Watch What Crappens - Dwell Hello #409: Newly Single in Chicago

Episode Date: April 25, 2024

A board game nerd and a lady with a coffin are looking for condos. The twist is that they’re a divorcing couple, and she’s the real estate agent. Check out our recap of House Hunters Season 207 Episode 4: Newly Single in Chicago.  Grab tickets for the Netflix is a Joke Fest in LA and our European tour at watchwhatcrappens.com Watch this recap as a video and get our bonus episodes at Patreon.com/watchwhatcrappensFind bonus episodes at patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens and follow us on Instagram @watchwhatcrappens @ronniekaram @benmandelker Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Well, hello, and welcome to Dwell Hello. It's our Watcher Crappins House Hunters recap show exclusively for Wondry Plus. I'm Ben. That's Ronnie. Thanks for subscribing to Wondry Plus and supporting Dwell Hello. It's always good to have you here. How you doing today, Ronnie? Well, hello, Ben.

I'm doing great today. I just love watching. I love watching people. I love watching food court people. thinking they can do better. When we all know, they probably can't do better. And that is what this episode of Househunters kind of gave me today. And I'm grateful.

Yeah, it was good. And I felt I was, it was an interesting episode because I could both empathize a little bit with what was going on. And also just how I also understood the disdain of the situation because board games were involved. And that's, that's my chosen hobby. So I was triggered and embracing all at once. But this episode that we recapped came courtesy of our listener, Amanda, who suggested it. The episode is House Hunters.

Newly Single in Chicago, Season 207, Episode 4. You can watch it on Max. Just type in newly single in Chicago, and you'll find it in a jiffy. So thanks, Amanda, for the suggestion. I was cracking up with this episode. There's a lot of stuff going on. Should we just dive into it, Ronnie? Let's do it.

I'd like to announce just in case anyone gets confused as I did. I started watching this and I was like, wait a minute, we've done this episode before because we have done one of a guy looking for a board, like a board gamer guy looking for, we have done that before. And I guess because you love board games. So people keep sending us the board game stuff. And it was good. This was a good episode to send. But I thought we'd done it before. We have not done it. No. So it's just leaning into board game nerds. I guess so. I feel so seen and heard. It's great. But also it's like understandable that you. you feel like we've watched this before because so many of these episodes do take place in Chicago and so many episodes are like this and are seem to be called newly single in Chicago. We definitely saw one with two days in Chicago that we're trying to find a place. So I know that. And a lot of these places in Chicago seem to look the same. So it felt very familiar all at once.

But it was brand new. It was fresh. It was fresh for us, everybody. So we start out with curtain talk. He's like, well, I'm going to have to buy curtains for the windows. And then the lady's like, I mean, I can pick out the curtains for you. And he's like, I don't want you to pick out my curtains for me. Bid.

We're like, oh, my God. Now we see why this couple didn't last. She likes curtains that he doesn't like. And Linda chimes in and says, Brian and Leanne are getting a divorce. In case you couldn't tell, look at them. They hate each other. Why'd they even get married in the first place? Let me guess. Societal pressure? God, that's a bitch. Can't wait until they both realize what speed dating means. They're both still screwed.

There's no way to speed up the pain of this date on either side. Listen, just because you both look like pieces of white bread doesn't mean you should make a sandwich. Okay, move on with your lives. I will tell you, we see them driving solemnly, so I think is a good description of them. They are very solemn. We see them driving, and I will say, looking at these two, I would think that they'd work out because they're the same. You know, like with gay people, there's like a lot of times you'll look at gay couples and they're dating each other. You know, like we date twins of ourselves.

And it's like, or at least on the same trajectory. What am I trying to say? Well, it's like, you know, a lot of times you look at gay couples where you see them and they are like mirror images of each other. And it's also that thing where people talk about how dog owners often, like their dogs, people's dogs often look like their owners. Or they have like that quintessential vibe that carries over to their owners. And I think in this case, we have a situation where you see two people that really just have twin flame energy, twin bland energy. You know, I'm going to, I'm going to say it in the fashion. I mean, they both, it's like a dress barn next to Walmart.

Burlington. I thought you're going to say Burlington. The same. Burlington isn't a bad one. His, I was trying to place this shirt. I know it's not Old Navy because I'm an Old Navy. Oh, his shirt. And that's not old Navy colors.

So I was guessing Walmart because it's that heathered, you know. I don't know. Yeah, but Burlington works. It's like a dress barn next to a Van Huisen. Or Panheuson's more formal. dress barn next to yeah it's like the walmart casuals section yeah for sure yeah yeah agreed um so it's um they seem like they would work basically and there's the same amount of not sun it's like the same lack of sun um fashion just a lot of rayon with her especially she really is into like a sack of rayon. I don't know.

I just feel like she's... My fashion perspective is sack of rayon. But it's over and over, you know. At one point, I was just like, every time, every single time, Leanne, can we make no effort? I mean, you're in Chicago. You're in a metropolitan city. Has nobody told you, like, listen, if you're going to be a realtor here, we're going to need to work on the sack of rayon, okay? And at one point, she's like, look at me.

I'm fun. I'm in a stack of Rion, but with martini glasses on it. It's not helping. That being said, Leanne is, like, definitely out of Brian's league, right? Like, we can not,

can help, help we acknowledge this? Bowling League? What league are you talking about? The league of an extraordinary gentleman. I don't know. I think that, like, I just think that,

like, Leanne, like, he should have, he should have done what he should have, he should have, he is never, going to have it as good as Leanne. I'm going to tell you that right now. I'm telling you. I mean,

does she hate him? Yes. So that's not good to have him a partner. But like definitely like he's not he's not going to he's not going to what's the term like bat higher than that or she's out of his league, I think. Yeah. Bull better than that. So she's the realtor in this one and which you know is great because she gets to show the hatred of him on her face, unlike the ones that have to hide it every other week. So she's like, I'm going to take it to the first one. This first one's really nice, and it's really modern. Yeah. Not your haircut, but the house. That's what I'm talking about in terms of modern. Okay. Your haircuts. Yeah, you're sort of stuck in like 1972. That's fine. That's fine. But navigating a home purchase and their relationship won't be easy, especially because they're both

morons there I said it if you fire me fire me but I'm not going to go out without saying my truth it's like whoa linda wow however will two homely people ever decide to live without each other they're like the same side of this the same sad grilled cheese sandwich wow it's like having a ham and ham sandwich with no toppings enjoy Hi, I'll have some ham on the side of my ham. Hold the mayo. Hold the mustard. Hold the flavor.

Hold the personality. Also, navigating a home purchase and their relationship won't be easy. It's two tasteless people inside tasteless properties. So much not tasting of anything. Next thing you're going to tell me is there's a little girl involved who crawls under her father's chair and pokes at his butt. Oh, wait. Sorry, got ahead of myself. And now we're saying.

see what's happening in this relationship because she's like navigating a home purchase is not going to be easy and we see because it cuts to him going can I fit my board games in here and she's just looking at him like don't just fucking die already Brian you fucking lose it and he's asserting his independence by like fine then I'm going to leave you and I'm going to find a place to put board games yeah and just rolls her eyes and she's like I am like I am like a Logan's 8, and he is a Logan Square 2, and he's going to choose Freakinsettlers to Catan over me right now. Wow. Wow.

Talk about settlers, both of them. I'm like, you guys already settled. How many more times are you going to settle? Keep the land you won. You know what I mean? There may not be a well on it, but it's there. I sometimes like to say I would play the settlers of Kaftan when I met him, as in I was wearing a Kaftan and decided to settle. so I met him. I swiped a settler. I was a settler with cat tans before I met him, but he's allergic.

So we're just both regular settlers. You know, the number one game for a long time was called Gloomhaven. Also is the name of our marriage. So she's like, he's like, well, where am I going to put my board games? If my couch goes there, she says, you can put your board games under the TV. Fucking loser. And because that would be weird. She says, oh, really?

That's weird. Not 107 board games. And let me add, loser. So, um, I can't imagine no one wants to sit around talking to Leanne. You're the reason people get hobbies. I felt bad for Leanne. You could see that like, this was, she's like, I married a different man. First of all, when I met him, he wore Banana Republic and his favorite hobby was going to the

library for lectures. Now, he plays clank in space. These two got married out. These are two antisocial people who got married because she got knocked up, basically. I think is what happened. Because he, well, he points to her, he's like, she's a weirdo. She has a coffin as a bookshelf. And then we see it.

She does, in fact, have a coffin. I don't know how it's a bookshelf because the lid is closed, which I think is hilarious. But she's got a coffin as a bookshelf. And then he buries himself in antisocial behaviors like, my music, which means sitting around not paying attention to somebody. I know because I engage in that hobby. And board games where it's definitely not involving her. So I think it's two people who are like, we're kind of antisocial, but maybe we'll just be right for each other. And then they're surprised that they're antisocial with each other.

You know what I mean? So we go to the opening credits and everything, and then we land. We're in Chicago. And like, considering that the preview has shown that we're dealing with a board gamer and the woman who wants to leave him, the music is like very upbeat. It's kind of like hip-hop dance. Like, don't do. Wee-wee-wee-wee-w-w-w-w-chicking. I was like, what is this music for these homely people?

The music should be like a sad guitar strumming at this point. Not like some music like a dance break. Yeah. It's like, thank God. It's very happy music to very depressing people. Because these people would be morose even on their wedding day. These people wouldn't even get this happy music on their wedding day. You know what I mean?

I always need a cello for this couple. We needed some yo-yo maud doing that. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, you know that piece. That's too happy. There were too many nanas. I didn't recognize it, but there was a lot happy. I just need more of like a... Wait, I need to play this music.

Because this music, it's just wild how, like, this music does not match. Let's see if I can bring it up. I have the episode right here that... Okay, I'm going to... Ew, I have a fingernail on my keyboard. That is disgusting. I mean, it's mine. That happened.

I was biting my nails, and I flicked it. And I guess it fell on my keyboard. Fingernails are so disgusting once they're not on you anymore. Like, they're fun to buy now. But, like, for two minutes, like... I'm like, that is disgusting. When they're on you, you're like, oh, these are fun. Let's paint them.

Let's do fun things with them. Let's play with them. And then you clip them off. You're like, get out. Yeah. I guess that makes Brian the fingernail in this relationship. Okay, wait, here's the music. This music is so unnecessarily upbeat.

Listen. Up we go. Let's go see you, Mama. I'm 36. Do you hear that? He's guiding a little girl up a staircase. The music's like, bum, bum, bum. What is what is up with that?

We're really good wood over there today. Okay, honey, we're going to go inside the door. So he's like, I'm 36 and I'm a software engineer. Like, babe, we know. We can see you got the software engineer special at Supercuts. Nothing says you're a software engineer more than your look. You know what I mean? Like you didn't even have to say the words.

Everybody knows, Brian. And by the way, as a disclaimer, Brian, if you are a fan of my side board game podcast, you're great. We love you. You're the best. You're so hilarious. Stop listening right now. Brain game. Check it out.

So Liam is like, Brian and I met in college through a mutual friend. to. I don't speak to anymore for obvious reasons. I seem to remember, she said, I've got this great guy for you to meet. And then one time she sent an email that said, I can't believe she didn't realize I was joking. This is awkward now. And then she said, oh my God, that was meant for someone else. Please disregard. It's a weird friendship we have. So you know this couple hates each other also because of how they number like literally every minute. She's like, we were married. about nine years and we were together 12 years.

He's like, yeah, we're currently separated about a year and a half from getting divorced and we have a daughter who's three and a half years. You guys literally got together and just started counting time immediately. We named our daughter. This is counting time. Honey, have you found a place? It's been 30 minutes. Yeah, Leanne's like, yeah, we have a daughter named Everly.

Everly, which is short for Forever with Leanne. Please get this man out of my life. I'll keep the daughter. Get the man out. I can't look at more board games. Psychologist thought

I probably meant deep down to name her Neverly. Like he never leaves. Never leave. So Everly is... I have so many board games and are... leave, which I think it's funny too, because they mentioned a lot. He's like, I have so many board games, but he's never like, I need room to play the board games with people. He's just like, where do I put these board games? Do you think he goes to like a board game cafe or something? No, he needed, no, at one point he said he needed a table for the board games. And so she was like, put it under the TV. He's like, no, well, how are we going to watch our video playthrues? How are we going to watch our rules tutorials at the table's under the TV? So she's like, yeah, our daughter, he's like, our daughter is. Her name is Everly. She's the same age as when I rate our marriage, 3.5.

And she just makes me laugh every day. So he's like, yeah, the marriage didn't go so well. But as parents, I think we do really well together, right? I mean, we have to. We're on good terms because, I mean, we have to be. And you don't. You don't need to be on good terms. Have a terrible marriage.

Have a terrible break of it. It molds a child, you know? And then this is the part where the producers have said to Leanne, can you say something nice about your ex-husband? So she goes, Ryan is very smart, I guess. He can find a parking space at Trader Joe's relatively well. Not really, actually. I usually have to say there's one on the left, and he's like,

no, but I want to get closer. But I'm like, what's the point of getting closer? We could walk three feet. You probably need the walking. And he says, I can get closer. And then guess what? We're looping around. So actually, I take that back, not smart.

But I will say this about him. My MacBook was never late to date the software, so he was good at that. Yeah. Oh, he is really good at cluttering up a space with boxes that have arts of aliens and medieval people. Okay, so then the little girl. is, oh, no. So then he's like, yeah, well, sense of humor was one of the things I liked

about you the most, not being able to come up with anything. But you're pretty quiet, huh? And she says, it's called introspection, Brian. And he's like, yeah, well, she does have a coffin for a bookshelf. And she just shrugs and we see the coffin as the bookshelf. And he goes, that casts a little glimmer into her

personality. She's like, I like, I like it. She's like, sometimes I just need a space to hide away from you. So I got a coffin. You know, girls got a dream. And she's like, you know what? Yeah, I'm not quiet. I'm just introspective. It's amazing how marrying someone like you can make a lady just recede into her thoughts and question why she ever did the things she did in her life. I never really understood how turtles felt until I married this person. Lucky, lucky creatures. So Brian's like, well, I'm currently living in our old. condo, which we had together. And so

Leanne's already found her house, but now I'm looking for my home. I thought it would be awkward to choose her as an agent, but I thought, couldn't be any more awkward than waking up next to her. All right, Leanne? She's like, yeah.

So I just knocked on the coffin and said, can you show me some houses? And she said, okay, I'll come on out. When he asked me to be his realtor, I said the same thing as I did when he asked me to be his wife. Sure. I want to be there when you die. I said the same thing when he proposed to me. Well, I guess I got nothing better to do right now, so I'll show you some houses. Hey, this isn't going to make me rich, but it's better than, I don't know,

being broke. Do I have to play any board games with you in the process? Do I have to play earth-born Rangers with you again. So, you know what I like? I like that you're giggling because you've never heard of what I said, but you know it's a real game. I know these are real. It's like, ridiculous. The funny thing is that, like, I'm basically Brian.

So Brian's like, you know what I really want? You're like a hot socialized version of Brian. You're like what Brian's what Brian's think they are. That's the nicest thing you could have ever said to I'm like what Brian aspires to. Yeah.

You're like the Homecoming King version of Brian. Every time I come home with a new board game, I can sense that Dom wants to give me the look that Leanne is giving Brian all over this episode. But then Dom always says, well, at least it's not meth. He's like, you know what? I'd rather you'd be addicted to board games than meth. I think that's how he gets through. It's too bad Leanne never had that meant.

She probably would still be with Brian to this day. So Brian is like, so this is what's hilarious too. Brian is like, well, here I am wearing my American fleagle, which is, as we all know, the Canal Street version of American Eagle. I'm really that sad. And I'm a software engineer and I love board games. I want something chic and modern. I want something chic in modern Chicago. So she's like, well, you know, I don't know because you're not going to be able to afford, you know, you want all this stuff like a backyard and extra rooms.

I don't think you can afford that, Brian, which is why I left you. He goes, hey, I need three bedrooms. Everly needs to have her own dedicated room and I need space for my office, my board games, and my music. It's like, oh, my God. There's so much I don't want to know about you. There's like so many things I don't want to do with Brian. You know, his music is just like synthesizer, like scoring for when he plays Ticket to Ride, right?

It's like, hold on, guys, hold on. Before we start playing this game, let me just press play on this new track I did. It's called Ticket to Rack. Okay, hold on one second. Also, this is where we have the shot, this amazing shot. He's sitting in a chair or like a counterstool. And Everly has climbed under the...

She's like crawled under the chair. and is looking up at her dad's ass and just smiling so proudly. She's like, that's my daddy up there and just starts poking at his butt through the holes. I love that age when they're too young to know what an idiot their parent is, you know? That's like my favorite time when a kid gets to that moment with like, oh my God, these people are disgusting. Like, I know when dogs do it. It hits dogs when they're about two years old. And they, I have seen it with both Bueller and my dog before Bueller Zena.

There was just some point where I came. home and they would run around in circles for 20 minutes. And then there's some point, around two years old, you start coming home and they just look at you like, this is it, isn't it? This is when Everly is too young to realize that she will soon be replaced with a copy of a feast for Odin, which is about the same size as her. It's a big game. She still thinks she's number one, her daddy's heart, not realizing there's an entire board game collection that comes before her.

Yeah, so we find out that Brian's in a rock cover band, which, oh, God, help us. It's literally a band about coverings that go over rocks. It's called their number one hit is we put a tarp down. Stalactite sheets. Tarp on some boulders, tarp on some boulders, you're so rocky. I bet you think the song is about you. You're so rocky. Taffer to on.

Gravel, taffod to ungravel. Let the pebble roll. Let it go tumbling all down the hillside. It turns out he's actually just a Carly Simon cover band that sings that rocks. Covered in a sleeping band. A sleeping bag. Nobody rocks better. Sorry.

So he's like, yeah, and I've got 107 games. Leanne wanted me to hide all my games, and that's why now I'm going to put them all on display. Well, you sure showed her, Brian. Talk about how Stella got her groove back. I mean, waiting to exhale, this is the new sequel. He's going to just light a stack of boxes that he hit his games in on fire and walk away. No, she has waiting to inhale. She's just like waiting in her coffin.

Like, at some point he'll be gone and I can inhale. I can inhale air that does not smell of 43-year-old man-child. Yeah, 100. Yeah, because he's totally lying about his age. He's not 36. He's 43 if he's a day. That's for sure. I'm sick of smelling cardboard and plastic figurines.

So he's got a budget of 500K, which, I mean, sounds cheap as hell to me in Chicago for a three-bedroom with the backyard. But okay. Let's see. They seem to work miracles on this show constantly. So let's see what happens. Yes. And he says, and Leon's like,

well, I do know the market this year is crazy. Sort of like the market for men when I married him. You know, what I do know is, you got to know, you get what you pay for. That's the lesson, right?

Well, he wants new construction. He wants a big place, big, great outdoor space for all the zeros of people who are going to come over to this nerds home. But I'm not sure we could. do that. And he wants to be in Logan Square because that's his current neighborhood. And she's like, oh, by the way, what do you think of my new kitchen? And he's like, ew, gross. I hate the color of the cabinets. But you know what I like gray cabinets? She goes, yeah, that was a, that was a small test to see

if we had any chemistry left. And guess what you failed? We don't. So she's like, Brian doesn't really have a style. Yeah, but Leanne, you're Liam. I mean, just in defense of Brian. I am like, rain on sack. You do have a coffin. So, yeah, she's like, he doesn't really have a style. He has more of an absence of style.

You'd sit happy and he'd be happy to sit in an empty room with gray walls and gray furniture. I'm like, wow, I can't believe someone would accuse someone of my community, the board game community of having no style. That is outrageous. That is absolutely outrageous. We were one of the most stylish communities that is in any sort of corner of the world. We went into a board game store in Nashville because we were just in this neighborhood. And I was like, oh, it's a cafe.

I didn't realize it was a board game cafe. And my sister came in there and I swear to you, covered her purse the whole time. I was like, why are you covering your purse? She goes, I'm not. I said, you are too. You're guarding your purse. I was like, they're homely, not, you know, criminal. We're a gentle people.

We're gentle people. This deodorant sometimes, not always adopted, perhaps. But that's an accidental aggression. I was like, do any of these people really look like they're going to chase you? Come on. Our entire hobby is built around sitting around the table. We're not moving. We're not moving past anytime soon.

So she's like, oh, God, you're going to have to decorate this place by yourself? And he goes, yeah, and I'm excited because I can decorate how I want. That's kind of the point. Leanne. Lawn, Leanne, coffin, not rhymes. So she just flares her eyes, like, I am really excited to close this chapter of my life.

I want to close this chapter on Brian the way I close that coffin door every night when I head away from him, swiftly and authoritatively. Well, first up, Leanne has picked a place that's a few minutes away from Brian's ideal neighborhood, which is most likely somewhere

that says cotton blends and has no barber. But she has her reasons for this. It's 10 minutes dry from her. Leon's like, well, this is an up-and-coming neighborhood, or it was until they saw you, and then it became an up-and-getting out of their neighborhood. Then the entire neighborhood did exactly what I did the first time I saw you naked.

They stopped coming. Yeah, they're starting to get a lot more restaurants. And before you ask, no, I'm not, I'm pretty sure Picotomast is not arriving here. But yeah, it's going to be, it'll be full of all sorts of places where you can't get dates. This is a whole new neighborhood of people to swipe right on your picture. Lots of women who are out of your league. You swipe left. So House 1 is a three-bedroom, two-bedroom.

bath, 1400 square foot, and it's only 104, 50K, and it includes a garage. It's new construction. This neighborhood must suck, because this place is really nice, right? Yeah, it looks pretty nice. It's a gray modern building. It's, like, wedged in between these two older houses. I'm sure they love that. But it's funny because new construction in Chicago is, like, nice. New construction in other places, like L.A. New construction looks pretty abysmal. But Chicago new construction all seems to be kind of like this olive, like light olive. of kind of brickish color with black accents. It all looks very nice to me. So they go in, and the construction fences are still up around this place because it's not done. And so Brian's like, wow, when you said new construction, you really meant it. You know, she's like,

just die. Yeah. It's a kidding. I don't, no. And the HOA is only 162 a month, which is crazy good. So far I'm taking it. I'm taking it. Yeah, so far it's good. Yeah, it's a second four walk-up, which, you know, is gross, but it's a city. So it's a, it's a farmhouse style. Okay, I'm officially done. Please stop. Just stop at the farmhouse. I live in one. And, you know, it's great. I'm not complaining about it. It's already happened. There's, you know, there's no unspilling the milk, if you will. Yeah. But we've got to come up with something else. Come on. How long has this been around? Everything is farmhouse. And Austin, everything is farmhouse.

You can't find anything else except the standard Texas. Like, you know, that's another look too that needs to go away. The granite and the, yeah. I don't know. We just need something new. I can't with the farmhouse in the city. It just doesn't look good. Yeah, this one is like a big narrow condo.

And so the living space, like there's a living room, but it looks really narrow. Like you could not get, you could have a sofa and a TV. but you would be hard pressed to put like a chair that's perpendicular to the sofa in there. It has a nice little balcony or whatever. I think it has a balcony. But on the flip side, one thing I did notice, given how small the living room was, I thought the entire open concept would be small. But there's enough space in there that they were able to stage a table that had six chairs

in it, which is actually pretty significant. If you can get six chairs, and by the way, as a board gamer, because, you know, by the way, I'm going to make, I make fun of this guy, but it's not like I did not consider each and every one of these things when I was getting a place. I was like, is there a room for me to put a table that I can put a board game on? This is a board game safe table. Like, this is a table that's big enough to put a board game on and have chairs at and have people there. So, in terms of that, that's a big thumbs up in my book. Okay. Well, surely he'll listen to you. I mean, surely. Surely he'll do the right thing. That was the plus side. The living room was

a shoebox, though. So that was the downside. And the kitchen was also pretty small. And then Brian doesn't like the floors. He's like, oh, he's like, the floors are interesting. Is that a Matt finish? And she's like, yeah, you fucking idiot. It's Matt. You're a software engineer you don't know. You can't tell.

Actually, it was reflective before you showed up. But like everything else in your life, you sucked the sign right out of it. Well, at least someone's finishing around here. I just wish I could meet someone in Matt. So, yes, the white oak mat farmhouse floors, because they're doing this style even in, like, modern city apartments, which makes very little. I know it's called modern farmhouse, but come on. So they've got, like, the white plank floors and then the same blue cabinets and same, like, wacky, you know, modern tiles. I mean, it's a template, basically.

It does feel like she's trying to sell them on something. Like, she's maybe, like, improvising here. She's like, oh, yeah. Instead of shiny finishes, like, I've been seeing a lot of matte finishes, and like one of the ladies in my office has actually picked out the matte finish. Matt finish is like really in right now. It's like very up and coming like this neighborhood. Oh, and also it's like very trendy right now to have cabinets of different colors, you know, like one color up top, another down below. You know, so this is a great place and you should move into it and get out of my life. Great, bye. Yeah. And she's like, and he wants gray cabinets, which of course he does. Also gray has to stop. It's literally everything is gray.

It's like a prison. And so, let's see. So there is a rooftop common area. And also he has, not a backyard, but like a little area for the kid to play. And he's like, well, there's not really much room for her toys. Well, you know how to solve that, don't you? Get rid of the kid. Get rid of her.

Or get her a job. I like that he wants his toys to have priority over her toys. He's like, she can't have toys. Yeah, only all my board games. I'm going to have 107 board games. And she gets like. some blocks. That's it. Yeah. Also, did you notice that like every house this episode had this weird thing that they had balconies or patios and all the patios seemed to be connected with like a communal

staircase? Did you see that? Every single one, I was like, that kid's going to get kidnapped in two seconds because they're like, hey, here's your own private balcony with stairs down to the street. Like, what? I know. Every single balcony had like a wide staircase. It's like anyone can come to your balcony. I thought that was so strange. I guess, Is it a Chicago thing? It must be. I don't know. It used to be a friendlier place than the rest of the world because yikes.

I didn't like that. So that when they go up to the rooftop, so that staircase, by the way, that public staircase leads you up to the public area. Which is also gross? Because you know everyone's drunk friends is it going to be like, okay, bye, and they're going to stumble down into your balcony. Yeah, way to go, Francine. but he looks over where the staircase will be and he's sort of like teetering over the edge and the Lianne goes,

I'm not going to push you over the side until I get my commission. So then he doesn't love this one because it's so small and there's not really a lot of space for Everly but it has most of the space he needs. So he's also worried about there being no bars and restaurants, which, you know. You're a board gamer.

It's better. It's better to start in a neighborhood without bars and restaurants, then go to a neighborhood where bars and restaurants are shutting down because they see you coming, you know? Listen, if you have postmates and you have access to a dominoes, you've now hit that board gamer checklist. If there's a subway there. Let me tell you something. When I go to game night, this is what I'm eating.

Panda Express or Subway or maybe Chipotle. That is just life as a board gamer. So as long as those things are within the postmates radius, you are set. You don't have to worry about restaurants. I love it. Okay. So now she is going to find him a place in Logan Square. And it's 450.

Oh, no, no. This place was 450. This new place in Logan Square is going to be more expensive. Yeah. Brian's moving out of the condo. He shared with his soon-to-be ex-wife Leanne, who says, quote, unquote, quote, can't happen soon enough. I hear you, sister.

Anyway, she's also his agent, because she just loves hurting herself. He wants something that's just as new and has three bedrooms, and she just wants to not look at his face. So this one's a two-bedroom, two-bath. And he's like, you couldn't find a three-bedroom? She's like, um, not in this area for new construction.

So I figured I'd, you know, just eliminate the room for things that you're terrible at. Music and board games. They have strict zoning laws in Logan Square, which is that you're not allowed to have a room dedicated to all the things that caused your wife to leave you. In this neighborhood, you're meant to constrain your mediocrity to one fewer bedroom. So, Brian's like, wow, 549, that's really at the top of what I want to pay, even though earlier in the episode I said 500 is my budget, but I'm willing to go to. a 550. It's like, I hate when people do that. Like, I'm willing to go up to this price. And then you say, okay, here it is at that price. Well, I don't want to pay that. Well, then don't say that you're

willing to go up there because you're not. And she's also doing a good job because I feel like most real jurors, you're like, okay, the very tippy top is 500. They're like, I found a place. It's a million point two. You're going to love it. Like, how does that make any sense? It's not even close. Yeah, later on, she finds a place that's $500,000 and $5,000. Like that weird 5,000, like, toe dipping over the line. I'm like, I don't know why that is there, but whatever. Yeah. So, Leanne's like, well, the reason why I brought Brian here was the location.

He really, he's really wanting to look in Logan Square, mainly because he wants to live in a town that shaped like a board game. So, there it is. So, yeah, this one's small. It's 1,200 square feet. And it's just a couch, basically. The couch takes all room. And she goes, yeah. Yeah, it's got a big couch.

You don't have a couch this big. And I don't know if she was saying, like, stop complaining. Your couch will look smaller in here. Or if she's shaming his couch. Like, I can't tell. Like, it's a little bit of a small couch lover. This is where he's like, is there any room for a board game table over there? And she's like, I mean, we just got here.

You're already looking for a board game table spot. And to which I say, welcome to the sickness of being a board game enthusiast because that is what our lives are like. We're like, hmm, where can we set up a board game? Oh, I like this hotel room. But also, there's zero room. She's like, oh, really? You want to play board games? Here's a room that can fit a couch and a stool.

I know. You can love it. You can play it on the Kitchen Island. Yeah. So, yeah, this is where he's like, putting it under the TV would be weird. Oh, that's weird. Not the 107 board games as a grown adult, you imbecile. Yeah.

So they go, these are also different colored cabinets up top than on the bottom. So she's right. It is super treas. He does like the appliances, though. And there's a tub in the guest bath. But he goes, somebody at the appliance company was listening to me when I said, I love dark Ray. And she goes, yeah, I'm sure that's what happened.

Divorce. Leaving him. So he goes under the guest bathroom. And he's like, oh, wow, the texture on this tile is very interesting. I've never felt this. And she goes, oh, my God, do you feel tile textures a lot? He goes, I do. When I'm in the shower, what else am I going to touch? And I was like, oh, you're really just, you're really just going to go there, aren't you? And then he changes. Then he pivots. He goes, the curtain, like the curtain? I'm definitely not masturbating all the time in the shower. Definitely not. I know. She's like, try the soap. We're acting like soap's new to you. Although I did notice we were out of conditioner literally every other day and you have very short hair. Hey, I'll tell the people at the appliance factory that you're on to soap these days.

I'm sure they'll be happy since apparently they listen to every single word you say. Yeah, she hates his guts. So then there is a closet for board games. And so he likes that. My size primary. And she's like, you know, I know we're short of bedroom, but you could always put your desk in the bedroom. And he's like, but then I have to make my bed. And she's like,

Um, yes, it's called being an adult, not someone who lives in the fantasy, fantasy land of scythe and Twilight Imperian. So, um, then they have to, uh, then they, then it turns out there's no garage, but there is a carport and like, that is like, one of his issues is that he doesn't want to have to dig his car out of the garage, out of the snow in the winter. Um, it's like, well, you're the one living in Chicago. That's not the snow's fault, nor is it the driveway's fault. And so then he, then there's like a double vanity. And he's like, well, I'm going to take this little corner, but I'll know that this side won't be taken up by all of your makeup. It's like, he's trying to like, he's trying to like do false equivalency of like her makeup and his board games. And

she's like, no, no, we're not going to do that. When does, where does she wear all this makeup to? Rayon camp. Because it's a ran camp. So she actually, her response is like, well, maybe some moisturizer. What? Where are you going to keep your moisturizer at his house? Well, since he's touching a washcloth these days, he's going to need something else to, you know, take care of his needs. So it's just, it's too small, it's too expensive, so he wants another place. So they go to house number three and Leon's like, hey, by the way, thanks for driving today.

It's just easier that way, because, you know, I don't need a back. seat driver the whole time when I'm driving. Yeah, I bet you thought that was a compliment in the beginning of the sentence. It turns out it was an insult. How about a front seat nagger, Leanne? So it's like, I do not backseat drive. She's like, yes, you do. So now they go to house number three. It's in Sullivan Square. It's three bedroom, two and a half path. Two thousand square feet. Yeah, and it's not new, but it is, this is the one that's $505,000. And it's very brick on the outside and there's no garage. And it already looks terrible, which means that you know this is the one he's going to choose. It's also built in 2004. This is not a man for a modern house. Okay,

this is someone who need, listen, he needs, he needs his house to match his fashion, 2004. Yeah, he needs to live in like the set of Mareviz Town. That's where I see him really thriving. Can I just say something about Chicago? Why would anybody pay $500,000 for a place with no parking? You can't have an uncovered parking. It's not like an option. I mean, Chicago, like he's talking about literally having to shovel his car out of the parking lot.

every day because that's how it works how do you live like that i was just out like i said at a cheer competition this week and we passed this pickup truck and you should have seen this pickup truck because it hails here so bad and last week there was a terrible terrible hail storm i videotaped it just so i could tell people listen to that hail because it's like boom boom boom boom boom boom it's just like ruining the homes around here this guy it looked like Bonnie and Clyde's truck it was just it looked like it had been riddled with bullets. It was just dense all over from getting hammered.

You can't live like that in these climates. Like, hide. Get the man a place to hide his car, please. This is my point. Also, you can tell that this is going to be the house that he chooses because he has like a fake criticism right off the bat, right off the bat

where it's like, this is not something that he's genuinely concerned about. He's like, wait a second. I don't like all these stairs right by the door. It's like, what? It's like a split level. Isn't this the one where he's like, and I'll have to dig out my car and you know I hate digging?

And she's like, yeah, but you know it turns me on. She has this like look about her because, you know, she loves coffin. So nothing is going to turn her on more than watching him dig, you know? Yeah, she's like, I know you hate digging. It's kind of like when we go on vacation and your deodorant falls at the bottom of the suitcase. I just, you just stink for seven days straight because you just don't want to dig for it. Just pretend it's a booger in traffic.

The only thing you'll dig for. So it's split level. So he's like, I don't like all these stairs that are right here because suddenly that matters to me. I know. You were just praising the two-floor walk-up. So the two-story walk-up. I know. With five different balconies on different levels.

It's like it's a lot of stairs. for Everly. I'm like, well, keep her in the basement. It's fine. That's like the playroom. God forbid, you help develop a child's glutes. You know, she is going to get older and learn how to do stairs okay. Like, it'll be okay. I think you're fucked either way. You can't say like you're so afraid for Everly and then be like, Everly, here's your backyard with stairs to the street and stairs to a roof. I know. Here's a staircase that's not even finished.

You can just climb until she thinks she's at the end of the staircase. And if she misjudges it, she just falls to her death. So have fun with that. So she's making a joke. She's like, oh, I'm going to. Oh, they go out to the balcony, and it's like all rusty and woody. And he's like, this is crap. I'm going to fall through this.

She goes, why are you jumping on it? If you're going to fall through it, you fucking moron? And he's like, well, if I die, you can have my life insurance. She's like, you have life insurance. Keep jumping. How much is your life insurance? I would have smothered you had I known that, fucking wasting a divorce money. Oh, man.

I had such a perfect chance when we're looking at that unfinished staircase at house number one. So then she's like, no, seriously, how much is it worth? Yeah. So they're looking, there's like the, you know, this nice big primary on the second floor and everything. But like, there's only one bedroom up there. So what are they going to do? And then they start heading down to the first floor. And she was like, you lead the way.

Just in case I fall, you're nice and soft. You can break my fall. He's like, I'd roll out of the way. Yeah. I don't think there's any space for that. We're going to roll too, Brian. I've seen you move. You're not that fast.

Yeah. And of course, he loves the basement. He's like, okay. Of course, he's like, perfect. I will live in a basement. Yeah. He goes, oh, good. Big high ceilings for my, for my movie space.

I was like, wait, where did the movie space come from? Now you need a movie room? Now you're a cinephile. Any way that he could just sit alone somewhere in the dark. I know. And so, like, there's two rooms downstairs. So one of them could be the primary. One could be for Everly.

And then one upstairs could be like a board game space. So it's like, this is the obvious choice here. And this place is also on budget. So Leanne says, you know, it's a little bittersweet if Brian stays in Logan Square and I'm not here. You know, there's just a lot of things we can remember doing together, like him showing up at a restaurant, me ducking under a table, pretending I'm not there so he doesn't sit down with me. So he's like, well, I don't like that there's not a covered patio. There's no garage. And she's like, well, you're going to need a better job.

You fucking loser. So now they have to think about it. And number one, he didn't like the location, but he did like the garage and the outdoor spaces. Number two was new construction and everything, but it was like at the top of his range. And there's like no space. It was just a sofa. It was basically like a sofa with a roof on it. And then he's like, I just really don't like it.

And she's like, do you not like it? Or is this just about your board games? He's like, it's about the board games. But then house number three, you know, there's that big space downstairs. That's good, it's like a good den area. It's also, by the way, a good place to have the game nights. And there's three bedrooms. But it wasn't super, I love that.

It's like, it wasn't super gray as if he can't actually paint anything. Right. Yeah, I mean, I knew he was going to pick number three because it had the least amount of taste involved. I was like, he's going to pick the ugliest place. You could just, you can just sense it. And he does. but he's going to have to dig his car out in the winter. She's like, oh, God, it's still hot.

She's still hot. He's never going to do that, by the way. He's going to say, he, I think, I believe he chose this house partially because this car will get snowed in. And he's going to be like, sorry, I'm not going to be able to drive Everly over to you. So you're going to have to come over here and pick her up. Sorry, Leanne. I guess I'll just stay in the basement.

And then he's going to be like, while you're here, movie night? It's going to be, damn it. You're the one who said you didn't want a backseat driver, so I guess you'll just have to come pick her up, won't you? And that brings us to the end of whatever this was. Wow, these two. House hunters. Very funny.

I was cracking up. It was a good episode. Thanks, Amanda, for recommending it. Yeah, good one. Now you all get an insight into the world of being a board gamer, which is that you plague everyone with the sheer number of boxes that you collect in what was supposed to be a communal living space. Yeah.

That look nice, though. And you've done a good job with yours. Yours look really good. Yeah. Yeah. I sort of have mine tucked away and everything. But I think every board gamer, at certain point, you're like, oh, shit. I'm running out of space.

And I know I can't ask for more for my loved ones. I've got to figure something out. Well, get an iPad. Yeah, exactly. Get a new hobby. All right, everybody. No. All right, everybody.

Thanks so much for being here with us. Our next Dwell Hello will be a live dwell hello at the Netflix is a joke comedy festival and to next week, next Friday night in L.A. So if you're around, come check it out. Tickets are over at watchworkcrapins.com. And we sure love you guys. Love you.

Bye, everyone.