Watch What Crappens - Dwell Hello #306: Champagne Tastes in Epernay, France

Episode Date: March 22, 2023

*Dwell Hello is our twice a month podcast for Wondery+!* In this episode of House Hunters (S182E06), Adrian the American Realtor in a Beret is back to help a yoga obsessed State Department worker live her dreams of getting shizzfaced in France on a five dollar budget. We watched this episode on YouTubeTV!Find bonus episodes at patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens and follow us on Instagram @watchwhatcrappens @ronniekaram @benmandelker Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hang-dong. And welcome to Dwell Hello. It's Ronnie and Ben from Watch What What Krapins. I'm Ronnie that's Benoons. Hi, Ronnie. How are you? Great. It's one of my favorite days of the by week.

Yeah. Dwell Hello day. I love doing a little Dwell Hello. Dwell Hello is a podcast dedicated to house hunters, all sorts of house hunters. I don't think we've done a house hunters remodel yet. We mostly stick to house hunters, Amerca, and house. House Hunter's International, A? We once did, I think, a House Hunter's Tiny Home, and that was really funny.

We should do one of those again. Do you remember that? Yes. It was like a gay in Palm Springs. Yes. Oh, my God. And that was so sad because we just felt like that's where we're going to be shipped off to die. It's like just frankly old gay guys just shriveled up and sent, you know, with the last of our savings to some tiny home and PS, girl.

We'll be like Merrill and Goldie at the end of Death Becomes her. Just two heads in tiny houses. Yeah. Wow. Well, thanks for bringing this down because that's literally the most depressing thing I ever sat through. But this one is not depressing. This is, oh, God, why am I on Top Chef Notes? Okay, that's not where we need to be.

Did you mean to send Padma to House hunters? Well, I'm sorry, it's champagne taste. So, of course I thought you were talking about me. So this episode is called Champagne Tastes in Epurne, France. And it's House Hunters International, season 182, episode six. And we found this on YouTube TV. Now, just to give this at the beginning of every show, as we do, these are so hard to find because every network they're on labels them differently.

Okay. So there's not a Dewey Decimal System of Organization in this world. People just put shit wherever they want to. It's true. And I just want to say, it's not that it's hard. to find. You'll be able to find it easily. It's just that it's not uniformly classified. So if you go to Discovery Plus, it's like literally labeled as something else. And for some reason, they organize the House Hunter seasons into collections. So that's why we're always saying where we found it.

But the easiest thing to do is whatever platform you're using, just type in the name of the episode and it will almost always show up. So again, it is, what is it, champagne tasting and Champagne tastes. Champagne taste. Champagne, France. Not to be confused with. Hey, I'm going to sue her. I'm going to sue her.

Yeah, there is another episode called champagne taste with a sparkling wine budget or something like that. I saw that there was another one. I almost clicked on it. Yeah. So don't get that one. Okay. And you'll know you're watching the right one. If you see an older lady in glasses and a bright red beret that matches her right bright red jacket,

which matches her bright red purse. It's almost like if Waldo decided to move on from the hat and maybe like reexamine different sides of his personality. Like this is sort of, this is what you're looking for. It's sort of me like when I moved away when I was a kid and moved to New York, a kid 18. But I moved. I mean, that is a kid comparatively. I'm that old guy in Palm Springs now. But back then I went to New York and I came back to El Paso to visit.

it and I was like, I'm from New York, so I wear berets now. And ear clips, you know, like those little ear rim clip things you wear instead of getting pier. It was like a little guy crawling up my ear. I'm like, that's a man crawling up my ear to get to my beret because I'm cool. Yeah, it's the most desirable chappot one could have. My earring is in love with my hat. Free love.

Yeah, so to me, it's very like when I see. Americans in America wearing a berets. I'm a little horrified. When I see Americans in France wearing berets, I just, has, the French people are supposed to be the most up front in the world. Has nobody just said, no, not for you, stupid. No, I feel like the French way would be just to smile and be like, look, stupid over there, stupid American, coming over to Champagne, Rijon. Oh, yeah. Yeah, but you know, this lady also, and she seems actually so nice, I feel like I would totally be friends with her. And then I know I say that all the time. I don't know I have this fixation about determining which people I watch on TV I'd be friends with, but I really do feel like I'd be

friends with her. But she sort of looks like, she almost looks like a stop, a stop frame animation of herself or stop motion animation, right? Like if someone, it's like I haven't seen the new Pinocchio, but I feel like she's a character in it, you know? Oh my God, speaking of the new Pinocchio, what the fuck is that? Okay, I was watching the Oscars the other day, as many of us were. And They were showing the best animated nominees, and that new Pinocchio showed up. Do we need a new Pinocchio? Do we need a scarier, weirder version of Pinocchio? It's already about a child with a boner on his nose, okay?

Do we need to make this creepier? No, thank you, Giorimo. It's already about, like, a privileged brat who lies, and then winds up going off to some real, like, sickening island that turns little boys into donkeys like it's a fucked up story and the whale and then there's a whale all the way this whale is starving in the ocean and he's like you know what I see a brat I'm gonna eat this brat and the whale eats the brat ad well jepetto too because he's like I see this creator of this brat I'm gonna eat something because I haven't eaten in a while and then all of a sudden we're supposed to be angry at the whale the whale's just trying the whale's just trying

to survive yeah let the whale live yeah let the whale live for crying so what so wrong a whale eats a it's a it's geppetto and his creation so wrong yeah but this one is going to be because it's gilmo gyromo what is wrong with me germo del torro and so they're going it's going to be like real weird creatures with like octopus arms yeah their face you know but pinocchio i mean i don't know dig keep digging keep deep deeper geelmo okay either way uh this lady chrissey sort of gives me sort of like where's waldo meets stop motion um that's a dream for it. That's Adrian the real estate lady, right? No, no, no, no. I'm, Chrissy gives me that too.

Oh, Chrissy you're talking about it. Yes, Chrissy is, where's Waldo? She does look at, at first I didn't get it. I was like, I don't, you know, Adrian, is it because she's in red? I thought you were saying because Adrian was in red and she had a bonjour hat, but yeah, Chrissy is definitely where's Waldo? And she goes like this, which is my favorite voice, because my landlord in Los Angeles and West Hollywood, Lucy. She would talk like this. She would say, honey, she would be, because my door is always open because I used to smoke a lot. And she would look in there and go, honey, that's a lot of computers running a lot of wires running against your wall.

Oh, you could blow out the electricity to the entire place. I'm not kidding. And I do want to just clarify one thing. I do feel like I would be friends with Adrian, too. So like that comment still stands. I'll be friends with everyone on House on House on Things. friends with Adrian, too. We've seen Adrian. Chrissy, I wouldn't.

Chrissy, I'd be like, stop talking about your childhood. You're 60. But Adrian, I would be friends with because we've seen. She's like literally 42. You wretched old hag. Okay. Just like spiritually, you're 60. Like it over.

That's why I like her. I feel like we would just like sitting drink champagne and she'd make me feel sophisticated. Yeah. Well, she would make me feel sophisticated too. In comparison. So, I'm kidding, Chrissy. Chrissy, if you're listening to this, please stop. We're too nice to listen to this.

Yeah, so Adrian, I like, because we know Adrian from another episode of House Settles International, and it is when a big bear gay man from America moves to France and becomes cabaret star because he wants to believe in himself. And, you know, Beret lady helps him believe in herself. She says, if I can get away with Beret, you. you can get away with terrible off-key singing Papa. Let's go. Yeah. Adrian, yeah, it was a great episode.

And I believe we saw her on another one. I don't remember which one. But this is definitely like the third time. And what's great is she sort of reminds me of like a Jewish lady in my family. Like, I think I'm related to her. And I think that she's like from New York. I'm pretty sure she's from like the Upper West Side and moved to France like 30 years ago with her husband because he had a job out there. And she just stayed because she loved it.

And you know what? Fritz and I are no longer together, but I kept France. That's just what I did. I think he died. I think he died in France. The point remains. Fritz and I are no longer together. That's what I tell people. I think he was like, why do we need to go to France?

We got everything we need here, right here in New York. We don't have everything here. We don't have French people. Are you talking with the French accent? I can't with it. All right, I'll trust you. But it's only going to be six months. And then they got there and he tasted the butter for the first time and realized how special France is.

And then he just wouldn't stop with the butter until he was dead. And then, you know, Malacare. Can I say something about butter? Speaking of French things in butter, the other day, I actually did buy a French baguette. I must have just known we would be doing a French episode because I was like already in the spirit. And I bought some cultured butter from the supermarket. Have you ever had cultured butter before? No, but I love butter who enjoys art.

It was just butter in the shape of Adrian. But no, she. A little beret butter. Yeah, they do something to it It's like cultured I guess I don't know what this back to it Oh my God It was heaven Heaven

Just fresh bread with their cultured butter Like literally I could die It was so wonderful So I have to give a hearty recommendation Maybe for some people like Ben Hello cultured butter's been around forever I know it has I've had it before

The bread and butter is the best in general I mean I'm gonna have to try it with this cultured butter Yeah because like I've had cultured butter a few years ago and it was like it was good but this time i was like i was at a place in my life where i could really accept cultured butter into my life and now i'm like obsesseda yum well i love some bread and butter um so bonjou that's how the episode begins and um padma linda the narrator is like after years of traveling the world as a diplomat chrissey dreams of finding roots and epaignee the heart of french wine country i want to find

a place that feels like home like France. Oh, well, I do hope you find a place that feels like France because you're going to be in France. So that should work out pretty easily. I love what is this? Why do we Americans do this? We just saw this when someone went to Mexico. I was like, I just want a place that really feels like Mexico. I'm like, you're in Mexico.

Yeah, you're literally. But this first time home buyer may have to rein in her champagne taste and her boring-ass blouse. Don't worry, though. We still won't teach her about conditioner. Spoiler alert. But the good people of Epernet France have a treat in store for them. A new lady who can't stop doing yoga around every corner of this city.

So we see them popping champagne together because this is one of Adrian's friends. You know, I love also that Adrian seems to know everybody that she's the house hunter for. Yeah. Yeah. She's just that kind of gal. She's like, I'm your friend. Your friend, Adrian. You know, the one with the beret, the fun time girl. The one that went with you to a piano boss where you were looking for houses. She's that person until you actually get the house. And then suddenly she's not calling you back. She's nowhere. She already made her commission. You know, you're like, wait a minute. This doesn't feel like France. Not without Adrian. And then you go to her office and it's just like an empty room. You're like, did she ever even exist? People are like, look at the. crazy an American talking to herself Washington's open houses. It's just a man named Fritz running a butter store.

You're like, wait a minute. I thought Fritz died. A butter store. You taught me. That's what's called Butter Club. That's what's called Butter Club. Don't talk about butter club. Don't talk about butter club.

So we are in Eternet, France. And Chris is just showing us a big balloon in the center of town. This fucking balloon. This fucking balloon, right? Here we are at Epernese balloon. The best view of the vineyards in the city. I mean, that's cute and all, but it feels like a total tourist trap.

And of course, she goes up in this balloon to look at vineyards from above. Listen, I mean, it's nice. I guess. In the era of Instagram, he gets a nice aerial shots, I guess, through a balloon. I mean, I guess. That balloon is creepy to me. Because that, to me, the entire show, that balloon is just like hovering over. Because it doesn't go anywhere. It just goes up and then down. And it just feels like a weird surveillance. Like I feel like I'm being watched. It's always up. It's always up. Because we see it later. It's always up in the air. It is creepy. It's like being watched by the aliens, you know? Yeah. In this era of like Chinese weather balloons loading over our heartland. Hey, what even happened to that? Why don't we never hear anything about that anymore? They got they shot him down?

You can't have these balloons. You can't have like whimsical. balloons, you know, anywhere in America because we'll just shoot every balloon down. Yeah, thanks, China. Thanks for ruining the balloon culture. Cultured butter, if you will. Yeah. Also, France, you gave us a Statue of Liberty. That was so sweet.

I think it's time to return the favor. Here's a drone. Okay. It costs me $69. That fucking best buy. You gave us a statute of liberty and we give you Chrissy. So, Chris, even Stevens. So Christy's like, I've been visiting Epernay for years.

And I first came here on a whim because I was trying to discover champagne. And from the second. You're an alcoholic, okay? And I know you shouldn't judge anybody else's drinking, but that's some alcoholic shit right there. And from the second that I walked out of the train station, I was in love. It's like a postcard. Scenic buildings, gorgeous streets, a creepy surveillance balloon, masking itself as a tourist attraction. Here we are, airborne.

Oh, my God, I'm going to do some yoga tree posts. Oh, my God, this woman fell again. Oh, God, yoga American coming back onto our balloon. Maybe we should cancel the surveillance program. So she tells us her story. story. She's like, I was born in the States. And to prove it, we see a picture of her doing yoga. I don't know. It's not in front of an American flag or anything. It's just a picture of her doing random yoga. Every picture of her, this entire show, is her doing yoga. And so she's like,

I work in the Department of State as a diplomat. Chinese air balloons. Chinese air balloons. Chinese weather blanche. I'm just imagining people like running into embassies, like being chased by like soldiers and she's in there doing tree pose. Like, oh, hi, can I help you? Down dog, excuse me? Down dog. So it's yoga. It'll make you feel better.

So she's like, so my most recent job had me in Beirut, Lebanon, and then again another photo of her doing yoga poses in Lebanon. What is she going to do? A great, uh, tree pose with a dolma? Like, what does this have to do with anything? And I also worked in Jamaica and Russia and Israel. Japan and the Central African Republic. I'm like, wow, they couldn't get enough of you.

They just kicked you around, kicked you around like a hacky sack. John, no kidding. This really, I'm a, anybody who's new to the show. I'm like a die alone kind of a person. And I think this just goes to show you, like some people are just meant to be single. I mean, you've been to that many places and you're still single. Girl, it's meant to be. She's been around the world.

It was actually inspiring. Yeah, she's been around the world. And I, I, I can't find my yoga pose. So she calls mom and she tells us she's on a year of sabbatical. So she's using this time to find an actual home. Right? So her mom's like, make sure you have to guest rooms ready.

She's like, Mom, I have to have a guest room for you. So what you're telling me? She's like, you better believe it. There's no way these two are related. Like this was someone who was hired off of Craigslist, right?

This mom, so like this lady, you know, she's sort of, you know, she just sort of looks like a, you know, she's like a. She looks like a Sue. What are you talking about? The mom or Chrissy? The mom. The mom looks like a Sue. Yeah. Yeah, she has like this big blonde Suzanne Summer's hair. She's like like, like, hi, I'm here down in the rural Virginia. She's, you know, talking like that. And then like her daughter's doing yoga and has like sophisticated and sipping champagne. And her mom's just like, hi, wheel of fortune's about to come on. So let's make this quick. Yeah, and her mom also looks so young. I wonder if they meant mom in quotes. Like, maybe it's her name. Maybe somebody, you know, West Virginia, maybe somebody named their kid mom. You never know. It's short for mom, mom, man.

Not my man, mom, ma'am. Momalene. Mom season. We call her mom for short. So, Chrissy's season, but we call her mom. Chrissy's like, I can't believe I'm taking a job. I'm talking about buying an apartment in France. I was raised in a family where mom and dad worked two jobs just to make ends meet.

And now I'm at a place where I've saved enough. I know what my dream is. And I can actually afford to do it. Your dream is to fucking be drunk on champagne. Go to Trader Joe's. You can afford to do it for the rest of your damn life. And congrats to you. Okay.

But let's not pretend France is your dream when it's alcohol. We all know. I see you, Chrissy. Her dream is to sit bubbly from a coop and eat oysters and talk about recipes she read on the New York Times cooking app. So basically she's like, like I just aspire to be here. I want, Chrissy is my goal. Okay. Yeah.

Chrissy's goals for sure. Chrisie's my goals, yeah. So she goes out. Now she meets Adrian. And she's dressed in mustard, which is appropriate because Adrian's dressed in ketchup. And so they're giving a big American condiment energy to this beautiful French town. Which is, you know, that it does make sense because Chrissy does give off potato energy. Yeah, yeah.

And of course, mustard is not an American thing. It's just that Chrissy's really giving like the sort of bright yellow mustard that I think we really embrace. Right. She's giving French's mustard, which is American, even though mustard is French. French is. She's like, it's really important. for me for my like for my personality to show through my condiments i support france by wearing french mustard well not french mustard just french is oh america so um adrian's very adrian with a red

fray she's like moiree moire darling thank you for meeting me at the station i was having a tough day because this is the 15 year anniversary of when fritz died from cultured butter. I haven't been able to concentrate because this horrible bear keeps calling me and singing show tunes into his voice messages. It's very annoying.

It's a cocaine bear, actually, which is startling. What is cocaine bear? Cocaine bear is this movie about, like, there's a... Pinocchio? Is that the new Pinocchio? It's a metaphor. Sorry to tell you a material.

No, it's, like, I think the premise of it is that like drug dealers there's like a plane crash that has like there's like the plane has or something happens where there's like a huge a huge amount of cocaine that gets ejected into a forest and a bear finds and he eats all the cocaine and goes on this like rampage oh my god yes bear yeah and then the um and then like they're people camping and they're being terrorized by this cocaine bear and it's directed by elizabeth banks of all people you know elizabeth banks has a super interesting career i'm going to tell you one thing that little lady makes it happen. Okay. She finds stuff. She produces stuff. I mean, talk about a hustler. She's everywhere that one. She's the Adrian of film. Yeah. Yeah, truly. So Adrian tells us epine is considered the capital of champagne. Most of the big houses or mansions or, you know what? Champagne. Guess what else here? Champagne is located here as well. That's why, you know, there you go. Yeah, all the big Maison do champagne are located here.

I like when she was like, Christy was like, thanks for meeting me in Epernay. This is amazing. She goes, Piece of cake is the thing that really killed Fritz, they say. Well, I really appreciate you being here. I want to live in that castle across the street.

And guess what? I've got 10 American dollars. Read them and weep, honey. Make it rain. Okay, I'm going to pick up the rain now. So, you know what? estate market and eponet is tough because the urban exodus has been happening over the past couple of years and so many people moved out of the cities like this dumb broad so there are very few

properties on the market okay so tell me what you want chrissey let me guess uh french charm you want baguettes and you want some escargo embedded into your walls right and you want to stand on one foot i don't get it treples do you love that i only know like two yoga poses sorry that's all i can reference this entire episode. Down talking tree pose. What's this thing you're doing? Cressant pose. Oh, okay.

You're really adopting the culture. Yeah. That's how Fritz died. So, Christy's like, well, or Chrissy is like, I want charm. I don't like modern.

Ideally, a two bedroom, one bath. Oh, a yoga room. I want a yoga room. And she's like, and I also want to be central. So, all this. Adrian actually said that. She goes, oh, and can I assume you want to be central?

I've been on house hunters long enough to know this one, honey. Listen, after you've helped a big, tall, cabaret bear, find a place in Nice. You get used to what the demands are. Yeah, I have some old cabbage patch dolls I would like to trade for the home. So work your magic. So you've come to France with $5. and you want to match it. Good luck.

Good luck. Yeah. She's like, well, it may be difficult to find something that's charming, old world in the center of Aparnet that doesn't need revisions and also has a roof. So good luck, honey. Well, I prefer doing renovations because I can make it into what I want. Now, people who say that just can never do it. And I always worry for them because renovations, renner.

That's like Jeremy Renner, renovations. it's very difficult to do renovations. Okay, Chrissy, you're not just, especially in France, okay? It's not easy. We saw girlfriends in Paris. They wouldn't even come fix that girl's fridge, okay? And you live in a place named after alcohol. Nobody's showing up.

No one's showing up, okay? And if they do show up, that balloon is going to report them to the police, okay? Because it's probably against the code. Like, ah, someone's not on strike. But also, I just love the idea of, like, I really want French churbanes. charm, but I also want to renovate. It's like, well, I feel like renovate implies renovating charm into modern stuff, right? Am I crazy?

Well, I think renovating can be like a slap of, you know, just some fresh paint on an old stone wall. I'm taking it. I mean, I don't know. You're probably right. Maybe like electricity or air conditioning. Like you can keep the charm but have like air conditioning. That's nice. Yeah, but it's scary.

Well, I don't know that there's air conditioning there. There's like no air conditioning because I don't know. Later on, there were some fans. that made it into the shot and then all of a sudden disappeared because they're like, oh, don't show the fans. Make it seem like we have AC. Yeah, we don't want the American's turning channel because there's no AC on their TV. I know.

So Adrian's like, well, I'm concerned that Chrissy wants something that's typical French charm. And like, we might not find it because for one thing, Eponae, this place was destroyed during World War II. Okay. I mean, this is, this is, this place was basically a field after that shit show. Okay. So it was just a bunch of contemporary buildings. but this American dumb done thinks she's going to find some sort of charm here. Yeah.

And she's like, I know this isn't charming now, Chrissy. Okay. But we are by my favorite square. King and Queen Square. Oh my God, I'm by the queen. So they go look at this place and House One is a penthouse with two bedrooms, one bath, and two balconies. And it's $180,000 right on her budget. Which is insane.

I'm moving. First of all, bye. I know. I mean, I would move to the show. Champagne region for that for that amount of money. Hello. Me too. And I would just take so I would feel so powerful like going out there and being like, oh, do you have vodka?

I don't drink champagne. You would just move to the champagne valley just to neg them. Yeah. Do you have Prosecco? Yeah. You know what I stopped eating bread and better? Oh my God. Cultured better especially.

Corros. Do you have any bubbly from like, I don't know, the Portland region? Oh. Do you have any San Pellegrino? Do you just have Pepsi? Do you have crystal Pepsi with just like a splash of apple juice so it looks like champagne? So they go to this place. It's like a building from the 80s.

It looks like an apartment building from the 80s. Two bed, two bath, penthouse, two balconies, $180,000. So far, on paper, sounds pretty damn amazing. And then they open the door. Yeah, that is. It's not. It is hideous. Okay, there's a bed right next to the front door in the living room.

And then there's fake grass out on the balcony. And in the bathroom, which has no door. Yes. And they haven't even installed it. Like they bought a hot tub kind of thing and put it in the bathroom. But I don't even think it's correctly installed. It's like they've just got a hose hooked up to it. It's just kind of sitting there freestanding in the bathroom.

And there's like a billiards table right. It's like in the middle of the room. It's basically like you walk in, there is a bed. And the bed also has like a built in behind it with like with Edison bulbs. It's almost like a hotel set up. But it's a bed, which maybe this is being used as a hotel. So this is being used as a. Airbnb.

Okay. This looks like a porn set. This looks like the set of like sketchy sex or something. It's like not. It's like frat. It's like frat house. It does sort of look like that. And the thing is because there's that built in, it's not like you can just take out that bed and put a sofa there because it's like a weird headboard with lights on it, you know?

And then. So weird. So I'm like, in my mind, I'm thinking, oh, is this some weird studio apartment? So they walk in and Chrissy's like, I walk in the door. I see a pool table. I see a bed. Fake grass. I don't see any yoga mats.

I don't see any yoga blocks. I'm thinking I got to get out of here. Forget everything, honey. Just look straight out and see the rays and mountains. Okay, it's because I'm standing in front of you. Okay, do it again. Now you just see views, okay? You're not buying the pool table and the couch.

You only care about the bones. Okay, those are my bones. You don't need to touch my bones. Sorry, I was just getting really into it. You really had me going there. Just look at the views. Just look out there. Adrian, you have a little red dot on your forehead.

Did you look at the balloon? Don't look at the balloon. Now, isn't this what you were dreaming about? It has a spa, okay? Now, listen, you weren't dreaming of a two-person whirlpool in your bathroom? Listen, it's clearly a bachelor pet, but when you look past the dried up sperm on the walls, you see a view. You don't see the stuff. And Chris, he's like, see the view.

See the view. Look, look, there's some tiny windows. So they go in and there's actually bedrooms. So this is where I was surprised. I was like, wait, so it's not a studio. There are actual bedrooms, but I guess they're so small that they decided just to have the bedroom in the living room. And the bedrooms have these small rectangular like shoebox windows. And she's like, look, look at the beautiful view.

You can see the tippy top of a hill out there. Look at it. Just get on your toes. You see the hill? It's beautiful, right? Meanwhile, the wallpaper is literally falling off the walls in all of the – I mean, this place is really sad. Now, then again, it's $180,000. you know so yeah what can you do and and Chrissy's like trying to convince herself she's like

um well at first glance it was hard for me to imagine the possibility um because you know there is crusted jizz on every surface um but now I'm standing here thinking this might be the place for me because I haven't actually been around crusty jizz in a while so this this could be fun Yeah, she looks terrified, and she's like, you could have given me a heads up. And Adrian's like, nah, it's been too much fun watching you. So next up, Chrissy is like, I first came to a pernay six years ago, and I've been here 10 times since then. And people say, why a pernae? And the story is simple.

Champagne! I want to discover champagne. I also think about people I've met here, because everyone starts to know you because it's a small town. I feel nervous because I've been... You know, traveling so, oh, in, I'm too stupid to say this word, Ben, what is it? Well, um, itinerant. Attenerent. I've been an itinerant for so long that I'm not sure what it looks like to be in one place.

I mean, this is a big investment. The one known as how much I love it here, around the champagne, which I've now discovered. I wasn't really sure if I was going to like it here until I was looking at that last apartment and a random guy came in and gave me a blowjob. Which is odd for many different reasons. He didn't even tell me his name. He just zipped up and loved. But I understand how the walls got so crispy. So she's like we're seeing her while she's having this entire discussion.

First we see her having tasting champagne with a random lady named Diane who she probably conned into being this. She's like, hi, can you be in a TV show with me? She's like, what's your name? Oh, my name is Jacqueline. Could you just say your name's Diane? It's for America. Okay. It's a big one in America.

Everyone loves the Diane. And then she's like going into a cellar with like a Judith Ivy type. And so she's like wandering around there. She's like, oh, look at this seller. You want to see this seller Lady American? Yeah. And she's like, I love the community here. I was like, yeah, because they're salespeople.

They have to be nice to you. Yeah. I remember I used to go to Running Canyon back in the day when I was a waiter. And people would be like, oh my God, it's Ronnie. Hey, we just ate over at your house place last far. I'd be like, don't speak to me, please. Like, how dare you? Of course, when you're my customer, I'm like, oh, my God, how are they kids?

How's everything? Tell me everything. Are you into berets? Berets, yes or no. But in public, I'm like, don't fucking speak to me. How dare you? Yeah. So now Adrian's like, okay, babe, all right.

So you met Judith I, be down in the cellar? Great. So you have to realize the market is really tight around here, okay? And because, you know, and because you've traveled all over the world, you know what? You want a foundation. You want a base a home. That's what Fritz said. But then again, Fritz died.

Anyway, I got to find a race. No, I meant you need some base. Here's some. It's a stick. Just rub it on your face. It'll do you a world of good. Is that just cultured butter? It is.

You find a man like Fritz. He'll never stop following you around. Trust me. This is what they use for makeup in France. Butter and flour. And the jelly from inside the jelly donut, which is American, you know. It's appropriation, but still. So now you might notice this is the apartment I told you about.

There was a warehouse. And look, you can see the sign up there. So, well, I can't really tell what they were so. Uppid American. Oh, home. I don't get that. So it's house two. It's in a wine warehouse.

It's three bedrooms, one bath, two floor. It's on the second floor. It's moving ready. It's in the quote unquote industrial style. And it's actually $170,000. So it's $10,000 less than the first one. And under her budget, too. Yeah.

And, well, her version of charm isn't a warehouse. But the fact is, this is a town made up of champagne warehouses. And that is its charm. Okay. Listen, it's why you go to a town. called you haul and you're going to end up living in some boxes. That's its charm. Okay. Stop you complaining, you idiot. So they walk in and it's like a big open space and there's like a lot of light and there's some beams and like some of the beams have hooks and she's really

bothered by the hooks. Wouldn't you be? I mean they're crazy. It's like your stories of Berlin. It's like, welcome to my apartment and do you see hooks on the ceiling like Jesus Christ. Hang a plant from it, you know? Hang some bulbs. I don't. I don't know. Hang a plant. Hang a twink. You do you, everybody. Yeah. So, Chrissy's like, um, wow. Well, I was hoping the inside would look a lot better than the outside, you know. And like, well, honey, enough about your dating history, okay? Well, there's metal beams, uh, but I can't do yoga. Look, I'm doing a yoga pose. I know everything is about this freaking yoga pose. So, Christy's like, so what's the deal with this furniture?

It stays. Like, she said in this way, like, like the caretaker of a haunted house. You cannot remove that. It stays. Who's going to take it? It's hideous. It's terrible furniture. It's so ugly.

And Chris is like, well, that part is tempting. You don't deserve a cute charming place in France if that's what you call tempting. Okay? You have no taste. Go back to wherever you're from, ma'am. She's like, yeah, I mean, it's tempting to walk in here with a suitcase and start my life in here with a hook. I mean, I've been told like there's a life in hooking. I just didn't really think it was so literal.

And she gets a free bed too. So she's all excited about that. And then she finds out she gets another free bed. And this is when I knew Chrissy's cheap ass was going to pick this place. Yeah. Because she just wants free. She's cheap. Okay.

She's a cheap person. And she finds out that. She's going to get furniture and mattresses. She's into this. Yeah. And Adrian's like, good mattresses, good bathroom. Do you know what I'm saying, honey? Good mattresses.

So then they go into the bathroom. This bathroom is beautiful. It's like gorgeous spa shower. And of course, the first thing Chrissy does is do yoga poses inside the shower. She goes, I can do shower yoga. Oh, my God. So Chrissy's like, I'm tempted, but I'm not feeling at all. I'm not like in love with this industrial building.

and I hope she's going to show me that French charm I'm looking for. And then they cross the street. So I'm like, get the fuck out of the world, this stupid American. I know. I'm like, just go outside. That's where the French charm is. It doesn't have to be everywhere. So then she's like, Chrissy's like,

okay, well, walk me back to the meat hook so we can talk about this. You're just like, okay, listen, you want to entertain in here with all your zero friends? This would be perfect. There's room for zero people to be in here. Look, two people can fit on this couch. You were going to have parties like nobody's seen in this neighborhood. Listen, I know the guy who did the cardboard cutouts for home alone. He can set you up and you can put them on train tracks.

That could look like you're having a big party in here. Oh, I can also do yoga. Adrian wanted to do a little yoga in the park? No, I don't do yoga. Cut to Adrian and her red beret in the park going, God, I hate yoga. Doing yoga. And in the background, you hear, as the balloon hovers over.

overhead takes pictures. There's all these pictures of Adrian bending over and her red beret all over the black, the black internet or whatever you call it, the dark web. The dark web all being transmitted to like a secret agency in France. They potentially are spies. Libreux. They're like, wow, Adrian, you're doing the warrior pose. And she's like, I am a warrior.

You know some producer somewhere is like, that's why we get Adrian back. Every time. Yeah. So then Chrissy says, I am a yoga fanatic. Really, I was not aware. Sharing yoga with other people is a pretty wonderful experience and I'm really looking for balance. Pund included, because another part of this decision definitely came from what my life has been like for the past few years. I mean, obviously, things were really intense in Lebanon because, you know, from the revolution to the explosion, just started to make me realize you have to grab hold of life and do yoga poses in different places. Yeah, especially when you find something you love. So Adrian is telling us, you know, she really loves, she wants to make a home here because of the community she's found. I mean, she hasn't been able to stop talking about the store clerks who are kind to, you know, the handy men who have always been kind. The men who work the balloon always very, very nice to her. Yeah, she's been really trying to work.

work her charm with the balloon guys. I don't have the heart to tell her. They're back for the other team. You know what they say about balloon men. They're lighting the loafers for a reason. And God, it's only a matter of time before they blow. Am I right? You can't put heavy loafered people on a balloon, okay? And listen, there's not much property on the market. Most of the people haven't paid their rent in years, but you know how hard it is to get an alcoholic to move? They won't do it. Okay. So she's like, you know what? I'm going to show this bitch a property full of charm. And it's going to be expensive. And she's going to deal with it.

She works for the state partner. What she spent money on for 12 years? Nothing. Definitely not hair treatments. She can afford this place. Definitely not hot oil. Okay. So this is cold because she knows this is not like, wow, look, this is $5,000 outside of your budget.

You know, it's not like that. This is $250,000. It's $70,000 more expensive. But, you know, I mean, we do see on house hunters a lot of times, like the budget's like $450,000 and they go for someplace that's $500,000. So we have seen like a $50,000 jump. I just think that when the budget's already at $180, going to $250 proportionally is a very large jump. Yeah, that's almost of 50% increase. That's crazy.

Yeah. Is that all right? I'm so bad at Bath. Okay. So Chrissy is. You are actually, you're correct. It is almost a 50% increase because half of 180 is 90,000. Right.

So, like, you're on the road. It's like a 40-ish percent. So this is a house and it's beautiful. Beautiful. I mean, comparatively especially. It is a beautiful. It's actually like one of the most beautiful places I feel like I've ever seen on house hunters. And I immediately texted Ronnie and I said, if this bitch doesn't get on OnlyFans and buy this house.

Do what it takes to make this work. This guy is jerking off to her going, I do yoga. Let me tell you something. Chrissy in a shower doing a tree pose. I did the numbers, okay? Because I was like, wait a second. I don't want to hear about money. I was like, first of all, you've had a good job for many years at the State Department.

I know you can afford this. Listen, I'm not trying to tell everyone has to spend money with what they're comfortable with. But I was like, you can afford this. But also, I just went to a mortgage calculator online. And if you do like a mortgage for like $180,000 and you put down 20%, that's going to be about $1,200 a month. And if you do it for $250,000, it goes up to $1,500 a month. Now, I'm not going to say, oh, $300, no big deal. But I honestly think for this lady who's going to like the champagne region to drink champagne and walk around and be in her own Nancy Myers movie,

She can deal with the extra $300 a month. Go for it. Get this house. I don't want to do anything else. How does it work in France? Because everywhere is different, you know, with the mortgages and the America's like, just keep on borrowing, baby, you know, until we're all in the poor house in the end. I know, but I have to imagine it's got to be some sort of version of like a timetable, like a installment plan.

I'll just think that like 250 is way more than 180, but broken. down on a monthly basis, it might not be so bad. I just wanted to buy this house. Also, she's been working for the State Department for a decade, right? Surely she can afford 200. I mean, that's a good job. And 250 for a house, where can you find a house for 250? Just not going anywhere else. It's not like her second house. I mean, this house, I wanted to move. I mean, if this was Realture.com, I would click it and be like, whatever I need to do, I'm going. And then, you know, I'd be on my, like, shady hot spot T-Mobile internet to do these episodes.

I wouldn't even look up a fuck. Yeah. I'm just like this is one of the biggest no-brainers I've ever seen. Like you just do what it takes to make it work, okay? Barrow from Momsu, okay, whatever it takes. Well, I, this is the next thing is that she's like, oh my God, the thought of spending $250,000 absolutely terrifies me, which tells me she has the $250,000. Because she didn't even say, I don't think I can get a loan for that.

Or she didn't say, well, what are the banks like here? She's got the 250. Are you kidding me? You only live once, okay? Go do it. Spend your money. Make your decisions. Make bad decisions.

Yeah, you can save, like, find a way to cut $300 out of your budget for something else because you can make this work. Okay. I know you're on, do you get paid on if you're on sabbatical? I don't know if you do. I think so. Well, I don't know. I don't know how the government, where I feel like the government has the best perks. Yeah.

Because they're taking the taxpayers money. They don't give a fuck. They get paid on days off. Shit, they get paid while they're sleeping probably. And I don't know what the, I don't know if you get paid a different rate for being in different countries. But, you know, I feel like she's, she can do this. Okay. So they walk in.

It's just so beautiful. Well, until we get to the kitchen. So this is super weird. So the kitchen is but ugly, okay? It's like for my countertops. is ugly. It's just not cute at all. It's really badly done. It's obviously new. You can tell that whoever lives here now put this in 10 years ago and thought it was very fancy and it's ugly as fuck. So Adrian's like, I've got bad news now. Listen, the buyers want to take the kitchen, honey.

Just take it. Yeah, they disassemble it and then they take it. What? That is like, who wants to save that kitchen? I mean, look, that kitchen, it's not a bad kitchen. And I think for like a house owner's international kitchen, it's really good. But considering how nice everything else in this house was, it was like it was not not as chic as everything. There was no kitchen island and everything. But like disassembling a kitchen. Like is this like part of the Smithsonian? Are they like recreating this house somewhere?

Yeah, this is not cute. For these sellers. And I thought she was joking at first because it was like Adrian. She's like, guess what? The kitchen's not going to stay. They want to take the kitchen with them. I thought she meant like, they love it so much. That's how good this kitchen is.

They want to take it with them. I was like, oh, no, they're really taking it with them. They're literally taking it like it's a traveling show, you know? So I say that she should go in there with an offer of $2.35 because she has to replace the kitchen. Yeah, that's crazy. I agree. So Chrissy's like, all right. Oh, so this is already 70 more.

And then I have to build a kitchen too. Oh, God. The fact that it might need a kitchen makes me think if I can stretch my budget to out of kitchen. Do it. Do it. Do it. Don't be lame.

Get the kitchen island. Rich dad, poor dad, honey. So they go to the living room. That's very pretty. There is a lot of light, which she mentions. There's a little private patio, which is, nah. The private patio is like really tall walls, and it's like a kind of an alleyway type situation size.

I mean, you don't really get, like, views of France or anything like that. It is kind of like your. So I can do her outdoor yoga. I just felt like it was nice for her. I just liked it for her. But now that I know she's ready to sell her own mother into trafficking to get this house, I'm like, it needs a better patio. You know what I mean?

Well, Adrian's like, listen, I see fear on her face. I think it frightens her that it's actually so perfect and cost so much. And at which point, this is where like Adrian starts to become like a drug butcher. She's like, I know you want it. It's perfect for you. Just get it. Just get it. Yeah.

And it's also some manipulative to get her to settle. You know what I mean? It's like, listen, I only get to show you three places. Okay. It's like when the property brother's like, all right, well, we know we're going to show you. Here's everything you want in one house. Oh, my God, we'll take it. And like, ha, ha, you can have mourned that.

Good one. Got them on that one. But we can buy you a shit house and remodel it to look nothing like this, but say it looks the same. How about that? So they go into the primary bedroom. And again, everything's great because everything looks like the French charm, but it also feels very modern too. Like they found that great way to mix them both, which is what I guess I was not able to wrap my mind around earlier this episode. But this is where the fans, they're fans in the primary bedroom.

And then all of a sudden the fans disappear. I'm like, ooh, they don't want to show that there's no air conditioning in this place. Yeah, but I don't think there is there. So then Chrissy is, she loves it. But she's horrified. And she says, I spent my life trying to save money and is directly tied to how I grew up when there wasn't enough money. Chrissy, you're 60. You work for the State Department.

Drop that shit. Okay. If you have any problems with, you know, paying your bills, call fucking Donald Rumsfeld. Surely he owes you a couple. I think he died. But, like, his estate probably owes you some money. Call his wife and threaten to, you know, threaten to tell America about the baby you had for. Call Blinken.

So then. Adrian is like, it's really what you wanted, isn't it? It's what you wanted. I mean, if she spends a little more on making her dream come true, what's wrong with that? Hey, want some cultured butter? Nothing could go wrong. Just have these drugs one time. I'll give them to you for free.

Just try them one time. So, Chrissy's like, I feel super lucky to be working with Adrian and she knows what I'm looking for. But I also appreciate that she's willing to push back on me when she thinks. I'm not giving something a fair chance. And we see it cut back to the other place where she's, Adrian's like, doesn't everyone need a meat hook for crying out loud? Get over, yogi bear, all right? Well, Chrissy is struggling to be practical or throwing caution to the wind.

What will she do? I'll give you a hint. She's extremely cheap. So Chrissy and Adrian have wine with the lady from the shampoo. store, who's also wearing red glasses. And you know, Adrian is just looking at her like, those match my hat, my purse and my jacket. All right, someone cover me while I beat the shit out of this bitch and feel these glasses. You're from the balloon, aren't you? This is Adrian Red. She's a robot. Be careful. Her emotions aren't real. She's a Chinese champagne drinking balloon.

So, Chrissy's like, you know, it feels a bit unreal when I think about how I grew up and how tight money was and this represents a decade or more of me working really hard to save as much. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Congratulations. You save money. Buy the fucking good house already. Yeah, but cry sick. And this was also the moment where I was like, wait a minute, a decade. What the fuck were you doing before that, you damn hippie? Why, did you just start working a decade ago? Okay, then don't buy that house. Because when I saw Chrissy, I was like, oh my God, she's like a senior at the state department. You know? I feel like 10 years, not that long. Yeah, I mean, I don't know.

Job shaming her. Like, gross. She probably worked. She worked her whole life to get this. She had a job for 10 years. And you've dared for your face on Monster.com. I'm being a dick. Sorry, everybody.

That was that was a called for. Because she's like the nicest person. I know. Chrissy is nice. And ridiculous. I can't wait to go to her cheap house. Okay, so they look at the houses. The penthouse was 180.

Adrian's like, it's on target budget-wise. but there is renovations. What, you weren't thinking of a two-person jacuzzi? They keep showing clips of Adrian from like before. Yeah, Adrian's greatest hits. And then House number two. Well, that one was kind of rough from the exterior, but it is move in ready, as in I could move in and sit on a hideous couch, but that's fine.

So Adrian's like, well. I'm a warrior. Pose. So then House three. it's really what you want. I know you want it. Look into my eyes. Smell the cultured butter.

Buy the beautiful house. I wanted Fritz to die. Whoa, whoa, whoa. So, Chrissy's like, after seeing all three properties, I'm asking myself, do I want to go through renovation on my sabbatical? So we might have to scratch off those gorgeous views on house number one. All right, well, let's talk about the village house. Edy, meeny, miny, mo.

Catch an idiot by the toe. Buy house number three already. Well, I want, I don't know, 250 plus a kitchen. I want you to stop thinking about the money already. It's easy for you to say, Jesus hard so. You're going to be the one profiting off of it. I do think that the one thing really in Chrissy's corner is she's only going to be there on sabbatical for a year and that would suck for the kitchen because you know the kitchen will take

three years to do in France. So she's like my entire life money's been an issue and I have to ask myself, do I want to invest extra money in the house or do I want to invest extra money in my time off in my year here in Eparnay making repairs on a much uglier house? So I just well good point. I'm not going to sell you on this. I want you to think about something else. Epronet is a town of champagne warehouses. And so for me, the warehouse is just as every bit as charming as the house house, except without any of the charm. Wait a minute.

Did you manipulate me into taking the place with a meat hook on the ceiling? Congrats. I've done it. So two months later, we go into her house. She actually made it look really cute on the inside. She did a good job. I think, I mean, I think house number two was actually really good as well. Like, I don't think that was a bad choice.

I just thought house number three was just amazing. But house number two was good, and she made it look cute. She furnished it nicely, and she did a good job. She did, I mean, really all I saw is that she moved what furniture is there into actually making sense. Because I feel like they moved all the furniture into crazy places when she looked at it to make it look like worse than it was. And she put rugs. Yeah, she put the furniture against the walls. And then she bought, like, lots of print to count.

of food. Real weird. I mean, I've never seen anybody with a close-up of a sunny side egg being cooked on a painting. It was a little lot. I didn't love that aspect, but I liked her little area rugs. I mean, the windows in that place are not great. You know, they're sort of like small and high up. They're like a little depressing. But what, you know what? The thing that bothered me, though, is she made all this fuss about how ugly it was outside. And then now she says, oh, I love when my friends come and I love showing them that I live in an old champagne warehouse and I show them the sign. I was like, wait a second, you hated that sign. You're a faker. Your friends came over and were like, I love the sign. You're like, I love it too. I know you don't like that sign.

Yeah, no one likes that sign, you know. Well, maybe the neighbors do because it says Americans go home. I thought the sign was cute. And I thought like, I thought she was crazy for not liking it. And now a sudden she likes it. I felt like she lied to us. Yeah, well, I think that they, well, I don't want to ruin the magic. Okay, for anybody who doesn't want the magic ruined of house hunters, fast forward. So I knew these gays, because I used to cater, waiter, sometimes. I used to do this charity event every year. And these gays that were on house hunters were people that came every year. So I talked to them every year. And it was amazing. People would always come up to them be like, oh my God, I saw you on house hunters. It's crazy how many people watch house hunters.

And there's like nine zillion episodes of these. But they told me that, And I hope I'm not getting them in trouble I think what you're about to say is it's out there. Okay, so they already have the place. They've already bought the place. So everything else is just fakery. So they have the place and then they pick two other places they can shoot in, which is oftentimes why the places that they don't pick are the ones that are furnished

because they're just renting the place out for a day. Yeah, that's, that was the, that came out, that news came out. And it was like a big scandal when it came out. But, you know, it's still fun. You still, it's fun to figure out, like, which one is the one they're not, the one they're not lying about, you know? But either way. You know, I've known this for a long time, but saying it out loud right now makes me feel so betrayed. It's, it is a betrayal.

There's apparently, like, a big expose that came out a few years ago that details all this stuff. And that sometimes it's like the houses that they look at are, like, their friend's houses, things like that. Huh. How goes the villainy, HGTV? Well, everybody, that brings us to the end of this episode. If you want to watch it, it's Champagne Taste in Epiné, France, House Hunters International 182, episode six. It has been great talking to you, Ben, and guys, we love that you're here. Thank you for being part of Crappin's universe and the One Drey Plus universe.

And of course, thanks to One Dries Plus for having our crazy asses. And Amazon music. Yeah, and Amazon. Thanks, everyone. We love you. Bye. Bye. Well, hello.