Watch What Crappens - Dwell Hello 03: Castle for The King in Texas

Episode Date: November 2, 2020

A huge family needs a huge house. She wants a big dining room. He wants a turret. What will they do??Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappensSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey, Prime members, you can listen to watch what crap ends at free on Amazon Music. Download the app today. Get ready for a double load of Queen of Hearts. It's me, Jujubee, and I return to guide sexy singles through some ronchy blind dates. Cameras off, voice only. Launching during pride, Queen of Hearts takes Miami by storm, with Daeders' Cuppe from Tampa Bayes, Just Chaz and Brittany Brave to name a few. Follow Queen of Hearts on Amazon Music or wherever you get your podcasts. Well hello and welcome to Dwell Hello, it's our House Hunters podcast, I'm Ben that's Ronnie and we're the guys from Watcher Crappens and we are tackling House Hunters, it's our house hunters podcast. I'm Ben that's Ronnie and we're the guys from watch or crap ends and we are tackling House hunters what's going on? What's going on Ronnie? Well, how's it going honey?

You know, I'm doing great. I was really amused by this episode that we're covering today. It's season 78 episode 13 castle. I believe it's called castle for a king right is that one for the king okay? It's a very important episode in the the whole The out centers very strong strong entry have to say strong very strong entry is very hilarious If you guys don't already know we also do another podcast called watch or crap ends. That's all bravo stuff and beyond We also cover some Netflix things like that So go check that out also wherever you get your podcast or follow us on social media at watch or crap ends on Instagram and at what crap ends on

Twitter and Yeah, so let's jump into it. Let's jump into season 78 episode 13 Castle 4 the the looking. Looking, here we are in Prosper Texas. Prosper, which looks like it's full of prosperity there. I'm sure it does. There's only a few, if you're a tank of something, it's like there's all sorts of tanks.

It's like there's water tanks, gas tanks, I mean. A tank for every, a tank for every dream. Yes, they're like, listen, this town is a shit hole. What should we call it? Money. No, that's too obvious. Heaven. No, prosper.

All right, well, at least it makes people feel like there's a chance. They took the bare minimum of B-roll for this poor town, because we see like a water tank, we see some sort of of gas refinery and then there's like some sort of like structure It almost looks like a car park, but it's not a car park. It's just like a covered walkway that like brown covered walkway Brown grass a lot of brown in this town and that's like really all we get to see Yes, and a lot of American flags because I noticed just from growing up in a place with a lot of poor areas, like the poor, the area, the more flags there are.

It's almost like we're poor, but we're American, damn it. I've never really understood. Listen, I love living in America. I love being an American. Like just what we do. I mean, you're a Texan. You are a Texan. And I am a Texan, so I'm not against the American flags.

It's just something I've noticed, you know, that where the poor, the neighborhood, the more American flags there are. Not really sure what that's about, but you know, you go. America. Yeah, America. So this one, you know, you would never know.

I would never think that Prosper is a poor area. First of all, it's called Prosper. So there's that. Second of all, this entire episode is all about McManchins. It's like, here are three McManchins that look almost identical, except this banister is slightly darker than that banister. Yes, and different home depotiles.

Yeah, it's like, we went with a different palette in the home depotiles. Yeah, it's like, we went, we went with a different palette in the home depot this week. And also they've got that, this is very Texas too. And especially for a place called Prosper, where there's like a hair cutting place that you go to, but they only use weed whackers. I mean, this poor lady, it's like an art here.

That weed whacker hair. I mean, she really looks like, she got caught in a wind storm and just, you know, went up against a meat slicer. I mean, this hair is just terrible. It's like a Karen haircut, but it's like, but somehow, like, it's like a variation on a strange variation. It's almost like a Karen haircut,

but like, with, like, that's hiding a camera in the back or something, because it just sort of like goes up and out and back. Yeah, it's short in the front and then in the back it's short but it's like punk, like little chunk, little triangle or trunk sticking out. Like she took 20 different maps. I have to bring up a picture of this woman right now because like I'm just working off of memory and the memory was like very strong But now I now I like really need to I need to have a fresh visual on her because I also remember she had a very strong

Uh palette for her makeup too, right? She had really aggressive blush Yes, and very aggressive statement necklaces one of them looked like there were like beetles crawling all over her neck Yes statement necklaces one of them looked like there were like beetles crawling all over her neck Yes, yes, there was lots of little little bits. Well, it's on a string, right? Yeah, and then she's married to this dopey guy. He's just this real big guy. He's kind of like the John Goodman of this of this sitcom, I guess where he's just like a dumb the dumb husband, you know, and his first line is I need a castle house for the king, and he just wants a house with a turret.

And he says, 20, you know, there's always something that they obsess over on these episodes. And this obsession is for turts. And he prenat some turts. I wanna turt. I'm not sure he knows what a castle is, by the way, because he seems to be singularly focused

on the idea of a turret. Because by the way, this is a spoiler. None of the houses look like the castles. Like none. None. Like, some of the big story books. Yeah, they do do that story book castle thing, which I don't know if it's a turret.

Doesn't, I mean, I know what a turret is and here's how I know because I googled it. I was like what is a turret because I kept thinking he was saying turret. So I googled this a tassel turret. Is that like you're slang for a turtle? Can you have a turtle there? I want to have a turtle. I want to have a sculpture of a turt. But of all the things you want from a castle, why would a turt me what you want? You know, there's like here's the thing you can't a castle, why would it turn me what you want? You know, here's the thing, you can't just have a turret and then that makes it a castle.

If you're gonna do the turret thing, you need to have like a few, you need to have actually, I think multiple turrets, you know, I think you need to have like, like maybe one in each corner would make, would really drive home the castle thing. I think you need like a door that's like, sort of like big and like arched, right?

Like that's gonna be a moat, a moat bridge, yeah, moat bridge, yeah. You know, you need to have that. That's a castle. Now that's a castle. That that's a castle. Yeah, you need to serve a Mickey Mouse ears inside of there. That's a fucking castle. That's what we're talking about.

Cones and things like that. Like that's a castle, but a turret on its own. A turret. Yeah, and this family, my god. So he's like, well, I need a castle has further occurring and then she's like, we got 10 kids total. Oh my God, you know what? Here's what that's called, littering.

Okay. You need a barn. You need a barn. Yeah. Stop littering humanity. Okay, have you looked around the world and seen what we're doing to it? We're overpopulated. Have your children, okay?

I don't want to, you know, I know a bunch of your parents out there. I don't want to like shame everyone for having babies for Christ. It keep it going, keep the economy going. But 10, that's ridiculous. Like, like have a big family, but make sure the family's happy first because when they talk, when they start, they mentioned their big family,

and we're just still in the, they're coming up next. We see this photo. Do you know what I'm going to talk about here? Yes. We support girls. This poor girl on the right. It's 10, it's like these 10 kids.

Three of them are like babies are being held, you know, and there's like a picture of a baby. This, actually, I'm sure, I'm realizing now the picture of one of the babies sadly. That's the way I was born. Very sad. Yeah. But the family sitting there, they're all smiling,

and then there's this one girl, all the way to the right, and we find out she's the eldest girl. Her name is Kelsey, and she's just sitting there. Like, she's standing there, slouched over, and miserable. Like, are you gonna tell me when you're taking the stupid picture mom, and they're like, well, whiners, don't get a nice photo, do they?

Like, yeah, it's like, why is that the one you gave to the fucking home and garden network? This is the picture you put on national TV of your poor daughter looking like, like just like the worst angle on this part of this. They hate Kelsey. They obviously hate Kelsey. Clearly. But you know, like having 10 kids, you can't have a nice family photo.

There's no possible way to get 10 children, especially with that many babies, all looking happy, you know? No. No. Well, they probably keep lying to Kelsey and saying, now, Kelsey, you are gonna be our one only, you are our star. And we're gonna put all our love into you. Guess what, Kelsey, we had another kid. Don't worry, just gonna be the two of you.

And then, you know, five years later, you know, they don't even remember Kelsey's there. They just stick her in the broom closet because they're living in a two bedroom apartment. Poor Kelsey, just for Kelsey. And then we find out that Kelsey's there, they just stick her in the broom closet because they're living in a two bedroom apartment. Poor Kelsey, justice for Kelsey. And then we find out that Kelsey's always trying to run away later in the episode. So but for right now the mom and dad are that typical like, he's dumb and I'm smart. He's like, oh, she does spend money. I do not issue do you don't even care about expenses. Yes, I do. No, you don't. I do. You don't love you. I love you. I was I was prepared for this for Jennifer Jennifer and Corey. I was prepared prepared for Jennifer to be in

like a horrific horrific marriage where like he was just a showvinistic asshole, but she's still maybe, but I was surprised because at this the way they set this up, he wants a castle and he was calling himself a king and he was like belittling. The fact that she has makeup in the bathroom, and that she likes money. And I was like, fuck this asshole, fuck this asshole. But I actually felt like she was kind of like, yeah, my husband's an idiot.

You talk to me, okay? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I thought they were cute. I mean, like, they have to like each other to push out that many kids. Geez. Yeah, yeah. So here we are. And Prosper, Texas tanks everywhere. They're walking in the park with all the American flags everywhere. And they're like, you excited for, look for a house, Cameron?

The kids. That's a terrible act. Those poor kids, so they, so they, they set up, they made all ten of these kids play around this giant big toy. They're in some playground somewhere and the producers are like hey kids Go play on this big toy for the next three hours of your life because we just see endless footage of them on this big Toy and like they look exhausted and miserable Especially the older kids were like 18 and 20 were like why am I fucking on a big toy? I am in college Just do it. It's good. It's for the show for the show 18 and 20 were like, why am I fucking on a big toy? I am in college. Just do it, it's good, it's for the show, for the show.

So the mom tells us, what's Jennifer tells us? We met on an online dating service, and he goes, she won't date me. I did, I did. I did. So we've been married for 13 years, and I've had this mom haircut for about 25. So we just clicked right away.

Yeah, she's outgoing and enthusiastic and quick at everything. And he's the opposite. He's very low key. Hey, takes forever to do anything. I do not get you do. You're like a slug. Sometimes I put salt on him just to see him run. How quickly can he get to a shower? Too bad it's too small. You'll get to that. And then we see the necklace. It looks like bugs just crawling all over her neck. Yeah. And we're just starting out. We're on the horsey.

We're on the horsey. Yeah, she's walking around this playground in a real weird outfit. She's got like this big white button down shirt that's unbuttoned. And it's like white, but it has all these little flowers everywhere. And then, but it has all these like little flowers everywhere and then But she's also wearing like short shorts and then like a black top underneath

I didn't really understand the look and then on top of that she has this again this like bedhead mom hair She just is really She's bringing something unique to America Yeah, so they're both nurses. Well she she's a nurse and he's like, well, you know, the nurses have helped us so much over the years because we're in there about every five minutes dropping a baby. And I thought, you know what?

I'm gonna be a nurse too. So I'm a full-time nursing student. Yeah, and then they start going through their kids' names. And so when they start going through their kids, what they do is they look at that family photo again and they darken it and then they start going through their kids' names. And so when they start going through their kids, what they do is they look at that family photo again, and they darken it, and then they highlight the person they're talking about. And of course, the very first person is Kelsey.

I was like, why are we highlighting the poor girl? Just pretend she's not there. She's mortified to see this right now. She is so more, and it's going to follow her around for the rest of your life. I used to do catering, and there was a gate couple. So these two guys that would always come to the bar and I would get them a drink and someone would always come up to them like, oh my God, you were on house hunters. Yeah, yeah, we were. I was like, does that happen everywhere? Because it happened. I did the same event for years and it

happened every year. And they said, yeah, we can't believe it. Everywhere we go, people come up to us and say, oh my God, we saw you on house. I we can't believe it. Everywhere we go, people come up to us and say, oh my God, we saw you on house on campus. I'll never forget this woman. So we go through this family and their kids' names are so like, it's like basically one guy that they're signed after the next. We have Kelsey, then Brooke, then Madison, then Ashley,

then Carrigan, then Cameron, then Landry Landry then Brandon and then with the last child harbor Oh god, I don't know I didn't write them bad to me. It was like Joseph in the amazing technical or dream coat You know it was red and yellow and green and brown scarlet and black and ochre and peach and Ruby and all of it But we're not talking about her makeup Ronnie make up Ronnie. So they're talking about, they're from Louisiana and they're coming to, they're coming over to Prosper because Prosper has a lot of nurses now. I don't know what the fuck's going on in Prosper that they do so many nurses, but I blame the tanks.

I'm going to miss something. Thanks. And the, and the oil refineries that are everywhere, and that big toy, that big toy, that big toy with children who are too old to be on it. I'm seeing a lot of broken arms. So at this point, five of their kids have already moved out of the house.

They're already basically teenagers or they're basically in college or moved out. So they have five children still, and they've been living in a two bedroom apartment with five children and four of them are under it, which is crazy. Like, yeah, I don't even know how these, why are you having babies still

if you're in a two bedroom that, like, why are you so cramped? I mean, again, like, life is a miracle, and, you know, God bless for bringing more off to the world. It's not a miracle if it happens every five minutes. Okay. I'll tell you what's not a miracle, that much life in a two bedroom apartment, okay? Like, just like, take one thing at a minutes, okay? I'll tell you what's not a miracle, that much life in a two bedroom apartment, okay?

Like just like, take one thing at a time, okay? And you know who else, you know who really loves you, your neighbors, I'm sure they're fucking love that 20,000 children. So anyway, Jen's like, the walls are closed and in, we just wanna stay under 700,000. He's like, yeah, I need a casual high of a king. She's like, okay, he wants a tort and a moat.

I'm sorry, if you have 10 kids and you're living in a 10 bedroom apartment, I think priority number one, bedrooms and space. And like turrets and castles, that's like your last, your very last priority. And the fact that that's number one, I need a castle for the king. I'm like, how about you get a condom for the king?

So, um, they're of course eating at a place with paper towels on the table because it's Texas. I even have a roll of paper towels on the dining room table. Oh yeah. Because it's Texas. That's how we do. Yeah. I also like, by the way, he wants a castle and and she's like I want a traditional house. You know it's stonework I'm like isn't that a castle? Both like asals she's like you know you know what I like stonework brick Okay, I want a neighborhood with sidewalks trails and amenities because the kids don't know how to ride a bike yet We haven't even had it we haven't even been able to teach them because there's no sidewalks They just ride their little track around the living room and crash into things left and right.

How many lamps do I have to buy? Now, besides the twerk, here's what I need. I need a shower that I can turn around in without touching the walls. Without going on a diet, don't even say Jennifer. Okay, settle down Esther Williams. What are you doing in the shower that you are like doing? 360 degree twirls I get him on this because I'm a big guy too. This is a big couple

You know and I'm a big guy and listen like I need bigger things Okay, I finally entered that stage where I was like planes need bigger seats because before I was like We're not getting bigger seats for you. You fat fat ass but now that's me and I'm like yeah We need I need my own mind at this point Just give me a fucking swimming pool to take a bath at okay He just he just wants space. He is tired of being in that cramped apartment I know it. I actually I understand that man. They are they must be living in hell right now where they were living in hell So they want a big shower, bath tubs, and a small yard.

They actually don't want a big yard because they don't want to maintain it a lot. They don't like to mowing. I'm like, you've got five children. I mean, what else are you going to use the kids for? Get them to mow the lawn. Get yourself a big house. That's true. That's true.

That's free labor. Yeah, he talks about the lawn and she's like, I have to clean this house. Who's going to clean this? Yeah, you've basically given birth to like a whole squad of employees like train them You've given birth to five servants as Ramona's Ramona singer would say Yeah, so She's like, I'm gonna have the final say on this house. He's like, oh, oh, yes, I will. Oh, oh, yes, I will slug Yes, I will. Oh, yes, I will.

So anyway, they drive up to house number one. And Cory is, he's already magic. Don't have my turret. Don't have my turret. I'm like, it's also not 1347. Okay. Like this. I don't know what you're expecting. Yeah. So this is all these neighborhoods are like little boxes on the hillside. It's like where the, these giant houses, but they're all shoved right together. Oh my God. Yeah, these neighborhoods are like depressing.

Yeah. So they walk into the house number one. And it's this big empty foyer with this sort of like windings dear case. And we meet the realtor Sarah Duncan, who just seems so displeased with these people. She's just like, like, man, this is my house hunter's debut, it's with these two. This is really what I've been given. I mean, Sarah's beautiful,

she's so well put together, she's really smart, you know, and you just know that she has one question, what the fuck am I still doing in this town? Like what happened to her that she's still stuck here? Why the fuck am I trying to sell a guy on a McManchin and make him think that it's a castle? How did my life get to this? Why do I even have a client who wants a castle? Like what about the houses? Yeah, these houses are also very Texas.

Like they're very grand and big. I'm like huge archway doors and ceilings that go up like 40 feet. It's like, yeah, They're all very big here. So he's like, well, it's not my castle, don't have a tort. Is this guy just playing Minecraft? Is that all this guy fucking does?

Exactly. And like, does he realize he is not in like medieval France right now? I just don't know what he's expecting, OK? Unless you're in Kentucky in Versailles, you're not going to find a castle. Yeah, you just can see him walking around with a big old turkey leg. You know, I know.

So Sarah's like, okay, well, I want you to keep an open mind because it doesn't have everything you want. Tor, it could. Tor. You know, because what you want is a little unreasonable and, you know, quite frankly, very stupid. So, uh, but we do have a kitchen island, so there's that. Yeah, there's a kitchen island.

You can just sit on this and plop your Mexican right at the sink. That. Just loop it up. So they walk into this kitchen. Everything is white in the kitchen, just stark white. And then there's a living room area that's's nearby and there's a balcony that looks over It's a it's a princess balcony. It's a Sarah's like see so there's a princess balcony. So it's kind of like a castle

I'm like Literally nothing like a castle whatsoever, but I appreciate your effort in trying to make this this man's dreams come true Yeah, well it's got a small you up up back yard, less for me to maintain. And there's a place on the manual for Tim Stockings. It's like, oh my god, just fucking kill me. Just fucking kill me. And then Jennifer, when she sees this living room, there's a big living room.

And she says, I don't know, it seems kind of cramped. I just don't know. I'm like, you're in a two bedroom apartment. This is like palatial right now. What are you talking about? The ceiling goes up five stories. You've got 10 kids. The mall probably seems cramped

So they but they do like they like the yard, which is a very sad tiny yard and There's a tiny patio and then they go into the master Which is big and has like these big windows and everything and then she goes well We can definitely fit all our furniture in here. I'm like, I just want to remind you again, you're in a two bedroom going to a McMaster, and you are definitely fitting your, your furniture is gonna fit, yes.

Yes, it'll be fine. You don't have any furniture. And she's just have humans. Sarah shows them the front bedroom in the front of the house, and she's like, well, this would be nice for Karen Tim, but I don't know about having teenagers in the room right by the front door.

She's a runner. Okay. That's not a smart idea. Well, you know, she likes having those drug dealers come in. We gotta keep America's street safe. Drug dealers coming in the front door and taking off with your teenagers. And then they have a game room and a media room,

which was a running theme. I mean, fucking, you know what, you have to have it to Texas, they give it to you. Yeah. They also looked at a bathroom earlier off the master and it had like his and her sinks. And well, first Cory was like, you didn't like the shower. He's like, I can't really stretch out.

I mean, it's like a normal, it's like a nice side of shower. And he's like, I can't stretch out. And then with his and her sinks, he's like, I don't know, is that gonna be enough room for all your stuff? She's like, I don't know, is that gonna be enough room for all your stuff? She's like, I don't have a lot of stuff. You have a lot of stuff because you're a silly woman who has stuff women by things. Am I right? Am I right? Wouldn't be shopping. Shut it, slug.

So, look at the game room and the media room and she's like, you know, I'm not a big media room person. He's like, this is my king's place. Kings are famous for their media rooms. I remember when I went to the, I remember going to London and seeing, you know, the, the old castle out there in England. And wow, I was like, this, this media room, they, that Henry the eighth hand. Wow. It's surround sandals amazing. Fantastic. So the price is cheap and the mom's like,

yeah, it's pretty, it has brick. And he's like, but he don't have a turt. No turt. By the way, I'm not making up how many times he says turt. It's like every two seconds, he's saying the word turt. Yeah, it's so, yeah. It's all the time. And this house was ultimately very depressing to me.

And so, Bacchor is like, well, I do like that there was a media room. I can have my king space. My king space, she's like, we have children and they need a bedroom. It's like, so you can either have your park a lounge or our children could like, not sleep on the floor.

And isn't this the one where the master bedroom was right off the living room? And they're like, well, I don't like she goes, I don't like that. We don't get privacy. Don't have 10 kids if you fucking want privacy. It's crazy. Seriously.

So then they go see the next house. And he's like, well, here's Maciascle. And it's basically a MacMatchin that has a turret in the middle. Turtin. That looks almost more like a silo than a turk, but you know, it's much cute. So on the outside it's very cute. There's like flowers and gardens because it's a model home.

So of course they make it look as cute as possible. And this house, this entire segment cracked me. It was hilarious. It was so good because it's so true what they do to you. Have you ever gone to look at one of these homes? No. Probably not. Well, when I was looking here in Texas, I, you know, you can't really tell what these houses are from the pictures. They look gorgeous. So you go see it and serenough it's some fucking model home. It's like, wow, I love these fourths. That's an upgrade. Oh, well, I love this.

Accountant. Upgrade. Upgrade. Well, the sink is my- Upgrade. And by the time you leave there, you're paying like $7 million for some shit McMansion. Oh God, this one was amazing.

Cause I really had not experienced that before. So they come into this big house. That's five bedrooms, five and a half baths, 4, 4,800 square feet, that's 620,000 dollars to start, which is, again, I will say this on every single episode of Duel Hello. I just cannot believe how cheap these houses are compared to LA. So I mean, 4,800 square feet, it's insane. So they come in and this house has been stage and it's just like hideous right like Nabi candlesticks everywhere hurricane lanterns just like dangling from the ceiling Strange like mirrors that have like wooden sunbursts around them. It was just like my nightmare

Of course, I loved it. I was like, what a cute house The house itself was cute. I just think that like I mean for a mic mansion I thought the house for a McMansion I thought the house was a good McMansion. The stage stage. Yeah, I can see the staging of the staging. So they go to the dining room and say, well, look at that. It opens to the living room. Oh, there's beams. I love beams. And Sarah's like, upgrade. Yeah, upgrade. So well, we have to have beams. It makes a statement makes a statement. Yeah, the statement is that someone else picked out this fixture for us and we decided to upgrade for it.

We got $5,800 extra damn dollars. That's the statement. So the she's like, I love the heart upgrade. This is my way of disgusting. It's I'm sorry. Actually, it's not so much the heart. It's the mantle. The mantle bothered me because it was this sort of like light brick hearth, but then there was this like white mantle that was like stuck on it. It looked like a weird piece of plastic, you know. Yeah, it was huge. And he's like, yeah, these expenses. She just looks past him because she's got boobies in the china. That's a girl right there. And don't care about those fantasies. Hey, Slug. Hey, Slug, come look at this kitchen. Now, isn't it beautiful? What is this?

That's quartz, also known as upgrade $5,000. That's called upgrade quartz. And she's like, well, I can just see those wheels turning in his mind. The price going up and up and up. I love this back splash upgrade. That's an upgrade. This oven though. Upgrade.

That's an upgrade. Well, I love that there's no carbon monoxide leaking out of anything. That's an upgrade. Don't upgrade it. There's carbon monoxide all throughout your home. Did you notice that there was a microwave in the island? I've seen that before. Microwaves in the island, but this one was just so bizarre because I

Feel like normally when there are like appliances embedded in a kitchen island There's sort of in that sort of that Isle weight there if they face like the refrigerator, right? You know, there's always like an aisle that you go around There's like the outward facing part of the island that faces that in the dining room, etc And then there's the part that faces more into the kitchen and this one I noticed that the microwave was like facing the dining room and I just thought that was a very odd choice.

And I felt like, That is some odd choice. I didn't notice that. Yeah, it was really weird. I would have thought it was meant great. Do you want to see this from the dining room? Upgrade. Check out these.

You have my grill so they go outside of the patio. He's like, check out these grill to couldn't grill. Upgrade. Oh, and so it's out of the fireplace. I see me see some of that grill. I was like, sir these girls to couldn't grill upgrade out and so it's like a fireplace I see me so that grill. I was like sir do not get your heart set on that. He's like. I love this upgrade The whole air it literally everything the fireplace upgrade the grill upgrade the extent or upgrade Door knobs upgrade Now tell me do all the houses have a microwave view or is it just this one just this one? It's not great

Holy cow to shower heads to cover all of me. Yeah, the one of the lettuce called up and the one on the right is called great And then the master there's this tub That's just like in the middle of the bathroom looks very awkward. It looks like an ear It was just like this big ear tub. I love that tub. Wow. I love that to upgrade. Oh, yeah You know what you can get some not so taken upgrade bath from that She ready now the tubs and upgrade and did you want water in that tub too because plumbing will be an upgrade Hope eat board ceilings upgrade Well all my hair is dollar signs plumbing will be an upgrade. I hope Beat Board ceilings upgrade. Well, all my hair is dollar signs.

It was the most ridiculously I ever saw, like literally every single thing. And it was, again, it was a pretty house, but man, I just hear dollar signs. Dollar signs, dollar signs, dollar signs. Yeah, well, that's what I said also when you did me for the 60th time when we had our 10 child, okay? So then there's a game room and a media room and the mom's like there's a lot of house to clean here

But it does have room for our family now. There's some space. We don't need plus I don't know who's gonna clean this house. Oh, huh. Have you looked down? Yes, there's boobs there. You're a woman Yeah, there's boobs there. You're a woman. You're a clown in this house. Hey, let's go back to the foyer and talk about this house by that crazy old shitty grandfather clock They put in there. Okay. Did you see that thing? It was like foe like foe rustic grandfather clock I was like barbed. It was like like oh no this one actually comes to the house. So it's not an upgrade No, this one won't give it to you Yeah, that one will give to you. Well, I love the hood, the turret, the beams, the hearth, the back splash. Up right, upgrade, upgrade, upgrade. I like the shower. But that's a lot to clean, honey. By the way, for all of us talk about a turret, there

wasn't no turret space. I'm assuming that's where the staircase was. But that's what's funny is that he wants a castle, but there's no like, it's not like, oh, and here we walk into the turret. I think if I'm gonna have a turret, I want like the turret experience, right? I mean, I don't even know what a turret experience is. It's like walking into a round room.

I think it's one of those things you get in your head. Like, I want a castle, damn it. I'm gonna get a castle. That's it. I'm gonna get a castle that's it I'm gonna always say that I would never live in a castle and I want to prove him wrong okay I'm gonna so the next house is is this one of the master plane communities and Sarah's like oh yes this is on 19 million acres there's fishing ponds there's a pool a, a cafe. She goes, this next place, it's sort of like overlapping here because it's like at the end of the last act,

we see like a tease of this and then begin this act with sort of a seat again, so I may get things out of order here. But she's basically like, this next place I'm going to show them, I think they're really going to like it. There's a big surprise. And then we just see this giant mud pit. That's how it's like, as far as the high I can see, just like dirt, dirt and a few construction vehicles.

Like, is this included in the HOA, the mud pile? Yeah, now this one, everything's included, but it's still just a dream because nothing has been built. You know, it's all under construction and just the way they describe it. Now, I also looked at one of these master plan communities and almost turned right out of it because it was like a movie. Scary, you know, it's like all these white people out there just like in the same pool.

I mean, I think there were like a hundred people in the same pool and I was like, I've never seen so many people I don't want to swim with in one place in my life. You know, but hey, you know. Well, this place, this place, the big thing is that, what Jennifer's excited about is that this mud pile is gonna be turned into a lagoon. She's like, it's gonna be a resort, and the kids will love it. You never have to leave your neighborhood.

You can just go ride over to the lagoon. That's right in the middle of a brown countryside. Yeah,, man. Let me ask you something. They're sidebox, right? Anime in the veins. Like, mm-hmm. Sidewalks in amenities. Yeah. I'm only a Turk. Where's the Turk? There is no Turk.

I don't see any Turk, so no Turks. I don't see any Turks here in this community, and then they pull up to the place. It's like, as a Turk! It's a Turk! It got Turk by the mud! As a Turk. As a Turk. and they pull up to the place and it's like, it's a turk! It's a turk! It got a turk by the mud! That's a turk! So this one has another gigantic entrance

and of course, this is like a Cuyne entrance. Yeah, yeah, he likes that a lot. So they walk in, he's like, I am trance and then they see there's an office and so of course Jennifer wants to turn that into her crafting room. And then I have to say I hated this house. So they walk they walk through their, they see the kitchen island and it's huge,

but has a very small sink, which they did not like, which I actually, I co-sign that. I do not like a small sink as someone who currently has a small shallow sink. But yeah, the sink was not working with that house for sure. And then she's like, well, you know, I know the kitchen is small, the dining room is small, but you do have this here. You can open these double doors and extend the living space. Sarah, stop pretending that you don't live in Texas

and don't know that it's hot as balls here. Are you fucking kidding me? Just leave those doors open, extend it. That's true, I didn't even think about it. And they have this electric screen that comes up and down. And it's like, it's thick as a wall. OK. And she's like, look, I'm a skate of screen.

I'm like, yes, that's why you don't want an outdoor indoor space in fucking Pleasant, Texas. I know. It looks like she was like, why do you have that scrim there? Are you going to be like doing scenes from into the woods? Like, why is that there? It's like a scrim.? Are you gonna be like doing scenes from into the woods? Like why is that there? Yeah, it's like a scrim. Yeah, it's not pleasant, Texas.

What's it called? Huh? What's the town called? I called it pleasant. No, it's it's prosper. I was actually trying to look up this lagoon to see because this episode aired in 2013 and I wanted to see if the lagoon has actually been

has been built. There's something called the lagoon at Winsong Ranch. Oh, that's probably it. I'm gonna click on the one side to see if the lagoon has actually been built. There's something called the lagoon at Winsong Ranch. Oh, that's probably it. I'm gonna click on the website to see if this is it. It's gotta be it. Five acres of tropical water. It's Caribbean style. I could do imagine living on a fake lagoon.

Oh my God, it's like just this crazy lagoon surrounded by McMansions. It's hilarious. Hilarious. I'm looking at that right now. Crystal Lagoon with song ranch is now open. Okay, that was 2017 that this was posted. I would be pissed if someone sold me a house in 2013 and the fucking lagoon didn't open for four years.

I would be killed. Serious. I'd be furious. Yeah, it is like a big huge pool though. That's not it. I would be furious. Yeah. I don't know about that. It is like a big huge pool though. That's not... It is, I'm sure it's fun. And every guy in this picture looks like Cory.

Every... I just feel like you... It's just... I feel like my brain would just melt just going in there. I'm sure for a kid it's the most fun ever. Like as a kid it'd be like my dream. Yeah, and they've got big speakers put up everywhere, which you know the neighbors love

who live by the lagoon. It's like, hey, do you want to pay an extra $15,000 to live right by the lagoon? And then you've just got like jars of clay covers blasting into your fucking household. You know, jars of clay. So, um, so anyway, so they, they, they have this like

inter-outdoor area with a scrim and then when they raise it up, they're like, gosh, that's really loud. I don't think slugs gonna enjoy that. In terms of, there's like a highway back there. And we goon on one side and a highway on the other side. Yeah, exactly. And Sarah goes, well, you know, it does back up to a major road, but sometimes you have to take the good with the bad

when you're looking for houses. Hi, I just want to take the bad with the sometimes you have to take the good with the bad when you're looking for houses. Or sometimes you just take the bad with the bad. You just take the bad with the bad. You take the turrets with the bad. Okay, that's what you got to do. Sarah, you're fired. Okay, if I'm looking for a house and someone takes me to a freeway and says, well, sometimes you got to take the good with the bad, I would say,

get your shit and get out of here, you're fired. There's like a mud pile on one side of the house and a highway on the other You take the good you take the bad you take a both and there you have a potential lagoon potential lagoon The backyard is so of course like the backyard so big it's an average small yard lump Okay, I think he needs to just suck it up buttercup I think he needs to just suck it up buttercup. Slug. So then they go, then they like go into the living room.

And Jennifer again is like, I just think it's gonna be a little cramp once you put our furniture in here. I'm like, how much furniture do you have? You have more children than you have chairs, okay? Like please, you'll be fine. You will be fine. All these places are palatial. Yeah, they're all humongous.

Uh, she's like, oh, you'll lock that shower curry and the mom's like, I don't lock that brand tile though. And she's right. This bad is just fucking Katie. The entire room is, the entire bathroom is just like pure brown, like brown on brown on brown on brown. And then on top of that, there's like a nice garden tub that's not an upgrade,

but there's, and the shower is big, but then the, if you want to use the toilet, they've like put it in like a nice garden tub that's not an upgrade But there's and the shower is big, but then the if you want to use the toilet They've like put it in like a little stall like it's a toilet that's called the toilet closet. Oh, I hate a toilet closet I love toilet closet really yes. I have a toilet closet. It's it sold to me I was like a toilet closet. Yes Because if you're with somebody like God forbid Mary to hope that never happens to me But I don't want wanna watch you poop. You know, close yourself away. Go, go, go to, go into the closet.

Just go poop. Poop shamefully, like humans were intended to. Or how about like, A, there are two things you can do. One, stay out of the bathroom all the other person's pooping, or B, if you're pooping, just go to a different bathroom. You don't have to poop in the closet. You don't have to poop in the ensuite, you don't have to poop in the ensuite, you know.

I mean, I just believe in hiding poop. I think poop is sin. So the mom's like, yeah, it's a good shower, but you know, he's a little over excited for the shower and he's sitting in the shower like, oh yeah, it's huge. It has a bench. Okay, he's basically like, he's just like rolling around in the shower. And then they go upstairs and of course, of course, he's like, oh, I like this rock iron.

There's bands, there's a rock iron, which of course is like the worst thing in the world for me. I hate like rock iron accents. So they look at all the room and the mom just keeps going, can't beat the amenities. I love amenities You know what if you had a beam you'd you'd you'd you'd have me sold. I love a beam to Minities I love amenities. I mean, there's a lagoon well not really a lagoon technically It's just a giant mud pile at the moment

But I love the idea of a lagoon sometime being here in the next eight to nine years Yeah, Sarah's like well, you've got a lot of thinking to do. Don't hurt yourself. So then we come back from commercial and the music's like, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. Like, Prosper texts, just like acres upon acres of brown grass. Like, all the grass is brown. Like, welcome to the brown grass capital of Texas. Yeah, the brown grass rock and roll capital of prosper.

So, Cory and Jen are shopping for something for no good reason, and they're like deliberating on things. So, house number one, Cory liked that there was a king space for him, also known as one of his children's dreams of having a bedroom at some point in their childhood. Yeah. But the master was right off of the living room. And then the model

home, turnturrent, turnturrent. He's, it looks like a king house and a head five bedroom. And I love the shower and it had beams, honey. Lot of beans, too bad. It's a lot to clean, you know? And then the castle number three had a small dining room, but had a nice outdoor space, but the backyard was too big, and there was a busy road, and there was a brown bathroom. Yeah, there was a freeway in a lagoon, so.

Yeah, but amenities were all awesome. Manly these sidewalks. So then we, what do they choose? Ding dong. How are the members doing? So we put the family picture right up here above that $20,000 upgrade. Is the picture an upgrade to? Yes of course! That's where the TV goes. TV's an upgrade to. So they picked House 2 and she goes.

There's the model home. I think that was the right, the right. Yeah it was the nicest house. I actually liked the beams quite a bit I would have gotten the beams as well and she's like well, we get we we chose this house because we just love the neighborhood And it just cuts to this like empty bike path It's like in the middle of like overgrown grass and just these big mansions like looming over the side like not a soul Like no signs of humanity just like a over the side, like not a soul suicide, like no signs of humanity, just like a cement winding path. Yeah, and she's like, well, I got my beams and I love that friendless shower. I was like, you purposely got a house where you have to watch Cory take a shower every day.

The fuck is wrong with you? And she's like, you know, we went with a smaller floor plan, but I did, I did upgrade $2,000 on the fan in the living room. And you know what, we did it, and it was worth it. And I would do it again. And the fan is like, what do you call it? It's not like a wind van. It's like the top of a silo. Windmill, like.

Yes, or like the fan at the top of a silo, yes. Yeah, it's like one of those, but it's turned into a fan. It's just like. It looks hideous. Yeah, that's terrible. It's terrifying. It looks like it would kill your, you know's terrifying. It looks like it would kill your, you know, it looks like it would kill your whole family.

It's just like, it's like you turn it on and it just starts sucking you guys up into the ceiling, you know. It's also like a stark reminder that you are not in a farmhouse. It's like, okay, let's get a mic mansion that's crowded next to a whole bunch

of other mic mansions, okay. It has like no personality of its own, but let's pretend we're on a farm. You're not on a, like, if you, go to a farm if you want that. Yeah, and he gets, she goes, yeah, look at that fan. And he goes, yeah, that was an upgrade.

She wanted a $2,000 fan. And it was worth it. I'd do it again. Well, when this slug is sweating all day long, I need a fan to cool them down. And that was pretty much it. Oh, except if they Cory's like well, what surprised me is I get this huge sour and it didn't work I was like it was rebelling. Okay. The sour was just fucking rebelling Cory Can you believe that when you move into like a mass-produced house? That was probably built in seven days

That shit doesn't work. Who would have thought? Yeah, I didn't know. And then it all... They just rinsed all the grout down the sourdrain when they were doing the tile and it all got hardened. So then the kids... It's just like... It doesn't make you a little concerned about... And where was the inspection? I don't know.

So then... And then it ends with all the kids playing in the driveway. make you a little concerned about and where was the inspection I don't know so then um so then that like ends with all the kids playing in the driveway just like like playing ball in the cement they're like happily ever after yeah come on guys we can fit everybody in this dining room and we're using paper plates today because I don't know where the hell our plates are I was like yes I had a feeling you'd like that line, which I said that. I was like, Ronnie's probably like very one over at the moment. Yeah, I use those same big old paper plates. I'm like, guys, I just can't find the plates.

Sometimes. Sometimes. Yeah. Yeah, that was funny. Well, God bless, God bless, God bless these people. And God bless that hairstyle. That was really a special look. I made the whole thing.

And you know, I think I'm brainwashed now because I just want to tour it now I just want to turn I'll tell you one thing. I want those beams were amazing I actually I love those beams and I thought it did bring a lot of personality into that house and you know what like I'm glad that Jennifer her name was Jennifer, right? I'm something getting getting her name. Jennifer, Cory. I'm glad that she does not let Cory like rule the rules there because, you know, otherwise they'd be in a terrible situation in life. And I think I like that she stands. She may have a terrible hair,

but she's got a good head on her shoulders. So you go Jennifer. Go Jennifer. All right everybody, thank you so much for being with us. Go listen to us over on Watch What Crap Ins and we'll be back next week with some more house on toes! Yeah, bye everyone! Hello!

Raising kids can be one of the greatest rewards of a parent's life. But come on, someday, parenting is unbearable. I love my kid, but is a new parenting podcast from Wondry that shares a refreshingly honest and insightful take on parenting. Hosted by myself, Megan Galey, Chris Garcia, and Kurt Brown Aller, we will be your resident not-so-expert experts. Each week we'll share a parenting story that'll have you laughing, nodding, and thinking, oh yeah, I have absolutely been there. We'll talk about what went right and wrong. What would we do differently?

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