Watch What Crappens - Dwell Hello #401: Modern Day Viking Conquest in Sweden

Episode Date: January 4, 2024

Dwell Hello is back, and we’re kicking off our fourth season gingerly.  Specifically, a Viking ginger.  Rob hails from Atlantic City but has moved to Sweden to embrace the “modern Viking lifestyle,” which no one seems able to define.  Can he unleash his inner Thor?  And will his girlfriend Alva be content with any home that’s not deep in a forest?  To follow along, watch House Hunters International Season 131, Episode 2 “Modern Day Viking Conquest in Sweden” on Max.Find bonus episodes at patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens and follow us on Instagram @watchwhatcrappens @ronniekaram @benmandelker Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Well, hello, and welcome to dwell hello. It's our House Hunters podcast or House Hunters International. I'm Ben. That's Ronnie. How you doing today, Ronnie? Good, babe. How's everything going over there? Great. So exciting to get back into our Househunters recaps. You know, we haven't done one in a few weeks. We sort of wrapped it up for 2023, but guess what? New year, new houses or old houses with new people in them, maybe. So it's time to get into it.

You ready to dive in? This was a doozy. Okay, so this one is from House Hunters International. It's season 131, episode two, according to Max, which is where we watched it. To find these, just go into whatever we watched it on. We watched it on Max. So just go in there and search for a modern-day Viking conquest in Sweden. Wow.

A modern-day Viking conquest in Sweden. How could it fail? How could it fail? And thank you to Holly Williams for recommending this one. If you have recommendations of episodes, you know, sometimes we go and we pick out our own because we just browse around or we happen to see one. But we also like to hear from you guys. So email us watch for crappins at gmail.com and put in your subject header, dwell hello suggestion. Put those three words.

Dwell hello suggestion in the subject because when it comes time for us to search for an idea, we do a search tab. We do a search on Gmail and we say, Well, hello suggestion. So if you don't use that phrase, it's not going to show up in our search. And we won't see your wonderful idea. How are we going to know? Don't send it to us on Instagram. Don't send it to us on Twitter.

I mean, you can, but we may forget. But email is the way to go. So, Vikings. Vikings in Sweden. How can you fail? You cannot fail. Okay? This is exactly what you think it is.

It's a big, hairy, red-headed American person. who has Netflix and has watched the Viking shows on Netflix, which guess what, guilty, okay? I love the last, is this the last Viking? Hold on, let me look at it. Which one is Uttred on? Uttred. I don't know.

Hold on, everybody. Uttred of Bamberg, Uttred from the Last Kingdom. I've told you about that show with that hot ass guy, that Viking show, and it starts with, I am Uttred, son of Uttred, father of Uttred, grandfather of Utreid from the land of Uttred I love that show

I watched every episode okay I get it you know you're big you're hairy your jinge and part of you is just like I just need somebody to identify with and I'm sick of it being Santa Claus and then you see

this show on Netflix and you're like these guys are mostly hot I'll identify with that and then you make your entire life about Viking culture which is hilarious yeah this guy is all about Viking culture. And so I thought like, okay, shortly he's from like Minnesota or something, you know, an area that has a big Scandinavian population or ancestry. And we find out later, he's from

Atlantic City. He's from Atlantic City. He's from the land of nickel machines. Yeah. The ultimate in Viking culture, Atlantic City. We're all the Vikings eventually settled. Yeah. So, but what was funny to me about this episode is that as ridiculous as this guy was in advancing his agenda, his modern Viking lifestyle agenda, which is never really clear or articulated or makes any sense. I have to say the one that cracked me up more was his girlfriend and her obsession with nature. Everything she says in this episode is like, is it close to nature? I wanted to be close to nature. Can we be close to nature, though? It needs to be close to nature. Well, here's the reason she's obsessed with nature, because girlfriend has three dogs, okay? And she has been living in an

apartment and you know how many neighbor complaints she has from these dogs barking their fucking faces off at some point you just want to live in the middle of nowhere where your dog can bark yeah you know what i mean and i get it but i was like stop pretending it's nature when you're just a rude fucking person and at one point in the episode she's like i would be i wouldn't be a proper neighbor if i put the dogs in this small of a yard because it's going to make everyone else crazy and i thought you know what you're finally learning but i'm sorry to everybody who's been renting next to you for the past 10 years. Because you know, it's been hell living next to Alva. What's your name? Alva. I was shocked when she said that because here in Los Angeles, it's the land of my dog takes

all priority and whatever you want to do. Like, it doesn't matter that this is a human space. My dog counts as a human and I don't care what you think. I don't care if my dog's going to be loud. I don't care if my dog's going to shit all over you or in this place that's not supposed to be. and my dog matters the most. So to hear this lady be like, oh, you know what? You know, I've got three dogs and there's a yard here,

but I would be pretty shitty to the people around me if I brought these dogs here. It's not good for the neighborhood. So I'm not going to consider this house. I was like, what? Is that possible? I know.

It sounds like she's nice until you realize she's living in a one-bedroom apartment with the Viking and four dogs. Yeah, because he has his own dog. You know what? You don't get a good person award. Just yet, ma'am.

Also, you're dating Alva. I mean, you're dating Rob. Which I kind of get because listen you you're gonna look good in this relationship I mean it's like the sitcom thing where it's like the big fat stupid husband you know that this on sitcom so much and the woman's always like this hot beautiful model and and every one of them she's just like the long-suffering hot one that's just stuck with this idiot who's probably into viking culture and so we we've we sort of see the preamble and we see um alva walking

They're in some sort of medieval space. And she's like, oh, they have archery here. And he's like, oh, let's see who's a better archer. And then Linda, the narrator, chimes in. Rob's found his shield maiden in Sweden. And Alva has just lowered her standards at this point in her life and is dating this man, I suppose. And Rob says, the Viking spirit is to go out and see what else is out there. Oh, my God.

Not what you want to hear from your partner. Don't love that. That's a good point. So I love that this guy is saying what a Viking is. He's wearing a big gold necklace that... He's obsessed. A ship? Is it like a Viking ship or is it a whale tail coming out of the water that's kind of over a ship?

I refuse to zoom in. I was like, I cannot stand. He is obsessed with this pendant. And like everything, like, it's like front and center on his stupid sweater. And later on, he's wearing a different type of sweater. that he has like unzipped to reveal the pendant to make sure it's perfectly framed he wants everyone okay let's see you see it i did take a screenshot and zoomed in i need to adjust this i'm looking ryan and i are kind of like doing our version we're not on video so it's kind of unfair yeah but

we're trying to get a nice big wait can you center it a little bit more in the screen there hmm it looks sort of like an anchor but it could also it could maybe it's a runstone you know he's very into runestones oh yes he mentioned ruins stones, but I don't know what those are. It looks like a whale tail, like, kind of from a side angle of a boat. Maybe it's, I don't really know. Maybe it's something he got on a Viking cruise. He's like, well, technically it counts. They should make the customers row, because Vikings don't have cruises. And I'm still fucking sick of this Viking culture. So anyway, he keeps saying Viking culture, but then they show like these little farmhouse looking places. There's nothing Viking about this.

And I don't mean modern farmhouse. I mean, mean like a literal house on a farm in like Georgia somewhere. If I'm tuning in. Why are you calling it Viking? Yeah. If I'm tuning in to see someone who wants to live like modern Viking style, I'm expecting someone who's going to live in like a log cabin sort of thing that looks like a Viking long house.

It's like a few episodes ago that we recapped the lady who wants to have lady functions. Like she just wants to have lady empowerment seminars in her log cabin. And so she looks at these big log cabins. They were like exactly what you'd expect her to look for. But he was just like, I'm modern. I'm into modern. modern Viking lifestyle and I just want to be a modern Viking

and then we just see him like walking his dogs with his girlfriend in a park I'm like is this what modern Vikings do? Not wanting to bathe or groom yourself properly does not make you a Viking sir. It just makes you dirty. You can have all the dry hair

and split ends you want. You're just dirty. Can we stop just calling it a Viking lifestyle? Give me a break. Does it maybe have something to do with the kitchen range? Because I could support that. I would love to have a modern.

and Viking kitchen range. Even that's not gas. Like he doesn't even seeing fire in any of that. It's all electric. Every single one they let that was an electric stuff. Yeah, you're right. Which, you know, nothing against it. Like, what do I care what your oven is?

But stop saying Viking so much. So, Linda goes, and Robb's dropped everything, and by everything, I mean the nothing he had in America, to live the dream, live the dream in Alva's home country with a woman who's way out of his league, and somehow he conned into being in a relationship with him. And he's like, well, can't cows his fish. Because they show them fishing.

And she's like, does it mean I have to go out to hunt now? And he's like, not quite yet, honey. Yes. This man is really gonna go into the local pond that is stocked with a couple of catfish from some local farmer. And that's gonna be your dinner girl, get you a man who respects you enough to go to McDonald's. Get you a proper Swedish man. A proper Swedish man.

knows not only how to cache the fish, but how to pickle it probably too. Okay? Yes, and how to follow it up with a decent block of chocolate. Yes. Yes, clean. So, is that true? Swedish chocolate versus chocolate. But I think that Swedish people probably have very good chocolate too. Let's be honest. They know. They don't know. Well, you know what. I will say this. You don't meet as many Swedish people, which leads me to believe, I have not met as many Swedish people in America, which leads me to believe that it's a land people don't want to leave. Right. And looking at this episode, I would not want to leave there. This is the most picturesque, beautiful place. Can we there, Ronnie? Let's just move to Gothenburg. Can we? Yes.

I'm already in the middle of nowhere for me. I mean, is there a home goods on there? Is there a place that sells cake? Ronnie, Sweden is the land of IKEA. Of course there's a home goods. But it's probably called Bjorksgergen. Flurgens. Yes, it looked so lovely. And so we're in Gothenburg, Sweden, and we see this beautiful street. It's like cobblestone. There's a gay flag flapping in the wind.

And then there's also a giant sign of a pretzel. It's like a pretzel sculpture that's hanging over shop. It's just a pretzel shop. So I was like, you know, we talked recently about being that pretzel buns were overrated, but a pretzel shop in Sweden, I bet is quite delicious. Also, I would like to say that that was not 100% opinion on this show. That was a 50-50 split where you thought pretzel buns were overrated. And I thought you were overrated. Oh, I thought you co-signed. Did I? Because I feel like I would never say that about a pretzel bun.

It's okay. Now, are they perfect? No, but it's still bread. I just, have I ever been mean to bread on the show? Guys, if so, I would like to remind everybody, this is only January 3rd for us, 2024, and it's a new year. And so I take everything back that I said bad about bread. In 2024, you were pro pretzel bun. And in 2023, we're not sure where you stood with it. But we know that right now, this is where you stand. And that's all that matters. Thank you.

So Rob goes, we meet this guy, Rob, big red hair and sweater with pendant. And he goes, my name is Robert Norman, which means shining fame of the Norseman. No, it does not. There's... My name is Ronnie, and that means shut the fuck up, stupid ginger, and take a bath. I'm telling you, no, Robert Norman, that's, you cannot, how do you get shining fame of the Norseman out of just Robert Norman? I'm sorry, does not work that way. Have you ever known somebody named Robert who you're like, oh my God, shining fame?

Shining fame, shining fame. No, now I'll tell you that, like, my name, so my last name means. means almonds. My first name does mean king. There we go. So I am king of almonds. King? Yeah, Ben apparently means king. So I'm king of almonds. That's the sort of thing that you find out with your name, but you don't get, I don't have, I am the glorious king of almonds that are beloved by the countryside. You don't get that. You're going to get like, I think Norman probably just means you're a Norseman. I'm going to look at this up now. Behind the name, the meaning and history of first names. I have to look why not. Rondel.

Rondel, American English, transferred use of the surname Rondel. It doesn't have a meaning. My name means nothing. I will say gender masculine. That's something. It's the first time I think I've ever been called masculine. Who would not give my meaning a name? Name meanings. Okay. In the meantime, I looked at Norman, which is unsurprising. It means man from the north. I feel like we could guess that, Norman. Norman is a baby boy name of English origin, meaning man from the north. The baby name famously dates back to the 9th century Vikings. If you're a history buff, you'll know Vikings were also known as Normans or Norseman, and were both Europeans and Scandinavian.

Oh, shut up. This is so condescending. If you're a history buff, you'll know that Vikings were Europeans. If you're not an idiot, you'll know that Vikings were Europeans. Wow, it really shamed me. We knew that. You didn't have to tell me that. You don't have to spell it out like that.

Well, guess who's not shaming me, names.org? Okay, I looked up my name, Rondell. According to a user from Michigan, take that as you will. I trust Michigan. Why not? The name Rondel is of Native American origin and means gift of God. Well, we all knew that already. Taken.

We knew that. We knew that. Ding! Like a pretzel bun, if you will. So, here's what I just want to say. Ultimately, Norman means. man of the North. So I don't know where he got shining fame of the Norsemen, because I guarantee that I don't think that Robert means shining fame. It does. It means bright fame. Okay, fine.

From the Germanic name, Hrodbert, meaning bright fame, derived from the elements Hurrod, fame, and Berat, right, bright. The Normans introduced this name to Britain, where it replaced the rare old English congate, Hrudbinchert. Wow. So Robert has Norse lineage, like that. That's actually a Viking name, Robert? Yeah, do you believe, the Normans? Wait, did Rob write this entry? Are you on Rob's website? The Normans introduce this name.

They have four dogs and cats her own fish for dinner. Wait a minute. The Normans don't want a long commute. This name has been born by two kings of the Franks, two dukes of Normandy, and three kings of Scotland. Wow. Pretty good. Okay. So you know what? Maybe he's the shining fan of the Norseman after all.

Turns out. We learned something. Well, listen, hamburgers aren't made of ham. So there you go. That's right. It's not always all in the name. Sometimes names are lies. Let me tell you something. You can be the shining fame of the Norseman, but can you be the king of almonds?

I don't think so. That's me. Which would you rather? Okay, so let's go to Steve Gutenberg, Sweden, where Robert tells us, his name is shining fame of the Norseman. We don't believe him until we're proven wrong. Spoiler alert six hours later. Yeah. And then Alva says, I really like a humble name.

So she already hates him. We can tell. And Rob's like, well, I guess my parents had high aspirations for me. So glad I've been able to tell them that for the past six years, I've been working in bars and have now couch surfing in Sweden. Listen, doesn't every parent in Atlantic City have high hopes for their child? I mean, you're in a gambling city. You know what I mean? I mean, if any, that city is built on hope.

Every people who live in Atlantic City sing Skid Row from Little Shop of Horrors without irony every single day. But then again, who among us does it? That's true. Gotta get out of here. Okay. So now Alva's walking down, she's strutting down the sidewalk with a bunch of dogs. And she's like, I'm born and raised in Gothenburg. So this is like my home city away from.

nature and Rob says you know I made a lot of connections with my online Viking Nordic history communities I'm like is there a plural on that what so he goes so the picture of Alva wearing a runic necklace showed my connection to history so it was a natural question for me to say hey why do you wear that and then we found our cultural ties Alva the fuck I like that Alva seems somewhat normal, but she's online, she's on online Nordic Viking history communities. Alva. By the way.

It's called Tinder, babe. Like, but you know what, though? Like, I think online Viking Nordic history communities is just a fancy way of saying Viking LARPs, right? Viking LARPS. I think so. Yeah, it's like people who want to jerk off to fantasies of being Vikings. Yeah, or just actually. Which makes me wonder what, I want to see this chat history because I have a feeling it was not favorable to Alva.

I'm just going to say that. Although Alva seems very strong. She doesn't seem like she's going to be clobbed on the head and just like thrown over someone's shoulder, you know, and like dragged onto a Viking boat. I'm going to sneeze. This entire conversation is going to make me sneeze right now. So you just have to talk. I'm not going to sneeze on this microphone right now. I'm turning off my microphone.

You explain what happens next. Oh, good. I just talked to my sneeze. away. It doesn't have to happen. So you know that he probably, like she has probably, well, you know, Alva, of course, is on the Nordic, on Viking historical community dating.net. Of course she's on that because she's going to clean up. I mean, Alva's pretty as it is. But you know, in Sweden, okay, the women in Sweden are just like gorgeous. That's the reason why there's all the jokes with Swedish supermodels, yada, yada, this is the land of Heidi Klum. So like, like a Sweden six is like

LA 12, right? So Alva is just used to being scaled down by the other gorgeous women in Sweden. So she's like, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to be a big fish in a little pond. I know I'm a Swedish 6, but I'm a historical Vikings community 17. So I'm going there. Okay. Well, that makes sense. And it worked. It worked. Also, I think she just gets the comedy of being with an American from Atlantic City. who's like, cosplaying Viking. He's a Viking. Arr,

I'm a Viking. But I was raised in Atlantic City, actually. Yeah. So that's me. So, okay, so she's like, yeah,

so we did have a cultural tie because he likes runic necklaces. And he's like, yeah, and we've been living in her apartment ever since. I mean, what a prize,

you know? One minute, you're just surfing for some Nordic cosplay dick on the internet. And the next thing, you know, you've got some

fucking dude living in your apartment. You're just, you know, you're on runestones. Dot earthlink.net and just trying to get the new, the new fall collection. And now you got a big ginger on your sofa. Congrats. You won. So, um, we see him at work at the bar. And, um, you know, it's a really good bar because they allow four dogs inside.

So by the way, though, and they're big dogs. They're big dogs. And actually my faith, which, guess which one is my favorite of the dogs? the little one. No, I like that orange one. There was like an orange brown one. Maybe it's more brown than orange. That one was adorable.

That was my favorite of the dogs. Only red dogs because they're very Viking. It was a modern Viking dog. Yeah. I felt that. So yeah, they go into this restaurant and then Rob's working behind the bar. Now, shockingly, when Rob is in his workout fit, he looks 10 times better. He's in like a black polo, his hair is back.

I was like, oh, he looks like, he looks good. You know? It's like when he lets his hair down and it's like, look at me, I'm a Viking. You're like, oh, no, no, no. Like Viking Mario Batali, get away from me. I think he's a good looking guy. I mean, he looks like the dude from Game of Thrones, the red-headed guy from across the wall or whatever. Yeah, whatever his name was. I love that guy. That guy plays a lot of Vikings. I feel like everything he does. I feel like that's what this guy, Rob, is doing. I feel like he saw that guy and it's like, I'm that guy. I'm the beyond. the wall guy. Rob is not a bad looking guy. He just styles himself very poorly. Apparently, being a modern Viking is styling yourself. Literally. Down. Yeah. Literally poorly.

Poorly. You're, let me tell you something. If you're going to do modern Viking, you should also modernize the Viking haircut. Because guess what? I guarantee a modern, a Viking that's living now would have a different haircut that you have, Rob. So they're talking about this town, right? And they want to Oh, he tells us they need to get a bigger place because she has three dogs. He has one dog. Now they have four dogs on a one bedroom. And he's like, yeah, we want to grow in our relationship because everything in life is easier with the partner. And it's nice to see your values reflected in someone else. I mean, what the fuck? I don't want to see my values reflected in somebody else. I'd have to hose them down every day. They'd just be covered in M&M coloring all over their hands. You know what I mean? I don't need my values reflect. in somebody else. You know what I need reflected in somebody else better than my guy. This is why Alva looks so disgusted the entire episode because she's looking at Rob and saying, these are my values. I don't like this reflection.

So now we meet the realtor who's also named Linda. So this is Linda the realtor who I'll just very confusing. Going forward, all lindas are going to be the realtor. And when it becomes Linda the narrator, we will say Linda the narrator. But this is Linda the realtor who looks sort of like if Anne Hathaway never became famous and aged like a normal person. This is who Linda the realtor is. Am Hathaway. I like that. I like that Linda looks very worried because her face, like, you know how, listen, I'm 48, so I'm not judging anybody.

But looking how my wrinkles are, my wrinkles are struggling so hard because I get Botox. So I've started to get weirder wrinkles. Like I don't get them horizontally anymore. I get them vertically because I don't know. Anyway, it's a thing. I'm trying to get past it. But guess what? It's called age and you can't.

But Linda, I'm like jealous of hers because hers are like little index fingers, one on top of each other, her forehead. Her forehead looks like four index fingers. Like if you're doing this. Like just with your fingers, you know? And I'm like, that's what real fucking hard earned worried face.

That's a hard worn worried face. You know? And Linda doesn't give a fuck anymore. You know, she's like, I've earned these fingers on my head. I don't care anymore. You want something Viking? Fine. I'll show you this farmhouse and we'll call it Viking.

You fucking moron. I'm not worrying about you. Yeah, she's done. She is so over these two the entire time. She drew the short straw in the realtor lottery. And they're like, sorry, Linda. So, Helen gets to go show a house, the president of IKEA. And you have to show houses to someone who wants to be a modern Viking.

Sorry. She's like, well, that's what I guess. for trying to find work on the modern Vikings online community. So she says how this city is situated on the west coast of Sweden, and it's the second biggest city in the country, and it's got a million people, and it's like really close to Norway, too. And her name is Linda Johansen,

which is really, Johansson's like the most stereotypical Scandinavian last name, I feel like. So I like that for her. And so Rob is, they're looking at the city, and Rob is like, It's, you know, it's really historical. It has some fortifications around the city. So it kind of piques my interest in history, but it's also the center of the west coast of Sweden,

which means there's a lot of wilderness around that's easily accessible for us and our dogs. And Alva's like, nature life is part of who I am. Okay, Alva. Like, you met, you met Rob online. That's like the least natural place you could fucking meet somebody. You actually live in a city. I hate to tell you. You live in a city.

Okay, I've had enough already. You live in a city. Okay. I'm glad you really like nature because that man is not wearing deodorant. I can guarantee you right now. That is true. So Linda says, so modern Vikings for Rob and Alva, that's quite unusual. I mean, what is that really?

Am I right, everyone? But I understand that she actually is like, what the fuck? What is this? I have no idea what that is. But guess what? 10% is 10% in any language. I will wear a helmet with two horns coming out the side If it means I get my commission

So she asks what they're looking for And he says he wants three bedrooms So his parents can come And hopefully two bathrooms Girl, I would take bathrooms over bedrooms If my parents were coming to stay with me I would say they can sleep in the bathroom They're not sharing mine

I would take bathrooms over bedrooms If I'm just sharing a house with Rob I mean, you know that guy's gonna stink up some toilets Let's be honest You need multiple drains if you're dating. Vikings are not known for their vegan lifestyle. There's going to be some serious stuff moving through that digestive tract. There's going to be a lot of farm-caught catfish coming through there.

So Linda's like, okay, well, you know, how far away are you okay with being from the city? And he's like, I have to be close to the city. Rob, that's not very Viking of you. Yeah. Okay. Doesn't quite speak of Vikings going out into the world and conquering things on their longboats. I don't know, being in the city. But he wants it for 400 grand, which is very Viking, okay?

Cheap ass. I'm shocked that the budget was that high because he's a bartender and I don't even know what Alva does. As far as we can tell, she walks around with dogs. Yeah, they never say what Alva does, huh? No. So. How are a house is that much? much money. God, what a world. Remember when things used to be simpler. So now we go to house number

one. It's a three bedroom, two bath, I think, two bath. And it's cute. It's like a little, cute little farmhouse type place. And this one's 430. And Alva's like, oh, that's a little bit over. Wow, that's a little bit over, sort of like the city limits compared to nature. So they go in, There's like a nice sized kitchen. Like it's a kitchen that I feel like is good considering it's Europe because a lot of the European kitchens are like really small. So nice sized kitchen. And Rob is like, well, I'm used to granite countertops and what have you. But this is all right.

I was like, oh, was that part of the modern Viking lifestyle is having granite countertops? Do you bring that over on the rowboat, Rob? Also, he has a lot of things to say about kitchens in this episode. And yet when he talks to Linda about what he wants, he doesn't talk about kitchens at all. And yet it seems like it all comes down to kitchens. Because he decides that he's good at things because he likes him. He's one of those people that's like, I watch a lot of TV, therefore I should write a TV show. No, it just means you watch a lot of fucking TV.

I mean, he literally says at one point, I've worked in a lot of bars with like a lot of chefs. So I'm a pretty good cook. I was like, what does that mean? That doesn't work that way. Okay. Stop acting like you're staging with Thomas Keller, okay? I've read a lot of Cosmos. I'm not a model.

That's not how it works, you know? I've read a lot of ingredients on the back of cake mixes. I'm not a cupcake, you know? I'm a gift from God, but I'm not a cupcake, Rob. Yeah, you're, listen, you may be the shining fame of the Norsemen, Rob, but you are not the glorious cooking god of the Norseman. So please take a seat. And he's like, he's like, yeah.

And when I cook, I like when people are around me when I'm cooking, you know? I was like, wow, again, very modern Viking. You know, because he likes when people are there drinking their wine, chichating. There's some charcutory out like the Vikings did back in the day. I think it's normal, you know, because that's what everybody says. Like, I want an open kitchen, so I'm not all alone in the kitchen while everybody else is having fun. Like I get that, we've heard that a lot. But I feel like in Rob's case, it's performative.

And I feel like Rob's not a good cook. Rob is just like, you know what? Onion rings, steak, and chicken tenders. Because that's what I learned from some of the greatest chefs and the greatest bars. He has downloaded so many Bobby Flay recipes. And then he sort of regurgitates them and they're perfectly fine. But they're so much better than probably what his mom made in Atlantic City. Let's be honest that he thinks it's like gourmet.

Yeah. Rob, I don't trust you or your salmonella. I feel like Rob is a big salmonella giver. Yeah. So then Linda's like, all right. Well, if you look to this side, there's a small table here for a meal, and it's not the biggest table area, but look over here. And there's actually a really nice dining room, although strange you have to walk through the living room to get to the dining room from the kitchen. A little strange thing.

Maybe you can wrap around the other way with the kitchen. I'm not sure. And she's like, yeah, and there's that dining room just in case you trap anyone into listening to your Viking fanfic. Okay, just over there. And there's a sunroom, there's a trampoline outside. And Linda has to explain very simple things. Like, this is where you sit in case you have people over because it's a dining room. Dining means sitting.

And then at one point she goes, look at this, a sunroom. Imagine sitting here when it's the fall. It's cozy. Look over there. That's a yard. That's where grass is. Look, there's a walkway. Now imagine putting one foot in from the other across those flagstones.

that's walking on a walkway. Can you see it? Can you get the vision? And this is where Alva's like, well, this yard is small and I wouldn't be a proper neighbor if I brought four dogs to this neighborhood. This just isn't right, you know. And again, she's sick of getting notes saying,

you better tell your dogs to shut the fuck up. I'm going to slit its throat while you're at work. So then they go upstairs, and the first bedroom they look at is really small. But Rob's like being optimistic. He's like, well, you know, it's a bit small, but it works for some short-term guess. Alva goes. And if we called kids short-term guess, I guess that will work, huh? Idiot.

In your case, they probably will be. I mean, you're having them with Rob. How long do you think they're going to stay? They are modern Viking lifestyle children. They are going to go out and explore the world and they're a little like big toy, the big wheel, big wheel Viking ships. Let me tell you the first place these kids are going to walk to the second they learn how to walk. Away, okay? They are going to hide themselves in the New York. I mean they're just gonna pretend like they're part of a chair that you assemble they're gonna just like try and blend in with all the other little tiny they're gonna be they're gonna be like in the like a child like a children's book

where they stay at IKEA after dark and they're like sneaking into the fridge and getting like the Lingenberries and the meatballs which of course are not Swedish meatballs there they're just meatballs oh yeah they're just regular meatballs everyone's like oh my god I'm so sick of meatballs It's like night at the museum, but at an IKEA, with no dinosaurs that come alive. He would love that, though. He'd probably be there, like, jerking off to the Viking section. So, you know, Rob likes the way it all flows and stuff, and, you know, even though the rooms are small, but Alva's like, hmm, I would like to be closer to nature and also the yard.

I'm worried about the yard, and I'm worried about the price, but mainly nature. So, you know, they move on to house number two. House number two. So Alva explains to us that her family was out in nature a lot. My dad and my granddad has always been hunters. I got my hunting license at 11. Okay. Listen, you know, no.

You're literally killing nature. You've been killing nature for years now. I love shooting nature with my madmade tool. Stop giving your 11-year-old guns to go shoot things. I don't care if it's animals. Stop it. Stop. No one needs that.

Yeah. And since when is Alva worried about the fucking neighbors, she's been shooting things since she was 11? I know. So Rob says, well, I grew up with the myths and legends of the war. We still plant Thor's sacred plants out in front of our doorstep in Atlantic City. The Viking spirit is to go out and see what else is there. I remember being a child.

running into the Taj Mahal casino and saying, Ahoy, Vikings are here, which is apparently I learned later on, Ahoy is more of a pirate thing than a Viking thing. But, you know, I was learning. I was learning. I grew up with the myths and legends of Thor.

We still plant Thor plants outside our door. Oh, Rob. I don't know what that means. Oh, Rob, Rob, Rob. Listen, I don't want to disparage, you know, the Nordic, Nordic, Norse mythology, etc. I think it's wonderful. It did give us Chris Hemsworth as Thurray.

in the Marvel movies. One of the few reasons I have to see Marvel movies is just to see Chris Hemsworth. But let's, come on, you're in Atlantic City. I'm looking at pictures of the Thor plant. The bracts and flowers of haquecia epictatus Thor have a pretty cream white edging, helping the foliage to stand out in shady spots.

They look kind of cacti-e. I never knew there was a thor plant. But it makes sense. I guess it looks like his helmet. Maybe that's what they get to me. the red is like the ginger. What came first? Thor or the Thor plant?

Or Thorough Birch? He's like, I've seen all of her movies. It's as close as modern, you know, modern Viking mythology is actually being up to date on Thorpeperch's filmography. So now's where they see the archery thing. And he's like, oh, let's see who's better at archery. She's like, I've been killing things since I was 11. Stupid! But he does win.

Oh, and she's like, oh, good for you. I didn't bring my contacts for this one. I was like, oh my God, another Viking invention contacts. You two are really, really bad at this thing. And we see the dogs. The dogs are so bored. The dogs are like, why are these the owners we wound up with? We are too cute to be with these people.

The dogs are all standing in front of the bullseye. They're like, please. We don't care about yards or nature. We just, please send us to the next. Send us, send us to Asgard. He's like, I got close to the bullseye. She's like, okay, my turn. Like, whoa, whoa, whoa,

Alva put away the machine gun. Okay. So now they're driving again, and there's like, they drive by a boat. And Alva's like, did you see the big boat? And Rob goes,

yeah, we're going to have to take that down to Germany so I can get some Bratworth. Am I right? And she goes, I think that one actually goes to Denmark. Idiot. And he's like, oh, oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. Well, I thought that that was the chairman one.

I guess that, I guess that one's further up the road here. He's so insecure. And finally, I saw what she loved in him. He's just an idiot. You know, she's marrying a big, dumb idiot that she can just emotionally abuse for the rest of her life.

Yes, that's exactly right, because he is so, like, thirsty to be European, basically. He wants to be a modern Viking. He wants to embrace it all, but he's really not of there. And so she can just shame him about literally anything including, like, the destination of a random shipping freighter.

She's like, oh, yeah, you want to get brought to us? Good luck, because it's going to Denmark. Enjoy your after-skie-biz, because that's what you're going to get. Wrong boat. I mean, really, it's like that. He's like, look at me. Look at European. I cannot wait to get brought worse from Germany.

He's like, stupid. Stupid. Well, guess what? You don't have to go far to be the worst because that's what you already are. Stupid boat, not Noah. Look, I'm with here worst. Right here. Worst.

Yeah. So he looks like an idiot. She loves it. So now Linda's like, you know, these two are interesting. They complement each other. I mean, they like different things, but they're both open. And by open, I mean, desperate and unlovable, this is going to be great. It's going to be very, very easy.

I'm just going to keep showing them little tiny boxes and saying Viking a lot until they pick one. So now they go to house, too, which is in the forest, basically. and it's actually quite sizable. It's very large. And, of course, Alva's like, with all the nature here, it's so beautiful. It's like, of course.

So it's three beds, one bathroom, 1,300 square meters of land. So it's a nice plot of land. And Linda's like, you know, and the positive thing for Alva is, this house comes in for $350,000

for her cheap, nature-loving ass. And Alva's... There's also plenty of neighbors to hide behind trees that she could shoot like she has been doing since she was 11 years old. So this one's actually really nice.

Alva keeps saying, I like the materials. And she's got a good call. I mean, there's like a lot of good tiling. I like this house. Like stonework. This one was really cute. The bathroom is gorgeous. It's really big.

But it's like a Jack and Jill where it has two doors. And that never works out well. It's weird. I feel like even, yeah, it's weird where it is because it's not even between two bedrooms. It's between the kitchen and like the front entrance or something. Someone is always going to leave one of those. stores online. You're going to walk in on a lot of Atlantic City parents poop. I can guarantee you there.

We don't need Roberts modern Viking poops being one door away away from the kitchen. Okay? We bet. It's a huge bathroom. I think it's to compensate for the fact that it's the only bathroom. There also, by the way, you know what I liked about this? There was a lot of recessed lights throughout the house. Lots of recessed lighting. I love recessed lighting. And I liked what they with it. It was really nice. The kitchen... So there's kind of like a... The kitchen was pretty nice, but it's kind of closed in which he doesn't like. Because guys,

he's worked in bars and she goes, yeah, he's worked in many bars, so he's been to nice restaurants. So I know that's important. Yeah, he doesn't want... The ceiling is low in the kitchen because clearly this house was like built, like, it looked like maybe the nice stuff we saw was added on and the kitchen's part of like the old

structure maybe, that was my guess. But it's a low ceiling and he doesn't like that. I think he has a point only because he's probably to catch a lot nothing's on fire and we don't need a ceiling so close to the flames. Yeah. So then there's like this loftish area upstairs, like a little living room area. And he goes, oh my gosh, it's like an old mead hall in Viking stories. This is such a Thor legend. I don't, so did those, did those long, those long, Viking longhouses also have recessed lighting? I'm just trying to, just trying to picture it. Just want to make sure.

It's regular meat house. Oh my God. It's not a This is such a Thor legend watching a big screen TV in the upstairs on the sectional. It's literally just a big room. It's a big room. And he's like, wow, this is just like when the Vikings get together to eat grog or drink grog. And Alva goes, this is a room with many options. Well, thanks for the input, Alva. Thanks, Alva.

You know what else is? Most rooms, okay? And also you are sort of someone with options. You don't have to stay with this person. Please. Listen, you have as many options. this room. Please branch out. So he goes, so Rob says,

this house is definitely going to be Alva's favorite. And I'm a little concerned because I don't know if it's the best for us in our future. What is wrong with it? What is wrong with like it? Where is the downside for your future with this house? It has a giant upstairs rec room, essentially.

Huge living room downstairs, a huge bathroom. I don't see how this is bad for the future. I don't like how he's like accusing her. of just not wanting the best for their family. Yeah. It's really weird. It's like, wow, she really likes the outdoors.

Don't know if I can trust her to have my children. So then, basically, they look at the rooms upstairs. They're fine outside the big room, you know. And Rob tells us, you know, the rooms don't seem to be thought out. I'm like, well, much like the idea of moving to Sweden to have a modern Viking lifestyle from Atlantic City. And he says, much like praying to a Thor plant. He says, it seems to be big for no reason. Like, that is like the most Viking thing about it.

Suddenly the modern Viking wants things to be like snug and cute and small. What? That doesn't make any sense. Vikings are literally big for no reason. Like a bide after. Have you seen a Viking helmet? It does not need to have two horns on it. That is extra volume.

So there's like a big huge deck out there. It's a barbecue of sunbathe. Like, it's a nice place. And the kitchen is lacking. So he's not into it. But he does have one really good point. He's like, wait, the master's upstairs, which means every time we wake up to go pee, we have to go downstairs.

And then Linda goes, well, some things you just have to deal with. No, no, ma'am. How dare you just tell me like, oh, you just have to get up? I mean, listen, I get up 10 times a night to go pee. So that would not work for. You just hear tumbling down those stairs. Listen, there are $50,000 under budget. Build a freaking bathroom upstairs.

just do it. That's what everybody says, but it's not property brothers. That shit takes six months. It's not just like five minutes. Like, oh, there's a bathroom. Like in some old-ass house in the middle of nowhere. You know what cost $50,000? A couch.

Not a bathroom. It's like $500,000. Okay? This is 2024. They can do it. They can figure it out. I'm saying the rest of the house is so nice. I would find a way to make it work.

Six months of construction, but then, you know, upstairs shitting for the rest of their lives. I think it's great. Well, listen, I say go for a shitter that's already there. No need to reinvent the shitter. So, I mean, but by the way, it is a legitimate concern. Like, only one bathroom for that big house is a little wild. So, of course, Alva loves that it's close to nature because that's what she says with, she's just only concerned with that.

So now we go on to house number three. Linda, the narrator, is like, Rob is tapping into his ancestry by moving to Sweden to follow his Viking roots, which apparently means fishing for guppies alongside a municipal bridge. And a man-made pond. So he's like, yeah, part of the reason I'm moving here

is to be what I call a modern Viking and to find balance in nature. And to be forthright and to stand up for my beliefs and my ideals. I don't gamble with money. I gamble with my life. I grew up in Atlantic City. It was unconventional, but let me tell you something.

When I get on a ferry, it's going to Germany if I tell it to. So then he's fishing, and he's like, well, beautiful day, but I haven't caught anything yet. And I was like, oh, okay, does that mean not have to go out and hunt? That's where we see this part. He goes, maybe. Well, let's just give it a little bit more time. Come on, Rob, you can do this. Do this, Rob.

Do this. And this is 100% Alpha's love language, too, because she goes, oh, I'm researching fishing trips for you, fishing for dummies. He's like, yes, Alma, get your big stupid husband. I love it. He's like, listen, here's what I want for the rest of my life. Nature and emotional abuse of a foreigner. He goes, well, I just need to know how to catch salmon.

That's all I need to do to be a modern Viking. But I guess first has to untangle this line, huh? Salmon. Totally easy, by the way. Easiest fish ever. Have you seen a salmon? I don't think he realizes how big salmon are. Or where you catch them?

Are the salmon just swimming around Gothenburg? I don't know. They might be because it's Sweden and, you know. It's a Gutenberg salmon. It's the shape of a pretzel. So, I was like, I think he has to rely on me for a lot of stuff. Basically because he's idiot. So, you know, I know the system here and he doesn't, which I like that sort of sass.

Like, I know the system. Okay. I get it. And I think he's used to being independent. and do everything the way he wants to. So I think this is going to be a challenge. Like, he does not know how to be independent. I guarantee he was sleeping in his childhood bed in Atlantic City before he moved out here.

But she doesn't even hear the sad psychology, like the on the nose psychology of what she just said. She's like, I like, I like him because he can't do anything. He needs me. Like, whoa, Alva, okay. Just lean in. Just lean into that on the nose pop psych. So then we see a clip of him not being able to deal. deal and they're in traffic and he does the most Ben beep ever. Did you know I was going to say that?

He gets furious in traffic and then he does this. Let's set this up that he's like very nice. He goes, he goes, but he goes like this. He goes like, because he's, by the way, we didn't really say this because we're making fun of him so much, but he's actually like a very nice person. He seems rather gentle. And then we see him drive and he goes, what the fuck? Well, that person was on their cell phone. I was like, you handled that just the way I expected Viking wood with not committing to the curse and a gentle honk on the phone. It wasn't on cell phone. Okay, so now it's house number three. It's 45 minutes away, which isn't great.

Is it minutes or miles? It must be minutes. And they're like, this is really far Linda, and she goes, well, there's good trains and buses. How do you think I got here? Fuck faces. You know what's far away? You know what, this is also far away from? A good deal for me, okay?

I'm trying to get a commission here. So it's cute. It's actually really cute. It's like a blue. This is adorable. What color blue is that? I love this house. It's like a Cape Cod kind of blue, if that's a color.

Yeah, it's like almost a navy. It's like a little lighter than the Navy. It's so cute. This house is just so cute. And it is Cape Coddy. It's very like seashorey type house. Yeah, it's got a big yard for the dogs. And I was like, well, we're not out in nature.

So of course, I missed that sad face. Oh, my God, for Christ's sake, you're walking with nature. His name is Rob. Okay? I mean, Jesus Christ. Okay. So this. If there's anything unscented, it's Rob.

Also, the views of this place, we've said it before, but this place is just gorgeous. And to me, it just looks all nature. It does, like, there's nothing, like, stuck. Well, I guess ducko's nature, but you know what I mean. There's nothing like strip molly about it. It's all made from wood. It's all, oh, it's just so nice. It's like wood shaker and windmills and it's really cute.

And it's in like what looks to be kind of like Swedish suburbia, which of course, Swedish suburbia is like, is like the most quaint, beautiful thing of all time. So they go in, by the way, this is a four bedrooms and one bath house, which by the way, no complaints in this house about the fact that there's only one bath for four bedrooms. BT-dubs and that bathroom is also downstairs, I believe. So I could be wrong. I don't remember, but it definitely is only one one bathroom. So they go in. The kitchen is gorgeous. I love this kitchen because we are so used to the modern farmhouse kitchens, which I like, of course, like the white cabinets or the navy cabinets that are in style right now, the white counters. But this one was like, the counters were all wood, which I don't love wood for a counter because that can be an issue of like sanitation, but like the every, all the cabinets were like a black

or like a very dark color. And it was like the wood accents and the dark cabinets were very like inviting to me. It was like maybe cozy feeling. Yeah, HDTV has me trained to not like butcher block because they're always the cheapest thing. They're like, oh my God, we're out of budget so we need to do butcher block cabinets. And so it kind of trains you to think they're fog. but they are so pretty and they're just done really well here. I agree. And I love all the stone long tiles

like the subway shaped tile but you know, I just they're not tiles but whatever a stone. So it's really pretty, very well done. I think it's wonderful. And actually like it doesn't come off as butcher block. It comes off as like natural materials. Like it feels more like, oh,

I'm using nature here. I'm bringing nature into the house. And I love the dark accents. Funny enough, there is a board game review. channel that has two Norwegians on it and they they filmed their videos in front in like a room that has like a black wall behind them and I think it looks amazing like they look wonderful it looks like I think there is a space for like black walls or like very very very dark walls it can just be totally inviting yeah really pretty good job um so yeah I'm really liking the dark the black

kind of marbled look instead of having white have you seen that I've seen a few few kitchen i've been going to look at a lot of house i love i don't love super vain i don't love super vain but i love it now like black well it's vain it's white veins right but it's like black marble with white yeah i don't love that oh so it's such a nice change with like the dark wood anyway who cares it's not about what i want it's about what rob is lucky enough to get to choose so they're they check out this blue house there's a big yard but it is surrounded by other house and stuff. But this one's also only 360, so it's a lot cheaper.

Yeah, so Alva likes all the storage space in the kitchen, but then she goes, but I see neighbors here in every single window. And Linda's like, well, we're below what you want to pay, so it's a give and take again, yeah? Yeah, yeah. I know, Linda's like, imagine how they feel. Like, their view is Rob. Yeah, you know.

They're seeing a New Jersey Viking in their neighborhood suddenly. And this is one of those homes that, like, stylistically, it's like, wow, they went bold and it really pays off. Like the kitchen is very new and like modern looking and it pays off. And then they have this wallpaper that's really colorful and patterns. That's cool. That's bold, but it's very pretty. And then you go upstairs and they just couldn't stop themselves.

It's like every room is a different wallpaper and then a different design thing. I'm like, okay, these, they need to cut off the HDTV in this house because I totally get that. Where you just watch too many design shows and then suddenly you're like, oh my God, why am I? why am I buying a table saw to make an accent wall of little pieces of trim painted and stuck to the wall in different shapes? But that being said, I still liked all their wallpapers. I thought I had a lot of character. But by the way, the rooms that were upstairs were tiny. And Linda just tries to like brush it off.

She's like, okay, so we have one bedroom in here to your right. That's good. And there's another bedroom. That's nice too. You can fit one shoe in there. So that's good too, right? And he has another room that's pretty big, yeah, yeah, because she also does that thing where she says, she ends her questions with a yeah that are kind of like, it's like a challenging yeah. Like, you better agree with me right now because I've already started the agreement and you have to say yeah back to me.

And if you don't say, yeah, you're going to be in trouble. It's a tactic I'm very aware of, but it works something every single time where people force you to agree. But they're like, hey, so I was going down the street, right? And I Roda, you don't like Brettzabuns, yeah. You don't like pretzabuns, yeah. Yeah.

So then later they could be like, wait a minute, we have this conversation. You agreed with everything I said. I said. How is that? Okay, so they check out this house. There's not enough nature for Alva. Okay, even though there's a huge balcony

that overlooks the city, which is like a fucking card. It's gorgeous. Also, by the way, on the second floor, there's also a room. There's like another kind of like den. It's a nice size room. It has a vaulted ceiling. It's like a place you put your TV in a little like sofa or futon. And Rob's like, yeah, well, uh, maybe we can make this into a Viking room or something. A Viking room. Oh my God. Also, this house is so cute. They don't even change one single thing.

Oh, sorry, spoiled it. But this room, you don't have to change one single thing. There's like a big painting of just trees, like a fir trees or whatever. It is. is so gorgeous. I was like, who leaves that in the house? This is the most adorable place I've ever seen. So Alva loves all the colors in it. But of course I want to be a little bit more out in nature. Oh, fuck off.

Oh, God. Fucking Alpha. So Alpha base is like, you know, the pressure's really on Rob because he can't change his mind. He's a foreigner. Once he makes his decision, he can't move back. It's a whole bureaucratic mess. basically is what I think she was saying.

So Linda, the narrator's like, being a modern day Viking is about balance, I guess. I don't know if it's really a thing, but whatever. And Rob and Alva are trying to find it while choosing a home. Yeah. She's like, life is about balance. And Rob trips over his feet a lot. I mean, I'm just assuming.

That's neither here nor there. But we're still talking about Rob, who I can smell from here, even though I've never really met him in real life. But still, gross. What is that rock deodorant? When I think of Vikings, the first thing I think about is moderation and balance, don't you? So they start talking about the houses, and they get rid of the first one right away, the one that's close to the city and too small.

Yeah, too expensive. And Alva's like, House Tua's in nature. I'm like, okay, Alva, we get it. You want to fucking kill this man in private. Okay, we get it. But we're all on to you. Everyone's going to check your backyard the second this man goes missing. Right.

And then house three So I actually think that they're going to go for house two Because I think house two is actually still a really good option And I'm like house three was great But it is 45 minutes from the city And if he is a bartender That's that is rough That's a rough commute

So I was like okay They're not really going to consider house number three But Then that seems to be the way it kind of goes Alva's like Well I know which one I'm going to go for House number two but then for the house number three,

then he's like, I guess, I got lost in my notes, but they like house number three. Like literally, we're talking about house centers. But she goes, I can really see us living a Viking life. I'm like, what are you talking about with your wraparound? What are you talking about? Like, what?

Why do you guys keep trying to hammer that in? We are so Viking right now with our Cape Cod style, Navy Blue Home. And Rob is like, you know, I think you're, you know, you're sacrificing being in nature, but the house still feels really connected to the ground around it. Like, is that because it's actually connected to the ground around it? But it's a foundation. It's literally connected.

It's called a foundation. He's like, God, I love living like a Viking. This microwave, nothing has been more Viking. Would you like a pot-tie? Our dual ovens, our stacked dual ovens, just like the Vikings always wanted in their forges. So, so he goes. And so they walk a lot with their dogs because there's a forest nearby.

And he goes, she goes, oh, I'm actually, I look forward to releasing the dogs in that yard. And he goes, you mean release the hounds? And she just looks at him like, shut on, stupid. Don't get it. So three months later, they're jogging. And Rob is like, well, I kind of underestimated

how much this house was going to make a difference in our life. Turns out your back feels so much better when you're not sleeping on a futon. Wow, big difference. Yeah. And she says, the second living room is a Viking room. And we see the Viking room. This tour is so ridiculous.

It was exactly the same. Except they added, so they added two, like, leather chairs, like Barclanders. And then they added a welcome mat that's the shape of a dog bone to the, wasn't it like a cowhide? And there was a cowhide. Like an animal skin rug or something. There's like some sort of like cowhide rug. But then by the, there's a little door to the porch.

and they put out a little mat for your feet. That's the shape of a dog bone. I was like, oh, wow. Real Viking. Real Viking right there. That's some real Utrid shit right there, guys. Well done. All right, well, that brings us to the end of House Hunters International.

Thank you, Holly, for the suggestion. If you want to send one to us, watch what crapans at gmail.com with the subject line, dwell hello suggestion, eh? Thanks so much. We'll catch you in the next one. Bye.