Watch What Crappens - Dwell Hello #406: A Fanboy Needs Some Space in LA

Episode Date: March 12, 2024

This week, House Hunters follows a memorabilia nerd on his hunt for a crusty ole poop box in the Valley. You can find the episode on Max (S162E19) by searching the title. Love you guys.Find bonus episodes at patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens and follow us on Instagram @watchwhatcrappens @ronniekaram @benmandelker Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

And welcome to dwell. Hello, I'm Ronnie, and that's Ben over there. Hello, Ben. Hi, Ronnie. How's it going? So good. Everybody, welcome to dwell. Hello, this is a very special episode because the valley is coming on next week-ish, two weeks.

I don't know, something like that this month on Bravo. Yeah. It's a new show about the valley. And so we decided to do a house hunters deep dive into the valley in an episode called what is it called Fanboy something about fanboy something it's called a fan boy

need some space in L.A. This was suggested by Anita. It's season 162 episode 19 we watch this on Max if you want to watch it on Max just go on there

and search for the title A fan boy needs some space in L.A and it'll pop right up yeah this is a very exciting one because sometimes

people are like Ben don't make fun of the valley. It's like, it's really nice and it's starting to get to be mean now when you make fun of the valley. But then you can watch this House Hunters episode and realize I was right all along.

It is a depressing, depressing place. Well, they certainly, you know, this show really, unless it's House Hunter's International, this show doesn't make any place look great. No, it really doesn't. But international makes you want to move everywhere. Yeah. In America, it's like, why do people live in that shit hole?

No, I'm just kidding. But these are three very depressing places that this guy looks at. So we meet this person. It's the introduction. And we see this guy that you describe as a Doey Clark Kent. I feel like that's a very strong. That's a solid way with like a little bit of Corey Feldman in there too, right? I can see that.

I feel like L.A., I don't know why, but the Valley specifically. is where you see people who are like, oh my God, you're so handsome. You're like Clark Kent. You've got big muscles. You should move to L.A. And then they do. And then this is like 20 years later.

This is what happens. Most people. Yeah, when they don't quite make it. This is when like the person who's like the stud of like the high school musical, like the high school musical, they're so handsome. You should be an actor. They come to L.A. And they realize that everyone from every small town has done that.

And now you are just one of many pretty good looking people, and you have to stick out from the pack and you can't do it. So then you wind up on this guy's trajectory. Yeah. Then before you know it, you're chasing Courtney Cox down for autographs to sell. Yeah, you're that person who stands outside the stage door for Jimmy Kimmel asking for autographs every single night. Yep. So that's this episode.

So we see him looking at houses with his friend who I think moved there. I think his friend, people were like, oh, my God, you look like a Disney villain who wants to kill a princess. You should move to L.A. and be a cartoon model. And she was like, I'm doing it. And this is her, you know, 25 years later or whatever. I think she had a stronger chance than him, though, I'm going to say. She did.

She definitely did. Her eyebrow work alone. I wouldn't be surprised if she was a double for Jafar. Like a, what do you call it, like a still model or whatever for Jafar? Like she did the mocap. Yeah. Yeah. Is that the thing with the sensors all over?

Yeah, with the ping pong balls. And it just read your eyebrow movements to, like, make the Disney villain look even more humanly villain. Well, you know, Dom, Dom was, Dom was that for Dr. Facilier in The Princess and the Frog. That's amazing. Isn't that crazy? Yeah, that was a great movie.

Not for the whole movie, but there's like one musical number where Dr. Facilié is like, I guess the prince, before he gets turned into a frog, goes to see Dr. Facilier, and Dr. Facilier is like, come on in, and then sings the whole song, and Dr. Facilier dances all around,

and they mocapped Dom, and they used his dancing. for Dr. Picelyas dancing. I love that. That's so cool. And also Dr. Pacillier literally looks like Dom, which is hilarious. That's Ben's boyfriend. That's my boyfriend, by the way.

Ben's gay. I'm gay. By the way, if anyone in this room is running a mocap right now, it's Ben because he's a homo. I'm a mocap. Got my mocap on for this episode. Get your mocap on your goddamn home. Ronnie is surprisingly straight. So who would have thought?

Yeah, might as well be at this point. I'm out of, I'm out of, use. I'm the doy Clark Kent of this recap. So yeah, no one ever told me I could be Clark Kent. But you know what? That's for therapy. So Mike, they're looking for places. And Mike's like, oh, there's plenty of space shelf for my autographs. Now look, I get it. Like you're a memorabilia person. I'm not trying to shame a memorabilia person. But shame yourself a little bit. Like, don't be like, I need shelves for Courtney Cox's jacket, you know, or like. I know. Jennifer Anna. It's only friends people that he's talking in my mind, but like you don't need something for like

Jen Aniston's discarded cigarette, you know what I mean? Put that in a closet somewhere. Pretend you have a real job for a while. This is definitely a guy who goes to those conventions that Kim Richards goes to to sign autographs. And I'm not even joking. Yeah, like when we saw that on Beverly Hills, we saw her go to where it's like her and the guy from the Blue Lagoon and then also, you know, like Christy McNichol and everything. You're saying like, who goes to these conventions? It's this guy.

It's like a big memorabilia guy. You know? And which is weird because I always feel, I feel like these days the autograph has been replaced by the selfie with a celebrity, right? I feel like that is the modern autograph. So I feel like he's in a dying industry too. Well, we can just do so much more with your autograph now that's nefarious. That's true. I don't think people should be just out there signing shit.

It's like, I'm going to go to a convention where I get all the celebrity social security numbers. Yeah, that's true too. I'm going to go to your mother's maiden name convention. It's going to be so fun. Yeah. Patrick Duffy, what's the first treat you grew up on? Are you related to Julia Duffy? Was she in?

Look who's talking. Baby Talk, the TV show. Or baby talk to TV show. So the narrator, Linda, says, fanboy Mike wants a place big enough to display his fanboy memorabilia in L.A. But if that means sacrificing a king-sized bed, that's okay, because he's not sleeping with anyone anytime soon. If you catch my drift.

I love that Linda fucking hates Mike. Like, Mike just needs a fucking place to be a loser. A really, really big, smelly loser. Hopefully, we can find a building where no one has a sense of smell so Mike doesn't get kicked out. Because, wow, what a loser. Mike needs a shelf to put all the photos of him with his never girlfriends. Oh, so then we see his friend, Vanessa, the Disney villain. Like, how much is this price again?

That's too much for Mike. Mike, it's too much. And he's like, oh, that's Vanessa. She's always worrying about the cost of things. And she goes, it's because I care. He's like a brother to me, a big, smelly, losing brother. A brother who sadly chases around stars from yesteryears for autographs that won't earn him any money whatsoever. Yeah.

But I do get the jerk off to Danny Bonaducci pictures later. So stay tuned. So, yeah, so it's the interesting. So we see little clips of what's to come. Basically, Vanessa being massively disappointed in every choice that Mike makes. Pretty much. And rightly so, you know. She isn't much better, though, because she's acting like she has all this taste.

She's dressed like a couch. She has a couch detailing. You know those nails for couch nails. Like studs. Like the little studs do they have? This one, I got this sweater at Siemens. No. So, yeah.

So now we just wind up here. We're now we settle in. Do you need another drink? No, I'm good because I'm still working on my coffee. I might have a ton of brink rules. I drink very slowly, actually. So we're seeing shots of the valley. Beautiful shots taken from Mulholl and Drive.

We see Universal Studios. We see just like... I love that area. I mean, that's the part where I went there. Stop yelling. Stop yelling. I know. I love that area.

I know. I did because I just took the longest thing of mineral water. And you know when you do that, You're like, don't burp, don't burp, don't burp. So I'm overcompensating, I guess, with voice tone. But, yeah, I went to see friends get taped years ago. I mean, I was 20. God, that show's old.

I'm old. We're dying. We're old. We're old people. Yeah. Anyway, I went to see that getting taped years. It was the episode where Brad Pitt was in it. You saw friends.

Yeah, I saw friends. You saw the Brad Pitt episode? I saw the Brad Pitt episode. It was so amazing to see it. too just I've never seen it or how it worked I've never been to LA like that I lived in Long Beach which my cousin told me was LA that fucking wire it technically it took me two hours to get there so anyway how Staten Island is New York City you know yeah so a friend took me to see friends I was like this is amazing this town like all the canyons and like driving by you know it now it just looks like

you drive by it all the time but seeing the Warner Brothers Tower yeah guys dreams am I right dreams Dreams. And then I passed somebody and I was like, I'm the new Clark Kent. And they're like, no, you're not. Uncle Fester.

Okay, the Uncle Fester parking is two blocks down, sucker. Ronnie's not lying about all the canyons. Like, I used to work as a PA on a sitcom at Universal Studios and literally Diane Cannon was on that show. I was like, when you talk about there's a lot of canyons in L.A.

It's literally, you work with them. I would have been amazed. She was awful. I'd have been like, how are your mudslides? She was awful. Really? Oh, yeah. I've told the story on this podcast.

You know who I'm thinking? You have told it, and I'm thinking of Diane Lane. So let me look up Diane Cannon while you tell the story. Diane Cannon. Diane Cannon was wacky. And to be fair, I didn't really have that much interaction with her. So I really shouldn't say that she was awful. But everyone on the set honestly said she was awful.

She just won a Saturn Award. So if I can get some respects. She was married like Dick Tracy or something like that. Carrie Grant. She's married to Carrie Grant. But the big story that I just remember the story with her is that the show I was working on was called Three Sisters. It was a multi-cam show.

And when you have to change scenes, they have to move all these cameras down this path to the next set in the sound stage. And she was getting her glam done. And I had to tell her, what is that photo? I was like, is that Zach Efron?

She's like a Ken doll. She's with some kind of Ken doll face. An old guy with like a really crazy face. Why isn't getting clearer? Come on. She is actually super, by the way, she's super religious.

She had something at that time called the JCDCAU, which was the, Jesus Christ, Diane Cannon, and you. She did not. You got to love when someone puts their name on top billing with Jesus. Yeah, by the way, I'm, like, loving these photos. This guy is fucking terrifying.

Who is this guy that she's with? Is this her husband? It's like some 65-year-old who has enough plastic surgery to look like old Zach Efron. Yes. Or kind of like Joal. Patrick Sean. Patrick Sean F. Oh, my God.

He's sorry. Anybody at home? I know this sounds like we're just mumbling to each other. Seriously, follow this and go look these people. up because this is going to be life-changing for you. I'm telling you right, Matt. Patrick Foley. Yeah. First, first official Farrah Fawcett beauty product unveiled. So anyway, the point is that, so she was getting her glam done and the cameras needed to come by and set up where she was getting her glam done and she was in her chair. And I, as a PA, they're like, can you tell, can you move Diane Cannon?

I was like, okay, so I go up to Diane Cannon. And I go, excuse me, Ms. Cannon. I'm so sorry, but can do you mind we have to the cameras are coming through can you move back a few feet and she looked at me like I said do you mind if I murder all your dogs because she had several little dogs do you mind if I do that and then if I stab you in the heart with an axe she was horrified and she was horrified but not nearly as horrified as the three gays that were surrounding her and they looked at me like who is this little fucking twink asking Diane can and they literally lifted her up in the chair she like because she could she could not get out of the chair. They lifted her in the chair and moved her across the sound stage to get away. They're like, Diane, you don't move a thing. We will do it for you. It was like the epitome of like gay servitude. Oh, gross.

But the truth is this. Can't wait to move back, looking for a place right now as we speak. The truth is this, the more I tell that story, the more I'm like, Diane Kent's the best. When you were a kid, you're like, fuck her. This is so humiliating. How dare those gays? And now you're like, she really got to figure it out. She really figured it out.

How is nobody carrying me? across the South stage right now. What a fucking loser am I? I should have joined her congregation. 100. Jesus is probably like, thank God I'm on my top billing with this bitch. No one's carried me across a fucking threshold in ages.

What a show to work on? We get shot to the Val. And Vanessa is helping Mike go through his stuff. And she's like, oh my God, Mike, what is this? And he says, stop. Stop torturing me for no reason. You know that this is Courtney Cox's jacket from Scream 2. So I work in digital marketing and affiliate marketing, and I'm also known as at Mike the fanboy.

Which, of course, you know that we're going to go to at Mike. Mike the fanboy. Mike the fanboy. Let's check this out. Do you think he'll be face tuned or not? Oh, my gosh. He has a website before his Instagram. He has his Instagram.

I don't want to look at his website. Do you think it's Mike Sammits? Mike the fanboy one? He's a hashtag screenwriter, hashtag podcast. Absolutely. Okay, let's see. That was literally his profile. Really?

Oh, God, it's him doing like the back-to-back. I love that they put his incorrect handle up. They put Sam the Fanboy in it's Mike the Fanboy 1. Well, maybe this is the backup account. Oh. Maybe Courtney Cox got his ass taken off the first time. Yeah, probably. His profile picture is him standing back-to-back with Pluto.

And that like crossed arms like 80-s sitcom stance. If you're going to stand back-to-back with anybody, it's Pluto. I know. So then he's replaced Vanessa, first of all, with this chick. Let's see who this chick is. I guess Vanessa gave him too much shit. And he said, how cute is Angie? Okay, do you think that means they're dating?

How cute is Angie guys? They're hanging in Santa Monica. Hashtag I wear my sunglasses. Oh, God. And look who's not in this picture. Not in these comments. Her name is Vanessa. Vanessa totally got dumped by Mike.

Where's Vanessa? He got rid of her. Now he's here he is showing. Goodbye, 2023. These are all his favorite photos. Vanessa doesn't make the fucking 2023 year. Vanessa's never on here.

Oh my God, I'm so embarrassed for Vanessa. What happened to Vanessa? Okay, this is like pictures of a lot of people that he's just met and he's like Jurassic Park people, a Game of Thrones dinosaur, his house, a gay, CBGBs, a few homely people. No Vanessa.

I'm not seeing Vanessa at all anywhere on this gram. So this didn't end well. Oh, poor VigB. Vanessa. Okay, spoiler. Oh, is that Vanessa? That's not Vanessa. No, it's not, Vanessa.

Just another very pale person. Okay, so here we are looking in the vowel. And Vanessa's giving him shit about Courtney Cox, which I think was the beginning of the end. I think when he's like, Vanessa's going to come in here and disrespect fucking Courtney Cox's vest. Fuck Vanessa. Yeah. So his whole thing is that he collects memorabilia and autographs. And Vanessa, like, we got to talk.

I want you to start looking at a home. He's like, okay. but I talked to Maryland and my real estate lady, and we're going to have to push the house back because we're going to an autograph signing. Me and you, kid. Me and you. We just came in over the fax machine.

There's a new autograph signing that's happening in downtown Burbank. Okay, so Maryland's going to have to wait because autographs need to be signed. And Vanessa's like, I'm Mike's friend. We met in Detroit on our first date of college, and he said, you have the highest eyebrows I've ever seen in my life. So I immediately started next. nagging him. So we see a picture of them when they were in college and like they

make sense. They're exactly who you would think they were in college. And I would tell him, he knew you should go to Hollywood. You're hot. He looked good. Yeah. He looked good. And we're still hot, you know. Age doesn't make you not hot. No. It just puts you in different categories. Yeah, it just makes you different typecasts. Like you're not Clark Kent. You're the guy who runs the newspaper. You know what age doesn't make you less hot. I just makes you less hot. I just makes you hot. It just sort of puts you into more specialized kink categories perhaps, you know? Exactly. Take it from us, kids. Age doesn't make you ugly. It just makes you sadder to other people. It makes you more of a specific taste. So you will still be hot to those who have that specific taste.

Oh, yeah. So you don't need everybody to love you. You literally only need one desperate person. Never forget that. You know what? There are certain people you meet and they become your family. And Vanessa is family. An awful, awful member of my family. I'm just like, die. I hope you die. I hope you die in your corny cox jacket. It's okay, Vanessa, geez.

So we see, yeah, the picture in college. So then we go to see this autograph thing they're doing. And it is with Mr. None other than Donnie Bonaducci. So Danny Bonaducci. So they said, he says like, I'm really excited about this one because I haven't gotten this one yet. you work in memorabilia in Los Angeles

and you haven't been able to get Danny Bonaducci's autograph like literally I feel like any dry cleaner in this city will have a picture of Danny Bonaducci's signed like he gives that thing out he is the most available celebrity you could find well he's not saying he wasn't able to get it he's just saying he doesn't happen it's like I haven't collected that one you know

so well but the thing is this so when he said I've never gotten this autograph I was really excited so the fact that shows up he shows up in this line in this random place that says like nachos. Danny is sitting. Danny's section is in front of the fast food ordering menu for like a 50 cent hot dog. I've felt bad for Donny Bonaducci a lot of times.

Danny Bonaducci many times of my life. Never this bad. Yeah. And he was just there. Poor Danny. Just like sad and signing this autograph. You know this wasn't even a real autograph section like session either. This was clearly like put together for the show.

And everyone in line was like a PA on. house hunters. Yeah, Donnie was just available, you know. They passed Donnie downtown somewhere. They're like, hey, sorry to just stalk the outside of the bed bath and beyond. But Donnie, you want to do a scene? He's like, fuck yeah, can we do it in front of the hot dog sign? Because I'm really hungry. It reminds me of one time I went to Vegas and you know how Caesars has that whole mall that's attached to it, you know? Yeah, Caesar's forum. The forum shops. So in order to get to the forum shops, though, you have to kind of like descend down into it. Like, there's like this like staircases that go down. Like this weird.

you're like circleding, but there's shops all the way around. And as I was descending down the path, there was like a baseball, it was like a shop where you can buy baseball cards and stuff and baseball memorabilia. And Pete Rose, legendary baseball player Pete Rose, who was, of course, like, he was like kicked out of baseball because I think he was gambling or betting or whatever, but he was doing something desultory with baseball. And he was sitting there at like a little card table at this baseball shop at 1 p.m. And they're like, meet Pete Rose, baseball's own Pete Rose.

and he was just sitting there and no one was in line and he was just there and like in the spiraling downward portion up to get to the forum shops it was just the saddest thing I've ever seen It's like the most fitting place for him to be They're like get him in the spiral It was it was like that's what it reminded me of Danny Baneducci

Poor Dan, but let me tell you Danny Ponoducci is a very positive person Like he's having the time of his life Probably like just living on the smell of the hot dog And he got a free hot dog We see his headshot and he's a very hot dog We see his headshot and he's like wearing a fedora in his headshot, which is so that era. Right.

So he's doing that and he's like making jokes with them. And he's like, so what's going on, Vanessa? So you're Ursula? Is that what you're going for? And she's like, oh, we're here because this guy cannot. He needs more room for his autographs. I mean, this guy's ridiculous, Danny Bottaguchi. And you can tell that she's so impressed that it's Danny Bonaducci.

And Mike's right because he's like, you're always giving me shit for. this, but you're really into it too. So stop shaming me. And she is. She's like, Danny Bonaducci. It's got the loser. I'm right. I'm like, I just called Michael Loser to Danny Bono Duci. Like, where are the cool kids? How about like, Danny, do you want to like maybe go to Bucco to Beppo after this? I don't know. It's just down the street. If you're in the West Valley where I am, it's kind of the cooler part of the valley. If you want to go to Olive, Mike has a fucking loser garden with me, Danny Bonitucci. Oh, yeah, he's got this useless autographed collection. He's not like cool like me. You know what I have, you know what I collect? Men in my vagina.

of it. Come on, Danny. Oh, gosh. And so Danny's like, oh, so my head shot's going to be like the last ones that's going to break the gambles back, right? Because you've got so many headshots that's break the gambles back? Can I borrow your purse? She's sold it for a second. So Vanessa's like, you know, the collectibles?

There's such a waste of money. He could buy a mansion if he just gave up the collectibles, but I guess he would need a job for that too. But, you know, you know what I'm saying. So then we go to know-ho. and they're driving it, which is North Hollywood. For those of you, a new to the discussion. By the way, for people who were like me and Ronnie at one time,

newbies to Los Angeles, North Hollywood is nowhere close to Hollywood. That's a very popular trap. Oh, it's a little hill between them. It's, and a studio city, and a theme park, and Universal City, and Valley Village. Everything is in between no-ho.

Well, Hollywood's a big place. I'm just saying people fall for that trap. They're like, oh, my God, I want to be in Hollywood, we'll just go to North Hollywood. They also fall for the Beverly Hills trap. Because Beverly Hills, they trick you. They'll be like, it's in Beverly Hills. It is not.

It's like downtown L.A. They're like, oh, come stay here for $900 tonight. You're in Beverly Hills and Hollywood and the beach. They do it all the time. They'll have like some janky-ass hotel that's like 30 miles away. And it's like, it's the Beverly Plaza. Like, oh, well, it's in Beverly Hills. I'm going to stay there.

Don't fall for it, people. Do your research and look at your maps. Yeah. Call a Ben. Call me. No-ho. We're in No-ho. They're going to go meet Marilyn,

that real estate agent, who hates their guts. And I love Marilyn. Maryland is someone who is told, listen, you're hilarious. You should go try something. She's like, I'll do it then. And she's, you know,

I believe in Maryland. I believe it's still going to happen for Maryland. I believe, too, but she deserves better than this. So Mike and Vanessa are driving around, but they're actually driving through the nice parts of the valley. They're driving through like Toluca Lake, et cetera. And they're like, I think they're kind of like dreaming of like what life could be or maybe he's trying to see him like to Luka Lake.

That's a gorgeous. So when I first, let me tell you something. When I first was previous to working on three sisters, I was also working on a TV show called Andy Richter Controls the Universe. And one of the writers on that show was married to Markey Post. And one day I had to bring something to his house. And Markey Post answered the door and they lived into Lucca Lake. And whenever I go into Luka Lake, I think about Markey Post. You're like this could have been a marquee.

RIP, RIP, Marky Post. Isn't that so sad? Marky Post should be alive. I think it every day. Every day. Yeah, I'm like, Marky should be here for it. So I'm like, this guy thinks he can live

where Marky Post lived? No, absolutely not. Sorry, Mike. Mike's like, oh, hopefully I can get Marky Post autograph, maybe, while we're here. I'm like, let me see how many stories I can pull out of when I was a PA and that had to do with actresses of another time. I love it.

We were just, this is your, a trip through your memories of that. And then I had to deliver a script to Eric Estrada once. All right, all right. Reel it in. That was the whole story. Leah Black. Leah Black just texted Ronnie. So Mike's like, you can't beat, you can't, blah, blah, blah.

He's like, you can't beat this location. I wrote Butte. So I was like, do I mean beautify? I was like, that's harsh. What had been right this note? You can't beautify this location. It's the valley. So it's close to all the studios.

And he's like, I really want to stay close to the east side of the valley. because that's like the easiest place to talk people from. That's where most famous people are. Yeah. It's funny. It's like it's really close to studios as if he's getting some sort of role. But yeah, it's just for him to climb over the walls and be, to avoid security. Yeah.

So she's like, you don't even know what the west side looks like because you've never come to visit me. Does anybody? So Vanessa's like, he really needs to check out the west side. Things are more affordable. We know Vanessa, you're wearing couch nails on your fucking sweater. Okay. You literally look like a dollar store. Come on, we have the last remaining kookaroo.

Come visit me. Our McDonald's is so old that still says thousands of burgers sold. We still have one last Boston chicken before it became Boston Market. Visit. So, so she was like,

yeah, you know, the house prices, around here, insane. And you're not going to get a condo because the resale amount on houses they're way better than they are on condos. And this neighborhood, oh my God, very like, I mean, look, it's not my style, but I know you like it. It's disgusting, so I know

you like it. It's terrible, terrible taste. So of course you like it, I'm like, you fucking loser. It's like it's very Midwest to me. But I just want to point out, they're still driving through the fancy area that he's 100% not looking for houses in. They're trying to con us into thinking he's moving into a nice area. He is not moving into Toluca Lake. Okay,

you cannot Toluca Lake Gas Lake. me but I love that they're one of his positives and everywhere they look he's like oh I love this place it's very Midwest what the fuck are you doing here go back to the Midwest go back who's holding you who's holding you yeah Mike she's like it's very bit well thankfully Vanessa's on my side because she goes well you I don't think you can afford this here yeah let's go let's go to no-ho okay can we stop this illusion that you're moving to to Luca Lake like oh my god this is it that bus bench right there you're gonna look so good there once you finally realize your dreams are stupid.

You know what? You're going to love waking up and seeing that man's mustachioed face saying, Accidentes to you, every single day. So he's like, I want a three bedroom. You know, as a freelancer, I'm in charge of my destiny and success. Oh, God, everyone says that until they're hit by a bus. Accidentes!

We're not going to get off buses now. So Vanessa's like, yeah, and I want him to also have a three bedroom him because he needs a rental income because he is a freelancer and we all know how that can go. I mean, he's not only a freelancer, he's a loser. He's also a freeloader. He's a loser, freelancer. Free Brittany, am I right? So, she's like, you know, I also want him to have a three bedroom, but like, he can't, he can't pay for that.

Okay, sorry, it's the truth, but I just want him to be responsible. Yeah, I want him to have a rental income, you know. So Mike's like, how much is this one? And it's going to be 625, which is nuts. Because I think this is an old episode. That's so expensive. Well, 625, like that era in NoHo, everything in NoHo is like a million bucks. I know, but this is like 10 years ago, isn't it?

When did this take place this episode? I have no idea. Aren't they all 10 years? I feel like everything we watch on here is 10 years ago at least. What's it called? What's it called? What? The episode.

Oh, a fan boy. Oh, geez. A fan boy. No, no. I'll look it up. A fan boy house hunters. Okay, yeah. The fan boy in L.A.

or something. A fanboy needs space in L.A. Let's see. 2019. Oh, so five years. But still, that was pre-COVID. So everything doubled in COVID, right? I just feel like this is a lot for that time.

It just, I think it's just that their vibe is so 1993 that it just feels weird to think that this was an episode from five years ago. Yeah, it is kind of time-travely. Yeah. But you know what? So was the Valley.

Sorry, be a hater. Ben said it. Not Ben, Ben, somebody said it, not me. So then she's... Let me just. tell another Marky Post story. Yeah. Save it.

Save it with a Marky Post story. Save this boat going down. Okay, so the real estate lady is already there. It's this big hideous. I mean, this apartment building is really bad. Yeah. So they're walking up to it. And she calls us, like, where are you, Mike?

And he's like, which building is it? She goes, it's a beige one. And he's like, it's the valley. They're all beige. Like literally every building here is beige. So, hello. Hi there. Marilyn Cohen. He's like, oh shit. I meant to hit up Mindy Cohen. This is a real disaster for me.

I was supposed to hire Mindy Cohen as my realtor. Now I got those random Maryland lady. Well, just so you know, the most important thing in real estate is location, location, location. You're going to live in the middle of a shitty toilet, but it's going to be in a good location, right? You'll have a stunning view of Lancashirene Boulevard. This apartment is hideous. It's got horrible dark dated hardwood flora's really dated my mother furniture i mean no offense to her but like we've had some big big old it's like where they mix the leather with the fabric and then they do like the old royal twirls on the wood yeah it's just it's bad it's so marilyn's like well this is almost 1600 square feet so you can store there's plenty of room for you to store your

nothing here He's like, I love the floors. Of course you do. So first thing I was like, ooh, those floors, he's like, love them. I wonder if I could get Mindy Cohen to autographs these floors one day. You just pretend to be Mindy Cohen? Here's a Sharpie. The Laminets of Life.

So Marilyn's like, yes, they're very neutral, very neutral. And Vanessa's like, well, the mirror door closes in the living room. That's nice. Oh, and there's a balcony. Is this the one that had the closet on the balcony? Yes, there was a closet on the balcony. Yeah, there was a weird. closet there and he goes oh my god so much square footage no it's not it's not even the length of a twin bed

and he's like i could have a barbecue at me oh my god i can have a barbecue i could invite conrad bain here is he still alive so um let's see so venezsa's like you can put your hoarder stuff in that stupid closet okay it's like it's called memorabilia Vanessa jesus no the locks of salé moon prize hair and not memorabilia that's just crazy stuff it's just fucking creepy mike okay so it's a galley style uh kitchen yellowish cabinet you know that yellowish wood it's not yeah this place is just not good and um the furniture in every room matches like whoever lived here bachelor like my i'm guessing someone said this person look like clark kent it's all just matching furniture that they bought off one set in one store in east holly yeah you know this is a place for like

First of all, this is not a place that you'd ever want to buy. This is like a rental. And it's like you just moved to, you should be 23 and you just moved in, moved to Los Angeles with your two buddies. And you're trying to make it. Someone just died here. Yeah. Because you can tell because it's all the furniture. They haven't.

Yeah. It's just, they just haven't moved it out yet. Yeah. You know, they'll like, we'll give you 10 grand off if you take out the furniture at. Whoever died was probably old, but still very hot to someone. Just as a reminder that just because you're older doesn't mean you're not hot. Just slightly sadder than he was 10 years ago. So it's disgusting.

Lots of closets. This place is disgusting. I don't need to go on for the... Oh, and she's like, look at that view. What a noise view. No, it's not, dude. It's a hideous view. It's like of a telephone pole and five other buildings.

Look at this view. You can actually see the H. Salt Fish and Chips from here. On Vineland. So it does one of those weird things where the rooms all kind of connect. So you have to walk through a bedroom to walk to an office to walk to another bedroom. Yeah. And they're like, this probably is not going to work. And Mike's like, the location's great.

But you know, I need more separation from the office because like I live such an intense life of work. I need like a balance between memorabilia and lifestyle. Memoralia and mine sweeper. It's like what is his office? Like what is that? I mean, he obviously sells the stuff on his website. But it's called the kitchen table, Mike. Yeah.

Figure it out. It's called Starbucks. Yeah. Okay. So then he's like, yeah, I want more separation of office. And she's like, oh, well, we'll have to go west for that. You can only find more office separation on the west side. Tarzana, city of more office separation.

Shall we go? By the time you get to the ocean, you'll actually have a door on the office. So, I can't. I can't tell what is real and what is not real on this episode. So Mike is now, we're seeing as Ben Yenelle. She really said this, the narrator. She's like, Mike is about to learn that there are things even more frightening than going west in the valley. I was like, damn, Linda is harsh today.

Yeah, so we are in Mike's apartment, by the way. We're getting a view of his life. And he's like, hey, stop. Hey, those are the original costumes from Facts of Life in 1989. Please be careful. Vanessa's like, oh, wow, facts of life, 1989. Really scored one on that one, Mike. This is Cloris Leachman's original bazaar that she wore when she took over for Mrs. Garrett.

Mike wants to live in the East San Fernando Valley, but his friend Vanessa wants to show him Tarzana, mostly because it's one of the only places her Disney villain eyebrows are acceptable. When I first moved out here 10 years ago and I had to start over, Mike took me in. He watches out for me and I watch out for him. Or when I say I watch out for him, it's more like I say, Mike, what are you doing with your life? This is embarrassing for me right now. So this is a hideous place. So they're looking at another hideous place. And Vanessa goes, oh my God, this place looks like Michigan. No, Mike. And he goes, but I love it. That's what I love about it.

So Midwest. Yeah. She's like, you know that tire that's on the side of the highway when you drive to Detroit? that's this place. The enormous oversized tire. And the real estate lady's like, oh, you're looking for that third bedroom all you? But that's downstairs. It doesn't get more separated than that, does that? Now, I do have to agree.

This place is so much like Michigan that Michael Moore is down there doing an expose on your basement. Please be careful. The walls are terrible. And Mike, of course, is a straight guy. So he's like, they're Tuscan. And she's like, those are called faux-painted walls, Mike.

All right. Yes, yes. The mom from Silver Spoons actually made this painting on the wall here. Like that sponge paint. He's like, oh, that was very popular in 1987, like Tootie, who I have an autograph from, by the way. Oh, well, this is a nice office. I could really work from home and have, you know, have both lives, you know. Although I don't love these blonde floors, okay?

That's a project. Literally, two houses with wood floors and they're both hideous. What is with the wood choices, guys? We shouldn't have, there's too many option in wood. This is just like an extremely, extremely sad condo. That's three floors or whatever, but it's just like, it's awful. Everything about it. Really bad.

Yeah. And I think a lot of times in L.A. And what you see in the Valley, because the valley was built up in like the 60s, right? I think so. So those places are all the 60s. So they're just run down. So it's like cotton, not, what do you call the ceiling? Cot corn ceilings and just old shag rugs.

And they don't really ever have to fix stuff up because the market, everything goes so quickly that they're like, why would I fix it up? You fix it up, you know? So you're always buying something. Not always. And there's always actors that are desperate for a roof over their head. Right. And they're just, they're thinking of it kind of temporarily, you know, like I'll get this

and then I'll be rich one day and I'll get something better. And in the meantime, I'll just live and squalor in this shit hole, you know? Yeah. So they. There's a sadness thing. And then in L.A. L.A. was built up a little bit earlier. And so those places are like old, old.

And so it's okay if they're went down. Right. Because they're like antiki-looking. They're like bongolos. And so it's like, oh, the writer of Casablanca lived in this bungalow. Oh, the gaffer who worked on gentlemen prefer blondes is in this bungalow. It's all nice. And it's like leaking water out the ceiling.

And you're like, oh, my God, how charming. Yeah. But like in the valley, all the stories were like, oh, well, the person who used to deliver in and out to the mom from Mr. Belvedere lived here. It's like, this is where Lauren Bacall's understudy finally gave up. Right here in this living room. She said, I won't do this anymore.

This dent was caused by a can of tuna that Lauren Bacall threw at her assistant. This is when Sally Field's hairstylist decided there's officially no hope. I'm going home. How dare you? Not Sally Field. So, um, Let's see here.

This one is big, but it's really run down and terrible. And Vanessa's like, I like the counters. It's like the only decent part of the whole place. They're trying to find something good about this place. And then he's like, look, there's a door. I can close Vanessa out with this door. So there's a lot. And they're like, this realtor is so funny.

It's my favorite kind. She's just like, you don't like it. Change it. Okay. Let's just change the flooring and the walls and the ceiling and move this wall. and the location. Just build a new building. Sure.

The guy whose primary income is selling Joe Asuza's autograph is going to be able to pay for a gut renovation of a three-story townhouse in Tarzana. And also this place has an HOA of 509 a month, which is crazy. What? So now they go to House 3, and this one's in Van Nuys, and it's closer to the East Valley. Yeah. Now this one's adorable, I think. Because it's a nice little house. It's a cute little house.

It's a super cute, old house. like a house from the 50s. It looks like my Mee-Maw's house, but it's all redone on the inside. Yeah, and by the way, the words like adorable and Van Nuys don't often get paired together.

I'll be honest, okay? I go to Van Nuys every single week for game night. And we, Ron and I used to work in Van Nuys. We have been in, I used to actually go to the Boston market of Van Nuys many, many times. Oh, yeah, I've been there.

So we know, we know Van Nuys. I'm just saying this because you know this could be someone's like, I'm sick of all your Van Nuys bashing. We're up and down in band eyes. We understand. They'll never reach us. They're in the valley. Just kidding. I just make those jokes because I know they tickled Ben. I really don't have much of a valley rivalry because I've always lived in such shitty parts of Hollywood that I don't think Hollywood's nice. I mean, Hollywood's a fucking dumb. And I lived in the worst part of West

Hollywood. So to me, that's a dump too. There's just something about LA. There's just something so gross about LA, but I still love it. I don't care. No, there's terrible. But like, you know what? Like, Hollywood is my brand of terrible that I've chosen. Like, that's my style. That's my style of terrible. It's your style.

Yeah. I don't think I've found my place yet. I would love to live like Laurel Canyon, you know? Oh, you would be such a great Laurel Canyon hippie. I feel like that. But it's always, you're so in danger of dying there. Flooding, fires, mudslides, coyotes. But I just want to.

Francis McDormand, I feel like it's up there ready to yell at you. I saw that movie, yeah, Laurel Canyon. She was so good in it. Terrible movie. I saw that right when I was. I moved to L.A., I think. Anyway, maybe that's why I want to live there. I'm very easily swayed.

I feel like Francis McDormand will come to your door and be like, hey, so you left your rake on my lawn. Yeah, you got to pick that up. It's a firehizer. I don't know how you do things wherever you're from, but in Laurel Canyon, we take care of this shit. Yeah, this is you're in our neighborhood. You got to treat it.

You got to clean it up. And you're just going to, like, see her at that little country store. What's it called the Canyon store? And she'll be really friendly to like, she'll be really friendly. to people behind behind like the counter and she'll be like hey good to see you how you doing everything's good at home good good to see you so you she's all you think she's all nice and then she comes up to your door Ron and goes your dog is out of control yeah and you got to tie them up it's going to be an issue it's going to be an issue yeah hey Pam good to see you good to see you yeah you're

gonna need to get your dog youth the night I think she's like her character all of kitridge which is a great movie it was a great miniseries but she's just this miserable well I guess every character she plays she's just this miserable fucking lady as well one of my favorites. She does misery so well. All of Kittridge. Watch it, everybody. Watch it.

It's good. Okay, so this house is terrible. And, well, no, this house is cute. This house is cute. It's also, by the way, this house gets a big, cute bump because we just went through two literal, hideous disasters. This one's cute. And it also has the original hardwood floors, which is really nice.

And they've updated it, but I like that Vanessa's like, oh, so they've, like, updated it, but it's still old. and the real estate lady is like, it's called transitional. Fucking moron. Tell me what you do in your life, that you can tell me what I do in my life. So it's actually adorable.

I mean, I would take this one. Yeah. This is the only choice. And this is cheaper than the other one, right? This is 629. This was the obvious choice. This is the obvious choice, but I was like, this guy knowing him,

he's going to choose the wretched townhouse in Tarzan. Right, I had no belief in this guy. I was like, This guy is going to choose the disgusting sperm-coated wine for sure. Well, because it's closer to Vanessa so he can get her to do all the things for him. Yeah. She's Vanessa, because Vanessa is the sort of friend that goes, Ugh, Mike, you don't even, like this, you can't do this to your,

this is how you treat your floors. Okay, let me show you what you have to do with your floors. Then the next thing you know, she's cleaning all the floors. And he's like, sorry, don't know how to do it. I'm just a per. I'm just a man. He's such a baby, Mike. Yeah, Mike's never going to grow up, just like my brother.

So he's like, well, the living room is kind of time. I mean, it's just, well, Mike, you're a Sasquatch. Yeah. And he's like, I get it, but Vanessa, I'm also Mike the fanboy, okay? And this has to fit my stuff. I've been actually looking for Sasquatch's autograph for many years now. So basically, this one's really nice. So, of course, he's not going to pick it.

So then we go to the real estate lady. There's a fruit tree in the next yard. And like one of the branches is hanging over. And she says, look, fruit. It's in your yard. It's yours now. Look, Mike, you can ask this tree for an autograph. And this one has a pool.

And he's like, oh, my God, got to admit, I love a pool. And Vanessa's like, I want a pool, boy. So then we have to decide, right? So they're driving around and talking the pros and the cons. Well, you know, the house is adorable and is great. And I could probably have a very fulfilling life there. And if I ever brought back someone who I was romantically interested in, whether it's a boy or a girl, they would see that and say, you know what, this guy has this shit together. So let's cross that one off the list. Yeah, let's get rid of that one. Get rid of that one. I would respect myself way too much with that one. So then it's between the three-story condo deep in the valley, which is past everything. He's never even seen that part of the world before, okay? He's like Christopher Columbus discovering new parts of the earth.

Going past the 405, which is where Torsana is, is a surreal experience sometimes. And this is the one with the brown sponge painted wall and falling apart, total disrepair with a high HOA's. Is this the one in the bathroom where he knocked the towel rod off of its hinges? Because he almost tripped and he grabbed onto the wall and the towel rod came off. The things are coming up off the floor. And ding-dong, he gets a tax. Guess what? It's Maryland.

They have lowered the price of the hideous three. story condo from 535 no from 600 635 to 600 so from 600 to 535 so now it's on 535 so he can't resist that deal but it's hideous he's gonna have to put that much into it to make it decent it's awful it's like an asbestos trap it's terrible he did it he got it and it is by the way disgusting disgusting it is still disgusting by the time they show him in there normally they show that it's fixed up and it looks cute like there are a lot of times people move into houses and you're like, what were they thinking? But then they move their furniture in and it looks actually kind of cute. This, I was like, I feel bad for anyone who gets invited to Mike, Mike the autographed guys.

Like, it's bad. His house. Yeah. And then he has, he's like, oh my God, look at this sink, by the way. We have so much remodeling to do. Look at the sink. And it's one where you just kind of touch the edge of the sink and it turns on. She goes, oh, that's neat.

And he's like, no, it's not. Who would want this? People who don't want salmonella maybe. I don't know. I laughed at that. Like, Mike just doesn't understand. It's like, why would you put electronics in a sink? Yeah.

Mike has a way to go. But you know what, though? He got a house and he's happy and that makes us happy. And we had a very fun time watching this episode. Yeah, we're hops. So, Mike, congrats. Vanessa, whatever you did to Mike, I'm sure he'll forget you. Your life is better.

Your life is better for it, Vanessa. I think Vanessa misses Mike. I think she's like, okay, did I go a little far? I went a little far, calling him a Sasquatch, a loser. Maybe I went a little far. I hope Vanessa's still alive. Maybe she's not.

Don't be like that. She was that. I'd have to look at it. I have to find Vanessa. No, don't do that. Okay, everybody. Vanessa, I hope you're still with us. Wherever you are, Vanessa.

Mike, guys. God, that would be terrible if we just killed Vanessa. We may. Well, I was doing that to give us a contingency. So that way, if it turns out that something tragic happened to her, that we have a moment where we could be thoughtful to her. Okay. If something happened to Vanessa and this was suggested by Anita,

then Anita, fuck off for suggesting this. How dare you? You set us up. You set us up, Anita. Great episode. Otherwise, we're best, Anita. Yeah. Everybody, thanks so much for the suggestion. You can email us at watch what crappins at gmail.com and use the subject line, dwell hello suggestion. And we'll check out your episode. We love you guys. Thanks for being here.

Bye.