Watch What Crappens - Dwell Hello #503: Quarter Life Crisis, Rotterdam

Episode Date: January 28, 2025

An Aussie expat from Perth wants to start a new life in Rotterdam, but will he find space for his dog Chop Chop?  We’re recapping House Hunters International 182 E01 “Quarter LIfe Crisis in Rotterdam”,  and we found it on Max. Find bonus episodes at patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens and follow us on Instagram @watchwhatcrappens @ronniekaram @benmandelker Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Well, hello and welcome to Dwell Hello. It's our House Hunters podcast. I'm Ben. That's Ronnie. What's going on? Ronnie, how's it going? Good. What's going on with you, baby? You know, just another fine day in the winter here, getting so excited for our big show later this week. I'm up here in Catona, my parents' house, just enjoying some time here. What's new? What's going on? Are you excited to talk some Dwell? Hello? some house hunters. Um, yes, love some house hunters.

This one is called quarter life crisis Rotterdam. We found it on, uh, HBO Max. Just search the title. It's the easiest way to find it on your watching app. Um, now this one is from, this one is starring a guy who claims that he's extremely charismatic. Yeah. Um, do you get to claim that about yourself?

I don't know. Like, he has like a chartreuse beard, and I guess maybe that counts as charisma. I'm not sure. But, like, I don't know. I think like flopping on beds, doing what he does, I'm just not sure about the charisma part. He seems nice, I guess. He also seems young.

He seems like a young person. He's 30, and he seems like a young person who thinks that they're actually older than they are. But, like, no, sir, you're just 30. Yeah. His personality is complaining, but it's complaining with a smile. So, I mean, I like that. Okay. And listen, I love the self-confidence. I just love the self-confidence of someone who's like, well, guess what? Oh, I'm curious medic. And it gets me through life. He also speaks in questions, which I kind of like. So, you know, I'm down for him. Well, I mean, the real breakout star of the show is the realtor, whose name is Floor. And she's great. She's a snarky bitch. And I love her. But she's got, and I think that she's the one who's really doing all the charismatic, heavy lifting. So, you know, this is a big floor episode. But, you know, floor is in danger,

I will say in general, because she has that thing where she's like, oh, I'm going to be a bitch right back to a bitchy guy, which works for a while. And then the gay will eat her alive. So good luck. Good luck. It's not for any friends with this person. Because you know she's going to be like, you want to go for a drink. And I'll be like, listen to that. I don't appreciate how you treated me on TV that's not how we do it in Perth. Yeah. He's going to want to be like the alpha charismatic one and she's kind of upstaging him. So it's never going to last between these two. Yeah. I think that he would kill her in real life.

Okay. So here we go. We, after a break, after a recent breakup, who would break up with Martin? That's my first question. Who would? He's full of charisma. He's so charismatic. After a recent breakup, Australian native Martin. is looking for a fresh start. And he's like, well, I've lived my whole life and path.

I just wanted to do something crazy, different. So that's it. This is what he's doing. He's moving to Rotterdam. He is rolling the dice on a move to Rotterdam, hoping to get by on Charm alone, also known as becoming a prostitute. I'm quite curious, me and Nick.

And this is where we see the evidence of him being charismatic, which is falling face first down onto a bed wackily. So there you go. He's a charismatic person. But his other personality quirk might make the house hunt a little bit difficult. And that quirk is being a total negative bitch. So let's see how that works out. You know, I always think of the negative before I can think of how I can make it work.

So now we see opening credits and everything. And he's like, hello, my name's Martin. I was born in Europe, but I grew up in Perth with my sisters and my parents. And I've got my dog Chop Chop, who's a Rhodesian Ridgeback, cross with a bull mass. He's very cute, and I'm going to show a lot of photos with him with an erection for the rest of the episode. And here's the thing. Here's another red flag that his personality is just too demanding.

He named his dog Chop Chop. I mean, that's like a criticism. You know what I mean? It's not like, hey, let's go for a walk, babe. It's like, chop, chop, chop. It's like you're constantly, the dog's probably traumatized. Yeah, it's like you built in an order into the, it's like naming your dog heel. It's just not nice at a certain point.

However, I have to say, this dog is super cute. It is a really cute dog. I like this one. It's been a rude. You eat too much. Eat slower. Eat slower. Eat slower.

But he likes stupid. name. In Perth, I work for a government agency that deals with social issues. So I guess he's like a social worker, which maybe, you know, why he thinks of the negative before the positive. I don't know. It feels like you have to start with the negative and then figure out a way out of it, right? So that makes sense. Maybe like, because I can also imagine in Australia there's like a department that deals with actual social issues. Like, you showed up late to the party. So now we have to go to the government and discuss this. You talked about Rita behind her back

and she didn't appreciate it. You have a habit of interrupting so we're going to have to report you to the Department of Social Issues. You wore socks with crocs and we're going to need to talk about it. You talk too close to my face. I'm going to have you investigate.

So he had a bad breakup and then he had to live back with his parents after that, you know, because who can support themselves on a single income? You know who I blame for this? Couples. This is who we should blame the economy for. Because couples are like, oh, we can get a bigger house because two of us are working.

And then nobody can afford a single house because you need to have two people working in the house. Couples are ruining my life. Yeah, always. They're the worst. So he's like, you know, everything here is just like very simple, very simple and very light back. And we just see him like floating in like a Homer Simpson donut inner tube. I don't know. It seems great to me.

you've got a pool and everything's paid for. So I say go for it. Live off of mom and dad for a few years. Yeah. And he doesn't have a job yet. So he's relying on savings. But it feels like now and never, I just booked my floor and I'm just going to go. And I'm going to try and live my life differently to how I've always lived it.

You are going to be in a Homer Simpson donut floaty thing no matter where you are. Okay. That never leaves your personality. I've lived in New York City for 10 years. I was still tired. What are you going to do? Your personality is your personality. I was hiding M&Ms in my belly button when I was 18 and broke on the streets of New York,

and I do the same thing now living in Los Angeles. What are he going to do? So now he's in Rotterdam and he's talking to his realtor, Floor, Pajunberg, and they're just standing at this river. And she's like, okay, my name is Floor. Feel free to make whatever puns you want. It's not like I haven't heard them before. So why did you choose Rotterdam?

And he's like, well, actually, Rotterdam chose me. Flores like, not a chance. Need a better answer. I guarantee you we did not choose you. Brododdam actually has better taste than that, Martin. He's like, well, actually, I went through a bad breakup, and I just wanted a fresh start, and I always wanted to move to the Netherlands,

so I thought, why not move to the city with the largest poet in all of Europe so I can find lots of seamen? That's gay humor for you, Floor. But also, how does that mean that Rotterdam chose you? Rodderdam didn't choose you. You broke up and you decided to move. How is that Rotterdam choosing you?

He never answers that question. Maybe he's like, where should I move? I feel like I'm just rotting. Damn. Rotterdam. Rotterdam. My last boyfriend called me Rotten, so I chose the closest name I could. And she's like, well, why did you choose here again?

He's like, well, every time I've been on holiday here, I've just always loved it. Well, you know what? I'm just going to move to fucking Disneyland then. Can I do that? You know, the architecture is beautiful here. You can like hang a donut floaty in so many different places. It's wonderful. So we see from its route as a fishing village in 13th century, Rotterdam has evolved into the largest port in Europe and attracts losers from Perth.

He's like, I love the bridges here. Could you imagine if I was like, Ben, I'm moving someplace because I love their bridges. They're very bridge forward. You just love it. It's like bridges and there's also great art, but I still put bridges first, then art, and then there's also a lot of culture, but again, art is first. And then, I mean, so bridges are first. And it's just like a great bridgey place. So he says that he looked in Amsterdam first, but he was just wasted the whole time

parting. And, uh, which makes sense. You don't, you can't live in the, in the, I don't know how people live there without parting all the time. I wouldn't be able to. It's like, that's why you go to Wisconsin and all they talk about is cheese. Oh my God. Oh, my God. A cheese is so good. You built your whole life about around it, you know. Yeah. I mean, I would go to Amsterdam and just eat herring all the time and I'd be like, ooh, this is too much for me. I need to get to a more chill place without as much herring because I'll be out of control. Um, that's like my version of party. And guys, who wants to have some herring. Come on.

I'm going to do a herring stand. Party, don't stop him, Ben's in town. It's like, hey, guys. Hey, guys. He's opening up a trench coat. I got some tin fish for you. Yeah, man. Yeah, that's for everybody.

The first taste is free, babe. I literally went there and ate two herring sandwiches in a row. I ate a full sandwich, full of herring, and it was so good. I was like, listen, I'm going to have a second one because I don't know what I'm getting to Amsterdam again. So I had a whole second herring sandwiches. stuffed sandwich and I loved every second of it. I think that herring needs to be renamed because when you hear herring, everyone, I think, cringes unless you know. If you know, you know, but if you don't

know, you hear herring and it just sounds like it's from like 1905 and gross and stinky and disgusting and it's actually delicious and I'm here to change people's minds about herring. It actually sounds like a false, a false accusation and a murder mystery to me. It's a red hearing. That's weird. So we know that if Ben ever breaks up with a darned, He's going to move to some place called Harrington, Alabama. Because it's got herring in the title. I can't wait. Nothing sounds better for my lifestyle than moving to Alabama,

especially to a place called Harrington. Well, I get some herringbone floors. Yeah, I remember when we had that cab driver in Alabama that's like, we got gay people here. I just love them. We're like, oh, great. So we're like you do now, at the very least. So, Rotterdam's got a lot of space.

There's not as many people. It's not as many tourists. It's quite dog friendly, really, and me friendly as well. Hashtag bridges. He says, I'm looking for like an executive assistant job or like a secretary or something else along those lines. I don't know. There'll be anything. Look at Starbucks.

Anything that just gives me an ample amount of time to walk along a bridge. There's more potential. Oh, sorry. Just please get me out of social services. I'm sick of telling people that they're using the wrong fork. There must be potential jobs down in Waterdam, and then we see something on text on the screen says, Rotterdam is about 50 miles from Amsterdam, where all the good jobs are, idiot. And Flores like, oh, it's such a guy city, so I think you'll fit in perfectly.

And he's like, I hope so. But this housing market is pretty crazy. So you're bringing your job, chop chop chop. Chop, chop is his name, this dog? Chop chop. He's like, yeah, he's very lazy. which is why I call him Chop Chop. Do you want to see a photo of Chop Chop Chop with his lipstick coming out?

Because you're about to see it for the sixth time. So did you notice that? There was totally like, yeah, like Chop Chop is sitting there. His lipstick is pointing out. And I'm like, I don't need to see, but I hate doggy erections. So, um, floor is like, I love him. Like, what's the opposite point to take on that? I love doggy erections.

I'd be like, well, you should watch the, this episode. Because it's all about bridges and doggy erections. It'll be interesting to see if that furry thing is caught on or whatever, whatever that kink is called and see if our numbers go way up because we're talking about dog erections. Yeah, let's get into the AI, into this SEO with AI. Talking like my parents.

What? So are you going to do a blog today? So Floor is like, yes, you'll fit in perfectly. But this housing market is pretty crazy, and you're bringing your dog, I see. And we see the photo, I think you just said this. And then he says, yes, he's a very lazy dog, which will make him easier when I'm in the house hunting, because he has low expectations. But I'm the complete opposite when it comes to looking at houses. And also, he's a he dog, but I'm a bitch.

Yeah, I'm immediately looking at the negative first, which is not a good personality trait. Thank God for my charisma. And she's like, Martin is going to be single in the city, which is going to be amazing for him. We've got so many hot Dutch guys to reject him. It's going to be so fun to watch it from afar. I can't wait to text him and say, still nothing. Too bad. I'm with a six-foot-five hearty.

It's like Yolanda Hadid comes in. Oh, you poor ting. So you had one too many almonds. Lusa. And also, poor Martin, he also has that thing. Like, he's clearly so nervous to be doing this show because when he's sitting down doing his interview, his skin is getting all red and patchy under, like, around the neck and up here, like, on his head. I was like, can someone just, like, calm him down, let him know it's okay.

This is low stakes. You know why I think it is? It's because he's a negative person pretending to be a positive person and the hurts. Like, I've tried it before. It's hard. It's, like, so hard. Yeah. That makes sense.

Just be yourself. Just shit on everything. Just be like, you know why I moved here? Because I fucking hate it here. And there's a lot to complain about, okay? Your architecture sucks. Your people suck. The weather sucks.

It all sucks. Okay? That's why I'm here. I'm Martin. And I'm here to bitch about your city for the rest of my life. And what did he really do to, like, get expelled from Amsterdam? Because I don't believe that he's choosing Rotterdam over Amsterdam. I'm sorry.

I believe he wants to go to Amsterdam. And I think he went partying. And he did something wrong. He, like, did, he got into some mess with the mayor's chubbed. child and now we can't go back to the city. No, damn, you just went there. Yeah, I'm going to say that right now. What do you do to the mayor's child?

Slept, well, mayor's child, I mean, of age slept with the mayors of age child. I feel like they like the mayor. I was like, we're really, we're really, we're really, we're really, no, no, no, not Megan longing him. We're in the first two minutes. No, no. My theory that I'm going to hatch right now is that the mayor has like a 22-year-old son. No, no, you know what? No.

This guy, I think, goes for older men. Don't you think that Martin goes for older men? No, I think Martin goes for like 20-year-old perfect-bodied twinks. Okay, so there's a 20-year-old perfect-bodied twink who is like the son of the mayor. The mayor wants the son to go off and like be with like a lady. And then the twink son had like a fling with Martin

and the mayor caught them. And the mayor was like, I'll let this one go. But if you ever come back to my city again, I would have you throwing him kicking out. He probably just went to like a weed place and was bitching about everything. And they're like, you know what? You can't be negative here in Amsterdam. Get out.

You're hoshing my buzz, bro. He probably tried to take a photo of one of the ladies in the window. And apparently if you do that, someone comes running out and like beats you up. Really? Oh my God. Have they not heard of like, Have they not heard of influencing? I know, seriously.

So many more views. I'm Martin. It's charisma. It's a bitch. The most charismatic man in Amsterdam was trying to get a photo of you. You better show them. Show up. Show up.

Show those titties. So she's like, well, if you want to be in a good neighborhood, you have to have good money and you have to act fast. And he's like, um, did you not hear social work? So I'm ready. And he's like, I would log something close to public transport, a bit on the quiet side, close to nightlife, two bedrooms, a lot of clothes, my clothes need their own room. Oh my God, could you imagine having an old navy room? Like, what are you wearing? You don't need your old room.

You know, he wears the same damn pair of jeans five days out of the week. Martin. Yeah, exactly. And he only wants to pay $1,600 a month. So floor is like, that's a bit, this is a little bit unrealistic. I mean, especially in the city center. I mean, come on. And so Martin just walks off and she's like, where are you going?

Bye, Felicia. So then he also wants a place for friends and family to sleep. She goes, oh, I guess they can sleep on your clothes then because it'll be in the other room, you stupid man. And he's like, yeah, and also I need the grand floor. She goes, why are you afraid of heights? It's like, damn, floor really doesn't care. And at some point doesn't foresay something like, oh, God, I don't get, I get like $5 a commission off this anyway, what the fuck do I care? You cheap

bastard. Yeah, she pretty much is like that. So, now we're going to go to the first house and it's a quiet neighborhood. It's a suburban flat.

And she's like, well, I brought you here because it's like suburban. It's like quiet. And that's what you said you wanted. And he's like, well, is he closed to public train and sports? She's like, it's a five-minute walk and everything. So there's a lot of nature. There's going to be an amazing garden, allegedly. So they go in, it's on the first floor, which he really wants. And I think we sort of like walk into the bedroom. Is that the first, does the

door open? We go into the hallway of the building and we walk into the bedroom. Is that how it, is that, did I interpret that correctly with how they entered? Um, I don't think, I don't remember. I don't think so. Or was that a hallway. But I don't know. Whenever, whenever we're watching House Hunters International. We've just gotten used to watching such crazy things as compared to like American housing that I wouldn't even bat my lash if it was like, here's your foyer, the bathroom. This is where you make poo and cook your eggs and make laundry. And then we have a gigantic laundry room for no reason, but without a washer and dryer, just with hanging racks. It really happens in this house right here. Well, so maybe they walk into a hallway and he liked something

in the hallway. There was some, some, like, chachky or whatever. He's like, oh, I like they. Um, so then they enter this bedroom. So I don't know if it was a public hallway or not, but they enter this bedroom. And he's like, oh, it's not a lot of privacy, is it? Um, because it's like the bed, the bed is like up against a window that's right, you know, you see right onto the street. And he's like, not a lot of privacy. I'm like, yeah, but that's why you've got blinds. Just close the blinds, sir. Yeah, and then they go into the bedroom. Yeah, they see the bedroom. And then he like falls face first onto the bed.

And wait, is that a different room? Yeah, but then this one has like sliding doors to get into the live. Does he just fall face first onto every bed? Is that every bed he falls? He does it with, it's like his thing. It's his schick. That's his thing. It's his charisma.

It's his charisma. Because I remember him doing it later. Okay, yeah. So he falls face first onto the bed. And he's like, oh, I'm living more. life in this place. And so she's like, well, in Rotterdam, you're going to have less privacy than in Perth. And that's something that you're going to have to get used to.

Okay, stupid. So she's like sliding doors. Very popular feature here. Also, movie with Gwyneth Pato, that makes you reconsider your choices. Very popular movie here. We have sliding door day. All the furniture is here to stay. So if you want to faceplant on all of it, I'm sure the owner will really love that.

so go ahead do that and he really likes this he loves this sofa which is like this big boxies thing and um he's like i have to sit here so that we chop chop can sit to the left of me um so he's very or to the right of me he's very specific on where he and chop chop have to sit together um i like that our note pick i almost said nose picker our note taker wrote he's laying on the couch with his shoes on yes shelby yes he is yes that's a bass bass That's probably why he's kicked out of Amsterdam. By the way, I have to say, I didn't even mind this place at first. At this point, I'm like, okay, so the bedroom is facing the street.

You know, close the blinds if you want privacy. It's kind of airy and cute in there. You know, he has no job. He's 30 years old. He wants a place on the cheap. This is perfect for that demo. Like, you're not going to get something really fancy at age 30 for cheap. And at age 30, you still can do this sort of thing.

So I'm like, all power to take this place. And this was actually fancy-ish. I mean, it had those sliding doors to the bedroom that were like stained glass. I thought it was, yeah. Yeah, I thought so, too. And then he was like, oh, God, the kitchen's a strange shape. I was like, the kitchen was just a standard like U-shaped, I thought, right? Was I crazy?

It's an L-shaped. L-shaped. So it was weird. Yeah, it was kind of weird, but I mean, whatever. It's Europe. And so he doesn't love that. And he's like, I think it's missing overhead cabiny tree. I don't look.

there. It's modern. It's called modern kitchen. You're not supposed to have plates. Yeah. And in modern kitchens, you're only supposed to put cute plates out that everybody can see, and that's all you get. You don't get any pots and pans or anything else. I have open shelves, and it's not the best

decision. I'm like, how much would it cost to put cabinets in this place? Like, can I just hide my dishes? My dishes don't all match. I don't want to have to match my dishes. Yeah, I remember when Dom and I were house hunting, and we found this really, really cute house that was represented by the agency. But the kitchen had no cabinets. Everything was below counter level. And we're like, but there's no what? This is crazy. And they're like, yeah, this is like how Europeans do it. So based on the young

lady who showed us that house, I now am going to pass that off as fact and say, sir, you're in Europe and you're in a European kitchen. So get used to it. Yeah, buckle up, butter. up. So it's like, I don't know. This kitchen is a little bit weird. And she's like, you're a little bit weird. I'm flawed. It does that. She has a retort for everything. They call it a garden. It looks like a concrete area with like rickety sheds. I don't know why they call this a garden, but they do. And he's like, oh my God, it's perfect. And the bathroom's really small. And there's no sink in the bathroom.

Okay. That was the issue. That's where I was like, oh, no, this is not working. And she, this is what I say, like, when she's sarcastic and it's kind of fun, but then she's sarcastic at the wrong times, too. Because he goes, well, where's the sink? And she goes, into kitchen? Stupid fucking guy.

I'm like, I don't want to hear that. I don't remember exactly what she said. I don't know if it's in here. But, like, yeah, don't tell me my bathroom sink is in the kitchen. Because that's not going to work. That's not good sarcasm. Could you show me that sink so I can drown you in it? The fuck kind of answer is that floor.

Yeah, no, that's not good. Also, like, if someone is pooping in that bathroom, I want them to have as quick access to washing their hands as possible. I don't want them coming into the kitchen to wash their poop hands in the kitchen sink. I mean, you can do it. It'll still get clean and everything. People just won't do it. They won't do it.

They'll come out of your bathroom. And then they'll be like, oh my God, can I help you make that meatloaf with my hands? Hey, can I prepare this salad for you? Yeah, exactly. So he's trying to think Palsadip, but it's very hard. He's like, it's quite hard for me. I'm quite picky and I'm a little bit stubborn. And Flores like, keep an open mind, stupid, which can be difficult when you're picking a house.

So she's like, look at me. I can dance on this party, y'all. And he's like, well, I can make it work for chopped. Chop. I can make it work for chop, chop. The patio, there's like this, the patio is sort of cute. It's like a little dingy. But there's like a little seating area.

There's like a shed on the other end of the patio, the seating area. I thought that was kind of cute. Like, this was not like the worst we've seen. We've seen some really just god-awful European apartments. And this one was quirky and I don't think I would want to live there. But I think for his needs, it was largely okay, minus that sink issue. Yeah, so now we go to the next place. It's an affordable, it's an affordable two-bedroom and a better neighborhood.

But is it good for Chop Chop? I like that Linda's like, is it good for Chop Chop, though? And this is where her eye roll. I know, she's like, great. I guess everything revolves around Chop Chop, stupid name. This is where floor set. This is where he's like, well, I could try to make it work, but I feel like the naked is probably outweigh the positives.

It's off the table. And she's like, fine. My commission's higher if you pick the next house. I really don't care. Yeah. So Martin's like, why being stuck in Perth is something that's always been part of Perth people. Both people always go through this when they feel like they need to leave. And then we see pictures of Martin in Perth looking perfectly happy, which I don't know.

They should have picked a picture of him like being upset, you know. But I think it's from being from a city that's very isolated. That's what we leave. That's like El Paso people. I felt like that was a thing growing up in El Paso. But then we all grew up and we're like, I'm just El Paso. That was fun. That was a fun place.

Yeah. I heard, I mean, I've never been to Australia. But Perth is, I hear is like more isolated than you would even imagine. Because I guess like once you get out of Perth, there's like nothing until you get to the other side of the continent. And like maybe Alice Springs. Sounds like a dream. That's where I want to retire. Path. So they are, now they've decided to make a little trip to the Euromast. And someone, is this,

someone named Robin? He has a friend named Robin. Yeah, he's here only for this one scene to go to this to this tall tower. And Martin's like, you know what? You know, I'm like a standard Perth person who just wants to leave. And I decided to make a move at this point in my life because I feel like becoming 30 was a I mean, I'm 30 years old and I've never seen a bridge. That's why I got to go to the land of the bridges. You know, it's getting older scares me. I mean, just look at Robin over here. Can you believe it? He's 27. Looks like he's 65. That can't be me. That'd be terrible. All I ever wanted in Perth was a bridge to leave Perth. Maybe that's why he's so into bridges. He's just like, look, can I live in the airport? I love airports. That's the fanciest thing I've ever seen. Can I live in

the train station. It's like, oh, poor Martin. It just wants to live in places with an escape hatch, you know? Um, so by the way, I just looked my, you know what I hate when you have your laptop plugged in, but it's not actually charging. And I just looked at it's all the way down to 8%. So if my entire, if my laptop dies in the middle of this recap, I apologize to you and to the listeners, just letting you know it could possibly happen. Okay. Well, what if we just posted it anyway. We're like, well, Ben's laptop died. Enjoy the 30 minutes we got. Probably will happen. That's all we're giving to Martin.

That's kind of my way of saying to that, everyone. If my laptop dies, that's what happened with the episode. You're on your own, suckers. We'll have a choose your own adventure for the rest of it. People can just like phone in the rest of the recap for us. So Martin's like, you know what? That he's a big milestone and I don't have an end goal except to die with chop, So I'm going to start at the bottom and work my way up.

Who cares about a career? It's not about a career. It's about your experiences, which you have more of if you have a good career. I mean, I hate to point that out. Yeah. It's about money. Happiness is not all. Money does not equal happiness, but it does equal lots more chances to be happy.

Mm-hmm. It offers lots of chances to eat better meals, which makes you happier. Yeah. See, it all comes around full circle. My computer is now starting to flash. Oh, no, you don't have a power? It's plugged in, but it keeps on like charging, uncharging, charging, charging, so now the screen is going black and white.

Oh, no. Can you plug it into a different area on your computer, a different port? I'm going to try to play around here. We're going to see what we can do here. We're going to get this to work. And he's like, that would be really noise. someone maybe who could help me learn Dutch. So then we see

Flora and him walking along and she's like, do you think Dutch guys are your type? And he's like, yeah, because I like them tall and Dutch guys are always tall. Well, do you think you're their type? That is the question. He's like, oh, I'm very charismatic. Guess what? You can't fuck.

Charisma, stupid. Let me tell you something. The face plant, hunter, mattress doesn't work with Dutch man, good luck. So he's come to the right place to find a new man. But when it comes to finding an apartment, he's picky. Finding a garden right in the middle of the city center, that's going to be a challenge. It's going to be more of a challenge than finding him a man.

Let me tell you something. It's going to be a big challenge on that front. So they go to house number two in Delphshaven, where all the Delphs go to get shaved. and they're centrally located in a very popular location and they're standing outside and like a car drives by and it's like a loud car. It's like, whinces. So it's like, wow, it's going to be a loud, loud street. So they go to this building and it's a second level apartment. Oh, by the way, we forgot to mention the first apartment was also only a one bedroom and he wants two bedrooms. So this one actually has two bedrooms. So this makes them very happy.

It has two bed, one bath. It has a top floor. It's going to have like a pet, a rooftop balcony and everything. But the downside is that it's a noisy street and there's no garden for the dog. Yeah. So he's like, I worry about chop, chop going up these stairs. That's my first concern. And also, I don't like to fake that there's no garden.

So they go in. It's a cute apartment. This one's cute. I think. It is. Yeah. and it sort of like serves like every single one of his needs. Yeah.

There's a little vintage cigarette dispenser thingy on the wall, which is odd, but you know, take it. Everything kind of flows through each other. And he's like, is this fireplace real marble? And she's like, I don't know, put your face on it. If it's cold, then you'll know. And he's like, I'm not falling for that one, bitch. I'll fall face first onto a bid. But I'm not going to put my face onto a fireplace in the Netherlands.

because he doesn't do it. Yeah, and he's like, oh, this furniture comes with the house? Oh, I don't like that catch. I'm like, I think it's the same couch. So why'd you like that one and not this one? Yeah. This one was better than the other one, by the way. I think it was too, yeah.

It was like a mid-century modern. The other one was just kind of like a big boxy IKEA thing. And he's like, I don't like this one. You know, Perth people, we're very picky about our sofas. It's actually our number one complaint in the social issues office. Perth people dream of escape. this sofa and finding a bit of sofa. So could I need you to do a little bit of floor? She's like, well, you look at your own furniture if you like. You know, no one is stopping you from

going to the store. I know. I was glad that she finally said that. It's like, you're, listen, you're getting quite a deal with all this furniture, too, by the way, and you're still going to complain. So he's like, I don't know, it's just a little bit out there. And so then they're just talking about how we can wave out the window. And it's like, yeah, you can wave out the window. And if you don't like the people across the street, you can moon them. You just got floored. She's like, so, would this house be okay with Chop Chop?

I mean, is Chop Chop going to be okay with it? I would hate for your dog not to have a say. And he's basically like, well, I've mixed feelings about it because there's like space, but it's not so practical. And it's a little, you know, the stairs going up there are like really steep for Chop shop. Yeah. And then there's another flight of steps to the bedroom and it's down.

Wait, is that this one? No, there's, no, there's another flight of stairs up to the rooftop. And this is basically like a ladder. It's essentially like a ladder that looks slightly like a staircase. So they go up to the top and, oh, actually, no, they, actually, they haven't, no, I'm sorry. Well, they do eventually go to the top. They already looked at the top.

Oh, okay. Yeah, we're on to the next place. right? I know, I think it's a two-story home. I think that's what it is. I think they went to the second floor, which is where the bedrooms are. Okay, so there's two bedrooms.

They're both the same size. And then guess what he does when he sees the bed? Fop-pong, faceplants onto the bed. And then he's like, all Australians sleep like this. And she's like, really? She's like, I can't quite tell if you're being serious or not. Everyone our day sleeps like this Because they're trying to suffocate themselves

Before they have to be with you Stupid So then he's like Now I want you to do it too Because this will be a really wacky thing And I told all my friends I've got this really cool idea for the show And like I want to make you do it as well

So she starts doing it But they get it from all these angles Which means that they did this multiple times And the cameraman moved around So they were really committed to this bit Yeah So now they go up to the rooftop And he loves it

But Chop Chop can't get up here You know I like that she goes Can Chop Chop do it? He's like, it's a ladder What do you think? Or Chop Chop can't do it No, Chop Chop is definitely not going up there

But there's a really great rooftop And you can even see the Euromast from there So it's like, you know Definitely beautiful views Yeah And he's like It's good for me But not so much good for a chop

Chope. He's getting older. I worry about his limbs in general health. So then we see them walking around together a lot and there's a lot of bikes in a parking lot and he's like, my bike is going to be there soon. Yeah. She's like, that's right. You soon will have a beautiful bike. So then he says, my parents moved to Australia when they were 30. So that decision for me to move felt very similar to their story. And so we see, you know, a little family photo of them all together. And he's saying they're like at these cube houses. Did you? They have these house, these apartments that are squares, but they're turned on their side to look like a forest.

Which, I don't know. Yeah. Cube houses. It's a choice. And he's like, I could never live like that. Cube houses. But I do feel confident about starting over. but the unknown also scares me.

Hopefully you're going to jump very quickly. And she's like, what's your five years plan? Otherwise, here's my five years plan for you. Try to get man, get rejected. Try to get man, get rejected. Go back to Amsterdam, get kicked out again, end up back in Perth crying. Do you have anything to add? Perth people love that sort of plan, so I'm all about it.

I don't have a five-year plan. I don't like to think too far ahead, you see. Because then I get disappointed when I can't reach my goals. The only way they not get disappointed about not reaching your goals is to not sit in me. Like, oh my God, you should be a self-help. You should be a self-help person. Want nothing. Expect nothing. Get nothing. Be happy. Flores like, now you're talking.

My parents told me I should never have any sort of dreams. That's why they need me floor. I've had to enter every job at the floor level. Every single job. You know what? It's all in your name. Damn you for the numerology parents. So she's like, you know, at the beginning, I thought I could sell him anything.

But he's more picky than he shows. And she shows a lot of picky. So, yeah, he's like, you know, it's been hard to find the perfect place because I always look at the worst case scenario. I guess maybe that's how I went up at Rotterdam instead of Amsterdam. So she's like, you're so annoying. And he's like, well, Martin wants a happening neighborhood and a yard for Chachau. So that means he's going to have to sacrifice the space or have Chop Chop put down. You take your choice.

We'll let the audience vote right now. Things got real dark on this episode, but that's life. That's the Martin episode. Everything just gets really negative and terrible. Now for Act 3 of this show, Martin will have to choose between a flat that has a ladder or Chop Chop. Chop Chop's life. So now they're in Nordeland, and this is an island flat, and they're very close to the city center. It's very luxurious, and it's farther from public transport, but it's still only a 10-minute walk, and it looks so pretty.

It's a two-bedroom, one bath. It's on the ground floor, close to the city, garden, far from transit, boo. Pricy, boo. It's $1,700 a month. Now, that's only, I'm so sorry. That's only $100 more. What's so wrong with that? Yeah, it's not like this was like $2,000 more.

He's like, well, if I really like it, I'll consider buying more. So he goes in, this is such a cute space. I loved it. There's exposed beams. It has a really funky style. The kitchen is really strange looking. It's a green and black. But I feel like it's not an orthodox kitchen color palette.

But it's, but it was done thoughtfully in its own way. I loved it. I love the green in the kitchen. And I really hated Martin when he walked in. He's like, I really hate this color. I was like, that's a beautiful. And right now that's very on trend, sir. So whatever, Martin.

Okay. Yeah, that was, it just, it looked, it looked cool. You know, in fact, I thought the last one they went to, I thought aesthetically did not look anything special. I thought it was very generic. So, you know, there's like cool lighting. There's like lots of character in this place. and then he's like saying how, you know,

he really likes to host a lot of dinner parties. So she's like, okay, whatever, Jamie Oliver. Just please don't do naked chef here. We all know if she was really, really down with the gaze. She would have said Nigella Lawson, right? Yeah, Nigella. Yeah, my little Nigella. Microwave, micro wavy.

So, yeah, he hates the green. And then we see the bridge. he can see a bridge from there. And it's the Swan Bridge because it's elegant and asymmetrical, everything that this man is not, basically. So she's like, oh my God, people would kill to have these views and kill to have the bridge. You know why we love bridges here? Because it's a place where we tell Perth people to go jump off of. You love it.

So the bedroom, so we're all waiting for like what is the downside to this place. And it's literally a downside. because if you want to go to your bedroom, it's kind of like an inverted loft. You go down a staircase into your bedroom, which honestly I thought was kind of cool. I liked that. I was like, that's a neat idea.

But the downside is it is loft-like, so it's totally sort of exposed the general area. So if you do have guests, they're going to wake you up. Well, I think that would be the guest room, right? Because there's two bedrooms. So, well, I guess I could say, You could use that as the guest bedroom. But then if you do that, yeah, you're going to be looking down on your guests, which, and yeah, in a loft, when it's above you, you're in the bedroom, but you so have kind of privacy because people can't see that high, you know?

I can't see over the, you know, why am I explaining what a loft is? Well, yeah, yeah, exactly. But if you're just like living there by yourself, like, who cares? And then he goes, the second bedroom is like a small bedroom. and he's like, oh my God, this one's like bed. This is basically just like a closet. I'm like, now, sir, you were the one who said you needed a second room for your clothes. So what's the problem?

Yeah, what are you complaining about? Yeah, it's literally your requirement. So now they check out the garden and it's all overgrown and kind of gross, but, you know, it just needs a good mo. And otherwise it's big. And so he likes that. And he's like, I like gardening anyway, which I don't believe. And then they go to this, yeah, they check out the side. second tiny bedroom. And so now they have to decide, right? So I thought he was going to pick number

three. I thought so too, especially because the dog, like, you know, he wants outdoor space for his dog. And the second one had no outdoor space. I like that house number one wasn't even in contention. Like they started, they put the graphic up with the three houses. And house number one just started with an X over it. I was like, I've never seen such an early elimination. He actually did it in the first scene. He said, this one's out of the. question so they marked it off in the first scene yeah this hilarious yeah um so i'm with you i thought house three was what it was i thought he was gonna be like it just seemed like it was perfect and she's like don't choose on kitchen color okay do not choose on cabinet color stupid we can always

paint cabinets which you can't really i mean you can technically but cabinets are a bitch to paint and they never look right and they chip so easily no no just go get a cabinet color you like even though you're tasteless and those are gorgeous cabinets. But, you know, before he makes his choice, though, the narrator does chime in to remind people of what we're watching. And Linda says, Martin wanted to do something drastic for his 30th birthday. He's hoping his Australian charm will be his biggest asset. Still waiting to see where that comes from. Waiting for that asset to rear itself over here in the recording booth, Martin.

Well, so my charisma's always got me the job. So I want the houses I want. It's just my charisma. But after seeing several options, this completely delusional narcissist has dismissed them or diss them. And he's like, I'm sorry, I'm pretty negative. It's a negative charisma. What can I tell you? Perth people, am I right?

So they're looking at the houses. They go through all the pros and the cons. And it seems for a moment, you know, he asks her, like, which one she would choose? And she's like, well, you know, on the one hand, one, you get to look at the Erasmus Bridge, which is closer to nightlife, which is insane, and it's amazing. And, oh, it's just the perfect apartment. And the other one has a rooftop terrace that you will never be able to bring your dog to. So I don't know, your choice.

She's like, for you, the house I would choose is in Perth. You don't fit here, okay? You are in North-shaped Delph. Yeah. So he chooses... It's a funny call. I'm just laughing because it was just a funny call back to something I didn't think was even registered in the first place. So she's like, ask the geese. They'll have an answer. The geese are like, Perth, Perth, Perth, Perth, Perth, Perth. Go home. Go home. Go home. So he's like, well, here's my decision. I mean, it relates to stairs. Because the first one had really steep stairs going into the house.

The other one has stairs going into the bedroom. So which has to, where should Chop Chop be robbed of? The outdoor area or my bedroom? Well, I'm sleeping with Chop Chop. I'm taking number two. Where should Chop Chop have a terrible accident in your four on your bedroom? Chop Chop's destined to have a terrible fall either way in either one of these houses. These are not dog.

This is not Chop Chop friendly living. It's not. So he does choose house number two. And by the way, our note taker, Shelby says, as a dog lover, I would be remiss to say that he is now a proven liar that Chop Chop was his main priority because those steps are horrendous for a dog, justice or Chop Chop. Which is true. I agree with you. Because Chop Chop has to go up those stairs every single day just to go pit. Yeah.

Yeah. So he's like life and roddit him. It's really good. It's cold, but I love the cosmopolitan lifestyle. And I've found a job as an executive assistant. And then we see him walking Chop Chop, and he's made a new friend. We see him walking with a friend. And then we see him on the couch with Chop Chop, which again he lied,

because he says he was always on the left of the couch, and Chop Chop is on the right, which is disproven here. You know what, Shelby? I'm getting this one at a Pulitzer. She's really good. She's debunking at all. She's like, this man is not full of charisma. He's full of lies. Yeah.

About Chop Chop. And he's like, I've had about four days, but I'm 30. I've got to choose right because I can't get a crazy person. Like, girl, you ain't getting called back after those four days. Who are you kidding? Every single one of your date says like, your dog can't make it up the stairs. You're a horrible person for me in here. Yes.

Yes. Yeah. No, listen, this is a, you're in, these Dutch men are so fine and you're at, you're at, you're acting like you're the one who has to be picky here. Excuse you. So should I just move to Deutschland? Do you mean Germany or Dutch? You mean to Amsterdam or I mean Netherlands? Yeah, Deutschland. I mean, I loved it. I say yes. Those guys are hot there. When I was in college, the Dutch rowing team came to my college and trained for two weeks because there's a river by my college and they would take their boat and they would go up and down the river and they'd

be all over campus and they were all like six seven and blonde and muscular they all had terrible body odor i will remember their body odor to this day but wow these were some hot men awesome you can always deodorize them i guess you know yeah they were really funny they just were like around they kind of like they were just like they'd just be the normal places you'd normally be at but there would be like a tall, hot, stinky man there. And they would like sit down at the table with you. And you'd be like, hello. So, am I, is my computer dying?

Is it over? The, the Dutch people are. So everybody, sorry about that. You're going to have to imagine what that was like. For now, just go to bed and feel titillated by the body odor of the Dutch. Let me go save my computer. Thank you, everyone, for bearing with me on this episode. We sure love you guys. We'll talk to you next time.

Bye. Bye.