Watch What Crappens - Dwell Hello #312 House Hunters International: Growing in Portugal

Episode Date: June 18, 2023

*Dwell Hello is our twice a month podcast for Wondery+! In this episode of House Hunters International (S152E01), Matthew moves his family to Portugal where he expects a beach house, a farmhouse, and a studio audience all for the reasonable price of six dollars. We watched this episode on Max!Find bonus episodes at patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens and follow us on Instagram @watchwhatcrappens @ronniekaram @benmandelker Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Well, hello and welcome to dwell hello. I'm Ronnie. That's Ben over there. Hi, Ben. Hi, Ronnie. How are you? Good. Well, hello everybody. Welcome to dwell. Hello, darling. This is, you know, we're the guys from Crappence, obviously. And here we are with our House Hunters, in this case, House Hunters International podcast. This, for those of you following along, is season 152 episode. episode one on Max, formerly HBO Max, or Discovery Plus. If you have trouble finding this, House Hunters is always numbered differently on every streaming platform.

We don't know why. So just go to either YouTube or Discovery Plus or Max, wherever you watch these, and just search in the search bar the name of this episode, which is Global Growing in Portugal. That's Global Growing in Portugal. And it'll pop right up, okay? Yeah. I have a very exciting update from since our last, well, hello, which I just remembered right now, which is that my parents were here visiting for a week. And my mom loves watching House Hunters and my dad hates it. And we were watching one random episode and the realtor showed like a couple, a kitchen first. It was a bad kitchen and she showed the kitchen. first and my dad just looked at it and goes she's an idiot just like just so angry at the realtor for showing the kitchen first so then i tweeted out why was he mad for showing the kitchen

first because in his mind it's like well why would you lead with that she's an idiot so then um i tweeted out she's an idiot says my dad regarding house hunters i just tweeted that and hg tv actually found the tweet and retweeted it to their Twitter account of 1.4 million people. So I'm very happy to announce that my dad is now briefly Twitter famous in the world of HGTV for saying she's an idiot about a realtor on the how funny. I just thought it was funny that my dad. No, of course not. I just thought it was funny that my dad, the HGTV actually retweeted what my dad said. I guess there's no arc to the story except I just was amused by it. Well, I think it's amusing. Like the person who does the socials over there.

It's like, oh, my God, finally someone tweeted at us about H-H-H-I, y'all. Like, their days made. They're like, you know what? We're not getting a lot of activity on these accounts. You're about to be fired Amber. And your dad just saved Amber's job. He just saved Amber's cookies. Amber.

Oh, man, Amber, I'm so sorry that it's been so tough over there. But you're doing great work, Amber. We really support you. So this one is called Global Growing in Portugal. And we see this, like, kind of good-looking. you know, youngish guy, playing guitar. And he's playing that song that's like in every Mexican standoff scene in every movie with a Mexican standoff where it's like,

bum, brum, bum, bum, bum, bum. And then he goes, O'A. And the real estate lady goes, ah, that is not Portuguese. I was like, oh, no. She's like so disgusted and so annoyed. She hates him. By the way, this is a listener request.

And so thank you so much to listeners for giving us these requests. We've been doing them. So if you do have a listener request, just comment on this post or any dwell hello post. And we will see it. And we will try to do it if it's on Max or YouTube TV. Or shoot us an email, watch our crappins at Gmail.com. So, yeah, so this lady is so over it. And then we hear Linda, the narrator, go,

Matthew, Adrian, and their two sons are leaving Washington State for a new endeavor in Portugal. where they'll frustrate all the locals with terrible, stereotypical guitar playing. Hopefully, they'll come out with a song called a Portuguese standoff, so Matt becomes instantly less offensive in the next five minutes. So Matthew's like, I'm growing medical cannabis. And his wife, Adrian, is like, that's a huge move for his career.

And she's got like one of those upper cheek piercing things. Because guys, they're from Spokane, Washington, and that's what they do. They get cheekbone piercings and play three chords on the guitar, and they're really into cannabis. Yeah, she has one of those piercings that's like a ladybug landed there once. And she said, oh, my God, I'm going to always remember this by getting that space pierced. So. It's actually pretty, you know, and I'm not like a big, like, anti-piercing person. I don't have any, but mostly because I'm like droopy.

I'm a droopy person. It's so I don't have tattoos. I'm too droopy. I'm too flabby. You know, I'm not being self-hating. I'm just, that's, that's who I am. I'm, you know, a droopy, flabby person. I don't have things, places to put stuff like that. But she gets one, I think it's kind of pretty, but as a person who's very protective over my cheekbones, because like, let's be honest, it's all I've got. I'm like, how do you do that? How do you sleep on your side without hurting? What are you doing to yourself? You don't have to do this just to live in Spokane. You know what I mean? Get a tramp stamp. get a tram stamp. So, yeah, she's like, it's like the Matt show, and that is my life. And so the realtor, who basically is like Portuguese, Portugal's answer to Annie Potts is like,

hmm, okay, gross Americans. So this is a big moment for her and her wacky faces that she gets to, like her wacky disapproval faces that she gets to make through the whole episode. So I was very excited for her because Marta, you know, Marta's just got a lot of those. her in her box and she needs she needs to whip them out and here she comes yeah she's not happy so um we're in the algarv it's not it's not it's al gov i think they call it algov right not not the algarv

portugal and adrian is like isn't this like so crazy that this is going to be our home and her husband matt's like yeah these waves are awesome like give us your best surf sigh give us your best surf because they've got a little child named what with i thought his name was sigh like Cyrus, but I was, I will, I was, they're saving that. They're saving that as like a little twist later, the kids. Yeah. They're like, you know what? We'll let you digest Matt for a minute. And then we'll throw the kids names at you. Okay. Because we have a, we have a, we have a crazy name first, before we get to the kid's name. We got a little bit of it. We got a, we got what feels like it'll be the first crazy name and the only crazy name of the episode. But then we're going to get,

then we're going to hit you with the kid. So Adrian gives us their background. She's like, we grew up in Spokane, Washington. We met at a party. And I was like, Like, are you Matt Butters? Because, of course, like with a last name like Butters, like, everyone feels like they know who he is. You know what I mean? Like, I can't believe it's not. Or, you know, like, it's at fault for heart disease, you know. Or in this case, you're going to be like, I'm looking for a butter substitute because this is clearly unhealthy.

Oh, I just wish my name were Marjorin. So, yeah, Matt's like, yeah, she fell for me. So they've been together for seven years. and they have a son named Cybius, P-S-Y-B-I-O-U-S. And the answer is, yes, there is a Reddit thread about this name because people were so confused. They could not believe it. I looked it up, and of course I thought I had it up here. But there is an entire Reddit thread that's like, is this a real name?

And it's all these people chiming in about Cybeas from this show. And someone goes, makes me think of bacteria for some reason. And someone says it makes me think of that urban legend arcade game Polybus. Someone says, what a darling name for such a fungi. People are just going in on this name. I just say, I looked this up too because you did. First of all, the subreddit that it's in is called Name Nerd Circle Jerk. Just, you know, shout out to Reddit.

Also, Reddit, stop being dicks with your AP. and let fucking apps use it without trying to charge them $19 million a year, whatever you're doing because you fucked up my favorite app to use Reddit. Apollo, my favorite one, everybody's gone dark now to protest you guys being selfish assholes. Don't buy Reddit if you can't make money off of it. You guys bought Reddit and then you treat it like crap and make it this overblooded piece of shit mess.

Stop it. Okay, or we're all going to stop using it. Okay, anyway, this is why Reddit is great because it has the name nerd circle jerk subreddit. God bless that little piece of heaven. Yeah. But Names.org says, what does the name Cybeus mean? It says, where's the answer? It gave a preview.

It says P is for pride, strong and alive. S is for secret. Y is for yes. B is for buoy. I is for important. O is for old-fashioned. U is for uncanny. And S is for sweetheart.

What the fuck is that? Yeah, I just feel like Sybius is, it's going to be a font of fascination for many people for many years. I think of Sybicillin, which is, you know, a drug. Also, it's a mushroom, right, cypicillin? Also, wait, what is cybecilin? I need to look that up next. We know, someone, actually, Matt Butters created a song in 2015. called for Cybius, and it's him on a guitar, and he's just, he's just, has a big beard.

Oh, I can't even, I can't even watch this song. I cannot watch this song for Cybeus. You heard, like, the first chord strong when you were out of there, huh? Did you hear that? I did. Okay. I'll go to the middle of this, this year. Let's see what he is. But I will tell you this, it was a wise choice name if you care about Google search results because it is like the first thing that comes up on Google, right? This kid is always going to be the first thing when you Google that.

There's no competition. Facebook, Sybius is concentrating on learning notes with both hands. And then the second result is Matt, Adrian, and Cybeus. And then another video is Sybius reads notes very diligently. And then, oh, here's the first Sybius song that you were talking about. Yeah. Sybis, I mean, I think the reason, I think that's like we bring up a good point. I think when your name is Matt Butters, you are so sick of being so far down,

your name actually being so far down on the Google search for Matt Butters because everything is coming up before you. Like every Matt, every butter, every place, Matt, every door mat. Like, you're the most non-distinct name. So he's like, I want to have someone who has great SEO as a child. Yeah, you're like looking for strong keyword relevance. And then damn, damn, not damn, sorry everybody. This is the family show.

Down further on Twitter are on the search results is a Twitter thread where apparently they're talking about this. And I couldn't find the actual tweet because you know how it gives you the preview of the tweet on Google and then you click it and have to read through the whole thread to try and find it. But it does say, damn, I haven't seen an arcade with a Cybius machine in ages. And then someone else is quoting something that says, Do not take Cybius if you are allergic to Cybius or any of its ingredients. So, you know, it's a lot of things. I see one tweet that says, is this in Greece or are the parents just wild? Okay.

And their other kid's name is Theos. And I was like, what in the holy, Avengers book of names I know I don't understand okay but also like

why have such a okay why have this name that sounds all the gemstones that will call the earth's population like what are we trying

to do here? Why are we naming these children with sci-fi names from like a different era or multiverse but their last name is still butters

like I don't understand Sybius butter. Like I am Thanos And I will rule the galaxy Thanos Is this Thanos?

By any chance? Yes, Thanos Butters. Yes. Mr. Butters, your order is ready. Please just call me, Theos. All right. Avengers, Age of Ultron.

That's Ultron Butters. Thank you. Thank you very much. So he talks about how he got into, okay, I'm sorry, Spokane is a great place to raise a family. And he's like, I got into medical marijuana when I was very young because I was diagnosed with epileptic symptoms. And I cuts to Adrian and she just smiles. She's like, ha. Yeah. It's so great when I, listen, whenever he just doesn't, whenever he's acting up, I just turn my flashlight on and off real quick and

just see what it does to him. I just turn on the flash effect with my phone every time I get a text message, but every time he acts up. It's terrible. So he's like, yeah, and I'm authorized as a medical patient so I can cultivate my own plants. And I became super passionate about it. But there's a lot of competition in Washington State. In Europe, they're just starting to allow medical cultivation. You know, the law has just changed.

So it's really the gold rush here. So I'm going to take advantage of it. So now they're like going to get gelato. And Matt talks about how he got a job as a farm manager for a biopharmaceutical company startup. And Adrian's like, you know, I had reservations about moving the kids, you know, because I thought I could stay in damp, overcast, Spokane, Washington, or I could come to a beautiful beach paradise in Portugal. And I just, it was a tough choice. It was really hard. Yeah, hugely buffet there.

and they go get ice cream and Sabius, you know, his fucking face is covered in ice cream. I don't understand why they make ice cream for children. It's a children's food, right? Like it's four, we still eat it, but it's four children and we all know it. And you all take kids to ice cream. That's how you do it, but it's just, it's a disaster every time. I've never seen a kid eat it where they just, he's rubbing it all over his whole face. I think there has to be like you have to reach a certain age before you can start doing cones.

I think you start off cups and spoons, and you're just, you're in cups and spoons until fourth grade. Well, this is ice cream place. It's called an apostrophe ice cream, like an ice cream. It should be called rondel cream because it looks like me in skinny jeans. It's like their cones, their cone is like a little toothpick. And then the rest of it, it's like a big James and the giant peach on top. It just looks, it looks like a French boulder, a Frenchie trying to like. like stand up on the counter. You know what I mean? I have a question. What is an appropriate age

where your child should no longer have a literal, like, mask of ice cream on their face when they have ice cream up from a cone? Because this kid had it all over the entire face. And I wanted to be like, geez, like, this is crazy. But I also know the kids five. So maybe like, I don't know what age did a children age out of when they eat ice cream that's on their like forehead and their chin? because at a certain time you stop eating ice cream like that, right? Like, when is it appropriate that I can shame your child for having a face of ice cream? You know, I don't think you have to wait for the appropriate time to shame someone else's child. I think you just do it.

I think it's one of those things you can't worry about the manners of it. Yeah, you just shame a child. Because his face was blue. Like, it was all. He had a Homer Simpson circle around his mouth of blue ice cream. I think it's just signs of future issues where your mom doesn't even wipe your face. You know what I mean? Or tell you, oh, my God, you've got ice cream all over.

Like, make an effort. Okay, of course he's a kid that's going to get ice cream, but wipe it or do something. You're on camera in a firm country. You're on camera in a phone. It's going to be flies barfing all over his face to eat the shit off of there in two seconds. So can you just like try to fit in with the sophisticated Europeans? Like, please. Just wipe.

You just use a napkin. I'm not saying the kid is wrong for getting ice cream on his face. I'm saying you're wrong for not wiping down his face. Please, come on. Yeah, it's a parental thing. It's not ice cream's fault. It's not the kids' fault. It's Adrian and Matthew Butters. It's the Butters's fault. Of course, their name is Butters. So you get, you know what? You get what you pay for. They're wiping his face with like butter wrappers. Butter, like literally the least polite thing ever. Like the least polite food ever. It's the oiliest, greasiest sticks all over everything, leaves tracks forever. So, of course. So Adrian's like, living abroad with kids will be challenging for sure, but because they're so young, hopefully they'll adapt to a new culture nicely. I was like, let the first part of that cultural adaptation be a napkin.

Just let, please, let it be a napkin. So Marta, the real estate lady, is like, oh, we have a wonderful country. We're small, but we have many attractions. I think you'll be very, very happy here. And Matthew goes, I think you'd like cannabis, Marta, just saying, Just saying, I was like this guy She's like, get that's out of our country. She hates him.

I love how much Marta hates, openly hates Matthew. She just looks at him like he's the biggest piece of shit. She does. She's also right about it. And Matthew has this kind of humor that's like, he's acting like he's kidding, but he seems mean. He is doing that typical thing of, yeah, I love cannabis. I want to surf.

I want to live the surfing lifestyle, but he's like mean and passive aggressive of the entire episode, one of those people who's like, mean, but tries to cover their meanness. Oh, 100%. I thought he was really nasty. I thought he was too, but he's hiding it under disguise of like, I'm hilarious. Yeah. And then Adrian is nicer, you know, but she's also, she says things a couple of times, like, oh, I get it. It's the Matt show. Well, you bought tickets to the fucking show. Not only that, you fucked the show and you had baby shows from the show. Why would you do that? You stuck your finger in the butters. Okay. So now Linda comes out of nowhere. She's like, hi, it's Linda here again. I just have to interrupt this travesty of an American experience in Portugal. Invaders have been trying to lay claim to Portugal's southern chorus for thousands of years up until here, Adrian and Matt Butters. And their influence is still evident in the area's architecture.

Um, fun fact, the Moors conquered the southern coast of Portugal in the 8th century. I was like, you know what? This family needs no Moors. Ice cream. Okay. No Moors. The Moors were going to stay here until they had a prophecy that an awful family called Butters would be moving in someday. So out went the Moors. They left. Being known as Europe's biggest secrets can have its drawback. And then we go to Marta and she's like, listen, it's not easy to find a long-term rental. We're in a holiday area here, and people prefer to rent short-term.

And Matt's like, well, if it's the right space, we're going to make it happen. And Adrian tells us that... I was about to say, Marta's just trying to be like, go to a different town. Get out of here. Please don't be here. We don't have houses here.

She's like, I only deal with tourists, and I still hate you. Yeah, people don't live here, actually. These are all illusions. You should go some... Maybe go to England. Go somewhere else. I don't know. Yeah. So he's

a breadwinner, but Adrian controls the money. And Matt's like, yeah, that's probably a good thing, because I can't save. And she's like, oh, my God, is so cute, he's so immature. He's like a big baby. Can't deal with money. God, I love him so much. Can't wait to get pregnant again.

We would like to be 15 minutes from our kids' school and also 15 minutes from the beach, and I'm sure that's probably pretty hard to find, which, by the way, re-reading this now, Can we please put like a mental bookmark on her saying we'd like to be 15 minutes from the beach? Because. Well, also, but she also has such a specific, we want to be 15 minutes from the beach and 15 minutes from the school. You are so mediocre.

Like, you don't even strive for something better. Can't you say I want to be five minutes? I want to be on the beach and I want the school to be on the beach as well. Like, aim high. Dolphins. She's aiming for pure mediocrity. She's like, whatever, wherever you find us, I want it to be close to none. thing.

I want it to be 50. Okay, I'm going to un-bookmark it because I'll just say it now that later on, she's very upset that there are 20 minutes from the ocean. You're like, oh, that does suck. But then it's like, but you said you were down for 15 minutes from the ocean. So now I'm like, you created this mess. So she wants a two-bedroom and she wants a bathtub. And by the way, that bathtub request goes wholly ignored for the rest of the episode.

I just want to point out. And he does. And then Matt's like, uh, I want a large bathtub. maybe one, you can swim in because it's not enough just to be by the beach. We also need to have a pool for $3. We're only willing to spend $3. Yeah. And he's like, you might call me a dreamer.

I'm looking for something larger, detached, three bedrooms, an office space, pinata factory, just because I love the smell of fresh candy being pressed into a newspaper donkey. Yeah, I want to invent my own type of tinned fish for Portugal. I know they're really big into tin fish, but I want to make my own. Like, what about, like, tinned spider crab? How about that? So, Adrian, it's like, oh, don't forget a place to grow. And he goes, oh, yeah, do you need a huge garden?

But it's not a place to grow cannabis, okay? Just, you know, just vegetables. Just so that way the authorities know, it's purely going to be vegetables, no cannabis whatsoever. And Marta's like, and what are you willing to spend three? $3, $4, $4.50. And she's like, I fucking die. Just die.

Stupid fucking American. She literally mumbles. They cut to her going, uh, probably not going to happen. Yeah. Marta's one of my favorite real estate people in a long time. I have to say. She is hilarious. She's disgusted by everything that's happening here.

She hates the show. She hates the people. She hates that she woke up to do this. She's like, I put on my pretty dress that looks like Portuguese style and this is what that's to deal with. So they go to Portis first, which is a little village and it's

10 minutes walk to the beach. It's a first floor apartment. This apartment place is beautiful. It looks like temples or like they're all white stucco beautiful. Architectural touches.

By the way, this episode was one of the most beautiful episodes of House Hunters. I feel like we've seen. It was gorgeous the way they shot it. It really is gorgeous. And you can tell the difference in when they shoot in like 2021 like this one. And when they were shot in, you know, obviously 2011. Like a lot of change. 2011 in Destin, Florida versus like HD 2021 in Portugal. It's like, one seems just a little bit prettier.

Yeah. But for real. This was, I was like, wow, what a feast for the eyes. I was like, I want to move here. So it's this place. And Matt's like, apartment. That's not quite what I. was looking for at least me like doesn't have garden space and marcia like points like a little box

that's good thing they're in the it's like the sidewalk it's like the sidewalk planter that's they're in the front yard okay and it's literally like what would you call that like a two by two plot of a lot of yard it's like a sidewalk it was like future space for a sidewalk like there was a hole in the sidewalk that's your garden now there was actually like the the cement cover for the water line that goes, I was like, there's literally nowhere that he's going to be able to plant here. And I love that Marta's like, oh, fuck off. He's like, well, it's a little smaller than I was thinking, sir, how about you get a garden box, okay? There is such a thing as urban farming. So Marta's like, well, I thought, I thought most of you, Adrian, when I got, I got you this two

bedroom, two bath. It's $1,100 per month. And I really was thinking about you, Adrian, blink once, if you need to get out of this butter's man's life. I will see. you i'll take you to lisbon find you good man and this is way under budget this is only 1100 a month and they actually said 1600 i don't know if we actually said the amount so adrian's like uh yeah that gives us money to save i mean not that matthew cares and it's very pretty inside it is actually very really beautiful they it's all brown tiles like saltio tiles or whatever and then there's like one of those curved ceilings like a vaulted ceiling almost when they walk in you walk into a little hallway with like a vaulted ceiling with like sort of brick tile and Adrian goes, oh well, this hallway is a bit small.

And Marta goes, yeah, it's an apartment. Yeah, what do you expect? Like a grand hall, Adrian. Don't make me not like you, okay? Come on, Adrian. Yeah. And so she goes, interesting ceiling. And Matt goes, I like the tiles.

And I love that Marta has to say this 20 times whenever they bitch about something. She's like, Portuguese style. Portuguese style. I just wanted to put it on a little, record it on a button and just press it over in a Portuguese style, stupid. We should be grateful that neither Matt nor Adrian ever said, I like this, but I want to be someplace that feels more like Portugal,

because that's like my family. I can't say that way people do that. So the kitchen was, you know, I actually thought the kitchen was nice. I felt like this entire apartment would be a really good option for like a single person or a duo. Yeah. Yeah.

But like, for a family of four, it was tight. But the kitchen was actually, even though it was small, I thought it was very cute. And it was updated, even though it only had two burners on the stove. And there was like a lot of light. And the tiling was really cute. So I was like not totally mad at this. It was tiny, but the place overall, I think was so cute. I was like Ronnie would love to live here.

I would. That's totally my style, that place. Yeah. So the first bedroom is real small, but they're going to make it the kids room. And Adrian's like, but that's too close to the door. and did she say Matthew would definitely leave? No, she says Fios would definitely leave. Oh, so, um, can you put a lock on it?

Can you lock your doors at all? So that way your child can't run off into the streets. Yeah. Lock your kid in his room or something. I mean, girl, if your kid's like got that big of a problem, I don't know. Lock him. Put a shot collar on him or something. Yeah.

And one of those invisible fences. Yeah. Now we're talking. It beeps. It beeps. And if he goes too far, it shocks him. Get a ring camera, you know? Something.

Come on. There's solutions. So she knocks off a bed knob. And they're like, oh, my God. Don't feel embarrassed or anything. I'm like, well, it's a knockoffable bed knob? Who has that? Fuck this place.

Get me out of here. Marta. What the hell kind of place you're showing me? Marta is just glaring. Like, of course, the Americans would come in and destroy a bed, like a bed knob. Yeah. Bed knob and a broom. stick. So then they go to another bedroom and there's like an arch in the ceiling. And

Adrian's like, wow, I don't think I've ever seen anything like this. Marta's like, Portuguese style. You've never heard of an arch before. You've never seen an arch. I'm American. Stupid. Stupid. So Matt's like, well, maybe I have high expectations, but this is not the large detached place I'm looking for with a nice garden space. And Marta goes, there's a bathroom. I don't like that. Love her. Oh, the bathroom does have a tub, and there's really cute tile in there, too. And Matt's like, this is a good place that you can hide with a glass of wine. And Adrian's like, or we can bade the children.

Maybe you're not familiar with that concept, since you never help out. No. And there's a surfboard hanging up in the living room. It's like a cute living room. Small. Again, it's small, but it's still cute. And Adrian goes, so the fireplace is nice. I would think in the Argarov, whatever, you wouldn't need it.

a fireplace, but I mean, whatever. And Marta's like, is very typical Portuguese style. He's fucking, I'm so glad an American could come here to tell me how we don't have fireplaces here. Awesome. Great. What have you been here in three days? In Portugal, we use fireplace not for heating, but to burn any remnants of American

culture we encounter. We just put it right in the fireplace and just pretend it never came into our beautiful town. So let's see here. There's a patio. Nice little patio. And Adrian's like, oh, it's nice out here. And there's like definitely a different view. And Marcia goes, I told you.

Marta's outwardly hostile to this family. But they're, she's so, because Adrian's kind of bitchy too. She's like, I mean, that's just nice. Look at the patio, honey. I'm guessing the sea is somewhere out here. Because the view here is just the street with the cars all over it and another apartment. So surely the sea's here somewhere, right? March is like, are you talking about the sea or the sea word?

Because I think I see the sea word. I see two of them right here, standing in front of me. And Matt's like, why do the chimneys look like that? And she's like, Portuguese style. Jesus Christ. Did you not see the little box on the screen? Arabs were here. But we find out from Linda, the ornamental chimneys in the Algarve are often shaped like minarets,

which are towers attached to mosques. stupid Americans think they're terrorists and want to live in them. So I like that these people did like no research about Portugal. They just came here and were like, why does it look like that? Why is it shaped like that? So Adrian's like, I think I like this place more than Matthew does. And he goes, definitely, it's way too small. I'm coming here to work and I actually need to get some work done.

Don't you have an office? Don't you have a farm that you work on? Yeah. Like what are you doing on your laptop that will make the tomatoes grow? So he is basically like, I think we could afford something a little bit bigger and nicer, stupid Marta. So now they're walking around and they're walking by a bunch of crab boxes and he's like, can't get fresh crab and Spokane. I was like, yeah.

When I think of the Pacific Northwest, you know what I always think of? no fresh seafood whatsoever. That Pacific Northwest, just like a seafood desert. Yeah, why is he saying that? Why is he acting like that? I don't know. He's like, all we eat are hamburgers. Hey, do you have any hamburger boxes?

We've got those in Spokane. He goes, wow, I mean, crabs, fishing villages. This is insane, guys. And there's a cat who's meowing. It's like a cat on a roof who's like, meow. The animal work on this episode was fantastic. The animals really, really showed up. There was a very special moment later that I can't wait to get to.

But Matt is like, yeah, the Algarve is like really chill. I mean, it's very family-oriented and it's really diverse. And they just cut to a shot of an old white guy. I was like, okay, well, maybe. I've been wondering about that too. I was like, wow, there's young white people and older white people. Thanks, house hunters. Thank you for shows.

And so great example of diversity. It's diverse in age, you know. So Adrian's like, you know, on the beach you see all these families, which is nice. And Matt's like, and we can raise our kids multicultural. And she goes, yeah, I'm bilingual. And we don't have to like, we don't live next to the ocean back home. So that's a really big difference. I mean, they have fish here.

He's like, oh, my God, they have fish here. You know what they have here that they don't have in Washington State coffee? And Matt's like, he's like, yeah, the beach is like the perfect place to raise the kids because it's like a giant sandbox. Why does he make me so angry? He does me too. So they're in the car. Marta, the whole way they do this is they're in one car.

Marta is in a different car and they talk over the speakerphone. And Marta is just giving them the dirtiest looks on the speakerphone. It's hilarious. She will not let them in her car. She's not going to drive them around. She's like, no, you stay in an American car. I stay in beautiful Portuguese car. Yeah, she's just in her car.

alone practicing her disapproving faces. And she's telling us, I understand Adrienne because she's a mom, and I know she's looking for her family. Unfortunately, she married an idiot. Matt is like a big kid, so it's challenging. You know, it's always finding cute things to make fun of. Very, very hilarious. So house number two is a five-minute walk to the beach.

It's a 15-minute drive to the school, not bad. It's in, like, Armazzo de Pada. and it's a two bedroom, two bath, and there's even a little garden plot. And Matt's like, I think we have a different definition of garden. And Marcha's like, I think we have different definition of a man. Yeah.

And she's like, you're going to have garden right here in the front. And he's like, oh, yeah, not going to work. And she's like, they're a swimming pool. And he goes, is it private? And she's like, no, it's shared, but you can make some friends. Okay. And the price is exactly $1,600. hundred dollars you like oh i'm fuck i'm sorry that your um house that's a five minute walk

from the sea from the ocean is uh at this price does not also come with a private pool for you to unbelievable this guy your low budget minutes from the ocean it might as well be right on the freaking ocean you piece of crap and he's like why can't we why can't we with this like desirable a location also have a private pool for this low budget we want. So there is a fish tank and a couple of fish that come with the house, which don't trust that. Don't trust it. I don't trust living things that come with houses. You know, I think I've seen enough horror movies to know that if someone's like, oh, I come

with the house. I've been with his house for 70 years. You're like, it's haunted. So this is haunted by some fish. Yeah. Oh, God, fish haunting would be the worst. Yes. Dead-eyed fish haunting.

So, um, it's pretty dothal, but it's just the worst. The kitchen's big, but it's really dated, you know, I don't, this place isn't as cute. It's much more old looking, but it is bigger. There's more functional. It's more functional, but it's, yeah, it's, it's not as cute as the first one. And, um, you know, Adrian likes the light in the, in the patio and everything. And then they go to the bathroom and there's like a shower. And Matt's like, that's not a shower.

This is a broom closet. Yeah, shut up, man. I can't. Okay. You're thin. You'd be quiet. So then there's a bidet and he's like, we can sell our stocks in toilet paper we've been hoarding. And Marta's like, whatever you want.

At least he didn't think it was a sink. I thought he was going to be like, what's that? I was actually very impressed if he knew it was a bidet. And so then they got the primary bedroom is large, you know, and there's like a big bed and they're like, Adrian's like, oh, it's bouncy. And he's like, we could use that to our advantage. March is like, hold on one second, hold on. Let me get my face ready.

Hold on, here we go. It felt good. That felt very good. And there's like a gamer chair on this big corner desk thing. Yeah, what was that? And he's like, is this traditional Portuguese? She's like, oh, I hate you so much. Not Portuguese style.

Okay, you got me to say it. And he goes, yeah, more of an antique. And he sits and he starts spinning around in the chair because he's wacky and that's what wacky people do. And he's like, I think he stares down into the living room or a hazard. You want a pool with two tiny children. There is no bigger hazard than a pool with two tiny children, you jackass. Why don't you just ask them for a bedroom with electricity holes big enough that they can stick their fingers into? I was going nuts every time they looked at like a single step.

I'm like, that's a hazard. I'm like, you want your children to be... raised surfing on the beach. And you're like, that's a hazard. The steps are hazard. Okay, here's a surfboard kid. Go play in the wild untamed ocean. Yeah.

So Matt's like, it's worrying me how positive Adrian's getting because she's really trying to get me into this one. And I'm not going to take it. So then there's like the small, tiny little outdoor space with a chain link fence around it, which, you know, granted is not great. It was not charming. And it's not, there's also not a gate. To go out of the fence? It's like a cage. It is literally like it's the, it is like a chain link fence to style almost like like a base.

Like if you go to a park and there's like a baseball diamond or something. And it's like painted green. Like if there's a fire and you're running out and you're like, oh my God, there's a fire in the front of the house. You would have to run out and climb the fence. Like it just doesn't make it. It's weird. It's weird. It's not great.

It's a strange touch. And Matt's like what he's based like, well, it's a great. place for kids to run, but not for growing crops. I'm like, if you wanted to grow crops, why are you moving to a city? Just answer me that. Yeah, and they have grocery stores here, okay, Spokane? Like, with your, like, I'm going to grow my one thing of lettuce and my five tomatoes. Like, go to the fucking store like everybody else. You don't need your fucking garden, okay? Yeah. Shut up with your farm to stupid produce. So, because then you're stuck with your tomatoes. Nobody wants to eat your fresh covered in shit tomatoes. Nobody. Nobody.

wants to. I'm sorry to all of you people out there who were excited about the one pickle you grew outside or whatever the hell. But I don't want to eat it. Yeah. And by the way, also, especially no one in Portugal, where I'm sure they have people who are like making beautiful, like, it's like going

to Italy and being like, I want a plot of, I want a little garden out back so I can grow some tomatoes. And you're like, hey, you want to try my homegrown tomatoes when it's like Italy and all the tomatoes are like delicious and amazing and people have been doing it for hundreds of years and know how to make a proper tomato. And he is coming with his like, the single tomato he grew in his porch, no wants it.

It's like telling your Italian neighbor. Hey, you should come over to my house. I'm going to make some pasta. They're like, oh, fuck off. You know, just fuck off. So there is a pool there, but it's a shared pool. And Adrian is smarter. So she's like, well, that's how kids meet each other at the pool.

You go to the pool. You see other kids. And that's good. And more parents to keep an eye on the kids. Yeah. So, but he's like, he's like, well, she goes, I really like the house. I think it's mad because is it considered a house? Because it's still attached.

Okay. It's like nothing extravagant. It's just, I like that's close to the beach, but we'll just like suffer. We'll let home. Oh, I'm sorry you're going to suffer in your house with its pool and it's one step in the living room. A hundred percent. How are you going to survive? So Marta's like, well, he says, I want it.

Marta just gives him a dirty. which is hilarious. She's like, die. And, yeah, and he's like, I want a detached house with farmland, okay? I mean, listen, for the right location, there isn't a limit. It's like there is a limit, though, Matt. You're like you're a farmer, you make a certain, your money is limited. Yeah.

There's a budget limit, sorry. So he's like, I mean, so I'm sorry everybody. So Adrian's like, your feelings on money, I mean, not to answer it for you. He goes, you're about to. She goes, well, but you don't value money and some people do. Guys, he's a dreamer, which is great, because it's gotten us to where we are. I'm like, where are you? Where are you?

You literally just bust over to Portugal. Like, nobody even, you don't even know where you are. You didn't even Google this place first. What did you just wake up and throw you on the Greyhound this morning? Yeah, yeah, where exactly are you? She's like, married to the air to a dairy fortune. Matt Butters. So March is like, okay, idiots, I have the other option that is bigger and it is a completely independent house on a pile of sand.

Okay, you're ready to go? So they go over there. And before we do that, we see Matt Cliff diving. I'm like, God forbid, all of a sudden, the people who are worried about the hazard of like a stair, like two steps in their living room now diving off of a cliff into water. Yeah. And he's like, oh, my God, you're so close to the beach wherever you're at here. Our expectations are high, so it's going to be tough. But, you know, we're away from family, so we've got to make it worth it.

And Adrian goes, yeah, we only have each other. So that's going to be great. What am I doing? What am I doing? Because I'm always trying to face my fears head on, like my fear of my son falling over down one step of staircase. And even in sports that I like pursuing and surfing or like using napkins, I like to face my fears head on and getting involved in an international opportunity. is risk, but a lifetime opportunity that I just couldn't turn down. It gives me a chance

to set the standard of, for large-scale medical cultivation. Now, I will say Matt is kind of an ass, but I have to give him credit where credit is due. He's hot. He's hot. He's really cute. This is him like, paddleboarding shirtless. And I was like,

okay, like I can see it. You go, Adrian. So Adrian's like, yeah, he's really super passionate about it. And he says, yeah, weed, I love weedy, weed, weed, weed, weed, weed, we know. HGTV is like, this isn't really our brand, but we'll just pretend like we didn't notice that.

So Matt's like, I love gardening. It's what I do from my profession. So like without being able to garden at home, like I'm not sure how that's going to play out for us. Well, then go to a, don't try to get an apartment on a shoestring budget on the beach and then be like, oh, why can't I grow a crop here?

Yeah. So Marta's like, well, Adrian's a reasonable one. Matt's dreaming too much for the opportunity. I want to show him what he wants. It's far from the beach, but it's his own house. So let's go see, because it's too expensive too. So let's see what this stupid thing does. So she's like, oh, now look, house number three.

And Adrian, so they go to this, like, farm. And it's only 20 minutes away from the beach, but apparently in this tiny place, that is very far, because it looks totally different. It really is like... There's a horse walking with like a seagull on its back. I was like, wow, this is like Appalachia for Portugal right now. They're like, oh, you got the seagulls on the horses.

Yeah. And it doesn't look like super fertile land either. It looks kind of like a desert farm. It says. Yeah. So Marta's like, okay, well, this is 20 minutes driving through the beach and 15 minutes to school. And Adrian's like, I mean, I kind of like that. I hear animals.

Is that animals? She goes, oh, you'll be hearing lots of animals. And Marta's saying it like, yeah, have fun, fuckers living on a fucking farm. You're never going to choose this. It's like a pack of wild dogs attacking each other. She's like, yes, we have over in this area. We have wild dogs. In this area, we have rabbit dogs.

And this area, we have rabbit dogs fighting wild dogs. And in this area, this is just little white birds riding on larger animals. They just love it over there. Yeah, and Matt's like, oh my God, stab me in the face. I wanted three bedrooms. And this one is 150 over budget. And he's like, but, you know, I do like that there's a farm. Well, his wife is looking at it like, who's going to take care of all this land?

Me. Who's going to clean this big ass house? Me. Who's going to be out there picking up miniature horse shit? Me. Okay. This guy's not going to do anything. Yeah, she's like, well, I mean, it's over budget, but that's okay.

need to do any traveling, we can just stay home because we can't afford to do anything. He's like, yeah, exactly. So now they're walking through. So it's opposite, it's a house, so it's bigger, so it's nice. The kitchen's very cute. There's, again, lots of Portuguese tile. That's really lovely and bricks and high ceilings and counter space. And then Adrian's like, oh, and there's a friend on the ceiling, and there's like a grasshopper up there. And Marta's like, we are in countryside, so you have to get used to that bitch. I mean, Listen, I don't like it either. Let's be honest.

It's like Portugal style, you idiot. Hey, she's like, you idiot. This is supposed to be the shitty house that your husband's not supposed to like. Okay, just go with it, okay? I know. And she's, now this step down into the living room is much smaller, but still, Adrian's like, oh, my God, I don't like that step down. It's like you were just fine with the step down and the other one, and it was much steeper. Yes.

Just fine with it. Still a little concerned about the kids. What if they fall once? and then learn that you can't go running over steps. What if that happens? Yeah, but you know it's totally safe for babies to be around farm animals. Just send them out there. A pack of wild dogs outside attacking each other.

Sevi is going to get eaten by that miniature horse or something. I know. So then Matt's just being awful. He's like pretending a carpet is a surfboard because I guess it's the first time he's seen an area rug. So he's like really thrilled. And then he's like, there should be a bear mounted on this fireplace. Oh, God. Would you settle for an otter?

Because I'll mount you above that fireplace. So, Marta's like, oh, and there's a loft there. I was thinking that could be our office space, Matt. And he's like, but you can hear me up here. And guess what that means? I can hear you. And he smiles, but he's being an asshole, like usual. And Adrian goes, yeah, that's a problem.

And Marta goes, well, I was thinking of this room being the kid's room. And there's kind of like a ladder stair thing. And I like that Marta's just like wanting to put the kids in danger at every moment. At this point, she's like, I can't wait to see your kids climb up this ladder at two years old. Adrian's like, those stairs are dangerous. So Matt's just like, oh, we'll just put a gate on the stairs. Problem solved. I'm like, we'll put a gate on you, Matt.

That's how we solve our problem. I meant it's hot. So he's like leaning up against a ceiling beam. He's like, let me just flex for a minute here. I was like, okay, you're likable and your arms down. I hate you again. So he's like, so this house is great. Adrian's just not admitting it because she, because of the price, it's too expensive.

And she's like, well, I mean, this room's good. And goes, yeah, there's two sinks. You can go ahead and trash yours and I can keep mine clean. Dick. The shower is amazing. It's like a walk-in shower and it's got like mosaic tiling. So it's like, that's a good shower, I have to say. And then they have a giant swing pool up back that has this sort of like ramshackle canopy over it.

And it's nice and everything, but there's no fencing. So Adrian's like, well, now I have to keep an eye on the kids all day long within the backyard. So they're either running from rabid dogs or drowning in the pool. Really excited about this. Yeah, and they talk about it being rocky out there, but he's like, I can change it. I'm a master gardener. And Adrian's like, oh, this is not us on the same page. This is overwhelming with the kids and everything.

And he's like, I mean, it's a little bit. distance from the beach, but isn't it worth it to have more privacy? No, it's not. You just want her stuck there and unable to go have fun without you all day. She's going to literally be stuck with the beach. At least she could walk the beach, walk around the market, new people talk. I think he's, I think he's trying to keep her separated there. I'm saying it. Okay. Yeah. I think he's trying to separate her from the world. He's like, I think what makes us work is there were opposites. Like, without her, I'd probably get into trouble.

And without me, she'd probably have a little bit more of a mundane life. I was like, she'd probably have a happy life. I think that's the word you were looking for. A mundane. How dare you? You're the one who's forced you're to stay at home. You're so interesting, Matt. You surf and you have tattoos.

Whoa. You like weed? That is so interesting. It's so unique, Matt. I know. Loser. I'm curious with this guy. I know.

He's terrible. this guy. I thought this was going to be a fun-loving episode where I was going to love them. I just know, Matt. I know. He really was terrible. So then now it's time to deliberate. So they both agree. Like, the house number one is just too small, like, good vibes, but not for us. They just crossed that one off. So now it's between house number two, which she wants and house number three, which he wants. So house number two, she's like, well, there's like, by the way, there's a guitar in the living room. And I think that's calling your name. The house comes with the guitar. And that's when we cut to him playing the guitar. And Marta, just looking at it like I'm going to change professions and leave this country now. I've lost my love for this. So they decide to get rid of the, oh, here's my note. He has me nice. Okay. So then they decide that the modern apartment is not great.

So they X that one. Did you already say this? I did say that. Yeah. I'm sorry. I totally farted in my brain. Okay. So space for the kid, guitar in the room, right?

You said that already. Okay, so he's like, you're very convincing. Strike two, Martha. I didn't like that second place either. So now, of course, he's only going to settle for the country home, right? Right. And she's like, but please no. And she's like, you made me move for your career and you promised me the beach and the lifestyle.

And he's like, well, I'm pretty convinced. Yeah. And she goes, oh, on the semi-detached house. He goes, good joke. So she's like, but it's realistic. It's close to the beach. And, you know, to be there every day, that's like, why we moved here. It's like a good option.

And he goes, but the great option would be the country house that's in the middle of the Martian landscape up there in the north and blazing hot with the death trap pool. Hello. And she was like, but it's far and the farm doesn't seem manageable. And he goes, I'm literally a farm manager. And she goes, oh, my God, but you do that at work. Like, you don't have to do that at home. And, you know, the kids can make friends at the other home.

Like, who are they going to make friends with here, a horse? And he's like, disagree. My kids need space to run. He's terrible. She's terrible. She's raising your children, sir. You're bringing her to a foreign land. She doesn't, they don't know anybody. You're such an asshole.

So then she's like, well, they would get lost in the country home. And we'd have to go on a search. But I can tell what you want and what you're looking for. And of course, it's the match show. So then basically, she resigning. I can't believe you're letting him get away with this. You suck. And your whole, oh, I control the money. Bullshit, you do. You control nothing. You made the biggest mistake of your life. I can't believe you married this fucking loser. And guess what? He has you out in that house in the middle of nowhere. So you can make, you can be friends with nobody. He's going to take the only car for the day. And he's going to go fuck somebody else within two seconds. Because to people there, like some new guy, some fresh meat who works out all the time and is that hot is going to get some. Okay. He's going to be cheating on you in two seconds. So have. fun at your farm out in the middle of

goddamn nowhere. You idiot, Adrian. You idiot. Yeah, she goes, as long as I can be by the pool with a glass of wine, I guess it'll be okay for me. She's like, okay, well, if this is going to be my life, I'm going to get myself wasted because I've, I've given up. I've given up. It's going to be your house. It's just going to be, I'm going to

put in one solid year of living in Portugal and then I'm filing for divorce. I wish. I hope so, for her sake, because this looks miserable. So I hope that there's, There's a farmer down the way that's really hot and single and she needs to borrow some sugar or something. I hope so, too. But the house.

I'm hoping she escapes. The house is nice, by the way. It's a cute house. It just it totally does not address any of her needs or wants. Yeah. What's the thing? It's like you control somebody enough and make them move where you want to do your stupid weed business. And it's not even your business, by the way.

You're just working somewhere. And you don't even let her live by the. damn beach or make a friend. Gross. Let her have her beach access. Even though she did say she'd be okay with a 15 minute drive. Still, let her have her beach access. Let her go out there and read her chicklet on the beach.

Although that sounded so, that's not even the distance. It's the farm. It's the taking care of the animals on the farm. I think to make somebody do, like I'm already raising your children. Now I have to raise your fucking horse. That's not even yours. Like, gross. Steve, that gross.

Marcia, save her. Save her, Marta. Yeah, Marta. Get in there. I hope Marta does. Show up with one of those white vans like on Dr. Phil. And be like, don't worry, I'm kidnapping. You'll just be quiet. I'm taking you to Madera. You're going to get her the hell out of there. All right, everybody. Well, thanks so much for being here.

If you do want to go watch this, don't forget, the episode name is... Global Growing in Portugal. Househunter's International, Volume 7 on Max. Yes. And thank you so much for being here with us for 100 plus and all that good stuff. We love you guys and we will talk to you next time. Bye. Bye.