Watch What Crappens - Dwell Hello #405: Dollars and Sense in Florida

Episode Date: February 29, 2024

Theme park stilt walkers look for a place to hang from the ceiling in Florida, but will they find one close enough to a swamp for alligators to do their job? This is House Hunters S229E09 and we watched on YouTubeTV. Find bonus episodes at patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens and follow us on Instagram @watchwhatcrappens @ronniekaram @benmandelker Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Well, hello and welcome to Dwell Hello. I'm Ronnie and that's Ben over there. Hello, Ben. Hi, Ronnie. How are you? So great today because it's Dwell Hello Day. Love Dwell Hello. We do these bi-weekly for one-three plus.

What job? Love being here. And I love everyone who's here with us because it's like a special thing that we do just for you or not the riffraff who isn't VIP. So thanks for being VIP guys. Yeah, thanks for being VIP. This is a very fun episode. I was cracking up the entire time, which I love. Got to thank Aaron, Aaron, for recommending this episode that we're about to do. If you have dwell hello suggestions, send them to us. Watch what crapans at gmail.com and make sure your subject says dwell hello suggestion because when it comes time for us to choose an episode

we type in dwell hello suggestion and so if you don't have that as your subject it's not going to show up in our results and then we'll never hear that's the truth that is the damn that is the goddamn truth so don't send it to us on instagram because we'll probably forget about it there so that's the way you get through to us also and this is not to be too picky if you don't remember to do this that's fine but preferably we hope that you've watched them on either youtube tv or on max because Because when you just send us in random episodes that you kind of remember from a long time ago, then we go search these things. And when we can't find them, I just get frustrated. Yeah.

So save me some frustration because I'm a bitchy, bitchy person. Bitchy, we're two bitches, bitches. Now, I have to say, the people who have been suggesting episodes have been so great. We have not had a stinker yet in all the stuff that you guys have suggested to us. So thank you. This one was a real beaut. I really love this one. So this one was, it's a house hunter's episode.

This one actually was tricky to find. This one was House Hunters Forging a Future in Florida, season 229, episode nine. But here's why it was tricky because it wasn't on my, when I tried to look for it on Max, I couldn't find it. And then it turns out it was listed as something called dollars and cents in Florida on YouTube TV. Did you see that? Yeah. So no matter how hard we try, we cannot help this show. Okay, we'll not that it needs our help. It's like one of the biggest shows in the world, but we love this show. We want everybody to watch a show. You guys, one platform has a certain season number and episode number. Then another platform is a totally different season number and episode number. And now you're even doing different titles on different platform. Get your shit together. You've got nine million shows. And listen, we are the worst at organization. We've got two thousand something episodes. Nothing's organized. No one can find shit. So that's us saying it. And that's pretty bad if you get us to complain.

because we're messes. And then they also organize them by volume on, uh, on max. Like, why are you organizing them by volume? Just say season year. I don't know why. But this one, for whatever reason, if you're looking for this episode, I don't know why it's organized like this, but it is listed under dollars and cents. S.E. and S.E. in Florida.

It's so bizarre. It is. I don't know why. But the good news is, you know, we had to work hard to find it, but it was worth it in the end. It was worth it. So thank you, Aaron. We had to work harder than the ceiling in this fucking ribbon twirlers house. We had to work harder than the lady in this in this relationship pretending that her man was attracted to her. We had to work harder to find this show than that man has ever gotten for this girl. Yeah. This guy, well, I have a lot of things to say. And by the way,

we know that this is 2024 and you're not supposed to speculate on someone. sexuality and that's so ghost and blah blah blah well guess what today is not the day that that's rules going to be followed because this is this isn't even speculation this is just clearly reading a sign that's out there and good for him i would not let this person go over to the heterosexual side this is a homosexual he was born a homosexual he's going to stay a homosexual i want him on our side he's doing a great job, he's gorgeous, he's talented, he works hard, he's cheap as fuck. I don't know if he works hard, to be honest. I don't know if he works hard.

He works out hard. He works out hard, yeah. But doesn't that count? He is like, he is truly like every hot gay man and weho who is just like just trying to, just, you know, couch surfing and trading in his good looks to get ahead in life. You know, that's just, that's what this guy's doing. And he hasn't. he doesn't have that self-confidence of having his teeth done yet. So he's still like kind of nice, you know, because I feel like everyone who comes to West Hollywood

has that moment where they're kind of humble because they haven't been like fucked ragged by all the horrible people there. And they haven't had their teeth done yet. So they just, they feel like less powerful than they're going to feel in a couple of months. And then they turn into monsters. So we got him while he's still fresh, you know. But he's also like, he's also such an act. He's like, really, he's like a bend diagram of all these hilarious things, you know, actor,

like very clearly gay man, hasn't had his teeth done yet. And he just has all, like, it all swirls together in such predictable and hilarious ways. Because she, like, this lady is clearly the breadwinner in this relationship. And she has to dumb down everything in her life for him and the entire episode. And it is hilarious to me. Yeah. This girl just, I mean, she doesn't even just make cookies. She makes gorgeous artistic cookies.

I mean, they're beautiful cookies. And she's with somebody who doesn't even eat cookies. I mean, what kind of torture is that? I mean, this lady really does just eat herself. While holding down two different theme park jobs. It's like she does it all. And then he has his one gig, like, you know, juggling milk cartons on stilts over at Disney for half the week. And they have to move everything and all the budget for his schedule.

So, like, he's like, he's, he has all the self-involvement of a straight man, which I think still just, it's still often carries over when you're a gay man, too. But he has like this. I was going to say, I think that's a man thing. That just might be a man thing. Yeah. But it's hilarious. Anyway, let's get in with, let's, let's start with it. So Linda, our narrator goes, Mary, I'm sorry, I'm talking about the woman here in case there's confusion.

Mary. I guess anyone thinks I'm hurling out slurs in the first two seconds of this show. Look at this Mary. I'm talking about Mary, the lady on screen. Well, this friend of Judy and Mary. Mary and Mary are on the hunt. Mary and Mellie are on the hunt for a house in Florida. Since they both perform in their personal lives and also at local theme parks,

they have a unique wish list. He's like, I just want to do the splits on something. And she wants to. wants an erect penis in her life. And then Mary's like, oh my God, what a high ceiling. We're thinking of putting silks in here. You know what? Doesn't have a high ceiling?

The future of this relationship. Let me tell you what ceiling is not made out of glass. The one on this relationship. So, yeah, we see Mary being like, so, Tyler, you're thinking about putting silks in here? Yeah, when it comes to the ceiling in here, like with a slant, you like, do you get enough height in here for some salts. Yeah, that's like, that's the silk height. And, um, Linda's like,

Mary's the primary buyer. Duh. Insecure. And, um, Tyler will be paying quote-unquote rent. Sorry, I couldn't just air quote, but no one can see me on this show. Tyler is paying rent, uh, but he's not spending money. Instead, he is paying through his words, viewings of soap dish. Tyler's like, yeah, so she's going to have the mortgage, but I can pay about $6 for rent, so $6 and considerably higher amount of hotness

than she possesses on her own. Yeah, I'm like really hoping to stay around $800. What I love about Tyler, by the way, is that he, we're not exaggerating. This is what he really sounds like this. Yeah, my name's Tyler, and I'm like an aerialist, And like I just really only want to spend $800.

Yeah. And Mary is like, don't go crazy. Okay, but this house is $400,000, which by the way, I'm moving to Florida. I mean, every time we see some city on this show, I'm like, bye, that's amazing, 400,000. Now the houses are terrible and plastic, but still, that's nice. So Tyler's like, well, I don't know if this is something like, I mean, we have to like look at what we're willing to spend, right? And she says, well, maybe you're not willing to spend it, Tyler. And he's like, I am.

I also have a cookie business, so. And he's like shocked. He's like, what? Also, this is around this point is when we realize he has a surprise manned. Because in the beginning, we think he's not man-bunded. But then it turns out there's a whole ponytail that's been bundled up in the back of his head. So there's like a lot of surprises that we haven't even really properly started the show. Yeah.

And it's not really a surprise, but it's something that, you know, the only person I think watching. The only person involved in this show that's going to be surprised by anything in the future is Katie. Mary, whatever he name is. She's the only one who's going to happen. No one else involved in this show is going to be surprised by shit. I can tell you that much. Well, there may be one other person who is surprised, and that might be Mary's mom, who is sort of like a Paula Dean type, but like not.

So we go over to Winterhaven, Florida, and Mary Tyler, and it's really hard to not say more, by the way. Mary Tyler and mom. Mary Tyler, mom. I'm sure it's hard for him too. He's like, got to do it. So they're standing in the dining area talking about places. And the mom sort of has that awkward thing of like,

okay, Susan, you're on camera, stand properly. Where do I put my hands? So my hands on the side, hands on the left, hands down. What do I do? Come on. It's your moment, Mary. This cracks me up because they're like talking shop. you know, as they do on the show.

And Mary's like, oh, yeah, Mom, I'm trying to pull a costume for that gig we've got coming up. Pull a costume. What theme parts are you working for? Don't they give you costumes? I mean, Jesus Christ. I know they can't all be Disneyland, but just the, you're making the fucking Stilt Walker and the Silk Splitter. Get their own costumes. I'm Mary.

I'm a Stilt Walker, puppeteer, performer, person in denial. and I work at the theme parks in Florida. And he's like, hi, and I'm Tyler and I'm a performer. Yeah, I'm an actor and I'm also a performer, which is different than an actor, because performers perform an actress act. And also, I'm an aerialist, which is like a performer, but in the air. Yeah, this career can be extremely rewarding and, like, making memories for people on their family vacations.

It's just, like, so powerful. And then we see a picture of them on stilts, and they're in, like, like white and they look like they were in cotton balls or something and he's like in this blue thing or whatever. They look horrifying. And she's like, like a child's eyes when they see you nine feet tall. I'm like, you mean when you inflict trauma on children for the first time? No kidding. When you see the look of fear in that child's eyes as a gigantic person heads towards them and some theme park too cheap to get them costumes.

I know where you see the glue. keeping the cotton balls onto your armpits. So Tyler's like, we're basically a life changers, Mayor. And she's like, yeah. Well, we've been together for two years, and it's definitely time to take the next step. He's like, yeah, well, I'm so excited to move in with Mary and see, like, what's next in my life? I mean, first I was an actor. Then I, like, raised the bar and became a performer.

Then I raised the bar all the way to the ceiling and became an aerialist. I just keep topping myself. No pun. Yeah, and when we talk about taking the next big step, it's really like a big step because we're on stilts. So then the mom's name is Karen, actually. She goes, so when you go into a new house, there's always expenses that you don't expect. Like, where are you going to put mom, huh? Gotta have a bedroom between you crazy kids.

And Tyler's like, yeah. And Mary goes, yeah, I'm thinking like we could probably do $450,000. But like the total mortgage would probably about like $2,400 a month. So your share would be about $1,200 a month if you be split. and a half, Tyler. It's like, um, 1,200 is almost double what I'm paying now. Tyler, where are you living? Where are you? Bording house? Come on, Tyler. This is a 2023 episode. You're paying $600 a month, Tyler? Where do you live? But we also, you know, we're giving Tyler the most shit in this episode, but also fuck Mary because

that's not fair. You get the mortgage and then you get to pick the house and you get all the equity in the house, but some, you know, twink, you're dating is paying half that mortgage. I don't think that's necessarily fair. I mean, he should be able to say, I'm only paying this much money. And if you want to go get something crazy above that, then go ahead, lady. But I'm not paying an extra $100,000 because you want cookie, cookie drying fucking countertops. Okay. Well, you think those Liza Minnelli CDs are going to pay for themselves?

If, you know, like let Mary have her cookie counter because someone's got to fund that music collection. Okay? Listen, if he's going to be putting in demands about being close to his theme park, and then she has to be an hour away from her other theme park, but she's paying all the money for that? No, no, no, no. He's got to calm up a few more. Also, he is the one, as we'll see, who walks into every house and claims the bonus room.

He's like, oh, my God, I'm putting Selks in there. He also, by the way, he seems like a very lovely and sweet person, but also very dumb, very, very dumb, as we'll soon see. So she should just get extra money Just for having to pretend to laugh at all those jokes Yeah, like you Like me That's why I send you a little extra money every month

If you pretend to laugh on my jokes No, I laugh genuinely at all your jokes Oh, you liar You're funny Never stop lying to me So Mary's like, well Huh? I said you're funny

I love you Let's get a house we can hang silks in Yeah, I love pink silks. Mary's like, Tyler's like, well, I'm going to be renting, so I don't want to go above like $3.25. And Mary's like, yeah, well, I'm skeptical. And listen, I'm skeptical is the first time you put your hands under my bra.

Okay. You're not going to find something that doesn't need major renovations for that price, Tyler, but we can look. Well, I do kind of like, I really like the idea of the only projects. Like, I think it's like really cool to make like a home of your own, you know? And she's like, mm-hmm, yeah, that's lovely. but I don't want to do those renovations. Okay, I've got enough work of my.

Look at you. Look at you. Look at you. You've got the man bun. I was thinking of like remodeling something. Like your haircut. I was thinking about remodeling something with you, like your career prospects. So the mom's like, oh gosh, you guys are so busy.

You don't have time to remodel. There are plenty of children to terrorize them. parks. Yeah, but mom, if we go below that, like what we're going to, like, if we go below below, we go below 450,000, we're not going to get four bedrooms. What? Why don't you still need four bedrooms? She's one of those people who's like, we need a house that's big enough to fit my entire

family for when they come visit. No. No, not Orlando. Listen. Yeah, no. Everyone's going to use your house as a fucking holiday in. I purposely look for places my family will hate and they can't fit into you. I don't want my family coming to visit.

Get a fucking hotel. It's one thing when we watch these shows where someone moves off to Kathmandu, and they're like, I want to have a guest room from my family visits because the family's flying halfway across the world, and it's just easier. Orlando is built for tourism. There are hotels. You do not need to house the city of Buffalo in your guest rooms. Get something you can afford, you dumdums.

Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Oh, geez, I just signed my phone down to the table. It's like, yeah, idiots, boom. So let's see, what happens next? Tyler. Oh, God, so now they talk about what they want. So she wants room for her dumpy family,

because you know they're dumping, I'm sorry. Totally. And Tyler is like, well, every time we see a house that has a southern touch to it, I can't help but love those, because I'm from Mississippi. So I love colonial. Yeah, I love like colonial and Victorian style architecture. Back where I'm from, like,

We'll see like columns on that front porch, just like the best. Mary's like, hmm, I prefer a craftsman style. That's like me. I love doing, I love doing projects. No, not a literal craftsman. I want a craftsman style. And like the house I grew up in Buffalo had some beautiful stonework. And it's just, it's so homely to me and familiar to have that Buffalo stonework here.

I have to say, I've seen a lot of episodes of this show. And I've never heard anybody say, you know what? I just wanted to look like Buffalo. it's also an interesting variation where we have the woman instead of the man saying I want to look like the house I grew up in and then so then Tyler says this he just said he's really into things that look you know colonial and Victorian and he goes I just gravitate towards those modern finishes

like things that have like a sleek black metal look you know and Karen goes sounds kind of industrial yeah I love industrial modern but make a colonial I love industrial modern colonial columns. Could we have like an industrial modern Victorian colonial house perhaps? And Mary's like, I like traditional. Like, you know, white trim, a husband who likes filling me up. I started a cooking business on the side. So counter space is a big deal. And Tyler's like, yeah. And every time we walk into a place with high ceilings, I think, wow, that really elevates the space.

Yeah, Tyler, because it's literally high. It just feels taller. Perfect. Thanks sake, Tyler. And then Karen goes, yeah, you need something tall enough to wear your stilts inside. And then she just starts crack. Yeah. Oh, that's good.

You guys catch that on camera? Catch that? Because you know Karen walks around like, oh, my God, Mary is a stilt walker. Can you imagine? And guess what? She found a guy who hangs from strings doing the splits. I already was the shortest one This family

Now you got to rub it in I told your aunt that one That's why I always tell people Don't only have one child Am I right So then Tyler says Yeah I have a few friends that I work with That are aerolus as well

And they also have their own setups Inside their house So like I just kind of like I want to have my own Here's what I want I want an aerialist setup In a modern industrial colonial Victorian house Farmhouse as well

Please. Please have a barn door that slides to reveal the bathroom. Barn door, but brutalist architecture in a Victorian style. So, we, the first house. Brutalist, like Chip and Joanna. I also want it to be futurists. Also like Chip and Joanna. But also from a bygone era.

Like Chip and Joanna. I wanted to look like Miss Van der Roe, but like Chip and Joanna. Also, I want to fuck it, like Chip and Joanna. I want to look like the Guggenheim, but if the Guggenheim were made by Tripp and Joanna. So they drive around, and first up is Claremont. Tyler works in the theme park 20 minutes away, which is very convenient for him, as you'll find out as the theme. Mary works there part-time, but it's 45 minutes from the park Mary works at half the week. So who do you think is going to win this one?

I'll give you one guess. It has a man bun. and does the splits on columns and farmhouses. This is very much an SAT question. First house is in Claremont, a 20-minute drive to the theme park. Tyler works out full-time and Mary works at part-time, but it's 45 minutes of the other theme park that Mary works out half the week. How much time does Mary spend in the car?

But if the train is 20 minutes late to Mary's theme park, how terrified will a child be when Tyler approaches them with silks and stilts? So Tyler has this habit whenever they go into a house, they open up the house, the front door, and he just barges in first. He doesn't even let his girlfriend go in first. Did you notice that? He just goes right on in. Typical self-involved male actor.

So House won, $450,000. And Mary goes, oh, my God, look at all this brick. I love that. And Tyler goes, yeah, kind of looks like Buffalo. Literally nothing about this house or any of the houses look like Buffalo, New York. It's also one of those houses. It's just like that real cheap like strip mall exterior, like that kind of Adobe. Like the cheapest stucco that you can get.

And it's a big square box, but they've got big square like cutouts in the front and he goes, oh my God, there's columns. It's like colonial. He is just, I think he's just like grasping to do his role in this show. He's like, yeah, look at those buffalo columns. It's like we're actually at the Buffalo Stadium that that Buffalo team plays out. She's like, yeah, it definitely reminds me at Buffalo. If I say colonial enough, I can put 1776 on my resume.

And I love the columns. It's like almost got a colonial vibe to it. Like not, there's not, this is not, there's nothing about this that looks like Buffalo or a colonial. Like it's just, there's a, there's something, there's a pillar. There's a pillar that's holding something up. This is an absolute shitbox, by the way. Okay, so then they meet their real estate agent, Amber. And Amber's like, guys, I've worked, okay, I've worked with Mary and Tyler in a performance aspect.

Because when I'm not an agent, I work at theme parks. No, no. Abort the mission. But then she says this thing that she feels like is revolutionizing real estate. She goes, my methodology in finding a home is based on the trifecta. You have your price, your location, and the quality of home. Well, Ronnie, consider my mind blown. I never even knew you considered those three things in a house.

But here comes Amber with her trifecta turning everything upside down. I know. Amber is that person that you know right away isn't just a stilt walker. You know, you're like, Amber's more than that. And she's like, you bet your ass I am. Because I've got a trifecta in mind. And it's not just Huey, Louie and Dewey. Okay.

It is price. location and quality of home. That is the trifecta. Really? Has nothing to do with shrubbery on the outside? No. No. Common misconception. Interest rates have nothing to do with anything.

Okay. Okay, guys, well, this location is a little farther out. You know, the price is very high, but the quality of home is unmatched. So that's one part of the trifecta I'd like to point out. And it's unmatched compared to anything else we've seen in the listings. And this one's a first. 450. And it's the tippy top of your budget, guys, but let's make an effort, shall we? And Tyler's like, oh, my God, where does that leave us monthly? That's not an even number. 450 divided by two. Is that like 300? Because that's my budget. And Amber's like, well, I would say it's like $2, $2,800 per month. It's like, wow. So she says, it's a really good quality house. And just look at these vaulted ceilings.

I just wish there were more room in the trifecta for vaulted ceilings, but unfortunately, only three aspects. Tyler's like, wait, I'm still thinking about mass. So if I'm only paying 27 currently, and Mary goes, Tyler, it's a lot more. He goes, okay, got it. Got it. Hey, so where can I get a fecta? What do you mean?

Well, you said I should trifecta. No, it's a word, Tyler. Trifect is one word. Oh, I thought it was like when people ran away from Russia. I thought it was like a new sweetener, like Splenda, but it's called Fecta. I thought it was like the F word in Yiddish. That was for Fokhta. I thought it was like Italian bread, ficcacia.

I thought it was like a man's penis. Okay, that's just cock, Tyler. Come back, Tyler. Come back, Tyler. Sorry, I dangerous. sometimes. And whenever I try to figure out math, I start daydreaming. Does anyone have a glass of lemonade so I can sit out at the front of this very colonial house and pretend I'm in the deep south? Guys, I need to think on this in front of a column. B.R.B.

Tyler, stop trying to, stop trying to do aerialism from that column. Sorry. I was trifecting. So there's a lot of counter space, and, but it's not useful of counter space for Mary because she's like, no, no, this is next to the sink. And I have to worry about what are my cookies? Because you know that Tyler comes in and just starts splashing around in that kitchen. Tyler, why are you putting that spoon under the faucet? Oh, sorry, I didn't see your cookies right there. So now they have an outdoor patio and an indoor pool and they've got one of those Florida indoor pools, you know, so the gators don't get you. I just love living someplace you have to like build a pool inside so you don't get eaten alive.

You have to be in the zoo. Yeah. Yeah. It's like, this is great. Like a pool and everything. And Mary goes, pools are fun. I've never owned a pool before. Like, yeah, but it's going to be expensive.

Yeah. She's like, I know they tend to come with upkeep and electric bills. I mean, it's basically like swimming in the pool. a Tyler, am I right? I wish we're not doing video and I kind of wish we were doing it because the face you just made was amazing. Can you hear this thing I'm using, by the way?

Am I making everybody crazy? No, I can't. I never knew it even made noise. I thought it was just a, Ronnie is lasering himself while we discussed this. The second we stopped doing video, I start doing red laser light on my face. I'm like,

Might as well get a facial while I'm here, kids. Yeah. So they like the pool and everything. And then they go into the bedroom. There's tall ceilings. And then there's a bonus room. And I was like, oh, my God, look at the tall ceilings in this bonus room. I could totally hang on rig in this tiny room.

Yeah. And she's like, yeah. Amber is like, oh, my God, you can work out in here, Tyler. It's like the trifecta of bonus room. And then there's like a, they go to the primary room and there's like a barn door. and Tyler's like, oh, I like this barn door. It has like a nice black metal finish. So it's like kind of modern.

That's what I like. Black and metal. Yeah. It's like you're on the set of sliver. It's so modern. She likes craftsmen and I like blacksmans. I like things that are hard and black. So I was like, this house is like pretty much moving ready, which is nice.

But I like to be able to put my own touch on things. And this house doesn't really allow for that. And when it comes to the price, it's like not really a perfect fit for me. So I love when people say that. I really have to remodel it or it's not going to be a mind. I'm not sure I trust Tyler. I don't trust Tyler. It makes me think of Homer's seems like a spice rack.

Yeah. It's not like he's definitely not like a Jeremiah, whatever his face was. Former. The Bullfrog? No, Jeremiah stunt or strok or stupid or whatever. Jeremiah Brent, Brock, Brent. You know, he is the gay who was Rachel Zoe's assistant and then wound up marrying the other gay who's a home improvement guy. Oh, right.

Doesn't he do the videos now? He's like, I'm Lisa Rennah. Brad Guretti. No, that's Brad. No, Jeremiah. Okay, I'm going to look up his name. Oh, Jeremiah. He married Nate from Rock the Block.

They have that show. Jeremiah Brent. They hate each other's guts. They have like very boring chemistry. Yeah. Yeah, they have like kind of amanda Kyle energy, but they're both Amanda. Whoa. They're like, oh my God, gold fixtures, good choice, honey.

Wow. And we have breaking news about Jeremiah Brent three hours ago. Did he die? No. He is replacing Bobby Burke on Queer Eye. Whoa. That's going to cause problems in that relationship because Nate's used to being the bigger one. Yeah.

What's Nate Burke is right? Now, does Bobby Burke, did Bobby Burke have an issue with someone? I literally don't watch that show. I can't watch Queer Eye because they're like trying to make it this like, oh my God, it's positive. Listen, today's Queer Eye is an abused giraffe who just doesn't know what color jeans look good on it.

We're going to work through this with said giraffe until we find an emotional place where everybody's like, fuck off. My God, that's not what people watch that show. I hate that feel good crap. It's like that try hard, like we're good people crap. I just don't buy it.

I don't believe you're good people. There I said it. You're faking it. Well, yeah, I watched like five or six episodes of it and I was like, I love this show. So like, this makes me feel so good. And then all of a sudden I just sort of stopped. And then I was like, I think I've got enough. And I don't, I don't know, Karamo kind of, I feel like Karamo's super, super fake.

And then I did like Bobby Burke, though. So apparently Bobby Burke has a feud with Tan France. So Tan France also annoyed me. he would just put guys in like shorts and then like uh longs like he put like them in polo shirts or something and like roll up their sleeves i felt like that was the same thing every time but bobby burke and tan france have a feud which is why bobby burke left the show i think oh wow i only know about the one who came out with a cookbook because it will never there were a couple good recipes in it and i got it for a gift um but one of the ones i'll never forget he's like frozen peas take pizza

and squeeze some lemon on it. That's what he did on the show. He's like, avocado toast. Slice some avocados, put them on a toast, and then you totally have a meal. He's like fingernails. Bite your fingernails off and then eat them. Okay, that'll be $30 for this recipe book.

Anyway, so speaking of this queer eye, so now we go back and Tyler is, Mary really likes this house a lot. You can tell she really, really likes it. And it's a close commute for Tyler, but it's a bad commute for Mary. And he goes, I don't know if this is something that we're willing to spend.

And this is where she goes, what you're willing to spend. It's like, wow, like, you think, like, you can pay this much? Like, this is, like, a lot of money. That's, like, really a lot. Yeah. And you know who wants to fuck Tyler? Amber. Because we find out that Amber, no matter where they go,

Amber is purposely trying to get married. 45 minutes away, so they always know when she's on the way home. Just a bunch of ladies who've never had a, lived a sheltered life, barking up the wrong tree. So now they're driving and talking, and Mary goes, so Tyler, guess what? I was reached out to do living statues. They reached out to me.

Have you ever heard of that? It's like where you're completely painted. He was like, wow, what have they heard about you in bed? J.K. Mary goes, it would be really cool to add that to my resume. I'll put it right after non-wet cookies. Hey, let me give you a hint. You can put it on your resume anyway.

What are they going to call the living statue police like to find out whether or not you're lying? Are they going to go to City Hall and look up the registry of living statues? I need to check your references. Do you have a transcript from MIT? We want to make sure that you took. enough classes in living statuary to qualify for this position.

That killed me. He's like, that would be so cool because you'd have a metallic costume for that. She's like, yeah, if I was a tin statue, stupid. Let's talk about that house. It was like a really great house and it has everything we're looking for. And I understand we're going to have to compromise in certain areas. Oh, yeah, don't have to talk to me about compromise. I'm living it right now.

So they go to this other house that's the same style as the house before, okay? And I think this one, isn't this one also 45 minutes away? Yeah. And Ty's like, oh my God, it has a column. This one has just a single column. And it's not even really a column. I mean, it's a pillar. It's not really a column.

It's basically there's a doorway and there's like a little overhang with the doorway. And the door is in the corner of like two walls. and so the overhang comes out. So there's a single like square brick pillar that is fake brick or something that's just holding up the overhang. And he goes, oh my God. It's kind of got like a little bit of a southern style vibe with that column. It's so southern in here. Do you know what they love in the South things that have load-bearing things?

No one's more load-bearing than me. That was my nickname in high school. Mary at this point is trying to ignore the fact that she is in a dead end relationship by focusing on doors Oh my God, I like that there's a red door I'll just ignore my idiot idiot idiot boyfriend who's not a tragedy to me I've put so many loads I could hold up every kitchen roof in fucking the South Wait a second hold on talk get a load of this this this column Would you say this column is reminiscent of like the Victorian era

but also the south Okay What if Victorian Was played by Joanna Gaines What do you think now Do you think that like maybe this is represents Chip Gaines Okay so this house is

You know Not gray but it has this like Slope wall The slope ceiling Yeah And then there's like cutouts Right at the top of the ceiling Where it looks

I mean, I guess it's a wall to separate the kitchen from the living room, but it just looks like a temporary wall, but it was designed that way. It's weird. It's a weird design. It feels like a weird Airbnb, you know? So he's like, wow, look at this. It's like tall ceilings. I could definitely put something up there. And Mary's like, no, you're not putting silks here in the living room.

He goes, yeah. But like when it comes to the ceiling, like with that slant, you do get like enough height for it. but you also kind of have to like press all the way to the side and then you like wind up hitting the wall over there. So she's like, so what you're saying is no, it's not a good place for silks, got it. Yeah. Slings, selks, whatever, tomato tomato.

So they go look at the living room. So this is one of those houses that's like farmhouses and let's just do the cheapest remodel we can and just slightly make this non-form house, farmhouse style so we can sell it. So they've got like big logs, not logs, but like wooden beams with just lights wrapped around it, kind of hanging half-hazardly off. And then they've got like a feature wall that's supposed to be shiplat, but it's just like those

plastic strips of like lamina. It's like laminar or something. It's bizarre. And like one of the laminate is falling off. And Tyler is like, they told me I should like modern touches. So I'm going to try to find modern touches and like them. Hey, look. I like that there's like a black finish and stuff.

That's modern. that's cool I like that And he's like Shiplap That sounds so Southern Oh my God Do you know what you could put against this wall A bench

Yes Wow my dream is coming true I can't wait to have a bench in my house Yeah we could totally have a bench here Think of like and that's within our budget So he says When it comes to Mary Thinking about these projects

I think I'm more the brainstormer And the dreamer You know visualizing benches and stuff So like when That is so him, though. He's like, oh my God, I hope she can see my dreams. My dreams about a bench in a living room. I really have a vision, a vision of a bench.

I really can really transform a space. You know what this space needs? A bench. I want everyone in my home to feel as uncomfortable sitting down as I do. Whenever I show her what's possible with a space, I hope maybe she'll see it and eventually we'll be able to put these things in. You know, like a bench. So there's an outdoor patio and he goes, oh my God, think about what you could do.

And she goes, we could do a pergola. And he goes, yeah. Or you could put poles and then you could hang lights from the house on the poles. I like that he's like, I'm the dreamer in this relationship. And then they go outside. She's like, yeah, you could do a pergola with some twinkle lights. You could really set that up, maybe like an indoor outdoor vibe, whatever. Yeah.

But you didn't say bench. So you're not the vis a lesser. Yeah. Poles or a bench? What if it was a bench made out of poles? Wait. What about you put two poles up and put a bench in between the balls? And the lights hanging from the poles.

So we're going to be hanging lights on Polish people, right? That's what I, that's totally what I read. Is that in the trifecta? So now they look at bedrooms. And there's like a closet door that's not a, attached and Tyler was like, I can fix that. I can fix that. So what you're saying is that you're good with working with the closet?

Yeah, I'm totally comfortable in closets. So I like when they were, this happened before, but I forgot to say it. They were looking in the kitchen and she was, oh my God, the sink isn't right by my cookies. I guess this means no wet cookies for me. I was like, this poor woman, how many times has Tyler just come in and shit all over her cookies on purpose? Like, what, washing my hands? after a really nice hanging from the living room.

Clearly it happens all the time because I don't think this is like, it should not be a big enough issue that it has to actually become a consideration for your future kitchen. Like, oh, this is a wet cookie situation. I don't know. This feels like we get up a really big wet cookie problem here. Tyler is just, and that's the only one in this household who's got that problem. I'll tell you that right now. Yes, because I guarantee he is constantly turning on that faucet at full force and that water is bouncing off of whatever's in that sink.

She's never had the problem of a wet cookie around Tyler. So they go look around this weird farmhouse finished house. And Mary's like, there's a lot of small fixes here. He's like, oh my God, love it. And the commute's so good for me. Oh, but Mary, I don't want you to hate that drive. Also, the bathroom in the primary, the en suite has no door, and they're having some issues with that. Well, that is weird because that's also that old 80 style where they have half of the bathroom out in the bedroom and then the rest of the bathroom is behind a wall.

That's weird. Yeah. So now they go off to House Number 3. And House number 3 has a good commute to both theme parks, Disney and Universal. And so Tyler is like, and by the way, like what the price being word is. I mean, 320,000? Like, that's amazing.

She may, like, yeah, you can't beat that. Mary's agent has arranged for them to see a more affordable, but smaller house near the theme parks in Orlando. I don't have anything else to say. I'm just so disgusted by these people. So, I like, did you get this Easter egg that they were showing? They were showing shots of the town, and they closed up on, like, a rainbow painted building.

I was like this. That's funny. These are our kind of people. Yeah. So Mary's like, well, we both have commutes here and he goes, oh my God. I mean, but it's only 320. Do you know how many ideas that can pay for? Do you know that like increases our bench budget by like 50%?

We get to buy so many benches with that extra $80,000. And poles and twinkle lights. So Mary's like- We could hire two poles to build benches for 80 grand. Mary is like, oh my God, I love the powder blue door. Everything's fine. My relationship is totally good. I'm not dating a gay man right now. And Amber opens the door.

And of course, Tyler just barges in, doesn't let Mary go in first. And Mary's like, wow, it smells like they've upgraded something. I smell fresh wood and paint. I didn't even know you could upgrade in life. I just sort of thought you were stuck with whatever you were stuck with. Oh, my God. Speaking of upgrading, look at that black brick. I love black things.

And Mary's like, oh my God, that's so your style. It's like, it is. I wish it was like brick that had wood grain. That brick is like so modern, like a colonial and a Victorian and also like the South, but also reminds me a Buffalo. It's like, this is so Buffalo right there. And she's like, I noticed though there's no vaulted ceiling so we couldn't walk in stilts. But look at the counter.

There's no wet cookies here. Oh my God. This is so cookie counter. And so it has a $1,700. monthly mortgage, which Tyler likes. And then there's like, oh, and then this is a fun little twist that comes out of nowhere. There's a second living space and it

has a white wall. And Mary's like, oh, my God, a white wall? This is perfect for filming auditions. All our friends are going to come over to film their auditions in front of our blank white wall. Tyler, get on the camera. I'm going to be a living statue. It's all going to happen now. So,

Mary, so they go to the backyard and it's a And Mary's like, oh my God, water, this is gorgeous. Hey, Tyler, does this remind you of the South? And he's like, it's a swamp, mayor, okay? I mean, we need a fence for sure. Maybe that could be one of my projects. Yeah. Classic Tyler voluntarily just going down to the water's edge in Florida

to build some sort of like rickety pipe cleaner fence, nothing could go wrong whatsoever. He's like, guys, I built a fence out of columns on a swamp. on a swamp but I hang from insults you know what the only thing better than the fence

is a blank white wall God it's so good for auditions with Joanna Gaines painted on it I love a natural I love a white wall he has he has

the job like standing in front of a wall with Joanna Gaines painted on if anyone could ever be described as a nice blank wall it would be Tyler

bless his heart bless his heart so he goes Okay, so wait a minute. Let me do math. So I would be paying $85,000 a month. She's like, no, Tyler. Yeah.

Okay. $5. No, Tyler. He goes, so, like, we crunched the numbers. Actually, I just did some crunches at the gym, and then she did some numbers. And it looks like it brings the rent. My rent would be like $850. And that's like, it's not that high from where I was spending already.

I mean, it's kind of just like something I would expect to increase from you a year and like where I am and that's fine. And it's like really not that big of a deal and definitely something I could afford. I'm like, oh, thank you, Tyler, for making this big sacrifice. So you're going to pay 50 extra dollars per month. And Mary will be driving an hour to work and giving up on all the dreams she ever had in a house. But don't worry.

Thank you. You're making a $50 sacrifice. But you are the real hero. You're such a good guy there, Tile. So there's a small bedroom and Mary's like, well, I'm going to say one thing about this bedroom that no one's ever said about my boyfriend. It's tight. It's tight. It's tight in here. And Amber's like, well, here's something. You could get rid of that second living space and make it a bedroom. And I do believe that makes the quality of the house a little bit better. So hashtag trifecta.

Amber, thanks, Amber. Okay, you're getting us a house that we're going to save $20,000 on that needs $200,000 of upgrades. Sounds great Amber. I love Amber math. And by the way, have you noticed that Amber never has any questions or never has any answers to numbers questions? Every time they walk into a house, Mary is like, okay, so Amber, this house is 400,000, which means if I put 20% down, then I would be paying like $3,700 a month. And Amber's just like, sure. I've worked in Seen Parks. Why are you asking me, okay? This is like my hell Mary to get off a fucking stilts lady. I'm not doing your fucking math for you.

Hi, I'm off the clock as Snow White right now. So why are you asking me about numbers? So they, you know also, by the way, you could see the panic in their eyes when Amber suggested that they turned the second living space into a bedroom because they were like, but we just decided that would be our living wall audition space or living statue. Living wall too. My friends will never come over now. I know. They're like, this was going to be our audition. They wanted all their friends come over to take to auditions by that wall.

Yeah, literally nobody in real life wants that. Who wants that? Oh my God. My friends are totally going to want to use me for my pickup truck. Can't wait to buy a pickup truck. Every time somebody moves, they're going to call me. Oh. And then they go into the onsuit bathroom and Tyler goes, well, I do like the modern touches, but this is really tiny.

It's like a plunderer is not a modern touch. So those three real small guest rooms. And Mary is like, love the kitchen. The pond is nice, I guess. And it's 20 minutes from one park and 30 from the other park. And Tyler's like, yeah, it's small. So now they have to go decide. Also, by the way, I also like, sorry, I just, I can't, because Tyler keeps amusing me.

When Amber's like, you guys can use the living room as you can use. the second living space as your as your primary bedroom and Tyler goes yeah and then maybe we could use the bedroom not as a bedroom but as something different altogether I was like dreamer at work everyone look at that mission it could be bench storage don't hurt yourself with all that dream and you've got going on over there but and Mary's like yeah it's too bad the ceilings aren't higher because then you could have used your silks he's like I know I'm trilling you idiot so then they go to Amber's office to decide and there's like all these like realtor you know those things you stake in the ground it's just a picture of Amber like swinging from a trapeas by one leg it just her dress like

mater from cars so they have to go decide and they're talking like should it be the one with the pool and um is it too expensive and Mary's like that one doesn't really have any projects for Tyler Yeah, it doesn't really leave Tyler with too many things that he could put his own personality onto. Luckily, he doesn't have one, but if he did have one, he'd probably want to make a stamp. I'd hate for him to actually put a personality on the blank slate that is his body. But we can try. But look, it does have this like nice, generic white area for auditions. Oh, wait, sorry, that's just Tyler.

That's just Tyler. So the next house, Mary's like, oh, my God, that could. cookie counter. Dry. Dry cookies. Did you even know such a thing could exist? It was made for me.

Well, I guess I won't be hanging from silks in there. God. It's called Get a rig outside. You're in Florida. You'll be able to use your rig all year round.

But they don't like the open concept bathroom in the bedroom. And there's a long commute to Marys Park. But then house number three has good counter space. but Tyler's like, yeah, but look at the height of those ceilings.

There's no way I can hang an aerial silk rig. I'm like, okay, sorry, sorry. So Mary's like, yeah, we'd have to like renovate things. He's like, are you still thinking about a haircut? She's like, no, Tyler, focus. Amber goes, so, are you going to make a decision based on price, location, or quality of home? Trifecta. It's the trifecta.

kind of my concept I kind of came up with it I'm in the works with trademarking it trifecta so they got house number two right they got house number two which is seems about right I feel like she really liked house number one the most but house number two was a little cheaper for Tyler and had a space for her to put her cookies you know it's also a good space to put your cookies a table is that like out of do we do do we can we not is that like just not an option getting a dining room table and getting some cooling racks and putting them on the table. Is that just not? Hey, Mary made your table out of polls.

She's like, damn it, my cookies. They just keep falling through the slits. Plywood across two benches. It's a table. So their friends do come over, but it's not to audition. It is to practice stilts. So they've got another couple that they're like friend couples with and they all put on gigantic. stilts and just walk around together.

No, but the worst part. How did the neighbors not call the police on them? Because they go out to the backyard. They just like all these adults basically looking over fences. This is Orlando. It's got to create people out. This is the least strange thing in Orlando. But also

here's what I found so offensive. So they're talking about the house they got. And Mary's like, and look, we got lots of counter space to work with. So guess what happens? Tyler takes his stilts and just puts them on the cookie counter. So you're getting your stilt dirt all over where the cookies are supposed to be. That's such a Tyler move. He's like, that's totally where Joanna would put it. Yeah. It's also

stilt storage. It's like very southern but modern, but also colonial, but Victorian, but Buffalo. Well, she calls them stilts. I call them columns that you can walk on. It just makes me look more like a colonial. That's all. And that brings us to the end of dwell. Hello. everybody thanks so much for being with us if you want to send a suggestion of course do so we'd love to hear it this was one go to watch what crappins at gmail.com and shoot us something that says dwell hello suggestion we sure love you guys we'll talk to you next time bye bye