Watch What Crappens - Dwell Hello #421: Worry and Wine in New Zealand

Episode Date: October 17, 2024

A gay couple moves to wine country to begin a long distance relationship. Will they find the perfect place to live apart?  This recap is of House Hunters International S159 E10 Worry and Wine in New Zealand and we found it on Max.Find bonus episodes at patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens and follow us on Instagram @watchwhatcrappens @ronniekaram @benmandelker Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Well, hello, and welcome to Dwell Hello. I'm Ronnie, and that's Ben. Hello, Ben. Hi, Ronnie. How are you? I'm great. It's another week and another House Hunters' international episode. This one is from Season 159 and it's episode 10, and that's according to Max, because every channel has different season and episode number, so don't pay attention to that.

Pay attention here to the title. When you search it, search in max with this title. Worry and wine in New Zealand. And this was recommended by Heather. So thank you, Heather. If you want to recommend any episodes of house hunters, house hunters international, house hunters, whatever, just send it to us at watch what crapans at gmail.com with the subject line, dwell hello suggestion.

And we will, you know, look it over. We'll be like, oh, my God, look what was suggested. Well, I really want to thank Heather because I really enjoyed this episode. I thought it was hilarious watching just so many unsaid, rageful things happening between this couple. This is not a couple that's going to last. I'm going to tell you that right now. I don't know. They've been together eight years, right?

True. But it seems like there's a lot of hidden frustrations, you know, or unspoken frustration. Well, I have to say, Kevin, and I'm not just saying this, you know, I know it's probably more problematic because he is gay, but he has a stick up his house. That's it. He even walks like he's got to stick up his ass. Every time they show him walking, he's like walking with the stick up his ass. Now, here's the thing. He's got the craziest thing going on in that he smiles literally the whole time.

And that's dangerous. People like that can be dangerous. We've all worked with someone. We all worked with Kevin's in an office who comes up to you and goes, hi, yes, you know, I hope you had a wonderful weekend. I did notice that you didn't email me back this morning, so I've, you know, escalated this for a review. You know, he's like he is evil.

We really enjoy you being here. You were doing such a great job here. Unfortunately, this is your last day. And it's been great having you. Thanks so much for coming in. Bye. Did you just fire me? Yeah, this guy, he is like every evil waiter you've dealt with.

He is every evil barista. He's just smiling and quietly dismissing you. Yes, and he's doing it all in a very flowy, like, Northern California jacket or like sweater. And it's very much like, I'm going to be a wine person now. It's that kind of sweater. And it's very, it's very California, fuck you. You know, there is a certain California air. Everybody knows it.

You know, in New York, they always say, people will say fuck you to your face. And in California, they say it with a big smile and they'll say something else. You know, like, oh, gosh, you just keep working at it. Surely you'll get there soon. Well, you know, like instead of calling you a fucking failure. And that's this guy, this flowy fucking Palo Alto jacket. Not even Palo Alto, because that's like Mac, right? It's like Santa Cruz.

I'm trying to say, like, yeah. It's like Carmel. But also to compound how evil he is, is that he has a, he's shaved his head. And, you know, when people shave their heads, they usually look a certain sort of way. Different, it connotes different things. But with him, for some reason, the way he shaved his head, he really reads like a monk. And so the fact that he's kind of giving monk vibes with his long, flowy jacket. and then smiling with this like cold,

rageful smile. It's just the, I'm presenting like I am peaceful and that I'm tranquil and that I care about your feelings. But the way I'm acting is, it's my way or the highway. And if you disagree with me, I'm going to make your life hell.

Yes. And we always warn on this show about people who are too overly positive because it's usually hiring serial killer vibes. And I think that is definitely the case here. I just think that, you know, of course, do yoga and stuff like that and like meditate of course they're peaceful people but people who

overdo it and make it their whole personality like guys guess what i did today meditate is because they need it so fucking bad they were on the edge you know what i mean like it's not heroin it's not that thing that they were doing before it's not murdering babies whatever the thing was that they were doing before that they've stopped this is the way that they've stopped this is the tool they're using and a lot of times it's just like a hanging on it's like oh i did a down dog still on a down dog what do you doing? What are you doing? I can stand on my head. I can stand on my head. It's like with the second they don't, they'll fucking kill somebody. You know what I mean? I wish we had the video for this because the way you just demonstrated that with your hands.

It's amazing. All right, let's get into it. So we're seeing this Kevin and Simon. They're drinking some wine. They're in a wine bar and Kevin's like, you've got a better nose. What are you smelling? There's only one right answer. If you get it wrong, then I'm not making dinner for you for the next week. And also I thought, well, look how sweet this guy is with his flowy sweater and his nice smile and he's just telling his partner like, well, you have the better nose. I was like, oh my gosh, this guy's so sweet. But I'm the one who's not the bullshit. It's like, whoa, Kevin. I know. Simon's like, actually, I smell chickpea and And do you just farted out your chickpea sandwich from lunch today, honey.

Okay, I'm talking about the wine. And I told you not to eat that. And here we are, smelling it in a wine bar. Thanks. So you're basically smelling the remnants of, I told you so. How's that smell? Like that. You know what I just ate a sandwich.

It's called Kevin knows best on rye. So Linda, the narrator, says, newlyweds Kevin and Simon are moving from Canada to New Zealand to pursue their dream careers. In the wine industry, W-H-I-N-E, get it? Kevin says, yeah, I was fortunate enough to find work as a vineyard supervisor. And I found a great job, but it's actually quite away from here. So we're going to be living apart on different islands, and this is definitely going to be a temporary thing.

I'm not going to be living on a separate island just to slowly get away from this terrifying person. It's completely temporary. I had definitely not planned to make sure I had a gulf of water between me and Kevin. That was purely an accident and a coincidence that that happened. I was not my master plan in moving to New Zealand. So Kevin's full-time home will also be Simon's weekend retreat, and each has different demands. And so now we see them outside of a house talking about like, is it great? good or is it not good?

And, well, you don't get a choice. This is my house. I was like, oh, well, we're kind of asking for two opposites, but I'm known to be difficult at times. And at this point, I was like, no, you're not. Look how sweet you are. You're not difficult at all. So now we're in Marlborough, the Marlborough District of New Zealand, where Kevin and Simon

are walking through a park holding hands. Because you know, Kevin's like, why aren't you holding my hand? I think that actually as a, I think that if you really want to show your love, you would hold my hand right now. And the fact that you're uncomfortable holding my hand in front of these sheep speaks to a larger gulf that we have in our love right now. So if you want to hold hands on camera, I recommend that we do. So Kevin's like, wow, it doesn't even feel like autumn at all at here. Really? Doesn't it?

Well, one would be getting snow back home at this time. I guess that's true. Oh, he hates him. And I can kind of see why, because Simon's just like a lump. He's not responsive. Kevin's like, we should talk about the weather. And Simon's like, you're wrong about the weather. Just trying to have a nice conversation.

You're fucking ruining it. Kevin's like, so we've been together for seven years. We met online. And just from sort of the first moment that we met each other, We went for a long walk in downtown Vancouver. And yeah, that was that was kind of it. I remember him saying, wow, this is a really long walk. And I said, isn't it great?

And he said, I need to do a thing, wash my hair. And I said, no, you don't. We're going to continue this walk. And I feel like in some ways he's been trying to get out of that walk ever since. But I won't let him because I love him. I remember we were walking and it was raining. And I said, oh my God, it's raining. And he said, is it?

And I thought, this person is so stupid. Can't wait to be with him forever. And they lived happily ever after ever since then. Well, not really happily. More like they've just lived together and talked about when it snows and when it could possibly snow. But they have a bold dream of growing the entire time. In Canada, I'm a licensed in Balmer and funeral home manager. I love working in funeral service.

God, so many Simons. just you know nothing really left to offer the world just kind of lying there staring at me with dead fish eyes you know I love working in funeral service but it's very tiring I'm like you're not allowed to complain

when you're someone just died it's so tiring it's just I mean working on so many people in the lying down position really makes you want to take a nap sometimes. Do what I mean?

But I have learned how to modulate my emotions from all those dead people. So Simon's like, in our project, manage and build restaurants across Canada. After 12 years of working for the same company, I want to make a big change and move by myself to New Zealand. But unfortunately, Kevin was like, no, you're not. So not so much the big change I was looking for, but a change nonetheless. So he goes, yeah, well, wine is something that we've learned together in our relationship. So neither of us were into wine before.

You know, asked me what my nose smelled, formaldehyde. I mean, what else? It really gets into your hair. But you know what? So wine is something that really represents the two of us as a couple because we decided we have nothing in common. So we have to forge a hobby together so we can explain why we're in this relationship in the first place. And here we are. And you can tell they're kind of new to wine because everything they have, they're like,

waving their hands in front of their face. Like, oh, stretching. Is there a spit cup? It's a glass of wine, honey. They weren't sure how to pursue their wine ambitions, but then inspiration struck. Let's just buy a winery. Sorry, sorry, then. They should buy a winery.

My sister married a Kiwi. My sister married a Kiwi, and she moved to New Zealand. And they started having children. So then shortly after, my parents decided to move to New Zealand. And then we see a clip of them with their parents, and they're holding orange cocktails. They're like, hello. And then Kevin and I were feeling a bit left out. So we traveled to New Zealand as well.

And while we were there, we toured quite a bit in the main wine regions. And I remember one day, Kevin said, God, it's so hot out here. And I said, it's not at all. And then he pinched the underside of my flab on my arm so hard that I still. have a little, little mark there. Very sweet times. So now we are in the, we're in the South Island, and we learn that this is like Marlborough is like the country's largest wine producer. And so Simon is like, you know, it's just a five-hour ferry ride away from my family. So they're close enough that they can come for weekends. So Kevin and I decided to make the decision

to move to New Zealand and follow our dream. And my dream, of course, was to be around my family, who I love dearly and to see Kevin once in a while after a five-hour theory when you have someone to laugh at him with too sad I mean

don't get me wrong I love I love Kevin I love walking down streets and listening to him talk about when it's going to snow it fills my heart with so much delight

anyway I'm going to get on that five-hour fairy to see my family now goodbye and Kevin's like well I was fortunate enough to find work at a corporate vineyard. So that's great. Marlborough really wasn't what we expected in terms of Simon's career. We just haven't really been able to find anything for him.

So, you know, Simon, I'm like the only person that literally would choose him. That's being proven over and over again as he searches for jobs. Yeah, so I had to revert back to my original career managing restaurant construction and unfortunately the restaurants are banned from being built in the south island so i can only be on the north island and i found a great job with a small hitch that it's not in marlborough so you know it's on the south side of the north island when he's on the north side of the south island is everyone following this either way the point is this i'm staying as far away from kevin as possible not because it's because i love him so much it's that way i can love him even more when i see him for one day a week so now we go to the restaurant with them meeting

with their realtor. She's like, Oh, hello. Nice to finally meet you guys in the real flesh. I love it. Gaze, hey? How's it going for you?

You know, Marlborough's known for its wine industry. So there's a lot of people looking for vineyard rentals, which is what Simon would quite like, but it would be really, really rural. And I don't know how Kevin would feel about that. He's going to be on his own. And, you know,

I don't know how big the grinder situation is out there. So we're going to just have to think about things differently. Well, I'm going to be. living with my family during the week, but I want a nice weekend home. I want to have a beautiful place right in the vines. Well, for now, I'm going to be living on my own, so I don't want to be far from neighbors and things, and there's still discussions to be had, right? Isn't that fun? Can you wait to have discussions? I know I can't. When he said that, that sounds like, oh my God, this guy's evil, because he was like, there's still discussions to be had. And he

smiled and looked at Simon, like, aren't there? You don't get to proclaim anything on my behalf, okay? I don't think that this guy's evil at all. I mean, I think that he wants to murder Simon, but I think Simon's pretty murderable, because Simon's just like, oh, we should go follow our dreams. Whoops. I'll be living an hour away with mummy and daddy, who you know that this guy hates that Simon's always like, Mommy and Daddy, can we take a selfie and send it to mum? She can't wait to see what. He's like, obviously such a mama's boy. And this guy's like, really? So now we're moving out here and I have to live alone and you're going to have all this family. And you've been wanting to go live with your fucking mother anyway.

Why don't you just go fucking go home? All right. I can already imagine their fights. And then Simon's just like, it's only temporary. And Kevin's like, yeah, great. So now I'm going to have to clean a house for your mother to come staying every weekend. Fuck you. Kevin clearly dislikes the parents massively.

I do agree that it sucks because he's like, fine. I'll move to New Zealand. But then it's like, oh, we're moving there. And then I'm all alone. And that's why Simon has to say repeatedly, well, it's only going to be temporary. It's only temporary. But that being said, Kevin, it's clearer that Kevin calls the shots. And the only way that Simon could make any decisions is if he's like, oops, it was an accident.

Oh, well, guess I'm committed to this. I wouldn't have done this if I had known. So Kevin's constantly like, we'll have to discuss this later. Not when we're on TV. I'm like, ooh, you're guys going to have a fight. Yeah. So why are you always making me look like a goddamn bitch on TV in front of other people? So we see the Chiron that says about 50,000 people reside in the numerous small towns scattered throughout the Marlboro district.

And so they're talking about what they want. Kevin wants something for $1,100 a month. Which is nuts when you see some of the places that they're seeing. Wow. I'm going to move there. What a beautiful place to be able to live for $1,100 a month. That's nuts. It's wonderful.

So Simon wants two to three bedrooms so that way guests can stay. and Kevin's like, um, but I have to clean all of it while he's living on the North Island. So I'm looking for a, I'm looking for a one bedroom closest, close-ish to town. So I've got some community feel, but I also really like the rural feel down here. By the way, he's like, Simon wants to have some bedrooms that way his family can visit. And Kevin's like, but then I have to clean it. And the whole episode, he's always like, but the maintenance is so high. I'm like, you know you're not cleaning those bedrooms every single day of the week. It's like, only when visitors are coming into town, right? He might, though. And I feel like Simon's parents are going to be, lovely, thank you so much for having us. Goodbye, and just leave everything dirty, you know? And he's going to be like, okay, so Mondays and Tuesdays

are spent cleaning up after your fucking slobby parents. So thanks a lot. I don't know. Something has me on his side. I don't know what it is. Like Simon seems nice, but he says mom and dad and his family too often for my taste. I'd be like, are you dating me or your mother? Oh, Kevin, I think the reason why I don't like Kevin of the two is because I feel like I've gone to dinner parties and I've seen Kevin talk to his partner this way.

And then it's just like awkward. And you're like, oh, yeah, that's true. Pass the broccoli. You know, it's like, um, actually we didn't agree on that, but we'll talk about that later. It's fine. Yeah. Oh, they're going to fight. Yeah.

So, yeah, he really, Kevin wants something like really, really. he likes the rural feel, which is funny because he also wants to be close to people, but he likes rural. Well, rural means close to people to them, which is weird. That's something different. Well, it's not weird, but it's different for us. Because to us, rural means out in the boondocks, there's nobody there. But to them, it means you're closer to people. So I don't know. But, yeah, he wants something where he's around people and he can see other people and he wants a tiny place. And Simon wants a three bedroom so his parents can come stay and they can party together. And Simon wants something that looks modern. And Kevin's like, hmm, yeah, kind of asking for two opposites.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. You know Simon doesn't quite realize that we're looking for my house. So he's looking for his sort of dream vacation property on weekends. But let me just highlight that again. My house. Well, realtor Rachel loves him. And she's going to be on his side and do whatever she can for this guy. She loves Kevin.

She's like, all right. So we're driving towards the town of Blenheim. You're the main city in Marlborough. You're within walking distance to your shops that you get your milk and your bread. So as you'll see, Kevin, you're not going to be so isolated, are you? There's going to be people for Kevin to talk to you here. Simon, you be quiet. We need people to talk to Kevin.

Look at Paul Kevin. He's already feeling alone. Kevin. That's a lonely sweater, Kevin. You want a hug. Give me a hug, Kevin. Plenty of options on Grindr for when Simon's away. And Kevin's like, okay, that's great.

Thank you so much. So they go to house number one in this 25,000 person town of Blenheim. And it's like, okay, it's a three-bedroom, one bathroom. And Simon's like, I like, oh, I like the three bedrooms. It's like more for me to clean. And Rachel's like, ha, ha, ha, ha, oh, this is awkward already. They're going to have a flight as soon as I leave, aren't they? So this is 1150.

and house number one, town villa, three bed, one bath, walkable to town. And so Kevin's like, well, I mean, that's a little bit over, but I mean, it's not too bad. I'd pay over just not to have to smell Simon's parents every morning. So you haven't anything with maybe a property that's nine blocks away or more for Kevin's parents to stay? I mean, I like the area, you know, where the house is in terms of proximity to shops and walkability. And it's definitely got a lot of curb appeal unlike Simon. and, you know, it's really, really lovely. So they walk in and...

Well, Simon does have kind of a curb appeal. He has a curb stamp appeal before we said that. Did I say that part out loud? I meant to say that after the camera's wrong. Sorry, yeah, sorry. So they walk in, they're looking around and everything. It's bright. And then Simon's like, oh, there's a window next to the bed.

You can just see the neighbors and everything. And then Kevin, this is, to me, like the cold, one of the coldest moments of the episode. Kevin goes, without really looking. looking at Simon, he could just look sort of away and goes, yeah, well, that's being in town and just walks out of the room. Yeah, like, duh, we're in the town. He's like, we discussed this. I want to be in town, and this is part of it. So stop complaining.

He just has the biggest smile on his face, too. He's like, that's called being in town. Yeah. Well, then we've got bedroom number two as well, and you've got the two separate beds in there. Just, you know, in case you're having days like you are today. Don't be nice. I was like, that's good flexibility. Oh, by the way, that's one thing no one's ever said about Simon.

So there's two singles in here. Simon looks like us soon. Two singles. Oh, come on over here to the third bedroom. This is my vision board? Kevin pushes on the bed and goes, well, this bed is really hard. Something I've never said about Simon's chest. Or really my dick recently.

So he's like, yeah, this pet's really hard. He's like, really? Well, and the neighbors are very close. Yeah, we've gone over that, Simon. Remember that? Remember that big powwow we had in the last bedroom? Yeah. Remember when I said, yeah, remember when I said,

it's living in town, dot, dot, dot, and I sort of walked off and I let you sit in the emptiness of my comment. Yeah. So now we go see the living room. And Kevin thinks it's very warm and cozy. and he really likes the wood-burning stove because it adds a nice atmosphere to the room. Simon's like, I could really see us sitting here

with a fire going in a nice bottle of wine. And Kevin's like, absolutely. With my mom and dad, God damn, fuck you. So Simon really loves it because, you know, it's big. And I don't know, even if you love your parents, nobody wants a one-bedroom when someone else's parents are staying over. Like I'm not sharing a bathroom with your parents. I'll hang out with your parents.

I love, especially you. I mean, we're not together, but I love your parents. I would be great. I'd share a house with your parents. Not a bathroom. Right. This is, I know, this is. Or you.

I wouldn't share a bathroom with you either. I know this is a, this is a, definitely a sore point for the bathroom situation, sharing it with me. Yeah. Or anybody. By the way. Just sharing it. Yeah. No, no, I get it.

Simon, to his credit, he gets in a nice little dig on Kevin. He's like, he tells us, well, I'm not. too sure while Kevin is reluctant to three bedrooms. I mean, I think it's just the emotional side of how he's going to feel when he's here on his own after a tough day at working, coming through. But he constantly tells me how independent he is, so I'm not worried about that. It's where I'm being like, well, you always say how independent you are. So why don't you put your money where your mouth is? Yeah, deal with it. So now they check out the kitchen, and Kevin's like, oh, I do love the table. It's got a sort of rustic charm that I like. Have

you seen my sweater? Yeah. That's what I'm trying to convey. So I like it. I feel like I basically, I secreted this. I put it out into the universe with my sweater and now I've got a rustic table. This is crazy. The kitchen itself is very sterile, though. So sorry. Did I talk it up too much? Yeah, I hate it. This kitchen is very cold and antiseptic and lacks emotion and feeling and warmth. It's very much like us. It's a very us kitchen. So Simon's like, well, I think there's a lot of space for us to cook in here. But it does feel like it doesn't feel like it has any personality, like the warmth in the living room. It just doesn't carry in here at all.

At all. Yeah. So Rachel's like, okay. Can I show you a fucking house? Like seriously, have you heard of home goods? Buy some curtains and some throw pillows. Okay? Yeah.

The house isn't supposed to fucking hug you. Is it big enough for you to like shit and eat? Great. Take it. It's that easy. So, yeah, he keeps on saying how there's just like no, no personality and everything. And he goes, you know, I'm going to be here five out of every seven days. I'll be on my own.

So I need to feel comfortable. So he's really playing that card. Oh, for Christ. For God's sake, being alone, God forbid you're alone for five days. You're going to survive this, okay? So then now they go to see the bathroom. And it has a separate toilet as well, which I like. It's like a little water closet, but I like that.

He says, look at this, a separate toilet. And Kevin goes, oh, so someone could be showering and the toilet is still free. I'm like, wait a second. I don't want you coming in to use the toilet while I'm showering. Also, like, if you're, if I'm showering, I don't want your mom coming in to go to the toilet also. Like, actually, I don't mind so much you're going to toilet. I don't want you taking a dump while I'm taking a shower specifically. Right.

So then, what do you guys think overall? And Simon's like, love it. Three bedrooms, great prize. It's a big plus for me. I mean, my mom can come. I'm not a big fan of the neighbors being quite so close. I'm not sure why that would be it rural. So. Yeah, I'm the exact opposite. I feel like I'm rattling around in a big house all day by myself and there's just so much to keep up with. Oh, clean, clean, clean, clean. But that's okay because you're independent, right? Remember last night when you said, I don't want to go there. I'm a an independent bitch. And I said, that's right. I keep forgetting Mr. Independent over here. So surely that won't bother you that you're here, quote unquote, rattling around, right? So he's like, but if we have overseas visitors, it'll be great because there's lots of room.

And Kevin goes, yeah, any hotels in the area? I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. And so she's like, they're both clear on what they want, but they're very, very different. Kevin's the one that'll be alone, but it's going to be both of theirs. So it's going to be interesting to see who gets to win. It was on top, if you will. It's going to be me. It's me. I'm telling you this right now, Rachel, it's fucking me. So now they are blonde bowling, and Simon is like, say, what do you reckon to win it takes a bottle home? Kevin's like, you're stupid. I don't even want to play this game with you. So Simon and Kevin have chased their wine-making

dreamed in New Zealand, but their jobs have them spending the work week in different cities pondering the distance they have grown in each other's lives. I think that when you're just a year under your marriage, you just, you don't see yourselves living separately. Certainly not what I signed up for. But shouldn't be a problem since you're allegedly independent. You just keep on playing that card, right? Mm-hmm. Great. Well, I tend to be the more, more, more. emotionally driven person. And Simon tends to be the planner and the project manager of everything. So that's

going to be rough. He's a project manager and then I'm the note giver. I give the notes on all of the projects that he plans and tells him how stupid they are. It's such a great team. It's going to be weird. I mean, what am I going to go around? Just tell the third bedroom that it's not really performing

the way that the team needs it to. So Kevin does win lawn bowling. And he goes, Mm-hmm. Yep. So I'm still trying to decide what wine I want you to buy me. So Simon talks about how they moved in. So they've been together for eight years and Kevin moved in after a month of dating, which is like, you didn't even have to tell me that. I could tell. This was a couple that I got together because they were buying the fantasy. They don't actually like each other. And so they've never been apart. And now they're on different islands. So no wonder why Kevin. is having a melt, like a passive aggressive melt on right now, because he totally does not know how to be alone. And Simon's like, well, you know, I'm going to be living with my family.

Have I said my family enough? Let me just roll the tape. My family. My family. Do you have enough takes to that? God, I love my fucking family. Oh, but I'm just not going to worry about Kevin feeling abandoned because, you know, it's a great means to an end. So I'm going to follow this great opportunity to save my money and we're going to have a great future together.

And guess what? On top of everything, Mother's Day gifts are going to be so much more lux now. God, I can't wait to see my mother. Just reading this thing here, doesn't this give you an insight into what this relationship really is? So Kevin moved in a month after dating. They never spend time apart. So what it basically means is that Simon is just doing the Simon thing, he has his friends, whatever. All of a sudden, Kevin comes along.

And Kevin is like now omnipresent. You know, anytime you invite Simon over, Kevin has to come along. And Kevin just sits there and smiles and doesn't say anything. And he sits right next to Simon. You know, he always has to sit next to Simon at the table. And it's always Kevin, Kevin, Kevin. And then Simon's like, you know, Kevin, I think it's time for you to develop your own friends. He goes, what are you talking about?

I'm very, I have my own friends. Like, well, maybe you should work on being independent. I am independent. I'm actually very, very independent. You don't have to worry about that with me. Like, it all makes sense now. I see all their fights. I see their entire relationship.

I see their social life. Blup. Ben, did you get my text? See? Ben got my text. We're friends. We all know these relationships. We've all endured them. So Kevin's like, well, but for now it's my house. And so I have a slightly different perspective. We'll see who gives them first. So now they're driving to the next house. And so Simon's talking about how he's going to be living in North of Wellington. with his family. He's like, you know, I'm going to be living with my family. We keep joking that I'm going to have a weekend place in the wine country. Isn't that funny? Kevin, you being relegated down to some distant land that I visit occasionally for fun? Isn't that funny, Kevin? So now they go see a place

in Renwick. And Kevin's like, well, I've heard about Renwick. Some of my colleagues live out there. So we're basically best friends. Me, my colleagues, can't wait to hang out with my bros and my wine bros and be, hey, happy Monday. What's, what's up your nose today? Because, you know, we embalmed. Oh, yeah. I thought it was embalming humor. It works in both ways. So, I misunderstood myself on that one, but I got back with myself. They always say, if you have to explain your own joke to yourself, it's not a good joke. How dare you? To myself. How dare you? How dare you other self. My joke was

perfectly fine, other self. What are you talking about? When does that fairy come in again? Did you just call me a fairy? My other self to live on another island. On sore, Rachel. He does this sometimes. So,

they go check out this place. It's a one bedroom, one bathroom. and Simon goes, that's not good. One bedroom. Kevin's like, oh, well, look at that. Oh, my gosh. Congratulations. We're passing a motel. So there's somewhere for your family to stay.

So Rachel's like, oh, I feel like, Simon, I feel like he's not going to like this place. He's not going to go be able to have his family here, but it's perfect for Kevin. It's everything he ever wanted, which is a space for him to just put up embalming liquids. I don't know. So Kevin's like,

I don't know what he does this free time, to be honest. So they go in, check it out. It's really tiny. And Kevin's like, I love it. It's so tiny. And I love the front door. It's such a beautiful color. Gosh, I hate, I hate wooden things that aren't the colors that I like.

Because how would you change them? You know what I love? I love a door that matches my sweater. Isn't it so great that there's a house that they said, let's find a door that is exactly the accent color of my cuff. I think this is a winner. And it's so rural. And it doesn't, we're close to people, but it doesn't feel like it.

So this is the orchard cottage, one bedroom, one bath, walkable to town, very rural, very rural and affordable. That's rural and affordable. It's rural. It's rural. Yeah. So someone's like, well, I'm really concerned about the one bedroom because I obviously was looking for somewhere for my family to I just want someone in the house that I can enjoy. And Kevin's like, well, the one bedroom is pretty good for me, though.

It just means I'll be able to maintain the property on my own. You know, that extra one bedroom where no one's actually in ever, that's just a lot for me to handle. Yeah. So this one's 1,000, which is crazy that the other one was three bedrooms for 1150, and this one's 150 less, and it's one bedroom. So a big difference there. And so he goes, oh, yeah, the money that we say. you can use to pay for your parents to get a hotel room. Jesus.

What did these people do to you? You know they're going to watch this later, right? Well, you know, they're probably like, Simon, is it okay if we, like, you don't bring Kevin to every single thing? You know that Kevin is very territorial, and he clashed with the mom, and it is drama between the two of them.

Well, they probably both tried to wipe Simon's, like the food off Simon's face at the same time or something. Well, I'm sure Simon's mom makes some sort of like mashed potato pie. And Kevin's like, look, I did it too. I took your recipe, but I just made it better. Here it is. And the mom's like, get these little pricked. I like taking things from old people and improving upon them.

You know, it's just a good way to show them that they're leaving the world in a better place. They can go now. I can help. I have the tools. Do you want me to show you? Do you want to pick out your makeup for when you do go? because I'll be there looking down at you as all of the liquids from your body are slowly drained into my sink.

You know he makes... Good bonding moment, eh, Mom? You know, he makes, like, half those cadavers look like the lady from the Drew Carey show if he doesn't like them. This bitch, this bitch, I didn't like the way she looked at my man. I'm giving her blue eye shadow for everyone to see. I don't know what I'm saying. That's funny.

He gets all petty with dead people. It's like I didn't like the way she looked at me. Well, she's dead. So stop looking to me with those dead eyes. See how your funeral turns out. So they go look at stuff. And Kevin's like, well, it feels compact. But that's something I was looking for.

Because Simon's not into it. And he goes, well, I mean, it's small, but it's, you know, just trying to find another way. Let me say, it's just very small. It's a tiny place. Okay, I heard you. And guess what? Guess what I was hoping for? A tiny place.

So I could look after it myself. Look at me. Dusting things right now. I'm done. I'm done. I can watch TV now. I'm kind of surprised that he's trying to put his foot down about this tiny little cottage with his tiny little foot. When Kevin and I were discussing living apart to him, temporarily, he agreed that we both wanted

beautiful home with more than enough space that we can just relax and kind of reconnect with on the weekends, not some sort of coffin-shaped thing that makes him feel like his back at his old job. Yeah. And so then they see the kitchen and dining and Kevin's like, oh, gas cook top. Love it. So when Simon's asleep, I could just kind of leave this on to sneak out the back door. Just kidding. Just kidding. I love the wooden bench tops, though. It's much nicer than being sterile. And he's Simon accent. I'm sorry. I don't even know what I was going to say.

But Simon actually goes into the kitchen. He goes, wow, the kitchen is just so tiny. Yes, Simon. We get it, Simon, okay? You know, I can't fault Kevin. I mean, I can't fault Simon for Simon for wanting something a little bit larger because that was the dream when we came down here. And he's really wanting to hold on to that.

And in some ways, I am as well. except I've let it go because I've decided I actually never wanted in the first place, and I lied to him. But I have to be a little bit more pragmatic, a little bit more realistic about something that I can manage on my own terms of expenses and maintenance. I mean, you guys really don't understand how difficult it is to clean a room that's not being used for four weeks at a time. So now they check out the bedroom. Oh, beautiful French tourists. Look at that tiny ones. Simon! And look, there's a perfect view right over the mountains.

it just makes me feel so small, doesn't it? So tiny, if you will. Sime. I don't know. I think the bedroom actually feels quite big and spacious, so maybe you should actually. He's like, I'm going to gaslight you about the size of this bedroom right now. Yeah.

He's like, it's tawny. No, it's actually huge. I love the onsuit. There is no onsuit. Just look harder. It's there. If you look outside, you can see how big the world is. Doesn't that help?

No. You see a shelter. Within a world. Simon, broaden your horizons. I'm a wine person now, so. I guess that maybe to me it looks small because I'm imagining the two of us in this bedroom with my mom and dad sleeping on a cot over there in the corner.

How will we fit a bed big enough to get mum in it? Simon, how many times I have to tell you there's a holiday inn a mile away? Yeah. So Simon just keeps, he's like, I love the views. It's so small. Wow. The views are beautiful, but such tiny windows to look at them from. I've got to kill you.

But there's no one in me. He's like, yeah, but there's a motel. I love that he just keeps saying motel over and over. He's like, you know what my favorite thing about this house is? The motel. That's great. So now we go to a wine bar and the Somali is like, have you been here before? Giverman goes, oh, yeah, we've been here a couple of times.

And thanks for remembering. That's fun. Yeah, we actually came down before we moved to New Zealand and took back some wine for a wedding. So, you know, you're welcome. We sacrificed having check-in. I mean, carry on for you. We had to check our bags with your shitty wine, by the way. So he's like, oh, that's great.

Okay, great. He's like, so they're talking about how they love wine. And Simon's like, you know, with wine, it's an emotional connection, something that we actually don't have in our relationship. And you can smell something or taste something in wine. and it brings you back to all memories. So like when I drink this wine, I think about the time that I was five minutes late from coming back from the grocery store and Kevin was having a meltdown in the kitchen saying, why were you late?

Why didn't you call me? You should let me know that I'll be left alone for five minutes, Mr. Quote, unquote, Independent. That was a great memory. Glad this wine brought me back there. And they hope to delve into the wine industry with their move to New Zealand. But unlike their favorite vintages, their plans have not aged well. I'm sorry to interrupt here, but unlike their favorite vintages and Simon's mother, they have not aged well. Thank you so much for including that aside narrator.

That really made my day. So, Simon, blah, blah, blah is about how, well, I'd never planned on getting married and then being stuck alone. And we know it's going to be temporary, right? But I'm honest. I'm quite concerned that he's leaving me. I was like, yes, I can't leave him. I have the safety net for my family, and he's going to be down in Marlborough on his own

in that god-awful sweater. Third house is still wearing it. Unfortunately, they're having a tough time deciding where exactly that time should be spent. So, realtor Rachel's like, well, you know, Simon and Kevin are on very different pages, and I have to say, this has been one of the most awkward house hunts I've ever done.

I mean, I'm really, I'm singing a therapist now. It's just two tents between the two of them. So now they go to the next house and they're heading to the vineyard for a home that matches their original dream that Simon is still clinging to, that poor sucker. And he's like, oh, look at this. I can't believe how many vines there are. Look at all the vines. Yes, I just want to add they're still clinging on to that original dream that marriage will fix all their problems. Okay, back to the vines.

So they come to this place and Kevin's like, well, this is a beautiful area, Rachel, you know, right in the vines. But at the same token, it's far away from everything. And he's basically feeling very isolated because there's no shops. There's nothing for him to do there. He's all alone by himself. Yeah. And I just, I mean, I get that, but I don't know. This is a gorgeous place.

It's gorgeous. And I just don't know what you do. Like, do you walk around to places and, be like, hi, I'm Kevin. Thank you, lady at the yarn shop. Great to meet you. I mean, I just don't know what this obsession with being around people. I mean, I don't know.

I've never done that. Yeah, I think he, like, I think he has some, I think he has, like, real abandonment issues. I think he's, like, really uncomfortable being alone. I think he's, like, this is his worst nightmare is to be in a big, beautiful house, but, like, you have to drive 10 minutes to see someone. And a new place where you don't know anybody and all this. I mean, I get why he's piss. Someone's like, have fun, I'll be with mom.

I still kind of get it. So they look at this house. This house is fucking gorgeous. It's the barn house, they call it. It's one of those that's like painted all black, you know, it's like a modern farmhouse. But it is really gorgeous. Very, very well done. This is it.

This is the one that you should go with. The downside to this one is that like there is another, like the second bedroom is sort of lofted. So that's sort of weird if you have guests. But honestly, not that much of a deal breaker, if you ask me. Yeah, but there's three bedrooms. So you don't even have to use that one. Yeah, there's three bedrooms too bad. Turn that into an office.

So this one is vineyard location, space for guests, high and design, expensive, far from town. And Kevin's like, oh, my God, this looks expensive. But unfortunately, I'm going to be the maid. So, no. She goes, yeah, Kevin goes, you know, there's a lot of, like, stainless steel and cement and surfaces. on here and concrete. And it does have a bit of a morgue feel. And I am, I do kind of like that.

I do work in the funeral industry after all. Yeah. So they check it out. Concrete bench top. Yeah, the morgue feel. And they go to look at the living room. And Kevin's like, wow, it's so nice. I mean, I see a bit of the theme with the house, Rachel.

Big entertaining kitchen, big entertaining dining room. I just can hear Simon's family laugh. and laughing in here for years to come. And then I can see myself taking a match and burning it all to the ground with them inside of it. And it's actually not so bad. I love the arc of this story. So Rachel's like, well, you know, Simon's in heaven. This is his perfect place. But Kevin is getting a little bit emotional about the size of it again. It's like, wow, rah, wow, wow. It's big. Well, I mean, I guess it is quite isolated. He could feel quite lost out here. You know, I'm not sure that there's many matches on Grindr out in this farm field here.

So Simon's basically, like, he's like, no, you're going to love this. Like, there's a, look, there's a secret bathroom. Perfect for you, Kevin. He's like, yeah, wonderful. So, of course, Simon loves it. He's like, it's perfect for me. And Kevin goes, well, you'd have your vineyard home. But I don't see any neighbors.

don't see any shops. All I see is loneliness. Wine is the loneliest number that you'll ever feel. Oh, God, please no. Fine. All right, fine. Let's go to the wine shop and discuss. So they do. And, of course, Simon fucking loves it. And Kevin goes, yeah, but you're coming to spend time with me, not spending time with a vineyard. Yeah. So they cross off the first house they saw, which was a perfectly fine house, but it was too close to neighbors. They didn't like that. And then, you know, Simon is pushing for that third house because it's gorgeous and it's in wine country. They want to be in wine country. There's space for the family. There's views. It's really a perfect house. But of course, it's too big for Kevin. God forbid. God forbid that he enjoys someplace. We didn't really talk about

even the second house. The second house was just kind of like a tiny little whatever. It was nice, nice enough, but it was really unremarkable if you asking me. But naturally, that's one they pick. Well, yeah, because I think it's, you know, I know he keeps saying it's near town. I guess I can see how that would be important. To me, it's weird because I just love

the big house. I like, I'm more of a house person because I'm in the house all the time, so what the fuck do I care? You know, but you know, I mean, I guess I get it. But I think there's kind of an underlying, like, I need to be around people because my life is still going to go on without you, Simon. And you better

hope that I don't meet somebody at a bookstore that is better than you because you're gone at your stupid job while you left me here alone well guess what I'm a fish in the sea and there are other fishermen so you better watch me there might be a little bit of that with Kevin and if so I say go for it keep them on his toes kid yeah I don't think this is a very this is this is a tough this is a tough thing I mean a five-hour ferry ride they're like oh it's just a five-hour ferry ride away I'm like that's not nothing extremely long

that's not like oh it's an hour away even two hours away five hours like that's like flying across the US you know I think

and every weekend or whatever yeah it doesn't take into account like maybe getting to the ferry leaving the ferry all that stuff so I'm like I don't see the weather

they'll just be like yeah it's not it's not running today and that's it you're gonna do I don't see this is, I think this is, I think this is a relationship in trouble. And I think that Simon, I think Simon taking a job on the North Island was not purely out of desperation. I think he wanted to get away from Kevin. And, um, but he's, he's not strong enough to tell Kevin that he wants

to end it. So he's going to let it Peter out that way. And he wants Kevin to pull the rip cord. That's my, that's my analysis of this couple. You're projecting a lot. I have, I've created a very elaborate backstory for them and I fully believe all of it. And Kevin's like, well, I know that one day, give me some basil, please. We'll be living together again. But for now, I think our relationship is stronger than that. No, Basil, not Parsley, you fucking, better than ever. And that is Dwell Hello for this week.

Thank you so much, Heather, for sending that one in. I really enjoyed witnessing the frostiness. in this couple. It was a real thrill for me. Great times. Thank you for being here, everybody. We will talk to you next time. Bye.

Bye.