Watch What Crappens - Dwell Hello #321: Cats First, Wife Second in NJ

Episode Date: October 26, 2023

A couple in New Jersey who may or may not love each other attempt to find a humble home within their budget, but he wants cat tubes, and she wants sanity.  Check out House Hunters Volume 7 Season 162, Episode 3:  “Cats First, Wife Second in NJ” on Max or YouTube TV and then listen here!Find bonus episodes at patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens and follow us on Instagram @watchwhatcrappens @ronniekaram @benmandelker Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Well, hello, and welcome to Dwell Hello, our House Hunters podcast. I'm Ben. That's Ronnie. Hi, Ronnie. How you doing? Well, hello, Ben. How's it going, babes? It's going great. You're ready to talk some house hunters today? I sure am, Ben. Love me some house hunters. Let's talk some house hunters. So today, we're going to recap house hunters. Regular house hunters, not international. House hunters. Available on Max, you can find this episode on Max, or it's actually on YouTube TV as well, Volume 7, Season 162,

Episode 3. The name of the episode, most importantly, is Cats First, Wife, Second in New Jersey. That is the name. That's a very promising and exciting name for an episode. Cats First, wife, second in New Jersey. Yeah, you know this guy's going to be trouble. Cats First, bye. Why would you marry somebody that's Cats First First? Because I've feel like people aren't secretive when they're cats first, you know? They're not, it's not a secret that they like their cat more than you. They will tell you straight up front. My cats are more important than me to you.

So don't fuck with my cats. Like, that's how cat people are. What if it's just Andrew Lloyd Weber trying to find a place in Trenton, you know, cats first, wife second, in New Jersey. So, so. Yeah, that's the kind of episode. We got some people in New Jersey, and one of them has, the husband has a priority for cats. So it's a disaster.

Yes. It's a full disaster. So we see little clips of what's coming, and the lady's, the wife, who's not as important as a cat, is like, wow, this is actually pretty nice. You can actually walk to the beach here. That's incredible. Wow. And it's over a hill. And it reminds me of that show, Silo, where you just see this hill.

and people aren't allowed to go outside, but sometimes they do, they rebel, and you just see them walk up this hill and then they die at the very top. And that's what this hill represents to me. Like you just can't, don't do it. Don't do it! Why aren't they allowed to go out of the silo?

They don't know. They just know that they'll die. So that's kind of the whole thing of the show you're trying to figure out, they're trying to figure out, what is this? Why are we all living in the silo? And why can't we go outside?

And who came before us? All history has been erased. in the great erasure or whatever it's called. And so nobody has any history. They have no idea what they're doing. They'll find like a battery on the ground from the old days and be like, oh, my God, it's a remnant. And it's like they don't know what it is.

And everything's very important. You know, it'll be like an important piece of evidence is a Pez dispenser. They don't know what it is. It's great. But then they get to the top of the hill. At the top of the hill is where death happens. And do they get like shot or they just die?

They just die. You don't know what's really happening to them. You just know that they can't. make it over the hill ever. But I see this hill on this show and I'm like, oh my God, don't do it. And then the people in silo are like, you know what? I really wish we'd been closer to town because we could have made it over that hill. You know what? It's, you know, I don't mind being in a silo, but what I mind is the carpeting. I just wanted hardwood floors in the silo. Can we knock out some walls in the silo? I'm like more of an open concept silo. These appliances are old.

I want an updated kitchen in this silo. Can we get a double vanity in the silo? Is that possible? Because it's really hard to both be at the sink at the same time. So you're telling me this is a 12,000 bedroom, one bathroom silo? Does that happen? Is there an onsuit? Hey, does anyone walk out of the silo but then come back in?

Or is it just like once you get to the top of the hill you get killed? I'm not going to tell you because it's a mystery show. Okay, fine. I'm intrigued now. It's a lot. It's like a silo. It's a mystery. You're like, will they make it past that hill or they die in a cat tube?

We don't know yet. Okay, we have to watch it. So the narrator Linda says, first time silo escapees and homebuyers, Mac and Dane, are looking for a home near the Jersey Shore, but her desire of her projects is causing some friction with her idiot husband. And then I was watching this with captions on because that's how I roll. And the captions say, in parentheses, whimsical hip-hop plays.

Right. And meanwhile, this is the best kind. It's not hip-hop. And it's not whimsical hip-hop. Is that like Buster Rhymes, laying down some tracks with a Glock and Spiel or something? Like, what is whimsical hip-hop? I don't even know what whimsical music is in general, maybe. No.

What's whimsy? What is whimsy? What is whimsy when you're just trying to find a cheap-ass place on the Jersey Shore? I don't think it exists, okay? I think you've given up whimsy. You've given it up. This, I will tell you this much. Spoiler alert, this episode has not only has zero whimsy, it has reverse whimsy.

It has whatever the opposite of whimsy is, is this episode. It's as flimsy. This episode has flimsy. So she's like, we can, you know, change out the vanity, right? Because like she's obsessed with wanting to change everything. Because in a role reversal on this show, it is the wife who wants to just get down and dirty and remodel everything at all times. Yes. And, um, and then she's saying how like, you know what? He cares for his cats and himself. And like the wife is secondary. So then Linda says, and to make matters worse, if it's possible,

I mean, just look at this stock footage we're showing you. Dane's aversion to change might spell trouble for the couple's future. And she's like, listen, I just want to be able to fix things. You know what? Start with your hair. Because you look like you got scared, like half of your hair turned white, okay? And if that's the fashion, you know, start with your jacket. You could fix that.

I mean, or your purse. You could fix your purse. You are literally covered in projects, ma'am, okay? You literally married one. You married a project. So, like, why are you so concerned with the projects in your house when you have one in your relationship? You are both human projects.

Okay, just find something you can afford and work on yourselves. That's my suggestion. Yeah, I think that's a great idea. It's a great, great idea. So we open the show properly. We're at the Jersey Shore, which is funny because so much of what we normally see of the Jersey Shore, we either see the actual show Jersey Shore, you know, where it's like Ashbury Park or whatever, Asbury Park, I should say.

And you see roller coasters, you see beaches. or we see what we see on Real House House in New Jersey, where we see these vacation rentals and all these houses are like, you know, usually these sort of like nicer houses or McMansion type houses, just like beachy houses. But this is like the Jersey Shore. I guess this is the side of the Jersey Shore

we don't see on TV very much because this is a little houses with chain link fences all around the episode. Like, oh, this is the Jersey Shore. Yeah, this is definitely like a slums of Beverly Hills type of type of vibe that we've got going on here. But they do have

a French market, which I think used to be called fuck market. And they were like, no, you can't say that. Let's call it French. Pardon my. This used to be a Western Union, and we've turned it into the French market. It's on 114th, Rue de la Riviere. I was like,

oh, I love you for trying to create whimsy in this very depressing location. The suns of Jersey Shore are drying with the whimsy. So, Dan's like, hip hop we're going to get a fish mailbox and she's like you don't even fish and he goes yeah it's a statement piece you don't need to fish for a fish mailbox okay and you know what else we're going to have a cat tube that's what we're going to have see this is the thing this is why you give him the fish mailbox so that way you can win with the cat tube but if you if you throw down the fish mailbox

you're stuck with the cat tube although to be fair i'm in full support of a cat tube i would love a cat tube, just a little cat highway going around. When I had hamsters, when I was a kid, did you have hamsters? Yes. Oh, yes. Okay. So remember, like our hamsters, we always had, we took like a fish tank, we put like a mesh over it. Like we adapted into like a hamster cage. But there was like this whole series of plastic hamster cages, remember? And you could like buy multiples of them and you can attach them all together with tubes. And you could create like a little hamster city. And I always want to do that. Like I wanted my parents to just

convert my bedroom into a hamster city, which of course my parents didn't do because they are normal people. But like this is like the extension of like my hamster city concept as creating a cat tube. You know, I used to have hamsters and I'm still traumatized because

our hamsters had babies and the mother ate her babies. And I will never forget it because those babies were so, I wouldn't say cute. They were terrifying. But they were babies. And the mom just was like, fuck these babies and ate the babies. And then when we told my mom, mom, the hamster ate her babies.

And she said, kids are a fucking pain in the ass. The hamster was probably sick of giving up her life for those kids. And I don't think we ever forgot that. We still talk about it on holidays. Yeah. So cat tubes, huh? Oh, also cat tubes. Here's another thing about cat tubes.

Gross. Okay. And not because. Hamsters first. Babies last in New Jersey. Here's the thing. The cat tube, at first I was like, that's cute, right? Like a cat goes into a tube and then it crawls around.

I was picturing it like the thing at the bank that you put the money into and it swoops up in the drive-thru over to the teller. But it's not that. He actually wants it outside of the house. He wants it to go from inside of the house through a wall, into a wall, into a garage, for some goddamn reason. I don't know. Yeah. The logic of the plan does not make sense to me. How does it make any sense? So you want to buy a house, you don't want to remodel it, but you want to cut holes into it that are going to completely ruin the house, by the way. They're going to have leaks. He's not going to install this cat thing. Ventilation. My first thought was not ventilation,

was insulation. You're going to have a draft coming through the cat tube, by the way. And he specifically wants it in the garage, going into the garage, which means you're going to be getting your car fumes straight into your house, you fucking moron. Yeah, I didn't like his plan. I like the idea of a cat tube theoretically, but I don't like the, his plan made notes, I was like, why do you want to send the cat to the garage so the cat can go into your car and, like, rests in the engine and then get killed? And also, like, what happens when there's a mess in the cat tube?

I mean, cats are pretty good about peeing in private places, but what if that becomes the private place for the cat? I just feel like a lot of it's not really thought through. Yeah, it's really not And she should divorce this guy I think that she's really settled And you know He probably has to

Let's be honest But break up with him You know and also cats run away Because you know these cats are like Why the fuck do you think I'm going to want to go outside In the winter through a hole and stay in the garage That smells? Why? Why would I want to do that? Yeah

I agree So yeah This lady Mac She like she's resigned to a life of Dasd Dreams. It's like she had a plan at some point. She was going to go into the city, work at Vogue. And now here she is, you know, arguing over a fish mailbox and a cat tube with a guy named Dane who is not great in any sort of way. And she's like, she's, you know, she says, she's, she's like, I'm an interior designer for a commercial office furniture dealer.

So she's, she's, I think she wants to be creative. I think that's why she's so into, into projects because she's doing commercial office furniture interior design, which means she's like setting up cubicles and like waiting rooms. Exactly. Like how creative is that? It's like I need a project. Okay, here's what I want. A big white square

that we're going to put something that rolls in the middle of. Do we have any generic art that we can put on a wall for the waiting room and a plastic plant? Do we have? You know what? I don't know that I'm into cat tubes. What I am into is a cat holding onto a laundry rope, a drying rope saying, hang in there. And then Dane has the most ironic job.

He owns a junk removal company. I'm like, the irony of someone owning junk removal when he himself is a piece of junk who cannot be removed. He is a rusty can of a man. I will agree with you on that way. And his whole thing this episode is that he hates change. and yet his whole career is based off the idea of people clearing stuff out, changing their space. He literally goes through old couches looking for change.

I hate change, and yet it's my daily goal. So you figure that one out. So many layers in this episode already. So many cat tubes. So Max says, we've been married for three years, and we live in an apartment with three cats. Two black cats, one toadie. And I don't know if my despair counts as a cat,

but I think it is, and I'd like to shove it down a tube too, to be honest. So she's like, where'd you leave your coat, honey? And he goes, in the car. And so they, he calls his dad. And so wait, are they seeing? They go to his dad's house. So they have this sort of relationship

where as he's walking in the door, she goes, okay, hurry up. Even though they're like already there and walking in. Okay, hurry up. Where's your coat? It's in the car. Oh, idiot. So they go in and we see the most humorless father I've ever seen.

Listen, I'm not saying everybody has to be like hilarious and a clown, but a dad has to have dad jokes. This dad is the most stoic, bored-ass dad I've ever seen in my life. He goes, hey, boy, do you get in. I would be sad, too, if I were overlooked to be a cast member on mayor of East Town. This family looks like they should have had a scene in that show. This house, this family. I'm like, where is Kate Winslet walking in asking questions?

Yeah, every house in here looks like it could have been there. Everyone's like, I'm a fishmonger. I fix light bulbs. We all went to high school together. So the dad's like, when did you get in? And he's like, we're here for dinner. And he goes, oh, so you're actually going to stay for dinner? And Max says, you know what?

Dana's a very funny person. He's got like this dad joke humor, which his dad doesn't have, obviously. You know, Dean's got a real big heart. You know what, Mac? I really want to like you because I like projects too. But you're only one half of mac and cheese, and you can't have one without the other. So you're dead to me.

You've already died to me in this episode. She's just Mac. Mac the night. She's like the moon that would sing songs for McDonald's. Yeah, this humorless dad. But he was very much like, yeah, so what? Welcome. Welcome to the house.

Oh, you're going to actually stay for dinner this time? I was like, I'd love that because it actually gave a little. an insight into this family dynamic. You know, classic Dane, he comes over, he gets, he needs a power drill, he takes the power drill, he doesn't even stay for dinner. I'm his old man. I raised him, okay? This was, this was me. I did all the work.

And what does he do? He just takes the power drill and leaves. At least I got you, little Mac. Whatever name is. This kid comes in here. He says, hey, dad, oh God, I'm freezing. I left my jacket in the car. And then he leaves. That's it. So all this kid ever does.

And then there's like the nameless little brother in the corner. Did he get a name that brother? I was looking for it because there is a brother there and he's also humorless. It runs in the family. I think Dan was the only one who got some humor. And so I'd love also that the dad had a Swiffer behind him for this whole segment. I don't know why. I just thought that was so cute. So Mac is like, the apartment leases up soon so we've been looking online. Like I'm trying to talk Dana to move in because it's hard living in 700 square feet.

Like we've basically outgrown it. You outgrew it when you were, don't live in 500 square feet with a person who wants a cat tube and three cats. Oh, God. No wonder he wants a hole in the wall. He feels like he's living in the green mile. He's probably going to make the hole in the walls with a little spoon over the years. I also, I just, I did love, I mean, this really did feel like it was an HBO working class drama. Because I love when they walk in, Mac walks in, it's not even her kitchen, but she walks in, because,

does anyone want a cup of coffee? She starts making coffee in the kitchen. I was like, I was like, where's Melissa Leo? I feel like she should be here somewhere. She's also extremely annoyed with everybody in this house. Like, you know, she just yells at these guys all the time.

And Dan's like, well, listen, basically the things you've been showing me online are like these dilapidated things. And you're in your dad's house. Like, there's no room for him to put the Swiffer away. You know what I mean? Like, watch your fucking mouth, sir. The walls are plywood in your dad's house, okay?

There's literally a payless logo on the box that this house was built out of. You know what this episode needed? It needed a seat. Let's say the brother's name is Charlie. It needed a scene where Max has a day and we got to get out of our house. We got to get Charlie out of there. He's a good kid. He's got a future.

We're done. We're not going anywhere. But Charlie's going somewhere. We got to give him a bed. I only live for Charlie. So Max, oh, and by the way, just so anybody's, just in case anybody's like playing their Shazes to see what amazing urban music this is. It's suspenseful hip-hop.

Is it really? Yeah. You're not kidding. Suspensful hip-hop plays. Suspensful hip-hop? It's like when Missy Elliott thinks someone stole her car keys. Wow, we went from whimsical hip-hop to suspenseful hip-hop. By the way, and we can let everyone know, nothing about this was hip-hop.

Nothing at all. I really felt like Bruce Springsteen should have been playing. So they're looking... So what's your budget? Like $250? And I was like, oh my God. I'm moving. That's it. I'm moving. Every time we watch this show, I'm like, what? They're $5. I'm getting a tiny house with a chain-lainting fence at the Jersey Shore.

So Max's like, yeah, yeah, it is. You got to sweeten around here? What's going on? So Dan's like, well, you know what? The house has to at least be moving ready. I don't want to deal with a construction zone immediately. Not like your house. Dad, am I right? Am I right, Charlie? Hey, looking good, Charlie. How are you great? You're doing well? Okay, good. Hey, no taking, I don't want to take out any walls. No taking out appliances. It's too much. I don't like change. I don't like change. That's my character. And Max's like, but I need projects. You know, you've got to put your own marks on things. Like, it's important to me.

Every day, I go to work and it's a cubicle this, cubicle that. Sometimes I just want a pop of color. Is that so wrong? He's like, you're crazy, Mac. You're crazy. And he says, I need a garage because I got my own business and I need that space. And Max's like, you guys, did you already discuss the garage? Like, what are you going to all gang up on me about this garage? You all discussed this, huh? Huh?

What are you all discussed the garage? And the dad's like, garage? What are you going to get a garage? Are you going to eat dinner in there with anybody? It's a lucky garage. Cut. Later that night, Dane and Mac in bed, Maxing, this is the way it always is. It's not just me and you.

It's me against your family. You have conversations about the garages. Charlie's just trying to get into a good college. I'm going up hill of building cubicles and you're sitting there talking about garages behind my back. It needs to be you and me. Okay? It needs to be you and me, Dane. Not you and your father.

You know what? I don't want to discuss this anymore. I need some office space. Flippy pig. The cat just steps on her face. So. So, okay, cat stupid is. We need a tube.

So, so Mac is very upset that they've already discussed the garage behind her back. And Dane's like, I mean, if you're making me move out, of course I'm going to have a garage conversation. She goes, make you move out, make you move out. Like suddenly I'm the bad guy here.

And Dan's like, we got to get a garage. And she's like, we're getting a house. Not a detached garage. it comes with the house. A house. That's what we're getting. And she goes, this brilliant idea is to build a cat tube

from the house to the garage. And the brother's like, you can't tell me that wouldn't be exciting to look at your house every day and see a cat tube. No, it wouldn't be, okay?

It looks, I already see a spotty, dirty, stained thing. You can't get in to clean it. No, this family is hopeless. This is what you're doing to your brother, Dane. Okay, look at Charlie.

He's got greats. He could go to Rutgers. And look what are you doing. You're filling in with fantasies and cat tubes. He's never going to get anywhere in life. He's the future here, not us. I promised Charlie when he was a baby. One day he could come to a house with a cat tube.

That's all he wants. He wants a cat tube. Give the kids something good, you know? He doesn't have much to look forward to ever since the accident. You know, when people are quiet, you can put whatever personality you want. I was like, this kid can't wait to get it out of this house. He's too smart for this. he's gonna go run a bank.

And then the second he talks, he's like, you gotta admit it, be exciting to see a cat tube outside your house every day. It's like, oh, geez. Charlie's the lost guys. But Dane tells us, do you know how much value a cat tube would add to your home? And she immediately goes, I'm gonna say zero.

Okay, well then maybe we'll just stay an apartment another year. Okay, if I can't have a cat tube, studio apartment living it is. And she's like, no. No, it's imperative that I move now. I will move myself. I already told my parents I'm ready to pack up my things and move home if we don't get a house.

I feel like I'm surprised her mom did not show up in this episode because you know her mom probably comes in in one of those like sort of mow down jackets that goes down to her ankles. Hey, hon, you need a place to stay. I feel like you need a place to stay. Ma, I got it. It's okay.

We're not going to get the cat tube. Her mom's like, oh, let me guess. They already talked about the garage without you. Am I right? I knew it. Ma, ma, ma, he's no good for you. I love him, Ma, okay? We'll get through it. You can come back home. He cannot.

Okay? Last time he was there, we were missing spoons and then started finding chips in the guest room. He's not welcome. It's actually played by Brenda Bluthin doing a New Jersey accent. So she'd get her Oscar. You're welcome to come back home whenever you want, honey. Oh, honey, I know that surely you must be mistaken, they probably didn't talk about the garage already. Oh, no, they talked about the garage.

I love that we got some Brenda Blevine in there. It's been a while since she showed up. All right, so driving around, she's like, oh, my God, did you see that house? Listen, I know you wouldn't like awnings over the windows, but that's a house right there. It's a good looking house. Take away the awnings. There. We could totally work on that house.

You know what we should do? Dig that house up, turn it into a pool, and then build another house over it. And then we'd have a pool under our house. It's crazy, right? So Dane says that he likes Colonials with tall ceilings. I'm like, you also have a $250,000 budget. So good luck. Good luck getting a colonial for that price.

Unless you're just going to have like a column with a bed under it as your entire house. She's like, I would prefer a craft. Grassman bungalow style. The older the better. I would like a craftsman both as a house and actually as a husband, too. That would be nice. So, Dane is like, yeah, you know, Kimberly hooked us up with this listing, but you know what? It looks okay, but you can't see a garage.

I mean, is it in the driveway? Is it just a driveway? I mean, there's no front porch or a garage. Max, like, yeah. And by the way, it's right off the highway. Look at that. You can even see it. And you actually see the highway right there.

And you're like, oh, gosh. I just love, I actually wish they had a front porch that way they could sit out there, be like, all right, let's sit out of the front porch and watch. Watch the traffic jam on the Garden State Parkway. This house is actually cute. It's like this little yellow place with like a little yellow two-story with two bedrooms and two bath, which I can't believe you can get. Is it on the highway? Sure. You know, but it's cheap.

And Max's like, we're literally on the highway. And he's like, but we're very, oh, the real estate. state lady goes, but we're right near the beach. That's very valuable. Yeah, this is Kimberly Newsom and she's like, you know, there's not a lot of inventory. So we've been lucky enough to find a couple of houses that meet the parameters that we're looking for. Sure, they're not up to code and they're all, half of them are decayed from termites. But you know what? We're going to make it work. Yeah, we can do it. And every time she sees them in every scene, she goes, Hi.

What do you think? Like she's overly positive. And this couple immediately nags everything in the house. Max, like, what is this? Is this a huge living room? What is this? A step down entrance in a living room? What do I step down in here?

Seriously? Wow. Wow. So I'm stepping down, huh? Wow. It is sort of an interesting house. I mean, it's funny because from the outside, it looks like nothing. But on the inside, like you said, it is cute.

But when you walk in, you walk into the living room. But first, there's like a little kind of wooden nook thing. It's like a half wall that like it's like to the right and then right in front of you. So it's like guides you to the left. It's almost like walking into a supermarket. You know when you walk into a supermarket and it's like double doors? You walk in the double doors and then you think you can keep on going straight. But suddenly you have to make a left turn and walk through more double doors but going to the left instead of just going straight.

Yeah. It's kind of like that. And at first I was like, that is weird. But then I also see the value of it because that allows you to put a sofa up against it and it doesn't ruin the flow. It kind of says like if you put a sofa there when you walk in, it blocks the flow. But if the wall kind of says, no, I'm flowing you this way. It's okay. Well, it's just like really stupid remodeling because it's someone who's like, I don't need the porch.

We should make the house bigger. So they go through all this work, but it gives them like this much more room. It gives them like three feet of more space. Yeah. She's like, well, they made it bigger. And he's like, yeah. but it's like, you know, that was a colonial feature having a porch. Like a colonial has a porch.

Everyone knows that. Now it ain't a colonial no more. I guarantee if that porch were there, this would still look nothing like a colonial. I would not look at this and be like, ah, the American Revolution. I feel like I'm back. So there's white carpet everywhere. Mac does not like that. And Dan's like, yeah, it's dirty.

I was like, how do you think the white carpet feels about you? I mean, if you could hear a carpet. crying, I'm sure you would right now. Yeah, would you like to run a finger across any surface of the house with the highway grime landing on it every single second? So it's like, well, Matt

Mac's like, well, you got carpet, you said you wanted carpet, I mean, look at this, this is what carpet does, it gets dirty, there, you said it, you know, you wanted a carpet, I told you, what did I say? Carpet gets dirty, that's what I said, but you still wanted it, boom, you got your wish, hope you're happy. You just the secreted yourself, some dirty

fucking carpet, idiot. Hope you got to have a nice conversation with your dad or your brother about carpet without me. Because guess what? You just got your fucking dream come true, Dane. I don't even want to talk about you anymore. So then we see the kitchen. The real estate ladies, but the space has so much space. And then they see the kitchen.

And, you know, the kitchen is that it's painted to look like granite, but it's like formica, granite. I don't know. This place is a lot of red flags. It has, yeah. It's, um, the kitchen is, it's, it's, I mean, it's fine. It's fine. But Dane notices a dip in the floor and he goes, yeah, so this house is like 100 years old. So it's probably some structural issues, which probably means money. And then Kimberly says, well, you know what? The beauty of a 100 year house, it's not going anywhere. Except into the ground as it sinks on a bad, molded out, termite foundation. And if it survives a house fire from the electrical system. Yeah, you know, it's just like anything in life. The older, the longer it lasts.

Like, look at 100-year-old people. They just live forever. Her logic is insane, but also he's a dummy because he's like, hey, I want a colonial. How old is this place? Well, you could tell. Like, he's all bitter about the old place. You want a new colonial, sir? I want a brand new colonial with a solid foundation that's two stores tall that has the ability

to install a cat tube for $250,000 on the beach. Nothing says colonial like a cat tube. Am I right? I know, right? I want my kitten red coat to be able to get to the garage. Paul Revere, my tabby cat, loves to be active. So Kimberly is like, well, and guess what? You have a full bathroom right here.

I know the location's not ideal, but you have a full bathroom. So there's a full bathroom right off the kitchen. So Mac is like, oh, great, great, I love this. Let's make dinner. Let's eat dinner. And then I'll just go to the bathroom right here. It's right here. Great.

I'm like, that sounds actually pretty convenient to me, person. You're like, can we have a kitchen table over at the toilet? That would be great. This is getting to get it all done. This house is tiny. Where do you, like, you have to make some concessions, okay? So the bathroom has a door into the kitchen. You'll deal.

Not great. But that is the kind of show. Because this isn't an aspirational show. Normally we recap Bravo shows where it's like, oh my God, it's aspirational. They're living in a mansion. And on this show, it's just people who are like, we're about to get evicted and be forced to live with my mother.

Can I live with a place where someone's shitting while I make mac and cheese? That's that, I mean, because, you know, that's really what she's saying. She's like, Dan's going to go in there and drop an egg. And I got to smell it while I'm trying to make some skillet meals from ricearoni. Yeah, nobody. wants that when you're trying to eat. Like, okay, babe, I got to go lay one. It's like, no.

So, Dan's telling us, I'm a little uneasy. It's my first time buying a house. I just know I don't want to move back to our parents. That would be a bummer. So we see the room with, well, actually he says his parents, which I think is funny, because I love that they're both, like, we're moving back to our parents and not with each other.

Yeah. So then they go upstairs, and there's like a, I thought it was a room. I guess it's more of a landing area where there's like a sunny nook, but like also kind of parquet floors, but not quite. And they love the, Mac loves the light that's coming in from that nook. And Dane's like, you know what, I feel like I'm on a slant right here. She's got character. It's cold character.

You should try it sometime. Why don't you stand on an ankle for once in your life, you stupid dumbass? Kimberly is like, oh, if you don't fall through, I mean, the light is fabulous, though, right? Isn't it great lie, guys? It's great. You know, a good thing about light. Last forever. Until dark. Until dark, Kimberly. I can lie in Kimberly.

The reason why she says if you don't fall through is because Mac is like, this place has character. Look at this. I love standing right here. And Dan goes, okay, then jump. She goes, I'm not going to jump. And Kimberly's like, well, if you don't fall through, it's great. So then they look at the bathroom and Dan's like, whoa. Everything's pink. All the appliances are pink,

which I think he means like the bathtub and stuff. And he's like, you know what? I think if I get in that, I'm going to get dirtier instead of cleaner. Like, what's the shelf above a shower? What are you going to put stuff in that shelf above a shower? Because he goes, you know what we could do? Because there's a random shelf above the shower.

And he's like, you know what we could do? We could put some magazines up here, some towels with magazines and towels. I can't even reach that. That's probably the dumbest thing I've ever seen. in the bathroom. What did you and your father and your fucking brother talk about how you want to stack magazines above a shower now? Is that what's happening? Conversations happen above my back about things I can't reach. I'll tell you what I can't reach your brain because I can't get through to it ever in my life. Try calling your brain. I just hear,

busy every single time. Your brain is off the hook, idiot. So it's like, what's not functional about that? Absolutely everything. But other than that, I think the space is great. Love you. So Kimberly goes, are you guys ready for the surprise of peace of resistance? That was a war. That was a war joke. I know you love Colonials.

Okay. Let's look at this deck. And it is a really big deck out there. I was actually very impressed with the big deck. And I appreciated Dane's New Jersey accent, which made him sound like he said, this is definitely a big dick. I was like, excuse me? Big Dick Energy.

I went back three times I was like I'm pretty sure he said this is a big dick And Dan's like Oh my God And look the cat tube can go from the second Story across the deck to the garage You know what You've lost your mind

Seriously you've lost your mind So Mac tells us Cat tube is probably last on my list It's a ridiculous idea I'd rather do a kitchen or bathroom Before I spend a dollar on a tube This is one where I just disagree with both the wife and the husband.

Usually I take one side where I'm like, hey, I'm on the side of redoing something. You do not need to be redoing kitchens and you do not need a cat tube. Neither one of you. Okay? No. Okay, so next place. Next, their agent shows them another option

with a stellar garage. Oh, did I skip something in? Yes. Sorry, we're still in this first house because now they actually go into the garage, which is important because the garage is a whole thing. So they go into the garage, and it's like decrepit and scary and sad.

Like it's not finished. There's exposed plywood. Things are literally dangling from the ceiling. There's like exposed wires. And Kimberly's like, well, you know, there's work to be done, you know, but the priorities will let me be able to move into it and give me a good garage. And the house is perfect for them. And there's like this creepy bathroom in the garage and everything. And like Kimberly's like really trying to push this garage like this.

like this is like this is a sexy garage this is actually the centerpiece of your house right now well i think having a garage that actually has running water and a bathroom is kind of a thing i mean i know the garage is falling apart but look these people hate each other right i mean at the very least mac hates him she wants to redo something you know the best thing to to redo a fucking guest house in the garage you dummy go make that into like a guest house that you can leave him and you'll have like a fashionable guesthouse with running water. Come on. Let me listen, Mac. Help yourself.

And the really, very important reason why I brought up the garage is because it sets up Linda who just shades Kimberly now. I thought she was going to shade Dane or Mac, but she just goes after Kimberly because Linda goes, so their agent shows them a different

option with another stellar garage. Dumb bitch. She's shaming her. She's like, wow. Guess someone looks at, every picture in a listing except the garage moron. I guess we don't care about exposed wires when we're pulling in our car, do we, Kimberly? That's a shock.

Pun intended. So now they're driving more. And Max's like, I was looking at the listing and it looks close to the water. You know, easier to drown you. Easy to drown you. Am I right? And he's like, well, let's hope it's close to a garage. And Matt Matt and Max's like, of course it's got a garage, you idiot.

We're in New Jersey. Westwood House doesn't have a garage. Oh, my God. I can't believe I married him. But I love him. I love him. But I can't believe I married him. So this one's 225K.

And it's a tiny little place. But, I mean, for 225K, Jesus Christ, I'm in. You can't get an Airbnb to rent for a weekend for less than that. Oh, my God. It's so cheap for, like, compared to, I should say it's cheap compared to, like, L.A. prices, okay, where this would literally cost $1.3 million. So, uh, Dane is. like, yeah, she's like, it's imperative.

We find this house as soon as possible because I don't know how much longer she's going to stay with me in my apartment. Yeah. And she's like, I'll leave you. I will go back to my parents. So they go in and Kim's like, hi, guys, what do you think? We're right across from the beach. You're not going to find a colonial in this range or a craftsman in this range, okay?

So here we are. This is amazing. Look, you can even see it. You can see a dune over there. Yeah, I saw someone. I think I just saw someone die at the top of that. It was so weird. No one knows why. What can I say? So Dan's like that could be something we could enjoy going over that doom. And then we see this place. It's redone. It's got new wood-ish floors. And it's kind of done in that friend's purple. It's like very close to that color. Yes. It's yeah, it's like a lilac maybe. So the living room is really. small, but it has an enormous fireplace.

So it already doesn't look like the most usable space. And Mac is like, you know what? I think Dana's liking this house because he's a fucking idiot. I don't know why I married the guy. I really, really want to get out of that apartment. So this could be our shot. Like, I will literally live anywhere except that apartment any longer. And she's like, we've realized that houses in our budget are old.

Okay. Yeah. Well, welcome to the world. So they check out the primary bedroom. And she's like, this is small for a master. I mean, what's even going on with the ceiling? What is that acoustic tile up there? It's like a drop ceiling.

I can't even explain that. She just got an office ceiling, which I think Kimberly, it's like she designs offices. She's going to love it. I know. She's like, I can put a filing cabinet over here. So all the rooms are really small. And there's a lot of drop ceilings. And Dane is like really upset at the idea that they'd have to get rid of the drop ceiling.

And she's like, you know what? It's one bedroom that has the drop ceiling. There's three bedrooms. You can stand one of the other bedrooms. You can't fucking idiot. Oh my God. I need to get a cup of coffee and talk to my mother. She's like, oh yeah.

You know, if we want to just get rid of that ceiling, we'll just hire someone. I love when people say that. They're like, our budget is $5. So we'll just hire a contractor to come and redo everything. Like contractors charge you nothing, you know. Hello operator. Can you put me in touch with anti-drop ceiling removal services? Thank you so much.

So then they see this bathroom, and it's just weird color blue. And there's two doors because it's what is called a Jack and Jill bathroom. Okay? You can get into it from either side. And they're like, what? Why would a bathroom got two doors on it? It's got a closet? This bathroom got a closet?

But then they open the closet and it opens up to like a whole like public room. It's like the laundry room, which then goes to the backyard. So it's like a Jack and Jill, but like Jack. normally the Jack Angel opens up to two different bedrooms or a bedroom in a hallway. You're right, yeah. Bedroom in a hallway, but this just leads to, like, the strange other region of the house. It was so weird. Yeah, this is like the laundry room and stuff.

It goes in a circle of this house. So, like, whoa, this is crazy how it all goes in a circle like that. Another door. It's another door. And Kim goes, the good news? You got a mudroom. It's like the bad news, you know, someone's probably pooping, right? when I'm mudding. Like, what am I supposed to do?

Be taking off my muddy shoes while he poops? Like, Jesus Christ, either I'm eating while he's pooping or I'm taking off my muddy shoes while he's pooping. Is there anything you can get me where there's a place where he's just not pooping? Sorry. That's out of a realtor's job description, honey.

The good news is he got a mud room. The bad news is he got a husband who looks like mud. Just that he's dirty. So Kimberly, then it's like, and look at this yard. is ginormous. So Mac likes the backyard. And she's like, you know what? This is a nice backyard. And we also have room in our budget for, and Dan just interrupts. He goes, you know, we have room in our budget for a cat tube.

You can put it from this window and wrap it around the house. And she's like, oh, my God, just show me the garage. And this is also a dump, you know? So Linda called it. Linda was right to judge on this one. So Dan's like, oh, my God. Like, oh, how do you even open the door in this garage? Like, how am I supposed to pull in, like open the door. There's like a beam right in the center. Like, what am I going to open the door into the beam? The first time it seems like he's ever been concerned with logistics of anything. So, Max, like, you know what? You have to be a little more optimistic. Okay? You have to think to yourself that maybe you can pull your car up three more inches for once and then you won't hit the fucking beam, Dane. She's like a little construction. That's all we need. A contractor. And he's like,

you know what? I don't believe you. And Kim's like, guys, tomorrow, I'm doing. an open house at a place that's completely done. Stop by and I'll show you what that looks like. Now it's going to cost more but you won't have anything to do and you will get to hear this when you come in. So they now go to

they now had to house number three but first they're driving and Max's like oh so you're just going to blow through a red light? He goes well I was going to hits the brakes. So let's see Now a small bungalow thing right

So Dan's like oh it's not a colonial And she goes but it has a porch Okay come on it's $254 And he's like whoa that's really above all but It's $4,000 above your budget Okay You're gonna survive this It's gonna impact your monthly bill

By about $30 So they they walk in And I feel like I've never seen this before Where one of the houses is an active open house because there's another, Kim is talking to another couple. Kim is actively trying to get onto a separate house hunters episode. She's like, I can't with these people.

They're making me show the shittiest houses. How am I supposed to grow my brokerage? I know. I can't be seen with these houses on TV. Yeah, how does she even make a living? Like, she has to put up with these yokels spending no money, you know? Like, come on. Just as for her.

I like her. So they walk in. And of course, Kim's like, oh, hold on one second. Oh, I love you. And she's like, look around. I'll be with you in a couple of minutes. I'm talking to people that can afford this house. Okay, cat tubes?

Okay. Those other, that other couple looks terrified. I feel like one of them was in witness protection. It was not expecting to be on camera. He's like, oh, no. Oh, no, I knew I should not have come yet to this house today. He's like, oh, my God. If our taste level is the same with these people, we're screwed.

We're not taking this house. I know. We can't be with these people. So they walk in Mac likes the living room Because it's quaint And but Dane's upset Because there's no carpet

He really wants carpet And then Mac is upset That the floor She's like oh I was expecting Real hardwood floor And she's like vinyl hardwood floor Uh yeah It's the least of your issues

Yeah seriously So Dan's like we could replace it with carpet And she's like for once I agree with him Oh my God Are we just looking at more places And I'm losing my mind Or is he getting smart? I think I've just given up at this point.

Go talk to your dad and your brother. Have a conversation. Just buy a fucking house. I don't care anymore. I've resigned. My life is what it is. So they check out the kitchen. It's fine.

It's pretty. It's like new white cabinet. It's a white cream granite type thing. A stove, new stove. And she's like, this is... Tiny sink. Teeny, tiny sink. Did you notice that?

I did not. It was a whole new renovated kitchen. But the sink itself was a tiny little. It was like a barter. Oh, weird. It's like a wet bar. So she's like, this is a ranch. Kimberly's like, this is a ranch. I know it's not the type you were looking for, but come on guys.

And Max, like, I'm disappointed with the floor. And from the picks, I wasn't expecting final. $250,000. You're lucky there are floors. It could have just been dirt with some grass sprouts. Hello, Madam Project. This is perfect for you. Change out those floors.

Exactly. What do you think a project is? Go get some wood and do your floors. This is how shitty the houses that they are looking at, that this is something that Dane says, well, at least it's level. I'm not tilted. I like that he's grown to get used to being on tilted floors. Yeah, but also this guy, I mean, in the other houses, he's like, wait a minute, the floor is slanting. How come this floor is up here and the other floors down here? Because he was standing on one with carpet and padding under the carpet, and then the other one was just wood. He's like, wait a minute. This guy can't pull one over on this guy. So it has three bedrooms.

And so the first one is like all the bedrooms are like these like they basically look like dead end hallways with the bed at the end. Right? They're super narrow. The bed, there's barely any space to get out of the bed. It's really tiny. And then there's no dining space. There's just like an IKEA table shoved into a corner with two chairs on it. So they're kind of turned off by that.

But Kim, she's just like, well, you know what guys? you can always just take down a wall. I mean, it might be load-bearing, but this roof is so small. I don't think it's really going to even matter what holds it up. Just get a toothpick or something. And then there's not a double sink, and they don't like that. She goes, yeah, but there's multiple bathrooms.

You could each have a bathroom, you know? What are you going to do? They're like, wow, that's a good idea. So let's see. So then there's this little room, and she goes, does this lead to the backyard? Because I see the backyard there. She goes, oh, no, that is the backyard.

This is just like this little sliver of land outside a window. It's like a juliet version of a backyard. Like whatever the equivalent is. This is the best part. Like you know, Kim goes, that is the backyard. But look, right over the fence, you could go hiking, biking. And then goes, that's the highway. Exactly.

He's the car speeding by through the trees five feet away. That shit was funny. Exactly. You know, if you could go hiking, biking, driving. whatever throw yourself into traffic i see mac has that intention soon so then um then they're looking they're in the primary bedroom and they see the onsuit and you know mac is like not impressed with the shower she's like look at this door i don't like this door and so then kim does that thing when realtors are exasperated she goes yeah but it's better than not having a

master bathroom right yeah well great logic kim great logic well at least you're not dead Okay, 256. We're going to go up to 256 for this one. All right, let's look at the garage, because apparently that matters for you, idiots. So they go to the garage, and it's big. It's a big garage, and there's, like, one garage that's, like, tall for, like, a truck or something like that. And this is, like, everything that Dane would want, because Dane is actually so obsessed the garage. We actually have kind of undersold how much he cares about having a good garage for his junk truck.

So then he finally has a good garage, and he's like, yeah but there's not enough room for a cat tube i was like i'm done with you i'm done this is your garage you're dead to me and he goes you know what and the other problem is not a detached garage it is a detached garage by the way did you notice you're gonna have a detached wife soon okay it is a detached garage it's not like a huge space but he's he thinks that cat tubes can only work if they're on their way to the garage i just don't understand where that comes from i feel like a cat tube really inherently best works if they're connected to different houses in the neighborhood, to be honest. That way, cats can visit different houses. But going to the garage...

In the neighborhood. That's funny. I mean, assuming you have a neighborhood of lunatics. It's like a little cat subway. I mean, I'm a cat person. I don't know if I necessarily want a stranger's cat coming through, but I feel like if you're with a community, people all have cats, that would be a really fun thing to have, you know? Wow. No. It's like the same as having a dog park. You know, first it's people sending their cats over. Next, they're shoving their babies in there. I'm being like, well, we'll be back. We'll be back. Baby drops out covered in garage so it. So Kimberly tells us, um, so this cat tube thing is a little left of center, but all I know is

that when I come back in my next life, I definitely want to be their cat, which is, I guess, an animal that has given a lot of promises about a structure it will never have. Maybe I'll rethink that. So now they go over the houses and Max's like, no one told me how different. this is going to be wow so many ugly houses to choose from so they go over the the choices the two-story colonial and he's like it had carpet she goes it was ugly carpet idiot and he goes plus it was at the top of a budget it's your budget though so then house two love the location right next to a dune that kills people but you know it's weird that the the layout just goes into a circle and i don't know if my brain could ever conceive of ever learning how to go into a circle of four rooms what will i do and

number three gosh does we can't renovate anything and there's no space for a cat tube it's like you just described the perfect house of course you guys are going to take this so they go for house number one which it i think actually was the best choice and um they moved in their stuff it looks it looks nice. The cats are having fun on the carpet and Dane's like, I have cat tube plans. There's the house and the tube forms from the house and those the cats.

Look, here's my plan. He shows like a drawing as like a child's drawing. He drew a plan of the cat tube. Who are you going to show that to, Dane? It's like, okay, he's contracted. Here's what it is. See where the house is this? This is the house and this is the house and this is the tool. This guy's

definitely trolling us. This is him trying to be funny on camera. I'm convinced. Yeah. That's a house hunter's husband for you. Well, that was a fun episode. Thank you for... Oh, sorry. There was one last thing I did enjoy

when they were looking at what to paint the wall. And they're deciding what to paint it. And so he puts up a paint chip against the wall. And it's like black. She's like, we're not painting the wall black. He goes, it's a dark white. She goes, no, it's not even a paint chip. It's the back of the book.

And he goes, but hey, uh, Good ending. I got the fish mailbox. Oh, God. Okay. I thought this fish mailbox, Ronnie, I thought it was going to be, I've seen fish mailboxes before where they're kind of like these wooden things and the mailbox has like a little, has like a little like fins and little mouth or whatever. And they're kind of cute. But his was this like monstrosity that looked like a giant bass had actually swallowed a mailbox. It was disgusting. Oh my God. Wait a minute. I didn't know what a fish mailbox was. He literally means a fish.

shaped mailbox. I just looked it up and I'm looking on Google right now. They're giant fish and you open the door and the door is their mouth. Come on. Yeah. Is that what it is? It's like crazy looking but I've seen ones that look like normal and I'll I can't find them on Google images. I'm only getting the hideous ones. How have I never heard of a fish mailbox? This is a thing. There's like thousands of this. It's a thing. Like yeah, there's a lot of them and some some are like really cute. Oh my God. You know you're the fish that you hate the five head Fish, someone made a mailbox out of it. Oh, my God.

Come on, guys. I can't. That's hilarious. Well, everybody, you know, thank you for being here. Thank you for suggesting this audience. And also, if you want to suggest, just email us. It's our podcast name at gmail.com. Also, I don't know why I said that.

Like a bot is going to find our address. Watch what crap is at gmail.com. And write dwell hello in the subject so we can search them. And also, if you're bored, look up fish mailboxes because you'll really be. be horrified by the state of the world that we live in. Yeah. Yeah, look them up. Thanks, everyone, for being here,

and we'll catch you on the next 12 hello. Bye, everyone.