Watch What Crappens - Dwell Hello 07: Finding a Voice in Nice

Episode Date: December 1, 2020

This week on Dwell Hello, we're tackling Househunters International season 139, episode 8 - "Finding a Voice in Nice." A husky cabaret singer looks to find a new life in Nice after a bitter separation from his husband. Will he find a shower he can fit in?Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappensSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey, Prime members, you can listen to watch what crap ends at free on Amazon Music. Download the app today. Get ready for a double load of Queen of Hearts. It's me, Jujubee, and I return to guide sexy singles through some ronchy blind dates. Cameras off, voice only. Launching during pride, Queen of Hearts takes Miami by storm, with Daeders' Cuppe from Tampa Bayes, Just Chaz and Brittany Brave to name a few. Follow Queen of Hearts on Amazon Music or wherever you get your podcasts. and welcome to Dwell Hello. I'm Ronnie and that's been over there. Hi, Bane. Howdy, howdy, howdy. You ready for another day of hunting for houses? Oh my God, I'm loving hunting for houses.

I love it. Well, for everybody at home, we are going to cover House Hunters International Season 139 episode four. And we watch all of these on Hulu. So if you guys have that and you're looking for these episodes, they're all available there, at least at the time of recording. Guy. Most of them are, we've had, I think we had one or two

that we either watched from the HETV website, or maybe even I think there was one we may have, do we maybe pay for one? I'm not sure. But almost all of these are on Hulu, which is why we are choosing them. Yes, to make it easier to find them. Although you don't really need to know that, you don't really have to watch every episode.

I mean, you've watched one episode of How Sunters, you've kind of watched them all, it just changes the crazies that come in and out. And we'll tell you about those. Yeah, absolutely. But as you said, this is season 139 episode four. What was it called again? Finding a voice and knees, finding a voice in knees, friends. Wow. So this was a special one because this one basically follows a big ol' gay and his realtor, his lady realtor. And they have such wonderful chemistry.

I loved these two. I'm surprised that HGTV did not give them a spin off. I would just watch a spin off of this guy trying to find a shower that he can fit in. I mean, when you're a big guy, like I get it, that is a big deal. You know, you need... You move into a house and you just need a shower that's not one of those shower stalls. Like, how are you gonna clean? But how are you gonna clean your feet? If you can't lift your feet to yourself and, you know, because you're cut off by the tiny shower. So I get it and I mean, I you can't lift your feet to yourself and, you know, because you're cut off by the tiny shower. So I get it and I mean, I was endlessly entertained. Yeah, it was wonderful. Real quick, also be sure to listen to us on the main show,

Watch Your Crapins, where we talk about mostly Bravo, but also things on Netflix and other things on Hulu, et cetera. So go check that out if you are interested in that. And then I guess that's basically it. Shall we just dive in? Dive in to five wins. So the little thing at the beginning,

I'm like writing them down. I just like how they work word things, the description, the log line, if you will. If you've ever taken a writing class, it's called the log line, guys. You're so professional. Guys, I'm a screenplay writer. Give me the elevator pitch.

Yeah, the better patch. A Texas man takes a daring leap by selling his landlocked home and pursuing a singing career in these france. Like, what do we, we're dishing houses for being landlocked now? That's so funny because that doesn't even come up in the show. Like, he never says, like, well, I have a landlocked home, landlocked home. I need to get out of here like they just like added that information They sort of like shaded his origin story a little bit. They did like Darcy Darcy. I love your new house Thanks for having me over unfortunately it's a landlocked so sorry for you. Sorry for you Mark

It's a landlocked home. And then the very first thing we see is this guy just rollerblading down the boardwalk at Nisse. And he is just like, he is just like out and proud. And like I have arrived. I am going to be a one man pride parade. And guess what, I'm here for it. I support it 100%.

I think at a certain age, you just want to move to a country you don't have to shave your back. You know? And that's what I'm getting from this. I think he's just like, fuck this. You know, Garland, Texas, I have to shave my back, or any. So here, I'm just gonna roller skate, not even a roller blade.

I'm gonna roller skate, because this is France, bitch. Get France. You know, this is a really nice counterpoint to Emily and Paris, which we dabbled in. And I feel like, like, I feel like you should watch Emily and Paris and then watch John and Nese. And I feel like you'll see a lot of parallels, but maybe this might be the more convincing version. John and Nese is definitely more convincing. I mean follow-up episodes like how the other, you know, how French people react to John. Yeah. Because, you know, he's his character this guy. And he is. He has one of my favorite gay qualities where he puts up at the end of sentences. Did you notice that? Yes. He does. I really like the shower. I also feel like John, when's bored just walks through Nice and pops into random stores and says

Big mistake huge and then just walks out And they're like what? So yeah, we we open with him roller skating and then he's doing some kind of singing. He's like, yeah I'm kind of singing. He's like, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And he has kind of a share machine gun vibrato, which tells me that this is one of those queens that just sings share a lot.

So he thinks he's a singer now because he's like share. And like that's a great. It's pretty good. I thought. I thought he was like a guy imitating share. Yeah. Not to crush your dreams. I'm sure there's an audience for that.

I mean, look at Cher, she's still kicking. But he could be the share of neighborhood in these. So then the narrator kicks in and says, how do you fix a broken heart like the French do? Which I kind of feel like France is where you go to Wala when having a broken heart. You walk along a boardwalk, a mime comes up to you, like maybe does something, you drink like coffee on your own, you you sit at a cafe and someone takes a chair that you know and you

thought they were gonna sit down next to you and I mean at some point I know I am conflating this with Emily and Paris but I think you're just basically Emily and Paris. I mean I just want to answer, you know, how do you fix your broken heart like the French do with butter? Okay, that's how the French do it. But, and you know, that's the damn truth. I mean, I've never been to France. I'm kind of an ignorant American.

And I've watched a lot of French TV though, you know, like I love a murder mystery that comes on Netflix. Like they're usually the French ones are used, it's like a zombie story, but it's very stolen, you know, ever was just stolen and depressed about being a zombie. Or like the girl who gets killed,

and then it takes 10 episodes to like find that hood. I like, I'll watch all of those, but here's one thing I know about French people from French films or from French series on Netflix. They've always got a broken heart. I don't think I've ever watched something about a happy French person. Like, even if it wasn't their daughter

who got killed in that hotel, even if it's just the lady making a croissant at the bakery, it's like, what the fuck is wrong with her? And then she's got some dark backstory, you know, why she's so sad. Such a pretty place to be so sad. I mean, there's literally an iconic book turned into a musical called Les Mis arabes.

I mean, like it is. It doesn't get more Miserable than Lay Miserable, right? Yeah. And the book, I will never forget the Oprah that she had on this French lady who said, eat like the French or something. Oh, yeah. It was like a diet where you just eat like French people and basically it just means like, don't be fat.

Like that's the diet. You know, here's how you eat like French. What is the fact means like don't be fat like that's the diet you know here's how you eat like French you can't bite don't be fat okay stupid don't be fat eat one bite why are you so fat why are you so fat so John this guy's name is John he says well I can either move back to Texas or be fabulous and I choose fabulous. So when you get the stuff, when you get the options like that. I mean, I think it's actually really more like what you said. It's I can either move back to Texas or have butter and I choose butter, right? Yeah.

Although there's probably a lot of butter in Texas too. There's a lot of butter in Texas. And also he's from like the gaiest part of Texas, Garland. Oh, I thought his name was John Garland. Oh, it's John from Garland. Yeah, he's from like the gayest part of Texas, Garland. I mean, I thought his name was John Garland. Oh, it's John from Garland? Yeah, he's from Garland, Texas. I mean, you're from a town named after Judy.

You know, love this guy. So like, you can't get more fabulous with that. So I chose to be fabulous. So his real estate friend is like this girl I used to cater with named Anna. She was like kind of older than all of us but really cool and always chill. And she is kind of embarrassed me because she's in American wearing a beret in France, which I just feel like you don't do that. She's really like, oh well I've got to represent what it's like to be an expatriate in France. So I'm going to wear a beret right now for House Hunters International, okay? Hey John, where do you want to be?

I guess where the hottest people are I'm gonna be around hot people only and I need a really crazy fancy Swanky apartment that's fabulous and Then we see him trying to fit in a toilet closet Yeah, you need to take this apartment. And then we begin the show and he's walking down the street and some cowboy boots to meet up with Adrian. And he goes, Adrian says you can see I am here, which I don't even, when I watched it,

I didn't even think it was funny, but I realized I wrote it down and just seeing that like, well, as you can see, I am here. I've announced my presence for you, Adrian. I've seen good times, I've seen bad times, I've seen them all about my dear, I'm here. Okay, that's, and he has this big, like, he kind of looks like someone out of a Wild West,

so, you know, like a Western without, he's got like a big beard and he does that steampunk curl of his mustache, which is, yes, I pray, I know, I'm sorry, I'm a steam drunk people. I'm sorry to all the steampunk people sitting around listening to this house under spot gas, but I cringe a little. And he's kind of like a guy in a western. He's a big dude on following where they don't have teeth.

Like he looks like he doesn't have teeth the way he laughs, because everything he says, he laughs at himself like me. And he opens his mouth really big and his lips cover his teeth. So he just looks like this big drunk western guy in a saloon. He is never going to laugh again, Ronnie. You have taken away his joy. He's going to be self conscious of his teeth covering lips. Do I look like a meth addict? Now what I like about him is that he is, he comes from a place of

bitterness, which I don't feel like we see a lot of on this show or at least not overt bitterness. There's actually a lot of like bitter subtext, but in this case he's actually bitter and he's like, well I've had one hell of a year, my my ex and I were together for a couple of years and we bought a house together and we were married for a year and a half and I would think if someone weren't really happy, they'd have the time to figure that out,

but apparently not. And they show a picture of him and it's just like him with his ex and his ex's face just has a giant cross over it. Yeah. These just punches a hole through his face with a pen. He's like, so when Terrible to voice later, and I told myself, if anything got that terrible, I'd sell everything and move to Europe. I mean, if everything's just gone to hell, why not find my creativity again, start singing,

open a portal to another world. You know that John has a very toxic, I'm gonna say a toxic female friend back in Garland Who is like well if you're so unhappy? Why don't you sell everything good a year? Like you always say you always say these things. It's fun. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it Okay, then do it. Yeah, I'm gonna do it. I'm moving to knees. That's where I'm gonna go. Nice. All right Let me see. I'm gonna watch I'm gonna watch fine And he's just here on a deer because he got into what you got into a shouting match That he couldn't get out of that's the only reason why he's here

Yeah, and I felt like whoever he was in the fight with it. Oh good luck in needs good luck finding air conditioning Yeah, I feel like you didn't even have a list of needs just the other person dictated it. Oh, yeah Good luck finding a place in need there won't be any air conditioning. There won't be a balcony There won't even be any hot people to bring you look at. Oh, yeah, I'm finding a gay bar This is all just like he's just like angry at someone. That's what this entire move is Well, I you know he seems to go through the problem. Everyone thinks like when you're gay. I mean gay does mean happy and you know Like it is very fun being gay. I'm so glad I'm gay, but you know, dating, whenever I talk to straight people about dating

and being gay, they're always so shocked at how depressing it is. And I don't know that it's more depressing than normal dating, but I do know this. My girlfriends are always shocked and I tell them, babe, I'm dating men too. Like, it sucks. It sucks for me too.

I know how much men suck. I date them as well. That's right. Exactly. So, uh, John is basically like, you know what, if everything's gone to hell, why not find my creativity again? I can sing. I can open a portal to another world, like an actual portal. I feel like if I sing beautifully enough, a portal will open up and I will step into a place that is both leather-accented and full of flowers. Lots of copper, because you know he's like gay punk, you know, like gay steampunk. And he's like, you know, I mean, the part of Texas I'm from, there's no oceans and beaches. That's not fair. That's not really fair to hold that against your town, you know. Fuck your town, no oceans, no beaches, mad marts.

I mean, he could just move to Miami. I mean, it's pretty extreme. Yeah. I mean, listen, I support it. I mean, I would love to live in France. I totally, I totally 100% buy into like that French, you know, like the whole romantic view that we have of living in France. And I know it's not all rosy like that, but I fully buy into it.

And I do wanna be that person who walks along on boardwalk in Nice, or has a baguette in Paris and just lives that life. Like I try to recapture that in my daily life by having coffee. I would totally do this. Well, you totally relish a baguette too. You're like the kind of person who you really relish that coffee about baguettes. So I feel like you are kind of Emily in Paris. Yeah. I have been working my way through a large loaf of country bread, which is about as close

as I get to a bag at these days. And every time I have it, I pretend I'm at a little cafe and I'm just eating it and feeling sophisticated. It does a lot for me. Yeah. I feel like every time I'm with you that's how you are. Like we could be in McDonald's and you're like, isn't this lovely? You know, isn't this?

What a lovely, what a lovely, what a lovely quaint cheeseburger this is. I call it like, I don't even know what they, I actually think that cheeseburger is. The Latte's big egg. So Montpete Flur, he sees her and he gives her a big hug. And like a big hug. It's like not just like a regular. He like gives her a bear hug. And like a big hug. It's like not just like a regular.

He like gives her a bear hug and lifts her feet off the ground. She's like, okay. Okay, John. All right, John. Cause she's very much the person that like counterbalances everything John says. Like she's this sort of person in your life

that walks up to you and says, okay, let's relax. Okay, let's relax for a second. All right, I know you want to get a steak. Get a, get a relax, okay, let's relax for a second, all right. I know you wanna get a steak. Get a, get a salad, okay? Yeah, she is that girl. I think that in America, she was probably like a children's agent. You know, she has that look about her with her big beret where she's like, okay, don't do that, don't do it again.

You can do it. It's like, yes, you confidence, but it's not too much. You know, it. It's like yes, you confidence but it's not too much You know she wants you to like book a couple of local shows But she doesn't want you to become like river Phoenix or whatever right all right, you know what we got we got an ad for Kick cereal. I think you'd be great for it But let me tell you something don't let it go to your head all right because I've been down this path before with a lot of people All right, it's a kicks. It's it's a job. Yeah So Adrian's like we have so much to talk about John.

I mean, everything you've been through, but first let's talk about real estate. And he's like, what the? I mean, also I don't get to tell you about feeling unwanted in a landlocked house. Oh. Also, by the way, I just realized that when he put her down from the big giant hug, he goes, are you okay? I know you're delicate. She's like, ah.

Well, I dislocated half of my bones in my body from that hug, but you know what? It's okay, I'm a professional. That's why I always wear a beret when I get to John. I could just use it as a bandage if I need it, I write. It actually started out as a white beret, and know it's red, because I'm bleeding from my ears. I'm holding my head in my hands right now. Find other ways, Jack. When we take a Bob-fricken crane over here.

So he wants a one bedroom. He's like definitely not a studio, because when my family comes, I need separation, okay? And I need furnished, and I'd really like a terrace or a balcony and listen, I'm not gonna sweat, all right, bitch, I need some AC and a washer and a dryer, so do it. And all the things he's asking for are fairly normal. I don't know a balcony, but you know, like everything else, like an air conditioner, a washer and a dryer, and she's like, wow, wow, John.

A washer and a dryer. Come on, John, come on. She's like, washer, yes, not so sure washer. Well, antidriier. Come on, John. Come on. She was like, Washa, yes. Not so sure about the drier, okay? Which I feel like I was thinking about it. What would I think is more important? A washer or a dryer?

I actually think the dryer is more important because it takes a longer, I feel like it takes a longer amount of time for things to air dry than like you could theoretically fill up your sink with the detergent there and like you know scrunched things around and stuff and then you throw it in the dryer. I have no opinion. I mean my opinion on laundry is you know you call up a place. No number. Yeah you call it a place. Well I was one thing I'll get snoddy over. I'm not really

a very snoddy person but with laundry I'm like yeah I'm not gonna do thatughty over. I'm not really a very snaughty person, but with Laundry, I'm like, yeah, I'm not gonna do that. Big mistake. Huge. That's you talking to the world pool section of Best Buy. So, I will say though that yes, the things that he's asking for are fairly standard, but this is Europe, and these European apartments were built around the time

that Lim is a rob that was actually written and they have not been updated since then. So you're lucky if you get maybe half of one of these requests. Yeah, I'm sure it's really lovely there, but I mean, yeah, I'm the same as John. I'm like, you better get me an AC. Okay. So 100%. That is why I have not gone to Europe, by the way, because I've had friends, I'm the same as John. I'm like, you better get me an AC. Okay. Yeah. Oh, 100%.

That is why I have not gone to Europe, by the way, because I've had friends. I'm 45. It's not like I'm some spring chicken. And I've had friends who are like, we're going to Europe. And I'm like, no, I hear they don't have much AC over there. What do they tell us they've got it? They don't tell us they've got it. They're like, Ronnie, you're not going to go to Europe because of air conditioning. Yes. That is the absolute truth.

Okay. I will not go to Europe because of air conditioning. Yes, that is the absolute truth. I will not go to Europe because of air conditioning. I will say, when we recapt Emily in Paris, we talked about how the apartment that she had, I thought it looked pretty spacious, and you're like, it looks sort of small, but my friend actually spent a year in Paris. She had a job, she was like Michelle in Paris, and she was out there for a year.

And so I went and visited her, and she was in one of those apartments. I was at the tipi-top. That was four like the maids. And this Emily in Paris did not really reflect how small those apartments are. But this show, House Hunter's International does, even though these aren't even the maids quarters, that apartment that my friend had, it was like, it was so tiny. And then on top of that, you like couldn't stand up straight in some parts because the ceiling was like at an angle because you know the tops of those buildings,

if you can think of like a French building, how they sort of like angled, almost like the roof. So you're like hunched over because there's like this roof in your forehead. And so it's like, Well, I've lived in New York for 10 years. So yeah, I definitely got that experience. I used to live in something that looked like a coffin above the bathroom.

I would have to crawl up, I would have to unfold like a metal ladder, you know, and crawl up there and then crawl into my room, the Zina, my dog at the time. And just remember Zina. I painted stars on the ceiling. It was so depressing up there. It was like a little coffin. Anyway, these things that we, this is living accommodations we do to ourselves. I mean, it's ridiculous

So Adrian says so he wants a $850. That's his budget. So Adrian is like She's like, well, you know what John even with the savings You're really gonna need to find ways to earn money, right? You know, like so what are you gonna do for that? Please don't tell me it's singing John. Well, I've been singing. Oh John So that means getting gigs. Well, guess what? I have my roller dex here. I brought it. I haven't updated it in about 15 years, but guess what? I think some of the contacts are still good. Yeah. Can you think like share? They really love that here. I really hope you're going to bring out the shit, John. All right. So she's like, all right. So you'll be singing. Where do you want to live?

He's like, where the hottest people are? Dick Aberhud. And she's like, all right. So you'll be singing, where do you want to live? He's like, where the hottest people are? The gay barhood. And she's like, I was never heard that term, gay barhood. That's good. I'm gonna write that down. Gay barhood. Now, how do you spell that as a G-A-Y like gay barhood like gay like that? Or was it something? Oh, it is like, okay, great, great. Okay. I got you a 2 p.m. with the gay barhood. Yeah, and he's like, you've never heard that term. I'm a fucking idiot. She's like, I know John, sorry. Okay, I'm a lady with a beret.

I'm not some gay. That's like, all right. He's like, so what about this area we're in now? Really like it here. She's like, well, this is the greatest part of town, John. That's why you like it, all right? It's the block from the beach. I live right down the street.

Fabulous, all right. I'm blacked away from here, okay? I live a black over there. And a black over from here, okay? I love black over there. And a black over there is a club. And a black over there is a super mug. It's the best place. Everything a compositing is with a square black of here, okay? He's like, well, what's the deal here?

It's like, it's a parade route, John. It's a parade route. How further can I illustrate this for you? And then the, then the show actually illustrates it because we see on the map, they put a little disco ball to be like, gay, gay, gay. I feel like any neighborhood John lives in is going to be a parade route, you know, just by nature, just by his nature. So she's like, okay, she takes him to the first building and she's like,

heads up, it's a gay club. And he's like very excited about that. I mean, I think my nightmare is living above a gay club, but that's fine. Just because the amount of noise would be just... It's the noise from the club. It's the noise from the drunk, the drunk days outside the club, you know, fighting after hours. I mean, you really have not heard noise until you've heard that noise. Yeah, so I live around a lot of gay clubs. There is a lot of sperm. Shout out.

You're a lot of that. Remember that fight we did earlier? That's that that's what happens outside the gay club. There's a lot of body. You're like, I'm not sure if you have to miss a lot of clumps of we've left on the sidewalk. There's like random high heels left all over the neighborhood, not even kidding. Random really loud renditions of love on top. You bet my love on top! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha 80, 850 a month and he's like, well, you better go down thing with me if I rent this.

All right, John, let's relax a little bit. Let's go inside, okay? So they go in and it's tiny. He's like, hmm, quaint, but look at that. Loy, look, there's a light. Look, actually, there's a light bulb. That's what I'm pointing at. This house comes with a light bulb.

I mean, that's a deal. Yeah, and those places, I mean, to me, this is like just a tiny little dump. I immediately was like, no, run. Same. He just goes. Same. It's terrible.

And the things he's complaining about, instead of just going like, this is a shit hole, why are you bringing me here? Although he's only spending 850 a month. I mean, I don't know what he's expecting. But he's like, what is this? A 1950s catch-up? Yeah.

The kitchen is so terrible. And at that point, I was like, this is a terrible kitchen, not realizing it was actually probably one of the best kitchens of the episode. It had like four electric burners, a little stove, a little oven. It had a tiny fridge.

And it had this like sort of weird standing thing that was like sort of, I guess, your table slash kitchen peninsula. It was just like, yeah, it was bad. And she keeps talking everything up. But John, there's four burners, John. Wow. John, there's a fridge.

John, it's a fridge. Wow, look. John, you have a front door. Have you ever seen a front door like this before? It's, be honest. He has a knob. And he's like, oh, and look, a hottie on the ceiling. Cause across the street, there's construction workers

working on the roof. And she's like, okay, John, you know what, they don't come up with the apartments, you gotta take it now so you can still enjoy them. Ha, ha, ha, ha, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And he hates the furniture.

And he's like, he's like, well, I mean, this is this nice. It's not nice enough to make this furniture not make me want to throw up in my mouth. Yeah. When I'm done barping in my mouth, I guess I can try and take a shower in this little tiny tinky, rinky, dinky shower. God. And it's a tiny shower.

It is tiny and the washer is there in the shower room or in the bathroom. And he's like, I don't know about this. Tiny shower. Huh. Hotty though. Love the hotty. So thanks for that. Hotty on a roof.

Love that. Hotty on a roof. I'll take it on the roof. I'll take it on the roof. Favorite musical. Yeah. So he's like a little, he's not totally sold on this one. Just yeah, he likes the height and he likes the light, but it's all a bit outdated for him.

So they, they go up back out on the street and they start walking away. And he's like, um, why are we walking this way when the Gale Club is back that way? All right, John, you know what? You have to relax. You have to relax, John. All right. I can't, I can't put on enough braets to explain how much you have to relax right now. John got his heart broken in Texas,

but you have no idea how many, oh, this is Adrian. She's like, John got his heart broken in Texas, but you have no idea how many clients I have who come here and say within 24 hours, yes, I can do it. And John's got a personality like that. You know, diluted. So strain. I like to call those customers stranded. We also hear from John that like the first time he went to France was when he was in high school, he had, I guess saved

up money for a car, but then he spent it that way. He could go with this French teacher and a group to France. I would see this photo of him, and when he was 15, in a burgundy striped shirt and a red scarf and a black jacket, pretty much like all of us, when we were trying to land a part in drama club. You know?

It was like a very universal photo. I'm an actor, I have a scarf. So, so she was like, yeah, he just like a very universal photo. I'm an actor. I have a scarf. So yeah So she's like, yeah, you know, he just wants to check it off But I mean, maybe you can get singing gigs, but will that pay enough? He's gonna have to make a trade off with the price here And he's like, well at some point you just say screw it. I'm moving. Check. Yeah, look at you. You did it Here you are, John. He's like slumio slum also

Flap the line corporate like all right lover and Shirley come on get it together. It's serious John get serious, okay, this is a wonderful sitcom that you make fun of it. This is not the time of the place Okay, no, it's like this this neighborhood is called the car to the floor. You know what floor is right? He's like I just caught you floor bitch That's right, John. All right, comment down, John. All right, John. Okay, let me explain. It means flowers, okay.

So anytime you see, just remember flowers, okay, John. So he takes her and she takes him into a one bedroom garden terrace for 800 a month. Yeah, and he's like, well, yeah, he's, she tells him it's garden terrace, $800 a month, and he's like, oh, well, yeah, he's, she's, she tells him it's Garnetars $800 a month and they're standing outside and he's like, um, and we're standing here because because he's all excited, he thinks it's gonna be this beautiful apartment with this like, like, flowers and gardens and everything.

And so he's like, races in there and they go into a courtyard and it's just like, this weird uh, patio. Yeah, that's basically like this weird patio. Yeah, it's basically a little tiny patio at the front door. And it's also like a low front door. John, watch your head. Watch your head, your tall. Watch your head, John. Yeah, he's tall.

He can't fit in this apartment at all. And so they go in there and he's like, well, it's like a little baby house. Wow, like a literally a little baby house. So thanks a lot, Adrian. Built by babies, built for babies. That's what I feel like I'm in. He's like, well, it's good for practicing singing in here because there's an echo. All right, John. All right, but you have to furnish it, but you get to furnish it anyway way you want. So I'm just assuming in a very tacky way, but then it's your furniture, John. And then he has a little toilet closet, and you know, I love a toilet closet.

And she starts badgaming him at this point. She's like, are you even going to fit in there, John? Can you fit in there? And he's like, I got me, bro. Kind of. John, I don't want to have to have the meta-back you out of here. Okay, only close that door if you know it's going to be safe. Are you okay, John?

He's like, now these stairs, I mean, can I call you and say, like, I fall and then I can't get up. Am I going to call you? She's like, no, John, no, you're not. All right. John, that joke doesn't play well in France, okay? So they also, the kitchen, by the way, is two burners. We've actually lost two burners.

There's two burners, no oven, and a teeny tiny fridge. So the kitchen's getting worse and worse and worse. Is this someone with a little office fridge? Like the little... No, not yet, not yet. This is just like two little hot plates. I mean, the kitchen is basically like a tiny counter with two hot plates and two or two burners and the fridge. That's it. Yeah, I really need to see like a rich person or even a middle class

version of how sometimes where people actually go look at nice places because I feel like most of the time we talk about this, they're just all looking at shit holes, like complete depressing shit holes. That's a really... Wow, look at this, it has a window. Oh, I think I'll do that. I believe that there is new construction in Europe, but I feel like HGTV hasn't shown it to us yet. Like, I don't know why they're not showing it to us.

I don't mean new construction, just like a big gorgeous apartment in Nice, you know? Like, yeah, fabulous, like killing Eve style. Have you ever watched killing Eve? I haven't, but I know what you're talking about. Oh, I mean, it's gorgeous European. Yes, it's amazing, but this is like, you know, would you like this shit hole or that shit hole? So they go upstairs and there's like a, there's not a bathroom door. It's like a fringe curtain. And it's like a there's not a bathroom door. It's like a Fringe fringe curtain and he's like a beaded curtain. Yeah, but Fred but just French. He's like oh my god

I've always seen a turner. I'd make a dress out of this Yeah, all right, John can you get in the shower? Can we let's do the shower? Just all right, John. Can you fit in there John? He's like, do you just want to say I fat and I need to lose a few pounds? John your words not mine. Okay, get in the shower. Okay. All right. So we have to like, the shower door is like this weird door on the corner and he actually has to like, squeeze himself in and he's like, oh my god, the bathroom. I shimmied. It was almost kind of fun. Yeah, he's like, yeah, I chimmyed. So. So then the room is really bad, because it's like the floor is

sloping and the room is going to hit his head. And he's like, well, I don't know if I can squeeze and squat that much. Yeah, he's like, is this floor, I can't tell the floor sloping or is the ceiling giving the illusion? Do you have a marble? Actually, John, I actually do have a marble. I just, I just found a house for a marble a marble owner and he gave me a marble as a token of

thank you. So he has a marble for you, John. So like listen, it's under your budget marble boy. And he's like, yeah, but I see one of the neighbors over there and they're not hot. I hate to say this, but I also, you know, it is as Karen Huger would say, well, it's nice to have some eye candy out the window. I know, but I'm also wondering, is he just going to stand at the window and jerk off all day? What does he do? He sounds like a total perv. Every place he walks into, he goes to the window.

He's like, no, wins a hot people. That one's hot. He's like no wins a hot people that was hot It's like keep it in your pants, dude Do you have a marble? Can I have a marble at the non-hot guy? You don't need hot people outside get the internet for crazy So then they go to the next place we get like a little teaser and Adrian's like all right Why don't you go in before me John? Why don't you go and you think ah? Now this is more Texas size. Well, it's a nice, it's a nice size, not a Texas size. Just relax, John, okay?

Just relax. So she takes him to a bar. Is this where they go to the bar? Yeah, that was just like a teaser, but now we go to the bar. Yeah, so she takes him to a bar and she's like, so what kind of job are you doing in Judy Garland?

And he's like, sales, but you know what? I've always wanted to sing. I'm sick of putting my dreams on hold. And he tells us singing is the only thing he's ever wanted to do, but it's been a really long time. And she's like, well, we want to hear you. Are you prepared, John? Are you prepared?

And he's like, what? Like right now? And they cut to this bartender who's like, yeah, sure. Okay. Come on, you want to sing, prove it, prove it. If you want to, if you want to earn some money at Liv and Neese, you got to prove it, John. Come on, get up there on that stage or whatever that crate, whatever they call this thing

over here. This is terrifying. This reminds me of being a little kid and my parents being like, sing, you know, you want to. And it's like sing for all your cousins who hate your guts and want you to die, you know. And the bartender is so not into this. She's like, you can do it. Yeah.

Like please, let's get this over with so I can get back to proper, pop a bar atmosphere. And he's like, well the problem is, I have anxiety issues. John. John, don't then don't like lean into being a professional singer just yet then. So he's like, you know, I'm a singer, but what I really need to learn is how to be an entertainer. So, okay, John, you're getting on my damn nerves now. Okay, I came here to have a damn drink,

not hear the Americans squeak out some share. Okay. I know. So he gets up there and he starts out some share. Okay. I know so he gets up there and start singing some karaoke I didn't know what the song was. Did you know the song? He's like there's a place for war. There's a place for fear There's a place for confusion. You won't find it here. You can't push the river. Let it be and it will deliver on time Yes, I'll be right on time All I really here is like, I'm in the line after low. The bartender's just staring at him like,

is this they call him music? Is this his music? You just see cats running down the street outside. So then they go to root difference. And she's like, well, this is a pedestrian street, John. So you're gonna hear people noise but not traffic noise. Gaper, hot people, what kind of noise? I'm not hot people noise. Yeah, he's like, hot is just lots and lots of hot at least and non-hoties, mainly non-hoties. Okay. By the way, I think that pedestrian noise may actually be worse than street noise. Street noise is like white noise.

pedestrian noise is like Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! You know? Yeah, I would rather white noise than white people noise. Haha!

So, they go out to see this one bedroom with a large bath supposedly. And he's like, and money, he's like, well, it's 9.50 a month, John. He's like, what? Oh my God, but he's trying to do to me, woman arm. And she's like, well, John, you got to see what your money's going to buy. Okay. And he goes, but I don't want to have to go back to Garland, because I'm broke. Well, John, you probably should have thought about that before you embarked on a career that you scared to do out here, okay?

So this is a bigger place, but it's still a small place. Yeah, it's, I mean, it's, after the first two apartments, this felt like the lap of luxury. I mean, there were herringbone floors that were really nice. The kitchen had proper counters and proper lighting. The kitchen seemed great at first, but then she's like, hey, John, hey, John, do you see what's missing? Do you see what's missing? Think about it, John, think real hard. Okay, John, you got three seconds. Oh, hot people.

No, no, no, guess again. Hot people with air conditioners on that. Okay, John, I want you to really focus. Okay, it's like what I always tell my kids when they have to book a kick-kack commercial. I want you to visualize what's missing. Hot people in beer fridge. I don't know where's the fridge. Yeah, there's like a mini fridge. Yeah, there's a mini fridge.

And but he thinks he can have a party there. And by the way, I have to correct you. And I'm so sorry, but those are not hearing bone floors. Those are chevron floors. You know, I always get hearing bone and chevron a little confused. Chevron floors. You know, I always get herringbone and chevron a little confused. Chevron is the straight V, like where they go right into it,

the points meet in a V. And herringbone is in the V shape. Oh, they are overlaven. You know, yeah, woven. Well, thank you. I said, look to the kitchen. Now I know. There you go, John.

All right. You know what, they're very close. You know what, John, just relax. They're not herringbone, all right? So stop, stop getting out your dip, all right, you know what? They're very close. You know what John just relaxed. They're not having bone. All right, so stop, stop getting out your dip. All right, there's not actual hearings down there. Well, I'm sure I'm going to get herring bound if there's any hot people here.

And that's for sure. So he goes to the window and he's like, well, there be hotties walking around. I'm like, dude, put up your parents. Like this guy is going to be on the France version of Megan's list. Okay. He's going to get on the sex offenders registry within five minutes this guy

So they walk into the master bedroom, okay the bedroom and you're like well, it's sort of smallish for me What's out of what size mattress is this and she's like well? You know what it's a double but you could put a queen in here You just did which is like the obligatory like anytime there's a gay person in the house Hunter They have to make a joke about being a queen. No, but that's so me too. Like I totally do. I'm not saying any judgment. Like I'm totally John. Went there. I'm gonna be like fuck everything. I'm moving to the croissant country with that calls get friends. I'm moving to France. We're not people in the

body. No, you're not, Ronnie. No, you're not. Good luck finding Eric conditioning in a big room and having bone floors. Well, maybe when they all get really thin and I just don't need air conditioning. You'll always need air. When I say you, I'm meaning that generally because I'm someone who always needs air conditioning. I'm just like, I just feel like. I don't need it as much. Oh my God. I was like, I I think it's just who you are, right? Like I overheat very easily. Yeah, okay, thanks. So then I will never lose weight.

That experiment's out the window. Body. So he looks at the bathroom, and it's like a pretty standard bathroom. Now compared to the other ones, it is a lot better, you know? And there's two scenes I think in this one. So he's like, oh, boom, sure. There's my put a little hustle in my path. Oh

Yeah, and there's a two person and the shower can fit two people and then it turns like well I mean how many people do you need to fit in there John and he's like well, how much time do you got John? Come on John and he does his big open mouth toothless laugh And he's like I can do a lot with his apartment. So outside, they start talking about his options, you know. And he's like, well, it's pretty expensive. And she's like, yeah, it's John, you rise to the occasion and go out there

and get tons of singing gigs, John. Yeah, she's basically telling him that like, like, you know what, this apartment would make you feel so good about yourself, that you're just gonna rise to the occasion, and you're gonna go out there, and you're gonna book that Cheer then they go over, you know, we see the big checklist and she decides that she's gonna take him to get a pedicure to decide. Yeah, and no one could be less enthused than the woman who worked at that salon. They are sitting there, sitting there

at these two people's feet just so angry. So, you know what I'm talking about? I'm playing them, his feet, I mean, listen. I'm not really someone who goes to get pedicures because my feet are that disgusting, but that's called pride. And I don't want to put anybody through with the trauma of my feet.

John does not care. He's got those kind of big toes that looks like he's got a toenail, but then another toenail growing over that toenail. Do you know what I mean? Good mini one? Yeah. The nail technicians were like, um, Miss Yael, thank you so much for this bag of croissant,

but we do not need, oh, it's your foot. Oh, it's your foot. So, they go over the houses, and he's like, house number one, big windows, light, view, location, hotty on the roof, okay? Yeah, he goes, he goes, house number one, be great for my social life, and they cut to the construction worker on their roof. I was like, what are you trying to say, Al, son, he goes he goes how's number won't be great for my social life and they cut to the construction worker on their roof

I was like what are you trying to say out centers? Number two is the cottage and he's like well it does have outdoor space even though Stim and discussing in tiny He goes oh god that shower I had to put a stick of butter on each side of me to get into that shower Yeah, and the number three is like the fancy ones. And he's like, oh, yeah. He starts laughing like a stereotypical French. He's like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

and it got to the bed of curious being like, stupidly now can. Who hating him, hating his guts? And he's like, well, it's big. I mean, I didn't like the fridge, but I didn't like the tiny fridge, but I did like the price. And I mean, there was no outdoor space. So yeah, so it's not perfect, Johnny. He's like, yeah, but I like it.

And I want the crazy, swanky, nice apartment. Mm. Yeah, just, you know what? You can have whatever you want, okay? But I'm gonna be a voice of reason, all right? And I think that you need the sensible apartment, even though I did just say that the nice apartment would actually inspire you to be a better singer,

I think we all know there's a limit to how good your voice can be. So I'm saying sensible apartment, John. He's like, how about the other one I can fit 2.5 people in my shower? John, John, okay, come on, you can live without that. And then you know what, when you're doing great and you're earning money in about five years,

you can move up, all right, John? He's like, fine, and he seems so upset about it. He's like, he hates that so sad. And he's like, my mother's probably gonna send you a card or flowers or something, which is like, that was like the most universal gay sentiment of all time. This was the saddest one because I don't think I've ever seen one where the guy is just depressed after.

It's like, oh, I know, I know, it just he seems like so crestfallen and the thing is that she, she talked it up like, like he could actually achieve this dream when they looked at it. She's like, everything will be wonderful. You're actually going to become a great success if you take this apartment, but you shouldn't take it. You said must be honest job. Okay.

They could only get one out. They could only stand one number, rather you at the Greek place. Okay. So he's going to work towards the swanky apartment. So he chooses house number one. And then two months later, he's there in Nice, he's happy, his dog has turned French and he said his dog is growing a small moustache

and he's like singing into his laptop. He's made, you know, the house number one, which is what he chose, you know, he made it look cute. He made it work. Yeah, and he's really just singing online anyway. I don't know what he's doing, but he's every time we see him singing, it's like online doing something. Yeah. And he had a gay bear art. Yeah, that kind of gay art. It's like the big strong bear pencil drawings or whatever.

It's sort of like Tom Affinland, but not quite. Yes, it's like Marshall's version of Tom Affinland. And he's like, you know, if I have one thing to say to my ex, it's you did me a favorite loser because every day it's like vacation. And it's just fabulous. Roller skating, you know, down the boardwalk or whatever. Oh God bless. God bless.

Pretty sweet. I really love this episode. I thought they were so adorable together and Yeah, I'm I hope he does get that that swanky apartment I hope I hope that's where that's where he is right now. Swanky swanky apartment. Yes, just sitting on top of pianos with Matini singing his life away Yeah, all right everybody. Thank you so much for being here We will talk to you next time. Go find us on Twitter, Instagram if you want to comment on these.

We're at Watch What Crapins on Insta and Twitter at what crap ends. And we will talk to you soon. Bye everyone. Well, hello. Raising kids can be one of the greatest rewards of a parent's life. But come on, someday's parenting is unbearable. I love my kid, but is a new parenting podcast from Wondry that shares a refreshingly honest and insightful take on parenting.

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