Watch What Crappens - Dwell Hello #319: Fertile Vs. Futile on the Sunshine Coast

Episode Date: September 27, 2023

This week’s Dwell Hello finds a family looking for a house on the beach and land with enough room for a thespian to spread her clown wings and ACT! It’s House Hunters International S166E02 and we found it on Max! Find bonus episodes at patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens and follow us on Instagram @watchwhatcrappens @ronniekaram @benmandelker Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Well, hello and welcome to Dwell hello. I'm Ronnie, and that's Ben over there. Hi, Ben. Hi, Ronnie. How's it going? Great, my little honey pie. How's everything going with you? So good.

Just happy to talk more House Hunters with you, as usual. As you, as you. Yes. Welcome to our House Hunters show. Today is House Hunters International, actually. It is Season 162, Episode 2, Fertile versus Futile. You can find this on Max. The best way to find these episodes is just to go on Max, if you have Max, and search that title.

Fertile versus Feudal, because as you know by now, all of the different services list house hunters under different seasons and different episode numbers to make it as confusing as possible. But this one is on Max, Fertile versus Futile on the Sunshine Coast. Was it season 162 or 166? 166, episode two. Okay, great. Perfect. Yeah, but I mean, like Ronnie said, just search virtual versus futile

and you're pretty much going to find it. Yes. So welcome to this show, everybody. Okay, so we begin on the beach and it's a mom, dad, and a daughter. The daughter and the father love stupid straw hats. I'm going to forgive the stupid straw hat because it's a beach and you need them in this kind of son.

and just because I don't like hats on Kyle Richards all the time doesn't mean that nobody else can wear hats. So I'm going to go ahead and just get off my hat hate train for a little while. We're going to make a hat exception for Joe and Allison. And Linda comes in and says, Joe, Allison, and their daughter Lucy are leaving South Africa for a complete change on the Sunshine Coast of Australia. But they have vastly different visions of what that looks like.

One vision is in cloud makeup, and the other is just in CPA garb. That's uh-huh. One place has gorgeous elephants, and the other place has dog shit all over a beach, where they are currently sitting right now, because they're on a dog beach, and we see their other home, and it's like a giant elephant.

I mean, I don't know. I know what I'd choose. Of course, dogs do poop everywhere. Elephants probably poop a lot more. I'm gonna go ahead and guess. And also, if a dog stepped on you, it wouldn't be that bad, whereas if an elephant stepped on you, that would be mad.

Also, I don't think dogs take revenge on people, or as elephants. Remember when elephants took revenge on that old lady in the village who was taunting the elephants and then they came to her village and found her ass and stomped her dead? Do you remember that new story? I don't, but I believe it because an elephant never forgets. Yes, and so. So don't mock crows because they remember. Don't fuck with crows.

Don't fuck with them. Just be happy. Just like wave high to them and just keep it moving. Okay. Yeah. But in other words, I actually support the move now. Elephants great in pictures don't sound great in my neighborhood. I prefer the dog beach.

I don't want an elephant in my neighborhood. I'll tell you that much. I don't want anything. I don't want any big animals. I don't want any animals larger than a golf cart in my neighborhood. Honestly, I don't want any animals maybe as large as a small children's vehicle, like a little thing, a little play vehicle that you Fred Flintstone around the driveway. So the mom's like, oh, I think they were the longest flight I've ever been on.

And the dad's like, oh, that was super long. Well, they're those, they're those people. You're sitting on a fucking beach. Stop talking about your flight. You won. Yeah. So they are in the, I don't know, is it the natal region, the Natal region. But we have Joe.

Needle? Just babies everywhere. People are like, oh. God, I wish I had a baby right now. I know. So this must be being in the natal region. So just like, we are from South Africa and now since like, our relationship began 20, 20 years, 20 odd years ago. Emphasis on odd.

We actually have a very odd relationship, specifically 20 years ago, but odd, it's been an odd 20 years. And I knew that this was going to be an actory person because she does karate chop talk. It's like a mixture. It's not karate chop like horizontally. It's like karate chopping vertically. Like she's separating dough. She's dough dividing while she talks. Kind of a Shannon Bador type thing.

I was like, yeah, it's a very dramatic person. You know, she's like, it's been a dream for a long time. We share dreams. That's why we're both in such blinding patterns. I've got one blinding pattern. He's got another blinding pattern. We're basically like every season of Old Navy crashing up against each other in a marriage.

And we see a picture of them when they first met. And like she was like young and hip. And he was, they both were kind of like young and hip, sort of like edgy. It looked like they would go to like, no doubt concerts and stuff like that. And Joe was like, it was love at first sight. And she goes, we got married and had a beautiful girl, Lucy. We love Lucy. Lucy, don't you love the love that we give you?

Shut up, mother. God, she's wonderful. They have very different versions of what a dream looks like. it's hard to pick aside because they both dress like nightmares. So it's been a real rough for us here in the editing room. So they're walking on the beach and Joe Allison's like, oh, I love that ocean over there. Isn't it beautiful? And he's like, I wonder if I can grow corn on it because I love land.

I want to live on land. Land where you can grow things. Things grow on land. Can't wait to live on land. You know, I knew I wanted to own my own business one day. so I became an accountant and I was like oh this is sad not because it's sad to be an accountant but just because when we see that photo of them looking like young and edgy and like yeah we're like rock stars we're gonna see the world he's like that's when I knew I'm gonna become an accountant

I was like oh so this is how it happens yeah that's why it's better to date people like never start dating until you're really old because people have already given up their original dream and you see what the real one is now you know and and so he basically gave up his like his fun, edgy ways to be a CPA. And Allison says, you know, they called him J. Crunch. And towards the end of high school, I really got into drama and theater. I was like, wait, I can't even talk about your high school. Jay Crunch. Because he crunches numbers.

It's because I crunch numbers. No, well, also, he eats the cereal very loudly. You don't want to be near it. You'll be splated in filth. Yeah, he actually gets tickets for J. crunching the only person in South Africa who gets jing trunching tickets so I really got into drama and theater and I really found my seat and my passion from there and so from that oh I've made a living

editing I was like oh really prove it I don't believe you and then they put up her dressed like a park ranger but like with a frog eye headband on top of her big straw hat and then rosy cheek blush like baby Jane she looks like a like a clown park ranger with a froggy hat and then there's also when she's talking about acting she's like i really found my passion for it they show her dress as a mime and first she's like holding a red flower like here's a whimsical flower and then she's just holding up an empty picture frame and looking through it in her mind makeup it's like it was like every like uh like waiting for guffman moment it was like katherine o' harrow's character and waiting for guffman you know yeah she's like

I've got my homework set out for me learning about Australian theatre. I was like, you sure do. They show a picture of her in doggy makeup with like a little headband that has the ears. She's like, you know, before I start, you know, I have to see where the best place for me to do my doggy hamlet production. Yeah. You know, everyone's heard of children's theater, but does this place have dog theater? Right, we're going to find out.

And I was like, well, during my accounting career, she said, Jesus Christ, crunch. Why do you have to fuck about with my acting segment? All right? You can't just go from acting to bragging about counting things. All right. I was just about to explain all the motivations that went into me dressing up like a clown reporter. Okay, the people need to know. All right, it's a different segment, different segment.

All right, during my accounting career, I've managed to save money. And so that stood us in good stead for getting a leg up in getting to Australia. You said leg up. Now a dog's pissing on you. All right, don't give a dog its cue at a dog beach. It's called method. It's called method. This is my trip, okay?

I understand the way they work. So she's like, my sister lives in Perth. And I've always just found Australia so beautiful. But when we came to Brisbane to visit Joe's uncle, we said, wow. I mean, that's a hand on me, bum. Am I right? Fresh uncle is. Fresh men.

I have to say, when I would walk down the streets in Brisbane, been in full clown makeup, I was so impressed with the way people didn't just look at me strangely and call the police. I really like the city. I decided to change careers. My uncle is a builder on the Sunshine Coast, and it's more in line with where I want to be, which is outdoors, on land, in nature, which has land and possibly gross corn. We want complete change on land. Yeah, I'd like to learn how to crunch, but on land. So, it'll be a land cruncher. The seat just doesn't really brunch. You know what I'm saying? So, he's like, well, so we're leaving South Africa to go to Australia for a complete change.

Also, we got in trouble with the South African mafia. So anyway, go on to Brisbane. So, you know, we want a complete change. Basically what Allison works for. How dare you? I'm a working actor. Listen, I've done two black box performances in the past three years, so, you know, don't talk to me about change. Kiss me, dog. one of the productions we did Kiss me, Dog. I was actually in the dog version of Kitts.

So. It was still called Kitts. It was very confusing when people showed up, honestly. We got a lot of bad reviews on that one. You know, I'm telling you, we would have gotten better reviews. Mr. Mostofle, he's not kept licking his own wiener. I'll tell you, Peter Trevers actually came down

to our production in Jay Berg, said, what the hell's going on? These old dogs are supposed to be kits? That was the headline. Let me tell you, when we did a chorus kit, it was really obnoxious trying to get a bunch of dogs to line up, you know? And why was it called a chorus kit when they were all dogs? No one really understood it, but that's part of being an artist.

You know, we definitely had a hard time breaking to the audiences when we did an old clown dog version of Angels in America. But... And they're clown dogs. But I still think it's a powerful show that needs to be put on. Dogs in America, dog angels in America. One dog came down with bones and it became an epidemic. Yeah, I don't think Lin-Manuel Miranda appreciated when we did Dog Hamilton.

I thought it was lovely personally. All right. So let's get back. to this so Joe's like we've given up all home we've given up all career i was like okay okay joe you you're moving to australia let's let's stop back to it up you didn't move to a treehouse in the middle of guatemala which i've also seen on this show and al's like it's now and ever we're gonna only be this age now we're only gonna have this much money now and the sunshine coats who knows the sunshine coast could be not sunshine tomorrow what if it's the dark coast tomorrow what if it's the moonshine coast tomorrow you know you know the sun's only out

half the day so it's literally we got to go there in the out because by the time we get there the sun might be out so you know this place is crazy because it feels like the sunshine coast is a vacation spot and that's weird because it feels like you're on vacation when you're here isn't it something but you know what it's where you live you're not on vacation because you live here it's crazy Yeah, I'll give you a moment to wrap your mind around there, living in a holiday destination. So Joe's like, well, there's wilderness here. It's unbelievable. I love it.

I'm like, you were living in Africa, by the way. So Zoe is... I know. The previous picture of your home was of an elephant. So... You could just do that. So now we meet the realtor who doesn't seem to... She's a relocation specialist.

She's not actory at all. She's like, hello. I'm Zoe Griffin. You know what? The Sunshine Coast offers a lifestyle for everyone, even clowns who dress like dogs. Dog clowns, if you will. If you're an activity or an outdoorsy person or, I guess a clown person, there's a club or a group or a part of land to do it on. You can just do it on the land.

I'm like, please stop saying you can do it on the land. Please stop doing the box step while you're doing your house hunter's intro. Okay. We got it. You're very dramatic. I think that this realtor knows what's her buns from the community theater or something. Allison. Yeah, I think that she actually is the one who's like, she works in the box office, the community theater.

And you can tell that she really wants to be the actor and not just the box. I shouldn't say just the box. I'm sorry, every role is important. Mine more than you, which is why yours is called supporting, eh? But you can tell she wants to be an actor, not the box office, because she's like, Guys, here we are meeting in a park, all right? Now, let me ask you, what's the feeling we get in this home? What's the feeling?

How do we want to feel in the home? Oh, okay, actor studio. Just fucking get me a roof. I learned everything about real estate from Uta Hagan. So now, so Joe and Allison are with Zoe. And Zoe's like, yeah, so what are you looking for? Where do you want to do it? What do you want?

Because you can do it anywhere you want to on the Sunshine Coast. So Allison's like, well, I want turnkey and modern. It doesn't have to be an actual key because I'm actually trained in mine. So if we just go up to a door and I could just turn my fingers and make it look like I'm turning a key, that works for me too. So Joe's like, we're a wicked living in a shed. Listen, here's what's the important part. It's got to be on land. We've got to get away from the hostel and bustle.

And we're looking for a piece of land. It's got good water on it, all right? That means pooper. I want a good pooper. It's private, it's occluded, there's no neighbours. Similar to what, I know you've never heard this on this show, but I won't think something similar to what I grew up with is a child. Of course you do, you fucking man child.

What is with the men children on this show? Every place they get, it has to remind them of home. What did your mother's do to you? I'm not saying I'm unhappy in life. I'm not saying that I'm pawning for a nostalgic piece of my childhood because my adulthood hasn't panned out the way I wanted it to be. I'm just saying that I'm someone who used to go to No Doubt concerts and now I'm a CPA and now all of a sudden in the age of mid-40s

I want to grow things and live back in my childhood. So I'm really happy and this marriage is in a great state. And not to tack away from what Joe is saying, but I mean he is called J-Crunch. So let's put us about as much stock in that as we should, shall we? All right, now listen, I want to be close to neighbors, not an hour away. and we can be by the beach. You know, we could take the dogs for a walk.

We can grab coffee. Plus, I'm hot, am I right? We're in Australia. Am I right? Hold on. Hold on one second. Let me put a wall between me and the seats. All right.

Flatten the hands out and there's a wall there. All right, I'm going to go down into the basement. Here I go. Yeah, you know, it's really important for me that I be around people. I need to go to the gym. Something I really love doing is, you know, like, you know, finding some stairs and, you know, getting some exercise and they don't have to be real they could be invisible i just go up and down those stairs all day long people really enjoy that when i do that's mainly a downstairs rhythm

mainly go down into the scene and she's like and also a pool and so the realtor is like so what's your budget here pat and eye pokers and my eyes hurt really he's got very strong patterns on but that's something you know i love people who can not only speak with their personalities but also with the clothing and let me just say as someone who speaks in words ow my eyes hit, right? Yeah. So Zoe's like, well, I think there'll be a little bit of butting of heads in terms of how they, how far they're willing to compromise in terms of the land, visit the home.

So they get under their cars. And also, their budget is 900,000. It's very important, Ben. Got to get that in there. That's right. I'm sorry. 900,000. Yeah, 900,000.

Yeah, 900K. So they're in their cars. And they're heading to a world renowned beach on the Sunshine Coast. And she says, My strategy with bringing Joe and Ellie into this home in Nusa Heads is to show them that exactly the type of cosmopolitan style of Nusa Heads. You know, I think that's what Ali is really looking for, you know, and it's going to work amazingly well for Lucy in this cosmopolitan corner of this city. And it's just like, houses. Yeah.

And the real just like, welcome, here we are. Lights up. Lights up. On a modern beach home In exterior Modern Beach home I hope I get it I hope I get it

How many tenants does it How many boys? How many? Right there was from chorus kit Love your work by the way All those dogs playing kitts In a chorus line Wonderful work there

Yeah You know it's a shame Because our version of Little Shop of Horrors Just really didn't quite You know Didn't really take off it turns out people not as excited about a man-eating dog as they are a man-eating plant. So you plant that ate dogs, you know.

People got much more upset than they were watching humans get meat. It's kind of unfair, really, if you think about it. We got protested by Peter, and I thought, wow, this is amazing. We're actually going to get some national news because of this, but it turned out it was just someone threw some Peter through our window. Actually, I once did a... production of Peter Dog

and we actually got protested by a bunch of people named Peter because they just didn't like Peter Peen being played by a dog so you know it's the access life I think they also didn't appreciate

that during this the you know when we were singing I'm flying that it was just actually just I was just walking around on the stage like a dog and pretending to pee on a hydrant I said I'm peeing so modern beach home

I was like, oh, it feels so welcoming. Oh, yes, it's a community vibe. Four bedrooms, pooh, obviously. Living closer to the city means smaller land size, but that might be one of the compromises here. I want you to think about it. You're not living, you're not on a stage. You're in a, what do you call the round stages?

What are this called? In the round. You're in a theatre in the round, basically. Everyone can see you, but it's kind of the point, isn't it? It's like you're in fun, home, but you're actually in a fun home right here. See, look, you're by the ocean, you know. Fun home, starring Jay Crunch.

I mean, it's kind of fighting there, isn't it? You know, the star and the title. We actually did do a dog version of Fan Home. Turns out, people were really crying when I sing Ring of Keys and I had it in my mouth, like a good little doggy. People like, this is supposed to be a song about lesbian love and you turned it about a dog. We're fetching keys. Every time we sing Ring of Keys, the dog started crying at the front door.

Really awkward. Really hard to keep an audience. You should have seen when we did the band's visit. We actually had humans at that one. And then all we dogs, when the bands showed up, we all just ran up to the band looking for treats. It was wonderful. And the dog played on. Let me tell you, that was a depressing one.

All right. Get on all that. All right, so Beach House. And Joe's like, what's the price of this one? $900,000. And does that include your commission? Oh, how bet you let me do the work before you try to stiff me for it, your cheap fuck? All right?

Let's go take a look. Let's go take a look. So, Joe's like, well, the land size is very small, not quite what I want. I'm in the way of acreage request, Zoe. And the neighbours are very close, which is a bit of a negative for me. I'm like, negative for you. It's negative for the. them they're the ones who have to look at their window and see clown school happening next to the accountant

no kidding they've got to watch juggily breath exercise posts over here alison you know she's out there every day like me mo my mom all the worlds are stage and all the all the men and women merely players so joe uh alison's like it's miss if it's me it's neat oh it's so cool i already feel relaxed here, I can finally breathe out. All right, well, good and shoot a two different notions, aren't they? Would you like a stick of gum, dear? All right. Now look here. There's greenery going from every single window in here. And it's nice. It's actually a really nice house. It's like a nice layout, like modern appliances. It's nice. And Ali's like, it's really nice. Yeah, this is a really nice house. It's great. And so Ali is like, nothing has to be done. You're like, you're in the kitchen,

which is where you always are when you're in the kitchen. We know when you're in the kitchen, you're always in the kitchen. And then there's like a lounge area, and there's an outside area. And then Lucy's in the pool. I can see her in the pool. And then I'm in the kitchen pretending I'm in the pool, miming that I'm swimming. Have you ever done the breaststroke mime? It's actually one of the easiest mimeries you can do at there.

And now I'm flying. Now I'm flying over a city. How am I flying in the kitchen, kids? We don't know. Hey, this kitchen island, I love that it comes with its very own elevator going down. Gonna look at my watch. Mama will provide.

Please get off the island, dear. I'm doing once on this island. More like once going below the island, because again, miming an elevator at this moment. So Joe is like, well, this is great. It's a lot better than I expected. Wow, this is kind of amazing. Look at this.

This is great. I actually love it. This is exactly what I wanted. I don't think we have to go any further. Joe, guess what? We're doing a TV show, so you're going to have to not like something. Just like perfect, sold.

I'll take it. Yeah. Doesn't really have wilderness, but guess what? I'll grow corn in that pool. All right, I don't really care. I'm done shopping. This is it. This is the one.

So they go, the bedrooms are good. The primary bedroom is huge. It has a lot of light. And it has like a really big walk-in robe, which I guess is slang for wardrobe. Yeah, walk in a robe. That's just a giant robe. You just walk into it. Yeah, I'm closed.

So Joe's like You could even get all of your clothes in here Not that I would get any in there I'm just a man But there's a walk and shower There's two sinks And realtor lady Zoe is like I'm starting to think

Farmer Joe Hold on let me Let me do some hoe in here Farmer Joe How me the hell He might not mind A cosmopolitan lifestyle It just goes to show

That the farmer and the cowman can be friends to the californ and the can be friends so they go outside there's a pool there's a garden there's a fire pit

I want to move here why am I living in this fucking place it's 5,000 degrees okay did I tell you I had a centipede here the other day that was I mean I have a video of it

I'm going to send it to you it is huge what am I even doing here there were snakes out here I had to call a snake wrangler oh god I'm obsessed with his face page. He's like, guys, no one cares about the snakes but me. Anyway, why am I, if I'm going to deal

with that, I might as well move to Australia. Yeah. I mean, Australia has scary things, but like, you know, Texas is up there too, to be honest. This place looks gorgeous. Yeah. So, yeah, and this backyard. I mean, yeah, it was a smaller yard, but it's like a bigger than a yard that I have. My yard is the size of a thumb. So I would like it personally. So it was gorgeous. Smaller, but it looks enormous to me. I mean, listen to all that stuff I just listed. Pool, garden. All those things. What's the other thing? There was like a fire pit. There was a patio. There was everything. It's beautiful. It's like within budget, right? It was $900,000. It was right in the budget. Yeah, there's neighbors around. But guess what? Don't do anything that like you'd be embarrassed for a neighbor to see and you'll be fine.

Yeah. But you're not in the thick of the wilderness or yeah. Location is bang on, Joe. It's just so close to what we need, which is basically a bunch of buildings with business names on them. There could be really anything. What we call them is an escape from Jay Crunch. Am I right? Close to civilisation. We'll take it. Yeah. So now they go to house too. And Joe is like, you know what? I'm giving up the seat and tie. I'd like to have a crack at living off the land. Because instead of Africa, my parents owned a game farm. It was absolutely phenomenal upbringing and a privilege to live in that environment. basically my life is a dead end and did not fulfill any dreams I wanted. So I'm just going to regress to childhood. Yeah, a game farm. So that's where you're shooting them for fun. That's

really great, Joe. Is that what that is? I'm assuming so. Or is the game just like gameer meat? I thought it was like gameier meat. That's what I assumed. I didn't look into it. Or they were just like farming settlers of Catan. Like they're literally farming games, guys. It's just a farm like where they grow games. Like, well, we just finished a crop. Scrabble. All right, let's move on. It's the season of Monopoly, guys. I don't know what a game farm is.

I don't know why I'm offended. I'm just, that's how I am. So then, um, speaking of game forms, you know what's funny? We did an all dog version of chess. It was a very, very dramatic experience. Didn't get good reviews, though.

Yeah. So Al, Al, I was like, well, I'm an actor, and I'm auditioning for an organization called Clean doctor's. So we see her, we cut to her getting dressed in a dressing room, and she's putting on the clown nose and everything, and another terrible pattern, which I love. This one's tie that. I love that even when you're in character, you're like, but you know what?

You need to keep one part of yourself, and that is bad paid ends. All right. Yeah. So it's actually clowning for a good cause, because it's to distract kids in the hospital from being in the hospital. So we see her audition, and she's like, hello. My name is Dr. Ninkum Poop. Nice to meet you. Dr. Nencompoop is so happy to be here

because Dr. Ninkum Poop lives with a CPA, a CPA who dreams of being a farmer. Do you know how hard that is on Dr. Ninkum Poop? Yeah, it's really difficult. Where is my clown? Dr. Ninkampoop is just trying to go from CPA to C.YA. See ya. One day she'll get enough courage,

hopefully at a beach somewhere that she'll be living close to. Dr. Ninkanpoop, where did you get your medical degree? Oh, oh, I didn't realize we're going to roleplay that hard little girl. Okay, well, I got my... I actually did a term at Cornell Medical School and was unfortunately, I couldn't deal with the weather in Ithaca. So I transferred over to NYU. Unfortunately, it was a little bit difficult for me.

So I actually... It's really the doctor is more of a... It's more of a ornamental title for me. I'm going to need to internalize this, if you don't mind, all right? And she's actually doing this in front of a sick kid, which is such a weird audition. Really? It was a child. They showed a kid in the bed. And the kids just like, oh my God, my disease feels better for the moment.

But unfortunately, I'm infected with cringe. Can somebody please get this mum out of my room? The clown knows. Hi, Dr. Lincoln Pup is giving me the night terrors. Do we have any medicine for that? Can I have some of my morphine drip, please? While we've got doctors in the house, listen, I know I'm a sick child, but I would love if someone could sew up my eyes and my ears. So I didn't have to deal with this anymore, all right?

It should be illegal. I can't get out of this bed and you're putting this in front of me. Is there a remote control? So then Allie is basically saying, yeah, she just likes to be a distraction for these kids. And then she says, and you know what? I think that Lisee will be the most adaptable out of the three of us. She's living in nature, and she's always out there with bare feet out in the woods every day. You know, she's that kind of gal.

And then we just see this little girl just like, she's like, Nell, just like bouncing around. And I'm like in the woods, stepping on like a stump, prancing around, child of the forest. Definitely not me. We just see her climbing a log. They're like, look at her so outdoorsy. So the real leader is like, well, the major conflict is location. Ellie would do the coast, but Joe's just happy on the land. Joe, what do you like?

Land. Told you. So we're going to head to Kroyba. Oh, I love that restaurant. No, not Kharabos. Koroiba. Don't get too excited, Alison. I feel like we're sort of heading into the countryside.

This feels great. And Allison's like, oh, I feel like we're moving. quite a distance from where I need to be. Oh God, I just feel so much artistry behind me. Where are the audiences here exactly? Do they even have six children in Karoyba? Do the actors here actually use their voices? Is there no invisible elevator or escalator available now? Strange. All right, well this one's on two acres. It's got two bed bathrooms, two bed beyond rooms and it's $915,000. Now I know that's a lot, Joe. All right, it's It may be a lot, but it's huge.

Where do you see the back? I may even have a water source for Joe. Make this sound like an outhouse back there. And I like the little information. You know, the little dossier on the left is like, four bed, too bad, two acres, bottom turnkey. And then it's like, too secluded. Like, okay.

Okay. You don't need your editorial opinion. Just give me the stats. So they walk in and, by the way, this house is enormous. We see a lot of aerial shots of it. It's like a huge house. and you walk in and it's like this big giant white space. And it's huge.

But then it's like you also have to furnish all that space. That's a lot of space to furnish. It is. But, you know, I mean, I just love it. It's like so big and it has like tile floors and it's fairly new looking for being that big. It's still nice. Yeah, it's nice. And it's just enormous.

And Allison's like, oh, my God, you could have made you having friends. You could have made you anything neighbors. I was like, no. I don't think so. I'll just stand outside the window and be like, I'm your neighbor. I'll hold a little fence over my face, just like that show.

And then, and then Zoh was like, and look in here, there's a, look at this dark purple room. This is for media room. It's this where it's dark when you watch your TV.

And listen, you've been on TV before. You're an actor, right? You've been on TV. Yeah. I'm going to have to ask you to stop that right now. We talked about we're not going to discuss about the television career,

okay? Um, So let me see here. Joe's like, oh my God, we're in the wilderness. And look, there's a beach out there. It's like a pond. It's like, look, we've also got the water for you. Can't wait to go swimming in that.

By the way, that pond looks disgusting. It looks like all the crocodiles are in that pond. I would never go 10 feet near that pond. That is a death trap pond, if you ask me. It is. That is like the previous owners are dead in that pond somewhere. Yeah, like you need to drain it. But by the way, this house, first of all,

it had also an amazing stove top in the kitchen, like a beautiful range. And second of all, I don't know if that show Instant Hotel is still on, but this would be a great house for Instant Hotel. Do you remember that show? Yeah, I love that hotel. I love that.

I'm scrolling through my notes, like a little lost. But yeah, I did love that show. I wish I would come back. Remember the ladies from Bondi Beach? The mother and daughter. Because my daughter's name is Bondi.

Because I love that beach. And then I was like reading for them to win at the end, too. That's the funny part. Well, they grow on you after a while. They almost did, didn't they? They got really close. Didn't they win? No, they came in second.

Well, let's not say who won just in case anybody hasn't watched it. Go watch it. It's on Netflix. It's hilarious. So good. The Bondi and her mom are terrible. It's not that they grow on you. It's just that everyone else wears on you.

Like, everyone else just becomes so awful over the course of that series that by the time it's over. You're like, just give it to Bondi and her mom. Just give it to the people who are already out of the closet terrible. Yeah. So, yeah, so this big giant house with a nice plot of land. The big bathrooms, bedrooms are big. Everything is just like big. There's a lot of space. I feel like they're getting a huge bang for their buck with this house. I really love the first house, but this house is also really, really, really good. Like I think like whichever one they took of these two, I would totally, fully support them. Yeah. So Joe's like, I feel like a dock in water. And he's like, we could probably push the boat out on that part. No, you can't Joe. Joe's an idiot. And also, I would not trust someone like Joe, because Joe's that typical guy is like, oh, just want to live off the land. Joe's going to poison you. Like, he's not going to do anything right. I just don't trust Joe. I don't trust Jay Crunch to live off the land for me. No. I don't want my CPA to also be like my farming sustenance provider. So no offense to CPA is. I just don't trust. I just don't trust. I don't know. I don't know if I just feel like everyone has their lane and if your lane is doing my taxes I don't feel like your lane is also farming necessarily open to being changed though so there I just don't want him in charge of my well because he keeps saying like I want a water source like he really wants a

well those take a lot of work like there's so much chemical balance and yeah there's all this I just don't trust Joe Joe no Joe get away from my well J crunch so anyway he loves this place and he leaves and kicks up his heels. Like, he really loves it. He loves every place they've seen. He loves it. It's like, I'll take this one too. So now they're doing the driving thing,

and they're talking to each other via phone in their different cars. And the realtor's like, so tell me about you guys. How did this beautiful bed pad and romance start? Well, I was traveling in England and staying at a house year with my brother, and then him and my brother were friends in South Africa, but I never met Joe. And then we went to a mutual friend of his party, and he was like, who was that sexy lady pretending to go down an elevator?

And I said, hey, who's that sexy man doing text returns by the punch bowl? And then romance blossomed. Then we banged in the closet and boom. Here comes that. Here comes my baby. He said, do me, Dr. Nincompeep. And I said, sure will. So the relative is like, we love a good love story.

Now listen, these two, they're like chalk and cheese, but they go together quite well. Joe crunch a cereal on your face and she dresses like a napkin. Right? It's a match made in heaven. Do we have any pictures of Aeason dressed like a clown chef that's also a dog? No? Okay, we can break on that. So, do you know, that is actually impressive.

How many sick children have left the hospital after Allison's performed for them? They found the will to heal themselves and get out of the They didn't heal necessarily, but they did run, you know? And once you see the sick child run like that, you've got to really give credit with creditors do, you know. Apparently, though, there's been a large uptick in therapy sessions around the hospital. Something called a Dr. Nenka, Bip, because it used to be slender being used to plague all the children,

but now they say something about a Dr. Ninkabip. All right. So now we go to a new place. I think this one's called Ducks House. It's right? It's at Palm Woods. I don't know if it's called Ducks House or not. I don't know.

I wrote that. So I don't know. It's a three bush acreage. So there's that. And she's like, and this does, now this, you do have no bits here, but they're not on top of you. All right. This one's 20 minutes to the beach. Yeah, 20 minutes to the beach is two bed, one bath.

And this is a smaller house. And so, Ali is like, oh, you're not going to tell me this is the house right here. Well, you're not going to tell me you're re-electer, are we? So I guess we all have all limits. Anyway, the price is $850,000, which gives you a little bit of cash left over to fix up the house. And I was like, ew, she's like, I don't want to fix up a house. She says, well, it's not ready to, you know, Alison's like, this isn't ready to go. That's a downside for me.

I'm married to fix her up. Are you think I want to move into one as well? Yeah. So they walk in and there are high ceilings in this place. It's not as crappy. as you would think. It's not like dilapidated, but it looks dated. It looks like it's late 90s, early 2000s or something.

And compared to the other houses, it's definitely very small. But like, you know, there's nice counters, I guess, in the kitchen. It's not great. It's not great. It's not great. And I think for the price difference, I mean, they're only really saving 50 grand, which is nothing for the difference in the style and what you get. For monthly payments, that's not a lot of change.

Right. And they're going to have to put a lot more than 50,000 work into it to make it as cute as the other places, don't you think? Yeah, because it's not cute. It's very generic looking. And in fact, I saw several doors and windows that sort of had like a chain link thing going on where I was like, is the chain link there functional to keep robbers out? Or is it just chain link because someone liked the look of chain link? Either way, it was sort of not great. And we go through, of course, Joe likes it.

And Ali's like, you know, Joe is your way. just like a chameleon. You know what? I'm the actor here. I'm the one who can play different roles, but he keeps on changing. One house is like, I love the grieve. And now we're like, now he's like, oh, it's a shed. Who cares? Who cares about a house? I love a shed. You know, he's just one big chameleon who does Texas. It's very strange. So we look at the house. They like the bathroom. They do like it. I think it sucks. I thought it sucked. Allison's like, this is sweet. I'm like, it's a shitter Allison. We're acting. It's like a plain bathroom. So she's like, these new bathing here.

And this is the worst part to me. Their daughter, this is a two bedroom, first of all. This is a rip-off. I wouldn't even move it. We've already said that. But the daughter's bedroom shares a wall with the parents' bedroom. They're both tiny. And who wants to sleep wall-to-wall with their parents? Gross. Gross. It's very. And who wants to sleep all to wall with their kid? Gross. Gross on all accounts. And then, I mean, I guess the, obviously the selling point of this place is that it's got 10 acres of land, which is, huge. But also, it has like a nice patio area, but like not nice at the same time because when you go outside, there's an whole big outdoor area, but like the roof over the porch or the patio is like corrugated tin metal, which is sort of looks very like ramshackle. So I feel like it's like actively ugly. Yeah. It's like making an effort to be ugly. So Joe's like, well, the land is fantastic. I love land.

Now the house is lovely and intimate and it'll draw our family close together and the price is pretty good but you know what I love? Land. I love taking a piece of dirt and saying, guess what? This is your TX return. It's land.

So Zoe, even Zoe's like, I don't know. She's like, well, what is it? Everything I showed him is too small. It's too big. I don't know. I'm confused. What a dramatic impasse that we're at. I'm like, stop trying to sell us on this, Zoe. Zoe's really working hard. So we go to the family on the beach, back to the beach, and Joe's like, have you noticed that the sand squeaks here when you walk on it? And they're like, no, Joe, there's a crad just stepping on, Joe. You're stepping on. You just stepped on an eel, Joe, for crawling out loud. God, they're going to start calling you Jay Crunch even here, Joe.

Joe, you stopped stepping on living things. Joe, you just stepped on a beached whales fin. Come on, that's insensitive. They call me Joe, the crunch, Jay Crunch for a reason. We know Joe. So the narrator's like, Joe and Alice, Joe, Allison and Lucy are leaving their life in South Africa for a complete change on the Sunshine Coast of Australia.

But Joe and Allison have different ideas of what's best for their daughter. Might I give them a hint? not embarrassing them with your terrible clown work and your nickname from college. Joe and Allison have different ideas for what's best for a new life for their daughter. Here's my suggestion.

Send her to Sydney so she can grow up around normal people. I'd like to just take one moment to show something with more personality than any loser in this family. Let's go back to the elephant. Okay, let's all look at that for a second. Lucy, if you're having night terrors about Dr. Ninkum poop, just blink one eye slowly. We'll come save you.

So they're talking about the homes. One, two, or three. And they're like, well, let's see what Zoe thinks. There's Zoe. Now, one is great. It's on budget. It's a nice house. I could see myself in the kitchen.

I could see Lucy in the pool. Or I did once on this island on the island. That was fun. I got rape reviews from me. Here's number two. You know, it's really enormous. It's the largest house I've ever played in. It's quite literally a house I've played in.

So that's exciting. And there's house number three. It's a shed on lots of land. So what's not to love about that? I love how they're doing that thing where they're like, let's ask Lucy, because she's the one who matters the most. I'm like,

you didn't even bring her out of the house tour. She doesn't matter at all. I know. Poor fucking Lucy. She's going to be like, let's move to Clare's. House number three was the first thing that your mom said to me when I was naked. A lot of bush. So we get the done, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, done, done, don, done.

So I am thinking here. Yeah, I know it's so good. At this point, whenever it plays, I'm like, dun, dun, dun, dun. It's like me every time Postmates arrives, I'm like, are they going to find my door? Dun, dun, dun, dun. So at this point, in my mind, I'm thinking, I think they're going to go for the giant house in the middle because it has land for farming. It's huge. It's a great deal.

it's not quite as in town as what Allison wants, but it's not that far. And Allison is not giving that energy of like, this is what I want. So I don't think the episode is going to end. Like, at the end of the day, I just want to make my wife happy. I think she's going with the flow. So I was like, this is the best deal. It's a really good house. It has a creepy puddle in the back.

But like, this is clearly the one that should be chosen. And then after this, maybe they'll go for the one that's in like the quote unquote cosmopolitan one. That's what I thought. And these idiots choose number three. And not only that, they eliminate the big house first. They're like, that seems like a little bit too big of a house for all. So let's get rid of that one.

That was the best one. That was definitely the best one. And they take, they get rid of the night. Well, the nicest one was the first one. The best one as far as big house was the second one. And the third one was by far the shittiest. What an ugly house. What an ugly outdoor.

What an ugly everything. You're going to share a bedroom door with poor Lucy. Lucy's never going to make out with anybody. It was literally the worst. I was shocked. I'm always so shocked when they choose the worst one. And yet it happens so consistently on the show. Every time.

Every time they always take the worst one. They literally do. So we come back six months later and I was cracking you up. They're like six months later. Let's see what this wild child is up to. And it just cuts to Lucy just like doing Cirque de Soleil on her rib swing over this like bog. And she's just like foo foo foo foo, foo, foo. Like those legs, those arms are swirling around.

she just hurls herself into the water. Into this pond and an alligator eats her. And we never hear from Lucy again. What the hell is dangerous? This child is not me growing up. That's for sure. Okay, so what I said about not trusting Joe to farm or do fucking anything, this is why. This is what Joe tells us.

Yeah, we've been here six months. And I've already harvested 40 grams of jalapino chili. What the fuck you're going to do with 40 grams of jalapeno, dude? Those kilograms, to be fair. So it was a little bit more than that. But still, I don't know. I don't know. He's like, unless it's weed, I don't know.

Okay. We're going to live off the land. So guess what? For the next six months, all we're eating is jalapenos. Yeah, but that's what I'm saying? What are you going to do with all of that jalapeno? Who needs that much? That's ridiculous.

Maybe he sells it at like a farmer's market. It's like not enough to sell at a farmer's market, but not enough to use for it. It's like too much to use for yourself. This is this fucking Joe, you know? It's like, oh my God, we can finally make our own food on the land. I'm going to make jalapeno for life. I'm like, wow. Thank you for making an occasional topping, Joe.

And Lucy's like, I love our new home. It's got docks and there's a dim. And it's got so big for exploring. And I've got an imaginary friend back there. But I've heard sometimes when I go into the forest, I hear a voice that says, follow Dr. Non-Dincompoop. Follow Dr. Ninkum-poop.

And that's too scary for me. So I run back to Mommy, although I go on the rope swing first. The house may have been $850, but the tetanist was free. And then Allison's like, and guess what? I got the job as the clown doctor. Oh, God, I'm so sorry. Listen, I feel like I haven't said sorry enough to six children in general.

Like, I'm so sorry, six children for what you're dealing with. Now I'm like three times of sorry because this is a lot. This is when you've got to say, hey, Nintendo, you got to start donating some switches to these kids because otherwise they're stuck with doctrine income. It just takes a spotlight sometimes to really show you what people are dealing with and I am gonna go help some sick children now We may have to step in here and then it ends with Ali saying You know what you only have one I'm encouraging people to go for it you only have one life Live it and the last shot is her sitting on like some stage with a guy wearing like a little crown

Like they're about to do some like Richard the third or whatever but like the clown version So that brings us to the end of this but I was watching the previews for the next episode, which we're not really recording, but I thought it was so funny because it's just so this show. It's a gay couple, and it's like, Adieu and Nerdita are taking a break from fast-paced San Francisco. They've never been to Mexico, but they're going to move there. And one of them is allergic to cats, but he's going to move in with his boyfriend who loves cats. That is so this show. It's like, Raoul and Tommy are both on the run.

from Brazilian officers, which is why they've decided to move to Rio de Janeiro just to risk it. Next to a police station. It's like, okay. Okay, that's, then they're going to complain. While this is T-Clast the police station, and we are on the run. Oh, well, thank you so much, everybody, for joining us. We will see you in a couple of weeks. Bye.

Bye.