Watch What Crappens - Dwell Hello 316: De Nada Granada

Episode Date: August 18, 2023

A hipster couple moves to Spain and wants everything in House Hunters International Vol 7, S169E05: De Nada Granada. We were cracking up in this episode. We hope you do too!Find bonus episodes at patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens and follow us on Instagram @watchwhatcrappens @ronniekaram @benmandelker Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Well, hello, and welcome to Dwell hello, the Watcher Crappins House Hunters podcast. I'm Ben. That's Ronnie. How's it going, Ronnie? Good. What's going on with you, baby? Oh, not much. Just excited to dive into today's recap. Today we are doing House Hunters International, Volume 7, Season 169, Episode 5, Danada, Granada. that's available on Max, formerly known as HBO Max, but just the key there is Danada Granada. That is the episode.

And what a funny, funny episode. I love an episode where two young people, especially hipsters, go off to another country, think that they can just get whatever they want. It just warms my heart. It does. This was a really odd couple. There were some things going on with this couple.

I didn't really understand. I didn't really know what to make of them. The mustache. The mustache. I mean, people really don't understand the power of a mustache. And I guess some people, it brings in positive power because otherwise, why would you still wear a mustache? I've never really understood it, but people still wear them.

So I guess there's like some kind of mystique that people get into. But it also has the power to do evil. This guy, they show this guy, Sam. in pictures when they first met. This guy is like Abercrombie model face, like gorgeous. And then they show him now and he has a mullet and a mustache. Yeah. And you're using your powers for bad mustache.

And it's not just like any mustache because, you know, there are good mustaches. But this guy, his mustache is like extra wide. It like starts to like encroach on the cheek in a way that's not natural. It looks like a clock at three. 40 or 2.45. It's just like it's not it's not it's like two arms. It's like it's not the same length, but it's really wide going all the way across and uneven and strange. It's like baby's first hipster mustache. And it's skinny. It's not like skinny on purpose, you know, because sometimes people will shave in a skinny mustache. It's not skinny on purpose. It's just like it's like it's like a pipe

cleaner. It's like it's like a butter knife. It's been bent unevenly. Yeah. It's like a it's like a pipe cleaner wrapped around a butter knife and it's on his face and it's deeply distracting. And so just just just started from that energy just for that energy. Just deeply distract like to the point where I was like, is he okay? And is she okay? Because certainly she would have said something to him because this isn't okay. This is not okay. But the magic of this episode, I just want to say is that on top of everything else, these two Portland, hipsters are paired with a foppish old Brit. And it's really like just magic.

It's just television magic. And he's amazing. And he's just trying to have this positive attitude here in Grenada. And you're like, what is he doing here? What happened to this man? What is he running from? Because I feel like he's running from something. He's definitely giving like a manny Poppins energy.

He's like, I can be Mary Poppins of Granada, but a man version. But also really judgy and then turns hateful, but while being positive, which Mary Poppins was kind of hateful in her way too, you know, which I guess would make sense. Okay, so we start in flamenco class, which, L.O.L. This killed me. Just because this guy, it's not only his mustache, it's like his whole personality. Have you ever seen a two-year-old staring at a bulletin board at Starbucks? You know, like while their mom is getting straws ready for the drink, how they have those bulletin boards. And you just see that toddler staring up trying to make sense of it all. I remember looking at that one time and just thinking it was hilarious. Like, what must this kid think, you know?

That's what Sam looks like. The look in his eyes is like trying to comprehend what's in front of him, but also too weak. to really truly ever understand. I don't know how else to explain it. Yeah. Well, I think this was his first time interfacing with rhythm. And so he was fascinated by this idea that like sounds could go together in a way, in a pattern. And he's like, oh, and then we move to it. He's just like, this is interesting. But it's just the look, the way he speaks, there's just something about him. I'm trying to, it's like, it's like I want to feed him with a, spork, you know, be like, you're doing great. Your mullet looks great. Like, I don't know what

happened to him, but something happened to him. Like, he crashed into something. I don't know. Or like he just, like a tree just fell on his head. He's like, do you do do do, little birds just tweeting around his head. I don't know. So Linda tells us, recent college grads Sam and Sabrina are leaving Oregon to teach English in Granada, Spain. He enjoyed eating cup of noodles for the next three years. Idiots. Can't wait till everyone in Spain learns bad mustache curation. Good luck with that.

And so the flamenca, oh, no, they're talking to a vendor on the street because they're street shopping now. And this woman goes, you're going to live here? Good luck. I'm looking for an apartment too. And I was like, oh, my God. I love the competition. She's like, fuck you, newbies.

Don't take the fucking place I want to get. I put a deposit down. So Linda's like, but living together for the first time, for the first time, has Sabrina's wanted all attitude testing Sam's conservative mustache. I mean nature. And then it cuts to Sam just like, B, B,

B, B. Just a solid buzz coming out of his skull as he stares into the camera and drool coming down the side of his mouth. And you know Linda hates them, because by her saying conservative nature, she says that intentionally, knowing that Sam,

who's probably extremely liberal, is probably like, I'm not conservative. I'm not, I'm not, I stand for, like, I voted for Bernie. I mean poor.

That's what I mean. So Sabrina is like, well, I'm not sure how this is going to challenge our relationship. She's a smile talker where she like smiles and kind of like pout talks to the camera. Like that's her charm. It's her smile. And so she's like, I'm not sure how this is going to challenge our relationship. Yeah. Well, she smiles because she's not of Portland.

She's from Nashville. We find out she's from Nashville and she moved to Portland. But Sam is actually born and raised in Portland, except for a stint, you know, overseas. So that's why he sort of has the aloof, hipsster attitude because he was born with it. It's like in the water in Portland. So you say aloof. I say numb. I mean, numb.

That's fine. I accept. It's almost like he ran into it. There was a nail sticking out of a door and he just kind of ran into it enough to lobotomize himself and then just kept watching this you know he has personality tetanus so then also in this she goes i'm not sure how it's going to challenge our relationship and then we cut to them standing in a doorway and then mr furli's just popping his head in like the real estate guy pops his head in and uh he's an older white-haired guy with an accent and he's like i feel something of a duty of

care for these two and then it cuts to sam and he goes i'm a little little concern that sometimes all need time away and then the real estate guy's like this is prepared for a couple of children don't you think? Sabrina goes and no and I was like oh my god this couple is

someone's going to get murdered in this couple and Sam or the real estate guy is actually worried for this couple didn't you get that from the edit he's definitely giving overbearing babysitter he's like I'll be you two are my walls and when you have your children I'll be the

caretaker. I was like, okay. He's just waiting for a family that will invite him in. He's like a vampire. I thought Sam was like, I'm going to need some time away from her. And he's like,

I feel like a duty of care to get her away from Sam. Not because Sam's any sort of physical danger. It's just that he's just so dreadfully boring. Also, what was like, I forgot what I was going to say. Oh, I was going to say this about this guy, Nick,

the realtor. For those who have not seen who, this person is. Here's how you know what he looks like. Imagine Mary Berry, but as a man. And that's him. He looks literally like male Mary Berry. So now Sabrina's saying,

Sam and I met our first year of university. I worked at an outdoor program. And I just want to say already off the bat, I know when you live in Europe, you say we met in university. When you're in America, you don't say I live, we met in university, Sam.

We met in college. we met in school. So the fact that these two are already saying, every time they mention school, they would say, well, back at university, we would have such great times. Yeah. You're not European yet, okay? We met in uni. Yeah, they're very, like, pretentious. Like, we're from Europe now. So that's how we talk. And we see a picture of them when they met, and we see him without the mustache when they met. Like I said, fucking gorgeous. He is adorable. in that first picture. And she's like, yeah, we met the first year of uni.

I had a nose ring, he had a nose ring, but his is on the side and mine's in the middle, so I knew I could dominate him. Plus, one of us could always carry the keys, so we banged and here we are. I was working in an outdoor program. And he goes, yeah, I was a bike mechanic at the same organization, Sabrina worked for. So it was a bit funny because we were trying. I was like, is somebody typing words into you as they come out of your mouth? Why are you talking like that?

Well, he was definitely doing that, the gens, the hipster way of talking, which is like, I was a bike mechanic for the same organization that's arena worked for. And it was like a bit funny because we're trying to keep a professional in the workplace. And then look up and just give me hard eyes. Oh, I thought he said hard eyes. And I was like, geez, it's like porny. And then they cut to him. And he's like in a river?

I guess he was like river rafting and probably just fallen off the boat. And so he's kind of flailing in the water and he's making a face like, but it's a frozen picture. It's not a video. So it's like she was giving me hard eyes and it's just cut stone going, I love that he. They also can't mention the quote unquote organization by name. That's like whatever like biking tour they got,

it's like, you know, like weekend bike tours of Portland, Oregon. Like we can't mention it. They haven't given us the sign off. So she's like, I would say it's the other way around. Sam was always distracting me on purpose, okay? It was his fault that I led a group of tourists into a ravine by accident. So then Sam is like, yeah, Portland is home. But when I was eight, we moved to Dublin for three years.

And I had green hair. So it made me want to explore Europe. It was like, Dublin did her, your green hair. What? Who are you? Who raised you? And then they cut back to him. And he doesn't look like the same kid at all with the green hair.

No. And I also got very depressed because his childhood photo was like sharp and crisp and clear. And I was like, oh, yeah, we're getting to that part in society where people's childhood photos are just like digital photos. And they're like, they're all good as opposed to like those semi-blurry sepia-toned photos of the 80s and 90s. Now it's like, oh, shit. Children's photos are good now. Speaking of, actually, this is a, I guess, a new episode, right? this is a modern episode because we record a lot of classic we we recap a lot of like 10 year old 20 year old episodes we don't care

but this one i think is new because god the scenery was just stunning i mean looking at this town and all the architecture was just beautiful and high definition and they look so cute and high deaf and then the editors put in a lot more jokes now like that him drowning in a life jacket which was hilarious And then they have this like a new way of showing the map that's like Game of Thrones where they like zoom in and everything on the map is 3D and then like a little castle pops up. It was wonderful. Really great production values. Also, by the way, another reason why I don't trust Sam is that he doesn't understand fans because Sabrina, they're in like a gift shop.

And Sabrina has a fan. And so she puts it in front of her face. She poses with it in front of her face and giving coy eyes. And he's like, pull it down so I can see her face a little. And she's like, um. That's the whole point of a fan photo. Do you understand fans? Idiot.

And Linda tells us, and after heading to Europe once before, they're heading back and setting their sights on Spain, where Sam found them positions as English teachers. English teachers? You just called up and got you both positions. Are there no standards? How can you find you both positions?

Like, okay, you'll hire me. Will you also hire my girlfriend? she's coming with me. And they're like, sure. It's just Granada. We're very loose with our English here. Just bring whoever you want. Do you have any other friends who need a job as a professor?

Sure. Oh, you need some tenure? Okay, we'll have that waiting for you in a bike when you get back, a bike bag when you get back. I know. I was like, what program is this? Is this like English for future bike guides of Granada? So Sabrina's like, just having graduated university, because we're European now, My degree is in environmental studies.

Really? You went to Portland for school and came out with a degree in environmental studies. I'm shocked. And she's like, this is a totally new experience. And she's like, and then Sam says I was a math teacher in university, but I never taught languages. So this will be a big change. I was like, well, sounds great. This is already off to a great start.

I can't wait to hearing all the people walking around Granada speaking in, of course, I know, because he said his major was math in university, he was a new teacher. So he majored in math, but now he's going to go teach English somewhere. Granada. Let's talk about some standards, okay? I'm going to move there just so I can get on city council and get these two fired, because I don't trust him with my children that I could have had. You just already can see people interviewing. So you want to be an English teacher, and so you studied Spanish in college. Yes, and you know. University I studied environmental sciences. Oh, and Spanish, no, I just, I know about, you know, things going bad in the environment. Okay, but you can speak Spanish? No, no, but I can tell you about carbon emissions. Okay, you're hired. Great. Oh, my God. So, so crazy. So then we get Nick Snelling. He's like, hello, I'm Nick Snelling. If Granada isn't at the top of your bucket list, than crimony crackers.

Crimmany cracker bottoms. Crimidly, buckling, buttley, boom, for heaven's sake. Put it there right now. We've got mountains. We've got plains. We've got desert. Oh, culture. Food.

Granada's known for its spectacular medieval architecture and of course the Alhambra. So Sabrina's like, this will be my first time moving abroad, which is surprising since I say university so much. And Sam and I will have our own place together. And what's most important is that we have a place that's relaxed and comfortable. I'm like, you guys are both English teachers in a foreign country. You guys are going to be living in a box. Let's be honest. Yeah.

And he's like, she's just focused on the amenities, but it's important to not spend too much. And she's like, yeah, I think this move is going to really make us see every part of each other. And hopefully things will go smoothly. Is there more to see of each other beyond the mustache? I feel like once you see the mustache, that's all you need to see, and then you move forward. Find someone else. Find like your Javier Bardem in Spain.

Right. So then, next cycle, one of the things about moving to a university city is everyone's looking for a nice flat in the center of Grenada. It's highly competitive. So I feel of something of duty of care because they're so young. And I was like, oh, that was tricky editing. Because they made me think Nick was worried that Sam was going to murder. to Sabrina. And I'm like, wait a minute. This is a nicer episode than they led me to believe.

But it is also kind of funny that he's saying that. He probably says that a lot. He's like, Oh, hello, Marjorie. I'm afraid I can't come to your dinner party tonight because I have a duty of care tonight with two young children moving to Granada. And Sabrina does this thing. My sister does this too. It makes me crazy. She goes, I'm really hoping we can have a terrace so I can have somewhere to have my coffee in the morning. Really? You have to have somewhere specific that's outdoors to have your coffee. My sister's been looking for a place and everywhere we go look at. She's like, can I have my coffee out here in the morning?

I'm like, who is? You know, it's funny because when this girl said that, I was like, I like that. I do want to find a little place for me to have coffee in the morning. Like theoretically, I like to think of myself as. Well, you do have one. But the difference is like I'm not going to, I'm not going to get a place for the coffee area. I'm going to try to find the coffee area in my place. I just, yeah, I mean, I drink it while I'm talking to you or, I mean, I don't, I don't know.

Or like, like, I'm working. I have this romantic notion like Sabrina herself that every morning I'm going to like sit outside in a little chair and read my book and drink my coffee. And you know when I drink my coffee is right now when we speak. This is my romantic notion of coffee. This is the reality of when I drink my coffee. That's a reality, right? Like who sits there and thinks about their coffee? Literally no one.

And my sister, we looked at a place and the master bedroom had a little balcony, okay? And it was upstairs and the balcony overlooks the streets. So you see the neighbors across the street. And she's like, I love this because I can have my coffee in the morning. I said, okay, so you're going to wake up, you're going to go downstairs. You're going to make yourself coffee. Then you're going to climb back up the stairs with the coffee and then sit on the fucking, basically, the porch on the second floor where all of your neighbors can see you sitting there in a bathroom. Do you know what they're going to think of you?

you're a weird fucking pervert. There's the coffee drinker. Yeah. There's that weird lady in her bathroom. Checking us out. Coffee rubs out again. While she pretends to drink coffee.

And then you're going to have to take your damn cut back downstairs. So stop romanticizing fucking coffee. You're a drug addict and this is poison we're putting in ourselves. But also. Every fucking morning. Let's stop lying to ourselves. But on top of that, like I'm not even going to say, like don't fantasize about having a coffee nook.

But what I am going to say is if you're 22 and you've just emerged from college with an environmental studies degree and you are living in a foreign country and you and your boyfriend are teaching English and you never been English teachers before, you don't have enough money to fantasize about coffee nooks. Your coffee nook is your bed. Okay. Like this is, cross this one off the left. You know what you need to be fantasizing about when you're willing to pay $5 a month in a foreign place?

You need to fantasize that there's no lead in your water, okay? Where is that? It's about a roof on this show. F fantasize about walls and a roof, okay? Let's start there. Your 21-year-old English teachers. One of my dreams is to live in a place where the wiring is done correctly by a professional so I don't burn in my sleep to death. Would that be possible?

How about that? Where's that fantasy? And I just want to say I'm not shading teachers. I'm just being realistic about the fact that when you're 22 and you're a teacher in a foreign country teaching English, you're not making a huge income. Well, because her budget, she's like, okay, I want a terrace for my coffee. I want all sunlight. It has to be totally sunlight. It needs to be in the city, by the way.

It needs to be all windows. And I want a bath. A tub to relax in from your four. sessions that you're going to do a week. So she's a tub to relax in as opposed to the coffee nook to relax while she drinks her coffee and as opposed to the natural light where she

can relax the natural light. Girl loves to relax. I get it. Nick is like, oh, and how am I going to find all this? If I mention that we've got mountains and plains and deserts and culture and food and what's the me of course. Nick, please don't bust into your

Granada song again. I just want a tub and light and coffee space. Granada, we've got style. So, Sam, of course, is like, and we also need to walk to restaurants and shops. And Sabrina's like, yeah, and be in the center of town. I was like, okay. And have an oven.

And have an oven, too. And the oven. And sounds like, and plus, we'll be making less money than we were making in Oregon. So I'm really hoping to spend less than 650. No one knows how much money you were making in Oregon, and no one cares. Life isn't based on what you were making in Oregon, okay? Reality is based on what shit costs right now, Sam. Also, I love Nick's face as he realizes his commitment to this duty of care has been dreadfully chosen.

Because when she's like, oh, and an oven is really important to me. He goes, right, right, okay. Like his eyes are going like, okay, so she wants a coffee nook. oven light okay and then when Sam goes and we want to spend less than $650 he goes Golly

Golly! He goes Golly! Golly! Golly! Golly, gobsmackers. And so Sabrina's like I'm also frugal but not nearly to the same extent as Sam. He really

takes it to the next level and then let's see what Sam has to say about that. He's so frugal he won't even spend the money on shaving cream. I mean, look at that mustache. So, goodness me, it's not going to be easy, but I will get these children in shape whether I have to fly them over to dance with penguins in a carnival or have a row with a bunch of chimney suites. Whatever it takes to give them the income they need to pay for this. They're flat. I need to give them more attention and more care than ever before, which is an actual

quote. What the fuck are you talking about? I'm not getting paid enough for this. What are you getting 10% of their first month's rent? You're going to make $60 off this job. Okay? Stop carrying this hard. He has just some weird fetish pretending to be Alfred from Batman. So now they're driving along to the first place and they're in different cars. But Nick is speaking to them on the phone.

He goes, now if you look to the right, just in the distance you'll see the Alhambra. The Alhambra, the most famous palace in Spain. And you know that, like, Sam is like, they make bras out of all ham, an all ham braw? That's crazy. So let's go see, number one. Okay, guys, now we're going into the center of Grenada. So House 1, the modern. So, Nick's like, one of my concerns here is Sam.

This is slightly over the amount he wants to pay. And the problem with Sabrina is it doesn't have a tub. but my goodness will this be worth it. Good golly. Five minutes away from the cathedral, fantastic lively area, and here we're going to go and see a lovely flat in a neighborhood called criminally crickets,

two bedrooms, one bath, and a hug at the end of the day from old Uncle Nicky. Some might say this flat is, I don't know, super caliphrodite is the gaspialadocious. So, uh, the one drawback is it, $700 a month. So Sam is like, um,

okay, but if it's like a nice place, but the price is too high, it might not be a good fit for me. But like, maybe for her it would be the perfect fit. I'm like, listen,

okay, I understand you guys are on a shoestring budget because you guys are English teachers. You're also on a shoestring mustache, by the way. You also have a shoestring mustache. But also, are you saying that over the course of a month,

neither of you can scrounge up 25 more dollars? I don't mean to count other people's money, but you're checking flamenco glasses. So let's just like have one less meal. That's so true. Like one less flamenco class and you could afford this apartment. Yeah, $25. Okay, if it were like $200 over, $300, fine,

but you're two people splitting $50 extra dollars. Yes. Also, you could just ask that lady you were talking to on the street. She's still looking for a place. Yeah. Can I just say this apartment is adorable? Yes. Yes, it is.

You can tell right at the beginning that this is going to be the best one. It is already adorable. It's already adorable. Modern slick apartment. It has iron bars on the windows, but I think everywhere does here because it's very tight city streets and, you know, you don't want to get robbed. And also like the main living area where there's like living room, like a table, it's this nice square space. It's a nice shape. And so they go in and it's got Harvard floor.

and Sam goes, it's very modern, as if that's a bad thing, right? Yeah. So then she's like, well, it's nice to be able to see the cobblestone out the window. I'm like, really? It's nice to be able to see the cobblestone. She goes, love the cobblestone, but you know what? I think the streets are too narrow. Oh, okay, Sam, let's rebuild the town for you.

Okay? We'll just make wider streets in the downtown area that you want to live. Because, well, it's going to be very difficult to find a place with lots of light in the historic. It's very hot here during the summer, and we all know that Sam doesn't use deodorant. Sorry, Sam. But, you know, they knew what they were doing years ago. Narrow streets give you shade. We might call that environmentally conscious air conditioning environmental studies girl.

It's like gross. You can also smell your neighbors in the summer. It's quite lovely, very close to everybody. And coming through here, we've got the kitchen. And guess what? An oven. Or as we like to call them where I come from, from fairy tales, the place you cook children when they're naughty, naughty little.

Sorry, sorry, I'm slipping into my duty of care. My previous ward was a witch, so I sort of took on some other habits. So Nick is like, you can bake to your heart's content. And Sabrina's like, oh, I love to cook and do. Like an oven just makes me feel at home. So stay home. You know, I want people do that. I want to move to a different country and make sure the place that I'm moving into feels exactly like the place I just moved from.

Well, also, I just wonder sometimes watching international, it really is crazy to want an oven, right? Like, it seems like a luxury to have an oven. I'm like, I think sometimes we really just don't realize how lucky we are to have cake. Yeah. Man, I think we need to all, like, take a moment. and just like be thankful for being cake a cake country. Maybe this is why remember we talked about this, that book that was like, this is why French people are skinny, you know?

And it's like, oh, people in Europe, they're so skinny because they walk everywhere. I'm like, maybe it's also they just don't have ovens and they don't make cake for themselves because I have an oven and I'm making cake for myself and it's not working out for me. You are skinny though, whatever. I've got like a dad bodd like with weird lumps and man boobs. It's disgusting. God. Shut up.

So, they go to the master bedroom. I need an oven to feel like I'm at home. And they go to the master bedroom and there's wallpaper, which I think the wallpaper is fine. And she's like, look at the wallpaper. I am not a fan. Your boyfriend has a mustache and a mullet that looks crazy. And she doesn't like it because it's got like cursive writing all over it, which is kind of annoying. You know, it's like all these little squigglys that look like writing.

It's like Lauren Ipsum, but that's literally what your boyfriend has on his face, too. Your boyfriend is the wallpaper. You can date a man with squiggles on his face. You can live in a home with squiggles on the walls. You have forfeited your right to complain about aesthetics because you were dating Sam. Okay, I'm sorry to be that way, but honestly, like, I wouldn't have said anything if you didn't shade that wallpaper. So she's like, yeah, I'm not a fan of the wallpaper. And Sam goes, it's okay.

And Sabrina tells us, Sam is way more. expressive than tells the eye, which makes no sense, by the way. And God bless whoever you're teaching English. If you watch, well, I guess it does. It's like old-timey English, right? Then tells the eye. Sam is more expressive than tells the eye I learned in uni. If you watch out for it, he's very expressive in his body language. I wrote down that she wrote, he's more expressive than meets the eye. as long as he keep an eye out for it, he tells a lot with his body language. So I wonder.

Well, guess who's not teaching English in Granada, me, Ronnie Karam. That's here. Also, he's not expressive in his body language. He literally moves like a coat rack

being wheeled down a street. He literally moves like one of those stand-up steamers that you attach your shirts to. He's not expressive in any form whatsoever. And he's one of those people that's so lacking in expression that anything you, any sort of tells you're getting are just things you're projecting onto him. Yeah. I'm looking at his body language right now.

I'm reading it. Let me see. I hear it. It's saying I've killed multiple people and you're never going to find them. So good luck. You have to take a bike to find the burial site. So then they have, okay. So here's why I'm really mad.

The most awkward serial killer ever. He kills people. and then loads them over the bike to take them to their burial spot. Because he's still environmentally conscious. He's like, just because I'm killing people doesn't mean I have to leave a carbon footprint. The green killer. So now, okay, this is where these two dumb-dums have really gone wrong. Because now we look at the guest bedroom.

And this is the first time it really dawns on me that they are looking for a guest. If you're on a, if you're on a teacher salary, dual teacher salary, why are you putting guest bedrooms into your budget? You should be looking for a one bedroom apartment and look at all the money you would be saving. I think so he can get away. I think that's why he keeps saying. I really do, though.

I think that he, like, wants his private room that he can go to and get the hell away from her, which he kind of explains later. No, he wants to play video games and watch TV. I'm sorry. later. I'm sorry because like for these two idiots to have a guest room what what self-respecting adults are going to fly all the way to Spain just to cram onto that these nasty ass twin mattresses these two have out like I'm not going to like no I'm sorry I'm going to spring if you're if you're I'm going to put in the extra $40 to go find a cheapo motel rather than stay in

this guest room with these two. So Nick's like, this guest room, it's prepared for a couple of children, no. And Sam goes, well, it looks tight, but if we have friends or family, I guess we won't. But it is a room for guests. I mean, that's in the title of the room. Guess who will soon be very disappointed and never visit again. And he tells us, I'm concerned that my introverted personality, sometimes I'm going to need time away.

and this apartment is big enough. Like, I think it will be perfect for the both of us. It's like, what is wrong with this person? And he's like, I need to get away. So they need to eat up a chunk of their budget so that way he has space to not talk to her. So now they have, the bathroom is modern. It's not only is it modern, it's a nice bathroom and it has a very nice shower, but since there's no tub, Sabrina, of course, is unhappy.

Yeah, I'm sorry, I just had a brain fart. I was like, where am I? Topichiko. I could see it the the Topo chico just infiltrated your brain right there and I should well we did a lot of recaps we did a couple of really heavy below recap below deck recaps today before this so we did like three hours on that and which I'm not like oh I'm tired it's not that I just like had one of those moments where the bubbles hit my brain I was like I just kind of came back to life I feel like I was dead and then I just got back you went to you went to the other side in the middle I did I was like come towards you

the mustache. Come back to it's the mustache, darling. You've gone to the other side and you've come back. I have a duty of care. So, Sabrina's like, yeah, where's the bathtub? I'm not seeing the bathtub.

And he's like, oh, a little bit short of a tub. A small compromise for Great Flat, which is also how we describe Sam's dancing in a Flamenco class. Great Flat. Okay, so now we go to couples massage and they're doing Matt Zitty back, which I don't know why they needed to share that with us. But guess what? That's also another way you could have money to spend on the nice apartment. So I don't want to hear you two complaining with your fucking couples massage and your flamenco. You're over there living like Daddy Warbuxes.

Why are you having a spa day and that you're not willing to spend $25 at a decent apartment? And they just show Matt's face all scrunched up in the missile. I love that they're like, guys, I took a picture too. I took a picture of her. I forgot. I did this at 2 in the morning. I totally forgot. I took this photo.

Oh, my God. I have to show you too. This isn't even on video. We just have to show each other to like prove that we're on the same page. That's so funny. This is definitely going to be the thumbnail for this. Hold on. I'm going to.

Like God, if you're out to. Oh, God. these two idiots in their in their janky massage look it's mine too yeah we'll just put them side by side for the thumbnail for this episode oh my god so they're sitting there and then they're like getting into the getting into this little jacuzzi thing Sam's like this massage is very deep and Sabrina goes we we needed exactly this you know it's been six or seven days of doing nothing and sometimes you just need to get that nothing ironed right out of you. I mean, it's been six days. I've only relaxed on one terrace in three windows full of sunlight and two baths. You know, my long 45 minute bath was so stressful last night. I just really needed a massage right now.

Well, Sabrina wants the bells and whistles no matter the costs. But being recent grads with no prospects for a decent living is keeping them to the bare minimum. So Sabrina's like, yeah, I'm not sure how this is going to change our relationship living together. Those are things you really can't find out until you do it. And I'm like, what have these two been together for two weeks? And Sam is like, yeah, I feel like I might need some time away to watch some TV or, you know, play some video games. And Sabrina might be more extroverted and like spending time with people. So that's going to be a growing pain and we have to figure out how they do that together. And then he just sinks down into the jacuzzi to try to get away from her.

He does like the graduate. You know what's also a really good, maybe instead of playing video games, you could get another job to pay for some of these extravagances that you guys want. Okay. How about that? Also, wait, by the way, these idiots, they're in a relationship in Portland and they've never lived together before and they decide the time that they want to try living together is in a foreign country. I really can't. So Nick is beside himself. And I love watching Nick slowly start

to lose it with these people as the episode goes on. He's like, well, Sam, Sam is very conscious about how he spends. So I'm going to take them to a real low amount rent to really show him what they'll get for being cheap fucks. So let's go there. And this one's slightly apart from the historic area. You understand, don't you? Yes. Sounds very conscious about how much he spends,

which apparently includes spa days. So just like the theme music from American Horror Story. Like, Oh, it's always difficult to find something that's going to please both parties. These are young, stupid American people. They're used to modern, sleek apartments that their parents pay for.

And this flat is a little bit dated, much like Sam's look. But by God, it's cheap. By golly. So, house number two traditional. So we're ten minutes away from history, but

it's $5.50 a month. We've got beds, two bedrooms, one bath, a balcony for Sabrina to jump off of when she's depressed by the shittiness of this space. And realizes that she's dating a hopeless male named Sam. Don't say I didn't warn you. Warn you. So then they go into this bathroom, and I have to say about this bathroom tile, the style of

it is dyed at the edges. It's all the edges of the tile, and they're green. And so it makes the tile look like it's got green mold growing out. I know. I was like, is this a look, or is this just? mold. I was like, what's going on here? And it's one of those things where you don't want to be like, oh my God, now you're making fun of another culture. And these are traditional tiles and this part of the, I'm sorry, I don't care where you're from. Do not make it look like you've got mold coming out of

your tile grout. Yeah. That shouldn't be allowed anywhere. So that being said, so they walk in and you walk through the front door, there's a long hallway and directly to the left there was the first bathroom. And this bathroom has the tub in it. So Nick is like, look right here. Yeah, Sabrina, it's a tub. And she's like, oh, but I don't like the tiling. And the tub is pink. That's like not my favorite combination. Ma'am, you don't get to.

First of all, you're a hipster, so you should like a pink tub. You should be like, oh, it's retro. It's cool. Now all of a sudden you want like your, your like Joanna Gaines bathroom. No, that's not going to happen. You got your tub. You're willing to pay $5. This is what a $5 tub gets you.

You'll get used to the tile. Yeah. And Sam, first of all, this apartment, nowhere near. I mean, it's not nice. This is not a good apartment, okay? It's really old. It's all dated. I think it's kind of nasty.

I didn't hate it, though. I didn't hate it. But it's nowhere nearly as good as the first apartment. I just thought, yeah, it was just gross. And so the only thing Sam says, like the only thing he cares about, he's like, the furniture is a little dated. He goes, the furniture looks a little dated. You know what else does? You fucking do.

What do you? My dad, the first time he drove, like, a truck combined with a station wagon in the 70s? Like, who are you trying to be right now? Who are you to make something? You've got a mullet, dude. That's what you're calling dated. This is like, this is like era appropriation what they do. Because, like, he takes the mullet, he puts on the mustache. He goes for the retro dated look, like intentionally out of style, intentionally of like the 80s or the 90s. But then when actually faced with stuff from that era, he's like, oh, no, no, no, I don't want this. He just wants to take what he wants to take from it. Yeah, you take the good, you take of the bad, you take them both, and there you have. The truth of the 60s, the truth of the 60s.

The duty of care. The duty of care. You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both, and there you have your wards. A place to have coffee. A place to have coffee. A pink tub because you can afford it. So guess what? The kitchen's small and guess what?

There's also not an oven. Okay. But he likes cabinets. Sam likes cabinets. And Sabrina's like, great. Well, the cabinets don't fit an oven. Oh, and there's a little tabletop oven. What's this a toaster?

Can this bake a cake, Nick? And he's like, well, the temperature goes to 230 degrees Celsius. So, you idiot. It's not about how hot it can get. It's like you can't fit a cake. pan in there. God, this guy Sam really is the worst. But there is a balcony that Sabrina loves. She's like, this is exactly where I want to have my coffee. But unfortunately, I can't have cake with it. So I'm not sure if this balcony even works anymore if there's no cake.

What's a life with coffee without cake? That's what I want to know. Oh, the questions we ask ourselves, my love. Well, I think, shut up you. You just shut your goddamn mouth, Sam. So then Sam, Sam is like, I'm not a fan of the dated walls and the siding and even the door. You don't get to complain about the door when you want to pay $550. Okay. The only thing in this picture I'm surprised that's dated is you. I cannot believe somebody is dating you.

You are literally the biggest ding-dong. Does the door open? Does the door close? Then you're set. Okay. So they go into this guest room. It's like a prison cell. It is terrible.

It's like a cement room with a tiny little bed. I mean, it's bad. Okay, also, is this a one that had a moving, a packing blanket as the comforter? That was this one, right? I don't know, but I think we neglected to say that at one point while they're walking around this place, being real judgy about everything,

about the door and the siding, and they're pink tub. They're being real judgy. Sam has the balls. in the middle of this to say in university, I slept with a mattress on the floor. And now that I'm living in with Sabrina, it's important for us to have nice furnishings.

You slept with a mattress on the floor, so I don't want to hear your complaints about a door, okay? This woman had to have sex with you inches from plywood. Okay, so or whatever flooring is, hardwood, carpet, mung, whatever it is. So you know what? If you can deal with a mattress on the floor, you can deal with a door that's not as pretty as you want it to be.

Yeah, and this is the one that has, had a master bed that was really hard and it had a packing blanket as the comforter. I mean, my God. I didn't even notice that. Like one of those like gray things with the, oh my God. With the like Chevron quilting. Yes. Oh yeah, yeah.

Oh, no. Yeah, they come with U-Hauls. So Sabrina's like, well, that wasn't what I was expecting. I didn't like the pink tub. And I'm like, I mean, I need an oven and maybe a bathroom that's a bit more updated. That would be amazing. And Nick's like, it's $550, you fucking morons, all right? Yeah.

I'm taking risk. Oh, sorry. Yeah. No, he's like, you know, it's very difficult to find an apartment in Granada for $550, particularly a good one that's in good condition. So really, it's going to be ideal for them. And then he does this thing with his face, like the most evil British fake thing, where he goes, he just is looking.

He's so angry. And then he flashes this fake smile. He can't even commit to the fake smile. He just goes, he gives like a little British smile like, oh, darling, how poor for you? And he smiles and goes back to a scowl. Did you catch that look? He did.

Yes. Yeah, he was slowly fucking losing it. And I love it. So then we go back to flamenco class and sounds like, what shoes do men wear in flamenco? And the teacher's like, it's like tap dance. And he's like, hold on, let me try. Okay, do it.

I'm doing it. You're not moving. Uh-huh. No, you're not. You need to move your feet. I am. This just in Spain has officially ended its relationship with flamenco. They've decided it's just not worth it anymore to deal with people like Sam.

So Sabrina's like, the first time I saw Sam, I knew I wanted to keep him around. I mean, it's a beautiful. Look at him. And Sam's like, yeah, I think of it as love at first sight. Because, yeah, I saw her and she was pretty. special. I thought she's artsy and kind of alternative, which I like. We're kind of best friends. I was like, oh my God, you guys are so cute. Please don't murder her. Please. Sam and Sabrina's quest for their first place together is raising concerns over how much

of what they want they actually can get in their price range. Spoiler alert, zero. They will get absolutely zero. Now here's the part of the episode where I was gobsmacked, okay? Sabrina We've been together five years, and he's always been very money conscious. You've been together five years? You act like you've known each other two weeks. You've been having sex with him on that mattress on the floor for five years. Yeah, don't come up here pretending that you have standards now, okay? Those don't just grow on trees.

Suddenly you want a porch for your coffee, okay? How about, like, something to wipe off the dust bunnies from your ankles? Just the way they talk is crazy. She's like, I don't know how it's going to be. I mean, I like to talk to people. He's like, yeah, it might be weird because she's outgoing and I'm introverted. You guys have dated five years. Like, you don't know how to deal with this.

Weird. So, Nick goes, Sam and Sabrina are moving in together for the first time. It's really romantic, but my gosh, I wonder how it's going to work out for them. because there's no sexual chemistry, am I right? I mean, I've a duty to care, but I can only care so much. I find Sam very quiet and truly and catatonic, really, innerly deceased. And I find Sabrina utterly charming. So we're going to go back to the center of historic Grenada at the moment.

Is everyone ready? Sabrina, wheel your boyfriend, wheel your boyfriend with us. This past, regressive comment, Sam is very reserved. But Sabrina's absolutely charming. And so by a mission, you can infer, I mean that Sam is very creepy. That is not a, that's not a dichotomy of like, he's reserved, but she's very charming. No, it doesn't work that way. So he's like, I'm taking a risk.

I'm going to show them an apartment with a tub and an outside space. What more could you ask for? However, it doesn't have a tub of any natural light. really. But I love when I can show a flat. I've got a real trick up my sleeve. I'm like, you're not giving them anything they asked for. How is this a trick? No one asked for a fucking pool, dude. I, I'm just imagining like, like later this evening, Nick is hanging out with his friend Franny and she's like, oh, Nick, you haven't met anyone so long. You got to start taking risks again. She's like, what are you talking about? I do take risks. I showed a flat

with a tub without an oven. So they go to an old moorish part of town. It's only 650. And it sounds like, but that's at the top of our price range. Dude. Then what's your, it's your price range. Nobody can get a place for that amount. Like it always kills me this show.

So Sabrina's like, it's still in it though. I hate when people say our price range is like 500 to 650. And someone says, okay, here's something for 650. That's the top of our price range. Well, then it's not really your price range if you're going to complain about it. Yes, exactly. So they go to this new place, and Nick likes Sabrina now because he's like, that's it, Sabrina.

I like what you're all saying. It is in your price range. Shut up, Nick. God damn. Not charming Nick. Reserved. No speaking, not charming Nick. Wanky, banky.

Be quiet. So they go in and Nick's like, well, Now I know that you can see into the other building Because they're like These windows literally just look at another building And he's like, but something that's traditional here in Granada Blinds that you pull down Look at that

It's a persiana The blinds on the outside But the controls are on the inside Sort of makes up for an oven, right? It sounds like it's like a dungeon. I love it. Sam's already getting it. getting right to hook is legs from the ceiling like a bat.

So Nick is like, you can have complete privacy and the darkness. And Sabrina is like, you know, the lighting is just like not it. Like a lot of the windows look out into someone else's terrace. And I don't have a place where I can look out onto the city. I'm like, you're acting like this is the most convenient for you. What about the neighbors who have to go and look at you guys out there of you now? Yeah. So the couch is firm, and she's like, yeah, it is hard.

And Sam goes, yeah, that's why it's important to try it out. Because sometimes the furniture's not great. Really? With a budget of $600? That is crazy. I'm shocked to hear that. Yeah, they are so lucky they're getting places that have furniture. Yeah.

So the main bedroom has some built-ins, which is nice. But the bed is firm, so then Sabrina doesn't like that. And then the bathroom does have a tough. and it's more modern, so she really likes the tub. And the spare bedroom is nice size, but there's a lot of darkness. And Nick is like, well, I have a real problem with Sabrina on this flat because it's two bedrooms in six-half-fifty month and it's got a tub. I mean, what more could you want aside from an oven and privacy and electricity? And did I mention that the front door actually is just a, it's just a cloth and anyone can come in?

By the way, surprise, there's a swimming pool. It's communal, but it's a pool. It's a postage stamp size swimming pool in the middle of like three buildings all kind of squished together and they are thrilled, you know? She's like, this can be my bath. I'll just put soap in here and relax all day and I can relax out here with my coffee. I was shocked that she didn't immediately pick this place. Everyone watch out for when she puts cake batter in that pool and looks back.

this can make a cake, right? She's like, is this a heated pool? Honey, what is this in Celsius? 250. So, yeah, they're like really excited about the idea of having a pool. So now it's time to debate things, right? So Nick is like, well, one of the things that's puzzling to me at the moment is, who is the decision maker?

And also, why are they together? And also, how do they even get to Granada? Could they even afford the plane ticket? I'm so confused. So they're talking to us. They're on the couch talking to us. And Sam is like, you like cooking. So you have me eat banana bread sometimes.

And I like gaming. So sometimes I'll rope you into gaming with me sometimes. And she goes, yeah, listen to him. Sam is just someone that makes you feel so comfortable. I literally have not felt comfortable since he's been on my screen. I'm sorry. I've been cringing. So Linda says,

Sam and Sabrina's quote-unquote relationship is heading to the next level, as in close to ending, with their first pale together. I'm not sure what I wrote there, but she was trying to fit all the amenities into two teacher salaries. And Amazon link pops up at the bottom. Huh? Not pale together, leap. Leap together. So Nick's like, who's the decision maker?

I can't reach Sam. And Sabrina has very strong a picture. And I love that he's talking about it. Like, I can't reach Sam. Sam, I've been trying with you, Sam. God, damn it, you're stupid. Thank God for the drama. My duty of care can only go so far.

Can't reach him. So, number one, center of the city, the only one with the true oven. Also the only truly nice apartment here. The only. Right in the middle of town. Gorgeous. They can afford it if they didn't go to Flamacian.

go class one day. Yeah, I know there's no tub, but realistically, how often is she taking, is she really taking baths? Let's be honest. So, um, so, um, so realistically, how often is she cleaning the bath? Because every time I've had a roommate who insists on having bathtubs, which I've had many over the years, I feel like they never cleaned the bath and it's always disgusting looking. And every time I get in there to take a shower, there's a ring around it. Okay. That's what I want to know. No. Uh, so house number two, they don't like the location, but Sabrina loves the balcony. And then house number three, they love that there's a pool. And then Sabrina's like, but don't forget there's a tub, but the mattress is too firm. And they need to do something about that.

I'm like, get a mattress topper. I mean, I don't know what, how do we help these children? They are so lost in this world. Yeah, they really are. So they ended up scratching apartment number one off first because it was $50 over. I couldn't believe that. I was mortified. I was like, come on, you guys. Really? Not one ounce of taste between you. Please just break up and go back to the States.

So then, now, stay there. But don't do this to grow up. Just stay away, okay? So, of course, they go for the one that is far away because the one with the balcony and like the green walls,

the moldy looking walls, that's when they go for. And then when we go to the three months later, we see them getting ice cream in town, by the way, more money they could be saving, don't need the ice cream. And then we see them sitting, we see like one second of them sitting in their apartment and Sabrina is looking at a cookbook and saying, the recipe calls for a year by Buena. What is that? And he goes, I've never heard of it. And then we never see anything that they do with the apartment. He's like, sounds expensive.

I hope we don't have to buy that. Is that an early broadcast? Also, he was doing that. He's like very proudly reading an actual book at the table. And it's not that people don't still read books. I get that that. But I feel like he doesn't. I feel like his mom is given him a Kendall like five times.

And he's like, no, I must feel the field of books, mother. It's like, shut up, Sam. Jack Kerouac. Yeah, shut up with your performative fucking orange. What was that? The something orange. Clock, clock orange. Shut up.

I'll put their clockwork orange in paper back. Clock not work orange. Yeah, so they don't even show us what they've done with the place because they clearly have done nothing with the place. So we just see them outside in Granada a lot. And yeah, so just to. I would have moved there. I would have been in more,

I would have been more in favor of this place had I known they lived right by an adorable ice cream shop. Because that was cute. I supported that decision. But yeah, this was a good episode, good choice on this one. I just saw the hipsters on the thumbnail. I thought, this seems like it'll be good. I had no idea to be as funny as it was.

I was dying of laughter. Yeah, it was a good one. Yeah, I really enjoyed it. So thanks everyone for being here for Dwell Hello. We appreciate you listening and catch us in two weeks for the next episode. Bye. Bye, everyone.