Watch What Crappens - Candy Coated Christmas, Part 2

Episode Date: December 28, 2021

We're back for part two of Candy Coated Christmas with Matt and Jake of Reality Gays! Be sure to watch this ep with Crappens on Demand: https://www.patreon.com/posts/60306533/editGet tix to our live shows: https://www.watchwhatcrappens.com/10th-anniversary-hunky-dory-tour/See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey, Prime members, you can listen to Watch What Crapins Add Free on Amazon Music. Download the app today. Get ready for a double load of Queen of Hearts. It's me, Jujubee, and I return to guide sexy singles through some ronchy blind dates. Cameras off. Voice only. Launching during pride. Queen of Hearts takes Miami by storm, with Daeders' Cuppe from Tampa Bayes, Just Chas, and Brittany Brave to name a few. Follow Queen of Hearts on Amazon Music or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm gonna watch one, I'm gonna watch one, I'm gonna watch one, I'm gonna watch one, I'm gonna watch one, I'm gonna watch one, I'm gonna watch one, I'm gonna watch one, I'm gonna watch one, I'm gonna watch one, I'm gonna watch one, I'm gonna watch one, I'm gonna watch one, I'm gonna watch one, I'm gonna watch one, I'm gonna watch one, I'm gonna watch one, I'm gonna watch one, I'm gonna watch one, I'm gonna watch one, I'm gonna watch one, I'm gonna watch one, I'm gonna watch one, I'm gonna watch one, I'm gonna watch one, I'm gonna watch one, I'm gonna watch one, I'm gonna watch one, I'm gonna watch one, I'm gonna watch one, I'm gonna watch one, I'm gonna watch one, I'm gonna watch one, I'm gonna watch one, I'm gonna watch one, I'm gonna watch one, I'm gonna watch one, I'm gonna watch one, I'm gonna watch one, I'm gonna watch one, I'm gonna watch one, I'm gonna watch one, I'm gonna watch one, I'm gonna watch one, I'm gonna watch one, I'm gonna watch one, I'm gonna watch one, I'm gonna watch one, I'm gonna watch one, I'm gonna watch one, I'm gonna watch one, I'm gonna watch one, I'm gonna watch one, I'm gonna watch one, I'm gonna watch one, I'm gonna watch one, I'm gonna watch one, I'm gonna watch one, I'm gonna watch one, I'm gonna watch one, I'm gonna watch one, I'm gonna watch one, I'm gonna watch one, I'm gonna watch one, I'm gonna watch one, I'm gonna watch one, I'm gonna watch one, I'm gonna watch one, I'm gonna watch one, I'm gonna watch one, I'm gonna watch one,ppens, that's Jake and I don't know why I'm starting it like this, everyone. I'm going to do Ronnie's face. That's Matt and Jake from RealityGaze. Hi, welcome to the Crappens and RealityGaze crossover event.

Part two, we're recapping a candy-coated Christmas available on Discovery Plus. And in case you missed the first episode, we spent 40 minutes talking about the first two minutes. And guess what? There's another 80 minutes. So guess what? You're gonna be listening to this until next Christmas, okay? Yes.

Hi everyone. How you guys all doing? Great. Before we jump in, just a reminder, we're all four of us are gonna be in New York literally the same weekend. We're doing crappies on Thursday, the 27th, and then you guys are doing two shows, the second one's sent out, and at Grammar See, which is a memory thing, so go to reality. Literally the same theater, yeah.

Yeah, realitygames.com. It's the four of us, the sex in the city that you wanted. Yeah, it's the true crossover event. We're all four of us are coming. And just like that, we're all in New York City. And just like that! Okay, but right now, let's go from New York City to Paparmint hollow hollow and we were in the bakery of

Someone named B. Yeah, bees. We don't know Molly our heroine has just arrived from Los Angeles with her big city Ways and condescending views of Christmas that she loves, but doesn't love, and she's arrived, and now she's walked into these bakery. Can I say, I don't think it's wise to open a restaurant that you just automatically put a B out in front of? Right at the start. Yeah, I mean, that is a very LA-reference.

That's true in marketing. But yes, we have B's, the classes of the restaurant. With that bee, there have been four rats found there. So a little bleach fell into your food. Yeah, no big deal. Stair lies. She's looking at the counter and all of a sudden, like a ghoul, up pops the pioneer woman and I scream because she scared me.

And she scared me. Now, pioneer woman says things to her like, oh my god, it's Christmas. If you're from Los Angeles, Christmas is the best holiday in Peppermint Hollow. She's like, where are you going? I'm going to Hawaii after this. Hawaii, I've heard it's beautiful. I've never be in peppermint hollow. She's like, where are you going? I'm going to Hawaii after this. Hawaii, I've heard it's beautiful.

I've never left peppermint hollow. No, no. She has this like sad desperation. Like, I've been cursed by a witch to stamp on this counter and make dirty vests for the rest of my life. I am so glad you said that. Mine is darker. What happened?

I think she has been, she was some peppermint, B was murdered in peppermint hollow, and we're now seeing her as a ghost, and her job is to make brownie bites. And if you eat one of her brownie bites, you can never leave peppermint hollow. No, that's a movie. No, that is a good, No, that is what it is.

That is good. Right there. I'm telling you, you become a solid man. That's how they get people. You can't leave. So that's true. That's true.

We can't give it away the ending. But yeah, she says, she says note. Molly says no, because she's like, mint, nobody likes mint. So she walks away from that. And I'm going to come back to this y'all. The reason why I say that she's a ghost, or a not real person from the other realm,

and she's trapped there, is not just for the wooden acting, but just that she leaves and says to Molly, when Molly's leaving, she'll be back. Yeah. Yeah. She does, she does get creepy with her. I reckon by the way. Molly never goes back to that big read the rest of movie

Just true right. Yeah, you were wrong Really back to the town She actually I wrote down Westworld robot because she's like very like she's very non-playing character in her role Like okay, so this girl standing at the counter and then okay, it just looks like this. She's like Hi, like she just stands up and she's like I didn't see you there. You were behind a glass counter Yeah, I mean glass counter. Maybe she didn't hear her because there's like exceedingly excessive which I guess is part of exceedingly, but just very loud jingle bells playing, not the music, but there's just like these, tch t peppermint and holo mocha? It's our specialty.

She's like, oh no, I'll just have a lot to. She's like, you don't like mint? No, not really. Are you allergic to mint? No, so you just don't like mint? You're just like crazy. Crazy city person doesn't like mint. Is that what you are?

It's like, yeah, she was on a crazy, except she doesn't want the mint. The way Riedrumman said that, she did say that. I kind of think Poodle is right. But Jack is right because she kind of said, you don't like mint. Kind of like a serial killer who like been fuzz with my friend. She did say it that way.

But you can tell that. You can tell that Rhee is actually from California or has been there before because she is like a service person in California because when you're like without this, they're like, are you allergic? Why can't you have it? Okay, does it need to be prepared on a separate counter from the man? Okay.

So it's meant travel over to other counters. I just do do do. They do go in on you. They will ask you, like if you ask for something, like if you get a pour over here, they're like, and you say, can then not do it, why don't you want that? That's how we do things here.

And they'll go in on you. They did that to my boyfriend last night at fucking Canter's Deli. Oh. What? Canter's like, whatever. I know even that Canter's Deli, they're like, wait, can you not have milk?

And he's like, no, I just went almond milk. And they're like, okay. Well, and then at one point, she's like, well, I'll just have a, I just want like a latte, and then, and then B is like, you want that with mint, I'm just teasing you. And then Molly's like, funny. And then, and then she's like, that'll be $3.99,

so Molly gives her some money, goes, keep the change, and you know that Molly only gave her $4, and she's like, keep the change. Yeah, hold on, keep this penny. Yeah, take this. But also, like one of the good things about going somewhere like peppermint hollow is you're like oh my god I think got it's not a Starbucks. I'm gonna get a latte for two dollars for dollars What are you sure?

For B. Well the specialty it's the only bakery in town. She rules it like some type of like Bore dello madame. She's there just to take everyone's money. So then, size Molly's from California. She's used to being a pain map. But then on top of this whole thing, after Molly has said so many times, she doesn't want mint. And now she's been stuck having this conversation

about how B has literally never been out of this tiny town in her entire life. I don't even know how she sources her ingredients or finds out about new ideas and concepts. But she's never been out of this town Then because by the way, uh brownie bite on the house and mom is like bitch how many times I'm gonna tell you I do not want mint I just want coffee. It's it's really borderline assault. It is. It's just cool It's really cruel Ronnie. Thank you for saying that and you and you see in bees or breed Breeze eyes. I'll have to find another way

Everyone left So I can move on once my dress is like ooh, I'm gonna have to call my friend Trisha yearwood How many I've never left pepper mint hollow and neither will you and neither will you I've never left pepper mint and hollow and neither will you. And neither will you. Mint brownie bite. How many, like, marketing meetings do you think there were in, like, Silver Spring, Maryland about, like, vertically integrating those brownie bites into the food network?

Right? You know that it was like, okay, on Food Network magazine, we now have to have a profile on the brownie bites. Okay, and you know, they probably had a feature that was like, get their S before the brownie bites, just like in the movie. You know, they were like, that's why they were pushing those around. the brownie bites, just like in the movie. You know, they were like, that's why they were pushing those around.

But we never saw that. I mean, maybe they was on the Food Network, but even at the, you know, this isn't giving me, at the end of the way, the movie they show like some outtakes and they don't talk about that. You know, one thing that we haven't really talked about is the fact that this was the Food Network's

first ever Christmas movie. This was a food era of the movie. Yeah, it really was, actually. I actually thought what was gonna happen was that there were gonna be some sort of like Sly recipes like I thought there'd be some moments like little tips kind of like woven through little nods or Maybe like the cooking would be more germane to the story Mint They didn't even present it look. I know I've already gone off, but they didn't even present this shit

Well, she is like she handed her a plate of poo-poo, little poo-poo, some green mint chips on it. It's like, could you present this a little bit better? They looked ugly. It looked awful on it. Yeah, it was bad. Like, nothing was uniform. I'm sorry, I wanted to judge it like the bacon,

the bacon or whatever. So she walks out, she finally extricates herself from this horrific woman behind the counter, pushing the mint confections that are not candy coated. And then she goes outside and there are some horrific children who have no boundaries and- Little jive and only liquids. Little delinquents who've been spoiled and caught

while they're throwing snowballs on a sidewalk, a busy sidewalk, the main stretch, okay? Like where is Officer Crupti now? I know. I literally yelled at that. That is assault. Ten times during this movie. I mean, I was like, our rules just traveling more slowly to Jeepeter or to Pepperman Hollow

because you can't just throw things at people in the outskirts. We made true officers. But like also, we're supposed to believe like this is the real way of life. This is what you really should be doing to your life. I'm like like being with all these unruly children throwing snowballs all over the place No, thank you. No, thank you. No, and so they and they and I understand if they kind of know you This is a stranger This is a child throwing a hardened ball of snow at a stranger Bob I haven't oh

Go ahead Matt. Sorry. I was just gonna say my mother would have grabbed me by the arm It's a Matthew Stephen Mar you know better than that. What am I mother with a Thank you side the head with the wooden spin she carried around in her But how do you even respond to being hit with a snowball in the face by a strange child? Well she wasn't hit poodle actually Well, she wasn't hit poodle actually Someone like a like in a plane with with with lost puppies needing a hojits So Kevin Costner if Kevin Costner I think actually Kevin a customer is a pilot. He is a pilot, I sure am. He is. They're all pilots. He was a model and he was rescuing dogs

with his pilot's license. But they don't really rescue, he doesn't really rescue her, he attacks her. I'm telling you, this whole movie was in the sauce. He's like, he's not, he's like, it's also not so bad. It's not so bad. I'm descending because like as obnoxious as it would be

for those kids to like actually hit her with a snowball, she ultimately would have been fine. She would have been like, actually she would have liked it. She'd been like, everything I thought about this place snowball. She ultimately would have been fine. She would have been like, actually she would have liked it. She'd been like, everything I thought about this place was true, and she would have been fine. But said this guy just assumes he's needed, and he jumps in, and he spills that fucking coffee that she spent a 30 minutes trying to order

from the crazy lady behind the corner. Yes, yes. The counter, yeah. And then he's like, hey, hey, and she's just laying there looking up, because that's like her running joke like Val again, yeah, I'm like first mom a ground. So that's her thing. There's all the stuff like you like she told someone she's like hey I want to be the next Sandra Bullock Follow I just I'm aiming for the reboot of misconjury reality put that in there for me

Please and we're so angels you think that eventually she's gonna say wait a second I can make us know angels she doesn't do that. She just falls. Oh, yes He tackles her he tackles her and she's like Jesus. You're like minting human form get off of me You kidding I just saved your life. Where's my apology? You kidding? I just saved your life. Where's my apology? It sounds like you so much entitlement like he literally we talked in the last episode about Frosty the snowman and the entitlement that he has He's like look I saved you now you do something for me, right? And now it's like it's like this guy is like She would have been fine. She would have been annoyed but she would have been fine But now he does it now he expects like a fucking data out of it. I'm a I'm a guy

I have to save a if someone goes down the street, I have to save you. That's just it. I mean, I will say, y'all, if you didn't watch the movie, I did immediately press pause on my Discovery Plus, and this is when I went into a deep, deep Instagram dive of Aaron O'Connell, because he is hotter than shit on a stick. I mean, he is a beautiful man. I think he's hot, but to me, I was kinda like, his styling was just like,

he didn't look great in the movie. I felt like, I was, he's great. He's got great hair and super hot. He is like super, super hot, and I felt like the movie could have, like did not really present him as hotly as they could have. We know, Matt and I know how hot he is and how hot he can be.

No, I'm looking up to you. Was he ever shirtless once? Thank you. Was he even in a cut off shirt? Like, or at least like show a little bit of like, I get in like some long pajamas with a little bit of cleave showing. Yeah.

None of that. So nothing said, despite all my frustration about like, the entitlement that he comes in, if the Superhawk idols like through himself on me and spelled my coffee, I'd be like, excuse me, and I'd just come out with like a tower of coffee be like does anyone have another snow? Laze I just want to show things at Starbucks the big I just can't with this No, that's not Ronnie why do you choose this is like?

I'm not saying I don't think he's running a course handsome But of course is like this is the guy who's like it's my guitar everybody Yeah, I came over for a dinner. You could pick around Well, he puts his plane on autopilot and he plays for the lost puppies as he flies them across country the new homes That's it. He you know what he does look better in other photos But they also couldn't they also they the styling you could even see what his body looked like He was all from me and sweaters. I mean, no, he's very fit.

I mean, I will say, as Poodle's used, I mean, Poodle has a gift about things with certain men, and I think, well, it's a pretty nice penis. I can just tell you. Just by seeing the angle. Oh, you can guess the like, how good the penis is. Poodle has a gift. Poodle has a gift. I can't always tell you the length

or Gert, but I can tell you the general Attractiveness level sometimes. I would like to contribute a photo. Okay, I'm not okay. I'm not happy with Ronny's selection here. Thank you, Ben. May I take this over, Ronny? May I take it over to the screen. Okay, man. Thank you, man. Thank you, man. May I take this over, Ronnie?

May I take it over to the screen? Yeah, sure. And that's where if any of our listeners are like, oh, our reality, guys, they're just like, they're just like crap, but they talk about 90 day fiancee and other, and then they went, oh, crap and says and talk about men's penis girth. So that's a little bit of a joke.

We're not, yeah. We're a little more innocent in that regard, but it's like hanging out with you and really it is like hanging out with you. I forgot how to be angry stuff on to this. So I did. Why did you do share? Is that what you did? Yeah, go down to share and then push. I like this is now a tutorial. It's like when one of our listeners sent me a Instagram message. He said, Ronnie mentioned you on the show day and I said, what do you say? He said well they were talking about a sausage and he said it this were the reality is that we totally talking about dicks right now. That's a big old dick. That is your. Thank you, Ben. I'm sorry. I just had to put up a proper photo of what that's totally like

Avacrombie catalog 2008. This is this is Sean Cody 2004. Oh, the glory days. This is this is Sean Cody 2004. Oh All the glory days Welcome all Paradise lost and I will say as I mentioned the last episode I did see a meta wedding and I can assure you that in person like oh just gorgeous just gorgeous and he's not too pretty He's not I did not do because hair looked really good this movie. I thought his hair always look good But he probably I'm so he's he's a young Josh Brolin I'm sick of hot guys just getting everything. It's like everyone's like who he's hot who cares? Okay, he's gonna be ugly soon

When you're like raised from their power. That's the best part and exactly I love it I love it. Ronny that you're so terrible like me the best part. And exactly. I love it. I love it. Ronny that you're so terrible like me. But I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I ready neither he's like yeah, so what I say to your life get used to it love mint Yeah, no, he's not a little asshole. He doesn't even out apologetic. He demands an apology actually Yeah, he says you owe me an apology

Which I'm like excuse me. You're the one who actually volunteer to insert yourself into this situation It's it's like he saves people to get an apology from them people to get an apology from them. This is to like that's his whole goal in life. People say, thank you so much. Oh my god, I'm so sorry. I did the thank you. You're welcome. I appreciate your money.

I'll put you out in front of the bus just to grab your sweater and pull you back and be like, oh my god, you almost got hit by that band. Yes. Yeah. I play the guitar. Wanna hear it? So he, oh my clothes are tiny damn Dogs so

So he introduces himself his name is Noah very biblical because of course it is very biblical and I will say I've never met a not hot no Noah agree Yeah, I think that's true. I don't know how. I've been eye-babbling around. I'm just over here like, girl. Maybe like, like, original Noah. Maybe the original, yeah. The original Noah's probably. Shape the beard, he was still hot.

I mean, I can be, he was hot at 300. But he smells because he lived with like 90 animals. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But I'm sure he loved a good DP, because he lived with like 90 animals. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know, but I'm sure he loved a good DP because he's always up for two. Jesus! Even, even I think that was clumsy. Why? Why is it that when we get to the Bible

you get like, like anything else you're fine. It's a recovery Catholic. It's a recovering Catholic. Yeah, direct your photography. You get a Catholic. Aren't you a Baptist? No, Catholic. You know? I was a recovering Catholic yeah director photography. Yeah Want you a Baptist? No, you know, I was a raised Catholic. Oh wow. It's weird It seems like he should be that like Jesus fucking I almost became a crazy youth pastor But he's not I still love Jesus and all that too. So I just you know, I just I could see you I could see you as a priest Yeah, it's like a therapist and stuff You know all the good stuff. Yeah, get people can be priests. I mean, I know plenty of but they can't go to heaven

Yeah, you just can't act on If you can't go to heaven at least go to bees bakery, right? So if you're gonna be gay just do it inside here So if you're gonna be gay, just do it inside here. Do you know who? Don't be into the same sex attraction. Sorry, y'all, we're now just on minute four. So now the point is this, he's like, you owe me an apology.

No, you owe me an apology. I agree to disagree. I'm Noah. Can I take you out or something? Like, he's just like, actually, a little too much for just a snowball situation. And of course, if I were her, I'd be like, yes, of course we're going out, you're hot as fuck.

But instead she's like, I have to run because I'm a city person who waits Christmas, okay? And I'm gonna sell a person's house who is probably not in this conversation, okay? Yeah, so she's walking down the sidewalk. I'm never gonna see him again. Thank God. Which we all know, when there's only two good looking people of the same age in the town, they always run into each other again.

And so she's walking down the sidewalk and her terrible outfit and her cheap purse and a cream sweater. And she goes to this, closed place, and she's calling it. Patrick, I have an appointment at 11-ish. I have a property. I wanted to sell right away. So if you just call me, I'm going to text him. I'm going to email him. I'm going to 11th, I have a property, I wanted to sell right away, so if you just call me, call, I'm gonna text him. I'm gonna email him, I'm gonna call him again. Where are these small town work ladies? I'm trying to sell a house on goddamn Christmas. Yeah, get out.

What was it, Christmas Eve? But it's also in this like- Someone opened my door. But it's also this narrative like city people with their schedules and their business not paying attention to important things in life. Like going to low-custom, buying milk out of a jar city city people with their showing up on time I don't care about they don't care about people being people and need to break I'm sorry I'm sorry I have to I have to separate from the pack here because I just went to a Christmas thing last week there's hundreds of people out there

we were in this little tiny town. My mom just wants to go to this one store. You get to the store. Be back. Well, what the fuck does that mean? There's hundreds of people, are you closed? Be back. So, you know, that's like little town thing.

It's just like, well, I'm gonna go to lunch. And I'm gonna tell you what fucking time I'm coming back. How about that? That is true. But I actually feel like, especially in California, no one ever is on time. Like they, no one's on time in LA. I don't think so.

I think they would be like, they would, it wouldn't be a big deal. I just know that anyone who sells a house is the thirstiest person alive, and they're gonna wanna be there. They're gonna be there. But by the means that like later on, Patrick is super aggressive about like meeting up

And I'm like sir you missed the first appointment you established like you established the pacing of this relationship So don't get all huffy when she's not ready to see you Real it. Oh, please that's it. We're gonna have a gay real it right? No, no, no, there are no gay people. There are no gay people in the sound. You just may have been a bit more masked. I know. So we've now have mentioned people of a Jewish faith later and it's it's extremely poo-pooed very quickly. Very, very. And no Jews in paper men. Oh yeah. Yeah we've are established there and there's no carbs. She's already oh yeah. Yeah she's

mentioned she doesn't eat she already told us to know that she doesn't eat carbs and like ever because that's what California's done too. That's what girls do. That's what girls do. The Meshers, here comes one right now. Celebrity Beef, you never know if you're just gonna end up on TMZ or trending on Twitter or in court. I'm Matt Bellaside.

And I'm Sydney Battle, and we're the hosts of Wonder E's new podcast, Dis and Tell. Each episode explores a different iconic celebrity feud, from the build-up, why it happened, and the repercussions. What does our obsession with these feud say about us? We're starting off with a pretty messy love triangle between Selena Gomez and Justin and Haley Bieber, a seemingly innocent TikTok of Selena talking about her laminated eyebrows. It snowballed into a full-blown alleged feud. But it doesn't seem like fans are letting up anytime soon.

Despite both Selena and the Bieber's making public statements denying any bad blood. How much of this is teen jealousy and lovers quarreling, and how much of it is a carefully crafted narrative designed to sell albums? Follow this and tell wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen ad-free on the Amazon music or wonder ya. I don't even remember how she gets to his house like I was still in a day spinning from what was happening She's Dread rental car. She got a rental car. Yeah, she's a big city. She's okay

You know she got a rental she could have bought a code at the airport. I Like this whole yeah, yeah That she was like no, I'm gonna have like this strident indipendent spirit when it comes to like her body temperature Oh, there's a great quote about that later. So, okay, so let's go back in. So now we get the Christmas song. The word, like, um, but it's a different one. Yeah.

Christmas. So God, man, I just keep, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, here she's like they thought when I was baby what that's no balance of that was another what for me that's her first line of dialogue to a stranger I just calling her orphan girl I don't even remember I need to say this and I have it this is another theory she's this is not she's a ghost do you feel like this role was written for a 10 year old girl and this is

what they got I yes I think so role was written for a 10 year old girl and this is what they got. I think so. Because I could not. She was a little too attached to the family for being with her images. I made a lip balm and like, or she's a slow 18 year old. She's one of the other.

She's just like really emo and annoying about it. Yeah, my parents died. I'm gonna write something for like, I'm gonna write a poem, you know. And she talks about her piggy bank later. And it's weird. It is weird. I was like, wow, you're the only person

in this movie who saves money. I'm not gonna go go go. But it's like, I don't know, I could not, if you told me this girl was 13, okay. If she told me she was 22, I'd kind of believe it either way. It was weird. She didn't have an age. The fact that she led with my parents died when I was a baby. That's a real, unless she's just so fucking sick of telling She's like, I just got to get out of the way. Just do the shock effect and just see what they do.

You know, they don't know. When I was a baby, and I live with my uncle and my grandma. Okay, great. When people ask you that, they don't care. Like they don't want to know. It's like when you say, how are you to a stranger? I don't really care. I'm, you know, I'm just saying like, hi.

It's my day of saying hi, you know. Save your history, lady, all right? I haven't even had a mint brownie bite. So then we're here about this. We are a booming sexy voice to say, who is it Dakota and then guess who steps in? Hotty McCot. He's made a whole lot of Noah is there. With this mouth open of course.

He's like, oh, you know, he does. I will say I he does have his mouth open a lot. Yeah, he's like, wow, look, he's like, look, I said that girl in town. He's about to give it back. He is an exasperated malfactor. He does a lot of... Yeah, he's a malfactor. So she's like, oh my God, what are you doing here? And he's like, oh, killing her parents. What are you doing here?

I'm just like, I thought I'd get a tour, I guess. And he's like, we don't give tours of our house. And she's like, not even to the owners. And he's like, what? And he goes, the galan's own the property. Because he's very slow. He doesn't like pick it up. He doesn't pick up like that.

She just said that she's the owner. And he's like, well, guess what? The galan's own it. And the galan's have a daughter named Molly, who's blond and about your height. And looks like you're in the pictures. So that's why I give the tour to. I can't, I'm gonna ask for ID.

Like, he didn't even answer that. I'm out of it. But he's still trying to get that date, you know. It's an awkward move if you ask for ID before you can get to the date. The grand, the, their, his mom comes up behind them, Kim, and says, oh, and the, and the thing is, you guys, they know that the owner of the house is there.

So put two and two together or one and one if you're that slow. Yes. You know someone's, and especially if you've been behind on the rent, if the first thing that you say isn't, we'll get you the rent, we promise you, Lord. But no one, and then, so he's so stupid, he isn't get it. Mom, I think gets an immediately, she's like, you're the spit and image of you.

I'm gonna, this woman should have been cast with an Irish accent. You're the spit and image of your mother. Because she's that silent character. I'm gonna play the sentimental card and make sure this girl does not clothe that. Exactly, I don't to keep that on Christmas Besides the besides a pioneer woman I forget her name, but this is the most famous woman in actor in

Garling tin She's been in a lot, but she's a soap actress, right? She was good actually She's good like this woman lie to me because when I got into SAG, I went to my SAG meeting and she was the SAG representative. And she told me that if I kept being an actor all in my life, I would get this wonderful pension. We'd be able to quit our day jobs. You just have to commit to the union.

Commit to the union. I just got a check from Modern Family for 39 fucking cents and I don't have a pension. That's woman, it's a crook. She's gonna have to scam at you. Well, look, I'm going through IMDb now and she was in a two-parter episode of Medium, which is one of my all-time favorite shows. She's a great character actor. It is the longest thing in every single season. I actually really enjoyed her.

She's real giving me a Mercedes rule energy. So she's like being all like, oh my god, I remember when you were a kid. Don't have Victus. I remember your mom. You're right. She knew. She knew. She kind of like shades her.

I felt like this was shade. She was like you look like your dress for Hawaii Hawaii we don't know we don't know why The state that's not attached to the 48 what is this? Yeah, you look like your dress like you're gonna go to a big lot sale to work Yeah, and Molly's like well, that's where I'm headed after this. The Hawaiian Kim's like, oh, you're serious. Well, let's get you some boots or something. If we're gonna take it to her. And she's like, I don't need boots.

I'm the falling down. It's my thing. Did I do it right now? And Noah's like, be careful on those steps because you're just a silly lady who doesn't understand stairs and shoes. And she's like, what? I'm a lady from Los Angeles. I know it all.

And then she falls over and then is in the snow again. She goes. Yeah. Yeah. By the way, she all says like you knew that was going to happen. He's like, no, I didn't. Yeah. He knew when they told you to put on some goddamn boots.

Yeah. It's called ice lady. By the way, she announces that she's going to Hawaii so many times. Like, you know she's not. She's like, I'm definitely going to Hawaii tomorrow. I can't wait. Yeah, really. I'll never do that one up. It's pretty clear.

I also just want to, so, well, and this is kind of, but I'm going to talk about this probably a lot, but I just wanna say, who from Home Goods decorated this house, cause Holy fuck. It's out of control. It is, it is bad. I don't know if it was cleaning it, cause this house does not look clean.

I mean, I could smell capy, I could smell the capy, and there's not even a cat. Yeah, I could smell dust mites I could smell the capy and there's not even a cat. Yeah, I could smell dust mites. Yeah, that's kind of, yeah. Also, like, you're behind on your rent and you're clearly still going out and buying new decorations. Thank you.

And that's like, thank you. So you're some, you're free to something. I mean, what's that? Someone's Discover Card is maxed. Like, you guys, literally all they do in this movie is spend money this time. That's it. in this movie spend money this time yeah they're dropping money they got $300 left on their Donner's Club and that's fucking it I mean it is every single inch of this house is like and you know that's money you're behind the way you don't have to

decorate the room that no one's sleeping in that I when people decorate their toilets in their bathroom. I love Christmas, but that freaks me out. Yeah. Speaking of, I want one of those toy that lights you put in there, and it's like turns colors. I'm getting one of those.

But like, you think? I thought I'll face you. Hot cocoa. Hot cocoa. Hot cocoa. Hot cocoa is a luxury. It is a luxury. And it looks like she's like, I made this this purely and we're gonna make cookies and blah blah blah

They're cooking bacon in the scene girl they have five floors they have five-course breakfast with the whole ham And I thought they're not leaving anything I mean they're not they're not eating that all where's like it? They keep cooking is? It's like, you're leftovers. See your money, cook the coupon. Come on. Okay, so for this, too, where he takes her to his greenhouse, this is such a fucking guy thing to do.

She's like, wow, can I see this house that, you know, I kind of grew up in, my, you know, my dead mom spent all this time in, and they're like, oh yeah, you can get a tour of the greenhouse. No. I know, it's like, I do you think like for a moment, you're like, oh yeah, you can get a tour of the greenhouse. I know it's like, I do think like for a moment, you're like, oh wow, now this is getting interesting. It's like, it's pot, like an entire greenhouse of pot. That's what that would be, great movie.

I think you want to watch me play football on the PlayStation. Yeah, and then he's like so proud. He's like, oh, look at all this mint I've grown. You know what they say about mint? It grows like a weed. Everyone always says don't plant mint with the other things because it takes over. And then he's like so proud. He's like, oh, look at all this mint I've grown. You know what they say about mint? It grows like a weed. Everyone always says don't plant mint with the other things

cause it takes over. So congrats to the guy who actually is like the mint. You really see this thing, yes. Also, no, what do you have a surplus of it? Yeah, we're, Andrew, I'm not selling it. You're just basically killing mint right now. What's he doing? It's like a mint slaughterhouse.

And he explained a greenhouse. Like, you know, the greenhouse, not sure if you're aware, but the greenhouse is 30 degrees warmer than the outside cold. She responds with the strangest statement. I can't believe this was written by an actual person and not a computer that spitted that just spit out that she's like, huh? I wish I was 30 degrees warmer than the outside cold. You did. You would be dead.

No, it was such a way. It's like, you know how you see a movie or you read a script and you're like, I wish they talked like people. They don't talk like people. They don't talk like people in this movie. I mean, this is, well, there's another part where she's on the Overwatch. I'll talk, but I'll point that out. But why is he telling her, why is he,

is this like to say, is this, do that, does, did someone, I'm getting so flustered, did some executive read the script and say, I'm afraid someone's gonna watch this movie and wonder why those plants are alive in the middle of the winter, so can we explain why it's, why they're real? I think you're right.

But you know what I did. I'm one of those people. I was like, wait a minute. What's happening here? It's winter. How is this working? How is this grow? I never liked it.

I'm like the real life sample for all the specific things. I was hoping you'd be like, oh, I wish I weren't dressed so warmly in this hot greenhouse. But you know, sure. It comes off. I was like, okay, we can set up for that. Doesn't happen. Right. So he's like, don't worry, you get used to it. She's like, uh, uh, 70. That's what I like, because I'm from there. I hope that mint doesn't have any good mint. Yeah. And he also makes every time I talk about she digs mint, he, his going to his a kale joke. Five years. This is 10 years behind.

So she goes, she who is apparently never encountered mint. That mint smells so minty. And he goes, yeah, well, when you smell mint, your brain releases mood-determining hormones into the body. It's natural relaxers. Weining hormones into the body. It's a natural relaxer. It's like thanks. Brokzy, you buy the mint, mint advisory bowl. The mint one. Just like pee. pee starts trickling down her legs. He's like, you'll get used to it. Wow. Just saliva is coming down. All her muscles are going down.

That warmth is good. You'll get used to the pee. You'll get used to the laughs. So the teenager comes in and she's like, hi, not my mother because you're living. Oh. Oh. Grand wants you to stay for dinner.

And she's like gross dinner. Ew. Carbs. And then yeah, what is it, a mint roast? And then no one leads with, she makes the best mashed potatoes you've ever eaten. Now look, I love mashed potatoes, but like there's like an asymptotic level.

Like it can only get so far. That's an asymptotic level. I love it. It's like something that you approach but you can never quite get to. But like, it was like an upper, I didn't know either. I thought with all the smart talk about greenhouse is a natural Paper once But either way like I mean like I feel like if someone said to me. It's the best match between us like

I don't know if I'm gonna stay for dinner for that that. Like if someone said the most amazing turkey or whatever, maybe. Fried chicken, or like I was. A beef bulgur base. But this is just the most basic thing. She just goes with the most. Yeah, a match with chicken. And then, and then, so she goes, oh, I'm staying away from carbs,

which I think is actually a very reasonable response. A little rude to say that people who are inviting you over, but then she says, I'm staying away from carbs, and Dakota says, she also made apple pie for dessert. What part, I'm staying away from carbs and Dakota says, she also made apple pie for dessert. What part of, I'm staying away from carbs, says, let me add apple pie to the mix. It's good. It's good.

It's good. It's good. You know, it's healthy. I go back to say that Dakota may be a little slow. And then I'm always like, I'm cutting down sugar. Yeah, I'm cutting down on sugar too. And so Noah's like, she can make some keen water. Oh, it's good.

I'll never tell you. I'm so pale and water. So these are leftover jokes from a Jeff Fox where they routine 15 years ago. Yes, it's true. It's about kale and kewba. Like also at one point, do you have to like,

read between the lines that she's just trying to be a poet and say I have no interest in eating with you strangers. Also, I have like a general thing of going to people's for dinner. I hate when people make me come over and eat. I just don't like that. Like do you want to come over and drink? Sure. But do you want to come over for dinner?

No, you can't cook, fucker. Everybody knows you can't cook. And now I have to sit there and pretend that you know you can cook. Or you can't. Or you're gonna try to prove to me you can cook. And it's gonna be overly fancy. And I'm gonna have to.

Restaurant. I'm gonna have to. Yeah. It's not unrealistic for her to turn this down. She is going to Hawaii. She is allegedly going to Hawaii. And I have to assume she has a nice bathing suit. And she's like, I don't think I want to eat like stuff

myself with macchia dos and apple pie when I'm supposed to be, you know, surfside tomorrow morning. So no, it's very reasonable. Very reasonable. So they go in and she of course stays for dinner because she's a sucker. And so there, everyone's liking Christmas colors.

I don't know why I wrote that down. So, they're having fried chicken. That's what it is. Because everyone is. Yeah. And she's nibbling one little green bean. Yeah. And it's so awesome.

So, that's what they served her. Like, we're just gonna give you some green beans. Like, yeah, I'm just kidding. So, that's all she would eat is a green bean. So, she's like nibbling it. So, she's like, so you and my mom were friends green bean. So she's like nippling at so she's like so you and my mom were friends Kim And she's like, oh not it first. We fell for the same boy and then it turned out he didn't like either one of us I did not see that story go in there. I didn't really add it is like, okay, so basically you saw her mom

Like I really could have done like oh, yeah, we were interested in this boy. I had a group of friends. Me, your mom, and then the music turns, she's like, be at the bakery. And then this could become a whole watcher in the woods type of thing. And Betty David's gonna show up, and this movie would have blown up.

Well, I definitely wanted it to end with like, it turned out he liked someone else. I did fuck your daddy. Yeah, it was such a strange like, and with like it turned out he liked someone else. I did fuck your dad. Yeah. It's okay. Yeah, it was such a strange like, like some kind of hand-spat story. Because they kind of, well, this is giving things away, but spoiler alert, when dad comes back at the very end,

they have chemistry. They do, right? Yeah, that's what you're saying. Yeah, actually for a moment thought is Kim's her mom, right? Kim's mom. Hi. Hi, I thought from that I'm like, right? Kim's her mom. Hi. I thought from that I'm like, wait, is Noah her brother?

I was hoping for that. I was really hoping for that. Oh my God, what do I have a boomer? Oh, stop. I know. Must be the weather. You know what? No, it's not your fault, Ronnie, because all gay porn does is tell us that incest is best these days.

This makes me feel better about my DTAC comment. Thank you. And all tattoos are acceptable. And also straight porn is no better. We've all clicked on the regular porn hub, Loga, at some point. Yeah, every single... They are disgusting straight people. I'm straight guy specifically.

It's all like my daughter just got home from school Oh Everything is I go see her mad about my report card Commissions here comes one right now So we we now get some more exposition. And we do because this entire movie is exposition. They just never finished explaining. No, no, no. So she's like, so how long have you been here, lady, who does not accommodate guests and

only serve some green beans? And Kim is like, well, when your mom Sarah moved off to school in California, she wanted someone she knew to take care of the place. And I don't think she ever really wanted to sell I mean so when my late husband and I decided to expand our mint business To move here. It's been our own ever since this was some heavy lifting. There's a lot of heavy lifting that This mint business has been in the family and the winter family is Kim is such oh, yeah the winter family And I like that they pronounce it like winter,

but they can't pay their rent. Also, Kim is really manipulative. That she's like, you know, your mom, she just never wanted to sell the place. So that's why I never did. I've been here, you can't. You can't, you can't. You can't, you can't.

You can't get sold. When I think about it, I think Kudos to that actor, because I think she's the only person that had subtext in this entire film. Oh, definitely. She's the only way to thought about it, I think kudos to that actor because I think she's the only person that had subtext in this entire film. Oh definitely. She's the only one who thought about it. You know, when I'm sometimes in the house by myself at night, I see what I think is your mother. Surely you couldn't sell. Surely. Would you like a brownie bite? I picked him up today. It's fine.

Yeah, we just pops up from behind the table, she's like, hello, hello. So then Noah's like, so what exactly do you do in Los Angeles? And she goes, oh, I'm a new, I'm gonna do a new partnership with my best friend, Gracie, she's going through a really tough time right now. You'll probably be there just disregard her.

But we're gonna tell developing all about her, even though you don't know her. We're developing a line of organic baby products, but my day job is director of marketing for Galant Resorts. And he's like, what it came, he goes, huh, and came's like, what does that mean? Really, Cam? Come on, Cam.

You have a mint business and you don't know. Well, obviously failing because they don't have a marketing director. I don't think Kim is really into the business again. Because she's still stuck in the past. She's still stuck in the past. So I don't think Kim just wants to fuck her dad. Yeah. I figured I thought that we're going to set up.

And they actually didn't, to their credit, they didn't really do this. I thought they were gonna set up to one of those things where like the lady from the city has that sort of generic corporate job where it's like, what do you do? I don't do anything like Richard Gehrin, pretty woman.

Oh yeah. Do you have any thing? I'm not real, right? I'm not tangible, I'm not building things, you know? Did you get it when they, when Dakota, who may or may not be slow, said, hey, do you have any, do you see celebrities? And so she said, you know once we once,

we may have rendered someone I heard, may have rendered a room to Leonardo DiCaprio. Now, if this were real, Dakota would have said, hey, my thought exactly exactly she'd be like, is that. But y'all, I'm telling you, people, people that above like 40 and up in like smaller town of Leo DiCaprio is like because of fucking gangs in New

York and Wolf of Wall Street. She's 14. I know, but I'm telling you, because it is the same. I remember when I was in Oklahoma and I was working on my computer and Because I was there for a long time and one my dad's friends came over and my dad said what's Matthew doing my dad said I don't ever see anything like he just tops on that thing and that's work Good beats me listen Like he doesn't get it. Wait, maybe this movie's made for Chelsea, but he does not get it.

Let me tell you something. Her trying to impress this teen with a Leonardo DiCaprio reference. That's like us being in 1984, 85, and someone being like, guess who I just saw? Robert Redford, you're like, okay. Yeah, but I'm like, I don't care. But also, if she was really like an LA type,

she wouldn't be bragging about the Odecaprio, because she's like a huge purve and probably gonna be canceled at any rate. For God knows what. You know, if she were a professional, she would not be doing this either. You know, once about three years ago, we rented a room to Kevin Spacey.

It was really impressive. He was a great guy. A great guy. Yeah. Oh, oh. So before that, Galein Maxwell, she's lovely. So then Molly's like, so what do you guys do here? That's causing you to not pay your rent.

And Noah goes, oh, well, we host our annual Winters Mint Christmas Eve party every year. It's a potluck come on come all. So first of all, I just want to say, you're behind your rent. Like, do not be hosting a John Hottlock. What's hosting huge party for the entire channel? There was nothing, when we do font spoiler, when we do finally get to this party, there was nothing bad that said potluck. This was not a potluck that you will censor.

No, it was like a formal occasion. And there weren't even a lot of people there. You know what I mean? It's like you bought stereo equipment. That's what you did. Yes. There wasn't even like accent lighting. Like you had.

It was so awful. It was like they set up for a Michael Buble concert and you never arrived. Speaking of a Michael Buuebler concert, it's time to end this episode. Oh my God. Oh wow. We're really killing it guys.

We're, I think we're now 17 minutes in the audience. We're about to make a progress. I will say, I will say most of it is, most of the middle part of the movie is boring exposition still. Middle? I mean, the rest of it, it most of the middle part of the movie is boring exposition still. Middle? They mean the rest of it. It's like the first 20 minutes of everything

and then it just peeters out like a bad hand job. I've been at like, on campus, anybody. I've been at least with like a hand job, something good actually happens at the end, maybe. Oh my God, I don't like those either. It's like stop. I feel like you're pacing me. It's like you're a metronome. You know, like stop. Yeah, just lay there. That's all I need. So, sorry, please don't be listening to this in the car with your children.

But I'll go for those of you who can't join us for the end of this because you have family obligations. They all die. So thanks for being there. Ray Drummond takes them all. You guys thank you for being here we'll be back tomorrow with another installment of a candy go to Christmas recap with a little crossover event. Bye everyone. Bye. Watch what crap ends would like to think it's premium sponsors. Ain't no thing like Allison King. Ashley Savoni, she don't take no baloney.

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