Watch What Crappens - Dwell Hello #324: High Ceilings for Highfliers

Episode Date: December 5, 2023

This week's Dwell Hello is about a pair of acrobats who want a non toxic house. Do they have a point or have they been dropped on their heads one too many times? Let's find out! This is House Hunters S147E01 and we watched it on MAX!Find bonus episodes at patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens and follow us on Instagram @watchwhatcrappens @ronniekaram @benmandelker Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Oh, and welcome to Dwell. Hello. I'm Ronnie, and that's Ben over there. Hi, Ben. Hi, Ronnie. How are you? Well, good. Welcome to Dwell. Hello, Ben. Our House Hunter's recap show. This is a recap of House Hunters season 14. Oh, no, that's wrong. Season 147, episode one. It's called High Ceilings for High Flyers. Wow. What do you think of that, Ben? Wow. I love it. And I have to say thank you to Nadia for giving us this recommendation this week. What an amusing recommendation this one was. I was sold by Nadia's pitch, which is basically like, it's someone who's like Shannon Bador, but she met her husband doing acrobatics. So I was like, I'm in. You know, I can take a Shannon Bador when they're a Shannon Bador because that's a very specific funny personality to me. like I don't care what she does. The crazier, the better. Also, I think it helps that she is like a gazillionaire.

So you're like, oh, rich lady problems. Like, well, I need to have an entire air conditioning system that doesn't have any bacteria or whatever. But when it's just this lady, no, this lady is not working. You're not rich enough to pull this off, ma'am, okay? And yes, you know what? Is that privilege? It sure is. This is complaining privilege.

You don't have it. You don't have complaining privilege. That's correct. And she's also incredibly hypocritical and in some cases, perhaps dumb. I just feel like, yeah, this woman, like, Shambador, I am entranced and enchanted by her germophobic tendencies. But this lady, I was like, oh, come on. She's a hypocrite. And I feel the same about these, like, these conservationalist types who are like, oh, my God, I'm like a controversy.

Now listen, am I into conserving and like saving the world? Of course. Do I want to drown in like warm ocean water? No, I don't. So I believe in like helping the world, saving the world. But I believe that this is like religion. When people talk about it too much, they're usually satanic. Okay? That's what I've learned. Super like spiritual people generally will not talk your head off about it for no reason. Only asshole sinners do. So shut up, lady. That's what I have to say as a as a starter. She says conservationists, I think, 300 times. Like, that makes her better than everybody else. You're literally wanting to rip out everything in homes and buy new stuff. So you're a hypocrite. That's what I call you. Right. I also really enjoy that she, this woman is really into like,

she's like a low-key environmentalist and into conservation, but she moves to Florida, which the government there, like, I would say, like, I'm not trying to be political, but I would not say Florida has a great track record in terms of climate change, et cetera. So good choice there. Good choice for you. So anyway, yeah, this one is high ceilings for high flyers. I watched it on Max. You said this, volume six, season 147, episode one.

So while we dive into it, shall we? Let's do it. And as usual, if you have problems finding this episode, just Google the title, High Sealings for High Flyers on Max, and you'll find it. Okay, so we start with some guy going, oh my God, This is absolutely gorgeous. I was like, oh my God, yay, gays. I was so excited.

And then the narrator's like, Rob and Lindsay are seeing how far their dollar goes and their new home state of Florida. And I was like, what? Lindsay, who's she? And then I immediately got mad that this wasn't a gay couple. I know.

Because then he goes, that's just the shower. This is a bedroom in D.C. I was like, huh? He knows what he loves and she knows what she hates. That we hear Lindsay. ego. Carpet is dirty, germy, and toxic mess. I hate carpet. Yeah. And we see the clip of the realtor, Brenda, saying, um, that's oil rubbed bronze. And then to going, um, from a toxicity

standpoint, I've heard horrible things. Fuck off. From a toxicity standpoint, you've heard horrible things about rubbed, shut the fuck up, lady. Bring me a gay. Okay, brush, Bronze toxicity. Okay, here we go. Oh, on Wikipedia. Bronze disease is an irreversible and nearly inexorable corrosion process that occurs when chlorides come into contact with bronze. It occurred. Oh, but bronze disease, I don't, it's not a bacterial infection, but the result of a chemical reaction with the chlorides. She's crazy. She's crazy. On Howes, someone said, oil rubbed bronze faucets, love or regret. see.

Is this some actual... By the way, bronze disease affects the bronze. It does not seem to affect humans. It says bronze disease typically affects isolated patches of the object. In severe cases, being visibly or tactilly raised bloom. But I was like, oh, my God, you can get a disease from bronze? It's like, no. The bronze gets a disease.

Yeah, I don't trust this lady. I'll tell you that much. So they walk along the beach with a little baby. And we see them looking at other houses and the opening clips and stuff. And the narrator's telling us they also have one unique must have on their list. What is it, Rob? And he's like, do you think that ceiling is high enough? And she's just possibly, let's test it.

So he lifts her up and she touches her shoe to the ceiling. You know, your dirty-ass shoes are fine to put on someone else's ceiling, but you hate germs. You know what? I do not like this person. I don't like her. Yeah. Can you tell? Why am I so angry at five?

minutes into this recap. I honestly don't know, but this lady did it, Timmy, Lindsay. Not sure also why acrobatics need to be performed inside the home, especially if you're moving to Florida, where the weather is beautiful most of the time. So go outside. And by the way, while you're throwing Lindsay around, I just want to put bets out. I'm rooting for the alligator. You know, me too. Me too. Um, so they're like walking around and he's like, babe, isn't this gorgeous? And then he says, I'm Rob. And I'm Rob. And I'm, I'm a cybersecurity security architect. And then we actually see him at work.

It was sort of surprising. Like they actually had like a B-roll footage of him like speaking at like a podium. And they had like gotten people in ties that were sitting and listening to him. It was not what I was expecting. Really? What did you expect a cybersecurity expert? Well, because normally on this show someone says, I'm a cybersecurity expert and we see them ordering coffee somewhere. Or like like holding up an orange at a grocery store.

I remember a few weeks ago, we got to actually see the clown doctor, which I loved in Australia. She's like, I'm a clown nurse for children who were sick. And then sure enough, they're like, and guess what Patty got? She got to be a clown doctor. She's so excited. She was auditioning. Then they showed her just coming into sick kids rooms being like, oh, I'm your clown doctor. And they're like, oh, Jesus Christ.

Why would you come into the room of somebody who cannot physically run? This is unfair. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. By the way, I lied. We saw the footage a little bit later in the episode. So I apologize for announcing the all-important Rob and its high standing out of podium footage two minutes before it actually airs. And Rob is telling the baby, do you want to come with your big sister to the beach?

Yeah, we're going to come with her. You're moving out of state from your child, sir. So, which I mean, I guess that people do. But I was like, stop rubbing it in the poor sisters. knows, you know, look where we are, the beach. I feel like if you're leaving a kid in a different state or something, you need to be like, it's so sad without you. Don't get footage of you walking on a damn beach.

Why don't you just shoot this whole thing at Disney World, you jerk? Yeah. So, Rob has a 13-year-old daughter named Kayla. And then they also, Rob and Lindsay have a one-year-old daughter named Kaya. So Kaya and Kayla, I'm mad. I don't like this. We need to, like, it's one thing if you name your twins, like, Kaya and Kayla.

I already don't like that. I think it's just, like, it's too cute. It's too, like, it's annoying, you know? But, like, when they're 13 years apart, it's Kayla and Kaya. I don't know. This is a recipe for disaster. Well, I like the original plan for the older kids name. Lindsay's like, we have Kaya, and then he has an older daughter.

We call her toxic. But also, I don't know that they're moving out of state from the daughter. I don't even know why I said that. I think I was wondering that at the beginning because I was like, why don't we see the older daughter? Where is the older daughter? I started getting very defensive for parents from the previous relationship or from kids from the previous relationship. I got very defensive for that.

I don't know why. I don't know. All I know is we don't really see her until the end. And then they keep saying, and don't forget, we need a room for toxic too. Toxic. Bronze fixture over there. You know, the other thing is, those poor kids, the rest of their lives, it's going to be like, oh, so you're Kayla and you're Kayla?

No, I'm, I'm sorry, I just keep on getting confused. So you're Kayla and you're Kayate. And they're going to have to go through that rigamarole every single time they meet someone. Oh, my God. I can't even get upset because I'm from, the place I'm currently living in in Texas is just like so. There's a lot of schools and stuff, and there's just like a, a lot of white people, you know, which is fine. I'm not being like, I'm, I'm half white. So I'm not being racist, but white people names are so stupid. Like, they're literally so stupid. I've met so

many stupidly named children. You know, it's like, Brooke, Brookstream, or like, let me try and think of a real one I've met. There's just a lot of dumb ones. Like, Halen, you know, what is that? Is it currently dropping ice outside? What are you talking about? It's Halen, but it's like H-A-Y-L-O-N-E, you know? Why? Why are you doing that? People are always trying to reinvent the wheel with names. You don't have to.

You don't have to. So then Lindsay tells us, she goes, I'm originally from Hawaii. And I like to refer to myself as a lipstick hippie, which means from the outside, people wouldn't guess that I have any sort of alternative lifestyle. But I'm actually the one that's concerned with being healthy. I'm like, that's not a lipstick, like a lipstick lesbian. means someone who presents as a lesbian because they're doing it, they're like presenting that way, but they deep down, they actually are not lesbians at all. So a lipstick, isn't that a lipstick lesbian?

No, that's not what a lipstick lesbian is silly. A lipstick lesbian is like a super girly lesbian. It's like a lesbian who's not like a stereotype. Like it's a lipstick, like someone who wears like makeup, like looks real girly, you know, which is probably a very problematic term at this, at this point. in our history, but that's what it means. Oh, I, so I thought, okay, that makes sense. I thought, like, lipstick lesbian met someone who, like, puts on the lipstick, puts on the veneer of, like, I'm a lesbian and, like, is excited to, like, kiss other girls, but, like, deep down, that's not really who she is.

But I'm seeing her own Wikipedia. That's what we call it. That's someone on their fourth season of the real housewives. That's kids all sick. Does every one of my best friends in our 20s. Okay. Yeah. But this girl, yeah, she's a lipstick.

Now, do you think this is coded language? Because at first, I did get viz from the guy. I also know we're not supposed to say that these days. But guess what? I said it. So take me down. But do you think they're being coded? I don't think these people operate on a level of being able to code, even though he does

in cybersecurity. That's the only coding he knows. It's a cybersecurity. I don't think they know. Because I started wondering, I'm like, maybe they just decided, listen, neither one of us are happy, but we met each other doing acrobatics. Like, literally, you can carry me and you like to carry things. So, why don't we just get married? So, so potentially they are like lipstick, straight people in my definition of lipstick, which is the fake one, which is the wrong one that I almost

grilled her for. So Rob says, and for me coming from deep South Alabama, my idea of everything being healthy, everything vegan, everything non-GMO, super organic. It's kind of crazy and weird. Some would say it's kind of queer. If you know what, I mean, coded. Code. Oh, my God. I'm reading your code. So Lindsay's like, yeah, basically I have to cook a separate meal for him. And he laughs. And I just love that that's Lindsay's thing. She's like, okay, well, here's what me and the kids are eating. And here's what you're eating, you fucking loser. Here's your meat. But then they cut to them eating a tiny little plate on a tiny little couch and they're like a plate of brownies and cookies. So I'm not really understanding where this lady's coming from.

Well, guess what? It's been a big year for Rob and Lindsay. After dating for three years, they got married, had a baby Kayla. Oh, I'm sorry. Kaya. It's so easy to confuse. And they made a big move from Washington, D.C. to not Australian Melbourne, Florida. Oh, yeah. Here's what all tell every app. Gregorabella. I see, get the fuck away from me. Real housewives of Melbourne. Geneer. So Robb goes, I had a once in a lifetime job opportunity that I couldn't refuse in Melbourne.

It involved me standing at a podium talking to three men wearing shirts from Van Huesen. Couldn't turn it down. This was crazy because they say, he says, I have a job offer, I can't refuse. And then they showed him, was he on the local news playing with the weatherman toys? That's what it looked like, right? I just can't imagine being in cybersecurity and there being an opportunity outside of Washington, D.C. that could be ever bigger than anything in Washington, D.C. for cybersecurity.

I don't know, but I always think it's funny when people go to a new place, they're like, oh, my God, where we're from, this would have been a postage stamp. That's what we can afford. Because I feel like everybody in this town looks at you like, well, you fucking idiots. Well, thanks for announcing how stupid you are to ever live in a postage stamp. When you get all this in lovely mail, Melbourne, Florida. Guess what we have in Florida?

Square footage. Guess what we also have? A lot of hacked machines. All right, the cybersecurity is not as great, but God, the square footage is. It's like, well, I was working at the NSA at a very high level, but an opportunity opened up at the best buy of Melbourne, Florida, so we decided to move there. I couldn't turn it down because I didn't want to live in a post stamp anymore. And Lindsay's like, well, we really miss crazy city life, but it wasn't really conducive to raising a family.

And so the narrator, Linda, is like, well, here, they're discovering a different kind of sticker shock. And Lindsay's like, ow, I got a sticker. It was a toxic sticker. It was a toxic sticker. Actually, you could hear Linda, I felt like you could hear some relief in Linda's voice. Because when she goes, it's a different kind of sticker shock. Because normally people come on these shows and they're like, I want to pool. I want to have four bedrooms.

I want to have new appliances. I want to have an open concept. And I want to have close to the center of town, but I want to be on a secluded street, and my budget is $900. And now, I'm just like, whoa, these people actually want to spend money. This is a weird thing.

I don't know what to do with myself right now. Well, if they can only agree on style, as neither one of them seems to have any. Let's see what they do. And Rob's like, I want ranch style. I don't like stairs. And Lindsay's like, well, I don't really prefer the look of the ranch. Also, ranch dressing is not vegan.

So I'm really against the whole idea. I do like Mediterranean-style homes with big arches, warm earth tones. I like it to be warm and inviting and warm, but not too warm because that's where germs grow. Gross. Germs are gross. Can I have a house without germs? Thanks. By the way, what sort of acrobat doesn't like stairs?

Isn't it acrobat like about going up? Going up things? Like, does he just want to climb humans? She's like, I don't like stairs. I only like ladders. Human ladders specifically. Don't you want to get their leg muscles primed up, you know? Like, use those stairs to help out your craft there, sir, right?

They're park acrobats. They're not like real acroats. You know, it's like when people do plays in the park. It's just not as good. Shut up, I've done that. I was Charlie Brown at the Zillow. Yeah, the Zillow Summer in the Park series. That was great.

It was like my claim to fame. So shut up. I was being tongue and cheek, actually. So get your tongue out of my cheek. So Lindsay goes, I'm really hoping to stay on the low end of our $450,000 budget. Sorry, that was Linda saying. There's Linda and there's Lindsay. And it's very confusing.

Lindsay is hoping to stay on the low end of their $450,000. thousand dollar budget so she has room for the pricey upgrades that she wants although based on this episode i'm not sure she wants upgrades or she wants to take everything out of these places you just watch let's see what she spends all that extra money on money down that it's not a blouse because wow wow lindsay just wow so we see lindsay and bill whatever the fuck his name is in some restaurant and she goes now i know this seems like a hippie place but i think you'll like some oh my god Shut up with your, like, I'm a vegan, but I married a non-vegan, and now I'm going to constantly try to get him to eat cashew cheese.

Wackily. Yeah. Why I saw they had giant crystals? They had giant crystals on the bar. They were sitting at the bar, but there were giant crystals that were, like, plugged into something. And Lindsay goes, I would describe myself as an environmentalist germaphobe. So I'm looking for a bunch of specific things like non-toxic paint.

I'm like, yeah, because everyone loves toxic paint. And, you know, non-toxic egotxic. laminate. Also, all carpet is extremely toxic and I want automatic, by the way, I want automatic faucets because normal faucets spread germs when people touch them and turn them on and off and on them off. So I'd rather not have touching.

So you're an environmentalist who would prefer to have an electric version of something that is like 95% available, not electric. Exactly. And you also want to rip out all of the faucets and get rid of them. That is like the most wasteful thing of it.

That is so modern. an electric version of something. Yes, that is so modern-day do-gooder. Like, oh. And you know what? You know who has those fucking faucets? Like public restrooms? They're disgusting.

I hate those stupid things. Wash your fucking faucet. How about that? Or do what the rest of us do. And use the back of your wrist to push the faucet open. It's a standard move. What you do is you get the faucet. Don't get the ones with the knobs.

Get the ones with a thing with your wrist. And then you wash your. your hands and then when you touch the faucet again, your hands are clean, you dingbat. Also, you know what is an actual germ machine? A baby. So maybe you drop that. Like, get rid of that. Like, what are you doing? We were walking around with an actual snot factory right now, complaining about how you have to touch a fucking doorknob. Guess what I have to touch. Whatever table, your kid just left it snod all over. Yeah, you're an environmentalist, but a germaphobe. You know where germs come from the environment. So are you going to either embrace

nature or are you going to run from it? Because I guarantee all the stuff you're spritzing everywhere and all of your, all of your like constant use of like sterilizing things are not going to be great for the environment. I'm actually rooting for global warming at this point. I'm like, drown her. Drow her. You know what I mean? I'm like, how quickly can you raise the oceans in Melbourne? She says brand new materials are very toxic and take a while to off gas, but she also wants a walk-in closet. So she wants to be a conservationist, but she also wants a closet that's

making enough for her enormous amount of clothing that she is supporting, and I'm sure some of it is fast fashion, too, by the way. Well, don't worry. Rob has his needs, too. And Rob's like, I love a range hood. Because, you know, I mean, she cooks a lot, and I love

her cooking. Love to eat it. God, I hate the smell. Have you ever smelled cashew fermenting in water? It is Wow. It's very important to me to make sure we have a device that takes all of the chemicals in our kitchen

and spits them out into the air. And of course, you know, I want a yard for my daughter's that has a pool. Because it's Florida, it's like against a lot to not have a pool. And you know what conservationists all have. Big tanks of water with tons of chemicals in them that are not biodegradable.

Oh, God. Well, to be fair, he is not the conservationist. She is, but still, it's like... Still, she should say, I'm a conservationist. We're not getting a fucking swimming pool. Are you crazy? That goes against every single thing, I believe. And if you don't want to be married to a conservationist, don't be married to a conservationist.

One thing that they can agree on is that they're both idiots. And here's another thing they can agree on. They want high ceilings. Very high ceilings. The sort of high ceilings that are reserved for two idiots, you want to be able to be. to climb on top of each other and spin around in their living room on a daily basis. So Rob's like, ha, ha, okay. He was one of those people.

He goes, ha. He's like, Corey from Winterhouse. He's like, but it's not Batman. He's just like, Lindsay and I met when I was doing acrobatics in the park in D.C. Gross. That is disgusting. Don't hit on fucking guys throwing people up in a park. I mean, what are you expecting? Are you really expecting a happy life?

If I, I just can't imagine me like, hey, bro, what you doing today? Nothing. Why do some acrobatics in the park? Yeah, bro. Or just walking, walking through the park and seeing somebody doing acrobatics in the park and being like, you know what? I'm going to go talk to that guy. Ew. I think I, in general, would never want to talk to anyone doing something active in a park. If someone's like painting, I'd like, oh, hi, what are you doing? But if someone's doing Ultimate Frisbee or Acrobatts or just like running, I'm like, I'm not going up to them.

Me neither. Yeah, it's gross. So Lindsay's like, well, I got curious. So then I tried doing acrobats and then we ended up doing Acro together. So we want high ceiling so we can do more acro at home. I say acro. Yeah, Acro is what they say. We're doing Acro at home.

I'm a pro now. But why do they have to do it indoors? Literally had a baby with an acro. So that's where we do it. Okay, well, they're, to start, their agent, Caroline Manzo has lined up a one and a half story house built in 2004. Brenda Burton is like such a Brenda Burton. I don't know how to say. Also, this lady puts her bare feet on the ceiling again, the lady who hates germs, mind you.

So, yeah, so we meet Brenda, who's in a very, she has severe short hair and a little marrower. Roon skirt suit. I'm trying to figure out what cartoon character she looks like, but it's definitely like the boss's secretary in the 50s. He was like very stern. Rosie from the Jetsons decides to like get a job, like outside of cleaning. Like she's, Rosie from the Jetsons is like, I want to enter the workforce. So, um, so they go up to the house number one and Rob is like, well, it's definitely not a

ranch style home. but never said it was Mr. Jetson So but of course it has arches Why is Rosie driving the car? Listen, I got a lead on Indeed.com So, Rob And then Rob was like, oh, looks like it has a second story though. That's a flex space, Mr. Jetson,

more a bonus room. So you've got four bands, three bands on the bottom, and Lindsay is going to love the price, cheap asshole. It's $399,000. So they go inside and everything is sort of like a blah yellow. It's just like a meh yellow and there's like brown tile everywhere. And it's just like deeply generic. It's deeply terrible.

It is an offensive yellow. And that tile is like faux, it looks like faux painting, you know, where it's like, oh, we're going to make it look like stone or whatever, but it's tile. And Rob's like, I wouldn't even know how to use this space. Okay, it's an entrance. It's a little conversation. What do you mean? You don't know how to use the room.

It's your front room. Fucking idiot. And then there's like this big random table there that's just like this ugly table. And they're like, oh my God, I love this table. Is this something that we can negotiate? Is this come with it? Like, no, you have to negotiate for the table. I was like, really, you can negotiate for this piece of shit table?

It's like a $100 table. Can we please give me a break? And Brenda's like, okay. well, you don't know how to use this room? Well, some people use this front room as a front room to sit. But then some people flip it around and use that room over there to sit down. And then this room for a dining. Like, am I really teaching you what rooms are right now in a house?

How many things could you use it for, babe? Okay? It's a front room. There's two rooms in here. And then Lindsay's like, well, I'm seeing a pool outside, but I don't see any yard. And you know, Brenda's like, yeah, well, that's because we're inside. So why don't we wait until we go. outside and then you'll see windows are part of walls which kind of things so why don't here you're a

conservationist why don't you conserve your judgment until we actually go outside you know what you're littering right now words can we just it's conserve our speech okay there's been some climate change as in you've made this climate incredibly toxic for me okay so please stop talking and I like that Rob is defensive like he doesn't even know how to use the front room at this house but now he wants it because Lindsay doesn't. So he's like, we haven't even looked outside, babe. Maybe there is a yard. And so, but first they go to the primary and it's big, but there's no floors because there had been a stain. And so the seller's going to let them buy a floor within a certain range. Yeah, it was from an acrobat's accident. So, you know, yeah, I thought it was good for you guys.

Now, listen, I don't want this resolved because I love listening to mediocre people. bicker. Is there anything else you want to argue about? Wow. Well, they're like, she's like, well, I'm glad it's not carpet because you know what? Carpet is a dirty, germy toxic mess. And however, I'm a little worried that I would replace it with, you know, the devil that you know versus the one you don't know. I just need a sustainable and non-toxic option. I was like, oh, yeah, because I was thinking, I was going to propose, why don't you have a floor made of asbestos, but maybe we should go non-toxic. Of course non-toxic. Who is purpose of getting toxic floors.

What is happening on this show? So they see his and hers closets, and Lindsay's like, these are smaller than I was hoping for, which, you know, again, yay, excess, conserve. So then there's a big jetted tub there, and Lindsay's like, oh, my God,

this. Water conservation, great. Yeah, Lindsay's like, oh, my God, this whole tub is the size of our bathroom at DC. Yes, can't wait to soak in the water that we don't need. And Brenda goes, wow, like, you think this is the first? I've heard this before. We're in the land of McMansions.

So then they go, and then there's like a TV room that has a disgusting brown leather couches in them. And then Rob's like, but what about the ceilings? Do you think they're high enough? So then they do it again. He lifts her up and her foot hits the ceiling. And Brenda's just watching them like, you fucking idiots. You can't eye it at this point?

You know what I mean? Like, I can eye it and tell you it's not high enough for you to be lifted up above someone's head and kicked. Kicked. Okay? I can tell you that right now. And then she kicks the ceiling and he goes, oh my God, how limiting. Go out doors. Go in the street.

I can go outside, bro. So then we see a guest bathroom, another bright, smiley, yellow face color. and Lindsay's like, oh my God, you hate yellow. And he goes, yeah, this is like stupid bride, which is why we met in a park while I was doing fucking acrobat. Shit. I know.

And then there's a room that's like bright purple. I mean, everything in this house, it actually just keeps getting worse. Normally of these tours, it's the initial impression is always like, this is terrible, but then, oh, there's some cute stuff. But it's terrible. So they finally go out to the back and there's this pool.

It's one of those backyards. It's mainly all cement. and Lindsay doesn't want a pool because she just doesn't want the upkeep and there's a safety issue which I think is like one of the few legitimate things

that she says but then she goes well I like the cute little dolphins in the bottom oh and it's enclosed at the screen which I think is genius lady have you looked around your neighborhood you're in Florida

everyone's pool is enclosed in the screen she's acting like this is an innovation with this household yeah or you'll get murdered by alligators and whatever else is out there's a lot of stuff in Florida that'll be weird

shit. So then we go to the kitchen and Rob's like, oh my God, there's no vented hood. But this is bigger than we have in D.C. And he's like, but I do have to smoke cashew cheese. Please. What do I do? So then there's like this bonus room. There's like one small room upstairs. And Rob's like, I don't know. It's stairs for one room. One room out of this big house, this big McMansion that has five rooms downstairs. He's like, I'm going to get a nosebleed. From the height, you literally do acrobat. Like, I don't understand you people.

So then Lindsay goes, yeah, and we're going to need new carpet because this room is like a Britney Spears song. Toxic. Just put up a door and don't go up there, okay? Just like, or send Kayla up there. She's going to love it, just being away from you too. So now there's more rooms. This house tour goes on forever, by the way.

This first house, There's like a room that is super red. And maybe this is the bonus room. But ultimately, they're basically, Lindsay's worried about the pool being safe. They're worried about putting in new floors. But the price is. She's basically like, well, we'd have to get new carpets, new floors. I mean, I guess the price is great.

I love Brenda. She goes, you're never going to get what you want. Would you buy a house? You have to do what you do when your clock is ticking. And the first bed you see is doing it. acrobatics in the park, you compromise. So then now they're like in their apartment and Lindsay is standing on Rob's feet.

You know, practice the acro. Rob and Lindsay are recent transplants to Melbourne, Florida from Washington, D.C., where they got hooked on the sport of partner acrobatics and then annoyed all their friends ever since. So today, while Lindsay's at home, with their baby, Kaya. Brenda puts on another severe Florida suit and takes Rob to check out a house,

his wife will hate. So you're not going to both show up to see the house? Why are you allowed on house hunters? I don't want one of you at a time. What the fuck is this? Have Brenda carry the goddamn baby. I don't care. Bring the baby, okay?

I mean, we've seen this before where sometimes someone can't join for a house, but usually a friend subs in, but here's just, there was just no Brenda. I mean, no Lindsay. So this house is built in 1991, and it's like really tall. And it's like a two-story house. And Rob's looking at it goes, this is huge.

How many floors is it? 45 floors, Rob. It's a fucking skyscraper. Okay. Count the number of windows you see. Do you see two windows on top of each other? It's two floors, Rob. Two floors.

So it's like, well, I know Lindsay would like a second level, but it's going to be hard pressed for me to say yes on this house. She said there's two floors. floors. I never would have guessed. So then we go in and there's like a herringbone floor and it is a very 1999 house. I mean, listen, hearing bone. I like herringbone in general. Not here, not how it's done here. This is just very bad herringbone tile that's already like pre would pre molding molded a hair and it's just not a good color and it's the entire house. Everywhere. And now when Ronnie says the entire house, it's not like, oh, it's like the, it's like every floor, but has even parts of walls that

have it on it. Did you notice that? They put it on the wall. They put it on like an accent wall, like a chimney thing. Also, this is one of those places that does a double level for no reason. Like, they'll have high ceilings, but instead of just having high ceilings, they do all these, like, beams that are actual floors. I guess you can put plants on top of them or something. Yeah. Maybe it's a support, but it was, it was weird. Or maybe it was always like a two-story home and then they opened it up or something to make something tall. I don't, I don't know. I feel like this was that time period when people were like, look, there's like a floor that you just put decorations on and everyone can see it. Yeah, it was just like lots.

It was strange. But Rob, Rob likes all the windows and likes the flow. There's granite countertop in the kitchen. There's a sort of generic metal sink. And then then Brenda's like, oh, well, you know what? She's probably going to want a new faucet. And, but there's no, there's no hood, which is, what he really wants.

Yeah, he's really, I mean, they come up with something new on this show all the time. Like, who ever says that? What do you mean? There's no vented hood. And what the hell is Lindsay cooking in there? I have to know. I would like to know what is so terrible that he can't smell. So then there is a big, so they go out to the yard, the yard is big, and then Rob goes,

oh, I love the outdoor grill. And they cut to this grill that's like half rusted over. Yeah, this dirty, like, basic. Lowe's grill, like from the cheapest section, you know, the builder's grade. And then Brenda goes, oh, we call this an outdoor kitchen. That's an outdoor kitchen. That is a grill that's outside, Brenda. With Rust Marks out of, could they at least have tried to spruce up the grill before it went on TV? I mean, come on now. She goes, and there's a green space and a golf course. Well, yep, that's typically how golf courses work. And he's like, but you know what? I'm worried because behind us is a busy

street. And she's like, yeah, it'll be calm at night. I love Brenda. I love Brenda's form of sales where she's just like, no, who cares? They're like, Brenda, it's busy. She's like, I don't care. Brenda, I want a hood. And she's like, want less. Like, what do you want for me? But also, like, will that street be really so obnoxious to them? It's not, they're not on the street. It's just going to sound like white noise. Yeah. And it's also behind them. Like, the kids can't just wander out into traffic. You know, that's their back. I don't know.

I mean, I guess I get it, but they're from D.C. too. You know, also, I'm just not going to agree with anything this couple sets. I'm not. I'm not going to, yeah. Another issue that he has is that there's a living space that he thinks is too small. And it is on the smaller side, but to me, it sort of reads like a den because it's off the kitchen. I feel like one of the front rooms is also a living space.

So, um, I just want to say, go fuck yourself because it's perfectly not. Go fuck yourself. Dress. I'm so mad. I'm mad. I'm mad. So there's a big closet. And Lindsay would love that.

And there's another closet. Oh, my God. Is there a hood in the closet? I need, I need to ventilate closets. There's their ventilation here. And Rob's like, this might sell it for Lindsay. And then they go upstairs. There's a guest room.

But the windows are really low, so it would be bad for the baby. Yeah, he goes, I'd be worried about Kaya in here. Can she reach the locks? Because the locks are about five feet up from the floor, sir. Have you thought about putting something in front of the window? Or what about just using a different room? Because we see another room that has windows at a normal height. Yeah, and this is a five bedroom.

I'm like, okay, you're going to survive this. And so is Kaya. So then there's two guest rooms and a bath and a big room with French doors. And she's like, well, you should reconsider this, you should be considered that Dabstay's master. And he's like, well, it is bigger than I thought it would be. And it has a balcony. and they overlook the balcony.

And she's like, look at that. A great view of the golf course. Have you ever wanted a view of a golf course? Why do people like that? Yeah. I don't, I mean, it's nice. I would not say it's something on my bucket list and be like, I have to have a view of a golf course.

I would be happy with it. I tend to be happy with almost any view except I don't love like another building right in front of my window, which is sort of like what it is back here, which you can't see because there's a green screen. But, you know, A golf course, but I would never be like, I need to have a view of the golf course. Like, I want to see a bunch of, like, old men puttering, literally puttering along.

Right. Here's what I want. A bunch of older guys avoiding home. Can I get a view of that? I would be in it, though, if I saw, like, a goose chasing someone. I'd be like, yes, it's, if there's, like, an angry goose on the golf course. Oh, actually, you know what, though? In Florida, the one thing with Florida is I feel like there's always videos of Allie

Yeah, alligators. So I'd be in it for the alligator parade. Yeah, me too. Those are really good videos. Alligators on the golf course. And people don't even care. They're like, whatever. And the alligators don't even care either.

I love that everybody's just starting to live together like that, the alligators and the golfers. I don't want to normalize alligators, though. So that's why I'm not going to live in Florida. So Rob is basically like, he's concerned about the living space on the first floor. And obviously there's stairs, God forbid. And, uh, but he was, he does like the, the, the tall ceilings. So then there's seagulls and Rob's playing in the sand with his baby and his wife. Rob and Lindsay moved in with her small daughter to Melbourne, Florida.

Let's not talk about the older one. She smells. Rob needs a vent hood just to get the smell of her house. So, so now for house number three, today with Rob at work, or should I say, say quote unquote, work, whatever he does. Brenda is showing Lindsay a less expensive option that might be a compromise for both. I'm like, wait, so Rob's not on this one? What sort of episode is this? And also, at that point, I'm like, well, it's blatantly obvious.

They're going to choose house number one, right? Because that's the only one they went and saw together. Yeah. And she's, she's, Brenda's like, okay, look at this. And now it's under construction, but it's almost done and it's brand new. And Lindsay's like, oh my God, I hate it. brand new things, Brenda. But I do love one story and I love Mediterranean stuff.

This has arches. Yeah, I love the arches. I feel like I'm in Tuscany except that's only an arch and everything else about this looks extremely like Florida. So then the price is also cheap, which Lindsay loves. And so they go in and Lindsay's like, oh my God, the price is so cheap. I can't believe it's so low. And Brenda's like just like your standards.

I mean, you know, compromising is important in life, but don't compromise too much. girl. And then again, there's another big platform for no reason in this house. And Lindsay's like, oh my God, is this ceramic tile that looks like wood? Because I did some research on non-toxic options. And this was one of my top choices. So Lindsay's a, I did some research person, by the way. So congratulations to everyone who had to listen to her conspiracy theories about who knows what over the past two or three years. Because you know, well, I've been doing my research. So, because you know, You know she's doing that. Yeah, that's what, that's what concerns.

That is like a big conspiracy theory thing. And I can go in any direction. C.Oils. Do your research. I've been doing my research about bronze. Okay, there's such a thing as bronze disease. It mainly affects bronze and not humans, but you never know. You know, like when people order, when people order oiled bronze fixtures,

there's certain websites that name them after children and you get a box of children. to your research. Has bronze been around literally since a period of time that we call the Bronze Age? Yes. Has it really not affected humans? Yes.

But am I the only one who knows it's actually really toxic and we should be scared of it? Yes. Boobonic plague, toxic faucets. Do your research. So

so then they So Lindsay actually likes this tile. So it's actually a good thing. And Brenda's like, oh, thank God. And then they go into a room and that could be like, it's a library or media room. And it can also be an office. I like that Lindsay didn't even understand it. She's like, what would this, what's this room?

Brenda's like, I mean, library office? I don't know. What's your house? I'm like, what are you an idiot? What is wrong with you too? She's like, okay, so there's a kitchen. And then there's a room right off the kitchen. And what would you call it?

It's a family room, Lindsay, okay? And this space with the sink in the oven, what would you call this? It's a kitchen. And I just said it two seconds ago. She's like, oh, my God, this is massive. We could do lots of acro in here. Love the countertop. We could put bar stools there.

Yeah, Lindsay, Lindsay's real quick. This one. It's like a bar. Wow, we could put bar stools there. And she goes, yeah, you know, the faucet is nice. It would be ashamed to replace a new faucet, but I would consider it. You know what? sometimes you just got to say, fuck the earth, am I right?

I'm a sort of conservationist that just immediately tears out brand new things for places to see with other new things. They look at a bathroom, and this is like the one room we've seen all episode that actually looks sort of nice. It has like subway tile. And of course, she goes, ew, I don't like that. That's too busy. Subway tile is not too busy.

I know. And then she sees the ground tiling. She goes, ooh, white grout. that might get dirty. I mean, it's a bathroom. Clean it. You know what I mean? And also, she goes,

the backyard's a decent size, but it looks into a parking lot. And Brendan goes, it's a quiet commercial business. You think they want to look in on you? Okay? These people are trying to sell dresses. I think I would love to look at a parking lot.

The amount of people watching would be fantastic. You get to see who people, you start to recognize people. And then they, you know they're going to get up to things in that parking lot. They're going to either be gossiping. They might be making out.

Stuff's going to happen in that parking lot. I'm in. Perfect. So Lindsay's like, this house is large. And as far as it being clean, I mean, it's very clean. But you know what? It's just sterile, which suddenly I don't like. It's weird.

I hate germs, but I also hate sterile things. It's like that's literally been all you've been talking about is you want things to be sterile. Now she's on an anti-sterility complaint. She goes, for me, it doesn't feel. I was like, have you, what about any of the other houses? None of these feel homey. These are just like generic, personality-free walls that you're walking in. Yes.

They really are. They're like strip mall houses, you know, they all have that like box. They're just a box with some, you know, cheap-o Adobe over them. Not Adobe, but you know what I mean. Stucco. Yeah, stucco. So, now they're talking about stuff. It's time to decide.

So Rob's like, well, you know, you know, that house is okay. I don't like the stairs of the first house because, oh, my God, I can get a noseplate. So many stairs. And, you know, I liked all the other rooms were on the first floor. Plus, the ceilings were high enough

for some of our acro, but, like, not all of our acro. So let's talk about number two. And she's like, I mean, if you stick to organic, it comes out easy, squeezy, lemon peasy. Well, actual number two. The second house, Lindsay. I'm not giving up meat.

I just, by the way, I just love that his big issue with house number one is I didn't like the stairwell with a flex space. I know, but I had to get to a poop joke. No, I know. I know. I saw that, but I just think it's so funny. It's such a specific thing. We've heard people say, like, I want, like, a one-story house.

But, like, when the whole house is one story, there's one room that's up a staircase. I don't like a staircase. It's gross. Sterecases are disgusting. So house to, who house? Can we just get a house with a second floor that we have to, like, toss each other up into? So how's to. Rob is like, it's turnkey

and we don't have to fix or change anything. It doesn't have all the bedrooms you were looking for. Can we do acro? You actually can do a lot of acro in there. Is there bronze? Perhaps. So she goes, okay, well, can we talk about the house that I saw because that one's only 735?

And he goes, but the views of the parking lot, right? And she goes, but the bedrooms are on one floor and bed style plus a hood. It's a hood and arches. It's basically McDonald's. But the entire house was like a bland gray, as opposed to the other house, which was, you know, bright red and bright yellow and bright purple. I don't know. It just felt sterile to me.

Oh, so sterile. This really is going to be hard. And so I say number three. I like the newness, the cleanness, the not yellowness. That's what I say personally. What do you say? Yeah, house number three would have been my choice. I also liked it.

I mean, it is a bummer that they didn't have a pool, but also, like, you don't have to worry about alligators as much, maybe. And so I would have chosen house number three. Yeah. But house number two was flawed, but not terrible. But house number, I mean, it was terrible, but it wasn't as terrible. It wasn't as terrible. I agreed.

Like, they were at least making an effort with that herringbone and stuff like that. It was livable. Yeah, and I like ceramic tile. That's a style here in Texas that I think is pretty cool. Like, when you're in a really hot place. That ceramic tile, when I first saw it, I was like, that is hideous. But now that I've seen it a bunch, I think it's really cool. I kind of want it now.

I just, I think that house number two met all of their needs the most. So, uh, but house number three is the one that I would have picked. So they pick number one, which does not have room for acro. It has the stairs with dirty carpet. They both hate that. And it has a pool, which she hates. And it's hideous. One of these two kids.

But also like, it's the only one they looked at together. of course. So then we go and we see a few weeks later, and they're living in this place, it looks like shit. They, I mean, to their credit,

they're repainting the tacky rooms, but it's just like, but she painted them white. I mean, she's painting them the sterile that she hates in the other homes. And she's making them new smelling. You cannot,

I can't with this person. But we've also seen plenty of times where people choose a generic home. And we're like, ugh, it's so generic, but they move in and like, you know what,

they made it cute. And in this case, it's like, no, they just, it's like, the same if not worse. It's just so blah.

And it's like raining outside. Like the daughter, Kayla's filling up a, filling up a float putting in the pool, the sad pool. And then Kayla's like sitting on her dad's feet trying to learn acro, like clearly not into it. Just the whole thing was so depressing.

Oh, God, your parents doing that. Well, the parents are doing it. And then the baby's like, I want to do it too. So she's trying. But he's doing that thing where he's lying on the ground and he's doing the Superman with his legs where,

you know, usually you do put your kid up there and they act like they're flying. And I was like, oh my God, these are your parents. I can't. Look, look what we're doing. Act grow. It was a deeply depressing episode. Well, we just rail those people for literally no reason, but I don't know. I don't know what made me so angry. But I do not like a...

I think it was the faux gesturing about being an environmentalist and being a conservationist. I think if it was someone who said, like, I try to conserve where I can. That's one thing. but someone who actually is going to advertise that this is my identity but then like half the things they want are so wasteful and so like against what they claim

that they want, et cetera and also like being calling subway tile busy also bothered me too I am getting sick of subway tile though officially. That's okay to be sick of it but to be like to act like it's like paisley or something like I don't think subway tile is busy yes there are lines subway tile

it's like so it's like a thing it's not it's not busy Sorry. Yeah. Well, that was sure fun to talk to you about. That's for sure being. Everybody, thank you so much for being here with us on Wondry Plus. And we'll talk to you.

Guess what? This was our last episode of season three of Dwell. Hello. I forgot. Wow. We'll be back. What a way to end it. But we got news.

We did get picked up for a season four. So. We were picked up. We picked ourselves up. We, We made an appeal to us, and it turns out we totally loved it. We're going to get ourselves. We're going to partner to ACRO, so we picked each other up.

He's like, I'm picking you up. He's like, I'm picking you up. Acro, acro boner. So we will be back starting in January with season four. Okay, everybody, we will talk to you then. We sure love you guys. Thanks for being with us for this thrilling season. We'll talk to you next time.

Bye, everyone. Bye. Well, hello. Thank you.