Watch What Crappens - Dwell Hello #303: Quibbling Over Quirk in Vaucluse France

Episode Date: February 9, 2023

*Dwell Hello is our twice a month podcast for Wondery+!* In this episode of House Hunters International (S181E03), an odd American couple comes to France, the only place they've ever heard of that cooks foods seasonally. Will they find their quirky home in this door heaven? Let's find out! We watched this episode on YouTubeTV!Find bonus episodes at patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens and follow us on Instagram @watchwhatcrappens @ronniekaram @benmandelker Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Oh, and welcome to Dwell. That's Ben over there. Hello, Ben. Hi, Ronnie. How are you? Great. Everybody, welcome to the show. We're Ronnie and Ben from Watch What Crappins.

Dwell, hello, is our house hunters and house hunters international. And house hunters remodel or whatever the hell. House hunters takes a nice swim. Any house hunters that comes out, this is our recap show of that. not have to watch a show to listen to this podcast. And if you do want to, the world makes it a little difficult to find them because they air on all kinds of platforms. We find them on YouTube TV and Discovery Plus, is where we find ours. But they tend to have different episode numbers on each of those services. So we're going to tell you where we watched each episode, how we watched it,

and the episode title. I would suggest just Googling the episode title. And you'll find somewhere to stream it if you want to watch. But we try and make it so that you don't have to. Okay? We're just here to make fun of dumdums. So. Yeah. But this one, this one, the name of this episode is quibling over quirk in Val Clues, France.

And it's House Hunters International, season 181 episode three. 181, right? Did I get that right? Yeah, season 181, episode three. and that's on YouTube TV. Okay. Yeah. So, here we go.

We're with a really odd couple in France. Yes. This episode cracked me up. I was dying. But this couple, this realtor, what they want, the realtor's reaction to them. I just couldn't, I couldn't even deal. So, you know, it shows like little parts of coming up on this, this episode. So we see them in France, this couple.

and the lady is like, Oh, please you this on before. Ordering an ice cream or something. And the guy goes, I have like no idea what you were saying. Yeah, he's very on. He's very much like playing to the cameras. So then we hear the narrator, Linda, say,

Rachel and Andy knew that leaving Pittsburgh to find their dream home in southern France would be challenging, particularly because they're from Pittsburgh and people from France see that they're from Pittsburgh. Every time the narrator, Linda, says Pittsburgh, they cut to like the electrical plant in Pittsburgh.

I know. I mean, every single time, and it's just this big pipe, this big cement pipe just pumping out pollution. Every single time. I mean, it's like they do Pittsburgh so dirty on this show. Because Pittsburgh is actually a very pretty city. It has all these bridges and stuff and old buildings. And they just are showing the most industrial side.

They're just, they're like showing people crawling out from under the pavement covered in, like, sewage. But, yeah, I'm in Pittsburgh now. Yeah, they slammed the fuck out of Pittsburgh. It was hilarious. So she's like, Pittsburgh. That's the shot that they show. That's like what the shot sounds like. And Rachel's like, yeah, we're both pretty fickle.

And he's like, yeah, so it's going to be pretty strange to see. how this turns out. And this guy talks in jazz hands, like he moves his hands a lot when he talks and he keeps his fingers straight out like jazz hands. This guy, this guy can't. I mean, if you can't already tell,

this guy's, he's too much. Too much. Then, yeah, he's like, yeah, it'll be interesting to see how it all pans out. And then Linda says, but reality is far stranger than they imagined. Poor simple people from Pittsburgh. thinking they could finally escape.

And Rachel's like, this is the only bathroom? And Andy's like, quirk has literally like slap me in the face. And it's charming, but is it practical? And then we see one point of Andy going, are these wires live? Let me touch them. Whoa.

And by the way, just in case you haven't watched this episode yet, Ronnie's impersonation of Rachel, is exactly how she sounds. She's, like, very quiet, borderline, or maybe borderline plus mousy, and she just has this little necklace around her chest, and she's like, I'm just like a little worried about, like, having to run a video place. It just is like, we're both, like, pretty fickle. And then he's like, la da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-ha.

Hello America. So they're walking hand in hand and looking at France, And it's a very picturesque, at least, I mean, look, at least for an American who's never been to France, it looks just like every picture you see of France. It's like really, yeah, it's really pretty. It's like cobblestones, really old buildings, really small, thin streets, you know, that's like small doors. Maybe a bicycle can fit on the street. Yeah, and like, it's like gorgeous. And he goes, oh my God, so many doors here.

Yeah. all the doors here? Wow. I'm like, yeah, I know it's crazy how people like to get into buildings. And then Rachel goes, the architecture here is like so different than back in Pittsburgh? I was like, oh, you're going to.

Cut to the smoke stacks and the urban plight. And blight. Plight and blight. I'm telling you every single time they say that word. It's like, it's like, where you go to I know it's just a wee bit different than Pittsburgh.

I'm just going to say, just a shade. It's not quite Heinzfeld. Well, after seven years together, world traveling, Rachel and Andy felt the need to shake things up. Instead of having the self-confidence to find a real man, Rachel chose France. Rachel tried to get away from Andy, but Andy followed her to France. Turns out her excuse of, hey, I'm just, going to the store and by store, I mean, the local baguette place because I'm moving to France didn't quite work out for her.

We've left our life in Pittsburgh, but we've gotten to the point where everything seems habitual. Because she said Pittsburgh. I was dying. I mean, you can only go to the steel mine so many times before you decide you need to move to the set of France. So Andy's like, yeah, we need to. needed a big life change. She's like, yeah, we needed a big life change, and I was hoping that he was not going to be part of that, but here he is. And since the moment I met you, you, like, have very much put forth this idea that, like, France is a part of your life. Yeah. He says it like, it's crazy. And she's like, yeah, 10 years ago, I came to France to teach English. And I was hoping to stay here forever. And then all of a sudden, people with,

Masks on. Grab me and put a prolapsack over my head and drag me back to Pittsburgh. I'm never going to leave. Pittsburgh. And he's like, yeah. So, like, basically, that story that she just said has basically led us to this moment where we could finally move to another country. But they're not willing or able to leave behind their life in, oh, just show the clip. Show the smokestacks. These two idiots are not willing to lead behind the smokestacks for this charming lifestyle in south of France. I don't get it either. And he goes, yeah, we actually have a house that we love very much.

So we're going to hang on to it. So Rachel is a middle school teacher and Andy is a commercial director. So we're going to have like one foot in Pittsburgh and then we're going to have like one foot in France. But the hope is that we'll be in France. full time. So we're moving to the clues. Yeah, I mean, we have to have some time in Pittsburgh because, hello, Peter's mattress store does not make commercials for itself. We're going to find our dream home. So then we meet Real to Eleanor. And Eleanor is seven

feet tall, okay? And I don't know if she's really tall or if she's just talking to Danny DeVito-sized people. I'm not really sure. I think it's the latter. I think she's tall, but they're also short, so it makes her look really tall. But also what makes her tall is that she has a huge amount of disdain for them. And so she's always kind of frowning. And frowning, it turns out, adds another six inches to your height. Yes. I love her because she's very gorgeous and she's so tall. She fits in nowhere. She cannot fit in one place that they go to. No, she is ducking through every door. But again, I think she's not, I don't think she's like WNBA. I think it's just that the doors are really low in this part of France. It just cracks me up because she's like this otherworldly, almost

elegant creature coming to just show Hobbit's homes, you know what I mean? It's like, well, after my people, I decided to open up to Hobbits, you know? So it's my niche. She's like, oh, bonjour. Nice, hello.

No, I can, unfortunately, I cannot come today. I have to show two Americans from Pittsburgh houses. I know, it's terrible. Wish me luck. So she's like, okay, couple, okay, little couple. why France of all of the countries? And Andy goes, oh my gosh, why not?

Am I right? She's like, well, have you considered, I don't know, back going back to Pittsburgh, we really just don't want you here. I'm sorry to say. She has like a British, she's French, but she has a British accent. Yeah. Because she like learned English in Britain or something like that. Yeah, I couldn't tell what accent it was.

It's kind of like all over. I was just like, wow, she's stuck hell again. And then we have a fact toy that comes up. There are a lot of little fact toys on the bottom of the screen. And so this one says, the Vecluse region is known for its spectacular mountain bistas, picturesque Roman towns, and vibrant lavender fields. In other words, not smokestacks. So, suck it, Pittsburgh.

When people think of the, they think of castles, purse, villages, and climate, you know, perfect climate. But what you dream of when you think of rural France, it's important that these two idiots, real life, that life is different here. They need to understand what they're embarking on, what they're doing, that there's not food court and smokestack on every block. There are no, how you say,

Pittsburgh Steelers here, no sports bars and scissors. There are no Subaru here. So Andy Han talking is like, we have actually looked at so many houses. So many. He's like, we really like this region because there are so many small towns here. And Rachel's like, I have concerns about getting on the same page with the house because like, we're both pretty fickle when it comes to houses. And for Pittsburgh, it took us years to find the perfect house because, you know, he wanted a house that.

that was like had character and like a certain number of rooms and bathrooms and some things. And I wanted a house that just wasn't in Pittsburgh or America. Or had him in it. But, you know, that didn't really work out. So we're trying this one instead. So Rachel's like, I would really like to be in a town that has some sort of commerce in it. And he goes, walkability.

That's what I want. And it's three bedroom. Three bedroom walkability. A small outdoor space. Which brings me to my next question. how much are you willing to spend 250,000 gummy bears I was thinking maybe I already kind of sold my soul

I said I want to be with someone and now I'm stuck with this guy so I don't know if I can really spend much more Which brings me to my next question Are you willing to do renovations? Yes, definitely, yay, renovations, I'm a... No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, we don't want to do that, no. We purchased a home that we were supposed to renovations, Pittsburgh and I've been living in a

construction zone for five years, which brings me to my next question. Why do you speak like a baby stuck in a metal lunchbox? I'm just sometimes afraid that if I speak too loudly, the Pittsburgh police will drag me back there.

They'll find me. The Pittsburgh Tourism Department they won't let me leave. They keep dragging me back. She, when they are talking about houses that they want. The fact that Rachel says,

you want a character home? I'm like, you're in the south of France. All these streets are three feet wide. They are inherent, like, it just seems silly to ask for a character home in the south of France. They all have to. There's not McMansons here. They've not

heard of that. Yeah. And also the things that they keep saying are so American and so France are not at all. It makes me whether where these people are even from at all. So we'll get into that a little later, but the real estate lady kills me, Eleanor. She goes, okay, well, you know, to find something with all the amenities they're looking for on the gummy bear budget, let me tell you, this town has become very popular in the past few years, and then we just see shots of

completely empty streets. There's like no humans. You just hear it, like that Western, what is that shit you hear in Western movies. No. You know what? The reason why it's empty is because Bell went running to the street, being like, hello, bonjour. And Americans from Pittsburgh are coming.

Everyone just close to their doors. It's anti-egoists. So they go to, oh, I'm sorry, go ahead. Maison La Romaine, or Maison La Romaine, something like that. And she goes, so here in Maison La Romaine, there are two parts. There's a medieval part

which can be quite touristy, or I like to call it, you in the summer and then there's another part which is lower and that's what stays alive all year around until people from Pittsburgh come and kill its thriving heartbeat. You'd like a taste of Provence but

will Provence like a taste of view? The answer is no. Let's see if they let you in. So they go to House number one which is a minimalist townhouse walkable area, balcony with views by a bedroom short. Yeah. So they walk in

The door is very small, and Eleanor literally has to duck to get into the house. And you walk in the house and like right there, right in front of the door, like, maybe you got two feet is a staircase going up to the second floor. Yes. And everywhere they go into cracks me up because they keep going, oh my God, I love the beams. Guys, this is how houses were built. These are not just decorative, okay, dumbdums. They all have beams. Yeah, they all have beams.

So the first floor has this kind of like sad tile flooring. It just sort of looks kind of looks just sad on that first floor, right? It's not the best tile. I love this house, though. I mean, 250, I would take this in a heartbeat. I loved it. I thought it was super cute. And then Rachel goes, you know, I really like the beams, but I'm a clean freak, so I really don't like white tiles.

That doesn't make any sense. Clean freaks love white tiles because you can see where you're, to clean. Yeah, and you can just easily just take a like a swift virtue or whatever. Yeah, Rachel's not a clean drink. I'm calling you out, ma'am. You're a liar. You're a dirty person. There. So Andy's like, well, I'll just rip out the floor.

She's just, um, absolutely not. We said no tools in your hands, okay? I already have enough of a tool in my marriage. And Eleanor is like, Andrew said you wanted outdoor space. So look at this outdoor space. And she like opens the door and it's just like one foot of balcony overlooking a freeway but that said it's their version of a freeway

it's fucking beautiful it was gorgeous you know what the balcony okay so they go out of this balcony the balcony is like framed with this like ivy it's like very lush gorgeous it's beautiful view of this like little hillside

and the town and Rachel goes the only thing I'm concerned about is that like we can barely stand out here without barely touching the other side. I'm sorry, that's like a normal size balcony. Like that's, yeah, you can't have a table out there, you can't entertain out there, but it's a very

nice balcony. You put some chairs out there, you drink some wine. I'm like, this balcony is magical. It's a gorgeous view. Yeah, it really is magical. And when I say Freeway, I'm joking, because it's like stone roads going up a mountain and a lake. There's a covered wagons going

up at, you know, little French vendors be like, bonjour, mademoiselle, Vue do pom. And then there's, and then she goes, I just, I thought it'd be like more storybooky or like Seardinary. I'm like, look at your, what about this view? This view is like the definition of a storybook. It's like old, old castles and villas and houses and cobblestones.

I think she just wants a secret gardeny balcony because doesn't that start off with a death? She just wants to get rid of her husband. So Eleanor shows them the dining room. in the kitchen, which are kind of the same thing. But there's like a beautiful long table. Yeah, the dining room was actually good. It was beautiful. Dinorm had space.

And honestly, the kitchen I thought was really good, considering we've seen a lot of these house hunters, and we've seen them in France. And they normally have the worst kitchens. Like, they're usually some small, crazy thing like in what we're going to see in house number two. And this was actually a pretty modern, updated kitchen with space. And it was a nice size table for entertainment.

So I actually was, I thought the first floor was a, was a bit meh. But this floor I was actually pretty sold on. And she's like, yeah, so well, there's nice kitchen for tiny people like yourselves. And oh, don't forget you have a downstairs toilet. And Adam's like, I'll be honest, I would have ripped this out and flip it. That's not what flip it means, you idiot. He keeps saying he's going to flip everything. Flip it means when he buys something and remodel it and sell it for more money.

It doesn't just mean remodeling it. He's also an idiot because, okay, he, clearly is not good with this because the way that Rachel says, no, no, no, no hammers, no hammers. Like, clearly he's fucked so many projects up. But also, I mean, you're in rural medieval France. You're a medieval town in France. You know, you're going to have to source all your hardware and all that stuff. I think that's going to be very difficult. And on top of that, France is notoriously extremely difficult when it comes to construction and construction projects. I mean, do we not remember Margo

trying to get her fridge fixed on real girlfriend in Paris? If he tries to do a home renovation and he needs to rely on help from the locals, he is going to be in trouble. Yeah, and you don't. I'm like so fired up about this. Like, if you suck, yeah, he sucks.

And if you suck at the American version of remodeling, you're really going to suck at the French. Because they don't have, it's not like, oh, look, here's some drywall. And, you know, a wood wall. Let's just knock. this down with the hammer and we'll put up another wood wall with drywall over it. That's not how

these places are built. I mean, you can see that like a lot of them were stone walls. You don't just take a fucking hammer. I know. I guarantee this is not like America. This is not like Pittsburgh where there's like a lows and a Home Depot on every corner. You know, this is, Pittsburgh. Like I guarantee, I mean, look, a lot of these houses have not been updated in 300 years and maybe there's a reason for that. Yeah. Built differently, guys. So this is the one where she's like, okay.

Oh, Adam's like, my relationship with Rachel. I mean, I can be a little over the top. And she's very grounded. So like with these houses, she's really good reality check about like maybe I can convince Rachel that these spaces need some DIY renovation. Oh, my God. Fix your face. You know what I mean?

Like, fix your hair. If you can't have a cute haircut, you can't be in charge of a DIY. period. Let's do a DIY renovation on the wardrobe first, and then we can talk about maybe tiling. So then, so they head upstairs to the bedrooms. And so they go into the first bedroom, which is like pretty small, but it's, I don't know, it's like, you know, it's fine. It's, you know, once you decorate it, it'll look nice. But then to get to the bigger bedroom, you actually have to go through bedroom number one to get to bedroom number two. And there's another Fractoid pops up and it says many floor plans in the Bacluse region feature medieval or antique

layouts considered odd by today's standards. And by today's standards, I mean two idiots from Pittsburgh. Yeah, because how is it not in any other times? They were just like, yeah, walk through my room to get to your room totally normal. Yeah, I think it was like that. I think I don't, I don't believe Eleanor when she's like, oh, this is how it is. It's very quite, it's quite common. I was like, Eleanor, you're just, you hate these people. I think it's, I actually do think, because I, I do know, like, back in the day, I think we talked about this once, that like in the old country houses in England, et cetera, but those old old homes, they were built in a linear fashion.

Like, you didn't really have hallways in the same way that you just sort of went from room to room to room. And, like, the farther in you got showed how close you were or how important you were to the family. So if you got like each, it's almost like a video game. Each room is like a level. So if you could get really far into the rooms, that means you were really important. And so I almost wonder if did this extend with bedrooms in a certain way?

Or maybe it's just like the idea that you just travel through certain rooms to get to other rooms is so ingrained that it wasn't a big deal to have that with bedrooms. I don't know. Or by the way, I could be just like full of shit. So that's possible too. Yeah, I just would like to think of myself on House Hunters, you know, medieval, whole times and I would just be like, I need a door. I need a door. And then I'd be watching and be like, oh my God, who's that guy? Needs a door. Fucking loser. We're looking for a house that does not have a thatched roof because our last three house is burned down. So we're really looking

for more of a closed concept roof situation. And Adam's like, okay, but like if someone's in this bedroom and then we're in that bedroom, but then they have to like get into this bedroom. We're asleep. It's like, Ku-ka! Kika! I know. Rachel, have some self-respect.

Also, you guys aren't going to have guests there all year round. There'll be, like, a little bit of time where there'll be some awkwardness in that you'll have to walk through each other's rooms to get to places, but, like, by and large, it's fine. And I can guarantee who the guests are. Adam's family. You know it's not her family.

Or not Adam. Andy. His name is Andy. But it's Andy. It's Andy's family. Not Rachel's family. I can guarantee They're staying in a hotel. They're like, no, honey, we don't want to, we don't want to bother you guys. Yeah. So Eleanor is just like, you're an old little man. So then there's the exposed wire scene, and he's like,

do you mind if I ask what's going on with those exposed wires? What do, blah, blah, blah. Oh, ah, we don't like to get it. But also, why did you grab an exposed wire? I know you were making a joke, but what if it were live? And then Rachel's like. Eleanor. Yes, there are quite a few exposed wires.

Why do we have an English accent right now? Does anybody know? So Eleanor goes, Well, I feel like Rachel was trying to picture herself living in the house. Well, Andy tends to joke a lot about things, which is great fun, but it's really difficult to establish whether he genuinely likes the property. Or if he does. He's a bit of a turd, isn't he?

Right? We all agree, right? This is France. So we don't really say, shit hit much, but it does come to mind. Chat de la Mird, is that how we say it? I don't want to remember. So now they check up a big bathroom.

It's check out a big bathroom. And it's got like kind of that early 90s bathroom tile, like really big kind of salmon colored tile and like that sunken bathtub from that time period. It's just very dated. And the toilet is right next to the bathtub. And Rachel's like, It's large, but the tub that's right next to the tub and the door. And Andy's like, yeah, you know, this is where I could just come in here and go,

bam, boom, rip it out, flip it. That wasn't part of the deal. I actually think, yeah, the bathroom was a little odd because it was, there was all that tiling and everything, but it was also a very huge bathroom, and it had a skylight, so it was natural light. So stylistically, maybe not the best, but I think actually it was pretty good. And yeah, the toilet placement was a little odd. But I don't think, I think it was only odd because the door was right there because I don't think it's so strange to have a toilet right next to a bathtub because I feel like there's so

many apartments in like New York City where that is like the reality of your bathtub and your toilet. But having the door, like you open the door and the toilet like right next to the door jam was kind of funny. Yeah, I think it's just because it was so big. and then you've got all the space and then those things shoved right next to each other. You do feel kind of like you're pooping on a ledge.

Yes, or you could poop in the toilet. It's one of those things where you come home drunk and you're like, should I just be in the bathtub? I'm going to pee in the bathtub. I'm going to. I think she probably knows some things about Andy's aim when it comes to toilets and she's already like, oh, we have to put up a little shield there.

Yeah. So then they talk about it. it. And he loves it. He loves the location. And she's like, yeah, but there's some quirks because I just want to move into someplace. I mean, I don't want to have to move a toilet. And he's like, yeah, well, Rachel needs to let me get in there and get

my hands dirty. Yeah. Stop getting hung up on these things. And just, and being like not just about how everything is like, not just so. And she's like, oh my God. I'm going to be stuck with this man for the rest of my life. So next you see them in an olive oil tasting. And he's one of those guys who doesn't know anything,

but every time he tastes it, he goes, Mm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, I taste it. I taste it. Yeah, I taste it. God, that is olive-y. God, it really does not know how to do this. We know he doesn't know how to do this because we hear Rachel say, if you want to take a spoon, take a spoon.

Like, she has to tell him to use a spoon to taste the olive oil. Like, that's what she deals with. And Linda says, the authentic charm they both want continues to require hefty compromises, as in, do these idiots really know that they're moving to the south of France right now? Maybe we should just leave them in Pittsburgh. Roll the footage of the smokestacks. Oh, wow, this is great olive oil.

What he didn't know is that is actual olives. This man is a fucking moron. Delayed Pittsburgh clip. Wow, we feel so honored I'm doing this. Wow, we here at Househunter's International feels so honored to watch this idiot taste olive oil for the first time in his life.

No, it doesn't belong in your car. You should pack that up. Rachel, you know, Rachel's growing on me as this episode goes, because she goes, I don't know if I would describe myself as a foodie because I'm so picky about what I eat, but I like to cook. It's like, thank you.

Thank you for not just being like, I'm a foodie. Because that's my least favorite thing that people do. They're like, wow, I'm at an olive oil tasting, so I'm going to call myself a foodie. I like that Rachel's like, no, I won't eat most things. So I'm not allowed to be a foodie, but I still like to eat. Well, I have to say, I did have a minor victory in that I finally, after seven years, got Andy to use a spoon for something. I can only watch him grab soup with his fingers so many times. I love eating the food

So it's a good partnership It's like yeah It really works So I mean she goes She goes I'm really excited to cook seasonally Which is not a concept in the U.S.

Yeah that's one of the things I was like do you even live in America What are you two talking about? Maybe in Pittsburgh I don't know Maybe it's like not a concept In whatever neighborhood She's like

People literally cook seasonally everywhere. America is season. What are you talking about? I know. You get watermelon for the 4th of July. You get, you know, your Thanksgiving meal is like turkey and fall flavors and pumpkin spices and all that shit. What are you talking about? She's probably just sick of Andy dragging her to Benegans every week for dinner. The only season we have in America is Marie Callenders. I know. The only season we have is Fridays, as in thank God it is. friends. Yeah.

So Andy's like, oh my God. Yeah. Because you know what France is known for? Really fresh. No, seasonal. Yeah. Seasonal things. That's what we're excited about.

Seasonal fresh things and doors. God, they've got lots of doors here. Have you guys ever heard of olive oil? Like, just tried it. It was amazing. I can't wait for this to take off across the world. Rachel and Andy are still discovering the French food scene and the lifestyle in general, as they transfer from Pittsburgh, L-O-L, to France's Vacluv region.

But Rachel's love of the country extends far beyond her stomach. Wow. Pittsburgh pollution. It will never get old to me. I'm sorry. So Rachel's like... My first intro to France was my grandfather because he told me about his wonderful time in France, the glorious pastures, the can-can dancers.

And then I'm like, ha-ha-ha-can-can. King can dancers. Oh my God. Awkward. GMI. I was being honest and vulnerable. Excuse me. I was,

but they wanted to know about my childhood memories. Yeah, but like the Kankangas, I mean, you literally said those KKKKKKLs. I mean, like, first we're talking about pastries

and then Kai girls. It's like, what? Like, you're from pastries? Like, Gai girls. He is terrible. So,

she's like, well, I didn't know that the ladies were half naked, so like nobody ever told me. me that part. I mean, so kind of like, thanks. And he's just like wiping sweat.

He's wiping sweat off his neck. He's like, but not just he, I guess what I'm trying to say is there's like a lot of comedy because you think you're talking about like, you know, like all these wonderful things, you know, and then like all of a sudden you're like, and also the women. Like, am I right? Like your grandpa. Like he clearly cheated on your grandma, right? I think you're taking this too far. Thanks for sexualizing

granddad. Jeez. So like you, he has like another family out here, right? Like, that's why we're moving on here. You want to be close to like your sister that you never knew you had. Like you're basically your entire family's built on lies, right, Rach. Well, they do not, they do not agree on some points, especially about the amount of work that needs to be done. Andy wants to do work.

However, Rachel just wants a view of half-naked women kicking their legs up on an air on brownish tile. So I'm taking them to the medieval parts of town, recently modernized, but for Andy, it's very, very quirky. Very, very. It's like, hold on one second. Hello, okay, hold on one. Hello, Chantal.

Yes, I finally found two suckers to look at that trash box on Main Street. Yeah. Yeah, we'll be there in a second. But love Main Street. Maison de Maine. Yeah, this is... I don't know what I'm saying. House number two in the ramparts, and then we get a little factoid.

The ramparts are considered the protective section of town, which is nice because I would pin Andy on the front line, for sure. live the first place they're going to bomb, okay? Does this place need any renovation? And Eleanor's like, no, it's actually been totally renovated, but it's still very, very quirky. Okay, all the staircases go sideways. Super quirky. Let's come on in, okay?

Now, welcome. Come look at this open plan living area. She's trying to make it sound like it's an open concept. It's just like a real. room with different types of furniture jumbled together inside. It's a room and she had to enter it like Stuart Little, you know? She looked like she's like crawling through a little hole in the wall. So she stands up finally.

Yeah, yeah. So she stands up finally and she's like, oh, what do you make of this character? And her character, it's a lot of furniture shoved together. It's like furniture that's too big for the room. It looks like when you have an extra room and you just put all the extra furniture in there, you know? It does. It's like they're trying. It's clearly there's enough space.

It's like a, it looks almost like this floor looks like a studio apartment or something where there's, there's room for like maybe a sofa and maybe a table, but they tried to really sell the fact that you can have different living spaces in this small area. And so it has just like jumbled. Yeah, it's a studio that they're trying to get more money for through staging. I think that you're absolutely correct. And so then she goes, what do you think of this? And she opens what's supposed to be.

via window. It's a dining room settee. Okay. It's like a Yeah. Or like it's a what would you call it like a buffet or something. It looks like a like a bureau or something like that or yeah like those one of the so it's like the thing is you open the door and it's like but it's a window and it's like a whimsical moment. You know, it's like quirk. Yeah. And Rachel goes, I worry about counterspace. Babe, she just showed you a fucking settee is an outdoor window. Fuck it. You should. You should not be focused on the kitchen right now. Okay. Go back to the window. Well, that's why the window is there, because by the way, there is no counter space. The, the kitchen is like, it's like, you know,

when you go to the mall and there's like a little kiosk, but there's somehow serving omelets out of it or something, like a little restaurant pop up and like, how do they have a, how do they cook this? It's like they barely can cook it because they've got a hot plate back there and that's it. And that's what this kitchen looks like. It's so small. The fridge is, looks like a little ice box. You know, this is what more in line of the kitchens I'm used to seeing on this show when they go to, like, France. Yeah, and Rachel's like, I don't know where I'd keep everything. And Adam goes, quirk has definitely slapped me in the face. Admittedly, Rachel doesn't like the kitchen, but you know what?

It's churn key. That's what she was helping for. And then this balcony is big and beautiful, by the way. This is very much. This is a killer balcony. The balcony is so good that, like, the balcony could almost sell it. Because the thing is there's not a lot of room inside for a dining room table, but there's like this big, beautiful outdoor dining room table.

And so it's so nice. It's so nice. Like, it's so nice you could poop. Literally, you can poop there because there's a toilet. They actually knew that you could poop there, so they designed a little bathroom space on the balcony. So she's like, I mean, it's a little weird that there's a bathroom out there. but like it's also kind of cool so I don't know

I can't wrap my head around whether it's good or bad yet I was like you're with Andy okay so we're not I'm not holding out hope that you're going to come up with a decision I'll agree with anytime soon yeah so then they go upstairs the second floor and there's like a bedroom there and he's like whoa this is full of charm

and then you know what's her face Eleanor is like yes this is a really romantic romantic room looked as a small chandelier which makes it so romantic and oh look an exposed bathroom there's no barrier so when you poop all the sounds and smells float into this super romantic

space and make it extra romantic for you. Oh, romance! They're like, I don't know about that all America, you have Pepe le Pue eh? Well, here you are. So she's like, yeah, well, my only concern is that whenever we have any guests,

stay over it, this is going to be a little weird. And I know that Rachel is just thinking, like in the last house she thought, oh my God, we're going to be in our bedroom and Adam's parents are going to be walking through. And now she's thinking, now we're going to be in our bedroom and Adam's parents are going to be coming in here to poop right next to us.

What the hell? Yeah, exactly. She'd be like Adam's weird brother Ethan is going to be here talking about his conspiracy theories about the Japanese stock market and then pooping next to me while I'm trying to sleep. Yeah.

So then they go look at another, wait, sorry. Yeah, there's another bedroom upstairs. There's a third floor. Okay. And he's like, yeah, I'm sorry. And he's like, I'm a very private pooper, okay, which I liked. At least that was one thing that I hadn't called. A poop for money.

For all his talk about doing DIY, where is his DIY sensibility of building a wall? Like, this is the most important DIY I think he could do out of all the things. And he doesn't even think about that. Truly, a guy doesn't even, like, think of a room divider, you know? I have no trust in this, Andy. So they go to the second, suppose, they call it the second bedroom. This is an attic. This is obviously an attic that has been converted into a quote-unquote bedroom.

One of the walls is like wood, it's like a wood, what do you call it when it's covered with wood? It's not real wood. it's uh when it's but it's like not a real wood or it's a yeah what do they come on laminate no anyway they have a wood wall and then the other one is stone and she goes oh my god i left it one's wood it one stone that is so pretty it's like it's an attic girl they didn't even finish it out i mean so the i mean as a bedroom it looked really nice because it looked big and everything but all i kept thinking about is this place is going to be freaking hot during the summers because you know there's no air conditioning.

And in that in attic, all that heat's going to rise up there. It's going to be like atrocious. Yeah. So Rachel's like, well, we love that it looks like an old village house and the kitchen is worrisome. And Adam goes, this is definitely giving us stuff to noodle on. I don't know, no, no, no. Eleanor's like, oh, stupid Pittsburgh Americans. So he's like, yeah, she's like,

You know, but the guests would have to walk through our bedroom just to use the bathroom. I'm like, no, they don't walk through your bedroom to use the bathroom. They go to the bathroom in your bedroom. It's all open. One big space. They poop right next to your head, okay? Let's not sugarcoat this. So then Linda's like, they're pooping on your head.

So Eleanor changes course again. Let's hope she takes these two straight to the meat grinder. And then I wrote, close up. some kind of a ham hot pocket because I thought we were back to house hunters, but it was actually a hot pocket commercial. It was disturbing. It was very, very disturbing. The hot pocket. I saw it. It looked like a little, I mean, that's not the hot pocket that I remember. It was just like a sad, flaccid thing. I mean, hot pockets are inherently sad, but this looked even sadder than a typical hot pocket. I thought it was. And I'm a hot pocket fan. Yeah, you're right that they've changed

because I was like, oh, my God, what is this French patisilla? I was like, what is this? It was a hot pocket commercial. I was so mortified. I also noticed at one point during this, they put up a little bug for The Last of Us. And I thought, this seems appropriate. Like, I don't know, like, somehow like the, like, bringing, like, ushering images of the apocalypse and some sort of fungal doom for him.

humanity and then we're watching and he and Rachel i was like this feels like this is a harbinger of that it's him he is the he is the doom you know he is the fungus um it is kind of funny that they put that up because when they said at the beginning when he's like oh my god there's so much going on in france and it just showed the empty streets like an abandoned town i actually shot thought of the show the last of us you know when they show parts of the country that are just completely abandoned And I was like, wow, nice town, guys. I haven't seen the last of us because I don't like scary things, but I hear it's amazing. It's good, yeah.

I mean, it's another zombie show, but they do it like, yeah. Instead of like straight up gross zombies with their faces falling off, they're like flower zombies because they're all like fungus. Yeah, that's what I heard. It's like artistic zombies. They're very pretty. That's what I heard. My friend Dario was like, oh, my God, I love this show because instead of heads, they have mushrooms. and it's cute. I was like, huh?

It'll sound scary. You know, they have my cabbage heads. It's cute. So anyway, now we have Rachel and Andy with some horses, and Andy has, Andy goes, you know, some people have said that we're complete opposites. Uh-huh. Yeah, sure.

Like, a complete foil to our personalities. Like, I bring you out of your shell and you rein me in. I'm in my shell for a reason because I'm protecting myself from you. And I need to stay in there. to survive the horrible choices I've made in my life that have led me to this situation

where I'm getting to move to my dream country with someone utterly terrible who wants to drag me back to Pittsburgh. Yeah, like he's really outgoing and I'm really relaxed, but that's why one of my biggest fears in moving to France is we're kind of switching roles

because in Pittsburgh, he's more the assertive one and like he handles everything, but then here I have to take the lead because he doesn't speak French. And I don't know if that's something I'm comfortable with. I don't know how to explain to people that were what a bus saw is and why we're using it constantly. I don't want to have to do that.

Please don't make me explain to people what he's doing. I'm like, are we watching the dissolution of this relationship live on the show right now? Like, she started going down into her inner thoughts right there. And she's also one of those people who does sing-songy lists, like, you know, it's a little bit more, it's more like the assertive one. And, like, he's the one who kind of handles everything. And, like, I'm going to have to speak all the French and, you know, like, do all the translation. And I just, I don't know, like, I'm not sure. I want to live with my name.

Linda's like, like Rachel, most homes here are insanity behind a quaint facade. Rachel is also getting used to all the surprises that so many French antique homes seem to hide behind their quaint facades. Like misery. Oh, well, they ask for a really old property with stone walls, and they seem to have conflicting views on what they like. Rachel, no standards, apparently, because look who she dates. But she does one turnkey, and Andy wants three bedrooms. So I'm bringing you to a neighborhood that dates back to the Knights Templar. Yeah, by the way, I also really enjoyed when Eleanor said,

You know, I mean, they asked to see an old property with lots of character in stone walls, but they're going to be a bit hickledy-pickledy. Other question is higgledy-pickledy on any of your list, because I'm afraid I can only show you higgledy-pickety properties. I can't wait to eat that in the proper season? Well, you know, like, there's a lot of hickledy, and there's a lot of piquity. So Andy's like, whoa, night step, why, that's really cool. So she's like, well, this is a small village with about 500 people and it's house number three.

And Rachel's like, 500, that's not very many. Are you sure there couldn't be more people? Because that's not very many people. Please don't leave me alone in a town with the Sandian 500 people. I need to be in a town with there's just like so much going on because like, you know, me with my sort of outgoing personality, I just need to be around so many people. I mean, I just need to thrive off that energy of people and things to do. Can't you tell? So she's like, this is the main square here.

There are three restaurants and their little grocery store. And Adam's like, I mean, my question is, what are we supposed to do here all day potentially? What's that? I don't know. I don't know, maybe thinking about a career that you could do that would be stable. get a job? I don't know. Like maybe a job would be really good.

So this one. By the way, they have to drive five minutes away towards anything that's fun. It says that like the closest area with activity is as a five minute drive away. I'm like, oh, heaven forbid.

That just seems like a full deal breaker. It's 18 to the home goods. Come on. I'm complaining. So, yeah, this one is. further away, five minutes, ooh, and it's 260,000, but it's pink, eh, which is, you know, hot, and it has three bedrooms, three baths, and has been recently renovated.

And unlike the first, well, unless the second, the second house was also allegedly recently renovated, but still like cray cray, this one is fully modern and like, you know, clean and, you know, livable, you know, you know, in a sense of a, in a sense of non-medieval homes. I mean, yes, it's like a little sterile. It sort of looks like an IKEA showroom, but at the same time, that's what, you know, that's what you're supposed to bring the character to it. See, I don't think it does at all. I mean, I can see why they're saying that

because compared to everything else. You know, Americans see like a crumbling, the crumbling stone wall and like a ceiling that's about to cave in. And they're like, oh, my God, it's so charming. But I think this is, beautiful. I mean, the walls are, it's not like just some crappy, like, you know, it's still like stone walls and stone floor and like, no, this was like the house to get, by the way, please don't think I was, I was nagging it. I'm just sort of saying of like compared to other

ones. It was just sort of like white walls, white floor. No, and I see why they were saying that, you know, because they're like, I mean, it's just so sterile. They were thinking it looks like American modern, but it doesn't look like American modern. It looks like what you strive, those other ones were striving to be this one, you know? Yes. This is this is like European chic. It was so nice. I'm like, you guys, I know you guys want character, but the thing is you've got the character on the outside. I'm like this, it was so nice. Like this was like to me, without a doubt, the one to get. In fact, I think what was funny is that when they chose this house, because this is the only one that was above budget. All the first two were 250, which was their, that was their exact budget. This one's

260. So I think when they chose it, the producers were thinking, oh, we're going to get them an amazing house, and then their issue is going to be, can we spring for $10,000 more dollars? But instead, these two idiots are more like, oh, no, it has no character. It's bland. Yeah, I just wrote, it's still talking about the money. Yeah. Yeah, this is supposed to be the best house. Yeah, it's like got a new kitchen. It's got tile stairs. I mean, this place is so nice. And so they'd like it, but I guess it's just foreign stuff. And they go to the bedroom and the real estate's like, and look, there's an antique, because there's one piece of furniture in there that's an antique. And Rachel's like,

yeah, but like, this is it. This is like the only kind of charm in this place. It's like, Rachel, shut up. You know, I was liking you for a second, but you have zero taste. You don't deserve a good home. I know. You know what the charm is? Room for your table. That's where your charm is. You know what's charming about it that you can eat? You know what's charming about it?

You have a counter to make your charming food, your charming food on. That's the charm. You don't have to listen to Adam poop. Okay? Well, you're trying to relax. There's your charm. And then, by the way, I feel like the house gets better and better as it goes along. So then they go upstairs.

Then there's like a, there's like a third bedroom that's really big. And then there's like a, like an office. kind of area. It's like a living office space that's like very modern looking. It looks great. And then there's a bedroom upstairs. It's more like a loft bedroom. And Adam's like, oh my God, this is really cute. I could really sleep well up here. And then they have a terrace on the top floor. And Adam costs sexy. Yeah, it is very nice. And the real estate lady is like, listen, this is a lot of property for your money, you know. And Adam's like, I just worry, you know, like we walk through that village, where's the culture?

Where is the karaoke place? Yeah, he goes, he goes, where's the culture of France? What part of a 500-person medieval town with brick roads, like brick roads that are wide enough that you can touch buildings on both sides of it with your hands? What do you mean? Where's the culture? It is so remote French. Yes.

And one county supermarket. where everybody literally has to go and meet each other, you know? I mean, come on, dude. Eleanor just looks at him and goes, okay, you fucking idiot, go back to your smoke stacks. Yes. So now they have to talk over which one they want, right? So the little activity they choose to do this is skipping stones. Okay.

So they're skipping stones on like a little river. And Andy goes, do you want to skip stones? I mean, it feels very USA to skip stones. And she goes, yeah, but we're not in the USA. And he's like, let's do it anyway. Yeah, so there's skipping stones. They don't think that people anywhere with water over the, over history have skipped stones. Skipping stones is an American thing, really?

Well, in France, they skip croissants. I don't know if you do that. No, frankly, never skip a croissant. That's why I want to move there. You are correct. Never. So Linda's like, if they just skip her race. So Linda's like, from the moment they got together, surprisingly, against all odds, according to their friends,

Andy had a feeling that Rachel's love of France would eventually upend their life in Pittsburgh. Roll the footage. I asked her when I first met her, like if France was like someone she dates occasionally, or is this like going to compete for my love and attention? and you definitely said, is it probably the latter? Well, I think my exact words were France is where I want to go to escape from you and never see you again. But I don't know, who you are. And now that they're here, they're realizing they're not quite prepared for the curveballs that come with an old French house or a really stupid American man. Or a loveless relationship.

So now they start debating house. So house number one. I love the location and like the kitchen is wonderful, but I don't know. It's like not quite turnkey. House two, quirky medieval house. The bathroom had no wall. And house three. I mean, it's an actually beautiful house with like in a beautiful town with everything we could possibly ever need.

So let's cross that. Yeah. I was like, what the hell is wrong with that? you got. I love that song, though, that plays while they're trying to decide. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. Um, so he's like, yeah, that was too far. No karaoke. I'm not doing it. I'm going to poop by your head for the next three years. Yeah, he's like, yeah, that house felt like nothing was going on there. Meanwhile, there is a collective sigh of relief from the 500 people who are watching this couple walk through their town with

the cameras. I know the Knights of the Templar are in heaven just like, thank you, Jesus. I know the night the Templar came in and saved them. And Rachel goes, it was a little too quiet for her taste. I'm like, excuse me, can, are you the one who's going to say it's too quiet for your chase? Just a little too quiet. We really need something more happening. So.

I need something that reflects my wild party girl persona. Yeah. So now it's between the other two and they're like, okay, do we want to poop by head? But then the other one, that's a tiny kitchen. And Andy's like, yeah, that tiny kitchen won't work for a... I mean, for me, it's house number one, obviously, right? Yeah, at this point, it's house number one. If house number three is out of contention, it's got to be house number one.

So he's like, well, it makes me wonder, do we wait on flipping those bathrooms in the minimalist house? Like, we could live in the space and then flip them later. It's not what flipping means. I hate this guy. Also, like... Well, first of all, I started to get... very nervous they were going to choose house number two, which was like truly the worst of the options. But she, yeah, he has, he says this thing as if it's like this wonderful, like this idea that

he just came up with, which is essentially, how about we go with house number one and we can just like live in it and save up money and do like a proper renovation? It's like, oh, wow, what are crazy concepts. Wow, is that a U.S. thing? Not rushing into it. Yeah. Yeah. So they choose house number one. And then we see them getting gelato. And she's like, yeah, we did it. We love living in France because we're meeting neighbors and we go to the market. And he comes in the front door of their apartment. He's like, rage, look what I found at the Brucault?

He walks in. By the way, so they've actually set up their place. It's really cute. They've got a couch in there. They kind of have a Southwest theme, which is kind of funny because they moved to France. But it still looks very cute. And he comes in like a sitcom with this oversized. glass vaws, like a huge thing.

Get the size of a child. He's like, Rach, look what I found. How cool is this? And he puts down on the couch. The smallest house ever. And he puts it on the couch. Get that off the couch. What are you doing?

Why are you getting chunky, unnecessary decorations for this place? You don't have enough room for this thing. Why? Yeah, we really don't leave feeling comfortable for this couple. You know, like, normally you feel happy for a couple at the end of these. This one, I was like, girl, run. And she goes, I made a lavender lemonade. I was like, really? Does it have cyanide in there? Because that's the only way this is ending happily.

I know. And then they sit on their allegedly small balcony and drink the lemonade together and look at the people walking by. And that brings us to the end of another dwell. Hello. Thank you, everybody, for being with us here on Wondry Plus. These are super fun for us to do. Go check out, watch what croppins for, you know, a million other recaps a week, okay? We sure love you guys and we'll talk to you next time. Bye, everyone.