Watch What Crappens - Dwell Hello #304: Love in Action in Puerto Vallarta

Episode Date: February 22, 2023

A lady moves to Puerto Vallarta with her dog Lia (aka Love in Action). She wants to pay about $4 for her new spot. Hmmm... wonder if it'll have everything she needs?? This House Hunters International episode is listed on Youtube TV as S184 E4 - "Love In Action In Puerto Vallarta"Find bonus episodes at patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens and follow us on Instagram @watchwhatcrappens @ronniekaram @benmandelker Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Well, hello and welcome to Dwell Hello. I'm Ronnie, and that's Ben over there. Hi, Ben. Hi, how are you? Good, everybody. Welcome. This is Ronnie and Ben from Watch What Crappins. This is our House Hunters and House Hunters International podcast.

Dwell, hello! Today's episode is from House Hunters International, Season 181, Episode 4. It's called Love and Action in Puerto Vallard. and we watch this on YouTube TV. Now, if you have trouble finding this, because as usual, they're labeled differently on every streaming service,

I would just go to Google and search Love and Action in Puerto Vallarta, where to watch. And you'll see a bunch of places listed where you can find it. Okay? Yeah, this was, you know, I'd love a Bip-Dibbop, just traveling, just moving to a place, sight unseen, and then, like, angry at the place

that she moved to. too. Yeah, this is one of those episodes where you wonder, what are you running from? You know? Yeah. So one of those people, she's a real odd duck. She's got this dog that she's obsessed with. She's like a dog obsessed person. And she describes her relationship with her dog as when she met her dog. You know, it's like there's just something odd about the chick. She's really pretty. She's aging, but very pretty. And I'm like, are you on the run? what's happening with you? What happened to you is what I kind of wanted it? She's kind of a blanche from Golden Girls, like, makes sexy jokes, and kind of hot blonde wanting to live on the beach.

But there's just something criminal. I'll say it. There's something criminal about her. I want to know what she's done. Well, her name is Milan, Devi, Lebray. And I feel like just the name alone sort of tells you everything you need to know about her. Milan, Debbie, Lebray. Devi-lebray.

I mean, first of all, do we think that's her real name? No. The name that she's created for herself? Yes. No white girl is named. Milan, Devi, Lebray. She's just like, this is not a thing. It's like a romance novelist.

It's like she said, I'm going to become a romance novelist. And this will be my pseudonym. I've actually decided I just want to make it my nym. This is who I am, Milan, Debbie Lebray. Well, she's Milan, right? because she likes Milan and she travels a lot. Okay. So then how is Debbie spelled?

D-E-V-I and then it's dash L-E-C-L-E-C-R-E-Y. Okay, so Debbie is the Sanskrit word for goddess. Okay, so there you go. And then what's her last? Her last... Le Bray, L-E-R-E-Y. So it'd be like, in French, it's like the Bray, whatever B-R-E-Y is. Huh.

It's Louisiana had the highest population of L-B-R-E-E-Y-Y is. Lebray families in 1880. Lebray Kelekehe is somebody on Instagram with 20,000 followers. Lebray on Apple Music, I mean, I don't know. I don't know where that one comes from. But the first two names, Milan Goddess.

So, yeah, she's full of shit. I mean, she was a waitress. She clearly was like a waitress in Nebraska, and she would always say, you know, one of these days, I'm just going to get out of here. I mean, her name was Suzanne. She's like, like, oh, There goes Suzanne again, talking about how she's going to travel the world. I'm going to do it, guys.

I'm going to travel the world. And then she changes her name to Milan, Devi Lebray, gets out of Omaha, and travels the world. I feel like she was running from something or somebody. Like maybe she stole money to go live her dream to go travel. Like maybe she stole money from Mel at the diner and went on the run. And then they were coming after her. And finally, she's in her 60s and she's probably in Milan, you know. and Mel shows up with some goons to, like, kill her for stealing his money so she can go on the run,

and she ends up outsmarting Mel and killing him, because now she's brave enough to come on TV. So you know that whatever she was running from, she is now taken care of. So I'm kind of already proud for her, but all the stress of that crime has made her cuckoo bird and then, you know, become one of those people who takes her dog, like literally everywhere, and talk about, you know, do you like the view from here dog so she's broken but she's safe now i'm confused though why if she like if she screwed out this guy she screwed over this guy got the money she's set for life but she still wants to create some sort of online educational platform for people because like that's what her job is she's like i don't think i never said she's set from life i think she stole from mel at the diner you

know, Mel's the guy who runs the diner. So she stole, like, whatever cash is in the register. And Mel has just, you know, been chasing her for all these. It wasn't enough to get, you know, get her set for life. It was like a bus ticket, you know, maybe a Southwest ticket somewhere. I am going to look her up on Instagram right now. Milan, Devi, because she has to, at least for her dog, right? Milan, Debbie, oh, come on.

Big thumbs getting. Lebray. Lebray. I see Milan Devi LeBre Okay Well she's definitely here Because I see this blonde crazy Crazy face

And the blonde lady with the little white dog I'm having a hard time finding her I don't see her on Instagram though Let me see Laudevre She's on IMDB Let's check out her IMDB Let's check out her IMDB.

Okay, I'll visit. Milan Debbie Lebray, so she's an actor, I guess. She has been in Space Sweepers 3 in 2021. Wow. She has been in Peninsula, which she played a TV show host. She was in something called Gracious Revenge as the Landlord in 2019. She's done four small roles and things. I love that she was on something called Peninsula.

Like, she's like, guys, I just landed a big role. It's a movie based on a geographical formation. It's about people who think they're on an island, but they're on a peninsula. They could get out this entire time. Now, this is somebody who's written their own IMDB, and you've got to respect the game here. Okay. Other works, spoken word album, back to the basics, transformational wisdom. Oh.

And then it has the ASIN number. And then it says, did you know, under her Did You Know section, it has quotes. Without basic human values guiding us, we become morally bankrupt. Without love is our purpose,

we become empty. Without understanding both of these, we become lost by Dr. Milan LeBray. So now she's a doctor? She's a doctor. So now you're a doctor? You know what? I misspelled her name,

because her name is Labre, not Libre. Okay, Dr. Milan Labre. See, now we're checking Instagram the second time. There she is. Okay, I found her. She looks completely different in her Instagram. She's the founder of Kidiogo, co-founder of Kidio Tech. She's an actress, she's an author,

she's an international keynote speaker. She's a world traveler and a pet mom. There you go. And she saws that little dog. Also, that's not her face on the Instagram. I don't know who she thinks she's... I don't know who that is on the Instagram. It's just someone else entirely.

Actually, honestly, her Instagram is pretty okay. So I think this is actually a listener suggested episode that we're doing. So thank you, listeners. And I guess it's actually recent because her first picture is her sitting with her dog for the interview in this episode. Oh, yeah, you're right. And the comments are like from three weeks ago, two weeks ago. Someone said, great episodes. And then someone else said, are you dating Danielle, which is her realtor?

And she just says, no, period. Which really could afford me, doctor. Wow. Well, Dr. Milan Devi Labre lighting up Instagram with her work on Peninsula. Wait, now I've got to see what Peninsula is about. Hold on. I'm just going to click. I just want to see what the description is.

Oh, it looks very. A zombie virus has in the last four years spread to all South Korea. Korea, four Koreans in Hong Kong sail through the blockade to Incheon for $20 million on a truck. Wow. There you go. So just for those of you

who can't see her, she's like a blonde bomb show with big giant red lips and a pink outfit and a little tiny white dog who she dresses in crazy little cute outfits and stuff. So the first line of the episode is Canine Cantina today's serve doggy tequila.

And I just wrote, oh Jesus fucking Christ. I know. She's sort of like the HGTV version of Christine Quinn, right? Like, this is the House Hunter's version. This is as close as you can get to Christine. This is Christine Quinn in 30 years, yes, 40 years. Yeah, for sure. So Linda is not, Linda does not approve of this one whatsoever, because she's like, time zone troubles while running her quote unquote online business have Milan, she wanted me say, Dr. Milan, but I refuse, and her pup, Leah, moving from South Korea to Puerto Vallada, Mexico.

And then we see Milan in her pink bright suit and her red lips and a little dog in her lap. And she's like, a lot of clients I work with are in the Americas. But I also need to learn to appreciate myself. So that's why I'm moving. And then Linda comes hard right out the top. She goes, unfortunately, she had designer expectations and knock off budget. And also knock off taste. Look at her.

Trash bags. What are you a doctor in? Marshals. So then Milan asked her realtor, Where have you brought me? I see chickens! Which, you know, of course this lady is offering $5 a month in rent. You're going to see chickens, doctor.

Yeah. Okay. And they also show like a sad phone booth. It's like a phone booth. And phone booths are kind of inherently sad, or it's like a pay phone. And then it's also slumped over. It's like a crooked public phone. Landa's just like, see, look at where she wants to live.

Sad phone booth neighborhood. So Milan is doing her dog voice. She's like, oh, my God, little dog. Look where we are. Look at her dog. This dog wants to just run the hell away. She does not put the dog down ever. She does not.

She probably puts like 10 pound weighted clothes on this dog, so it can't run. This dog is never looking at her. This dog wants to run. There's no love coming from this dog towards her. No, definitely not. So Milan tells us, I developed an online educational streaming platform.

It's called Netflix. You may have heard of it. Kind of took the world by storm. Anyway, it lets me live wherever I want to. So Leah and I have lived around the world for 11.5 years. And it's always been Leah and I against the world. I was like, oh, wait, wait. So you're projecting some sort of like persecution complex onto this poor dog?

This poor damn dog. Me and Leah against the world. I'm telling you, she's run away from something. I want to know what it is. So then Linda's like, but as Milan's online community grew, so did the stress. I was like, I need to know what this online community is because I don't believe in it. It's all the fans of Peninsula, all those peninsula heads. Were you in Peninsula?

Were you the television presenter on Peninsula? So this is where she tells us, I have to work with people in the Americas. And I love beaches because the water is particularly calming to me. So I'd like to live near the beach. You know, anywhere I could have a boat in case I need to jump in there quickly in case Mel finds out that I stole from the register.

Preferably a beach that's pet-friendly. And with all the research I did, Perda Viata worked really well. So I hope this is a place I can live on a beach for a reasonable price. Lady, you know, this lady went to South Korea looking for bargains. Like, this is the type of lady we're talking about here. We're in South Korea looking for beach bargains? I was looking for a nice beachside condo in South Korea,

and it turns that I couldn't quite find one. So here I am in Preda Vaira, and I just hope this place is where I can live on the beach, which I want to live on because I want to live on a beach, especially a beach with water. If I can have a beach that has ocean water attached to it, that would be great. And at a reasonable price, so I could have a work-life beach balance. You know, that's really what I'm looking for, beach balance work, and water. Water with the beach. Yeah, it's important.

But it's important to me. So her realtor, Danielle, is like, hey, what's the name of this dog, by the way? And she was, love in action. And he just laughs. And she's, Leah, for short. I know you think that's cute, but you're saying love in action. Like, that's not good. That's very bad.

That's like my love life. Love in action. Is that supposed to be a compliment to the dog? It's the most depressing dog name I've ever heard in my life. What are the odds that Leah is all over her educational streaming platform? You know, that like whenever something pops up like, have a question. It's like Leah. It's like love and action. This is learning in action. You know, she's filled the entire site with this dog. You know, she's like her own little operator that pops up

on the bottom of the website. You know how whenever you're on a website like that? And it's like, any questions? And it's like a little operator head, but it's this little blonde head with big, giant red lips. It's like, hey, I'm having trouble with this algebra question. Go ahead. So X equals nine, right? Beachwater. is very important to me. God damn it. So, Daniel says that he's like,

no, my concern is that Milan has never been to Puerto Vallarta and she knows nothing, which means my work is going to double or triple because, again, let me just reemphasize,

she knows nothing. She didn't even realize we were in Mexico. She thought we were in Orange County, California. And she's like, okay, Danielle, now listen,

I want to be really close to the beach and I want to be by everything, but not in everything. So that makes sense? He's like, no, not really. And what about the number of bedrooms? She goes, well, I want two bedrooms because I need an office, online community. Okay. Also, I love baking. So a kitchen is a must. Girl, you're going to get a kitchen. Yeah. What the hell do you think you're, she really have lived all over the place. Here's what I want. Okay, I want two bedrooms. I want to be by the beach, maybe even in the beach. I want a house that's surrounded by waves. I actually want to be floating away back to South Korea, okay? And I want to have a really big kitchen, and I want to be

the best part of the city slash ocean, okay? And also, I'm willing to pay $45 a month. I think that's reasonable, right? I was thinking I could pay in toenail clippings. that I would just keep in a little bag, okay, and give it to the landlord every butt. Yeah, she wants a place for 750, a two-bedroom on the beach for $750, okay? Yeah. And Danielle's like, ah, you know, the rental market's really exploded. So, I don't know if she's going to feel comfortable in a rustic, traditional neighborhood, which we all know. Anybody who spent a lot of time in vacation towns knows what that means, you know, not great. So Milan is like, so where have you brought me? I see chickens.

And he goes, but it's adjacent to the romantic section. By the way, the romantic zone is some of the best branding I've ever heard for a city. Like that the hottest place, the hottest part of the city is called the romantic zone. Like, that's just great. What is that? And he explains the romantic zone to us. He's like, the romantic zone has restaurants. I was like, oh, okay, do the masturbators just not eat in this town?

The fuck, Daniel. Yeah, so, yeah, he's like, he's like, yeah, I don't know if she's going to feel comfortable in a really rustic, traditional neighborhood. So they're at the base of the mountain, and they're adjacent to the romantic zone. And Milan's like, hmm, I mean, I love that we're at the base of the mountain, which would be great if base of mountains was part of what I was looking for. But unfortunately, I think you may have gotten base of mountain confused with ocean, which is, I understand. Listen, I was in a movie called Peninsula, so I get it. I understand land, maybe more than other people. Do you have maybe base of a mountain is an ocean? That would be great, because that's what I'm looking for. Now, Leah does have some outdoor space, and I'm like,

okay, this is the kind of person who pretends they care about their dog because it gives them a personality. You don't care about your dog. The outdoor space is on a second floor balcony with, like, rickety-ass wood. that they're just going to, that dog's going to fall over the second it sees that chicken walking around downstairs. I know. Because she's like, oh, wow, look at Leah. She is all in the chicken smells. She just loves the chicken smells, which, by the way, Daniel reminds me. I do have one issue.

This neighborhood does smell like chicken. And I don't mean cooked chicken. It smells like living chicken. So he's like, well, but you know, there is that. outdoor space and she's like you had me at outdoor space but nine hundred dollars that's a lot so they go in and it's very bright yellow you know which is kind of traditional Mexican style and um she's like wow guess what I see yellow god this is a yellow oh wow wow and he's like yes it is hey so let's look at the first bedroom which conveniently is right here in the foyer so

look, it has no door. It's not really a bedroom. It's just a space that has a mattress in it. It's a warrior with a mattress. She goes, um, she's like, huh, huh. I feel like I want to, I feel like I want to make a snarky comment, but I also feel like I might be culturally inappropriate if I, if I say something. So I'm just going to go, huh. Yeah. And he goes, she goes, it's a weird place for a bedroom. And he goes, well, that could be a guest bedroom. And she goes, yeah, as long as the guests don't mind the front door in their room, that would be something. This is dirty furniture, right? Is this furniture dirty, or is it just the yellow walls that's making it look dirty? It's like, nope, it's dirty. And that's what's good about yellow walls.

And she's like, okay, well, it is a lot of yellow. And he goes, hi, this is Mexico. So, I don't know if you've seen any pamphlets, but we like bright colors here. She goes, ha. She's like, I'm pretty sure we're in Germany. I mean, I know I've never been to put a variety before, but I'm pretty sure I said Germany, right? That's where this is, no? So, by the way, she's, like, upset about this. I mean, the bedroom in the foyer is bad. I would never like that.

It does not have a door. Like, it's not a room. It's just like a nook. But she literally wants the second bedroom for an office, so it actually is totally fine for her needs. It's an office. Yeah, you walk in and there's your little office area or whatever. And the other thing is sometimes these episodes, are difficult because these people really don't want to spend any money at all. I mean, $750,

like, you're just wasting my time. Like, I have to watch 30 minutes of just horrible shitholes, like bottom of the barrel shitholes. You know what I mean? Well, it's, it's funny because there's sort of an underlying current of, hey, I live in a, in a developed country, but I want to get, But I live, I just sort of have an, I live in a small apartment. But I hear if I go to a poor country, I get to live like a queen. And they keep coming to these countries. And they're like, no, no, you stupid privileged person. That's not how it works.

We have an economy here too. Yeah, yeah. And she tells us, she goes, this is definitely a very authentic Mexican neighborhood. I'm like, yeah, because you're in Mexico. I think they're all authentically Mexicans. And I like that, but I don't love the fact that we're far from the beach. If it was closer to the beach,

we could get our toes in the water at the beach because, you know, that's where I want to live. I do love the space. I mean, a bedroom with a front door in it. I mean, it's, you know, it's tempting. And it is massive, which is tempting for someone who works remotely. And then Daniel's like, but let's go to the other bedroom

because here is where the magic happens. There's a nice size bed for the two of you. And she goes, and guests. And he goes, oh, then three of you getting warmer, Daniel. The four of you, warmer. The five of us. Fiesta, signor. Bucket, Dano. I'm in.

So I was like, okay. Now, I know the first half of this house is a little less than what you were hoping to find, you know, what with that mattress in the foyer and all the yellow and no beach and, et cetera. But I think the second half is going to be a home run. So they go into the kitchen, which is nice. It's a big kitchen. Lots of yellow and everything. And she's like, oh, my God, I like the sink. It's very authentic in here. This is a really authentic. This feels like I'm actually in Mexico, you know? Is this made out of beans? Is this sink just made out of really roasted beans because I'm getting authentic Mexico.

Is this a, is this just an upside down sombrero? Is that what this sink is? Because this feels so authentic. We're not Mexico, are we? Is this a refrigerator or a giant Maraca that opens? This is authentic stuff happening here. This is authentic. This is A plus 100% grade A, Mexico right in here. And then, you know, most of us are like renters or have been at some point. And it's like a typical stove, right? A stove with an oven. It's like the cheapest one that you can get as a renter, right? And she goes, oh, I love this. Look at this. And she opens it. And it's small. It's like you put a half sheet in there. You know what I mean? It's not giant. And she goes, wow, you could fit a person in there.

Not that I would Don't worry Leah I don't know why that cracked me up I've never seen someone more excited For a normal size cheap as oven Yeah So then they go into this other room It's got laundry machines and like some random chairs

And they're like not like nice chairs Just like bridge chairs And he goes So this is your multi-purpose room Which I love Realtor Spin I'm like this is the laundry room That was too big to be a laundry room rooms. They put some chairs in it. Yeah, and he is flirting with her, right? They seem to have like

this flirty energy because he goes, this is the laundry room, the massage parlor. Oh, here's the patio. Overall, what's your sense? Do you want to massage me right now? There's a massage partner there. She goes, hashtag love the kitchen. Oh, that's trending today. Hashtag love the kitchen. Hashtag love the kitchen. Hashtag bullying works. Hashtag I love this space. I mean, I could- hashtag bomb.com. Hashtag authentic Mexican space. I could absolutely see having guests, maybe not you, but like other people. And like I could work from home here. It's just, you know, it's like a little bit above

what I was thinking. And I would love to see if there's anything more in my price range, maybe at the beach, because I love the beach and I need the beach. Yeah. And he's like, well, if you want, we can look at, one bedroom, you know, because maybe we could find something in your price range for that. She goes, as long as I have space and Leah is happy, right, Leah? I mean, right now, and from Leah's point of view, that's a tiny dog. It's like you brought her to fucking Jurassic Park. You know, Leah's just looking at this, like, she's going to have to run away from gigantic chickens.

I know. Anywhere else, Leo, would be happy. So now we come back and they're on, well, they're on a boat. Now Milan and Lea, and Milan's like, I think there's going to be a difference between soul version of Milan, which was an incredibly famous actress living abroad, also getting her doctorate and actressing. And then the Prada Viator version of me, which is someone who really understands an authentic Mexican town and a mountain. The soul version was hot and glam. It was like, oh, really?

The soul version was stressed out and working literally seven days a week. But now this move is a fresh start for us. So now I can move to Prada Viarda and work seven days a week because I'm working remotely. So it doesn't matter where I live. It's going to be the same life, work-life balance. And this is her like, look at me, having fun with love of my life, Leah, love in action, kayaking in the ocean. I'm like, please leave this dog alone. Please, just leave your dog alone.

Okay? Your dog does not want this. And she's like, I just hope to regain sanity, something I lost, you know. Leah's the love of my life. She's all love, hence her name. So I met Leah back in Korea. I went to a pet store, and next thing you know, my credit card's coming out. And I was like, how is this happening?

I don't know. I don't know how it happened, I swear. I have these fleeting memories of me running down the streets of Seoul with Leah in my arms and a guy in a Petco uniform chasing. after me saying, hey lady, you didn't pay for that. You just took out your credit card, but you didn't actually pay anything. And I just laughed and laughed and off into the sunset we ran. And they just, I made such a splash. They put pictures of my face up everywhere. I was on the news to be famous in Korea. Yeah. And she is showing us all these pictures of her exciting life with Leah. And it's just Leah.

It's like Leah in front of the Eiffel Tower. Leah in front of the great pyramids. Leah sitting on Mickey Mouse's head or whatever. And I was like, this is so sad. And I think it's because I see like kind of my life, what my life could be. And by the way, I happen to watch this Valentine's because we're recording this the day after Valentine's. And I mean, my God, Valentine's Day, just any single person is like, fuck you internet. Because the whole internet is like, look, it's Ben and Dom.

It's like Ben's picture of him and Dom being happy. And then Dom's picture of him and Ben being happy. And everybody is just, but you have to do it, you know, and I get it. But it's like everyone in a couple. If we don't do it, then people get worried. Yes. They're like, what happened to you guys? So it's everybody in their happy couples.

And then you just see some lonely gay guys like kissing their dog. And I was like, and guess he was about to post it. And I just happened to go like take a pee break. You know, I got off the couch for like 10 minutes. And I was, you know, scrolling as one does as they pee. And I was like, oh, my God, every older gay guy who's dying a lot. is on Instagram kissing their dog. I refuse to do it.

I will not do it. And then I watched this episode. And I was like, you know what? Fuck this lady and her dog. I hope the kayak turns over. There. No, she would never be betrayed by the ocean because she loves Mommy Ocean. Okay?

She loves Mommy Ocean. So, yeah, she does take a lot of these photos of Leah. And she, by the way, I feel like we really can't emphasize enough how many outfits she puts Leah into, like little dresses, little pink things, little green things. She's like very, very involved with Leah's outfits and making sure they match hers. Also have to say, think she makes them. I think she makes these outfits because none of them make any goddamn sense. The colors don't make sense. The shapes don't make sense. She looks like she's wearing little napkin rings around at one point. Not really sure what she's doing with this dog. They're very authentic dresses.

to where she is from. So we have to honor the locations and the origins of Leah's frocks. Leah's from France and South Korea. You know, they're from everywhere, so who knows. So the real estate guy, Daniel, is like, so Leah travels with you, and she's like, oh, yes, she even has her own little passport.

Yeah, and then Tanner goes, oh, my God. Really? And he tells us, Milan is an open spirit. You know, she's not afraid to open her bags and her dog and go to the facts that she's never. Oh, and go. And the fact that she's never been here adds more dynamics. She needs to learn more of the dynamics because she doesn't really understand dynamics.

I'm going to say dynamics a few times and hope that she thinks, hmm, maybe I should look into dynamics. Yeah. So then Linda says, So far, Milan's learned the space she wants Won't fit into her $750 price point, but there is a trash can hobble into and call home. So far, Milan is learning that she's going to need a roommate.

He's probably going to be made out of very dirty green fur And pop out of trash can saying rude things to pass her spy. Good luck. Good luck with your doctorates. stupid. Based on Milan's budget, Daniel has gotten her a tarp. She's going to wrap herself right up in that and call it home. So Milan's like, well, people told me I could stretch my money here,

but I'm learning that my expectations are a little unreal. I'm going to need to temper that like I would chocolate, because I love to bake. Can't wait to see what next kitchen is waiting for me. Well, guess what? Milan, here is your new neighborhood Also at the base of the mountain Still doesn't sound like a beach to me Unless this is a mountain of ocean

Is that possible? Can ocean be 3D like that? And it's also on the border of the romantic zone again She's like, oh my God, how are you? Leah, get over here for a kiss Get over here! So it's eight blocks from the beach and she's like, I love the neighborhood, but a 15-minute walk, I mean, look, if I want to break from working online, it's not a real quick trip. That's 15 minutes. Yeah, I just, it doesn't really

lend to an impromptu trip to the beach. I'm like, so what, so you're just planning on in the middle of work running out to the beach for five minutes, then coming back in? Is that what her plan is? She thinks she's going to, she thinks that tutoring online, she's going to have a mansion on the beach is what she thinks. She thinks she's going to walk out the door and be on the beach. You're not. You're not. Yeah. Yeah.

No, she has this all wrong. And by the way, 10 minute walk to the beach is amazing. That's really good. A 10 minute walk to the beach? It's really good. Listen, if I ever had an HG TV show, it would just be called no. And it would just be me going. with people and going, no.

But I want to live on the beach for $500 a month. And then it would just cut to me going, no. Get a beach. Get a bike. We saw you kayaking with Leah. If you can kayak, you can bike. If you can kayak, you can bike. You know, get a bike.

Ooh, yeah. Get a bike. Get a bike. Okay. So we get the house number two. And it's one bedroom, one bathroom. It's on the first floor. It has a quote unquote long walks to the beach.

But it has a big pool. And Milan's like, stop it. You're going to play with my emotions. There's a pool in here. They've invented pools in Mexico. I did not know that. This is a very authentic Mexican pool that we're about to see, isn't it? This is so authentic.

So then they go look at the actual apartment, and it's got that old stone look to it, you know. Which I'd like, personally. Yeah, I think it's really pretty. And she's like, oh, my God, Adorbs, me likey. hashtag adorable to me likey I'm like okay and then they walk in

there's like a kitchen the kitchen's smaller but it's still relatively it's relatively cute it's not as big as the last one but like again those stone walls I think are really nice and there's a

there's like an oven and she's like um Tanyelle I see bread in your future some authentic white lady bread hashtag get your wiener out and then They go look at the bathroom, and the bathroom's not great.

And she's like, well, it's functional, but it doesn't really match the apartment. The rest of the apartment, I see bread and stone. And this is just not, this isn't it? And Daniel says, it's old world. She's just, yeah. I don't like that. Hashtag I don't like that. Yeah.

And so then they go out. There's like a Garden View terrace, and she's worried that the terrace is really close to a walkway. And then the bedroom is large, and she's like, you know, I love those, I love the wall. It's a great wall. Authentic wall. It feels like it's a real wall. But I'm not thrilled that I could, like, perform in front of the wind. I could basically be naked, Danielle, and you could walk by while I'm naked and I might not even

see you. And you could be standing out that window and you could be looking at me while my breasts are bare to world the light is catching my ariola's just so. and you could see it all. And he's like, this is not Amsterdam, ma'am. She's like, tell me about it, been there, done that, don't need ping pongs back in my life. You're coming over for bed later, right, Wiener Man.

Oh, yes. Authentic Wiener Man. So she's like, well, I really like this. I like the bedroom. I'm obsessed with that stove. Oh, my God. Have you ever seen a stove like that? I mean, four burners, hello.

And the pool is fantastic. But I am concerned about the same. size and the privacy. I just feel like I'm just very much on display. So he's like, to be honest, her wish is vague. Like she wanted a two-bedroom and now she's okay with a one-bedroom, but it's not on the beach, so what do you do? It's like, Daniel, you know, you know, Daniel, you know what she wants. She wants a mask on the beach. Get it for her. She's not being vague. Okay, you're not finding it, Daniel. So they walk the town together and look at the little, you know, street shops and stuff. And he's like, so now that you're in Porto-Vayarta, how does it compare to Seoul?

and she's like, well, I've certainly never been proposed to you this quickly anywhere else. It's like, oh, wait, yes, yes, I'll marry you, you moose-knuckle dream catcher. Get over here. I mean, how is it compared to Seoul? Well, let's see. There's not as many adoring fans chasing me everywhere, so that's one thing. That's why I care about privacy. You know, when you've really just, like, taken an entire country by storm with your work on Peninsula, thank you.

It's a great movie. It's hard. It's hard to be just Milan. So I can really, I can be myself here. Yeah, it's nice not to be in the industry at the moment. You know? It's nice just to be able to concentrate on a chiro without flash bulbs going off all around me.

You know, I can, I can practice my sides while in public again. That's nice feeling. So she's like, you know, I think I'm adventurous, but I don't like change. I used to have a boss who moves staplers on my desk around, and it made me nuts. So I hit him in the head with one of those staplers, and while he was knocked out,

I opened safe with one of the staples, you know, oddly enough, and just ran like hell. And so that led me to being a film star in Seoul. So what were you saying, Moose Neckle? Get over here. I want to sit on my lap. Let me sit on your lap. Okay.

You know, I can be terribly impatient. You know, it's like, it's like you should just see me in the back of an Uber. It's like, oh my God, they're catching us. Hurry up. This traffic will not do. Do you not see those sirens behind us? Please hit it. I can be very impatient, you know.

Yeah, it's hard. Yeah. It's hard, especially traveling with the pet. You know, traveling with a pet and a bag of money that you've stolen from the guy who runs the diner is, it's difficult. But traveling provided me more aware. and understanding. When you break bread with new people, you really understand that there's a world beyond you and where you grew up. Is it cheaper? Sure. Are there more stone walls? Yes. Are you expected to perform sexual shows in front of your window for a discount on rent?

Yes, but you know what? That's what brings us together as a world. Yeah, I mean, there really is a world beyond you and where you grew up. And allegedly that world has a beach. I mean, I wouldn't know, though, because I haven't quite seen one yet in this crazy city. But apparently it's around. I don't know. I guess maybe we'll see it someday. Hey, I wonder what Linda's thinking. We haven't heard from her in a while. Linda pipes up and she goes, Milan needs to grow the fuck up. That's all I'll say about this idiot. Milan, I mean, Linda just hates her. She hates her. Because Milan goes, like Milan says it really opens up your eyes that there's a world beyond you. And Linda literally

goes, Milan needs to open her eyes to the fact that her tiny budget simply isn't going to mesh with her expectations. I was like, this is the most outwardly hostile Linda has ever been. No. So Daniel's like, well, at this point, she obviously wants to be close to

the beach, but this is the closest, but there's a lack of privacy. You know, this is a real fine, though. And she goes, this area is very city. I want that code. That coded language. It's very city.

Like, you can't say authenticity without sort of saying city, so I get it. But it's very city. Is there a neighborhood where the people look more like flour tortillas? Okay. You know what I'm trying to say here? And I just like when she says it looks very city And he goes, yep, because we are, we're a city We're in a city

That's where we are, you know This is the 5th of December neighborhood Oh, okay, so you know that Valentine's Day is February 14th, right? Yep, it has nothing to do with the romantic zone Just so you know, okay, just want to sit that out So this is the May December neighborhood It's like, no, please out, get your hat off of my mom

Okay, okay. He's like, okay, since you won't shut up about living on the beach, I'm going to show you a shitty-ass place, and you'll shut up about this already. Okay? Are you ready? And also, there's a lot of pet-friendly businesses. So that doesn't, listen, I have a dog and fish now, and I love my pets. I don't really want to live around a bunch of pet stores. You know what I mean?

Like, that doesn't sound fun to me. So Milan is talking about how having the beach is. close. I mean, having it close is appealing. However, I don't want to be in all the action. And from what I'm seeing is, I'm in the action here. I just want to be around and not in it. Yeah. So they go into this apartment and it's got vaulted ceilings, which she likes. And they go to the balcony and we see the street and she's like, it's a little loud. I mean, I guess what I'm trying to say is, like, I understand that this is a beach city. and it's a city known for its beaches, and people come primarily for the beaches.

But is there a part of the beach city where it's not city on the beach? Is that possible? She goes, that's a little loud, and he says, well, let me show you the kitchen. She goes, yeah, let's get out of this noise. Okay, we get it. You know, you think it's loud. So it's modern. They've read done this kitchen, and it's, you know, I mean, it's like, quote-unquote, modern.

It's like when you're 22 years old, that's like sort of where you, you know. When you're like, let's put floor trial on the wall. Like, yeah. Just did something there. She goes, hey, you know, I love the vaulted ceilings, but I have never seen an invisible stove before. Oh, never before, Daniel. He goes, oh, that's sarcastic.

That's good. I love you. She goes, well, I don't hate the kitchen, but I hate that there's no oven. And when I say hate, I'm going to emphasize that bit. I don't like that, Daniel. I don't like it. Yeah, good luck to all her students who are on the receiving end of that coldness right there.

Okay, so we'll start this lesson again from the top. And if you can't follow along, I'm probably going to have to kick you out of the program. Emphasis on kick you out of the program. Me, me, me, no, like that, me, be, be. And so she's like, I'm super bummed. For someone who enjoys baking and creating, that's a, Real let down. Daniel did not crush the stove. Okay. Leave Daniel alone here.

So they look at the bathroom. It's a dump. But she for whatever reason likes the bathroom. And this one has some roof space. Yeah. I don't remember the roof space, but I wrote, oh yeah, I said cool roof space. Yeah. Now that I'm remembering it, as I'm saying it, this is, it has like a lot of, that sort of like orange tile. What do you call it again? I don't know. Terracotta.

I don't know. Like Saltio Tio? I don't know. But she's like, I don't know. This feels fairly public, though. I'm like, listen, lady. You think people want to see you in their view? I know.

Well, it's like this balcony, but there's all these buildings surrounding it, and they're above the balcony. So everybody's, like, looking down on her little outdoor space, which is kind of awkward, but it is city too, you know. and she's like, well, Leah has space out here, but everyone can see her. You don't want that, Leah? Yeah, do you want everyone to see him?

No, Leo doesn't like that. Oh, man, look at Leah. I think at this point, Leah's like, get me a bed and let me sleep. She's like, I can't choose. I can't even. I just choose woman. And Leo's like, actually, that's the first time you really accurately understood me. Yeah.

So they go eat at a restaurant to talk, and she's like, Porto Vallarda is about balance. I can enjoy life. I can do some adventures. I can have lots of fun with Leah. Unfortunately, Milan is a delusional poor person, which is even worse than normal poor people because it's poor people who expect things.

Good luck, Milan. So house number one has a kitchen to die for, but it's expensive. And then house number two has a great pool. and a good kitchen, but it's very close to the beach, but not quite close enough to the beach. And then house number three is noisy, has no oven, has no privacy, is in a loud and dingy part of the city, is cramped, generally terrible, haunted. They did say a ghost moved in recently.

It's actually inauthentic. It's the one inauthentic part of the city. but it is a five-minute walk as opposed to a 10-minute walk to the ocean. Yeah. So they go over all of these places and at one point he's like, well, that place has the best kitchen.

She goes, but chickens. And it's far. But chickens. And so then house number one, Amelia is eliminated, even though it has the best kitchen, which is arguably the thing that she will use the most since she loves to bake.

and then she's like, well, you know, it's just too far from the beach. And, you know, the house number three is just so much noise. And there's no oven, but it does really lend to being spontaneous. Like, you know, if we have to walk 10 minutes of the beach, you have to pack water, you have to get your passport, you have to put on special shoes, you have to alert the authorities. I don't know. That's a lot for me. She's like, so let's do the beach one.

The really noisy one with the balcony I hate and the place I can't do my hobbies. That's what I'd like. And he's like, are you okay with not making for a while? She's like, you come on ever. We'll do plenty of cooking. Big boy. It's like, he's like, so the one that's three blocks over the one that's like four blocks away. Yeah, you got it.

You got it. That's who can't go that. Can't go farther than that. Give up a, I'll give up an oven. She's going to give up an oven. She's going to give up an oven. That way she has a five-minute shorter walk to the beach. Yeah.

I'm not sure she made the right choice here. So she's like, well, it's a good size so I can entertain. And there's a balcony for Leah to be free range while I'm not home. Don't leave Leah on that balcony while you're not home. Well, who let this woman have a dog? That dog would be barking. we've all had the neighbor who leaves the dog on the balcony when they're not home. And that dog gets out there and then they bark all day long because they're miserable.

But, you know, she's into it. And she's like, fortunately, it's such a strong community. And I just feel so connected and happy to be delving into my next phase, which is as a pretend doctor. I'm going to be opening up a pretend clinic on the pretend beach. she might pretend medical license. So if you have any sort of pretend illnesses, I can treat you. And that brings us to the end. Wow.

What a coo. I can't believe it. I cannot believe she chose that. That was by far the worst one. I know it was under budget, but I thought house number two for sure was the best one to choose. It was cute. It had charm. It had the pool.

It had a decent, like it had a workable kitchen. It was close to the beach. Yeah. Well, she did it. So here's what I say to you. Good luck to you, Dr. Milan-Labre. Okay? Yeah.

Dr. Goddess. Well, everybody, thank you so much for being here. We'll be back in another couple of weeks with another episode. Love you guys. Bye, everyone. Bye.