Watch What Crappens - Dwell Hello #305: 140 LIzards in Austin

Episode Date: March 9, 2023

This week on Dwell Hello we are traveling to Texas for House Hunters Season 205, Episode 10 on Youtube TV: "140 Lizards in Austin." Will a couple prioritize modern fixtures or... lizards? Take a guess how it works out.Find bonus episodes at patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens and follow us on Instagram @watchwhatcrappens @ronniekaram @benmandelker Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hang on. Well, hello, and welcome to Dwell Hello. It's Ben and Ronnie from Watcher Crappins, and we're here with our HouseHunters recap show that's exclusive to Wondry Plus. How are you doing, Ronnie? So good. Hello, Wondry Plus. I just feel so luxurious even being here. I know.

I feel like this is just like one big open concept of an episode. Today, we are recapping House Hunters. This is not international. House Hunter's Domestic. House Hunters, the episode. is called Lizards in Austin and it's season 205 episode 10

where that's at least how it's listed on YouTube TV. It might be listed slightly differently if you use the Discovery Plus app but if you use lizards in Austin as your search term you will surely find it and could there be anything more appetizing for a name of a show than Lizards

in Austin? So this is one of those couples where the husband's like a big galute and the wife is like real super eye-roly and stuff. She's like a blonde eye-rolly lady. And the guy's a dumb-dum. And he mentions his parents a lot. And he is very low way of talking, just stringing together his words, like a very lazy voice.

Yeah. But he's a vet. But he's not just a vet. He is a exotic pet. So this is for like pets who strip. It's like pet pole energy is scratching post. injuries. Yeah.

Pets that work at the Bada Bing or whatever were. What was the place that Erica Jane? What was the Bada Bings? Or something. Yeah. Something like Titties. Tittes. So something super simple.

Super simple, easy floats right off the, it's like boobs. Yeah, boobs. It's lizards. Lizards who work in a strip club. So the episode opens up with Linda, the narrator saying, With their wedding right around the corner, Brandon and Lydia are going under the gun to find a home in Austin, Texas, for themselves and just a few of Brandon's pets.

Do you need to say under the gun just because it's Texas? Like, come on, you know? Give us a break. It's hard enough over here, lady. We don't need your judgment, Linda. I was hoping that there'd be some better wordplay than Under the Gun. like maybe like a lizard wordplay, like something like Brandon and Lydia are, are, uh, are scaly. Are feeling skittish like a lizard because they got lizards because they're lizard people.

Brendan and Lydia sure are thirsty for a new heat lamp to gather around in Austin, Texas, where they could possibly shoot each other because Texas has guns. Still important to advance my gun agenda about Austin. Brandon and Lydia are bouncing off the walls like lizards do. Because they're moving to Austin because they want to brandish guns. Oh, good. So Brian's like, I have about 140 lizards. And Lydia's like, I hate it. It's gross.

And it's terrifying. I mean, Lydia, choose your fucking mate, dude. Like, have some self, you know, some responsibility here. How long were they dating before he revealed his enormous lizard compound? That's what I want to know. Immediately, you think this guy shuts up about his fucking lizards ever? No. Could you imagine if he just really just had the literal, he was in the lizard closet?

And then one day she like, she opens the door and she finds it's like a horror movie. She's like, oh my God, there's lizards everywhere. Yeah, listen, I wasn't planning on falling in love with you, but I think I am. Oh my God. This is so. romantic. I just have one thing to share with you. Look under the covers. Linda goes, she's more focused on something fancy and turnkey that also doesn't involve lizards. Did I mention that he has 140 lizards? But with him, pushing for a fixer, can they find a home for

their new life together with lizards? I mean, I love house hunters because it always kind of points at the couple. She's focused on something fancy and turnkey. You're marrying the wrong person. You're literally marrying a fixer, okay? I don't know what more of a warning you need than some of the pictures they show. One of the lizards that they show is like, well, let us. You know that thing where it looks like its eyes are permanently closed or skin, it's like got skin eyes and then it's got all of these bugs running around its head, running around on its head.

I mean, Lydia, run, girl. Lizard City. She is more focused on something fancy and turnkey, but forgot that she's married to a guy with 140 lizards. Oh, well, stupid face. Dumb, dumb. She's going to move to Dumb Dumb City, but I accidentally went to Austin instead.

Well, we're in Christianburg, Virginia. Let's see if Lydia can climb off of her cross. So Lydia's like, I'm doing the seating charge for the wedding. And Brandon's like, where will my lizard sit? So he explains. Do you mind if the officiant as a lizard? Is that too weird? Do you mind if it's the lady from V?

I really want Rowe to do. do these, uh, do our vows. So, okay. So he's like, I'm an exotic

veterinarian and she's like, I'm an athletic trainer. And we've been together for five years, engaged for three. And we finally are getting married next month. So we're super excited. He says,

we're currently living in Christiansburg, Virginia, uh, where we have a nice house with a very small kitchen table that we tower over when we see. They're both like, this table is this like a child's table? Because they are both like hulking over it.

bent over just to get their elbows onto it. I'm like, why are you at, why are you at mini tables right now? Yeah, why are you going to have, you know, it's like the hobbit? Yeah, it's like the hot, they're like, we're looking for a new mushroom to move into. It's like, now I understand you have 140 lizards, but not everything has to be scaled down to them. Okay. So he's like, yeah, we're looking for a place down in Austin, Texas, because I got a new position. as an exotic veterinarian.

And that's the part where I said, yes, Austin, because that's where I live. And, you know, Austin, keep it weird, baby. Get an exotic vet. Yes, get it on, Austin. Yeah, and by the way, I think we all can agree that by the time this episode is over,

you will have bought a lizard for your house, right? Like, you're going to have a pet lizard by the end of this episode, right? No, you know, I had my foray into the snake. I had a snake when I was younger, a five-inch boa named... In your car or something? Ball Python, not boa,

a ball python named four. Felicia. Right. And I'm still traumatized by her death, and I don't think I'll ever get another reptile. She was very loving. But I think I, you know, I just can't replace Felicia. You know, no, no one could. And I have to say, these lizards are hilarious because I actually think lizards are very funny.

I don't want one as a pet. But seeing this giant lizard city, it's kind of funny because they're just like all walking around and just like zapping flies like they're Yoshi and Super Mario. It's kind of cool. They really are. And they're so, it really does remind me at the dinosaurs from Jurassic Park, how they're kind of cute, some of them, like how they jump. They are. They're just jumping all around and then they like kind of perk up and smile.

And they're all like neurotic New Yorkers. They're all like, do you get the news today? Do you hear the news? I don't want to hear the news? Okay, I'm going to go, okay, see you later. Hi, how are you? You get the news today? Yeah, I have the news.

Yeah, terrible. Terrible what happened. Okay, bye, see you later. They all do. They're all around. They're all around. They're all around. They're all around the new frankles.

So Brandon's like, yeah. Well, so Lydia goes, There's another issue. I'm hungry. And he's like, you're hungry? She's, hangary. I'm hungry. I'm hungry.

Yeah. So he's like, I would describe Lydia as like a female version of me. She's like definitely an alpha and like A type. Like she has a lot of sass. And when she gets really mad, she can really wreak the wrath. The fuck are you talking? What is wreaking the wrath? She's like, when she gets mad, she stinks.

Nothing made sense. It's stink. She's an alpha A type, not to be confused with an alpha type A, but she's an A type. I had to choose from different categories of her. I chose the A type of her. And she's just like me, a lot of sass. Look at all my sass. I'm like, where'd that come from?

And she goes, I'm very transparent. So if I'm mad at him, I make it obvious. So I'm pretty much always angry at him. So yeah, that's how it is. He's like, yeah, it's always known to like everyone around us. She's, well, who's taking care of the lizards while we're going. He's like, Mom will come. And this is the first mention of his parents, but it never ends after this.

He's like, my love of my animals really came from my dad. Because, like, he'd bring home all these different exotics as a kid. And Lydia's rolling her eyes at this story, by the way. She's like, oh, my God, gross. Stupid dad, stupid exotics. All the terrible. Well, as we throughout this episode, we learn about all the terrible influences this father had on this guy because he's like, yeah, my dad would bring him all these exotics.

led to a niche of reptiles and now I have about 140 lizards and any of them are in this like my bedroom and then like the rest have overflowed into the garage and you know this poor mom who's coming over to feed the lizards while they're gone she was like well you know when your dad your dad is no longer with us but at least I don't have to deal with the lizards yeah well mom bad news can take care of my lizards now and Lydia is like yeah it's really gross because I'm such a girly girl and sometimes the lizards will escape and they're like escape convex and like I don't like Escape convicts in my home

I get that that actually like as someone I think I've mentioned this before as someone who grew up with hamsters when those hamsters get out it's like full on Alcatraz locked out it's like prison break you know like the search lights come on

everything in the household has to stop the flashlights are out it's like a disaster so I can't and a hamster is like cute and cuddly and so you find you're like oh good I saved you but like a lizard like a big blue lizard or something that's I can't I don't one roving around my house. Yeah.

So most of the lizards are cute, but yeah, that one with the skin eyes and bugs crawling over its face. I can not with that. It looks like that one looks like it's, you know, on death row or something. They're like, now you have to talk to the ultimate boss lizard. It's like, I know. Bugs just speeding all over his face. It's like warped from Super Mary Brothers too.

It's like there's too much. I guess everything's really taking me back to Super Mary Brothers today. But, like, no, I don't want, lizards are cute when they're contained. I don't need any scary lizards just, like, roving down my hallway. Yeah, and Lizzie is doing this thing where she's like, okay, I may be marrying a lizard person, but I am drawing the line about having lizards in the house. Look at me. I'm the boss.

I'm like, that's not the boss. Now you have lizards in a fucking garage. Weirdo. Don't marry a person who's into lizards. Yeah. Lydia. So she's like, so Brandon's like, well, they need to have a place to say. So whether it's a workshop or just some building that gets built,

I'm like, you're going to build a building for these lizards. Okay. So it says his requirement. On the bottom it has like little things where it says him, a building for lizards. That's his first requirement. And Lydia would prefer a two-story craftsman

because she loves a mixture of siding and stone. I guarantee you Lydia doesn't know what a craftsman is. What do you think? I don't even know if she knows what stone is. She's like, I love this stone. It's like, that's velvet. So she's like, she's like, I'd like some really dry skin as well. So like, oh, that's lizard skin.

So also, this is a weird thing that I feel like we get on these shows where Brandon goes, I grew up in a Cape Cod style and I don't like stairs. I like the ranch layout. Like, I feel like on house hunters so many times, people are like, I grew up in a house with a leaky faucet, so I really want a leaky faucet. so I really want a leaky faucet in this new house. Like, you don't have to, you can try new things in your houses. Yeah, I don't get these people.

Like, I grew up in a house where my mom was obsessed with, like, plaster texture on walls. And so the walls were painted with a broom. They were, no, they were textured with the brooms. They were, like, vertical lines coming down. And then they were painted salmon pink. And guess where I'm never going to fucking live. And a broom textured wall does paint his. salmon pink. Like, let it go, Brandon, okay? He's not going to be able to live away from his mother

because he had his father's hobby and he wants to be in a house just like where he grew up, you know? Like, you're, dude, cut the strings. This guy's not going to stay in Austin. He's going to be back in Christianburg in about two months. Tiny tables. So, so Lydia's like, well, I want a second story for privacy mainly from the lizards because I feel like they're looking at me when I'm naked. And I will compromise the second story if the main bedroom is on the, opposite side of the house slash my husband. Yeah, pretty much. So she's like, yeah.

And I mean, I want that really boozy main bedroom and bathroom for sure. Okay? I want to walk in there and feel like it's a five-star hotel. Yeah, and she says she wants four. They want four bedrooms. We're just right off the bat. They're just like, we want to have a large family right away. And I'm kind of like, you know, you can work your way up to the four bedrooms.

I just want to break it to you. You don't, like, you got a bunch of. budget right now, why don't we just start with just like lizard, lizard shack, maybe lizard structure in the backyard, home office, main bedroom. I don't think we need to have like five other bedrooms for lizards to get lost in. I agree with you. I feel like it's rehab, right? It's like the Sandra Bullock movie 28 days. Like you start with the lizards, okay? If you can make it a ear and all the lizards live. Start with, yeah, start with the lizards. Start, let's see it. Let's how much of a wedge the lizards draw, like, create in your marriage?

And let's see if we can get through the lizard year, and then we're going to see if we can get to baby number one first, okay, before we start buying the rooms. Right. And of course, she wants a five-star hotel bathroom and a four-bedroom home in Austin, and she's willing to spend $450. Wow. You guys are idiots. Well, and then she goes, I love when she goes, I'm all about the glitz and the glam,

but I don't want to spend the money. I'm like, well, then you're, you're going to get the pipe cleaners in the cotton balls. Like, what do you think? That's what you're going to fucking get, lady, okay? Be prepared to live. Be prepared to have a house that looks like the outside of a cracker barrel. Like, what do you want? What do you think you're just going to get like a toto toilet just donated?

Yeah, like your toilet is not just going to squirt your butt clean for 450 grand. Okay, you're going to have to come up. What is, so we, so this, you live in the greater Austin area. How, how ridiculous is her, is her budget of 450? And his budget's 500. Well, this is episode 140. So I'm guessing this is like 90,000 years ago. I can't tell when this takes place.

But am I right in saying it's episode 140? I don't know. No, no, no. It's episode 205. It's just that the name is 140, it's 140 lizards in Austin. Oh, oh, oh, so two oh, so season 205. When do you think this was? Because there's a time, there was a, it just had a boom, like before I came, I mean,

right after I came here, I got lucky, you know. But I, Austin's been really expensive because they have a lot of tech here. So it became like the L.A., like a bunch of L.A. people moved out of California. And all the prices are really, really high now. So they're looking kind of outside of Austin. None of these homes are like in Austin, you know. I live outside of Austin, too, by the way. I live in, like, the affordable area.

I think this aired in September 2021. Yeah, so this is right when everything was changing. So anyway, so there, you know, he's like, well, I'm with you on the kitchen. If we can find one, she's just, yeah, I want a bright white kitchen, like about four seasons. And he's like, well, I wanted a half acre lot. Guess why, everybody? I know you've only known me for about five minutes, but it's because I grew up on a half acre. I know.

So he needs to have the exact same amount of land. And I love what he goes, he goes, I grew up on a half acre. Lydia grew up on 16 acres. And then it cuts to her and she just turns from looking at him and just smiles at us like, yeah, sure did. Sure did grow up on 16 acres. Yeah, I'm a 16 acre girl. And look at you now. You're welcome.

You're welcome. You're welcome. So Brandon is one of these who is open to sweat equity because guess why, guys, this is shocking. but growing up his dad did construction. Just exorcising all of his daddy issues on this show, projecting them onto this new house. So it's like, yeah, I want to see everything we can build in a house. You know, I look at a house and I see what projects I can do.

And she's like, no, I cannot stand fixer uppers, the show or the actual properties. I want to walk through the door, kick off my shoes, turn the TV on, and it's not going to be fucking Joanna, okay? or chip. She's really big on the kicking off her shoes and living in the house. Like that's, she's just going to walk in and those shoes just go flying and she's going to save. Lydia literally hates shoes and Blankwals.

She wants to kick off her shoes and get that TV on right away. Yeah, she is an athletic trainer. She's been active all day. You know, Brandon, for being as much of a fixer upper as he is, how about he fixed up his table? Because then we see them again Just like on this tiny table Two giants

You know And they're not giants of people But at the table makes them look like They're like the BFGs And he's like She's like We have so much on our plate We gotta find a house

We have to move in We have to get married We have to figure out Who we can sell all your lizards to Oh did I mention that part? Yeah that's gonna happen So when we leave Texas I expect to leave signing papers

Okay Sure So then we get like because it's Texas. So it's like, d'n-la-la-d-d-l-la-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-d- And we're in Round Rock, Texas, which I guess you can find some affordable stuff there. It's kind of far north, right?

So the narrow-rita is just like, well, with just a few places in town, the first place they're seeing is in Round Rock, Texas, and it's a ranch, because as we've learned, Brandon has daddy issues, and his dad likes ranch dressing. Let's go see what's happening.

His favorite Christmas song was rocking round the Christmas tree, which is why they're in round rock. His dad was addicted to crack cocaine, which is why they're in a city with the name rock in it. The dad once drove by a house, which is why they're looking at houses. So house number one is 350,000, three bedrooms, two bath. It's one level. Looks like a dump. Looks like it's literally like the backdrop for nuclear testing. Like those fake houses that they put up to see if they're going to fall over when they drop an A bomb.

Yes. It does look like a serial killer house in a movie, like where they find the serial killer hiding out. And Brandon's like, it's perfect. I love it. And Lydia's like, yeah, well, it's what you're looking for. I want a two storyhouse. Yeah, and he goes, uh, anything for the lizards? And Lydia's like, well, it has this big building over here.

Thanks for prioritizing lizards first before we even get into the damn shack. He's like, oh my God, I'm so excited for the lizard building. So this place is built in 1986. And Brandon's like, oh my God, I love this. There's two, two car garages. There's plenty of rooms. She's like, we could get four cars. He's like, or 177 lizards.

time. We can double the lizard capacity, and soon, Austin will be run by lizards. So now we meet their agent Tofer Rogers, and he's like, one of the tough parts about Lidie and Brandon is finding a place that meets all of their needs. I mean, like, when someone's like moving ready, who cares about the lizards, and then someone's like, oh, lizards first, but let's move in second, like, that's a completely different mindset. Also, can't believe I'm literally talking about lizards right now with their needs. He's like, it's a really difficult lizard market right now. We're averaging like 11 or 12 houses per buyer, okay? It's not going to be an easy task.

So they go on a tour of the house, and I like that Tofer does have the Texas style where he just does not give a fuck. He shows up in like his underwear and a T-shirt. And he's just like, all right, there's a living room, guys. You like that, right? Okay. All right. If you want it, call me later.

I don't really give a fuck. All right. Yeah. Yeah, so I know you guys were asking for an open concept living room. So here's a closed concept living room that was built before time. I hope you guys love gross stained carpet, stained stone, a terrible 80s fan with muck all over it, and a dirty popcorn ceiling. Okay, wow, this one's gross. You guys are going to love it here.

Now, you want to the white kitchen. Well, guess what? You're in luck, because here is a brown kitchen. I like the Lydia goes, okay, it doesn't really have the open concept we were going for. And Brandon goes, yeah, it's kind of boxed in. Like your lizards, okay? Think about the lizards. Brandon.

Think about the lizards. Yeah. So karma. Yeah. Karma chameleon, which is sort of like a lizard. So, yeah, the kitchen's got that kind of like brown granite. kind of table. The thing that was, I feel like it was big in the 90s, maybe, maybe even the old 2000s. That was like all the rage. Yeah. And so Brandon's like, well, we could take a wall down

and you could move a counter here, babe or something. And she's like, yeah, it doesn't really scream Lydia. It screams, help me. Which is funny because that's sort of what people say about you, you know, when I tell them I'm almost going to get married to you. They just say, really, that one? And this guy is so the stereotype of every guy who walks in. into a house. Hey, we can knock out a wall. Look there. That's a support beam.

That is a support beam. Like, they're all support beam experts all of a sudden. He's going to, like, commission all of his lizards to do the construction. They're all, like, have a little lizard construction hats and vests. So he's like, babe, I told you, we can build the house and do what we want. She goes, yeah, I don't want you to build me something. I want it to be built already, okay? I'd rather buy it, move in, kick my shoes off.

Be done with that and turn on the TV. Okay. How many times you have to describe this to you? I want to move in and kick my, I can't kick my shoes off in a house that's old, okay? Because when I do that, I'm going to get a splinter. Okay, it needs to be a new house that can receive a shoe flying through the air. There has to be a TV.

Here's one thing I know about Lydia after 10 minutes of watching this show. Lydia has corns. And she's got a Netflix account. That's all I really know at this point about Lydia. There was some article in New York. times last week about this guy who hasn't worn, like he goes barefoot. He's been going barefoot for like 20 years or something. And he like has only worn shoes like three times for very formal events. And no matter where he goes, he just goes barefoot. And he carries around little tweezers.

And like if there's an issue with a restaurant, he has like light sandals that he might wear. Or if they're a polite company or something like that. And I was just like, I was like, I hate you. Why, though? What's his deal? I don't know. I just hated it. It was just like, there was something that happened. There was some incident. I don't remember if there was like an accident.

There's some reason why he had to take off his shoes. He just never put the back on again. Oh my God. He had like shoe trauma and now he's going to stick with that lifestyle. Somehow just like made me annoyed. Well, people pick weird things to be their personalities. Like I'm going to not, I'm going to be the not shoes guy. I have a cousin.

and growing up, he always wore shorts. I mean, dead of winter, this kid would show up at school in his shorts. And everyone's like, oh, my God, you're wearing shorts? He's like, yeah, I don't fit a thing. And so that became his thing. He was like the shorts guy. And still, to this day, he's in his 50s. And the guy will still wear shorts everywhere.

And that's just his thing. And if ever you ask anybody about this cousin, they're going to say, that's the guy who wore shorts in high school. What a crazy motherfucker that guy was. That's like Ryan from Real House House of Orange County, right? Oh no, his was like a being shirt. Yeah, his was not wearing a shirt. People are so beleaguered by these things.

They're like, like, I can't do it. I have to have my feet free. It's like, okay, relax. Yeah, it's me, this is me. So now they go look at the main bedroom and, oh God, I hated this trend in 80s homes, where you have the master bedroom and then the sink in the bedroom, but then it's kind of recessed and then on one side you have a closet

and the other side you have the shitter. Come on. I didn't even know that was a trend but like I believe it. And Lydia is like not impressed because remember she wants to have a glitz and glam master bedroom that's just like the four seasons

and this is anything but it's just like a room that has this this sink nook in it and she's like I'm not sure what this is. Why is this like this? She was pointing at the sink because the sink is the shape of like a seashell

She's like why is it like that? It's not even the fact that the sink is in the room She's like, I don't like that top of the sink He's like, oh, we can always change the countertop She's like, good. Yeah, really, that's get the sink out of your bedroom. It's so fucking weird. Yeah, she's like, because Tofor goes, well,

because this was built in 86 and in 86, they had shell sinks. She's like, I don't like it. Yeah, I like this. She goes, why is it like this? He goes, because it's from the 80s, you fucking moron. you're spending $5. You're going to get a seashells, like, deal with it. It's the least of the problems in this place.

The faucet, they show close-up of it, and the faucet literally looks like a camera drone. That looks like the little wings of the drone. Just take a look, you'll see. This house is hideous. I would be mortified if somebody took me. Like, is this a foreclosure? Is this like a house you're buying at auction? It looks like one of those houses.

This is fucking terrible. And Brandon's like, well, the house needs work, but hey, guess what? I got sweat equity. No. You're dealing with animals. You're dealing with animals. You're not dealing with buildings. Yeah.

He's like, wow, this is a no-brainer to me. Yeah, you have to have no brain to live in there. That's why. Yeah. So, Tofer, now they go look at guest room number one. And he's like, kids could live here. Yeah, sure. And then there's like a laundry space.

and Lydia's like, is this a bedroom? And then Tufour goes, this is the bonus room. It could be a fourth bedroom. And I have to say, Ronnie, I am like getting really sick of this concept of a bonus room. I feel like you're trying to, they're trying to put a nice spin on like an architectural over like, afterthought. Like they're like, oh, well, we have, we just have some space here. So you have to deal with it. It's a strange space where there's not a space to do anything useful with it.

So just call it a bonus room. Well, isn't this one the one that's like behind the garage and the the laundry room? I think the bonus. I don't know really where it was. It's like this is the ugly person. It just was like this is the ugly. This is the ugly sibling room, you know, just keep them in the back. It was near the laundry space.

No company has to see them. Yeah. So then they go to the backyard and it's a big backyard, I guess. And it's not nice backyard. Just like the half acre that Brandon grew up on. Yeah. And he's like, you can mow for us, right? I would do it, but my dad really never did that. Sorry, that's just got to be the way it is. So there's like a giant garage. There's two garages, but there's one that's like a giant garage. And Brandon goes, oh, you know how you want to have that fourth bedroom? We can turn that other garage into a main bedroom and park our cars in this garage. I'm like, so you this, so your household as you envision it is one building for lizards. one building for parents, and the main building is where the children will run loose.

Okay, got it. It's a great idea. I love it. I didn't understand that either. So your main bedroom is going to be a garage that's detached from the house? Where the children are, with all the electrical equipment and kitchens and fire. But like, what? I am impressed that this real estate guy found an actual place with a standing yard.

unit with its own air conditioning and heating or panel box or whatever it has. Like, it's pretty impressive that he found a lizard layer, you know. So good for you, Tofer. And so Tofor's like, I'm going to go inside and turn stuff off, which is never going to happen once you have children living there. Once this becomes children's domain, once this becomes an autonomous country run by children. Kid Nation, like that show they have. Kid Nation.

in your house while you're out here with your lizard folk. Yeah. So, um, Brandon, uh, Brandon and Lydia are alone now. And he's like, hey, has the house for reptiles, babe. And she's like, um, it screams Brandon and lizards, welcome home. Where's the Lydia, Brandon? Where's the Lydia?

Yeah. And so, uh, Linda's like, their broker hopes the next place is more Lydia. Sorry, that's all my God. I'm so disappointed in these two. I don't even have any. anything pithy to say. Tofer hopes,

his career won't be ending with these people because it's a terrible way to finish out a real estate career. Let's just hope this floor doesn't have glass on it because Lydia is really ready to kick off those shoes. So now they're driving and they're going to go look at a rancher

and Brandon's like, oh yeah, look at this place. This has fresh paint. Love the trees. Yeah. So Lydia says, I think the biggest thing with searching for a home is your reptiles, because they have really put a dent in everything we're looking for. So this house is a bright white garage that doesn't make any sense because it's kind of a darker brick. It's just too, it's like fluorescent white.

And then black trim, but then very 80-shaped window. Like it has like a diamond at the top. And then it comes down as a square window. but then in the 80s, you know how the stupid things. Like, let's, instead of just having like one rim come down as a cross in this window pane, let's have 12 of them. Yes. Running the borders.

Yeah, exactly. And so Linda says, with time running out before they return to Virginia, the pressure's on Brandon and Lydia to find a home before the wedding. That's turnkey for her, but also has room for his lizards. Yes, his lizards. Today, they're looking at a place that's more geared to what Lydia's looking for, i.e. a normal house that does not have to accommodate 140 lizards. So the inside of this one's nice. The outside is not good. But the inside, I think, is nice and new looking. It's got an open kitchen to the living room. And it's got one of those diagonal fireplaces, which I don't love that they put in the corner. Not a fan of a diagonal fireplace. But they at least redid it. It's like got a farmhouse sink, nice new cat. It's wood plank floors. Yeah, it's like, it's open concept, which is what they wanted.

It's one of those places that to me is like soulless open concept in a way. Like there's some places where open concept that feels like, ooh, there's room for everything. And somewhere you feel like, oh, they said they want an open concept. So here's just like a blah space. So it kind of feels like that. But the kitchen is very nice. And I actually like that the countertops and everything up high is white, but then there's like a dark blue down below. I think that was actually a really cool effect.

Yeah, that's like, that's trendy, you know? And also, this is the time where everybody just went in and took out the floors, put in really light, you know, LVP floors and then painted all the kitchen counters or cabinets blue, Navy blue. Right. So Lydia's like, I mean, I like that there's white surfaces, but this like down here, this is, this dark blue is too dark. Like I said, we need to have white countertops because I swear to God if one of those lizards startles me again against a dark surface. I am going to wring your neck. I know, but Lydia's just so tasteless. I feel bad for her because blue is very trendy, Lydia.

It's trendy. It's great. Yeah, and so Tofer's like, oh, you mean the lower cabinets? Yeah, that's called style. Sorry. So now this is the open feel we wanted, right? You could do something here, right? And Brandon's like, we could put a sectional.

Look, there's where a sectional goes. Also another thing that a guy says in every home he visits. Look, a sectional. Just like my dad. And she's like, no, no, no, I think the TV goes above the fireplace, you idiot. Don't you see? There is a hookup above the fireplace. That thing there is not to put a showerhead, okay?

He's like, whoa, that's so cool. So then they look at the main bedroom, and it's kind of small, but it does have the nice wood floors. Nice windows. I kind of like the getting away from the gray. I'm so sick of the gray. Everything's gray. I feel like every flip is done gray. I kind of like that back to creamy.

not brown but like back to creamy can we just get back to creamy I can't with the grades we're listen

we're starting a trend it's called BTC back to creamy back to creamy baby so yeah so yeah it's nice everything's there's like

it's all redone it's all clean and everything so Lydia tells us when Tofer showed us the main bedroom the only thing I was iffy about was the size

but I also want the second story can we add another story storage to this bedroom, that would be great. You know, because I want my oasis to be away from everyone else, including the guy I'm supposed to marry. Okay? Please, someone save me. I feel like

a two-story house doesn't really give you an oasis because you can hear everybody in the house. You can hear people stomping above you. You know, if you're upstairs, you can hear people clanking below you. I want a one-story rancher that's just fucking huge. One of those

ones where you have to walk really far just to go to the TV room. It's like, Oh, dang, I forgot to get a Diet Coke. And then you have to walk really far to get the Diet Coke. I like that. It makes me feel so. I mean, but I get, but I think I get what she's saying. Like, she doesn't want to be, like, directly off the living room,

which is actually what she is in this situation where it's like, it's the, in fact, the door is immediately adjacent to the kitchen. So it's off the living room adjacent to the kitchen. So it's next to all the noise. And not even that, it's like that sense that people could just, like, walk in. And like, at least if you're upstairs, you can hear them going up the stairs. you can prepare, you know. Oh, yeah, and they would too, because that's the closest bathroom. You can't put the closest bathroom to the living room in the master.

Like, you can't do that, guys. And that's, by the way, yes, they also, they really like the bathroom in the master, but they are, that bathroom, if I remember correctly, it looked like it was you walked into the, into the primary bedroom and then to the left was the bathroom. So I'm like, is that bathroom just kind of like abutted up against the kitchen? Is everyone going to hear everything that happens in that bathroom? Yeah, that's one of those homes. It's just a square home and then there's barely thin walls dividing everything up, you know, but it's all smushed together, basically.

It's like the shitters right on top of the sink, you know? Yeah, some issues there. So, but they love the, they love the bathroom. And Brandon's like, wow, babe, look at that window, babe. All that natural light. You know who love natural light? My dad, he loved light. So then they go to the guest room and she's like,

Like, there's just on the smaller side. Yeah, Lydia, because it's a fucking guest room. You dope. They should be so happy to have a bed. And Brandon's like, I agree with you, but I do kind of like it. And she's like, wow, it didn't seem like we were on the same page. But here we are in this house. And it's like a breath of fresh air walking in here together and like kind of agreeing kind of.

So wonderful, both agreeing about the same house. This updated house that has everything that we would want. and we're totally agreeing about it. Clearly, this is the one that we will pick. I know, right? We're going to pick the most beautiful, sensibly priced one that has everything we need. That we both agree on easily. Yeah.

So the backyard is small. He's like, I can see the neighbors. I mean, I see houses right there. And Tupper goes, well, all you need to do is build a shop out here and it'll block everybody. I love when people, I think you've said this many times when people say, I can see the neighbors. How about they can see you and you're 140 lizards? Yeah, I'm no kidding. You think their dream is to like look at the have a view of the lizard guy?

You think they're excited to look at the window and suddenly Jurassic Park is out there? I really do hate seeing the neighbors, though. And it's not their fault. Like, they're so sweet. But mine, I live in like a condo thing where there's two condos on one lot type of thing. And the next door neighbors are like fabulous. They built this whole pool and this beautiful outdoor deck. I mean, it is literally decked out.

It is gorgeous the work they did over there. It's like a resort. It looks like a resort. But because Austin's hilly, I live in Hill Country, and they're higher than me, even though we just share a fence. They're like, I would say four or five feet higher than me. So when we're out there, like we're looking up at them and they're looking down on us. So mentally, like it hurts, but also it just feels like they can see everything, you know? And my backyard has dog poop.

That's literally all it has. And so I feel like any time anyone comes to my house, their house is showcased because it's like literally. up on a stage and they're like, oh my God, what is that house? You're just like the run next door. Yeah. A new building just went up right next door and it's like a luxury condo, something another. And no one's moved in yet.

It's like hasn't quite opened, but I'm so intrigued to see who moves in. And I just, I just wanted to be, I want it to be hot people. Yeah. Just please be hot people. Don't be awful, awful people. Well, you know, the thing about hot people is they're only hot for a certain amount of time. And I don't mean that they turn ugly. I just mean they're hot to me for a certain amount of time, you know?

I feel like once you get to know somebody, they just become someone who poops, you know? Like all the beauty kind of wears away. It's like, okay, you burped. You know, it's over. Or I want them to be, do have interesting patterns of behavior so I can like start like watching them through the window and then start being like, ooh. like creating narratives about them. But I think that they're going to be looking at us. Like it's going to be, it's very eye to eye.

It's a real shame. We used to have this beautiful, in the lot that was there, it was a small house with a big backyard and this huge, gorgeous tree. Like the big, like when you talk about like a big old tree, thick trunk with branches that would go forever and they were like all these squirrels and birds and all this wildlife, it was really just like an actual beautiful tree. and you'd look out our window and we'd see the tree,

we'd see the hills, we'd see running cannon out there. It was like a really gorgeous view. Of course, now there's like a three-story building there and they cut down the tree and it's like a shame. So the people that move in, they better be interesting because we had a tree for a long time that was nice to look at. Yeah, well, they got a lot to compete with the tree.

They got a lot. So good luck, nobs. So they continue to look at this house. Now, also I'd love when real estate people, or like, oh, you don't like neighbors? Just build a building. Fuck off, dude. You're supposed to be finding me what I want,

not just telling me to build shit myself. Also, like, you can't just build buildings because zoning, you have to go through the zoning laws and that they make things hard. I've got a great idea, actually. Two lizards. Keep two lizards. The rest donate to a zoo.

Why does it get 140? Yeah, you have a job. You have a job fixing exotic animals. Help these lizards and send them on their way, sir. You don't need 180 lizards. Why does he need that many lizards? I'm sorry. Like people, like, you don't need that many pets.

Yeah, that's weird. So he's like, you have to understand this is, I'm so sorry. I almost died. You have to understand this will all be lizard and no one cares. So at least while we're moving, I have to see long term where we can fit the lizards. I have to see long term. So he's like, well, you hit Liddeus once with this, but the lot size is not what we like. where do the lizards go?

And Tofer's like, I don't really care if you buy this or not, because like I'm going to make enough for a pack of cigarettes off of this place. So buy. You talk about it. I'm not talking you into shit. Yeah. And just want to point out that the only real downs out of this place that there's not the room for the lizards. So prioritizing lizards overhouse at the moment.

So Linda's like, So their broker finds a two-story place with more acreage for Lydia. But at a price that could hurt their wedding budget, they could probably make a lot of money by selling all those lizards, don't you think? I don't know. I'm just a narrator. You don't have to take my ideas. So this is like an older kind of country-looking house.

It's got two-story brick with like fire engine red from my memory painted banisters in front. It was not cute. It was terrible. It was disgusting. And like a white. And it's super. Oh, sorry. Go ahead.

And the outside is like a white brick or stone. But then it has these occasional kind of. like brownish, like ruddish or russet colored. Rust, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's ugly. Like accents. And it's also the year where real estate all over the world, at least the country during

COVID went crazy, right? Because everybody was staying at home and working from home. So everything like Doubleton Prize. And these people with this shitty house that's way outside of Austin, you can just tell by the lake that they showed. You know, that's not the Austin lake. You can tell it's way outside, kind of by where I live. And this shitty house, like, 574, 900.

Let's see if these suckers will give it to us. Yeah. And Toper's like, listen, there's a method to the madness. In this market, people shoot for the moon. Okay, I personally just shoot for a pack of parliaments. But if I can sell it at X price, like, there's thing, if I can sell it at X price, I'll just sell it. But it's already been the market for a little bit on the count of the fact that it's such a terrible house. But I'll show it to you anyway.

Listen, it's not going to sell this price. So don't worry about it. Oh, God, it's like one of those people who's like, I'm an artistic person. You know, that's who owns this house because they paint every wall a different color. It's like 1991 color scheme like with like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles colors. It's like one wall is purple. A lot of walls are kind of like a bluish gray. So not even a purple and a blue that go nicely together.

And then there's like yellow, like yellow green accents. Is that like a chartreuse black cabinet? It's like nothing makes sense. It's like a bad coffee shop from 1993. Yeah, this is not cute. So Brandon is like, well, some I open, but I see that wider load bearing part of the wall. Look at that, babe. Load bearing, load bearing.

Yeah, and she goes, well, just don't look there then. She's like, well, I don't love the kitchen mainly because it looks like it might be haunted by some ghosts. But I don't dislike it either because they could be nice ghosts. Yeah. She's like, but can I take my shoes up? and put my feet up. Can I? I just don't know.

And Brandon's like, well, we could paint cabinets. You know, we could paint them white. She's like, oh. He's acting, no, he's acting like, he's like, well, we could paint these, but they're black. And like, we wanted white, so I really don't think we could do it. And she's like, fuck you. Okay.

I actually like this house, and because of the house that I like, you're like, oh, well, it's going to be too much work. But for a house that you like, everything is fine, which is so true. He looked at like a decrepit chicken coop and he's like, oh, I see the potential. I could take it out of wall. I could build something here. I just have to paint this, put it in a new counter.

And then when she's like, oh, can we paint these cabinets white? He's like, oh, babe, I don't know. That's hard. Wow, white cabinets. Wow, that's really rough, babe. So he's like, but it's the top of our price range. And then there's all these adjustments on top of that is what I'm saying. And they've got like some wood stairs and a bonus room.

upstairs and Brandon's like, yeah, you know, look at these. There's stairs. Definitely going to have to childproof that so kids don't go down. You're putting your children, you're having children amongst 180 lizards. Please don't act like you're the safety patrol. Thank you. Thank you. How about you deal with a heel of monster in your garage before you worry about going to

Kmart and getting a freaking simple $20 thing to go upstairs? It's a pretty simple fix. How about not bring a tiny T-Rex into your home? How about that? Listen, how about getting rid of the Komoto Dragon first? Yeah. So they're looking at it and like they've got, there's a lot of guest room. Like there's a lot of rooms.

There's one room that have two beds and everything. And he's like, I don't know. Like, I don't know. There's no area for a fourth bedroom unless we do a pull-out. I'm like, sir, you're the one who wants to have a fourth bedroom and a detached building from the main house that you live in. And now all of a sudden you're concerned they have to put a pullout somewhere? You have lizards. You have lizards and you're just looking down on a pullout.

Yeah. For a child that doesn't even exist, by the way, I just want to point out there's no child. Yeah, I don't know that that's going to work out for these two. I just don't know. But they are both tasteless, and I feel like that leads to like a good couple. I feel like when your taste levels are similar, that can lead to a good coupledom, you know? Yeah. For the record, I'm totally on her side with all these situations.

Well, me too. He's an idiot. But then she doesn't have any taste either. Really, she just wants a white countertop. Like, I need you to need more in your life. You know? I need you to take a good look at Brandon. I need you to pick better.

Obviously, your pickers off. So I'm not really trusting you with the house. So the bathroom is those Home Depot, 99 cent tiles, big square tiles. It's done on the wall and on the floor. It just looks like a really low rent prison. Like it's not even a cute prison So he's like One sink

So I think he's right That this house is terrible But literally one and three are terrible So I don't know Yeah it's more like He would have a better like to stand on If he was not so like pro The worst house of the episode

Right So then they go out into this balcony And they're like wow Look this is gorgeous We can see the road that we came in on And the balcony I don't know I thought like kind of dingy Like it's cool

It's like not really wrap around, but like it's a long balcony. That is an ugly balcony. That looks like an old western town. Yeah, it looks gross and their view is terrible. I mean, just because there's foliage doesn't mean it's nice, you know? Yeah, so now they go to the primary bedroom. And yeah, this is like where he's the sink. And then he's like, oh, we're going to need two sinks in the vanity.

Sorry. And she's like, well, we can put in another sink. He's like, no, that's like money. That's plumbing. okay, like this is supposed to be your move-in-ready house that you want to. You might need to make some compromises. I'm like, you don't get to lecture her about compromises

when you've got 140 lizards in your garage. She's already compromised. She's with you. Yeah. So then he's like, okay, well, the acreage is great, the view is nice, but we have to pay for it. That's the thing. And Tofer is like, okay, this house has compromised.

Okay, you've already both settled, quite frankly. So just do what you did when you get engaged. Okay, give up any sort of. standards you had previously set for yourselves and take what you can get. Okay, guys, and come to my office when you're ready. So normally, they do a cute thing like, they're like, let's go have ice cream in the center of town. Yeah. They're probably like, Lydia was like, this process has been driving me nuts, but at least we get to shoot a whimsical scene at a country fair in Austin. Yeah. They're like, oh, actually, Lydia, sorry, you're going to have to go to Tofer's office.

Yeah, you're going to Tofer's office that's painted like cobalt. blue and has like an 80s couch like 80s leather couch from the thrift store tofer brown crappy that he inherited from his frat house when the house was closed on it looks like a frat house right like with the color and the oh not good oh it's terrible by the way i also want to point out before we even get into this that this guy brandon is balking at the idea of putting in a second sink in their vanity and yet is totally willing to build an entire structure of building for lizards, but won't put in another sink for his wife. Yep.

Anyway. So they're here. And so, um, Brandon and Lydia are balancing an upcoming wedding and moved to Austin in a new home for themselves and his 140 goddamn lizards with time up on their trip. They've decided on a house today and if they even want to still be married. So we put them on a terrible sofa and have decided to make them make a decision. So is it going to be the updated ranch?

Oh, wait, the old house that needs work that's $350? Or is it going to be the updated ranch for $4.15, which is the only nice house they looked at, by the way. And she loved that white kitchen and open concept, and the bath was breathtaking. And he's like, but the bedrooms were small and everything was small. And having to put that reptile building in the back. And Tofer's like, but then traditional. I think we can be competitive here, guys, if you want the traditional one. Let's face it, it's ugly as hell, okay?

But I love that as two stories, and I get my own, like, me time, and the views are killer. Have you ever seen a tree from slightly higher up? It's beautiful. And he's like, yeah, but like, it's going to cost so much to paint those cabinets. I mean, that's like a lot of money, babe, getting white paint. It's a lot of money. And you know something they didn't do?

They didn't X one out at first. I like when they're like, guys, you know, that two-stores. story one had too many colors it's gone they didn't do that nope they didn't do that so it was just like okay we got to move tofer's like listen if i'm being frank with you we need to send something off by the morning okay because truth is we got to move quickly shitty houses don't stay in the market for long fans of the set of rosanne are dying really chomping at the bit for one of these houses so then we get that that swishes by everything the ding-dong and their choice

it's the first the shittiest one of all the first house. The shittiest house. This is the ugliest shit I've ever seen. Now, that said I get it because it does have the lizard room and it's only 350. So they can drop, I mean dropping a hundred K on a house like this

can make it really nice. Yeah, that would be great if they paid 350 for it. Okay, we find out a little bit later they wound up paying $435 for it, okay? And they beat out 34 other people for it. Oh my God.

This is a bad buy. This is officially a terrible buy. This is called wait. This is bad. This is bad. That was terrible. So they, yeah, the lizards basically won. And she's like, well, so we had all our belongings ship from Virginia to Texas.

And hopefully they should be here in a few days. But the good news is that we prioritize the lizard. So Brandon has 140 lizards. I don't have underwear, but he's got lizards. It's great. I'm so happy. Haven't taken off my shoes yet, but I'm hoping to be brave enough one day soon. Brandon says, I can't throw off my shoes because if a lizard got loose, I might just impale it with my saletto by accident.

So I'm just going to keep my shoes on. Oh, my God. And they're in the kitchen, and she's like, it's crazy. We're getting married and getting our first house at the same time. All these life-changing events at once, and they do a little cheers with their plastic champagne glass in that terrible kitchen. I was like, you poor things. Like this is one of the ones where I literally feel bad at the end. Yeah.

And yeah, he's like, yeah, they weren't going to touch every single room of the house. I was like, so he's like, yeah, she says, she's like, you know, I learned, oh, no, he says, I learned how much fight that he has, you know, but in the end, she truly loves me and is willing to make compromises for this relationship. I was like, she didn't make a compromise. She got nothing. Like there was no compromise implies that like some there were areas where you guys both gave up something She just just got nothing out of it. She straight up gave you what you wanted. Yeah.

He probably promised her a white kitchen and a gigantic gorgeous bathroom. So, you know, I need a follow up on this. I'm going to need to follow up. I want. They used to do that where they have them sometimes like House Hunter's follow ups. And I need them to do that like all the time because I'm so. It's one thing. Sometimes we watch these shows.

And we see three months later and we can see how they've transformed the house. You're like, okay, cool. But I hate the ones where they choose a place. And then when we see the place that they've chosen, there's like basically a sleeping bag on the floor like this episode. And we don't see what it looks like, you know, moved in and updated. Yeah, I agree. How this looks. All right.

Well, everybody, we're never going to know. I'm just going to assume that she choked on a lizard at some point in the night. Like a lizard escaped, kind of climbed in her mouth, and she's dead now. That's all I can think. Ronnie, do a drive-by. you're in the neighborhood. Do you know how big this city is? And I think that's in Round Rock. That's not close to me at all. That's very, very far. Yeah. Well, I don't know. If you cared about the podcast, you'd do it. No, I don't. Okay, everybody. Thank you so much for being here. This has been a fun

episode. Thanks for subscribing to Wondry Plus, and we'll talk to you next time. Bye, everyone.