Watch What Crappens - Dwell Hello # 422: Piano Makes Three in NYC

Episode Date: November 2, 2024

This week’s Dwell Hello follows a House Hunters episode (S164 E03) about a man and a piano. Will he find space to fit it? Will he be murdered by future neighbors? Lets find out!Find bonus episodes at patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens and follow us on Instagram @watchwhatcrappens @ronniekaram @benmandelker Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

And everybody, well, hello and welcome to Dwell. Hello. This is Ronnie and Ben from Watchwood Crapins here to talk about a little bit of house hunters today. Hi, Ben. How are things going with you? Things are going great. Thank you. How are they going with you? Good. Today's was suggested by actually a lot of people. I guess this was just airing recently, and a lot of you wrote in to suggest this episode. And listen, We don't have to be asked 10 times. Nine is good, and we're in.

This episode is called Piano Makes Three in NYC. If you want to find this episode to watch along or watch first or after, however you like to do it, you just go to Max and you search the title, Piano Makes Three in NYC, and it will pop up as a House Hunter's episode. So thanks to everybody for giving it to us. We open with possibly one of the most annoying off-the-bat people, simply because this is how he opens the show. Oh, shut up.

You know, save it for the stage, sir. Yes, this is Jonathan, and he's singing opera. And Linda, our narrator, comes in and says, Jonathan, an opera singer, is ready to buy his first place in Manhattan. And along on the journey is his future roommate and future person who will be gouging out their eardrums, Melinda. And future, might I add, never going to be his wife, so stop trying. Melinda. Hey!

Sorry, Melinda. I didn't use my inside voice on that one. Future, her gaydar is so broken. She can't accept reality person, although I guess that's more present. Melinda. And you know that is a stereotype to be like, oh, my God, gays can't have a girlfriend without the girl being in love or whatever. And I think that stereotype is stupid. All my best friends are girls.

And they're definitely not in love with me and never have been. But in this case, this girl seems clearly in love with this guy. I mean, she's just like the way she talks to him and just kind of looks at him and beams every time she looks at him. Girl. Wrong tree. I can change him. I can do it. This episode is also notable, by the way, because it's taking place in Manhattan.

And I have to say, I do not think we've had really many Househunter's episodes that have taken place in New York City. Or at least in that have focused on Manhattan, maybe we've seen some Staten Islands. maybe we've seen some queens. But the truth is we've seen plenty of Chicago's. We've seen Los Angeles. We've seen a lot of cities. But New York City is just one that does not land on house hunters. So that was just notable in and of itself.

Well, for that they have Selling New York, which is a really good one. That's one of my favorite old shows. I love that one. I haven't watched it in a long time. I don't even know if it's still on. But I loved it. Okay, so here we are. Jonathan's like Melinda.

It's kind of like a sister to me. And Linda says, what they're looking for is a perfect apartment. that's in a cool location for her, but still has enough room for his prized piece of furniture. Oh, let me fucking guess. It's a piano. Oh, no.

Now, listen, as someone who's currently shopping for a piano, I will have one as well. But I don't live with other people. If I lived in an apartment building or had people that, I just, I don't know. Already I'm mad at this man. I imagine hating him as a neighbor. Yeah, I'm mad about that.

I'm also mad because New York City is famous for being so expensive. for the amount of square footage you get. So the fact that any of the square footage is going to be gobbled up by like a baby grand piano. I think it was a baby grand. I would be as a part of Melinda, I would be peeved,

especially because his profession is not as a piano player. His profession is as a singer. So why is a standing piano not good enough? Why can't you have an like Edith Bunker moment? Yeah. And upright, they're called. You're not Elton John, okay? Yeah.

Well, I'm no Elton John either, but I still want a baby grand. But I'm trying to choose between baby grand or dining room table. We all know the answer should be dining room table. The answer is dining room table, but you do have a house. And so this is reasonable. But like when you are like, if it's a situation where like we're going to have a baby grand piano in here and therefore we have to eat off of those little TV trays, you know, like and our knees are going to be touching each other because this big piano, maybe consider downsizing the piano. I don't know.

I don't know. Yeah. So he's singing with his instructor to double annoy us. You know, there's two of them now. She's like, oh, he's like, I hate you both. Please move out of this building. Hi, I'm the homeowners association. Fuck off. Okay. And Jonathan has like a very kind of old fashioned way of talking, almost like what's that like coaked up comedians, John Malenia. And so he's like, he's like, I'm Jonathan. I am an opera singer, a baritone more specifically. and currently staying with my friends just outside of Philadelphia while I'd begin my search for a home in Manhattan.

And as a freelance singer, most of my career is on the road because I'm not good enough to actually have a residency in New York City. So that's more my demon. That's my cross to bear. Not yours, but I am happy to tell you all about it. He's like, I've sung in Germany, France, Italy, China, the Middle East, a street, a bathtub, a shower, Central Park, been over there.

Subways, actual subways, airplanes, any kind of transportation. You name it. My resume is long. When they say sing for your supper, that's literally what I have to do. So if it's 7.30 and you're near a quiz notes, be careful because I will be in there first in line singing for that toasty, toasty bun. I'm so good they don't even make me sing anymore at Chili's. They just hand me a chicken sandwich and ask me to please eat. It's amazing.

It's amazing how many notes are actually in the song. I want my baby back, baby, back, baby, back ribs. So he's like, yeah, it's been a lot of fun to be able to go to a lot of those different places. But for me, New York is just still very much a hob, an epicenter of culture and classical music. And so he's going to move to New York at 40-something to pursue his dream as a baby grand piano wielding opera singer. good luck and I mean it because everybody deserves to follow their dream no matter what age you are but his dad just died and left him a huge amount of money and he's like I'm blowing this on a baby grand and a tiny apartment girl what's going to happen when your budget runs out and you have to move that

thing you're not going to be able to you're going to leave that baby grant and then they're going to charge you and not give you your deposit back over it I just see your future and it's smiling awkwardly and miserable on the inside yes so he is with like an instructor and He's like, I think that we've earned a refreshment. So they like go to the kitchen, whatever, to like pour themselves a cocktail or something. And he's like, so the budget is $1.5 million. This is a staggering number for me. With that comes a lot of anxiety about making the right financial investment.

And I thought having a roommate would help offset the cost. I'm like, you want to, you have a $1.5 million dollar investment. We're in your kitchen right now. You don't even have shelves. You just have racks. You just have metal racks that you've stacked everything on. Yeah. And 1.5 million.

It sounds like so much. In New York, it's not. Really in the world, it's not. I mean, I'm sure I don't need to remind you guys because I've been very upset for a long time about this, but Burger King is $17. So, 1.5 million is really not that much. And he's like, oh, my God, I'm about to spend so much money. I better get everything I want. You're not getting dick.

Okay. Well, you might get dick. But that's free usually. So cute enough to get that. But you're not getting a 1.5 million place. It's great. Spoiler alert, I'm wrong. So he is like, let me FaceTime Melinda, okay?

Because she's going to move in with me. Hi, Melinda. She's like, I'm a Carrie. What can I say? Oh, look at you, having a drink in New York City. You're already adopting some of the tropes. I see this won't be annoying in our friendship. I love that.

I'm a Carrie to see you now. And so it's like my good friend from future roommate, Melinda, along for this journey. He has this other thing where he's constantly. constantly smiling. Yes. And it's a tick. It's not even like real happiness.

It's just a tick. He can't stop smiling. And as we go along, it looks more and more like a breakdown, like slow motion breakdown. Or he's just like, I'm so happy. I'm just so fucking. I don't believe you. I believe that this man cries a lot. It's a rage smile.

This is someone who works at William Sonoma, who you've now asked them three times to go and double check to see if a Dutch oven is in stock. Well, I've checked. And it's not. available. So like I said before, we do have a lovely selection of stob, Dutch ovens. But if you want La Crucée, unfortunately, we can't help you, but you can order it online. Okay, I am going to smile my rage at you because I should be on break and instead you're passing me with questions by Le Crucée. You're like, I don't want to stop and you just hear, please, pay attention,

please. By the way, I'm not saying that I drew that example out of my past experiences, but I'm also not not saying it I may have once yeah that was 100% real that was 100% that I did to someone once where I made him go downstairs to check on a look and say model like two times and he's like we don't have it what about the stops I was like I got a one stop she's an evil person so he's like well linda is on this journey with me I've known a melinda since she was very young her brother was my partner for over 11 years and that didn't work but you know she's just like family I have a sister who lives in Texas, but this is my sister who lives in New York. And you know we're close because she's going to be paying my mortgage while she listens to me, hammer on a piano and sing opera.

That's a good friend right there. So he is going to be taking a train in and he's going to be seeing her there. So now we see Jonathan and Melinda walking in New York. And Melinda's like, and Jonathan's like, Melinda, what a nice sight to see off of the subway. Do we have to take that train often in this city? Because if so, I may be rethinking this entire move. It was absolutely disgusting. I was accosted by a rat that couldn't even sing opera.

Melinda's like, I'm so excited to get to be roommates and get to incorporate all of our favorite design aesthetics because I'm an interior designer. So I kind of have an eye and I know what he's looking for. And I can really help him create that vision. Oh, you know what you need to be worried about, not the vision. The sound. I know. You need to worry about your ears. I see you need to create a vision of giant soundproof headphones that you can put on,

girl, because you have to create a vision of how a journeyman opera singer is going to be able to afford a $1.5 million apartment. How about that? So his wish list is he wants to be in a modern high rise. So they approach a tall building. And he's like, high rise in the sky like supermod. I just don't know how possible that is in my budget. But my budget will be earning $35 a month as an opera singer for hire.

I don't think this is a high rise either. Am I thinking of this wrong? But this is not a high rise. I think they're just walking around the city looking at buildings at this point. Okay. Yeah, I don't think they ever get to a high rise. So, yeah, one of them I think they called a high rise. And I was like, that's like three stories.

Okay. So Melinda is like, I just always envisioned a quaint, charming apartment for us by, you know, Brooklyn, downtown Brooklyn. Yeah. And he's like, no, like Manhattan Charm, you mean, right? She goes, no, like downtown Brooklyn. He says, oh, so New York City right in the heart, Midtown charm, Brooklyn Charm. What I love about Melinda is that she is the sort of person that everyone in Brooklyn hates because she's kind of just like a basic, but she wants to be around the hipsters.

You know, she goes down. She goes down to like Prospect Park or whatever. And it's like, oh, my God, you guys do Pickling down here. I love Pickling. They're like, get out of here. You don't have bangs. As somebody that lived in Williamsburg for a solid six years or so, yeah, she's the enemy that infiltrated for sure.

Yes. You know, and turned it all into condos and shit like that. That's definitely this type. Yeah, she is the type that during pumpkin spice season, she's putting on a fedora and going to Nashville. But she's also like, oh, my God, Brooklyn is so cute. I just want to be near Brooklyn. I know all the officers are like, I bought the.

is a cell Gettie glasses so I don't have to be near people like you. What are you doing here? So then John, she's like, yeah, I want to be in downtown because it's easier to get to Brooklyn. And all my friends are in Brooklyn, very, very hip person, super hip. And he's like, oh, not that it would be based solely on your social life, of course. But it could be fun to explore areas I'm just not familiar with, Brooklyn. I mean, where's that? Queens, what, Staten Island?

All love islands. Right? but I do have three key points. Yeah. I just, I like by the way, he's, he's kind of like,

you can tell he's kind of like, this is my money that I inherited, and I'm the opera singer, so we are living by Lincoln Center. I don't care what you say about Brooklyn, but I'm going to smile my rage through you and be like, wow, that's fun.

Brooklyn, never heard of it. I'm excited to see an exotic new land, but we probably won't live there. Let's be honest, but cool for you for thinking that we might be able to. So his wish list is obviously the piano And the dining room He needs a dining table because he's very fancy

And wants to eat at a table And then a living area where they can Emelinda's like spread out and live And be comfortable with each other as we hold each other During the sunset, watch Law & Order reruns Well maybe watch some movies Would be fun Yeah I was thinking maybe some

Something like I don't know Some Nancy Myers movies she's like, I'm not familiar. Okay, this has been a terrible decision. So now the realtor has sent them some options. So the first one they're going to go to is in Harlem. And he's like, well, well, we are not downtown or close to Lincoln Center. But look at this high rise.

Five stories, huge. Another neighborhood that's going to immediately hate these people, Harlem. These are two people. This is not a match. This is not these two in Harlem. Yeah, these two are not hipster enough to pull that one on. They're just not cool enough to pull that off. I'm sorry.

And they don't really ever pick a neighborhood that's good for them, really in this whole thing. They don't. And Melinda's like, you know, I noticed it took me an hour to get here. Okay. That's a long way to go from the flea. And so he's like, that's right. So this place is $1.395 million. and it's not a high-rise,

but Melinda likes it, has a lot of character. It's gorgeous. This apartment is fucking gorgeous. This is the Harlem one. It is beautiful. And they're so unappreciative that makes me crazy about them.

They walk up and they're like, well, it's old. Yeah, it's a fucking, what are you talking about? Of course it's old. And he's like, well, I mean, I guess I like the doors. I mean, they have character.

Those are extremely intricate, beautifully done doors. And they're acting like, well, I guess we could put up with it. It's got some personality, even though it's old. Fuck you. They're walking into magic. And they're just like, I mean, I guess it's okay.

But the problem is that the staircase coming up is really narrow. And it's like, how are you going to get your piano up there? You know, he's like, yeah, having a piano for me, it's obviously of the utmost importance. And I would have to do very seriously consider how one would actually get a piano up here. I'm like, get, like, you're not. ready for your baby your baby grand piano you put the car before the horse it's an upright piano for you sir yeah you're not ready sir and so is anybody those things are like 5,000 pounds those are not that's true too i don't think an upright piano solves any of the issues here

yeah so then um melinda's like they're talking about the door you know all that good stuff so yeah the stairs suck and then um he's like could be interesting piano times here and he's like having the piano for me obviously utmost importance I would have to be seriously crazy to consider how one would actually get a piano in here. Ryan, am I right, guys? Should we do it? So the realtor says that the challenges with clients often is that what they want and where they want it don't always mesh. You think that's the premise of this entire show.

So he's like, if we found something like this, like on the Upper West Side, it would probably be $2.2.2 million, which is, again, crazy because ultimately this apartment is the size of a shoe. Yeah. And so it's two bedrooms, two bath. And Melinda's like, oh my God, the kitchen's huge. Gross. We don't need a kitchen. I mean, I don't cook.

Literally everything that comes out of these people's mouths, I'm like, who are you? Go to a different city. Anyone in New York to have a kitchen that size would be like Bonertown. You know? He's like, I wish it were a little bit smaller. So we could have allotted it towards more living space and some, you know, it's like, so you want more living space, presumably to entertain. So that way you'll have a tiny kitchen.

to entertain. Okay, you have to think some of these things they were through. Exactly. So now they're looking at the high ceilings and then they walk in and see an exposed brick wall, which is gorgeous. And go, ew! And he's like, that's kind of funky, right? And they're like, yeah. The realtor is like, yeah, when they did these townhouses, there were brick. And so they could close them up after they were done so they can get from apartment to apartment. And Jonathan's like, well, that's sneaky. And Melinda says, well, I mean, I think the brick is like, that's a little great. for me. That's what we're saying now, right? Jonathan. He's gritty. Totally gritty. Yeah, it's gritty. I don't know that I really like gritty. We should definitely paint the, paint the brick. I was like, okay, Melinda, you're dead to me now. I know. You're dead. This is so gritty. Guys, I want to live in Brooklyn.

I'm like, lady, what are you expecting to find in Brooklyn? So they're going to paint this. Welcome to the rest of your life, you fucking weirdo. Yeah, who moves to Brooklyn and doesn't like gritty things. I know. Who like exposed brick like that is like the dream, isn't it in New York City? So she's like, we should paint it. Yes, and it's a deadly sin to paint it. To just be like, I'm going to paint the brick. The pre-war brick is insane.

Insane. Insane. So then there's like a little fireplace and it has these, this like tile on it with like little blue farm animals, which I think is very cute and adorable and has lots of characters. She's like, ew, we don't need little farm animals. You know what we need? Tiles from IKEA.

Put them up there. Yeah, we really need to modernize it. with kind of like marble countertops and, you know, maybe like a navy blue cabinet. It's like, oh, Jesus Christ, just go suck Joanna's dick already. Get out of here, Melinda. Jonathan's like, chicken tiles, no. I was going high-rise, mod, glam. The brown zone is one step in a direction, but the country tile is definitely several steps in another direction.

Jonathan, you are a tame gay, okay? You are a sweater wearing tame gay. Chicken tile is for you. Stop fighting your destiny. You are a gay. for chicken tile. Like, I would love chicken tile. I'm jealous of your chicken tile.

You have a gift. Well, it's very East Coast, like Connecticut-y. It's like rich person tile. It's cute and vintage, and it has chickens on it, and why would you ever get rid of it? Yeah, these two, I'm embarrassed for these two, being like, we're so New York now because I inherited money, and you guys are such yokels.

It's funny to watch it. So now they walk through, and we see a bathroom and a guest bathroom, or bedroom, And he's like, oh, well, I guess that would be called the Melinda Room in my ride. She goes, oh, the Melinda Room. That's nice. Is that where I just do my design because I'm sleeping in your bed, right? I mean, just friends.

And then they go past the Melinda Room. And they go into like a bathroom at some point. They make their way into a bathroom and there's more exposed brick, but they have put the glass from the shower over it and cocked it to protect the bricks. That way it's not an issue. And he's like, oh, wow. Well, this looks difficult. This looks like it could be.

He's like, I'd be worried about the maintenance. There is no maintenance. The glass is covering the brick. So moisture doesn't get in. It's designed this way. Just wipe the glass. Oh, you little dope. So then let's see here.

They look at the main bedroom. And he's like, well, this could be painted because there's more exposed brick. So these people are just mortified. me. Every time they see brick, they're paint it, get rid of it. Any character, please erase it. Let's take this apart. Let's lobotomize this apartment and then take it. Yeah. So they go back out to the living area and he's like, well, this is intriguing for sure. It's some stuff we didn't anticipate. And she's like, yeah, but I think there's like a lot to think about. Like, we could, so much like brick, we could paint, so many like cute details we could just

scrape on down and shave down. But it's a little far from everywhere that I like to go. Like Brooklyn, where there's no exposed brick or cute, clever character-driven tile. Or grit. So then he's like, yeah, well, it's not our usual hangout spot. So it would just be a matter of getting acclimated a bit to what's around here. Because I like quiet. Is it going to be too sleepy around here? Is it?

Sleep? I love sleep. Well, you're going to put a lot of people to it. I'll tell you that much. So now these two idiots are trying a hipper neighborhood, quote unquote, Hipper, formerly hip, now that these two are thinking about moving. into it that Melinda wants to push for, but he's still not sold on this either. So they're walking around and he goes, ooh, wow, this does have kind of a gritty kind of Brooklyn vibe that

makes me worried that I'm going to grow a man bun. And then we find out that they're in the East Village. It's like, you're at NYU. I mean, I don't know. I guess NYU is just the village, right? Well, East Village East Village can be a little gritty, but I mean, it's silly. They're just so whitewashed coming to the East Village. Like, ooh, gritty. How pretty of us.

Look how far we've come. And you're like, yeah, you're in a pretty popular area. So it's like, well, I vaguely remember a couple of bar nights here, but that's about it. She goes, oh, it's going to give you the youthful energy that you've been after. It's going to give you creeper energy. Okay. So they're in the East Village. And, you know, he says, Sean, the realtor is saying how it's the beginning of a lot of different musical and artistic movements.

And Jonathan being a musician, you know, he's like, I thought that Jonathan might appreciate it. But then again, you would think that Melinda, as an interior designer, would appreciate exposed brick walls. So who knows what to expect from these idiots? Who knows what's going to come out of these people's mouths? So the realtor is like, so today, the East Village. It's an area that's the beginning of a lot of different musical and artistic movements. Like, really? Rent, rent, rent, rent, rent. Oh, I'll take it.

I'll take it. Very artistic. Very, very artistic. He's like, East Village defines downtown living. So then he's not liking this one. So they're in front of another large brick building. And he's like, I want something more streamlined. So modern.

This is like somewhere in between. And she goes, neither. It doesn't look like match. but sometimes the inside is amazing. You know, like people, who cares if they have a penis or not, right? It's all what's on the inside. Nice try, Melinda. So they go in and it's like, well, there is an elevator.

So that's pretty swanky. And she's like, yeah, that's going to help with the piano. Probably won't. I don't think the piano's putting in that elevator. And it probably will destroy the weight limits. Also, enjoy the elevator, never working. Okay. Yeah.

Also. So that's what you're getting into. So you're really. pissed off when she made the comments about the bricks. Here's what pissed me off. They walk into this apartment. In New York City. In New York City. We all know what the apartments are like in New York City. They walk in and Melinda goes, well, no grand foyer.

Oh, I'm sorry. The foyer? I'm sorry, Melinda. Sorry. Oh, watch your head on that chandelier you want to. Okay. Of course there's no grand foyer. She's like, we just walk right into a kitchen. Welcome to like most apartments, even outside of New York City.

Okay. This lady needs to relax. Yeah, she's not going to last long here. No foyer. Girl, you two poor for a for it. You don't get a foyer with a million and a half dollars, okay? Cough up another six. You're lucky to even get an ice machine in your fridge here.

And then Jonathan's like, oh, let me just shimmy past the door here. That's my passive aggressive way of saying, this is cramped. I'm like, you're the one who wants to put a giant piano in it, sir. So stop complaining. I know. The guy with a baby grand is like, God, it's just so tight in here. Melinda, get rid of something. He goes, good incentive to lose weight.

Thank you for that, Sean. The ceilings are high, which is nice. He's like, yeah, and there's crown molding. Disgusting. Get rid of it. Melinda, scrape it off. I'm right on top of that, Jonathan. And he's like, well, I don't see my, like, three, my top three here, like my piano space, my television space and my dining area.

So what am I going to do about that? And the realtor guy is like, well, put in a table. like a cafe table, and then you can have your piano over there. And Melinda's like, that's going to be tight. Like me, right? Stop it, Melinda. Seriously. Melinda, you're getting a little inappropriate in front of Sean.

But, you know, I'm, okay, Sean, let me try to rage smile this for you. Okay. Now that I'm talking about these kind of numbers, rage smile, the idea that, well, anywhere else just seems absurd that I couldn't have more than a bistro table. It's like, yeah, but. that's because you're cramming a giant piano into your tiny New York apartment for that number. How about you sell your piano and get some money from it and get a little Cassio keyboard? You can sing your opera to that.

He's like, I mean, now that I'm buying a place and now that I'm talking about these kind of numbers, I mean, huge numbers. It's 1.5 million. Are you kidding me? I mean, where's my mansion? I mean, the fact that I can't even get a bistro table more than a bistro table? Ridiculous. Oh, my God. call the mayor. We're complaining to house hunters about, okay?

Yeah. It's called the economy, sir. Yeah. He's like, you know, I've made many sacrifices in city living and apartment living. And one of them is I have eaten off my coffee table for several years. And I just think at this point in my life as a occasionally performing opera singer, it's a little dehumanizing. And I'm ready for an actual dining area. Here's an idea.

Put some placemats on your piano and enjoy. Let me tell you what's really going to be dehumanizing. the first time you sing opera and play the piano in your lower east side apartment and someone says shut the fuck up you know talent fucking fruit cake i fucking come over there and kick your fucking ass yeah that's exactly correct right there uh so um then he's like well does this mean downgrading the baby grand piano to an upright because that like because that would go very nicely here but my soul cries at the concept well guess whose soul wasn't crying any person in a very lovely and a very lovely movie about singing Christmas carols because as far as I can tell,

they all gather around that piano and they're very happy with it. Truly. So Melissa's like, or Melinda's like, oh gosh, that seems wrong. I could totally play around with this. We'll make a floor plan if it's something we're serious about because I'm an interior designer. So I can make five feet look like five feet. It's going to be amazing. You're going to love it. This is why we like Melinda, because she can do the calculation. and I can do a lot more for you, Jonathan. I don't like when you talk like that. Melinda, she goes, well,

well, maybe there's a nook we're not considering. Oh, yes, maybe there's a hidden nook in this square room. Totally a grand piano-sized nook over here somewhere. Wait a second. This wall isn't, as a projection, there's actually more space behind it. And he's like, most people probably think this is far too small. But for me, I just don't know what else we would need, right?

I mean, why would we need space? I mean, there's you, there's me, there's me, there's you, there's laps, there's butts. Me sitting on your lap. She didn't get it. A sofa, an easy chair, an easy chair, a love seat, that would be good. Just one chair, let's just sit on the floor together in sleeping bags, put on a fire and cuddle. Wouldn't that be fine? Melinda, I'm going to need you to take five paces back.

Thank you very much. So the kitchen is, so what they're talking about is the kitchen, because the kitchen's a small, little gal. Valley Kitchen and they're happy that it's small because it's not cutting into their space because they don't cook. They famously want a tiny kitchen and they don't cook. They never have to be in there, which makes sense why Melinda says, I think we should reconsider the finishes. You're not using the kitchen. Who cares about the finishes? Why are you spending this money on the finishes right now? Yeah. So now they go look at the bedrooms and he, Jonathan's like, oh my God, this is so tight. And Melinda's like, well, it's at least brighter and area than I thought it would be.

I mean, so they don't really love this one. I don't really love this one either. This one's not great. It is lower ceilings, which I don't think is abnormal. But is this the one with the spiral staircase? No, this one, this one's like actually a perfectly nice, it's a perfectly nice apartment. It's just that it just, it just, it can't support also having a baby grand piano. This is like a normal sized small apartment, if that makes sense.

So, you know, they're just like, the piano is really. just walking everything up. But it's like, it's a perfectly nice apartment. I don't think the building is so charming, but it also, it's not a terrible choice. Right. So this one didn't have the lower ceilings. I'm, I think I'm thinking of the next one. The next one.

Okay. So then, yeah, the next one, they are walking by a brick building. And he's like, oh my God, it's one of these pre-war like cool buildings, right? An important residence, if you will. I mean, it was built before Vietnam guys. Jonathan wants to land a place for himself. future roommate Melinda wants to land Jonathan and the piano just wants to throw itself

out the window. Well, we can only hope this all works out. So now we're in Turtle Bay. But even with a $1.5 million budget to spend, Jonathan may have to compromise on style, which looks like he's already gotten ahead of with his wardrobe.

It's like, this might be a little part of history, am I right? So they go into the lobby and he loves the lobby and this one is 1.75 million, which is crazy. And because that's a lot more than the budget. It's not like a little bit more. That's a lot. And it's a very charming, like, lobby.

This is like some art deco shit. It's like this is an old building, but it comes with like a doorman, which, by the way, also means money. Like, why are you going to a place that has a doorman? You don't need a doorman. But it's already a very charming sort of spot. Yeah. And they have an elevator.

attendant, which means someone rides in the elevator with you. So that's hot. And this one's also three bedrooms. And so they're like, why are you showing us a three bedroom? And Sean's like, well, it's much bigger than we've seen. And maybe you should just get a roommate. Oh, God, now you want to torture other people? Sean, think about other people.

Don't just think about yourself. I know. And they're like, yeah, I get a roommate. It'll be, it'll be, that'll work out well. And Jonathan's like, well, the idea of a third roommate, my knee-jerk reaction is to reject it viscerally. Ha, ha, ha. But given that it may afford me a larger space,

maybe something I can consider. I mean, like, you're worried about the roommate. What about the room and has to live there while you're, you know, singing La Traviata off-key to your piano? So they go in and Melinda's like, not much of a foyer. And then she needs to stop. She needs to fucking stop. She's like, in the backyard.

I'm just going to assume that the backyard's outside. You know, Melinda, your foyer, it's downstairs, and it comes with a doorman. Okay, that is your foyer. You're now in your apartment. We have a private garage, right? How many things can I fit? Like three cars and storage? Can't wait.

Where's the pool? Where's that? So this one, this apartment does have lower ceilings, but it's actually a two-story apartment. It does feel like a little cramped in there in general, but I think it's because the ceilings are lower. And it's also fully furnished. If it had not been fully furnished, it may. have, like, felt a little more spacious. But there is a kitchen that's big enough that it has an island.

And, like, there have been, we have not seen anything close to a kitchen with an island so far this episode. And so, of course, I hate it. But then there's a spiral staircase. It's like a Home Depot cheap ass metal spiral staircase. I've had them. And they're like, oh, my God, a spiral staircase. How glamorous. I'm like, you two are literally hopeless.

You've not said one thing that doesn't make you, doesn't make me think you are tacky trash. both of you. Shame on you. But you know what? What I kind of liked about this apartment is it felt to me very much like the sort of apartment you would live in if you were like, you know, if you were like an opera singer or something like that. It feels like the place you would walk into and there would be posters from like Lincoln Center and like bookcases and I'd be like cozy and artsy in there but like, you know, fancy artsy. So I was like totally, I actually really like this apartment for them. But I think it's way too much for them.

them to deal with. Yeah, it's too much. I didn't love the short ceilings and stuff. I just thought every, and what part of town is this in again? Did they say? Turtle Bay, I looked it up. I think it's like,

I think Turtle Bay is around like 40 seconds street. I think it's here. I'm gonna look at first, by the way, also, who had the nerve to name any part of Manhattan Turtle Bay? There's nothing Bay like about Manhattan. Yeah. I'm looking at its location now.

Midtown East, Midtown East basically. Oh, I mean, that's not great. It's not closer at Lincoln Center. Yeah, I don't think anybody wants to live Midtown East. Was that a thing? Yeah, I mean, I don't know. It's like it's Midtown. The range looks like it's 20th.

This looks like it's 42nd Street to 59 Street from 5th Avenue off to the East River. Well, that's actually okay. Yeah. okay. I mean, I feel like 34th to 42nd is no-go, or so like 48th is a no-go. But then above that, it starts getting okay, right? Yeah, this looks like it's like north of Murray Hill. It encapsulates the

UN. So I thought that was on the Upper East side. Isn't the Upper East side, like, I used to work by the UN. How do I feel like, okay, anyway, nobody cares. Yeah. I'm like, now we're just talking about random. Like, wow,

What neighborhood is that? Okay. So then the bed, she's complaining about finishes, which is silly. And then he's like, well, this bedroom's not a bad size. And she goes, well, can we get a smaller bed? Because it's just going to be so hard to be close to you with the bed, big enough to pay. So smaller bed, Jonathan, please, Melinda. So Melinda then goes, we're quite the pair.

And I don't know how a third person would come into this situation. Melinda, why do you have your hand on my chest right now? We're not really looking for new friends or lovers or orientations. She's like, oh, yeah, here's what I'd say to our roommate. You can't sit with us. I'm just kidding. I mean, there's something to consider if you end up feeling like you love the space and it's true. You do travel a lot.

So we could consider somebody else that might have some kind of attraction to me because I am just kind of giving up my youth for you. I mean, not that's a bad thing. I mean, not that that's a bad thing, but you know, maybe there are other options. You know, any other handsome gay people who are really, really supremely talented have a lot of money just from an inheritance. And then they also have to share the bathroom space, I guess, upstairs. So he's like, well, I may just have to tell them to go downstairs and use Melinda's bathroom. Guess what? You're downstairs, bitch.

Just wait a second. I don't get to go up the staircase? No, absolutely not. Oh my gosh. Okay. So now they have a large room, so they're super excited about it. And then now the main thing is like, can we have a roommate, done, dun, dun. And Jonathan's like, it's perplexing me.

So then we go to the realtors office and they're talking this over. And realtor Sean's like, if you have any questions, just come get me. But please don't make it. How can I fit a baby granted in a tiny bathroom? Because you can't. Okay. Right out there. Well, the thing about the Harlem location is the price of the brown zone is a bit under the max budget.

And it kind of had this traditional thing going on in the front and then this modern thing going on in the back. It's an architectural mullet, if you will. She's like, I don't get it. Okay. Well, you said you liked Brooklyn. So I thought you'd understand the mullet reference. Still don't understand. And she's like, but are we going to feel isolated being so far uptown?

I'm just a little nervous. Yes, you are. Yes. You guys are moving to New York City and moving all the way uptown. That's a lot. Enjoy having known visit you. Yes. And my friend lived in Harlem.

And it's a beautiful place. And, you know, they've done a lot of beautiful things with it. But I went there. I've been there two nights. One night the subway was completely broken. And they kept, said like it's coming on at two in the morning. So I waited for like an hourish and it never came back. And then the next time, it just wasn't working at all.

Like, you can't. They're working on that subway. They're always working on the subway. You always have to be prepared to get home, is what I'm saying in that town. You're fucked. Yeah, you're fucked. But there's room for a piano and for a dining table. And it's nice.

It is a nice, nice. Yeah, we didn't even talk about the fact that in the bedrooms that the window panes were very modern and big and it was lovely. Yeah, I mean, I would move there. I think it's gorgeous. I would, I would have picked that one for sure. But I just, he's the one who's like, I just want to be by Lincoln Center.

And I mean, Lincoln Center is what, 70 something around their Columbus circle? It's on the other side, though. They're going to have to take a bus, I think. Actually, if it's Harlem, they could be on the other side, right? Yeah. I think that's far up west. I don't remember. God, my brain is much.

So then, yeah, so they end up choosing number Harlem. Don't, dun, don't, don't, right? And so they walk in. and we're checking out what it is. And they didn't give us what we really need as an audience. And that is Melinda and a negligee. Just kidding. We didn't get the piano.

They never showed whether or not he fit the piano and how he's going to fit the piano. Yeah, we do know that they're going to crane in the piano. But what has arrived instead is a dining room table. Melinda has sourced a hideous black, marbly looking dining room table with like intense white vaining. Now, I already don't like very intense vaining in marble like that anyway, but it also just doesn't match anything going on in this place.

It was just, it was just wrong for the space. It was just like, oh, here is a designer who like goes to CB2. So, yeah, good luck to you guys. Yeah, that was pretty rough on her part. But that's pretty much

that. They're super happy. They're, you know, they don't have to get a third. They're really excited. And he's like, My dad was so amazing and he wanted to see us do well. And so I think the best way that I could spend his money is by wasting it on a baby grand and just blowing it on two months in New York before I have to sell this shit and move home. Yeah, exactly.

Enjoy driving Uber. So that was that. Thank you for everyone who suggested this episode. It was super fun. And if you have seen a House Hunter's episode that you think that we would have fun recapping, then write us an email at watchwork crappins at gmail.com. please put in the subject header dwell hello suggestions. That way when we use that term to narrow down our emails to find the suggestions,

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