Watch What Crappens - BelowDeckMed: Tell Me How I’m Supposed To Slide With No Air

Episode Date: August 17, 2021

A group of high functioning alcoholics take over the yacht on Below Deck Mediterranean this week, and as usual, there's a host of problems: slow cocktail service, Lexi being Lexi, and a slightly deflated slide. DRAMA!Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappensSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey, Prime members, you can listen to Watch What Crapins Add Free on Amazon Music. Download the app today. Get ready for a double load of Queen of Hearts. It's me, Jujubee, and I return to guide sexy singles through some ronchy blind dates. Cameras off. Voice only. Launching during pride. Queen of Hearts takes Miami by storm, with Daeders' Cuppe from Tampa Bayes, Just Chas, and Brittany Brave to name a few. Follow Queen of Hearts on Amazon Music or wherever you get your podcasts. Hello and welcome to Watch Your Crappins, a podcast about all that crap I'm Bravo that we just love to watch. I'm Ben Mandelker and joining me as usual is the wonderful and talented Ronnie Karam.

What's up Ronnie? Well, hop in. Hi, you sound very chipper and excited today. Oh yeah, how are you? I'm great, I'm great. Everything is wonderful. Just podcasting, our bonus episode this week on Patreon is going to be the Real Housewives of Salt Lake City trailer that dropped at the end very end of

last week. So we're gonna do a shot by shot seen by scene analysis of that trailer. So if you are not a Patreon supporter definitely go to patreon.com slash watch where crap ends and sign up and especially if you sign up at crap ends on demand what's really fun is that as we break down the trailer that's gonna be on demand and you can actually see the trailer as we break it down so you'll have like a full frame of reference for everything that we are seeing and looking at and we've been doing that for the past you trailer breakdowns and having such a fun time with that so we really recommend that so So go check out

Patreon and support it whatever you feel comfortable at. But that's just a little plug for what's going on over there. Anything else exciting, Ronnie, that needs, needs attention before we dive into today's recap. I know. Let's just jump right on in, honey. Let's, let's, let's dive into it like a large man on an under inflated slide. That's always my greatest fear about thinking, like, who would have we ever got to go and blow deck? What do we do it?

Hell no, that slide is terrifying. Okay, I would crash that thing down and rip half my skin off my back. Yeah, I think one of my greatest fears is to be filmed for television, going down a slide and just not quite really making it into the water. You know, like that happened like a few weeks ago where someone went down the slide and they just kind of stalled out at the bottom of it. They just sort of arrived at the bottom.

It happened today. Yeah. And today too, that's just, I don't want that. I want to be the one who's seen gracefully, you know, gliding into the water, you know? Yeah. Okay, so the last episode ended with everybody parting in the main salon and Lloyd coming out is like 90% straight and he's crying and sobbing and Everyone's talking him like it's okay. At least 90% of you still likes vaginas I'm like, it's okay. At least 90% of you still likes vaginas.

It's okay. Yeah, they're still all kind of a mess. And Courtney and Z are just like drunk and sitting around somewhere on the boat. And he's like inviting her to Cape Town. And she's like, she'll do that. She'll do that. He's like, what do I think you should do that? Oh, yeah, they're just like drunk and sloppy and making, you know, international plans. Yeah, and Lexi is going to go to go to pee. And David's like, Oh, you have to pay

to you. And he's standing there with his hand on her butt. Did you notice that? He's like, no, I've got to feed. Well, I've got to feed. Well, please do not make this a thing these two. It will not guarantee you will not. So then, Courtney gets into bed and she like passes out on Malia's bed, which is the lower bunk. And so David comes in to try to get her up to the upper bunk. And he's like trying, he does, he's like, first he tries to get her to do it herself. And then he kind of like picks her up and holds her like the bodyguard, you know. And he's like trying to like lift her up, which of course is never going to work. That's really hard to do. So then they just like all fall over together instead. Yeah, she hits her head. I mean, that girl, that

girl has taken a lot of hits to the head. Obviously, she's in. She has a lot of drunk injuries. Yeah. Yeah. He's like, I tried to be the fucking hero, but I didn't quite look out for me. So then I asked her out and that didn't work out either. So then I went and I asked out a brim. And the brim didn't care because it was not an actual option. It doesn't actually know how to talk. So it's just a total failure in all fronts. And then Lexi is trying to prove that she's nice again. So she goes up to Katie and she's like, what are you eating? I got you to snack bars. Katie's like, no, but yeah. And then like Z goes to bed and like before he goes to bed, he's like, I had meat left

Yeah, oh yeah, this this episode is chock full of fast-dating stuff like that. Yeah, I had to meet him and Courtney is sleeping in Mollia's bed So Mollia's like great. I guess I'll just sleep on the other bed then So now it's the morning and Courtney has barfed all over her bed. Yeah, and it apparently smells because Malia wakes up, was like, I think it's probably, you know what, that's the case where it's good to be on the top bunk. You don't want to be on the bottom bunk in that scenario. Yeah. And she like, Courtney like puked everywhere. It wasn't like she just, you know, bent over and puked on the floor. She puked on the bed and then she's waking up. She goes, eww, Melia, it's on my back.

I was like, woohoo. So then Lloyd and Katie are in the mess. And he's like, thank you so much for last night. I'd like to congratulate you for being one of the people that I've opened up to. I just shared so much. And he's like, I don't think I've ever been in an environment where I feel so comfortable with people. So it's a bit overwhelming for me. I'm still waiting for the figurative and actual literal book

to hit me in the head. I'm sorry, I don't believe you Lloyd. I don't believe Lloyd does not ever open up to anybody. I believe that Lloyd is don't believe you Lloyd. I don't believe Lloyd does not ever open up to anybody I believe that Lloyd is constantly opening up to people because people who don't open up don't talk like this Where they're like it is so difficult for me to open up. Hopefully I'll have the chance to open up people who open up just don't Talk People don't open up don't even like to talk about opening up and he has literally told us every anecdote I won't even say every anecdote like if I feel like there's probably a fraction of the anecdotes that he has He's like, I want time. I went to a generous store and they had a new kind of beverage so I guzzled it turns out

It was actually detergent so I had to go to the hospital and that's how I became a nurse. It's like what's like you open up a lot Yeah, I'm so glad that I could be comfortable enough to open up about, open up about that with you. Yes. So Courtney is trying to figure out what happened last night. And she's like, Oh, I guess that Chloe and Mav got it all on because Chloe is her drunk alter ego and Maverick is the ex alter ego. And she, I guess, doesn't remember anything from last night, but she goes, I have BF here, which I'm not as beer fear, the fear of wondering what you did last night, or is it like basically, I'm gonna have to run to the toilet to poop every two seconds.

Oh, I don't know. I would never even consider it being the second option. Where did you get that from? Well, because I know there's beer shits. So I wasn't sure if this was like the more polite British way, because I feel like in America, it's beer shits, but in England, it might be something like beer fear or even I will have a little bit of the London fog if you know what I'm saying. You know, I don't know.

No, I don't know. I don't know I don't know what beer fear is okay but she should she apparently doesn't have it because she's shit face blackout drunk every time we see her yeah okay so it wasn't my it wasn't it wasn't my take it is hangover guilt sometimes known as the beer fear is something many experience after a night of too much drinking when you wake up with a sorehead and a foggy memory, and you can quickly jump to feeling anxious about what happened the night before. But I don't think that necessarily excludes pooping. It does. I think that might be part of the experience.

It's literally excluding pooping, okay? Stop trying to fit in pooping the place. I'm just saying, like, I would imagine the pooping, you're like, oh God, I really drank a lot last night, clearly, so what else did I do? That definition is from insider.com, by the way. So the captain sees Katie and she's like, so how was last night?

She's like, well, no one quit, so that was a plus. And Matt goes, oh brother. So then everyone. last night. She's like, well, no one quit. So that was a plus. And Matt goes, oh, brother. So then the last crew night out, that's for sure. So they're cleaning and Malia sends David to do win-zos and it's very awkward. And so he's just staring at her longingly and nodding. And Malia is like, oh, maybe David doesn't remember asking me out. So we can just slide that one under the rug and move forward without any awkwardness. So he's like staring at you with less than his eyes right now. I don't know if this is the BF here talking, but surely last night I didn't awkwardly ask you out while also twirling with my hands in the air for several minutes. Did I?

while also twirling with my hands in the air for several minutes. Did I? Can I take off my shirt right now while I discuss this with you? Also, one thing guys are notoriously good at taking a hint. I wouldn't count on that. So then Lexi and Katie are down in the laundry room and Lexi is complaining about robes or cleaning robes or steaming them or whatever. She just doesn't like dealing with robes. So Katie is like trying to kind of connect with her, you know, after all their

rockiness. And she's like, er, I hate robes too. And I also, you know what I also hate doing the bridge and drawing glasses. Oh God, I hate drawing glasses. We're like best friends now, aren't we Lexi? Yeah. And by the way, Lexi's complaining while the chiefs do is down their ironing and sweating all over the place. And Lexi's like, um, while the chiefs do is down there ironing and sweating all over the place and Lexi's like, um my last chiefs do made us do vinegar bath So like I stink every time the guests came on board and I was like you realize you're making me stink right No one's heard from that lady in a while. I hope she's okay. Really do Where there gloves. I don't know like late-tech gloves

Really do. Where there are gloves, I don't know, like late-time gloves. So then, last time for the preference, she meeting, it's Jennifer and Patrick, who they chartered this boat two years ago. We've seen them before, and we got flashbacks in them just being wasted messes. And this time, they want to transform the boat into their own October fast celebration.

Okay, they want to put the K into October, you know what I'm saying? So they want to put it in. Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! I love it! We need leader hosting for this.

And that's what's chaps. And we need no swing. Just saying, it'll make it more fun. Oh, I'm so happy to be back on the school. In Rhode Island, we have October Fest in Newport. So I've dressed and did a hoesin before and I've had huge beers and I've vomited in this street like the drunk tourists and I've masturbated at the supermarket just like anyone else in October Fest. Anyone else been spit roasted at a car wash?

No. October Fest! Like, wait a minute. Wait a minute. I don't think that's part of the tradition. Wait a minute, Matt, really did. It's a work feeding. So now there's a speaking of meetings, there's a stew meeting, and so Katie's whole thing

is that she likes to rotate her stews in terms of doing service and laundry stuff. So this time, Courtney's on service and Lexi is on breakfast and laundry and housekeeping. So of course, Lexi is furious about this. She's like, I don't want Katie to strip me of second stew and give Courtney more duties just because she doesn't like me. I'm like, Lexi, first of all, she does this every charter. She rotates. And second of all, if she doesn't like you, she would not have given you a cushy position last charter

when you were a monster to everyone. Yeah, and she's like, I mean, being with Matt, that's difficult. Like I'd be on the past. So then cleaning, cleaning, cleaning, and Lexi goes down, and she's like, oh my God, she said she turned to laundry and she didn't. This is exactly how I love that.

And then Z and David are talking about last night and they're talking about like, you know, David asking Malia out. So we see a flashback of that moment. But we also during that flashback, the camera really lingers on Lloyd dancing with, I think he was dancing with Katie or something. And did you notice his dancing in this flashback? He was just kind of jiggling. He was just sort of like,

he looked like he was being electrocuted. And I don't think I noticed it last week, but he was just like his hands were sort of like flapping back and forth and his whole body was just kind of like, woooo, woooo, woooo, woooo, I'm like, didn't you say you went to like dance academy with like kidnittle or something? So David's saying, when I let Lea surround Lea last night,

and I got it, it's not gonna happen, but I would like to find someone that I could travel with and grow with us. As a first, it's just having a go for the sake of having a go. You know, it would be so nice to just walk places or eat dinner. Speak on the phone occasionally. David, you're twirling again and your hands are in the air. Oh, I sometimes do that when I get uncomfortable. David, stop on your shirt. Please stop twirling and put your shirt. I love your shirt. Dude, please stop twirling and put your shirt back on.

Thank you. So, provisions arrive. By the way, was it me, there's like two hours until, it was an hour until the guests arrive? Did it feel like they were cutting it close to the provisions? I feel like that was, I feel like they ordered their provisions a little late, right? Dude, I mean, as long as Matt, I think as long as Matt does anything right, like if he does one little thing, right, people are like, well, you know, Matt didn't try to blow up the boat today, so good job! Hey, you're getting another chef's stripe.

A chef's stripe. so the provisions arrive and They now it's like okay everyone get into your whites and me on the dock in five minutes here come the guests So here come the guests and all the men are wearing t-shirts that say alcohol now, which is It's great. It's hilarious. Oh, it's oh my god. You guys your personality is being like middle-aged drugs That's so funny. I'm really it's like my god. You guys your personality is being like middle-aged drugs. That's so funny Emily is like guys everything looks Gucci guys Gucci, so yeah, they come and they're arriving to like hard rock guitars And the ladies are all wearing like sad like cotton real house west of Orange County dress barn dresses Yeah, and these are people who've been to a guy fear his flavor town restaurant. Totally. Totally totally.

Oh, and they're carrying around Chad the blowup doll. They're wacky. These guys are wacky. He's not really a blowup doll. I mean, he is technically, but he's not like a sexual one. It's just she has an inner tube and the tube has Chad attached. So it's like hilarious, because like when she's swimming in the tube, it's like chat is right behind her.

Like it's kind of hilarious. Yeah, with this time's the round. So because their personality is being alcoholics, that's all they talk about, right? Like guys, all we're discussing is alcohol. So they come on and they're like, would you like a drink? He's like, which one's the fullest drinks? That's my kidding. We drank 69 bottles of booze in seven days

and that doesn't include Chad. Kidding. Kidding. Kidding. Kidding. And Katie's like, well, he is one of the bars and there's also another ball downstairs. He's like, we'll be using both of those bars kidding. Kidding. Kidding. Kidding. I'm an alcoholic and I've actually lost my job and I'm in danger of losing my entire family. Kidding.

Kidding. Um, so Captain, free up lines, time to free up lights, David. Let me know when the port boat is free or the port bow is free. All right. All stirred lines on board. So then, Malia, could you untangle David? It looks like he's are twirling and his hole in the ropes is coming in. Malia, David, was doing the ropes with his shirt off again and his nipple got cut or not. So could you please go pick him up off to sidewalk? That would be great. Oh, oh, and Malia, I think that Lloyd may have knocked over a bucket of water doing his dancing again. Could you make sure you check on that please? Thanks so much.

So Malia, you know what? I love to teach people. Would you like to practice docking? And she's like, well, this is my first time actually taking the boat off the dock. And this situation is more difficult because I'm taking out the slit between two concrete dolphins, which I could crash into. I hate the dolphins. They drive me nuts, you know, because I, first of all, I hate that we have to think about the dolphins. I also, I know that they have, they serve some sort of purpose. I know there's a functional purpose, perhaps like moring or whatever, but why if you have a harbor with giant boats coming in and out, why do you put giant concrete

obstacles in the middle of the harbor? I rebuked the dolphins and I like to pass a motion to make them illegal in the entire world. Yeah, well, I guess it's that whole protective thing. Well, if they can't park straight, then maybe they'll just get a hole under boat and sink, so we don't have to deal with them crashing into the dock. Just, you know, I mean, like these are waters that Captain Glenn has to navigate. So let's not add any further obstacles, okay? Yeah.

If anybody is calling for rubber dolphins with that season of Bulla Dexailing. Thank you. Put some bumpers on them. Okay, so now Malia is, this is like, I don't know if you're, if this is what your childhood experience was, but I know there were definitely some times where it was like sit on your dad's lap

and drive the car, this is the moment, right? And Malia is like, she's like, moving the boat and then Captain Sandy is like, let's take it into the bridge so that they go into the bridge and she's doing it some more and it's like, you know, Malia's, she's take it into the bridge. So then it go into the bridge and she's doing it some more. And it's like, you know, Mollia's, she's a big girl now and she's driving the boat. Yeah, and the way she's like, go Mollia, you're doing wonderfully.

I'm almost ready to open up to you. Ha ha ha ha. And then the lady, the lady is talking to Chad. And she goes, hey Chad, don't be in the hot tub, huh? Just kidding. So she's like, what's your name again? X-E, Lexi, Lexi. OK, and then Courtney, who's that?

Who's Courtney supposed to be? Poor Courtney can't catch a break with any of these guys. Yeah, and Lexi is like, yeah, I'm the second stew. Yeah, as she tells us, you know, I find that like, when I say that I'm the second to, like, people respect that, like, there's like, it means something when you're the second to. So apparently it means that she is not refilling cocktail glasses, although I guess that's more of Courtney's job this charter because they get their drinks are empty because they're

drinking their drinks really quickly, and then they're doing that thing where like, uh-huh, my drink is my glass is empty. I don't think I like the sound. This is an empty glass. Cause I like the drink. Oh my God. Oh my God. Terrible sound. Kidding.

Not kidding. You're sorry, not kidding. Okay. So then Katie's like, Lexi likes to get eyes and then a lady's like, that's it. I'm going downstairs. This is unacceptable. The art drinks aren't fall. So they go down the service stairs. And she's like big surprise. The boys up there need Tito's and T. Might as well bring one for Chad. Unless we need to refill again. Just some classic Chad humor. You know, he's not real. Okay. Don't be too concerned there, everyone.

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And the next time you step on yet another stray Lego in the middle of the night, you'll feel less alone. So if you like to laugh with us as we talk about the hardest job in the world, listen to, I love my kid, but wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen ad free on the Amazon music or Wendry app So now they they finally get their booze now they're gonna sit down for lunch and Lexi is just like muttering to herself in the laundry room. She's like psychosheck has clothes. I got a clean So she's stuck down there in the in the laundry room and Courtney is

She's Courtney is talking about how I love I love talking to people. I love that. It's my favorite thing is talking about how I love talking to people. I love that, it's my favorite thing is talking to people. I don't like being stuck in the back. That's like not something that I like, daddy. And then Lloyd is doing, again, he's saying, you know, it's just so wonderful. I feel like I can be myself 100%. I could be 100% 90% straight on this boat. And that just makes me so happy

And he's like he's wearing headphones and They're kind of making fun of him because they're like old 80s headphones and they're like oh my god Though I'd love your headphones. He's like look at me. I'm going to use his silver thing that the anchor comes out of as a DJ stand look at that I'm like wow Lloyd that's funny He's like oh my god. I'm stand, look at that. Oh, oh, oh, oh. I'm like, wow, Lloyd, that's funny. He's like, oh my God, I'm opening up. Look at this. I love pretending to be a DJ. Lloyd, thank you so much for opening up the trancem. We really needed that.

Thank you. All right, let's get those toys out. God, they're so lucky to experience full on me. So then Katie offers them some more T- and the guys like hold on thinking about it. Kidding! Yes I do, a new rule, don't ask. Okay. Don't ask, don't tell, just drink, right?

So then now the slide is going out and David has to go blow up more rain, he was like the big unicorn float and everything. And so then Katie calls Lexie downstairs. She's like, Hi, Chica. Could you just line the table close for tonight and just let us know when Sandy's bedding is ready? And Lexie's like, Oh, oh, oh,

while they're eating lunch, one of the guy goes, whoa, I'm a fish guy and that fish is still really good. Hey, guess why? Because it's fish. I thought he said he I'm a fish guy and that fish is still really good. Hey, guess why? Because it's fish. I thought he said he's not a fish guy. Oh, I thought he was like, I'm a fish guy. Like I'm a fish expert and this fish is still really good. No, I think he was not a fish guy.

Who knows? I mean, these people are so multifaceted. So, Courtney says, I feel like whatever whatever she's talking to Katie and she goes, I feel like whatever you said to her, change the mentality. Like, I don't want to be here. I have a condo or that shit. I feel like that was her mentality. And then after you spoke with her, she and Sandy spoke with her, I feel like it's actually something in that feel like she's been really different and she's just been like so quiet recently. And then it cuts the Lexi like, oh wow, this is Maria's sexy black dress.

Great. So then the captain goes to check on lunch. The guy that's great, isn't he? It wasn't that lunch great. And then slide action. And captain's like, Lloyd, oh my God, you know my name got them that I opened up Lloyd You can drive the boat out of Anchorage tomorrow if you want it. He's like That would be

That's what that's how I say amazing when I lock people and I open up to them I've always wanted to go to Alaska or no Anchorage is something different here But I'm glad you told me about that. Thank you for opening up to me. It was so hot, but I've done it, Sandy. I've done it, I've opened up about Anchorage. So Lexi is spraying some iron steam and the fire alarm is set off.

And she's spraying iron steam for like, it's like an aimless idle iron steam. Like, she's not spraying it to actually press anything. She's like, it's like aimless idol Ironstein. Like, she's not spring. It's a actually press anything. She's just spring it into the air. Yeah, it's FML Ironstein. If I gotta hate everything. And you know, David was so happy.

He's like, oh, thank God. Thank God I'm not the only one who set off a false alarm with Yoda and oh, thank God. No, so, but the cops are coming. Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't The Jetski's are speeding and they're getting too close to the shore and also we're hearing a reports of too much iron steam in this part of the ocean Oh, yeah, sorry about that. Oh God that was scary, huh? Thank God we're getting in trouble Well, there's actually one more thing

We heard that you have someone who is rich enough for an $8,000 a month condo and you actually have her doing laundry Is this the truth? That's the truth Not illegal keep it out there. It's fine. Okay. Thank you. Thank you. We have we have reports of We have reports of someone on your boat who is being more open than he ever has been before Do you can you confirm this? Oh, yeah, that's Lloyd. Okay one moment. Oh The police just threw a book at my head I've been bullied by the Popeau. So one last thing, do you have someone named David on this boat? Of sure do.

Please ask him to keep his shirt on. Thank you. Oh, we also got a report of a flagrant bad birthday cake making from your galley. Is that something that is happening? Yes, unfortunately, yes. Okay, we will have to find you for bad sheet cakes, yes. And please have that chef stop jerking off the side

of the boat, not attractive. Not illegal, but not attractive. The fish seem to do, they do seem to like it. Normally these things are maritime issues, but we as humans don't like it so Oh gosh, so the guys head to the hot tub and The everyone's bringing in the toys getting ready for dinner and then a lady's like oh my god The champagne so good. I'm gonna pour some in the hot tub monster hero monster. Yeah monster

so Monster hero monster. Yeah monster So so and the mat is like planning tonight's dinner and so one thing he's gonna do is make some soup because well because soup's fun to garnish Please don't ever say that on a date. I mean I agree, but don't say that on a date Not that this is I can't wait to say basil oil. I can't wait So Katie tells Lexi to cut some oranges or something and Lexi, this is like the straw that breaks Lexi's back. She's not what the orange is. So I'm a literally Cinderella right now. I'm sorry last time I checked Cinderella, I had to do things much worse than cutting an orange. Okay. Yeah. So then Malia is like, Also, like you complained about having your finger smell like vinegar.

And now you're doing something that's going to make your finger smell lovely and you're going to complain about that too. So Malia is like, David, you're in charge of getting everything done. All right. And he's like, well, you know, I wasn't love with me. And so it is kind of awkward, but I would rather, rather than have a relationship, I'd rather be prided on my work. Oh, okay. So then, um, down in the mess, Captain and Katie are talking, and she's like, so Katie, how are you feeling on interior?

She's like, oh, well, I have caught me on service. Oh, and Lexi's been quiet. Hey, well, she's been a little bit more chatty, I guess. And the captain's like, God, look at me. Building leaders. I'm the leader of factory. OK, just calm me. Calm me if you need more of my inspirational advice. Oh, before I go, hang in there. And Katie tells us, Lexi's been quiet ever since that night and but if she's unhappy doing laundry house keeping

I mean you near the job and I'm not gonna punish Courtney by taking off the service just to keep Lexi happy I mean this is how it works. We rotate no David not literally you can start twirling you don't have to be rotate There's more of a figurative. Oh, and I know you're sure it's off all right, okay So then Matt's talking about how the guests come to the boat. They come to the boat and they come straight to me. Like they want to see me. And there's really a lot of pressure. I don't think it, I don't think I'd be broken if someone complained about my food, but he's not. He really is. He would be 100% broken and he'd be a nightmare.

What he made you wouldn't be broken if someone complained about the food. You nearly had a connection, Fit, when Lexi stood in a dirt pile. Like a little pile of dust. And that has way lower six. Yep, so Malia is talking about how she loves that her people will ask her questions.

And then the lady and the guy are still using the service stairs. Good to see you. And I'm proud of they hurt themselves because that's what you can. That is what you get. And then Lexi's cleaning toilets and Courtney's making her first ever, dirty martini. And then they are all then they're all the guests that down at the table. They've all got undressed.

They also down the table for dinner. And you know, I got to say these people do seem awful, They are all then that all the guests are down at the table. They've all got undressed. They also down the table for dinner and You know, I got to say these people do seem awful, but they've got great aim because though the lady throws them an olive It gets right into the main guy's mouth. I was like, you know what? Those are animals. That's what they're doing. They fucking practice that shit all day long. Let's see it. Let's see it. Let's see it. Yes. A big, big seal, big drunk seal. Yeah. So that means that they've thrown a lot of food around restaurants that hasn't gotten into people's baths,

you know, the way in the practice. It's just, it's a horrible people. You're right. We think about the successes, but we don't think about the fails, right? And a lot of, yeah. A lot of olives that were on that floor. Yeah, so like a huge, a very long journey of dickishness for them to get to this point.

Yeah. So then we have a scene with Courtney and the, uh, where they, they're just like chatting and they just feel like they've known each other. But we've been together for a million years and our bet will be together for a million more and I wish I knew the lyrics to the rest of this song So I guess we can just go right to the chorus Baby without

Sailing just like saline. Oh, yeah. What do we do, baby? Baby, without y'all. No, no, no, no. So then, yeah, Courtney and Z, the way they talk about each other, are totally two people who are so wasted every time they're together they don't really know the other person. She's like, we have a connection. We have a connection. I mean, it's like we've known each other for years.

It's like we've known each other for years. We have good banter. We have good banter. My head hurts. I hit her head on the closet door. We'll see. We'll see. Yes.

And then we got to add from this lovely moment to Malia going Stack city bitch stack stack city bitch 1010 honey. I was like oh god. Please don't bring your version of tiger into this And so then and now we're serving the famous soup. It's so easy to garnish the soup is going out It's white just like my sperm so Lexi calls Katie and she's like um cabins are done and so then Courtney's goes down to the cabin and she calls Katie and she's like um could you make me in VIP but the guests won't wine but she's like like, okay, I'll come down. But the guest will be like, wait a second, our wine is empty. We've been here five minutes, how is our wine still empty?

And so they have to redo the cabins because Lexi did them wrong. And she put the duvet on wrong. And Courtney's like, you know what, Lexi doesn't like this work, so she's gonna be shit at that. I don't think she's happy, you know, she's not happy And she's in a bad mood, but you know what if she was in bad mood She would be better at it because then she could be happier about bad moods happiness I don't know the duvetes on wrong. That's all I'm saying

Yeah, she bass is like maybe she would have should be in less of a mood about this work if she was actually good at it. So then Katie, who do they professional do they slamming? Yeah, it was some do they shade. It was good. So then Katie now has to rush upstairs because she was busy helping fix the room that Lexi didn't even do in the first place.

And so then the guests were like, oh, we're serving ourselves. And Katie's like, well, I feel like I'm really feeling my job. And she's just like stressed out of her mind. Yeah. And Malia is impressed with her crew, no complaints. And Katie calls Lexi and tells her to go to bed. And then one of the guys is like, here's my thoughts, Mack. So he takes Mad aside to plan out meals and he's like here's my thing but I want to put

your own thing on it okay but like this food dude it's been the best like literally everything you've served except the brata could be thrown right into my mouth and you know what the brata was in a huge mess but my eye does still kind of hurt so look starting, like maybe more on the brought worst side I guess, but then we can transition to do- I'm not saying drop the German flair which we asked for specifically before we came here, I'm just saying we hate German shit. Okay, we just want to dress like idiots, so just drop everything German. Oh yeah, no problem, you guys are awesome, it's no problem. Oh God, my schnitzel and chill is gone.

Huh. So then is the be a God in fun time, party time night where they've put together. Or no, they're not there yet. Molly is getting it together, right? And she's like, she's like, we're gonna do flip cop guys, okay? We're gonna play flip cop. The ancient dream edition of flip cop.

So, so this is the next morning, and Lexi's on breakfast, and she doesn't like cause she hates Matt, and she just wants to avoid him and not be near him, cause she doesn't know if she's gonna get like nice Matt or evil Matt, which I think is fair, but ultimately you do have to be near him because you're serving breakfast. So instead she's taking photos of the sunrise.

And then Sandy, Lloyd, Lloyd, Sandy, please come to the bridge. Please come to the bridge. Hey Lloyd, there you are, little guy. Guess what? Guess what we're gonna do now? Throw books at my head! No, no, no, no, we'll do that later. You get to drive. You get to drive.

You get to drive the boat now, big boy. Oh, so he does, and he takes a seat, and the music's like, Right, the anchor. What speed would you like? She's like, right now, you're gonna switch to autopilot. Sometimes I do go on to autopilot. No matter where I am, I can just keep on going. God, you know me so well. Congratulations. Yes. Queen. Oh, that was just 10% of my homosexuality

coming out. So Lloyd, Lloyd is, he's basically like, I wasn't sure. I wasn't sure if on the last boat, if I wanted to become a, I put a lot of time and money into becoming a RT and then I'm not supposed to say. I'm sorry, I have to stop you because it goes, you know, I've spent a lot of money to change my career from tour guide. Like did he go to Yale?

Did he go to the Yale School of Decadent? I don't know why I thought that was so fucking funny. Because then it shows him like some wacky picture. You know, like, it's like, oh, look at me, I killed a moppup bus. It was like, you know, he was like, you know, he was like the tour guide for the moppets. He was like, hello, who do we have here?

And then like a bunch of moppets, like the moppett band gets on, like, we're late for a gig. All right, I know just how to get there. Like, he's literally only served as a tour guide for things that are puppets or specific. He's like, this is the Jim Henson Muppet Studio. Happens to be right next to a raw stress for less, but we're going to be ignoring that because it's not muppet things. Spirit And Kermit's like hey guys everyone go through broken my head That was the one

Kermit got fired for like talking about splooching on strangers and sex clubs too much My last boss was a terror. I'll tell you what happened I was trying my best and she would just come up to me go hi Yeah, and she was such a diva. It ruined me. I was bullied by Miss Piggy. You know, animal was actually quite sweet. Right. Yeah. The Arnie. So, um, the, one of the ladies asked for hot water. She's like, I brought my own tea, so can I have some hot water? I was like, whoa, you guys get a lot snooty here when you're not shit-faced.

I'm like, I love that you bring your own kombucha, but then the rest of the day your liver is just basically being stomped all over. I know, she's like literally the entire day, it's like you're just receptacles for anything that has any sort of alcohol in it and whatsoever but then like in the morning, it's like, oh, hi, I require a specialty. All of a sudden, she has standards. Yeah. So the guests are ordering cappuccino some stuff,

and the lady has been waiting for her tea for a while. It only takes four minutes. Yeah, I was actually mad. You could say that like the tea, my anger was brewing because it's like going on and on, it's like 13 minutes, and then Lexi's doing all these other drinks, and then she serves cappuccinos, and she's still hasn't served the drink, and then she's going downstairs, and we're even doing shackles. Like shackles are dropping, and the tea hasn't been served, and it's been 30 minutes on Diane, who ordered it. Well, that's a long form man's on the tea over there. I mean, at this point, the

Diane should have said something. No one was there to say anything to unless you want to go down the stairs like her damn friends did. So then finally, the tea is delivered 30 minutes later and then it's breakfast time. And the lady's like, well, the food's out, but I guess what's the worst thing that can happen? Fly poop. Um, we don't have plates here. We don't have any plates. That was so nice of them to try to act like we think they actually eat off the plates. We know that they just go in with their bare hands and just shove it in their face, but either way, the plate, uh, the table setting was not made. There were no plates. So I

like how the guy put it, he goes, that's literally the first layer of breakfast. The first layer is the plate. So, Katie's getting annoyed because that makes her look like she doesn't know how to do or isn't doing her job. And then everyone's like, oh, in addition to plates, we have water, MMOsas and extra napkins, and specialty, please, please, please. And so she's like losing her mind.

Yeah, and the guys like, what do you, well, one man showed this morning, Katie, what's happening? So the breakfast was played in and the Matt's calling Katie and she's like, I need you to bring it up today because I've got a lot going on. And he says, Katie is struggling because Lexi didn't set her up for success. And then by saying Lexi should be fired because half of it's just me not enjoying being around her

but you know I guess I don't think it's a viable offense it's just annoying it's like getting to a sex party and you've been given the wrong address I mean can you still jerk off into a mailbox sure but what's it to not eat plant for yourself oh god I never was more mortified when I showed up to a sex party. It was actually a synagogue. Oh God. So, uh, did learn the roof. They called that one. I showed the my tradition. So, uh, so that big week for Fiddler on the roof for us big week. Yeah, big, big week. Well, if that gets in your head and never leaves it's why it's such an enduring classic. Yeah.

So, after breakfast they guess they go on the water toys or on the jet ski they're on the slide and Sandy is, Sandy is like watching the slide from her, from her, her perch and she sees it through the window and she's like, oh god, oh god, we're gonna have to call, do we have to call them Norma to get another slide? Oh god, so she goes actually, Malia, Malia, Malia, the slide needs some serious air. I mean, we're the fun factor. We are the fun, you can't spell fun without using an F,

which is also used in factor and also is close to the letter A by about five letters and A is how you start air. Okay, you know what I'm saying? You need air, you need air. And it's like, we just need a few minutes. She says, no now, Malia, look, David, this is a big part of slides, feel it. Why is this not hard?

And he's like, well, the small thing is a rock. It's like, every time a guest goes down We fill that's what I want to see every time you see a guest go down the slide boom fill it back up How about that? You know why because we're fine. I want to be the fun charter David, okay? Excuse me. I feel like I should probably part of this conversation because I heard you say things like why is this not hard? Everything was rock and then to go down like why is this not hard? Everything was rock and then to go down. See now that's a fun charter. Good job, Matt. Glad I kept you.

So she's like, listen, I don't care how much of a battle this light is. We are gonna fight this battle. Everybody get to the front lines. And Lily is like, listen, I haven't confirmed that there's a leak, okay? Just yeah, but then we have to pump after the guest goes down She's like, I know, but the problem is we only have one pump so it has to go from here to the fucking You know unicorn thing out there so back to here to whatever other floaty thing they're on, okay? It's a lot of running and she's like, okay, you know what? Guess what I'm gonna be in charge of Fun well, yeah, but besides that know what guess what I'm gonna be in charge of. Fun.

Well yeah, but besides that. Hair. Real. A lot of fun. No, the slide. Okay, I'm gonna do this. And guess what it's gonna be. Fine.

Definitely, uh. Fun factor. Okay. Fun factor 50. It's all happening. Okay. So Malia's like, ugh. Because Malia turns out it's like getting very angry.

So, so Sandy is like pumping up the, she's pumping up the slide. And she's like, ugh, because Mulya turns out is like getting very angry. So, Sandy is like pumping up the slide, and she's like, now that's a hard slide, okay? That's fun for the whole family right there, okay? Let's go downstairs. So now they're going downstairs. She goes, so Mulya, yeah, I think the valve is broken. I heard leaking air, and Mulya's like, oh, just give me some food.

She's like, I checked them all. She's like, but it's leaking air, Mulya. You's like, I checked them all. She's, but it's leaking air. Malia, you know what, I'm going down there and I'm gonna see if one of the hot people has a kit. And Malia's like, God, do you know what I'm saying? She's losing her mind. So you hear Captain Sandy down in the engine room or whatever.

And she's like, hey, hot person, listen. I would, what do I do with the slide? And he goes, well, I would just keep it inflated every hour because it doesn't deflate quickly It's just yes It does because they made it sound like it deflated right away. It's like who said that? Malia Malia's like god damn it. So Malia goes downstairs. Suddenly she's getting titled on and she's like

Let's we filled up this morning. So by the time the guests want to use it like we had to fill it up again So Santa goes oh, so it does last Well, it just it depends on when we fill it up versus when they want to use it I Couldn't believe how wrapped up I was on this slide discussion So I can't believe how wrapped up captain was she was like this was her thing for the season the slide pump so She's like okay, so you do know that Emily is like yes, I'm very aware of what happened the slide just means the pump thing I just will calm down. I'm not challenging you, Malia. Whoa. Well, sorry. I'm late for sad court

Okay, well sorry. I'm late for sad court Which as we all know is where they prosecute maritime law. Okay, sorry Sorry, Mary time law. So then say is it just keep breathing just keep breathing eat maybe nap have some brains You know God I wish we had a banana on this. Oh God. You want to talk about fun factor? It's the banana You know what Malia? I'd love for you to keep breathing. And when you breathe, exhale into the slide. Okay. Listen, Malia, I want you to keep breathing, but also know that every time you do exhale, you deflate a little bit, and that's just not what we call fun on this boat.

Okay, so just have to hold your breath until the rest of the charter. Please don't make me pump you. So then Katie is telling Katie's like Lexi. There was no cutlery, netkins or plates on the table. She goes, well, I mean, I wasn't done. So I was doing juices, I was doing laundry, then I was coming back and doing coffee, so like, I didn't have time to finish it. So I'm, um, brainless from, I'm sorry. Yeah.

And she's just making up excuses and everything and Lexi tells us. Um, yeah, the plates thing, I had no idea. Like just my brain is swamped and like no one wants to mess up and like I forgot to put plates in color down. So that sucks, but you know what? Avocando in Miami. Avocando. I'm while she's saying that she was so busy that they cut to the shots of her taking selfies at sunset or sunrise.

So now it's time for the beer Olympics. It's flip cup frenzy. Then you're gonna go upside down, put on a life jacket, upside down, to go to the upper deck, then you're gonna have a champagne box, then you're gonna bang, and then you're gonna do shots out of a snorkel. And really the thing that I cared about the most

about this whole thing, this giant like relay race of drinking was in the middle of it. There's this woman named Bonnie, who like, she was in the water and then she tried to pull herself out of the water. She had a tube on and she trying to pull herself out of the water onto like the naughty boy, which is like that sort of like floating deck.

And she like could not get out and she was doing it for like five minutes, just like riving and like slipping and sliding and it's like going on and on. And then she finally gets off like out of the tube and onto the onto the thing. And you just hear someone go, nice, Bonnie. Bonnie is like, don't fucking page rise. I didn't even want to do stupid activity. Bonnie's like, I'd like to thank you, camera man, for standing there for the past 20 minutes.

They said, come and take it, go on a yacht. It'll be fun. They said, I'll get a lot of time to just read my book and you know, relax, that's what they said. Mm-hmm. So Lexi comes up to Katie and she's like, well, all the cabins are basically bad. So I go, all right, then jump on the laundry,

then take a break. Thank you. So one of the ladies is talking to Katie at the bar and she's like, um, Lexi was starting a room, but then she never came back to finish it. And so like all the cleaning supplies are still there, and there's no towels. And she's like, oh, my God, I can't have my stupidest failing at the most simple tasks. So Katie calls Lexi and tells her to check the cabin because all the cleaning supplies are in there. And so she's just getting so mad and so Sandy checks in and is like, Hey, Katie, what's going on? Just well, you know, Lexi is making my job really, really hard.

And Cindy goes, listen, I've had crew members that have been Lexi, okay? It's just like what I said to Bonnie out there. I said, don't give up. Okay? You can do it. You can get out of that. Okay, Bonnie. Lexi's just a Bonnie. Okay? She just needs to be lifted up or just needs a different tube. Oh, Bonnie, I didn't see that you were actually right down there at our feet. Okay, you need a hand. You're gonna do it yourself. Okay, Bonnie.

Come on, don't give up, Katie. I don't give up. You don't give up. And Katie's like, listen, it's not like I don't not like her, but you know what, I guess I'll have to take responsibility. Katie, I know that you're trying to have a good attitude and I appreciate that, but one of your eyes has completely stopped moving. Katie's just like turning into Popeye over there. She's like,

Oh, I want to give her some military. Don't give up. Don't give up. You know, it's very important to me that the department heads lift up their crew. You know, right now, this is all about Katie. You know, I need to trust her to navigate her stools? Now when she can't, that's when I have to step in. And I was like, whoa, because that sounds like she's threatening Katie, right? It does. And then she gets a text from Norma,

and Norma writes, your deck slash crew has clear to quarantine. And that's the cliffhanger. Dun, dun, dun. It's someone else coming on board? And based actually on the trailer, someone is, the question is, is it going to be, will there be a firing or just another person?

Oh, I don't know. I've never had. I've never had. Yeah. Yeah, I would think it's a firing. I think it's a firing, but it's weird because they normally don't spoil that. They don't show that someone new is coming on board.

Yeah, they are tricky. They are tricky on this show. Maybe they decided to fire Lexi before when she deserved it, but they couldn't, they didn't have the crew quarantined yet, so they just kept her for the song. I mean, who knows? Who knows? Who knows, really? I guess we'll have to wait for next week, okay?

Guy? Yeah. Well, everybody, thank you to wait for next week. Okay guy. Yeah. Well everybody Thank you so much for being here later in the week. We will have our Real Housewives of Salt Lake City crap and on demand special episode trailer break down We will also be back later this week for Real Housewives of Beverly Hills in New York also we did the morbid podcast this week Oh, yeah, that was super fun. We talked about murder ballads with the ladies of morbid if you don't listen to that It's a really really good crime podcast Ashen Alina hosted and their fantastic so go check it out. It's called morbid guy. Go look at it on your podcast apps We'd love doing it

And we'd love doing this, obviously guys! Yeah, thanks everyone for listening, and we'll catch you on the next episode. Bye! Bye! Watch what crap ends with like to think it's premium sponsors! Ain't no thing like Allison King! Ashley Savoni, she don't take no baloney! She's not just a Sheila, she's a Daniella.

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