Watch What Crappens - Dwell Hello #404: The Other Business of Love in Amsterdam

Episode Date: February 13, 2024

An aspiring matchmaker moves to Amsterdam to try and bang clients, which seems completely ethical and sane. We’re here to egg her. On. Egg her on. This is House Hunters International S176E03, and we watched it on Max!Find bonus episodes at patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens and follow us on Instagram @watchwhatcrappens @ronniekaram @benmandelker Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Well, hello. And welcome to Dwell Hello, a house hunters podcast by us, Ben and Ronnie from Watch for Crappins. Hi, Ronnie. How's it going today? Good. What's going on with you, baby? Not much. Ready to dive into this hilarious House Hunters International episode. This is House Hunters International, the other business of love in Amsterdam. That is, if you go on to Max, Volume 8, Season 176, Episode 3,

the other business of love in Amsterdam. And this was recommended by Gabby. Just as a reminder, if you have recommendations for Dwell Hello, you can email us, watchercrapins at gmail.com, and just be sure to put in your subject dwell hello suggestion, because those are the keywords we use when we look up suggestions. So if you don't use that or if you message us on Instagram, there's a good chance we won't ever see it.

So just a heads up for that. And thank you, Gabby, for recommending this episode, because I absolutely loved it. Okay, so here we go. The Other Business of Love in Amsterdam. We begin with shots of Amsterdam, which seems like a really fucking beautiful, cool place. I want to go there.

So cute. I want to go there too. And it's like very lovely and European and adorable. And there's like ladies lunching outside being European and just happened to the time of their life. Well, they're being like Americans. being European, you know what I mean? Because they're very much like, oh my God,

where else could you do this? Like literally sitting at a cafe outside? I mean, you certainly can't do that in America. Amar right, girls? You literally can. But they're like, oh my God, we're in Europe. Everything is so much more glamorous. And one of the ladies is like,

as they say, living your best life. Am I right, girls? So the narrator Linda comes on and says, bored with her 9 to 5 in Maine, Melissa wants to mix things up personally, professionally, and hopefully fashionably, too, by spreading the love in Amsterdam. Melissa, nobody needs you spreading your love, okay? I don't like people spreading love, first of all. That means disease, that's what I hear.

I hear spreading disease, and I need a mask. Here's my thing with this narrator. So we know that the original Linda passed away, right? Yes. So Linda passed away. That voice didn't change. No. This is still Linda.

Did they AI her ass? What did they do with Linda's voice? This lady, you can tell, isn't Linda at one point. She like slips. I think it was like in this beginning part because she was too happy. She's like, I'm bored with her nine to five. But it was the same voice. It was just like someone goose Linda in the office or something.

I don't know. But like this was not Linda. But then it reverted more to Linda later. and I'm wondering if they have like a robot Linda. What do you think? Well, I think they've actually had a few Lindas, believe it or not. And I think it's like James Bond. You know, there are different people that take on the role of Linda.

And they may come and go, but Linda is Linda. Like, Linda is the cultural icon. And we have those who had like a very long and special run as Linda. But Linda is bigger than any one human. And I think this person tried to do maybe a spin on Linda. And they're like, no. you have to do Linda properly. And they're like, but this is house hunters,

so we're not re-recording the first half of the episode where you already tried your own. Just do the invitation we hired you for. Yeah. So we see Melissa and Melissa, who is the one from Maine, and she says, I am opening up a matchmaking agency, but I'm also looking for a partner in the Netherlands. I was like, okay, so you're already setting yourself up for,

so much failure. This is a sick woman. And let me tell you, this is like me opening up a business selling donuts. I'm really just trying to get a loan from a bank to buy me donuts. That is her. Just pay for sex. If you just want to pay for sex, just pay for the sex, okay? Because at this point, you're just kind of being a pimp so you can get laid.

Yeah, she's doing her own rom-com where she's going to set up like a guy with a girl, but then she realizes that she falls in love with a guy. It is like a weird thing. I didn't know that like, it's, I don't know that matchmakers are like actively matchmaking for themselves while they're matchmaking for other people. I think that's not ethical. I think that's not ethical at all. That's unethical. It's double dipping.

Yeah, it's double dipping. And also, who trusts this lady when you're getting basically to hand me down? It's like everybody that Melissa doesn't like, okay, she can fuck you, Felicia, you know. I know. You know she's going to bet them for herself first before they go out into the world. And where she can even find? You're new to this country. That's what's so wild to me is she's new to this country,

doesn't know a single person, and yet she's going to be a matchmaker. How is she going to meet people? How does she even know, like, different customs, different culture? Like, how's it even going to work? Let me tell you one thing about Melissa. Melissa does not give a fuck, okay? Melissa is just like in her own little head right now.

And you know that she's doing this because her parents like, please don't do this, Melissa. We're from Maine. And she's like, I don't care, mother. I'm going to live my goddamn life. And you're going to do nothing about it. They're like, oh. And she, like, gets off on hurting her parents.

I mean, I don't know. The other thing is that Melissa's very corporate. Like, you can tell she spent the past, like, 15 years in corporate America. Because everything she says, the cadence of her voice and her phrases are all very corporate. She's like, well, we're going to have, like, a level set on this matchmaking when we get to Amsterdam. But we're really opening to it and we're going to adjust our expectations perfectly for it. That's her favorite thing to say. I need to adjust my expectations about the spouse.

balcony because I was thinking of one thing, but I don't want to kick what you're saying off the table either. So I think what needs to happen is I need to adjust my expectations about it. I need to really circle back to this, to this balcony. I just want to bump this balcony up in case it got lost a little bit. So as per my previous email, I'm going to have to adjust my expectations about this balcony. Oh my God, this living room did not BCC. C. the dining room, and now the dining room knows where the living room is, and I can't love like this. We're really going to need to have a level set with this dining room right now. So, um, uh, Linda's like, but balancing the personal adventures she'd love with the business of love can be tricky. Did you

notice how I said she and of and emphasized them? That was fun. Linda is just fucking cracked out of her mind. I'm sure if we could look into the vocal booth right now, we would see white powder on Linda's nose. I don't know what's happening to her, but this is where I definitely noticed her being like, balancing the personal adventures of love with the adventures is love. And the adventures in love. It's like, damn, Linda, you're getting into your own supply with you, Melissa.

And furthermore, if this bitch gets a man before I do, then I officially quit. So the real estate lady, who is amazing. I think her name is Roz, I think we find out. And she is, yeah, she's played by Ellen Burstyn. She's played by Ellen Burstyn. She was. Oh, by the doctor today and there was a nurse played by Ellen Barkin. Isn't that crazy? Wow. I've seen in Ellen Barkin and an Ellen Bernstein today. Wow, that's amazing. Yeah. So Ellen Berkin, Roz. Her name is, her name is like Roz Frumkin or something like that.

Yeah, Ross Frumkin. Ross Fremkin, played by Ellen Burstyn, is like, hmm, well, her wish list is very specific. This is going to be a challenge, okay? And it's one of many challenges for this lady. And Melissa is like, maybe I should have asked for a drink. That would have helped. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Oh, Ross.

Ross is like, it's sadder when you're single. I'm just going to leave it there. So we see shots of Amsterdam. And Melissa gives us her interest. She's like, 12 years ago, I vacationed to Amsterdam. To be honest with you, I fell in love immediately. The overwhelming vibe, the culture, the food. I saved my money to do more trips.

And to fuck more Randos in the streets from Amsterdam. Why I can lie? But this sad lady always returned to Maine for what she thought was her American dream. More like her American sadness. Did you know that lobsters are actually the bottom feeders of the ocean? Once I found that out, Maine was dead to me. Wow, if Maine is full of people like Melissa, they'll have to rename the state plane. Am I right, everyone?

I grew up in Maine with a 9 to 5 mentality. You find a job, you find a home, and I had that. I was like, wow, you're really selling, you're really selling Maine here. Maine, the town of finding a job and buying a home. I know. I worked in insurance for 14 years. And unfortunately, for those 14 years, I was totally unfulfilled. Really, I can't imagine why that would be.

She, by the way, if you ever wanted to see someone who worked in insurance, just look at Melissa. Like this, she is exactly. She didn't even have to tell me she worked in insurance for $4. 14 years. I mean, it just is all over the place. Her purse told me. So Melissa's like, yeah, it was unfulfilling. And then we see a picture of a cake that says, I quits and a nice way, parentheses. She would have a parenthetical on her cake. So she's turning her admiration of Amsterdam into a permanent affair. And while she's hoping to find love in her new city, She's also hoping for love with others as she looks for her new life.

I'm like, are you, is that the sound of you shooting a parent? Someone helped Lisa Linda. So let's see this boring girl try to find love in an exotic new location. Main girls really do well in Amsterdam, I hear. Not. So Melissa is like, so I'm going to be a matchmaker, because everyone knows the best way to find love is through someone who's worked in insurance for 14 years. Even though I've never matched people except with policies, I have done a lot of dating, mainly dating in terms of like coming up with term life insurance.

And I've done it in a lot of different countries and I've done it online. I'm basically an international slut. That's right. Well, I've eaten everything off DoorDash in my area. I'm going to be a restaurateur now. I love Melissa's like, I've fucked so many people. I'm totally qualified to be a matchmaker. No, you're not.

Okay, you're qualified to own a nice pack of wet wipes. What do you know about matchmaking from dating a bunch of fucking people? I've fucked a ton of people. I don't know anything about matchmaking. Yeah, especially when you don't know anyone in the city. So she goes, you know, maybe I'll meet someone. I know I'm single. I'm very single.

For some reason, when I say on Tinder, that I work in insurance for 14 years, they're always disappearing after that. I don't know what it is. So I'm just like super, super insurance. Single right now. So I'm excited for a big change, but I have concerns about money.

I'm relying on savings. So I really need to live in Amsterdam, but I'm hopeful. I'm hopeful. So then she goes to have like sex in the city drinks, and she finds out her realtor is Ellen Bernstein. I feel like she was hoping for this like traips through the city, you know? Kim control.

Just like her. Yeah. She was hoping for her like Kim Katrall and she doesn't get it. She has Roz. And so, but Roz can't stand her by the way, which is hilarious. Ross is a relocation specialist. And she's like, so have you done this work before? I just want you to know in my mind there was air quotes around the word work.

You're a matchmaker. So how many different locations? have you failed at that business in? Because it's going to fail here. She's like, well, no, I haven't done it before, but I thought it would be a good way to get to know the city. Get a map, Roz. Okay?

Trying to get random strangers to fuck all over the city is not the best way to find the city. Get a map, Roz. Thomas Guide, okay? You know, she's wanting to start up a matchmaking business, and she wants a personal touch, and she's found her niche. So I really wish her the best in this very failing line of work she wants to do. But, you know, properties here are completely different than in the States. Definitely more different than Maine.

I just assume she lives in a shack over a bed of lobsters, right? Is that what Maine is like? Where people get murdered in horrible satanic ways. Like, that's what I think of Maine because of Stephen King books. So did you notice that Roz was mouthing everything that Melissa said? Ross is one of those people that when you talk, she's like mouthing what you say. Like you're saying lines that were pre-written and she knows the lines and she's trying to help her daughter get through the lines. That's crazy.

She's like Luke Combs singing along with Tracy Chapman when it's not his part to sing. Did you notice that? Did we talk about that? Yeah, you told me about it. So Melissa's like, so I'm looking for at least two bedrooms. I really need a guest bedroom for the no one who are going to come visit me. And also I want two bathrooms. and it's got to be new, it's got to be newly remodeled.

If you want to put it in a tug vote, that's okay. I was raised on one, main, hashtag main. And in the city, like, I want, like, easy transportation. And my budget, um, $5. Do you have any $5 rentals per month, the city center? Wow, wow, wow. Okay, okay. Okay.

So my job is to manage expectations. Okay. That's below what we're going to be looking at, is, is the amount that you just gave me. So I'm going to have to basically do what you would do to any of the guys that you're going to try and fuck here. You're going to have to manage their expectations, which is what I'm going to have to do with you, okay? Yeah. Wow, she really took my breath away, okay?

She doesn't have a lot on her wish list, and she's going to, her income is going to be matchmaking, okay? Plain Maine over here. Plain Jane from Maine is going to be matchmaking, and that's going to somehow pay for living in the city center. Oh, God. I'm nervous for her. And so they drive a little microcar around the city, which is funny because all the Bravo shows that we cover, we always talk about how the storylines seem to like parallel each other or come to a head with each other, totally different shows.

Like one show they're in Mexico City on gondolas, and then the next show they're on a boat. You know, they're in Miami on a boat. It's like their boat thing. On this one, it's microcars because Lala was just talking about how she's into everything, except micro penises. Oh, wow. Yeah. And then this one, they're in a micro car.

And we just did these recaps back to back. Don't, don't, don. There's a really fascinating tidbit of information for everybody out there. Thanks for coming. Yeah. So they're driving this tiny car. And Roz is like, so the size of this car, that's about the size of the apartment you can get for $2,200 a month. Just want to just set expectations, you know.

Have you ever driven an apartment before because you're doing it right now? Yeah. This is basically a micro car. You might know it as a micro brain. You know that thing that's telling you you can actually afford to live here and start a business that nobody gives a fuck about here. Okay. So we look at house number one. It's a two-bed, one point five bathroom, but it's $2,700 a month.

And Roz does that thing where she goes, yeah, but that's the price of living in the city. Okay. Okay, Maney McMinerson. This is a city living now. Well, I really like the area, but the price. is high and I'm not sure I'm prepared to spend that much. We're going to need to do some team building. Okay, well, how about this? Why don't we do some matchmaking and the first match we'll do is you with a real job and then you can afford this place. Okay. How about we take a match to that

outfit? And then we can start talking like adults. So I love this first place. This is Adorbsies. It was so adorbs. It's like a, it's a cute smallish place, but I think a really good starter apartment and it has was it herringbone or chevron floors but like nice wood floor and it's fully furnished by the way which i think is significant and had this dining room area this nice long dining room lots of natural light and it had a gas dough but it also had this cute garden area like a little courtyard garden area and i was like this is so melissa like melissa is someone who likes having her own little private garden she can sit there she can have coffee outside this is so her i already know this is the place that she should take it is

the cutest and it's like you said furnished and it's well furnished it's leather like really pretty leather couches and it's just so cute i watch a lot of british detective shows or like british mysteries and stuff and they all have houses like this where they go like in a line from the front all the way to the back the back wall is always a wall of windows and doors that leads out to the garden so every house is lit from the front and the back and i just love that style i think it's so cute yeah and there's like a little storage shed. And Melissa's like, wow, you know what? This wasn't on my list, but it needs to be added. I really, really like this. Oh, yeah. Also, gainful employment. Maybe put that on your list next to the shed. How about a job? That would be great.

So Melissa's like, yeah, but also out here, I can see the neighbors. So I'm going to have to get used to that. Oh, gosh. You know, I guess I guess you'd say we're going to have to manage my expectations. Yeah. We'll reset them a little bit. We have to reset them. I was like, or you can just use the drapes that are attached to the window, and that way they don't have to see you and you don't have to see them. That's, that's an expectation you could look into. Yeah. So then they look at the bedrooms and they're small, but they're nice, and especially one is really small. And there's a very nice bathroom with like new marble and gold pictures and stuff. Oh my god, the marble is great. I love this place. So Melissa's like, I like it.

I like the light front to back the kitchen. It's fantastic. You know what? It's perfect. for a matchmaking business. Ross is like, uh-huh, yeah, I mean, that doesn't really make sense, but sure. I can't wait to talk about what people like in the bed while I'm making pancakes for them in this open kitchen. Yeah, so, but Melissa's like, you know, but the price, like, you know, that like, it might need to be adjusted. So now we go to, we're back in the microcar, skedaddling across the same. city. And Melissa's like, wow, you know, it's so different looking for a place here versus being a tourist. And Roz is like, uh-huh, yeah, um, you know, I'm going to have to take you to a shack

five miles away, right? Like, you cannot afford the city. Yeah. Just, yeah, when I moved here, I just wanted a pizza. So one time, I got a pizza and I threw it in the microwave. And I thought it was a margarita pizza. But then it started smelling really fishy. It was salmon pizza. That doesn't even exist in the U.S., but here we are with salmon pizza, and that's why you're going to have to spend $10,000 a month, you fucking moron. What were you expecting cheese? What did you want, round pieces of cheese on your pizza? Good luck.

I guess what I'm just trying to tell you, Melissa, is that you might want to reconsider this matchmaking thing because people are going to go to you expecting a margarita pizza of a relationship, and you're just going to serve them secret salmon, okay? So maybe rethink it. I got news for you, okay? You think you're going to get something for $2,000. a month here. Well, listen here, horny lady. You're fucked.

Okay? Now, I know you're from Maine, so you're used to, you know, a lot of fish, et cetera, but you're going to have to I actually don't know where I'm going to go. I just want to just put that out there. I know you used to fish. So Melissa's like, so honestly, the first time I came here

was, I was, because I, you know, I had this perception that there's just going to be a lot of people shooting up in the street. Because, But you know Proceptutes That is because Anyone's parents who have been here

Like my parents are like Oh we went to Amsterdam Oh my God It was like they have a red light district Oh my God We got weed I don't even remember the rest of the day You know that's all you hear about it

It is like the fucking and the drugs So Melissa is like Yeah This is a real Humdinger of a place Gang fucking and a heroin That's what I thought But I was traveling through Europe.

And so I thought I'd check it out because, you know, girl gets horny. So they had such a vibe here. It's just love and this energy and just everyone outside enjoying their life. You know why they're outside? Because their houses are like shoebox. They can't fit in their houses. Have you seen nothing yet? I'm not going to lie.

Everything I'd heard about Amsterdam is that it's basically like a living version of Requiem for a dream. And so that's why I'm a little freaked out that my realtor is Alan Burstyn. So the narrator Linda's like, So Melissa moved to bring love and people, to bring love to people, but her tiny budget might be setting her up for heartbreak. Get it, because she's a matchmaker, and she's also very lonely in life.

So then the real estate, Roz, is like, this bitch is poor, and it's sad. So we're going to go to Amsterdam Nord, and you have to take a ferry there, but you get large rooms and new builds, and it's like where we, We try to direct the lost people here to the north, so we don't have to deal with them in the city, okay?

This is where we put our matchmakers and people who don't really help out society. When she's ready to get a real job, I will help her find something in the city center. Okay, well, we're going to have to take a ferry. Oh, God, I love gay people. No, a ferry, a ferry to get there. And Melissa's like, how often do they run? They only run every 15 minutes? Oh, God.

Well, it wasn't a long ride. But I just don't know. I just don't know if I want to rely on a ferry. Don't worry. There are plenty of ferries to take you to all the things of nothing you'll be doing. So this one is a high-rise. And this one is really, really nice. Like it's huge.

It's got wood floors. It's got this like glass office type thing, like where all the walls are glass, kind of in the middle of it. It's really nice. It's like the neighborhood. is like a former industrial neighborhood that's being turned into like a chic place, kind of like the Art District in L.A., in downtown L.A., or probably certain areas of Brooklyn, like you sort of like loft, that kind of thing. But the thing is, again, it's farther away.

It's not really in the city center, and you got to take a ferry to it. And, you know, and Melissa's like not a fan. She's like worried about taking a ferry. And Razz is like, well, think of it this way. It's not a ferry. It's an adventure, a slow move. long, uninteresting adventure

with other people on cars. You're going, think of it like this. You're going to be taking a journey from a place where people have fun and money to a place where people are poor and live by old abandoned ships.

A place where you have to stare at a decrepit storefront for three years, praying every single day it'll be turned into a coffee shop, and then when it finally does, you've already signed the lease on someplace else. So, speaking as someone who used to live in Staten Island, thank you, everybody. Sit down. I do not need a standing ovation for that. Everybody, hold on, I'll wait for the plaza to die. Okay. I did take a ferry every day. And it was kind of nice. I liked it kind of, but it got old.

And man, if you miss that last ferry, you are fucked. I mean, I think they run all night, but at a certain time, they start running every hour and a half or something like that. Oh, that is not cute. that yeah but on the plus side I imagine when you take the very into Manhattan you get to like quietly sing let let the river run to yourself totally pretend you're in the opening credits of working girl oh you get to sing so many things and that's like the city of dreams you know like you're on there and you're like you come to Manhattan you see the buildings coming closer to you every day it's just so beautiful or like at night when you're going home and at sunset you're like bye goodbye Manhattan goodbye statue of liberties it's all very romantic I loved it now of course where I lived was a total fucking dump, but it was missing a column.

And so half the house was sagging down. It's like if you sat in a rolling chair, it would all, it would roll down. Oh, wow. I don't know why the, I don't know why Satin Island has such a bad reputation. Yeah, St. George, God, I miss you. Okay. We should find a Staten Island house hunters. I'm sure there's one out there.

Oh, God, there's got to be. There's got to be. Okay, so large closets, room and newness. That's what I wrote. So Melissa's, like, oh my God, it's so big. I'm in. This closet's huge. And she's like, well, if you like closets, you're really going to love the views. She's just, oh, my God, I can see everything. What are those container ships? She's like, yeah. It's not beautiful. I like, I like, um, I like

Raz saying that sentence as if it makes any sense. If you like the closets, you're going to love the views. They have nothing to do with each other. But she sells it like they, like they do. And she's like, oh, my God, I love it. You know, I love this. I can. can see everything. I can see Amsterdam and all those people and loving relationships and I'm here on Lonely Island. I love it. If you love the closet and you love the view, you should see the view in the closet. Get in there. Get in there. Just locks the door at least. Ross. Ross, I was expecting to be let out of here, but I guess I'm going to have to manage my expectations about that, Ross. Ross. Okay, well, I guess I'm no longer going to be on my house hunt, so I guess I'll just

make myself a cake that says, I quit in a nice way, this house hunt. Okay, so there's a nice, large, everything here is big. That's the basic thing. Very big, very new, very pretty, and it's in her budget. So I think this one's pretty good, but she keeps saying like, but what about the people that I'm going to be matchmaking? They're all going to be in the city. People need to fucking ignored too.

I mean, what the hell? Listen, we already know this is going to be her choice because it's within her budget. It's actually a lot of space. And let's be honest, Melissa is the sort of person who you're having dinner. And she goes, well, guys, I hate to leave early, but I do have to catch the fairy. Like, that's probably her favorite thing to say. There is something so magical about that being able to just be like, I have to leave. I don't live close to here.

And just being able to leave everything. Like, I don't really want to stay out, especially now. Like, I don't want to stay out until 2 in the morning. I'm exhausted. Sorry, got to go back to the Nord, bitches. So now we see it's lunch with the ladies and Melissa's hanging out and Melissa's saying, you know, there's just something different in Amsterdam, I noticed, really different than Maine. I wonder what it could be.

Is it everything? Because, you know, when you go out, you know, as a certain age, people are just like with their friends. So when you're approaching someone as a single person that I might be interested in, there's like a feeling of fear because, you know, everyone knows each other and everyone sits at a table. and as you approach, they sort of like turn their back towards you and say, oh, God, disgusting American incoming at 3 p.m. And I say, wait, are you talking about me? And they say, just act really still. She won't notice us if we're still. It's just so awkward all the time. It's got to be so awkward living in Amsterdam when, well, probably less now that we have

legal weeds so widely spread here in America. But I would imagine that when we didn't, every time you see in America, and they're probably just stoned out of their fucking gourd because they can be, There's probably such like weed tourism there where people are like, yeah, I'm American. And they're just like staring at a tree, you know, like, oh my God, it's another fucking American over there. I think that Melissa's going through an existential crisis because, you know, she was raised in Maine and she probably was like raised. Like her dad was probably like a fisherman. Her mom ran the local diner. Everyone had these real rustic ways wearing flannel, catching lobsters.

And she's worked hard to develop this corporate accent that like shed away all the. all the main accent. And now she comes to Europe as a sophisticated lady who worked in insurance and they're like, they can smell the, the American in her. And she's worked so hard to elevate herself. And she still can't get a seat at the proverbial table. Well, also, you know where else it's really hard to approach a table of friends and just sit down and start talking to them?

Anywhere. Who wants that? When I'm sitting at a table, could you imagine? Like, we're just sitting there having a nice conversation and fucking Melissa comes up. like, hi, I'm Melissa. Want to talk? Want to be friends? No, I don't, Melissa.

Yeah. Okay? And I did not ask her name. Now, unless you have fucking fish and chips, walk away from my table, ma'am. Yeah. I mean, the sad truth is that I would totally be friends with Melissa. Like, I know I'd be friends with her. But then that's probably why I come down so hard on her because I was like, I know we'd be best friends.

I am Melissa. She's very fancy. Because I'm Melissa, guys. Let's be honest. I'm Melissa. Like if someone said, let's take Ben and make him look like Aubrey Plaza, it's Melissa. She's like, moving to a foreign country humbles you. But you know what? You lose yourself, but then you can build yourself back up. So if everything works out perfectly in five years, I'm going to be married and running a successful business and feel part of the community. It's like, oh, God, I don't like any of those goals. Yeah.

Hopefully, I don't know. I feel like you need better goals that aren't as sad and desperate than that. Get better goals. Here's my advice. Better goals. Also, one thing that one of the commercial breaks, when they come back from commercial, you know, Linda gives us a little recap and they're like, Melissa has just come from Maine to Amsterdam. And when they show Maine, they show just like a swamp.

They just show like a sad swamp. And they show Amsterdam so beautiful. They do this every single time on Househunter's. International. They always show America, like the worst part of where they come from in America. They're like, she came from Pittsburgh, and it's just like a trash can with a fire in it with an industrial bridge in the background. It's just like the worst part of Maine. It's like a closed gas station. I know. Thanks, guys. I feel like Maine really can't win in any, anywhere that Maine is depicted, I feel like it just gets a shit reputation. I mean, listen to you. You're like, Melissa comes from Maine. Her dad is probably a lobster tiller and her. mom is a owns a what you say i think that's listen a yarn factory or something i'm just basically

like recreating evening shade but i think that like look maine is like beautiful it's like a tourist destination it's just it's so funny because my vision of main is just like a real rustic place of people catching like like cranberry bogs or something like that so i mean it's totally bullshit i know it's not like that at all but um i just love that they just love that they just show, they're like house hunters depiction of Maine, of all the things they choose to show of Maine. They kept in a beautiful seaside thing or like something lovely, but they just show like a swamp.

It's just like a dog pooping in a park. Okay. That's what you're going to show us, guys. Okay. Okay, so the realtor is like, I have to say when she said matchmaking, I said, wow, this is a first. And, you know, from an entrepreneurial perspective, the Netherlands is supportive. Now, I have a stupid B-word perspective, not as supportive.

I'm trying to shove her in the Nord, but let's see where this goes. Melissa's like, I love that there's just like so many parks here. And Raz is like, yeah, that's where you're going to find your clients. So now they go to the next one, house number three. It's next to the city center. But it's not quite like in the city center. It's on an island called like Yava. Island and so they go to it and it's not I don't think this is new construction I think this is

like a looks like it's from the 60s or 70s or something like that and but it's over a canal so she has a nice view of the waterways which she really likes yeah I don't I don't like it looks because it just looks like a winter used to a canal it's basically dirty water do what I mean let's face it and I don't know it's like watch it's like being like look I live right on the road. I live right on the busy road, you know, where people do things and horses poop in the street if you're in the Gilded Age era, or now they're not pooping on the street, but they're putting gas all over your window, you know? So, I don't know, to me, it looks, it looks not great, but she loves it. And that's all that's important, guys. So it's $2,500 a month, and it ticks your boxes.

And she's like, were ticks, was, were ticks on my box? No, tics your box. Oh, this place does look like it'll give me ticks, but I'm in. That's just the main speaking. I'm raised in a swamp. You may have seen the footage. So, yeah, it's, so the first few rooms are like very, very small, like tiny. And it's like that thing, you know, Roz keeps on saying, well, that's what you get in the city. And, but then it has actually, like, the living space is actually, like, spacious and nice.

And it's actually, all three of these places are actually very nice. I would live in all three of them. This was my least favorite, though, because I did not find the view of that canal to be very nice. And the rooms were small in a way that were like a little me to me. Yeah, this one, they were too small. These rooms were too small. They were like prison small. But the living area was nice, yeah.

And it has a nice new bathroom with a new tub. And she's like, oh my God, I love the tub. But I suppose you knew I would say that, A Ross. We're just girlfriends, aren't we? Good, good girlfriends at this point. Ross is like, I'm not, I'm not, no, I'm not introducing you to my friends. I'm sitting at my own table. You know, it's so funny, my friends went to brunch this weekend, and they said this weird

woman tried to come over and talk to them. They had to literally start chewing her away with their menus. I think she was probably high. They were expecting her to talk to a tree. This is like, oh my God, I'm so embarrassed. Everyone knows each other here. It was so awkward. We thought Aubrey Plaza was approaching us.

But as she got closer, it was just a woman named Melissa who worked at insurance. So then, um, Aubrey Plaza wouldn't have a fake snake skin spray-painted purse, would she? If she were, if the role demanded it, she would. So now they see the combi, which is a microwave and a convection of the oven mixed. Yeah. And, uh, it's really small. And, and Melissa's very confused. She's like, uh, conby, I'm not sure.

I don't seem to remember having ever insured a combi before. Do these catch on fire easily? And Roz, like, well, we're going to have to adjust your expectations. You're going to have to put in a very small turkey in this thing. Okay, well, we'll just adjust the expectations of what size of bird we can put into this microwave slash oven that you're foisting on me. I mean, this is a little insulting, sure. Need to adjust my turkey expectations. Now, let's go look at the balcony.

this, this is what I want. It's just so nice to have space. Okay, the balcony is like literally putting her arm out. And that's as big as the balcony. She's like, oh, my God, this is so much space. I've really, like, adjusted my expectations of, like, what sort of space I'm going to have. And this balcony has really worked well for that. So, Raz was like, yeah, it's a real trade-off.

Sort of like what I told my friends, well, the trade-off here is that I could make a commission on this lady. and the downside is that I will hate every single second that I'm with her. So she's like, well, sounds like it might not be an easy choice, huh, Melissa? I like that Raz is so negative. Melissa's like, wow, I don't know if I could do this. It's just so expensive. And she's like, so it's going to be hard for you, huh? I like that Raz is like, I'm done.

I've shown you my maximum amount of spaces and that's all you're fucking getting from me. So, pick one. Okay? So in my mind, I'm not. In my mind, I'm like, go for the first one. I know it's above your budget, but you just came from corporate America. The first one is furnished and it's cute. I said, in my mind, I was like, there's a chance to go for the second one, even though

it's far away. It could be a starter apartment. But I was like, the first one is the one to do. So she sits down with Roz and Melissa's like, ugh, I just loved house one, $2,700 a month, but it was just beautiful. Everything about it was me. It's where I want to be. It's where I want to have my life.

It's where I want to start my business. This is the place for me. I was like, thank you. But I'm not going to take it. I was like, what? What are you doing to me? Yeah, 100%. She's like, that place is too perfect.

So, yeah, I'm not going to do that. And then the third place, I really love the canals and stuff. And that was really cool. And the Nord is way too far. I could never, ever live in the North. I mean, taking a ferry, whatever. Okay, I'll take the Nord. That sounds great.

I mean, that sounds, you know what, it's far away, and I will have a hard time starting my business, and I don't get any of the upside of living in Amsterdam. So, yeah, I'll take it. That's for me. Yeah, perfect. Yeah. So then, let's see. What happens after that?

Well, so then we go three months later, and we see Melissa. She's actually made her place, like, really lovely. And she's like, you know, things at the North are really, it's just better than I could have ever imagined. And I really, I have decided to look at that fairy as an adventure instead of inconvenience. It's actually really nice. I like it. I get on that ferry and I say, you can do it, Melissa. Today you can meet a man.

You can start your life for real. And then at night I go back on the ferry and say, well, don't worry. You're only five more minutes away from crying into your pillow. Oh my gosh. You know, some people like to get on that ferry and sing let the river run. I get on it and I say, let this river sleep. Can I just take a nap? Let those tears run.

Let those tears run right down my cheek. I have no regrets about leaving my pensionate. Flack. I did the right thing. This is great. Perfect decision. You know what I love? Being in Amsterdam as a matchmaker and walking around with a sweaty ass and smelling spoiled because I can't go home to freshen up before dinner. That's that's super fun. Made the right choice. Love it. The ferry gives me just enough time to eat that entire. I quit, but in a nice way, cake privately where no one can see. And that's That's it

She chose house number two Listen, actually all three were really nice So it will work out nice friend She did a very nice job with it I just think that she should She should have taken house number one But good luck to The best, I agree with you

Yeah, good luck to Melissa and her matchmaking career And who knows Maybe someday Maybe someday I'll get to go to Amsterdam And maybe I'll run into Melissa My new best friend And apologize profusely For everything you've done to her today

I know. Never listen. Well, everyone, thanks so much for being here. Remember, if you have suggestions, just email them to watch What Crapins at Gmail.com with the subject, Dwell Hello suggestion. And we'll try to recap the episode that you recommend to us. Okay, everybody. We'll talk to you later. Bye.