Watch What Crappens - Dwell Hello #314: The Great Dallas Dilemma

Episode Date: July 14, 2023

A hot ginger and his pool-obsessed wife are looking for new digs in the Dallas area. Which ranch-style home will best fit their brown furniture? Join us as we watch House Hunters Vol 7: S172 E2: The Great Dallas Dilemma.Find bonus episodes at patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens and follow us on Instagram @watchwhatcrappens @ronniekaram @benmandelker Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Well, hello, and welcome to Dwell Hello. It's a House Hunters podcast that we do. I'm Ben. That's Ronnie. We're from Watcher Crappins, which you probably know. But in case he came here, hey, we got a podcast, all about Bravo. So anyway, hi, Ronnie. How's it going?

So good, babe. Good. Love to hear that. Today, we are recapping House Hunter's episode, House Hunters, Volume 7. Oh, you can find this, by the way, on Discovery Plus, or on Max, Max and Discovery Plus are kind of like the same, but kind of different. It's kind of annoying. Yeah, what's the deal with that?

Have they not divorced yet? Because I don't know. I'm like, I'm paying for both. And I kind of, I think I'm going to, I'm going to chop my. Well, I thought like maybe did they merge subscriptions? I can't find any good answers. So I think I'm just going to cut Discovery Plus guys. I cut Discovery Plus because also Discovery Plus has those different tiers.

So it's like one charge for Discovery Plus. And then there's another charge for the ad free Discovery Plus. So I'm paying like $7 plus $5 or something. Or is that peacock? They all do. I might as well have a drug habit for all I pay for the TV. I mean, there's so much shit. I mean, I know that's such an old person thing to say, isn't it?

I feel like my mom. Like, there are so many services. There really are, though. It's a lot. It's a lot. Yes, it is a lot. And what's really specifically annoying about house hunters is that it's organized. We complain about this literally every episode, but it's organized strangely.

It's listed. episodes are classified one way on YouTube TV and classified another way on Max and Discovery Plus. And on top of that, the ones on Max are also siloed into collections, which makes it really a user unfriendly. So this is the episode we're doing today. It's House Hunters, regular American House Hunters, Volume 7, Season 172, Episode 2. And the title is rather bombastic for what the episode is. the title is the Great Dallas Dilemma. So should we just dive on in?

Anything else you need to say? And just search the term. And whatever the channel is you used, just search for that title. And it'll pop right out. The Great Dallas Dilemma. Yeah. The Great Dallas Dilemma. Should we cancel it or shouldn't?

Great Dallas Dilemma. Are you a mimiker or are you not a mimiker? I hear something called the Great Dallas Dilemma. and I think it's like, is like, Dallas is facing a dilemma? Are they going to rezone their entire cities? They're going to be, it's going to split in half, North Dallas, South Dallas. Is it going to, is there, are they just going to like bomb out the middle of downtown? But apparently in House Hunter's term, the great Dallas dilemma means are you going to live far from the city or sort of far from the city?

This Dallas dilemma is, do we let a ginger into our neighborhoods? So I chose this episode. And I actually saw this episode. while ago. And I was like, damn, that guy is hot. But he also looks like he kind of wants to murder his wife, you know, and that fascinated me. He does. He does. That's actually such a good way to put it. He does have this weird look in his eye. He's murderous. He's a murderous human being. I totally get it. And I watch a lot of murder documentaries. I can't believe I didn't think of that immediately. But he does look like a true murderous. Like he should be on a date line special.

Oh, God, I love that show. Also, Dateline just keep. re-releasing their episodes as podcasts with different titles. Like, I don't remember that I've heard this. I've heard this Dateline. Stop trying to fucking gaslight me. Hey, I just heard the one about the lady who killed her stepson. Okay, just heard it. Here's some true crime for Dateline to tackle.

It's a missing person's case. And the dilemma here is, whatever happened to Stone Phillips? Can Dateline find Stone Phillips? Because where is he? Oh, my gosh, he's probably off skipping somewhere. Get it. So this one, this guy, let me tell you. Good night, everyone.

Thanks so much for listening. We quit. We officially quit. So this guy also, I think, is a murderer because he's so into himself. And I get it. Like, I'm not like muscle shaming people. You know, like, would I like muscles that you have and I don't have? Of course.

You know what I mean? Am I jealous? Of course there's like some of that in me. I'm not too big to admit it. But it's not just pure jealousy. but this guy's so into himself. He keeps leaning on things. Did you notice?

He keeps leaning on things with his arms forward so he flex his arms. It's like, dude, we see that you have arms, okay? You fucking cheater. And by the way, lady Elizabeth, your husband is cheating on you. And that's the only reason he wants to be near the center of town. Yes. Oh, really? I think I wrote Elizabeth 20 times.

She has Elizabeth energy, but I think her name is that. Wait. Is her name Elizabeth? And I just called her else. She has Allison energy, but her name's Elizabeth. First of all, I don't think they tell us her name until 30 minutes into it. Let me see. Courtney is the real estate agent.

Stephen is the abusive murderer of a husband who keeps posing with his arms forward. And Elizabeth is the wife. Oh, my God. I wrote Allison the entire time. I feel like those are interchangeable names. I feel like every girl I know named Allison is interchangeable with every girl I don't named Elizabeth. Okay, so sorry. Sorry, Allison's in Elizabeth.

bet. No, no, no, no, no, no. Her name is Allison. No. Her name is Allison. So I looked up. So the reason why I was able to look this up so easily is because as we see in the beginning, they started, these two started a beverage company called Poppy. And I looked, Poppy has like exploded in the past year. This was, this came out like probably like in 2017 or 18. Poppy has exploded in the past year in In December of 2022, like six months ago from when we're recording this, they received like $25 million in like VC money or whatever to expand. They've been on Shark Tank and apparently Poppy, their beverage, became a viral sensation. So if you look up Poppy, founders are Stephen and Allison Ellsworth.

So, but she gets out of Elizabeth Energy. What can you say? Yeah, she does. Maybe it's the Els. Yeah. But this drink is disgusting. right there way. I'm sorry for the anti-poppy. Yes. I got it

at, I think Whole Foods. And it's a prebiotic soda. So fuck that, first of all. Like, why would I even buy that? But I was like, you know, God health is important. I'm old now. So I saw prebiotic soda and they had like all these good looking, it was like

ginger oil prebiotic. And I was like, fuck yeah, dude. Like how much... Yeah. Give me that poppy. How much sourcrout can you eat in this fucking day? Am I right? Bro, just give me all that poppy a prebiotic. Put it in my brawl. Yeah.

And it was disgusting. I spit it out. I think I drank it on the show and was like this is literally the worst thing. I think you did actually. I actually think you did drink it. Well, guess what? Remember I told you I was drinking a prebiotic thing and it was disgusting? How was it?

I don't remember when that happened, but I do remember that had happened. And that was Poppy. It all comes full circle. Well, they're killing it. It's fucking disgusting. And their kids have probably drowned by now, too, by the way. Oh, no. Yeah, we'll get there.

We'll get there. So anyway. She's just like, throw them in some water. Throw them in a body of water. Speaking of murderers, fucking Allison Elizabeth over there. Allison is determined. So we'll, let's just dive in. So it opens up with just a classic Stephenism, which he goes, does this look like, does this look like the house from the Golden Girls?

He says that as if that's like a bad thing. Like literally the house and the Golden Girls is a dream house for me. Like, I love the Golden Girls' house. Well, that's when I wonder, does he have any, like, by curiosity because... That makes it so hot. Doesn't it make it hot? Well, also, because he's kind of hot. He's like gorgeous.

He's like Wally Cleaver. And I really think that, by the way, we're going to ruin this whole recap because we're just going to talk about how hot he is. Because he literally is hot. He's hot. He's hot. He's like... He's like someone who fought in a world war. Yes.

like one, like World War I. Like, you know World War I movies where you're like, oh my God, those guys are so hot and they're all marching to their death? I wonder if they trim their pubic hair back. Like you start thinking about things like, he's got that kind of face. And he came back from the war and he was like,

always aloof afterwards. Like, that's the vibe he gives. Yeah. So, yeah, he's hot. And anyway, by curiosity, not only because he's hot and because he poses with his arms out, but because he says things like golden girls in a bad way.

Like, if I hate golden girl, no one will think I'm attracted to dudes in the gym shower sometimes. It's like overcompensation. By the way, when I was looking at the growth of poppy, they moved to Austin. So they're in your neighborhood. So keep an eye up for Stephen. I will. I will.

Get some boots on the ground about Stephen and the gym showers. I will. I don't go to the gym, but I will be passing by Stephen and saying your soda sucks. Soda sucks. Prebiotic. How about you get pre-flavored? So it is cool seeing somebody before they made it. Right.

Because these two really did make an effort. I mean, they came on house hunters to promote their business. You know, most people don't do that. They don't have anything to promote. And these two are like, you know what? We should go on house hunters to promote soda. Poppy. And it worked.

It worked. It really worked. They're huge now. And in fact, not only that, because I really went and I did a deep dive, Allison on her Instagram. She posted something, I don't know what it was, but I was looking at her posts just to see what she looked like now. And like Olivia Munn commented.

And then she was like, doing great babe, like in a way, like they're friends. I was like, your friends are Olivia Munn. And then I saw a picture of Stephen hanging out with Kygo, like the famous DJ. I was like, what is happening? Do any of these celebrities realize these people were on house hunters that they have these humble beginnings? Yeah, that's crazy. I don't know. I don't know.

But now I like them more. Is that weird? I do like them more. That's so disgusting. I think you're making me like that because I wasn't like that before. But now I'm like, oh my God, Olivia Munn. You know, I couldn't pick Olivia Munn. Don't make, don't.

You're like, like, ew, I hate that. I like that. That celebrities like them. You did that to me. You did do it to me because I used to be like, that's stupid. Now I'm like, I don't even know who Olivia Munn is, but I know she's probably got a lot of followers. Wait, is Olivia Munn the one who dated Harry Styles? No, that was Olivia something, right?

That was Olivia. Yeah. Wouldn't it be funny if Olivia Mun were Danish? Because then you could say Olivia Mun Dane. So Linda, we start the episode. Did you know that the Danes were Vikings? I didn't know that. And guess what?

I watched six seasons or five or six seasons plus the movie of the Last Kingdom. And I didn't realize until I was like, wait a minute. I'm going to look up the difference between Danes and what are the ones from, what are the other Vikings? There's Danes and... Norwegian. Yeah. Fens? Nord.

Nord. Nord. Nordics or whatever. Yeah. Yeah. Are you low-key into that stuff? Low-key into that stuff? I love that show, but I didn't realize until the end that Danes were Vikings.

Like, how stupid am I? They're all Danes in that show. Okay, the point is these two became famous and their kids probably have drowned right now. So Linda starts it off after this snide comment about the Golden Girls' house. She goes, this Dallas couple is ready to find their perfect house, but they have different opinions on what that means. Sorry, I don't have anything else. I don't have anything else to it. He's really just such a dick.

He really does work for me. I thought you were leading somewhere. I was just on the path. I was in the car. I had no, I thought I was going somewhere and I really had nowhere to go. I'm still waking up. And she has this like real, like the wife has this like real high and kind of fakey form. It's like she's very Dallas and yeah and sorry people in Dallas because you know we're all Texans we should stick together

But within Texas we have our different rankings of people and Dallas is like the snooty part of Texas It's like the really fancy part of Texas where everybody thinks they're like top models you know like my cousin who lives in Dallas Mary hi Mary you're not listening to this thanks for the support bitch She is always like you know Dallas is like one of the fashion capitals of the world and I said no it's not She's like, yeah, no, no, really. I was living in New York at the time, you know, and I don't care about fashion, but I was like, it's like literally not. She's like, oh, it is. It is.

Fashion Capital. And they're like, look how her hair is curled. She's like, I live in a fashion capital, so. It is the home of the L'Infinity dress. So, um, so, uh, basically we see little clips. We see Allison being like, got my pool. And then we see, um, Stephen being, he is so miserable this entire episode. And he was such a dick.

He's like, a lives are going to be over if we move to the suburbs. Yeah, your life of getting your dick wet wherever you want to, you fucking Steve it. By the way, you know what? He doesn't give off Stephen Energy. Isn't that weird? No. Because his wife gives off every white girl's name energy, but Stephen does not give off Stephen energy.

He gives off John. Bryce. Like a Bryce. Bryce. Yeah. John Bryce. John Bryce. John Bryce.

John Bryce. Yeah. So then Linda says, with time taking on finding a home and before he cheats, Their agent and family friend is doing their best to accommodate them both. And it's Courtney. Her friend is Courtney from down the street. She's like, I know them because I live down the street. Courtney from down the street.

Not to be confused with Jenny from the block, Courtney from down the street. Courtney, by the way, I have to say I... It's a Dallas version. We're very hip-hop pop. I'm Dallas. I am so appreciative of Courtney because she took time out of auditioning to be a local anchorwoman to do this show. So thank you, Courtney, for comfortable. Also, I'm really glad these people became rich.

I'm going to send you this. Well, I shouldn't. I'll just describe it to you because this is audio, but this picture of them. You can put it up on the screen here. It's, oh, yeah, because we're on video, even though we're not presenting to you guys. Sorry, suckos. Just for us. Private video.

This is the sort of video that Stephen does with his side bitches. Okay. So do you see this picture here? So they look like they live in a prison. They have terrible bachelor furniture. It's so ugly. It's really dark brown plether, like sectional for Jennifer. The back wall has, you know how, like, moms really love to have a photo shoot with their kids?

And then they have 10 pictures from that same photo shoot on a wall. But they're usually, like, really blown up into poster size or whatever. These are just small square ones. And then she put them in, like, a cluster of six. Yeah. But they're too small. Like they're way too small for the... It's just terrible.

These people have no taste and it figures that they would design such a disgusting soda. And he's also trying to be humble because he's like leaning over onto the counter to act like he's actually like sort of short when he's actually a human. He's not humble. He's showing his muscles. I'm telling you. Oh, that's true. You're right. The only way they ever show him is leaning on something.

And that's true. He is showing his muscles. You're right. Yeah. So now here we are. We're in Dallas, Texas, in case you couldn't tell by the name of the episode, the Great Dallas. dilemma and um we see alison we're one great dallas dilemma we are taking a vote we want to drop an l so alison is at like the poppy factory or whatever and um she has she's like i'm gonna be on house

hunters so i am going to use my curling iron in ways i've never used it before because her hair is like aggressively curling iron and then all her like lady employees have their hair aggressively curling iron which I guess is a Dallas thing too, but it's just like, you know they were like, they had that curling iron in that hair up to three seconds before the cameras rolled. Yes, she is like freshly, she really loves like a strong like this just came out of the curler. Like she doesn't curl it and then like, oh sorry, comb it or brush it to just look bigger. It's not just for volume. It's like straight up curling iron curl hair. Yeah. Yeah. God, I keep pulling out my fucking head. I see it. What's wrong with me today?

So Allison's like, where's the blueberry at? That just shows her management style. And then Stephen. Oh, yeah, she's like, guys, blueberries, limes, strawberries, lemons. Where are all the flavors today, guys? We need to see the flavors. I was like, we get it. You have a soda, okay?

Go pick your shitty house with your shitty taste. I know. Like if, you know, if I had not known about their success, I would say that this is very reminiscent of she-by-sharee. So they basically, they started their beverage company. Stephen's talking about it. And Allison's like, so I started making these little concoctions in my kitchen, you know, when I was home alone because he was out late with his friends,

even though he comes back, smelling like perfume. So I would just put my blinders on and just make little sodas at home. That was how I did it. Yeah, I would make sodas until Stephen came home because he really liked soda when he sat down and we shared a cheesecake at the end of the night and just, you know, shared some goss. Like a come up. also she was very brunette back then which most people I feel like I when they're when they switched to blonde I can tell you know you can tell you're like oh my god that's a brunette and she's blonde now

this girl I think is blonde so why does she look so brunette like she looks like two different people she was a totally different person back then um so before before he cheats carry underwood song yeah origin story So Stephen's like, yeah, we started to give this soda to our friends and family because we wanted to make sure they were creeped at when they came over. Like, hey, welcome. Here's our homemade soda. And after the first few rounds of botulism, tetanus, and scabies, the ones that survived just loved the taste. And she's like, yeah. And I said, let's start selling this beverage at the farmer's market.

And then a few weeks, a big buyer from a natural grocery chain came up and said, you guys have to be in our store. So was that fucking whole foods? That's got to be whole foods. What the hell, dude? Why doesn't anything like that ever happen? I mean, well, I've never come up with anything. But still, I mean, I feel like this is everybody who has a soda stream at home. They're like, I'm going to invent my own flavor.

You know, I'm going to try and, like, carb my coffee. That's what it was. She totally made something with her soda stream. Yeah, no, she's fucking rich as hell. Yeah. So now we see Stephen with the employees. And he's like, so how many orders we have today? And his employees look terrified.

They're like, we have a lot. We have a lot. And I was like, love to hear it. Love to hear it. I'm like, there is, I guarantee there's some massive girl boss culture going on at that company. Just mark my words. The story's going to come out about Poppy. DB.

And he tells us their origin story. He's like, we met at them all. And I told her, I'd date her if we could stop into the fantastic exams and make her blonde because my family would never accept a brown-haired girl. So that's how we started this whole thing. Also, he does this thing when he talks where he, like rubs his lip against his bottom teeth to look sexy. He's like, yeah, we meant

at the mall. Yeah, in Utah. Yeah. And she goes, and we got married the next year and now we have two kids, a one year old and an almost three year old and our wonderful dog buddy. Now, normally when I hear stories of like a really hot guy who meets like a

homely girl at the mall and they're married within a year, I'm like he's a con artist, right? Like he's clearly a con artist. He's not homely. No, but no, she was. homely when she was, remember her before photo? She wasn't home. You just don't like brunettes? You are a brunette.

I know, I don't know. I love a brunette. I'm just saying she had a different look. She had more of a like, hey, Alison going to the mall today, look, you know? Well, it's because that's because she was like in her soda stream at home things. Where she's like, she was just cash. But yeah, she's super pretty and everything. But yeah, she's like, we need a, we need a one-story, what'd she say?

She's like, we need a one-story house because we don't want this little guy falling down the stairs. I was like, you don't want you to be falling down the stairs when your husband fucking pushes you down them. I know. It takes all the poppy money. I'm going to. Yeah, that is, this is dateline, the real story behind Poppy. This is going to be one of those crazy true crime stories. like about a soda empire.

We get it. We see where this is going. So, yeah, they don't want the kids to fall down the stairs. And then now they start talking about their house

because they want to get a ranch style home that's going to be all one floor because, you know, stairs, kids and stairs, you got to be careful, kids and stairs. Don't want the kids to hurt themselves. Kids have to be safe at all times.

Oh, we also want to have a pool. It doesn't have to have a fence. Don't worry about that. Don't need a fence. Also, could you just take us to a house without noodles or floaties anywhere I do not want

to see those in the house literally no safety for my children please also could we have a house

with just open electrical sockets that would be right viper pits can we arrange for that

so yeah they want four bedrooms they want four bedrooms oh and they're one of these couples that's obsessive

about having a guest room like I think a guest room is nice I think it's good to have a guest room but I hate when people put like the needs of a theoretical guest that's going to come one day a year over everything else because, you know, this, well, I'm getting ahead of myself. We see a lot of that. But they need a guest room for when her mom comes, help out with the kids. Well, you have to be careful with the guest room because a guest room is like owning a pickup truck. Because you know, like anybody who owns a truck or an SUV, when your friends move, they're like, you have a truck. And then they want you to drive them, move them because you're the one with the truck. And I think, that that's the guest room thing too.

It's like your husband cheated. I guess I'm staying with Ronnie. He's got a guest room. It's like, oh, fuck. Why did I get this guest room? That's true. That's true. Yeah.

Guest rooms, I can see that happening. But that being said, that's even more reason not to make your guest room actually too nice. You know? Yeah. It needs to be like, wow, welcome. We're doing Japanese style of sleeping on wooden mats. No, a mediocre guest room. That's just the style of this particular room.

which I'm sure it's very comfortable once you're used to it. But man, you put some people from the Dallas dilemma on one of those mats are going to be like, no, sir. Okay. Just like that. So Stephen is like, yeah, can we, we just have to make the house like safe enough for these kids. Because she really wants a pool and he's like, but can we make the pool safe enough? Because, you know, kids get into everything. They climb over everything.

They figure things out. They figure out all the things that you put in their way. keep them safe. I'm like just imagining his like strange booby-trapped home like that's the safety booby-traps. He's like homeloning it trying to keep his kids the burglars away from his freidos, you know, before he's like tempted to go cheat again. He's like, yeah, kids knocked down everything you put in their way. Both times we've been pregnant.

I've been born condoms. Okay. So the wife is like, yeah, well, we'll put up a fence and alarm and an electrical current in the water and everything's going to be fine. Don't worry about it. And buddy, our dog. and they point to Buddy, and then we get a close-up of this cute dog named Buddy, and they're like,

Buddy needs room to run around and play. We sure love Buddy. Don't we love Buddy? We love Buddy. We love Buddy. We never see Buddy again at the end when they pick a house. They don't show Buddy. I think they had Buddy put down

so that they didn't have to deal with Buddy. I'm just going to say that right now. Buddy ran away after those children tried to ride him like a horse. Buddy said, don't worry about the backyard. I am going elsewhere. Here's the Dallas alum. How do I get out of here?

So Buddy wanted to be like closer to the gym downtown. He's like, I'm staying closer to the gays. They're way nicer than suburbanites. But he's like there's no drag brunch up here. So bye. So Stephen's like, yeah, well, if the, if we don't get a pool, then both the kids and Buddy can run around. The amount of times, by the way, that Stephen kind of equates his kids to the dog is hilarious

to me. Like they're basically on the same level to him. I think. I think at this point they are because they all just do the same things right now. At this baby's age, this is what they do. They poop. They need feeding. They need cleaning.

They need feeding. They shit, you clean it up, then you feed them again. And then you just keep telling yourself, it's going to get better. It's going to get better. They're going to grow out of this. Yeah. You know, just keep going to the gym. Just keep going to the gym.

It becomes Stephen. So Allison's like, well, I want to live in the suburbs because that's where my kids can run and play. and I want other families around us as well. I mean, I think he can get a lot more out of the suburbs, and he's like, I'm literally suffocating as she's saying this. Like, this is where people go to die. I do not work this hard to be this hot to have it shown off at a P.F. Chang's in northern Dallas, quote unquote.

Yeah, and he's doing the arm lane thing showing off his muscles, and he's like, you know, I know you want to have guests and stuff, but for me, if you live in the city, more people want to busy air. And she's like, no, if you have a pool, more people want to come visit you. Like, we just need to call Courtney and see what Courtney set up for us. Oh, my God, I can't wait to see Courtney. Courtney. So then we meet Courtney.

I'm sorry, down the street. Courtney from down the street. Courtney, Courtney from down the street. Yeah, Courtney's like, we're neighbors. We're friends. I know the family, so I know the dynamic with the family. I'm like, how many headbands is Courtney going to wear in today? Because Courtney is what we call a headband girl.

Yeah, she is. Yeah, and I definitely have not slept with Stephen before. So Stephen is very by the book and he likes to stay in his comfort zone. So I hear I've actually never even met him before. We definitely don't have any sort of relationship. And whereas Allison is more like lenient and really not the right wife for him, I would say. She's a little more carefree. Maybe she'll find another guy.

I don't know. Like maybe they should break up. Maybe Stephen could be with someone else. Maybe Stephen could be with someone else. I don't know. But she likes what she likes and doesn't want to compromise. I guess what I'm saying is she's kind of a bitch and Stephen could do better. Hmm.

And she's like, Stephen. And this does still have a Dallas address house number one. And he's like, well, really? Because we've been in the car for like 30 minutes and I have not had anything to lean my arms on. So we're going to need to get in there pretty quickly. I'm going to need us to pull over so I can have some protein soon. This has been a long drive. Corny goes, are we driving towards a boiled egg?

Yes or not. Courtney goes, it's just a little further. This is far north Dallas. Technically, we're in the state of Oklahoma. but they still call it North Dallas. And the price is 584.9. And Stephen's like, Jesus, I didn't think

we were looking at prices that high, especially in the suburbs. Excuse you, sir. The suburbs are the best place of live. Okay. So Courtney's, I'm getting all defensive watching this. I'm getting defensive too. Because it takes me literally an hour to drive

everywhere. But I don't care. I'm like, it's worth it. I love it out here. I love it. I just made a video yesterday of a moth for like two solid minutes and I'm trying to convince myself I'm loving this. This is great. It is great. So Courtney's like, so, well, as you know, I mean, 584, okay, we're balking at $84,000

when you guys are sitting on a soda dynasty. That's fine. But everything's up for negotiation, even marriage arrangements, if you know what I'm saying. I don't know. Some people have very modern, up-to-date, you know, it's troubles. So Stephen's like, well, let's see if we can bring it back down to the 500 range, can we? She's like, well, I don't know if we can really get. that low. I don't know. Maybe if we collected some insurance money, maybe that's how we can get that.

I know. Gosh, I hope that Allison Elizabeth is sitting on a hefty insurance because we're going to a house with stairs today, guys. So, Stephen, this is where, and this is where I changed my mind. And I'm like, Ronnie, it's not nice to think about people's sexuality. You know, he's not supposed to say, like, is that person by curious? Like, you're not supposed to say that these days. I know better. And besides, I take it back anyway. I know he's straight. Because, Steve, Stephen looks at the house and goes, is this a house from the Golden Girls? And then we see the house. And it's not even from the same time frame.

It's not even like architecturally what an idiot. A gay would know. This is like Brady Bunch. It's not even. They don't even look the same. And also, Stephen's just being a real dick because Allison's like, I really like this neighborhood. He goes, yeah, I can see that. Oh, shut up, Stephen.

Oh, he's terrible. So they basically took an old house from what, the 60s, I guess, like kind of a modern, what do you call them modern mid-century modern yeah mid-century modern and they just completely redid the inside to be like farmhouse you know kind of that farmhouse vibe like really light white plank floor is and i thought this one was beautiful i love this stuff beautiful i love to i actually really loved the interesting layout you walk in and sort of like the it's not really a foyer it is a space that you could sort of have like a great room i guess you could have and then the kitchen is off to the left it kind of branches out in the center you can go out to the outdoors the pool and so I really liked it was like open it

was airy yeah it was cool everything was modern updated you open you know like still had a way to walk through the house like you still had to walk through it you couldn't just like see everything when you yeah the kitchen was gorgeous loved the kitchen it was really wonderful um I know what you hated what pool shape the shape of the pool the pool is shaped like broccoli it's shaped like an odd interpretation of broccoli. I've never seen a pool shape like this. I, you know what? I honestly was fine with the pool shape. I did not mind it. I know what it was. You know what it was? I think I was so distracted by Stephen that I really couldn't take in like I really couldn't add a pool shape to my brain space. So she's like, I love the pool that's great for entertaining. And Courtney's like,

is there room for buddy out here? Stupid Elizabeth, Allison. And there's not. There's like a little kind of side yard thing, but really there's no room for anything because in these kind of neighborhoods, you either have a pool or a yard. You don't have both. You know, you don't have like the land for a Lasselma. And Stephen is like, um, so where would we put the fence? Because there's

no fence around the pool. And Alice goes, oh, we can figure that out down the road. I was like, you guys are ignoring entire second floor houses. You will not get a second floor because you don't want your kids to theoretically fall down the stairs. And here is a giant death trap. Oh, yeah, we'll

figure out that fence. Yeah. And also, also she says, let's just let the dog out in the front yard. Who cares? And he's like, well, but then you have to walk him on a leash. And she goes, no, you don't. He won't run away. What the fuck? Have you had a dog for five minutes? They need to test people before they allow them to have children. Because if that is seriously your idea of taking care of a dog, you shouldn't be allowed to procreate. There, I said it. You seem like a very nice person. Elizabeth. Allison, Elizabeth. Allison Elizabeth. But you're not fit to. have children. I'm concerned about some of the judgment calls that are happening behind the scenes of Poppy.

So Allison, yeah, then they, they, they go into the bed, the bedroom, and then they go to the onsuit. And Allison's like, I like that the bathroom countertops match the kitchen. I'm like, okay, that's very specific. I don't know if I would have noticed that right off the bat. Kind of cool that she notices it, but also like, is this, this is, I was like, this is going to become a thing for her now. This house has set a standard that now every house, the bathroom vanity, has to match the kitchen sink, which I think is really unreasonable. Yeah, I don't, is it unreasonable? I don't know.

I'm trying to think in my place does it. Does it in yours? Mine doesn't, but I also am like, but they're different rooms. Like, I don't think it's weird if a sink in a whole different part of the house looks totally different than the kitchen sink. I don't either, but I also don't think it's weird if it does. I can't believe that she's so surprised. I don't think it's weird that it does. It's like, wow, the kitchen, they use the same countertop that they did in the kitchen

and the bath. Like, yeah, because that's what you do. You go to the countertop place. I went to Home Depot. So then we get the bench in the shower, Joe, because there's a bench in the shower. And he's like, oh, yeah, we're going to need that because old people need benches in the showers. And that's where you die. We're dead because we're living in the suburbs.

What are we 90? I mean, look. I mean, that's, in some ways, that's romantic. That's him saying like, look, you were homely once. I've been hot this whole time. I'm not leaving you. I'll be here until I'm 75 or 80 and I'll be using that bench. Because I know once, you know, if you start off homely and you become hot, you eventually become homely again.

That is the arc of homeliness. You know, it always comes back. And he's saying even when you're, when you become homely again, I will still be here for you. It's a boomerang. It's an age, it's a homely boomerang. We play. It's the game we play. We all play it. So then as most homes, I feel like especially most remodeled homes, have really shitty additional rooms. Like the master's nice, the kitchen's nice, living room's nice.

And then you get to the additional rooms and they just slap on the cheapest carpet and the shittiest paint. And just call it a day. It's like fival should be staying there, fival from American Teton. Yeah. So then we go to house number two. Their agent finds him a listing close to the city, but it's not that much closer. And Steven's like, it's suburbia. Suburbia's disgusting.

Who lives here? Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the City. He's getting that. He's getting queen of as he gets closer to the city. He's like, I need to be with my people. Then I, like, when he's far away, yeah, I don't really like it that much. He has to butcher up around the suburbs, so it doesn't get bashed. So, yeah, so he didn't like the first one at all.

So now we're here at the second one. Allison and Steven are driving along. And Allison's like, well, you know, we've lived in the city before and we both hated it. And I don't know why he'd want to be back in the city so bad. And he goes, you hated it. She's, no, we both hated it. We both hate it. You can see she's trying to really, like, create a narrative for him.

I'm starting to actually come to his side now. I'm on his side with the backyard stuff. I think she's ridiculous. And I also think she has a really inflated sense of who she's going to be meeting in the suburbs or what that's like. Yeah. And I think she senses that he wants to bang other people constantly because she's trying to get him away from that scene.

Or he drinks too much. Or there's something going on that she wants to get him. Like a triathlon club that's like using up all his time. So Allison is also trying to do like a hard sell. She's like, look, look at these yards. These yards. Oh, look a swing. Look at this swing.

And he's just like, kill me. Kill me now. I just want that poppy money. And this is a. compromise because I would, this isn't the burbs, but it's not the city. It's in between the burbs and the city. Kind of like

I could be in between Alice and Elizabeth and Wally from Beaver, but we'll talk about it. So they go look at it and Elizabeth's like oh my God, I love the tree. Look honey, the suburbs, they have trees here. I'm like Allison, stop pretending you know what the suburbs

are. Nobody who belongs in the suburbs says things like, look, a tree. And then Stephen sees the house and he's like, is this the house from nurses? Sorry, you already made that joke anyway about Sex and City. I went back. So Stephen is... But I messed it up too because Sex and the City is like fabulous. Well, I guess Golden Girls is fabulous too.

Well, nurses is like the worst. Nurses was a spinoff of Empty Nest. So like it's like an empty nest was spin off of Golden Girls. It was like two pegs down. What is this, the house from the tortellinis? What was that? The Torkelsons? Remember the Turclesons?

Is this house from Al? Is this the house from Golden Palace? Is that Mr. Belvedere? Now we're just moving into hotels. Is this the house from hotel? Is this the house from dinosaurs? It's completely bonkers today. Okay, so they're looking at this new place.

Now, the best thing is not the new homes, because we're also finding out everything in Dallas was built in 1962 and it's all been remodeled to be farmhouse on the inside. So that's pretty much what everything is. Now, Courtney is the one that's interesting to see in every new scene because she comes up with something more terrible to wear every single time. This time, she's in some like purple netted, but like not netted net, like basket woven top with these big statement earrings that are shaped, I think like turtles, run over turtles, like a splattered, a splatted roadkill turtle. Yeah, she

I think she is I feel like she's sending a signal But I just don't know what the signal is I'm gonna fuck your husband Okay, so then She also By the same thing By the way, she also just had a fight with

Stephen like at the motel That they were sleeping in Because you know they get there And there's like noise Actually and Allison goes She's just like Courtney's in a very bad mood And Allison's like Oh my God like

Construction Ew And Courtney goes, well, the good thing about construction is that it's like your marriage. It ends. Okay? So you're going to have a nice little facelift at the house next door. Yeah, you know, I like Courtney, actually. I think she's really good.

And I like that she does not like either one of them. She tells them both off. She has no problem being like, guess what? Your neighbors are going to get a little facelift, which is going to help your house. How about that, you dumb, bitch? Okay. Hey, why don't you hold that curler a little closer to your head until you fucking burn it because you deserve it.

Fucking idiot. All right, let's go in here and look at this. I skipped anchor woman auditions today for this. So they walk in. It's an open concept. It's nice. Stephen loves that it has tall ceilings

because he's also like seven foot five. So the fact that there's vaulted ceilings means that he can like walk without having to hunch over. I don't like this one. This one is really dark wood floor. It's like really dark, plasticy wood floors and very narrow. I didn't love.

this one. I didn't love it. I didn't love it, but I didn't hate it. The first one was obviously the one to go for. I liked the kitchen okay, but it was really small. It had an electric stove. She doesn't really like. I had those kind of country cabinets where they're white, but then they've got like black painted, you know, like hand painted, like kind of squiggly and order things. It was, it was not like a terrible kitchen, but it was not nice. I actually kind of feel like if you are in the food and bed business, like kitchen should be a high priority and you should have like the best kitchen possible because you need to be working on things at home. But I guess I don't think about that. So Courtney, she's like, well, with everything you're looking for, you're going to need to find some compromises here, just like you guys both compromised in finding us and finding a life partner. So there's a walk-in pantry which she likes, but we find out this house is a flip and it's a bad one, which is why the floors are ugly and why the counters are ugly and why the counter to, Why the cabin of drag late? And the tiles are all really badly done in the bathroom.

And there's some stuff that needs to be addressed guys. And they're like, oh, really? What stuff? There's literally, like the fire alarm things, the smoke detectors are hanging out of the ceiling. Yeah, the switches are dangling out of the walls. It's not good. And also the pool doesn't have a fence again. The second time a pool doesn't have a fence.

And the second time Allison's like, oh, that's fine. We'll figure that out at some point. Yeah. Isn't this the one that didn't have a pool? No, this one had a pool. Yeah, she says, oh, I got my pool. Yeah, it's a, now this is another odd shaped pool. It's like a boomer.

I already said boomer. I think this is like, this is more of a classic bean-shaped pool, I believe, right? It was like a, it was like a you or a V. It was like in the middle of a U and a V. Hmm. Okay. I'm trying to, I'm trying to remember it now. I'm trying to like have a visual of it.

It's like a, it's like an eyebrow, like a little. lifted eyebrow like you don't believe somebody and you're like, hmm, it's like that. So then Courtney's like, so what about buddy? And they're like, yeah, we really care about buddy. Oh my God, Betty. We so love buddy or dog buddy. And then Steven's like, listen, if we have a pool, we also have to have a backyard. Okay? We can't just have no backyard. Okay. The dog needs to shit someplace. You may be by this dog, okay, and now we need to find a place for it to shit. So, um, Allison, one of Allison's complaints is that she doesn't like that the door in one of the bathrooms, um, opens up and hits the vanity. So like, I mean, that's fair. And this is a Home Depot purchase vanity that doesn't even fit in the

bathroom. Like, it doesn't go all the way to the wall. It's like, like shoved in there. Yeah, it's, um, it's, yeah, there's like, there's like a shoddiness to this whole place. Like, definitely not befitting future, you know, soda barons. But, you know, but it's like fine. It's not like outwardly, It's not like outright bad, but it's not great. And especially compared to the first one, which really was. I think it's bad. I think it's really bad. Because when you see things like that in a flip and they're like proud of it being a flip, like, hey, we flip this house.

And they haven't even screwed in a light switch. You're fucked. I mean, there's foundation issues. You know what I mean? Oh, there's totally going to be issues at this place. Yeah. So let's move on to house number three. So they're driving along to house number three.

And Allison's, they're closer to the. They're closer to the downtown, but you wouldn't know it because every neighborhood has looked exactly the same. And Allison, by the way, and also the exteriors of house number one and house number two were nearly identical. So Allison, of course, hates this because it's too close to the city, even though it's clearly still suburban. And she's like, hmm, well, it looks like a lot of these houses are a lot smaller and a lot older, huh? He's like, well, that'll be you soon enough. Yeah, she's like, gross. This is so gross.

And Courtney's like, is this a little more city for you? come on Steven, let's come on in. And Stephen's like, okay, honey, now keep an open relationship. I mean, mind, keep an open mind in here. Okay, come on. So they walk in, it's a long, like living room, very long and narrow. Yeah. And it's walled off.

It's like closed concept in a bad way. Yeah. But then you make a right at the end of the room into the kitchen, but then the kitchen is open to another space. So it's kind of an open concept over there. This one doesn't know what it is. Yeah, it doesn't. The ceilings are low. Steven's trying to find good things about it because it's close to the city.

You know, he's, he likes that. He's like that it's an open concept from the kitchen to the dining room den area. But it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not great. He wants to be correct, I think, more than anything. But I am kind of on his side about this because also, first of all, Dallas, even though I just shit talked to, is a really nice city and it's a really fun place. And it would be nice to live downtown. I would love to live around the actual city,

not necessarily downtown, but you know, Dallas is very gorgeous. Also, he has a point about the backyard. I mean, this one's city, but it has a huge backyard and half the backyard is cement. So the kids could actually ride their bikes out there. Plus, they could go running the grass and they wouldn't drown.

So I'm kind of with him. And he, Stephen even says something really wild. He goes, he, because he'd like, the backyard and he goes he goes I'd go so far as to say we can put a nice pergola back there like wow okay this is well Stephen Stephen's getting excited yeah um so let's see so Elizabeth's like well I guess we could put a pool in later no Elizabeth give up the fucking pool Elizabeth everyone you know we'll have pools everyone has has a pool okay just go to a friend's house so they now they're in their office drinking their drink they're oh my god this blue

blueberry, strawberry probiotic is amazing. Isn't it, Stephen? He's like, yes. This cheesecake-flavored probiotic. So then these entrepreneurs are facing the end of their lease and they're trying to find a house that's the best for Stephen to sneak out of at night. House number one is big and wonderful and universally adored by the audience. House number two, sad, incomplete.

Likely will cause an electrocution. Horrible. Like, is it the set of Roseanne? Fucking terrible. How did this place pass inspection? House number three? Extremely mediocre, but Stephen's closer to a blowjob. What will he choose?

Ding dong! So they go with house number two. I thought for sure they were going for house number one. I thought for sure. I mean, house number one was the only decent option here. house number two and then I remember it and then we see a flash of their home and it's disgusting I mean they have no taste is what I was reminded of because we see what they've done you know when they're like and then we see a couple months down the line what they've done with this house that terrible

bachelor furniture is in their living room it's hideous and then they have this big bed in their every room is gray and hideous and they have this bed they're in the master they have the bed against the wall and then in front of it they have like a couch bed but it's not a couch bed, it's just a couch. Yeah. So, like, the back is way too high and it doesn't go to the length of the bed. I mean, you two are fucking hopeless. It is, it is really crazy.

However, they did put in a gas stove. I was happy when I saw that. They do mention it, but I saw it. I was like, yes, she got the gas stove. Good for her. And in the end, it was all worth it. But he's no big spender either. He doesn't get that much credit.

She's like, you let me get a guest. I was like, the smallest one they sell. Like, what are you going to have? What are you going to cook one? One burger? Like, yeah. You know, and then they also talked about how when they moved in, there was no light in like the bedroom or the bathroom or something like that for two weeks. And it was like a shoddy ass house.

We also didn't mention this one doesn't have a closet at all. Oh, is this the one that didn't have the closet? I thought that was house number three. This one doesn't have the closet? I think it's this one that doesn't have the closet. No, that can't be. Yeah, because we saw what they did with it. They outside the closet, they put those really cheap metal shelves from.

Home Depot or well I got mine from Amazon I have them that's how I know what they are but they're like ten dollars and they are stacking their oh I'm embarrassed listen in the end it was all worth it because our investment pays off Stephen takes off a shirt and goes swimming and I was like see that's all I that's what I said too I was like finally shirtless finally fucking sureless I was like could we have gotten a little more of this throughout the episode come on now and also we don't see the dog unless I'm mistaken but I think Courtney took the dog Courtney is like like, fine, Stephen. I see where I am. I'm taking the dog because I know this dog was meant for me. Because, you know, it's one of those things where he bought the dog for Courtney. And then Allison found

the dog by accident. It was like, is this for me? And he had to be like, yeah, buddy is totally for you. He's like, I can't be with you, but this dog will be with you every day to remind you of me. And now Courtney roams the supermarket. Her hair disheveled makeup like around her lips, still like reciting lines like she's a future anchor lady and she walks by the poppy, the splam. It's fucking poppy and rams her cart into it, knocks it over. Fucking celery soda. That's a kick her out. Dragon Buddy behind her.

He's got mange. It's just limping behind her. I'll never drink that soda. All right, everybody. Well, that brings us to the end of Dwell. Hello. Thank you so much for being here. We'll be seeing you in the next couple of weeks.

If you want to suggest something to us an episode that you like, come over to our Instagram and suggest it in the comments over there on these Dwell hello posts. and we will read them and probably do your episode. We love good suggestions. Thanks for listening, everyone. Talk to you on the next one. Bye.