Watch What Crappens - Dwell Hello #317: Trendy in Minneapolis

Episode Date: September 1, 2023

*Dwell Hello is our twice a month podcast for Wondery+! In this episode of House Hunters (S237E04), Janelle P from Big Brother shows some homemaking gays some...homes. What did you think? Let's head to Minneapolis for this search for tall ceilings! We watched this episode on YouTubeTVFind bonus episodes at patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens and follow us on Instagram @watchwhatcrappens @ronniekaram @benmandelker Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Well, hello and welcome to Dwell Hello. I'm Ronnie and that's Ben over there. Hello, Ben. Hi, Ronnie. How's it going? Good. So good to see you, darling, here on Dwell, hello. This is our Wondry Plus show where the two guys from Watch What Crappins, as you might know already. And if you don't, go listen to Watch What Crapins, okay? This is our House Hunter's Recap show.

So today we are going to be doing House Hunters regular style, regular flavor, season 237. Can I just say congratulations, guys? I mean, my God, you are like the Bob Barkers of RIPG TV shows. Season 237, episode four of Househunters. It's called Trendy in Minneapolis. We watch this on YouTube TV. The easiest way to find this because they are labeled with different numbers on every point. platform. I didn't see it at all on Max this time. But just go to YouTube TV, search the title

Trendy in Minneapolis, and you will find it. It'll pop right up. Yeah. It's funny because there's nothing trendy about this episode or the people in it, but it's exciting that they felt that way. There is nothing trendy. There really is it. I mean, even Janelle was kind of not exciting in this. And it was Jeanelle from Big Brother. I mean, we watched it. This was This was a listener's suggestion. So thank you, listener. But this was, I want, if I'm going to get Janelle in an episode, I want like a bat bat, bitches. I don't want to, Janelle just being like, you know, I'm Janelle.

I wear sweaters now. Welcome to HGTV. Listen, it was very exciting to see professional Janelle. That was such a different side. And it was cool to see that. And I just love Janelle. She's my number one all-time favorite Big Brother player. And she really can't do any wrong in my book.

But that being said, I was hoping a Janelle-oriented house hunters would be a little spicier. Well, I think I'm just going to make her big brother, Janelle, because I did not love House Hunters' Janelle. I mean, House Hunters' Janelle is in, like, one of those, like, sweater jacket things and just, like, I don't know, trying to find even cheaper houses. I just feel like it's so off-brand for Janelle. So I'm going to keep my big brother Janelle for this Janelle. but also like house owners Janelle is like big brother Janelle because big brother Janelle is like is like great and house owners Janelle did actually a pretty great job like there were no outright stinkers this episode I found there were like some that were better than

others but like she kind of found three pretty good options and kind of handled like there were it felt like they were the guys on this episode were sort of an agreement on every every household like She really kind of like did a good job as a realtor in this. As a realtor, but not as a Janelle. And that's all I'm saying. I need more Janelle. And I think part of the reason is in Big Brother, one of her biggest reasons for success were her confessionals or her diary room sessions.

And they don't have that. I mean, you guys, I know that House Hunters doesn't have a ton of diary rooms with the real estate people, but I don't think she had any. Like, did she even let them film any confessions? But like, I need her in a room with a key around her neck. going, they think they got me. They're not a shit. Stibet.

Like, I need that, Janelle. They needed to have her finding houses for people from the friendship. They needed to have, like, April and Yvette looking for a house together, and Janelle just undermining them wherever she could. That would have been perfection. Agreed. So we started out with Linda, the narrator, saying, Engage couple Brett and Joe are looking for their first house in Minneapolis.

Joe's hoping it has enough space for all his hobbies. hashtag pussy. And then we see a clip of Joe going, oh my God, I can see myself using this as a sewing realm, which people who sew. And Ben, you are one of them now because you've been

in a sewing class. I find that people who are sowers, they say that about literally every room. Like, you could walk into a golden crowd and they could be like, oh my God, I could put my sewing room in here. Like, we get it. You sew.

Congratulations. I think hobby people in general, because I do that with my board games too. I'm like, oh, I could have my board game collection here. And I can have a sewing machine here. And Janelle goes, oh, my God, look, a kitchen. I know you love cooking and baking in here. It's like, wow, Janelle, really stretching to sell this one.

Hey, guys, look, it's a kitchen. You can make things in here and also eat in here occasionally. Standing at the countertop. It's a good of mine. But while Joe wants something with lots of charm in trendy South Minneapolis, Brett, at a monstrous 6'5, just wants a place where he's not treated like the ogre that he is. Brett just wants not to be called Shrek and chased around by children.

One neighbor. Breck just doesn't want small aircraft to crash into his head. And then we see a clip of Brett going, well, I almost tip my head on this beam. And Joe going, oh my God, yeah, I have a half-gward fetish. That's just what it is. And the price has caused a conflict with Brett wanting to be frugal and Joe ready to spend for perfection. I just hit my head again.

Okay, be less dumb, Brett, okay? But this place is so expensive. And Janelle's like, you can't get more for $275,000, you cheap fucking queens. Ding-dong. Here's a helmet. Put it on. So now we... Hight takes lumber.

Lumber costs money. I mean, I watch these shows and people say $275 for a house. I'm like, what am I wasting my life doing? Why am I not living in some cheap ass? Do they still have places like that? I'm moving. I know. I was like, oh, I want to move to South Minneapolis now.

I feel like I pay $275 grand for a goddamn Chipotle. I know. Geez, just to go into Disneyland where the DeBros are taking photos. So now we see, after the opening credits, so we see Joe and Brett, and they're standing in the kitchen. with a guy and then there's a woman in like she has like kind of like a hipster braid and she's wearing this big green kind of jacket shirt and she refuses to look at the camera she's cheated all the way away all you see is her hair and she is doing whatever she can not to be on camera she is and

it's weird because she talks like she wants to be on camera like she's doing camera voice but she's like doesn't want to be on it and i she might be mortified because they're trying to do like a classy tears in front of a microwave. I'm like, could you move? She's like, I don't want to be filmed here. So Joe tells us, we've been together two and a half years and we just recently got engaged. And he's telling them, well, guys, to get engaged, I met Brett a scavenger hunt. I surprised him. All the clues were hidden in places he had to duck under and he ended up with a concussion by the end of it. It was the cutest thing I've ever seen. It took him so long that I literally just knit this entire fair aisle sweater while he recovered.

And Brett's like, yeah, I said yes, obviously. I mean, I don't really remember it. It really was a painful day. But apparently it did. Got a ring on my fingers. I mean, he could have just asked me. Didn't have to do a scavenger hunt through a place that's 30 minutes from my work. It was great.

I could have gotten to work earlier that day. And he's like, Joe is a total sweetheart. I call him a grandma in the most positive way because he likes to bake. So, knit, take his teeth out, pinch babies hard under the arms when no one's looking. Never misses Wheel of Fortune. Collects coupons, all the good stuff. I'd like to apologize. I'm sorry to interrupt you.

But guys, this is Watcher Krapins. And it's been a long time since this has happened. But I would like to announce our constant special guest from years past, the leaf blower, who is now outside. Even in a fucking rental in Palm Springs, which I'm recording this from, the leaf blower comes during recording time. I only barely hear it. You can't hear it. Don't worry. Well, there you go, everybody.

It's coming closer. Here it comes. Okay, continue on. I just wanted to acknowledge it and say there's nothing to be done. There's nothing. Nothing can be done. Now the leaf blower is literally flirting with me. The leaf blower is coming from inside your house.

So Joe is like, you know what, Brett? So it's funny, he called me a grandma in like the nicest way. you can't hear it Ronnie it's okay Joe's like Brett you know what he called me a grandma the nicest way which is great I did not take that as a passive aggressive comment

but I will say that with Brett he's a little bit more of an anxious person he's like on the anxious side he's like a nervous Nellie he's he's sort of paralyzed with his own indecision on things but I mean that is the nicest way too Brett is the leaf plower delivering me a pizza

he is like literally standing right outside the door I honestly never would have it looks like he's doing a dance in front of the window. Look, you can see the shadow in front of the window. What is he doing up there? I mean, it is getting closer. It's on my lap.

I never would have noticed. The leaf blower is literally up my arm, getting fucked by a leaf blower during this house hunter's recap. I didn't even know there were enough leaves in Palm Springs right now. Apparently, there's just little lizards flying all over. I know. Lizards and scorpions being flung around. It's like twister with lizards instead of cows.

Okay, it's moving a little further away. Okay, I'll stop now. So Brett's like, yeah, I'm definitely more of a warrior. That's what happens when you spend 90% of your daytime hours bunking your head into things. You just get a little worried about stuff. You get a little paranoid. So Joe's brother goes, so, Joe, are you going to finally make Brett a sweater? And Brett goes, apparently there is some sort of curse that he can't make me a sweater until we're married.

Has anybody heard of that? You know that Joe has made a sweater for every man that's dumped him. and it's like a small community in Minnie, and he still will go to a gay bar in the winter and see one of his exes in one of those sweaters and just be like, I cannot believe I spent three days on him. Okay, so I just Googled sweater curse,

and there's a whole Wikipedia article. The sweater or curse of the love sweater is a term used by knitters to describe the belief that if a knitter gives a hand-knit sweater to a significant other, it will lead the recipient breaking up with a knitter. Whoa, so that's a real thing. It's a big enough thing that it literally has a whole Wikipedia thing.

And it says, avoiding the curse for many kniters, making a hand-knit gift is an emotional experience, an extended affectionate mediation or meditation on the person receiving a gift. A metaphor commonly used by kniters is, I knit my love in every stitch. Since giving two significant a gift too early in a relationship can evoke apprehension, knitters have been advised to match the knitted gift to the stage in a relationship, beginning with hats. mittens, scarves, or socks before graduating to sweaters. And many knitters also wait until marriage before making a sweater for a significant... By the way, it's clear that Joe wrote this Wikipedia entry, right? This is totally by Joe.

Also, knitters out there, could you stop being such fucking drama queens? Like, I'm so sure with all of you. Like, you know that they sit around and stitch and bitch about this, too. Like, oh, my God, could you believe I concentrated on that person while I knitted them a sweater and then they could treat me like this. Like, well, it's the knitting curse. You know, well, Joe wrote that wiki about it. Oh, yeah, M. Night Shyamalayan is making a movie about the knitting curse.

It's got a big twist ending. Like, it's just yarn in a twist. It's terrible. That's funny. You should make a, you should knit a sweater for your gardener there. I know, right. Okay, so let me just explain what's happened here. The pool guy came over and cleaned.

the pool. Okay, that's who I was waving to earlier. And then the leaf blower came out and is now circling the pool blowing things into the pool. So are these two industries just keeping themselves, keeping each other in business or what the fuck? Sounds like someone of the two of them

gave each other, give themselves a knit sweater. Those two are bonded by knit sweaters for life. Those two are married for sure. They're in a nitker. So Joe's like, well, our lease is coming up and we're going to, you You know, moving up, this is our next step, okay, moving in. So we're going to grow our family, and whether it's a cat or a kid or nothing at all, right, Brett?

Right, Brett. Because you know, Brett's like, I don't want a kid. No, I don't want a cat either. So poor Joe is like, please just let me knit somebody something. Please, that can go. Please let me have a legally committed situation that I can knit. Can I just, if we go into escrow, can I know a sweater onto this house? I just need to knit someone something without cursing them.

Oh, I want to knit for somebody. I want to knit a sweater for somebody. Poor Joe. So, poor Joe, because he has a beautiful, I have to imagine he knit his own sweater. He has this beautiful sweater that's like, it's fair aisle, so it has all that sort of like those, those sort of patterns around the neck that circle out.

Yeah, he's good at it. He's like peacocking, you know, in a beautiful way. And you know he just wants to make something for Brett, because Brett just has sort of blousy stripes around his chest. But he can't. He can't because they have to get married first. So Joe is like, I think that we should like stick to South Minneapolis area for sure because it's like super trendy here.

Like did you see all like the dingy houses and sad streets? It's like super trendy. We'd love South Many. And Brett's like, yeah, it would be rough to leave. But you know what? Driving half an hour, I mean, it's so hard. This is a half an hour away from my school. And Joe just works from home, so he can do whatever.

No, it's not just your work drive, okay? It's the drive to the bars. It's the drive to, like, any kind of gay life. It's the drive to the Hobby Lobby. You know what I mean? It's not about you fucking Brett. You're just going to school. Get a book on tape that you like, okay?

I'm on Team Joe for this one. Joe Knits for people, okay? Give him as close to the Hobby Lobby. Joe's baking you cakes, so that means something. But Brett's like, yeah, but the problem is that we only have a convertible and there are a lot of low hanging tree branches on the way to school. He's like, he's like, if I could only have like 15 minutes of getting battered in the head on my drive, I would love that. He's like me donkey Kong and the tiny convertible on Mario Kart. That's what I do.

Donkey Kong and the tiny convertible or donkey Kong on the best bar as me. So, and so then Mimi, the girl is like, well, it's, she's like, it's so nice it's so nice that you guys live so close to us though i'm actually just pantomiming her hiding away from the camera but i'm realizing no one's watching but right oh i was like where you go she's like looking away hiding from the camera she's like we'd love you close bye and joe says yeah well i mean like we love it you know like it's great here and he's like i like south i like south minnie because it has bungalow style it has little rooms you know i don't like all those open style I just need rooms to hide from the gigantic monster that chases me around the house.

I just need somewhere that he can't get into. I would prefer a house with those little mouse entrances, you know, that only Jerry can fit into. And Tom can't get him in there. Okay. And Brett's like, you know, I get it. Like, it's nice to be able to walk to a coffee shop or a restaurant or a meat raffle. But, you know, just that drive is a lot, you know? You know what I want to do?

I want to move to the burbs. You know, because if we had like a split level, you know, I, my parents had a split level growing up and I just love wide open windows, which has nothing to do with the split level, but I'm just going to bring those concepts together as if it's one thing. But you see what this is, right? Even the gay guys do it because every guy on this show goes, you know what? I want a ranch because that's what I grew up in. You know what I want? I want to live close to a bowling alley because that's how I grew up. Like every guy has a mommy issue and I love that it continues on to the gay guys.

because he has an issue too. And it's always the guys that don't want to spend money, but then they also want to trap their spouse into their childhood fantasies. Yeah. You know, it's like, I refuse to spend more than $50,000 on a house

and it has to be exactly the house that I grew up in. And then poor Joe, the sister goes, well, you know, or the sister-in-law goes, well, you know, you're going to need to get a craft room for Joe. I know you're tall, but it also needs a craft room for Joe. And Joe goes, yeah, I need an office for my sewing and my plants, my cats. And my kids, if we ever have them.

Or just me. Maybe it's just going to be me in there, all alone forever. That would be okay too. By the way, and Brett also goes, you know, I just want to clarify, I'm 6'5 and Joey is 6'1, so it makes him pretty tall. And I just feel like a lot of these South Minneapolis houses, you have to like either go upstairs and I have to tilt my head or go downstairs and I have to crouch. I'm like, I feel like, okay, first of all, there are a lot of six. foot five people in the world and you're acting like you're literally walking through crawl spaces. I feel like you could definitely find a normal house where you can walk up and downstairs without

bonking your head, right? I don't think that's too crazy for a six foot five person. Well, six foot five is so big. And I think these little houses, you know, people have grown so much. Like, you know those theaters that they have that were built in like the 30s and all the seats are literally too tiny for even skinny people to get in because people have just grown in general. And I think these old houses are just made for tiny people. Like they didn't understand like human growth hormone or GMO products or, you know, just like what dairy does to us as Americans. Yeah, protein shakes. Yeah.

You know. So no one saw the trajectory of the gigantic growth of Americans. Okay. And so these houses are smurf houses. It's like, do do do do do do do. That's what she wrote. Yeah. Minneapolis is like land of Viking ancestors.

So like all the houses should be shaped like giant ships, to be honest. I mean, even they're like their big museum, is it their museum or is it their stadium is shaped like a Viking ship? So I don't understand why they don't have Viking-sized houses and door for doorways and stairwells. So Brett's like, well, I guess as a teacher, that's what everybody, not making millions. Okay. Joe does make more as a software engineer. Then guess what?

You're going to have to hit your head. because you married a rich twink, okay? So the rich twink wins. And you're also going to have to give him a kid and stop this. I don't know if I want a kid or a cat. Get Joe a kid. He's rich.

He's not only supporting you, he's also making you food. So come on. So now they're going to... And eventually knitting you shit? Yeah, you're about to get a sweater, sir. So they start driving to house number one, and it's close to where they live.

And Brett's like, well, I'm just... I'm a little concerned because this... is already, now we're like, this is a mile south of our current place, which means we just added five minutes onto my commute. That's three extra tree branches I have to worry about. And he goes, oh, look, there's a turkey. There's a turkey. Oh, urban turkey. I love an urban turkey. And Joe's like, oh my God, well, this. Is this an urban turkey? I guess. I mean, I don't, I don't know, because I can never tell a turkey from a vulture. But is it really, I'm like, this is not necessarily Park Avenue that they're driving down here. I wouldn't say this is, this is like,

they're like, it's a turkey right by the subway in the suburbs of many. So Joe's like, um, this is cute. I love the red door. I was like, that's so sad that that's all you can say. When you're driving up to a house and all you can say is, I love the door. Yeah. It's 300. It's a cute little cottage.

It's like a cottage type of house. It looks like a garage to me. Looks like a garage. I would be honest. I'm not that snobby. You know, it's not like I'm some, like I will only love in a mansion. But this one looks like a little, a little. little barn.

Yeah, it's like a, to me, it looked like a cute little, cute little house. And so it's three bed, one bath. And this is where we see Janelle. Janelle comes out of it. And she's like, so at this time of year, bitches, there's hardly anything on the market. And like, most of those things happen in the spring or summer. So right now it's really slim pickings. But Brett is like really concerned about what he's spending on the house.

And Joe doesn't really care. So finding that common ground and the perfect house with the perfect price is going to be, you know, it's going to be how this puzzle, figure out how this puzzle gets together. And that's when I was like you. I was like, oh, I thought Janelle was going to be more fun than that. Yeah, I really needed her to be like, oh my God, you guys are choosing the house at the wrong time, dummies and dumb queens. Okay, so you're tiny, you're gigantic.

How does that work? Is that a kink? That's hilarious. Okay, so here's a house. It's about 30% more than you asked me in your budget, which is totally normal. because I don't really care what you think. Okay? So just take it so I can get my commission.

I'm busy and you're the most born gay people I've ever met in my life. Do you knit? No one cares. Bye. That's what I need. So they walk in and there's like hardwood floors, which Brett likes. And Joe says the thing that you love where he goes, oh my God, I can just like really see myself having my morning coffee here. He also does imaginary plant.

everywhere where he's like oh my god i can see this whole place covered in plants the living room is just like the most generic living living space you can imagine it is just a rectangle it is just like a door with a rectangle it's like if someone said like went up to like second graders and said do a blueprint to a blueprint of a house and they just drew a bunch of squares that's what this looks like well this is bungalow style and you know i'm a bungalow person i've lived in one i've lived in a couple in my live and they're just like that. They're tiny little square rooms with wood floors. That's all they are.

And I love that any room, and they do it in this episode, any room they walk into, the realtor can go, oh, my God. So you could use this as the master or you could use this as a closet. You could use it as a sewing room. You could use it as a shoebox. You could use it as a Lego. You could use it as a banana. It's like they're all the same thing.

It's like Alita Adams. You could use this as a bedroom. You could use this as a shoe box Whatever you use is Just knit me a sweater before I marry you Because I'm not going to marry you Knit me a sweater because I want to defy the curse So

So they Oliada Adams never makes another single again We're like hey you guys, whatever happened to Alita Adams She's like And you knit me a sweater I try to take on the sweater curse. I don't care what you do. Don't go up against the sweater curse.

No one ever heard from Alita Adams again. So these rooms are basically all the same, but there's only one bathroom. And Brett does that thing, like there's a house that's already built, right? And Brett does that thing going where he goes, yeah, but we were hoping for one and a half. off. And so now everywhere they go, he goes, but can there be another bathroom? What about a half a bathroom? Could there be like another half bathroom? Brett, the house is built, babe. Okay? It's over. It's done. It's called outhouse, hole in the ground. So then Janelle's like, yeah, I know. Well, the thing is, this house has almost everything else except for two bathrooms. So look, I'm going to share the kitchen instead. Yeah, because you like baking. And that's where people bake in the kitchen. Okay? Let's do that. This is going to be the biggest kitchen you've ever seen. So they go into the kitchen and Joe immediately is like, there's no ventilation in here.

Oh, you need that for baking or because you're marrying a fucking gigantic person with gigantic farts? Because that's your problem, not mine. Okay. Everyone loves smelling muffins. Okay. Choke me with the muffin smell. What do I care? You're buying this house.

Yeah. He is won over, despite the fact that there's no ventilation, which is funny. he's really won over by this kitchen because it's so quote unquote big he's like it's so big it's actually the room is big the kitchen is not big it's actually just like the same amount of counter space like it's maybe slightly larger counter space in other places that they go to and it's got it's sort of a generic looking like kitchen it like there's no distinctive aspect to it it looks like they moved the kitchen into this gigantic room that was not supposed to be the kitchen because there's no way it wouldn't have ventilation, right? Yeah. And the cabinets don't

fit in the kitchen. Like they fill like a little part of the kitchen, but then there's huge bare walls all over the rest of the kitchen. It's like, what's the point? Why would you move the kitchen to this huge room when there's like, you have like cabinets from Home Depot that are too small in it? Also, another thing that is consistent throughout this entire episode, bad flips. This is a bad flip kitchen. Yeah. So, Janelle's like, well, don't worry. I know someone. Yeah. She's like, yeah, I definitely know someone. She's like calling up a pacer to show up with like a hammer. Yeah, he can do it for you, right? She's one of those who's just when something's wrong. She just goes, you can just get a new one. Oh, you don't like the countertops? I have a counter guy. You don't like that there's not a

bathroom? Just had a bathroom. That shit costs money. These people are trying to spend $25. They're not kind of just be like get me a new kitchen. It's going to be Howie from Big Brother 6 trying to put something together. It'll be a disaster. So Brett's like, he's worried that Joe's going to be overconfident with this house and he worries that they're going to need to buy some expensive things and that like, you know, when it comes time to buy those expensive things in this house, they're not going to have the money for it.

Yeah. And you're not. That's, that is absolutely true. Okay. So then they have, there's a deck. Oh, there's a deck. I was going to say, there's a deck that's outside. And it's like, nice.

But the thing. is you have to go out the side door and go walk sort of like out the house a little bit on the sidewalk through a gate and then go back up on the deck. So they're really upset about that. I actually personally don't think that's like the worst thing in the world if you like the rest of the house. That's like not it's like you just well I think it's worse at the backyard is on the same like there's a chain link fence chain link fence and it's like staring right at the street. You walk all your I don't know it's not it's not the back. It's not the best.

I think the worst, I think what's worse is everything else about this house. Like, it's like the deck walking outside to get to the deck is the least of the concerns. I think just the generic blonness of this house and this shitty property on this shitty block. I think that's the problem. Yeah, not great. And there's airplanes flying over every two seconds, you know. Well, there's only one, by the way, they walk outside and there's like one airplane. Yeah.

And they're like, oh my God, it's airplane noise. Yeah, but there's like, that's how airports works. There's never just one plane. They're all, they're constant, you know? It's like, whi-

that's white noise. Yeah, never goes. I get used to it. So they don't love it. I like how I both like, anything that they don't like, I'm like,

it's fine, but then something that they like, I'm like, this house sucks. Yeah, have you met us? That's how we are. Like,

we're going to argue with literally anything that you tell us. So then they go, there's a simple basement, there's laundry, utility. And Joe goes,

could we put a second bathroom here? Chuck, fucking, listen, Joe just wants Brett to have a place to poop where Joe doesn't have to deal with him. You know what I mean? I think that's what it is. And so, Janelle's like, that would be at least 10 grand. And she's like, Brett's really concerned about the money.

And I keep telling him that this is an appreciating deal. So, you know, houses go up at least 6% a year. I mean, so do the chances of you eventually getting a sweater. She goes, I'm hoping to connect with Brett in terms of money and growing it like, Hold on. Let me try. Hey, Brett, do you know how houses work? You buy them. They appreciate and value. And then you sell them more, you idiot. Okay, I think it worked out. So then, let's see. This is where she's just showing them a tiny bedroom. Oh, no, this is the attic. And she's like, this could be the primary. I mean, who doesn't want to sleep in an attic of their own home? Right? Right, guys? It's going to be great. No insulation. It's going to be so fun. exactly like it's basically a converted attic and so as such the the roof like the roof line comes in so it's sort of diagonal on the side so of course brett's like um i'm probably gonna hit my head on the sides of these and janelle goes well but if you stay in the middle of the room you won't yeah stay in the middle you fucking idiot what do you want this is the brett lane we're gonna put lanes on the floor and you stay in the lane okay that's gonna be your lane brett stays inside the lines and when he doesn't he gets an owie okay go to the new rules brett

she is over him yeah um so he joe's joe likes it he thinks it's he just loves the kitchen i think the kitchen is the thing that has really sold him on this one yeah so another driving and um they're doing their driving and talking thing and joe's like so what is this one like 10 minutes from work and brett's like oh my god this is way close for god i love being close to school i love it north minnesota wow what a great place and joe's like um it's a very suburby lots of strip malls, little chain stores everywhere. Really want to be closer to Am's thread. I mean.

Brett's like, but you love curly fries, though. Can't knit a sweater out of curly fries, and I've tried. Curly fries, do not a turtle make, do not a turtle neck make, Hagrid. Okay. I like that Joe is like quietly aggressing this neighborhood when it looks exactly the same as the last neighborhood they were in. I'm like, I don't see a difference. And by the way, you can't, like, be all into baking and sewing and all these homely little hobbies

and then be like suddenly you want to be in the center of the action. Like, no, you are, you have your home goods. Listen, I could still want to knit a sweater and then go see stripper dick later in the day. Like, there's nothing wrong with that. I stand by my rights. Of course, I say this as someone who does all of these hobbies and would refer. refuse to move out to the suburbs. That's true.

In my own house hunting journey, I ended up in the suburbs, mostly because my family lived there, and so it would be, that's the only people I know. Well, those are the only people I know. So that's who I need to be close to. But also, because I could afford it. Like, in the city of Austin, I can't afford shit. But in the suburbs, I could actually afford something decent. And listen, I have no life.

And when I do have to go do something, I complain to the person who invited me the whole time. Like, wow, I drove to Austin. And don't worry about it. It only took me 45 minutes to get here. It was a great drive. God, I love driving. Not 45 minutes, I almost got to listen to an entire Sydney Sheldon book. Thank you so much for inviting me to Austin.

So Linda announces, today they are meeting Janelle. That's meeting Janelle for a lower price place for Brett. And while it's not his split level, it is a rambler style and covered in styrofoam so he doesn't hit his head because he clearly doesn't understand spatial. awareness. She just wanted to make sure that there's something with trees outside that Brett can nibble the tops of with his freakishly tall ass. Joe will then get on the piano downstairs and play the theme song to Jurassic Park. While someone, while his friend dresses up like Laura Dern and pretends to be shocked at the site.

Brett. With his knitting needles, squawking like one of those little dinosaur bird things. So this one is a mid-century model. from a 1950 for and Chanel's like some of the rooms feel open concept

a lot of the touches are mid built ins like look at that that's so mid the built ins do you like those they're built in

by the way I really like this house I thought this was really cute I liked the layout I liked how it was open concept but not like

open open concept it was still rooms but they flowed and they had those rounded arches so and I felt like for for these two guys and what their lifestyle

seems to be I read it I was like, this is, this is definitely a, like, a good choice. Here was the issue I had with it. It's a cheap flip where they take one of these houses from the 1950s and they just go to Home Depot and get those like hollow doors and then they get the cheapest gray carpet and they paint all the, all the walls gray. It's like gray, gray, gray, gray, gray, and shitty door.

They replaced everything with like really, really bad box store stuff. But, you know, maybe you could take up the carpet and still get the old wood bag. and stuff like that. But these guys are at a box store level. I mean, I'm sorry, this is like, it's like their starter home. They want to spend $300,000. That's box store.

Yeah, I get it. What they're looking for is something that is like not like broken down things, janky, mold everywhere, yada, yada, which could be there. If it's a bad flip, it could be there. But honestly, to me, I was like, this looks just what they need. Well, I mean, it definitely looked like clean and painted. So I think that, I think that this. episode that's really all we can ask for you know what i mean there's not like poop on the floor

so and there's two bathrooms and it was just like i i just liked the little flow of it i just saw it i was like this is so adorable this is the perfect little house for sweater for sweater gaze it is yeah it is okay you sold me i'll take number two see you should have been the realtor on this so i love it now i just was like immediately this is better than that bungalow i'm sorry the bungalow was not terrible by any stretch of imagination but but this one already just had a bit a bit better vibe. I really liked it. Yeah. So there's a fresh tile. There's a new vanity. And she's like, it's so cute, right? I'm like, that's from home depot. And then she's like, and it's not the only

bathroom. You won't have to poop near Brett. And Brett's like, wait a minute. Under 302 bathrooms, what's going on here? This is fishy. Yeah. And then they walk into like one of the bedrooms. And then Joe goes, nice windows. And it's like the most generic window. I'm like, what? It's just like a window. And yeah, a rectangle. Joe's just trying to be positive. But this is also a flip where they just start putting barn doors on things.

Yes. This is a mid-century modern house. Why are you painting it gray and putting barn doors on every door? That's so weird. It made no sense. But again, it's perfect for these guys. Because, of course, when Joe sees the barn door, he's just like eyes light up. He's like, oh, my God, perfect storage for the sweaters.

And Brett's like, if Joe had his way, he'd have a barn door on every door. So I wrote all brand new into an Eric but cute So she's like Well the kitchen's not huge but it is updated And Brett's like ow I hit my head on the light fixture She's like well it's amazing no matter how many homes we look at Brett's still a fucking idiot So that's something

Joe's like well there's enough cabinetry But I think it could be better And we could have a bigger space But it's doable I was like, it's a perfectly fine galley kitchen. I'm sorry. She's like, oh, really? You could do better?

Are you going to find a husband that makes a better living? Because you're looking for a house for $275. So this is what you're going to get. This is good. So in the backyard's nice. It's like fenced in. It's private. And Joe liked that there's, you know, a space that he could go gardening.

And Brett's like, we could have a hundred people back here. I'm like, okay. Big ass sweater party in the next. backyard. I'm sure that'll be great. Yeah, I goes, oh my God, we could do gardening, we could do hosting. And so they go now, there's a basement. So they go down to the basement. And Brett's like, oh my God, I might smack my head. And Janelle's like, just fucking do it. Let's get it over with so we can listen to you cry about it and I can continue talking. Okay, you fucking moron. Do it. So they go down there.

This time. Do it. I'm not going to. I see it coming. Do it. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. Oh, I hit my head on the start. Fucking moron, Brett. to be fair this basement does have legitimately low ceilings like they are ducking to get into the bathroom this to me is the biggest downside of the house are these low ass low ceiling basement but other than that the basement's nice i mean to joe this is like his little mouse howd out hideout that he needs like if you're pissed off at your husband go down to your joe cave like that guy's never going to go down there he would have to crawl to get in there it's the perfect place for like a little you know knitting a knitting sanctuary so It is perfect for Joe.

So then he likes it, but Brett's like, oh, my God, it's close to where I work, love the backyard. I'm a little worried about the basement ceiling because that art. Can we see a split level? Please let me see a split level. So now they go to house number three, which is a split level. And so it's much larger than the previous two houses just on the outside. It actually has a garage. They didn't even talk about the parking for the other two, which seemed like it was street parking.

And so they show up and Joe's like, oh, this kind of reminds me. reminds me in my grandma's house, which is only a good thing, right? Because grandma's not an insult, according to you, right? Brett. He's like, yeah, I want to fuck her. It's like, what? I'm sorry, I have the grandma fetish. That is why I said yes to you. I like that Linda's bitchy too because she's like, next house is all Brett.

And Joe is already pushing back. It's like, leave Joe alone. I think that Joe has been very nice this whole episode. Don't you? Joe has been very agreeable. Like, they're both like kind of sweet. I mean, like, this is a nice house. I can see myself living here.

Yeah, they're both sweet to each other. And so, yeah, so Brett's like, it is over what we want to pay, but it's split level. So they go in, it's four bed, two bath. They walk in, it's like a very standard split level design where it literally looks like the house from Marraveistown, but just with vaulted ceilings. And you, like, walk up the stairs. And then there's like the kitchen in front, the living space that wraps around to the right that connects back into the kitchen. Why do people build these? I don't understand this.

I get like wanting a two-story, but why would you want a home where you have to go up the stairs to open the front door? And then you have to choose to go either upstairs or downstairs. There's no level on the level. Like, why? I don't understand. I don't understand either, but I have to say I do enjoy a split level. I don't know why. I think it just makes me feel like I'm in an MC Escher painting.

That sounds like DoorDash held to me. It's like I would be like, should I order this pizza? Because I'm going to have to walk up the stairs to get the fucking pizza. I don't know. You know what? It's like it's little staircases. So you feel like a sense of luxury. It's like, ooh, multiple floors.

But it's only little staircases. My friend, when I was a kid, my friend had a split level house. But it was like super split. So you like walk in. It's like the living room. But then you can walk downstairs into like the family room where you can walk upstairs to like the bedroom. or you can walk even more upstairs to more bedrooms. But it wasn't like a mansion or anything.

It just was like the same size of this house. And I loved all like the options of floors you can go on to. It was like my favorite. Yeah. It just felt like the world was your oyster. You can go at any level. Do things. If oysters had a lot of stairs.

So Brett's like, okay, so this has got to be over 300, right? I mean, look at all the stairs. I mean, this is a split level. It's at over 335? Just tell me about it. The world is my oyster in here. It's like, this is the world is my, like each step I'm stepping on are my oysters. Stepping on oysters getting up to the next level kitchen.

I might have to eat my words and be okay with spending a little bit more. I love stairs. Yeah, he is like okay with it. And then Joe is like, okay, well, let's see the rest of the house. Can we try not to make any commitments right away? Okay. Like, congratulations. There's a bay window.

There's another gray on gray on gray, gray, gray carpet, gray walls, gray, gray, gray, gray, gray, gray, gray, gray, gray. but everything honestly so far looks good like the kitchen's good the kitchen is very generic but it's good the living space is big there's a nice big window everything is good but then they're like they're like i smell something what is that i smell a flip is this a flip did you put us in a flip janele yeah it's true but actually goes this is always what i want to say when i'm looking at a place that i'm going to purchase in the future i always like to say this well the carpet's not gross. I was like, it just leaves.

Like, that's a what a terrible thing to think. And Joe's like, is this a flip? Is this a flip? I see new carpet. And Chanel's like, does flipping concern you? And I don't mean that in gay way. Would you prefer to be unflipped? I'm not getting Chris. Should we just, should I just show you decrepit old houses that aren't flipped that you yourself will flip in turn? Do you want someone else to make the shitty flip for you or do you want to make the shitty flip? That's like I ask my question for you. also the last place was a flip so i love that you guys are like the flip police but you didn't even

notice that the last place was a total flip so whatever so there's a weird cutout window in the master bedroom that's like a lego glory hole like what the fuck is that thing what is that yeah it's weird it's like a it's like a crawl space storage it's like they turned a some sort of crawl space into kind of a storage space it's strange you have to like crawl into it to access your sweaters. But it's above the floor. Like you would have to get a ladder to crawl into it. Super weird. Is it a vault at some point? I don't know. But, but, you know, and it also does that thing, I believe, where it looks like the

primary bedroom is attached. Like, its onsuit also leads to the hallway. I hate a bathroom with two doors. I feel like I'm going to get walked in on at any moment. I just need to have one access point for a bathroom. I know. I hate them, too, because whoever goes in there has to lock both doors, right? But when they leave, they only unlock their own door.

So then the next person comes in and they're like, God damn it, you lock the door again. So then they have to walk all the way around to the other bedroom. I didn't even think about that. That's so true. Yeah, we used to have one of those. Can you tell? My parents had one in their house and we were like, oh, okay, so then we see the downstairs.

And it's a basement and you don't have to duck. Why? Because it's a split level. And split levels apparently are made for gigantic people. Yeah, and this is my favorite part. I think maybe the entire episode. So there's this old wood burning stove. It's like an antique stove.

And Joe was like, right next to the carpet, is that a fire hazard? And then Brett goes, uh, Janelle, I don't know if I told you this, but Joe's family cabin burned down about a year and a half ago. She's like, oh. She's like, oh, no. And Joe's like, yeah, my grandma died. That's when I became obsessed with baking, sewing, and pinching children on their underarms when no one's looking.

But it was lightning, not the stove that caused the fire. So that's, I like that also because Brett goes, I've just been really anxious about fire indoor fireplaces ever since then and he's like by the way just to be short just everyone knows it was lightning that does this not a fireplace yeah and brett's like still though god that's sweater is real he's like still though yeah we need to have it removed joe's mother was knitting a sweater for her father before they got married and it burned down the entire house joe's grandma was knitting a sweater for zeus and he just went right in with that lightning by the way i was like Brett, do you have a boner?

Sorry, we were talking about grandmas. Sorry, grandma fetish. Hey, Brett, I've got a great idea. Hey, this is Janelle from Big Brother. How about you just never turn that stove on? Because are you really going to use a wood burning stove? You idiot. It's there for ornamentation.

Like literally. How about you just don't turn it on? Don't turn it on. Weirdos. Just use it for storage. Make it into a terrarium or something. But Janelle just goes, oh, we can just like make this gas. I have a stove removal.

What are you talking about Janelle? She literally does say that, huh? She's like, yeah, we can make it gas, which guess what? Still makes fire. But also, you guys, you live in a house with an oven. I mean, isn't that, I guess, because it's a round tile? Maybe it's not because it's by carpet. You have a house full of yarn and you have ovens.

She's like, you guys are literally flaming. So should I just get a place that's all made of ceramic? Hey, why don't you stick your? head into that stove and if you bonk it, then you buy it, okay? Okay, so then, now they have to decide. Okay. So by the way, as they just, while they're choosing, in my mind, it was blatantly obvious. I felt, I felt like they were going to go for the third one because it was pretty much

in their budget, split level, no head bonking, room for everything. Yes, it's a flip, but ultimately it's nice. It's for their needs. I don't know where it even was. I was like, it's clearly the third one. If it's not the third one, it's definitely the second one, not even considering the first one. Like, that was like not even a question for me.

That's the first one eliminated. Me too, because even they even do the thing where they go, okay, well, let's decide. First of all, the bungalow. And normally on this show, they go, the bungalow, the first one was horrible. Let's get rid of that one. Whatever they bring up first is the one they get rid of.

But this time, they're like, the bungalow. I like that it's in South Midney. He goes, yeah, you really haven't stopped talking about South Mini. You know, there are penis bars somewhere else. Name a place, Brett. Name a place. Let's talk about the elephant in the room. You can't get to the deck from the kitchen.

We have to actually walk a little bit farther. It's absolutely absurd. So then Joe's like, well... And by the way, also one bathroom. Only one bathroom. Only one bathroom with tiny rooms for a giant man. And he's like, but then the Rambler, that's not... under 300,000, which was good.

And Joe's like, yeah, and it was close to your work, but the kitchen doesn't have all the cabinets. Brett's like, yeah. And it only, but it does have two bathrooms. And Joe's like, yeah, but I'm not used to that location. Like, what's the point? I mean, we're just going to have people that we don't really understand using our second pooper.

Yeah, because Brett goes, I mean, even though it's not South Minneapolis, I think we can make new friends. Oh. And Joe's like, well, we need to talk about ceilings now. And Brett's like, yeah, the split level. I didn't have any ceiling issues. And, you know, we could host a thousand people. And then they have that deck.

I mean, the price sucks. But the rest of it's great. Split level, stairs. It'll be amazing. It'll be just like my childhood. So then I put it up on screen. I kind of like these nicknames, One Bath Bungalow. Actually, I just really liked low ceiling rambler.

I don't know why that was like so funny to me. It just feels like a low ceiling rambler. Oh, my God. that guy is like such a low ceiling rambler. I can't. Did you see that low ceiling rambler walk by? Enjoy your life of being low-ceilinged. Stupid rambler.

So then Joe's like, yeah, and that third one is a lot of space for the money. God, I know I'd love to live South Manny, but the community is so important to you. This is really tough. I wrote two is the best for me. Two is the best for me They choose Bungalow, number one. I was shocked.

I wrote in all caps. They chose the bungalow And then I texted you and I said, Fuck these gays. Because I was so mad That they chose the shittiest option of all of them. Why? Why does this always happen?

I mean, they're so nice. They're so nice. But why this house? Why did you choose this house? I think eventually it's more important to like still be close to bars. You know, They're still, yeah.

I think so. They've got been near Mimi, you know? They're like, we only have one friend whose name sort of reminds us of Mariah Carey, so we have to be close to her. We only have one friend who's not a total camera horror, Mimi, and we don't want to leave her. So they actually tell us that they're staying here because they met in this neighborhood and it's where they fell in love. And Brett's like, it's got so much charm.

So I'll have to poop in the same room as Brett, or as Joe. Maybe we can use a rest stop while I'm driving. you know, to and from work for six hours. Surely there's somewhere to poop there. And Joe has promised he will cover our attic ceiling with knit cloth. So that way it will hurt my head as much when I bunk into it. But also it, um, the, there was a bidding war and they actually wound up paying more for this house. They went above budget for the worst house of the three.

I couldn't believe it. Yeah. They went to 335, which was, I mean, sounds like, oh my God, that's so much. but really in the scheme of things, wow. They got that house for 335. Hello, Minneapolis. You're my new home. I love Minneapolis as it is.

Yeah, it's a cute town. We like it there. I'm going. Maybe I'll just buy a little Pietater in South Minnie and hang out with my fellow sweater gays. Yep. Well, everybody, that was a pretty cute episode. Thank you so much for being with us today.

We will be back in a couple of weeks. Thanks for supporting Wondry Plus. Go check out all our Crappins episodes. And we will talk to you next time. Bye. Wonderful. Bye, everyone.