Watch What Crappens - Dwell Hello #403: Old vs. New in St. Louis

Episode Date: January 30, 2024

A lady who works for a pet food company and a pilot who’s obsessed with foyers attempt to find the perfect house.  Will it be a colonial from his childhood or a Foursquare from her plainest dreams?  Be sure to watch House Hunters S147 E2: Old vs. New in St. Louis on Max.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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I'm Ben. That's Ronnie. How's it going, Ronnie? Good. What's going on with you, baby? Not much just enjoying to gather gathering with you again for another dwell hello experience This one is called Old versus new in St. Louis. It is season 147 on max episode 2 and if you're saying gosh, that's funny because the last episode you did was old versus new in

Greenville was a Greenville, right or was it hunts? It was Greenville, right? And you're thinking God that's so funny that you did back-to-back old versus news. That's because Last time I accidentally took the notes for this episode because I got confused with the old versus new. So we figured as long as I'd already written the notes, we might as well do this one as well. So here we are in part two of our old versus new-a-thon on House Hunters. Well, and you know, we could do this probably

for the rest of our time recapping this show because when I was searching old versus new in Max, 10 things came up. So I think that this is just one of their old stand-by. So like old versus new in El Paso, Texas. Well, just go through all the old versus news and see how they do. Yeah.

Let's just do all the old versus new. Or if we do House Hunters International, it'll be like old versus much older. And Leon France. BC versus AC. I know. I know. Because that's basically how everything looks

in Europe on that show. Oh, very nothing. It's like, oh, is this new construction? Yeah, this is about 1735. Great. We are. Okay, so here we are in St. Louis. Linda's like, Nicole and Chris are on the hunt

in their adopted city of St. Louis. They need plenty of space for entertaining. All their friends and family, let's be honest, how much friends and family can they have? This couple doesn't come across as a friends, maybe a family kind of a couple, but not friends and family, let's be honest. How much friends and family can they have? This couple doesn't come across as a friends, maybe a family kind of a couple, but not friends and. I mean, if this girl had one friend, someone would have said, let me help you with your hair.

I mean, let's get you a hot oil treatment, shall we? I mean, we're just like, layers doesn't mean just taking child-proof scissors and literally cutting your entire haircut at different lengths. Let's go. Crazy. I know in the Midwest everything is flat, but I didn't know that meant the hair too. Poor lady.

But while Chris wants new everything, Nicole just wants to turn back time. But will she still love historical character when it comes to present day prices? Cause apparently prices is what deters her from proper hair products. I don't know, my guess. Not based on fact. Will she ever get a modern haircut? Even though she's into historical homes. Like, what the hell Nicole wants to turn back time on houses but we want to turn forward time on

some volumizer for her does that make sense not sure but it was a sick burn in my mind Nicole wants to turn back to time turn back time I want to turn Nicole's steering wheel so that she's driving towards a fantastic Sam's. Nicole wants to turn back time so that way she can make her hair look a little bit more like Cher's. I'm just trying to say it's very flat hair. Very flat. She wants to turn back time.

I just want to shave her fucking head. It's like, whoa Linda, whoa, whoa, Linda getting a little dark there, Linda. Sorry, she's very triggering to me. She reminds me of a babysitter. Linda, this is not part of the narration. So we see Nicole and this guy walking somewhere in St. Louis, and you can tell that they're transplants because they only want to be places

that are near the arch. We just moved all the way to St. Louis. We better hang out under the arch and get our money's worth. Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha- named on House Hunters. Got it girl. They're like, hi, Nicole, this is Shandy from Alpo Corporate. We're gonna have to make sure you don't mention us on House Hunters. Yeah, you're just not the ambassador that we see for a brand, thank you. Do you know how much dog food I've tasted for this company?

I'm in QA for Alpo International, which means that once a week I dress up in a dog costume and try the food. And Chris is his name. He says, my name is Chris and I'm an airline pilot at a major U.S. airline. I'm Spirit, I'm calling it right now. Let's be honest, it's Spirit.

Callin' right now. Let's be honest. It's spirit. It's spirit. Calling it now. They're both transplants to St. Louis. They met online three years ago. And speaking of transplants, let's try and get Nicole one. For her hair. Can we get a hair transplant? How about this? Can we get a bump it? Just a bump it. And put it all around her head All right. Well, since I've been in st. Louis longer than christians I've really shown him a lot of the city. I've taken him to all of the tourist attractions the arch the arch

The arch with my cat on it Women arts I told him hey, let's go to the arch and you can take a photo of me trying dog food. Oh, he goes, yeah, you know, you know, there's lots of great neighborhoods for food and drinking like human food, not the food that Nicole eats, you know, because you're gonna have that too if you just keep it in your purse, am I right?

No! So he, Nicole's laugh, for fun. What are we doing to Nicole? I know that she laughs. I know that I'm dragging Nicole like by the ankles through a really rough patch, but I love Nicole. I think she's like the cutest

thing. And she just seems like such a sweet person who's like finally found love. I know. I'm just like a great couple. They're like a great couple. They're like funny, like all the like, he just wants to play video games and then like have people over and like they're like just really nice and we're like drag her but then they're like then they're like he's like yeah and also like we love parks and then we see them walking through like this disgusting park it's like mud and puddles and dead leaves they're like wow isn't st. Louis beautiful she's like isn't St. Louis beautiful? She's like, isn't it amazing? This is one of the only parks I've ever seen

where needles grow out of the ground. And then he goes, hey, I hear there's a brewery opening up in downtown. A brewery in St. Louis, you don't say. Who would've thought? A brewery. The brewery? And she's like, so they go to the brewery and he's like, I think I'm

going to get the art of neurosis IPA. Oh yeah. These, these beers that they were. It's such IPA. They're big beer drinkers, by the way. And so yeah, she goes, uh, I'm going to get the art of neurosis IPA. And she goes, um, I'm going to get the cat spit oatmeal stout. And he goes, of course we're going to get your cat spit. And he tells us I'm not get the cat spit oatmeal stout And it goes of course we're gonna get your cat spit and he tells us I'm not a cat person and she is now

I Have two cats Booey and rudder and they've been with me for eight years. I'm like wait booey and wait So why do you have boat themed cats, but you're married to a pilot? And don't cats hate water and also Why do you have boat themed cats, but you're married to a pilot. Got the wrong. Cats hate water. And also shouldn't you live by the ocean? Hey, I'm sorry to say we're out of the cat spit oatmeal stout.

Okay. Um, could I get the dog vomit, Pilsner? Do you use that in now? I know. No, but we do have something that tastes like that. Trap pop? You ever heard of that? Someone left it for you here.

Oh, and also, sir, the Art of Neurosis IPA, we're out of that one too. Do you have any other choices? What about Oedipus Rex ale? Is that you got some of that in? Can I try this? I fucked your mother.

Is that light? Do you, do you, do you have, do you have, Um, uh, do you, do you have NER, NER, uh, narcoleptic, narcoleptic semen, pale, pale. Oh, wow. Wow. You give you a little time and look where you go. I was trying to remember.

Look where you go. I was trying to remember. I was blanking so hard. Narcoleptic semen. I was blanking so hard. I was trying to say narcissists. I couldn't, and I all I could hear was blanking so hard. Narcoleptic semen. I was blanking so hard. I was trying to say narcissist. And all I could hear was narcoleptic. I was like, it's not narcoleptic.

I was like, whatever, go with it. Wow, these two losers live in an 800 square foot bungalow. That's right, in St. Louis. So anybody wanna ask Nicole how much they pay her to taste dog food every day? Or should we just gander that it's free? Well it's small but we pretend it's a houseboat which is why we attach rudder to the bottom of the house and then just stick booey in the driveway and say

here we go all sail. Well Nicole already owned this place when they got married and then we see Chris and Nicole rocking on like the saddest port swing of all time. They're like on top of each other in this like port swing that's made for like one and a half people and they're just like trying to make it work as like a couple's port swing. Yeah so we see them at play their home and she's been there for nine years. She's like yeah I bought it when I first moved to St. Louis and it was perfect for one person, but not one person plus bully plus router plus Chris. And Chris is like on the sofa playing video games and then Nicole is like in a chair and she's got

this enormous black book. I think maybe it was a photo album, but it was like it was like she decided to look up the city archives of st. Louis. Turns out someone lived here in 1705. I do like the idea of her just sitting there with a photo book. Okay, you played Wrath of the Wild. I'm gonna look through this photo book. Oh look, it's us under the arch. Oh, here's a picture of the town we brought rudder into the elevator that goes up the arch and mother got scared and they had to close down the entire arch for 48 hours looking for her. Well they want a home in downtown St. Louis and their budget?

$6. Their budget is $350,000. I'm moving. Oh, fuck. I know. I like St. Louis. Yeah. There was nothing here. St. Louis had that really cool neighborhood. Remember, we also went to that, that part of St. Louis.

The second time we went where we stayed in that hotel that was themed like the moon, but like that strip was so cute. Oh, was that the place? The moon, the moon hotel or whatever? We went to St. Louis twice. The first time we went, we stayed at a random hotel that was like, for some reason, there were bikers downstairs, all these bikers would park in the parking lot downstairs and rev their bikes and then they would get off.

That was so annoying. But then our show was in this really hipster spot which was really cool. And then the second time. Well that hotel was pretty hipster too. That was the loft hotel. That was a really nice one. Yeah, and then the second time... Well, that hotel was pretty hipster too. That was like the loft hotel. That was a really nice one. Yeah. And then the second time we stayed in that like atomic age moon themed hotel, which was wild. But that was made no sense.

But that street, there was like several blocks of like cute shops and restaurants. It was like really cute. Yeah. That was a cute place. Yeah. I liked that. Oh, I think I'm thinking of Kansas City. I was about to say it's pretty meth-y, but I think that was Kansas. Remember, there were just all those meth guys outside? Literally, not like, oh my God, it looked like meth heads.

Actually, we only did Kansas City once, yeah. It was pretty meth-y. So Nicole wants to spend less than $350,000, which is crazy. And she's like, oh, well, we wanted, wasn't in my price range, we've been looking. So we're like, we had to take it up a little bit. Because yeah, there's not much in her price range. She literally eats cat food every morning

and calls it a job. Cause I'm cheap. Turns out that giant book was just like all her receipts. Look where I saved money. So then the back. The differences between them don't stop at budget. Nicole would like a historical home. And Chris, Chris just wants someone who doesn't eat cat food for breakfast.

Chris just wants her to take one tic tac. Just one. Chris just wants an to take one tic-tac. Just one. Chris just wants an actual fancy feast. So she wants a historic home and she's like, well it's because of water houses, you know they're solid. They've been there for 75 to 100 years. I mean they're like people, look at people. They get to 100 and they die. No, nothing. No.

Chris is like, yeah, those houses, they're solid until they're not sort of like your breath. So Chris, he's like, you know, and by the way, I'm not that handy with homes. I mean, look at me. I'm a pilot. We've, you know, we're we're going to have to pay for it anyway. So it might as well buy it, move in ready. And this is like such a guy thing to do on the show. And we've said it a hundred times recapping this. He's like, I grew up in a colonial style home.

So that's where I want to live. Cause that's how I grew up. Oh my God, live a little. Okay. Yeah. I love a little. You don't need to live in the same house you grew up in Chris. Yeah.

You can change it up in St. Louis as long as you're being wild in St. Louis and ordering things like the art of, art of self involvement, IPA, then you might as well change up the architectural style. Really, bro, you just got a cup of cum in my eye. Okay, like live a little. That's the actual name of the got a cup of cum in my eye. Okay, like live a little. That's the actual name of the beer, a cup of cum.

So Nicole says that she's looking for a four square style home, which I like to think of like she likes a home that looks like the old app, four square. She's like, I really like to check in. So she's like, I love the character and I love the original architectural features of a four square, which by the way, I had never even heard of a four square home. I did not know that was even a thing.

I didn't know either. And she's like, yeah, we love to entertain. Like normally like we have to move all of our furniture out of the living room so we can fit everybody in there. So like it would be nice to have like an open concept floor maybe and then like, you know, like a floor to hold a lot of people, maybe, and like possibly like a room like, you know, where we can eat the cat food with the people. Note to self, never go to a party at Kristen Nicole's place where you go

in and you're in a tiny room and there's nowhere to sit because all the chairs have been moved out. They're all on the lawn. I know, with the rudder. So Chris loves to cook, so he wants an island with a stove top built in, which is very specific. I know. Why do you need the stove in the island?

That's, I mean, I've seen it, but. Maybe when he's cooking, he can look at people. I always think it's weird to have a stove top on the island. I'm not opposed to it. I just feel like I want the island to be like a work area, not an area where I could like burn my hand. Well, also that's where people hang out. Do people hang out at the island

talking to you where you're cooking? You don't want them like right at the flame. I know, and then you're gonna wind up having to do like Benihana kind of stuff, cause we're all facing everyone. But I think that's the case. And you're gonna have all their talk spit in your staff, you know? Yeah, I think the gist is that when you have it there,

you can then like look at everyone, but I don't know. I like having a, I like having a, it feels just dangerous to have a stove top like out in the open like that. Yeah, it does. So she just wants outdoor space because they have a lot of friends, guys. She's like, we not only need enough room to play all of our yard games.

Oh God, they're yard game people. They're, it's like, Hey, do you guys want to come over to our party? There's no place to sit, but there's so many yard games. I'm like, no, no, no yard games. Don't make me play. Cornhole, cornhole, cornhole, your favorite. Another thing they both want, a large master bedroom. And Chris is like, yeah, where we love,

where we love the bath is small. So like, if you're on the toilet, you can put your feet into the bathtub. And we see it in here, they really can. And then he also says, I would really love to have a finished basement for entertaining and like we can show movies. And also like an area for me to play video games basement for entertaining and like we can show movies and also like an area

for me to play video games with my friends. And Nicole goes, huh, nerd alert. Nerd alert. You're the one eating cat food with rudder and buoy, okay? Oh. Okay, so let's go to house one. It's a four square style. Even after seeing it,

I still don't understand what it means. Wait, wait a second. There's one more thing before we do house number one. Oh, okay. We're one last unique item on their wish list. Shampoo. Crisco's.

A comb. A blow dryer, really anything. Mirror, a clue, a prayer. Breath mint, really there's so many things that could be on the list. I'll just keep coming up with stuff. You guys can edit whatever you want and just slot it in there.

So Chris goes, as a pilot, I spend a lot of time away from home and when I do get back, I'm looking for a house that has a large open area when you first walk in that would just welcome me in and let me know I'm home. I'm like, how about you get a welcome mat? You're the one who's voluntarily flying all around, okay? How about the fact that you put your key in the door

and turned it and you opened it and walked inside? That's your fucking welcome. Like, what do you want to fucking parade for coming home from spirit? I know, exactly. If you don't want to be like, if it's such an issue that you're away from home for so long, get a different job, okay?

Starbucks is always hiring. Yeah, exactly. So house number one is the four square. Do you understand what this style is? I'm gonna look it up right now. I think it's just like a boxy kind of home. Let's see, four square home. An American four square.

Maybe it's a home where you can play with a big red bouncy ball and bounce it from square to square. Is it a square home? I mean, they do look just like a two story homes. They all have the little, they have a triangular roof and then they all have like the little thing

in the center of the roof, the window, the three window thing or the two window thing. I forget what they're called. And the second floor has, I guess two windows and the bottom floor has two windows. So I guess that's what it is, a square house with four windows and then there's like a little

column patio thing in the front. Those little windows, porticoes, is that what a portico is? I forget, but. No, the porticoes aren't those around the little round windows. Like they look like portholes. No, porticoes actually like that little, it's almost like a little,

and it's a little thing over the door. I forget what they're called those little windows. But I'm looking on the, there's the American Four Square actually has a Wikipedia. A portico is a porch leading to the entrance of the building. I forget, it's killing me the window thing. But the American Four Square, it looks like it's actually a brand name.

It was a reaction to the ornate and mass produced elements of the Victorian and revival styles popular through the whatever. So they are plain. Oh, this is funny. This is so Nicole. The American four square was plain, often incorporating handcrafted quote unquote honest would work unless it was purchased from a mail order catalog. So I love she's like, I want the plainest house. I want a house whose signature element is that it's plain. I want a house like my hair. Plain. Needs work.

All right. All right. Okay. Oh, dormers. They're called dormers. Right. Right, okay. So they go see the first house and she's like,

oh my God, I love this neighborhood. There's so many old homes here. Because yeah, I love that there's so many trees here. It's like the Charlie Brown Christmas trees there. It's like a stick in the ground. There was one scraggly tree and he's like, wow, it's so lush. So he says, he's like, I can tell from Nicole's face that you really like this home or that she brought liked this home or

That she brought some sheepicat food. I'm not sure one of those things She might have just found some durable feed under a rock. Well, I don't know but she looks fucking happy right now I'll tell you that Secretly though, I'm a little disappointed that it's so old and that it's not colonial it better have a foyer It better have a foyer So it better have a foyer. So then we meet real to pole Sega. Wow, what a quote unquote character, huh? He reminded me of Art Smith. Do you remember Art Smith?

Oprah's chef who like, he would always appear on, for a while he appeared on Top Chef and he was like, I'm wacky, I'm Art Smith. He was on Top Chef. Oh yes, yes. He's like, I'm wacky. I'm Art Smith. He was on Top Chef last year. Oh yes, yes. He's like, I am Southern. Let me tell you something about down home cooking. I'm wacky.

Look, I lost weight. So Paul's like, welcome to 1927 Holly Hills. It's a historic home. It's, and guess what? Today is Nicole's day. It is the plaintiff of Plain Homes. Welcome. This home is so plain. No wonder why you married Chris because he literally drives a plane. Wow. Welcome to your plane home in the planes. The bed, the kitchen is large enough for you to open a box of plane crackers, which I know is probably all you fucking weirdos eat.

Let's go check that out. Let's see, look how many saltines you can put in these cupboards, am I right? So it's three bed, two and a half bath, 2900 square feet, and this is crazy. And it's $360 or something, $365,000. And I go, oh! Nicole's like, that is disgusting.

That is so high above the budget. I'm like, that is a 3,000 square foot home, ma'am. Are you crazy? That's huge. It is huge. And that 365, oh my God, that is wild. But the budget was 350, right? So it's the 2,000.

And she's like, oh my God, I can't believe you would go so far over the budget. Come on. I just want people to take out a calculator and calculate how much $15,000 is worth over 30 years. Because that's like, that's gonna add like $40 to your bill. Sorry, but that's the truth.

You do it, Nicole. Okay, so Chris is like, wow, I guess I'm hearing a basement in this price. And he goes, oh, we're going to talk about that. I'm literally making the calculation right now. I can't control myself. I'm doing the math. I'm so mad. Then you have to do the mortgage rate and the interest rate and all that crap. But it's not going to be like that's not.

Those are not going to add like a thousand per month, right? Like, I don't know. You put you put in the government, guess what you're getting? Fucked, okay? Here's how much your mortgage is gonna be. Fucked in the butthole! Look, 15,000 divided by 30 means it's gonna be $500 per year, which divided by 12 is gonna be,

it's literally $41 extra per month. So then add like $20, $25 for all the other things. I'm saying things right. Yeah, you'll be fine. You'll be four. It's literally $41 extra per month. So then add like 20 25 dollars for all the other things I'm saying yeah, you'll be fine. You're fine. You can do it. Okay, so there's a porch she likes that and Chris is like well, I guess this is more of a patio than a porch, but that could work. Oh really Chris really we're gonna We're gonna parse that. Just get your ass inside. All right, okay, just settle down. So Paul's like, I'm bringing Nicole and Chris this house

specifically because it melts vintage historic charm with quite a bit of updates. Also, by the way, did I mention it's like a deeply, deeply playing home. Plus, I also get to try out these new white frames to show them off. Pretty cool, huh? I'm such a character.

Nicole is the widest person I've showed a home to for a long time So I'm gonna have white frames today because I'm a glasses frames personality kind of a guy and I changed my personality They I've changed my glasses based on my personality for the day They walk in and there's a foyer So Chris is very happy and and there's some like really cute like stained glass windows and Paul's like, he's like, yeah, those windows, that's one of 12 in the whole house. I'm like, is that a good thing or a bad thing?

I couldn't tell by the way he said that. I mean, they're beautiful. I worry about insulation. I worry about neighbor noise. I will say, I love this house. I loved it. This is my style house. It's just so nice.

The real wood floor is, it's old, but it's all new. Like they've kept it up well. It's painted nice. I love this stained glass. I just think it's great. Yeah. And Paul takes a look at the built-in shelves and goes, oh, look, there's shelves.

I can put books there. Yeah. I love a man with imagination. And so they're like, they're like walking around. Nicole loves all the character. And Chris is like, by the way, it's not really very open concept because there's archways.

But then again, also archways, it's like we're living under the arch. Oh my God, let's take a picture. By the way, it is kind of open. I mean, it is open. Yeah. So thank you. Because I was like, this is open. Or I mean, the kitchen wasn't open.

The kitchen was a separate room. So I guess it's not open concept in that way. But OK. So they're like, oh my God, like everything but the chandelier. We're not taking it. Guys, it's gonna cost you $5. Okay. This is like the last one we did

where the girl was like, I know I like this house, but it doesn't have a blue door. And the mother's like, you can paint the blue door. So, there's like a lot of counter space. I mean, it's a small kitchen, but it looks like a very usable kitchen to me. All right,'s like a lot of counter space. I mean, it's a small kitchen, but it looks like a very usable kitchen to me.

All right, there's a lot of counter space and but Chris is really bulking at it because it's like, I think he just wanted a really big kitchen so we could entertain people. Yeah, you know, I'm sick of the open kitchen thing. I have one, you have to keep it clean all the time. I kind of miss the days of just being in having an embarrassing kitchen a leaving shit piled up in the sink and Everyone not just sing what a slob you are at all times, you know

Miss that I mean I think an open concept is really good if you have a small space and you're trying to make it feel bigger and you don't want to feel as as cramped but You know not everything has to be an open concept. My friend. Yeah. Also remember ignoring people in your own home wasn't that nice when your dad

would be like, hi family. And he's like, fuck these fucking people. And then he had his study and then your sister would like go to the playroom and she had a different, like everyone had like a different place. They could be where you don't have to look at each other. Like the way houses are now, you just know where everyone is at all times and what they're doing, what they're watching. And if you have what TV on in one room,

it's competing with the TV in the other room. Gross. Yeah. And on top of that, honestly, you have more flexibility in terms of like decor and style if you have more walls, like you can paint walls different colors and you can actually have more areas to hang art. Like actually in my place,

my place is open concept and like in the main areas open concept, which I love, I love how big an area it is, like I absolutely love it, like obviously I'm an open concept person, but like for as big as that nice big room is with all the windows and everything, there's actually like not a lot of space to hang art, like I was like, I want to put stuff on the walls, but there's like no wall to put stuff on.

And so that isn't a strange and funky downside to an open concept. Yeah, agreed. Okay, so this is a, but yeah, this house is super nice. I really like it. There's a, they don't have master bathrooms which they don't like, but the bathrooms are so nice. I really like it. There's a They don't have master bathrooms which they don't like but the bathrooms are so nice I mean they're like all the what looks like the original tile and all of that good stuff and historic home love

I am there's a heated floor and one and guess who's gonna love that the cops The cops and Nicole that's where she likes to eat the other thing is that there's a basement. Chris is really all about a basement. And so the basement is like unfinished. It's like partially unfinished. You walk through an unfinished area to get to a finished area.

It's like the bonus room. And he's like, yeah, this is exactly what I'm looking for. I can definitely see putting a TV on that wall and like some surround sound and like by the way, there is a really creepy toilet over there, though. I was like, yes, that's exactly what you want when you're gathering your friends over like, hey, come down and hang out in the den. Just don't mind the creepy toilet and the exposed wires that you have to walk through.

Yeah, all I need is a door. I mean, that's where you poop. Like how fancy do you need it? It's like we're a bunch of weird gamers are going to meet up just like at least they have somewhere to pee, you know? So now they're talking about the house. And Chris is like, well, I was hoping for something, you know, just a little bit newer,

something more of a compromise. I'm actually pretty surprised at how small that kitchen was, you know, like, but it was updated, which was nice. And, but you know what? The house, the house is like, for a house that's like currently four times the size of our house, that was really disappointing how small the kitchen is. I'm like, to be fair, I think you could probably just go into a dunk and donuts and it'll probably be four times the size of your current house.

Yeah. And I'm saying it's really hard because like, I don't want to put my hopes into this house because it's so high over budget Well, you put a lot of hopes into Chris so Sometimes just gotta go out on a limb To get under budget Nicole might have to do a little more than compromise and They start walking in another park and I'm like oh my god. Is he gonna start selling Nicole? He's gonna like start turning out Nicole. What is Linda getting at? and they start walking in another park and I'm like, oh my God, is he gonna start selling Nicole?

He's gonna start turning out Nicole. What is Linda getting at? Hey honey, let's go take another walk in a mucky park, shall we? Okay. There's a lot more pucks than say Lewis and I thought, thank God I can turn this trick. And he's like, maybe this weekend we can go flying.

All right, we can eat cat food. Either one. So working with a budget of $350,000, Chris and Nicole are looking for their first house together in St. Louis. So far they've seen a historic four square, also known as the Plainest House in all of Plain Houses. Large enough to fit their entertaining needs, LOL that they have friends. But it's over budget, and the kitchen lacks the island that Chris wants. Next up, a newer build for Chris.

Hmm, looks like this one's more in his camp than in my camp. And this one is the new one, right? Yeah, well the newer one and Paul's like, welcome to Boulevard Heights. This is one of St. Louis' newest neighborhoods. Which is why I'm wearing blue glasses. It's like, oh, geez, this queen's gonna try a different pair of glasses every house. Come on. He's wearing stripes that are sort of like

the Hudson Bay Company, which is like this Canadian company that has like famous stripes, but they're not. I'm like, you're gonna really wear a rip off Hudson Bay pattern on this show. I don't know. We see, we see. I don't know how many people are actually upset about that, but I did, of course.

So, Paul's like, yeah, this has all the bells and whistles of new construction, but does it have character? So they come in, this one is called New Construction. This one's not cute. It's open, you know, it is an open floor plan. But it's awful. It's awful, this one's terrible.

This one, everything's like piled up on each other in that living space, right? It was like the couch is like a butting, the dining room table or whatever. Yeah, whoever. I don't know if someone still lives there. It looks like someone lives there. And there's like a, when it goes to the kitchen,

there's a counter that looks like one of those counters that you put bar stools at, you know? So people can kind of, except they put the dining room table right there. And so the chairs are kind of backed up into that. I mean, it's just not. It's awful. Yeah, it's got like a like kind of like a peninsula.

And yeah, nothing makes sense. Like even, maybe it's just like terribly staged, but this is like, this is the worst example of open concept where it's like, yes, it's technically open concept, but without any sort of usefulness, right? It's just like one big long room. So like that's not, it's like, it's like a big hallway,

a big hallway that like with table touching chairs and chairs touching stools and stools touching. And he's like, there's no foyer. How am I supposed to know I'm home? Like, oh, for fuck's sake. So there anywhere to hang coats? Oh no, I can't hang my coat. We can't buy this place.

How am I supposed to know I'm not on the airplane still? I know, God. I hate to like shatter his world view but there is such a thing as coat racks that you can purchase. You don't necessarily need to have a closet. So he likes the kitchen because there's an island but then we see the island and first of all,

I don't know who set this kitchen up, but the kitchen seems to be sideways. I'm you walk in and there's an island, but it's really small. It looks like this the height of a table and it's square. And then it's kind of facing the wrong way. It's weird. I'm not sure. It's like a chunky mailbox that they just said, this is an island. It's weird. I'm not sure. It's like a chunky mailbox that they just said, this is an island. Like it's it's like a filing cabinet. It makes it's it's like it's just there so they can say that the kitchen has an island,

but it is so not functional. Yeah. And so they go look around. They go to the look at the backyard or whatever, and it's a small backyard and he goes, God, that is tiny. Holy cow. Is there even enough room for a grill out here. And she's like, it's way too small to have our friends over. Can we play horseshoes in the islands? It's like, no.

And then there's like a family, and then there's this weird family room that's like off of the kitchen. So you like, you have this open concept that goes the kitchen and then the layout then veers to the right And there's like a weird den kind of area This like nothing makes sense with this layout. It's terrible. And this is allegedly new construction which meant that someone Built this recently thinking that they were fitting into modern trends

Yeah Didn't work out so great. So there's a basement. This is an unfinished basement, but it's really big. And he's like, whoa, I could be in a basement. You know what I see when I look at this basement? A basement. So I could totally picture that. And he's like, well, we can add stuff later on because it's under budget, right?

I hate when people keep saying that. Do you know how much it costs to have someone come in and put in walls? Just walls. Just do the smallest thing. I have a door in my house that has warped, and now if I try to open it, it's against the floor. It's like, argh.

So all I have to do is get a handyman to shave off an inch of this door. And it's taken me a year. It's taken me a year just to shave off an inch of this door. And I've been, it's taken me a year. It's taken me a year just to shave off an inch of a door. You think it's just, you're just gonna get some vintage touches added to this shitty generic house? House? Absolutely not. And where does a vintage touch, what does that mean?

You don't just add vintage touches anyway. Well, yeah. It doesn't that like, isn't that like an oxymoron adding a new vintage touch? Like like I don't think that works You know what we need new vintage Also when they're looking at one of the bathrooms because the bathroom is nice and there's like this really big garden top and Nicole's like Well, we're not really bath people or shower people. Sorry. I know it wasn't my turn to speak yet, but I just couldn't resist These people won't even go near a garden hose.

Really hate grooming. That's why I encourage their neighbors just to throw water balloons at them, just anything, just to wash the grime off. Okay, so let's see. The next house, house number three, is a four bedroom Four bath, and I think he's in yellow glasses today certain. There's new glasses. So I think so and

It's a very it's a brick. It's a brick house, which is cute actually and Chris is like, you know, I'm liking that this house has a front porch nook. I just wish it were bigger. I'm like, sir You are so lucky to have any sort of porch I'm I just I I'm just not ready. I'm not here for Chris's complaining about porches and patios Well, I'm a lot of a lot accept that for new Chris So Paul's like welcome to the hail. This is a turn of the century, 1901 Victorian-esque shell. Okay. That's what I wanna hear from my house.

It's a shell, it's a Victorian-esque shell. Yeah. But it does have a turnkey interior inside. And she goes, oh my God, perfect, right on button. It's also haunted by a dead parrot, which is why it's so cheap. Okay, let's come on in. I'm bringing Chris and Nicole to this house

because it's the perfect marriage of his wants and her flat hair. Okay, let's take a look. Her historic love of pioneer hair. So there's a foyer. So Chris of course is like, you know, in ecstasy. He's like, oh yeah, separate hair. Oh my God, anybody, anybody want me to want to watch me take off my jacket and hang it up? God damn, this is hot. Oh, it's like I'm home, you know, because without this foyer, I think I'm just getting onto another jet. Ah, yes.

So this was kind of pretty, but it is small and open concept. And they're like, where do you even put the TV in here? Which I think is a very good thing to ask. I think a lot of people don't ask that when they're looking at places. And a lot of people don't think about it when they're making a new home. But TVs in modern homes are like 100 inches. I mean, it's true. You better think about where that thing goes. Yeah.

And so, um, they have like, it's interesting because it's kind of like open concept and also closed concept at the same time, right? Cause there's like a living in a dining room that are open concept. And then the dining room opens up to like an eat in kitchen and the kitchen's like big. This is like really nice. Yeah. These stages for whatever reason, decided to put red everywhere. It's like, you know what's going to make this place stand out red.

Let's put red in there. There's red chairs and red every it's weird and like mustard plates. But this show is not about the staging. I get it. But whoever stage this place is a weirdo. We need we need. We need I think St. Louis needs some help with its staging. I think that's for real. I feel like Paul did this.

It looks like a colored glasses kind of a design. I totally agree. And then he's like, and now check this out. A walk in pantry, which by the way, I would love a walk-in pantry. I, that would be my dream. Walk-in pantry. I don't have a pantry.

I don't have any pantry. Really? Yeah, it sucks. I just have a cupboard. And I have, so I have, I'm not cupboard, but like I've got like shelves with, I guess it's cupboard, right? Cabinet, I've got a cabinet,

but it's like really, really, really deep. And I think like the idea is like, look, it's covered, right? Cabinet, I've got a cabinet, but it's like really, really, really deep. And I think like the idea is like, look, it's really deep. So you can keep everything you want in here. But of course, everything that's deep, that's in the back, you can't access. And it's also high up. So like it's all wasted space and it drives me nuts.

And I just want to walk in pantries someday in my life. Yeah, it sounds like a dream. Wow. So they go outside, they do like. Yeah, sounds like a dream. Wow. So they go outside, they do like the outside, I think a little bit better, but there's like a garage in the back of the yard and it's just a roof. And what do they call it?

They call it a car garage. And the car garage, it's not a garage, it's a garage. Meaning that it's literally, it's a garage door, like you open up a garage door It's a garage, meaning that it's literally it's a garage door. Like you open up a garage door and a car pulls in, but the structure is open. It's like you've heard of like, you know, like at a restaurant, like a cafe that has like indoor outdoor dining. This is like indoor outdoor garage. It's super weird.

And it's also not painted or anything. So there's a roof on it's also not painted or anything so I think there's a roof on it but there's no walls. There's like side walls and there's a front wall on the street but there's no back wall so you park your car and then you just walk into the yard so it's like aesthetically covered and it has the feeling of a garage. Yeah it's super weird. I've never seen that. That was the weirdest thing I've seen. So Paul's like that's called covered Okay, you want grateful little fucks. So let's go. And you're willing to spend $2 in a tootsie roll wrapper. Okay, you never heard of innovations. Come on now.

So they go upstairs. By the way, he's not Southern. I can't. Oh, bro. I don't need this shit. So, you know, upstairs is like a, it's like a nice second floor. By the way, in Paul's, to Paul's credit, I like the way he sort of doesn't like them because whenever Chris complains, he's like, well, Chris, today's not your day. Okay. Today's flat hair. Say tomorrow you get yours. Okay, today's flat hair stay tomorrow you get yours. And he also says things like I don't care. Well, I mean he doesn't say I don't care, but in a way he does when they're like, what is that a garage? It's a garage. Well, I don't like that. Okay. He just like, he'll just make like a little okay and move along at the house. Like,

do you want me to apologize for the way that I personally built this home? You fucking numbskulls. You want me to take notes from someone who's not even wearing matching glass frames? OK. OK. Quiet down, spirit airlines. So they go up to the, there's like a bonus area upstairs.

And so even though there's not like a good basement for the game room, there is like a bonus, like a good game room area upstairs. And they're like, oh, and by the way, if you look through this window, you can see the arch. Like, oh my God, there's a view of the arch. It's like, if you stand on your left foot and then jump on the third hop,

you'll probably be able to see the very tip of that arch. They're like, wow, how special. I was like, oh, it's amazing. We can take pictures of each other right from this room. So they go down to the basement, which is terrible. And Chris is like, this is awful. It's like, yeah, dummy, why do you think I showed you the bonus space on the third floor, you idiot?

It's a, and now it's time to decide. Nicole's like, I love house number one, stained glass windows, original wood floors. I lied down there and ate a little bit of cat food. It was delicious. But there was no island and there was no stove top on an island. Oh, and it didn't remind me of my childhood in a colonial.

How do I even know I'm home without a foyer? House two, he loves the new construction, but it lacked the character, but it had a good backyard and then house, oh no, it had a bad backyard. But with no cornhole to untone. Yeah, I had a small backyard with no cornhole availability. And then house three was, you know,

it was like, looked like new construction from the curb. So, and they're like, wow, how many houses can you see the arch from? I'm like, I imagine in St. Louis you can see the arch from several houses, to be honest. It's kind of a tall thing. Yeah, for this. Um, I thought they were going to choose house number three, because it was kind of in the middle of what both of them wanted. But you know what?

It's so hard to pick on this show because they pick number one, my favorite. Yeah, I thought they were gonna do house number three, which by the way, I didn't mind house number three. I thought house number three seemed all right. But they chose house number one and then they move in and they just move all their shitty small bungalow furniture in.

Like all, it's just all this pleather crap, just disgusting all in this house. It's like, okay, well, here it is. But they were actually really cute because then he got one of those like Ikea islands that you can like build and he really wanted to get into the kitchen. He had a little rolly ones.

It was actually really cute. Yeah, he's gonna spill off that thing a lot though. I feel like he's the guy who's gonna do all his chopping on that. I'm gonna be like, oh! I'm gonna be like, god damn it, Paul, you spilled again, or Chris, you spilled again. Fuck me, it.

Yeah, they're actually like a super cute couple and he basically was like, yeah, I'm gonna get the house that she wants. And I was like, you're a good man, Paul. I mean, Chris, and you too, Paul. Oh, you're just so generous, Chris. Chris, you have no taste. We saw what you wanted, okay?

So now you're gonna get the fucking 3,000 square foot home also, because it's the biggest and the best. Shut up, Chris. Oh, needs your opinion. So they go in there and they're sitting on, they're in the basement and there's lawn chairs in there and he goes, yeah, this is her style, cheap. And they laugh.

And he goes, you know, I've really come to appreciate the character more. It makes me look back and realize how many people have loved this house. And your wife, she's a slut. Sorry, I just can't control myself. Every person your wife sleeps with, she lets cut a little bit off of her hair. That's why it's so lumpy and uneven. You know what she says about the arch? Hair goes...

And that's it. Thanks so much for listening to Dwell Hello. We'll be back in two more weeks with another recap of an episode. As always, we love suggestions. If you want to send us a suggestion for house hunters or house hunters international or even in one of the stranger house hunters, there's some weird other house hunters out there. Email it to us at watchwatchacrappens at gmail.com and please put in your subject dwell hello suggestion if you don't do that as the subject there's a very high chance we will never see the email so thanks everyone in advance for those suggestions and we're going to catch you on

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