Watch What Crappens - Dwell Hello #419: London Nanny Seeks Solitude on Vanuatu

Episode Date: September 19, 2024

This week on Dwell Hello we’re following a retired nanny who wants to move off the grid in Vanuatu.  But when your bathroom is a shovel, it might be time to rethink the plan.  We’re recapping House Hunters International S193E7 “London Nanny Seeks Solitude on Vanuatu” on Max.Find bonus episodes at patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens and follow us on Instagram @watchwhatcrappens @ronniekaram @benmandelker Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Well, hello, and welcome to Dwell Hello. It's a Watcher Crappins House Hunters podcast. Welcome back. We're here on Wondry Plus, recapping one of our favorite shows, House Hunters. This time, House Hunters International. I'm Ben. That's Ronnie. Hi, Ronnie. How's it going? Well, hello, doing great over here. What's going on with you today? Not much. I am just feeling particularly grateful for flushing toilets and running water after watching this latest episode of HouseHunter's International, which took place on a beautiful island of Vanuatu. The episode is London Nanny Seeks Solitude on Vanuatu. It's available on Max. Just type in that name. You'll be able to pull it up. And it's House Hunter's International.

Ronnie, do you know who recommended this to us? Or did you pick this one out of thin air? Sorry to put you on the spot. I do not. Give me one second. Well, while you look that up, sorry, I put you right on the spot right there. First of all, everyone, thanks. Lucy. Lucy sent this to us.

Thank you, Lucy. Thank you, Lucy. This one was a fun one. Yes, so if you have episodes you'd like to send us, you can always email us at watch forcrapins at gmail.com. And just be sure to put as your subject, dwell hello suggestions. That way, when we go to look up episodes to watch, that's the search term that we enter, dwell hello suggestions. So all those emails will pop up. So if you use a different subject, there's a good chance we may miss it.

So with that being said, let's dive into this week's Dwell Hello, shall we? Dwell Hello. Now, this is one of those episodes. You know how a lot of these were like, oh, my God, you have a budget that's so small and you're expecting so much. This one is, I think, the first house hunters I've ever watched where I'm like, whoa, that's all you're getting for 300 grand. Are you fucking kidding me? You need to be getting a lot more for your buck. Yeah.

lady so we meet justine this is sort of like the the pre-credits sequence and she's like viannawatu is the hippiest place on if and this guy sam's like very very true sam by the way is the most adorable realtor i feel like he is so cute and all he does the whole episode is go yeah yeah he's not about peace man because the island of vanuatu is all about peace so she's like it's the hippies place on earth and he's like very very true i think that's disneyland i know but you know what i'll what if it's so what if anuatu is just a simulation put on by dsnieland all this time we thought it was all this time we thought it was an island nation but turns out it's just a creation by disney disneyland's just poop in your hand like wait a minute when did dsneeland get so laxed

like wait a second we could have been really increasing our profit margins by getting rid of bathrooms Yeah. Disneyland's like, we're not going to feed you or let you boo. So at least we're consistent. It's like, wait a minute, what happened to Disneyland? So Justine is like, after many years of working 24-7, I really need to have wrist. I really need to rest. And then we see Justine floating around in the ocean with her arms opened wide, like she's just going to hug the sky. Justine is living her, just excuse me, I'm sorry, I really justine this up. Justine is leaving her hectic life in London to be reinvigorated on the remote islands of Vanuatu in the South Pacific, also known as formerly the happiest place on earth until Justine got there.

Justine, bringing a dark cloud of misery to the sweet paradise known as Vanuatu. Her name is Justine, but the locals call her, just go. And Sam's like, oh! And she's laying on the beach and she's like, wow, this is really extreme challenge. And we see her walking in the sand dragging around a small roller bag. Justine. Justine. I'm telling you right now you're not prepared for this shit, Justine, okay?

Did she leave London behind or was she kicked out? They're like, unfortunately, nanny has been, is inequipped for our beach vacations. We have to get rid of those. She's probably walking around the sidewalks of London dragging around a backpack on the ground with no rollers on it. Justine just isn't prepared with luggage wherever she goes. So the narrator's like, well, with her Birkenstocks firmly on the ground, L.O.L. Am I right? I just Birkenstocks seem some idiot with a roller bag on a fucking sandpit.

With her disgusting open-toe sandals on the ground, ruining the good Birkenstock's name, L-O-L. I mean, might as well wear Tivas at this point. Is she having second thoughts? So then we see clips of Justine and Stam, Sam standing outside one of the properties. And he's holding a shovel and a toilet paper. And she's, hey, do I go to the toilet? Or I have to dig a hole.

And he just lifts up the toilet paper like, it's toilet paper. What do you think? Hey, Justine, why don't you just shit in your roller bag? Sorry to interject. It's not really my place, but I had to say it. And she's like, I want to live off grid. So I love when people say this I'm like, what have you done?

You know what I mean? Like honestly, what if you, who are you running from that you need to live off the grid? Are you worried that the government's going to find out that you've been spending your Amex, you know, points to jerk off online? I mean, what are you afraid up, Justine? I was more like, who were your awful employers

that you had to literally just get away from all, like you don't even want a bathroom? Like you're willing to shit in a bucket base. basically because your employers were so bad to you. The children she raised are like monsters, you know? And so she's on a beach lounge chair next to Sam. Also, you know what? You're relying too much on Sam.

I don't think Sam knows what's going on. Yeah, sell you a property. So she's like, you know, I want to live off grade, but with all the conveniences. And he goes, ah, expats, they always say this. And so he's like machetinging through a coconut. while she kind of hems and haws. And she's like, I'm not sure I can do this. Yeah, it's not really as easy as opening a Diet Coke, is it?

Yeah. When you have to get a fucking weapon, you have to get a cartel weapon to get a drink around here. Also, if you want to live off the grid, but still have all the normal conveniences, just don't get a cable plan. Like don't call Verizon.

Just exactly. Get some solar panels. You could live in Kansas. You could live in like Los Angeles even. You can be off the grid and just don't get internet. Yeah. So now we're in North Queensland, Australia. A spider sits in the middle of their web, which I don't, I guess we're supposed to think that Vanuatu is the spider. I think of Justine is the spider. I think the spider is moving to Vanuatu. And she's like, because she has this thing during, like, one of her running things is like, oh, neighbors. I don't want to be near anybody. The spider's like, ugh, I just want to get off the grid already. Damn, and I just made a number. other grid. Why? Why do I keep making grids? Why do you need such silence away from all human

beings, Justine? What's going on of it? Justin's a fucking serial killer. I'm telling you right now. Justine's like a little bit too married to her own narrative, I think. Like, okay, I get it. You want to be remote. You don't want to be plugged in. You just want to have like peace and silence or whatever. But like you don't need the next house to be like 45 miles from you. Like, you can deal with a house that's nearby. Yeah. So she tells us about herself. I grew up in the jungles of North Queensland.

And as a child, I had a really free lifestyle. I spent most of my time on the beach, being a bit of a loner. You don't say, Justine, really. I have four children, but I ignore them because I decided to work as a maternity nurse nanny for the one percent of the world. This is basically, like, the flip side of the Caroline Sandbury story. You know, Caroline Sandbury has spent a lot of time complaining about boarding school and nannies raising her. And now we're actually going to meet one of her nannies, essentially. Traumatized as she would be.

Yes. There are definitely perks to being nanny to the stars in London. And then we see B-roll of Life in London. I want to see who she was nannying for. Was it John Legend and Chrissy T? Because, you know, like, who's trauma? Who hurt you? I want to see baby spies throw a fork at Justin's head.

Like, that's not how you raise my child. Yeah, 100. So she's like, we have maids, we have cook, we have a driver. I've become so spoiled. But after a while, it does get tiring. It just does. I mean, living in the lap of luxury. Imagine, I just imagining her employer has been like,

darling, we need to talk about Justine. She keeps using our maids and our drivers. Does she not realize that she's the nanny? She's one of them. She doesn't get to use our workers to you. She's like, I rarely had time off. My role was to look after the child 24-7. Well, what were you going to do, Justine?

Go people watching. You hate people. You hate things. You hate electricity. There's nothing else to do, Christine. Justine. It was a sacrifice to try and make a better life of myself and my children. Okay, I'm going to say it right now.

I think she was taking care of one of the royal children. And I think that, like, the pressure of the company, don't they call it the company? was too much for her and she broke and she's like I need to go to a remote island I feel like she didn't even see her own kids honestly I feel like she didn't like him I feel like she was like I don't want to spend time with him no why would I they're gross yeah I mean I kind of

get Justine you know can you can you tell I'm like that's me I'm looking at her and her flowy flower dresses and I'm like this is me and that dude just chopping a fucking macheting of coconut you know I can see that as my life well justine was able to save most of her salary because let's face it the only thing she bought was a pair of Birken socks, so she could eventually buy a beachfront home.

Places that Justine saved money. The beauty salon. The clothing store. Deodorant aisle, the drugstore. Whole food soap aisle. Charismus school. Every recap. What was it?

Charismus school. I made it up. Charismus school. Justine was able to see. save most of his salary so she could eventually buy a beachfront home. Okay, stop complaining because you were a nanny and now you can buy a beachfront property. That's what I was thinking when I was watching this. So it's like, Justine, like, didn't, isn't nannying for once and now she can get a helicopter to take her back and forth to the fucking home. Yeah. Well, it's more a dream and possibly everyone else's dream. Not mine, bitch. And just two and a half hour flight from Australia,

Vanuatu offers a rugged beach lifestyle at a fraction of the cost of almost anywhere else. And on top of that, it's the sort of beaches you just wouldn't want to bring a roller bag onto, you stupid idiot. Sorry, I'm just really enraged over here. Just seems like I went to Vanuatu a lot as a child. For some reason, I remember more cement. I seem to remember pathways here. Oh, well. I fell in love with the natural beauty of it.

I love natural beauty. I haven't shaved my armpits for 13 years. I just want the polar opposite of London, okay? I don't want to see double-decker buses. I don't want to see billboards. I don't want to see men in tall furry hats. I don't want to see statues. I don't want to see bridges.

I don't want to see rivers. I don't want to see Simon Carroll. I don't want to see Monty Python. There was a time where I'd see Mary Poppins and I think supercalifragilistic expedited days. If I saw Mary Poppins right now, I'd say, eat my dick bitch That's where I'm at

I don't want the London eye I want the Vanuatu ear So She's talking about how She really wants to live off grid So bad you guys You guys guess what I want to do Off grid it

I'm off gridding this shit And she's like Yeah I just looked at these ugly little pasty children I was raising And I said it's time to fucking tap out So here I am I want to go someplace Where I don't have a giant clock

Looming over my entire city tell me what time it is. I don't want to know what time it is. How about small Ben instead of big Ben? How about that for an idea? You're on mute, darling. You're on mute. I don't even know how I did that. It's our new podcast. It's called you're on mute, darling, all right? You're off grid. You went off grid for a moment. I did it. I'm living Justine's dream. But she's like, yep, I've made it to the boat dock now. Oh, God, now there's a dock here, and I can actually roll. I've just taken the wheels off of my suitcase.

Right. Back on. So she gets on a little boat and she's going off to an island in Vanuatu, from one island to another. 83 islands make up the Republic of Vanuatu, a small nation 1,000 miles east of Australia. And then we meet Sam, who is the real estate agent on this island, which I think is called Aori. That's, I think it's Aori.

aor or aori it's a great poor strip cleaner and um he's like he tells us a little about the place and he's like we got independence in 1980 and that's when we changed our name to vanuatu it's the largest island it's largest island it's largest island oh it's largest island santo may be the place to stock up because there are virtually no shops on aori island not that justine would go to him anyway sorry justine they have haven't opened up a Birkenstock outlet here yet. Dare to dream. Oh, Justine, you're lucky.

They do have paper bag delivery, so you'll have something to wear to the dance. L.O.L. Like you'll be invited. So Justin's like, you've run out of food. You eat out of your garden. How does this sound fun to anybody else? Like, how does it sound fun to put yourself in the position Tom Hanks was in in Outcast? That sounds horrible. Yeah, it's definitely not, it's not my vibe. So, because it's already hard enough to grow things in your garden. So that's the thing.

Like I think maybe if I were growing a lot of stuff in my garden, I would eat out of it. It's hard. I have, it's possible. People make it sound, they're always like, oh my God, I just can't wait to live off the land. I mean, if you're hungry, you just go get something out of your garden. I can't even grow a fucking cactus from another cactus. Like, I can take a piece of one cactus, plant it. And I can never make it grow into another cactus.

That's supposed to be the easiest thing on earth. Leah Black told me, do you need cactuses? Go around to cut cactuses. Put them in your backyard. They grow. No, there's like, there's a, I can't do it. Like, you've got to, like, you've got to do something for, like, two weeks. And then for the next two weeks, you got to do something else.

Like, it's like a whole thing you have to do. You know about that? It's hard. It's a whole process. I can tell you, I'm not growing. I'm no, I don't know about how to do it. I haven't grown one fucking cactus. All I know is that growing plants is really hard.

And then just when you get the hang of it, the fucking bugs come. And they kill everything. And yes, I know they need to live too. But like, it's one thing if I'm like going to the grocery store and I'm trying to grow something for fun. But if I'm trying to eat off of my land and the bugs are coming, that's going to be a problem. Yeah, I know. That's why we need to be more grateful for roundup. Okay.

So we see, he's, she's saying, well, how do I get power? And he's like with solar panels or a generator. She goes, oh my God, that sounds so complicated. Well, yeah. Well, it's like being mad. It's like going bowling and then being mad that you're hearing a lot of crashing sounds. Yeah. Look, what do you, you're at the bowling alley, lady.

So we find out that nearly two thirds of Vanuatu's home don't actually even have electricity. So she goes, well, I saw on the internet Vanuatu supposed to be the happiest place on Earth. Because apparently she like went to like one website. She probably went to like a Reddit page somewhere where someone was like, I love Vanuatu. It's like the happiest place on Earth. Like, look at this picture of my world. my home, everyone should move here. And she's like, well, sounds like a done deal for me. Because she bases everything for the rest of the episode off of like some internet search

she did, which goes, well, this doesn't look a lot like what I saw on the internet. I'm like, were you, were you just watching reruns of Survivor Vanuatu? Is that what you were doing? Yeah. And he's like, well, yeah, because people aren't stressed here. And expats realize, oh, we can live longer. Well, congratulations. You get to live longer, but you don't get to watch Matlock because you don't have electricity. What's the point of being old and I'll watch Matlock reruns or the new Matlock's with Kathy Bates. Which I kind of want to watch. Literally renewed my Paramount to watch

Matlock and went on and it wasn't on yet. No, it's like I think this week or next week. I've seen so many commercials for it. Oh God, my neck hurts. I hurt my neck now because Ben hurt his neck. I hurt my neck earlier. That's how much I like you, Ben. Someone called Mattlock, help us. Call Kathy Bates Matlock. Save us. Speaking of aging and watching Matlock, how did I hurt my neck?

Just because you heard, you said hurt neck and now my neck hurts. Thanks, Ben. It was the case for Matlock. So Sam tells us that he lives in Santo, but he's like, but he likes Aori because it's a very simple life. There's only 500 people on the island, and only locals live there. And so he's also talking about how there's like the traditional house is made of Natarguara leaves, which are basically like thatched ruse, et cetera. So this is like really, this is rustic living here. This is like you're out there in the elements.

Like you have palm fronds for your roof. Yeah. This is rustic even for island living because they show the roofs that he's talking about. They don't even cut up the leaves. They don't like cut them and weave them in anything. They're just like here's a big leaf. It's like a big ball. This is like a survivor.

This truly is like a survivor, you know, shelter. So just seems like, well, I noticed all these houses along here look like a suburban house in Australia. yeah um okay he's like oh yes yes these are more attractive for investors yeah but they're still next to everyone i mean do you have something that's like a little bit more remote and he's like yes uh something in the mountains and she goes okay but i'd really prefer beachfront so someone could just roll out of bed and go swimming every day it's like lady you're on a tropical island everyone's be on the beach front. So you either go in the mountains and be alone or you're by the beach with other people. Yeah. And he asked what kind of stuff, what house she wants. She's like, traditional.

I saw photos of a grass roof of something on the internet. You know what? You say internet for someone who's about to give it up for the rest of their lives. Yeah, she talks about the internet a lot. And she also does that thing, which I feel like is so condescending, which is like, I just want to live like a local. I just want to be a local. But I'm like, you're not a local. So the fact that you just want to step in and just get all your local cred, just kind of like, I don't think that's going to happen. You're still not going to be a local. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. I just feel like be, I don't know. I would want to like if I was moving to a place with, I don't know, I'd be like, I don't want to live like a local. I want to

live like somebody with internet and a toilet that flushes, make changes. I believe in moving to places and then voting the way that you want things to be done. That's why I moved to Texas. No, I mean, I think that, like, you don't want to go in and just, like, knock down a bunch of trees and build something that doesn't feel like a match of the island. But, like, I just sometimes feel like... Yeah, you do.

I just go in and put up a strip mall. You know what I mean? Go and put a back blockbuster. Pape paradise at the parking lot. But I just feel like sometimes people... It's called gentrification, lady. Come on, do it right. Especially white people just have this, like,

fantasy of like, I'm just going to fit right in, and I'm just going to move in. I'll just be, just be like one of the locals. I'm like, hmm, you're going to, you're going to still bring your, your white lady stuff to it. And like it just feels, I don't know, there just feels like there's something so condescending when people do that. So, um, she's talking about how she wants like a one bedroom, one bath, and she's got 300 grand, which I think sounds like a lot because he's like, do you mind using a toilet outside? Yeah, for 300 grand, I want a toilet. I want a toilet. I want toilet too. I would say, go build that toilet. So she goes, well,

it sounds awful. Or this spider. This is something is like, oh, no, no, no, they'll hide in the bush. She goes, well, I don't believe you. Who's bush? Who's bush? Exactly. I hope I can find a home with a toilet inside and running water because I really want to live off the grid

with just a few modern inconveniences. All I want is a toilet, internet, power. I'd like to build a spa if possible, garage. Do you have ploy swatters here? I know that that's not really a luxury, but I do like to hit children with them. I'd love to be the crazy Australian ladies who hits children who pass bar.

That'd be a great reputation to have. Justine's budget won't get her a remote beach compound or a haircut. Or any modern amenities. And unfortunately, they don't sell taste, but I don't think it's affordable even if they did. So they go to the first path. The first house they get to, they have to, like, go down on a path with, like, it's like a very overgrown path. And it's like up in the mountains. That's far away from everyone.

And she's like, so are all the roads like this on the island? He's like, oh, yeah, well, yeah. When you drive up in the mountains, yeah. So I like, she's already complaining. She's like, oh my god, these roads are terrible. God, do you guys pay taxes here? Where's the highway? but if looking

but if she's looking for a bargain with no neighbors in sight Sam knows just the place a clearing in the middle of the jungle where no one has to see Justine I know I'm starting to think Sam's just making shit up he's like that'll be $300,000 welcome to your new land he does kind of lie this whole episode

like he's like yeah town's like 10 minutes 10 minutes away and then we see the view and it's like miles away it's like yeah 10 minutes That's by airplane. So we see house number one, ocean view shack. So she's like, so what do I have to walk through the jungle to get to town? He's like, yeah.

He goes, uh-huh. So little red riding. Yeah, I'm quite afraid of the jungle. He's like, yeah. Okay, well, is there running water or a bathroom? He's like, you'll see. So they get to this house and there are no neighbors. and everything, and they're just, like, walking around, and she's like, so how long does it take to get to town?

Uh, about an hour. Okay. And does this bucket come with it? Yeah, but we need to fix it. So they're talking about a car. So there's like a little car or something. There's like a little car. Everything needs to be fixed at all times.

Yeah, seriously. And they keep going to places with broken cars out front. is also hilarious. She's like, is that mine? He goes, oh, yeah, it's broken, though. Are all these people dead? Are these just, it's like a zombie movie where places look lived in, but they're just abandoned. It's like, you get this bucket, this broken down truck, and some really old moldy Campbell soup. She's like, okay, and what about, is there running water here? He goes, yeah, we have a tank. You have to fix it, though. She's like, all right. God damn it. Well, what about power? We've got to be. We've got to be able to. We've

got solar power. It's broken, though. Come on. Yeah, it's a fix. And how do I get a toilet? He's like, here's a shovel. Well, here's the bottom of a shovel. The handles over there. You're going to have to take that up. And if you think this is just like a Ronnie joke, he literally hands her a shovel

and there's just a freestanding roll of toilet paper on a fence. There's not even like a little toilet paper holder. It's not even a thing to put the, like a peg to put it on. And it just is sitting there, ready to be blown over. She's like, so I have to dig a hole to go to the toilet

And he just shows her the toilet paper She's like, and how much is this? And he's like 200,000, but you get all this land Oh wow, really? Good, I can poop for like what a year? Look at all these acres I can poop in. Just mark off all the places where you've got poop And then by the time you make a full circle, the poop is gone.

You really are going to need a fly swatter living in this place because there's poop everywhere. It's going to be poo every place. So she's like, in the closest neighbor? He's like, ah, kilometer, it's just you and the trees and your Birkenstocks. Well, yeah, I mean, definitely no neighbors. And the view is beautiful, which honestly, I mean, the view is nice, but I feel like it's not. I actually did not think it was a beautiful view.

I mean. I mean, I think it's beautiful just by nature, by the nature of where you are. You know what I mean? Yeah, that's like almost like the bar. is now higher because you're on this beautiful island. So, of course, everything's going to be beautiful. I didn't think it was like an exemplary, like an above and beyond beautiful view. Like a view is so beautiful that you'd be willing to sacrifice having a toilet.

Yeah. So they go look inside and it's like, wow, look at this nice tabletop. It's broken. Oh, all right. I actually loved that table, to be honest. And then it's like, he's like, and oh, look, you know, I just, he's like, I just closed the door like this. And he puts like a little leaper on it. I love he was like sort of carefully locking this door when all the windows were wide open.

So it's so big. She's like, are you closing it up? And he goes, yeah, local style. Yeah, like in this open air room. But the door will be closed like a little metal. It's like when you go to like a like a bathroom like a, it's like a little metal hinge. It's like the locals are afraid of crawling through windows here. Got nothing to worry about.

So, you know, it's a room and there's like a little, like a hot plate kind of thing. And there's like one, there's like one sort of a utility lamp that will light up the whole place and everything. And Justine is like shocked. She's shocked that like living off the grid means that she really has to live off the grid. She's like, so I meant to cook on this. I'm like, wait, this is your problem? Not the, not the shovel.

That's your bathroom outside? She's like, so that light ball bright there. Can I hook that into a little? Lutron Caseta wireless system that works with my Android. It's like, no. None of that. None of that's going to work. All right, then.

And she's like, and then, it's just one lot. Just like, like, there's like the lot that my dad would have in my, in his shed. He's like, yeah. All right. And it's broken. Oh, for what's all that net for? What's all that? It's actually toilet paper.

When you wake up. Justine, you're on a tropical island. They filmed a season of. survivor here. What do you think that Net is for? A wedding dress? Is this like a wedding? It's just like a wedding dress. Uh, showroom here. Of course, it's for mosquitoes. You dumb, dumb, dumb, idiot. Yeah. She goes, this soul reminds me as Kempies as a child. And guess what? I didn't like Kemping. Then what the fuck are you dealing with that scene? Justine, you're on the wrong store, ma'am. Justine, just move to rural New Mexico. Okay. You can still have your

electricity. Yeah, for Christ's sake, go to towels. Not even rural New Mexico. Just go to fancy, boozy ass like there are plenty of places in America where you can just still have your internet and your bathroom and you'll be very remote. Montana, for crying out loud. So she is stupefied by the fact that there's mosquito netting in her bedroom. And, and then she's, and then she's like, how do I even get up here? And it's like, you live. literally just put your hands on the thing and you climb up. And he's like, oh, we can make a staircase for you. Yeah.

So then we see a little blue bucket on the ground. And she's like, wait a minute. Is that my bed in a bucket? And he's like, yeah. Well, in all fairness, it's it's a bucket more than you're bathing now. I know. At least it's twice the size is your bathroom. Your toilet, I should say.

Right. So she's like, well, this. needs a lot of work and Sam says it's 10 minutes to the beach through the jungle, but it looks more like a jungle safari and I'm not prepared to do that. I'm glad that she's savvy enough to know that Sam's lying to her ass. All she had to do was like count the steps to where they came from, you know what I mean? Exactly. And then she's looking at their straps on the side of the house. So she's like, what are these straps full? And he's like, oh yeah, to protect the roofing from the cyclone.

We see on the bottom Vanuatu was hit with two cyclones back to back that basically, you know, massively impacted the population. So I'm like, this house has got to survive a cyclone. I don't know what Justine is getting yourself into here. Sounds so cute, though. He's like, yeah, if you tie it down right, it can last for eight years. I love that you're handing out the warranties on the palm front roof. This roof will last almost as long as a Toyota Camry. Yeah, he's like an extra $100,000.

You get an eight-year warranty on this roof. So, and then there's some like nice nuts outside and everything. And they're looking and Sam's cracking them open and they're eating these local nuts. But also, let me just say, it's not like you just walk outside and you get a nut. He's cracking them open with a hammer. There is nothing that's just easy to eat here. Do you have any apple trees? Why does everything need a machete or a hamlet?

hammer, sir. So Justine eats it. She goes, well, it tastes like almonds. I'm like, yeah, you're eating a nut. So I'm... So I'm not completely going to start if I don't want to go to town. So I really do like this property. It's definitely isolated. And I think I could rest really well out here. You know, the view is incredible. But I don't know if I want to walk that far to the beach of the jungle. And I'm a bit scared of the jungle and the house is a bit small. I'm like, when are you going to mention the fact that you have no toilet, Justin? Screw the beach walk.

Or bath. You have one light bulb. Justine. I know you hate children, but there are other ways to relax. And the funniest thing about this is really all she wants is to take a nap all day. And she thinks that the only way she's going to get to do this is to go to an island somewhere where no one can find her. Like, Christine, you can literally just turn Do Not Disturb on your phone and tell everybody to fuck off. You don't need to go to this drastic measure.

And you know she's going to be a nuisance to all the locals. Because here's the thing. people live on Vanuatu, I imagine, are used to this style of living, you know, whereas Justine's going to get there and she's going to be pestering. She says she doesn't want to see anyone, but she's going to be the first one to be knocking on a neighbor's door, be like, could you help me with my generator, please? I'm just really confused on how it looks. A hundred percent.

Do you have any oranges? I just don't feel like going to town. She is going to be the nuisance to all the neighbors. And this is why people need to raise better children, because when you raise little monsters, your nannies lose their mind and they go off to a small island nation and pest are the locals who are previously very happy. I know. Then you make the nanny crazy and she goes and makes everybody else crazy. It's a circle of strife. Yeah.

So she's like, I don't know about going to dig a hole every time I've got to go to the bathroom. And he's like, well, you know, for $200,000 you can build a bathroom and fix everything. Oh, okay. First of all, I know this is not what you meant, but that's a huge. bathroom back. Could you imagine? She just has an amazing bathroom. Yeah, I mean, but that is true, though.

She does have that money to spend. And I don't know how far the dollar goes or the British pound goes in Vanuatu, but I feel like she could probably get a bathroom pretty easily. Later in the episode, she's... Well, I mean, you can afford a toilet for $100. That's not the crazy part. It's the plumbing. Yeah.

Like, I don't know that there's plumbing all the way up on this mountain where there's literally nobody but you. Well, Sam is very funny because later in the episode, she's like, well, how long does it take to build a bathroom here? He goes, oh, a week. I was like, you're you are just lying, Sam. You're just trying to get your commission. It does not take, I don't know in any world where it takes

a week to make a bathroom. And I like that she knows it too, because she just goes, yeah, I think maybe a month and he just smiles. Like, maybe. He's like, yeah. You get me. He's like, you get me. So she's like, moving to Vanuatu, I definitely feel like I'll be making a few compromises. But I do want modern conveniences, because I'm not sure I can do this.

What am I going to do? Where's the Lindskrafters? He's like, no. Yeah. That's why you go on. Here's a Coke bottle. That's why you go onto YouTube and you take a video tour of the island and learn about Vanuatu before you decide to move there. So now we go to a preview of House 2.

And Linda goes, Sam's traditional beach hut is a slight upgrade. And then we see there's like a toilet. with the bucket, but it also may need everything. And then Justin goes, where's the kitchen sink? I was going to say, I was going to say an air freshener for Justine, but kitchen sink works too. So she's like, I've always been the person that believes that you should come up with five impossible dreams a day. I have my impossible dream introducing Justine to secret. it. Just seems like, here's my impossible dreams.

Getting an app. Getting another nap. Having another nap. The human population losing the ability to breed. You know, the idea of having a beach property really came to me pretty much my whole life. But I certainly couldn't afford it until I was working in the Middle East. And I would go to my employer's beach house and see the beachfront. And I was like, yeah, it's time to me to have this.

And then all of a sudden, my employer's husband was like, take you, takey, takey. and then she was like, not now, Sergio. And I said, I just got to get out of this place. Thankfully, they wouldn't help me, but thankfully they had a very alcoholic gay down there to send me everywhere that I needed to go. Now I've got some marble. It's got a bit of a chip in it,

but I, at least I'm not married to the loser with no job. You know, it was really fun there, but unfortunately after I was framed for accused of trying to kidnap some little boy by a lady, was scent packing and here I am in Vanuatu. Here's a problem with seeing how the other half lives. You're like, oh, I can have this too. They could have it so I can have beachfront property too.

And here I am in Vanuatu with pooping in a ground. Pretending I'm Caroline Stanbury, even though not at all. So she's in a hammock and Sam is like, yeah, well, when you move to Vanuatu, you have to adapt to our life and our culture and our experience. which that's not what there's no way that justina's going to do that no way so then we see an infographic and it's bismama the common language of vanuatu is a blend of english french and indigenous languages so you speak spanish here no we speak vislama oh so spanish oh no that one poquito mas porfavor no bismama all right then i'll speak spanish everybody thanks because

You know, in Bislamma, when you want to say goodbye, you say, ta-ta. Oh, I've got it. And when you want to say hello, you say, hello. God, I love Bislamar. So, isn't it a true thing about Vanuatu? Time, time, time, time, things take longer here. And he goes, yes. It's just, oh, well, I guess I just start rolling with the punches.

He goes, yeah, it's called, you're on Vanuatu time now. It's like, oh, gosh. I love, um, Justine. being shocked that things go at a slower pace on a remote island. I thought I was leaving the hustle and bustle of London for the hustle and bustle of Vanuatu. So my naps, if I was taking an hour nap, it'll seem like a long nap here. He's like, oh my God, lady, for Christ's sake. He goes, so I'm going to take it to a property on the beach.

It's a traditional building. Does it have neighbors? No, neighbors are not close. So then we go to the house number two and it's by the beach and everything. But this one's like an hour from town. And so they're walking around and there's a water tank and there's a generator that you have to use to get like the water tank to go and everything. And there's a truck out front. And she goes, does that truck come with it?

Yeah, but it's broken. It's broken. Yeah, it's broken. But you get a boat There is no place it fixes cars in this town Or if there is we don't have a tow truck company To get the car to the place to fix the cars, okay? So it does come with like a little canoe

It comes with an outwarker canoe But this is so funny, she's, oh, a canoe You trust the canoe? Girl, nothing here works. Haven't we already established it literally nothing works? He's like, look, there's a window. Doesn't have a window pane in it. Oh, hey, look,

There's a truck. It's broken. There's another truck. It's broken. Oh, you know what? I trust. Something that I go into on a body of water with no help because there's no neighbors around. Get the fuck out of here. I'm not trusting your boat. The canoe is actually something I do trust, but what I don't trust is Janine's ability to paddle that canoe for an hour to get to town. There's way she is going to be swept out to sea. This lady, like, I feel like if you've been raised, you know, paddling that canoe all your life, you understand the water, you understand the current. you understand the canoe. Like, sure, one hour. But if you're like some nanny who's been in the lap of luxury for the past many years of your life,

tending for little brats, and now you're supposed to get into a traditional wooden canoe and paddle yourself to town and it takes an hour for someone who is well versed at it to get to town, no, you're never getting food again in the rest of your life. Yeah, not going to happen. So she is checking out the house, this cute little house, and it's 280,000. And this one has a bathroom. So he leads her to a separate hut that has a toilet and a shower area and it has a mop hanging in between the two areas and like a hose, basically. She's like, looks like a shade to me.

No. So this is the shower? Yes, you know, you get the water from the tank and then we have to, then you light the gas and then we switch on here and then use the hot water. And she goes, oh, I think I'll have to take cold showers. It's just a bit too much. She's like, yeah, I have that effect on a lot of women. No, not you, you peach. He's like, actually, it's quite simple to use this stuff.

She goes, oh, God, but I'm used to turning on a tip and having hot water. I don't know. Was there a toilet? Please move to a different town. You are so fucking annoying. This lady is going to show up at every city hall meeting being like, hey, I want a bathroom. I just want to live like the locals. Where's my teap water?

Now, listen, I'm here on a mission to live like a local. we need to build a subway stop. Excuse me, where's the underground? So, yeah, and so now... That's where all your poop is. All right, I mean, figuratively. All right, this toilet. How do I flush this toilet?

He's like, well, we use the bucket, then put the water, and then you have to flush. And she's like, and there's no solar? She goes, he's like, no solar. It's broken. So she's like, well, sounds like it's a lot to do, just to have a shower. I was like, yeah, yeah, Justine, that's kind of the whole point, okay?

So she's like, I'm sort of wrong the fence. Oh, sorry, the fence is broken. It's also where you can poop. She's like, well, it's like, you know, there's a part of me that thinks I can do it. And then the other half is like, this is really complicated for someone who just wants some peace and quiet. Yeah, exactly. Have you ever watched Nomadland? Why don't you get a van?

Drive around. You'll be fine. Nomadland. So she's like, wow, look at this. How traditional is this living room? And oh, look at all this wood, how this is built. So this is local timbers. No, Justine, they flew in all the wood for this hut.

This is Carrera marble from Italy. Justine. What the fuck do you think it is? Justine, where are they going to get marble and wood? They don't have trucks at work. This is 100%? reclaimed canoe. Yes,

she's like, IKEA shipped in. She's like, oh, in the walls with the holes in it, what's that?

He's like, uh, for the air coming in. This used to be a gay bar. Trust me, it was a lot of fun. It changed a little after he gained

independence in 1890 or whatever. And and she's like, She's like, when we have the kitchen, again, this is just like a square room with nothing in it. Like, there's nothing in this room. And he's like, oh, look, but here, there's a, here's a shelf. You could put your plates and your cups inside here. Like, this is the only amenity is that there's a shelf.

Plates and cups, there's no sink. So he's like, she goes, where's the sink? And the running water. He goes, well, we pull up the water inside the puddle. And she goes, so there's no running water. He's like, no, she's no sink. no it's outside no fridge no she's like

oh for come on me but listen she goes oh the sound and we hear the ocean and everything he goes yes yes that's your friend the ocean who needs a sink when you've got the ocean

and she's like well I'm already feeling relaxed by the sound of that ocean but it stills so much work I mean you've got an ocean on the shelf do you really need anything more and a broken truck Listen, the outside is very peaceful sounding unless you can't go inside. You know what I mean?

Like, it's very peaceful to be outside if you have a home to go inside to. But if you're just stuck out there all day, it's not peaceful. Like having the ocean, and I'm not saying she wouldn't have a home, but I'm just saying that when you feel, you can feel trapped by that too. It doesn't, just because it looks like paradise doesn't mean it is. You know, at some point, that sound is going to sound like hell. It's going to be like. I'm drawing alone out here with no sink. So then they're like walking to the second floor because there's actually a bedroom on this like,

there's like a whole other sort of structure that you go up to. And, you know, it's got a bed in it and like it's sort of tall and up. And she goes, oh, and is this local Timbist's too? No, this one, this is the, this bedroom was important. This was, this is brought in from Dubai. I get with her. Oh, wow, this roof is beautiful. Is this local?

Oh, my God. Well, the textile industry here, I've got to hand it to them. I love their wood. I love their fronds. I could really relax here. Good night. Good night. I'm going to take an air.

All right, you want to see that? Be quiet. I don't work 24 hours a day. Sorry, sorry, Sam. I'm still traumatized. So then they're walking on these walkway. They're like these wooden planks that are put out to be walkway. I guess when it gets wet, maybe it gets muddy and stuff and et cetera.

She goes, well, I don't know about these walkways. They're a bit narrow and weird shapes. I was like, your kitchen is just a shelf and you're worried about these walkways. You've got bigger fish to fry if you could even fry them. You literally can't fry your fish. She's like, how am I going to walk? How am I going to get there? It's a weird shape.

I'm walking in zigzags. I'm like, just move the planks. Pick them up and put them in the arrangement that you'd prefer. Oh, Justine. So then we see the Outwiger canoe has been a major factor in migration across the vast Vanituatu, Vanuatu, archipelago. What the fuck, man. Sorry, for generations. And so she's like, oh, my God, is that my boat?

Oh, my God. This boat is as big as an elbow or it's as big as a forearm. Okay. You're supposed to drive that, you're supposed to take that thing into town and put groceries into it and bring it back? how is this going to work? I just listen. I don't think this is, none of us are built for this,

okay? This is too different. And listen, this is not us being like, look at how crazy it is on Ben and watch. Look at those people the way they live. It's more like for Justine. Like,

Justine's thinking that she could just like, know your limit. Yeah, no it. It's like, it's like this is, you will not survive here, Justine. We can see what you're all about

and you're acting like you want to be off the grid. This is what really being off the grid is like, and you're not built for this. Yeah. We're not like, ew, gross, there's huts. If this was anybody else who's like, oh, my God, I can't wait to live off the grid. Oh, my God, I get to poop into a hole.

I cannot wait to dig a hole. That's different. And there are people like that out there. But you can't say you want to live off the grid and then be like, there's no Vardomakes. Where is it? Where am I going to make my smoothies in? Modern amenities. And then at the same time, but this name is gross.

It's like, yes, I just want to make sure people know, like, we're not like shading the people of Anahuatu or people who live in Island Nation. or like the amenities there. We're shading Justine for what she's expecting to have out of this experience. Yeah, yeah. We're shading people from very privileged first world lives being like, I can't wait to live like a local. So where's the balloon shop?

I want a balloon art for my neighborhood party. So they go to a picnic table and she's like, oh, watch out for the coconut gravel. I don't think Sam needs you to tell them to watch out for something. I think Sam understands his way around this place pretty well. So he starts chopping up a coconut. And she's like talking and she's like, you know what? I really like the property.

I love the traditional feeling about it and I love the upstairs as well. However, the whole power in water scenario is really complicated. And I'm really concerned about whether I'll be able to cope. Also, that shelf being the only element of the entire house, that's a concern to you. And Sam's like, oh, don't worry. I teach a lot of expats when they come. It's easy. Do you get the impression that Sam's just fucking a lot of ladies coming here from the internet?

Because I kind of get that. I kind of get. She's very like free and flowing and kind of sexy in her new life. And Sam's just like, you've got this loving it. He's got this like really cute smile. He's like, oh. So he just seems so sweet and lovely. And next thing you know, he's blinking you, you know.

Yeah, next thing you know, I mean, Sam's got a good industry going on over there. He's like, I'll take all of the local trade. I'm sorry, all of the tourist trade moving here. So now she is, now, after seeing two traditional units, Sam shows Justine how the other half lives. And we see a very modern looking home. And we see a clip of Justine flushing a real toilet outside. Yeah. But the close neighbors are kind of defeating the purpose.

Ew. So we see there's like, oh, my goodness, there's a. person on a boat going by. So Justin's like, well, I don't want to be near people. After years of rising children, I just want to be myself by myself for a year or two. I'm like, well, that's fine. Don't talk to them. Just stay in your house. You'll be okay. Yeah. So now they go see, they go down this dirt path and there's all these wiry trees and stuff. And she's like, oh my God, what are those big, huge trees? Are those locals? Yeah, they're called Bunyan trees. You can build a house up the branches, like an avatar.

He's like, yeah, whatever. I don't know what that is. It's like, okay. Sure, I guess. Because I want to build a house up on the bunion trees. I mean, Lord knows I'm growing a couple of my feet. Isn't that right? So after years of looking after my own children,

then other people's children, I definitely feel like it's time for me to look after my inner child. And my inner child, hold on, I must see what my inner child says. My inner child says, give me an iPad. Well, we're just going to ignore my inner child. We can go to remote island instead. So now she's like, oh, this is not. Oh, so this is the World War II road.

So then we find out that this was a place where the U.S. constructed some of its largest South Pacific military bases. And so that's why it's a little more developed, I guess. And she's like, okay, so I've seen a couple of properties. And my vision of what homes would be like in Vanuatu, a fall what I saw on the Internet. You think? With Justine second-guessing the idea of living off the grid

Or giving up her Birkenstocks Now we're going to go located on the north side of the island To house number three It's a shorter boat ride into Santo But it's also where most people live Which might be a problem For them, once Justine moves in She's like, is that a private beach?

He goes, yeah, it's a private beach She goes, but how do I get to town? And he's like, what a taxi And she's like, well, this doesn't look very traditional by the way, she's making it sound like it's this huge, man. With like computerized like fingerprint entries. You know what I mean? But there's also, by the way, there's also this really condescending view that we see on these shows where people are like,

I want to come here and I want to live like the locals. And it's like, oh, this house is far too modern. I want to be like the poor people. That's kind of what they're saying. And it's like, yeah, I'm sure the locals also have like modern houses too. Like, yes, there are probably people. people who don't have the amenities. But like, it's just sort of like this condescending view of like, well, everyone in Vanuatu

is Vanuatu lives in the hut. I'm like, I'm sure there are plenty of people that live in the houses. Like we saw on Santos, which is the more populated modern island, there are a lot of people who have modern homes. So it's just kind of this funny idea. Well, that would be funny, wouldn't it? If he's just fucking with her and she ends up living on this like plot of land where she's digging a hold of shit and then her neighbors do come over.

over and they're like, hi, we live up the road. It's like, what's that hanging? Do you have a car that works? Oh, yeah, we have a car that works. We actually own a car dealership in town. A car dealership? What's that? Oh, it's my garage door opener.

You want to come over? We've got a heat of pool. You'd love it. It's like going to like a reservation being like, I just want to, I want to live like the Native Americans. I want to live in a wigwam. And people are like, no, we live in houses on the reservation, you know? It's just like, it's just this very, I don't know.

It's very amusing to me. So this one has high ceilings. There's power. There's a solar ore generator. And she's like, so it's going to be quiet, right? There's no nightclubs. He's like, no, just the ocean. And she's like, well, it's a big change from London, you know.

And he's just nodding at her. He's like, Avatar. She goes, no, London. Okay. And she's like, because I'll hear traffic. All here, sirens. I'll hear people. It's like, blow, blow, blow, sirens, oh, helicopter.

Money, money, money, money. money falling out of pockets, money, you know what I mean? You know, spice girls, spice girls, royalty, royalty, you know what I'm saying, don't you? Notifications, iPhone notifications, you get it right? He's like, mm-hmm. He's like, lady, you're the one who brought TV cameras to this island, not me. Yeah. So, yeah, there's a sink, there's running water, the toilet flushes.

I mean, I'm like, this is kind of a no-brainer. Like, this is the house you should take. And on top of that, it's a beach. Yeah, because it's still not. I get still, it's going to take some work to get used to living there. You know what I mean? Like, she could get some cred. She could feel some street cred, I think, living there.

Like, ease yourself into it, I say. And then she's like, well, she's like, oh, well, the stove kind of works. I mean, that's nice. Listen, I'm used to living in luxury homes where there's fully staffed. There's a chef and everything. I don't like to cook. Can I get food delivered here? Okay.

You know what? You're about to just get kicked out. Do you guys have post mates here? Now, if I want to Uber into town, do you have Uber boats as well? Or is that, no, not, not. Now, I have a question. Now, listen, I'm one of those people who just, yeah, I'm just one of those people. Listen, I just use Grindr for the friendships.

You've got grinder here. How close is the closest to go? It's like, no. Well, you were at the club just before, so. Um, so he's like, he's like, no, we don't do food delivery. You have to cook your own food. Oh, okay. Well, it's a beautiful big spice, but maybe too big to look after. I just want to rest. That's all I want to do. Lady. I just want to lie down. All right. Clean your house. Keep it dirty. So we go over all the three houses. One was the middle of the mountain. One is kind of the middle of the road between these two. It's like not the fanciest, but it's not the most pioneer like. And then house number three, which is like the, you know, McMansion. So she's like, I think same things because I'm an expat.

It would just be easier for everyone if I'm moving to an expat silent. It would be easier on your neighbors. It would be easier on Sam. It would be easier on emergency services because I know that you're going to be calling every time you hear a noise in the backyard. Yes, exactly. And so Justin's like, well, you know, you said it wouldn't take much time for a bathroom. And he's like, yeah, no, they can build very quickly in Vanuati time.

You know, it's like a week. She's like, Hmm, sounds like a month. Well, after years of being on call 24-7 as a nurse and nanny, Justine is tired enough to pull a rip-fan winkle, a pathetic old man who slept through all of his life. She's like, I just want to sleep. She's decided to get away from it all on Aori Island,

but after several options, will she treat herself with plumbing and neighbors or go totally up the grid? Sam's like, well, what do you think about that ocean view shack? Well, it's a million dollar view. And he goes, yeah, and for $200,000, very cheap. But no noise and no neighbors, it's definitely a bit far from the beach, though. And I'd really like to try it.

I'll challenge myself to leave off the grid. However, no bathroom. That's a lot off the grid. So basically, he's like, please take the modern house. And she's like, I bet you'd like that wouldn't you see him? He's like, but, you know, there's a flushing toilet. there's a solar generator and she's like

oh no I can't be rain neighbors I can't do it I mean I understand on some element that like the last thing you want is you just want your peace and quiet if you have like a neighbor who's loud or a neighbor who's coming by to knock on the door you just don't want to deal with them

I do actually get that but also like bathrooms I don't know toilets that flush that's kind of what I that's what I'd be into I don't know she's asking if there's like postmate You know what I mean?

Like, she's not ready to live the life she wants. It's hard living out alone where there's nobody, you know? Yeah. So she basically is like, you know, well, it doesn't really feel off-grid, and it's not traditional. And I came here to learn how to live like a local and pretend I'm a traditional ban of what to win, even though I'm a crazy white lady who has Birken socks and tried to roll a bag on the beach. So I think I'm going to choose the traditional home. So she does. She chooses the middle of the road one.

And then we see it later. Three months later, she's like, my new life is better than I could imagine. At first, I was scared. I was petrified. Didn't know how I was going to live with that sand by my side. But look at me now. Hanging clothes on a clothes line. It's pretty amazing, isn't it?

And we see her filling up the toilet and everything. One thing we do not see is what the inside of her house looks like, which makes me upset. We just see her filling up her toilet. She's like, but I have a pretty solid routine that I stick to like it up. I start the generator. I turn the water pump on, turn the tank on, start filling the buckets for whatever I need, take a poop,

then I turn the generator off, take the bucket out, refill it, then I'm ready to go to the bathroom again, so I'll turn the generator back on, fill up the bucket again, poverty in the toilet. You know, do that pretty much all day. It's just a lot of filling up that toilet all day long.

So then she says she eventually did get bored and started an online nanny business. So she has figured out internet and electricity. Yeah, but like, oh my goodness, I would hate to work her business because she says she lasted a month, only one month of being off the grid. And then she goes, I opened up a nanny business that I do that. I do that online when I have power. And I have had a lot of time to sleep and reflect and relax. So good luck getting your email returned,

people who work at this business. Because you know, it's always like, sorry, I didn't have power for a week. I'm sorry, your kids were left at the fair. Oh, I'm sorry. I wouldn't have helped it, but I just didn't have power for a few hours. Sorry about that. Absolutely. Not. No way. Not working for this. Crazy, crazy times. Well, thanks everyone so much for listening. Thank you again, Lucy, for the recommendation for this crazy episode. Email us at watchworkrapins at gmail.com with the subject header as Dwell Hello suggestion with your ideas of Dwell Hello episodes that we should be covering on the show. And we will catch you on the next one. Bye, everyone. Well, hello.