Watch What Crappens - Dwell Hello #320: Couple Seeks Old Home That’s Not Haunted in Massachusetts

Episode Date: October 12, 2023

Time for a spooky House Hunters!  Join a couple as they seek an old home in New England that’s NOT haunted.  Good luck!  Catch the episode on Max with House Hunters Volume 4, Season 112 Episode 1:  “Couple Seeks Old Home That’s Not Haunted in Massachusetts.”Find bonus episodes at patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens and follow us on Instagram @watchwhatcrappens @ronniekaram @benmandelker Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

And welcome to Dwell Hello. It's our House Hunters podcast. I'm Ben. That's Ronnie. How you doing, Ronnie? Good. What's going on with you, my little man? Not much. You know, it's October. It's a spooky time of the year. People get ready for the tricking and the treating and all that good stuff,

watching the scary movies, getting into the spirit. And what better way to usher in Halloween, the Halloween month, than with a very creepy, crawly, spooky house hunters episode. Do it, Ben. Don't threaten me with a good time. Fine. Yeah, this is a very scary episode, mostly the couple. This is one of those couples where you're like, oh, my God, the guy's the ridiculous one.

He's like very, if King of Queens was playing the guy from TLC's sister wives, Cody Brown. But then the wife is like, but also I'm in musical theater and I sing. I was like, oh no, you're both disasters. I don't want to live next to either one of you. These people are ridiculous. So the episode we're talking about is House Hunters. We watch it on Max.

Okay. So here is how you find it on Max. Because I actually don't think it's on YouTube TV. It's House Hunters, Volume 4, Season 112, episode. one. Is it episode one? I feel like I miswrote that. It's episode one. Episode one. But here's the name of it.

Couple Seeks Old Home that's not haunted in Massachusetts. Well, good luck with that. Good luck. This is the first one I actually looked up on Max that I couldn't search by title. I think it just got exhausted. It was too many numbers. Too many. House Hunters

Volume 4, Season 11, episode, no, season 1, episode one couple seeks old home that's not haunted in Massachusetts. I need a bookmark to get through that title. What the fuck? We found this one. Basically, Ronnie was like, pick something for this for this to well, hello. It's your turn.

So I was supposed to give you an episode on Saturday. And then I flaked because I was playing too much Nintendo. So then I was just about to head out to breakfast and you text me, hey, just a reminder. And I was like, oh, shit. So I went on to Max and I went to like one of the random collections. I was like, let me do an older one, because for some reason, the older ones are kind of like funnier. And I, like, clicked on a random collection, on a random season. And I saw the description, a couple seeks old home that's not haunted in Massachusetts.

And I saw their faces. And I was like, I feel like this is probably a good place to start. So I was really happy that it was, it was just as ridiculous as it sounded. Yeah, it was. So, well, recently engaged couple, Kara and Jeremiah. Kara Maya, if you're into couple names, are on the hunt for their first home in Massachusetts. She wants character. And then we cut to Jeremiah going, for all your junk.

Well, because Linda goes, she wants a home with character. And then it cuts to Kara going, built-ins. I was like, whoa, okay. So the built-ins are for all your junk. And he, on the other hand, is fixated on something else. I don't even have to say the dot, dot, dot, you know what's coming. I'm going to just be quiet for a second

and let you assume his obsession is making shapes out of boogers that he picks out of his nose. Okay. And tell us your deal break, tell us your obsession there, Jeremiah. He's like, my number one deal breaker is I don't want ghosts. Linda's like, let me have a moment here. I've been doing this for many years.

I just need a, A moment to reflect on my career choices that led me to narrate this idiot buying a house. I mean, even this guy's got someone, and here I am, Linda. Alone drinking taser's choice in the morning staring at my cat. Wow. What a world. Anyway, will they be able to find a home without any spooky spirits? Or will I just have to talk to Mr. Snuffles and say, guess what I'm doing today? Talking about someone named Jeremiah who literally has $400,000 that he can spend.

Wow. And he keeps saying every time he says ghost something, he laughs at himself. He's like, well, I got a twinkle in my eye. Really afraid of ghosts. And then Kara, his fiancé, you know, just like looks at him like he's just so adorably obsessed with the ghost. You are so cheating on him. I cannot wait till you cheat on him and leave him.

I know it's coming soon. Probably with the ghosts. And it's going to be with someone from like the cast of Hello Dolly. And I'm going to crack up. They're going to do it. Like he's going to be in full sideburns. She's going to be obsessed with someone else completely weird soon. I'm Team Kara.

Yeah, they have no chemistry because they're walking along on like a path with their dog. And she's like, nice breeze today. I was like, wow, this relationship has already curdled and you have even gotten married yet. Oh no, it gets even worse. Because she says that and then he goes, yeah, it was what this morning? But now there's a breeze out. It's like, oh my God, just seriously go fuck like a stranger in the dog park behind a tree. at this point. Please. It's like, my name's Jeremiah. I'm 29 years old and I walk as a chemical engineer

because he has the biggest Massachusetts accent of all time. And then we see her. So we learn later on that she definitely has roots in musical theater. And you can see this because she has to recreate herself at work. And so she's on a laptop with a headset on. And she's like, sure, you'd like to add more students onto your ACE account? She's sitting right. by the front door with a literal headset from Amazon. Going, sure. I was dying laughing. This is like, you know, hey, we're gonna take your head shots,

but we need to know that you can play a lady in an office. She's like, look, customer service all the way. Just get me now. Give me now. I got a headset. She's doing a musical theater typing where your fingers come up to your head as you push them down, up and down, up and down.

So she goes, my name's Kara. I'm 29 years old and I'm an applied behavior analyst at a school for children with autism. Also, you could find me in the 1997 Cyanacet production of Hello Dolly, which is kind of why I have a thing for guys in that musical.

We met at a friend's house, and I knew that friend from theater, and he was, you know, this guy, real fish out of water at this party, he may have had a couple of too many drinks, okay? And he decided to take selfies with each person at the party. It was so hilarious. And at first,

and he, by the way, while she's talking, just keeps like looking at the camera and then looking at her and smiling like tell it I do tell it I can't wait this is my favorite pot this pot this pot coming up here this is wicked awesome let's listen wait wait for it so she goes honestly our first picture together like I look less than happy and we see a picture their their selfie and she's like ugh she's absolutely disgusted by this she's like I was just about to make a move on the guy who played seymour in the little shop of horrors and you totally cock-blocked me yeah she was she wasn't pleased but it still worked.

And five years later, we're still doing it. Literally. Literally. Yeah. You know, this is the perfect time for us to buy our first home together because, like, we are recently engaged and we really are like ready to start our life together. And we're like looking to buy a house in Westboro, Massachusetts. I'm initially from Long Island.

And about seven years ago, I moved to Massachusetts for work. Well, technically, I heard I had a good shot at the acting local community theater production of guys and dolls, but that unfortunately didn't work out. Tough fact, it's in acting. Am I right? But you know what? He's from Gloucester, and I love a lot about this town. You know, it reminds me of where I grew up. And I love that they flip the script on this, because that's usually what the guy says. He's like, I love this house because it's like the house where I grew up. Grandma, grandma taught me fishing here. I need to move into a place that

feels like Grandma teaching fishing. So Linda's like, all right, well, I guess I got to find some interesting tidbit about this shithole town. Nicknamed the 100th town after it was the 100th Massachusetts town to be incorporated in 1717. Westboro is rich with history. This is really all we got? It's just the 100th town. Is anyone famous from here? Do they have a fountain?

Do they have a store? Do they have a Rocky Mountain Fudge factory? Anything? Literally nothing. They were just named the 100th time. So that's that. Is this like Peggy from Real House of Orange County, the Hunter's Housewife? Really? Is it like that?

Just wondering. Westboro is rich in this as Jeremiah is with split ends. History. Very rich in history. So they're located just 30 miles of Boston. It's ideal for a couple looking for character. Am I right? Speaking of someone looking for characters, what do you say, Kara, lady who banged a guy from a theater party?

Wow, the farmer and the cameraman can be friends, but they could also be incredibly boring. So Kara, they show a shot of them, like, looking through the town at different kinds of Colonials, because that's the only kind of house you can buy there, which makes sense. But I didn't know there were this many kinds of Colonials. They're like, you know what? I want to go for an ice cream colonial. Really? I like zebra colonials.

Oh, my God. All right. Let's go to a light bulb colonial. How many colonials are there? Seriously, so they're walking down the street and they see a house and she's like, hey, look, Jeremiah, that house has all the shapes you've been talking about. I'm like, what was that conversation? I've never heard that.

Literally. How many episodes of this have we watched? Yeah, I want a house that has a few triangles, a square, and a rectangle. Can we find the house like that? Don't try it over me. Don't do it. No ovals. Oval is a for ghosts.

I don't want an oval. Okay. Casper's like a, Casper's like an oval, but like turn sideways. If you think about it, I don't want any, I don't,

I want specific shapes. So, he's, they're looking for a colonial, which by the way, it's funny because, again, ultimately a big thing for him

as he does want ghosts. You were literally in the market for the most haunted house type of house. Well, I guess a Victorian is the most haunted house, but I feel like modern horror is in colonials. Like he's literally going to

the ghosts. Well, I think living somewhere that's so historic, like you're only going to get, like, what do you think Ghostbusters came to this town? There's going to be ghosts. I mean, you need to move to like somewhere new, like Scottsdale. You know what I mean? That's where you get the least ghosts. Let me tell you something, ghosts don't haunt ranches. They don't, like, ranch ranches, but like a ranch style house. They ghost like are like, they don't like a single level. They need to have a floating. Yeah, you're right. They're like a second floor, you know. Attics, you know, they are not into, they're not into mid-century. No.

So Jeremiah is like, we're looking for a house with a lot of character. And she's like, yeah, colonial. Colonial's got character. And he's like, yeah, a modern colonial, though, because I'm a bigger guy and I like more space. Also, the modern space on the inside makes me feel less claustrophobic. Really? More space makes you feel less claustrophobic? That's fucking crazy, Jeremiah.

Kara, you better nail this one down. I know. What a revolutionary concept. Also, like, why are you going for a house style that's, like, famous for not having open concepts? So they're like, okay, our budget is for $100,000. And I want a three-bedroom, two-bath house. And then Linda's like, I want a three-bedroom, two-batham house. All right.

Also important to these two idiots is a dedicated space for their various hobbies. Wow. It just gets worse, doesn't it? So then we cut to her, Kara, trying on like a weird knitted tank top sweater type thing that has no sleeves. It looks terrible. I don't know if it's just not finished or what, but don't take pictures. You know what I mean? Yeah.

And then they show a knitted elephant toy thing that they've made. I mean, that's pretty cute. I respect the hobby of knitting. I don't know that I necessarily want to watch the girl from community. theater knitting with Jeremiah. I know. Because it turns out they actually knit together and that Jeremiah is actually

a better knitter than she is, which I found, I did actually find that to be very endearing. And then he's like, look at my mufflers. Look at it. Does it fit? Do my mufflers fit? And he like puts this like knitted contraption. It's like some sort of half-finished ring on her head. She's like, stop it, Jeremiah.

So it's very important for her that there's room for crafting and a sewing machine. Yes. And Oh, don't forget. And also he needs an outdoor spot so he can make his wine. Jeremiah takes on these huge projects. And then they show them making wine, but they're using grocery store grapes.

Like very obviously grocery store grapes. And he's smushing it through what looks like a child's playhouse. Yeah, it's like this weird, like it looks like an elevated sandbox or something. And they're like putting the grapes in it. And then he starts like pawing at the grapes really aggressively to get them to go through like the slots. He's like, ha, ha, get the grace before the ghost do. It doesn't. He's like, when I was growing up, my parent had a big piano, so I stripped it down,

and then I sanded it all, and I refinished it. And it turned out to be really beautiful, right? And he keeps looking at her, and she's like, uh-huh, uh-huh. I can't wait until we get to that part. I know. Yeah, but you know what? We don't get to play it because we don't have room for it. So we want to have space for piano.

So right now, for those keeping tabs, we need to have space for a sewing machine, for crafting, for knitting. There needs to be space for something, like a coffin-shaped pine wood thing in the back that's going to make some sort of shitty wine. And there has to be room for some sort of renovated piano in this house so far. Yeah. All for $400,000. Just so far. So Kara's like, yeah, you know, I would also, oh, Jeremiah, I want a big kitchen with a lot of countertrop space. also a lot of windows and not a lot of trees because I'd like the sun.

Okay. So your list continues to go on. And by the way, neither of you seem to have. I mean, like, she works at a special needs school. And he's a chemical engineer, it says, but I don't feel like we see any indication that he's really employed. So then. I've just never heard anybody say, you know what I want? Windows, but no trees.

I want to look out. I want to look out on a wasteland. So then he's like, yeah, look, they're still looking at more houses. Yeah, that yard, that yard's nice and big. That would be really good for the dog right there, that yard. I am convinced the producers had him say yard as many times as possible in this episode. Pachy Khan, Harvard Yad. Check at that yard. That yard is really nice and big over there. I'll really like that backyard over there. She's like, yeah, I would like a large backyard that's fenced in for Calypso. I always wanted built-ins for, you know, knick-knacks, or as my mom would call him, the Chachkas. That's. That's Yiddish. Oh, really?

Hadn't heard that term before, Chachkis. No, Chachkas. I know. She kept saying Chachkas, but I feel like, I feel like I don't know the proper way. I was going to ask you. I think normally would be say Chachky, not Chachka. Chachka definitely sounds more Yiddish. It's a Yiddish word.

Right. I need help. I need guidance. I just like that- I've been saying it problematically all these years. I just like the fact that she is, um, she feels like she's introducing the concept of Chachis or Chachkes. to the American public. As we say in the Yiddish culture, things you put on shelves.

And of course, when I say that's what my grandma called, I said, the person who played my grandmother and fiddler of the roof. So Jeremiah's like, yeah, you know what? I think that knickknacks look like clutter. It's all junk. I'm like, sir, you have a box on your front yard to make shitty, shitty Westboro wine. Do you have a pair of shorts that aren't like stained down to the knee cargoes just while we're on it? Okay, so also when they're talking about the chachkas, we see these shelves and they're just full of porcelain bunnies. I mean, you know, he does have a point.

He does. So the narrator, Linda, is like, rounding out there wantless is a bathtub for her and an unusual wish for him. Like, my number one deal breaker? Oh, I don't want ghosts. We have a friend, and she told us that if you stand by the bathroom at a certain time of day, you can hear a dinner party downstairs. I don't want that kind of anxiety in my life. I don't need ghosts, and I don't need a lot of trees because that's what ghosts hide. It's a deal breaker.

What? God forbid. God forbid your friend has, like, sophisticated, lovely ghosts who are holding regular dinner parties. Like that's like the dream ghost to have. No kidding. Just always having like intelligent conversation at a certain time of day. As a time of day, like they're like people are coming over with ghost pot. Like it's a ghost pot like they're going to go with ghosts salads and ghosts chickens and all that stuff.

Yeah. And you only hear the ghost at a certain place in the bathroom. They're like the most, you know, amenable ghosts of all time. Like, you know what? I don't want to bother anybody. Let's just hang out until they go to the bathroom. Just be quiet. Okay.

All right, everyone. They're in the bathroom. It's time for a five-minute dinner party. Is everyone ready? Okay, come on over. Shirley made some... She made a kish. Kish for dinner.

They just flushed. Hide behind the trees. Hide behind the trees. Everyone back in the trees. Whose Bali salad is this? Can you please bring it back up to the trees? Thank you. I also love that he thinks ghosts live in trees,

probably because she's been in into the woods. And that is where the ghost lives. That's where Cinderella's Ghost Mother Lids. Also, like, Kara is lucky that her fiancee has this ghost thing because her request gets totally sort of like skimmed over when it's like, she wants to have a spa-style bathroom in her master suite. Excuse me, ma'am.

Well, what? You guys can only have so many requests. They have asked for a lot of things so far, and this feels very extravagant. She is lucky that Jeremiah's ghosting fully overshadows the spa, the spas. spot request. Well, luckily, I'm checking them out and they're grooming and I'm guessing they have a different definition of what spa means. So I'm okay with that one. She probably just means running water. Well, they show a picture of like a very fancy kind of like jacuzzi style bathtub. And I was like, no, this is, I'm sorry. No, this is that. That's it. You guys have asked for

too much. So, so they, they go to house number one, which is built in 1977. And it's, It's like, I'm telling you right now, this is a haunted house. I don't have like you just like, I haven't seen the conjuring, but I've seen the trailer, and I'm pretty sure it took place in this, in this house. This is definitely a conjuring house. So the realtor is rich. And rich loves. As in Richard, he's not wealthy.

What do you say? I said as in Richard, not like he's wealthy. Yeah. Yeah, that's a given. So he's like this, this year is a federal style. By the way, I cannot do this accent. To anybody is like, wow, what a butcher. He's the butcher of accents.

You're correct. I'm terrible. But I'm having fun. So fuck off. Yeah. So he's like, yeah, this is a federal style colonial. That's, don't you love that?

Like, great news. We moved into a federal, federal style colonial. He's like, so German, it's like, well, I do love all the windows. Literally nothing about that sounds enchanting. I know. Can we just say, can we like judge that up a little bit? Federal style colonial? I don't want federal.

I know what. they mean, but it makes me feel like it's like the IRS. So German, I'm like, well, I do love all the windows. And even though we're in the forest here, there's a, you know, there's a little buffer zone between the ghosts and the house. I was like, there's no buffer zone. All the ghosts are in the house. They're there right now. Ghost don't sleep outside.

There's like no one, there's no like haunted backyard. The ghosts are in the house. Haunted house. It's like literally. It's like literally. It's like, little. It's like, ghosts. They literally won't.

They go through walls. They move their walls, bro. So Rich tells us, yeah, so Drew and Maya has a little bit of an obsession with ghosts and there's nothing I can really do about it. It is what it is. So, yeah, it's ghosts, you know. These people make me crazy. He's like, okay, guys, so we're in a little bit right around the budget of your house. Okay, it's right at $400,000. And Kerry goes, oh my God, that's so expensive. Well, then don't make it your budget. Your budget is $400,000. What do you? It's $400,000.

So I know, and I had the same thought. I can't stand when people make a budget. Then something's in their budget. And they go, that's so expensive. So she goes, well, hopefully it has everything in our wish list. I was like, you want a spa bathroom and you want room for a piano and a crafting room. And like literally some sort of like dance floor and like a home theater or something all for $400,000. I guarantee it will not have anything you want.

You're dragging Jeremiah along with you like a tote bag. like let's stop pretending that you have taste. Yeah. Okay. So they go into this room. It's like kind of, you know, where it's painted up to the half like Wayne's Cunning, but it's not Wayne's Codding, but I don't know what that style is called. But they're weird kind of green on half walls.

Like a light mint green almost on the top. Yes. Like minty green. Oh no, on the bottom. Sorry, on the bottom. Yeah. And then wood floor is in a little living room and she's like, oh, wow. I can see the piano in here.

Literally any empty room. Just you can say that. about. This is a piano-ish room? It's right by the front door. Like, where are people going to sit? I can't see the piano in there. And then they walk into the kitchen. And Rich is like, now come, let's look at the beautifully updated kitchen, which is actually, looks rather dated. I mean, it has, all the windows have like red and white picnic table, like picnic tablecloth valances, valance, valence, whatever you call those. Valences. Valences all over them. It looks so, it looks so not up to date. And they're like, wow, this this is wicked awesome in here um and charred's like yeah you know like this it could have a piano

and like a centralized living space which i don't know why that made me laugh and um he's saying he loves the high ceiling space which um this this is not a high ceiling space like jr he just feels the same things that he's heard on house hunters before but none of them make any sense it's not a high ceiling and by the way they're completely unfazed with the hideous and garish color scheme of this house. Oh my God. Like, like, I feel like we almost over, we almost breathed by it. Yes.

There is like this green, like half paint job that goes and there's brown accents. And it looks disgusting. And they are completely like, normally on house hunters, they go, wow, we'll have to paint this. And they are completely down with it. They're like, oh, yeah, cool. I know the ceiling, like, you can hit your head on the ceilings. And they're like, oh my God, what high ceilings. Wow, what a gorgeous updated.

It's like leaking. I don't know what they're talking about in this episode. So the kitchen, when he says it's a beautiful, updated kitchen, we see a close-up of all the stuff in the kitchen. It's a faux granite countertop. And it's like Joe Gorga style on Jersey when they put in fake countertops made out of like foam or something, but painted them to look like granite or marble in that case.

But they look fake. And then they're grain black, the granite. And then we go up to the backslash, which is like light blue, gray and brown and white it doesn't make any sense yeah it's so ugly i just felt i felt bad for everybody involved i know and jeremiah doesn't like it actually he says you know there isn't a lot of countertop and it's a very big kitchen with a very little usable space um i'm like i'm like yeah he may be right on that one so then they go see another kitchen that's exactly like this

one and they're like as far as layout he loves that he's like oh my god there's so much count So there's a sunroom and the sunroom is cute. And German is like, wow, look at all these windows. We could look at all the ghost houses out there. And then it leads out to this really cute patio out back like flags. I think it's like a flagstone patio, right? And it's this really nice, sweet outdoor area. And he's like, yeah, it's a little bit more cluttered than I'd like.

You know, we could do wine, but there's like no place to put, you know, like to stalk. equipment after the fact. I'm like, do you must you, just, your wine is probably very shitty. At this point, I would just like give up the wine dream.

Yeah, your store-bought grape wine is not good. Don't sacrifice, like a decent option for yourself just because you want to have your shitty six-month hobby space for it. You know, you want to have space for your wine box. Well, and also just add something else to your list,

which is a storage set outside for your fucking wine equipment. Or add this to your list. a loyalty card for beverages and more. Yeah, Bevmo, baby. Please, they just got a Bevmo. So Kara's like, wow, this is really pretty out here? He's like, yeah, during the day, but in night, the ghosts come out. Wait, what about your friend who in the afternoon goes to her bathroom and there's a dinner party?

Those ghosts don't care about, they have dinner parties at 2 p.m. They're already in the house. You already been among them. Do they live in the trees, or are they having a dinner party? What are the ghosts doing? So she's like, oh, my God, Jeremiah, and there are no ghosts that are coming out. You know, I don't know why he thinks that ghosts live in trees, but I actually really love the trees in this yard. And I think Jeremiah is just going to have to get a voodoo doll or something to protect against the ghost.

Because, like, whatever it takes it put his mind at ease. Also, that's not what voodoo dolls do. This couple. I'm like literally worried for this couple. Sage, seance, do what? Yeah. Or, so, um, they, this episode. Episode's also really weird with the, okay, anyway, glad we got a lot of ghost jokes in.

Then they see a half bathroom, then a bedroom. Then they head upstairs. Like, okay, so you're not going to show the baths or the bed. Did you notice that? In every house, Linda's like. And then they saw a huge patio, a five-car garage, a three-story building, a basement and a swimming pool. And then they went to the master bedroom.

Let's check in with them. That's the way, house hunters used to be that way. They used to always sort of like narrowed over the rooms they didn't want to focus on. So the master bedroom is small and Kara's like, oh my God, these ceilings very dated. Like, have you seen the rest of the house? All of a sudden, the ceiling is the thing that's going to jump out of you when you have like mint green half walls downstairs. Right. And then the master bath is very tiny, is really ugly.

It's got a shower. You know, I mean a shower curtain. I'm not a shower curtain shaming anybody. but they're like the master bath. And it's like a half tucked in shower curtains when you hear a drip. And Kara's like, oh, I was really hoping for that spa.

Gosh. We're already at the top of our budget. I don't know how we're going to build a spa in here. What part about the window fan in the window says that there's going to be a spa around the corner? Did you see that? The master bedroom had a window fan.

Like, it doesn't even have AC. It just had like one of those fans that's like a, rectangle like half of it's like opaque and the other half it's like a fan oh i had one of those yeah i had one of those in my place in l.a because i didn't have air there and um if i put air conditioning in the room it would short out the electricity so all i could get was like a little fan for in there and i would turn it on and then i would hear knock knock ronnie this is lucy your landlady um you cannot have fans in the window that's a rule of the building and you'll need to take that out or i will

need to speak with the owners. I hope you escalated that up to management because that's ridiculous. Isn't that ridiculous? Don't you remember? I think I told you about this. This is a long time ago. I'm remembering it now. I'm still pissed.

Like I've just been filled with fear. It was like 100 degrees outside. It was like during the heat wave and I can't turn on the fan. And I said, why not? The noise really bothers the neighbors. My God. This is a noise. On Fairfax Avenue.

It was like the weakest fan ever that I bought it. Like, I saw like in a pile of Ross dress for, like, it was like the most powerless fan of all times. It's like, it makes noise. Well, at least you could relax in your giant spa bathtub. I was in the next room over. The fact that Kara is sitting here really, truly expecting a spa bathroom up in the onsuit in this house, this 1977 house, is hilarious to me. So Rich is like, well, you know what? Maybe it's going to be a compromise that you make.

I'd love that Rich hates these people. And he works with them on nothing. He's like, yeah, here's a kitchen. It's gorgeous. Don't like it. Take a hide, buddy. So Jeremiah's like, well, you know what? It was on the edge of innovation back in the 1970s, but it's no longer up to pa.

You know that he probably originally said it's not cutting it anymore. It's like, you know what? Could you say it's no longer up to par? It's the longer up to pa. Could you say you don't want this in your yard? It's no longer up to pie me yard. Can you now say pass the Parmesan? Pass the Parmesan.

Hey, is there a bus around here? We're going to have to take the car. Next, they take a look at three additional bedrooms and a full bath. How big is this goddamn house? I've been narrating for 25 minutes. He's like, you know, then we see a clip of him going, I think I like the inside more than the outside. I don't get that yard.

I just don't get it. I want that yard I was looking for. Kara's like, well, I love the character and, you know, and like, I just, I loved the sunroom so much. And he's like, yeah, well, the kitchen, though, big space, not a lot of area to work, though, not a lot of area. Like, can I put a piano in the kitchen? I don't think so. That's going to be a problem. You know what we could do here, though?

We could open up the walls. No, you can't just open up the walls, sir. You can't go into an old house like that and just knock out all the walls of a colonial. You can't. No, guess what's in the walls. Guess what's in the walls? Ghosts. Ghosts.

Fucking ghosts. Yeah. I mean, have like, hello. Like, it's not like the, like, what bleeds in Amityville horror, the walls. She probably was raising that. It's a ghost bear and wow. I guess we can't remove it. Yeah.

So now Rich is taking them, Rich, L.O.L. is taking them to a house below their budget. But there's a catch. And then we cut to Kara going, she's playing the Cassio keyboard. She's like, she's like, now's my chance to get cast on Broadway. I have a platform.

And Jeremiah goes, very nice. Very nice. Yeah. It keeps the ghosts away. Mulely engaged couple, Karen Jeremiah. I want a house with character, but there's ghosts in the buildings. So far, they've seen a federal-style colonial that had a sunroom that's perfect for their crafting,

and it had a small yard that would actually be considered large for most people, but not for these two idiots, and it was at the top of their budget. So now they're looking at a lower-priced colonial, built in 1860. They are going into a house that's built in 1860, and they're trying not to have ghosts. This is ludicrous. Yeah. Yeah, so Jeremy's, Jeremiah is like, so you know what? You know what?

This is nuts because I have no ghosts on my list. And then boom, a cemetery. Come on. Out there at house adjacent to a cemetery. An old-timey Salem witch trial sent cemetery. Yeah, seriously. The headstones are like an inch thick. It looks like a set of a cemetery.

And then Kerry goes, I wouldn't prefer the view out of my window to be a cemetery, especially an old one. It's like, oh, okay, so only newly dead people for you? What the hell? Also, like, if there are ghosts, look what they have to look at, okay? Don't be agist with your ghosts. And yeah, you're subjecting to these poor people

who are trying to live in peace to your fucking husband with his grocery store wine runoff in the yard. I know. And you're out of tune old-timey piano that you're singing mystery scales on. Oh! So they walk in and Jeremiah goes, This is a beautiful house.

Definitely ghosts though. There's definitely ghosts. You know, I love all the hardwood floors. And I love all the windows. And the lighting is great. But it's a bit compartmentalized. I mean, the ceilings are really high and doorways seem really large. And it just seems like something that can be worked on.

Okay. If you say you want an open concept, I get that. But I do think it's funny when he's like, I'm a bigger guy. It doesn't mean you need to be in like the atrium of the U.S. capital. Okay. Is your head hitting the ceiling? No, you're okay. And also, he wants a colonial, but he's upset that it's compartmentalized.

It's not an open floor plan. It's different rooms. If you want an open floor plan, you want an open floor plan. This is insane. Why are you looking at your realtor? Rich is taking into the homes from the 18th. This home was built before the Civil War. Abraham Lincoln was an office when this home was built.

And then you're like, oh, it feels a little small. I'm like, yeah, because. It was a different time. Wait, don't you taste the lead? Weirdo. So do they have lead back then? They did, right? Probably.

Where does lead come from? I don't even know. It's an element. Also, the other house was way smaller. Like, the rooms were really small. And he's like, this is compartmentalism. I'm like, this is like a mall compared to the other house. So they go to the dining room.

And Rich is like, you got an original China cabinet here. Jeremiah, you know what we're going here? And he's like, Your junk, Kara. My chachkas! And by the way, this room is another, by the way, every house they look at is like a two-tone house. So this room has brick red on the lower part of the Wayne Scotting. And then the top part, I think the top part is just white on top.

But it's like this really hideous color scheme. And again, they don't even flinch. They don't even flinch at this disgusting paint job. Yeah. So Jeremiah is like, oh, look at this. This could be a bad room. goes, or a crafting room. It's like, yeah, this could be a crafting room.

What other things have furniture in them? This could be a nursery. This could be a buffet. Or a crafting room. This is also, by the way, where, like, herr's inner, like, obsession with a crafting room starts to really come out. Because the first time, she's like, oh, we can have a crafting room. And now she's like, or a crafting room.

And by the end of the episode, she's like, give me a fucking crafting room. Yeah, it's clean. He's like, yeah, that could be the crafting room. And she's like, yeah, my sewing machine would look really nice in here. Really, could you use it to sew this man some clothing? I mean, without both of you, actually. So Rich is like, or you could open a wall and have a piano room. Rich, stop telling them they can open walls, dude.

Why are they opening a wall for the piano? Okay. So then Germant goes, yeah, the piano could block us from the ghost. I'm like, you can't make up these rules as he go along because I feel like that's what's happening here. The piano, if anything, is, okay, we have established that you have fancy ghosts. If you start playing the piano, the ghosts are going to gather around, and they're probably singing ghost Christmas carols, and you just can't hear them. I don't know, the ghosts are going to be like, guys, we are done doing our Dorothy Parker's vicious circle. Let's go into the piano room.

I hear some piano tinkling. Yeah. They're going to be singing old-timey, you know, songs like, you got accent, duet the positive, e, limb, innate the negative. Oh, my God. They're the ghosts again. They're so scary. Singing songs from 1935. So he's like, looking at those trees, I see two things.

Ghosts and trees, trees in the fall, leaves. So the second floor, it's like a little attic entrance. So it's really short. He can't fit through there, you know? No. And then they've got a kitchen upstairs. So obviously, you know, most people would be like, oh, my God, your mom can come live with us. Or we could rent that part out.

or whatever, but they're like, a kitchen upstairs, huh? Oh my God, I knew it all along. The ghosts have been cooking. So Kara's like, you know, we could turn this into a master suite with a spa bathroom. I'm like, you guys were, this is at 380 and 400 was too expensive, even though it's in your budget. But now you want to renovate out a kitchen and put in a spa bathroom. This is not makes sense. So he got water, though.

And so they go look at the other kitchen. the downstairs kitchen, I think. No, they go into another room that's adjacent to the kitchen upstairs. And Jeremiah goes, well, this room's completely useless. And she's like, no, it's not, because you know what would look completely lovely here?

My sewing machine. I'm like, Carrie, you already called another room for your crafting room. What's going on with you? It's also close enough to use the sewing machine in the spa bath. Here's what I want to do. I want to craft in one room. Okay, I'm going to sit in the spa bath

in the kitchen. And with one arm, I'm going to craft in one room. And with one arm, I'm going to sew in the other room. So, Kara says the most sensible thing that I think has been said so far. She's like, the good news is it's under budget. But there's lots of things to consider. The price is great, but there's also graves. Lots of lots of graves.

You stand on the ghost debate. No one wants to live across the tree from a lot of graves. There's a lot of graves. Honestly, I don't even remember a lot of the kitchen. The proper kitchen. I wrote down that there's a lot of counter space and a ton of cabinets, but I don't even remember what the kitchen looks like. You walk in and it's a big square that looks like it's big enough for an island or something in the middle, but there is no island in the middle. I do remember.

And then it's got a refrigerator taking up half the counter space and a sink taking up the counter space. And then they've got all this big empty space with no counter space. It's just like the other one. It's just different. what do you call it? Tiles and all that stuff. What do you call it? Finishes maybe?

Yeah, I guess. Aesthetics. So now we are seeing them, Kara and Jeremiah are knitting again. And Kara's like, I think you should start a whole men's fashion line of knitwear. And Linda's like, that would be crazy. Men wearing sweaters?

What a bonkers idea. So Linda's like, Engage, Keppel, Jeremiah and Kara are looking for home with character and apparently a bathtub and a sewing room and also a wine room and also a crafting room and also a piano room and also plays for no goes in westboro massachusetts also for four hundred thousand dollars they've already seen a new newer federal colonial with room for their budget and an older toothpaste colonial uh that was next to an old people cemetery now hopefully they can find something with fresher dead people for kara so they go up to house number three

and Kara loses her mind. Like, Kara has unraveling over the course this episode because now there's jokes. She goes, I absolutely love the purple shatters. It's like, okay, Kara. We need to get her a tranquilizer. And Jeremiah's like, of course you love the shatters.

So they go in, and this one is an antique colonial with three bedrooms and two baths. As opposed to the others, I feel like colonial just already implies antiquiness. But, yeah, I don't even. I think colonial is just to give it. at this point. I know. So this one was built in 1805. So the United States of America was only about like 25 or 30 years old at this point. So this is an old house. I'm surprised it's even still standing.

Yeah, I've watched a lot of those shows that take place during that time. And I just, I've never watch those shows and thought, oh my God, I want to move in there. I feel like I understand if people don't love like a modern like box house with all sorts of glossy, you know, finishes and big windows. But I also, I feel like a house from 1805, at the very least, I'm going to be getting splinters. Yes. Yes, at the very least. Your ghosts are getting splinters. Your old ass people, those are getting splinters. They are. So Jeremiah is like, you know what's, what's, you know what's in 200-year-old houses? Ghosts. Oh, my God, ghosts. Sakari goes. You know what? I think I've heard enough about ghosts. I've had enough with ghosts. We'll deal with the ghosts. Maybe they're friendly. Who knows? I'm like, well, they probably will start off friendly. And then they can be like, who are these idiots that moved into our domain? We have to haunt them the hell out of. It's literally going to be Beetlejuice. They are going to Beatlejuice Kara and Jeremiah out of the house.

It's the first ghost that any neighbors have seen running down the street after somebody sings vocal warmups. Like, wow. They're like, we were going to do the Deo thing, but we realized actually Kara Deoed us. instead. So we see this very green room. This is another kind of green. Now, this has a stone kind of column in it. It's like a fireplace, but no fireplace, right? And then they have a pole column, and then they've got bad carpeting, and then they've got a wood-burning stove. And this is all in a built-on sunroom. So what was funny to me is they walk in, and you see this like stove, this very old-timey stove. And this is the sort of thing that people love these things.

So it's like, you know, from the past, et cetera. So they walk in and you see the stove and Kara just gasped. She goes, and then she goes, built-ins. She goes right past the stove and looks at some shelves. Yeah. But you junk. So then Jeremiah's like, whoa, look at there's a door here. We're this door.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Where does this door go, Rich? Like, oh, God. You're very, very subtle, Jeremiah. Okay. Open the door and it's a basement. We get some wacky Jeremiah music. And he's like, no, no, no.

There's definitely ghost down here. All right? I'm not going down there. Meanwhile, this living room, it has red walls and mint walls. So the house one had mint walls, half walls. House two had red half walls. And this one has red and mint walls in it. And again, does not phase them whatsoever.

They have no issues. Yep. And so Jeremiah refuses. to go to the basement, but he can see the piano right up against the staircase, which really doesn't make any sense. Like Jeremiah just says things. So Rich is like, and surprise, a view of the lake. Yeah.

And they didn't even realize there was a lake in this town, which is also funny. Like, what? There's a lake here. So then Jeremiah goes, I never thought we'd get a what of you out in Western Massachusetts. I'm like, you're 30 miles west of Boston. He said so in the beginning. This is not Western Massachusetts. Do you even understand directions?

No. So now they go, there's a big kitchen, and he's like, but there's not a ton of counter space in here. And they'll lend the tile. And she's like looks like a child's art project. You both look like child's art, children's art projects. Yeah, leave whoever painted flowers on the tile alone. It's the most artistic thing about this couple. Stop acting like you are ready for the most chic back splash when you have an even muttered a word about the paint job in any of these houses.

Yeah. So there's a sunroom, and so of course, Kara loses her mind because it could be another great crafting room. And then there's like, they're walking down the hallway, and the hallway is narrow. So Jeremiah's like, oh, I don't know. This is pretty small in here. This is pretty small. I'm like, you're not, you're not like bouncing from wall to wall. Just walk straight. You won't hit the walls. Well, and this is one of those attic ceiling things. Well, then they go up to the attic. They go up to an attic. And it's like, you know, the first thing I noticed was a slope ceiling. That makes me nervous because in college, I had a slope ceiling on my head and knuckled. My knuckles never forgave me. Wait a minute. You went to college? I know. No, I'm sorry.

I meant I was working on a collage once in a room with vaulted ceilings. Here's an idea. I did not see that coming. Don't walk. Don't put your bed under the shelf. part of the ceiling. It's pretty easy. So there's a washing machine upstairs in the bedrooms. They're like, what? Why would you do that? That's actually the best thing to have your washing machine right by your, you know, your bedroom. Uh-huh. It's, I have that and it is amazing. I mean, you run the risk. The risk is

that if something goes wrong, you know, everything below the wash machine is fucked, but it's so nice. That's true. It's so nice. But then, of course, they're in the master bedroom, bathroom. What could go wrong in a house built in 1807? And so they go into the bathroom of the onsuit, and Kara goes, this isn't exactly the spa retreat I wanted. Oh, that's a shame because I always felt like one of the signature aspects of a home built in 1805

was the spa retreat that comes with it. what they always did in the antique federal colonial moderns. Spa Day. What a shame that this is the one antique colonial that doesn't come with the spa retreat. Okay, so now they're talking it over. And it just shows a shot of the graveyard. So then they're talking it over. And Jeremiah's like, you know what?

Okay, are we going to pick the federal colonial, the 101, one Dalmatians colonial or the Banks Colonial. Which one do you like the best? Linda's like, all the houses had space for a crafting room. So the choice really comes down to the house of the largest fence yard, whether it has built-ins and whether rooms are spacious enough for Jeremiah. I'm not even going to mention the ghosts. That's beneath me at this point.

Also, since they all have room for crafting houses, crafting rooms, why do we even include that in the episode? Just some notes for my producer. So they start talking these houses over. And as we see pictures of all the houses right next to each other and all the options, I think this is the first time in history had just chosen fire. Just. You know, I, well, it was funny because House one, Jeremiah doesn't like because he said,

no, three calls that property was buried into the side of a mountain. I'm like, it was a hillside with some trees on it. My favorite was actually the third one because I'm like, as long as you're going to get a small, they're basically all three of the same. houses and at least the third one has a little bit more character to it it feels cuter and what was your choice you just wanted fire you said no choice burn it all they were all i mean they all just looked like a nightmare the third one was i think they had three built-ons to the house that were all the room that they kept saying oh my god there's so much sun yeah because it's like a screened-in porch you

know it's going to be freezing in the winter i don't know i just i was i was a no for everything Well, this is how they go into their final choice. This is how they talk about house number three. He's like, you know, there wasn't a lot of functional space in the kitchen. And out of the three houses is the one that's the most haunted. And, you know, there's a lot of trees, which we don't like. And we're going to have to find him like, yeah, we're going to have to find a way to combat the ghost in that house the most. Yeah, let's take it.

I mean, what the hell? Okay, so which one did they take to you? house number three they take house number three did i even write it down let me see if i even wrote down i don't think i even wrote what you're just like i can't deal with these people anymore yeah they chose that house that's how grossed out i was by the end and she's like yeah we did 372 for the house which is overclosing because it was 370 but we wanted to finance the closing cost and i'm going to redo that bathroom to my house spa so now we go so now the episode continues because now jeremiah is playing the piano the piano is now place against the staircase as in his vision and he's played the piano and we just hear a car going

at the pool or at the playground what was this song i don't know i feel like they're trolling me this whole episode she's like you better ho ha ha ha ha in our face what are you even so then he's like you know and then uh we love the backyard here we got a we got a song porch and then uh he's like we can We can hang out with our family into backyard. And then we cut to their family and they're always like, Ah, yads. Hey, yeah. No ma.

And then he says, you know, out of all the houses we looked at, without a doubt, this is the only house that is actually haunted. But we have some protection because we talk to the neighbors. So we're going to be able to build a united front against the ghosts. The neighbors are like, who the fuck just moved into our neighborhood? So, Kara's like, it's exciting to know this is the house we'll be. And when we get married and when we start our lives together, we look forward to it.

I was like, good ridden to you two. My goodness. Wow. Well, pretty cute though. You know what I will say after an hour of dragging these poor people who've done nothing to me? It is cute that like they're just so in love, right? They are.

I just want to run them both off the road. But they found each other. I think it was really cute that they, that they knit together. I thought that was very sweet. And he does support her a little hot. Like she's singing, like doing this warbling. She sounds like the sister in dirty dancing.

And she's up there. She's up there singing that he's like playing the piano for her and just supporting her. I thought there was something actually very sweet about the two of them. I think their choices are terrible though. Yeah. Well, thank. Yeah. You know, not everybody can be born with the same taste or we'd all be fighting over a house.

That's right. Well, thank you everyone for listening. This is super fun. We'll be back in two weeks with another House Hunters or House Hunters International episode. We appreciate you. And we will catch you on the next episode. Bye, everyone.