Watch What Crappens - Dwell Hello #313: Purchasing in Paducah

Episode Date: June 28, 2023

*Dwell Hello is our twice a month podcast for Wondery+! In this episode of House Hunters (S102E11), Josh and Clint want to own a home in Paducah, Kentucky. Will they take enough time off from bragging about the town's squirrel symphony to find their dream home? We watched this episode on Max!Find bonus episodes at patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens and follow us on Instagram @watchwhatcrappens @ronniekaram @benmandelker Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Oh, hello, and welcome to Dwell. Hello. It's me, Ronnie, and that's Ben over there. Hi, Ben. Hi, Ronnie. How are you? Good. Thank you, honey. Everybody, welcome to the show. We are from Watch What Crapins. This is our House Hunters podcast. Dwell. Hello. I love doing this show. We've been doing a lot of House Hunters International this season. And so we decided to go back to some regular H-H-H. good old house hunters, and just see Americans being stupid in America and not necessarily in other countries. You know, you watch Nuff House Hunters International, you start getting this real xenophobic view that every place outside of America has just, like, shitty houses

with weird, outdated appliances, and just, like, gross, you know? Because it's, like, always, like, some tiny, strange, you know, apartment with, like, a toilet that's in the kitchen, and strange staircases and no air conditioning, you're like, uh, Americans have it the best.

And then you watch House Hunters and you're like, oh, no, never mind. And we're at the bottom of the totem pole still. Yeah, we definitely are. And this week is a Paducah. Now this, we love Paducah because that is where, uh, that chick from top chef, Sarah from Kentucky, uh, that is where she's from. She's from Paducah.

And she talks about it all the time. People from Paducah, love Paducah. I don't know. So far, everyone we've seen now, 100% of people on television from Paducah, fucking love Paduca. By the way, before we get into it, this is called The Best Way to Search for These Episodes, just go on to either Max, Discovery Plus, or YouTube TV, and search the title, Purchasing in Paducah.

Because they're numbered differently on all the services and they're pain in the ass. For Max, it's labeled Season 102 Episode 11, but just search purchasing in Paducah. You'll find it. And I also just want to add on Max that even if you're still having trouble, you can find it in House Hunters Volume 4 because for some strange reason, they silo groups of episodes into volumes on Max. I don't know why. I hate it, but that's just the lot we have in life. That's how they do it for all Househunters anyway. They're all in one Discovery Plus, too.

That's what I meant. Well, it's, yeah. But yeah, they have volumes. There's so many. There's like nine zillion of these. A billion. A billion, just, it's ridiculous. So, but yeah, this is Paduca.

Paduca made famous recently by Sarah from Top Chef. And on top of that, as an extra bonus, it's gays. It's gays in Paduca. So we just knew we had to do this one. Yeah, this is Pride Month. And so we thought, hey, how do we celebrate pride other than, you know, with penises? around us and inside of us. And the answer to that is by mocking gaze.

So let's do it. So now, I don't know if Paduca has cocaine in their water. I don't know if they give out free peanut emms, but literally no one from Paduca hates it. They all think it's like the most amazing place ever. We see a ton of shots of Paduca. They're like, let's fill these people with Paduca pride.

And then it'll be like a washrag on a stick. And people are like, oh my God, It's the Paducah flag. I don't know if they're all tripping balls over there or what. Yeah, it's like the Paduca Parade. They have like Paduca Town Pride, but it's every month. It's like, oh, my God, are you going to Paduca Pride Parade today? Oh, don't worry.

There's another one next month. Oh, my God. Happy Paduca Monday. So we start with Linda saying, Clint and Josh are on the hunt in Paducah, Kentucky. Josh wants something vintage. But husband Clint? Not so much. Will they go for a more updated home with moderate conveniences? Or will they live in squalor the way that Josh wants? Josh likes his character, but his husband Clint rolls his eyes a lot. Josh likes his character only in houses. In men, he likes bitter, horrid, eye-rolling little snotts.

Josh is looking to find some qualities in a house that he can't find in his lover, mainly character and charm. something, the toilet is shaped like something that Clint should go back into his shell, because honestly, he really talks a lot. Clint, I was really worried that Clint was going to be just terrible because in the beginning, all they really show are, they'll be like, look at this room, and then they'll show Clint going, like, with his eyes. And I was like, this guy's going to be fucking terrible. He's not as bad as I thought he was going to be.

No. They're both not as bad as you would think they would be, but they're both not as bad as you would think they would be, but they both are equally not as good as you would think they would be either. You know, I love Josh. I have to say. Really? Clint, I like Clint. After watching this, first of all, I don't think I've ever said I didn't, I don't

think I've ever said I like them more than I thought. That's actually a very nice, surprising thing to hear myself say, because it's usually not that way. I'm like, oh, my God, they're even worse than I gave them credit for. But I really like Josh. I think he has a very sweet smile about him. He has a sweet smile, but his dedication to charm and character in a house is so overbearing that I started to feel like so much of his life is probably passive-aggressive. He just will not shut up about like, oh, this is charm, this is charm, this is charm, this is charm, and then maybe you get a, oh, this is character, this is character.

I was like, okay, we get it. You want your charm, you want your character, you love your crown moldings. Okay, but then you have Clint, on the other hand, who is a vocal coach. But it was also, like, clearly came into this project saying, like, oh, my God, you know, I was in Ourtown in 10th grade. I know how to act. And I am going to sell this persona, honey for Paduca. Well, we see them walking around. That's how it opens. Like, that's because it's Paduca so they can't be like, okay, here they are on the famous Paducah. I don't know if they're in blank. You know, yeah. So they're just like walking, they just show them walking around the same block over and over again and pretending it's a different block. which is cute. So they're walking around the block the first time. And we see a close-up of an old-timey train.

This is not like a train. This is like a train from things where they used to tie people onto the train tracks. And like a guy with a swirling mustache would be like swirling it or twirling it rather. This is that kind of train. This is not a charming, adorable train, like the one that goes through Napa Valley and you drink wine on it. And it's like adorable and sort of special. Cardi. This is a train that used to deliver coal, and then the train broke, and it's just, now it's just there. This is like the alcoholic washed up Thomas. This is a Marriott Marquis for hobos, okay?

So then we see a cat playing a fiddle. Wait. What? So then we go to Josh and Clint, and Josh, this is the kind of gay as they are, and gay people will understand these descriptions. Josh is a Target hoodie gay And Clint is a sweater with no undershirt gay Those are two very specific types of gays And I'm impressed that they're married I have to say

So they are also one thing that is happening on this episode Not only do they love Paduca But they're really trying to sell us on the idea That Paducaa is like a hub of American culture Like this is up there with New York City Like this is up there like the Cleveland Orchestra or whatever because they're like, so what do you want to do this weekend?

The other one's like, anyone else. It's like, hi, Clint, that was rude. Sorry, I learned that in 10th grade improv. So they are like, yeah, we're going to go see a live show.

Can we make it a dead show and can it star you? God, Clint. Geez. I hear they'd be playing dueling banjos on the abandoned train. Want to bring a lawn chair out? Can we play? dueling banjos on an abandoned Josh because I'm pretty much done with you. It's like, geez, Clint, come.

Clint, come on. Come on. Go too hard. So he's like, I'm Josh and this is my husband Clint. And Clint's like, we've been all. We met on a social media site about six years ago. And we got married how many months ago? He's like, a few months ago in DC and in my scene, please let's not pretend that you don't hold the exact number of days above my head every single day.

Like he doesn't remember the date. This fucker. Thanks for that micro-nege that you just gave me. I'm not remember when we got married. It was just two months ago. So Josh is like, I'm in sales and marketing. I'm sales and marketing director for a local nursing facility. And we just see him.

Oh, I don't think you mentioned this. They also are an Argyle couple. This is where they bond because Clint is wearing an Argyll sweater. But when we see Josh at work, he's wearing a different Argyll sweater. So it was probably like when they met on what I'm assuming was like connection.com. They were like, Hey, do you like Argyl? I love Argyl. Are you kidding me? Are you an Argyll head too? Of course I am. We got a mate. An Argyll head. Are you an Argyll head? Are you an Argyll? What would you call yourself? Being an Argyll fan. So he says, yeah, I'm a sales marketing director for a local nursing home facility. And then we see him on the phone in his Argyll. And he's like, we might have room for your mother in the nursing home soon. I was like, oh my God, he's even obsessed with old people.

He only wants old people, old homes. He probably won't even eat fresh food. He's probably like, wants only used food, like, to take out stuff, you know? Like, you eat Clint and then I'll eat the rest of it in the take home box when we get home. I think it's lovely that he is someone who is involved with placing people in nursing homes. Unfortunately, the nursing home is the abandoned train. So, like, it's a big, it's a brutal surprise. I feel like they have a future home.

And Clint isn't only a private vocal, he's not only vocal instructor. He's a private vocal instructor. And then we cut to his vocal instructing. And I think he's coaching the football coach, or the football quarterback, who is being forced to play Rolf in the sound of music. That's a punishment. That guy is in his own teen movie and is like, you know what, sir? Because you were mean.

because you did a prank and you burned down at the bleachers, you have to be Ralph now, and you might meet a girl who's nerdy who might fall in love with. Okay, now go to the vocal coach. And Clint is one of those, I think, a faker vocal coaches. My guess is he can't sing very well because they all do fake sounding things. And goes, okay, okay, quarterback, I want to hear this. Oh, like, what? Come on.

And then the guy is like, ah. Well, in 10th grade, I did have a starring role and give my regards to Broadway. And yes, I did sing, she's a grand old flag. She's a high-flying flag. I didn't remember the lyrics. So it was a dozen wave. So how that one ended. So I just make sure to impart that to everybody.

So Josh is like, we live in Paducah, Kentucky, which is on the western side of Kentucky near the Mississippi border. And Clint's like, it's a very neat city. We have a local community center, or what I call it, a student farm. I go in there, I boo during Oklahoma, and then I leave my card on windshields and suggest singing lessons. Works every time. Yeah, we have a community theater, and then we also have a very large performing art center, and we have a local symphony that's very successful. It's all raccoon-based, actually.

What happens to the raccoon show up, and we give them violins, and sometimes they make beautiful music. It's wonderful. Sometimes we'll just put a bunch of squirrels. on a tin roof and listen to them crawl across and listen to the rhythm it makes. Have you ever heard a skunk play accordion? It's just the most, it's like an angel. I don't know why Beethoven never wrote any parts for the accordion. And then we stop in a sound, a sign in Times Square that says,

the $5 that bought Paducah. Okay. Can I just say this is the most long-winded fucking sign I've ever seen in my life? It's so long. It's like a little billboard, and it tells literally a whole story of somebody buying this town for $5. $5 to be the future quilt capital and Performing Arts Center of America. So Linda's like, they like it so much of Paducah. They want to buy instead of continuing to rent.

Now, just let that sink in for a moment. These two people actually want to invest money into Paducah. Okay, just think about it. Just think. And Josh is like, we are tired of throwing money away. I was like, oh, God, I love how he's so tired. He's putting three periods in a sentence, you know. He's really over it.

Sorry to interrupt. This Linda again. Just a reminder, Josh, you say you're tired of throwing money away, but you want to invest in real estate in Paducah. Okay, just want to let that sink in even further. So we cut to them looking at houses online, and Josh is like, well, that one's an absolute note for me. And Clint's like, why? And goes, because it's a ranch-style home. It just makes me want to drink it.

It's like, oh, honey. Well, I want a Cape Cod style home. You know, it looks like a nice potato chip, okay? And I want room separation. Yeah, room separation is very important to me. I'm very anti-open floor plan. Every time he says anti-open flora plan, it sounds like he's making a political statement, right? Because most people say I don't like open floor because he's like, I'm anti-open floor plan.

Okay, what is going on with this country? I've got to take back this place. And I think I have so. I live in an open floor plan, but I have been saying for years that has got to go out of fashion soon. At some point, people are just going to be sick of people seeing how dirty our kitchens are, you know? So I think that they're on their way out.

I think Josh was on the forefront of this movement. I'm going to go ahead and give him the credit, even though I kind of want to take it. My friend Daria does not like open floor plans and she got a house that is non-open floor plan. And it's adorable. It's, I think there's a tremendous amount of value in like, um, distinct rooms, et cetera. But I just think it's hilarious that Josh is just the way he just phrases it, anti-open floor.

I'm very anti-open floor plan. He's like donating to super PACs. Well, just like room separation is very important to me. Oh, okay. Jeez. Wow. So Clint is like, well, I like open floor plans. My style would be a craftsman top home just because it utilizes natural earth material and earth tones.

Just the way the mud is caked up on those walls and you go under those thatched doors, you know, fash roofs and those wooden doors. It's like, what is he talking about? He also prefers new construction where Josh is vintage all the way. That means ugly. And Josh is like, well, we're standing in the living room of our rental property. And what I love about it is that they stuck some original design elements like crown mold and trance and wind them, baseboards, that cockroach over there. There's a rat you can hear running under the floor. I love that stuff.

What I love about these original touches, you know, like the cram molding, is that it just really pairs well with all this brown furniture and knobby, torturer lamps that we put in here. Can I also just say there's nothing. They keep talking about how much there is to do in Paducah. And God bless the Paducah, Board of Commerce who got this shit to Paducah in the first place. But I don't think I remember a house hunters where they actually stand in the house that they're currently renting and then say compare it to what they want. So they start with him doing it. He's like, I'm standing in the living room right now. And yeah, I noticed this too. I was like,

what's up with the hard sell on your rental? You don't even own this place. Then they cut to Clint. And Clint's like, where my current kitchen right now? And what I like about this kitchen is that it's open. I was like, can you not even go outside on the street? Is there a beaver doing its laundry on one of those old washboard laundry things. Like, what's happening out there? Yeah. And he's like, and Clint is like, if I had my way, I would have a pantry where I could have food.

And then on the bottom, hear me out. A space for small appliances that need to be tucked away. That would be my thing. And Linda, by the way, had said, since they're both handy and love Argyle, a minor fixer is in play. If Josh can get Clint on board. Also, if the architectural plan looks like several diamonds adjacent to each other. right because wow

at first you think like god they're asking a lot but they're like and our budget is about seven dollars and then also by the way when they say when she says that they are they're like a minor fixers in play because they're both handy Josh clarifies he's like you know we can do like cosmetic changes like not like tearing down walls or changing plumbing or

running gas lines or painting gas lines or painting things or using a hammer and a screwdriver. But, you know, we could do, we could like, we could put like a sconce in somewhere, maybe a bowl on the table. I know. Like, Josh, are you even bringing a Swiffer to this house? Like, are you willing to do like literally anything? So also, I have to point out, Clint, when Clint goes, where my current kitchen?

And I like the way it's open. It is not open. It's not an open kitchen. It is a square room with the door. Okay. It's not open. Open means it. He's calling it open because it doesn't have an island in the middle.

Listen, it's not a galley kitchen, so we'll give them that. It's a square, but it's not open. He's like, I kind of wish these walls were not so like, I wish they were just more angled, you know? Like, I just want it to be another Argyle diamond, don't you? Yes, I just want that. You know, also it's really ugly, I have to say. So Clint's like, so as you can see, yeah, I need, I need appliances. I need somewhere to put appliances.

says, also, we also agree we need a better bathroom. And Josh goes, yeah, and also a bathroom with a shower instead of having a shower in a utility room. I was like, oh my God, Paduca. What's going on? Padoca, treat your gays better. Okay, I need Paducah to have a town meeting at the library and say, who's gay? Raise your hands. How can we help you? I know, I feel like the gays have been left out in the cold and paduca. You guys don't have older gays there to teach you taste and where to put your appliances and like not to live in places with showers in in the fucking utility rooms now let's just like for people who have not watched let let me just explain that when we see they're they're there they're like you know on suite bathroom and there's like a tub and then

when you see the shower the shower is literally some sort of like shower stall has been installed adjacent to like the washing machine and also a stack of dog food and the shower stall isn't even like a, I don't think it was even glassed in. I think it was like a stall, but had like a curtain. It was like a, it's one of those like fiberglass things you buy at Lowe's and it's not even like bolted into the wall. It's just kind of standing. It's like a hose and a plastic cage.

It's like what you go into if you've just touched something radioactive. It's like literally a silkwood shower that they have in there. Yeah. That's there. Now, admittedly, this play, listen, this episode also was looked like it was filmed like 2008. So many years have passed. And I'm sure at some point. Well, I'm hoping, Ronnie, someday we will go to Paducah because we want to go to Sarah's restaurant.

And also, I firmly believe Paducah is much more charming than this glimpse into it is. And we will check in and make sure that the gays are doing okay because this just cannot stand. Well, I hope after this a bunch of gays were like, you know what, we need to go save that town. I hope a bunch of gays moved to Paduca after seeing this and we're like, we're revitalizing Paducah. You know? Talk about a great musical. Wow, I'll pay money to see that on Broadway. Isn't that a plot?

So then they're talking about these cosmetic lines and stuff like that. And a garage reclint, a large laundry room, wood-burning fireplace, and wood floors are the key. Even though wood-burning fireplaces could set the wood floors on fire. I get how dangerous this all sounds, but let's just go with it. They're Paducagays. I know. And then so you're like, okay, that's, okay, this is getting kind of long, but that's great. And they're like, oh, also we have two dogs.

We have Cooper, because of course we have a dog named Cooper. Look at us. If you looked at us and thought we don't have a dog named Cooper, you're seriously mistaken. And he's a Labradoodle. And we also have Zola. She's a Chinese Sharpay. And she's like our little sack of wrinkles. And Clint's like having dogs impacts our hunt because they need a yard.

And then Josh goes, preferably with the fence. Well, yeah. Yes, you need a fucking yard with the fence, you dodo bird with two dogs. What are you going to do, chain them to a tree? Also, I was wondering why are they so obsessed with a wood for burning fireplace? I think it's because I don't want to pay the gas bill. I think so, too. I've never heard of someone getting a house as cheap ever.

Yeah, can I say something? Okay, this is real judgy, but this is what we're here for. Okay, first of all, their budget is $200,000, which is really dirt cheap. Okay, even back in 2008, whenever this was. still really cheap. Okay. They are currently renting a place that clearly is so cheap that the shower is in the utility room, right? Like they're like, okay, we'll deal with a shower next to the laundry because we're going to save money. So they clearly have a very limited budget. And yet what they want in this house, their list of demands that they want is so big. Open concept, wood floors,

wood burning stove, big laundry room, garage, fenced in yard, jacuzzi, you know, bowling alley. I mean, I'm sorry, you guys want something for $200,000 is ridiculous. Okay, it's a long list, but I'm just going to play devil's advocate. They're really not hard to please. I mean, wood floors. I feel like every house there kind of has, I feel like every house there was built. when that's all, that was your only option. Right.

And then everything else we see them see or look at is completely gross. And they're like, amazing. Oh my God. I love these, these tiles on the ceiling. You know, like those paper tiles. What do they call them? They name them in this. Like drop ceiling.

Yes. They're like those weird drop ceiling like temporary tiles that look terrible. And you know what? That animals fall through, you know? And I'm going to devil advocate myself. I just realized, I was like, rather than being mean to these people, I should have extreme pity because their quote unquote laundry list is just like basic necessities. It's like, we want the floor. We want a door. Like the only thing, the only excessive thing that they ask for is a woodburning

fireplace. They're like, can we have a shower that's actually in the bathroom? And I'm like, how dare you ask for that? I was like, oh, oh, you guys have been really living into the fucked up space for a long time. I know. And they're looking for a garage, but only a one car because we find out that Josh is totally emotionally abused, by the way, in this relationship. So let's move on to it because there's a lot of stuff. But the first house is a craftsman, which they say they want to look at because it's an open floor plan. But crossfins, I mean, I guess it could be called kind of railroad open. But I don't know that they're always traditionally open, a craftsman, right?

I don't know. But like, I mean, I know that like, yeah, I don't know. And this one wasn't really a craftsman. It just had craftsmen features. Because when you look at it, it's like two stories. It's like very, it's a very strange looking building. It's sort of as like semi committed to making kind of like a porch with like little columns out front, but also not. And like the proportions all seem very strange.

Like this was like clearly on the vision board for Joe Gorga when he was building his house. Yeah. So they meet their realtor, Cindy. She's like, hi, what's y'all think? And Josh was like, this is a little cookie cutter for me. And Clint's like, yeah, he's more of a dough out of the bowl type. Got me to that. Free-form spoonbread type.

Oh, you guys, get in here. It's cute. And the price is nice. It's $180,000. And Clint's like, what did you say to me, slut? It's like, $180. Now, Cindy, that's so above our budget. How could you do like wait a second

The top of your budget is 200,000 She's already 20,000 under That's like I know, but Clint was like $200,000 over my dead God damn body $200,000 That's Josh Living one of his old people pill taking days Just thinks he can afford anything

You know, how much you think dying pays How much do you think a bunch of elderly people dying in front of you pays? Not much, I'll tell you that much Maybe if you sang a song or two You know, which you won't take a class for me that's for sure won't afford it and I know you're not taking class for me because I definitely saw you in the local production of anything goes guess what

anything did go and anything then went to hell so so everything blows as we called it in the community I'll tell you everyone went out of that nursing room because everyone died okay it was terrible so they walk into the this like great room. And so brown and tile floor everywhere. Brown, like tan, tan and yellows and just like gross colors like that are permeate this house. All the walls are kind of like a yellow or tote or not really.

It's like a brown, gray beige. It's all disgusting. And Clint's like it. I like it. Look, it's a big room. I like it with tiles. Clint, yeah, because Clint just is really stubborn and just wants his way no matter what. It's like not completely close.

off rooms. So he's like, I love it just because he'll hate it. He's like, the thing I like most about this has is the open floor plane on the bottom, as opposed to the top. What are you going to have a bunch of bedrooms with no walls? Shut up, Clint. Josh, of course, is like, well, I'm anti-open floor plan.

You may have seen me passing out brochures at the, at the, at the Herbly Gerbly, whatever that store is called. So, like, that's a knock for me. Oh, and Cindy's like, but it's got a fireplace. Is it would burning? No, come on now. And he's like, well, it's going to be hard to find that wood burner, ain't it? That just don't make them like that anymore. And I'd like to add also, what's the

point of a fireplace if you can see it from across the room? I want three different walls. I am anti-open floor plan. I do not want an open fireplace. She's like, well, honey, those are illegal. So don't you worry. At least the fireplace has to have walls around it. So Josh is like, this is more Clint style. And Clint's like, yeah, well, you know what? There's not a ton of cabinets. I might need some more. I mean, where am I supposed to put my little mini blender? Okay. And Cindy's like, well, what do you think about this island? Do you like the coziness it gives to both rooms?

And Clint goes, you know what? I actually like the laminate because it's so durable. Have you ever heard anybody? I've literally never heard anybody say that. Where did they find these gays? I don't even believe they're gays. I feel like this is. This is anti-gay propaganda at this point. I think so. I've never heard anyone on House on House Unders ever be excited about laminate, let alone a gay. A formica countertop? That's what you're excited about?

Formica? My God. So then we go to the yard and it's like a kind of ziriscaped. It's all done with rocks and it's like funny shapes. You know, they've made like designs. Kind of nice. It's like manicured. It's a very manicure thing.

but there's no grass, it's all stones and everything. And so Josh goes, you said yard. And yard would imply that there's actually grass. Cindy, you stupid slut, get out of here. You ruined that entire show. We paid good money for that. She's like, wait, you two seem to enjoy throwing stones, honey. So you'll just like it fine.

Plus, this yard can fit a lot of guys. Okay. She says, it's a great entertaining space, as long as you're willing to pay for adurves, and I know you won't because I heard the stories. So then they go to the utility closet. And Josh is like, this isn't much of an improvement, Cindy. And she's like, well, what can, I've never seen so much focus on the utility room.

I know. This is kind of a sad episode. I'm not going to lie. They are like traumatized by their shower laundry room. But they should be because they're all terrible. Does nobody have laundry rooms in Paducah because they're all terrible? It's just the one that has carpet in it and saw like stained carpet everywhere. Everything is stained in this entire episode.

Everything is stained and carpeted and rotted. Okay. Except for the for micrower countertop. So then they look at the garage, which is just a very long, narrow, truly a bowling alley. And it's only good for one car. So Clint goes, for me, I'm like, you're the one, your vocal, you have people come into the house.

You work from home. You don't get the garage out. Yeah. And he's like, well, it's deep. But there's only one car hunting. He goes, yeah, because it's for me. He goes, yeah, for you. How come you always get the space?

And he goes, because that's just how it is. Oh, gosh, poor Josh. I know. So then they go upstairs. The best or the primary bedroom actually has really nice sleek gray walls. They're like, okay, let's modernize one aspect of this house. And it has like a little patio. And Josh is like, oh, I like that there's a patio because I can sit up here and drink my coffee.

And Clint goes, or drink or sweet tea as true southerners do, am I right? I don't get these little balconies outside of bedrooms that overlook the house across from you, across the street. Yeah. Okay. First, you don't want to drink your coffee. You have to go downstairs and make the coffee and then bring the coffee back back up.

That's not fun. And then you have to take it back downstairs. It ruins the convenience of having a balcony. If you're having visions of having balcony right outside your, your bedroom, the idea is like what's nice about that is that like you don't even have to go anywhere, right? But now you've had to go downstairs. So yeah, it's ruined.

Yeah, it's ruined. Also, guess what else it ruins? the neighbor's lives. You know what the neighbors really don't want to see? A couple in bathrobes. Sitting on a balcony. Yes. And especially a gay couple,

because that's the balcony of judgment, you know, with our both be like, Haller Lane, slut. Hey, you guys see Cindy lately? I heard that she's up for Little Shop of Hars,

make sure she does not get the part. Okay, that voice will kill Audrey. I mean, you talk about Audrey number two. I'll see it. So she sounds like. Suddenly Seymour, how about more like suddenly know more people go into the theater?

Suddenly leave more, as we call it, in the community. Okay. There's a closet in one of the rooms, and it's not a pretty closet. I mean, it looks like a closet that Buffalo Bill would hang human skin. It's not nice. And Clint goes, found my closet Josh's like

Why do you always get the closets You want the garage You want the closets Can we share And Clinton goes No They should say what it is You've already stretched out

All my Argyl sweater So I get the closet So then Then they By the way They walk into the N Suite bathroom Which is actually like A very very nice bathroom

And these two They walk in These two who've been showering next to like Their Whirlpool dryer And are so like like, we just want to have a nice bathroom. They walk in, they see this very nice bathroom.

They're just like, that's nice. I'm like, excuse me, you guys should be so lucky to be in the presence of this lovely bathroom. So they look at a couple more bedrooms. One has a tiny closet. And Clint's like, this is my style. Newer construction, open floor plan, gorgeous tile, laminate countertops. What a dream. But 180K, what am I the queen of Anglings?

I love what he says? it's newer construction. This house is built in 1999. Even if this show did air in 2008, this is still sort of older. And Josh said, but I want something with a little more yard. And Clint says,

I'm not crazy about the uniform tile. I got to be honest. And Josh goes, and where's the charm? You miss that with new construction. You work on old things all day. Can you just come home to like running water that's not brown? You know what I mean? You don't lose charm with new

construction, you lose charm with ugly ass houses. And this is an ugly ass house. This is an ugly ass house. It really is. So now we are watching them. This is one scene they don't show them walking around the block. They're actually having dinner with friends. We see like an old church and then they're having dinner. And Clint tells one of the friends. He goes, what's more important to you? Exterior charm or what's on the inside? And the friends like, are we talking about houses or Josh? because I just, I don't want to make anybody cry today. You're not going to trick me like you did the last dinner. Are we talking about Marla over here?

Because she worked real hard to pick out this gingham and vest combo, okay? Because this lady is sitting there so self-conscious on TV. She's wearing a gingham shirt, but she's also wearing a vest over it. And then on top of the vest, she's wearing like a vest jacket. She's like double vesting it. And she's like overstuffed with clothes. And she's holding this marguerite up to her face like, be chill, Marla. you're on TV. Be chill. Be chill. Just be a sassy girlfriend now.

Oh, so then we go to the narrator. She's like, Josh felt the first house lacked elderly charm. So today they're seeing a more affordable home that at least four senior citizens have died in over the decades. Let's check it out. Yeah. Old home for stupid people. So Josh just, they walk up and Josh is, of course, trying to sell it immediately. He's like, oh, well, he's like, that's a nice chimney. And I love that dorm. window love that and then clint in his effort to be like contrarian goes i don't like landscaping there's no awning i'm like first of all awnings are not landscaping second of all it has like a perfectly nice landscape especially compared to the last house the last house they showed it a million times the exterior of the house was a like half dead grassy patch it was so but ugly and now this one has little bushes and some little trees and it's like it disgusted in okay everything here is

growing i don't like it she's not what Well, this is just a fixer-upper, boys. And Clint's like, you're scaring me. She goes, oh, honey, come down. It's not a carb. Now, the good news is it's only $140,000. And Josh is like, but is this fireplace gas? I like this room.

It's moldy. I feel that things have died here. And there's like built-ins. Josh is obsessed with built-ins. And he's like, oh, I love that. See, now that is the charm that I love, a built-in. God, I wish. Clint was just a series of shelves stuck into a wall.

Then they go into the kitchen and it has some really tacky flower wallpaper from the 80s. But it does have pretty hardwood floors. It's like galley style, so it's really long. The floors reminds everything else kind of sucks, but what? Mint green cabinets. Yeah. And Clint is like, this is old. And he's like very angry.

But I feel like the space itself was actually not bad. It just was outdated, but it was actually not a terrible kitchen. Yeah, and Cindy's like, gosh, I told you it was a fixer-upper, okay? Listen, you can marry Clint. Listen, it's like basically putting Argyle on Clint, okay? Fix him up a little, take him out. And Clint's like, so was Joshua was a fixer-upper, too, and he's the same as the day I met him. I no longer subscribe to that term, ma'am.

So now they go into the utility room, which they like, and then there's, like, more built. There's built-ins all over the place. So Josh is having like a wet dream, basically. And then he's like, then they find carpet. The bane of their existence is like, this carpet has to go. So I think this is the utility room where there was carpet, right? Yeah, that was really bad. Also, this is really old carpet.

You know, some carpet I think is okay. I don't think everything has to be wood floors. I mean, it does for me. But the reason is for me, because I have a dog that sheds all over the place. And it grosses me out to have car. carpet, you know? But normally I don't, I think carpet would be fine, but God damn, old ass carpet. It's like 60 years old. So many, so many things have happened on that carpet. Get rid of it. Yeah. So they go outside to the backyard and Cindy goes, well, we got, we got the fan stand backyard like you wanted. And then Josh is such, Josh is such a dick. He goes, it's not much of a fence, Cindy. I'm like, oh, well, you're not much of a, you're not, you're not. You're not. You're not.

You're not much of a fence connoisseur, sir. How about that? Oh, it is a fence. It is a chainly a fence. Okay. Maybe you want a wood fence, okay. But you need to specify that because it is a solid fence, sir. And also, aren't you, like, can't you do fixer uppers?

Like, also, aren't you like handy? Can't you build a fence? This is literally something, a perfect project for you. Well, there are fence companies that come build a fence, okay? And you're saving $60,000 off your budget. 60 grand. You can afford a fucking fence in Paducah. I mean, I feel like there's 20 fence companies in Paducah.

You know, it's like all they have. Their guys were overrun with fence companies. People are like, what are you going to college for? Fences. All right, well, we're going to have to have another profession here at some point in town because right now that's all we got. Cindy's like, well, you know what your neighbor did? They just went out to the freeway and they just shoveled off a bunch of roadkill,

just stacked them up. It's worked out great, great fence. Flish fans. Crows, squirrels. They petrified during the winter. So Clint walks into a room, one of the bedrooms, that has a green carpet, and he's like, Ew, looks like a Grimlin peaked in here.

Awful. Have we confirmed that Grimlin puke is actually green? I don't think so. I love the grumblin's puke the same color that they are. I know. So Cindy is like, well, since we got hard. hardware floor everywhere else. Let's see if we have hardware floor under this puke carpet.

So she gets down there and she inspects. She goes, yes, we do. She's like, don't trust her. The way she ruins musicals, the way she's going to ruin this house. So there's a bathroom off the attic. So these little bedrooms, by the way, are the attic. They're like an attic, but they've turned them into bedrooms with like really thin walls. And Josh goes, what do I love about this room? They see. ceilins and they're cheap and horrid paper, you know, paper tile things, you know, cardboard tiles. Like you see in an office building, you push them up. But they don't have that like the square grading to keep them all on.

And they're like, it's, he calls them, does he call them dormer ceilings? They're like sort of at a slant. They're like slanted or whatever. It's like the roof line, you know. Yeah, because it's the roof because you're in the attic. This is not really a three bedroom home. You're being scammed. So then it also has wood paneling.

It's like a double banger, this one. I, oddly enough, like wood paddling. I don't know why I like wood paddling. Really? That style? Yeah, I do. I do like it. It's like a retro thing.

I don't know. It's just I like it. Oh, okay. Well, you're a lot. I'm like the only one. It's okay. I get it. I understand that I'm crazy.

Well, you know, there's like newer kind of wood paneling. Like Wayne Scotting. Not that that's new. But, you know, like things that are. It should laugh. It's basically. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, there's different styles. but this, I don't know. I like the retro kind. It feels like, I don't know. It's like, I think it's just a nostalgia thing for me. Do you have it in your house where you are now? We have no wood paddling here, actually. I just made to think of it.

Because I felt like I was dissing your parents' house. I was like, am I dissing Ben's parents' house right now? My neighbors, you know, I wonder if it comes from my neighbors, I used to go over there to play, and they had like a playroom downstairs that was wood paneled. And I think there's like, I feel like there's a generation of us that grew up going, like, like going to people's friends houses or the basements or living rooms were wood paneled and there was like soft carpet or like games and then TV playing like a TV going and it's just like nice I like it okay well like a vacation home you know loud thanks um I'm turning off the air it's it's not a hill I'm gonna die on I'm just saying that I personally like wood paneling but for these two I don't need to turn it either I just want to sit here awkwardly while you're on that hill and I'm just going to stand here awkwardly while we all think about been sitting in a room of wood paneling and loving it. Yeah, I'm going to have my little wood panel room.

But you know what, though? Like, that being said, these gays don't want the wood paneling. And no one on the show wants the wood paneling. And here they have it in this shitty ass house. Yeah. So Clint says, you know what I like about this room? Cindy goes, nothing. She goes, yeah.

Thanks for stealing my line, bitch. And then they see another attic bedroom with pink carpet. And they're like, gross, Cindy. You are disgusting. She's like, just be creative, y'all. don't disappoint all the good ones. Okay. I've seen gays on TV.

They're creative people. And Josh is like, well, I'm anti-open floor plan, but some of this is okay if it runs room to room with good energy. Well, don't tell everyone at the anti-open floor plan meeting you might get kicked out. So then we go to House No. 3, a tiny stone home. So they're walking around that same block downtown. And Josh goes, I just love what they've done. with the damn town. And Clint's like, yeah, looks great.

And someone passes humming. Clint's like, you're off cave slut. Call me. Here's my car. Josh and Clint are looking for their first home in Paducah, Kentucky. They've seen Clint's preferred, quote, unquote, newer construction, but the backyard and the laundry weren't ideal. And also the rest of the house was just really generally shitty.

Now, then they also went and saw a well-priced Cape Cod that was, quote-unquote, full of charm, Josh's words. But Clint thought the house needed much needed updating. Next, Cindy has a kennel-sized home built with stone and $3. So Josh is like, wow, look at this curb appeal. Clint's like, look, smile. And then Clint is like, now I love stone homes. My parents had one, so it's near and dear to my heart.

However, this is more Josh's style than mine. I was like, well, thanks for the clarification. I was really concerned that you might actually like the stone homeness of it. Thank you. Now I know where to set my expectations. So Cindy's like, I should pick this one, this one just for you, Josh. And because you did a great job, Cindy. She's like, I'll enjoy this 10 seconds a piece before your husband shit's all over it. That'll be nice. Just give me a moment. Clint's like, it's small. It's like you couldn't even give me the five seconds, Clint. Not even five.

I'll give you as much time as it took for people to leave your. of grand hotel you were in. Five seconds. So they walk in and lots of the living room with built-ins, so they're happy with that. Blant motel, as we called it in the community. Sorry, that one took me a little time. This house is real small. Oh, God, you know what I'd like to do?

I just like to dangle Cindy up in the rafters and do. Phantom. She can be the chandelier. But Dukkah couldn't afford a chandelier, so we just hung Cindy up above the audience and threatened to drop her. Wrapped her up in a bunch of sequins and aimed flashlights at her. It was just a Cindy hanging from a ropehole and a couple of birthday candles. Oh, God.

She missed her cue on that one, too. She actually swang into a wall instead. Yeah, I said swang. That's how we say it. So this one has a wood-burning fireplace, and there's like built-ins, like I said. And then Clint, there's like, the built-ins, like, surround a window, and there's, like, a little place to sit. And so Clint's, like, Clint sits there and he goes, I don't think this is big enough for my TV. And he's being so ridiculous about, like, this is where my TV's got to go.

That was like, okay, this is the house they're going to choose because he's being so over the top about why he doesn't like it with these stupid reasons that he's, like, compensating for the fact that they clearly take this at the end. Yeah. And also, you can't just disbuilt-ins. Like, it's a whole wall of built-in bookshelves. It's like, oh, really? What about my TV? And he wants to put his TV in the windowsill. Yeah, he's literally pointing at the window. Like, how am I going to hang my TV here on this window? He wants, like, all the sofas to aim the window and not the fireplace. And so Josh is like, well, you can put your TV above the fireplace. I mean, I think that, that wall looks like I can support a good 13-inch TV. I think it'll be okay. He goes, it's a wood-burning fireplace. I was like, that's why you shouldn't put a TV above it. Who are these gays? My God. So then they go to this tiny little sunroom deck thing.

And Cindy's like, this room could be an office or a den. And Clint's like, this is a painted exterior wall. So we are basically outside. Is that correct? Is that what you're telling me right now? She's like, yeah, it used to be the exterior of the home. Okay. He's like, you trash.

Why are you telling us this is a three-bedroom? You think you're going to take us to a stone home. We're not going to notice the random stone wall in the middle of the room and think it's an interior wall. We know what you're up to C&D. Yeah. But also, what a stupid add-on. Like, what a lame ad-on. That's when people are like, you know what?

We've finally raised $10,000. We're going to do in addition to our home. It's like, why? What's the point? You have two feet to do what exactly? You can make like a little reading room, put some chairs in there. It could be nice. It could be nice.

I, okay, it would, it could be nice to move into if it was already there. I'm just saying, why would people spend that money to add on for that room in the first place? Got it. It serves no purpose. You know what I mean? And it's like, they're cold and drafted. Hey, honey, go out the back door and then go out the other back door. Okay.

I know. You just feel fancy. Having two back doors or what? You know, people make strange decisions. So then they go into the kitchen and Clinton looks really scared. And he's like, where's my dishwasher, Cindy? And Josh's like, it's not he. And Cindy goes, well, a dishwasher would have to be put in.

So, yeah, you'll have to, you'll have to do that. And, oh, because she made some stupid joke. Like, the dishwasher's right behind you. They turn around and it's like not there. She goes, just getting done those. It's Josh. The husband is the dishwasher stupid. Do I have to teach you all everything? And he's like, I ain't doing dishes.

That's for damn sure. Listen, I already got a street park and I don't have anywhere to hang my clothes. You think I'm going to do dishes too? Fuck that. Cindy, get it together. Then they go to a hat. There's a half bath that's downstairs. It's like super narrow.

And it's, and then clink us, it's pink. He's furious. It's always pink. And so then there's like a cute little backyard. And, and of course,

Josh loves the cast iron ornamentation on the fence. He's like, oh, I love that, not cast iron, the wrought iron. He's like, I love that wrought iron on there. I was like,

of course, this explains why he has all that Ashley furniture, because Ashley Furniture loves a wrought iron embellishment. You know, normally I would be offended by your Ashley slander because I find it to be extremely rude and elitist because I have an Ashley. I have some in my like little game room area. But it is shit.

It's shit. Yeah, it's all that kind of like Gretchen Rossi, like that knobby kind of stuff, like knobby wooden stuff and lot iron. Like it'll be cute enough. All I'm going to do is play PlayStation in this room. Well, it turns out to be where I do everything. You know, I take all my notes there. I'm in there all the time.

And I can have a recliner in there, but it's just ugly, Ben, you know? And then furniture is that kind of thing. You buy it. And you think in your head, well, if I don't like it, maybe a few years down the line, I can save up and buy something a little nicer. But then what do you do? You have to hire movers to come get that shit up and down the stairs. And they complain, then they break half the lights coming up and down.

And then I just, what have I done? You know, Ashley, fuck off. Oh, watch, we're going to get an Ashley advertising sponsorship. Any moment now. We did have them as sponsors at one point. Did we? I wonder why they went away, huh? So, oh, should I cut that?

No, no, no, that was like two years ago. Okay, it's fine. Bye. Stay away then. Stay away, Ashley. It's okay. We're all good. Listen, we've got to be true to ourselves.

We cannot be catering to Ashley Furniture. I love Ashley Furniture. God, I'd love sitting on that recliner. Does it work anymore? No, I still have to manually move it up and down, but I love the sound it makes as I move back and forth on the couch. Like if I reach over for my soda, it'll go, and you know what I realized? I actually, I love knobby furniture. I love wrought iron touches on things and curvy elements and like lots of maroons and dark reds and gold.

Like I do love Ashley furniture, it turns out. Aw, that's so cute. Okay, so then we're in the backyard, and Clint goes, so can I assume that that garage is manual? Yes, Clint. Okay. You're about to spend $100 out of your pocket to own a home, sir. You're a $140,000 house. Yes, you're not going to be getting a garage that has a turntable that will drop your car down into the earth into its robo parking spot.

No. And this house is also an attic home where they turned the attic into a bedroom and try to pass it. off. Okay, so this home is a total rip-off because the attic is now considered a bedroom and the out-on room is considered a bedroom, which isn't even legal because the out-on room doesn't have a closet down there. So they're not legally allowed to call that a bedroom. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah. Yeah, well, yeah, they're definitely like this. It's a liar house for sure. And it's and, and, but of course, Josh is still pushing the character. He's like, I think I love the character in this house. I found more character up here and Clint finds a closet. So he's happy.

But, yeah, this is, I had high hopes for this house because it looked the cutest. Of all the three of them, it was the cutest on the outside. But it's really, it's really not great. It's not great. So more pink. There's more pink. And this one is real pink. It's like different colors striped pink walls and stuff.

And Clint goes, you know what? I think we need to see the kitchen again. And Josh is like, that might be the deal breaker for us. Because if we, but if we save this money, we can update stuff, honey. And he's, Clint knows that this is bullshit and they're getting ripped off with this three bedroom description, you know? Yeah. And he tells us, I think that Josh might be putting a little bit too much emphasis on charm. It's like, if that were true, he never would have married you, sir.

Okay. Well, after seeing three options, their choice isn't easy. And after seeing everything in their price range, it will come down to charm and renovation costs. Let's watch them walk the same block again. I know. Here they are on their third block around the community theater slash performing art center slash symphony home. And here's another example of Paducah loving itself because they just show like five

close-ups of Paduca posters. It's like, welcome to Paducah. Paduca's amazing. I raise my soul in Paduca. A lot of Paduca boosting. So Josh, there's a lot of. I'm about the first house. And Josh is like, he's like, well, I'm just concerned that there's not a lot of wiggle room and the bud to do the things the house that needs to be done.

Like, you know, tearing it down and rebuilding it, you know. So I don't know about that one. And Clint's like, but the kitchen wasn't so bad. Don't you remember the laminate? Oh, God, I dream of having a laminate someday. And Clint's like, but, you know, it's so small. That kitchen is so small, though. And Clint's like, but, you know, I'll get more space for the garage.

My God, you're so selfish. My God. He goes, but what about the dogs? He's like, but the garage. Okay, just leave the dogs in the garage then so they can poop where you park your car. You selfish, but. Yeah, then house number two, Josh really like, of course, loves all the charm and the built-ins. And they're just like, and it has a functional utility room.

Again, the utility room, big factor in their decision here. Huge. Yeah, they love a utility room. And the dormer ceilings, they love that. And then the last one. The price is great, but the kitchen. And Josh is like, and the other thing is we didn't see a utility room. I mean, do we want to go up and downstairs for laundry?

You know, I know what I'm leaning towards. You people were showering next to your dog food for who knows how many years. And now all of a sudden you don't want to take your laundry basket downstairs, like 95% of people who have laundry rooms. So they're like, can Cindy guess what we're going to get? She says, you chose a white cake car. to you. I'm going to get started on this paperwork. Now, hold on. Let me fire up my tandy computer.

One second. All right. We're going to start this paperwork, but first let's spit shake and then pee in shape. So they go for house number two and I have to say these gays fully redeem themselves in my eyes because

every time I watch house hunters, every time they go to a house, it's always like, you know, we can really do a lot with this place. And then you see them three months later and they've basically put in a vase with flowers. And I'm like, oh, I wanted to see them do more. But these gays are like, no, we are determined gays and there's nothing doing Paducaa. So the moment that we signed the deal, we got to work. And they got to work.

They really did. And I was so happy. Everything looked great. They did such good work with this place. Yeah, they really did. They did all the cabinets. They did all the countertops. They took out the carpet.

They painted all the cabinets by themselves. They took out the flowery wallpaper. They're bed. The bedroom wasn't really my tape. Well, one of them was really pretty. It was like a dark blue. But the other one was like, yeah, I like that. But I didn't like like the maroon.

That was very Ashley furniture, which I love. I love Ashley Furniture, but that's what it was. And I love Ashley Furniture, guys. And Clint goes, and we did it ourselves because I will not pay for something I can do myself. And then they're trying to put together a ceiling fan or something. And Josh goes, let's just do it. And Clint says, You know men don't read instructions.

Josh goes, this man does. You hand them over. I was like, aw, I can see how these two are a couple. It's a happy ending after all. Yeah, they honestly, they really made that house look cute. I was really good for them. And I'd love that they just jumped right into those renovations and they did it. Yeah, they were actually pretty cute.

I agree. End of the day, they were pretty cute gays. And you know what? They were also like literally adorable. I would say, I would love to date either one of those gays. I thought they were so cute. They were very sweet.

And I actually did love that their life centered around going to like local productions in Buduka at the Performing Arts Center. The Squirrel Symphony. All right, everybody. Well, thank you so much for being with us and a part of Wondery Place. We will talk to you in a couple of weeks. Yes. If you want us to cover something specific, email us at watch what crap is.com. or comment on this on our Instagram, on a house hunters post.

Okay? Absolutely. We love you guys. Bye. Bye.