Watch What Crappens - Dwell Hello #408: A Soft Landing in a Thai Paradise

Episode Date: April 10, 2024

It’s one thing to go house hunting in Thailand; it’s another to go hotel hunting. Just another wild ride for House Hunters International.  Check out Volume 8, S176E11 on Max to watch along.. Grab tickets for the Netflix is a Joke Fest in LA and our European tour at watchwhatcrappens.com Watch this recap as a video and get our bonus episodes at Patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens  Find bonus episodes at patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens and follow us on Instagram @watchwhatcrappens @ronniekaram @benmandelker Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Well, hello. And welcome to Dwell Hello. It's a watcher Crappins house hunters episode or show, I should say, where we recap house hunters, house hunters, international. We would even do house hunters tiny houses. I think we did that once or twice. I'm Ben. That's Ronnie. Welcome to our show here on Wondry Plus. How's it going? Great. Just so glad to be here. God, I'd be happier if I was just running a hotel. Wouldn't we all? Well, you know what? on our last episode, we went to Bangkok, Thailand. And this time, we are going into the countryside. This is Dwell Hill. I'm sorry, this is House Hunters International, volume 8, season 176, episode 11 on max.

The title of the episode, which is really what you should use to search for it, is a soft landing in a Thai paradise. And this was, this was a wild episode. This was one of those House Hunter International. episodes where you say to yourself, how are these people going to, how are they going to live in these options? What are they going to do? Yeah. And it's also one of those episodes where the people actually know they're fucked, but are just going along with it, especially the wife.

She's like, I married this man. I don't know why, but I did it. We're getting a hotel. I don't know why. We had kids. Why? Why? I don't know, but we did it.

Yeah. She seems like she is regretting so many life choices, but she's in it for the kids at this point, because this husband of hers really not, I would say, not like, not a top tier decision maker, I would say. I think she loves the husband. I think she's totally into the husband. Yeah. She just loves it. I think she's like, you know, I have an important job to blah, blah, blah, clinical psychology, a booty, booty. Guess what? It's so fun being with an idiot. I love it.

So stupid. This man, all he does is tinker around and fix things but breaks them but fixes them again. Oh, I love it. I can't wait to have more children with them. More confused children. Are these even their children? They don't look. I'm not sure. They don't fit.

They don't really all fit together. Nothing in this episode fits together. That goes for like doorways, relationships, Kids. So this is recommended by Katie. Katie. Katie. Thank you for this recommendation.

What a lovely bangor of an epa this is. Okay, so we open up with the family on a boat, like a riverboat. And the dad's telling a kid, you like to live in Thailand. And the wife is like, suddenly, I felt it like this. This is the place. Was it the river boat? I mean, was it the raging riverboat that your kids could fall off into and drown any moment? Let me tell you one thing this couple is not afraid of.

They're children drowning. No. Because there are literally 20 times where I'm like, your children are going to drown. And they're like, oh, my God, how fun. A pool with no lifeguard? Let's do this one with bridges over water. I know. Like, one of the options is just like the most perilous, perilous option we've ever seen.

Ever. Okay. So I went to Thailand and when I was in Piquet, I was at a little restaurant. I looked at the side and there was like, there was like a baby Godzilla just walking along. It's something called like a monitor lizard or a guana. There are these like really long, big lizards like big. Like they're like they're dangerous. Like you don't want those there.

And like you don't want to interact with them. You don't want to encounter one. Okay. It's scary. watching a dinosaur walking by and all i'm thinking is these people have no idea that these creatures exist and they're like looking at all these places that are just so lizard like giant lizard friendly i'm like their child is going to get eaten by a big lizard someday that only thing has this oh yeah um i wouldn't surprise me and they'd be like well guess what we did we've never

stopped hunting lizards we will find that lizard because they're a very adventurous couple So Linda is like, Oscar and Christine, her name is Christine, and it's spelled, I'm sure how it's spelled where she's from all the time, but to us it spelled Kristen. So I keep getting confused. So if I call her Kristen, it's because I'm ignorant. Okay, welcome to the show. So Oscar and Christine, we're on vacation with their kids to contemplate making changes to their hectic life in Sweden. And it's just like snow and strollers and children and like nothing hectic whatsoever. Yeah, well, let me tell you that stroller was not made for snow. Do they have strollers with skis because they show a stroller just in the snow? How are you doing that?

You need skis or bigger wheels or something. I can see why the fuck they wanted to move. I'll tell you that. Move somewhere with the sidewalk. I feel like Swedes, if there's one thing Swedes know, it's snow. If you're from Scandinavia, like snow is just like, snow is just like dust on the cover. It's like, oh yeah, like six feet of snow. Just put the stroller in.

We just go through it. I figured there would be like strollers but on skis or something, you know. You're just like kind of wishing the baby through the snow. But I didn't know that people actually are like, Mom, you know what's fine for us? We're else in snow. It's fine. And that's when a crazy idea came upon them to have sex and propagate. these two, really? Wow.

Here's a crazy idea. Sell those kids and stop trying to roll a stroller in the snow. You're welcome, okay? Some free advice. So a guy tells them, the realtor, he's like, so you want to open a hotel in Thailand? And they're like, yes, what? What? What is this?

How do, this is how you know you've met your person. When you look at each other and go, honey, I was thinking, I feel like opening a hotel in Thailand. I'm in. that's all I wanted. I was waiting for someone else to say it. Yeah, let's open a hotel in a random part of rural Thailand. It'll be great.

So, Christine's like, this was an impulsive decision. And then the realtor, he's like, they just changed their life and moved. I'm shocked, which is funny because this guy's like, the realtor's kind of hot. And you can tell this is a guy who like moved to Thailand to be a surfer. And like on the side, he like sells houses. And he's shocked that they up and change their life. when, sir, you gave up your life in Chula Vista and moved over to Thailand to catch waves? Chula Vista. I don't know.

He is so a Chula Vista server too. I totally see that. So then we see shots of dumpy places and Oscar's like, oh, we have no idea what we're doing. Isn't it great? And then what looked like a duck walks through like one of the run-down homes. I thought it was a cat. I found out later that that was actually a cat's tail moving back and forth just sticking straight up in the air. It's like, wow, there's a duck in the house. And then we see Christine Singh, if we were sensitive, we wouldn't do this,

and Oscar goes, true that! See? I love Oscar. I actually ended up loving this couple by the end. He's like, true that, huh? True that. I'm out of 5,000 from Sweden. Ding dong. Christine and I have been together for six years now.

She's like, oh, no, six and a half, almost seven years. Look at him trying to shortchange the years we've been together. Six years, six and a half, six and three quarters years and two hours in the day. Trust me, I count every single minute that I have to smell that herring breath. I thought, why is she clinging so tight to her timeline? And then he goes, and Daisy and me, my three-legged dog? We have been together for eight years now. And Christine's like, oh, well, you met Daisy one year before me then.

Okay, great. So then you've been with Daisy for almost eight years then. She's like holding on the timelines. If I've been with Asker for seven and a half years and Oscar was with Daisy for one year beforehand, how many years in total has he been dragging around that three-legged dog? Yeah. No, everybody, here's what I am. Am I a calculus major?

No. I'm a clinical psychologist. There you go. Yes. Who does enjoy calculus as well? Is that calculus when you're like, a train is going 90 miles an hour and a plane is going 80 miles an hour, but the plane is going backwards and the train is going in circles. Who gets to Oklahoma first?

I think that's just simple addition and subtraction. So they have two kids. Hedvig. Of course they have a child named Hedvig. Edwig, host three, and Christine. Can we not set the kid up for a less embarrassing life? I mean, I know that there have been a lot of headwigs who've done really great things in the world, and I'm sorry to be ignorant, but there is also a headwig in the Angry Inch,

and I feel like that one kind of trumps it. Yeah. That headwig trumps all the other headwigs in the world. You want your child to be called the Angry Inch? So Christine's like, so I'm a clinical psychologist. I'm actually educated, and I have to agree. And I make money for a household. And Oscar's like, and I stay home and renovate house.

And I change diapers, and I put them on the wall. And I read fairy tale. And then I do painting. Oh, and by the way, I jump out of planes for fun. Yeah, he also loves skydiving. He's like, yeah, I've been skydiving in the industry for, oh, one way or another, for another 10 years and four months. 10 years and maybe five months.

Eight months. Eight months. And I was at home one day. And I get a call from Oscar. He said, don't be mad now. but I broke my back. Music's very serious. He goes, yeah, it's happened mid-air.

We were too high. And then we see him like skydiving. And she goes, like, apparently he was going too fast. And the court opened up and like the whiplash broke his back and everything. And yeah, and that's why poor little doggy broke fall. Now he has only three legs. So then Christine is like, well. He fell on Daisy.

Like you can't even take your dog skydiving anymore, telling you the world these days. Well, you know, it speaks to my accuracy as a skydive. I landed right on Daisy. That's why we always make Daisy do squats. Very good repelled strings. Very strong knees, Daisy. Yeah, well, unfortunately, Daisy can't help us with our furniture putting it together, which is too bad kind of IKEA.

Swedish tradition, but you know, good little talk. So they were showing this video of him skydiving, and, you know, it's like a typical video of someone with the GoPro when they're skydiving, and they're like putting the camera in their own face, and their face is going like, well, from the wind, and he looks all happy, and he's talking about, like, you know, how terrible it was as he skydived to his almost death, and I'm like, is this the video? Surely they're not going to make us watch him almost die, you know? I was scared for a moment. I thought that's always going to happen too.

And Christine goes, you know, it's hard to support this activity when we have kids together on a dog with three legs. Now, if the dog had four legs, we could probably do it. But with three legs, I'm not sure. Just a little bit too hard. So we decided to go take a tip to Thailand to do nothing because he needed to relax. So the hotel was run by the Swedish guy and he just sat there and ran hotel as people with hotels do. And I thought if this guy can do it, we can do it too. You just sit there.

That's all we do. So I said, let's give it to try, Oscar. God, I love hearing that from people who run a hotel. We just sit there. I thought if this is all it takes to do a hotel, nothing, then I'm in. Sounds great. Get me a reservation at that hotel. They do nothing for you.

Can't wait to have my sheets changed once every three weeks. Yeah, I can't wait to name my hotel. Make it on bed fucking. The cockroaches are the maids. So. Yeah, so Christ, Christ, who's Christ? Christine. Is like, suddenly I felt like this is the place.

And it's also the only way to get Oscar out of skydiving. Yeah, well, we're going to spend 90% of the time outdoors. So we just wanted to go, we just need somewhere to sleep, basically. Yeah, because like, but I don't want to live in a hotel room. Like, you're buying a hotel. You're going to live in a hotel room. I hate to tell you. I hate to tell you.

That is where are you going to be sleeping? enjoy that. Also, you're not going to be outside all the time. That's such a weird thing to say. This is where you're going to be living. You can't be. That's what people say on vacation. Like, well, we can stay wherever. We're just going to be outside the whole time. This is your house. There are giant lizards out there. You're going to want to go inside. So now we meet the realtor. Joe Alonzo. And they're in this island area called Coalanta. And so he says, yeah, it's a rainy season now. and the storms can come in unannounced, bro. The vibe in Colante is an island field.

There's like so many roads unpaved, and like one strip of the island has commercial activity. And they're like, it's just like a great time to buy, bro. It's just been like growing in popularity over the years. There's like fives of people coming here. You know where's a great place to run a hotel? A place where nothing else is.

Great idea. Great business decision. So Joe has lunch with the couple. And this is where he's like, so you want to buy a hotel? He's like, yeah, one big enough to sustain my whole family. Something turnkey, you know? I want to get up and running ASAP, which is why we came to a giant puddle. Please show us a giant puddle so we can purchase them.

Literally one of them looks like a puddle with wood shacks in the middle. And they're like, this is beautiful. Well, you said you want a turnkey. Oh, I'm sorry, my English is not great. I meant to say we want something turkey. Do you have any hotels for turkeys? We're going to open the first turkey hotel. There are so many turkeys that run away from Thanksgiving.

We want them to have a safe harbor, but also pay for the experience, you know? People don't realize that 45% of Amex world travelers are actually turkeys. They need places to stay. So they're talking about turkeys. Oh, yeah. So then Christine's like, oh, but it has to be manageable because we'll also be living and we want room for the kids. And I wanted to have a resort feeling, you know,

like maybe little bungalows. I wanted to feel like a resort, but kind of looked like, you know, falling down and decrepit. Do you have anything like that in this island? Do you have anything with one pole in the middle that we can lean some plywood up against and then charge people for the privilege of staying it under?

We want a resort where you come in and your mattress is leaning diagonally against the wall. And one of the pleasures is that you get to pull the mattress down and put it on the bed frame. But the bed frame is broken, so you have to repair that too. Okay, here's what I'm envisioning. A Murphy bed, but with not the Murphy or the bed, just the mattress is stained. And then it falls on a child who shouldn't have been out at the pool with no supervision. Does that make sense?

How about Murphy bed where you pulled the bed down, but it turns out the bed is actually just wall? and so you just pulled the wall down and now you have open air coming in. Plywood. It can be a wall or a seat. What do you think? This is my dream. I'm just spitballing here.

You know, nice resort like. So, Oscar's like, well, people go into Thailand want a pool. And we have kids, so they'll love a pool. Can we have a pool? And the guy's like, uh, yeah, sure.

Okay, bro. Like, and how much do you want to spend. Hmm, $45, perhaps. Is that possible? And just like, uh-huh, okay. Well, she wants bungalows.

He wants a concrete building. I mean, this is going to be hard. What am I going to find concrete bungalows? What the heck is a realtor supposed to do? I'll tell you what this realtor is catching. Waves! Waves! What are we going to do with waves today?

Just you wait and see. Waves! So, so Christian's like, well, this is our first time here. And he's like, yeah, we started in Phuket. And Joe's like, great, man. Okay, cool.

So this is the Riviera house. It's freestanding. It has 11 rooms. It's got a pool, a restaurant. It's got quarters, actual quarters on the floor. You can pick them up. Use them in America. And it's also turnkey, sort of.

Yeah, it's kind of like a standard hotel. It's two-minute walk to the beach. So, you know, look, if you are on the beach, it's sky high. But what's really important is it before you came here, you did the most important thing, guys. Zero research. So this is perfect. Come on in.

Now, we understand this hotel isn't on the beach, but if you sort of squint at the puddles that are nearby, it kind of feels like you're on a beach, right? It's kind of like a coastal look. Your slogan could be not on the beach, but nothing fucking else is either, so fuck you. Okay, let's go take a look at it. So there's like 11 rooms.

It's like a very small host. hotel. But there's a nice little pool, and Oscar's like, oh, I love the atmosphere. And Christine's like, yes, the pool is a great area for kids, you know? You know what the best is just leaving kids in a pool and going off somewhere else and, you know, seeing what happens with fate? You know what I call pools babysitters? It's best when you just leave your child there, possibly with a plugged-in toaster, and just go enjoy your life. That's what I say. So they go into a room. Can you hear the rain out there?

I can't. It is a pounding. It's pounding here. It's pounding down rain, guys. The storms you sure do come unannounced. Sure do, like an eclipse. So the room is like, it's not what I would look for in a hotel room. And at first glimpse, I'm like, this is not a good room.

But then by the end of the episode, it looks like a luxury suite. Because the room is getting worse. Well, that's how they get worse. They just lower your expectations until you're like, you know what? That first one was amazing. Let's go back to that. So this one is okay. Oscar's like, oh my God, it's made of concrete so well built.

Let me tell you what I love. Concrete. Like we know, Oscar, you're a huge concrete stand. Okay, we get it. So Joe. I almost named Daisy that concrete, but I decided I would give them something and the softer name. So they go to check out the family quarters.

and they're wait no they don't do that yet so first they go see a restaurant which they like and he goes and shows like as you can see there's people dining because it's a restaurant it's as turnkey as you can get or turkey as they do serve turkey here look at that lady is she a swinger she might be because there's this lady is like oh really you're going to eat in the restaurant you want to sit by me yeah it's like all ladies it's all like sturdy looking woman uh in there there's like some sex trade going on here and yeah welcome he came to lady den the rest of restaurant. So it seems like, it's a very sweet hotel. Welcome to Guilf. Welcome to Guilf paradise. You're the new owners? I got some, I got some rules to teach you. I have

seen on me. They say you wait around here long enough. Melissa, Melissa Etheridge walks in. Still waiting for that. So, they, they think it's like a nice little hotel, but they go to look at the family quarters that they'll be living in, and it's a dump. It's an absolute maniacal dump. So they hate it. And let's see here. What else is happening? Oh, the current manager lives there.

And the current manager, let me tell you, not into personal grooming or cleaning at all. It's smelly. There's cats everywhere. No offense to cat lovers. This is not shaming the cats. It's a shaming the cat owners. And there's just furniture everywhere,

clothes everywhere. It's gross in here. It is nasty. I don't know what that owner was doing in here, but I can tell you this, it was nothing good. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it was terrible. I mean, I appreciated the cats, but these definitely had the vibe of cats that came in from the outdoors that were just heard that there was food. These are cats that you know, you read the stories of, oh, my God, the owner died and the cat ate its face off. These are those cats. Because some people are like, oh, my God, that's not my cat. And then some people are like, oh, that's totally my cat. These are those people's cats.

They will eat your face off when you die. They probably did, and that's why I smell so bad in here. It's like the set of the Seven Deadly Sins in there. Well, they are shapeshifters. They shift from being cats to ducks. Yeah. They have a very limited range of shapeshifting, and no one understands why they shifted to ducks,

but they do it. This is the one I thought was the duck walking through the room. So they're playing clown music because this couple is trying to make this place okay, but they can't, you know, because they're a very positive couple. So Christine's like, oh, you know, the bathroom is small, but maybe we could make it work, but I don't know. Cat eating face, cat eating face.

She literally goes, it smells so bad. Can we go talk about this outside? I don't want to leave. I do want to talk about it, but outside where it's not so smelly. I know we have a show to shoot, but can we do our discussions in the open air, please? This is terrible. Terrible. So Oscar's like, well, it takes all the boxes.

Oscar, no, it does it. He's like, aha, concrete. That's my box. My box was concrete. It takes it. Just because it looks like a bunch of boxes and there are probably ticks in there. It does not mean to tick boxes. Hey, box, can I have a moment with you?

I want to tell you something. Consider yourself ticked. That box only has three legs. It's very sad. So, Christine's like, do we have any resort style? You know, something nicer? And he's like, yeah, and something bigger. So Joe's like, well, if she wants resort,

style i'll show her resort style joe style so can't i just say something this show is so funny to be house hunters it's this little town nobody's heard of and there are three hotels available to buy in this town how is that possible and if that's true you all need to not open a hotel why are there so many hotels for sale something bad's happening in this town okay there's not just going to randomly be three hotels. There's one street with nothing on it, but three empty hotels. It's weird. So now they're on a beach, and Oscar's like, oh, we can take up scuba diving. And Christine's like, I've never met someone so interested in so many things. And none of them include making money. It's weird.

Talk about the man who doesn't live for material things. Am I right? It's so attractive. So then they're taking a cooking. class and learning how to make tom yum soup. And she's like, oh my God, he even loves soup. It's crazy. Now, you should see the one where he tried to make a video of making tom yum soup while he was skydiving with a cat on his shoulder. Crazy times.

Daisy was never more upset than when he spilled an entire bowl of Tom Yum on his head. But that said, Daisy loves a good Tom Yum now. So I guess it worked. Oh, doggy's favorite soup. So, yeah, they're taking this class. And, but she's like, you know, we don't know what we want to do with the future, but we have kids and we don't know what that's what that's even worse. That's when I decided that I loved her. She's like, yeah, you know, we don't know what we're doing, but we didn't know what we were doing.

We had kids either, and they're here. Look, hello. Oh, look at that body of water. Go sit in there and wait for mommy. You know, everyone has their legs except for Daisy. so, you know, I think we're doing okay. We're scoring seven out of eight. No, I'm sorry, that would be, let's see, two children, two adults, and one dog.

So that would be how many legs? That would be five, so that would be ten. We're scoring a nine out of ten on the leg front. Poor Daisy is pretty rattled from her flight over from Sweden. They made us put her under the plane. she was big enough to be in the economy but she just wouldn't let go of her tam yum soup but they said no soup

unless you grow into steerage so you couldn't separate the two she may not have one leg but she does have opposable paw thumbs so she was holding onto that tomium soup by the way I just did all that addition of the legs on the people the dog

was that calculus yes or no just addition just basic arithmetic Oh, damn it. Why do I even try anymore? Wow, the hotel was right up Oscar's alley, but Christine and Joe were concerned he wasn't worried about her wishes. One of which is, let's buy a place people actually want to come to.

I don't know. Just thinking outside the box, which has been ticked, apparently. So now they go to house number two, and it's a resort style. It's Muclanta. And it's by the other hotel. And we don't find that out to the end. So, spoiler alert. But we do know because they're both called Lanta at the end.

So they're on the same family. They're on the same hotel family. Yeah. So it's like, you know, IHG or like Hyatt World of Hotels, you know, the World of Hyatt. It's like Atlanta. Yeah. It's actually a lesser known part of Kempton or like Muclanta.

The Lanta. The Lanta group. So then Joe's like, Cool, Christine might be intimidated by the size of this place, but let me tell you something. She is going to be charmed. I mean, can't be that hard right. Did you see the jackass she married? Enter Oscar.

Oscar, enter. That was your line. So we go to this place and there's like all these raised bungalows that are on stilts. And they're all connected by these paths that have no guardrails whatsoever. It's just these narrow paths. And the reason why is because during the monsoon, season, I guess the whole area becomes like a raging river. So enjoy having your guests who will probably be drinking alcohol at some point and then get swept away when they fall off the bridge

into the monsoon rivers. Yeah. It doesn't sound safe, but you know what? Looks pretty. Looks like a fun place. It does look like there will probably be a lot of mosquitoes. I'm going to go ahead and say that. There's a lot of standing water around. A lot of water. Also, I feel like that's that's going to be lizard highway. I think those giant monitor lizards are just going to be fucking down there below those bridges. It's going to be like, the moment you fall down there, a monitor lizard is going to come out from the dark and just grab you by the foot and drag you into its little cave. You should write travel books. I'm telling you, that monitor lizard really.

Look at a book of just like the horrible things from places like Thailand, guys, I went to Thailand. Lizards. Let me tell you what I saw. Standing water and lizards. What's out! feel like you don't fully appreciate how big these lizards are i'm going to send you a link right now i'm from a desert town in texas no lizards do not scare me sir no okay no i play with lizards actually you know what's been happening in my house now that you're saying this monitor lizard i'm going to open

it holy shit this thing's gigantic i know it says the headline is tie man almost loses home to monitor monster monitor lizard it's a giant monitor lizard has like climbed up against this door There's also a famous story. There's a video of like a monitor lizard that goes into a convenience store and then climbs up onto the shelves. I mean, these things are being is huge. It's enormous. It's enormous. And what is doing in this picture, it is crawled. It's standing, basically, against the wall and the door.

And it's trying to open the door with its turkey neck, like it's waddle. It's trying to open. It's breaking into the house. These are terrifying. And the headline says, you already said it, he almost loses his home to monitor. lizard and then the subheadline or whatever says ties also call the reptiles hea which apparently means fuck there's also there's a youtube video that says why the water monitor lizard is a misunderstood gentle dragon um so if it's a misunderstood and really gentle that means that like honestly

most people think it's like a terrifying thing that's going to kill you so yeah i'm not going to fuck with it i'm not yeah but that's you know but it's articles by alicia tanne that's that really hurt the monitor lizards because she's like, oh my god, guys. I'm gonna write one article about a monitor lizard and then here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna show it breaking into a human home, okay? And that's gonna be the PR,

I'm gonna give the monitor lizard. Now, I put this into the Google because I need more evidence, and there's a monitor lizard eating something. Oh, it's a video. Oh, God, these are terrifying. Oh my God. Oh my God.

telling you. That's where I saw the monitor lizard was... They're eating a kangaroo. Oh, no. Really? Oh, my God. What if you clicked on? What did you click on? I'm never going to recover from this. I have to say... I can't stop watching it. The monitor lizard that I saw was in like a wet area, like this puddley zone under these bridges, which is why I'm like, I would not feel safe. That being said, I did find a photo of someone captured a monitor lizard and they put it in a bin and they put like a little harness on it. And when it's wearing a harness, it's actually adorable. Look, I'm going to send you this photo.

I don't know. I'm not okay. I'm just fast forwarding through this video on YouTube. I'm fucking horrified. Also, straight guys, stop wearing sunglasses on top of your hats. It's so disturbing. Sorry. Okay.

I can't. Thanks a lot for ruining my fucking life with this monitor lizard thing. You're right, though, with the collar, he does look very cute. With like a little harness on, he's actually like the cute. newest little lizard you've ever seen. It's like, hey, guys, what's going on? Are we going to go shopping today or whatever? Maybe we got ice cream?

He's cute, but let me tell you, I just saw one eat a kangaroo, and I'm never going to be okay. I don't know how you found that. I didn't see that in any of my searches. It was literally the first, here I'll send it to you. No, I'm not going to. Okay, so back to Muklanta. Here we are. This is the, yeah, this is the place with all the little bungalows over the water puddle type things and the bridges and stuff like

And Christine's like, oh my God, it's $210,000, well, at least it's Turkey. Now, what they like is that it's gorgeous. Like, this is the nicer one, but it's all so terrifying. And it's so many bungalows. They're going to have to have a huge stat. And also, I think that they, I think they're drawn to the deal because it's $200,000 and they have 24 bungalows. It's a huge expanse of property, like relatively speaking.

And so, you know, and it's, cool that it that they are bungalows but like the rooms are like shitty i'm sorry first we see the the owner's uh bungalow which is strange it's like is this the one where you have to go through like the shower to get to the toilet i think this was the toilet's in the shower toilet's in the shower it's like it's like almost like a linear floor plan you have to go through one room to get to the other to get to the other it's like i think it's terrible i would never want to live in that bungalow and you've also got a child it was a one bedroom too right i think this is the one that It's a one bedroom.

They're all going to have to check out. And the worst thing is the pooping, especially because you have little kids who just don't care. Like, you don't get any space with little kids anyway. But, like, pooping while the showering and the, it's just too much. Like, I just need, I need you damn kids to leave me alone. Okay, just let daddy poop. So they're looking around, and Joe's not very helpful.

The realtor is just like, well, the owner's suite's not supposed to be fancy. Shut the fuck up, Joe. Lowering my expectations for us. asking for fancy we're asking for functional okay like there's a fucking toilet in the shower there's no room for the children there's not like the kitchen there was like basically non-existent and they keep on saying wait but there's going to be a restaurant do you see how many people are at the restaurant from muclanta no one okay all the ladies are at the other one which means that this restaurant is shitty you've got a shitty chef so you better take those soup lessons

because no one's coming to eat your food also um what was i going to say he Sorry, no, you just went off too well. I'm not going to do it. And that's not the last one out of Georgia. That left me. Very satisfied. I'll just stick with that. Also, what I was going to say is, you know what people really don't want in their hotel restaurant, their tiny hotel restaurant?

For the owners to be in their day and night with their kids running around, eating everything and food popping out of it. Because you know Oscar eats with this damn mouth open. You can just tell Oscar eats terribly. I can just see it happening. And I don't want to be in there with a guy who checks. me in and his fucking kids everywhere. I just making small talk with me because this life is so boring. Okay?

I don't want that. Don't need it. Don't need it. And I don't want to have to like pretend like I care about his kids because they'll be like, oh yeah, this is head big. Yeah, Helvick is like now entering first grade. Yeah. And here's Daisy.

Daisy lost. Okay, don't touch Daisy's time. Yum. She's very possessive. Okay. Oh, I'm so sorry. She bit you. Okay.

Well, hospital is 45 hours away. Good luck. Oh, my God. Don't fall. Hold on. Let Daisy. get on to you, Daisy. Oh no, they found another

monitor lizard. No, it's dead. It tried to eat Daisy's tom yum soup and Daisy. Daisy doesn't fuck around. Daisy can't walk because she just ate a monitor lizard who tried to eat her tomium. Daisy lost a leg because Oscar landed on her and now she's

addicted to Tom Yum soup and will kill a monitor lizard if it gets close to it. Daisy's a badass. Okay, so this place was, this place is, you know, should be nice, but it's not. The owner's suite is not great, but it's way better than the last owner's suite. Yikes, that one was literally like the sloth apartment in some of that. They are still smelling it over here. Yeah.

Yeah. So then there's a little, there's kind of a water view because they are close to the beach. Yeah. But there's no pool, so they're bumped by that. And there's a lot of maintenance, obviously, blah, blah, blah. Okay, so Joe is like, it's turnkey, and they're never going to find anything better than this. You know what, Joe, my phone's ringing. It's Chula Vista.

Go home. Joe, it's called the Marriott that's up the street. Yeah, they'll find something better. Fucking Joe, negative Nancy Joe over there. So now it's time to go to house number three, or hotel number three, as it were. And Oscar is like, you know, people move to Sweden for the Social Security and the child cad. we're moving away from that. Christine's like, yes, this was an impulsive decision.

Kids do change your priorities, but we still want to have fun. Yeah, and the way to do that is that the whole family is to have more fun. We've always had a stable income, and that goes away now. And not knowing if people will come visit us, that frightens me. If we run out of money, then what do we do then? And then it shows like this little crab in a shell walking across the beach. The crab's like, I don't know. Don't ask me, I'm a fucking crab.

I don't know what to do with your fucking money. Why did you move here? It's terrible. Look at me. Look at the life I live. Yeah. Well, luckily, Christine can still clinical psychology somewhere, right? I mean, there's always people who need a clinical psychologist. Yeah, especially all those people are traumatized by monitor lizards in the neighborhood. And listen, you're in a different country than I'm used to, so I don't know what the laws are over there. I'm completely ignorant about that. But I'm hoping that there aren't child labor laws and you could put those damn kids to work. Okay? Think with your brain, sir.

not your insecurities. Yeah, exactly. So now they go to Lantan Lily. So they're going to have, there'll be a little house there when there's a restaurant that's empty again. And there's a pool that's close to the main road. And the beach is two minutes away.

So those are like the upsides. Yeah. So now the owner's music, they start playing clown music. for the owner's quarters because it's always terrifying. And this one sucks as well. There's one bedroom. It's way too small.

And Christine's like, well, we need another room. They're like, we can build it right here on this balcony. No, you can't. You can't just build. I love when people see like, they're like, look, it's a wooden deck. What a perfect place to put an addition onto the house. There's already wood there. You guys, you understand that it takes a lot more than a few planks of wood to

make a room, right? I forget what this one looks like. I don't know why. I sort of have a memory of the other. I'm going to sort of, I wonder if I can like go on to Max real quickly and get like a quick view of it because I remember the first two. It's weird. I just watched this.

But like, it's like I think I blocked this one out because it was so. I remember I, I remember the pool was right up there against the road, right? Like there was like a line of, it was like a hedge. Well, this one was nice. This one's the one that's concrete. So what's his bun is jizzing all over himself because he loves concrete. But yeah, it's also. there's a beautiful pool like oddly beautiful yeah it was big pool and it was real pretty but yeah it was

right up against like the highway you know and um which i thought wow that's not very relaxing also way to make even a pool way to make a pool even unsafe even more unsafe like wow not only your kids going to be hanging out alone sorry about that not only your kid's going to be hanging out alone at the pool but they could be run over by an errant truck or whatever while they're there okay so I'm looking at it now. Oh, God, this one was terrible. And I feel like the only good feature about this one was that there was like a giant flat screen TV. Here, show me, put it up on that thing because you're right.

I don't remember it either. It's not weird about house hunters. I could watch it. And then five minutes later, forget what everything was. You know what? It's not going to let me show because it's that thing where it's like protected. Oh, the DRM or whatever. It's, okay, so I'll describe it.

Who are you protecting house hunters? I mean, DRM rights. So the pool area is nice. Like all the money went up the pool area. It's this big rectangular pool with like blue tile. There's a bunch of umbrellas. And it's just weird because it's like umbrellas up against some little baby palm trees. And then there's like a road behind it.

But then everything else just looks like shit. It's just like a big red roof and like an empty restaurant that no one's at. That there's like one flat screen TV in. It's garbage. We don't like this one. It's poo. It's poo. So this is the one.

So let's go discuss which one they're going to get. So Kristen's like, you know, this country is perfect for you, Oscar, because you take it day by day, right? And he's like, yeah, I can live somewhere anywhere as long as it's financially sustainable. You guys are moving to a hotel without a tourist. You're opening a hotel in a place without a tourist. Hello. And also, by the way, just one last thing. When they were trying to like rationalize why this third one might be a good one, they were like,

we could get a DJ for this pool. I'm like, this is not San Trope. This hotel, you were not at Mickey Beach right now. Oh my God, this is going to bring in so much money when people hear pool. And we can have DJ here, freeway DJ. Freeway DJ pool. Freeways, pools, DJs. Yeah, sounds like heaven, guys.

DJ Daisy three leg. Daisy just spinning. Oh, no, Daisy's playing. who let the dogs out again. God, she needs more of a repertoire. I'm looking at Soft Landing and Thai Paradise. Where are they now? I wish they had this. I need to know

what happens to these people. I need this channel to have more responsibility. I looked up actually the hotel that they chose and I looked at the website and they made it look like nicer for sure but like I would still never stay there. What's it? Oh,

well let's get to that work because I want to look at that. Okay, so they're doing the debate and everything. I'm not proud to admit this because it's, I don't like being like this, but I'm reading for these two. Good. There I said it. Well, so they, the house number three, they like it.

Oh, actually, I'm sorry. The first one is the Riviera, and they like it. It's on budget. It's turnkey, but it's just not enough rooms to support the family. So they decide they're not going to do the Riviera boutique. And then, which is, by the way, the best one, which is just sad, I think. And then they just are like, Christine's like, yeah, I just feel like Lanta Lily is like the logical choice.

Because, you know, it's like a pool, but next to a high traffic road, which I think is like good for tourism, you know, because that way they could be sitting in the, in the Shes lounge and wonder, is car going to hit me now? No. What about this one? No. What about this one?

No. Yeah. He's like, I love the pool, but the family space is too small and we have to build a room. I should like, then take it off. I was like, whoa, Christine, two seconds ago, she's like, oh, my God, it's the best one. But room building, take it, ruin it, burn it to the ground. So then he says, well, for me, the Riviera is the most sensible. She's like, oh, if we were sensible, we wouldn't be here, huh?

I have a watermelon slice and a bloody merry. True doubt. True that. Didn't we also miss that they were, at one point, they were feeding watermelon to monkeys? I was like, did you not watch Real House was in Miami? me, stop feeding the wildlife. They were just throwing the, yeah, the kids were throwing their food at the monkeys. I think it's different when they're like wild monkeys out in the river, right?

I think that was offensive because she was, Lisa was actually throwing chicken breasts at little shacks, like at little houses along the river. Like, you need food for your dogs, poor people. It's some chicken. It's wild that that is something that happened on TV. So, um, it is. I will never. I don't think anyone who saw that will ever forget that.

That show is so fucking crazy. So they decide, you know what? Moklanta. Oscar goes, Moklanta is the dream. It's sustainable and has an onus court as better than anyone else's. Finally, shitting and showering, all at the same time. Pup and de Sawa, coming soon to a bathroom near you. So Christine's like, it scares me, but I want it.

He's like, oh my God, that's what you said on my wedding day. She's like, I did. So they go. They figure they bought the right place. and guess what? He's in waiting boots already because guess why? They also got the hotel next door.

Yeah, they got a two for this. I think the person had ever seen on house hunters, not two for one special. We got two of the houses. They found an investor, which sounds odd. I think these hotels,

they were just people selling their business, but part of their business or something. I don't know. People ready to retire. Okay, so what's this? hotel called i want to look it up moklanta uh m o k space l-a-n-a and it's like an eco eco hotel that's how they're marketing it at well that's one way to not offer air conditioning smart people eco who looks great you know the website looks nice um there's not a lot of photos of the interiors though but they

definitely made it look prettier than it is um in fact there's no pictures of the interior I'm looking on Expedia. Should I have gone to a different site? I had looked also on travel, on whatever it's called, TripAdvisor. Okay, so we're seeing the same thing. It looks pretty.

I think they did a good job. Can I tell you one of the best art forms in our day and age is property photography. I have seen some real shit homes look like glorious mansions the way that people are photographing these homes now and these spaces. And this one is the same. I think they did just the photography is great. But you know, a lot of the photos on TripAdvisor are from 2015. Oh, but here's one from December 2023. Yeah, I think they actually did a nice job. They cleaned up some of these rooms. I still think

it's probably it's definitely more like there's a nice photo from 2014, but that's 2014. Like it's definitely more low budge than it seems to advertise and they really need to update these photos. so many from 2000 it looks nice do you see the photo down at the bottom with the pool where it shows a pool i don't there's like there's like there's like two there's a monitor lizard in it spoiler alert is they're real for real no they're a kid i think they're kids but they're wearing um those flappers you know that you wear when you go scuba diving and they look they make they're coming together and they look like a big monster in the pool all right well this was fun everybody um uh house hunters am i right thank you katie for the wreck

And everybody, thank you for being here for us, Rex. Yeah, don't forget the, if you have an episode that you think we should cover, just email us, watch our crappins at gmail.com, and please put in your subject to dwell hello suggestions. That way, when we go looking for episodes, those are the search terms we use in our Gmail. That helps us find your recommendations. Guys, we love your faces. Okay, we'll talk to you next time.

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