Watch What Crappens - Dwell Hello 307: Helicopter Parents in Edinburgh, Scotland

Episode Date: April 6, 2023

Two parents from Fargo, ND relocate to Scotland in order to be closer to their daughter while she attends university. You can find this episode of House Hunters International on Youtube TV listed as "Helicopter Parents in Edinburgh, Scotland" - S183 E8.Find bonus episodes at patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens and follow us on Instagram @watchwhatcrappens @ronniekaram @benmandelker Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello and welcome to Dwell Hello. It's our House Hunters, House Hunters International podcast brought to you by Ben and Ronnie. I'm Ben. That's Ronnie. We're from Watchwork Rapins. Hi, Ronnie. How's it going? Well, hello, Benoons. You excited for yet another spectacular edition of House Hunters International today? I sure, I am, Ben. It's a lot of accents we do terribly. Well, you've got the Fargo. Okay. Yeah. And then you've got the Scottish. And then we've got a kind of a big queen of a dad who just walks around in super tight shirts, even though he totally shouldn't be. And has a little white peff on top of his head and says fabulous things. Like, needs more Scotland. That's what it means. Yeah, this is like a dream episode for us in many ways because you have Midwest accents moving to the UK. And so it's really like a Mishman. of everything that we really kind of gravitate towards.

So I'm really excited to do it. The episode that we are recapping is House Hunters International, season 183, episode eight. At least that's how it's listed on YouTube TV. And the name of it is called helicopter parents in Edinburgh, Scotland. It's Edinburgh, even though it's spelled Edinburgh, correct? I'm very confused about that. So what the hell?

I don't want to be. Is it just ignorant American, but... Well, I am an ignorant American. It's fine. I would eat a quarterpander while we did this if I could, but alas. Is it Edenberg or Eden Borough? Because the guy's the one who keeps saying Edenboro, right? I'm fairly certain it's Edinburgh.

I think that's how you say it. But it's spelled Edinburgh. Wow. Just another way to confuse the Fokin Americans. I know. Well, you know what? I'm happy to mess it up because I know it brings a lot of people joy to laugh up, stupid Americans. And if I can bring people joy, I will do it in whatever capacity is possible.

Well, I know a girl named Leslie Greenberg, so I'm going to start calling her at Leslie Greenboro. See how she likes it. She's like, wait, I don't have a horse in this race. I don't care how you pronounce that in Burrow. So amusing. Take it up with HGTV, ma'am. Home and Goldborough TV. Yeah. Originally, we, you know, I had proposed a different episode, but like the dream happened for me, which is that I saw the description, and when I looked at it quickly, I saw it was a woman looking at a house with her mom. And usually the episodes where there's a mom are always great because the mom's passing so much judgment on the daughter.

You love a good mom episode. I love a mom episode. But then as I started to look at it, I was like, oh my God, I know the woman. I was like, I know her. I knew her from L.A. I met her like in 2004 or so I don't even, I may even still be Facebook friends with her. I wasn't close with her by any means, but I was like, I don't know if I, I can thrash her the way I wanted thrash her.

Like if I know her, I would feel bad, even though like if there's really anyone who probably could be thrashed, probably be her. But, yeah, so,

but I just was sharing that because I was like, I felt like I hit the lottery. It's like, oh my God, I know someone on House Hunters. Yeah, I've met people from House Hunters

and they are celebrities. wherever they go. That I know, because everybody watches house hunters. It's a thing. There you go. Well, let's do it. Let's do our own crappin's house hunters. Let's start in. I want to be in the center of town, but also all the outskirts of town. Also, I want a brand new old kitchen. So make it happen, Linda. Make it happen. So speaking of which, this episode starts with Michael and Krista sold their home in Fargo, North Dakota, to follow their daughter, Lily, to Scotland as she starts college. knowledge. That's so much fucked up in one sentence. So much fucked up with that sentence. Okay, what's the market like in Fargo? It's freezing there. A. Then you're following your daughter, Lily. Would you let

the girl live her life? Can she fuck? Can she just fuck? Let Lily fuck. Let her fuck a hot bagpiper in Scotland. She doesn't need her queen dad because this dad, and I don't even mean it in a gay way. I mean it in like just like a overly fabulous guy who wears scarf and has a poof on his head for no reason kind of a way. I don't necessarily give gay vibes. What would you call it? When someone is they're like extra, but what do you call it? He's trying to be a cool dad. He, I don't know, like as the episode unfurls and we see more and more photos of their lives,

I started to realize, oh, he's one of those like kind of wacky, crazy Disney dads because If you look at it in every photo, he's wearing Disney stuff. He's got like a Monsters Ink hat that he's wearing in several photos. There's one photo in front of the giant tree at like, at the Animal Kingdom. And he's wearing like the mad hatter's hat. So he sort of looks like he's kind of going to a rave. He sort of looks like he's going to. Oh, is that the Mad Hatter's hat?

Yeah, he looks like a raved dad. He looks like a drugged out dad who is kind of a raver. and his wife just cleans up the barf on his shirt. And then they show a clip of them when they were young. Or, I mean, I don't want to call them decrepit or anything. But she is so fine. I mean, oh, my God. The mom is like so hot and the dad's like,

and that's what happens, you know? Like when you're that age, you think, oh, my God, he's distinguished. I'm going to marry him because, like, maybe he's five to ten years older. So he's, like, kind of hot in that manly rugged way. But then you have to think about the future because then he turns into like a clown posse following like in deadhead you know but it's like a weird um it's it's sort of because you know like it's sort of looks like um like a what's the juggalo juggalo juggalo or yeah that's what i mean a juggalo that's why i meant clown posse what's yeah yeah the clown pot that's

i've heard a lot of clown posse this week i don't know what it is go ahead yeah something about a clown posse they're insane but um but like you sort of looks like this that, but he's, everything is Disney, you know? So it's like, you can't quite, I feel like he's trying to kind of like borrow a little bit from rave culture, but like ultimately he's like Goody Too Shoe and it's all Disney rave culture, if that makes sense. It's like a weird thing. Just so people aren't confused and Googling clown posse, I think this is what I saw, the hard times. Scientists have recreated the real face of Jesus if he was into the insane clown posse. Jesus of Nazareth was undeniably one of the most influential figures, blah, blah, blah, and they recreated his face, and it looks like he's painted on a clown posse face.

So, I don't know. Maybe I guess I just couldn't get out of my head. Either way, this dad, I think, is really into being a cool dad. I think he's really into hanging out with his daughter, his daughter and his daughter's friends. I think he's like, I think he thinks he's cool because he's like, he's like very into this scarf look. the entire episode, he has a tiny scarf. Like, so, and he, so he has a big neck. And I'm not, I'm really not trying to body shame him or anything, but he is on the

heavier side. And so his neck just is a larger neck. It's more, requires more scarf to make a lap. And he has a small scarf and he wears it in a way where he really makes a, he makes, like a lap and a half with it. So basically you have like this sort of, you kind of have like a, like a bundle of fabric with two little things sticking out. And it's like, sir, get a longer.

scarf, you know, you got to get a scarf that fits that works well. And he's wearing it, but he's wearing it with a t-shirt. So it's like, it's not necessarily for warmth. It's just like he's going for like a cool look. And it's just like everything sort of feels a little bit like a swing and a miss. I think what he's going for is when people shave a shape onto their face to give them definition, like when people will shave their double chin, but then make a very strong line with their beard. So it looks like that chin. Yeah. Interesting. I think he's doing that with a scarf to give him a line between the head and the body.

And I can say that as a bigger person. You know, it becomes a thing where you're like, I need some definition here. Okay. You're either going to get a highlighter or a scarf. Well, that being said, then I support using a scarf almost like as a contouring aid, but it still needs to be a longer scarf because he definitely has like a little scarf. And it just sort of, it looks just very tight up there, you know. And it's very like woodstock or, uh, it's very like woodstock or, uh,

It's very like Woodstock on the dog house flying around this. It's a very small scar. Woodstock the bird, that is. Yes, Woodstock, the festival, not to be confused with the gathering of the juggaloes or whatever. Yeah, so like, but the thing is, though, that, like, he's trying to be hip. He's got a little mohawk, his little, his, like, sort of tuft of mohawk. That's the thing that gets me, because, you know, as a bald person, you're like, what can I do? You know, should I wear a wig?

should I draw some hair on? But no, he picks the only part of his head that still grows hair, and he just grew like a clump that kind of blows in the wind. Part of me is just an awe of the confidence, and the other part of me just feels like you're trying to fuck all your daughter's friends, and I'm uncomfortable around you. You know, I'm not sure what to feel. Also, let's not overlook the fact that this daughter deliberately chose to go to school in Scott. Scotland far away from North Dakota and you're following her there.

Did you not pick up, pick up what she's putting down, okay? And she's putting down roots away from you, okay? Don't, if she says. She's putting you down. Okay, she's literally putting you down. There's, okay, literally you live in a town that has the word far in it. Okay, far go. And go far.

And go. Why? Why are you fine? follow your poor daughter to Scotland. I'm going to go far from you. He's like, well, we always told her we'd follow her wherever she goes, so she has somewhere to call home. And Linda is like, but finding a place that will fit Michael, literally.

Ant's desire for Scottish charm is proving to be a challenge because he can't fit through one of the bathroom doors. He's like, cannot fit through the door. All right, Krista. His daughter, Lily, is like, how do I put this door on the airport? No kidding. I wish this was like a door of a spaceship that I could just press a button. It would suck this fucker out in the outer space and I'd freeze his ass.

How do I put this door right outside my parents' home in Fargo? Just keep them in there. So we are here in Edinburgh and Michael, Michael's walking around. He's like, oh. so why don't we hit the railmark first let's go see our castle let's go see it so he's very excited because his name is michael andrews and they're in st andrews or no there's she's going to st andrews but there's like a thing of that says like st andrews or whatever so he's like already taking ownership it's very american yeah he's like why don't we hit the royal mail first and see our castle

huh we're here to reclaim our castle ain't we honey and his uh poor wife is like ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha and he says Yeah, Krista and I are both attorneys. We run a joint life firm. We live in Fagel. Fagal, Nortagora. He kind of slurs out of his words. Like, he's a fabulous queen there, I'm telling you. He supports a community theater.

I'm telling you that. And Krista's, her wife is named is Krista. She sort of has Katie Maloney energy, actually. And she's like, she kind of looks like Kitty Maloney. She's got the pouty lower lip. She sort of looks to believe. Her lower lip is in a, like, forever pout. Like, she's been around this man so long that she can't unclench her pout.

It's hilarious. Yeah, she's had to deal with this guy's bullshit, but unlike Katie, she never put an end to it. So she's like, well, we've been together since law school and, you know, they have been dealing with that Mohawk for a long time, a long time now, you know, and a lot of Disney remixes in his basement DJ setup that he's got there. It's not great. I don't love it. Yeah, she's like it's real hard to leave Lily real hard.

So we're going to be staying about an hour away, you know, just so she can have her piece. That's not her piece. No. Okay? And then Lily's like, oh, my God, it's so exciting. I'm going to have my parents close by. And I can say, come on, friends. Come on over.

If you need some mom hugs, a slice of food, a creepy dad, real tight shirts, are we staring at you funny and asking if you have other friends you want to bring over? And then we see the first family photo of Krista Lilley and Michael. And again, this is where Michael is trying to go for a look. I feel like he's the one, maybe he's the one who like in town is like, oh, Michael, he's like, he's like the fashionista, you know, because he's wearing short shorts and then an oversized cream cable knit vest. and then a pink shirt under the vest with a little bow tie. It's just, it's, it's not a success. It's just, it's just not, it doesn't, it's not great. And what makes it really perfect is that they show that picture right under the daughter going,

oh, and I have a dad with great dad jokes. I know. Do you want to make friends in university? I'm just, I'm just curious, Lily. No one is going to like this girl, I'm telling you. They're going to be like stupid American. I know. So Michael is dancing in front of one of those fun house mirror things.

It's like a building that's made out of fun house mirror things. He's like, come on, Christo, do a little dance. Come on. Let's see how funny we look in this mirror. Do it, Christa. She's like, oh. Their lips all patting. So I haven't been to Edinburgh, but I can just tell by where they are that this is like a tourist area.

This is like the Times Square or something. And somewhere there's like a person dressed like a robot standing still. And then someone has trotted out like a little fun house mirror. And he's dancing. And I was like, sir, I hope you realize you have to pay $10 for that for your dance. Okay, that's how that works. Right. He's like, I look at this as a homecoming of sorts because I've traced my ancestry back to very deep roots in Scotland.

Oh, my God. Every white person has roots in Scotland, okay? For fuck sake, white people. Let's all just stop talking about how our roots trace back to the royal. Like, I'm royalty. I'm white. Yeah. Also, Krista then says, oh, no, I'm sorry, it's Lily. She says, you know, having my parents following me to, this is sort of saying what you said, like having my parents follow me to Skowland

is great because if my friends and I ever need a slice of home on the weekend, you know, and you need a mom that will give you hugs and make your food and dad with great jokes, like that's where we can go. It's like, if your friends at St. Andrews need a slice of home, they'll go to their homes because we're in their country. Why, why do your Scottish friends, want to go to your crazy dad's apartment in Edinburgh when they all have like probably cozy homes with sheep in the countryside. Yeah, no one homesick wants to go play Lego my Ego with your dad. Okay, you fucking weird. You're fucking weird out. Hey, you want to slice. Hey, hey guys, hey Scottish friends, you want a slice of home.

Hey, come to my American household in Edinburgh where we can listen to Little Mermaid songs. that my dad remixed in the basement. Isn't it Scottish? Isn't this place just so Scottish? Because that's what he keeps saying. I just want more Scottish, okay? That's what I want in this. Because I did my 23 and me,

and I need more Scottish. Okay, that's what it means. Yeah, Michael is continuing in the trend that we've really picked up on of Americans who like go to other countries and kind of fetishize those countries and then want those fetishes to like exist in their new homes.

And it's like the lady who went to Portovi Archer and it's like, I just want this to feel more authentically Mexican. I'm like, you're in Mexico. It's Mexican. It's authenticly Mexican. I'm only better sketch for me. Okay, you're taking a little far, Michael. I did my 23 and me.

Hey, can we get three witches in here with a cauldron, you know, to bubble, bubble, toil and trouble? You know, it's like, okay, well, we don't need it to be actual McDonald's. Beth, okay? It's already Scotland. Well, I'm sorry, but my sister, Beth, married a McDonald's, so that's what we call her. I'm sticking to it. Okay. So he's like, we had to sell our beautiful home in Fargo, but that's the only way we could afford this. It's like, how much our home's going for in Fargo?

I mean, like, what's your budge? What's your budge? Sorry people in Fargo, I'm not dissing you. I just haven't read any like, wow, Fargo has gone way up in the real estate market for people to be like, I'm selling. in my home and moving to Scotland. I know. So he's like, well, we both have thriving law practices in Fargo, and we need to figure out how to work in a different way, and that's unknown for us.

You know, you're in Scotland with all this history, and it's a real melting pot. You know, it's a UNESCO World Heritage Site. It's very international. It's very vibrant as well. I'm like, sir, are you trying to convince me or convincing yourself about your terrible decision to move here? Yeah, he's really like, wow, guess what? UNESCO World Heritage Site, right?

Form a line here. Form a line here. So then they meet their real estate lady. Laura Scott, and she's like, it's very center to Ireland. It's not in the mountains. It's not in the sea. How do you feel about that? I could drown you or I could suffocate you,

but I'm not going to do either. You'll take it. You'll take it. Oh, it's got very good links if you want to go to European countries. And it's part of the UK, which is a great access point, took all the other places and like I mentioned it's not in the sea it's not in the mountains like actually I would argue most places but anyway it's not in a pit of fire so it's going to be about 4,000 grand a month I'm getting a really good first impression from Michael and Kristen they seem

like they're a really lovely couple and they're giving everything up for their daughter which is pretty crazy by the way I have not done a Scottish accent I think so we're terrible at these accents. Okay, yeah. In case this is anybody's, in case this is anybody's first time, we don't know what the fuck we're doing, okay? I was in Brigadune and I had one line and was able to really do that one. I was like, yeah, and Brigadine, that was like my Scottish hats. But it's really hard to translate that to Laura, the realtor. Oh, Laura. Laura's like, they've given up everything for the love of their daughter, giving up everything, but Michael's very, very tight shirts. Very, very tight.

So she's like, so what kind of things are you looking for? Let me guess. Scottish things, am I right? I've dealt with Americans before. Near scarf store. All right, I've got that one. Anything else? So Chris is like, it's important, it's important for us to have space for friends and family and my daughter's friends.

Well, a lot of my daughter's friends. We'd like to have these three bedrooms to fill with my daughter's friends. Krista, are you running trafficking? What the fuck are you people doing? Edinburgh. These people are human traffickers. Krista, okay, Prince William went to St. Andrews. If people are going to St. Andrews, it's not so that way they can get overnights in your B&B in Edinburgh. They're trying to get

overnights in Buckingham Palace, okay? They're trying to find royalty, not like the daughter of a Disney dad. So Michael's like, I want to be right in the city, or, God, I'm just one with a city community, you know. That's me, urban dad, urban Michael. Look at my scarf. And Chris is like, not if we don't have room for company. You're not going to center the city, mister.

She is obsessing about company. I always think it's so bizarre when people are really obsessed about company on house hunters international, you know, because, like, I know you want to have room for if people stay. But like when people really, really prioritize, it's like people are going to come visit you like one weekend for a year. and you're going to turn your entire house search upside down for that one weekend. I'm taking it as like, she's stuck with Michael and she's like, oh, my God, anyone want to come over for dinner? It's one of those things. Like, she's just inviting like the cleaning lady downstairs in the hallway.

Like, you want to come up for a glass of wine, honey? Come on. So he says, you know what? I definitely want that Scottish charm. I want to feel like I'm living in Europe. Well, guess what? If you move to any one of these houses, you'll be living in Europe. when you look at the window and you see people driving on the other side of the street,

you're going to feel that Scottish charm. And Krista, staring a little bit too hintily at Michael, is like, I don't mind if, I don't mind old, but I also would like shiny anew. So, you know, I like the character of old, obviously. I mean, look at Michael. But, you know, modern amenities too with like a working penis. That would be great. So if you have any friends, you can send over for company time.

You know, I appreciate that he's trying to sort of look like the. dad from the Incredibles, you know, in that first scene of the movie. But, you know, like, I think that's maybe too much dedication to Disney, you know? Well, things to be functioning is what you mean, by amenities. You want water to run and toilets to flush. She's like, yeah, pretty much. Okay, well, that's a big ask if it's not in a big pit of fire or 20,000 leagues under the sea. which is also a Disney movie for your big husband there.

So what kind of figure are we working with? Well, I don't know. I mean, I would say, you know, ideally, you know, hourglass, but right now it seems like it's more pear-shaped. No, I'm talking about your rent. How much do you want to pay for rent? Okay. Well, $3,500 would be our budget.

So Laura's like, okay, well. So Michael's quite keen on being in the city center because he is quote-unquote, cosmopolitan, L-O-L, is that what they say in America? Krista's all about space and property because apparently she thinks that she's going to be hanging out with college students. So anyway, good luck to me, everyone. Oh, yeah.

I'm scared for her. But it is nice to watch a house hunters where they have an actual budget because usually they're like, we've got $5. So it would be nice to have 19 bedrooms and at least four flights of stairs. That would be great. Yeah, but then we don't get Linda shaming them because I love when Linda says, Michael thinks that $500 will get him in a giant apartment building that he owns all the all the apartments in, but it only gets him a closet.

Sorry. Now instead, Linda's like, well, Michael has enough money to get a decent apartment, but will he have enough to get a gigantic toilet that he can fit on? Because that's his thing for the rest of the episode, which I really got into because I went to my friend's house. I don't want to say her name, but I'm so proud of her. Like, she brought her house and, like, she's so excited. And I went to visit her.

I don't know what they're doing in this state that she lives. The toilets are the smallest things I've ever seen. I could barely get on there. I was like, what is this like a colostomy bag? What am I supposed to do on this thing? You know, most places are not built for big guys. So I kind of felt for this guy. Just say her name, Renee Zelliger.

It's about time people knew. When I switched properties with Carmen, San Diego. What's that girl's name from the mask? Oh, Cameron Diaz. Yeah, when I switched places with Cameron Diaz, I had no idea how small her toilets were going to be, and it almost ruined my holidays. Side Kate Winslet. So now we go to House number one, and Chris is like, oh, I like this neighborhood a lot.

It's quiet. It's homie. It feels nice and comfortable. It's exactly the sort of place that five college girls would want to come visit. Gosh, look at this place. I could just curl up right here on this stoop with a blanket and read the latest Colleen Hanover. This is my kind of hood. Let me tell you something. You haven't seen anything, you know? Let me tell you something, this is the place.

So they're in Trinity. And Laura's like, oh, yeah, in Trinidad, Scotland. This one will really show them what they can get for their money. and for what they're looking to spend, yes, I'm still trying to adopt my Brigadune accent to Laura and failing miserably. Welcome to Brigadine. Welcome to Brigadune, Trinity. And you're going to need a car, 45 minutes by foot to get to the city.

Well, for Michael, times that times four. All right, it's going to take a long time. And Michael's like, ha, I'm not walking 45 minutes anywhere, lady, all right? If it's not a golf course. No way, Jose. That's Fargo Spanish. for Norway. So they look at house number one,

and it's modern, and it's got value. You get a lot for the value. It's a good value. So it's a first floor flat, and I like the wall color. I have to say, they walked in,

I was like, I like the paint job in there. I enjoyed it. It was like a green, gray blue sort of, in that kind of like space. I was like, okay, this is not bad.

This place is actually really cute, I think. I thought it was really cute. I loved all of it. Yeah. It's 3,400, so it's right around their budget. And he's like, one bathroom. What's that going to set his back?

God, just for one bathroom. But really pretty nice new floors, nice new kitchen. And Krista likes it, you know. And she's like, but, you know, it does feel kind of like a closet. I was like, oh, my God, your whole life does. Now you complain. And he's just like, he's upset because the kitchen is sort of disconnected. It's like off and it's.

own section. And Chris is like, yeah, but I like that. It's modern. And he goes, I don't want modern. I want Scottish. I'm like, could you like not be insulting to Scottish people? Can you please not make Scottish culture sound like it's like stuck in like 1200 BC? He's like I don't want for real. Like Scots hate countertops. They're like, I'll do it on this stone here. We're going to cook everything right here on this stone on the ground. Like literally every kitchen looks like stonehenged according to him. Yeah, and I like that Laura tells them, but obviously with these sort of older Scottish tenement flats,

the kitchens are disconnected from main living areas, which does make this, in fact, Scottish. He's like, fair enough, but shouldn't there be archways too? You know, I've seen lots of Scottish plays in movies, you know, being part Scottish now. And I've just seen lots of archways. What did that come from the archways? He's like, he's like, you know, in the doorway?

You know what I mean, archways? And I think it was Krista. It was like, yeah, still an archway. with jewels encrusted in them? Is that what? He's not going to be happy unless you take us to a backyard with a sword in the ground that only the true one can get out. Okay?

Just make that happen. Like, is he upset that Laura is not wearing a druid robe to show them around? I'm just like, so then they go into the living room and Chris is like, ooh, I love. Can I have some tape that's not blue? I want some scotch tape. That's the only kind I'll use. All right.

So Chris is like, oh, I love the fireplace. Does it work? Laura's like, no, which is every, every place. It's like, hey, what about this fireplace? Does this work? No. No. Yeah, I think they've passed some kind of law in Scotland where no more fireplaces because shit just kept burning down.

I think Scotland can't be trusted with fireplaces because literally all three places had fireplaces that were working. You can tell because they're like stained with black, you know, from the soot. But they're no longer used. So I feel like a lot of fires have been started. Or maybe they're just not allowed to be used by Americans because they know the Americans will burn it down. They're like, oh, God.

Oh, it's another American trying to put some sort of Scottish logs inside the fireplace and burning the whole place down. That's not where your Christmas ham goes, Michael. They clog up the chimneys with all their McDonald's. Not even a real Scotsman. So they've got really nice flooring, a little study, and Michael's like, well, this is certainly a space we can keep in touch with the office back home. But the bed is so small. Wait, can we go back to that office?

What? How are you going to be lawyers in Fargo from this office in Scotland? What? I don't get it. What kind of lawyer are you? I don't know. I don't know. And he also, another issue that he has with the office, he goes, steal no arch.

Oh, I'm sorry that your office needs a jewel-incruly arch as well. It has lovely tiling. Whoever the tiler was who did that, great work. It does in that office. It's so cute. And so Chris just like, well, I know how he is. He'll bark and mourn and groan and breathe out burp smells. But when it's time to decide, I'll let my wishes be known.

You just watch. You just watch, everyone. My wishes will be known and they will be followed. You know, it'll be just like Aladdin. That was for you, Michael, a little Disney bone. Well, you never had a friend like me. I'll tell you that much, Krista. One step ahead of the, oh, I forgot the rest of that line.

So there is a problem with this place, and I think it's a legitimate problem. There's only one bathroom, and it is very, very narrow. And that's like the bathroom that everyone has to use. And so this is where Michael is like you can't get on the bathroom. bathroom. He's like, I can't get in. I can't fit. Yeah, this is not good. And it's got a rainforest shower. And you know how families work. There's going to be one point where someone's going to be on the pooper while someone's in the shower. Michael's going to be getting doused because his leg's going to be in the shower while he's trying to take a poop. Yeah. I mean, it's just not going to work out. Yeah, I think that's a rough one. That would be hard for me to get over that, that bathroom there. So, you know, congratulations to thin people. You win again. I hope you. I hope you. you enjoy that place. Like olive oil. Olive oil wins there.

It is thin. So Michael is like, he's like, he's like, you know, there's some charm here, but it doesn't connect with my Scottish roots. Oh, I'm sorry that this doesn't connect with your Scottish roots. What else about you is connecting with your Scottish roots? Because I'm not saying, I'm not, where's your tilt? Yeah, I'm not getting this guy. So Laura's like, well, the fireplace, the mold in, the other fireplace, the

confusing tile work. That's about as Scottish as you can. get what you want from me. It's Scottish for Christ's sake. It literally comes with a with a bagpiper. What else do you need for me? So Michael's like, yeah,

but there's not much about this place that works for us and I just don't think our daughter would feel at home in her bedroom here. She doesn't want to feel at home. She moved to Scotland get away from you. God, let her go. Let her go.

And also it's not her home. So who cares what she thinks. So now they're at St. Andrew. Michael's like, whoa, look at that. There's St. Andrew, hon. And Krista goes, any relation, hon? He's like, that's what I'm here for. Krista hates him.

I think Krista is just going to murder him in Scotland. I think that's her plan. I think Laura will too, because also Laura goes, you know, Krista is going to be easier to please than Michael. But he's gone around saying that this is not Scotland and this is not Scotland and all this, and I'm not sure that he wants anything aside from a castle, which, by the way, is probably every American that goes to Scotland looking for it.

I was like, can I have a big stone castle? Thanks. Yeah. And Michael does that thing in his interview where he crosses his legs and talks like he's on the actor's studio, like he's being interviewed about something really deep in his scarf. He's like, I found that both my father's lines traced back deep into Scotland. And I want Lily to be proud that her roots run.

deep because this is your community. This is where you came from. Shut up, dude. You know, this is guys going to walk in like every local 7-Eleven and be like, it's me, St. Andrew's nephew. That's me. You're welcome, Scatlin. I have returned to the homeland.

Crystal's like, well, you know, we both wanted to make the move and do whatever it was that like, you know, wherever Lily chose. And I knew that, you know, that was important to him. Actually, it was more like when Lizzie. moved out. I wanted to move out too and be far away from him, but sort of close to my daughter. But unfortunately, he came along with. So we're sort of in this conundrum right now. Yeah. And he's like, well, you know, I just got to say, we're going to live wherever our daughter needs us. And I'm just thrilled for my wife that she may have married into royalty. Yes. And then we see photos. It's like

a family photo where the dad is wearing a Monstersink hat. And he's like with the daughter. And you know he probably spends a lot of time saying, oh, yeah, my daughter, she's like my best friend. And then she's probably also, she's probably like, my dad thinks that he's my best friend. I really, I can only go to Disney World so many times. I can't do this anymore. So he complains about the weather. He's like, nobody said nothing about rain in 23 and me. And she's like, oh, we've got a few weather seasons and one day out here.

Get your sweat, Mac. So then we go to House Sue, which is in Sue. city center, but it does. Come at a price. This property is for Michael. It's going to have the space that Christa wants, but it could be, it could not be more in the city center. It's right bang in the middle.

So with it being in the area that it is, am I doing an Indian accent? I think I'm doing an Indian. The longer Laura's lines get, the more offensive we get. I know. I'm like, I'm going to need Laura to keep it to like one sentence.

You know what I mean? I just need her to announce that she's in Brigadune because that's really my sweet spot. That's all she has to say, we're in Brigadine. I was like, okay, great. So she's like, well, it's for a grant a month and you better not complain about it. And he's like, wait a minute, come again. We sold our house for my dad's college. I don't know that we have the financial means to make this work long term.

Oh, I see what you're doing. you're doing the old we sold our house to pay for your college so you can go to snooty-ass college in Scotland and then you're going to support us the rest of your life no wonder they're being so nice to Lily Lily needs to start a fight and get the fuck away from these people ASAP they're going to sapper for the rest of her life or they could just get an apartment in Fargo you know like just like downsize you know Lily's out of the house spent put that money and or maybe just be better lawyers get a dog yeah be it be a big better lawyers and like get a dog. Sue Disney. Okay? Get a settlement. So, so now anyway,

this house number two has like really tall ceilings, crown moldings everywhere. It's like filled with wrought iron beds. Every bed looks like it came from an orphanage from 1907. It's like everything. I'm like, this place feels like it's haunted by children. This is actually such a beautiful city place.

It's like great wood floor. I mean, it's just huge windows. It looks right out on the tram, which is great. And Michael is just splooging all over himself. Like there's like a trickle coming down his leg. He's like, look at the windows. Oh, on the tram right there. Oh, God, that's so Scottish.

Oh, yeah. Chris is like, well, you know, tramps are loud, honey. He goes, ha, that's the music of the city, honey. Jeez, you're in Scotland now. God. Just want you just go back to the suburbs, you fucking loser. Go make a pot roll for someone who cares. I didn't understand how this place was more Scottish than the last place.

It just had taller ceilings. It looked like it had a draft for sure. Like, I know you're going to be cold in that place. But I didn't... This place is close. This place is city, center of the city where he can sneak out and give blow drops. And that's the truth. That is the damn truth.

You get right up under some kilts, okay? We all know. We all know. So they have a big primary bedroom and he's like, yeah, this is exactly what I pictured when I pictured living in Scotland. Having a bed with lots of bars on it. So Scottish. So Scottish. So Scottish.

Baby prison. God, this is so Scottish. Hey, does this place come with Nicole Kidman as a caretaker? No? Okay. Wow. The windows. The music of the city.

The main bedroom. It's like an apartment in itself. Love the vibe. Chris is like, well, we'd be paying more, but there is more space. Oh, and an en suite. What are we? Who are we, Beyonce? If you liked it, should have put a down payment on it.

If you liked, it should have put a down payment on it. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. So Mike is like, this is heaven. I don't know if Laura is vibing with me by showing us such amazing space or whether she's trying to torture me by showing me by showing that in order to have such an amazing place, we're going to have to spend four grand a month. Wow, Laura, what are you doing to me?

So the kitchen is kind of a triangle. It's kind of a weird 80s triangle, but it's still nice. It's updated. And the table, the space for the table in there is really cute. Like the dining room tables in the kitchen, you know, and it's a nice kitchen, even though it's weirdly angled. Yeah.

So then they go to the maze. Follow the maize to the living area. So they go to the living area. It's also really nice. It has three big couches that fit in there around a fireplace. Does the fireplace work? No, you're stupid. How many times do I have to tell you?

Americans are cut off from the law, from U.S. and fireplaces. What about this fireplace? That's a window, you idiot. That's so Scottish. So Scottish this window. Oh, I thought this was called the Scottish fireplace. No. So then he's like, wow, these ceilings are so nice.

God, think about Lily's friends, Krista. She can buy out three to five friends from college in here. God, it's just a short walk to a shipping container. Wow. These ceilings are so high that Lily and her friends could reenact the princess and the pee in here. Wow. Now we've got to figure out how to pay for it. And Krista's like, well, part of the reason we're willing to sell our place in Fargo was that it was too big, you know?

And here we have as much as the downstairs. I mean, come on. And he's like, oh, it's tempting to say. I want it right because it just appeals to me, but we sold our house so we could pay for Lily's College, not so we could dump it all into a city center for a burgeoning star of the musical theater who just found out that he's royalty in Scott. Not only that with a fireplace that doesn't work. So Mike's now talking to us, and now his scarf has been arranged in a way where like the ends

of the shark, the scarf are like resting on both his shoulders. So it just sort of has this like very strange scarf look. And he's like, you know, it's tempting to say I want this place because it appeals to me. But yeah, we saw, just sort of like what I said before. We sold their house, not to dump it all into here. So then Laura's like, um, Laura's like, okay, well, I'm excited to take Michael and Christata to this next one because it's what you like in a city center, but it's not a city center at all. And it has a working fireplace.

Just kidding. It does not. So they're taking this big long flight of stairs and Michael's like, God, I think there's more stairs on this flight of stairs than an aisle of Fargo. And Krista goes, yeah, that's why they call it Flat Fargo. I was like, wow, geez. It's so rude. I feel like Fargo is being bullied.

Flat Fargo? Here comes Flat Fargo. Here she comes. Flat Fargo coming down the hall. I don't know. Ah, flat Fargo. I'm just trying to figure out what the wordplay is there. That's why they call it Flat Fargo.

I don't know. I've never been. Is it flat? I don't know, but I just feel like there's, I feel like if you're saying that's why I call it flat Fargo, I would think that there'd be like some word, like, maybe if it was like some that rhymed with Fargo or the alliteration was like, there was not really alliteration there. It's like pha and fluh.

I don't know. I just feel like, it's, it's like, you know what they say about Hollywood? It's, there's restaurants there. It's like, it's like, what? That phrase just doesn't have like a. It doesn't have a punch to it, you know? Flat fire goes, may I take your order? So Christ is like, she tells us that there were classmates in law school.

And my first impression of Mike was, I thought he was attractive. You know, and again, I just want to emphasize that was past tense. And Mike is like, he's like, well, you know, we got to know each other on a house hunt, okay? We were the original house hunters, okay, because we both needed a roommate. And, you know, we started looking for apartments together. and we found a place that did have a fireplace that worked BT Dubbs, and we moved in, and there was like a little bit of a wink and a nod, and I knew we'd become more than just roommates. We'd become, you know, frequent attendees of the Epcot Center.

We had separate bedrooms at the time, but I would wear Calonda bed, and she busted me. She said, hey, are you wearing Colonda bed? And I said, doesn't everybody wear Colonda bed? and we've been together ever since. Chris is like, and he's not touched Cologne one time since then. Talk about a rip-off. Turns that he was wearing Cologne to bed, not to woo me, but to hide the fact that he is very scared of taking showers

and that has become an issue. So we see pictures of him in like mussels shirts and Dr. Seuss top hats and stuff. It's all crazy. Kissing in front of the big tree at Animal Kingdom, it's just bizarre. Yeah. And she's like, you know, he really wanted me to make this move. And I think I could have been fine staying in the States, you know, just traveling. But he really wanted to experience living here. It's called Family Hein Roots. Look into it.

So Laura's like, well, in terms of what you're looking for for that quote-unquote Scottish charm, you'll get that in this next place. But it's finding the balance and trying to please Christa. terms of something modern for her. So they go to house number three, and it's in the city. It's what they have, what they're looking for in a city center, but it's not in a city center. So she's basically put them in the suburbs. That's what I say.

Pretty much. It's got like its own city center, which means it's its own city. I don't know who she's trying to fucking fool here, you know. But there's a barge and there's restaurants and it's still quiet and business for Michael. You know, you know, you can go party if he wants to. And it's actually a really cute house. And this one, Krista says, does look like a mini castle. It's three bedrooms, one and a half bathrooms, and there's a surprise up top for you,

which is up three flights of stairs, which means it ain't going to get used. Michael's like, oh, well, you know, I love a surprise tap. So it's $3,800 a month. So they count me in last school. So $3,800. a month, which is cheaper than the other apartment. And Chris is like, well, you know, it's a little bit more, but you also get more house with it, you know?

Listen, I've always lived in a neighborhood, which I think it's a funny thing to say. I've always lived in a neighborhood. Lily's always lived in a neighborhood. She always said, like, Mr. Rogers' neighborhood, like, might as well call it life, you know. And so, you know, never city center. And so there's just like, that's a lot to jump onto from just going from the country into like a big city center. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, but it's also dumb because you've never lived in Scotland either.

You know what I mean? It's like, well, Lily's, I've only lived in America and Lily's only lived in America. So let's go to Scotland. Like, come on, you got to keep the same energy, Krista. Keep it going. Yeah. So they go into the living room. One of them goes, so I assume the fireplace is not working.

Like, no. She's like, there's no, God. fireplace. All right? Just go and wait for Gordon Group C to be called to Southwest D-Jets. Go home. What part about the

25 bricks that have been placed in front of the fireplace lets you think that the fireplace actually works? My favorite one is when there were like 20 candles in the fireplace. And they're like, does this fireplace work? Yes, sir. It takes wax logs,

you fucking idiot. Overgrown with plants. So this house is so cute. This is a great house. Okay. It's a great house. They've modernized the kitchen, so it's open to the living room. It's kind of the open space that they were asking for.

And he's like, what is this? We went from Scotland to Malibu. This is completely schizo for me. I can't take this. And Chris is like, it's modern and traditional. And this room feels like what we had in our Fargo home. I love the look, the vibe. the Scottish aspect, the neighborhood feel.

It smells like a lawn in here. God, I'm going to marry this place. I just want to say, for the record, there was nothing about this home that looked like it was in Malibu. Nothing. I don't know what the fuck he's talking about. It is a gorgeous kitchen. It was so cute. I mean, the living area attached to it was a little weird because it was kind of like a salmon color.

But if you look beyond that, that area was cute. You like this is also it's a step down. I don't like when it's open from the kitchen into the living room and dining or living room and whatever eating area where you're going to eat. And you have to step down. That never works well in a kitchen. You're like, okay, honey, just take these bowls over to that and they spilled them again. Okay, why am I still asking the children to do that in a house with a level? I actually, I love the idea of like a modern kitchen, especially this kind of kitchen was like it was modern, but it was not like, I should say it was up to date.

but it wasn't like it wasn't all like stainless steel chic edges it still felt actually very warm and it's still homie it was very homey it felt like like a great kitchen that just felt perfect in that house i agree this is the way to go this house for sure and there's bay windows and all the stuff you know that he's saying he wants but he doesn't really understand what scotland is right so she like me like i do i get scotland guys so so So Krista's like, it's everything I want. So now they go look at the main bedroom upstairs and it's a walking closet, I mean, it's a tiny walking closet that's a stretch.

But also, still. Also, I want to point out that walk in closet had an arch and he didn't even say anything. I'm like, yeah, there's an arch. It's finally an arch. Because he's the man. So he's, yeah, he doesn't care about that anymore. He just wants the other place now. So he's not going to compliment anything.

And for, and Krista, there's like some very nice crown molding up there. And Chris is like, the crown molding. I have never seen anything as gorgeous as that crown. Oh my God, look at that crown molding. Let me tell you something. The needle just moved for Lily's friends to come visit. When they hear about the crown molding here,

all those college girls will just be piling over each other to get into this place. Oh gosh, I could just see Lily saying, guys, you want mother's hugs, mother's cookies, and some crown mold and get on over here. Listen, I know it'll be Saturday night and they're like, hey, let's go to the pub and get wasted and hook up with some guys. And then Lily will say, yeah, but my mom's got some beautiful crown molding. Like, never mind, I don't want some booty. I don't want to get drunk.

I want to sit in a room and look at that crown molding. So when she says crown molding, Michael goes, and we're back to Scotland. God, this is crazy. It's just nuts. One room, Scotland. The next room is Scottsdale, Arizona. You know what? That's very discombobulating to me.

Okay. says the man who's insisting on a scarf in every single scene. Yeah. So then it's a nice bathroom as well. And he's like, God, I have to walk up all these stairs now. And Laura's like, oh, it's got a surprise for you. Can't wait for you to see what it is. Surprise on top.

Don't forget. I put my surprise on top. Do, do, do, do, do, do. So they get... Gosh, we really are, Beyonce. It's like if Beyonce moved into the burbs. So they get to the top. Admittedly, it's really annoying that it could take three staircase,

go up to the third floor to get to this room. But when they get there, there is a really cozy, cute TV room. Fuck this room. Hell no. This is where you keep children you're embarrassed of, okay, in the attic. I like it. They just converted an attic into, no, I'm not walking up three flights of stairs. The kitchen is on the first level.

No, I know. Who wants to watch TV? You have to go all the way three flights of. of stairs to get a snack and then up three flights of girl. No, I, listen, I know. I get it. And I, I, my life is dominated by excessive staircases, you know, like, I'm always going up and downstairs, okay?

But, uh, that being said, I think though, as a room, as a room in a vacuum, okay, if this were a vacuum room, I thought the room was really, was a really cute room. Yeah, the room's cute and the couch is cute. I don't like that as a third court either. And it better have air conditioning, by the way, because otherwise it's going to get hot up there. Yeah. So, um, I'm yelling at it. I'm scolding it. Like, like, you better get your homework done and have air conditioning. Yeah, I don't have air conditioning right now. And I'm so upset. You just said air conditioning. Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't even know. It's like a normal word. Like,

there's literally nothing wrong that you did. But now I'm like, oh my God, I hate my life. I'm sweating to death. So Kristen loves it. She's like, you know, I love this. It has a mixture of that scottish feeling. You know, foosball. So scatish. But, you know, also. You know, Also, it has some of the amenities back home. And Mike's like, I mean, I don't know. Like, my mind is blown right now. And like, not all in a good way. I mean, we would spend a lot of time in that kitchen with that open plan.

But that feels like the house we had. And like I would want to feel like I'm spending time in Scotland. Here's what I want. I want to find a cave and I want to build a fire in it and move in there. That's what I want. That's so Scottish. Listen, Betty, you're going to feel like you're in Scotland the second you meet a neighbor. and they look at you and say,

you're stupid fucking American. So then we find out that their last house that they sold in Fargo was a six-bedroom house. And they only have one kid. I'm sorry. That's nuts. I love it. I love the excess.

I love the Fargo excess. I appreciate that. But I feel like these people may not have great judgment on, you know, space. and their finances. Yeah, well, this lady picked Michael. So they get together to decide, and they're at kind of a nouveau kind of place that has vegetarian, I guess.

And Krista's like, oh, I've never tried vegetarian, hey, guess this will be an experienced tool. Oh, my gosh. And Linda makes a reappearance. Linda hasn't been here all episode. Linda's been so disgusted that she hasn't even bothered giving narration. She's like, Michael and Krista are following their daughter, Lily to Scotland because they can't read between the lines.

And so they're trying to find a place that's good enough for them while also having space for Lily to visit because she absolutely will visit. Totally. That's what college girls love to do. Visit their parents an hour away. Duwarn, twang, twang, twang, twang, twang, twang, twang, twang, twang, twang, twang, twang, twang, twang, so house number one is $3,400. But not a whole lot of positive about it.

Besides that, the guy can't fit in the bathroom. Chris was like, and that bathroom, gosh, that is a deal break. Your ass is a toilet breaker, which makes that a deal breaker. Okay, we're not getting that tiny toilet. Ronnie is offended. That's not going to work. And then house number two, so Mike's like, well, it's located in the West End and that city center. And it's where Lily's going to want to be, you know, Lily's going to want to be in that city center with your parents.

So, you know, it'll be herself. It'll be her friend. It'll be shopping. There's be girl time and nightlife. and that, you know what, that apartment felt like a royal residence to me, you know. I'll tell you what traffic is going to be nice there, human traffic, okay? That's easy. It's right by a barge.

And then house number three, and Chris is like, oh, I like it. It's like, I love that. It was like a Victorian home. And Mike is like, you went from Scotland to Scottsdale, Arizona. I want to see the Arizona parts. That way you really understand the geographical. reference of my joke. Okay, so let me from the top, Scotland to Scottsdale,

Arizona. That's what that house is like. Well, last time you said Malibu, he's like, listen, it was workshopping it. Okay. So take your pick. Listen, I kind of struck out with Flat Fargo, so I want to make sure my alliteration really lands with Scotland to

Scottsdale this time. Then we get the stressful HGTV violins. And Michael's like, I can't get past the the quirkiness of that Victoria home and location. Not my pick. By the way, I just want to say for anyone who hasn't watched, literally nothing quirky about it. It's really a lovely home that has an updated kitchen.

And he's like, what? One room is updated, but the rest are merely pretty good. Wow, that's so quirky. I'd also like to point out that that wasn't really a Victorian home. Norm was at a castle. I mean, not to get too picky. Maybe we all call things, maybe we label things. differently, but that was not a victory.

Is the current owner of it named Victoria, perhaps? Yeah. I don't understand. So she's like, well, we're going to have to disagree on that one because that was not quirky. I love it. He's like, well, what happens when two lawyers have a reconcilable difference is Colin Drew Barrymore? That's what I say. And she's like, we're going to call in the mediator.

So I personally am like, okay, here comes Lily. Lily's going to be the tiebreaker. They've been talking about Lily all up. episode. They're obsessed with Lily. Lily who like barely refuses, barely like is on this episode. She will not be shown. I was like, okay, perfect. Lily's big moment. No Lily. That's a sign, guys. She's not going to come visit. Yeah, Lily. I think we see Lily in this next scene. But yeah, it was pretty sad because yeah, fucking Lily was like, I have to be on TV with you now. Oh, God. She's like, I'm trying to be doing. So the mediator.

is actually Krista for some reason. And he's like, you're the mediator. But you know what, honey, I want you to be happy. So if you want your lame place out in the middle of nowhere where I can't be me, go for it. And she's like, well, I checked with Lily about her preferences. And I'm going to agree to do with what you want. Wait a minute. What were her preferences for us to be gone forever?

But, you know, we're not going to do that. So let's just spend all of her goddamn college money that little and great. She can get a job at Wagamama. So now they choose the apartment number two, which, to be fair, apartment number two was great also. It's just more expensive. And I just thought the house number three was the best. So now it's three months later. And Mike's like, life in our new flat is fantastic.

I mean, Lily has already brought her friends down from school because they said they heard that there were some crazy American who loves wearing monsters ink garb. So we got a lot of looky-loos coming through from St. Andrews. It's wonderful. And we've still got our careers in the States, you know. We just check in the office in the evening because that's when things slow down, you know. What are you doing? I need this job explained to me. I didn't know that lawyers could work like that.

I love it. I'll be a lawyer. Well, then, Lily, so Lily finally makes an appearance. Lily is. Can you imagine if it's that easy. Oh, yeah. Sorry. Leah is here.

Lily is here. She's there with her friend. And, you know, Lily was like, hey, hey. Chavon, come on down with me to my parents' place in Edinburgh. My parents are so cool. They've got a cute place. Don't be scared. It's going to be so fun.

And so they're sitting there having coffee or whatever. And then Michael comes out with chain mail on and a little crown and goes, let's unite the clans. Yeah. He'll be like, and Lily's never coming back. And Lily's like, oh, I'm so sorry, Fia. I'm so sorry. So Chris is like, you know, we had so many fears. was this the right thing to do, but it was.

And he's like, it grabbed me by the heart and it won't let go. And that is just so fucking Scottish. Yeah, that was the end of the episode. So this is hilarious. I was cracking up. Thanks, everyone, for listening here on Wondry Plus. And we'll catch you on the next Dwell Hello. And we'll also catch you on the main watch or crappins feed.

So have a good one. And thanks for listening. listening. See you next time. Bye.