Watch What Crappens - Dwell Hello #322: Firewalking in New Mexico

Episode Date: November 7, 2023

A shaman from Nashville decides to find a home for women’s retreats in Taos. Will she find a place she can take a shaman bath with no one watching, or will neighbors catch her blowing earworms into her Corona bottle? Let’s find out! This is House Hunters S149E04 and we watched in on Max and YouTube TV. Find bonus episodes at patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens and follow us on Instagram @watchwhatcrappens @ronniekaram @benmandelker Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to Dwell Hello. I'm Ronnie and that's Benoony Bonaloonie over there. How you doing, sweet guy? Hi, Ronnie. How's it going? Good. Welcome to Dwell. Hello, everybody. We are Ronnie Ben from Watch for Crappins.

Okay. Which you probably already know by now. But this is our House Hunter's recap show. Dwell, hello, biweekly here on Wondery Plus. I know. And we got a fun one. today. This one, you know, sometimes, you know, what's fun

when we do these shows is that sometimes the show itself is just kind of dull, but that's what's so funny about it, is that like we find all the things to make fun of. But sometimes the episodes just, they just start and you're just already just laughing and you just laugh the whole way through. And this is one of those. And this is

also a listener's suggestion. So thank you so much for giving us these. If you want to suggest something, just shoot it to our email. Watch what happens at gmail.com. And we can easily scroll it because if you tweet it or something like that we can't search for it you know what i mean and we forget about it so yeah oh this one we actually did get from twitter we actually were caught this one before it went away well that was lucky because i happened to just be in the mood to do notes while i was

scrolling through twitter and i saw that and i was like good enough so i it was my turn to pick this week so i email and i actually yeah and i saw it too actually um i want to also put this request in that if you have a suggestion. Let's standardize the subject in the email. So that way when we look for it, like we get like a whole list of results. Because sometimes even though people email us, we do lose it on email too. So please put, I'm just to say this off. This is going to be crazy, Ronnie. I'm off off the cuff here. If you have an idea as your suggestion, in your subject line, just write dwell hello suggestion as your subject. Okay. And that way we can type in well hello suggestion

and like everyone's results will show up in one place for us. So that will just so just a formal just to sort of like make it more easier for us to go through recommendations everyone. Okay. And yeah. We get it.

You know, searching your email guys. Let me clarify this. Okay. When you write an email, there's a subject field. Oh, we've got email subjects by this point. But yeah, thank you. Because it is hard searching sometimes. in general in life. I'm always searching.

What if I found, really? Okay, so here we are, House Hunters episode. This is Season 149, Episode 4, and it's called Firewalking in New Mexico. As usual, we found, not as usual, but as usual, search the title in whatever you're watching, Firewalking in New Mexico, and it should pop up for you.

For me, I watch this on YouTube TV, and it's also on Max. Me too. But there you go. I did the same thing. I also did it on YouTube TV. So this is a real joy this episode.

So it opens up with our narrator, who we call Linda, saying, Energy healer and shaman Lori is on the hunt for a second home just outside of Taos, New Mexico. Real original, bitch. Wow, is shaman in New Mexico? What'll be next?

Wow, a white lady appropriating in other cultures, spiritual practices, and moving to New Mexico. Mexico. Congratulations. You're an original. What's next? McDonald's opening up against a across the street from a Nutra System facility? I just never saw it coming. Wow. Guess what? Exxon just opened up across from Shell near a highway. What a surprise. She hopes to find a home to host women retreats. And Linda's like, I can see myself being so womany here.

This is just so many women are going to fit in this for my women's retreat of treating women. My God. This is so great for gatherings and having groups of women here, which I feel like I just want to say to any place. I'll like walk into Chapo. Like, guys, this is so great for groups of women and gathering.

This is a great women gathering space. It's a great place for women to gather. Am I right? I want to have groups of women here. The first line of the episode, which is when we knew this was going to be completely loony tunes. It's the lady, her name is Lori.

and it just starts with her going, I just can't get over that we're on an edge of a cliff. We're ready to take off and fly. I was like, dare you? Not many houses do that, but I applaud the effort. You just know she's going to be a fucking loony tune. She's sitting in her armchair, pressing her foot on the gas. Like, when is this house going to take off?

If anybody is triggered because we're going to be making fun of this supposed like a shaman, which first of all, no, I think that's appropriation, A. And B, I'm going to mock it relentlessly and you're taking, you're triggered, too fucking bad, okay? Go fucking meditate about it. That's what I have to say to you. This is a bunch of bullshit. This lady charging you for this stuff. I don't believe in Lori for one damn second, okay.

Well, I got nervous. I was like, because I know we're going to make fun of this lady who, this white lady being a shaman and everything. I was like, but you know what, though, if she's like indigenous and, And, you know, this is like part of her culture and we're making fun of it. That's really fucked up. So let me try to do some research. And I have done some research.

I found her bio. I found her website. As far as I can tell, I'm pretty sure she's just a white lady. So I feel... This is just a white lady, okay? Okay. And so if I'm wrong, by the way, if we're wrong, if it turns out she's not just a white lady and that like we, like this, the intent is not to make fun of her culture.

The intent is to make fun of what we, what seems to us based on our research is a white lady appropriating a culture. Yes. Breakthrough Coaching International with Lori Hudspeth, CEO, speaker, and coach. And is it a coincidence that she has somewhat Captain Sandy here? She has kind of the length, maybe with some curls when she's about to do an event, okay? It's also not unlike maybe some like Geraldine Ferraro here. I'm just getting a taste of that, a little wisp of that, you know?

Oh, you know what she has? has, she has Jane Atkinson hair. Oh, that's a good call. Don't know who Jane Atkinson is. I really encourage people to look up Jane Atkinson. She has Jane Atkinson hair for sure. Well, I can tell you this much, she really loves saying breakthrough master, capitalized, both words, breakthrough master. Lori Hutzpeth is a breakthrough master that your company and organization needs to see true transformation. Lori is a highly sought after speaker, seminar, faciliter, and coach. She's a founder of breakthrough coaching international and breakthrough international academy breakthrough

breakthrough coaching international academy by the way fun coaching coaching breakthrough international breakthrough academies of breakthrough coaching gathering women fun fact the kool-aid guy used to just walk up to walls and then just turn around before he met lorry now guess what it was right through that wall because it's a breakthrough also lorry is one of less than 10 master firewalking instructors in the world. You know why? Because that shit hurts. Okay.

Also, because it's probably like a made-up, it's a, it's probably like a made-up profession. I know that there is firewalking in the world. And I know that it's probably, uh, it comes from probably certain cultures. But I'm sure in the world of like actual instructors who are certified when in terms of when we get the certification, I think that's probably not a real profession. Maybe a tradition, but not a profession. Yeah. I'm looking it up and it is people,

it is what I thought, the people walking on the hot coals and stuff. You know what? I think there's a certain privilege in that. And here's what I say is your spiritual healer, everybody, okay? You're lucky to have feet that you can walk on. Stop fucking burning them and thinking you're some badass.

Okay? Stop. Be grateful for your feet. Stop having feet privilege. It's disgusting. They used to do it on every season of Survivor they used to make people walk over coals and then they just stopped because I think they realized,

I think this is losing its appeal. So she conducts, She regularly conducts breakthrough firewalls seminars, firewalk seminars and retreats and workshops around the world to help people identify what is holding them back in life. Maybe what's holding them back in life is a fear that someone's going to make them walk on hot coals. Guys, she can help you break through old patterns

that no longer serve you and boldly move forward with purpose and clarity through fire. Here's my purpose and clarity for you. Get a job. Okay, so let's get started with this. So Linda is very, she's, like, excited to be womany. Lori is. And Linda, there's Linda the narrator and Lori the lady.

And so Linda, the narrator is like, but she might have to sacrifice some things to make her dream come true. Let's hope it's her daughter, who has terrible bings, spoiler. She may have to sell her Melissa Etheridge collection to fund this giant house. So Lori, then we see a clip of Lori going, What is the neighbor? They have a good view of me from this deck. Oh, imagine how they feel Lori.

I know with your fire walking. P.S., I wish I was the neighbor so I could call the fire department every time you tried that shit in my backyard. But it's also my favorite running thing in this episode. Here's Lori. She is one with nature. She's like here to help humans. She's here to help your soul, energy healing.

you know, get to the soul of human... Is that another person? Is that a neighbor? I will not be my neighbors. I've never been by my neighbor in my life. Not in my backyard. I was like, of course. It's like you're not going to be around humans.

So I think that this is going to be like a bunch of ladies just, you know, pulling off their tops and like screaming to the winds or something at sunset. So she's like, we don't need neighbors jerking off on us over there. It's going to be, yeah, just like naked ladies rubbing mud on each other's back. just like everything you've seen in movies about women's retreats, which, by the way, fully support it as a practice, but I think Lori is going to just do like the hackiest version of all time. Yeah.

So we know because... Because the way this starts. We get the ding-dong opening. And then we start with Lori blowing into a glass bottle. She found like an old, like, it's a Coke bottle. It's like a fucking Corona bottle. And she's like, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, And then she sounds like somebody who's just been shamaning at the office every fucking day and is so over shamaning.

She's like, To the winds of the south, great serpent, saccharis, etcharum, come and wrap the chorus of light around us. Teach us the beauty away. And then she starts rattling something at the sky. I can't with her. And it's just like, have you just, are you making the donuts right now, Lori? Can I get it? Maybe slow it down.

Maybe put some emotion into it. You know, we are Bravo watchers, which means that we've seen a lot of shamans on our television, because they love seeing a shaman. We, of course, watched Dallas, where we met a shaman who also, it was a hairstylist and would do Stephanie's highlights and on his free time he would work as a shaman. So I kind of thought that was going to be the nadir of TV shamans. But then we've here, now we have Lori, who's doing this thing blowing into a bottle she found on the side of the road saying, such a mama, great serpent in the sky. I'm like, I just can tell this lady is a fraud. And in fact, on her website, she talks about how she's a master firewalking instructor, energy healing practitioner, life coach, certified hypnotist and minister, which means that

con artist, right? Like, too many hyphenates. If you're one thing, it's okay, but too many hyphenates. But also, it says on her bio, which I thought was funny, Lori and her work has been featured on ABC and more recently on Househunters. I'm like, okay, ABC is one thing, because it's like you're being profiled for the good work you do, but being on house hunters as like as some sort of like backup for, not backup, but like proof that you are doing great shamanism, that's a stretch. Well, ABC is pretty broad too.

Like there's no show on ABC. Is it like ABC tile? Is it the alphabet? What are you talking about? Prove it. It's more like, more like local ABC 7 in Nashville. and there was a report about a car accident and Lori's like, well, I was just walking

trying to stay away from neighbors and I saw this car swerving into another lane and it was crazy. She's like, I've been featured on ABC. Feature on ABC. I've already done this pair like 19 times on TV so here I go. Great serpent in the sky. Also, I wonder what she's a minister of

because serpent in like religion, most religion, it's like Adam and Eve they were tempted by the serpent. You know, so that's not great. The serpent is the devil. so I don't love praying to the serpent in the sky. Now, I probably should back that up because I don't really know where that comes from. I'm probably offending somebody somewhere with that.

But I'm just saying, Satanic, I'm just saying, Lori is really a Satan worshipper. There you go. This is all a cover. I'm just saying, I don't want to get in trouble. Lori worship Satan. So, yeah, she loves the serpent in the sky. So, Lori Montelag. I'm, what?

Lori monologue. Hit it, Ben. Ding. Oh, okay. I'm Lori. I'm a shaman, and I do energy healing. I also am a master fire walker instructor, and I lead women's empowerment retreats around the country. I've been doing retreats for 11 years now.

A woman's retreat is about healing. And some of the breakthrough activities we do, we break through boards, which is funny because a lot of, of times some of our women hurt their wrists doing that. So we have to do like literal healing. So I've got bandits. We also do breath work. We also walk on fire. And my secret talent is throwing my farts. So it always smells like somebody else did it. So that's pretty cool. I turn and teach people that whenever I can. Lori, who has custody of her daughter, lives on an 80-acre farm

south of Tennessee. But she's also dreamed of owning a second home out west. So now we see, this is my favorite, now Lori's walking around with a woman in a turquoise scarf, and Lori says, I'm so excited to be here and in this amazing energy and to be looking for a house and house. That rhymes. Oh my God, that's like shaman from a llama that's going in somewhere. House and chowels. Well, the West has been calling me since I was a little girl. Really?

The West. Just generally, the West has been calling me. calling you. I love being in the mountains. I love being outside. And it's time for me to have that experience and women's retreats with women gathering. Her retreats with women. So then she said, I'm sorry, this is my favorite part. So she, Linda says, Lori's friend and fellow shaman jocelyn has traveled from Pennsylvania to help Lori in her search. I just love that there's like Jocelyn from Pennsylvania, the other shaman shows up. And she's the one wearing this like scarf. I'm like, who's seeing Jocelyn in Pennsylvania for their shaman needs?

That's what I want to know. You know, there's a shaman for everybody. There's a shaman for, they found each other on shaman Twitter. I don't even know how they met, but it's cute that they found each other, you know. Okay, shaman. What is that? That's where you go for shaman dating. Okay, shaman.

Plenty of shaman's in the sea. So that can, does that tell you how long it's been since I've online dated? Is that still a thing? Plenty of fish? I have no idea. I've also been off those sites. Oh, that's true. But I think he'll get you, but still around.

Okay. I don't know. Lori says, Jocelyn is here because no one knows me better. Am I right, Jocelyn? And she's like, yeah. Lori is like dynamite. You know small things that are powerful? Wait a minute.

did you just fart? He said small but powerful. Silent but deadly, am I right, Joss? She's like, yeah. And not only is Lori a fire walker, she's a firecracker. Well, is she dynamite or is she a firecracker? Come on, Jocelyn.

Get your metaphors together. One will kill a city or at least a building, and one won't. Okay, come on, Jocelyn. One will just destroy your NFL career. While she's working with fire, can she take it to your eyebrows because you need some help? I know. She has one eyebrow that is just like up here by her hairline and one that's like down by her cheek.

Like, hi, I'm Jocelyn. I live in Scranton and I'm a shaman. We've learned in this episode that there are shamans in Pennsylvania. Are there eyebrow people? Are you related to Mareviz. down. I'm here to show me. I don't remember how to do that accent anymore.

I'm sad. So they're walking around. They are big walkers on this one. They don't drive. And most of the episodes we've been watching, they're always driving somewhere. We're talking in a restaurant. But this one, they're just like always walking randomly in Taos through like a forest, you know. How did you get here?

I wrote an eagle. so my spirit animal so Jocelyn says you know Touse you know I consider you know Tauce is considered the land of enchantment I'm like is that I thought that was all of New Mexico by the way I mean it's on the license plate right so by the way also Jocelyn congratulations for cribbing the license plate slogan

to try to be spiritual okay isn't that Disneyland no Disneyland is the happiest place on earth I think land of enchantment is New Mexico okay New Mexico slogan. Watch. New Mexico slogan. I love you.

I might as well be New Mexican. Okay. I'm from El Paso. And my first driver's license was when I was 15 in New Mexico because they let you get your, well, they used to let you get your driver's license at 15. So I'm basically a native. You're, it's, you know why? Land of Enchantment. I mean, I'm still enchanting.

It's just an enchanting. Okay. He's just an enchanting driver. So they're walking around. And Lori's like. Everything here in Taos is art, the buildings, the town, the house and house. It's all unique. And Jocelyn's like, yeah, land of enchantment.

That's what we do. So, oh, and then Lori tells us, Tau is directly across from Tibet. And there's something special about that. Now, what does that mean? Like, across from Tibet. I think that, like, if you, if you drilled a hole from Touse, just went into the ground, it would come out again on, On Tibet, which I actually would really like this.

I feel like there's a website that's like, what is on the opposite side of the world from you? There is a website. Okay, hold on. I'm going to type it in. Popular mechanics. There's got to be, okay. It's probably big and blue.

Okay, the ocean. Wait, I want to see, I just feel like this is bullshit now. Now I feel like, okay. Why do you feel this? Because it's Lori. What is the opposite side of the world?

You're just not going to believe anything Lori says no matter what. Okay, antipodes map. Tunnel to the other side of the world. Okay. Your location. Okay, I'm going to type it in. I'm typing in my location. Okay.

Taos, New Mexico. Okay. Hurry. It's the ocean. I'm like, hurry. Look, she is, like, Lori, I mean, this woman is such bullshit. Let me tell you what the antipode is of Tavit. House, New Mexico.

Okay, what is it? It's in the middle of the Indian Ocean. The closest thing is Madagascar. Oh, wow, okay. It says, incredible. There's no one around you, just fish. Wow. So no eagles?

Because she loves an eagle, Lori. We find out. That's the big, spoiler alert. That's the big twist that she loves eagles. We don't know that. I guess I just gave away everything. But, yeah, that's Lori for you. So Lori's a liar because she said,

She just fully lies. She says it's the exact opposite of Tibet. Well, maybe she just doesn't believe in Googling things because it's not spiritual enough. But she does have a website, so we can't give her that. Well, damn it, Lori. I didn't see you as a liar, but now I do. Well, maybe, you know what, though, maybe latitudinally it's opposite from Tibet because that's probably what it is. Well, she says it's a cross from Tibet.

So I don't know what that means. I'm going to give her space. I'm going to say that maybe latitude-like-wise. You know what, then? You're coming really hard, and I really need you to retreat. Okay. I need to get off this point. This is the opposite of the land of enchantment.

This is the land of need to move on. Okay. So the narrator's like, oh, sorry, Laura, it's like, yeah, it's directly across from Tibet, and there's something special. And Jocelyn says, yeah, the monks come here every year to bless it and do coke with Shirley McLean. She's in Santa Fe, Jocelyn. Sorry, Lori.

I'm so sorry, Lori. You know Jocelyn is terrified of Lori. Every time Jocelyn says anything, Lori just looks at her smiling like, you better say it right. She's not just a fire walker. She's a firecracker. Breakthrough mastery.

Jocelyn's like, Hey, do you know if there's a Wawa here in Tau? Sorry, I need to take a shaman sandwich. Please. So, Linda's like, Lori has narrowed her search to the nearby community of Angel Fire because she's very, very literal and is a firewalker.

She wants to set angels on fire and then walk on them. So Lori's like, it's an amazing community. The only traffic here is an Elkhard crossing the street. Look, literally. And they show an Elkurd crossing the road or whatever. And she's like, wow, let's look at the internet, Jocelyn. This is crazy. Jocelyn, look what I found here on the internet.

Yeah, she starts doing like searching for homes and she starts like she's acting for the camera so much. She's wow, a search result. Oh my God. And look, I just did some research on Tibet. Amazing. What a plateau. So Linda says after receiving, I'm sorry, after recently receiving an inheritance and with the success of her business, L-O-L, L-O-L, L-Roy has come up with the budget of, I'm sorry, let me read this correctly. $1.5 million.

She's a shaman who has $1.5 million to spend, everyone. That's what we call it no shaman. So how much does a shaman charge? That's crazy. By the way, just advice to everybody is listening. Jesus is free. Okay. I also would like to know about this inheritance

because I feel like there's a backstory there. Inheritance. No, what inheritance? She said with the success of her business, Lori has decided... No. She says after recently receiving an inheritance and the success of her business, which means that this is an inherent... She either killed somebody or she is just like the classic, like, daughter of a very wealthy person.

I think that she like shamaned some rich old people and sweet talk them until they made her the will... What do you call it? The will beneficiary. And then Lori's like, we're going to try. firewalking today, Cleo, and then just leaves are in there. Yeah. You know? Yeah, it's either that or like, it's, you know, like the Bronfman daughter's daughters

who are like all caught up in nexium, remember? They're like the, like, oh yeah. Errors to a huge, all this money, they get sucked up into a cult and they are all into it. Like I can also see Lori being someone who's like father owned, like there's a bridge named after her father in Pittsburgh somewhere. and like there's like music halls. She's basically a Carnegie. I've decided she's a Carnegie.

And she's just like there's the strange cousin and sister or whatever who just got like this inheritance. So it's either that or she murdered someone or both or both. So she's like, you know, this one's too modern. I want something more rustic. And she tells us, I've always wanted a log house. It's my dream. You know why? Because logs are alive.

They're a living. Breathing tree. For fuck's sake, just make a house out of Jocelyn. I mean, Jesus. Also, you know what logs are? Logs are living, breathing trees that someone chopped down and killed and turned into logs. Those are corpses. They are not alive. They are literally the reptiles. The living trees are dismembered and suffocated with polyurethane. So, listen, I know you got your shaman degree from Twin Peaks University. Okay, but logs do not speak to us. Okay.

And it is literally the most visual representation of a tree corpse there could be. And Jocelyn's like, you know what's going to fit her best? A cabin. I just said I liked cabins, Jocelyn. I know that's why I'm saying, but you don't have to repeat it. Okay. Well, it would be great for her. And when she looks outside, if she has a cabin, she can feel one with the cabin because

outside there's trees, but also inside there's going to be trees. Because everything's going to be mad at logs. we know what a long cabin is jocelyn okay hold on lorry i've got a facetime sash with the philly's mascot okay sorry i just have to do a little bit of healing over there in pennsylvania hi mr fanatic it's jocelyn um so by the way i just want everyone to know i fully acted that out for ronia on camera and ron is the only one who could see what i just did

i have to remember no one's watching so the narrator linda tells she's so used to acreage. She wants the same thing here that she has in Nashville. Well, good luck. So Lori's like, I've never had neighbors, and I certainly don't want to look out and see humanity now. I just love this antisocial shaman.

All about spirituality, but doesn't want to see people. So then Linda's like, she's also with like a yard that's flat for firewalking, because that's her priority. Yeah, I'll just let that sink in for everyone. She wants big outdoor entertaining to take women's groups out, a stone fireplace to have women groups around, and stone and wood without Jocelyn there. And Jocelyn's like, oh, I want to have an open kitchen. That would be great.

You're not living here, Jocelyn. Well, but still, I am going to be the one probably cooking. So that would be great. She's like, my experience has been that when I go to Lori's house, she traps me in a closet with a hot plate. So an open kitchen would really be much nicer for me. And then Lori goes, a kitchen. A kitchen. Lori says, she just says a kitchen as if like even the idea of a kitchen is a strange request.

It's like, yeah, a kitchen. That's pretty standard in a house. So Lori tells us a bath is very big on her list because she needs a shaman's bath. Okay. That's when you soak and you help your energy field. And that's a way to release heavy energy and she needs that. You know what else that's called a bath? It's just a bath.

It's like literally everybody takes a bath. to relax, okay? It's a bath, Lori. I'm sure there's such a thing as a shaman shower, too. Okay? Even like a shaman deodorant. There's like a shaman Kia. You know? That's not a shaman kia. So Linda says, rounding out Lori's ridiculous wish list is plenty of bedrooms to host retreats and as well as a dedicated room for her daughter, Lily.

By the way, nice of her to bring Lily along for this house hunt. No kidding. She's like, this means so much to Lily, which is why she's getting zero input. Okay. We carved out a little bed out of a log, and Lily, that'll just be Lily's room. And she's like, it's important for Lily to feel welcome, but also to have rooms for four different bunk beds for women's

retreats. She's going to love it. So now we see Jocelyn and Lori walk up to this house, and Lori, that's a big log cabin, like a fancy log cabin, you know. And Lori's like, look at this. It's in a Forest. And Jocelyn's like, and look at those mountains. I said,

look at the forest, Jocelyn, not the mountains. So house number one is a funky, like multi-slanted roof type place. I mean, house does look like

a gorgeous place. It looked, yeah. This is a really cool house. And the realtor is named Lisa, which I can't with this. Lori, Lisa and Linda.

Come on, guys. Give us a break. I mean, admittedly, one of those people is fictional. but still come on let's face it so it was Lori

so Lisa by the way Lisa is probably one of the least charismatic realtor as we've ever seen on this show she is a true like hippie towel it's like hi welcome you're gonna absolutely love this place I found

three bedrooms two baths and it's a little bit under your budget at 1.48 million I think this house has so much to offer to Lori because she's looking for retreats and respite for women and this house has everything to do that. They walk in.

Did you see the artsy iron wicker chimney on the outside? It's like, you know, when they take iron thin rods and they melt, they weld them all together in different shapes and stuff? Is that supposed to help with smoke? What happens to the smoke? It's all holes. well the smoke's going to have to go on to a smoke retreat with women so uh they walk in it's it's a very cool house like it's not like my style but i i appreciate that this is a really cool like upscale log cabin

it's like beautiful like but it feels like a place you go for like an Airbnb or something um big like big chunky logs, huge windows. Those windows are amazing. Lots of flagstones. You know what it smells like in there. Like it's a nice house. Yeah, it's really, really beautiful. The stone floors, fireplaces. I mean, these are really, really great.

And Lisa's like, this is just what you wanted. Am I right? And she's like, oh, my God. You know what this is perfect for? Having women here. Look at all these living logs. Am I right? Hi, everybody.

Hi, everybody. Talking to the logs. Hey, guys, high five. They're just alive with log loves. Lisa, could you, Lisa, Lori. Lisa, Lisa, could you please check on something for me? Can you make sure that these living logs are female? Because I really am going to need some women logs.

Speaking of logs, here's a bathroom. And so, I think, actually this bathroom annoyed me because like the sink is. literally like a tree stump and then they put like a stone it's like one of these it's like a little bit too much like isn't this funny it's a it's we're in a log cabin and the sink is like a log but it's also a rock I'm like okay give me a proper yeah they really really stick with the theme over here you know this is definitely someone who's like we're doing a log cabin in tows make it loggy yeah and then uh there's a stone fireplace so laurie loved that she'll say it's a stone fireplace this exactly what I wanted because she's all about

the stone and wood together. She's like, this is great. And you know what? I can really imagine having groups of women here. You just keep saying it is so funny. Just keep saying grips of women. So we see the kitchen and they've done the back splash. It's like custom back splash that they've cut into the shape of like the desert mountains and stuff. It's very much like an airport in a New Mexican town, you know, where they're like, we have mountains here. Put them everywhere. Yeah. And Jocelyn's like, this is perfect for you because it's not too big and everything is like perfectly done and open. Please don't lock me in the closet again. Lori, please. I want to participate. It's not too small. I can participate with the women who are gathered. I cook for a few night and day. Lori, please. And Lori's like, so how much do you think it would be to put a wall in here with a door that locks? So now they go out to this like this big beautiful deck that just looks out over this enormous vista. And Lori's like,

look at that view. This view, you know, the only thing that's better than this view, groups of women, and we're on the edge of the cliff. We are ready to take off, just like I said in the beginning. You know where it's really good to take super depressed people who need to get away from them? The edge of a cliff, okay? You know, and then I'm going to throw them into a fire, and then we're visiting all of the knife stores in town. Like, come on, Lori.

Jesus. So Lori's like, is like, is that? A neighbor? Do I see a neighbor? Oh my God. Well, they have a pretty good view of me. And it's like what you said earlier. You think that they want, do you think these people who have been living in this beautiful view want to look to their left and see you, Lori? No one wants to look next door and see the lady who runs a retreats, you know, from her house, out of her house, like a home business. Banging a drum over people's bodies. So she goes, you know what? There's no place for firewalking because it's a four. It's all a forest, which is hilarious. It's like it's firewalking, and that's a huge part of my empowerment retreats. It requires space away from trees with a nice flat area. What are you doing here?

Here's what you do. Get a hot water bottle, put it over, put a towel over it, and have people walk over it. Get one of those above ground pools, just pouring up. Here's what you do. Turn on your oven. Turn on your stove. Have Jocelyn hoist up a lady and put her foot on the element. Okay. So we see that there's a hot tub outside.

And then there's this like big eagle statue right by the hot tub. It's such a really tacky eagle statue, by the way. It's like the sort of thing. Like I remember one time we went to a mall in Houston and that we just went into some shop that had all this like Americana junk in there. It was just all so hideous. It's like that's where the statue came from. Yeah.

And Lisa's like, yeah, the eagle was the inspiration for this house. If you look at it, the house is shit. like an eagle. It's literally Don Henley, actually. It's an eagle. I'm like, oh my God, amazing. I hope it's a woman eagle. God, I hope.

That likes to retreat. Women's retreat. Oh, God. I just looked at the jostling of eagles. Okay. Let's put it in the cage and send it to the zoo. So now they look at the primary bedroom and they're like, you know, oh, my God.

There's still windows that you can look up to that view. It's the same view. And there's a big, huge shower. And Lori goes, wow, nice shower. Wait a minute. Where's the bathtub? Is the bathtub around here? Is it in here?

Is it in the closet? Wait. Hold on. It's behind this refrigerator in the bed. It's a kitchen. Is it hiding from Jocelyn's brows? That happened. Has the bathtub tasted Jocelyn's beet salad?

Is it hiding from Dosselin? She's like, well, I need it. I need to take my shaman baths, okay? It's very important that I take my shaman bath. Okay, I like to clear my energy. You know she's used the shaman bath excuse so many times in life. Like, hey, Lori, are you coming to dinner tonight? You know what?

I have to take a shaman bath. Sorry, my energy's really bad. Yeah, I got to get from my shaman bath. And Lisa's like, but there's a hot tub here. She goes, yeah, but I don't sit in my, I don't sit in my energy in the hot tub. Come on. No one wants an unbath. It's called an energy.

It's called a shaman's bath, not a shaman's jacuzzi. I mean, come on fucking Jocelyn, keep up. So now they go upstairs and there's a special feature for Lily. It's a hidden door behind a bookcase. By the way, if I'm a burglar, I'm pulling on every bookcase I see because that's the most obvious hidden door of all time. Put it behind like a pan, you know? to find the pan.

It's a very small door, but still. I don't know. Those secret rooms scare me. I just have visions of people getting trapped in there. When search parties go to find them, they don't realize there's a secret room. And then they're just like, they just die in there. So I'm not into them.

They have to have an escape hatch, you know? But I did love panic room. It's a great movie. Oh, God. You know what? Yeah, let's just take a moment to say, no matter what you think of shamans or whatever's happening, here today. Let's just all take a moment to be grateful for Jody Foster. God, what a gift.

At a young Kristen Stewart and Dwight Yocum. What a gift. Thank you everybody. Okay, so downstairs, half bath, lily room. Okay. So yeah, they have, I don't know, I'm lost now because I'm thinking about Jody Foster. I'm like, I wonder if Jody Foster woman retreats. You were turning actually into a shaman chant at that point. Half bath, logs. I'm like, Jody Foster of the spy. God, Lori wishes. She's like, oh, I got a big get. Got a Jody Foster group. If Lori shifted her thinking over to worshiping Jody Foster in the sky, I'd be in.

I'd be like a sign me up. Yeah. So Lori is telling Lisa, you know, I love the log. She keeps on saying just the log. I love the log. She just speaks about logs collectively as the log. I'm the local. I'm a local.

So that's what we say. I love the log here. I love the log. the log style. You know, it's what I've wanted my whole life. I remember being three years old. While everyone was getting toys, you know what I said?

I want log. I just give me some log right now. And Lisa's like, yeah, what about that open floor plan? Jocelyn like that. Fucking, God damn it. But there's no tub and hello, I'm a shaman.

I'm not a regular, so I need the shaman bath. And Lisa's like, well, I know we missed the mark here on the acreage, which would be fine for literally any other human on this planet, but apparently not good enough for you, the shaman. I have to tell you this.

This is like a weird break in Dwell, hello, because we were talking about this on one of our other recaps today. I'm in an Airbnb right now. He's vacuuming again. He is. This has been literally four hours today. Maybe he's a shaman, and this is his way of communing with the spirits. Okay, so let's see.

She wants a log, guys. She wants like log style. And she says, she doesn't like that the neighbors are closed, but she also says, you know, I love being outside and I love taking our groups outside. And being in the forest is going to limit what we do. How are you going to talk about how you love how the logs are alive? And yet you don't want to be in the forest. You're like, I want to take the women outside.

I was like, what part of being in a forest is like not being outside? That's like perfect for shaman stuff. Yeah. So she's like, you know, I like how she kind of is rude to, you know, she's like, you can tell she gets real carony because she's like, yeah, I mean, I love being outside with our fire groups. The forest limits what I do. I need more space. Now, these were some of the things that are real deal breakers for me, Lisa. And you knew that. Lisa's like, sorry. Yeah, you knew that. She doesn't literally say you knew that, but she says it in that tone, right? These were literally deal breakers for me,

Lisa. Hello, I am like a spiritual leader in this community, soon to be, and like you need to treat me with respect. So now we cut to Lori at a store with Jocelyn and Lori's trying on a scarf. And Jocelyn's like, I love that this scarf has all four directions on it. Lori's like, you're going to have to try a lot harder Jocelyn to get my ass than that. Four directions my ass. Doesn't every scarf have four directions on it? I mean, they're squares. Literally. Literally, it's what makes a scarf is scarf. It has corners. I guess that would be more She'll. Yeah.

So, um, Lori hosts women retreats. We know Linda. Okay? We know. Sorry, I was just telling my fellow narrator on the million dollar lottery show,

just because this woman's so ridiculous. Oh, gosh. So Lori's like, they're walking again because they walk everywhere they go here. And Lori, which is obviously not believable. I'm just wondering why they're not showing their vehicle. It's making me crazy.

I don't know why. So, um, They walk up to the house and Lori's like, oh my God, look, it's not log. She did it again. She referred to log as a genre in a casual. You're overly familiar with log. It's not log. I mean, at least, okay, can I at least get a modern log?

I mean, something. By the way, you said, why don't we see the car? Because Lori is the friend who says, like, Lori and Jocelyn are staying downtown house, probably, in a hotel. and Lori says, oh, we don't need to take a car. We can walk there. It's a quick walk. And then they get there three hours later.

And Jocelyn, one of her eyebrows has fallen off at this point. I don't know that that's a really walkable town. But yeah, I do like the image of Jocelyn showing up just completely missing an eyebrow finally. She's run ragged by Lori. You know that? And the entire walk, Lori's like, oh, look at that one. That's log. I like that.

That's log. That's log. That's log. That's log. That's not log. I don't like that. That's not log. So, no, it's not log, but there is stone. So this is a big place. It's stucco on the top and stone on the bottom. And Lisa's like, hi, guys, welcome here.

I have a really great house to show you today. We've got a really great ranch. Three bedrooms, three and a half pass, 3,200 squeat, square feet, 44 acres. Oh, my God, who lives like that? I'm so jealous. 44 acres. And Lori tells us, I'm excited to see this house, even though it's not a log style house. I love the setting and I love the views up here.

I'm like, it's got 44 acres. And then Lori walks in and she goes, look, it's wood and stone exactly the style I'm looking for. I'm like, you're in a ski town. And you're surprised to find wood and stone. Even the Walmart is like that ear. So, Lori, let's see. So they look at this house. In the entry, there's these stairs going straight down.

I don't love that. I don't love this one as much. It's a little more dated. It's still cool. Like, it's still above anything. It's a cool house. Yeah. It's still cool.

I'm trying to remember what it looks like. I'm blanking. Because I remember the first and the third. Why am I blanking on this one, though? This one was nice, though. Oh, I remember it now. This one was really nice, actually. It's similar in that it has a giant, like,

Florida ceiling. You know, it's got the triangular slope, and it's got the, floor to ceiling windows, you know, kind of like the 70s modern architecture. It's really neat. I mean, I think it's really pretty, but it's a little dated. It is. I felt like actually all the houses were a bit dated, well, especially the third one. I even thought the log happened, felt a little dated, like some of the showers and stuff. But maybe this was also filmed. This was season 143. So that was probably like 1997, because they've done 5,000 seasons.

Oh, yeah. But it did look, it did look a little dated. I agree. So they come in. It's got a great view. There's no neighbors, obviously. The kitchen was great. The kitchen was so tall. The ceiling was like massively tall in the kitchen. It was just like, it was like a beautiful, not beautiful, but it had the feeling of going

on like a ski vacation and staying in some lovely rental, you know, but I can't imagine living in it, but it was nice. And there is a big bathtub here. So she likes that and they go look at the main room. And she's like, well, this room. Lisa's like, this could be a room for Lily. Nor is it goes with the door that goes out on the deck. I mean, what are you doing here?

She's too young. What is she going to walk to a bar? Just. Maybe she's afraid of intruders or something. How about this, lock the door and take the key? Well, I took it because when my sister was looking, she's always like, my kids can't sleep right by the front door. They're going to be teenagers.

They'll be out of that, which I kind of get. But I just like the idea of a young kid sneaking out and just being stuck in the middle of the forest. Like you really showed them. You're going to walk like 10 hours to get to the liquor store. Also like, I hate to break it to you. If you put Lily in a room that doesn't have a door to the outside, if she wanted to break free, she probably knows how to get to the front door. I'm just going to put that up there.

She understands hallways. Yeah, maybe you're right. It's like closer to intruders or stuff. I don't know. Why am I taking this so seriously? But also they can just like the door. Yeah. I just feel like it just feels like it just.

felt like you're on 44 acres, so you're pretty secluded. Yeah. So let's see. So we see the view. And Justin's like, wow, that's perfect for a firewalk, isn't it, Lori? Perfect. And so then they go downstairs and there's like this big living space. It's almost like another apartment down there or something, but it's actually supposed to be

the primary bedroom. And Lori is like, by the way, I noticed something right out of the window. It's a firewalking area. And that is so beautiful. be able just to see that. Like, you know what I'm having a vision of women's groups and women's groups walking from the inside to the outside and then walking for a fire pit. Oh, my goodness.

It's so good. It's so good for women who retreat. We can go outside and firewalk. Okay. So, Jocelyn's like, oh, my God, this is such a good place for a retreat. So much versatility. And if you're not using the other bedroom, no.

You're not staying here, Jocelyn. Okay. Yeah. So then Lori, someone breaks. the news to Lori that this is actually supposed to be a bedroom, not like a living space. She goes, um, wait, it is. So then what about what about the bedrooms for the women's groups? Because women's groups are coming through. So we need a bedroom for the women's groups. Yeah. We need a bedroom for the women's groups. I'm like, you just got a bunch of cots, you know,

or you make it that everyone sleeps on the floor and it's like a women's group slumber party, Lori. Come on. Use your imagination. Yeah, it's weird because doesn't she say it's another master bedroom? and Lori's like, this won't work. Why won't it work? It's just another giant room. And you're all, I don't understand how you're having women retreats. When one of the room is for you, one of the room is for your daughter, you only have one room left. What kind of retreat is this?

Yeah, that's true too. Do they stay in another place? I don't believe her. They just put out mattresses and make it like a communal thing and then it all makes sense. So then wouldn't the big room make more sense for that, like to have a giant master? Yes. it would. It would make sense. It would be like a communal living situation. And like you just sell it. Sell it on your website. Like communal living where we can have a share like a single heartbeat together and like our breath is our dreams are like one. And our breath is our breath. And we share our breath as we share our dreams. And we're here by the fire. It's cold. Firewalking space. So Lori's like, well, congratulations, stupid. It's not a cliff. There's a place for firewalking. But this bedroom. That's just that's a big no for me. me. Okay, I don't have enough space for my women's retreats of women.

Sorry, Lori, that your shaman bath did not last long enough for you to realize you can just get a bunch of cots and put them into a room. Sorry, because it's just houses everything else you need. It literally has 44 acres of land. Yeah. So then I have talking with fire. What does that mean? Talking with fire.

John sounds like, are you starting to feel it? And Lori says, I don't even want to go back to. to New Mexico. I just want to stay here. Oh, they're talking around a fire, I guess, somewhere. And Laura's like, I don't even want to go back to New Mexico. I just want to stay here and have women's retreats. I mean, unless there's a plane that's a woman plane, I don't even want to get back on one. You know what I'm saying. Honestly, at this point, now that I've been in a house that's shaped like an eagle, I can only be on planes shaped like eagles. Or if someone could find a massively sized eagle that I can fly back to Tennessee, I'll be open to that too. But I can't, I can't do it anymore.

You need to fly on a woman eagle plane. So that's a woman that retreats. I don't want the plane to land. I want it to retreat from the sky as a woman. So it's a woman's plane to retreat. I'm not willing to go to a commercial airport. I will only fly from retreat to retreat. Okay.

Okay. So house number three. Lori's like, that looks like a mountain house. Well, that's nice. It's on the top of a mountain. And it's a house. The house is like, that looks like an idiot. it.

That looks like an eagle woman. The house is like, sorry, I'm not built to look like an eagle, but by any chance is a, as a Hershey bar, your spirit animal, because that's kind of my vibe. Is it a box of crackers? Okay? Because that's basically what's walking up here. Saltines. Have you ever seen a sleeve of saltines?

Can that be a spirit animal? Because that's kind of what I was based off of. So Lisa is like, hi guys. I'm really excited to show you this house. It's six bed, five baths. It's perfect for your retreat. Six bedrooms. How did you go from not finding anything over three bedrooms to finding a six bedroom for like half the price?

It's not half, but it's really low. It's like 925. What happened in this house? I know. And then, but like that's a lot. Like six bedrooms, five baths. And then she goes, and it sits on a little. little o for an acre.

And Lori goes, Oh, just do you expect any spiritual shaman to do. Oh, fuck this shit. She's like, yeah, that's not really what I wanted to see, but, you know,

I do love a stone fireplace. It's very shaman-y, and I'm a shaman, so women's to group. So, and Lisa's like, but it's got six bedrooms. If you actually cared about the people who were paying money

for your retreat, you'd actually give them beds. So there's that. Laura's like, fuck them. see Jocelyn right here? Does she look like she needs a bed? So Lori is like, I'm used to 44 acres and no one near me. So when I come, when I can see into someone's house, I'm just, I'm just not used to that.

Yeah, because there's a neighbor like right off there. When they go out to the balcony in the back, there's like a neighbor right there. Yeah. There really is in this one. But you do get a lot more bedrooms. And I think that people could actually sleep there. And most of the people coming here don't have 80, acres in their real life.

Like to them, they're going to see some forest trees and be like, oh, my God, this is totally worth it. I just got shaman. Yeah, the view is still wonderful. But I think that, I think for sure that Lori wants as part of the retreat, some sort of like naked spirit dance around like a bonfire or whatever. Yeah, for sure. So that's why she's like very upset about this.

So, but like, she's just so brady about it. She's like, I can't believe how close to that neighbor is. I mean, I'm like drinking coffee with my neighbor in the morning. She said that like five different times That's her favorite thing Like that's the worst thing in the world Oh my God It's like I'm having coffee with my neighbor

Yeah She is the only shaman Who does not apparently like human connection So let's see So they start looking around The kitchen's big And Lori's like you know Lisa this really isn't my style

Kitchen's nice Because it's kind of dated It's got wallpaper and stuff in it And well and all the fixture Everything in the house like clearly this looked like a elderly person who was here beforehand. Like this looked like some, a place that like someone lived for like decades, you know,

and now it's for sale. But the kitchen is actually very well updated. Yeah. Well, all Lisa really needed to say if she wanted to sell this one was the person who just passed was a woman and she passed from gathering. And she has retreated into the next dimension. She's still here. She's still here in the,

in the salmon tub. And by the way, when they're looking out at the view from the deck, Lori's like, well, I mean, look at this land. I mean, where would we do firewalking here? I mean, there's so many trees. You really can't do firewalking safely here at all. And Lisa goes, well, you know, you can just thin those trees out. She's like, yeah, I could do that.

I was like, so you're going to, like, actually murder more trees while exuling the virtues of logs. You're going to go completely destroy the environment that you're in. Like, that's against everything you stand for. It's like, you know what? Tear it down. So, you know, but this, and she also, by the way, she's like, this is not my style. And they're like, but this is $500,000 below your budget.

You can change out the wallpaper. Yeah, I think this was the smartest move. I mean, to be able to get this house and redo the whole thing with the 500 grand you have left, that would have been really sweet. You could have made all the rooms like little hotel rooms. Yes. You could probably create a space in the driveway for like a fire pit, like or firewalking. You can probably like have a designated space there. Yeah. And then we're still pretty big, I think. I thought for sure this is going to be the one that she takes because it's the cheap that the bedrooms have a functionality to it that the other houses don't.

It's also the cheapest. I was like, let's be honest. This shaman is not affording a $1.5 million house. Well, it depends on who she murdered. Okay. So now it's time to make a decision. The narrator, Linda, is like, Like nothing has or ever will make Lori happy. So she's going to have to settle. What's most important? What is she going to be least disappointed by in Lisa's voicemails? So then we see Lori sitting with Lisa for the deliberations. And Laura's like, Lisa, thank you so much for doing this with me.

Jocelyn had to go back home on account with the fact that she was an annoying bitch. Okay? So this is a really hard decision to make. Jocelyn had to go back home to her less shamani life. Jocelyn had to go back home because she heard that there was a sale on eyebrows at Michaels. But don't worry, we found a very high energy person to replace our realtor Lisa. So Lisa's like, thank you so much for being with me today. I'm really happy to be here and be your sounding board.

Oh my God, we break through boards. Please don't hit me again. Hold on. I just got a text from Jocelyn. She says, landed safely just in time for my shift at. the Sinebonds at the King of Prussia Mall. Great. So number one, Lori's like, oh my God, listen, my first thing is that, that was my dream. That was like my first dream.

The view, however, the land sucks. The neighbors too close to the hot tub, but I do love the windows. I mean, it's just nobody can really stay there. I don't know. Number one, I don't love it. But number two, ranch stuff. Wait, I have to interrupt. I'm sorry to interrupt.

has Lori mentioned yet on the show or is it later on that the eagle is her spirit animal? No, that's what I'm saying. That was like the big M-night Sharmelon twist. Oh, sorry, sorry. I think she thought she would give it away if she tells us too early on. Okay, sorry, sorry, sorry to ruin it for everyone listening. Okay, how's the-hearted? I already did.

I ruined it in the first five minutes, so we're good. So ranch style is the top of their budget. And she's like, we can fire a walk outside. I mean, I don't know where Lily's going to be comfortable, but fuck her, am I right? Hurry. House number three, super cheap, tons of bedrooms. But Laura's like, it's not my style. There's wallpaper.

I can't do anything about that. It's like the logs put on a dress, and I need my logs to be naked. So, okay, so we find out what she chooses, right? She chooses the log, number one. And she's like, I just have to. And then she tells us, yeah, the eagle is my spirit animal. So I just have to have that. What?

Just get an eagle statue on my other one. And how are you just telling us that now if that's your spirit animal? Cut to Jocelyn in Philadelphia at an actual Eagles game with like her face painted green and a foam finger. Sorry, I'm doing this for Lori. It's a spirit animal. Also, like, what a cliche spirit animal. I'm sorry. like having your spirit animal be like the lyric of a Steve Miller band song sorry so then we see a clip of Lori banging on one of those like drums from cost plus world market over some PA on this show that they put into a bed they're like okay Mandy get into that bed we need to shoot some B roll bit morey

so she's like I've been here two weeks I'm just blown away this is the perfect dream house for me it was 1.48 but I got it for one point four eight but I got it for one point 4-1. Yes, nailed it. God, thank God I don't have to do wallpaper. Now, I'm going to have to flatten the entire mountain and find a way to put a bathtub in here, but... You know, this was a dream to be able to purchase a house that's in the shape of my spirit animal. This house was built for me. It wasn't really built for the women who were going to be coming here. They're going to have no room to sleep and they're going to be uncomfortable and it's going to be drafty with all the logs. But you know what, though? Fuck them. It's the shape of my spirit animal. She's like, the other thing is I can't really do firewalking here.

So I'm just going to burn Jocelyn with cigarettes over and over to inspire all the women at my women's retreats with women. Yeah, and there's no place for like a shaman's bath, but I just decided to get a kiddie pool and put it in the driveway. So then she facetimes her kid Lily to tell her, we found a very special place for you, a very secret room behind a bookcase. No one's going to know you're there. And poor Lily, this kid's bangs just say no one is raising.

me. I mean, who did these bangs? It looks like she did them with her own safety scissors while Mommy was away. It was very anvil meets the little the little girl from Poulter guys. You know? Meets Poultry guys.

She's like, thanks, Mommy. She's like reading her script. Thanks, Mommy. I'm so excited for the room that I can hide out in when your strange friends come over and touch each other's but not on camera, Lily. That's too much. I know. And though you think it's

fishy. She's like, oh my God, I got the room with the secret door to hide Lily away in. Yeah, but by the way, it's beautiful house. Beautiful house. I just don't know if it's suitable or it's like logistical for women's retreats. I'm doubting for women's retreat thing because I think if it was if it was she was having to like lots of women over for these retreats obviously it would have been the six six bedroom and just redo it. Yeah. So I don't know how three bedroom. Like I said, the math isn't matter. It's a right off. I will say, wow, what an episode. Yeah. You know what I say, Lori, make that your primary residence and turn the Tennessee farm into the women's retreat.

Yeah. There's plenty of stuff you can do in Nashville. Freaking 88, dude. Yeah, a farm is spiritual, too. It doesn't have to be in Taos. Yeah. Well, but she doesn't have to be a house and taos. She's got a house and taos.

Women's retreats. House and Women's Retreats. house retreat women. All right, everybody. That brings us to the end of this dwell hello. Thank you, Lori, for giving us so much to talk about. That was super fun. That's in a beautiful house.

Congrats for giving us a very funny episode, but also having a beautiful house at the end of it. So that was a nice twist. All right, everybody. Thanks for being here. We will talk to you next time. Bye.