Watch What Crappens - Dwell Hello #512: Forget Paris, We’re Buying in Bordeaux

Episode Date: June 6, 2025

Imagine two dull people moving to France. That’s the hook of this episode! This is a recap of House Hunters International Forget Paris, We’re Buying in Bordeaux, and we watched it on Max.Find bonus episodes at patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens and follow us on Instagram @watchwhatcrappens @ronniekaram @benmandelker Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

And welcome to Dwell. Hello. It's a watcher crap. It's House Hunters podcast. I'm Ben. That's Ronnie. Hi, Ronnie. How's it going? Good. What's going on with you, baby? Baby. Just ready to talk some house hunters. Today, House Hunters International. It's volume nine, season 198, episode four, forget Paris. We're buying in Bordeaux. This is available on Max. This is one, I think that I actually just picked out. because a lot of our suggestions that you guys have all been so nice to send in. Many of them have been rendered moot because Max offloaded a whole bunch of their back catalog of house hunters off to, you know, the abyss. So we are definitely in the market for more new suggestions. So send them our way to watcher crappins at gmail.com and use the subject to well hello suggestion. But for now we got. Yeah, just make sure you're watching them on Hulu or Max so we can find them.

Make sure they're not behind a paywall Beyond that We're cheap Yeah, and we want to make it easy for everyone else to watch it Without having to like fork out Fork out money, you know Yeah. So this one is, as I said before,

forget Paris, we're buying in Bordeaux. You ready to do it, Bonnie? What's the title? That was me saying it twice Because it's also the title of the show. Like, we want to live in Paris. But we're cheap. We're going to Bordeaux.

Hideous Bordeaux. Which is, By the way, where's the home goods in Bordeaux? Nowhere. Bordeaux is a great, it's a great city for this couple because they seem bored and they look like dough. And also I'm sure Bordeaux is absolutely gorgeous. I'm just making fun of it because this couple.

And I don't think they really like each other. So this couple met each other online. She's like, we met how most couples meet these days on apps. And I was like, you must have been just giving up at this point. Because I feel like you both, I feel like they both lightly hate each other. And she says things like, well, I was really into wine. So now he's kind of into wine too. So that's kind of our thing.

I'm like, he still hates it. One of you still hates wine. I don't think you like each other. You're settling. Yeah, it's also funny because they're like moving to the land. The big selling point is that, oh, if you really are into like wine and oysters, you come to Bordeaux. And it turns out she's like never even had an oyster before. I was like, you're a little bit of a faker.

She's a settler. And I'm telling you, she's settling for Bordeaux, even though she wanted Paris. And she settled for this man, even though she wanted anyone else. Anyone else. But they meant over apps, literally apps, little small olives and bread straws. Well, no, that would be a good marriage. I feel like if you meet someone over apps and you like them, you're okay with eating around them. You're okay with them eating around you.

They're not disgusting. They don't like put their olive pit up their nose. or whatever, you know that they're presentable. That's a good way to me. Yeah. Well, it would also be, maybe she meant they met in apps, which would not be good because that's like in a church. And like they're going to have a very serious relationship. Cathedral specifically.

Okay, moving on. So Bob and Julie always dreamed of buying a place in Paris. They also dreamed of flying and starring in the NBA. Oh, well, settled. So we see Bob and Julie strolling around the streets of Bordeaux And Bob tells us, well, when we saw the numbers financially, we decided Paris wasn't really the right place for us.

Bordeaux is like Paris, but cheaper. Just how Julie is like Giazza, but, you know, not. Cheaper. She's cheaper. There I said it. It was on the free plenty of fish. That's where we met. on the free payment plan of OKCupid. So then we meet our favorite realtor in France.

Adrian, she is a repeat customer, and by customer, I mean actually the person's selling. She is a repeat realtor on House Hunters International. I think anytime they film something in the south of France, they get Adrian, who I think is like a New Yorker, but she comes on with a beret and big glasses. And she's like, so they want to be in the dead center, but the buildings are going to be older.

and there's going to be some challenges with that. Nothing of Beret can't help. Yeah, she's got a beret for every occasion, every color. That's her thing. She's like, berets, they're my thing. Look me up on the apps. So she's here. I think one of the times we saw it was when that big bear gay guy

wanted to move to Paris and be a cabaret singer. And she's like, you know what? All he wants to do is singing a cabaret? What am I going to do? Tell him no. So I found him a place above a McDonald's. Yeah. The show was tini's, but you know,

He could still sing in it. It'll be, well, work, it'll be fine. I put a beret on him. He was happy. What was his thing? Was he like a Celine Dionne?

I don't remember. Yes. It was something extreme. He is like, he was like from Kentucky and had just gone through a breakup and wanted to like escape to like niece or something and start up like a cabaret to sing show tunes.

It was like a very specific need that he had. And he called her. I just remember they looked at every place they looked at the shower stall was too small for him. He's like, I'm a big bear. I can't fit in this thing. Why you're going to have to? It's France.

All right. So we see some clips from them looking at listings and being like, oh, my God, the ceilings are so low. It's Bordeaux, Julie. Don't complain about the ceilings. How do you think the ceilings feel about you? Okay. They're like, we have settlers in us.

Okay. We need people with higher standards inside of us. Something Julie never said, by the way. Okay. So here we are. House Hunters international. New York, New York, the Hudson River, the New York skyline. Bob and Julie are at home.

Bob Higgins. Of course, his name is Bob Higgins. So Julie is, by the way, even our note taker said they look like a Julie and Bob Higgins. They do, don't they? I said that before I even read that note. This is like some basic shit, you know, some basic townspeople. Like, hey, we need a name for the next door neighbors of the couple. neighbors of the couple, they're mentioned, I don't know, Smith. Come on, could you do better than

Smith, Higgins? All right, just go with Higgins. No other than Higgins. Let's get the Higgins on the show. Yeah. So she's like, well, we met like most couples do these days in a very boring way, online. We both were living in New York City at the time and just happened to come across each other on the apps. We were on SettleforLife.com. It was a great, great decision. I could do better, but why bother.com. That's been fun. So we see photos of them doing things, you know, Higgins type couples do. Hiking. They wear matching rain ponchos.

We both got two coffees with milk together at Starbucks. That was a thrill that day. He likes oats. I like almond. That was a sticking point. He's a little bit country. I'm a little bit alt country. No. So then we see them having a picnic in the park. And Julie's like, look, I got some beautiful French cheese. We should move to this cheese. Can we live in this cheese? I just love French cheese. I'm not going to specify the kind of cheese. Just know it's French. Because if the cheese comes from France kind of people. Yeah. It's just a French cheese. If you meet a Higgins, the weight of their heart is to bring them French cheese.

Stick a little French flag in it on toothpick, and I am sold. And they have a little picnic and he pour some wine in a glass. And Bob's like, I work for an international retailer where I'm director of AI operations. Oh, hell no. You know, I backed up my chair and was like, Bob, you are going to get so much shit for this online. Yeah. Well, he's the one who clearly programmed, like when you go to Banana Republic online and you need to get a refund. And it's like, hi, I'm Susan.

How can I help you today? And you're like, I need a refund. Okay. I can send you to the Myanmar. office now or we can talk about would you like a job? It's like no, I want to refund. Okay, I'll get you to an operator right away. But first, a little more, let's have some information about you.

More about, yeah. So you want a subscription to our service. Is that way, no, that's not what I fucking said. I want to sue you in your fucking pants off. That's what I want. Oh, so you want me to send you more of what we've already sent you. Great. I'll send you to the Spanish line.

Hold, please. Fucking a. Also, speaking. Speaking of AI fucking with me, I turned on, I got in my car the other day and turned on my car and I say lady in the car, Siri. You're not supposed to say her name, but I said it. And I was like, hey, could you tell me the directions to whatever? And she comes on. She's like, hey, she had a totally different voice.

I was like, who the fuck are you? You're not the voice I've had all these years. They just decided to change the voice without telling me. I was not okay. And I was like, you know what, Ronnie? It's a little change. It shouldn't be that big of a deal. I drove around pissed all day every time I talk to her with this new voice.

And I don't like the new like. Everyone was my son. She used to go on vacation. She's like, listen, sir's out right now. But listen, you got you got joy here. Okay, I can help you. I can enjoy. Yeah, no, it was some rando.

I didn't approve of that. That's assault. You can't just like slip in a new person into my car. It's my private space. I was mad by the director of operations. Bob, Bob Higgins. I was mad last night because I was trying to get a refund for my internet fee that I paid on Fin Air when I flew back from Norway because it was like a freaking 11 hour flight and I paid. I was like, I'm going to pay for internet the whole way, which is expensive. And so I paid for it. And after like two hours, the internet went out and like it didn't come back on. And the flight tens were like, oh yeah, the antenna must be broken. So I paid for like 11 hours of internet and only got two hours. And so I would like a refund. And so I, there was like no, of course, Veneer does not have a refund your, your internet payment link.

So I like went on to the little chat bubble and I was like, hi, I'd like to get a refund for the internet for the internet. Like, is this about an existing booking? Okay. And then it was like a loop of questions over and over and over again. I couldn't get anywhere. And I'm going to blame Bob Higgins for this because he's the one who is the AI programmer. Seriously, they're the worst when you get stuck in those loops. Oh, so frustrating.

I just start doing it. And I start yelling at it. I'm like, operator. Operator, operator, operator, operator. Operator. Well, Julie has some news for you. I work in e-commerce for fashion and retail companies, so we work remotely, which makes it easy for us. We also emote remotely, which makes it easy for us.

I emoted about five minutes ago, but it won't show up for you for about seven minutes, just because it has to get past central. We are two very remote people. in our passion and in our work. So Bob is cutting a wedge of Brie on his lap. I hope that nobody told Julie that because I just wanted to see if Julie could figure out what it is. She's like, wow, what an odd way of cutting that French cheese. Does that how the French do it?

Yeah, he didn't have a cutting board. It was so weird. He was just sort of doing it. And it was like on his lap or his hand. I was like, I just, it was very unsettling. He was like, I didn't like it. Your doctors are not a cutting board, Bob. Don't worry. She works in e-commerce so she can get them a replacement if things go awry.

And he says that they travel a lot together and they've experienced some really cool places. We have seen the Walmart in every country. Let me tell you that. We've been to Hagen's Land, which many people don't know is actually right next door to Dollywood. Yeah, it's a great amusement park. They've got a merry-go-round and a hall of presidents. But the presidents are presidents of Target. it. Yeah. So it's a great, it's a great amusement park. So he's like, I've always been pulled towards Paris as an additional place to live. But financially, Paris wasn't the right place. So I saw Bordeaux. I said it's basically discount Paris. Let's go there, discount Giata.

So she's like, yeah, we realized that we were instantaneously in love with it because it had everything we loved about Paris, French people, French cheese, buildings, cars. And, some of the bigger cities that we went to, you know, it just didn't have the price tag and the tourist that you have to deal with. So we really liked it a lot. Yeah, she's like, oh, and you know,

and it just doesn't have the tourists. It has you. Yes. I feel like Bordeaux does have tourists quite a bit. Bordeaux is not like some podunk city. Like Bordeaux is famous. I love when Americans go to buy places in another country and they're like, ew, tourists.

You're not just a regular country. because you're buying a house there, you know. I mean, you're the one who later on the episode is going to be like, what's an oyster? How do I eat it? Come on. Oh, girl. I dare you to go into a store and ask for French cheese in Bordeaux and see what they do

to your ass. Yeah, exactly. So we go back to the, so basically it's like, would you, he's like, Bree, my Cracker. She's like, what? It's like, Bree, my Cracker. What's Bree? Do you mean the French cheese bomb? So now we go to Bordeaux, France.

And people are at outdoor cafes. They go in and out of shops as there's cobblestone streets, you know, very fronged. Yeah, and Bob's like, you know, I think first and foremost is just a different pace of lifestyle. You know, in the States, you just kind of like live to work. And the difference is we want to flip it around. We really want to work to French cheese, you know?

She's like, yeah, this is a permanent move. And we're just like really looking to completely relocate our lives and really kind of bring down the housing values around us in Bordeaux. We want to ungentrify a neighborhood in Bordeaux. We want to bring. American cheese. Also, Bob is one of those people who thinks he's making up

idioms. He's like, yeah, you know, I've been thinking about it. We'd rather work to live than live to work. You understand? Everybody write that down? Okay. That's a Bob. That's a Bobism. How do you say cookie in French?

Okay, that's the way the bonjour crumbles. Am I right, everyone? So we see the travel over the globe, the huge house hunters globe spins. And now here we are. And here we go with Adrian. She's like, I'm Adrian. I got a green

beret on today. I don't want to hear any lip about it either. Okay, keep your lip in America. This is France. Okay, I'm not, let me tell you something. I did not serve in the military, but I will rock a green beret like you've never seen before. Okay. Because we all have our viewpoint of how

we want to see our lives. You know, and for Bob and Julie, their viewpoint is extreme. boring and also cheap and very sad and settling. I mean, they chose Bordeaux over Paris. Can you even believe it? I've got the perfect spot for them. It's a generic white apartment with white walls and a little slab of Brie in the center of it.

Enjoy. You know, well, I was telling you, don't be disappointed in what I show you. For me, home is where the Beret is. Bob's writing it down to say that later. He's like, I'm totally selling that in an ebook later. So, thank you. Thank you, Adrian. I need it too.

So, you know what? Bordeaux gets a lot of attention because it's the largest wine producing region in the world. And if you love oysters and you love the Atlantic, then you're going to love this part of France. Wait, you've never, you've never been to, never had an oyster? You don't even like the Atlantic? What the fuck are these two people doing here? Vineyards in the Bordeaux region span over 250,000 acres that neither of these people will be welcoming. Okay, thanks. So then Julie's like, oh my God, I also love wine and I'm learning more and more about wine each day.

I mean, Bob was more into it, but now I'm into it. I'm learning so much about it. Did you know it's from grapes? So Bob is like, yeah. And, you know, we're a two-hour train ride from Paris. Boo, stupid city in the north. So. Wow, how convenient.

That's so convenient. Yeah, don't you love that? I can basically eat dinner in Paris every night if I wanted to. It's two hours away. By the way, I just want to say they're like kind of living my dream. And I'm like, they're so stupid moving to Porto. God. I'm so jealous.

So Adrian's like, okay, so at the moment the housing market in France is quite depressed, mainly because these people are coming in. They're just all depressed that this is what's turning into their beautiful city. But anyway, the interest rates are up. Not in these people. No one's interested in these people. But, you know, people can't afford to buy much. But it means there's a lot of really good real estate at really good prices.

You can get a flat here for the low price. stuff wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. So here's our wish list. Two bedroom, two bath, separate offices, Bordeaux, hypercenter. Okay, you want a two bedroom, two bath, and also two offices, and you want to pay $5. First of all. And you want to live in the hypercenter, which I love. It's called the hypercenter.

They're going to this old, like, beautiful city with this like gothic architecture and like vineyards. And it's all picturesque and bucolic and European. It's like the hypercenter. I'm like, whoa. It's just a bunch of unmedicated children jumping around. Hyping things up. And I also want a full-size fridge, which I think is funny.

I guess you have to put that on when you travel, you know. You're like, oh, we need a fridge. Okay. Yeah, and most importantly. Bordeaux charm, because, I mean, what's the point to moving to Bordeaux if you don't feel like you're in Bordeaux? I'm like, if you live in Bordeaux, you will feel like you're in Bordeaux. I'll tell you that right now. Yeah, and they want to spend $375,000.

So good luck on your four fucking bedroom office complex. In the heart of Bordeaux. Okay. And like old Bordeaux character. So now we go to a cafe and Bob's like, oh, ideally too bad, too bath. I mean, look, we work remote. So we need two desks and we don't want to talk over each other in the same room. Okay.

All right. Let's talk about location. Where you guys want to live? Hypercenter. Anybody down for the hypercenter? Those kids need help. I suggest just going to the hyper center. You want to feel like a good person.

Throw your brain asking them to catch it. They'll bring it back to you. They run themselves out. Julie's like, well, as one half of the Higgins duo, if there's anything that I've known for, it's for being hyper. So I would like to be in the hypercenter of Bordeaux. And coming from New York City,

we're used to having everything right outside our doorstep. So if we could also have some rats in the hypercenter, that would be wonderful. We've got right outside the doorway. We've got a deli. we've got a bank, we've got a person sleeping, we've got a pile of poo-poo. We've got a used syringe. So if you could recreate that somehow.

A cowboy wearing only underwear playing the guitar can he be put in front of our doorstep? So Adrian goes, okay, all right, all right. Let's talk about the kitchen. Do you need a turkey oven? Which I love that she said that because she's had to deal with so many Americans that have been like, I just want to have an oven big enough to make a turkey when my parents come. Do you need a fucking turkey oven? You know you can't even get a turkey here, right?

That was really funny. She just laughs at herself. And Julie's like, I mean, it would be nice to have some sort of an oven, a French oven. French oven. I'm really big into roasting vegetables, okay? And I like to bake every once in a while, you know, vegetable-y type things. I don't think you got my humor. Turkey oven.

I was talking about this galute over here, your husband. Do we need him here? Turkey oven. And he's like full-sized refrigerator is mandatory. Mandatory. Okay, and let me guess you want nice views. Do you want nice views too? Wow.

You two. You two are really a mystery. Let me guess. You want some Rococo finishes. You want to quote unquote feel like France. You know, you know who lives in those generic white box apartments? French people. Okay.

And he's like, well, we've lived in a bunch of white boxes in the States before. And we just want something where you know you're in a different country. You're in Bordeaux. You know, you just want character. You want charm. Not necessarily in a partner. And we both be screwed. But our surroundings, that would be nice.

Okay. So no white boxes. I wish I could say the same for my new clients. I got two of them right here. Two white boxes. 375 is your budget. So she's like, wow. So they want to be dead center of town.

I get that. I get it. But the building's going to be older. There's going to be some challenges with that. I'm going to love watching them try not to cry. Let's go show them some bullshit. Come on. So now we go to the Bordeaux hypercenter, which, because it's French, is pronounced the Bordeaux

Hypercenter. So it's beautiful, of course. It's gorgeous. I'm going to be able to sing out there. Hypercentor. You know, I was the president of the French hall. Adrian is like, okay. So as you can see, we're really in the heart of Bordeaux.

Okay, this is the Hipportcenter, as they call it. Okay, hold on one second. Uh, Bonjour, Madame and Monsieur Uh, two white boxes coming through. Okay. Let's go to the first apartment.

So the hypercenter. No, the ebal, went. So the hypercenter. The ebolson. So the hypercenter. All right.

You know, we're not doing this all day. Times is ticking. There's only so much daylight. Bordeaux. Let's go. So this street we're about to turn on to, as I understand it,

is the longest pedestrian street in Europe, which means you have so much space to see the people running away from you. Look, I think that one's, saying, oh, no, more Americans. This is the longest street that you're going to notice that people are crossing as you walk towards them.

You're going to love it. What's great about the street is that you can walk so many blocks and not be interrupted by a car while you look at people close the shutters over their windows. It's the longest pedestrian street, and you are the most pedestrian people I've met in a long time. If you listen closely, you'll hear them saying, ego east, egoist. in this case they mean go east get out of the city all right the location's gray is an old building lots of characters which they want um it's the color of talkers so bob that's for you and there's a fully

equipped kitchen in here okay and by fully equipped i mean you don't cook why are we lying okay let's go in vegetable lady come on yeah here you get to get your turkey ready because you're gonna do a lot of cooking in here so bob's like wow this is perfect there's a tram stop right here a pharmacy a grocery store This is awesome. Yeah, it's everything we're looking for. I was really hoping to live next to a pharmacy. Here we are. So glad to live next to the tram.

These two people are two trams. Like, I mean, tram is like the saddest name for a vehicle. It's a tram. It's like, got on a tram. Okay, so. It's on a tram.

So this is under budget. It's $370,000. So it's $5,000 under budget. What's the catch though? Okay, well, you know, you might need a little extra and you're going to see why. Because, yeah, come on in. Come on in to this place de la Victoire. So they go in.

It's all right. I actually don't mind this one so much. You know, they've got a nice kitchen, right? They've got a nice living space. It's well located. It's under budget. They just don't like the size of the bedrooms. Well, it's two-bed, one bath, no offices.

Okay. One of the bedrooms, isn't it this one? one with like the window, like the glass wall. Yeah, like a window thing, which is not a bedroom. Okay. So, yeah, that's a bedroom. It is. It is.

And Bob's like, I don't want to watch Julie poop. I need another bathroom. She's like, well, Bob, you know what? No one wants to watch a Julie poop. Okay. But that's what is going to happen. It needs work and it's small. Okay, but you're under budget.

So, look, you've got all the amenities. It's a great spot. I love it. You'll take it. Great. Okay. Here's sign this paper. It's like, wait a minute.

Not so fast, Adrian. But there's like a window here. All right, well, hang a drape. I don't know. You're in France. You can find a textile. Okay. I like that.

She goes, what is this? A fish tank? And she's like, oh, gosh. You know what you do? Hang up a curtain. That's what you do. And then later in the episode, he's like, but that's a window. And then she goes, well, but she gave us options.

She gives us very viable options on addressing that. It was a curtain, Julie. It was a curtain from her e-commerce. perhaps. And of course Bob wants to take that that glassy bedroom to be his office. And Julie's like, no. She's like, Bob may think that he's going to get the actual office. But when we were in the city, I would work right next to my pillow. And I don't want to do that anymore. This guy, this fucking guy made her sit there and work on her bed. She gets the office this time. I'm sorry. You can tell Bob's that kind of guy. You can just fucking read it all over.

Cutting cheese on his thigh, forcing Julie to do work on the bed. I don't like that. Yeah. And so she's like, It's my turn for an office. He works with a fucking robot. So then we go, so Adrian's like, all right, here's the other bedroom. But here's the trick. And to go into the bedroom, you got to go through the bathroom. Oh, God, I got to watch Julie poop. I'm just trying to go to the bedroom.

Yes, Bob. All right, this is the Julie poop entrance. So my, like, one of my apartments here in L.A. for a few years, it had this layout where in order to get to the bedroom, you do have to go through the bathroom. but it was fine because the toilet section was like in its own behind its own door. Like a water closet or whatever. Do you remember that apartment? Yeah.

Remember? So like it was like the bathroom was sort of yes, you had to go through it, but you weren't going through some going to the bathroom. But in this case, the bathroom hallway is like the toilet's like right in the center of it. And in fact, the toilet I think faces the door into the bedroom. That is an issue because if someone's pooping, you're like trapped. Like I can't go out of the bed. I can't come out of the bedroom until they're done pooping.

I feel like we see so many awkward bathrooms on House Hunters International. Like, what is it with other countries? Like, other countries aren't private about pooping. They're like, okay, well, here, okay, this place comes with a popcorn machine and there's a toilet attached to it. Like, what? Why do I have to poop? Where the popcorn is being made? Like, that's how we do it here.

What do you want from me? They do weird shit. They do such weird shit. So last week, I stayed. in a hotel for one night. And it was like this old building. So they kind of like built out the bathroom inside. Like the room is like a rectangular room.

And they kind of like built the bathroom inside the room and then encased it in glass. And what you do is you open up this like frosted glass door and you're in like a triangle wedge. Like imagine a pizza slice and that's the bathroom. And the sink is at the wide side of the pizza slice and the, and the toilet is there too. They're both on the wide side of the slice. but to get to the shower, there's another door. You enter in one side of the slice,

on one side the glass slice, and the other side of the glass slice is another door, and you go through that, and it's another pizza slice, but going in the other direction. So you have these two triangles that are nested next to each other. So you're going through this like warren

of frosted glass pizza slices. And because there were like these triangles, it was really weird because you feel like you're in a square, but you're in a triangle. So every time you back up, your butt cheeks hit the narrow part of the pizza.

It was the weirdest thing. I was like, why do they design these bathrooms so strangely? I don't know. I think sometimes people are just like, I don't want just square, square, square. We do something interesting. It's like, okay, but now how do I fit my butt in here? It's a triangle. I know.

When I was showering and every time I backed up, it would be like, oh my God, I'm getting my butt prints on this frosted glass every time I just try to move around. Do you remember that hotel we stayed in in Austin that they were like, it's very European. Okay, so the bathroom sink was in the room. Like it looked like it would be a bar or a counter, but it wasn't. It was the bathroom but then you have to go into the

bathroom, but then the bathroom was just a shower and then the toilet is in the shower. And they're like, that's how they do it in Europe. So they told us. They're like, that's how they do it in Europe. I'm like, okay. And they said, does it bother you? It shouldn't bother you. I mean, the toilet's in the place. I said it's just a weird design thing because I turn on

the shower, like you turn on the shower, you go to the bathroom and then you get the shower, right? Because you let the shower warm up or whatever. But now you can't do that because you're like showering the toilet at the same time. And then I was like, why am I having this discussion with the person at the desk? I was just curious as to why it was just such an odd way to design it. Like we've been doing hotels in America for hundreds of years now, guys. And they're like, but zero away. Have the have the bathroom sink in the in the room by the bed and then have the pooper and that's how they do in Europe.

And another weird thing they do in Europe too is they'll sometimes, like, instead of having a shower door or even a, like, a shower curtain, what they do is they just have like this little panel of glass right near the shower head. Like, it's like a foot wide. And it's like, that's enough. That's all you need. And you get water everywhere because, of course, you say how the shower. Have you seen my bathrooms here?

Yeah, that's what I have now here. That's how I did my house in L.A. But it's because I couldn't find places that would ship me longer or wider, I guess, shower glass. And so I was like, that'll be fine. And it's so short and there's water all over the floor every time. And my sister's like, you need to get this fix. I'm like, no, it's like a, we stay in Europe. It's European.

Yeah, that's what I say now. It's European. The other thing that they did. So thanks for giving me excuses on my short. I also experienced also another, a new type of shower in Norway, which was, it's like the, it's like the, it's like the, it's like, It looks like a phone booth. And so in order to get into the shower, both, it's like, it's in the corner. So you got two walls as part of the shower saw.

But the other two walls are like glass and they both open up like a double door. And then you close it together like a double door. It was the weirdest thing ever. And somehow I messed it up and I got water everywhere because you have to close boat. It's like, I'm like, why are they both doors? Why do you need two doors here? Why do we need to reinvent bathrooms, okay? Bathrooms are like the most utilitarian thing we have as human beings.

Poop, clean. Why is this so hard? Yeah, it does seem to be crazy hard. Okay, so they look at that toilet and they're like, I don't know about that. Bob's like, watching Julie poop. That's not the way I want to go to sleep. And so they're like, but it's worth it because there's a pharmacy here.

And we'd have to renovate the bathroom, which you're not going to be able to do for that five grand of your saving anyway. And I've heard all I've heard about. like renovating things in France is that it's a nightmare. It's a true nightmare getting construction done in France. So now, uh, it's got to be because I don't even think they use, they don't even do construction like we do. Like people make fun of America construction because it's like sticks and what do they call it sticking, stick in something construction where it's wood and drywall. And they think that they're like, why isn't it stone built like castle from 500 years ago? Well, because we're

used to burning our houses down here. Just or remodeling the bathroom for 10 grand. You know, there it's like, nope, get a stone cutter. Because you're going to be here for a long time. Yeah. No, I've just, I've just heard that like getting like contract. If we think contractors in the U.S. are difficult, I've heard that the contracts in

France, contractors in France are extremely difficult and they don't show up and yada yada. Of course, that's a mass generalization, but I've just heard like, it's like a nightmare. France and Italy, a nightmare getting construction done. So, um, So anyway, now it's time to go. They're done with house number one.

The next one they're going to look at is going to be moving ready. But first we go down to the street where Bob and and Julie are going to be trying oysters for the first time, or at least Julie will be. So she's out there and she's like, oh, my God. And Andrew's like, okay, here's your chance to try oysters. If you're lucky, you'll get some hepatitis and we can end this entire facade. I mean, charade. A charade of a fun fact. One out of every hundred oysters is, is something.

poisonous. Julie, why don't you go first? Well, being in Bordeaux right now is both exciting and terrifying, mainly because I think I just drank a pearl. But I'm excited for this new adventure and, you know, coming to a place that I love, or rather a place two hours south of a place that I love. But at the same time, it's going to be tough finding a group of people here when we don't know about anybody. And every time we walk by, they point and laugh and say something about American cheese. And Bob's like, yeah, it's going to be real weird to move here. I mean, we don't get to call Amazon to get same-day delivery anymore.

What the F is that about? Yeah. Yeah. So why are you moving to France if you want these things? So. Yeah. That's a good question. So then we go, so he's like, ladies first.

He's treating her like she's the royal taster to make sure this shit isn't poison, which I love. And she's like, oh, my God. I mean, it tastes like the ocean. And he just looks at her. She's like, but it's delicious. You know what? Bob is definitely more demonstrative than Julie, but don't underestimate Julie. I hear those under the breath comments. I guarantee she gets whatever she wants. Or she's just deeply unhappy in this marriage she settled for. Either way, she's getting out of you.

I love this lady. She's like, do not underestimate Julie's superpower, passive aggressiveness. Okay? She was passive aggression. She will get what she wants. Don't count around yet. So now they're walking in a really busy spot. And Adrian's like, so as you can see, we're on a major shopping street. You know, anything you want here. But like the department's not on this street, but it's really busy. It was the hepa centa, et cetera. And so they're like, oh, wow.

And Julia's like, maybe a little bit too bustling for me. I'm like, I feel like a child passing by on a scooter is too bustling for her. Okay, lady who really wants to live in Paris. I know. So now we go to the house number two in Portugal. So Adrian's like, yeah, we're looking for a place. It's a little more expensive, but more space. It's going to feel more like a house.

It's in the center with exposed stone. We don't want to watch Julie poop. Anything else? All right. All right. You guys, get ready. No elevators here. Going to the top floor.

So you have to go to the top floor of this thing. It's Europe, walk up, et cetera. And they're like, oh, God. And so they hate that it's a walk-up. but like she's like, oh, come on, it's a walkup. You'll live. Come on. We'll get to the top.

I love that. I love that like Adrian's fine with it. And they're just like, oh, my God, so many stairs. Well, she makes them walk all the way up the stairs and they're like breathing hard. And she says, okay, but there's one little downside. You just walked me up five flights of stairs. And now that now you have a downside. The downside is we went to the wrong floor.

It's all the way in the first floor. We're going back down. It's literally the downside. It's $3.85, so it's $10,000 over. And Julie does not love that. So this is two-bed, two-bath, fifth floor, good location, spacious and charming, but it's pricey and there's lots of stairs. Yeah, the walk-up, that is tough. I mean, every time you bring groceries home, you have to go up a five-story staircase. That's a lot. But you'll be toned. And, you know, people can do it. Obviously, people can do it because Adrian had no problem going up those stairs when they were huffing and puffing. So it's like really, it's got a nice, like, open layout. It's bigger. It's really nice. This is a really nice place. They've got like nice good kitchen amenities, good view. use. It's also two stories, right? So there's like good separation of space. Yeah, this one's definitely the prettiest place. The kitchen amenities are new. Okay, there's a full bathroom attached with the full shower, toilet, and washing machine. Okay, they're like, I'll watcher in the

bathroom. Okay, you got to get over that one because that's going to be everywhere. Yeah, you should just be so lucky to have. I'm always surprised when people complain about the washing machines. I feel like I spend enough time living in apartments where I had to go all the way down to the basement to do my laundry that anytime I see any in unit washer or dryer, I'm just grateful. I don't care where it is. You could put in the middle of the living room. We didn't even have that. So I would have to take it to the laundromat. And it's awful. I think anytime you have something like that on the premises, you should just like just get down on your knees and kiss the ground. Yeah, that's worth it. This place, the washing machine and dryer was outside. It was like in this kind of shed thing. And I was like, that's not going to work. We have to make a space inside. So I crammed a new closet in there to put like a stackable. And then I went to my friend's house and her washing machine was outside. And I said, oh, so yours is outside.

Does that work for you? And she's like, yeah, that's just how you do it. It's California. What are you going to do? I was like, God damn it. That was a lot of money. And I could have just been happy with what I had. So yeah, now when I see it, I'm like, just be happy with what you have.

So idiots. Speaking of idiots, so they go upstairs. And by the way, this is an entire laundry list of everything I did wrong on my house. It's like a confessional. Every type of bathroom I saw in Norway. So they go upstairs to look at the second bedroom. And since it's upstairs, it's like a slope ceiling. And so then Bob, of course, is annoying about it.

He's like, what? Oh, my God. I'm going to hit my head. He goes, I forgot my helmet at home. Oops. Oh, my God. I'm going to. I'm like, you're.

grown adult, you'll be able to deal with a slanty ceiling. Okay. It's not that hard. Yeah, I mean, I get it if these guys are looking with a couple million bucks, but they're looking for $375,000 in Bordeaux. In the city center. Yeah. In a major city. Oh, like, come on. The woman is not a miracle worker. Just because she has like berets like a miracle worker, it doesn't mean that she can actually work a miracle. That's why you get a beret. That's the way you get a beret. You get a nice felt beret on your head and protect yourself against those sloping ceilings. No. So that's why she does it.

So Julie is like, well, so they talk about the place. And Julie's like, well, it's pricey and it has problems. But we do have separate spaces. And you can't beat the window views. I disagreed with this. The window views, I didn't like it all. Because they were, weren't they just a view on the other apartments? You're in France.

Like, don't you want to like see fancy things? The first one had good like, fancy views, but this one you're like literally looking into your neighbor's apartment. So that's okay, but to be like, oh, wow, the views. It's of some hairy dude's asshole across the street. And they're like, wow, and the location's great. Like Port Kilo, Kalu, whatever, is right out the windows. And so our recapber, Chandler, did some research on Port Kallu and said that it is a historical landmark in Bordeaux of France as built in 1495. It's a monument with a castle like exterior, which was once the main gate to the city.

These people have a view of a landmark, a historical landmark, and they're going to still complain about the slope ceiling. I don't. I can't, like, I don't want to hear it. Everything is great. Well, that's a contender, but I have to get past the price. So to lower the price, Adrian has to take them outside the city center. Sweet out.

So we see them travel out. But first, Bob picks up a bottle of wine. He's like, $500. dollars. Gee, I could buy a house for this. Am I right? And then he tells us, you know, in the city, in New York City, we'd see a Broadway show or all these other cultural activities. But here we're a two-hour train ride from Paris, so it's more about having an open mind, new things we can experience rather than the same old things we do in the state. It's question, is it possible to make those grapes in the vineyards, sink some Hamilton? I'm just trying to capture some of the old city.

One thing I'm really into is Broadway rapping. So be great if we can get a little bit of that. I've seen cats seven times. I'm going to really miss that and living in Bordeaux. Well, they want a European lifestyle in the center of the city. But this apartment's a great way of getting on the ground in Bordeaux without breaking the bank, without bothering the people by the hypercenter. Okay.

So let's check out a place that no one else wants to live. In the outer city limits, let's go. Yeah. So they go to this place. that's only $300,000 and I love the list. This is, okay, this is the list on house hunters that they put up on the screen.

Two bed, two bath, second floor, bang for the buck, newly renovated, north of center, no charm. Disgusting. Absolutely zero charm. And she's so funny.

Adrian's like, all right, everybody, look, I know it's a different neighborhood than you might be used to. But you know what? It's young. hip like you guys like Bob. Bob is a very

hip guy, you can know. So they go in, I mean, this place is, I hate this place so much because this neighborhood, this is not like, there's nothing going on in this neighborhood and I don't think they should live here. So they go in and I think Adrian's trying to be like, hey, it's cheap, it's updated,

but it's just so boring. This is such a boring place, although it really would be perfect for the Higgins. It's so Higgins. It's very Higgins goaded. Yeah, it's totally Higgins code. It is a drab. It's boring. And there's a little balcony which they like. And Bob's like, but I do not see it. Bordelis charm anywhere. Well, back at you, Bob. Jeez. All right. Look at the way these doors open. Isn't that crazy? They're doors that open. He's like, okay. That's it. That's the pitch.

Crazy doors. You can ride home to your friends, assuming they're not too busy seeing wicked that you got some crazy doors in Bordeaux. Yeah. And she's like, this balcony is big enough to work out here. Are you right, Julie? She's like, oh, God, I'm never going to have a desk inside. I know.

Look, we got a towel warmer. It's actually just a bunch of mice doing the can can and you just grip a towel over them and it keeps it warm. Or as we call this, it's a towel warmer as we call it in this house, Julie's desk. All right, Julie? It also doubles as a beret warmer, so multifunction.

I would test it out, but I never take off my berets. So he was like, is this really what we're moving all the way to France for? This sucks. So now they have to decide what they're going to get. Don, don, don, don. So I personally thought they were going to do the first one, Plast de la Victoire, because it was a good location. it was under budget

and it was relatively modern. I had a pretty good kitchen and even though the office space was a little tight, they're used to like working together in tight quarters. So I was like, this is going to be the one.

Plus our experience is people rarely go for like the best option. There's always something that's really good, but it's out of the budget. And people often will discard it because it's out of the budget, even though we're always like, go for the one that's out of the budget.

So I was like number one is probably the one they're going to take. I thought it was going to be number one too, but I think that poop killed them. That's, and I remember that. Just before they made their decision, I was like the toilet, if the toilet were on the other side, like they had, it was like shower, then toilet, then sink or something like that.

If it had been switched to the other, it wasn't even shower. It was just like sink. If the toilet had not been there, if the toilet could have been sequestered away, I think number one would have been the choice. Yeah. So what they end up taking? I don't even remember. They chose number two.

I was actually so impressed and happy for them because they should have taken number two. That was the best one by far, even though you had to go upstairs. It was like the biggest one. It was two levels. It didn't have a sloping ceiling. It was in a great location. It was modern.

It was like by far the best choice out of all three of these. Yeah. So we see them living there and it looks cute. And Bob's like, well, we're still working American hours. So the 8 o'clock start day is a 2 o'clock day for us. So we do real fun stuff. We walk every morning and that's pretty much it. But we feed the ducks, although the ducks run away from us.

So we just usually wind up throwing. you know, breadcrumbs into flagstone cracks. But that's okay. That's actually oddly fun for us. We call it flaggy crack. And that's them. This nice, basic couple found a pretty cute little place. So good for them.

They did. They did. I think actually it's awesome that they lived in Bordeaux because they're in wine country and beautiful Bordeaux. Oh, that's beautiful. Well, thanks everyone for being here. If you have a Dwell hello suggestion, make sure it's available on Max or Hulu. and just email it to us at watchwork happens at gmail.com and put dwell hello suggestion as your subject so we will find it.

Thanks everyone for being here and supporting us here on Wondry Plus, and we will catch you on the next one. Bye.