Watch What Crappens - Dwell Hello #416: Mother-Daughter House Hunt

Episode Date: August 8, 2024

In Danbury CT, a mother and daughter look for the perfect house together, and of course they only want to pay three cents.  Will they find it? This is S141 E6 of House Hunters, and we watched it on Max.Find bonus episodes at patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens and follow us on Instagram @watchwhatcrappens @ronniekaram @benmandelker Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Well, hello, and welcome to Dwell. Hello, I'm Ben. That's Ronnie. You're here on Wondry Plus, and we are here to talk some house hunters. Hey, Ronnie, how's it going? Well, hello, little bonoony tunes. How's it going over there in New York City? It's great. I'm here in New York City. I visited my brother this weekend because he has his 50th birthday, and my brother lives in Connecticut, which is perfect because today's episode of Househunters concerns Dan very Connecticut, which is the next town over for my brother. Not to docks my brother or anything like that, but Danbury, Connecticut. And the episode is called daughter, mother, I'm sorry, mother daughter house hunt. You can find it on Max. You know what? I don't know it's funny.

I don't have the episode or the season. It literally doesn't even matter because it's different on every platform anyway. If you want to find it, just go on to Max and search in the search bar, mother daughter house hunt. and you'll see it. And the reason this one was not chosen, was not chosen by anyone who wrote in. Maybe someone did, but I actually chose this one.

And the reason why I chose it was I just was in the mood for a good old fashioned mother-daughter house hunters because I've discovered, I've decided that's just my favorite type of house hunters when there's a mother and a daughter. You love a mother-daughter thing. And I watched this and I was like,

fucking bad. I know that somebody didn't suggest it because it's another mother-daughter thing. I don't even know that you looked at the episode. I feel like you just opened the app. You came across something that said mother and daughter and you're like, that's it. Yep. We're doing it. It's a mother-and-daughter episode.

That's exactly what it was. And that's your real house. What's happening with you and mothers and daughters? Because it is your thing. What's going on there? It's just I like to tap into endless fonts of comedy. What was the last house hunters that we did? Do you remember?

It was international, I believe, right? The last house hunters? I'm not house hunters. Last well, hello we did. The last well hello we did was super fun, whatever it was. It was fucking crazy town. I don't remember what it is, but everyone can listen. I was just trying to remember if that one was mother-daughter also.

But I think you selected the last one. No, no. The last one wasn't mother-daughter. No, I kind of avoid the mother-daughter ones because we do a lot of them. But we also, like, we also love to do, like a crazy gay someplace, like a crazy, like a wacky gay that we can rag on. Though the last one was a mother, was mother daughter, actually. No. It was a mother, yes, it was.

It was, oh, if I remembered it was mother daughter last time, I wouldn't have done mother daughter dead. It was when she got the, the, the, um, bed and breakfast in like, um,ria. She's like, ooh, it was a mother's daughter. Yes. Okay, well, I apologize. That was a hardcore episode, too. we had the mom like fucking strangers and the i don't remember what it was but i remember it was very dirty that was literally one of our best episodes ever because we just painted such a big picture

like we created back stories like literally we had the the real backstory with his mom and he was caretaking his mother and then you had the daughter and then you had the the wife oh it was it was really one of our most richly um portrayed episodes yeah that was called head heart and homecoming in cumbria i looked it up and the one before that was a fan boy need to space in LA. Well, not before that, but a recent one. Because they don't show up in order for some reason. To not a Granada, a hipster couple moves to Spain. Oh, they were, that was a hilarious one.

I remember. Fertile versus Futile on the Sunshine Coast. Anyway, super fun doing this show. We love it. I don't know why we're waxing poetic. Like, we just want a Nobel Peace Prize and somebody deserves like an explanation of what. Inside the actors with you. how we did you well. Well, personally, when we came upon mother and daughter in Cumbria, we just saw a different road and we

chose to take that path hand in hand. And we did it. I don't regret a thing, man. There was magic there. There was magic. It was magic. Anyway, I believe in you and me. We're going to move from the highly scenic umbria or cumbria, whatever it was. Was it called Cumbria, umbragria? Comragriot.

Comragria. So now we are in Danbury, Connecticut. And can I just beg you, don't bury me there because I do not want to be buried in this Danbury, Connecticut place. This is the most depressing place we've seen in a long time. And these are those kinds of people who walk into basically a plastic shitbox and go, this is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. Where's the taste? Okay.

I need an international. Give me an international. I'm embarrassed for this country right now. Yeah. Sometimes I like to go back to house hunters and just get some good old shitty American homes going on on our show. And that's what I did. And so, yeah, we were here. We moved from like, in the last episode, every single scene we're like, this is gorgeous.

We'd be like making fun of the lady. We're like, and look at her. She wants an Airbnb. But to be fair, this is like gorgeous. Like, I definitely want to go there. Like, let's go there. Let's plan a trip. Danbury, you know.

Woof. It tries. I've been there. I've spent much time in Danbury. It tries. Yeah. It does it? Because it really looks like a very low effort place. It's, you know, like the downtown has some cute areas. There's a bar I used to go to. I don't know if it's still there called two boots. Even the bar sounds boring. Two boots. Like that's no fun. I mean, I want to hear like one boot. Like I lost my boot. You know, where's my boot? Now there's a bar. I went in high school, I went on a date to the Pizzeria Uno in the, in the Danbury Fair Mall. Didn't we all? You know, there's a, there's a romantic history for me in Denberry.

I didn't kiss the girl because it's disgusting. Yeah. That would have been his taste. This is the four mic of flora of this episode. I was like, so let's go shopping up with us. Linda's like, Adriana and her mother Barbara, of course her name is Barbara, are buying a home and moving in together. And Barb is like, we need to have just a little bit of separate. It was a little bit separate at the same time.

Like, you want to be in the same, but a little bit separate. By the way, please don't call me Barb. I feel like Barbara's one of those. My name's Barbara. Please don't call me Barb. Because you know the first person being, oh, hi, Barb. Please don't call me that. My name is Barbara.

I've earned the A-R-A at the end of my life. Oh, and you know that she really spells out every syllable of Barbara when she calls for restaurant reservation. Hello, this is Barbara Harris. I'm calling to make a reservation for 7 o'clock tonight. Says Barb Harris, please don't. No, it's Barbara. Barbara.

She has full reservation syllable syndrome. Barbara. The name? Okay, the first name is Barbara. B-A-R-B? No, there's more. A-R-A. Barbara.

Not raw. I'm not a stricant. Never claimed to be. Okay. She's earned. She's earned that. And I've earned the extra A in my name. Don't fuck with that, please.

I wouldn't say fuck. I would say mess. Don't mess with that, please. I'm Barb. Oh, Ra. Okay. Well, we need to be a little bit separate, me and my kid, Adriana, because basically a hater.

Look at her. But guess what? I raised a poor person. Poor raises poor. Rich mom. Rich mom, no. Poor dad, poor daughter. Okay.

That's us. So I'm going to need a tiny little place, maybe with a sheet going down the middle of a room. I don't know, but I don't want to look at the bitch. Okay. I loved all the A's in my name so much. I named my daughter, Adriana. Okay, that's three A's for you. But you know what?

I still gave her bad luck with that one D because look at her now, sharing a home with her mother. I gave her an extra A, and why does she give me in return? No career. Working at the Danbury Hospital, that's not a career. Okay? A career is something where you can support your mother and find a job. a whole other house on your house. And I don't see another house.

I get a wing at best. Maybe a basement. Maybe a corner. That's what I get. And I give you three A's. You're never going to win with that many A's. Two A's, it's alcoholics anonymous. Three A's, it's your car is broken down on the side of the road.

Like, I don't know what I was thinking. Four A's, you just had a dentist appointment. Ah. Oh. So, um, Adriano's like, yeah, I have to be separate from my mom. And Barbara's like, yeah, yeah, we do. I would rather be more separate. from Audrey. No, I have to be separate from my mom. No, you're more disgusting. No, you're more

discussing. You're poor. You're poorer. And they both have big lists of must-haves for the home as well. And then we see Barbara and Adriana, you know, going through the house and they're like this. I don't like this. I don't like this. Can they work together to find the perfect house for both of them? Absolutely not. I'm going to tell you this right now, Linda. This is Barbara. Excuse me, Linda. This is Barbara Harris calling. Hi. I feel like our names are generationally similar. I just wanted to get that. You know, I know a Linda. Are you Linda Bronstein?

No, I'm not. I don't give out my last name. Well, I hope not, because behind her back, we used to call a Linda Wrongsteen. She was always the worst at tennis. She would always invite us to tennis. And I said, why do you want to play tennis, Linda? You don't even know how to play. I don't know how to play.

Why do you want to play tennis? I want to try it. So we'd go. She'd play. The ball would go off the court into the road. And we're supposed to find it. I never liked Linda. I was like, oh, for Christ's sake.

What is this? Whiffleball? Has no one taught her how? All right. So we... I have a show to do. Sorry about your friend Linda, but I'm a different person. Okay.

Listen, take it from me. You're one of the least interesting couples that we've had on this show. Can we just get through this, Barb? It's Barbara. For fuck sake, Linda. Hold on one second. I just have to call my producer. Hi, can we just...

Destroy the phone line into my recording booth. I don't even know why we have this. Why do we have a landline into my recording booth? I'm sorry, but Barbara's just one of those types of people that can call anywhere. Hold on one second. My chair seems to have a ringing sound to it. Hello, this is Barbara Harris-Coling again. How did you call my chair?

Barb is that mom who can just get through to anybody? Did anybody see that in the sky right there? I'm calling NASA. That's it. You can't just call NASA. My asshole, you can't call NASA. Hello, NASA? This is Barbara.

NASA, this is Barbara. I'm calling because I saw an anomaly up in the space. Hold on one second. Adriana, not right now. I'm speaking to NASA. I'm sorry, my daughter. I'm sorry. That's my daughter.

We call her ASSA, which is kind of fun. She said she needs more space, which is funny, because I'm the one who's actually speaking to NASA. So they, Audriana's a terrible daughter because we find out that Barbara wants, Barbara needs the mother-in-law apartment. And Adjianna's like, but I like this mom. She's just, there's no kitchen.

But you can put a camping stove right there. She's like, are you kidding me? You get this nice, big, beautiful kitchen upstairs and you want me to have a camping stove in a basement? And that's when I said we're doing this episode. And Audiana just nods at her. Like, oh, Jesus Christ, you're almost dead, mother. The displaced mother in the basement with the camping stove,

I was like, this is going to be good. I have to watch this. So the music starts. And now we have Barb and Adriana heading into a coffee shop in downtown, Danbury, Connecticut. My name is Adriana. I'm a clinical informatics associate, and I train and support the clinical staff for the medical group within our local. She restocks the vending machines. I'll say it, America.

You have to be honest. We're on television. And my name is Barbara. I'm in sales for an optical distributor who works with the visually impaired. She's waiting for responses on JobMonkey. Set jobs like called. No, I work with the visually impaired, including the person who recommended this sweater to you. I'm also trying.

So I was taking a sip of Topo Chico. Sorry, you're drinking Topo Chico. Yeah, you know, I was, I am also trying to help out a romantically impaired person. Adriana, I'm on the phone. Please get off of my leg. We'll get to her. My mother. I'm on my leg.

She's really romantically impaired. So Adriana's like, my mother's a wonderful woman. She is one of the most generous people I know. And I don't know many people is what I'm trying to say. Babadum, I hate her. I hate my mother. I mean, I would assume she's generous. She doesn't really have a lot.

When she's going to, when she dies, I'm buying the dirt. Let's put it that way, right, mom? But, you know, she is nice somewhat. I don't really understand a job title, but she is my mother. And then we see them walking around the lake, Barb, Adriana, and Adriana's daughter Elena. And Adriana's like, oh my God, I'm so glad the sun came out. Look how beautiful it is. Well, I mean, the sun.

I mean, what, you want to get skin cancer? That's beautiful to you? I'd rather be indoors. I wish a sun came out. Oh, I'm sorry. Too soon. That time you saw sunlight once in a while. Mom, doesn't this remind you of how much you love camping and camping stoves and things like that?

I never said it like that kind of stuff. What are you trying to say about me? And they're also with Elena, who's Adriana's daughter, also a lot of A's in her name as well, three A's in her name as well. It's like a 3A theme. B, A, R, B-A-R-B-A-R-B-A-R-A. That's three A's. Adriana is three A's, and Elena is three A's.

They're all three A's. I didn't realize that. That's crazy. Who does that as a theme? These people do. These deranged motherfuckers. I want to be like the Kardashians, but three. Okay, so KKK?

No, that's probably a bit much. We already live in Danbury. Let's just start with the first letter. I just put it in throughout the name, just sort of scatter it throughout the name. So Adrienne was like, so I'm a single mother and my mom helps me out a lot with my daughter, which is a huge help,

except for when she gets my daughter banned from salons, and she can't get her haircut anywhere. Well, it's not my fault. I called up. I said, hello, this is Barbara Harris. I'd like to speak with the person who cut my daughters here this length. It's unacceptable. It's not right.

I'm going to call the Better Business Bureau. We would do anything for one another. If she needed me, I would be there in a heartbeat. Even though my heart doesn't beat very regularly, the doctor said. I could go at any minute. Mom, don't talk like that. Even though I don't have many heartbeats left and she wants to put me in the basement. But that's fine.

That's fine. I'm her mother. I'll take it. I'll be there in a heartbeat. Well, or at least as long as it takes me to climb up the basement steps, hoping that there are no puddles on them due to recent rains, but I could possibly slip down and break my neck. I'll be there on a hotbeat,

because words that she never heard on a dating app. My daughter, she tries. So Barbara and Adriana, yeah, have been living in separate rental homes in Danbury, Connecticut for the past six years. And now they've decided, to pool their resources and buy a home together. Well, we both are paying rent. I mean, why are we making someone else rich?

Am I right? I mean, here I thought about 20 years ago my daughter would be supporting me, but that's fine. Let's make someone else. Let's make, let's make Samuel Bronstein down the street wealthy so I can take his wife Linda out. They could throw tennis balls out of the road.

His bitch wife Linda. Lord knows. She needs some more money. Yeah, but build that wiffleball court she's been wanting so bad. With a budget of $360,000, they hope to stay in their current town. Is your current town a cardboard box in front of a target? $360,000 ain't getting you shit. I'm telling you that right now, especially in Connecticut.

Isn't Connecticut fancy? I know, $360,000. Hello, Linda. This is Barbara Harris. I'm calling. I would prefer it if you would keep our financials off of television. It's a private affair. Thank you very much.

I'm sorry, ma'am. This is still NASA. Well. Same principles. All right. Back in the coffee shop. So, Adriana, oh my God, I cringed a little despite the new. She goes, you know, there's a lot of diversity in Danbury.

We have so many different cultures. So many different foods, you can get Peruvian, faux-Vietnam. But you know what you can't get? You can't get a good pastramian rye. Why is it so hard? And so, yeah, I love pho-fio. Fof-I-N-O-Vietnam. I mean.

Oh, God, I love going out and doing some faux-Vietnam. Yeah, delicious. Yeah, it's very diverse. but at the same time you get a small town feel. It's not that diverse big town feel. You know what I mean? Scary, you know. You don't have to cover your purse as much here.

You can walk into that faux Vietnam footloose and fancy free. No one's going to attack you. Literally foot loose because dancing is illegal here. Or at least that's what I tell, Audriana. Hold on one second. Hello, is this the mayor's office? This is proper high school. I'd like to report a dancer on Main Street.

What do you mean? It's still not illegal. Listen, don't tell my daughter that because she still hasn't been asked to one. They were doing the Charleston, which really wounds the brand of Danbury. Can we create a dance? If they're going to dance, can we create a dance called the Danbury? Thank you very much. Listen, it's very diverse, okay?

And we consider the surrounding towns if we can't find anything in Danbury. You know, our biggest challenge, we're really looking for something very, very specific. We need separate living spaces here. They call them in-law suites. Now, listen, I just want to keep calling at that because I think it's the only way that my daughter's ever going to have that word in her life. Arjuna is like, but we have to be separate. Okay? I cannot hear this woman's voice in my head 24 hours a day.

Yeah, yeah. Well, you know, look, I know some in-law suites are like studio apartments. That's what I hear. But listen here, I definitely want a bedroom. Okay, I want a bathroom. And my own kitchen is a must. And let me tell you, I don't want a kitchen that only speak Spanish because this is America. And I'm for diversity, but not in my own basement kitchen.

Do you understand? I've recently researched many faux-Vietnam recipes, and I've learned that I'm going to need a full kitchen in order to see them through. I'm not going up to Adriana's kitchen. with the three letters, her three letters and bad cleaning skills. So they are looking through houses on an iPad, and Adriana's like, oh, my God, look at the kitchen. It has a backslash. It's so updated. And we see a picture of it.

It is not updated. I don't know. I don't know where these people are currently living, but I'm worried. They don't have a grasp on reality. Okay. They want to buy a place for $360,000 in Connecticut, and here's what they want. Two houses for one. Here's what we want.

Okay, Adriana wants a five-bedroom house with an updated modern kitchen and a backyard and a terrace. And I want the same thing but downstairs. What's so hard? So Audraana's like, I'd really love an updated kitchen, granite countertops. Oh my God, I must have a dishwasher. Yeah, normally people would say, hey, I have a dishwasher. and they pointed to her husband. Unfortunately, Adriana, let me look at her.

I'm sorry, did I cut you off? Go ahead, honey. A dish. What do you call a machine that makes a dish cry? Dish crier. What do you call a machine that makes the dishes get up and walk out of the room? Because that's definitely the kind that my daughter attracts. Here's what I would like in my basement suite.

I would love an updated kitchen because he wouldn't love that. Lighting is number one for me, okay? Because this skin needs to be seen, and I don't want to be seen by sun. I want good natural light that's not the sun. And if there were not a lot of natural light in the living area, I mean, that's going to be a deal with deal breaker for me. So here's what I want, a basement with a lot of natural light. Thank you. A basement with glass walls.

Not surrounded by dark. And then they see another house. And Adrienne is like, oh, my God, I love this deck. That would be so. nice for entertaining. Oh, yeah, you know, I love, I would love to understand what the concept of entertaining is because it's definitely not coming from your jokes. Well, it would definitely be the first time anyone left you and said, wow, I was entertained. You know, that deck, how pretty, and look at the view. And then you look at the view,

and it's a backyard, you know, it's just like, and Adriana's like, I just need a nice back deck or front porch where I can entertain. God, I want to entertain so bad. I'd really of a home with a beautiful yard. An acre of land would be ideal. And maybe stage anywhere to entertain. Does a microphone come with this backyard? Who's going to mow that acre of land, your daughter? No, I don't think so.

You know how hard Linda Bronstein had to find, you know, it longer took for her to find someone to mow her lawn? No one's going to want mow lawn. So, Adriana's like, we'll figure it out later, mother! But, okay, I would like a Cape Cod style home or a craftsman style, because I love architecture. architectural designs, you know, all the intricate woodworking.

When you see what she really likes, this is hilarious. I think she's just heard words and is repeating them. Yeah, you know what? I love non-architectural designs. Of course, you want an architectural design. So Barbara goes, you know what? She loves a home. Oh, I love this.

By the way, this little part here made me so happy. It was like, I think we've been waiting for someone to say this. She goes, you know, she loves all these little details that craft in houses have. You know, to me, that just reminds me, childhood of all those old details we used to have in the houses. I like a more clean look. She's like, who wants to think about their childhood? You know what we used to have when I was growing up, artistry. I mean, getting a staircase put in would take months. Who needs it? You know? I don't want any of that. Make it and plastic, you know, tie some milk crates together. That's all I

fucking need. I want, I did want some of a clean look, okay? I want something that's named that to her favorite salad dressing. Ranch. Low calorie, though, because we're sharing it. Yeah. I think, you know, it's called Hidden Valley Ranch, but I think this one over here found the hidden one. They should just rename it.

Audriana found it. Finding Valley Ranch. That's my daughter. I put that in your vending machine. So she's like, okay, if I had to say who's the more stubborn of the two of us, it would definitely be me. And Adriana goes, no, it would definitely be me. It would be me. It would be me, mother. I thought they pointed at each other and said it would be her. They said me. Oh, I don't know. I would make more sense that the other is more stubborn.

So Barb's like, Audrianna, you know what? I'm sorry, but I'm your mother, so I'm correct. Wow. Well, today their agent Corey has a permanent saliva. bubble in the throat and he's showing Adriana and Barbara a home just outside of Danbury in Bethel, Connecticut. Today, their realtor, Corey, takes a break from snorting Benzos to drive them around.

Norton knows how he's even walking at this point. I mean, this guy shows up. He's like the actress from um, um, he's like, he's like the actress from that teenage show on HBO where they're like, oh, teenagers are bad and do drugs and have

Sex. What's that show called? Oh, Euphoria. Euphoria, the girl who has kind of like dead eyes. Hmm. Do you know what actress I'm talking about? She, that producer, that older producer lady got in trouble for saying, what is with that actress? Like, she's not even talented. She's not even pretty. Like, what's up with that girl getting all these roles? Which I really like the actress, but I think that was horrible of that producer. Oh, God, now I have to look it up because I'm confusing the entire audience. and we have to know this girl's name. Oh, Sidney Sweeney.

Oh, Sydney Sweeney. He's like a very suburban, generic Connecticut male version of Sidney-Sweeney. That's how she's called. He has Sidney-Sweeney-Ey-S-you-now. When Sidney-Sweeney-Ey's just like, I feel nothing. She's giving that luck.

He's got Sidney-Ey eyes. Yeah. He'll confuse you. He'll abuse you. if it's my daughter she'll lose you i'm sorry sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i inserted you into sydney's sweeney eyes that was for the real hello hello linda this is barbara harris calling i'm just calling i don't think it's really anyone's business what city we're looking in at this moment so i would appreciate it going forward you wouldn't tell people watching if we're in bethel or damboe or

anywhere it's very unsafe and there are a lot of sickos out there linda i don't want to call you a bitch because i don't want to curse at you, but I will say this. If you fuck with my privacy one more time, I'm calling the HIPAA police. I'm sorry, this is NASA. You've reached the wrong number. Today, Dead Eyes, Corey, is showing Adriana Barber the home outside of

Danbury in Bethel, Connecticut, specifically 32. 17. You fucking bitch. So Corey's like, so the home I'm showing you today isn't in Danbury, but it's 10 minutes from the city center. It's so difficult to find a home within in-law suite. Well, especially I don't know.

I'm going to normally like Denver, Connecticut, because it's just not a lot of inventory here. So they go to this place. House number one is 329,000, so below budge. And it's a southern hundred square plus. on an upper level, but it's like 500 square feet on the lower level. It's like a nice property. It's just five half an acre. And Barbara's like, it's a ranch.

You know that's my favorite. And Andreana's like, yeah, I love it. She's just, we know, honey, we know. You can't drink this house. Okay, calm down. So is this a rant because this is a two-story home. That's not a ranch. Isn't a one-story home?

You know, that's what I always thought, but I think these are, it's a split-level ranch, I think. believe it or not, I do think this is considered a ranch. I always thought ranches were one level, but I think, let me look, let me look, you know what, hello, I'd like to find out. What's the definition of a ranch home? What's a one-story house? Ranch-style houses are typically single-story structures, which means they don't have multiple four.

Well, that says typically, which leaves it open because I think later in this episode, they start calling it an upper ranch. Yeah, like the split level. home has a name. It has a name. I think it's just called a split level. Just like a classic suburban split level home. These are all over Connecticut. I can tell you, has someone who's been there, I can tell you someone who like went there after prom. As someone who's like literally there like yesterday, I can say like I, by the way, I did go to an after prom party around this area. It's really funny that you said that.

I'm sure. Didn't you just say you went there to Uno after prom or something? No, I said I went to a date. I went to a date at Pizza at Uno. Oh, Petriette. A girl named Alex. Um, okay, so, um, they're going to see this not ranch house that they're calling a ranch. And it is hideous.

They walk in. I was like, oh, ouch. Wow, they're getting fucked with this one. And they both go, whoa, this is so pretty. And Adriana's like, love the kitchen. Oh my God, the cabinets, they are so nice. I love how they have a window. There's a window in a kitchen, a kitchen with a window.

Oh, gosh, you know that's my favorite. Like, ugh, it's so updated. It's updated and modern, just what you want. It's like brown granite with like a tin sink in it. You know what, Adriana, you should be friends with this house. That way you finally have a pretty friend. This is just gorgeous. This would be great for you.

and Alleyena. Okay. Alayana. Actually, she's got four. Wait, Alayana. No, I think that was just a typo for Elena there. I just,

you know, sometimes we add an extra A just to make her feel hurt. You know, Gen Zee, these days. So, Barbara's like, oh my God,

it's just enough, but not too much, right? And it's so open. So that's really nice. You know, I hate, like back in the old days, they used to spend all this money

on putting walls and homes. I mean, disgusting. The houses used to have character who needs it so then they go out to the back deck and like look this is beautiful and it's just like trees like yeah this is nice this is nice because i just love this deck i can't wait to invite all my friends over oh by the way um uh realtor person corey do you know if this house is haunted because i think that like maybe audriana could use some ghost friends to fill out this deck because i don't know

who else is coming over we've been watching the show on cbs and it's my new goal for her i mean for her to be able to have a friend that can't leave. I was like, it's great because now she can finally have a friend instead of always using that in terms of her dating, getting ghosted. Audrey, my granddaughter taught me about that word.

I'm trying to twang it out. I mean, listen, if you know somebody else who finds it impossible to actually turn a doorknob, I'm open. I'm all he is. They look. They really like this. And then there's also a don't.

a deck downstairs. So everything is good. Everything is going well. And then there's some guest bedrooms and everything. So then they go into the master bedroom. And Adriana's like, okay, well, it's a little oddly shaped, but I think it's definitely doable. Is there a bathroom here?

Because that would be awesome. It's tiny. It's like a little tiny closet. What is this a closet or a bathroom? And I think they're right. I think it is a closet. This is with a bathroom. Now, listen, I know we're supposed to be diverse. This is a faux Vietnam bathroom or what? This is the tiniest bathroom that I've seen in a very long time.

I feel like I need to call someone. I just don't know who to call about this. So Audraana's like, oh my God, this is like an airplane bathroom. I'm pooping in here immediately. I'm sorry, it's the thing I do. Anything she got pregnant. So, Corey's like, Corrie's

Oh, God. Again, there's no doorknob to turn. I'm telling you, it's her thing. It's so, is that Cory. And Corey's like, oh, this is the only bath in the house, full bath in the house. And they both like, only, only one in the house? And Barbara goes, what, I can't come up to use her shower?

What are you kidding me? What am I supposed to move from a campfire stove? Go up the stairs to a shower. What am I a mountain woman? I love that Corey does not even try. Corey's just like, I can't find a split level and like, you have one bathroom and it's a sink. Yeah, that situation was terrible. So then they go, they see the other, the full bath.

And Andreana's like, I do like it. I like the white wood cabin. It's very nice. And Barbara's like, it's. cute. It's cute, but, um, you know, I think I would have better luck finding you a date for Friday night than enjoying taking a dump in this thing. And it is not cute, by the way. So then they are no, are our note writers today, Colleen wrote, Barb pulls back the shower curtain to reveal the tub from saw. Yep, that's it. That was it, Colleen. Yep, that was it. The bathroom is like, okay. And then they do

this and Barbara, that's not cute. This looks like your online dating profile right here. Not cute. I'm sorry. Yeah, it's like your Yelp reviews. This is horrible. We have to look at this. Hey, do you have some, do you have some, do you have some,

bottle of ranch? We just pour it on that thing. We don't have to look at it. Oh, terrible. Listen, dead-eyed Sydney Sweeney. I'm going to just tell you one thing. This is horrible. I'm going to tell you the same thing I told

Adriana's ear, nose, and throat doctor. Maybe you could resurface it. they told me that they don't do faces there you know what you got to try or maybe you could maybe we could just think about it the way Adriana talks about butter maybe get a whole new tub what's wrong with us these people are so nice we've done nothing to us okay so now we go We're just leaning into tropes of overbearing mothers.

It's always the same thing. We really have issues with our mothers. This is what we turn to every mother and daughter situation into. So, okay, so now they go see Barbara's face downstairs. And Barbara goes, huh, Corey, is this it? Corey? Corey, are you okay? Oh, my God.

Corey's having a stroke. Somebody get a doctor in here. Corey's foaming at the mouth and his eyes are drifting out. I'm here. Oh. Sorry, it's just, it's Corey's resting stroke face. I guess. All right, Corey.

Brother goes, well, this is nice down here, but it's just one room, right? So, yeah, there's one room. Yeah, well, you know what? You know, it's light. I like that it's light, but then these two, there's poles.

There's poles in the middle of my suite. I don't want to have a reminder of Adriana's first job right here. Now, there's two jobs that Adriana couldn't keep. Oh, God, bless her. What I'm talking about? at track and field. Pull ball thing.

Get to that. I had out the gutter, Corey. She almost made it over, but her Fupa made it, made her lose a point at the top of that pole there. It was just like the Olympics. Which we all know. Fupa stands for famous under...

Pussy ass. Mom, you don't have to try to smit it over every time you insult me like that. I was trying to help. So you've seen that video, right? Of the Olympics guy ruining his Olympic struggles. I sure did. He was too big.

Oh, my God. Sorry, sorry, back to big dick privilege. Sorry, back to just being handed everything else in life because you got a big one. Poor guy. So then, yeah, Audraana is like, well, this place, this room really has a lot of charm to it. Chalm? Chalm, since when did you know anything about charm? Okay.

Have you seen your flat ends? Come on. It's not even a fake. Flat ends. I didn't know what it was. I thought it was like something wrong with her hair. She's got flat ends. I love it.

I would tell her to get her flat ends fixed, but unfortunately, but ban for every salon in town. He's the fucking flat ends. Corey's like, keep in mind, we're $30,000 under budget. So there's room where you can maybe, like, put in things that you would need, like a kitchen and a bath. and an outdoor area and a swimming pool and a bathroom and a kitchen

and a closet area I can see that $30,000 is going down real quickly yeah so obviously the basement needs work

to accommodate your needs so she says well guess what this space as it is does not meet my needs so if you'll excuse me flip open the phone bleep bleep bleep bleep

This home does not fit my needs. Ma'am, this is a dominoes. Get the manager on the phone. This is Barbara Harris. Barbara Harris. Get me faux Vietnam on the phone right now. If you're, I just had a thought. Hello, this is Barbara Harris, one of your customers.

I just had a thought. If you're thinking about opening up a new franchise, the basement of this house would be a great opportunity for you because I'm sure as hell no one's going to live in it. Thank you so much. You hope the great diverse work. So diverse. We're so diverse here.

They ask number one for English, number two for a language no one here even speaks. So what are you going to pick? I press three every time just to see where they're going to send me. So Corey finds them a home with a space that Barbara wants. But there's a catch. It's listed over budget at $370 million. Oh.

I'm sorry. I took a moment to listen to that because there's a catch. Yet another phrase, my daughter's never heard on a dating app. So now they're in a coffee shop and Barbara and Adriana are talking it over. And they're like, I'm exhausted. And she's like, okay, honey, let's sit down and talk this over. Mother and daughter, Barbara and Adriana are looking to pool their resources to see if they can afford another vow for their names. But it has to suit both of their needs. Maybe difficult to find. and their cheap-ass poor person budget. Listen, Audriana, don't get discouraged. No, I know. There's a house out there for us.

No, I meant about your flat ends. You'll get someone to fix them. But listen, we need something very specific. It's not easy to find, okay? A basement that's not underground, et cetera, et cetera. Well, they've seen a ranch-style home that came in under budget. In the neighboring town of Bethel, it had an upgraded kitchen, a large yard that Adriana wants,

but it only had one full bath on the in-law suite needed to work to meet Barbara's needs. Barbara was quoted as saying, I've already been burdened with one disappointment in my life, and I'm living with her. Do I have to live with another? So their agent has lined up another home

that he can drool all over in the space if they want. Let's hope there are paper towels left behind. There's seven. Hopefully it's made of good construction so he doesn't mouth breathe it over. Like the big bad wolf. Okay, so I think you're really going to like this one. It has a lot of features you're looking for.

Oh, my God. Things that I've been paying men to tell my daughter. This one's coming in a little over budget with a list price of $370,000. Oh, wow, Corey. That's a lot. Look, it's ranch. Sorry, sorry, I got you excited there.

I meant to say, it's a ranch. I just wanted to watch Adriana lick the walls again. Makes me laugh every time. Who says she's not entertaining? Adriana's like, well, it's nice, but I don't know about ranch. I mean, it's not my craftsman.

Well, I mean, you wanting any sort of a man that's quite big, a big ass if you ask to it. Listen, she wants to look at crafts. She wants to look at ranch. I mean, next, just sent her to a chocolate cake. You know what you know. Please, if the nice house is made of mac and cheese, she'll be happy.

Do you have a house made of Helmonds? Okay, do you have the Helmand style that we can go to? Can you just stack a bunch of deli turkey up to make a wall? So they go inside. And this one's kind of cute, I think. It's a big stone fireplace. It's kind of 50s and groovy. And they like it.

But Corey goes, that's not actually a fire. because the owners had a wood-burning stove insert in there. What about the lack of a chimney and the lack of a fireplace makes them think that it would be anything other than not a fireplace? It's just like a stone thing. And he's like, guys, it's not actually a fireplace. I was like, yeah, no shit Sherlock.

There's nothing about it that looks like a fireplace. Well, this is nice, but the color of the cabinets and those floors, well, there wood cabinets, which I, you know, I mean, I guess that's subjective, but. I just don't understand why I'm supposed to believe her taste because she has shown none so far. I'm like, why do you not like those, but then you love the cabinets than one before? They were like, Formica, weird, stained cabinets. Yeah, I don't know.

Like, the last house she really liked it, and that was but ugly. This one, this one has actually a pretty good layout, even though it's definitely old. And, you know, apparently it was built in 1978. Well, Barbara's like, what year was this house built again? Hello, Corey, this is Barbara Harris. or you was this house built again. This house was built in 1978. Oh, my God.

The last time I had hoped that my daughter was going to date. So let me tell you, that wall stove looks like it's from 1978. I'm sorry, I said it. Guess what? That's Barbara. You just got Barbara. Sometimes you've got to say the real truth. Okay.

And that's the truth about that stove. You just got Barbara. So they look at the back deck and like, oh, my God, look at this deck. It's beautiful. Look at the view. It's a tree. This is insane. Yeah, well, you're on an acre and a half of land.

But it gives you like a nice buffer back here in the woods because between you and any neighboring property, oh, good. That way when my daughter has parties of negative five people, the noise won't overwhelm the neighbors. Thank you. So basically, I don't want to keep anybody up from the knitting needles clinking against each other. Hopefully the sound of Adriana sweeping an empty patio won't keep anyone awake. Hadrianah, just please don't clean out the kitty litter in the middle of the night. Unfortunately, at 2 a.m., she sometimes walks out there while she's sleeping and does stomp. So it could be a real problem with the nearest.

So they look through the house. There's little tiny bedrooms, and the master bedroom is this little alcove. It's not great. And there is a bathroom. I thought it was already. It just has an alcove, but it wasn't, it wasn't an alcove. I thought it was a bedroom. Okay.

I was like, yeah, alcove bedroom, gross. But now it sounds nice. By the way, I watched this five minutes ago, and I'm already. It's scrubbed it from my brain. It was an alcove. It's disgusting. So they kind of like it. And then across the house is the in-law suite.

And Corey's like, well, you have your own kitchen here. And she goes, yeah, my own kitchen. And she goes, well, what's wrong with it, mom? And she's like, you know, it's a little, oh, God, it's just something you'll never. a bee, honey. It's just a little dated. And it just reminds me of a 1950s kitchen, you know, with a little fruits there on the tiles. I mean, what is Corey pasting himself all over my kitchen? No offense, Corey.

Corey, are these your selfies? These would have been your selfies before cell phones. We used to just represent ourselves with fruit. Listen, Corey, we were accepting here and we love the diversity you bring to this community. But you're no banana. You know what I mean? Now she's homophobic. She just keeps up.

Well, she said everybody makes themselves a fruit. She's like, take it from the pan. You know what? Okay. You know what? I hate this kind of countertop. Can I talk about something? Okay, this countertop, I don't like this.

Okay, this would have to go right away. You know, okay, first thing that goes, my daughter, I'm kicking around. I already don't have you wanted here. This whole place is mine. And I don't want this countertop either. And this is nice. So, I mean, what am I going to do this? It's like, Mom, stop.

at Corey when you say that. You shouldn't be here. I just need to cover this in some way. Corey, could you help me take up this countertop and we're going to cover you with it? Just stand behind the countertop. Adriana, can you find a top somewhere? There's also one of the skills. So then there's like a utility wall with the cable box, you know, electricity box.

And Barbara goes, what am I supposed to do with this? She's acting like there's like a dead body in there. Out of all they've seen, this is the easiest thing to cover up. She's like, oh, an electricity box? What am I supposed to do with this? I've got three A's in my name. And they're like, well, you can easily cover that up. She goes, oh, yeah, yeah, cover it up.

Fix it, fix it, fix it here, fix it there. I don't know. I just keep seeing dollar signs. Hello, Con Edison. This is Barbara Harris calling them one of your customers. It's come to my attention that there are three separate electrical boxes in my bedroom. This is both a health hazard and a visual disgust to me. I would like you to remove these right away.

And if you cannot do this, I am happy to escalate this up to the mayor's office. Thank you so much, Barbara Harris. That's B-A-B-A-R, B-A-R-B-A-Harris. Thank you. I'm just warning. If you don't answer me, we're going to dance. Not literally, because I'm getting the mayor to outlaw that. Hold on one second.

Hello, this is Barbara Harris. in my anger, I put an extra B-A-R-B-A-R-B-A-A. My name is not Bar-B-B-A-B-A. It was an audio typo, and I apologize. Correct. B-A-R, B-A-R, B-A. Mom, get off the phone. I'm sorry.

I've got to go. My genetic typos talking to me now. I'll call you back. Sometimes I go to the library. I get very excited because I see a book that's called Babar. And I say, no, that's not how you spell your name. It's tricky. It's a tricky name.

So they keep looking. They hate the carpeting. And this house gets kind of gross. There's like pee stains on one. And Barbara's like, oh, my God, look at that. What did a dog peeve there? And Audreonna goes, yeah, it is pretty gross. And Corey's like, okay, so why don't we take a look at the bathroom then?

And they go to the bedroom. And Barbara goes, only one window. She's just outraged that she does not have this like luxury in law suite. But that has a piece name in it. Yeah. And Barbara's like, I need light. So Barbara's like, well, there's no bathtub, but this would definitely work for me. Corey, let's try it.

Get in. Let's take it for a spin call. Oh, look, he just crashed into a wall again. Okay, Adriana, take the sheet off of Corey. So they kind of like this place and Audriano's like, oh my God, and there was a deck and I can entertain there. I'm really looking to entertain. Really, really looking forward to it. So now their agent has found them a home in need of fewer updates, but there's still an issue, mainly that these two are going to live in it.

Who do you feel more sorry for? These two are the house. So we go back to this coffee shop and the way. brings in their food and Barbara, Barbara's like, thank you so much. And I'll try, I was like, oh, this looks really good because I know you're starving, right? By the way, this did not look good. It was like a gray wrap. There was no color.

Like the wrap was the same color as the toothpicks that were the same color as the chips that were the same color as the plate. I mean, it was hideous. And yeah, the mom's like, you're starving, right? She says, I am. She says, me too, which is why I'm only drinking coffee. You know what? You can lead a horse to water.

Barbara and her daughter, Adriana, have a $360,000 budget, which will not afford any of the houses that they really want to get. So they're going to look at their target area of Danbury, Connecticut. And today we get Elena, the daughter with three A's, tagging along. Today we're looking at a four-bed, three-beth house, about 1,500 school. Mom, why does this guy sound like he's gurgling? It's just how he is, Elena. Just ignore him, all right?

It's people without three vowels in their name. They're weird. So, Corey's like, this is a Cape Cod style home. Unfortunately, I think you're looking at Adriana's potato chips. Oh, yeah. Mom. You stop talking about my daughter's style like that. I'm sorry.

I thought you were talking about a draper. Okay, go ahead. Go ahead, Corey. Oh, Corey, what is that noise? What is that generic noise that I've never heard before in my life? Never heard it in my life? What is that unique noise, Corey? Oh, man, is there an alien invasion happening right here in Danbury, Connecticut? This is awful, Corey. What is that noise? Can we get that redhead with a squinty eyes and the depressing show on HBO called Sharp Objects to come talk to these people to decipher this crazy noise for us?

Hold on NASA's been on hold for three days. Hey NASA, guess what? We found the alien invasion. This is Barbara Harris. It's happening at a house in Danbury. There's an unidentified noise. It's very scary. Please send donations over here right away.

Barb, Barbara. They just switch code. Damn it. I'm trying to help Barbara, but she keeps hanging up. If Barbara calls back to NASA, please keep her on the phone, no matter what you do. She finally got NASA interested. Gotta go NASA.

We're going to figure this mystery out. Corey's like, it's traffic. It's the highway. I love, she's like never heard highway noise before. What is that noise? Like they didn't just literally come off the highway

to come see this house. What is this noise? This is insanity. It's also. like white noise. She's like, ugh, the piercing sound of the highway. Oh, white noise. Listen, what are we in Danbury? I could use some diverse

noise. Yeah, we're very close to the highway. And now listen to it. Oh, sorry, that was me. That one was me. So they look at this house. This house is like fine, I guess.

This one's the new one, right? This was a foreclosure. And they came in and refixed it, which means it's just basically coated in, you know, formica and plastic, slapped some new paint on and stuff like that. And they're like, this is beautiful. I think I'm going to like it here. They love it. And Barbara's like, you know, I was worried when you said foreclosure, but they did a nice job and it's an open concept here. The windows are beautifully done. Listen, I've heard the word before. It's usually what I say to the men that leave my daughter. I say, please just come to dinner. They say, why? I say, for closure. Please.

Just explain why, so I don't have to keep coming up with excuses. I'll serve my best lean cuisine. So, course, I'll also go to the kitchen. So they look, and Audrian is like, wow, look at this. All new appliances, and they're newly updated? I'd love the dark cabinets. Mother, you won't take this away from me, will you? I mean, it's just an, it's an unrealistic dream, Audrian, as usual.

Give a girl three A's and she dreams of having the world. Give it a penis a job. It'll officially be too unattainable for you. Corey, what else? He's like, well, this one has a Jack and a Jill bathroom, which, you know, you share that with a fourth bedroom. And Arjana goes, oh, well, that's kind of weird, right, Mom? That is a little bit odd. I mean, that someone else would be living in this.

This is Jill. Listen, we can be the Jills, but I think we've all given up the whole. hope of ever there being a jack in this house. Hold on one second. I have a phone call to make. Hello, Linda Bronstein, this is Barbara Harris. It's come to my attention that your daughter, Jill, has recently been squatting in our future house. This is unacceptable behavior. She needs to get a job, and she needs to get it soon. Okay?

I'm sorry, is that the freeway here behind you? I'm just going to finish up this tennis ball. Are you in Samuel playing tennis again? I'm trying to have a serious conversation with you about Well, she's being out of bounds, I'm going to get it Well, she's being unresponsive, I don't know what to do I think Jill is totally irresponsible And let me tell you something

Ever since she came back from Vassar She's been a burden to all of us, let's be honest It takes a village, but it all... Wait a minute, are we in Linda's neighborhood? What on earth is that noise? Has Linda been abducted by aliens? Hold on, let's see. It's coolness.

We have to let them know that Linda Bronson's been abducted. Okay, so they check out the basement. It's really sad. It's like, it's really, really sad down here. And she's like, this is where there's no kitchenette down there. There's no bedroom down there. And she goes, what do you mean? It's perfect.

You could put a little camping stove, mom. Like, seriously? On that shelf. Barbara's like angry now. Barbara's like, are you serious? You have the big, beautiful, renovated kitchen upstairs, and you want me to have a camping stove down here? That's just not quite enough space down here for me, Adriana.

And she's like, well, I love the house. I mean, there's so many updates, and the kitchen's just beautiful. The only downfall is that backboard, you know, the noise. I mean, can I really entertain them that? How can you entertain? When there's alien abductions happening left and right? No one's heard, you know something? No one's heard from Linda Bronson's seen in three and a half minutes.

Very skeptical. By the way, I just want to mention that the Jack and Jill bathroom, like, that was horrifying because it was like supposed to be at the onsuit. And it was a, it was, it was not much larger than that one tiny bathroom we saw. It was this narrow bathroom. And then on top of that, it's a shared bathroom. That was awful. I don't even look at Jack and Jill bathrooms. They, like something happens to my brain.

My brain just shuts off because I've been so traumatized in those where you're like pooping. And then someone, of course, both the doors are not ever locked. And so someone always comes in like, what? They're a terrible idea. And that's like terrifying to me is somebody catching me poop. And I have like some kind of trigger response whenever I see them. My brain just shuts down. So I don't even remember that part in this episode.

I think like whoever thought a Jack and Jill bathroom was a good idea. Like they need to be examined. They are literally the worst concept of all time. Like here, here's someone taking a dump. You know what we should do? Create more access to them. No. There's more doors to open. Okay, so now they have to talk over what they like, right?

So the first one's ugly, but ugly. The second one's hideous, but also ugly. And the third one is gross, but newer gross, but still mostly ugly. What are they going to pick? Well, you know what? I'm worried about my space. Are you spending too much time on that website? Mom, that site has not been around for 20 years.

well, I don't know. You know, I'm just trying to be young and connect with the people. So they're like, well, the first house we hated, the second house we loved and was perfect. It's everything we need. The third house we hated. It's not good for us. What should we do here? And normally that's the way they trick you, but not these people.

They're like, I think we should take the second one. I was like, come on, you guys. Build up some suspense. But the second one was the best option because there was no space for Barbara. like the first one was just like a room the second the third one was also just a room and it was like the second one had stuff for her even though it was definitely like there was that peace day in and everything so they move in there and so we see them in two and a half weeks and they're they have put this like red furniture out it's wild they're doing they're doing weird things where they're like

we've been unpacking boxes for weeks we're basically exhausted let's get a scene let's insert a scene here showing you of all the hard work we do. And it's Barbara putting a coffee table right next to a dresser. Like it's blocking the access to the dresser. So she puts down a coffee table. And her daughter's like, oh, that's nice. And she goes, yeah, so people could put down their drinks. She goes, oh.

I love that. She's like, I love that, mom. I just revolutionized entertaining. Call NASA. I figured out what to do with tables. You know what? I gave them an outrageously low, offer. It was listed at 370,

and we got it for 340, and it turns out this place is haunted, and my daughter's social life has never been better. Look at her pouring champagne over there. Okay, you're pouring that on the carpet. It's into a ghost glass, mother. Oh, God. They are ghosts, but they use real things.

Okay, pour into tangible objects. Okay, well, that brings us to the end of house hunters. Hello. What a, what a lovely time. Mother and daughter, eh? What a, what a fun, wacky time. Yeah, I hope that the daughter never listens to this. Either one of them, really. And yeah, if you do listen to it, this had nothing to do with you. You both seem like very lovely people. I feel like the nicest people. We just create our own narratives. That's all it is.

Yeah, don't worry, guys. It was nothing personal. You're all beautiful. You're all worthy. and you're all go hug yourself definitely have social lives all right well thank you everyone your cabinets look great everything's great you did a great job at the coffee table and you finally found out where the aliens are there in Danbury

so thank you all everyone for being here and for listening and we'll catch you in two weeks on another new dwell hello oh and if you have suggestions then write them to watch what crapins at Gmail com with the subject dwell hello suggestion please use that phrase because we'll have a better chance of finding your recommendation when we do a search thanks everyone and we'll catch in the next one bye hello