and he said he's a heroine. I was hearing Citha France, you know, I was like, what's a good, where can I find a job? We have someone might want to fly me out of Prague

and not make me pay for it. And apparently it's yachting. I'm not sure if that's worked yet, so well for me has it. So she goes up and kisses Sandy, which is nice to see they're going to make an effort. And she said, Hey, you got one home. I and Sandy's like, it's captain, Hanay to you. All right. You call me captain on this boat. And Sandy is like, I was beast in France for many years. And they show this picture of Sandy just with two thumbs up. Like guess what's

out the France? You get two thumbs up. I just loved how that was somehow like represented France. Sandy be like, yeah, big thumbs up for France. Yeah. Um, and so the captain tells us they ended on a good note. Oh no, she tells Hannah,'s like, can we end it up on a good note last year, Hannah, you sure kicked it into gear. And Hannah's like, well, it was not one of a season. I'll shoot it, communicated. Mole. It's like, I think you were communicating.

I think, I don't think the problem is. I think your voice, your rage eyes, communicate pretty effectively. Yeah, you were saying, I will burn this boat down if you don't stop being pretty. How about that? I was like, oh yeah, communication is essential, Hannah. I want more on service. I do not want to see someone getting up from the table to get a toast. What I do want to see is people at the table enjoying

nice naps. That's what makes it both happy. So now Joelle starts to approach and and he drops his bag and you know that Hannah is like, oh, I'll sleep with it to leave that little pebbly. I knew my gamble with Panna at well. So yeah, so he comes and Hannah and Jouaou are like cool now, which is this is like an annoying habit of Hannah, which is that She hates someone for an entire season and then I hate them too And then like there's an offseason and then they come back for season two Which is like we have best friends now. I'm like wait a second. Yeah They're like the captain like oh the band is back together. I'm like the band the cop goblers like what would you the cop jugulars

What if you call her a cop juggling? I think you could have thunder thunder Undercut fitness or something like that, but you know forgiveness is good guys as Jesus So then yeah, do I was like oh, I have just come off a big a boat as a booson and now I've had fun to me And so I know bit of what to deal with Yeah, so I'm super arm sweaty and stuff Yeah, you got the fans that just keep growing bigger and bigger and bigger It's like that's him just trying to like keep old joao inside like the more the more he represses his urges

The more his pit stings grow. Yeah old joao is trying to sweat it with sweat it's way out of the lodge You know and like captain's like that joao, I want you to do a good job. Now, I don't want to say I made a mistake. All right, Joua. So then we've got Milla, the chef, so we've got Milla, the chef running around, while walking around the boat slowly, just coughing all over everything, right, which is coughing is usually not a symptom of food poisoning but we'll let it's whatever yeah whatever be a lot so her first thing is that she's coughing everywhere and it's like oh look at you how you going yeah yeah um hello i'm the chef and then she tells us she's like i was born in Russia in Sabiaia i was working part-time in the restaurant and people like the food so i

went to live in palace and i get a chance to work with the best chefs. Maggina who else works good with chefs, people who mop the floors. People who take out the trash, do the dishes. There's a lot of people in a restaurant who aren't cooking. Yeah. I also liked that. It's not like she's like, I've always loved cooking. She goes, oh, I noticed I really enjoyed cooking.

Like I just happened to know that it's okay. So I've decided to do this. When you say like, I noticed I really enjoyed cooking. Like I just happen to know that it's okay, so I've decided to do this. Where do you say like I noticed I really enjoyed it. That's like me being like, you know what I noticed, I'm starting to really enjoy watching, you know, something on Netflix, you know, it's like a passing fancy. So yeah, so she goes up to say hi to the captain and when she sees that it sandy she goes captain. Oh Hello captain first time I've seen captain like that Meaning a woman I'm assuming and sandy just stares into the camera and shrugs like what the fuck? Yeah Yeah, exactly and sand just like you know Mila she she trained at the cordon blue in Paris, which is the highest training you could possibly get.

So clearly she would this can never go wrong. Emphasis on can never go wrong. I'm sure she's prepared her foods. Emphasis on prepared foods can't go wrong. So then we've get we go to Travis saying hi to Sandy and he's like, hello, he gets most of me she's sandy and I was like, well, she just let you get off with that one. Me too. I was like, excuse you, sir. So then Anastasia gets on board and starts talking Russian with me, like for and then because Anastasia is originally from Georgia, Republic of Georgia, not Georgia, United States. So they talk and everything. And then Jack gets on board and they're like, what's your name? Because I think at that point also,

what's your face is on there? Aisha, so she's like, what's your name? And she's like, here's your C.F.R. She's like, oh, Jack Scully. She's like, no, Jack stood it. So I see sort of like, what's her mom? And he's like, he's Jocke Steyford. She's like, oh, Jack Scully. Jack stood up. So I said sort of, like, what? He just did it.

I said Jack Scully, sorry. So it's like, I've worked in different countries. And so I was 17. I'm 27 years. The people have fascinated by the accent. Liverpool is aimed at the Beatles. Beautiful women. What's not right?

Because Liverpool is named for it's beautiful women. I was like, is it? I don't know. I don't know about that. I don't, I don't, I'm not a world traveler, you know. Yeah, I just feel like more like, I think like Sweden or something or. Yeah, I don't really know, but I'll give you Beatles.

Okay. I'll give you Beatles. Yeah. So then Hannah's. Beatles. Beatles. I give you the Beatles. Yeah, so then Hannah's watching Colin trying to figure out where the door is because it's not like a glass wall He's like, where's the door? I'm like you remember you were on the same exact yard last week, right? She's like, it look it's Domen Doma in one person It look it's dumb and dumb in one person Oh, even added a third one dumbest He's like hi, it's me calling gosh. I've got more confidence than ever

You sure do call it you sure do. Oh, thanks mom Do I know I know I'm still working on it. I mean who would have think that it could slide Don't let that draw bully you call me oh yeah So Hannah's funny Hannah's talking to IE ship at her experience and I was just like oh You gotta push me pretty hard to make me break I I was like, yeah, welcome to Hannah. Welcome to Hannah. Oh Your face Oh, you'll break lady. Yes So then Colin's super excited to see you. Wow because they have a bromance deuterous is before you're

Deuterous is okay. So I'll just wait for you guys to stop grinching for a second. Okay, I'm moving on Moving on. And so now we have Milla, she's up pulling out, she's cleaning out the fridge and like, they're just like nasty molded over strawberries and everything and she's like coughing as, you know, she's like, she's like, I mean, really? I mean, Chernobyl, they're wearing the same night and you give me strawberries and more, I mean, this is too much for my people. Fucking guilty, she had some sick of cleaning galleys after them

Like this woman is gonna be pleasant so then Jack meets Aisha and He's like oh your baby baby Like all worked on the Reese when did you get he's Cindy? Oh, no way is this is Travis? He said that right travis travis is talking to me travis and jack a little confused yeah and so does sandy which i like that's like oh we're getting like the accents confused i'm with you sand well because because the thing is this is that like travis is talking to you should about like her being for like a kiwi and they just cut to sandy and she just like settles into a bench in the crew mess like oh yeah that's the take it on

The bench. Oh, it's a good bench. You know what's good apples they rhyme with naples Oh ain't that the truth ain't that the truth so he said when did you get here Sandy and she's like oh You call me captain, okay, Because we're not friends, okay? And he's like, is you wish? And she goes, yeah, not a wish. It's a command. I'm like a reverse genie. OK.

I'm like the non-will Smith version of a genie, OK? And our taming and also authoritative. And then he tells us again, he's like, hey, would my mates describe me? They call me de-keyed. And we didn't mention before that when he was talking about how everyone would call him such an asshole, but he's trying to be better. They show him, butting, tucking his we-wee in between his legs in the camera and dancing around.

Yeah, very Buffalo Bill. Yeah, very Buffalo Bill. But I kind of like him. I think he's fun. I feel like Captain Sandy, Buffalo bill and Captain Sandy are honestly they are just like a few cadence as a way from being the same person. Because I can imagine Captain Sandy in a very supportive way saying, Oh, I put the lotion in the basket. It puts the lotion in the basket. Yeah, it's done. It's everything has everything down in that well. You need in that. You need a pillow down there. I'm just gonna scan you make a little, make a little jacket for myself, but I mean, just put some lotion on, yeah.

You know, I've got Buffalo Bill gets a real bad reputation, but I mean, Kamali was trying to moisturize the girl. So, Milla is starting to feel sick. She's coughing again. This is like classic below deck editing, which is like when someone's starting to get sick, they just start inserting audio sound effects of them coughing every time they're on camera. And then I start to feel sick. I think she was really coughing because I was cringing because she's coughing all over everything. I'm like every sense generally are pretty clean like you have to be you know germs and all in a kitchen Yeah, you can make a whole boat sick. So yeah, I was a little surprised by that

Yeah, so now we have our first crew meeting which is also proceeded by some of that sweet blow deck transitional music Which I love it's my favorite transitional music on Bravo. Every time it comes on I'm like, this is my jam. Yeah. I don't know what pool of music that they pull from, but it is awesome. I'm into it I want to blow deck greatest hits of their royalty free transitional music. No offense, Dr. C. Monaco. Well, sure that can be arranged. It's kind of the right people. So it's the crew meeting, which means it's like the one time a season we acknowledge the first officer in the chief engineer Casey and Mike. Hi Casey and Mike. I really, I really am only going to be okay with these guys if they start getting rhyming names again. I know. Like was it Larry and Barry? Yeah, I think it was Larry and Barry. That's what I mean. That's great. Remember that one guy was, I think it was Blow Deck,

was it Blow Deck? Was it last season of Blow Deck? Or two seasons ago, there was a guy named Nick, who was totally useless. And there was like a scene of Kate Chastain trying to like get onto a dinghy to bring like a platter of food to the beach. And she's like, um, could you get closer, get closer?

I can't get on the dinghy. Your three meters away. And he's like, oh, poor Jack. And then he had to leave. They're like, he got sick and so he left. Yeah, he got sick because Kate put like, fucking eye drops in his soda or something. So they're having the meeting in the main salon

and the captain's like, welcome everyone. I want you to feel like a team and we can do a great job. Hey listen, Anomaniac, love your hair but we're gonna have to do something with that. Okay. It's like, all right, all right. All the guys look, all the women look my hair

but I can push it up, be very sexy and live a good. So then she's like, okay, so here's the dealio. My homies refer to me as captain Sandy, not Sandy, I'm directing that to everyone and not at anyone individually, but I will stare at Travis for a long beat. And there you go, you should feel sufficiently shagging. Great, that's the dealio.

You can see how this works is that there is the hierarchy and then she tells us the last couple of seasons. I wanted to be relatable, but that just confused the workers. She goes, I tried to show them that they could approach me as a human being, but it confuses them because I'm not a human being. I'm actually made of artificial intelligence like Haley Joel Osmond in AI. If I wake up thinking of you first thing, that's gonna probably be your last day on board. And then she tells us this season, I'm not taking any shit. And they can earn my trust and think all the people that came before him. Yes.

Yes. It's a nasty captain, Sam. I'm here for this. I'm loving watching your evolution as a Bravo star. She's like, if I wake up and I'm thinking about you, that's gonna be your last thing on this boat, unless I'm thinking, gosh, she really needs a nap. In which case, I'll keep you going, nap.

Mm-hmm. Oh, now, if I think, if I wake up thinking, gosh, that girl really needs a hug. Guess what's gonna happen? I'm gonna hug you. I'm gonna hug you. It's gonna be a big hug. It's gonna be a a hug. Guess what's going to happen? I'm going to hug you. I'm going to hug you. I'm going to hug you. It's going to be a huge hug.

It's going to be a huge hug. Here's the kinds of hugs we do on this boat. Solo hugs, double hugs, triple hugs, and group hugs. Yeah. But here's what we're not going to do. I'm not going to give you a hug. And your arms should sit there. If I give you a hug, I want your arms hugging me back.

OK? There's no half-ass hugs here. Yeah. Put the U in hug, OK? And then hugging me back, okay? There's no half ass hugs here. Yeah, put the you and hug, okay? Oh, and then she's like, we're a team here. I don't care what your job title says. If one person, if some people are sitting around the table while they're working to dinner shift, that's bullshit, we're a team.

And Meela just looks fucking miserable. Like, I don't even know if she's sick yet, she's just like, fuck this. What would it, why would I lie to get into this job? Like if I don't even know if she's sick yet. She's just like, fuck this. Why would I lie to get into this job? Like if I'm gonna lie this much, I could have like been the president of something, you know? Yeah, she's like, I don't know why I thought it was a good idea to give up my job at PetSmart to lie my way out to being a gentleman yacht. So it's like, so now it's time for

provisions. So Miele has ordered a million things. So at this point, I think, okay, so Milla is gonna be, she's gonna be one of these chefs that is like over the top and crazy and it's gonna drive everyone nuts. Because she is, I mean, she's ordered so many provisions. There's like no room to put them on. There's boxes everywhere. Yeah, she's like, I'm not used to this. This is so small. is everywhere. Yeah, she's like, I'm not used to this. This is so small. Like it's a boat. You dope. Like a huge yacht. Where are you working? We're gonna be ready to be the Hilton. So then, uh, and then we see the camera keeps cutting to jack smoking and I was like, okay, this is they're setting the setting the foundation, laying the foundation that he's gonna be like the lazy one. Yes, while he is literally the lazy one, like they should. Yeah. Wow, who's overdoing it? Because he's like, go the lazy one. Yes, well he is literally the lazy one. Like they show to our who's overdoing it

because he's like, gotta make a first impression. Gotta make a good first impression. Look at me, boxes, I didn't even call that box to see where they just put it down on the ground. Jack, he gonna help me and Jack goes, well brother, I don't see the point

and strain him too hard on the first day, right? I think I'm just gonna sit here and smoke my SIGgy. It's time for commercial. It's time for a crap and scum-er-shul. Celebrity beef, you never know if you're just gonna end up on TMZ or trending on Twitter or in court. I'm Matt Bellasife. And I'm Sydney Battle, and we're the host of Wonder E's new podcast, Dis and Tell.

Each episode explores a different iconic celebrity feud, from the build-up, why it happened, and the repercussions. What does our obsession with these feud say about us? We're starting off with a pretty messy love triangle between Selina Gomez and Justin and Haley Bieber, a seemingly innocent TikTok of Selina talking about her laminated eyebrows, it snowballed into a full-blown alleged feud. But it doesn't seem like fans are letting up anytime soon. Despite both Selena and the Bieber's making public statements denying any bad blood, how much of this esteemed jealousy and lovers quarreling, and how much of it is a carefully crafted

narrative designed to sell albums. Follow this and tell wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen ad-free on the Amazon music or wonder ya. So, um, this is in Hanna and Meal are having a meeting about what the guests usually like to have in the morning, you know, like croissants and eggs and things like that. And Meal is like, oh, I think you have to excuse myself, I'm Sori. And then she just like goes off and things like that. And me and I was like, oh, I think I have to excuse myself. I'm sorry. And then she just like goes off and pukes. Yeah, she has to keep getting up to puke now. Now the puke begins.

And then we cut the Travis, who's cleaning a window. And he's like, on from allspit, I grew up in a seba highest incarceration rate, good friends, good people. Then you hear sick, they're in jail. They addicted to the old myth. You know how it goes. I'm like, yeah, I'm gonna go to the toilet with it. That's why I go to the toilet with it.

You get it? Yeah, yeah, exactly. That's why there's also a huge amount of sailors from a swollywood. So anyway, so Mila says that she has food poisoning. And she's like, I don't know why I ordered the shrimp pasta the night before. I don't know. And I'm shrimp pasta the night before. I don't know.

And I'm like, well, how about you maybe consider having some pepto bismo? I mean, bismol. I mean, like, I don't know why. I mean, it's terrible that she's sick, but like, bitch, take some pepto. So the captain's like, well, hopefully she'll be better. I'll make the toast.

I'm gonna cook it with eggs. And then Mila is like, I was hoping make the impression of chef ready for work But my body can't accept water. I'm Siberian Russian woman. We are troughs. I have the bar So my mind is saying Siberia, but my body is saying yes, okay, so the crew meeting So now's the next day that we're not next. I'm sorry. So now is the next day. I'm sorry. It's not the next day. It's now we're over at the crew meeting. We're bad.

The deck hands are gathering, I should say. And we're learning that Jack, he used to be an engineer by trade with the merchant navy. And he's saying how it was owned by the queen or something. And they would work. It wasn't owned by the queen. So they could dress, you know, like trash and he's like, oh, that means we're leaving smelly, scruffy geese to come like most luxurious, the awful, beautiful

women. It's a shock to the system right now. You know, it is a shock to the system showers. To eat the brushes. I imagine this guy is going to be doing a lot of jerking off on this note. You know, every year there's one that they catch jerking off all the time. And I think the biggest jerker offer was a meal from a few seasons ago. Oh my goodness. They got a good couple of shots of a meal, Jerk Anasa. I'm guessing this time it's going to be Jack. I loved a meal.

I forgot about a meal. A meal was on that crazy season. you know, with what's her face? The mermaid girl. Yeah. So then we kept a handle at her meeting with the interior and shook the big thing, communication on I. I'm like, okay. And Anna's, yeah, go ahead.

I was at Anna stage. It's like, I work my best with very clear instructions. So you show me ones and I'll do it correct every single time. And Hannah's face is like, we'll see you a bit later on. Then Zhao makes Travis the lead because he's had the most experience. And then the girls, we got back to the girls, started girl power and I was just like, Oh boy, this is about the stature.

Also, did you notice like the presence of many boxes of Iceland water? Is this the new core water? Like it might be. So then Miele's still barfing and then we cut to to our to our and Colin are roping things or whatever. And they're talking about the people for last season. And Colin's like, Well, I talked to Jamie, she's doing great. And I'm sure you know this,

but Brooke is going to Canada or something. And he's like, oh, yeah, try talking to her. It didn't go very well, is she, imagine? Yeah, he's, Joao is still trying to play this like a wounded lover card. He's like, you know, we know things were going so good with me and Brooke. And she even. He's like, you know, we know things were going so good with me and Brooke and she even came to Zim, you know, when she came to Zim and she saw all my

blokes, but you know, she cheated on me. And I've changed so much. It's quite scary actually. I really, really, really loved her. I really, really loved her. Are they buying this? Do you think they're buying this? Okay, because I can say it some more. Yeah, and he says he wanted to stay with her even though she cheated, but she didn't want to. So what can you do? You know, you can't, you can't chain him up. I'm captain. Here's what you do. You watch last season and you remember what a pig he is. Okay. Right. So then the captain is like, all right, preface sheet meeting. Come on. Yes, we're gonna do it, guys. It's gonna be the best dress you've ever seen.

Okay, so it's Jay Robertson, who's an eligible bachelor and a mortgage broker, and he's gonna be joined by John and Carol. So they're looking over the preferences, and I guess it's one of them that's their birthday and Mela goes, kick. Geez. She's so mad. And they've got a beach picnic. They want to explore a town. And so the captain's like, okay, let's go explore me that are you through me that okay me let's go. So she goes to barf again. And everyone's like, what the fuck are we supposed to do with this? Like she's coming, they're coming tomorrow. And this chef surely is going to need tons of time to present her amazing food,

which we've all seen pictures of on our resume. Yeah, exactly. So, instead of putting more stuff away and Travis is like, he's pretty sexy and also Rick City, so not bad, right? Not bad. So let's see. Amestasia goes to give tea to the Russian and then I just like, love you speaking Russian. Wow.

Yeah, I wrote down, whoa. I like that Aisha could not put together that like, Mela is Russian and then there's a language that sounds like Russian being spoken to the Russian person. What language is that? So then a bunch of them take a break outside and get to do each other and smoke and Collins like, soon you have a blue, why are you shouting? She's like, actually no, it's hard having one, why are you working on a blue, are you sure? And she's like, actually, no, it's hard having one.

Why are you working on a blue at the same time? I actually hobbled up our sofa, Felicio. I was like, what? I think I'm not. I'm not. I'm not a sofa, dava, Felicio. I listened to it many, many times. And then I think that she actually said,

I share the gay show with Felicio. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. And then she tells us growing up with liberal parents and so many brothers I asked my mom what sold me wasn't seen. So I learned about butt seeks. You learned about six butts. No butt seeks. Then they cut back to Hannah looking mortified, which is hilarious hilarious because Hannah's like the most sexually free one usually yeah and Then she said something else that I didn't really understand she's like if I about festive and days I'm a lot to being a little people Would she say if I bled something? I don't know if I did the fling and the day gonna fling and do you think a leg of the

If I were to fliggin' the nigga, the fliggin' do you think a nigga, the nigga, the phlegm sure? And then it goes, I'm going to bed and she goes, PORN MY FOOT COOLS! It's like the weird sweetest chef turned Kiwi. I love it. I eat this officially my new favorite. Yeah, she's hilarious. Yeah, she has a goofy grin on at all times too. So, yeah, so now Hannah's hanging out with WoW and he's like, I'm just worried

that some of the decades of my experience than I do and we know how I was last season when I was terrible to what's his face? Conrad, you know, I just don't want people to say that about me because in Zimbabwe, if you talk to a boss on the wrong way, you get thrown into a lion's mouth. It's true, it's true. Back in Zim, I hired a hooker called Karma,

and it turns out she really was a bitch. I'm very scared. Back in Zim, I hired a hooker named Karma, and she tied me up and she sold me for ransom. It was terrifying. So Hannah's like, well, you know, never in my life did I see being friends with him myself, but I'm all for despegs changing themselves.

It's clearly. So now it's the next day. It's day of the charter. There's some cleaning. Milla is feeling better, but she's feeling weak. So Anastasia, who has some cooking background, is going to help out. And Anastasia's cooking story. Her background is being a yacht chef is even worse than Milla.

She's like, yeah, so I was like working on a yacht. I was working on a boat and like my boyfriend noticed that I could cook without getting C6. So he's like, you should cook. So I started cooking. I got that inspired confidence. So she's basically doing all the grunt work, you know, which I guess is normal.

So then it's 30 minutes until they come and the Caption sees Jack and she's like, all right, animating totally insane, you get over here. You got to do something with your hair. I can't hang in your face. And he's like, I know what I'm gonna do, babe. Some glasses on my head. What do you think of that? I just like, should I get out and put it in my hair like something in my mirror. It's a bit something about Jake Get it jicking off. It all comes get out first circle. Love the women around here So then let's see so This is I forget how much

Cutting back and forth it is so the people arrive yes, arrived. Yeah So the guests arrive and Hannah's showing them the But you would I did you see what I you should say when they lined up they when they lined up for the guests I should go forgot to shave my legs Philly she Takes a lot of it she doesn't shave legs it goes So then they start taking them on the tour and I was like alright you can choose your cabins this one has a massive dawn and they're like wait a minute just what you don't look at dawn they're like wait is that my Australian thing or what

just you know it's a dawn the thingy hit and they're like a gang oh that makes so much more sense. Then that when I ordered that DVD of the Dong Show and something else completely different arrived. Oh, that's a matte one for last year, pop-seeks. So then the captain is the mouse anchor time. Anchor, anchor, drama, anchor, anchor, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, I think her and her drama drama of the anchor best part of the show.

Be in take it away. Hey, where my distances, Jow off my stern to a lot of lines, a lot of lines, got a lot of lines. And Tyler's like, when you work on boats, it's team oriented. So when you're lazy, you're a piece of shit because it makes other people work harder. Close up on Jack, just standing there like, what do I do? Like picking his nose.

I'll think I found something up there. Yeah, and the guest, they're like, God, look at the captain, look, she's pretty pissy, huh? What's wrong with her? Yeah, what's wrong with her? I like the lady who I'm assuming is Carol, who was, she's, you you know because the guests are on there

They're already having a nice time. They seem like very lovely people and then I used to bring her like a chorus like she's like Oh my gosh She brought me a chorus line She's already very very excited a huge improvement over the ladies who are on the first episode of last season who didn't want dinner in and bowl. Yeah. They started off with a softball group of guests. So then Hannah's getting lunch, organized and stuff, and then they cut to Jowell trying

to open a water bottle with his mouth, which, you know, like, here's the thing is that he's using his two hands to hold the water bottle with his mouth, which, you know, but here's the thing is that he's using his two hands to hold the water bottle. I'm like, usually do the mouth thing if you don't have a hand of free, right? I don't know, but maybe it's just a cracking gum because it's just such a jowl shot. You know, it's like the...

And he doesn't do it either, by the way. He does not. He can't put your head out. Yeah, you know, if Riley were on there, she'd just look at the bottle and open up. Yeah. So then we see Jack trying to figure out how to drop an anchor and Sandy's like these anchors on this boat or my arch nemesis and checks like oh no, what you talking about

I'm supposed to do this, but you know what this anchor looks like Tits will put my hands all over it and start allikin that work for everybody. It's a god damn it I mean one of the guests is like, oh man, this is beautiful. I wouldn't mind having their job. And then another guy was like, yes, you would. As you see, like at a stage,

you're just scrubbing a shower door or something like that. Yeah. So then they come to lunch, all the lady are coming to lunch, and this crazy lady is twerking. That crazy lady who loves course live is just, is she's and this crazy lady is twerking. That crazy lady who loves course live is just, she's a gift. She's twerking. Yeah. So then we see Mela, she's preparing lunch, and there's like a passing shot of her holding a bottle of salad dressing, hidden valley ranch.

And I was like, uh-oh. I know. What is the lady sponsoring this show? This is not good. This is not good. Yeah, look, it's the caterer for Katie's wedding. So yes, it's got hidden valley ranch in burgers, which burgers on your first day on a luxury yacht. I don't know about that. And then she opens the salad jar and starts putting them all over the buns. Yeah, I just do it. I was like, oh god, and Hannah's watching with like control, honey, face, control, honey, face. Don't get too honey too soon. It's the first male. Try not to lose the honey on a. And we get a, let me walk the guest upstairs.

Yeah, we get a short clip of the, the guest upstairs talking about their trips. And one guy goes, didn't we see a buffalo and Jackson? And the other lady goes, no, that was a moose. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, God bless the PAs. The other lady goes, no! That was a moose! Yeah! Oh god bless the PAs, we're logging all this dialogue. We have to put this in the show, okay? So, um, Milos, like, I used to play poker professionally, taking poker from guys, but like,

Sajur. Oh, I said, why did I write Sa-ju, she's going, so good, so good. That's how it feels when people eat my food. So good when they think that anche is real ranch. Yeah, when you swindle them. So then that turns out she's making a faw burger, which I don't know about this. It's also when you eat. I don't know that I really believe in this.

The burger that she serves is like, I mean, it is like three inches thick. It is huge. But you know what, though, the guests love it. And so at this point, I'm like, okay, so she did like a semi-home made sheet, but maybe it's like, she sort of knew like, you know what, it's really about the burger,

and there's like, maybe there's like a comfort in like a, you know, like, like some people Thanksgiving, like a canned cranberry sauce instead of the real stuff, like, maybe that's what she was going for. Yeah, you know who says they like that lazy ass anties, okay? That's who says that. So yeah, this guy's like, I'm never going to be able to leave McDonald's again. I think it's because they're all trained to think that the chef is talented. So if they don't like it, they're going to look like trash. You know what I mean? Like, I think when people come on the show, they don't want to look like the

assholes. They want to look like the nice ones and they want to fancy. They think it's like a high low experience, you know? Yeah. So now the guests are going to go on to the tender and they're going to, they're going to go to shore. They're going to go on to Nice and Jack and ass days are going to go with them. And Hannah's like, oh, by the way, honey, I just need some fresh milk. A very simple, requested fresh milk. Well, honey. I just need some fresh milk, a very simple

requested fresh milk. What could go possibly wrong? Am I right, honey? Well, actually, I'll be there like somewhere. I was like, okay, okay, Jack. So they take the gas over in a tender and as they're rocking down the dock, Jack, cause, hey, I just all blew the work down

that I got set off of. Yeah, I love Jack. So I on that I got set off of Yeah, I love to outside of it and full view of five children wasn't a good scene Yeah, I mean this that's your old town every day some of it like up decade Bluoma money, blind girls and drinks didn't have thought to pissing started a net Pretty standard isn't it so yeah, so they're like all walking around and basically there's like tourist stuff. And now the guests are like, okay, we're ready to go back and everything. So Jack and Anastasia, like, okay, you just go that way and Jihuahua will pick you up and we're going to, we have to go get some milk. So, so, so then Jihuahua is like on, on the

yacht and he's babbling. You know, he's been, he's like, again, trying to do this whole thing about like being a new upstanding person or whatever. And he's like, Sunday gave me a game with the drive to be a basin. And you know, seeing that Travis is a good worker is one less thing I have to worry about. Because in Zim, I have to worry about everything. Like, where they are not. I'm gonna be in the middle of a stampede of neighbors in my house right now.

What am I saying? I don't know, I need pussy. So Jack and Emma Stasia walking around this town is hilarious because she's like, Do you have milk? Do you have milk? Does anybody have milk? And he's like,

There's a fat maybe there. That's a good song. Let's walk that way. It's like, should we need to be into that sex ship over there? He just starts walking her all over the town and the guests are just standing there by their car like, uh, Lou, who's taking care of us? Yeah, exactly. Look at that one lady is like, my feet are starting to really kill me, you know. Huh, to go, I'm going like, huh?

And throughout calls, and he's like, Jack, where's I guess? I'm going to come get you. He's like, where did he get 500 red left? Lame. So we just left him over there while we went to get some milk. I'm sort of they're fine. Yeah. So Juaal gets on the tender to go save the guest. And then meanwhile, in the kitchen, Mela's making dinner and she starts putting canned corn onto an iceberg lettuce salad. And I was like, oh, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, this is not the food network. We do not use these products. Yeah, and opens a box of old alpacotaco shells.

Oh, gosh. opens a box of old alpacotaka shells. Oy! Oh God. So, so then, Juao saves the, saves the, oh, he saves the people, and he brings the back to the boat. And so now they're doing, they're all like going down the water slide and stuff.

And there's this random shot of Colin. He's like on like a floaty thing, and he's like trying to attach it back to the yacht. He's like, oh no, oh no, I'm like a floaty thing and he's like trying to attach it back to the yaw. He's like, oh no, oh no, I'm floating away. Kylie, are you okay? Kylie, oh I'm floating mom, I'm floating away. Someone called the man, it's my son's floating away. I think I got it mom. You sure, Kylie, I can call the fire department still. No, I got it mom Then we cut to me in the kitchen licking a steak what the fuck Like what the holy fuck I rewind it three times. It's like if she's smelling that she is smelling she's licking the steak

This episode is like falling apart at the seams like I was like what is happening all over the place Yeah, so the captain comes in and she sees all the taco shells and she's like Is this for crew? She's like no the guess she's like Tacos And then we cut to her list of Mexican stuff and it's like tacos enchiladas case to Diaz not just because she looked up Mexican stuff and it's like tacos. And Talata's, KCD is not just because she looked up Mexican stuff because they said they liked Mexican. It's like sour cream salsa coriander. And at the bottom it just goes, dessert with a question mark.

Okay. Because she's gonna be making a plated steak with a taco buffet. She's like, well, they like Mexican. And it's like, first of all, so she's got tacos and enchiladas. That's a pretty strong appetizer. And then to have a plated steak, it just doesn't really make sense as a meal. But like maybe make like little baby tacos or like little like appetizer-sized enchiladas.

But no, she's making full, going full hog with like the old alpaso shells, etc. Oh, and it looks so gross. It looks like a school meal. Like a real year. Yeah, cafeteria food really gross. And the captain's like, well, the tacos have me very worried, but they saw a resume. So I'm hoping for the best. Mm-hmm.

You saw Taco Shell. She should have been off that boat immediately. Yeah, I don't know. Okay, you should have just thrown her right overboard. Yeah, we've, like, not even the worst chefs on the show. Not even that guy Matt from like a blow deck like two seasons ago, who was like made like a chicken salad every every episode. He not even Matt would use taco shells.

Yeah, it was pretty bad. So Jack is in bed reading or I don't know, holding something. Because I can imagine him just flying around reading. Just upside down. Yeah, I like to look at the lines on the page. Yeah, and Zhao comes in and tells him, dude, you gotta say with the guests. Hello, like it's service.

That's who we get tips from. And he's like, this is clear, man, but it wasn't clear, rain. Liverpool! I've learned Millicin now. Fuck the milk. Charter guests come first. So then the guests sit down for their big Mexican dinner

So Milla's like she's got the enchiladas the enchiladas look Like shit. Well, I mean they look like Fine as if if I made them at home, you know, and they look like you know cheesy whatever But like if I have pictures on them, the colors on them are just so like, well, I think they compare to the nachos. The nachos, the nachos with a real problem. She has these like inherently sad looking tortilla chips. Okay, like these were really sad chips on their own. And then she just puts this canned salsa on it or jarred salsa and then canned corn. And then like they're like, what about,

I think it was Aisha was like, you wanna put some Chinese on, she's like, okay. And so she just takes some shredded cheese and just puts it on it. And like, do you wanna heat it up? And Aisha just starts turning. He just goes full murals wedding.

She goes, it's terrible. And then we cut to the captain talking to the gas and she goes, have you seen the movie Captain Ron? That's a great movie, admit. It's almost as good as King Ralph. I don't know, it's hard neck and neck, I'd say. So Hannah comes in and she sees this food and she's like, in the nine years of yawning, I've never taken,

I've never refused to take a dish out, but I cannot say that it's disgusting on a... Like, it's horrifying. Horrifying. Yeah, so they take the enchiladas and the tacos out and the guys kind of look at it and one of the guys goes, oh, look, it already has sour cream. And I was like, they're not going to fall for this.

No, no, the guest go, they're like, are these the appetizers? And then the guy goes, Hey, look, Carol, they got your sour cream. She carols like shut the fuck up. I'm not talking about that on camera. And one of the guys goes, it's like a Taco Bell drive through. And I was like, was that a compliment? And then Hannah's going downstairs, like, Hannah, Hannah, Hannah, and the lady's like,

oh, gosh, your sauce is amazing. So I guess they're like falling for whatever this is. They are. Well, they're thinking it's just sort of like a fun, it's like, you know, like, Inaigartans, philosophy that when it's supposed to be a formal event, you serve some things surprisingly informal, and then when an informal event,

you prepare something that's surprisingly formal. So maybe they're just thinking it's like an Inaugurton moment, but no, they're just literally eating, you know, like food that your babysitter would make for you. Yeah. So then Hannah comes in the kitchen, she's like, yeah, you know what,

they've got enough damage. So I think we should just leave the notches in here. All right So are you playing the sticks already? They've just got served their food Jesus. I was just finishing Addressing the first disaster. You're already putting another disaster on me because Mela is Already cooked like plating the steaks that they're gonna be eating and by the way We saw her earlier in the episode she had like a full, I guess it's like a loin or whatever, tenderloin. And she was slicing it into the portions. And like the portion, like I didn't think anything of it at the moment.

But then when I saw the steak she was cooking, considering that she had that entire tenderloin, they were so thin. Did you notice that? I was like, you're and you're going to cook them thin steaks from like a beautiful piece of meat. Oh my God. So the upstairs lady's like, well, I think this is a little too spicy.

And then we cut back to Mela who's taking the steaks, she's put them on a plate and she's looking her fingers, just looking at the raw steak off of her fingers. And then she throws him in the microwave. Wondering where she gets her food poisoning from. So she's like, well, I'm gonna take them down to the microwave and Hannah, Hannah goes down and her eyes are bulging. And she's like, well, I'm gonna take them down to the microwave. And Hannah, Hannah goes down and her eyes are bulging.

And she's like, I cannot believe it. And they're just like this close up of the stack of like, I'll be at thin, but still beautiful stakes just about to get nuked. And then like the episode ends with Mela just sort of sitting sitting at the table waiting for it to microwave. And just like the zooms in slowly and ominously on her like like she came over from like the conjuring universe, you know

like who is this ghostly evil monster who's on this yacht right now. My god, it's just like BOO! and you hear the sound of the microwave because Hannah's like, I don't think I've ever seen that before and she's like, boo, and you hear the sound of the microwave. Because Hannah's like, I don't think I've ever seen that before. And she's like, oh, will I have to keep it warm? So I'll put it on for. So she puts the fucking microwave in and just running.

That's not how microwaves work. What are you doing? And she's also, it's also like a pass to the aggressive thing against Hannah. She's like, where do you know? Because I have to make, now because they're too cold, because they're waiting, you know? So now I have to nuke them like it's Hannah's fault. There's an oven upstairs. You fucking crazy person.

Yeah. And oven like literally an oven or just make some new sticks. I mean, I this, this is just the first meal. And these are nice guests. If they have she had to get some last season for the first charter, I mean, I can't even imagine. But what is this chef going to do when like, she has like demanding guests who need something recooked or want like something in the middle of the night? Like I, I was, Ronnie, I was genuinely stressed out. Like how, how do they do, what do they do? What do you do? And Hannah's like, I just came back here to be peaceful with everyone to not fight and they give me this. Yeah, she is controlling her rage.

She's like, I can't lose my shit right now. It's the fist charter, but I'm getting close. I'm getting close. Hello. Hello. And then the episode ends with Ding from the microwave. So I think it's going to be a pretty good season. I mean, it's always good.

And I just, but like that, like what a stressful thing and like everyone started tweeting at us and everyone was like, oh my god, oh my god, like America was outraged. Yeah, they should be just fucking disgusting. Rightfully. Oh good, I sure everybody that brings us to the end of our first below dick mid. We will be back tomorrow with Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. You can also watch that on video on crap and sun demand.

And then we're not going to be back to the weekend, but we'll have both Real Housewives of New York and Southern Charm Live episodes. In the meantime, go get tickets for the live shows, Milwaukee if you're there, go get tickets this Friday. And you can find merch and all that stuff at WatchUpCrapins.com. We'll talk to you next time, guys. Bye, everyone. Yeah. Hey Prime members, you can listen to Watcher Crappens Add Free on Amazon Music,

download the Amazon Music app today. Or, you can listen Add Free with Wondry Plus in Apple Podcast. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at Wondry.com slash survey.