Watch What Crappens - Dwell Hello #402: Old VS New in Greenville South Carolina

Episode Date: January 18, 2024

This week we’re taking on our (at least) yearly roast of mother/daughter relationships with Joan and Grace of South Carolina. Mom’s into scarves, Grace is into projects, and the poor husband just wants to bang a country club waitress. This is House Hunters S147E10 and we watched it on MAX. Find bonus episodes at patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens and follow us on Instagram @watchwhatcrappens @ronniekaram @benmandelker Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Well, hello, and welcome to Dwell, hello. I'm Ronnie, and that's Ben over there. Hello, Ben. Hi, Ronnie. How are you? Good, baby. Welcome to another episode of your show. Dwell, hello.

Guys, this is Ronnie, Ben from Watch What Crapins. Normally, we recap Bravo shows. If you're listening to this, you subscribe to us on Wondry Plus, so you probably already know that. But just in case somebody's, like, downloading illegally and sending to their family member just to convert them to our side, we support that. And we love you for being here. This episode is House Hunters, season 147, episode 10 is in volume six on Max.

And it's called Old versus New in Greenville, South Carolina. Now, when you look it up and go on Max and do a search for Old versus New in Greenville, South Carolina, it'll show up. House Hunters has a lot of episodes starting with the words, old versus new. I can confirm this because a funny thing. a funny story. When Ronnie and I sat down to record this episode, it was yesterday, and Roddy's like, well, I love the House Hunter's episode with an overbearing mother. And I was like, what are you talking about?

He's like, you know, the overbearing mother. I was like, what mother? I just remember a lady with like long, flat hair. And he's like, what? I said, what? And then it turns out I had watched Old versus New in St. Louis. And this is Old versus New in Greenville. So I watched the wrong Old Versus New.

but since I watched it, we will recap that one too. But this is the one with the overbearing mother. And oh my goodness, I was cracking up this episode. That mom was, she was over her daughter. And we have a tradition. I mean, it is a tradition on Dwell Hello. Once a season at least, we do an episode about an overbearing mother. And it is just one of the things we love to do.

So I was so glad to get the suggestion from Maureen. So thank you, Maureen. Thanks, Maureen. There's going to be a lot of it. of old versus new coming up. So here we are. A lady with very straight soccer mom bangs, or hair, just in general,

kind of leads with her diamond. She's one of those ladies who's like holding up her wedding ring. Like the first thing we get, she walks into a room like holding up her wedding ring, which, I mean, I get it. Carl's a diamond. Nobody loves me. She definitely, she, this lady, her name is Grace,

she just like has bland bangs energy. She's like, my name's grace and uh she really does but grace is fucking hot right i mean sorry it's hard but she just sort of has bland energy you know like you just know you can imagine being at a party and talking with her and this is the conversation oh my god are you watching real house this is salt lake city no but like we have like uh we have like an eight month year old so like we barely got to watch tv anymore an eight month year old you know what instead of watching tv you

You know what I really enjoy doing. I really like putting my stamp on things. So I've just knocked a wall out of my closet. So that's what I'm working on right now. I like a project. She just was... She loves a project. She's one of those people who loves a project, but you know should not be doing a project.

You just know it's going to be a fucking disaster. We see at the end what her project beginnings are. And it's horrifying. There was... She does not speak with... expertise. Like, you don't look at her and say, this is a lady who knows how to do a project. I'm like, this is a lady who's been on Pinterest. This is a lady with a Pinterest 100%. I know that because I'm a lady with a Pinterest. I'm a lady with a Pinterest. You should see the homes I have selected on Pinterest and you should see, I was lying down this morning and I have these big wooden artwork things that I order because I saw them on Pinterest and I ended up ordering them off like fucking, I don't know, like Wayfair or something. They're heavy. They're made pure wood. They're huge. There's three of them right on top of each other, and two of them just fell off the wall.

They've been hanging up there for, what, a year? And they just crashed down. My dog still won't even go near that side of the bed. He was terrified. My point is they were hung up with two screws each. Okay? They're probably, they're heavy. They're pure wood.

I hung them with two screws, not screwed them into the wall. I screwed the screws and then hung them on top of the screws. Bad. This is me. I'm Grace. We are all grace. We are, yeah. So, yeah, so we have Linda.

Grace and Ryan are on the hunt for a home in Greenville, South Carolina. But while she wants a craftsman fixer-repper, he just wants the opposite. Unfortunately, the opposite is not her hair product. Because she could use some. Yeah, this poor guy, his hair, wow. He, listen, like some people are giving looks and stuff, and he is. He's cute, too, but just stop with your fuzzy hair. Like, I get it, you're married, but this is she's going to cheat on you.

Like, make an effort. Put some fucking gel in there, pomade, something. It will be up to their agent. Grace's mom with a bright scarf. Really proud of this bright scarf to sort out other quirks. Now, let's just take a moment and notice the mom and the scarf. Okay. Not enough can be said about the mom's scarf, the headband, and the sunglasses with the plastic diamonds all over the sides of them.

The mom is still bitter that Grace dropped out of a cotillion class, you know? Let's be honest. The mom's like, she could have been a deputant. Grace tried to take down a wall in the bathroom of the country club. Damn it, Grace. You have to embarrass the family like that. So the first shot we get of the mom is just this extremely disappointed look, which I love. It's very on brand for a disappointed Mother Day on this show.

And she's telling Ryan No hair product husband She's like Ryan I want you to notice That there's no TV Above this fireplace Also No volume in my daughter's hair

I mean look at the work I've done with my hair Okay You can't blame it on the jeans You blame it on the product All right There's no TV to focus on So let's worry about turning up the volume on grace Okay

Because wow I was deafening I was when I was watching it I was like, this is a tale of two bobs. Because Grace just has her hair flashed straight down. And her mom was like swooping. You know, she's got like, it comes, it swoops up in the back. It swoops up in the front.

She's like, I'm on TV. I don't mess around. Fighting, fighting bobs. So Ryan's like, well, I'm fine with a fireplace as long as we don't have to put a TV above it. God, he's in above the TV. He's an above the fireplace TV stickler. You know, this is a thing. I follow a design Reddit.

I think it's called design. something like that, or like home interior or something, I don't know. And people will put up their room and then you give them advice on their room. I mean, I don't because I'm an idiot. But people do give advice on rooms. And there is like a whole brigade of people who are like, I'm so sick of TVs about fireplaces. I mean, I feel like they're only signed up to this Reddit so that they can come give people shit for putting their TV above their fireplace. You know what?

Where else am I supposed to put my fucking TV? There's the center of the room with the fireplace. That's the only place to put it. Nowhere else, most of these places that, well, I just don't know what to do. I feel so judged. I feel attacked. I personally, my feeling on this is that if I could put the TV not above the fireplace, I will, just because I feel like the fireplace should be the fireplace.

But if it has to go over the fireplace, it's fine, you know? I used to have my TV over the fireplace. I do right now. And does my neck hurt? Yes, because my fireplace is too high. I get Ryan's point. But, you know, he's just got like wall. privilege. I don't know if he's like from a place that has like 10 walls or whatever. Like he's just

got all this wall free space. I do not have that. And I have to put it about the fireplace. And I don't appreciate feeling judged by you fucking product free Ryan. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, look, these, Grace and Ryan are just like the most boring people you meet at the party. You just see it. It's like, I hate to go back to this hypothetical party. But you know that when, when Ryan joins the conversation, for a moment, you think, oh God, someone can save me from grace. And it just gets worse. Ryan. Because Ryan's like, wait, what's the real housewives of, is that a show? Ryan's like real housewives of what?

How long does it take you to walk to your country club? Yeah. Ryan's like, you know what show I wish they'd bring back two and a half men? You know what, Ryan? So Grace, Grace is, he doesn't want a TV above the fireplace. Grace just wants a blue door, okay? Because she's had one one time. And so she just wants one.

And she says if there's a blue door, it's just meant to be grace, cause some standards. Or pain. Poor pain, like honestly. And I love the mom saying, I need to make sure Grace doesn't make a decision based on whether her house has a blue door or not. Stupid idiot.

Fucking debutante. Fail her. I blame her father and his raising her, but he didn't lift enough of a finger to even make a mistake. That lazy fuck. But dad's like, whatever you say, Susan.

He's pour some whiskey. My name's not even Susan. No pun intended. Whitney. You know, they say that you marry your father. The father is all hair product. Okay, we see the father in a minute. Probably a good-looking guy.

The father is, I don't even know if he's good-looking. All I see is pomade. All I see is gel in his hair. Grace did not marry her father. I think there's something wrong with the father that Grace is like, I'm marrying a man who does not have hair product at all because my dad is so over-hair product. Did. Her father is like the waspiest wot.

who's ever showed up on House Hunters. Because I think, like, most was I don't think would come on the show. But he was like, you know, like he welcomed Ryan because they just talk about golf. They sit around, they talk about golf. They go to the golf club together. They hang out at the golf club.

They probably say things that are, you wouldn't want to hear on TV. And then they get drunk on the golf course. You know what? I feel like if you're going to vote, you should be a landowner. You know what I mean? You should really only have a say in what happens

in the country if you've got a piece of the pie. You know, otherwise, you just, of course poor people are going to vote for their own interests. They're going to vote for your money. That's what you're going to vote. That's their conversation, I guarantee you. Here's the problem with liberals. Yeah, that is what the whole thing is. So, anyway, we now come, now that show actually properly starts.

I love we could do like a 10 minute recap on like the first five seconds of the recap. So Ryan's like, so we see Ryan. He's like, I'm really excited to be back in Greenville. And they look real excited there. Ryan. Ryan of the dead face. Like, seriously, Ryan? Did you just wake up? Because Ryan has no, Ryan is like lacking in charisma. Ryan has about as much charisma as he has hair product. Ryan is the sole member of the Van Hewzen Loyalty Club. I will say that. Like, you just can tell. It's like, why go to the mall? You can just go to Van Hewzen.

So they're walking their baby. I mean, the baby's in a stroller, but they're going down the street with the baby. and they have a dog off the leash. Listen, I don't care if you think your dog is the best, most well-trained dog. When I was a dog walker, I had to walk 15 dogs at a time, and my cousin was also a dog walker, and they would just follow him like, Dog Jesus. He never had to use one leash. I tried that one time. All my dogs ran into the road, okay, in Long Beach.

I got fired. Darts are fucking deranged, and they will run wherever they want to run. I'm so traumatized. A dog just ran in front of a dog. Last night, I was leaving my driveway, and what comes skittering across? the sidewalk, a dog with no leash and no owner apparent. And then like 20 seconds later, this lady just comes mosing across the driveway. Because I knew she was, I knew she's coming next. I'm like, I'm not going to pull the driveway because there's going to be some stupid owner

who's going to come sauntering by. And sure enough, here she goes, do, too, dude. I was like, I could have run over your dog. Maybe I should have. And honestly, your dog has probably already run into the street five times by now, you stupid idiot. Put your dog on a leash. Yeah. Well, I was a person who didn't. And I almost killed 15 dogs. Now, first of all, I was only 19, so everybody who's about to freak out about it, I was young and stupid. I learned then dogs need leashes, okay? Also, there's no such thing as dog Jesus. Although, I'll bet my cousin still can do it.

Shout out to Dean. Ding. Put your dog on a leash, okay? Don't be a traumatize, don't traumatize Ronnie. There. Full circle back. Okay, so he's like, I'm Ryan, and then he just, like, looks at her. Like, say, say your name's stupid.

We look like idiots. And Grace is like, and, Grace is like, I'm Grace. I'm Grace. He works as a management consultant in the healthcare industry. Of course he does. Like literally, if you've ever wondered what a management consultant in the healthcare industry looks like, look at this person.

Like when Susie said that, I was like, oh, I'm just going to start calling him middle seat because he's the person who gets stuck in the middle seat that's like pulls out his like ACE or laptop and starts working on reports next to you. He's like, sorry, I'm in management and health in the healthcare industry. Do you feel like he's a person that actually? asks you to switch seats. Or he's like, hey, Grace is in the back, my wife. Would you mind if we switch seats and you can take my middle seat and I'll take your other seat?

He would do that. He would also be annoying in selecting a snack from the flight attendant. He'd be like, uh, uh, what snacks do you have? Uh, okay. Pretzels. Do you have cookies? No? Okay.

Do you have pineapple? By any chance they have pineapple? No. Okay. Uh, I think I'll just, all pretzels. be what you're sure about the pineapple it's like you know what she doesn't have fucking pineapple they don't serve pineapple on airplanes go back to your laptop well i think her dad i think grace's dad is probably one of the people who's like oh god so one person dies from

peanuts so now no one can have them god remember the days when we all have pink well that was being when united airlines stopped carrying stroopwaffles and they replaced it with like a vegan no-nuts-no-nothing thing. And I was like, oh, one person dies of peanuts and you can't have troop waffles no more. Well, that's my first reaction literally to everything until I get used to it. I'm like, oh, this is a new rule? Like whenever society comes up with a new rule.

I'm like, these kids! And then I'm like, oh, my God, do not eat peanuts in public, you guys? Seriously. Listen, I mean, peanut allergies are real and they're scary, but also, like, I know we don't have to have like peanut butter snacks. in airplanes, but like, do we have to be served pretzels that are formed out of sawdust and water? I mean, they are literally the worst snacks on American Airlines. Come on.

Well, at some point, you have to wonder if it's really the airlines causing a lot of this, like spreading it like suddenly. They're like everyone, there's peanut allergies everywhere. They might be spreading it just because those stupid pretzels are so much cheaper. I mean, peanuts are not cheap. Nuts are not cheap. Anybody who's been to the store knows that nuts are not cheap. Maybe they're just...

I don't need peanuts. I just like, they're just got to... be something better than those dry-ass pretzels they serve on American Airlines. I'm sorry. Yeah. Well, I love a dry-ass pretzel, actually. God, I really do. It makes me feel so thin, even though they're not that much less calories. I'm like, oh, my God, I'm eating pretzels. You guys, I'm basically a twig. So they're walking their dog and their baby off a leash, put them both on a leash. Okay, so Grace and her mom, Joan Hurlong. I love it. Joan Hurlong. I didn't pick up her last name was called Herlong.

Joan's funny to me. Joan, she's like an incomplete sentence. Joan and her long It's like the match game. We asked that people. We saw Joan and her long. And then like Betty Day.

Every answer. Survey says scarf. Number one. Survey says, yep. Let's talk to rip tail. Attitude. Her long attitude. So they're sitting on laptops.

in the living room. Okay, now these two hate each other. And here's how we know. The mom has a stem glass and it has white wine. Grace has a non-stem glass and it has red wine. The mom is on a Mac. Grace is on Windows. How do you two even know each other? Like, do you hate each other? Isn't Grace is like the, Grace says she's the project manager of her mom's real estate company. No, you're not because if you were, you wouldn't be on a different operating system. Exactly. I mean, what, I don't think she is, I think she's just, she just takes a paycheck. She runs like the real, the realtor.com section or whatever. Yeah, you know, she's like, mom got our listings.

Yeah. Made sure that our our listings RSS is up to feed or whatever, up to stand. Our feed is up to, is updated. God damn it. Spit it out, Grace. Come on. We got a real estate business to do. And Grace is like, did we get the closing paper on the things on the thing of the

thing of the house of the thing. Do we get the mortgage escrow contingencies? And she's like, oh God, grace, you stupid idiot. I arranged you to be better than this. So, Ryan's like, we both met

our first year. You both met? Really? Did you both meet your first year, Ron? He's like, we both met here in Greenville and we have a daughter, Carson, who's seven months old and a dog named Joan. I mean, boomer. Sorry. By the way, the dog named boomer.

Since my time of boomer, I can tell the setup. I'm causing World War. So they have a dog named boomer and a daughter named after the neighborhood in Los Angeles where there's an IKEA. Person.

So Grace is like, yeah, we recently moved back from Atlanta. You know, we're both from here. And when we had our daughter, we thought, God, this kid needs to be raised with more disappointed looks. Let's go back to my mom. So Ryan's like, I just feel like this city is there.

Oh, they're sitting like having drinks with a friend. Like, I feel like this city has changed so much since we were last year. There used to be Joanne's fabrics. And now they're still a Joanne's fabrics, but I noticed they repainted their parking lot. Now, all I can see are Jones fabrics, because that scarf, wow. I mean, you really never let go of the brightness of that scarf. Still traumatized. Classic Joanne Hurlong.

How long was she? No, that's just her name. That's just her name. Joan Hurlong is so long. She sits around the scarf. It's not a fat joke. It's a length joke. It just sort of has the same structure as a fat joke.

So Grace is like, you know, Greenville's in the mountains, but the downtown is really what sells us. You know what's downtown? There's like restaurants. And also, Ryan likes golf, which isn't downtown, but still. I love that bustling downtown core with its country club and golf course. We've been living with my mom for seven months, and my mom's been shaming my baby for not having a Mac.

We've got to move. Last night I saw my mom creeping into her nursery and trying to put a little baby wig on with a swoopy hairstyle. Carson has been reaching for the brightest scarf in the cold. closet. We've got to go. By the way, amusingly, old versus new in St. Louis also had a prominent scarf situation going on. Just won't get out there. It's a little teaser

for the next episode. So, so, they're in the kitchen and now they're all going to talk about what they like. And Joanne has attempted to do, uh, like, some sort of, like, show of domesticity. She's, like,

made some, like, some, like, Duncan Heinz, like, M&M cookies. Like, she never makes these cookies. You can tell. Look at her husband is half drunk at 4 p.m. It's like, is it a happy hour yet? And she's going to act like she's Betty Crocker over here making M&M cookies. She does not make M&M cookies. She doesn't. And they were so the ones that you buy already done in the store. You just plop them onto the pan because they were all exactly the same circle. There's like four of them. Yeah. Two of them were eaten, which was impressive. And I feel like she's a mom that puts those out and then it's like, oh, so you're going to eat cookies now?

Great, Grace. Great. That's just what you need. It's like, you made the cookies. Why are you gilting me about eating the cookies? Well, because this is how she stages her homes probably. She's like, if you want to sell a home, you put a cookie in there because that's what they do on, like, selling sons that they do like the fresh baked cookies and you put them out on the counter. So she's like, went to Harris Teeter and put out some cookies on the front.

She's like, if it works for her, but works for home buyers, it's going to work for house hunters. I don't want to go into a new house and smell something that's been. cooked tint. Like, I want to smell new. I want to smell wood. I don't want to smell your fucking cooking. Do you remember that time on Selling Sunset? They got burgers. They got like in and out burgers. Who does that? At a house.

Christine. Who wants to buy your body odor smelling house? Gross. I know. It is a weird choice. So, uh, the mom is going to be their realtor. I'm furious. Like, why am I so mad? Sometimes don't you just wonder like, what are you mad about? I'm mad all day. Like, I love this stuff. I'm not mad. Like, what's wrong with me? Furious. So Joan is like, okay, dumb, dumbs, what's your budget?

Yeah. And she's like, I put M&Ms in these cookies, so subtract $2 from whatever it is. These M&Ms do not count towards my commission. Even though commission, commission may have two M's in it, but they are not these M's. Commission. No, no. Okay. So then Grace is like, well, I say $600,000.

And Ryan's like, okay, one that's not working. I say 500,000. And she's like, okay, one who's raising your child. How about lower side of five? He's like, well, we're going to need to save $100,000 for the surgery I'm going to need for watching TV at your mother's house above a fireplace. Thanks, Neck. So the mom, Joan, is like, oh, that's doable. Spoiler alert, Joan doesn't listen to shit.

No. Joan is like, I don't care. I don't care what you want. I'm going to show you whatever the fuck I want to say about that. Yeah, exactly. And meanwhile, the dad just sitting there smiling and just drunk, he's like, well, you know, the thing about, you know, Bill Belichick, you know, he's had a good run, but it's time for New England to look into someone else. I mean, if Dallas loses in the postseason one more time, I mean, not my issue. And Tiger Woods, can you believe he's still out there?

Now, what about death taxes? So then, Grace is like, I want to do a fixer up. Don't even fucking say that word around me, Grace. Do you know that they just gave Joanna Gaines a fucking cooking show on Food Network? I don't know if they just gave it to her. On Food Network? Yes. Not on her own network?

She has her own network. Get out. Go. Yeah. Just go. Why do you have to have her on Food Network too? Come on, man. Joanna Gaines, we all know that time slot is reserved

for a country singer who is past her prime who needs to be cooking her family's macaroni and cheese recipe in a soft filter. No shit. Did Guy Fietti run out of ideas for game shows? Like, what the hell? Hello. Like, so suddenly we're not allowed to watch Martina McBride cook something.

Also, re-drummond. Did you know that her family, like, proudly lives on Osage land? Like, she's gross. Okay, so here's what happened. I follow something. I'm on Reddit. I mention Reddit all the time because I'm literally just scrolling through it all day. But they have this thing that's, like,

suggested Reddit, and usually they're terrible. It's like, the Dodge Caravan. And then you see people like, has anyone else's blinker out all the time? What the hell? And then you have to say, I'm not interested in this community. Well, one that started popping up was Food Network, which is why I have all this food network gossip.

I'm not interested in this community. You suddenly turn into Lucille Blith. I'm not interested in this community. I just swear. You have to, like, judge whole communities of people. That's me watching the house on Thursday. crazy ones too. It's like gel pens.

You know, it's people like, why would I use ink when I could use gel? What do you guys think about this new gel pen? And you have to be like, I'm not,

don't like this community or whatever. But Food Network, I'm getting all this goss. People get so upset over Food Network stars. I didn't know there was a whole thing. We should start a Food Network podcast. You want to?

Okay, great. Okay, it starts next week, everybody. Watch what cookings. Here's what's going to be called Kim Chi? Question mark. That's the running joke that will never die from the next food network star years ago. They gave them all a mystery ingredient.

And one of the southern lady goes, Kim Chi, it's like alive and it's bubbling. What is that? We're like, oh my God, this network that's supposed to, like,

they're vetting people to be their next star, like a figurehead for their network, and you have people on their being like, Kim Ch, I had never heard such a thing before. When did we, we did the whole season of Food Network, right? It was like a bonus episode. That's when we used to do bonus episodes of full recaps of stuff.

Oh my God, that was fun. I was fun. I was all about Susie Vogelson with, talk about Wasp. The way she just had this like cool demeanor and just like, she would just flop her hands. If she didn't like something, she goes like, this makes me feel uncomfortable. I don't, I don't understand this. And wasn't that also the season that the lady who was like, I'm just a poor mom, my thing is making. recipes for a 10 cents.

Was it when she won? Well, though, I think it was a different, that was a different season. That's when Food Networkstar actually had a little bit of credibility with Melissa Deerraibian, yeah, Deravian. Whatever, but by the time I got to Kims, have you seen her as a judge on these shows? She comes on as a judge.

She is so snooty to everybody. She's like, I cannot believe you put mayonnaise in the same dish as fish. I'm like, lady, you were making like, You were like roasting canned beans over a trash fire. You were on Food Network Star. She deserves it. So hoity to hoity.

She deserves it compared to a freaking kimchi lady making it to like probably the finals. You know, like, my point of view is just down home southern cooking because we cook with love. Anyway. Oh, okay. So anyway, the mom made cookies. Okay. So Grace wants a fixer-upper. I was triggered, so we'll not go back there.

And then the mom is like, oh, really, Grace? In all your spare time with a baby and a full-time job? Makes a lot of sense, idiot. Good thing you're named Grace, because I'm certainly not affording you some grace these days. Dumbass. I'll tell you, you know what, Grace, maybe I should have named you Deb you not, okay? Deb you taught me with your stringy hair. So Ryan's like, I want something more traditional.

I just, I can't. I can't, Ronnie. I want something. We don't even know where you are. You know where I have in the notes. No, I don't. You guys, Ryan says, okay, I'll just read it. And I goes, I want something more.

traditional. No gay marriage in my home. I want newer homes. Open floor plan, but open, not in terms of relationships. And she's like, oh, but I want, look, we need to have three bathrooms because there's going to be so much of the baby stuff everywhere. And when my friends come to visit me, I don't want them to have to deal with that. And the mom goes, oh, please.

Best moment in House Hunter's history. I died and the dad goes nobody, honey. And the mom goes, yeah, no one wants to stay with a baby. I mean, come on. I was like, get overie, Grace. Grace is an American hero. Thank you for articulating that on television. Thank you for using your platform, Grace.

No one wants to visit with a baby. I died. I died. So Grace is like, I like to find rooms because Ryan's like, oh, you know, I want open floor plan. It's like, no, to find rooms. And then he's like, well, we need to be close to the country club, you know, I need to be close to the golf at the club specifically.

So if we could be close to the country club golf area, not the country club pool. I need to have the shortest distance to home that I can drunk drive back to. So Grace is like, well, I like white kitchens, but no granite countertops. It's also my political view. and that's like that reminds me dad

not now dad dad dad so they also want a two car garage because Ryan's like oh my God

it's so frustrating to find street parking those busy streets of Greenville you gotta watch out suburbs those those country club

adjacent streets are just packed packed and people trying to parallel park. And he's fine with the fireplace as long as you don't put a TV above and he's like, I don't like feeling like you have to stare up into space to watch TV. And the mom's like, um, excuse me, our TV's above the fireplace and you're still alive. Because you,

look who's still freeloading off mom and dad. Wow. You sure can't eat some free Eminem cookies while you bitch about TVs. How's that, Ryan? Funny, you don't bitch about Obamacare as much now that your neck is broken from my TV apparently. So, um, the dad, so they're like, when's the target day? Well, dad, no, he says that snarkly because Ryan's like, I know, my, my, my neck hurts when I watch TV in your house? It was like, when are you moving out again? So Ryan goes just as soon as you find her a blue front door.

Don't forget the real idiot is in this duo. So Grace explains that she has a super emotional connection to blue doors. She had a blue door in Atlanta. So if she can find a blue door, it's meant to be. I mean, no further questions needed. She had a blue door in Atlanta, so she's emotionally connected. It makes sense. I don't know why anyone would question this at all.

I feel like there's a blue door somewhere like, I just hope that I get a white lady with terrible straight Bob. I have emotional connection to one. That's all I need. Mom, this is where the great, I mean, Joan says again, And now, okay, hello America. I put on a sassy jacket just to show that I'm not really related to my daughter. I'd like to create some distance.

Listen, part of my job is to make sure she doesn't make a dumb decision based on a blue door. Okay? If I was a different cloud, I would soft pet it up. It's great. So I just say no. Like every time she reaches for a lollipop. Girls are real debutante. So, um, they go see, they go see house number one.

And she was like, okay, well, this one's for Ryan. I didn't want Ryan to think it's all going to be about Grace. This one's brand new and the TV is tipped over on the ground. Here, I attached a little paint sample from Sherman Wendell's the door just to distract Grace for a moment while I walk around the house. So this one's like a brand new house, but you know, you know the little cookie cutter houses, but it has brick. I like brick. I'm a big fan of brick.

I like this house. I actually thought this is a nice house. At built-ins. I like to, oh, by the way, I just want to mention real quickly, something just to really further establish Jones character is that in her kitchen, she had a sign up that said no sniveling. And I just love that. I just love that every time Grace is like, my mom, there's no blue door.

What's the sign say? No sniveling. That's right. Live, laugh, shut the fuck up, Grace. No sniveling. It was the only. sign in the entire kitchen. There was no like, Caliente,

nothing that said Paris. It just said, no sniveling. You looking for the dishwasher? Her name is Grace. Painted on a washboard. We don't use comma in this dishwasher. We just use snivel. We put it in there and wash it away. So,

Grace is like, but it doesn't have old house charm. It's like, oh, shut the fuck up, Grace. Grace, you saw you married. Since when did you care about charm. This has bells and whistles of a new house, and it's, listen, it's not only five bedrooms. There's also a bonus room, and it's 3,200 square feet, grace. Whoa, okay, that's huge. Yeah.

And Ryan's like, yeah, it's also close to the country club. And the mom goes, yeah, and it's 649-605, so suck on that. Like, way over, way over their budget. And then they look at her like, what? And she goes, oh, do you still want me? me to show you the house because we could leave if you want. I was like, what she?

And Grace is like, listen, there's not a blue door. It's just, oh, Jesus Christ, it's a Saturday afternoon and a bucket of paint for Christ, shut up. God, you're such a flub you don't. Quiet. I know you'll have to step out of line for the Joanne's, you know, President's Day sale on notions.

But yeah, it's a Saturday afternoon. So this is baby blue walls. There's a lot of baby blue walls in today's episode. I think that's a big thing in Greenville. They're like, you know, but right now, baby blue walls. It's very ironic. They're like, well, we've been thinking about passing a resolution to call it baby Blueville, but for right now it's just going to stay at Greenville. Well, you know, Greenland has a lot of ice and Iceland has a lot of green.

And Grace has no charm. So I'll tell you what Grace has a lot of. We know what we call Grace, Greenland. Iceland has a lot of green. Greenland has a lot of ice. And Grace just has a lot of lint. We call her lint trap sometimes. Except no one cares to scrape it out of her.

So they do something super weird on this. They keep showing, so in the beginning when he was like, I don't like TVs above fireplaces. They showed a TV above a fireplace. and it had like a little topiary thing, and it had like a little wooden house on the mantle. But then now they're showing, I think they show it again here,

and I think they show it in every house. They just keep showing the same mantle with the TV about it. And it confused the fuck out of me. I'm not really sure where the actual shot belonged. Yeah. I think that's just classic Greenville. I think that's all that it is. So then she's like, I mean, she's basically taunting them.

Joanne's just taunting them. She's like, I know you love that TV. Ryan, don't worry, you'll be so shit-faced from the country club. You won't tell if you're the wall or the ceiling. Am I right, Grace? Right? Listen, Ryan, I'm sorry that you're going to have to look at that TV, but think about the TV's perspective. It's got to look at you.

You know, when they say they're spying on people through the TV, guess what? You're the people that are going to make the spine program end. So congratulations. Okay, so Grace does not like the open floor plan. And I like that. It's refreshing hearing. Because usually the mom's like, I love an open floor plan because I can watch the kids while I'm in the kitchen, which just has never sounded right to me. Because my mom's very much like, why the fuck would I want to see the kids while I'm in the kitchen?

I go to the kitchen to not have to see the kids, you know? So this is like the kind of mothering I'm used to. But, you know, this was not like crazy open floor plan because there still were actually kind of rooms. It was open floor plan, but there was kind of like the vague suggestion of walls that kind of broke it up a lot. little bit, you know? It was more sectioned off. And then the, Grace goes, what is on the wall? And the mom's like, that's Wayne Scott and Grace.

Just to remember, you actually work in the real estate business. In real estate. Grace. Wayne, Wayne Scotting, two of the men I'd picked out for your debutante ball. You know, people think that new means no charm. But I think no charm means, you know, basically grace, you know. And charm comes from architect. contextual details. Did I fail in that category? Kind of. But I blame your father's spirited.

So, and then they go, they look, and the backyard is really small. It's really small. And they don't, they don't like it whatsoever. And she's like, whatever, you got a tiny kid and a tiny dog. And we all know this isn't your forever home, because look at this guy. I mean, you think he's not going to cheat on you with a waitress at the country club. I mean, come on, Grace, get over it. So There is the main bedroom on the first floor. And she's like, oh, my God, this has a bedroom on the first floor. We have to have the bedrooms on the same level. I don't want to have to hike up to the second floor whenever the baby's crying.

She goes, oh, God, your baby sleeps through the night, Grace. Listen, if a baby falls down on the stairs, it's not the end of the world. Look, you turned out fine. Oh, did I never tell you about that story? My God, why are they so mean to Grace? Graves is raising this fucking newborn baby. And she has to, and she even mentions that Ryan does not help at all. And they want her to just like take it.

It's like you just go up and down the stairs. And she goes, well, this baby seats through the night, but future babies may not. Oh, future babies. That means you have to have future sex with this one. Think about that. So now they go upstairs. This house, by the way, is really nice. You pointed out, it's new, but they still did put the windscotting, the details, the wood.

I like this one. I think this is a great one. Hey, Grace, pop quiz. What's that? A window? Wayne Scotton. Jesus. Grace never gets it.

She goes, oh, God, look what's in this bathroom. The Wayne again, right? Wayne's gotten. Goddammer, Grace. It's a full word. She never gets it. So Ryan's like, I love this house. It's new.

There's a two-car garage. And Grace is like, well, I like that there's full three bathrooms for all those people that aren't going to visit us. But it's not a craftsman. I just want a home that tells a story. Okay, well, here's the story that every home you live in will say. I was a great home, and then these two idiots lived in me. Literally, every home has a story, and it says, I'm expensive, and I'm going to rob you of all of your joy, trying to keep up with me.

Have fun. Here's a home. Here's a story a home could tell. There once was a girl named Grace, whose mother spent thousands of dollars in debutante class. one day she dropped out that was the end of the story I actually now think of it okay so now we go

back to the mom's house and they're talking about what they want Linda's reminding us of what's happening she's like well she wants an old castman he wants a waitress from the country club he will marry her if he gets her pregnant though he's traditional like that so

So they now go to sea house number two, which is a craftsman bungalow. And the door is like a robin's egg blue. And Grace, or a Tiffany blue, maybe. And Grace is like, oh, my God, it is so cute. Look, it has a blue door. Okay, it's not quite my shade. But, oh, so now it's a shade issue. It's a shade issue, Grace.

Okay. Deb you skank. This is... So she's like, well, this one's only four. 489, but it doesn't have the four bedrooms. And I think she, oh, she said, I wrote down three bass, but I feel like this did not have three bass. Didn't this one have two and a half?

It had two point five. So, you know, it's basically living in squalor. Yeah, basically. It's like, poor. This is very, very poor. So Ryan's like, one thing I didn't see is parking. And the mom's like, yeah, there's no covered parking. Welcome to coupon shopping, stupid.

I know. Listen, you can just string together some garbage can lids and park your golf cart under that. So she's like, well, but the good news is it's walking distance from the country club. So fewer DUIs for you, sir. And Grace is like, wow, I love the fireplace. Look at all the Wayne Scott on it. That's the mantle, Grace. That's a mantle. So basically, she's like, I like it. Because the rooms are chopped up. No, Ryan's like, I mean, it feels choppy between the rooms.

I know Grace is going to like it. And she's like, I do like it. It's choppy. And the mom's like, well, call it chopped up or call it defined, okay? Tomato, no class, am I right? Kitchen. Okay, so it's a little bit like you, Ryan, in high school. It's very dated.

That really makes no sense. I have no idea what I was thinking. Actually, I think Ryan in high school, was undated, if you know what I'm talking about. I think I meant to say it's a little like, it's a little unlike Ryan and guys, you know what? We're going to pretend that didn't happen. Edit that out.

Okay, so Grace is like, oh my God, I hate that. Wayne's got that to counter Grace. Ben. Help me. So there's shade lighter than the last ones, but they're almost exactly the same. The last ones were black and these are light brown. And now she's like, I hate granite. Wow.

Well, she says she hates granite because she hates the marbling. it. So then, well, she said that at some point in this, you know. So then, uh, it's like sort of like a tighter kitchen. It's a nice kitchen actually. And Ryan's like, he's like, yeah, this is not good. She goes, but I want a project. I want to do something with this kitchen. I'm like, do not let Grace do something to this kitchen. She will just try it. She doesn't know when scotting is. And also, if you want a project, it's not the kitchen. You know what I mean? Like, if you're going to take on something with a newborn, you know, you know, You need your kitchen.

You can't just be like, oh, I'm going to start, hey, have Grace and Carson a fucking hammer and watch her just start tearing down. No, the kitchen's a huge project. And then listen to this dumb, dumb. Grace is like, the whole episode, she's like, I just, you know what? I hate an open concept. I just want, like, to find rooms. Hey, you know, we can do this kitchen? Let's blow it right open.

Let's just make it a big open kitchen with an island. Like, like an open concept. Grace. Come on, it's all consistency. I want a house with walls so we can tear down the walls, mother. So this one is okay. This one's a pretty nice one. Yeah, it's cute.

It's smaller. It is Krasmini or whatever. And Grace will have a project. So then they go to lunch. Okay, Grace's fashion is questionable. She's wearing a... Well, they're having lunch with a friend. And you know, Grace is like, we're downtown.

So I'm Cosmonaut. apoliton today because she's wearing kind of a top that's like got stringy chest things that are all tying. I don't know. I'm like, Grace, this is my, I don't know why I'm fixated on the top, but, you know, as much as we make fun of her, I like Grace and I'm rooting for her. And this just isn't, it's not helping anybody. I want to go help Grace, you know. Yeah. Yeah, this was not a great, I would not say this was a great advertisement for Greenville. I'm sure Greenville is like super cute and lovely. I don't know if Grace and her house hunt was the vessel that the city needed to put out, put its best foot forward. Is house hunters ever, though? I mean, I mean the American

because house hunters international, I literally want to move everywhere they show me. Even when the apartments are terrible, which they usually are. I always want to move to whatever city they're showing me. But yeah, but househunter is domestic. They just love to zoom in on like a mud pile. Like on on the other one that we're going to watch the this couple goes like walking through a park like we love St. Louis. It's so beautiful. And they walk through this like disgusting park with like a big giant puddle. And they're like, isn't it scenic? And you're like, look at the scene. Yeah, it gets scary on this one sometimes on the regular house hunters. So the mom is like, oh, well, wait, I'm sorry. I'm getting tired. This is so long. I don't know why it's so long. But the mom, I think this one's actually kind of nice. The houses are all kind of nice on this one.

House number three you're talking about now? Well, was this a huge one? This one's really big too, right? I think this one's really nice. All three houses were really good. They have, they, I liked all three houses. I thought they were all quite good. So house number three, it's like all white.

But it's, I think it's not new construction, but it's like, it's kind of a mix of both. It's actually kind of the perfect choice because it's at the top of their budget. but it's within their budget. Random numbers, too. It's like 599-601. Yeah. And it's walking distance to downtown. And Ryan's like, well, it's no country club, but I could walk to downtown where all the

queers are. See what that life is like. They're all, you know what? Country club's good, but there's also a lot of holes downtown. So. So what was really good about this house, I thought, is that when you walk in, for them what was good about it is that you walk in into the right there's like a dining room there's like a defined dining room there's like a defined like living room or sitting room but then when you go back to the kitchen the kitchen and the den area is like one big open space so you actually get open concept and defined rooms which i thought was like perfect for both of them yeah i agree um i thought this one was the winner myself for sure and then the kitchen was beautiful and there was no tv above the fireplace this one literally had everything that's the winner that they could want.

And the bedroom in this one is humongous. And it had like multiple rooms in the main bedroom. And also I like the colors. Like I like the brown room. This one was cool. I thought it was really good. And I thought that you could put the baby in your room in another room because there's like two rooms in here.

So I didn't understand the whole like, where would we put the baby? So then they go upstairs. Okay. So there's like this loft area, like the bonus room. And the stairs lead up right to it. And Grace gets up the stairs and she goes, this is perfect for the baby. I know.

Like, what? You're going to have the baby play at the top of the staircase. Who does that? Or just have like toys there. I'm like, have you seen the omen? Okay. Don't have like a collection of toys at the top of your staircase.

This is not smart. Okay. Yeah. Put the newborn right at the top step. Watch her go. Grace's whole thing is that she doesn't, she wants to be on the same floor as the kids. And she doesn't like that the primary bedroom is on the first floor.

But luckily, this floor actually, this house is so big that there's an alternate primary bedroom on the second floor that's like maybe not as big, but perfectly fine as the primary. And they're like, well, I guess this will do that's beautiful. Onsweet, I guess. And they're just like really fixated on this. And the mom is like, okay, you know what? You've got to give, you've got to shut up about this. Okay. What is up with this up and downstairs thing, Grace?

Okay. You can walk upstairs, apparently. Like, I know you don't like to exercise grace, and that's going to catch up with you someday. For right now, you can walk up a staircase. And she goes, listen, I wish you'd just get over this because a first floor master is great for your lifestyle and for resale, dummy. So then we see the bathrooms. The bathrooms are a little wonky here. In all the bathrooms, they're not as well thought out as the rest of the house.

There's like single sink. It's like a, you can tell that the bathrooms were redone cheaply. Right, because they just put in like some low's shit in there that doesn't really fit properly with single seats. There's no mirror in this bathroom. Yeah, I saw no mirrors. I think it's not quite finished. Yeah. But this house, this house picked all the boxes.

Like, there was, the only issue that they could try to come up with was that the intended primary bedroom was on the first floor. That was the only issue with it. So it comes down. Linda's like, it could all come down to the blue door, these fucking loose. So we see them trying to decide what they're going to get. And then they do that thing where the baby's making noises. So they put the hands over and go like, oh, la, la, la, la. And then the baby looks totally impressed with itself.

Get over yourself, baby. Okay? You did not. You did not just for an American Idol. Get over yourself, cursing. Yeah. You're no Mandisa. So, oh my God.

That's a blast from the past. So they're, now's time to not wanting gay marriage in their house. I'm not. No. Jeez. So now it's time to talk about the houses. So they're deliberating. And, you know, they all have their pros and cons.

I personally think they're going to go for house number three. I felt like the, the issues they had with it were kind of a stretch. I didn't see any, it was within their budget. It had everything they wanted. It was clearly going to be house number three. It was gorgeous. I loved the white, the painted white. brick, which I don't always love, but I loved it on this house. I just thought it was such a cute

place. I really wanted them to get it. And they didn't. Okay? They said, fuck you, Ronnie. We don't care what you think. And Ryan, it turns out, never really had a choice in this because Grace goes, well, I know which one I'm thinking of. And he's like, I know which one you're thinking of two. So that's one we're going to do. I was like, Ryan, don't you have a say in this? No, because you know, Ryan, he just wants to go downtown. Isn't this the one that's downtown? Don't they pick the country club? He chose the one that's closest to the country club. He wants to go to the country club and get wasted.

So he's happy. He doesn't care. So she gets the one, the craftsman with the chopped up rooms that she wants to do the kitchen and knock down the walls. So then we see like the future. And Leah Thompson's there. She's like, Michael J. Fox is my son. So we see the future. And Grace is one of those people who has the full on designer.

Like, I've picked out 10 tiles and they're all on. this board right here. I've got 19 wallpapers, 87 paint samples. I'm like, oh my God, Grace. Do something else. I'm already exhausted from your project and I don't even know you. Exactly. And she's still talking about how she's going to like blow out the walls in the kitchen. She's like, I'm going to do this for you, Ryan. I'm going to take out the walls in the kitchen because that's my concession to you. I'm like, you realize that just makes it all open concept. You don't know what you're doing. I also thought it was funny that the friends that they had over were not her mom. Her mom's like, I am not going over that shitbox. I told her it was house number three and she

would not listen to me. So we're going to stay at our home and drink our asses off. And I like when she goes, yeah, you know, the kitchen is our only project. I'll probably open it up or, you know, maybe we could find a solution to covered parking. I mean, it does only have two and a half pass, but that's plenty as long as our guests only come for the day. and don't stay at night. Oh, God. I was like, oh, Grace. Come on.

Get what you want, Grace. But also, like, no one's staying for more than a day. Also, you have two and a half baths. That's enough space for, I guess, bath. Like, your kid stuff, I don't know. So one of the problems with this is all the episodes look so good of how some, I want to recap everything, because then we see the next episode, because it starts automatically playing.

And it's like, now, so. Snowbirds from Denmark escaped to Longboat, Florida. And he's like, this is the house that I wanted this whole time. He's like, oh, yes, you wanted it. I did not want this. I was like, oh, my God. Why are we not doing this episode? We have to do it on the lists.

Put it on the lists. We could do that one before the St. Louis one. That's fine. I love Denmark. Anything Danish, I'll be happy to do it. Oh, it looks so good. It's like an older couple. And she's just like, oh, fine, you get what you want, I see.

Good for you, Hans. Hans and what's a Danish lady's name? I actually can't think about Danish. I think it's something like it's out of a story. It's like Ingha or something. It's like Hans and Inga, you know, oh my gosh, we have to watch it. It looks so good. All right, everybody, well, this was, you know what it was.

You're listening to it. Thank you so much for being here. This was super, super fun. We love doing these. Thanks for the suggestion. If you want to suggest one, go over to watch what crapans at gmail.com. shoot us an email and put in your title dwell hello suggestion okay and we will find it and go over them we've got a ton of suggestions in there um and everybody thanks for being here we love you guys

love you so much we'll talk to the next one bye