Watch What Crappens - Dwell Hello #513: High Stakes in Hells Canyon

Episode Date: June 20, 2025

Two people move to an uninhabitable river bed in remote Idaho. What could go wrong? This is a recap of House Hunters High Stakes in Hells Canyon (S240, Ep 1), and we watched it on Max.Find bonus episodes at patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens and follow us on Instagram @watchwhatcrappens @ronniekaram @benmandelker Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Well, hello and welcome to Dwell. Hello. It's a watch what's crappins house hunters podcast. Hey, Ronnie. How's it going? Well, hello, you little Benuni tunes. Everything is going great. Let me tell you, I'm extremely grateful for my abode today. 100%.

Wow. Wow. This episode, this episode that we're talking about today, it's season 240, episode. one, high stakes in Hells Canyon. This is House Hunters volume 10. Really, look it up on max. It's high stakes in Hells Canyon. And what was special about this one, was this recommended to us by anyone, or was this one that you just found? This was recommended. You say what's special about it, and I will find out who recommended it. Here's what's special about it. This was not just any House Hunter's episode. This was part of a

house Hunter's remote locations or something like that. Like, it was a variation on house hunters where I had like a little mountain logo and the idea is that it's looking at really remote locations. So it was crazy and it made my blood boil. I got so mad at these people because I just, I hated that they were even doing this. I hated their decisions. I hated their choices. I hated their taste levels. I hated that like we had to sit and watch them, Hem and Ha about three places that they should never even be moving to in the first place. In other words, I love the episode. This was recommended to us by Madeline.

Thanks, Madeline. Great choice. This is also a newer episode. So to the newer ones, a lot of the times, we've had a couple of times here doing Dwell Hello where the cast members of the show have contacted us. Okay, let me just say, cast members, don't listen to this if this is about you. We're mean to you for literally no reason. People on house hunters generally don't even do anything wrong.

You're innocent people. You do one episode of a show. you really don't deserve to be dragged through the mud or across the coals and treated like crap. But we do it anyway because it's our hobby, you know? Yeah. And we've done it to nice people and then they get their feelings hurt. So don't listen to this. And if you do, we do not mean this.

Okay. That said, now what you were saying about the, why are you even doing this? I thought the same thing. You know, I had a year of reading a lot of Westerns. I read all the Lonesome Dove books. Then recently I read Blood Meridian. which was horrifying. So I've read a lot of westerns.

And one thing I have gotten from all of these westerns is we can complain about whatever we want in our current world. And I'm not saying it's great, but it sure is hell a lot better than it was during the pioneer days. So I watch an episode like this and I'm like, why are you purposely going back to the pioneer days? We have plumbing now. You know what I mean? Why are you doing this on purpose? And what do you think is going to happen in a place called Hell's Canyon? Yeah.

And I'm supposed to sit here and feel bad for you that you're like, oh, God. God, wow, I want to live all the way, an upper river, two hours from civilization. But like, what about medical? I'm like, you know, you know, it's a way to get close to medical facilities? Don't live up a river. Live in a house in a town, okay? Why you got to put the ambulance in danger? You know what I mean?

Like, these are horrible people. And let me tell you something else. These are swingers. These are people who want, they say they want nothing but to be together. They're liars. They're both fucking other people. I can see it in her face especially. That lady is a bored swinger

and she puts her keys in bowls even when you don't ask her to. She's like, where's the key bowl? These people are swingers. Who are you going to fuck out there? And do they trim their pubic hair? And I also believe that they are probably doomsday preppers.

Like these are two people who are moving up to this remote river because they think the end of the world is nigh. I don't care what else they say this is why they're moving up there. They're going up there to fuck with other doomsday

preppers. We all know. We all know what's happening. Yeah, but guess where they test all those missiles? Hells Canyon. That's where they test them. They test them in remote places that nobody can get to. Yeah. So here comes Linda. I'm very upset. Audra and Paul are moving from Clay Ellum, Washington to Hells Canyon, Idaho. They're ready to live in one of the country's most remote valleys on the Snake River where one of them will trip on a rock. They won't be able to get medical attention and they'll die of gangrene. Anyone heard of sepsis lately? You will soon.

Living on the edge. In this remote part of the canyon, there are no roads and properties are only accessible by aircraft or boats. And it's definitely not for the faint of heart. Because if you are faint of heart, you're gonna die here because you can't get to a hospital. So we see Audra and Paul

and they're like driving with their dog in the backseat and Paul's like, well, I'm just gonna check the flow real quickly just to make sure we know what's going on since we haven't had water for a little bit. So I don't even know. It's like, thanks Paul. So he says, we're moving from Clay Ellum, Washington, the Hells Canyon, Idaho.

Clay Ellum is very fast growing over the last few years. So the reason we'd like to move down here is to Hells Canyon is this is more of a still small town feel. So we see an overhead shot of this Clay Ellum place. I looked not a single traffic light. Okay?

There was like a general store. a cafe, a church, and like five buildings. This is like that tiny town on Grand Theft Auto that you drive to when you finally make it out of the city. He's like, whoa, the big city life, am I right? We need something that's more small town. I'm like, you were in the small town. Girl, you know, they probably saw one guy in eyeliner to Starbucks.

That's exactly what it was. The big city's here. We got to go. That's exactly. The damn liberals are here. A liberal move to Clay Ellum. And he's like, uh-oh. It's too, getting too big city around these parts.

to go to small town places. I saw a Kamala bumper sticker. We're out. Yeah, in order to have a small town field, there has to be a town, by the way. It can't just be a pebble on the side of a raging river. This is not a small town field. This is a outhouse in the desert field.

This is not even a town. What are you talking about, Paul? You're going to see Kevin Bacon come floating down on a raft with Merrill Street being terrorized in two seconds where you're living. This is not a small town. This is a movie called The Revenue. called the River Wild. This is literally so dangerous.

When I moved into my house, I was showing my mom pictures, and she said, what, what are you on top of the hill? I said, yeah, it's up a very steep drive. I said, that's the biggest sticking point. It's really steep. And she goes, Ronnie, you're too old to be moving up hills. You're going to die in that house. I was like, geez.

And she goes, if you need help, you can't get it. No one can get to you. No one's going to walk up a hill. You know what? Like, I normally would be like, I agree with her. But then I see this fucking episode, I'm like, no, at least you don't live up a river, two hours from civilization. And then you're going to make everyone's life hell. And then all of a sudden, you know, a helicopter is going to come out and have to save you and cost people thousands of dollars.

They're going to raise the premiums on everyone because your ass wanted to live in a house up a river because your quote unquote small town is becoming too big city feeling because you saw a Starbucks cup that was just pure red. Yeah, girl, I know. But I told my mom, listen, I know I'm going to die at home. And I'm fine with that because I went to the hospital one time for blood pressure and it cost me $11,000. So fuck it. I'm dying at home anyway. Who would go to the doctor now anyway? It's all bullshit.

So I'm with Paul. I'm going to say, you're about to move up a river yourself. I just talked myself into it. So then Paul tells us, in my work, I managed properties. And I'm able to do that from pretty much anywhere. So this seems to be a good time to be remote. If my property has a problem and you tell me, sorry I can't get there until Wednesday because I live two hours up a river, I'm suing your ass. Yeah, I definitely had the question when he said that.

Like, what kind of property manager are you that you're not there? I've never know. I'm from a real estate family. My aunt is the property manager. She has to have her ass there. She can't just be offfalutin all over the place. What are you doing? You got to be there.

She's got a huge change. of keys. She's got a huge key ring around her polyester pants and an afro because she's a very dedicated lesbian. What is she doing without those keys if she doesn't have to be at his homes? Get your ass back into your

small town that you're claiming is the next coming of New York City and manage those properties on site, okay? Don't go up a river, please. Yeah, Paul's a property manager. Not for long. I can tell you that. Yeah.

So Paul Paul saying it'll be a good day to ride up the river There's a lot of water today So Audra tells us Well, we met on the river about four years ago I'd seen this guy I don't know his name And then two weeks later I got a message

And he's like let's go on a date Signed Paul from the river And I thought well He didn't even sign it And the way that she talks about it She says yeah I was in the river I seen this guy

Like oh no And by the way Audra Have you ever seen a more defeated person Audra literally her head is kind of like lopped over to the side. She never smiles. And she's just like, yeah, I've seen this guy. And I guess he found me somewhere. And Paul's like, yeah, river community.

Everybody gets to know everybody up here. Didn't take long. I was like, okay, you fucking stalker. What a weirdo. There's also only eight people up there. It's not a huge accomplishment to get to know eight other people. This sounds like my biggest nightmare, by the way. He's like, yeah, you know, small town community.

Everyone knows everybody. That's not what I want. You know? I don't want that. So now they're on this boat. They're on like a special boat that can like drive up rapids. Run by their friend Scott, who is a crazy boat driver who just does donuts in the middle of the river.

And Audra's like, hey, see any big orange sheep up there? Like, Audra, how many times we have to tell you? There are no big horn sheep in the river. Okay. This is not big horn sheep country. This is river country. I want to see a big orange sheep though Okay I will say this

Scott the friend who's driving the boat Because they have to take boats everywhere And Scott's like the driver Now that's a daddy Scott was not a dog Yeah I moved there for Scott He's also terrifying There's like one moment where he accelerates

And he has this look on his face like I was like oh my God This guy is scary But hot but scary Scott yeah Scott moved to Hell's Canyon Because he wants everybody to die there You know He's like I'm taking you to hell with me

But I'm hot. So he's like, yeah, Hell's Canyon. Or Paul's like, yeah, Hell's Canyon. Gigantic playground with the river. There's no playground here, Paul. It's rocks in a river and sun. And then they're like, yeah, it gets to 110 degrees here. It's like, great.

No air conditioner. We'll have to think about it. What the fuck is wrong with you too? You two don't look like you smell the best as it is. I don't want to smell you in 110 degree weather. Can't wait to go hang out on my beach with the spiky rocks and the rattlesnakes. and in the water that's polluted with Scott's boat.

Scott's boat Catching Strays. Paul's, I hated that fucking boy. They kept on scutting to it like swirling like just like doing these 180s and like I was like Could you please relax? Could you just drive the boat straight? So Paul's like, he has nothing else to do.

They don't have cable out there. Poor man. Just out there doing donuts on his boat. By the way, that's not a donut boat anyway. It's a fairly big boat to be driving like that. And there's like, they're riding in his boat and the dog's in the boat with them. And this guy's doing donuts and swirling around. I'm like, come on.

There's a dog in here. He's probably terrified. So Paul's like, I'm addicted to running white water. So this is the jet boat capital of the world. It's also the medical emergency failure capital of the world. It's got its own set of challenges. But it's also very rewarding because, sure, do we have? roads? No. Do we have rattlesnakes? Yes. Can you get bitten by a rattlesnake? Yes. But can you get

quick medical attention for that rattlesnake bite? No. It's fun up here. He says this as a positive. He goes, you know, there's just something about not having an interstate. Yeah. What do you have instead? You got freaking sky. You know, okay, you don't have an interstate, but you got Scott terrorizing all the animals while he does Papa wheelies with his boat coming up the river at 300 miles per hour. So, Chiron, at almost 8,000 feet deep, Hell's Canyon is the deepest gorge in North America. Where do you live?

The deepest gorge in North America? Where the fuck do you live? I also think that when Paul says, there's just something about not having an interstate, Adra's like, I think it's absolutely not worth it. Because who needs to get anywhere for food and medical? Audra loves it Audra's like kills children or something

There's something weird about Audra She's like yeah I think Capri's trying to get me now Good luck getting down the gorge Suckers And Scott goes hey hey I think we can get a fish here Let's see if we can

Yeah get a sturgeon I want a big one There's no fucking fish around Because Scott was driving this boat Like he was trying to avoid lightning boats Yeah Even the fish are like we need to move to a place with a freeway.

His people are losers. So Scott's like, yeah. Say it again. Does this estuary have medical? Yeah. Scott's like there's not many people around here live in so, especially full time. And Paul's like, ah, it's going to be good. All right.

So what are you guys looking for? And Audra says she wants a furnished one bedroom, which apparently is not going to happen. Something else I noticed here, these homes are expensive. These are not cheap homes. I mean, you would think living in the middle of nowhere with no toilet or electricity or whatever, they would be cheaper. But they're like, oh, well, we could possibly go up to $8 trillion. Sure. That sounds.

Ronnie, yes, there's no toilet in some of these. Yes, there's no electricity. Yes, there's no internet. Yes, there's no stove. But you do get rattlesnakes. So, hello. That's going to add to that price tag. And on the right side again, no free.

freeways. So no freeways and lots of orgies. So actually they're looking for a three bedroom. She just said I want a fully furnished one. Like I want a fully furnished house. I want a I want a furnished one. Yeah. And yeah, I like when Scott says, yeah, there are not a lot of people that live up here. A lot of people that die up here. A lot of people that die. They'll live, but they die. A lot of people wish they were dead here. So, I just says, I couldn't imagine bringing furniture up the river. God. I'm like, yeah. You know what else I couldn't imagine? Having to bring anything up that river just to live. Yeah. I can't imagine like the people that have to do my estate sale when I die on the land. Yeah. So Scott, so Audra's like, yeah, you know, we got to have three bedrooms because we got friends. So they'll come visit lots. So, you know, open concept, quote unquote. I get it. I get it, Audrey. that swingers go up the river with the swinger swinger party um so they want like 1,200 square feet, which is really not that big considering that they're going to, what would you say?

A three bedroom at 1,200 square feet. How does that work? That's like a, that's like a little LA apartment, you know? So, and then she's like, I want it to be easy to clean and low maintenance. Okay, great. Well, I hate to tell you to tell you something, but you're moving to like a dusty ass gorge. Everything we see is like dirt and dust. And she's like, I want to be clean, easy to clean. How about you don't live in the dirt? Where you have to take an ATV just to get from your boat to your house. Well, so another fishing in Audra's like,

we got to have a view of a little sunset and sunrise. I want both the sunset and the sunwring. I want windows everywhere. We're going to have a TV here. Okay. Settle down. I can't watch days of our lives on fucking Paul's back here. All right.

Give me some sun. Sunrise, sunset. You know where's a good place to see a, Not in this town. Gare a little too big city with that sunrise sunset full coming in. You know, where's a good place to see a sunrise and a sunset? Not in a gorge. High walls.

I was thinking that too. At first I thought, why do you want that in like a desert environment? Because the sun's going to be coming in. But there is no, it's a gorge. There's enough sun. You're going to get like from like 11 a.m. to 2 p.m. you see the sun. Yeah. So they're like, I've got to have a view.

I'm like, I have a feeling you'll be able to see a view since there's nothing else around but mountain river. So. Yeah. So, um, Audrey's like, where's that fish at, Scott? And he goes, oh, they're out there somewhere. I mean, usually they're in the water, Audra. She's like, yeah, I'd do him. I'd do them.

So then Paul wants solar. Not solar. I don't know why I said solar. He wants solar. He's like something that's got full sun. So he also feels. like having satellite internet is very important because if something happens we can call for help.

We won't actually be helped, but at least we can call for help. People can know what was happening when we're dying. Someone in space will know that we're dying. Also, I think it's hilarious that he's like, got to have satellite internet. I'm like, that's an amenity. I think

I think you can, I think no matter where you live, you can probably make that happen. You can probably call up the company and they'll install it for you. Don't worry. Is that reliable? Well, because on my phone, it says going into satellite mode or whatever, when there's not service, it never works. It's never worked for anything. So does that work?

I think like satellite internet's different than that like SOS. Is that what you're talking about when it goes SOS? And there's a put up below satellite. Yeah, I looked up with the symbol meant online because I didn't know what it meant. And it said satellite mode. Yeah. I think something that's like dedicated for like satellite internet is like more effective than like when our phones do it. I almost feel like when your phone goes into satellite mode, it's kind of like being like, okay, we're not working right now.

We want to make it seem like we are working and we want to blame satellite. Okay. Yeah. Oh, gosh. Okay. So, satellite's important. They can call for help, but he wants to stay around 700 grand. And I'm shocked by that number because normally on this show, they're like, I want to spend them at $10 and I'd like a mansion with a pool.

But he's, I think, for living in a gorge, 700 is pretty good. Yeah. So now they're putting a boat in the water. and Scott's like, welcome to Hills Canyon, guys. And then here comes Heather, the real estate agent. She's like, surprise, you thought Scott was the realtor? Guess what? He's not.

He's just our boat chauffeur. I'm Heather. Heather's whole thing is that she precedes every piece of bad news with, you know what? Like if they're like, does this have a stove? You know what? It doesn't. Heather is what happens when a very ambitious person gets stuck in a gorge. Okay. There's no beauty salon. I mean, this girl is doing everything on her own. And I mean, I, you know, lift my glass to her. And when I lifted, I say, run, what are you doing here? You have ambition. Get out of this town. But she's here and she's trying. And she's trying her toxic positivity. But unfortunately, she's in a place called Hell's Canyon. And it makes no sense. She's like, hi, I'm Heather. Oh my God. Careful when you get out, guys, it's pretty steep. There's lots of rocks here, huh? You know what? It's crazy. It's crazy.

Isn't it? Okay. Let's look. I love the challenge of my job being a remote specialist because there's just so few homes, you know? There's no market in house canyon. We're a salon or nail place. It's just you pretty much do it by yourself while your husband fishes again. This is fun, isn't it?

I signed up for the job because I was really good at programming our universal remote. And everyone says you're so good at that you should get a job at it. Little did I realize being a remote specialist is actually a totally different thing. But here I am anyway. Okay, I'm happy. You don't normally see for sale signs around this neighborhood. You just wait until there's a smell and coyotes are trying to break into a home and you know someone's dead enough to sell it out from other rooms. We don't have four sale signs, but we do have four smell signs.

For example, this house comes with a couch and the old lady that died on it. Her skeleton is still there. The first home, Heather's taking them to sea as a jetboat ride down river through Class 3 rapids. So that's fun for them. I could use a Class 3 rapid to ferry me away from these awful people. But, oh, well, living remotely in Hell's Kitchen may be Paul and Audra's dream, but there are a lot of realities that might need to sink in. Like, for instance, the fact that no one should be living up this river, because it's dangerous.

I know. Even Linda sounds disgusted. She's like, wow, class three rapids, dummies. And then we see class one rapids are easy to navigate, and class six rapids are largely impassable. So welcome to threes. Welcome to threes. So Heather, how close is the closest hospital? Oh, you know what? It's about an hour.

It's about an hour away. It's not great. What about grocery stores? You know what? 45 minutes away. So when you go, just really stock up. on that stove for's mac and cheese because you don't know when the next time is you get to see it okay and then audra who's unable to stay in her fucking lane goes wow this is really remote yeah audra

that's what you're searching for you fucking numnets you're not in los angeles also by the way congrats on never having ice cream for the rest of your life with a freaking 45 minute to two hour commute to the supermarket good luck with that because you know paul doesn't believe in like cooler bags no uh this is something those environmentalist lefties always like to say, well, fuck that. I say put in a paper bag because that's how we ate ice cream as a kid. Is this a cooler or a bag? Just be what you were born as.

Like, whoa. Just calm down a little bit. So there's like, yeah, the only way is from boat or helicopter. That's how you get pretty much everywhere. So good luck. You need a boat or a plane or a flying monkey. That would be fun. Dragon, possibly.

Carpet. You ever see Aladdin? He would have been a great candidate to live on the river. Unfortunately, you can't fly on prayers. I've been trying it for years. Don't get impregnated by the first guy who comes along. I'll tell you that. So Paul says, you know, I'm learning a lot about the river.

Everything is different. Yeah, no shit. Because it's not someplace to live. And shouldn't you have looked into this before you decided to go down this crazy path of yours? He's like, well, we don't have a grocery store down the corner. And we don't have an electric store, an electronic store, two blocks down the road. what why do you need an electronic what what in the name of radio shack do you need it right now you want to move up a river and yet you're still concerned about where the latest electronic store is it's like yeah I see you got to be real prepared to live up here so we go to house number one and Heather's like you know Paul this is a rare find this is a rare five bedrooms what three bedrooms and three bath 2,000 square feet 850,000 you know what it does surpass your budget, but finding

home in Hell's Kitchen, it's rare. House Canyon, difficult. Okay, they're passed down from dead person to dead person. So I thought it would be fun. It's moving ready. You know? Hey, why are there so many of these catalogs, the rainbow flags on it? Well, this is a common mistake. A lot of people who live in Hell's Kitchen do

accidentally have their mail forwarded to Hell's Canyon. So it is a issue that we're constantly facing. Don't worry, there aren't 19, 24 hour fitnesses on one block. Okay. Anyway, this is a pretty rare find. Three bedroom, three bedroom.

And if you're lucky, there may be a cadaver inside from a rattlesnake bite. Let's see. Do we smell anything? No. Oh, that's too bad. They say if you find a dead body, it's good luck up here. Now, this is a beautiful place, by the way. This is the winner.

I mean, it is a beautiful cabin. It looks new. I mean, it looks like an expensive cabin that you'd find in like Aspen or something. It's beautiful. like some of the I would say some of the upholstery on the on the sofas were I think I would like to get that fixed but like by and large this was moving ready for a cabin yeah yeah it was moving ready nice layout it looked it looked really nice I mean head above your front door this is the place to do it yeah if you were hoping to move to Hells Canyon and go hunting for some deer too bad there are no more deer because all the deerheads are in this cabin there's like a deerhead across any piece of wall that was available there's either antlers or a deer's to your head. I felt like we got them all. Um, but, uh, this, I mean, look, the views at this house and all the houses are like astounding. I mean, even on TV, you're like, wow, that is, that is amazing. It looks beautiful, these views. Never going to live there. Won't even come visit. But like,

you know, the view is the view. The view is pretty, pretty stellar. I mean, there are views of things that you don't want to see, but they're there. You know. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like a raging river. I couldn't see you ever being like, you know what I want a view of? A raging river. Rocks, desert. I would love, I think the view is amazing. I would love to watch.

I love watching water. I love a river. Yeah, I love, I like things flowing by. That's why like fish. I even like watching a highway because it's like a, it is almost like a water current, you know. But they say that this place has been, um, uh, it's the wood. The logs for this cabin were flown in from Paiet National Forest. We just flew in right there from Idaho, which is where we're in.

And we're just flown in on helicopters. So we're like, we want to make sure this house was built on as much environmental catastrophe as possible. We're going to take the wood from a national forest by helicopter. And then we also decided just to land the helicopter in the water and just release the gas right on top of the fish. And we see on the bottom of the screen Hiring a helicopter with a pilot He can cost $20,000 an hour Jeez, you could have spent more than 10 on some of this furniture

Come on, guys Yeah Yeah Antler's chandelier Here we come Okay, Audrey's like, wow, look at the chandelier God, God bless the person who killed that thing It was huge

I love the furniture Is this furnished? She says, well, yes, this comes fully furnished I know you said this a little bit at the top of your budget. He's like, yeah, that's for sure. And well, but you know what, though? Like bring furniture on a boat, that's a tough one. So, you know, you don't have to worry about that here.

You got a nice big log sofa. So that's nice to sit on in a dining space and a kitchen. So it's nice, right? And it's only 45 minutes from town. Yeah. And she's like, oh, bringing furniture on a boat, rough. Right? So you got it.

And it's open concept. I mean, look at all the cabinet space. Look at all the cabinet space with the things you're not going to be filling with the things you shop for in town. I know, as I was thinking. So then they like. Beautiful. This would be amazing to do dishes out and cook dinner. Yeah.

You know what I want to do? I just want to have dishes there and then just look at them being empty because I forgot to go to the store. Um, will come visit me in this godforsaken place. Yeah. So then they go to the guest quarters, which again, no guests are coming up here. No. And then they're looking. And Paul's like, by the way, I heard you need to keep your eye on the boat at all times.

Yeah, you know what? Yeah, you have to because, you know, with the river levels, it does happen a lot that your boat just floats away. And he's like, well, what do you do then? Well, then you're just stranded. And you just have to wait for someone to come by and you just have to wave them down. They have to come by and they have to see you. So anyway. Just the way that she says all this with a huge smile on her face.

It's like, yep, then you were stranded. So, yeah, you just kind of stand there and wait for somebody to pass in the deepest gorge in the world. People don't often pass. But, you know, you sit there and wait. Do you play Uno? You can play Uno. Wait, wait for that. The rattlesnakes around here actually all know how to play Uno, which is fun because it's just a lot of bored people.

God, this one part of Love Island, we forgot to recap today when that guy was like, yeah, I'm like really good at Uno. I slap at Uno. I'm an Uno champion. And she goes, I play chess. And he's like, wow, you're an intellectual. Okay, well, I'm good at you know. So if you ever want to come? Who said that they were good?

Who was that? Who was that? He said they were really good. Jeremiah. She's like, yeah, you're so smart. So this place has propane and it has an electric fridge, which is a huge deal. I don't know what else the fridge would be, but it's electric. And they do have solar.

And so he asked a good question when he's like, so propane. Oh, no, no. Oh, no, it has a generator. And he goes, okay, so a generator has to be filled with gasoline. So is there a gas station? And she's like, oh, it's about five hours away. So that'll be fine. I think that was.

You walk to the edge and you climb down some rocks and you get on a boat. Then you go on the boat, hope an L helicopter passes. Then that lifts you up to a slide, would you slide back to the other side of the mountain? Good luck getting back over, though. Hope donkeys aren't extinct yet. actually I think it was the second house that needed propane. This one was solar, but this one doesn't have air conditioning. And he's like, no air conditioning.

Well, how hot does it get? Oh, you know, it can be 110 degrees. You know, so it's pretty chilly a little bit. He's like, okay, so there's no air conditioning and no internet. But in my mind, Ronnie, I'm like, if you're spending $800,000 on a house, you can spend the extra $1,200 it is to install like some window units or whatever they have in the next house. Those wall, yeah, those tall things.

Or, and you can also spend the $500 to get the satellite installed and then the, like, to me those are like such small fixes. You know, you're not doing central air, but you're just, it's, you're going to add like probably $2,000 max to your total cost. I don't think that. If you're already spending $800,000, I don't think that's a big deal. Well, living in 110 degrees with no air conditioner is insane. They didn't come up with this idea you did.

So they're like, oh, yeah, maybe $8.50 to live with no air conditioning. Sounds great. Sounds great. Let's consider this heavily. Crazy. So now how do you feel about the property? He's like, oh, wow, turnkey, except for the, you know, air conditioning. Not a big deal at all.

So now Heather takes Audra and Paul to see a property with technology that's ideal for remote living. But getting there pushes Audra's nerves to the limit because she's. suddenly realized she has to take a river to get to her house. Yeah, Audra seems to be figuring this stuff out very slowly. So Heather's like, oh my God, you guys, you're going to love this one. There's a bit of a hike in, okay, but it's worth it once you get to the deck. If we can park up next to it, Scott, hope you can do this. And this is where Scott's like, okay, this is challenging.

Here's how we do it. We go around here and then we go 80 miles an hour and swerve in a whole circle. Are we all holding on? do we have sea belts and we back up right into this thing right against the rocks and I did it perfectly nailed it. Yes. So basically to get to house number two, you have to go through class five rapids, which is the last class that's actually passable before you get to class six. Fucking crazy. This is crazy.

Okay. And the way that he parked that boat was hilarious thinking of Paul trying to do this. Paul's not going to do that. Paul's not going to do this at all. then by the way they don't even have a boat what that's what we find out over the course of the episode they're doing all this they haven't even purchased the boat so they don't know that not only do they don't know how to drive the boat they don't even have one in the first place so then once they get there it's all rocks so they have to like crawl the rocks to hike up to the place and then it's like kind of up a little hill to get to the place this place it looks like absolute hell and the house is decent the house is okay but this this house is definitely giving more doomsday prepper vibes this this this The other one felt like an Airbnb. This one is kind of like, all right, it's a house. We have the bare bones furniture in here.

Although it can get more bare bones. We will see on house number three. But this is just kind of like. This is an aired dead in breakfast. This is like sad. This is scary. I mean, I don't know. Maybe people are into corrugated metal siding.

Like, I don't know. Yeah, this is not great. So it's, it's like half a cute house. It's like almost a cute house, but it's not quite. there. So now they're even farther away from town, farther away from medical. And they've got another nice view. But I mean, at this point, the views are all going to be the same. They're all going to be great views. And so they walk in. And she's like, look at this open concept floor plan. It's like a tiny it's like not that big. And she's like, wow, look how open it is. And so there's this kitchen.

There's like a kitchen island that's all butcher block, but you can sort of sit at it and everything. and there's a lot of windows, so they like that. Yeah, this one's 650. It's a three-bedroom, one bath. And let's see, there's a filtration system, multiple generators, 650. Okay. So Paul's like, well, I like the price. And Heather's like, and look at this.

It's a view of a river and a gorge again. You guys. Could you imagine if you're the one person who got a house in Hells Canyon and did not have a view? well we got to sacrifice the view like how do you second you're all gonna have a view how do you not have the view is this the one with the wraparound deck or that was the first one right first one had like a wrap around deck this one was just like a standard kind of looked like a little lodge um it has a deck but it's not like wrap around so it's just it's like a it's just a very generic space this one it's not terrible but it's just average.

But the thing is, so they do have an air conditioner, but because this one doesn't have solar, this is the one that requires, like, many generators, which all will require lots of fuel in order to run the air conditioning. Yeah, so he's like, oh, God, we got to go that the fuel, and then we've got to bring the fuel back to run the thing. And Audra's like, but I like the openness. It reminds me of our marriage.

I mean, come on. And I like the square footage because, you know, I'm not going to clean. What the fuck else are you going to do, Audra? there's nothing else to do there. Your house is going to be completely clean from top to bottom. There's literally nothing to do. There's nothing to do. So then they look at the bedrooms,

which are just like these square boxes of nothing. And she's like, oh, look at that. It's a two-tone wall. This room is sad. And then there's a walk-in shower, and there's also an underground septic system. So, you know, hey. Yeah, that's exciting.

Yeah, septic's pretty normal. Yeah, septic's pretty normal for a place like that. But getting someone out there to service it, I mean, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know where people come from. Like, where do you get the workers? That's my question. Like, where do you get the help?

So there's like a ton of janitors. Well, there is a, that'd be nice for a guess. But you know, oh, because this, didn't this have one bathroom? Oh, it has an identical bedroom. Yeah. Okay. So she's like, and then here's the bathroom, walk and shower. So they look at that.

And then Paul's like, wow, we got a whole house filter with a UV water sanitizer. I mean, that's the bees, knees right there. Wow. Yeah, sounds great. Almost makes up for the fact that you have to risk life and limb to get across Class 5 rapids to get to your house. But, you know, hey, you've got a filter. Paul's going to hurt his back in the first five minutes in this house. I'm telling you that right now.

And so they're like, well, I mean, this is nice. But, like, you know, she's like, it's the perfect size, you know, and has amazing views. But, like, and there's enough space in here. But, like, I just, I don't know how to drive a boat. And if there was ever an emergency, being able to drive a boat through rapids or rocks, that concerns me. It could be pretty dangerous. I mean, that could be life or death. Audra, I hate to tell you, it's death or death.

Well, you're living to a river that you have to drive a boat, Audra. Like, I just don't understand what Audrey's thinking. Does you want to live on the other side of the river where you don't have to drive a boat? It's never explained how she thinks she's going to get away with never learning to drive a boat. And how she's using that as some bargaining thing. Like, well, you know, no, I don't know how to write about. Girl, stop moving to rivers. Yeah, I know.

She's like, well, you know, but the guys, there is satellite internet. She's like, oh, good. So that's really good in an emergency. Good. I can watch some Netflix while Paul dies next to me. Exactly. I can order something on eBay and watch. Watch it, watch Paul die.

And then in three months, when it finally makes his way up to the river shattered from all the rapids, I can be like, oh, yeah, that's the thing I got when Paul died. Now this one's even more remote, but it might be too far flung for Adra. Don, don, don, don. Now this one's crazy. This one, I'm like, why is this one even on the show? I don't know, but this shit was funny because Heather's trying to be so positive still. She's like, oh, wow, this has been a long ride in. Don't you guys love long rides?

I love long rides. Slug bog. This is great. I see a rock. Boom. Gotcha. So this is one hour from a boat launch and an additional hour of drive time. So it's two hours from the town.

You know, five when it's raining. You don't make it. Six when the gorge is closed due to falling rocks. Seven when there's a coyote attack. you don't make it a shorter distance by saying oh it's one hour from the boat launch an additional hour of drive time it's still two hours okay so then then paul goes wow that's a minute oh it's two hours not a minute so 120 of them so audrey again is like you know I don't know how to drive a boat yet so for medical you know for medical and if there's

emergency how are they going to come get it you know well it's the farthest out but you do have close neighbors who are not doctors so they can watch you while you ride in pain because you've tripped on a rock and now your leg is touching your ear. But it's nice. Yeah, neighbors are great out here. One of the positive things is you're surrounded by people who are also two hours from town and don't have anything to do either. So when somebody has a life-threatening condition, everybody loves to just gather around and watch. So that'll be fun. And then we see once a week the U.S. Postal Service delivers mail to residents via jetboat.

Yeah, so if you were thinking about using Instacart, it's not going to really work out so well, but we do have something called Delaya cart. And you just put in your order for food and it comes rotten and decayed a week later. The McDonald's hamburgers are green by the time they get here, but shockingly still decent. Yeah, it travels pretty well, maybe not the fries. Okay, so he's like, wow, price is such a big deal, you know, because this place comes with a boat. I mean, that's a huge concern. Bows aren't cheap. It's 150 grand for a good boat.

So this place comes with a boat. Paul, it's not a good boat. Why don't you even ask what the boat is? How does the boat ride? Can we test drive the boat? Does it have a motor? No one's going to be like, hey, just give them the boat too for a good boat. It's just a canoe.

So, and Scott's there because he has to drive everyone around this guy. like, yeah, well, this one has a lot better access, but the only problem is you can only have one boat here at a time. So does that mean that like all the neighbors share that like one parking spot for the boat? And then when like someone else needs to use it, you have to like move your boat to some other location. Oh yeah. Where do you park the boat? They didn't really get into it. But I was like, um, okay. So now they go up to this place. Now this place is just a wretch. Okay, it's like two buildings that it's kind of like candy and Todd's like houses in Atlanta. There's two identical buildings that are kind of like connected by a deck.

And Heather's like, you know, it's very nice because you know, they have two families, friends. That way they can have their personal space. You can have your personal space. I'm like, there is not a single person who's saying overnight at this place. That is an empty facility. Yeah. And aren't they sharing the same poop or two? Yes.

Yes, they are. So this one, they have to walk really far up a hill too to get to. And there's a common deck area between the two. places that they can, which doesn't look great to me, you know, because you never really get privacy. And Heather's like, and guess what? This one doesn't have solar. So it's at the lower end of the budget.

So that's something you can consider having installed. Wouldn't that be fun? Let me tell you what solar people love. Coming two hours outside of town to install. They love it. That's we're going to love them. So then they walk into this house and it is so beyond shitty. There's like one of those patio tables that sort of has that glass.

that sort of like weird. I don't know how you describe that, that glass in it, but you know where you pop out the glass when you need to move it, it has kind of like that pebble. And then there's like a folding chair. Like it's quote unquote furnished

with patio furniture on the inside. There's just a fridge just standing in the middle of the room. It's awful. Yeah, this one is terrible. It's like a sawhouse. It's like a torture escape room. It's not good.

And there's a wood stove in there. And he's like, is this the only heat? source and she says, oh, you know what? This is the only heat source. So you've got wood heat on this side as well as the guest quarters. Isn't that great? You know, this one

doesn't have air conditioning either, but it is new construction. They keep saying it's new construction as if that's going to make up for any of the things that this place doesn't have, which is everything. Like, this one has no upside. This house, like normally there's a shitty house, but it has some sort of upside.

Like, it's the one with the view or it's closer to town. This one is actually the farthest from town and it has the fewest things attached to it. I think the only upside is that it comes to the boat, I guess. Oh, no, there's another one. Hold on. Wait a minute. Here's the bathroom. It's a compost toilet.

Isn't that fun? Great. Just mix your poo in there with whatever you ate that day. I don't know, eventually it becomes something. Personally, I flush, but, you know, welcome to Hell's Canyon. You're going to love it here. I can't wait for you guys to start living with your poo. Okay, well, where's the shaboo? Oh, you know what?

This one doesn't have a shower. So what you do is you just stand outside and you just wait for the coyages the lineup and they just spit on you. He just wait for Scott to come by practicing his donuts in the water. He'll eventually splash you. Just try to catch those waves from him. So the kitchen sucks too. And there's no stove. What is this place?

So Heather's like, you know, there's not a stove here. But there's plenty of room on the deck for your barbecue. God, thank God. the world never rains. Now you can have a barbecue and risk burning down the house that barely has anything in it in the first place. But we do have a refrigerator in the middle of the room. If you like that, some of us pretend that it's like a little monument and you can pray down to it and reenact scenes from like, you know, 2001 Space Odyssey. I don't know. It's fun.

He goes, well, we're going to have to get rid of some of this stuff. I mean, some of the furniture and that bunk bed and this, I mean, it's like, we'll have to get rid of something. She goes, oh, you know what? there are some guys that we know that have cargo boats so we can set that up for you they can only park there for 15 minutes and um they're about 19,000 dollars but they're there so can't wait to meet them. He's like, you know, I'm probably struggling the most. You know, in this process of trying to live remotely, there's nothing's going to be acquired easily. I mean, everything involved with this is going to equal a lot of work. I'm like, so you could also just stay in the tiny town you came from.

Okay, sir, which would be no work whatsoever. Yeah, just buy an acre somewhere. You know what I mean? Don't go so crazy. But it does have a boat, Audra says. I've seen it. So she said, yes, it does come with a boat. Good, Audra.

Good job. She goes, yes, there's some bonuses to this place. And no one can name them. But, yeah, there we go. This was such a terrible option at the end. This was clearly, I guess, I guess Heather was right. When she said that, like, it's really hard to find properties on the river. like she must be telling the truth because if this was the best that they could come up with for their third option i mean

i've seen very few places on house hunters that i've had so few upsides yeah uh yeah this was pretty bad so now they have to decide on what they're going to do dun dun dun dun da da da don't i thought they were going to take house one because house one just it's you get all the perks of being on the river it's closest to civilization It's already set up. It's big. It's beautiful. I thought it would be good.

But then I was like, you know what? Knowing these people, these are not smart people. So they're probably going to choose something that's a little bit more upriver, which makes no sense. Like you're going to get something worse. Get something worse that's harder to get to. Well, House number one was way over budget. But he said that they had the money. So they still had that money.

They should have gone with House number one because even living in luxury like this is still going to be hellish. It's going to be very difficult. Number one had a wrap around. Heck. I mean, it was gorgeous. Everything. But yeah, to be living in, it's not going to be good to be living how they're living. They did not choose the one that's 10 hours away or whatever.

So that's good. They chose the middle one. But yikes. I don't know. I worry for these two. I know. So they chose house number two. And so we see them getting there.

They had to get an ATV. So that way they can move stuff from the water all the way up to their house. And he's like, this is a dream come true. She goes, oh, yeah. You know, I look forward to living here every day. I mean, but it's different. I mean, I walked off the back porch and the rattlesnake jumped up. And I ran and I screamed, I locked myself inside until Paul came up from the boat, which was about five days later.

So, yeah, it's a bit of a challenge. It's like, well, really selling the choice. Then Paul got bit on the ankle and I actually had to suck the poison out. So, you know, it's bringing our love life back. So that was fun. I mean, rattlesnakes, I have rattlesnakes all over the place in Texas and they're scary as hell. But after a while, you just get used to him. I'm like, just walk around, you know?

They don't like jump at you. They rattle at you and stuff. Which is helpful. One time I ordered a door dash and it never came. And so I texted the guy. I was like, where are you? He said, I'm here. I'm here.

I can't come in. And I opened the door and he threw the food up the stairs. And he's like, Serpente, serpent. And then ran off with his arms waving, like literally waving, like literally waving, screaming down the road. And then I was like, what was the fuck with that guy? Why was he saying serpent? And Carly said, Snake.

And I was, look down and sure enough, there's a huge rattlesnake. rolled up on the bottom step just chilling wow yeah i remember one time walking up my driveway and when i was a kid and i almost stepped on this this snake just coiled up and i just almost stepped on it it wasn't poisonous but those snakes they sometimes are just coiled up right there it's unpleasant when you're in a when you're in like a civilization like we had the snake um rescue guy come over we have this like local snake rescue guy and he shows up in like jorts and like weird facial hair and he's like well i got the snake you were looking for but you know I just rehomed him.

I said, how do you do that so fast? He's like, I put him in a lot next door. You know, it's empty. I was like, how is that rehoming it? Why would you put it in the lot next door? Is it you want me to get it back? I said, yeah. I said, how much is that going to cost?

And he's like, well, you know, y'all pay me what you want to pay. I'm just here to save these snakes. You know, they go through a lot. So I'm here to help the snakes. But, you know, normally people pay around between 500 and 1,000. I was like, okay. So when you wake up, how much do people pay you? Crazy.

To move a snake next door? Have you lost your goddamn mind, sir? Was it Rob from Love Island? It was Rob, wasn't it? He's like, sometimes that snake, he just is a little friend. He needs to go somewhere. Anyway, these two dumb-dums,

they've got their house. Best of luck. Good luck with your medical emergencies and your groceries and your gasoline. They're having so much fun bringing all that gasoline back and going with their house. I mean, listen, it takes all types.

They seem like they're happy. I can't imagine ever meeting anybody that I would want to move to Hell's Gorge in with. But they did. So good for them. You know, there's a pot for every lid. I do have to say, every pot. Paul ends it by saying, with all the distractions of modern life, just made it more easy to become engaged with one another. The distractions of modern life, again, he really is acting like he's living in Midtown Manhattan.

And he's got in a way. But now your distractions are literally of modern life. You have to get on an ATV that's a machine that runs with gas. And then you have to take a boat that runs with gas to a car, to a store to buy all of this gasoline, which is a pretty modern amenity, to haul all the way back and start all over. He has to deal with all the hassles of modern life without any of the upsides. All of this because of one guy with eyeliner into Starbucks. For fuck sake. hope you're happy.

A hilarious episode. Thank you so much for recommending it. Madeline, yes. Yeah, and if you have a good suggestion for a House Hunter's episode, write us to well, hello suggestion in your subject to watch forcrapins at gmail.com. Yes, everybody. Thanks so much. We love you. We'll talk to you next time.

Bye. Bye.